Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP10: Isy Suttie

Episode Date: May 29, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP10: Isy SuttieJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the brilliant comedian, actor, writer, and world renowned voice-over artist, Isy Suttie. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We are all connected. Discover Echo from Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. Echo. Thanks for presenting Partners Sun Life. Hello, darlings. This is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt.

Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. Hello, I'm Josh Whittacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to

Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you,

the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting How with... Rob Beckett and Josh Wilcombe. My name's proving more difficult than yours, Rob. Well, yeah, it's a thing. It's not a household name, is it? That's the problem for you. Channel 4, isn't it? What a waste of all of our time.

You need a couple of Saturday night jobs under your belt, mate. The kids will know then. When they've seen you slip over in jelly, they'll remember your name, mate. Andrew Dillon, thank you for that. Josh, who's that? Who uh the kid who read that child is he doesn't give the name that's either a grumpy 13 year old or a constantly attention-seeking six-year-old which i'm guessing is this attention-seeking six-year-old particular light our chance to go for a walk in a glorious paint

and sunshine five minutes into the walk six-year-old son decided enough is enough explodes in a tirade of abuse at his mother and i and in what is not my best bit of parenting he is now banned from the nintendo until boris johnson is no longer in office wow what a way to get your child into politics, that is. I tell you what, though, I bet that child is absolutely desperately seeking for a video or photo of Dominic Cummings at Barnard Castle just to get his Nintendo back. Not for the good of the country, for the good of the Switch. Well, Andy sent that to us before the weekend. So obviously over the weekend, he's thinking,

shit, I'm going to have to get this Nintendo out quicker than I'd anticipated. I thought we had a good four or five years yeah maybe the six-year-olds posing as a retired chemistry teacher and suggesting bogus science right uh how are you rob yeah good not too bad i feel like the world's getting slightly back to normal whatever that is so it feels a bit more i'm trying to be more positive. But yeah, not too bad. Kids are behaving.

We've been going to the park with them. The weather's been nice. So all good. Not too bad. One problem, we did find an empty bottle of this alcohol sort of sanitizer that we have on the side to, you know, wash our hands with before we go out. And when we come back in, was found in the kids' playroom completely empty and luke come up to me and went this is empty do you think she's drunk it i was like oh god so i'd drunk a bit nearly had to go to hospital because it was so

intense no way we would know about it if she tried to drink it and if she has drunk it and taken that she's an absolute beast. She's an absolute... Do you know what? I've got a bit of correspondence that relates to that. I might as well go straight to that. So this is from Laura Leighton. Hi, Rob and Josh.

Bit of background. I run a pub with my parents in a little village in Cheshire. I'm married to Rick and have three boys, Zach, 10, George, 6, Harry, 4. The lowest moment of parenting in lockdown is without a shadow of a doubt when Zach asked me if he could get a drink from the fridge. Yes, of course you can.

We're sat out on the patio. Zach comes outside and sits down swigging from a bottle of Corona. How old is it? 10. Legend. In my head, he's opened it with his teeth, like kind of Clint Eastwood would.

Well, I wouldn't have enjoyed it at that point. Yeah, but you're not doing it for enjoyment. You're doing it for your parents' reaction. He's doing that because he knows he sits down there with a crone and they're going to go, what are you doing? And kick off about it. So funny. Anyway, want some correspondence?

Yes, please. It's the Lock parody mailbag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. Dear Rob and Josh, just wondering whether you ever get irrationally annoyed by certain plot lines in children's TV shows. So this runs on from what Alan Davis was talking about on the podcast a few days ago,

because he was getting annoyed with Postman Pat's helicopter yeah i've just watched uh the fireman sam episode where the local chippy celebrates its one millionth customer wow a the cafe first appeared in 2008 this episode was filmed in 2012 ponty pandy has 27 residents four of whom work in the cafe. Even if the other villagers had two portions of fish and chips a day, which may explain why there aren't any characters over 45, it would still be

well short. Assuming that the majority of their business comes from the Newtown tourists in peak season, there would still need to be an average of 685 customers per day assuming they are open at 364 days a year and no enforced closures each time norman tries to torch the place the average fish and chip shops spend per customer in a 2017 survey was 7.64 which would give an annual turnover of 1.9 million. They catch their own fish.

And even accounting for the astronomical premium for buildings and contents insurance in that postcode, you'd imagine they'd make enough to be able to move out of the flat above the chippy and buy some decent clothes. I do end up watching these kids' TV shows, and you are, like, watching it going, there's no worries. And I understand why there's no worries. I totally get that. But when you're sat watching these things again and again,

you do kind of overthink them. Yeah. I mean, not in the same way that Paul Callan has just overthought Farman Sam. I think it's because they're not designed for us, Josh. That might be right, yeah. No, but like, you know, like a postman fact like, oh, no, I've had a nightmare week.

