Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP11: Jack Dee

Episode Date: June 2, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP11: Jack DeeJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is one of the countries most beloved comedians, the legend - Mr Jack Dee.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Tresemme. Want silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution. This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. Wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with the Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection. Visit Tresemme.com to learn more. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. won't. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing.

Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett and Dosh Widdicombe. Excellent. Yeah, happy with those two? A lot of energy on the Beckett there and then it's sort of trailed off. Rob Beckett and Dosh Widdicombe. Dosh Widdicombe, yeah, eight years of Last Leg. Absolutely KCO, Bayco, do you know what? Well, do you know what? Even worse, these people, this is Molly, who is a two-and-a-half-year-old Australian. Oh. So, you know, Last Leg should have really cut through over there

as well, annoyingly. Yeah, she was minus six when that show started. Molly has been stuck in an apartment with only her dad for company for much of the lockdown as her mum, Jen, is a health worker. They've been getting increasingly frustrated with each other to the extent she has recently told her dad to just go and watch the news when he annoyed her first thing in the morning. I get told, don't see me. Go away.

Don't look at me. Go away. I'm not sure if we have discussed this before. That is always bittersweet isn't it because you think oh license to not have to do the parenting well yeah exactly and then you sort of you want to be wanted but you don't want it when you're knackered i've got something i need to get off my chest about parenting go on i cannot tell you how much i hate paddling pools oh the worst yeah i'm with you i've banned them in my house they're just an absolute

there's no point of the paddling pool process that isn't a horrific piece of shit in your life yeah it gets too dirty it's slippy it ruins the grass it takes ages to fill up really difficult to md yeah the kids go in for about a second you have to watch them the whole time in case they just lie in it, face down for no reason. It's the ultimate death trap. It's not fun for them, really. Slipping or drowning are the two things that you're thinking about.

So there's no relaxing for the parent. No. Can you swim, Josh? Can you swim? I can't really swim, no. Yeah, are you scared around water? I'm not scared around a paddling pool I'm short Rob and I can't swim but it's not that big a paddling pool

so she straight away is filling it with shit, filling it with stuff so we've got a ball, like a little ball pool that we bought every single ball has gone in the paddling pool and then combined with paper and toys and and then i'm just left to fish all this shit out and then try and dispose of all this water

onto a lawn which it's just the whole thing has been awful and then they'll just want to do it again they do just do that is the problem with kids they do want to keep doing stuff over and over again even if it is boring. But what I do now is you can get little sprinkler things. You can get just a sprinkler that put that up. They can run through it. Or there's this like big tube thing that fills up. You plug the hose into it, fills up the water,

and then spurts out of it like a sort of water feature type thing that they can jump on. So that's good. Better than a paddling pool. I used to love the sprinkler. I used to love the sprinkler when I was a kid running through the sprinkler was the best probably the happiest i've ever been in my whole life actually running through the sprinkler as a child i was thinking about this earlier and you've just done you've just done it again i think there

should we should really have a like a jingle and a feature which is for when you suggest an item that people can buy to make their lives better because it happens at least once on every episode i'm that annoying am i annoying parent though because i hate parents no i don't i think you're just like it feels like you've been moonlighting for qvc or something so you've got all these great ideas i should bring up merch beckett the beckett sprinkler um how have you been rob yeah not too bad the potty training has come on we've had two days in a row of poo in potty not in knickers and we have got a giant box of toys though and she gets a toy like not like expensive toy went down yeah home bargains and got basically plastic that you're not allowed to buy because it ruins the world but at this stage of my life i'm willing to take that risk for my own sanity in a party yeah for shit in a potty i'm willing

to add to the plastic problem that's my life okay that's my truth when my kids are a bit older that's your truth that's my truth it is as well. Yeah, I don't. I'm willing to have a piece of plastic shit to get a shit in a posse. That is totally acceptable, I think. I will use single-use plastic. I'm sorry. I feel like you're not backing me up on this, Josh, because you do the last leg. No, no, no.

I just haven't got to the point where I'm hanging you up to dry, mate. Yeah. Once this conversation has been written down and reprinted in the Daily Mail, I'll look clean as a whistle. Oh, God, you'll look great. Just say, where did I come sat there in silent judgment? So that's going well. Oh, yeah, so it's going well.

We're pooing in the potty, and she's very happy and excited about it. So, yeah, morale is very good. And also, we're at the point now where people can come around in the afternoon in the garden and be two meters apart. So morale's good. We're at the point now where people can come around in the afternoon in the garden and be two metres apart. So morale's good. We're seeing people. And my kids are back to school, preschool, next Monday, which I'm very excited about. Yours starts this week, doesn't she?

