Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP13: Daisy May Cooper

Episode Date: June 8, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP13: Daisy May CooperJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the brilliant BAFTA winning writer and actress, Daisy May Cooper. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Behold the DQ Freezer! An extraordinary freezer holding all the Blizzard flavors of the past. It's opening to bring back Rolo and Brownie Batter. Grab them before the DQ Freezer closes. Only at DQ. Happy tastes good. Hello darlings, this is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests and of course they'll have to meet my standards and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you?

Vanderpump Villa premieres April April 1st, streaming on Disney+. Hello, I'm Josh Whittaker. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell, the show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better

about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Bob Bennett. And...

Godwin Dunn. They've had an absolute nightmare with my name there, Rob. It does trip up the youngsters, your name. It does. It is a problematic name. Apart from my daughter, who's happy to call me Josh at all turns. That is Emily Hall's daughter, Rose, who turned three last week. Oh, happy birthday. Lockdown birthdays are the worst, aren't they? Yeah. Absolute heartbreak for her. It's my wife's in two weeks. I've got nothing. I've got nothing. What can you do? If you count your children, you could have

two people in your garden or you could get rid of your children for the day and have four people in your garden. Well, that is doable now because today was a big day for me, Josh. Yeah. My two went to preschool, back to preschool. Oh, freedom. How was it? Do you know what? How was the drop off? The drop offoff they were fine didn't care run straight in didn't look back which lou gets a bit upset by but i'm quite proud of that that's the kind of kid i want yeah i don't want to snivel in little look back um yeah personally if your kid is a look back sniveller that's your problem not mine all right but i felt weird i felt weirdly sort of emotional because i'm a bit sad because yeah

you were in the front room you felt like we'd lost them because one of us had had them for the whole time that last three months there'd be no like play dates or dropping them off at nan and granddad's nothing so it was really really odd what did you do like it's quiet isn't it it's like it's eerily quiet and we well we didn't get too long it's only 10 till 2 that they're in for so it's not a massive chunk of time. But I sat down, watched a Richard Pryor documentary, had a coffee, then we gobbled down a Nando's. And now I'm doing this.

Amazing. You had a Nando's? Yeah, drove and got it as well at 5 past 12. Oh, what a treat. Like a dirty, desperate chicken bitch. That's what I was today. Oh, wow. They're going to smell that when they get home

and they're going to know what you've done, Rob. They know what I've done. They're going to know that you've partied away the time they're away. When it was lockdown, I was today. Oh, wow. They're going to smell that when they get home and they're going to know what you've done, Rob. They know what I've done. They're going to know that you've partied away the time they're away. When it was lockdown, I was like, when do you have a McDonald's again or a KFC or a Nando's? It won't be the same. It's only because we're used to having it, right? And I've eaten it.

It's not. All three of them are absolutely incredible and they are right to be as successful as they are. None of this bullshit about, you know what, I'll just do my own version. Your version's shit. If it was any good, you'd be as successful as they are. None of this bullshit about, you know what, I'll just do my own version. Your version's shit. If it was any good, you'd be worth billions like those three. So just wind your neck in and order it and shut up and enjoy it.

That's my view. What I like about you, Rob, is someone's got to support the big man. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, someone's got to stand up for capitalism. I'll tell you what I hate the most is, could I have a Coke and they always go at the hipster places, oh, we do our own Coca-Cola? Well, I'll tell you now I hate the most is, could I have a Coke? And they always go at like the hipster places. Oh, we do our own Coca-Cola? Well, I'll tell you now, it'll be shit.

It'll taste like medicine, put some sugar in it or just buy the proper stuff. Do you know the worst is when they make their own baked beans? Absolutely disgusting. Which is not a process that needs to ever be done outside of the Heinz factory forevermore. Certain things should be made by certain people. Beans should be Heinz, tomato ketchup should be Heinz,

and the zip, all zips, YKK. Yeah. I've never seen another zip brand. YKK have got the monopoly on zips. I've never considered the zip brand before. Check your zip, always the same. Everyone at home is currently checking their zips, so we should just fall silent for the next 15 seconds

while people are checking their zips. That's not the kind of thing I would have done when I was the pair of comedy clubs. Check your zips, guys. And everyone unzipping and going, ooh. So you felt a bit sad. How many days are they going back for? Three days. So Monday, Wednesday, Friday, they go in.