Yeah, I've started online gambling again. You know, the stuff some postman do you know yeah you know i finish early do i i've got nothing to do all afternoon so i have a quick go on the roulette before you know i'm 800 quid down the story with postman patch will be you know him struggling with his unsociable hours his worries basically about how a lot of people have converted to like email and that's affecting his business and there's going to be cuts within the postman industry i mean if i was postman pat i'd move to fireman sam's town ponty pandy and open a rival chip shop there's enough to go around do you mean

even if it takes up 10 of their still 200 grand a year right next up hello comrades quite an interesting start yeah we will happily accept hello comrades the other day i showed my five-year-old twins a video of my brother giving himself a buzz cut pictures of various friends who'd all dyed their hairs different color during lockdown after a good old moan about the fact that my own barn is starting to resemble a giant bell i plonked them down in front of the telly and nipped off for a shower a few minutes later i emerged to panic and chaos while i've been in the bathroom one of my twins i got hold of a massive pair of kitchen scissors and given herself a quarantine haircut thankfully no damage was done to any body parts in the process she now looks absolutely terrible the fallout has been epic. She won't leave the house,

she won't take part in video calls with her school or friends, and when her sister wanted to raise money for the NHS on a lemonade stand, she sat in a balaclava next to her. Oh no! And they sent a photo? Yeah. Imagine her joy finding

out she's got to go back to school in a couple of weeks. She says, before and after photos attached for your eyes only eyes only oh that's her with the balaclava on amazing oh that's her before that's her before she's got beautiful hair really good oh my god it's like an advert for like a beautiful hair on a kid like your young kid needs shampoo too like it's so thick and then oh my god she's basically what she's done is it she's like nice normal hair she's cut herself a fringe but this fringe starts behind the back of her ears yeah she's cut from the back of her ears all around her head so she's got a half bowl cut and i like I like a sort of Southern American state mullet.

It's a bit like the Tiger King as huge straighteners. That's the kind of hair. So bless her. But I don't know, you know. The balaclava, to be fair to her, the balaclava is pink because in my head, she looked like a terrorist from the nineties. That's what I was imagining.

I was thinking, what kind of parents got a five-year-old a balaclava? Also, they've made free lemonade for the neighbourhood, haven't they? And it's obviously too cold to be out there selling it. And she's got a full puffer coat on, a balaclava and a blanket over her legs like a nan. Yeah, her hair was beautiful. It'll grow back, don't worry. It will grow back.

It will all be fine. But she's going to school in two weeks. And I'm going to tell you now, that hair ain't growing back for school, mate. Oh, wow. I'm trying to be positive. Thank you for the emails. If you want to get in touch, if you have any issues with the plot holes in TV shows, or if your children have given themselves their own haircuts, or anything, this is how to get in touch.

Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. Now, actor, writer, voiceover artist of some repute.

Dobby from Peep Show. Dobby from Peep Show. But mainly, it's the voice of Asda. That's what, that's what she'll be remembering. Is she the voice of Asda?

She's the voice of Asda. Which she certainly wants'll be remembered for. Is she the voice of Asda? She's the voice of Asda. She certainly was for a period. It is the brilliant Izzy Sooty. Izzy Sooty. Izzy Sooty. Izzy Sooty, hello. Hello. How are you?

No one ever pronounces it like that, apart from on Radio 4 sometimes, when they try, like, Izzy Sooty. Is it Sooty? It's when they try, like, is he sooty? Is it sooty? It's a similar vibe, this, actually. I don't know if you've heard of Beckett before. It is, actually. It's very highbrow. Yeah, no-one listens. Before we started, Rob said to you, how are you?

And you let out a kind of sigh, I'd say. How would you describe it, Rob? It was sort of, it felt like you'd been defeated in a game I didn't know you was playing. I thought I had one more life and then I realised I didn't. Yeah, you went, I'm fine. I feel like basically every day I wake up with, did you used to watch the game Nightmare?

Rob, you're probably too young. Oh, I'm aware of it, where you had to mark the helmet thing on, you couldn't see where you were going, yeah. Yeah, that's right, it's sidestep to the left and all that. And in that, you have to eat enough food to stay alive, basically. And I wake up every day knowing that I haven't got enough food, in inverted commas, to make it to the end of the day alive, but I have to just carry on different rooms yeah well i know it's pointless anyway but um give it a go what's your

setup is he just for our listeners what's the setup at home so the setup is we're in a flat we're in a split level maisonette we were literally about to start looking for a house. So we don't have a garden. We had a bed delivered from Ikea the day before lockdown started, which is in the dining room in about, I'd say, 12 different boxes. You can't even walk to the printer or open the window oh no you're there with ellis your partner and your two children what ages are your children so they're five and 15 months oh that is that's tough you know what right the five-year-old was always such a good sleeper and we were so

kind of like we were like it's because we're so chilled such bullshit like i'm not chilled anyway i really pretend that i am but inside i'm like oh my god was that fish off and i've just cooked it i'm gonna give everyone food poisoning and everyone's gonna die like that is my internal monologue quite a lot of time like i'm like yeah i'm so chilled i'm so chilled like anyway um like it's just not true that anything rubbed off on her it was just her personality so with him like he is such a shit sleeper like the only thing that gets me through lockdown is the idea that if he was a newborn and we were in lockdown it would be worse you know when you make yourself feel better by thinking well at least it's not like he used to wake up every 45 minutes every night and then wake up the day at like four so so finally he

started sleeping through the night probably only about two or three months before lockdown began right yeah um so he sleeps through the night in inverted commas then wakes up normally at 4 30 for the day oh and so what what do you do with your time at that point so the arrangement is and this was never talked about ellis does every single morning and wakes me up at 8 30 a.m and in return i do all the cooking and cleaning and tidying that's an unspoken arrangement that has just it just slowly came about and he was like but you know what i may as well do the morning tomorrow because i'm already tired and by the way that sea bass with with ginger was really nice and then slowly but surely I would like

became really anal about doing a weekly shop which I've never done in my life like my mum's always been saying to me you should start you should start doing a weekly shop and planning meals darling I've been like no way I'll just take life as it comes and And now, because obviously, you know, no one wants to go in shops unless they have to and all that. I am so anal about the weekly shop. And I even ordered like two chocolate oranges last week. And then was like, you can only eat a quarter tonight because it's got elastis for like a week.