Wednesday. She goes back to nursery on Wednesday. They've removed the sandpit from nursery because, obviously, that is a corona disaster waiting to happen. We've got all the information. We've got our slots. I managed to – I feel like I've got an Ocado slot. We got the slot we wanted, which was the earliest possible drop-off and the latest possible pick-up.

Absolutely delighted with that. Absolutely first class. That's what you wanted. Everyone's going for. Earliest drop-off. What times you got? We've got between 8.30 and 8.50 drop-off. I don't know if i'm

like i've just got visions of pegging it down the street at 8 48 i'm gonna miss a chance because they can't go in can they then no i don't know what would happen we'd just be stuck outside and then we've got uh pickup i think is 5 10 to 5 30 oh that is a long day our one's more of a preschool so it's 9 till 3 30 but their new hours are 10 till 2, so it's only a lot shorter. But, yeah, that's enough. It's enough for a little break. It's enough. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'll let you know how the drop-off went. I do feel sorry for those kids, though, that go to breakfast school, whatever it is, and they get dropped off at, like, half 7 in the morning and then get picked up at 6 again. That's hard work, isn't it? That's difficult. It's a long old day for a kid, mate. Yeah lot there's a much longer day's work than i've ever done in my life oh mate yeah i didn't do that long when i worked at sainsbury's do you think

they should unionize those children because those are actually their human rights are being broken by the length of those hours i think it'd be really good for kids because a lot of the time parents do that because they have to because of their commute but if they're working from home now they can start work at nine they don't have to leave and get the train for an hour and a half up to london or manchester wherever they're going so that they can you know drop the kid off about eight o'clock ish rather than dropping them off at silly o'clock so i just wouldn't tell my child i was working from home is that simple i just say i just drop them off at brexit club then i just sit in the car alone for an hour and a half but what happens is josh

that's fine until they get to about 13 and start talking to their mates and that's when the hatred and resentment starts because they know what you did and they'll be like yeah but my my friend his dad only used to drop them off at 10 till 2 and then i'll be the best one and you're looking well you play the wrong game rob and i am going to be enjoying an episode of Pointless, and no one will disturb me. Right, correspondence. It's the lockdown parody mailbag. But it's actually emails, and there's no bag.

This is from Alex Smith. Hi, Rob and Josh. I've just listened to your fabulous podcast with Izzy Suti. What an absolute bloody legend her other half sounds. Taking inspiration from your Simon Sam correspondent. So he's done some maths here. An extra four hours in bed a day, which is what Izzy gets over Ellis, equates to 28 hours a week, which equates to 122 hours a month.

Or to put it another way, Iz equates to 122 hours a month. Or to put it another way, Izzy is having 61 extra days in bed per year. Oh! Imagine that! Two months! She's got two months extra in bed. When Ellis hears about this, we've got to get him on and read these facts to him. That is mind-blowing.

She's got an extra 61 days in bed. Do you know what? We've had a lot of love for Ellis. That has been the greatest PR drive Ellis has ever done in his life, that podcast. He's going to be welcomed onto this podcast like a kind of the king of parenting. It's going to be unbelievable. I'm talking about the Teresa figure.

This is a Saint Ellis. Oh, I can't wait to speak to him about it um izzy obviously has done herself a world of damage with that interview but there we go some some wins some loses right only got small amounts of time but want big amounts of flavor canora has got you our new canora rice cups deliver all the tastes without the prep or wait time we're talking yummy creamy creamy, hearty goodness. Choose from loads of delicious, more-ish flavors ready in only two and a half minutes. It's not cup food, it's good food in a cup. Visit Knorr.com to learn more.

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about rhabelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. We've discussed before bedtime routine and the things you have to do to get your child to go to bed. This is from Karen Gumbel. Dear Rob and Josh, you asked for tales of other people's bedtime routines. And we had quite a weird one. When my son was about two and a half, he's currently five, he started to have to do a dance

before bed. We would have to sit and be his audience and play music from our phones while he danced and jumped about like a nutcase, jumping off the bed, etc. Most requested tunes were Adam Ant's Prince Charming, Beastie Boys' Fight For Your Right To Party, or the theme tune from Iron Man

cartoon he watches on Netflix. Bedtime would take forever, as it would also include a bath or shower, trying to catch him running about naked afterwards, getting him dressed, the dancing, and at least two stories, plus cuddling him until he went to sleep. Oh, my God. God. These things, these routines that you get in before putting a child in bed

are absolutely the most soul-sapping thing in the world once you realise you've got another bit locked in. My daughter has to put on my wife's shoes and walk through from the bedroom to her room now, which takes at least five minutes. And it's... I mean, obviously it's pointless. Yeah.

