Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP12: Alison Hammond

Episode Date: June 5, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP12: Alison Hammond Joining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the wonderful presenter, Alison Hammond.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell, the show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest,

none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Jemian. Josh Woodicombe. Ronald O'Hanlon. Rob Beckett. Lob Beckett. Lob Beckett.

I mean, you're all right with Lob Beckett. Lob Beckett's a lot closer than mine, I'll give you that, Rob. Yeah, that kid really didn't want to be involved in that. Thank you, though, Natalie Corner, for sending it in, but the kid didn't seem keen on us. No, he wasn't that fussed. That is Natalie Corner's three-year-old attempting to say our names, and he wasn't actually interested, but he immediately asked when he was going to be on the radio so hello to him oh yeah when this

gets picked up mate you and me both brother um so how you been Rob uh yeah not too bad actually pretty good we went um down to the seaside the other day during the week it was really quiet kids loved it and but one of them did wake up at five to five and it was that was a really tough day but I took them down to the coast they just slept in the car which is an absolute having a car and just banging a minute from to sleep is a game changer it does help what do you do when they're asleep in the car do you just stare and think or you oh no so what I do is loud music to get them off to sleep I've worked out if it's too quiet, any extra noise will wake them up. So keep it loud at the start and then they get used to that volume.

And then when they're asleep, slide on a podcast. But you can't have the podcast on too early because the talking's a bit, it's not soothing enough. Yeah, of course. But you have to really be careful because sometimes you can slide a podcast on and you just see one little eye open and another key point is make sure if you've got it on shuffle at no point ever does any disney song come on because they will know what it is start vibing it's like putting come on eileen on at a wedding the man out of nowhere she's up she's done nothing for five hours not even gone to the buffet but now she's back in the game so yeah you've got to wait till they're fully gone.

What we should do is we should start our podcast with like 10 minutes of loud music and then we should just ease ourselves into the mix over the top of it so that we're the perfect thing to use in the car. I mean, it's a tough first listen

to a new listener though, isn't it? It's like 10 minutes of trance. When are they going to come on? Rob, it's been a big week. Best to say with the message I sent you. Well, yes. I suggested Turbo Shoes to help you get

your daughter to sleep quicker, to speed up the bedtime routine because she shuffles along in shoes, doesn't she? So I suggested picking her up. Yeah, so she wears my wife's sparkly shoes. Shout in Turbo Shoes to speed it up. And this is what you sent me about how that went down. Quick parenting update.

Turbo shoes went down like a crock of shit. Yeah, it was a disaster, Rob. It was an absolute disaster. Let's listen to your reply. I would like to say it's probably in the delivery, knowing you. Well, I worried about that, mate. I did worry that I wasn't selling it. I can't hear you.

It's just turbo shoes. You sort of sound quite panicked. Maybe I didn't sell it very well. Talk me through it. What happened? So she put on the shoes and I was like, here we bloody go. Let's just bash through this with the turbo shoes. So I went to pick her up and I said turbo shoes but not with a bit more have you explained turbo

shoes yeah I said they're fast they're turbo shoes something like that before you picked them up the moment I said the words turbo shoes she was like no these are sparkly shoes oh okay yeah she's very precise on what is and what isn't so if ever i reword a song that she's aware of she absolutely comes down on me like a ton of bricks oh really yeah if i was to do the theme tune of sarah and duck but do it with her name put in there she'll like go no it's sarah and duck and so this she couldn't comprehend the sparkly shoes turning into turbo shoes because she's too literal. Yes. Could you then say, oh, look, this is Vulsion 2.

Look at your sparkly shoes. They're doing special sparkle power. Because then you're owning the sparkle, but it's essentially... Oh, okay. In all sense of purposes, it's turbo shoes, but you're just saying sparkle shoes as you run with her from the bathroom to her room to speed it up. Okay, I'm going to try it tonight. I'm very excited to try it oh look at the sparkly shoes with their special sparkly power

yeah i'm gonna bet that will be fine and then the moment my hands touch her sides she'll absolutely freak but we'll see how it goes could i suggest something in the build-up because it's all about the sales pitch before you deliver the sparkle turbo shoes is you need to go oh look are they your sparkle shoes and she's like yeah and then you get your like your wife into go oh look the sparkles you just did you know and then you almost talk to rose about the shoes yeah and then go look what they do and then as you're doing it roses go like oh yeah and then i mean it's a lot of effort isn't it just might be worth just watching her shuffle in but that's what I'd be doing. But now, I've got to try it.