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more basically so i'm in charge of like the running of the house in the way that like women were, I guess, sort of like, you know, in maybe our grandparents' generation. And obviously some women are in our generation, but certainly not really any women I know. So it's like, it's quite weird. I'm going to say, I don't know where Rob is on this. I would 100% take your side of the deal. What about you, Rob? rob yeah what do you think rob and in a minute i'll also give you a few details about what my job entails yeah just well i i think i can see i can see the logic but it's such an early start for 30 a.m if it was like

they got up at six ish or whatever and then he dealt with the kids every morning but he's like getting up like he's doing a radio breakfast show it's like it's so early so what time what time is he going to bed then in the olden days ellis used to be the one going to bed at two even once we'd had kids yeah he really was wasn't he so he's totally changed like he's in bed with a light out by half 10 yeah and he's responded really well to lockdown as well like he's like he doesn't care he's just like as long as i've got my history books genuinely doesn't care if he sees me or not he cares if he sees the kids but yeah he wants to see me a little bit you know like maybe 20 minutes a day but that's it you know

you're too busy cooking and cleaning well exactly i do like getting the chimney sweep out has there been any arguments though about the the split shift you've done where you may not have done enough cleaning or cooking and he's been up in the morning actually he woke up at 4 15 today and he hadn't done any ironing so actually well um no he's very and also he's so lovely about, I wasn't very confident at cooking until lockdown began. And I am more confident now. So he, and he actually is always like, he's always saying,

no matter what I cook, even if it's like shreddies, he's like, this is restaurant quality. There haven't been any arguments about like, this isn't good enough. haven't been any arguments about like this isn't good enough um there's been like there's definitely been arguments about like you know when you have an argument and you realize that it isn't really about the thing you're talking about oh yeah like yesterday we did this thing for radio four and he has to sign a release form this is a very sort of tedious um thing but what i mean is he has to listen to radio four yeah you're quite the saleswoman is he this is tedious things on the radio um he has to sign this release form on docuside and it's a tedious

process because it's been emailed to me and it's not in his name, right? So he said, you know how softly spoken Ellis is? Like if anyone hasn't heard Ellis in the listening, he sort of speaks like he's telling a campfire anecdote, but to one person. So he said really softly, like, did they email it to you? And I said, what? And he went, and then he said, you always say what?

And I was like, I don't always say what. You should never say you always something, something. And then halfway through, I was like, oh, this is because we're in lockdown. But it's so hard because you're together all the time. It might be because you always say what is. There's a chance it's just because you always say what. It's a really touchy subject because my mum says what so my mum says what before you finish the sentence and you're like you can't be saying what now because you haven't you can't say what until you've heard the thing

and not understood it you can't hear the word the very clearly and go what like it's unfair to have an argument with someone that wakes up at half four and you get up at half eight. You're always going to win. It's like being on steroids in the 100 metres. It's not a fair argument. It's quiet at the best of times, never mind at that time. Rob, Rob, listen, you've got to hear my side of it, right?

Don't forget all the cooking, cleaning, like no ironing, because who is ironing clothes now? Do you know what? I saw someone on Twitter talking about ironing. I was like, what are you doing? What are you wearing clothes for? But basically, Alice is not tidy. He only wears one type of socks in summer

and one type of socks in winter. So he only wears... Hang on. Wait a minute, what? Oh, yeah, that's still quite... That's a what, mate? Yeah, what? What, yeah, that's still quite... That's a what, mate? Yeah, what? What socks does he wear?

He only wears white, like, sports socks in summer. And he only wears black, like, ribbed socks in winter. Ribbed? For his ankles' pleasure, because it's only ribbed around the ankles. So, can I just ask, is it when the clocks go back that he changes the socks? When's the cut-off?

It marks it in the calendar. It's known as sock change day. But what he does is he takes his socks off and just leaves them wherever he is. This is just an example of the extent of cooking and cleaning that I have to do. Do you think that makes up for him getting up at 4.30? So you have to tidy up after him as well. So that's a different level, isn't it?

Yeah, I have to tidy up after the kids. And we've got quite a small kitchen, and there's always like Sylvanian families sewing machines everywhere. Today I went to light the gas, and there was a Sylvanian family's bath about to be set on fire on the gas hob. so yeah we neither of us are very tidy but um yeah how's it been with the kids have you been had any arguments with the kids or anything that's been stressing you out well betty really likes reading and that's just about the only thing we're doing now at the beginning of it i bought like a big whiteboard from amazon i was like right okay

every day we're like 9 a.m joe wicks night it was divided into like 15 minute intervals and then literally by day four i was like fuck this whiteboard just went into the dining room with the ikea bed and then um it's barely gonna go to the tip so she like watches quite a lot of telly now um yeah but she always does read right and i'm like reading is important that as long as she reads every day even if it's a bad day it's a hard day at least she's read every day so she's reading the twits and we were like oh yeah the twits is amazing it's really nice to read it again but then the bit about do you remember the twits there's a bit at the end it's quite intense isn't

it doesn't it kill her in the end or something they they kind of kill each other they get this thing called the shrinks that they've sort of joked about earlier in the story or something? Well, they kind of kill each other. They get this thing called the shrinks that they've sort of joked about earlier in the story, but their heads sink into their necks and then their necks sink into their bodies. And it's a bit like when the witch dies at the end of The Wizard of Oz. And we read it to him and then...