Yeah, it felt a bit sad. I'm over that now. But there was a little moment when me and Lou just looked at each other and was like, ooh. And it felt a bit like, a bit guilty, but not guilty. I think, I know, I can understand people's anxieties, but we haven't got anyone that's shielding or anyone that's at risk of coronavirus. So I just think for their mental health,

I think it's better for the girls. What were the other parents like? Did you have to do a special kind of drop-off because we had to like book a time and stuff? No, it was all at 10, but only one parent. So Lou went, I didn't go. And that were just, yeah, all lined up and all the kids were sort of behaving and lined up and went in and we just told them that it's slightly different now because there's some germs we need to make

sure everyone's clean so you know you've got to go in and wash your hands and stuff like that so yeah it was good very very I felt good it was like productive and moving in the right direction it's amazing you wait for three months for something and then you're kind of paralysed by it the moment it happens. Yeah. It's like, think how much you've dreamed of this day, Rob. It's like losing your virginity. You want it so bad, but when you get there,

it's empty and emotionless. And you end up having an Ando's afterwards. Yeah, you end up crying and having an Ando's. Do you want to hear from some of our listeners? Yes, please. It's the Lockdown Parenting Mailbag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. Okay, this is called Toothbrush Incident.

My story relates to our two-and-a-half-year-old daughter. She's recently moved from the cot to a toddler bed. So we're still at cot level. I don't really know what age we're meant to move on to the next level, when she can scale the wall. Yeah, basically, just keep them trapped as long as possible. Yeah, because I don't think she realises there's any other option at the moment, so why would I present her with it?

Oh, no, she's not aware of beds. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Don't let her get on Instagram. She sees them captain beds of slides for them lunatics. Her going on the Heels Instagram page and looking at all their bed options. Yeah. But our youngest is in a bed, but she still treats it like a cot.

When she wakes up in the morning, she still calls for us. Oh, really? And we go in, and then we go, yeah, you can get up. And then she gets out. So she still has this psychological cot barrier. Well, I tell you, Catriona, who has emailed us, would absolutely love that. So her two-and-a-half-year-old,

she recently moved from a cot to a toddler bed after she climbed out the cot, came downstairs and surprised us one afternoon when she was supposed to be napping. That would terrify the shit out of me. Yeah. I did that to my mum when I was 18 months old. She still talks about it as the worst thing that's ever happened to her in her life.

I would prefer a burglar in that situation oh my god right previously a good sleeper since moving to the bed she started to get up and come out of her room in the evening usually to yell mummy daddy I need a tapoo stroke water stroke cuddle on this particular evening we had assumed she was asleep. However, when my husband went upstairs after about an hour, after she'd gone to bed, he discovered our daughter sitting on the floor of our bathroom with a toothbrush in one hand

and a tube of hemorrhoid cream in the other. Oh, God. She proceeded to tell him that she'd been brushing her teeth with Daddy's toothpaste and Daddy's toothbrush. To make matters worse, the toothbrushing question was when we used to scrub the mould off the bathroom tiles. Oh my God. And to make things even worse, I noticed the water in the toilet was cloudy, so only it could assume she was dipping her toothbrush into that.

Oh, that's awful. Is that stomach gum territory? Needless to say, we removed all the products, medication from reach on the bright side. We don't expect her to develop bleeding gums anytime soon. She didn't suffer any ill effects, thank goodness. That's a fear, isn't it? Yeah. That few hours afterwards when you're panicked about,

have I fed them the wrong thing here? Yeah, when I thought mine drunk the pure alcohol and they hadn't, but I was like, well, we'll find out in a minute. That email, it's not much a waiting game, isn't it, just watching it? It'd be worse to put Colgate up your arse if you've got piles. So you'd prefer to brush your teeth with hemorrhoid cream? If I had the two, I'd rather brush my teeth with hemorrhoid cream than have mint up my arse.

I'd just go mint up my arse. I think it would be a nice tingling sensation. Too much, too much, mate. It's invasive. You can't have that inside you, Josh. That's madness coming from you as well. What do you mean coming from me? I'd play you as hemorrhoids on the teeth all day long.