I've got to try it. I'm very excited. You've got to repackage it. Do you know what I mean? Think of those shoes as the side of a bus. 350 million for the NHS. Sparkle shoes. Give her the message she wants, not the truth.

Thank you, Dominic. Now, it's also been a big week for another reason. She went back to nursery for the first day yesterday. How was that? So the drop-off was quite tough. Oh, I bet. But luckily, they would only accept one parent, and my wife did the actual drop-off.

Oh, so you're not worried about how your daughter was. You just didn't have to see it. Luckily, you were there. I'm an old hand at seeing parents with their kids flipping out there's always one in the foyer i don't even know whether they go to the nursery or they just have a freaking out child to make you feel better in the foyer but they just keep that what a job you take your kid down there to lose their shit just to make the other parents feel great it makes me feel much better i'm walking on air by the time i leave

oh do you see how sad that kid was thank god it weren't mine anyway uh so that wasn't good but she had a lovely lovely day um yeah but it was what was weird was coming back to an empty house for the first time in two months. Like my house, it felt so much bigger. Yeah. I made toast and then I sat down and I just watched a repeat of Frasier that was on Channel 4 that I must've seen five times already.

And it was just bliss. It's weird that the thing I've missed the most is doing pointless stuff. I do find there's too much pressure though on you to be like right I've got this day now what am I gonna do like I feel sometimes you can panic and put too much pressure on you to be like right I'm gonna do that do the washing empty that cupboard go down there drop that off at the post office do that and then you find yourself like with just stuff all over the floor and then it's like before you know it's three o'clock you've got to pick them up you've done nothing apart from just get stressed all day

totally trying to try to do stuff but I think you did the right thing it just it feels empty the house doesn't it without kids in it it's amazing how empty and sad it feels even though you're desperate for them to leave the house you feel do you know what the worst thing is so you kind of crave it when they're there yeah and then the moment they're at nursery you feel an overriding guilt that you've done this but they love it they do i know they absolutely love it. She, you know, hung out with Javi, who's her main carer, who's absolutely, you know, she loves and they had a great time.

Javi? The Barcelona midfielder? Yeah, the former Barcelona midfielder. He's doing a split shift with Iniesta, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, exactly. He teaches them about triangles with his passing. That's the way it works. Tiki-taka parenting, basically, isn't it?

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor past thing. That's the way it works. Tiki-taka parenting, basically, isn't it? Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

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Great. So, Rob, as you know, you've been giving me advice. You've been giving the nation advice. You are the nation's agony aunt. We have someone looking for some advice. Don't be scared to use a device. The timeout step can be your ally. scared to use a device the timeout step can be your ally don't be afraid to say no to your kids it's okay to apologize as a parent apologize never hit them but don't let them think you won't you're listening to WWRBD what would Rob Beckett do? This is from Alex Cumming. Right. I have a, I love it when people write 1.5 year old and a four year old. We, of course, along with many parents across the world,

are spending even more time with the kids, which is, on the most part, wonderful. I, however, have found a real issue with my four year old's antics. He's really into calling us the names of characters from movies or books, and I'm starting to lose track when it changes. So, for example, in the last month, I have been Tin Man, Mrs. Potato Head, Alex the Famous Unicorn, The Lighthouse, and many others. The Lighthouse is an absolute... I'd love to be called The Lighthouse. It's a great name. That's quite a cool nickname, isn isn't it it's quite a strong stable and bright within the darkness just like it's like it sounds like a crusader if i get my name wrong my kid's name wrong or anyone else's house wrong they will completely lose the plot an

additional problem has arisen this week with my new name silk silk's another good name, isn't it? Sounds like a stripper. Silk is a cat. And if I don't exclusively meow, he also has a four-year-old strop. Rob, what do I do? It sounds like... Have you ever watched Seize the Milan, The Dog Whisperer? Yes. Yes, I have. I feel like this kid's the pack leader.

Yeah. This is a classic prison bitch situation. They will take the piss, kids, because they think it's funny. And, you know, and you don't want to be horrible to them because they're your kids. But you can't just fool someone to meow because you're a kid. So would you refuse to be called Silk and refuse to meow? It depends how tired or hungover I was, Josh, or what kind of vibe I was in. Because I'm weird.