Oh, spoiler alert. What? What? I've not seen that yet. I turned off because it was black and white. I'll give it a go one day. Sorry, guys. So she's young to be reading the Twitzo, isn't she?

She wasn't reading it. No, we read it to her. Oh, I was going to say, wow. To put the bed up, she sounds like a genius. But it's given her like, so it's like she wants the feeling of being scared but then she gets too scared so i think it's actually quite a scary bit then yeah a lot of roald dahl is quite intense isn't it quite an edge to it hasn't it like that's why i'd be so shit at ever writing a kid's book because i'd be so scared of making them scared i'd just be like everything was fine

and everyone lived forever but um so she basically said this morning she was like i had a nightmare about the shrinks and i don't and then she was like tell me the bit again about the shrinks and i was like oh god i thought what do you do like you know when you think you know before you have kids and you think that everyone sort of understands at least well you should have just said to her you think that's bad mate there's an illness going around in real life the shrinks are the least of your problems yeah that would have made her feel better actually and we're sending you back to school on day one because we want some fucking space camping outside the other night before to make sure we're first.

We're going to call it Operation Guinea Pig Day. Off you go. You'll be fine. But then she said, like, tell me, tell me that bit again. And I was like, so I started to summarize it. And I was like, if I summarize it vaguely, is this kind of doing what she wants? Of course, it was kind of annoying me because I needed to make breakfast for both of them oh because i did the morning today because on sunday night ellis does sports one of his many sports podcasts

it's one that has to be done in the evening he has to drink chan beer while he's doing it right okay i'll pour the bottles is his summer beer? Or his winter beer still? The socks and the beer happen at the same time. And he will have a rosé in August. Oh, what a man. Very modern man for a Welshman, isn't he? Having a rosé. So basically, I did the morning. I think breakfast can be a bit stressful, can't it?

Yeah. Especially with him because he throws everything on the floor. And that's just ellis um lovely really enjoyable lovely stuff there yeah thanks guys um i'd only just gone back onto the circuit from maternity leave then lockdown happened so i think all my gear is still a bit you know all right a little bit rusty yeah so it was a bit stressed anyway so i was only half concentrating so i started to summarize it and i was like well it's when your head shrinks into your neck and as i was saying i was thinking should i really be saying this because she's going to get scared again but she's getting

really stroppy if i won't say it then she was like no no say it how it happens then she started to recite the first few sentences like i'm yeah but she does this thing sometimes like when she's recently read something she can sort of remember the sentence structure i think also it must have really really affected her you know so she started to say and their heads yeah like she was possessed and their heads sunk slowly into their necks into the fatty folds of their necks and i was like oh my god so yeah it could be tricky that's so what how did you end that did you is she still traumatized was she all right like just now she said she wanted exactly that bit again when it happened god i just so i did it but i did it in a sort of cheerful

voice like it was a nice thing but i find it hard like i think sometimes don't you that because there's never a break from them like i think normally because i've been working whatever or i've been out and i'm quite shit at staying in anyway i just want to get out of the house that i think if I'd been away and I'd sort of been felt like me and then I was coming back to it I'd have a lot more patience but you're trying to sort of do everything aren't you yeah it's impossible yeah I like you said before about you sort of don't know you've had enough power for the day I find that there's no I'm like a laptop that doesn't doesn't tell you it's running out of charge. I will just immediately go to plug the power source.

There's no 5%, 10%. It's just dead. Nothing's happening at all. And I walk around possessed with rage just trying to not shout at them and just get them to bed. It can be quite surprising what tips you over the edge, can't it? Yeah, weird little things. Have you found it's hard driving too?

Yeah, for sure i mean and him not sleeping like that is the i've i've eaten so like sugar is the thing sugar and booze are really getting me through this and ellis is still not really drinking apart from the chang on um sunday night is he sponsored by chang why is he drinking chang on a sunday night at some point um radio x gave them some Chang when they worked for Radio X. Back in the good old days, they would have. I don't know if they do that now. Back on XFM.

He's got a Chang bottle opener. All right. Yeah. It only works on Chang beer. Yeah, exactly. Bottles of Corona he can't open. All next to the bed that won't go up why have you done the bed as well is the bed like do you need a person to do the bed is it complicated basically um

no we are so i get a bad back um quite i've got this inflammatory joint disease that i've got quite mildly but when i'm stressed i've got more of a chance of getting quite a bad back so at the beginning of lockdown on my back was one of the worst it's ever been since and it's not been really bad since my 20s like I couldn't really walk I could sort of walk sideways like a crab I had to hold on to the wall I had to crawl up the stairs I couldn't pick the baby up at all I think that's how the 4 30 a.m thing started actually thinking about it oh yeah in the oven that was like all i could manage and he used to do all the all the mornings but so because of that i can't there's no way i could help put a bed up because of the risk because i

can't see an osteopath at the moment but the other thing is we've got to take the old bed to the tip anyway and they're closed so oh no it's an absolute bed disaster oh disaster it would only be replaced by the old bed downstairs anyway will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for cam age the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care from may 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind.