But it's so heartbreaking every day when you realise that's the next bit that you've got coming up. Could I suggest something? Here we go. This is what I always try and do. Try and make what they're trying to do more fun and exciting but quicker so you can be like oh my god mummy's got turbo shoes today and as she's walking pick her up and go turbo shoes and like just carry her into the room fast and go that's a good one oh my god did you see what the shoes

did today have you told mummy what the shoes did and then she's like oh my god i've got turbo shoes and then it sort of will speed up the process do you know what i'm gonna do that and then in i'll report back on how turbo shoes went good well let's see but that's that's what that's all my is my instinct is to add something more fun to it i think that's what there's um was it old gumball was it karen gumball yeah karen g there. Obviously, her son loves the Iron Man song, and that's the song he wants to dance to, and they've slipped in these new suggestions that will be funny for them to watch.

Oh, so you don't think he's a fan of the Beastie Boys? I don't think so. He might be a bit before his time. He's only five, isn't he? If you have anything you want to get in touch with us about that we've discussed or will discuss for the rest of the episode, if you want Ellis James' number, that kind of kind of thing yeah or if you've got a question that i will give you what would rob beckett do yes that's the that's the feature yes so you've

got the shoes waddling to the bedroom yeah that's slowing you up hold off her turbo shoes so if you've got any other problems or any other bedtime routine things or stuff with kids ask us and i'll tell you what i'd do i'm not saying it might be the right thing, but it's what I'll do with my kids. By the end of this, you're going to be like, like when we were growing up, there was that woman, Claire Rayner, who was like the kind of agony aunt of the nation. You're going to be like, you're going to be like super nanny.

I'm going to sniff out a book deal and then a TV show. I'm just going to stroll around in a suit and be like, this is what Rob Beckett would do. Turbo shoes on that whingy little bitch imagine if you got brought in by nightmare parents on like parents are having a disaster and you turn up on channel four for an hour what would rb do i'll be beckles here it would be incredibly watchable but i don't know how it would go down for the paddling pool rid of the paddling pool. It's sprinkler time. Stuff like that. Right. Where have we got to?

Let's introduce our guest. So the guest this week, an absolute barnstormer, Josh, one of the most famous comedians in the country, one of the best comedians we've ever produced, the legend that is Jack D. Hello, Jack D. How are you? I'm very well. Thank you, Josh. Yeah are you? I'm very well.

Thank you, Josh. Yeah, you? Yeah, I'm all right, yeah. That's not very on brand for you, being very well. Well, this is, in a way, I feel I'm in my element now. It's what I've waited for all my life. Everyone's miserable and frightened and staying in, you know. Well, I'm not being facetious about it, of course.

But part of the thing is that you can't – one of the worst things is when people say, oh, how are you? You know, you go, well, how do you think I am? What is the pandemic on? Have you not read the news? I'm like everyone else. I am worried and bored. That's how I am.

What's your setup at home, Jack? How many kids have you got? Are they still at home or are they in their own places? Well, I've got four children and my kids are grown up, so they don't necessarily live here all the time, although we are observing strict regulations. Of course we are. One of them lives in Barnard Castle.

are observing strict regulations of course we are one of them lives in barnard castle she has 2020 eyesight which we're very proud of but now i've got two sons uh who are living with us all the time because they've come back from university they're both at universities and so they've been doing one has been doing his finals and one has been doing end of year exams and exams. So that's been that sort of background tension of people not looking forward to exams and stuff. Are they doing the exams from home? How does that work? Yeah, well, they have this open book exam thing, which I think, which is what I always thought was cheating. But they're allowed to do their exams on the internet. They get emailed the exam paper at 9 o'clock.

They have to hand it in at 12. And I suppose it's like whatever you can do. I just, you know... Are you invigilating? Yeah, I'm walking up and down making sarcastic comments over their shoulder. You didn't want to put that. And they're twins, aren't they? So your two sons are twins.