I'm not going to lie to you. I think in the next month, if I do get bored once my daughter's in nursery, I'm going to experience, just going to look at the toothpaste and there'll be a moment when I think, should I just see what it feels like? A pea-sized amount. Let's just start with a little bit.

That's how it starts. Then before you know it, you're buying three tubes of toothpaste a day. You've got yourself a problem. Before you know it, you're doing a handstand and Rose is pouring Listerine down your arse. Do you want an admission to what would Rob Beckett do? Oh, yes, please. Don't be scared to use a device.

The timeout step can be your ally. Don't be afraid to say no to your kids. No to your kids. No to your kids say no to your kids. It's okay to apologize as a parent. Never hit them, but don't let them think you won't. You're listening to WWRBD. What would Rob Beckett do? Right, this is from Rachel Barnes. Good morning. I have a situation for Rob to give his unique wisdom to. I have two children, aged six and what I presume is 18M, which I presume is months, not height. Life is hard. My eldest was, it turns out, quite a good toddler

because my youngest has demonstrated what a strong-willed and independent toddler looks like, an actual nightmare. The particular situation I would like Rob to address in his What Would rob beckett do is with my 18 month year old foraging in the bin we have a bin with a slide up lid open brackets no foot pedal she can slide up that lid reach in and find whatever she wants to eat tried saying no many times explaining why you don't forage for food from the bin i need to add that she has three big meals plus snacks every day

and is on the 98th percentile of weight. So malnourishment is not an issue here. That is a big baby, 98. That's like Andre the Giant territory, that is it. I have thought about buying a pedal bin, but knowing my daughter, she would just learn how to use it. Any advice? Oh, wise Rob Beckett.

I mean, that is a tough one. I mean, I'd contemplate putting the bin in another room. Yeah? Just lock the bin away. Put it high up. Could you get like a lock for the bin? Like, well, you can't put a padlock in the bin. Well, you could just get a smaller bin in a cupboard and just do that.

What's the little clicky lock thing? Or what you could do is, which is a bit more extreme, one of you hide in the bin. Next time she does it, jump out and scream at her, Pavlovian. But I'm not okay in that. I think that's cruel. I'd hide the bin in the cupboard. I don't know.

I'm coming down on this side of jumping out of the bin, I think. Like Oscar the Grouch. Yeah. But the worst case scenario is she loves it and then requests that. Oh, God, before you know it, you've got... I mean, we've got so many emails from people who've got themselves into corners with stuff like this. This episode is brought to you by Secret.

Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc and baking soda. It's made with pH balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about

rhabelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah. He says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me.

Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. If you want to get in touch with the show, whether it's to tell us that your child has been eating pile cream or whether it's to ask Rob for advice or both, this is how you do it. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. We've got a cracking guest this week. It's the incredible Daisy May Cooper, BAFTA winner, star and creator of this country. Enjoy. Hello, Daisy Cooper. How are you? I'm suicidal. That's the only way to describe it.

Oh, Daisy! A two-year-old. I forgot that you have a kid and then you actually have to spend time with it because I've been... It's just terrible. But I've just been putting her in nursery and stuff and she's been spending time with the nannies and it's been great up until lockdown.

OK. So, Daisy, what's your setup at home? What's your kid's setup? So, it's me and my husband and our two-year-old daughter, who's just become a complete nightmare. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, my God.

During lockdown or? During lockdown. It's just got naughtier and naughtier and naughtier and naughtier. What kind of things? It's so weird. So she's decided to use the shed as like an outdoor privy. And she's been taking, that's why I was literally, you know what was so mental is i'm losing my mind so much that i was looking up to see you know if kids have been reincarnated from world war ii and that's why

she's any evidence to suggest she has well no the only evidence i have is she's ripping her nappy off uh she put she's bit she's done about three poos in the sheds and the latest one she was really proud of because uh for uh v day we had these kind of little cocktail sticks with little flags on them and uh that we had in cupcakes and she'd managed to find one of them in the garden and put it in her poo in the shed. And then called me over to come and witness it. And I just stared at it for about 30 seconds, just complete bafflement.