So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavorful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. so what are your days involving then are you both co-parenting or are you kind of one's doing parenting the other's doing work are you taking one kid each or how does it work well as i said right the weird thing for me is that i've really only just gone back to work from having stephy so i reckon if i'd been used to working more it would it would hurt more but

i'm sort of only just come off maternity leave so i'm probably doing a bit more child care in the day he tends to do a sports-based podcast or his or his radio show which is not sports-based because john robbins well he does like football i think he doesn't like crowds no he doesn like crowds. He's been training for this for years. Yeah, he has. He's one of those people, isn't he? You know, people who tweet, it's kind of like, well, you know, I've been self-isolating for 25 years. I'm not like that at all.

I really don't like not seeing people. But I'd say that I do more than him. He normally works 1.30 till 3.30 or 4.30 every day. The mornings is a bit of a free-for-all. Normally we do it together. And then I am doing my book. So I'm writing a novel and I've had my notes. I'm doing my rewrites.

But I'm doing them like in bed because I can't sit in the dining room. So I can't sit at a table. You're like the grandparents in Willy Wonka. I totally really are. And, of course betty just comes in the whole time it's like mommy i need a poo or you know mommy i'm scared of the twit so it comes that's just that is hey i enjoy it it should really be if you start it it's got to continue that's the country it should be the the joke that runs through every episode of this podcast. We should be doing it three or four times an episode if we're worth our salt.

You should, and you'll get the returns. So you're in your bed trying to write your novel. So, yeah, and sometimes I only get an hour, and some of the notes obviously are quite sort of hefty, and I just sort of think, oh, God, I can't really think. I feel like I can do sort of hefty and um i just sort of think oh god i can't really think i'd like i feel like i can do sort of technical stuff more easily like maybe cutting a bit but actually thinking deeply i'm i'm finding quite difficult at the moment so i think i'm not i'm now i'm doing bits and other bits and bobs i did a voiceover for nat west from under an ironing board covered with a duvet

on like the first day of lockdown and it was so do you remember at the beginning it was a bit of a novelty wasn't it i was like oh i wonder what's gonna happen tomorrow and now i'm just like and it's so hot under there isn't it well you hear all these vo voices because of lockdown anyone that does any vo or adverts will have been under a duvet stripping with sweat oh my god so true and you can't do it naked because you're on zoom i do them in my wardrobe now i don't do them under the iron yeah because when my back got bad i had to ring my voice agent and be like i can't do anything else under the ironing board because my back's bad so you're telling me that we're not getting the best sound quality we could possibly have from

this interview because you're not in your wardrobe is that what i suppose what this is i just copy ellis basically like this is how he does all his stuff now have you cracked open a chang so rob always asks this but it feels like more than any of our guests, it must appeal to you. What would you do if you had one day in the house alone without the others? So I was thinking about this. I had two days on my own in the house. Do you remember at the very beginning before everything was completely locked down, but we were told not to go out? There was a kind of interim, a bit like when you're sort of seeing someone but you're not going out with them so it's gonna go somewhere unfortunately it did for all of

us but basically i lay it was fucking amazing like i read about this woman who was living abroad where they were ahead of us so it might have been china or perhaps italy or something and she'd watched the morning show which is um the show with Jennifer Aniston which is great and I was like I'll just do what she did even though we weren't in lockdown I was like I don't know anything about this morning show I'll just do it so I just started watching that and knitting and I remember saying to to Alice like this is a cross between being in prison and being on holiday but I sort of love. But that was because the kids weren't here. Yeah.

So I had two days of that. And then with the bed being delivered on one of those days, it's been, oh, we'll put it up tomorrow. Like we could have done it then. The tip was still open. And then the kids were off and I was like, oh, my God, it isn't going to be like being in prison and being on holiday. It's just going to be like being in prison,

but with your phone feels a bit like i've retired but my children were like unreliable sort of like drug addicts and i've had to take on their children so i imagine what those grandparents are like they've had like a reason to take on their grandkids for life and you're just like i haven't got the energy i've literally seen leaves grow in my garden i don't know how big english i've got garden but i sat in my garden i can see that leaf growing that's how long i've been here that leaf is moving before my eyes um and is it as well have you had like a like a low light of lockdown and a highlight is there a bit where you thought this is loving a bit where you just thought, oh, this has got to end? I'd say that within each day, there are moments like that.

Like within each day, there are moments where I'm like, it sounds really cheesy, but stuff like you'll be with the kids and you'll just be having a laugh and you think, actually, this is nice. And then there are other points where you're like, actually, believe it or not. Like, I do love my kids so much, by the way. Like like i know you said this as well on the first episode and then it's important isn't it to say that i do that disclaimer's there yeah we'll edit that out

don't worry yeah but yeah so there are like simple moments i say in each day when i'm like this is all right you know it's it's fucking weird it's all right actually it's all right it's night and then there are other bits of the day where i think like rob said like you just you surprise yourself that you haven't got any patience left and i think that's not a nice feeling is it like no especially when that like betty wanted to help me mop the floor tonight she started mopping all the bits that hadn't swept so she was like mopping bits of sweet corn and sylvanian family's baths like into the sides of the kitchen and then into the bit that was gonna you know was gonna have to be swept and so i felt like i was like don't don't do that and i was like stop myself and i was like oh you know it's all right we just gotta sweep it first but i find that takes sometimes quite a lot of energy like having

to go yeah don't do don't say that to her she's just trying to help me mop you know um yeah yeah it's just yeah i know it's it is that thing of like everything becomes magnified doesn't it yeah and it's so intense isn't it it's like that argument me and ellis had where he was like you always say what it's like we never would have had that argument but we're together all the time i'm surprised we haven't had more arguments to be honest yeah it sounds pretty good considering the situation with a kid getting up at 4 30 a.m every day yeah you're right well maybe we'll speak to ellis and it'll sound a bit of a different story yeah you're sleeping into our fate every day. What's his mood like when he wakes you?