They're twins. So they're both 22 and they're non-identical, so they're very, very different. And so it's like, it's not like you've got two kind of identical freaks going around the place. Couldn't be, you know, couldn't have any telepathy and all that going on at the table that would be just that would not that would not work for me if they had been identical I think I would have just done eeny meeny miny moe and sold one of them

I just wouldn't want that going on would you it'd be hard you know they speak their own little language and everything oh what was the moment like when you realized that you were going to have three but now you're going to have four children well uh the the news was broken to me actually by Hattie who's our eldest daughter she was then she was uh she was what six and I got paid I was working at ITV and um uh I got paid to go to the front desk. And when I turned up, Jane, my wife, was there with Hattie and Phoebe, our two daughters. And my memory is Hattie running towards me with this photo, the scan photo, saying, there are two of them, there are two of them.

Really excited because we hadn't found out until it was about a 20-week scan or something. really excited because she hadn't we hadn't found out until it was about a 20 week scan or something and uh and the uh the guy doing the sort of thing and said oh have we told you if they're identical or not and jane said what and that's how we found out you know we're doing what you're talking about wow we were lucky there because we'd already had two children so we kind of knew a bit about how to look after babies and kids and stuff like that.

I think I've got friends, and you probably know people as well, who have twins first time round, and I just don't know how they cope with that. Because that is a bad enough shot with one of them, isn't it? You know, one baby will ruin your life. What did two do at the same time? Two of them coming in, I mean, just awful. So what's it like having twins? So are you putting them down to bed at the same time?

Are you trying to bath? Is it all like you're just trying to double team them in that sense? No, they were never in sync with each other. They could never kind of like both be hungry at the same time, both be tired at the same time. They did shift work. That's what it was. So it was 24-hour full on.

You'd have one would fall asleep, the other one wake up, and so you have to get them out of the room in case they wake the other one up. It really was chaos. In fact, a couple of times we just hired a nanny me and jane and just went went away to a hotel for the weekend to sleep yeah literally just a hotel down the road just so we're just going to scream it wasn't even a nice hotel just go down there there's an ibis down the road we just went there sleep for 25 what's our point though where you thought they might be identical?

Because I swear, all babies are the same. Was you just looking at them going, are you sure they're not? And then eventually they look different. No, one of them is quite a lot chunkier than the other one. Charlie comes out first, and he's the big bruiser. He was taking up all the space. And then Miles comes out, and he's a little bit more sort of petite and small, but, you know, I mean, he's great.

And then the doctor goes, right, let's see what number three is. And Jane nearly... LAUGHTER Jane practically fell off the table. And he goes, oh, just joking. I said, yeah, all right, all right, just leave that to me. That is a great line, though, for someone for someone i know i felt i said i know the safe limits of humor in my household you've gone way past it do they get on well then they do

they do get on well because i mean partly they get on well because they're complete opposites to each other and that's i think is uh one of the sort of redeeming features if you have twins who decide not to be like each other or just aren't anyway and they right from day one would not do the same thing as each other so if they were doing the same homework one would do coloring in and the other one decide not to color in and just you know scribble over it or something and it would just be it was always i will not do what he does and vice versa so they never they were never competing never trod on each other's territory so in that respect it's quite good and i always think if you put them together you'd have the perfect human but they just have very

very very opposite views have you clashed with them at all since i've been back from uni because they're like adults now just having two blokes in your house it's nice though it's great i've really enjoyed having them around actually because you know when they come downstairs you've got someone to have a beer with and you know and uh charlie especially does all his working out in the garden because he's been big into rugby and training and stuff like that so he's pretty serious about that and miles is is big into his music and uh so there's loads of conversations going on. I've enjoyed that. You know, they do, once they get to, you know, beyond 19 or something,

they're quite nice company. Not long, Rob. Not long. Not long. Yeah, you've got that to look forward to. 20 years time, I can have a half the world and my daughter. If the world's still going at that rate. It'll be 2040 by then. how so are you a baby have you

a four-year-old and a two-year-old oh yeah two and a half year old yeah that's right yeah yeah i remember that yeah that's that constant attention how did you find it when they were that age because you you must have had well you know when they were babies so was it four under the age of six would you have had yeah we did at one point and And it was, I mean, as I've sort of highlighted, outlined some of it already, it was very, very difficult at times because there was never a day when everyone was on top form. So I can remember thinking, will there ever come a day when one of the children doesn't ruin everything?

No. There is. None of them have got, you've got to have, to have four of them on good form. The chances of that are like guessing someone's combination lock on their bike or something. It's not going to happen, ever. And that doesn't really even out until they got to about, well, at least to secondary school, I think.