Are you doing potty training then? We tried. She was brilliant before lockdown she really enjoyed it but now she just doesn't give a fuck she doesn't give a fuck about anyone or anything it's just horrendous what did you do with the kind of flag poo did you did you say that it was good or did you what did it have a british flag in it like we've claimed it yes that's exactly what it was i just i i stood in silence for about 30 seconds because it was in respectful silence to our flag it's like something the far left would put on a poster about brexit isn't it so are you still working at the moment is your husband working from home what's that

my husband's a landscape gardener so he's sort of can go out now and do sort of jobs and stuff so i'm i've been left in at home with the devil child I do love her very much but it's just becoming she just doesn't understand why she can't go to the park or why she can't go see Nanny she's so sick of FaceTiming

relatives it's just and I'm just putting Bing on and it's just on a constant like a 24 hour repeat of Bing episodes. My daughter, who's two and a half, she's got no interest in FaceTime. So it just gets offensive to the relatives very quickly. It's so awkward. They go, do you want to speak to Nanny?

No. No. I want Paw Patrol. But Nanny's here. No, Paw Patrol. Your nan? No. Which one? And then they go, which one? And. No, Paw Patrol. Your nan, no. Which one?

And then they go, which one? And you go, oh, Danny Sue. Nah. What? That's it, that matters. Don't do that. Don't ask which one and say no. That's it, it matters.

It's so true. And are you pregnant with your second as well, Daisy? I'm pregnant with my second as well. So, I mean, I haven't even thought about the second one. So how pregnant are you at the moment? I'm over, just over halfway. So, oh my God, I just want to drink. I want to drink so much. I can't. I was Googling how many, I mean, could I have three drinks if being pregnant? I thought, oh no, I can't. I really can't. Your Google history is unbelievable at the moment, isn't it?

Can a child be reincarnated from World War II? And can I drink when I'm pregnant? Oh, my God. It's just horrendous. Do you know, it's just the small things that tip me, that have just tipped me over the edge. The other day, we put up this paddling pool and it was quite a big one and I thought oh lovely I'll get her in it and I'll get

me in it and it took because it was big it took fucking ages to fill and then the tap stopped working outside so I was just having to get the mop bucket and transfer water so like two hours later I bring the final mop bucket out and she's only just gone and found a fucking plant pot full of soil and just tipped it into the paddling pool. And that was another moment where I just, I just felt tears streaming from my cheeks. Oh, thank God. Wet, hot tears. I thought, how could you, how could you do could you how could you do this how could you do this and how do you react to her in those situations because obviously it's difficult my first thing

is my first thing i ever say is who did this and then there's usually a massive silence and then she just says me and I say why did you do this and then she has another massive silence and just says I don't know and then that's that's just that's the end of the conversation my two-year-old goes accident accident all the time accident that's it it's like a two-year-old no comment accident it's the worst age i think to have a kid in this time do you do you does she are you getting up early with her or does she sleep uh no she wakes up at about four o'clock shouting mommy i've actually recorded I've got it recorded on my phone I'll see if you can hear it Because it is just haunting Absolutely harrowing

This is her shouting Mummy, mummy in daddy's bed It's just It's just torture There's just no escape from it. And do you have to go straight in then? That's it? You're up? Yeah, then I'm up.

And then, because she just won't... I don't know, she's like a Duracell bunny. I don't know how she can keep screaming for, like, two hours. You just can't ignore it. So what, does she get up at four o'clock every day? Yeah, and then she'll come on the bed and then she'll i'll put some tv on for her and i'll try and get to sleep and then she decides to bounce on the bed and just uses my cranium it's like a trampoline camping on my head what

time does she go to bed at night what's the bedtime seven o'clock which i thought right we'll do the bath we'll do the bath, we'll do the bed. And then this is the thing of, I don't know if you guys have this, one book is not enough to read at night. It has to be again and again and again. And that is killing me. And what book are you reading? We're going on a bear hunt.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I've been known in the past With books I hate When I've got in the bedroom before they have I've thrown it out the window So they can't pick it That's boom gone Because I can't bear to read it

The absolute worst ones Are the Mr Men books It's like a fucking novel They're so For books so thin, they go on and on and on. Because in my mind, they're tiny books.