Does he wake you with like a cup of tea and joy in his heart? Or does he wake you with like... He brings the baby. Oh, yeah, with what? Yeah. With like a day frame. Yeah. It's 8.29 actually.

So he brings the baby in and the baby is always really pleased to see me so he just crawls over the bedclothes and and jumps on me and that's just ellis um and uh i i've got really really i said have you guys done anything like it's like i've got this thing where i have to have a cup of tea when i wake up and then at 8 45 a.m and then another one at like after lunch and if I don't do that and they have to be in specific mugs and with going to sleep I have a similar thing where I've got to have an ear plug in one ear which I've started to do in the last year because I'm quite a light sleeper and I've got what do you mean in one ear well because I sleep on my side so if I put it in the ear that's on the pillow,

I can feel the earplug. Oh, I see. How do you hear the kids? Well, I don't want to, so... Does Ellis have earplugs as well? No. I cannot wait to hear Ellis' side of this. Even today.

So obviously because he did the sports one where he drinks the Chang last night. We need to get some money from Chang for this advertising. You're so right, actually. Yeah. And it was from Beer 52. Anyway. So I was like, basically, I will get up. Don't worry.

But because of my back, I can't lean over the car and stroke which is what we're supposed to do if he wakes up early try and get him back to sleep it never works so we woke up at 4 15 this morning right and i have the ear plug in and i wear a t-shirt over my eyes as well to keep the um what a t-shirt over your eyes yeah I don't like eye masks because I can feel like the pressure around my head I don't understand how people can wear them it's like you can feel like it's band pressing you know when you said that you were like you thought that your daughter was a good sleeper because you were so laid back and relaxed and then you described how you sleep with one ear plug in yeah and white noise playing in headphones in my ears um have you thought about getting a sleep trainer in for yourself

such a good idea that's such a good idea but the sleep trainer would have to make me get up because i'm just so shit it's only weird but ellis used to be the one who who would go to bed late and be really bad in the mornings and he's totally changed like he's not really drinking he's not eating sugar i just eat sugar all the time to get through the day and have a drink every night not loads but i have to have like a little baileys or a little just something i've got into all this old school stuff since lockdown, like York fruits, chocolate oranges, Baileys. And then I was going to have a Baileys last night

and I got the ice cubes out and they were just covered in crumbs. You know when there's crumbs like in the ice cubes as well as on top? I was like, how have they even frozen in there? They must have fallen in. They're on fish fingers all day long. That is a fish finger crumb.

Yeah, you're so right. But I still managed to salvage two and have a Bailey's. But like this morning, I had this set up with the earplug and the T-shirt over my eyes, right? And so it's always Ellis who wakes up anyway. So it's like 4.15 and he was like, oh, he's awake. I was like, can you go and stroke him? So that's his morning off.

So he has to go in and stroke his back. So it took him till 5.25 to get him to sleep. Just pure stroking? Yeah. And then he woke up, slept for a quarter of an hour, and then woke up. Pointless stroking. Can I say, is the stroking worth it in that situation?

Oh, God, I know. But the problem is you never know whether it's going to be worth it or not, do you? Like this could be the time that it works. Oh, God. You've made me feel so much better about my kids sleeping through the night and waking up at half five, and I don't say that to many people. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, there's always someone worse off than you, but who is that with me? Like, who? Ellis. It's Ellis. That's who it is. Poor old Ellis. Look at him on. i'd love to know if everyone agrees with you but i think you're right like but when i say like he does the mornings in exchange for me cook doing all the cooking and cleaning and tidying some of my mates are like wow he's really lucky but as soon as you mention the baby wakes up at half four,

that's the game changer, isn't it? Well, it depends. If you're an early riser, it's doable. But if you're not, it's impossible that. When I wake up at half six, Ellis has been up for two hours. Yeah, I know. And when he wakes me up at half eight, he's been up for four hours. Four hours?

When I used to work at Sainsbury's, you had to have a quarter of an hour break. That was the law. Yeah. Oh, my God. So Ellis is legally, his human rights are being invaded by your lions, is it? No, and the other night I couldn't get to sleep

because they'd moved my earplugs, him and Betty, to Ellis's side and I couldn't find them. And I spent like a quarter of an hour trying to, to Ellis's side and I couldn't find them. And I spent like a quarter of an hour trying to find them with my torch and I couldn't find them. I tried to sleep and I couldn't sleep. So when he woke me up at half eight, even though he'd had less sleep than me, I was like, where did you put my earplugs?