But, yeah. Were you working a lot at the time? even out until they got to about at least a secondary school i think but uh yeah it was were you working a lot at the time oh i i was i never stopped working as soon as the boys were born i just i rang addison on my agent at the time just said look book me a tour and he says what would you mean i don't care where i go book me a tour i will i want to be away from home for the next eight months at least and then and i had then I literally had a tour manager turns up in a nice, comfortable car, just crawled in the back seat and slept. I woke up in Bolton or somewhere, did a show, stayed in the hotel and then made out to my wife that I was working hard.

It was the only way I could get through it. Just run away, Basically run away. And who are these comedians who bring their children with them? Oh, Christ. What's the point? What's the point of being a comedian if you take your children around with you? Why would you do that? You know, Edinburgh Festival is a month.

You've got a free pass for a month. And then you see these people letting the whole side down by, oh, I've got my children with me. They love it here. Yeah, because then other people go, oh, they went up with their kids. Yeah. Yeah, I know, but their kids are simple. They just like being, you know, you paint their face

and they're happy all day, aren't they? They're not like our kids. They need to be more stimulated. Yeah. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape

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Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. What are you doing with your days then, Jack, in lockdown? We bought a dog and did quite a lot of cooking. I've done all that stuff. I'm a bit of a cliche really. We've made banana bread. I haven't

done the sourdough thing. I think that is unfair. I don't think anyone should be doing sourdough. Really, to be qualified to make sourdough thing i think that is unfair i don't think anyone should be doing sourdough unless they've actually because really to be qualified to make sourdough bread you need to have retired from a uh a lucrative job in the city have a nervous breakdown and and retrain as an artisan baker and i think us all just showing how easy it really is is just it's unfair on them they've gone through all that trouble of having a life crisis. And now we're just all doing it. Do you miss your kids being young then, Jack?

Or does it feel like you like, I'm glad not to be going back there? Well, I think this is why, you know, people actually love grandchildren. It's because you get that second go at it. And there's no pressure on you to be a great parent or to have them for the full time um because i can now look at kids that age and oh they're so cute aren't they look you know you see and you see a lot of them now out and they're picnicking with their parents and stuff on the common and and it and you know obviously kids are adorable aren't they like puppies you can't not like them but it's when you got to look

after them full time it becomes more of a problem. So I sometimes look back on it, but I will never forget what it was like. I can't forgive them. I can't forgive them. That's my problem. So obviously you would have had, was it no iPads generation for your kids growing up, or were iPads knocking around then? We hardly even had drawing pads and stuff.

We just, you know, colouring in. We were all old school. So, yeah, that stuff never came in. And I can remember someone, my parents, you know, we would treat the kids to an iPad at Christmas. I don't give them that. They don't want an iPad. You know, once you start down that road, then you've bought into having to get them updated and

get them all the latest stuff. So it's better just to fool them into thinking no one can have any of it. And then, and then they're going to be delighted when they finally get a job and can buy something for themselves. That's why I never took them skiing. Cause I knew that I knew they'd enjoy it. And then I'd be committed. I'd be committed to a lifetime of taking them skiing and buying them new anoraks every year and all that stuff. I just, you know, make life simple for yourself. Don't make a rod for your own back like that. Don't find too many things that are enjoyable

or you'll be trying to do it all the time. Yeah, exactly. They just want to do it again and again. And, you know, that's a problem in itself, isn't it? Did you watch a lot of TV growing up? You must have been all over, like, Jack D's happy hour and, like, live at the Apollo must have been when they were kids. Were they watching that?

Were they proud of you? No, they weren't. They weren't watching it because they weren't old enough, really. That's the truth of it. They weren't really old enough to be aware of it. I do remember on one occasion being on an airplane with the children and Hattie was actually quite supposed to come in all of them, but then she was having a bit of a fit about something.

And then the screen came on on the back of the seat in front of us, you know, the TV screen. And I was on it. And she looked at that and looked at me and thought, that's not right. That's witchcraft, you know. And she did behave because I gave her a look. I said, see, that's what I can do.

That's the power I have. And she just shut up after that. It was quite a quiet flight. I think she's been scared of me ever since. How was holidaying with that many kids there? Did you enjoy that or did you try and stay in the UK? What would you do for holiday? You know, I never, I just, I could never see the point in, you know,

I've just, that was flying. We went to Australia for that. That was gigging. And that was when I couldn't get out of bringing the children with us but um but with holidays I I when the boys were born I just said to Jane that's it we're not we are not going on a foreign holiday uh at least for another 20 years because I'm not I'm not flying with all these people that I can't do it this you can't you know well you have to tell you have to hire a whole plane to get them around the place. They don't care where they are anyway.