They're the smallest of all the books. But they bloody cram those words in, I tell you. Bloody hell. I read this morning, with my daughter obviously, for the first time. I didn't even know he had it. I read Peter Rabbit. What a load of shit that is. So the first page is about Peter Rabbit's dad

being baked in the pie by Mr McGregor. Page one. Do us two. Oh, God. The ones now are so much easier to read, but, like, there's so much death and destruction. And all the old nursery rhymes. We've got a book of nursery rhymes they're absolutely fucking brutal I'm getting baked in a pile left right and center like it's just oh god how are you guys getting on with like what

are you guys working still from home well if you count this um I'd say I'm doing a bit yeah I am doing a bit we parent in the morning as a team and then when she goes down for a nap I go and start work and try and work into the afternoon oh my goodness that's amazing so what's what's your setup Daisy we've worked I just haven't done any work I just I think find it absolutely impossible yeah but it's great because I've actually told my husband that this podcast goes on for three hours. So he's going to take her out for the day. So that's brilliant. He's going to listen to it and go, they edited it brutally. You cut so much out.

How bad were you on it? Have you guys been buying crap on Amazon and stuff for the kids? Oh, yeah, yeah. Just anything to keep them entertained. But it lasts about two minutes, each thing. We made the mistake of getting, have you heard of jelly bath? No. What's jelly bath?

Jelly bath is this powder that you can put in the bath, and it makes the bath water turn into actual jelly. But we made the mistake of we we misplaced the box and it came or threw it away and it actually comes with another packet which has dissolver in it to then having to scoop it out and just flush it down the toilet like a small bowl that's oh with your daughter putting a flag in it oh what a nightmare i definitely don't think flushing it was the right idea daisy i don't know call you out i'm not i've come from thames water

here but that is gonna block imagine when they come around to fix it it's really weird there's loads of jelly down there so what does it change the whole bath water into like a huge jelly yes it's it's amazing it's amazing if you've got the dissolver for it but yeah it's incredible like it literally turns into jelly the water turns into jelly within about 30 seconds yeah i'm gonna buy some of that did you what other things does she play with um she's obsessed with doctors um for the tv show she loves the sort of, you know, accessible quick acting. So she's obsessed with doctors. Obsessed with doctors, which is great for me because I can just lie on the sofa

and just get sort of experimented on and that vivisection on. So otherwise it's just creating mess. It's everything that she can't do, she wants to do. So, like, get all my shampoos, my nice expensive shampoos, unscrew the bottles and just pull them down the sink is the new one. Writing on the walls, that's another one. We haven't had writing on the walls.

That's a big thing, isn't it, in parenting? You've never had writing on the walls? We haven't had that yet, no. She doesn't really like to do her own art so you go do you want to do some drawing and then she'll make me do the drawing while she watches which she's already got a kind of lack of confidence in her own artistic ability at the age of two and a half she bottled it already i'm worried about it what was your daughter writing on the walls was it her name or just just scribbles just scribbles and it's just we've had to get so many bits of furniture and move them in front of the scribbles that there now is no more kind of furniture to move in front of the

scribbles all your furniture's up against the walls with a big gap in the front of the scribbles. All your furniture's up against the walls with a big gap in the middle of the room. But the biggest thing that she's into is Bing. Oh, really? I find them grotesque. Could you just explain, is the little thing, the sort of guardian, is that his dad? Bing's dad?

It's a weird little advisor, isn't it? Yeah. It's like Bing's Boris. He's got little Cummings. Or even the other way around. Cummings is big. But, yeah, I don't understand what it is or what he is, and he just sort of does whatever he wants and gets in trouble,

and then he cries. It's just ridiculous. Oh, he's awful. Awful. Hate him. Hate that programme. But program but yeah she loves that how did she get into it if you hate it did she did she find it herself or do you not realize how bad it was until you'd until it was too late i tell you what we've got so we just put youtube

on and obviously it just once one thing's ended it just flicks over to another video. I also think, you know when it rolls on itself, that takes some of the guilt away from me? Yeah. You know when you have to physically do it? You're making a conscious decision to put on the next episode. When it rolls on to yourself, you can kind of lie to yourself that it's just a continuation of what she's already watched. You've only pressed the button once, three hours ago.