And he was like, I put them on my side for safekeeping. And then I was like, I'm too tired. I need to go back to sleep. So then he let me sleep till like 10. What? I know. Oh, wow. I'm too tired, I need to go back to sleep. So then he let me sleep till like 10. What? Gosh. Oh, wow. I mean, in your defence, you do have a bad back,

but at the moment, poor old Ellis. But it isn't bad at the moment, it's totally better. It's fine at the moment. I'm trying to dig you out of this hole, is it? Well, I'm always in danger of getting bad so it's very important to remember amazing what's he up to in the four hours does he fill you in on what what time's betty get up as well the thing is right so this is the advantage for him he gets to watch loads of sport like football from you're aware there's none on at the moment i know but you know

what ellis is like and if anyone doesn't he loves nostalgia doesn't he and he loves all the old stuff he is so happy to watch all the old stuff he doesn't care there's no new stuff so he'll watch like reruns of all all swansea's goals from like a particular season or like interviews with managers and stuff and because he does so many sports-based podcasts he's always got work to do like to watch a whole game or to watch like a documentary on baseball and stuff so he actually does work in in the morning right with stephy just um playing with you know blocks and what time will the older the child wake up so she's always been great like even when she was like eight weeks old she woke up at eight and i can say that now because we've got a shit sleep wonder where she gets that from is i've already got a train with the one ear plug and uh

um she not now she sometimes wakes up at like seven but never normally earlier than that yeah i mean this is just one he's got in the morning because they gang up on you when there's more than one. When he's got one that can just crawl about and play with toys and he can watch sport. He's definitely sleeping on the sofa again. If you get like a safe space for the baby, he's definitely falling asleep. Yeah, so I'll put a little camera in the living room and see.

Yeah, because he's getting another four hours. He probably is. And making me cook meals from scratch and he hasn't even got a bad back sometimes and i'm more emotional i'm just more of an emotional person so i just need more space do you guys do you get a lot of takeaways by the way we've only i see we've only we do only weekends we've got the rule at weekends but we go for it at weekends badly so we do for four well no we did so this weekend takeaway friday because it's the last leg so that's fair enough i think yeah

then we do we did this weekend this is awful saturday lunchtime saturday night sunday lunchtime and sunday night oh my god isn't that during the week we eat really well what did you get in the in the lunch times pasta on the Sunday which is the easiest thing to make in your own house but I can't emphasize how hungover I was okay fair enough and we got uh Vietnameseietnamese on saturday lunchtime but we don't during the week we eat very healthy yeah but then at the weekend we just lose and then full full indian curry take around the sunday as well absolute carnage if you're if you're doing well in the week we had loads at the start um but we've calmed down now we've got into a bit of a

rhythm so of cookies we have it yeah weekends we will you having a lot no we've only had one um since the beginning of lockdown and that's because ellis so we have a lunch at 11 45 um poor old ellis he's been up for seven hours had a bowl of cereal before 5 a.m he does have to have like toast at 11 because he's been on the cycle he's on four meals just to survive so we have lunch at 7 45 and then we have our tea at like five or quarter past five so i said to el like quite early on you know we don't know how long this is going to last and all that but do you want to get should we get a takeaway um maybe once a week or once a fortnight he was like well i still want to eat at five because i need to go to bed at half 10 i don't want to eat late so i was like all right so we've got an indian at 5 p.m do you have friends that are acting like they're living this kind of wonderful life in this lockdown

i actually don't know anyone who's having a brilliant time, which is great. I know a wide range of people and I know a lot of, that sounds really like I know, but I do know, like what I mean is I know like a lot of people who have quite corporate-y jobs, like not jobs like ours. And then I know a lot of people who have got jobs like ours. And I know a lot of people with kids and a lot of people without kids and um i'd say that everyone has different kind of hardships for different reasons like i sometimes find myself thinking i don't know if you do as well like i find myself imagining if this had happened 10 years ago how much i'd be accomplishing because i wouldn't have had kids yet yeah but then i think but people who were at

that stage perhaps it's not like they're getting up every day and doing yoga and getting loads of work done like it is hard for everyone yeah i do sometimes feel like kids they they need you so much and you can feel guilty that you're not giving them enough and it's quite hard things in lockdown um and you try and have as much fun as possible and hope they're learning a bit and stuff. But then I am also really grateful for the routine. Yeah. Like, you have to have lunch at 11.45. I don't think Ellis is, though.

I would be too. 8.30am, is he? 8.30am. I can take my earplug out. I'm raring ready for the day. But I don't think the day goes quicker with kids. I wouldn't want to be on my own indoors all day. I'd find it tremendously difficult, I think.

But the thing is also, I go to bed a lot later than him. But he doesn't seem to need time to digest the fact we're in lockdown. Whereas I sometimes just sit there for like 20 minutes after he's gone to bed and I'm like, oh, my God can't we're in lockdown like it's still kind of sinking yeah he's just like oh yes i'll take my history book to the to the window and look out of it there was a bit because he's got crones and he was told he couldn't go out for 12 weeks and now they've said that he's a moderate risk but at first they said he was high risk and he couldn't leave the house for 12 weeks right And a lot of people, that would have been quite shattering news.