We used to go to Dorset. You can tell them you're in Japan. They'll believe you at age. They'll be happy. We went to Dorset. You go over this little chain ferry. It takes about 12 minutes, and that's about as far, as long as you want to be contained in a vehicle with your children.

And then they thought we were in a different country, so they were happy. It was a slide there and there was, you know. Did you ever do Disney? We did Disneyland Paris, you know, Euro Disney it was called then. And that was pretty dreadful. I'll tell you what happened. Do you know what? I've not ever really got over my annoyance was, have you been there?

Have you ever been there? Yes, I've been. They've got that Wild West show. They've got a Wild West show, right? And they have, you know, it was a Calamity Jane, right? So she comes out on a horse and starts shooting things with a rifle, these bottles that go. And then they grab people out of the audience, okay? And it's a big audience, right?

And the worst thing that could have happened to me is being grabbed onto the stage, right? I get grabbed on with some eight-year-old kid as well, who I don't know who he is. He comes on. And we both get given guns to shoot at these bottles on the wall, right? And you're pretty famous at this point as well. Yeah, I think there were English people in there nudging each other going,

look, it's him. So I have to shoot the bottle, have a shot at the bottle. And of course I miss right now. I know I didn't miss. I'm a good shot. I've had an air rifle all my life. I could have done that. I could have done that blindfold. And then, so I miss everyone laughs at me, not with me, like when you're a comedian.

Everyone laughs at me. And then the eight-year-old, now you have a go. Of course, what does he do? He hits the bottle first time. Everyone's cheering him. I'm utterly humiliated. I've never wanted to go back to the place since that's a stitch up isn't it if that had happened in the era of

camera phones it would have haunted you so much more jack oh would it my god it would have come back to me with a look at this idiot trying to shoot a bottle he's an adult and then and then the kid can. It was a fix. It was a fix. There's no two ways about it. If there's anyone out there, by coincidence, who's listening and was there, I just want them to know it was a fix.

I'm sticking with it. Well, that's the thing. If you're at Disneyland Paris with your kids and you're famous in the UK on the TV, loads of British tourists, that is the worst case scenario for you, really, isn't it? To be dragged out of the audience and done that. Could of British tourists. That is the worst case scenario for you, really, isn't it? To be dragged out of the audience and done that. Could not be worse.

And then humiliated, you know, in a way that it really goes right to the heart of what it is to be a man. Did your kids, were you a grumpy father? Does that kind of like, would your kids describe you as that, do you think? You know, I suppose, I suppose probably they would. I don't know. What I mean is when you're with your kids,

is there a different side to Jack D, to the Jack D that the public knows and loves? Are you actually a big softy with your kids? Of course, you know, when it comes to being, you know, of course I'm a nice comes to being you know of course i'm i'm i'm a nice dad of course i am you know i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm not wanting to actually show up but you're a good man let it go rob let it go just you know uh i think with this this is a case with most comedians is that what you do on stage is is an exaggeration of that element of you that is, will make people laugh anyway at home.

But you, of course you, you enlarge on that. And I mean, there are times when I'm just, I am just a grumpy sod. I mean, that's it.

I can't help it. And I don't even know I'm doing it. I don't even know I'm doing it. I really, I really genuinely don't know I'm doing it. That's why I was, I was terrified when it came to the clap on Thursday nights, because you know,

I, with my face and my voice when i'm being sincere people think i'm being sarcastic right i if i'm just standing in my front door clapping and going yeah you're the best you're the best and he's like yeah come on jack this is the nhs i know i'm doing my bit yeah like you mean it and i say i am meaning it i do mean it i i get that the opposite because i've got a bit more of like a happier outward demeanor if i'm just sat on a train just like with no expression on my face i go are you okay yeah fine they expect me so i'm on a bloody train yeah choo-choo coming everyone

you know what do they want on the carriage? That must make it easier for people coming up to you, Jack, because you can just be Jack D and tell them to piss off, right? That is one advantage. You're right, because I've always thought it would be very trying if you were like Joe Pasquale or something. That's just a general point, though, isn't it? But, you know, if you, oh, it's Joe Pasquale or something. That's just a general point though, isn't it? But, you know, if you, oh, you know, oh, it's Joe Pasquale.

And he'd have to start squeaking for them to feel that they'd got their money's worth out of him. Whereas with me, they'll go, oh, is he shacked in? And I go, yeah, yeah. And I just shrug and they go, oh, he's so funny. It's just like that off stage as well. I went up, he just told me to get lost. He's so funny, he's a laugh. You know, you don't know what mood anyone's going to be in

when you approach them in the street. So, yeah, it's difficult. But both of you are quite cheerful disposition, really, aren't you? Yeah, that's the problem. So people would expect that all the time, wouldn't they? I know, I'm losing one fan with everyone I meet, I can tell you that. You only got seven. This lockdown's coming at the right time for you, Jack.