I can do that. And I'd role play and be a cat all day just for a laugh. I'd be searing on the floor, licking it out the bowl. If the kids are messing about laughing, but you'd be like George Galloway and big brother. Yeah, that's how you're really having it.

That is a tough one though, isn't it? Cause you want to play along, but they can't lose. They can't cry about it. Can they? I think that's the thing is the moment you let them get their way exactly like that,

then you've lost the battle. And I say that as someone who's lost that battle. What I've learned is you can say no to them and then they'll just scream and have the ump, but just ignore them. Well, I made a sandwich for mine the other day and she didn't want to eat it because it was too cold. At no point was it hot.

And then she went, I'm hungry. I went, eat the sandwich. She went, no. And then she was like, oh, I hate you and stormed off and screamed and screamed and screamed. And I went, look, if you're hungry, you eat the sandwich or you don't eat. Yeah, we've all done that.

And it does work. It does. You know, you've got to do that. Sometimes you fail. It's not going to starve if you. No. Yeah, exactly. But if you have got people over or there's an electrician in the house or something's

happening, you just go, all right, then here's another sandwich. But like, yeah, put it under the grill. Just make it hot. Fry it, whatever. But like, yeah, it all depends on your situation. But if you can, I think sometimes you've got to just make it hot fry it whatever but like yeah it all depends on your situation but if you can i think sometimes you've got to just ride it out my friend his wife his girlfriend was pregnant before they had their first kid and i was talking to her about someone's kid or something and he he said what you've got to do with parenting is you've just

got to set boundaries and stick to them and i was like yeah you haven't got a child it's so easy to say that theoretical parenting is the biggest load of bullshit i've ever heard in my life anything get it going on this is what i'll do with um coronavirus oh is it i'll test more do you think the government are going we can do more oh don't bother we only said 200 000 everything's easier just saying it like that yeah do you know what i do i bend that free kick into the corner from 30 yards that's what i do like i don't know why they don't take corners straight onto the head of the guy it's insane it's such a bad decision if it was me i'd just score top corner from kickoff every

time you're always one ahead. I like to get to the point some stuff that way. And this one, and actually, fuck off. Leave me alone. But you can't say that, Josh.

No, but I do feel like that is how every piece of advice you give should end. So if you want to get in touch with us, this is how you get in touch. Email us. Hello atparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. So this week, Josh,

our guest is the incredible Alison Hammond, star of this morning. She was in Big Brother as well. We didn't cover that. She's not in Big Brother. I'd have happily talked to her about Spencer and Kate Lawler.

And was it Johnny the Firefighter? Johnny the Firefighter. And was it Hot Alex, the model? Yes. Who got angry that Johnny had pissed in the shower? Oh, nostalgia, Bansir. I just realised what a waste of an interview that we're about to broadcast.

I can't believe we never brought it up. We should have asked her, do you piss in the shower? We don't ask that. I can assume no, but brought it up. We should have asked her, do you piss in the shower? We don't ask that, I can assume, no. But Alison's amazing. She's so lovely. Loving mum. Single mum to one teenage boy. So it's an interesting listen. Enjoy. Alison Hammond, welcome to the show. We finally got you on with me and Josh. Hello. The tech situation got a bit hairy. Well, we should tell the listeners that basically we've had

half an hour of tech troubles and about 28 minutes into that I'd given up hope that it was going ahead. So I've not got my game head on.

You was literally out there. I know, I was done. I was cooked, mate. I never, on that last attempt, I thought this will never work.

And then you plugged something in, Alison, and you went, yeah, that was perfect. I was like, what's happened in the last 48 minutes? I literally, I was like a technical genius. Well done. I went to input and output. I was all over it. Alison, could you give the listeners a quick rundown on your setup at the moment,

your kids and where you're living and what's happening? So'm living just outside of birmingham it's quite rural i've only just moved in january uh and i've moved to a house which is nearer to my son's school just to make things a little bit easier for him because we lived about eight miles from the school before so we were doing the school run and it was i had to take him to school every single day and it was like oh i can't take this anymore how long was how long was the drive i did it was i had to take him to school every single day and it was like oh i can't take this anymore how long was how long was the drive i did it for about four years but it's only seven miles but imagine that at rush hour it takes about an hour no way about an hour through rush hour honestly two hours of your day yeah it's it's well i never used to pick him up

he used to always get um the bus home but I used to always take him to school every single morning. But I did it for four years and I thought, that's enough now. And this is his final year and I've actually moved. I've got round to moving. You've moved and it's his final year. He's done that for four years and then he's moved. I know. What was the point?