Does your daughter have an iPad or anything like that, Daisy? No, we don't have iPads. We just have, you know, just YouTube on the telly. Just have that on all the fucking time. Because ours used to wake up at four as well. And then it was like 5.30. But now we've got them to about six. But there's this thing called this little grow clock thing um you have to say that carefully um it's grow clock thing where it's

like you read a little book to them and you press a button and the clock goes blue and then when it goes yellow they're allowed to wake up so that when they get up you go no it's still blue you've got to wait for it to go yellow and then you could basically set it for 10 past four and then 20 past four and then slowly bring them up and then if they get up at the right time they get like a little we get like give a little presents from and stuff but that both of mine would get up at four ish five ish and that really helped get them back into a later routine that is genius genius how far do you reckon you can say it rob do you reckon you could like i said it's 2 15 p.m but yeah but getting them from 4 a.m to like 5 30 makes a huge difference doesn't it I mean so that that helped us but I'll send

you the link for it is it oh please do I mean but the only thing is that she's always I mean she doesn't have an iPad but she is always on my phone wanting to play sort of apps and stuff and I didn't realize that there was no I mean there's no lock on on whether you can just order things so she's bought I mean fuck knows how many diamonds on this game oh no but she also had my phone and I don't know how she managed to do this but um ages ago I worked on a job with Paul Whitehouse and at the end of the job, we swapped numbers. And she messaged him a template message that just said, hello, question mark. So it looked like I was being really passive aggressive.

He messaged back saying, hey, everything OK, question mark. Oh, no. See yourself buying a home one day? Do future you a favor? Open a Questrade first home savings account and help that future come faster. The FHSA is a tax-free account where all your investment gains are yours to keep and put towards your first home.

With Questrade, you can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at questrade.com. Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah.

Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. My friend texted me earlier and she said that she walked in and her son had turned on the TV and he'd bought on Amazon Crazy Rich Asians. For £7.99. She's got the receipt. I do recommend getting them an iPad

and just setting up all the parent lock stuff on it so they can't do that. And we have been known, when they used to get up at four in the morning, just give them an iPad. Because even if you let them watch Netflix or whatever for an hour, because that extra hour will make you a better parent for the rest of the day. And even though I don't really agree with letting them have that straight away, I couldn't cope without that extra hour in bed. I bought that, is it the Amazon Fire one that's meant to be, they were like, this one's for kids, right? This is like the tablet for kids.

And we had a load of In the Night Garden. And if you touch the screen, so obviously she's going to touch the screen because that's what you do. During In the Night Garden, it brings up like the cast list. And you're like, what, a fucking two-year-old? You do shit about the cast list oh i just want to know who did the lighting for that scene

beautiful oh daisy if you had the house to yourself your husband took out your daughter all day like you know the full 6 a.m to midnight or whatever, what would you do of a full day to yourself in your house? Masturbate. Next. For a full 16 hours. Yes. In peace and quiet. Oh God.

I would, I would just, I would watch, I just, I love anything sort of ghost programs. So I'll probably just, just watch some ghost programs and just chill out. What do you mean by ghost programs so I'll probably just watch some ghost programs and just chill out

what are those programs like yeah there's one called Ghost Adventures with Zach Bagans and they just go into like haunted places and record ghost phenomena that happens like oh god I can handle that

Poltergeist throws a brick at a wall and and the one i watched a couple of nights ago but yeah they're really good so you just watch that all day i just watched that all day watch ghosts and wank fair enough you get that answer most of the time don't we watch ghosts and wank that's usually what people say it's actually if you've got anything else you want to add that's a bit different You get that answer most of the time, don't we, watch Ghosts and Wank? That's usually what people say. If you've got anything else you want to add that's a bit different to the usual, it's probably quite handy for the edit. Do you think, does she understand the lockdown? Does she understand what's going on?