You've done wonders for my career. Yeah, at least you got that to blame. Looking back, though, when you had your kids younger, Jack, was there any moments where you thought, oh, I've messed up here? Not in like a really bad way, but just little moments where you've had fails with them? I feel I've let myself down a couple of times in the past where I haven't sort of lived up to being the image of a dad

that I had in my mind. You know what I mean? I remember taking them to the dentist, and they were all nervous of the dentist. And we all had this sort of family booking at the dentist, a sort of fun day out. And because they were all nervous of it. I said, look, it's nothing to be worried about. It's just something you've got to do, isn't it? Go to the dentist, get your teeth checked out. And then, you know,

you can sort things out before they go wrong. I'll show you how easy it is. I'll go first. So I go, I go first and the dentist says, Oh yeah, I've got a little bit of a filling here. I'll just do that quickly for you. And he, he, I don't know what he did, but he drilled straight into a root canal. And it was like I was in the electric chair. My legs and arms flying around the place. I was screaming. Jane had to get them all out of the car, out into the car.

He'll be all right in a minute. The whole dental appointment was canceled. It was like, oh, and now they've never been A dentist since So I've Failed them, I've failed them in that respect You can't Get it all right, can you?

But also, when you've got four kids, you've got so many Different types of personality there You've probably got one of every kind of human There is on earth And so I can't be everything to everyone So there's probably at least two of them hate me. I'll go with that. Jack, we normally ask our guests who have got younger kids,

what they do if they had the house to themselves for the whole day. Whereas it seems like you've semi got that already with your older kids. So what would you do if you had all four of them back, you know, the ages of like two, four and and like that age group of them? What would you be doing with them? And I have to stay in? Yes, we've been. Oh, well, I mean, we had lots of days like that where you just,

you get everything out in the garden, don't you? You know, bloody paddling pool and that's you know that's your lawn wrecked and then that's ruined it didn't you just you know you're trying to involve them in everything but it's it's a chore isn't it until it's until you can get away from them you know you you know i i've always i've tried to be a good dad, but I'm always thinking, when is this going to end? When can I get away from you? Rob, do you always have the same final question? Yeah, the final question, Jack,

have you had a highlight and a lowlight of lockdown? A point where you thought, actually, this is amazing, and a bit where you thought, this has got to end, I'm going mad. Oh, God, there have been so many. I think the highlights have been where we've just thought, you know what, let's do cocktail hour. Let's cook something nice for dinner. Let's have a bottle of wine and forget about everything.

And it's nice and quiet because there's no aircraft going over. There's no traffic outside. That, I suppose, is what you would consider the highlight of it. The low points have been more to do with everything being cancelled that we'd planned. You know, we were going to go on holiday, we were going to do this, we were going to do that. But you know what?

Again, I don't want to sound sincere about it you know to to uh earnest but uh you know i i've known i've known someone who succumbed to the illness and it's a horrible horrible business so that that was you know it that's that's i don't want to end on the bummer you asked though didn't you yeah what do you think the low point is when people you love die. All right? Yeah. I feel like I'm getting... Thanks for having me on your podcast. Like the dentist trip. You wanted it.

This is the truth of it, Rob. We've all had a laugh. We've all had a laugh, but that is really where it's at, isn't it? Also, I was going to ask this, though, as well. Are your kids on TikTok? And are they trying to make you be on TikTok and annoy you? Because that's the perfect age for TikTok. I don't, honestly, I don't even know what TikTok is,

even with all the kids of my age. I literally don't know what it is. They might well be, but I'm not aware of it. They show me stuff that, you know, funny videos and that. Is that what it is, TikTok? Yeah, so it's all funny videos. And because it's all of that age group, sort of teenagers teenagers through to uni students they're all at home annoying their parents so i was wondering if we could look forward to seeing you being wound up by your kids which i think would

uh i i wouldn't i wouldn't want to be filmed doing anything let alone uh you know being an idiot around the house but do you try and are you one of those parents that tries to be into the kind of new things that your kids are into, or are you quite happy to go, not for me? Oh, absolutely. I think you have to set your boundaries very early on in this and just say, look, you do your thing, all right? I don't expect you to get interested in what I'm interested in. You do your thing and I'll do mine, and that way we'll both get along fine.