I know. What was the actual point? But honestly, I can't tell you how much it was actually doing my head in. That commute every morning. Just imagine I had to get out of bed. It's terrible. I had to get ready, get dressed. You weren't allowed to drive into school anyway because of lockdown.

So it was pointless. You've done it for about four weeks. You spent five years at this school doing an hour of that. Thanks for that, Rob. Yeah. Yeah, I've gone into debt. I've got a bigger mortgage. Yeah, thanks for that, Rob. Thanks for making me feel so much better.

Thanks. And my workers, a lot of my workers gone. Got no money. Great, thanks. You're working from home, Alison. We've seen you. And actually, your son, he's about how old's Aidan? 15, is he?

14, 15? He's 15 now. And actually, your son, he's about how old's Aidan? 15? Is he 14, 15? He's 15 now. And he's homeschooling. 15? He's your cameraman. He's my cameraman. But I do have to pay him. He's been your cameraman.

I have to pay him, babes. It's not just like. Do you? Yeah, yeah. We negotiate, I think, five pounds, you know. I think for a 15-year-old. You know, five pounds a shot. For a child.

Yeah, get up out of bed he has to get dressed he has to get dressed to come and film with me obviously if we're filming in the garden he has to get ready he has to have shoes on have a shower because it's like work um but we negotiated 12 pounds 75 and that's what we're gonna go with every time he films for me it's 12 pounds 75 i'm actually filming tomorrow on the show and they want me to do a picnic and they were asking if Aidan wants to join me and I've just said no. I just knew he wouldn't want to.

He's happy behind the camera, not in front. Yeah, but this morning they've got a lot of money. Well, they're not giving it to me, babes. They're not giving it to me. Imagine if he was on a bigger fee than you. Does he get excited by the fact you're on TV, Alison? He really doesn't, James. Josh, he doesn't care.

I think he's proud because I've seen him. I did Rocky Horror Show last year and I was the narrator. And I saw him in the audience. And, you know, you can just tell someone's really proud of you. I see, like, glints of, oh, that's my mum mom i think he's really impressed with like how i do things he says i love your instagram mom you really might make people interested it's really you like make something out of nothing he likes the fact that i can make something out of nothing yeah but also from a teenage boy you don't get much out of them and never mind any sort of love or admiration at that

age do you so anything's a plus or something yeah and do you find that it's hard to get much out of them and never mind any sort of love or admiration at that age do you so anything's a plus yeah and do you find that it's hard to get stuff out of them to be honest with you he has his moments he's still like there's glints i still see him as like a little baby and i still see him like he does still want to be my best friend you know i mean like i i go cycling with him and he always says yes okay do you want to go for a bike ride? And some people would find that, I think some kids would find that really like, who wants to go around with their mum on a bike? But he loves it. He loves going around. They don't go very far because they get really tired.

We normally just go around the block and then I'm like, I'm tired now. I'm going back. But he always comes with me. He just enjoys my company. I'm thinking of getting an electric bike now because, honestly, I'm just knackered the whole time just going around the block. I want to go further. I want to go into the countryside.

So I'm thinking of getting one of those electric bikes, the hybrid or something like that. Or you could just move to the country, buy a house nearer there. That's what you normally do when you've got a long journey to deal with. Yeah, but what about his school, babes? He's got a year left at the school. You're saying, Ian? He's not going back, mate. Read the news.

How's homeschooling gone? Are you a good teacher? I'm a fantastic teacher. I'm amazing. He doesn't listen to me, but I am amazing. I think I'm a brilliant teacher. I think I'm a really good motivator. I can motivate. He just doesn't listen to me. So how does it work out? Take us through the school day so in the morning he does have a sleeping i'm not gonna lie but i've just had an email to say he's got a lesson at 11 25 so i would wake him up an hour before and i'd say go and get a shower yeah he'd tell me no he's not having a shower today i'll go okay and then um the computer goes on and i just listen to the teacher teaching my son.

And then afterwards she goes, go off and do this assignment. And I have to just make sure he does it. Once he's done it, he can go and do whatever he wants, which is normally a game console. What game? It's the one where he kills lots of people in the street and attacks people. It's obviously escapism. Do you miss it though? Do you miss him being little?