No, she's just, I mean, you just can't really explain it she doesn't understand like i said why we can't go to the park or why we can't see nanny she's just thinking guys mum and dad are at home a lot and we're going for a lot more walks than we used to and that's it really yeah it's weird it's just so weird and we've got into the same pattern every fucking day, which is wake up, put her in front of the TV, do a bit of laundry, tidy up a bit, have lunch,

put her down for a nap, go for the same fucking walk that we've done for the last two months. Talk about, get excited about what we're going to have for dinner, eat the dinner, say, oh, let's watch something when she goes to bed. Put her to bed and fall asleep. Like, don't even get fucking around to watch anything.

It's just so neat. I'm so bored of my walk. The walk I go on, I'm so sick of it. Oh, my God. But my daughter, she's just locked into this route now. But my daughter, she's just locked into this route now. Each day when we go on the walk, she has to stand, we'll take a snack and she has to stand on the same manhole cover every day to eat the snack in the park.

And she'll just stand on the manhole cover and eat it. It's so bleak, isn't it? Yeah, I just don't, you're like, is this normal behaviour? I presume it's fine. But like. Has she got bored of the walk yet? No, she's obsessed with it. Like she's a creature of habit in that sense.

Do you know what I mean? Oh really? So we'll get to the park and you get to the park and there's a small side and a big side. And she's not wanted to go in the big side once for the whole of the lockdown so it's every time it's like small side in you go eat your snack on the manhole cover look at the pink tree go down look at the ducks pick some things off the same tree walk back it's um it's actually quite worrying can i tell you what i'm actually witnessing at the moment from my window my daughter walking through my garden ripping the heads off all the flowers.

But we're doing this. I don't know whether to intervene or leave it. She's gone in now. But that's three flowers de-headed there for no reason whatsoever. What's depressing is when you sort of make a big thing about saying, right, we'll go and feed the ducks. And you go down to the river and every other fucker and their kid is for a feeding the ducks and the ducks are so sick of being fed that's just these large chunks of bread that have washed up on the riverbank

it looks like some kind of war scene it's just so bleak it is so bleak like with our walks like we it's just like the most mundane boring things that we're trying to make exciting so there's this one house that's got a really fat cat that sits outside and they're trying to get her it's like oh we'll go see the cat today and then they just sort of stand looking at it and and that's it do you get what i mean it's like those small yeah i think it's tough as well when you've got one child they haven't got anyone to play with like i'm quite lucky because there's two of them they will run off and play together they may argue or whatever but when there's just one they just sort of look at you and go right you're my mate today yeah there's no they've got no one else to go off and play with which

must make it more difficult does she know that you difficult. Does she know that there's going to be a younger sibling? Yeah, she's not really happy about it. Oh. I'll tell you what it was. It was a bloody Bing episode that's put her off of it because it was this baby rabbit. You know the one that's always in the pusher, it's just never ages.

The Dorian Gray one. And he ends up taking Bing's shoes. So she's got a real chip on her shoulder about babies in general. And it's because of that fucking programme. So I keep saying, oh, the baby's going to bring you presents. And she's just, no, she's not interested. Which isn't true. But that's quite a good tip, though.

When you bring the baby back from the hospital, you get a present wrapped up. And they go, look what I've brought back. This baby's brought you a present. So their initial memory is, I got something when this baby turned up. It's buy them off. The tip is buy them off.

That's the tip, basically. Yeah. I'm bribing my kids nonstop just to shit in a potty. She's like, oh, no no hang on stop it no stop stop pulling them off oh god don't you just still doing it she's still doing it sorry she had literally had a bucket full of them and she's now just stood there looking at me. She's doing it again. No!

Oh, my God. So, can you tell her she keeps ripping the flowers? Is that the older one or the younger one, Rob? That was that something from, like, you know, like the Damien Devil Child, where I said, stop ripping the flowers, and she just stared at me and then moved around to the flower and just crushed one. She crushed the head of a massive peony in her hand, staring at me.

While holding your gaze. Yes, stared me out and just put her hand out and crushed it. Unbelievable. Sorry about that. What is it with kids and having to do that final kind of fuck you when you tell them to stop doing it? It's like they have to do it that one last time. Do you guys do naughty step?