Is that prison cellmates yeah it is you know and i i don't like i don't like adults who ingratiate themselves on kids especially once the kids get to like secondary school age or something that that is it's pathetic you know just just at your age to let your kids do what they do and and you do your thing but don't don't hang around hoping you're going to be involved in some way because it's embarrassing for them you know that is the aim in life once you're an adult and you've got kids your main aim is just not to become an embarrassment it's not even about being a cool person or a cool dad.

It's just don't be an embarrassment. If you can avoid that, you've won. You've won. Which takes us back to shooting that can at Euro Disney. Oh, don't. It's shocking. And I won't ever go back. It's their loss.

It's their loss. Brilliant. Thanks, Jack. Thank you so much for doing it. Cheers, mate. Oh, Jack D there. Do you know what? He wouldn't want me to say it, but such a nice man.

He's honestly absolutely lovely because I've always, I'm still in awe of him because he was a hero of mine growing up, being up with the Alan Davis episode and the Jonathan Ross one. But like he was, when I first did, we did, you know, that O2 gala gig we did, the charity gig at the O2? I was so nervous and so worried. And I did a warm-up gig with him and I was just like staring at him, like, oh my God, it's Jack D. And he was just so nice and kind.

I think you're a bit worried he might be a bit mean because he's got that grumpy persona, but he's not. He's a lovely bloke, but even before we started recording, we sort of could hear him getting his delivery and he just sounds like he's got the ump when he hasn't and he's like all right lads yeah he's not like he's he's like no it's not like he puts it on he's like yeah yeah i'm all right yeah that's what we're doing here okay he just yeah he's so funny i i think this podcast that we semi-started in order for us to vent and make yourself feel

better about like the non-stop child care it's actually gone the other way and it's made me realize how much people miss their kids being little yeah and after these records especially with people like jack you've got older kids i sort of go back to them and give them a big cuddle and go oh i'm so lucky though to have them this much even though i'm knackered and going a bit loopy but i do feel like i've got into the groove of it a bit more since it's been going on for ages totally go back hug them pick up a piece of shit and carry on with your day I mean as soon as he shits her knickers again I'll be fuming but uh the cuddle before she shits herself's lovely just squeeze the shit out of her and then back back to whinging but yeah that's great yeah really good um it's

it's interesting isn't it like what it'd be like to relate to like a grown-up child if in 20 years when i'm 50 whatever i am i'd be well i'll be 57 jesus Oh, my God. 57. Imagine your little grey curly hair. What's going on? I just had a real moment there. Oh, no. When you go grey instead of blonde, you're going to look like a right little weird fellow. You're going to look like a little feminist activist

with curly grey hair. I think I'm going to be one of those people that finally grows into their looks with age. But anyway. I don't know. I think they'll go, what the fuck are those ever twins? He's been a boy for 40 years. He's turned into a man.

Do you reckon one day I'll just wake up and I'll have just sagged? I don't think there's going to be any, like, there's going to be no joining photos. Like a pair overnight. Boom. Man. I remember when I used to work at a supermarket and I was like 17, 18, and my mate went, oh yeah, we're going for a drink, come along.

And he was mate from school and all that. And everyone turned up. And then he went, yeah, I'm bringing my mate from work. And he'd started being a plumber and he turned out of a 55-year-old bloke that he's in the van with. And I was like, what's this? What's going on?

And then at that age, when you're 22, you can't hang around with a 50-year-old bloke that he's in the van with. And I was like, what's this? What's going on? But at that age, when you're 22, you can't hang around with a 50-year-old. I was like, you need to give me a heads up. You can't just turn up with a 50-year-old bloke and just eat it around him. It's madness. It's a weird age where you have to just stay with someone older's coming. Yeah, definitely. But I can't wait. It'd be amazing to go out for a pint.

When they listen back to this. I was wondering that. I was wondering that the other day, whether this is going to cause problems in my relationship with my daughter in the future. But we'll cross that bridge when this becomes unprofitable. If they still want to live in our house, they'll have to fucking deal with it.

All right? Because I've got to earn for money somehow. Josh, should we tell the people I can get in contact? Yes. Rate us on iTunes. We are closing in on 3,000 ratings. Oh. Oh.

And they can get in contact with email at hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you in a few days. And next time, we've got Alison Hammond chatting on the show. Absolutely amazing. She's absolutely brilliant. Look forward to it. Terrible mic technique.

Awful. What a woman. Terrible internet. Great woman. Thank you very much. Bye. Bye.