And he was just like, oh, well, I'll sit on this bit. You can open the window on the landing. He was like, I'll sit on the landing and get some sun on my legs and I'll read my history book just for seven minutes a day and I'll be all right. You've got to remember, this is a man who's got a lot of time in the morning he's got 240 minutes before you've got up he could do whatever he wants he's watching sports documentaries i mean you know in a way he's got a good deal hasn't he he could do a full eastenders omnibus first thing what i've discovered is that there are certain things you can watch in the morning certain things you can't like i tried to watch charlie brooker's viral wipe today and it was too good to be able to watch while i was looking after the baby as well i was like oh i

don't want to watch this with subtitles well you've got it it's actually quite hard to find something i suppose sports is good isn't it yeah yeah it's disposable the crowd let you know when you have to look at the screen yes well i love i love getting up when this big boxing match a ufc match on late at night and it's like finishes at five in the morning i love getting up the girls because i can stick a telly on from somewhere and then go and watch the fights on my ipad and then i feel like i'm getting a little bonus morning so maybe he's doing that every day who knows we'll find out though well ellis come on find out is though. We'll find out. So we can corroborate all these stories. Yeah, can you tell him that he needs to come on and defend himself?

Yeah, he will. Well, not defend himself. He's going to be treated as a hero. If anything, he's what's keeping Britain alive. I'd like you to go in neutrally and hear his side. Yes, of course. I do cook a lot of very good meals. I'm very good at mopping.

And I would do the ironing if he wanted me to iron his shirt so that he could sit on the windowsill and everyone could see he comes out and at least the party ever goes out he does so much child care I'm sure he will come on um but he didn't want me to talk he was like don't talk about any arguments we have I don't want anyone to know so just don't tell him I said um Izzy, thanks so much. It's been such a pleasure. I've loved it. You need to get to bed because you're up in, what is it?

It's nine o'clock now. So you're up in 10 and a half hours. Thanks, Izzy. Thanks, Liz. Perfect. Thank you. Izzy Sooty. I absolutely love that.

That's great. She's brilliant, isn't she? Obviously did make you feel better about your own situations. Yeah, she's so jolly though, but then we found out why, because she gets up at 8.30. I mean, to be fair, she does do a lot of the stuff. So it's just, if Ellis is happy and everyone's happy. I think if you can find a split between you,

where one of you is doing the thing that you don't mind doing and the other's doing the thing that you don't mind doing and the other's doing the thing they don't mind doing that's the perfect situation well if you was ellis though right and the baby started waking up at say like we made a little noise then and he got up and then the baby went back to sleep for two hours would you say anything would you get back into bed or sleep on the sofa or what like what would you do I used to so I'd get up um when my daughter was waking up at um like five and then I'd take her out it was in the it was during the world cup so it was really hot so I'd go out and I'd listen to the BBC world cup

podcast and um we'd go to the park and I'd get it was two hours until her nap and then I'd always nap downstairs with her oh Oh yeah, definitely. You sleep when they sleep. That's a classic. Yeah. I just, as soon as she was down, I was down on the sofa. But it also makes you look like more of a hero, doesn't it? If you've been downstairs all that time.

A hero. A hero. An actual hero. But you know, it's just a thing. It'd be interesting to see if, you know, what Ellis thinks of it. Because everyone's so, I know it's such a cliche, isn isn't it but like every it's all different behind closed doors but like everyone's got their own weird little quirks and set up of what they do and if it works for people it works but what job would be the one you'd like to swap out so you don't have to do the most i cannot do early

mornings right and i thought after two months of lockdown i'd get used to it because my body clock will change because i'm not working late. I just can't, I just can't cope before about eight in the morning. But if you said to me, you've got to stay up till three, four in the morning with kids for whatever reason, I could do that easy.

I just, I'm just not, I can't, I'll go out, I'll take them out for the day on my own. I'll do tidying. I'll do all the cooking, but I just can't get up early.

My body just doesn't allow it. Oh, see, I'm not, I'd take the early mornings. I'd swap all the cooking, but I just can't get up early. My body just doesn't allow it. See, I'd take the early mornings. I'd swap it out for, I would love to swap it out for bedtime. The joy I would feel if I knew that I had that extra hour so that my day was ending an hour earlier. I'd take the early morning for the bedtime. So you didn't have to do bedtime.

Does it take you an hour to do bedtime? I reckon door to door door it's an hour it's that when people talk about how close they live to london yeah so i'll just hop straight in how long in a cab mate come on i've told you this i know that i haven't told you on the podcast but i've basically got in this situation where i do an encore with bed time so well yeah where I say good night to her and then I go out but I know she's going to ask me to come back in so there's this false ending and then I'll come back in for one last kind of good night yeah they do they they do anything they can to delay it they'll start telling you they love you all sorts yeah well that hasn't come to that yet but uh one

day well the two-year-old we're potty training we'll go I need a wee wee we know she doesn't right because she's still wearing a nappy overnight but because she's potty training she knows that we have to take her so then every night i put her on it she doesn't wee and i go you finish she goes yep and i take her back and it's just i just know it's coming bedtime is a string of small delaying tactics that have been developed over time so there's there is she's got these eight paddington books and she has to post each one through the bars of the cot she has to walk a small bit in a pair of roses shoes she has to like every single thing is like these small so true i need fresh water can i have fresh water for my drink yes you can have fresh yeah yeah okay i've

already put fresh water and you saw me do it an hour ago i'm not doing it again okay but you don't need any fresher than that so you say is it an hour yeah but each that hour is made up of 68 different events that are all back to back i'm sure people have got very weird sort of bedtime rituals if you've got rituals that are pointless but they have to be done or your kid doesn't go to sleep, let us know and get in contact with the podcast at hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk. And remember to subscribe to the podcast and give us a nice five-star rating. That's all the business, isn't it, Josh?

That's all the business. Come back next time. We'll have more of this. See you then. Bye. Bye.