No. Time out. We call it time out. But loser teachers are very good at all these right wording and things like that. Well, I call it the naughty step. And she calls it the time going on time out. Does your child actually sit in timeout, though, or just says, this is ridiculous, this is a jail with invisible walls,

I don't have to stay here? Sometimes they do and then scream at the top of their voice or sometimes they've in the past put me on the timeout step. How does it go for you, Daisy? Oh, just not, I mean mean she just she i don't think she quite understands why i'm putting her on the stair because she just gets straight up again and just walks into living rooms to say what are you doing what is a weird thing to sit in that step for a bit it's just so there's just there's nothing that i can

do she's she has a zero respect for me absolutely no respect is she not aware of baftas show the front of the radio times and go this is a big deal mate well she couldn't give a fuck really really couldn't give a fuck about me about my discipline I've got to the point where I've been so stressed that I've shouted to the top of my lungs and she's just stood there and she smirked and that's it and she's walked away like not bothered yeah at all she thinks it's funny and I've actually bought that Joe Frost you know the super nanny book oh yeah and I've tried to imply a lot of those things like one of them said you've got to if your your child is doing being naughty you have to get down to their level and explain to them and she doesn't give a fuck.

She says, none of it matters. It turns out that you being taller than her isn't the issue. That wasn't the problem. What happens when they're teenagers and they're massive and you have to, like, I'm only little, what if they're taller than me? I have to get a little step out to get up to their level to tell them off. Or do they stoop down to me? I'm not listening to you, you little old

weed. I'm 17. Oh, Rick. Daisy, we've been in lockdown for two months now. Have you had a high point that's been a lovely moment for you and your family and has there also been a low point when you thought, I can't do this anymore?

Oh, God. High point was probably the day of lockdown because I thought, oh, this is a novelty. This is brilliant. We can, you know, I don't have to do any work. This is a bit exciting. It's a bit kind of apocalyptic. Let's do a veg patch.

And I think the lowest point was probably when she ripped out all four of our courgette plants and just put them neatly at the side of the veg patch and they so they're fucked and that was something i really was every day i would get up and have a look to see how much they've grown i was was getting excited about it. And she took that away. It was like Kez, but it was called Shackles. Oh, Daisy, thanks so much for doing this. Oh, thank you so much. You've given me a really good therapy session there.

I feel so much lighter. Thank you, Daisy. It's been an absolute pleasure. Daisy Cooper, thoroughly enjoyed that. Oh, it was great. Bless her, though. I could feel the pain and tiredness in her voice with those 4am starts and being pregnant.

That must be so tough. I think the biggest difference in time is 5.59 to 6am in my book. Anything with a four at the start of it, that is inhumane, really, isn't it? I would argue, though, for Daisy, it would be the 39 to 4am she's like thatcher okay five hours sleep british flag and a load of shit do you know what it's not even for me when i've done those ones where you're up at like half four because it always you know even if you've got a kid that sleeps all right we've all done the 4ams at some point.

It's not the moment when you... The first 10 minutes is hell. But then I think the first hour and a half you're kind of all right is when you get to 6 a.m. and you feel like you've done a long haul already. That's the absolute... When the breakfast show starts on the radio and you've been up for three hours, that is the heartbreak. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Oh, God, just log it on. Hiya, it's Greg James here. What? Yeah. Rob, how can our listeners help us out, get in touch, et cetera? Well, you can tell your friends and you can subscribe and you can rate give us a five star review get us up the rankings um also as well they can email us um hello at lockdown parenting.co.uk and if they record their children saying our names rob beckett

josh widdicombe they'll be at the start of the show but just tell us why they deserve to be there we'll give your child a shout out to To be honest, I've seen the emails. They're all things that make me feel bad about the achievements of my own daughter, but there we go. Yeah, I know, but then I can judge these annoying parents. Oh, she did her first Pavlova at three and a half. She's achieving too much early on.

I've still not done a Pavlova on 34. Face out the achievements. You don't want to peak. You don't want to have Michael Owen on your hands. That's the last thing you need. You do not want to peak. You don't want to have Michael Owen on your hands. That's the last thing you need. You do not want to soft peaks too early. See what I did there? Have Lover pump.

Oh, yes. Yeah, really nice. Oh, come on, Josh. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it, mate. Oh, not enough. Not enough. No.

And you know what? Now, as it goes on, I am appreciating it more, but the damage is done. So, thank you for listening. We will be back in a few days with more. Thanks, guys. Cheers, guys.