I do actually, yeah. Of course I do. I loved when he didn't answer back and he just sat there looking at me, doughy eyed. It was lovely. I miss everything about those times, feeding times.

I used to love doing food and mixing different things, broccoli with a bit of meat, put a bit of seasoning in. I'd be like, I wonder if he likes it, I wonder if he likes it. He used to love my food. And then he'd go to our places and he was like, I'm not feeling that. It's not seasoned.

I always seasoned my baby food. My baby food was on point. I should have sold that baby food. It was amazing. I should have. I should have sold it. What's your tip? What would you season? Salt, pepper? No, I put a bit of all food. It was amazing. I should have. I should have sold it. What's your tip? What would you season?

Salt, pepper? No, I put a bit of all-purpose seasoning in it. All-purpose seasoning. I used to have, like, mashed potato, sweet potato, a bit of chicken, broccoli, a little bit of all-purpose seasoning, and he used to absolutely love it. All-purpose?

But what other purpose is there than seasoning? It's all-purpose. What else are you doing with it? Bald spot on someone's head, all purpose. I've run out of toilet paper, don't worry. Here you go. All purpose. Use that.

Once this goes out, the rush on all purpose seasoning at Tesco is going to go absolutely mad. Anything just becomes amazing. A steak, bit of all purpose. Chicken, bit of all purpose. Mincemeat steak bit of all purpose chicken bit of all purpose mincemeat bit of all purpose it comes out as if you're a chef honestly i'm not even joking there's absolutely no reason why anyone should be cooking any bland food around here now did you know i'm a bit of a chef now guys well i know you've got an ingredient I'm aware of that yeah you've got you've got one ingredient um Alison can you help us as your boy's older now we're struggling to get our daughter's potty

trained how did it go for you do you know what I don't I don't know how I did it but I'll be honest with you he just started going to the toilet it was the weirdest thing ever he used to wake up in the middle of the night and just go to the toilet. For one day, he just literally went from wearing nappies, I put him into, you know, the pull-ups, so he could start feeling the wetness and stuff like that. He was like, I don't like this. Literally started going to the toilet.

I was like, oh my God, I am super mom. I am super mom. I don't mean to make you feel bad or anything like that. It just happened. I was like, oh my God. But have you ever seen an adult who doesn't mean to make you feel bad or anything like that. It just happened. I was like, oh my God. But have you ever seen an adult who doesn't go to the toilet? So the thing is, I don't think you should worry because eventually they will go to the toilet. I'm not worried, Alison. I'm not worried because I know that will happen, but I want to know how long I've got to pick up human shit for.

But don't you find it weird that your child's human shit is okay? All you've got to do, Rob, it's very simple. Just add a bit of all-purpose seasoning. It's totally fine. Honestly, but it's weird, isn't it? When it's your own child and you're picking up their poo. It doesn't matter, does it? It's like, but if it's someone else's,

I'd be like, I'm leaving it right there. Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to pick up a random one in the park. And you was on your own, really? It was a single parent family. Is that right, Alison? I was on my own, but I just went back home. How was that? It was all right, because I went back home to my mum's

and let her do it. I was like, mum mom i want to come home and she was like come babes your room is always there went home and there was some night she said shall i do shall i do tonight so you can have a little bit of rest and i literally should do the nights because he used to be up every like say two hours and you give him a little feed and then he'd go back to sleep it's like every two hours it it was like relentless. So I was really tired, but my mum was amazing. She like literally was there for me the whole time. I was really lucky actually,

because I was working through when he was really small as well. But you know, I do a day here, a day there. So I can remember two weeks after I gave birth to Aidan, I was doing an interview with Will Smith. I was there rapping with him, chilling, got on the train, went to London, did the interview and then went home. So I've got a lovely job in that sense where I just go and do what I've got to do and then I'm home by like 2 o'clock,

3 o'clock in the afternoon. Do you think you'll start to do more now he's older? Because it does feel like you did less because you were always wanting to get home, which I think is really admirable, you know, when you've got this opportunity, this big career on TV and you pick and chose in order to get home, which I think is really admirable, you know, when you've got this opportunity, this big career on TV, and you pick and chose in order to be home for yourself. It's so weird, Rob, because I'm still exactly the same.

I haven't got out of that mentality. I still want to get home to him. As soon as I've finished work, I'm like, I've got to go back home. I know I should hang out and do the socialising thing, but I just don't. I always just want to go up. I'll do, like, a couple of pictures, and then I go, I've got to go now, I've got to get back to don't. I always just want to go up. I'll do like a couple of pictures and then I go,

I've got to go now. I've got to get back to my son. And he's not bothered at all. He's like, mum, stay longer. Go to the party. If I said, I'm going to go to the party,

he'd be like, mum, go to that party. He doesn't want me here. He loves being on his own. He absolutely loves it. I said, what do you love about being on your own? What do you reckon he's up to?

Oh, he's on the Xbox, babes. Honestly, I listen to his conversation. It's so boring. It's so boring. It's all about Xbox. It's absolutely boring. I think I should start playing it with him,

like get an Xbox of my own and try and like get into his little games and start playing and like get really good at it. Oh, he doesn't want that, mate. You've got too confident on the bike if i go into his room and pretend to be interested he gets really excited to show me all the moves and everything maybe we could do a youtube channel where it's just me and him playing yeah that would make him feel cool at school i reckon um allison i wanted to ask um did you have any parenting fails like little things you did obviously you know when it's your first kid and things like that that you look back on and think

oh what was i thinking or i'm just so happy more than anything that he's alive more than anything else to be honest with you there's a couple of times I trapped his finger in the car door once. And I just felt like the worst mom in town. I took him to hospital. He was fine. And he was tiny as well. I took him out of the car, put him in the pram and shut the door. And his little finger was there.

And he was just like, you know, when they're crying, but nothing's coming out of their mouth. Cause they're that in shock. Oh, that's the worst crime. I was just like,

and then I was like screaming and I was like, I so so bad i thought i'd broken his finger but he was fine there's a moment where he's been on my bed and he's rolled off i thought he was still just lying there and he didn't he literally rolled off the bed we've all had that horrible feeling oh god and he landed like face down in shock he He didn't even cry. I was like, oh, my gosh. This episode is brought to you by Tresemme. Want silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution. This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish.

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i'm just so grateful that he's alive like the amount of times that um you make mistakes like that but he's so normal isn't it he's oh yeah isn't it guys yeah he is well that's what this podcast is about really yeah our daughter fell off the bed and i think i think every child's fallen off a bed and the thing with a daughter fell off the bed. And I think every child's fallen off a bed. But the thing with a child falling off a bed is they just disappear. I know. Do you know what I mean? Over the horizon like a ship. Oh.

They're just gone. I've lost him as well. I lost him in a clothes shop. And it was the most traumatic experience of my life. I was calling him. I was like, Aidan, Aidan, Aidan. And he was hiding in the middle of the clothes rack and he was loving it he actually was getting off on me shouting he was like laughing

he's finding it really funny i think he was about four he's about four years old and i was like beside myself i was like does anyone see my baby has anyone seen my baby aiden and the more i got wound up the more he was finding it funny. And I eventually, someone eventually found him in there and he was like laughing his head off. He found it hilarious. Oh, that fear is awful. Isn't it? Well, it happened once to us where the side gate was left open on our house

and I thought one of my kids was like in the house with me. And then I thought it was in the garden. I walked out and then I ran up and down the street and they were just in the other room hiding and I was like in the running I was running across gravel going ah ah oh it's not funny. Alison is there any like advice you'd give to people with kids like to me and Josh really and other people kids our age that it's that brutal time they're really young and it's non-stop like anything any advice you'd give to those sort of parents? Oh guys oh i just think you know what

don't take advice from anyone and just go with your instincts more than anything else i just i don't like to give advice because it makes out like i know what i'm talking about because i actually don't i just think go with your own instinct you spent the first five minutes giving us advice on how to cook so um should i discount that as well? No, I know about cooking, babes. I know about that. I've just ordered a kilo of all-purpose seasoning that I'm going to have to send back. There's no one who...

You just go with your gut. Every human is completely different. How can I give you advice? I can give you little tips like, I don't know, put pull-ups on. If you're potty training, put some pull-ups on them so that they start feeling the wetness around them maybe that's a good idea but i just think as a parent you just know it's your child it's those instincts sometimes you don't have those instincts but i just think go with the flow go with your gut i just went with the flow

of aidan do you know what i mean i think that's what you have to do you have to kind of just go with the flow of your child totally agree totally agree my son had a dummy as well he had a dummy until he was five years old and anyone who used to say to him you don't need that dummy I'd say yes he does and I'd give him the death stare oh I wouldn't I tell you what Alison you're a lovely person you've such a kind-hearted but I wouldn't want to be on your wrong side. Don't cross me. I think you can turn. I think you're one of them.

I'll tell you what, my new next door neighbour came round yesterday to tell me that he was fitting some lights down the side of the drive and he wanted to put these lights. And I've only just met him. He's a brand new tenant next door and he's just come in and he's just said to me I'm gonna put some lights down there and he's standing there this guy I've never met before right he's standing there with a chopper in his hand an axe in his hand I thought he was gonna kill me I said to him mate do you realise you're holding a chopper in your hand he went oh yeah I'm gonna be banging the lights in down the side. I said, I thought he was coming here to kill me.

He said, no, no, no, no, no, no. I said, maybe you should think about how you come to somebody's house next time. Take the chopper out of your hand, mate. Also, I know you're saying axe, but when you keep saying chopper, I think of his knob. I don't know. Chopper's a word for knob. No says chopper no no i can think of his knob out just smashing his bell end onto their nails chopper out oh allison it's been amazing um so obviously you've got a teenage boy slash

near man in your house all day with you. You've got to look after, make sure he's doing this and that, cooking and cleaning. What would you do if you had the day completely to yourself? No aider, no one, just you in the house. You could do whatever you wanted. What would you do? Oh, I'd rip out his Xbox out of his room and smash it up. And then when he comes home, right, when he comes home,

he'll go, like, oh, my Xbox is really smashed up. I'll go, oh, my God. How did that happen, babes? What's happened? I'll, like, just play dumb. I'll go, I don't know what's happened. This is crazy. No one's been in the house.

Maybe it was the next door neighbour with his chopper. Brilliant. Thanks, Alison. Thank you very much, Alison. Oh, thank you, guys. That was Alison Hammond. Rob, you're, I mean, we are both big fans

of Alison Hammond, but you're a particular. Oh, huge, huge. I think I'd say I'm one of her greatest fans. I think she's, she's funnier than most comedians

on the circuit, I'd say, but just doesn't, doesn't have a set. But she's so think she's she's funnier than most comedians on the circuit i'd say but just doesn't doesn't have a set but she's so she's so good and i did a pilot with her with her and melvin o'doom where we did pranks around the country we were trapped in this coach for two days and i've never laughed so much and i think she should have her own chat show i think she should do that but i think a lot of it is like she was saying she's had to not do stuff like that because she's a single parent and she doesn't want to be away from her son for too long but now he's like a teenager I think he's going to be quite in favor of that I don't know about if you've got that vibe yeah I mean it feels like she could be away happily at the moment he wouldn't

even notice I think that's that's such a kind of a decision I've never me and you don't have to kind of confront because you feel like well if i'm i'm working then that's a good thing for the family and you don't think but who's going to look after my child if i take this gig what's that katherine ryan um like as a single parent would always have to take her to gigs and festivals and stuff and that's so hard trying to get your head around what you're going to do and do your job and knowing that your thought is your side of stage at a festival at like eight or something and you just hope that like the compare looks after your kid so imagine struggling on stage now your daughter's

watching hoping they've ushered her away as you're crying on your ass your kid just looking at you soul sapping from their eyes oh no there she goes getting their respect again or even if you smash it then you just walk off and they go, I don't understand what happened there. You were just talking and they laughed. How does that work? One thing we need to bring up, Josh, I'd say, is the next time we interview somebody who's got a teenage child,

more so a son, we need to double check they're not playing Fortnite online and rinsing the internet. Because the connection sometimes, it's an absolute, oh oh it's paper thin yeah thank you johnson absolutely brilliant if people want to get in touch um do leave reviews we've cleared 3 000 now we're way beyond 3 000 which is pretty is that what we're in it for number of reviews i never thought that was a broma is it a broma That's the only reason I've got into comedy is for my iTunes reviews. That's the only thing I cared about

when I did my first gig. Let's not get into Sandy Toksvig putting out one episode a day of her fucking podcast as well. That's cheating for a start. Anyway. Join us on Tuesday where we'll be joined by the amazing

Daisy Cooper, the writer, star, creator of the amazing This Country. That's a banger, isn't it? She's having a nightmare. Great for me. Oh, it makes you feel better, that one. I felt great after that.

I'm a bit worried about her, but I'm on top of the world. You know, it was a good one. You have to send them links after. This helped me out. Feeling like an actual fucking G. See you next week bye