Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP16: Correspondence Special 

Episode Date: June 19, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP16: Correspondence Special We get so much amazing correspondence from listeners, and not enough time to get through it all, so we've decided to release the first of a regular series of 'correspondence specials' where we hear more of your (and our) tales and adventures in parenting.*WARNING* Features even more 'salty Josh' If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparentEnjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx   A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Grab them before the DQ freezer closes. Only at DQ. Happy tastes good. Hello, I'm Josh Whittacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown. Which, I would say, can be a little tricky.

So in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation and to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills, each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting How with... Josh Wooderton. And Rob Beckett.

And Rob Beckett. Quite a good one, I thought. Excellent. I actually think the daughter actually did it better than the mum. At points there. Well, it says Leila's 60 and her mum is 94. There is a shift. There is a shift where you'll be in charge of your parents at some stage.

Always happen. That is Leila Bradford, and she is three, and she has learned to enjoy, what an achievement, the odd beef sandwich instead of a daily cheese sandwich during lockdown. And she now likes her one-year-old brother. Oh, what great progress. Worrying that the beef sandwich was ahead of the sibling. Yeah, as if that's the thing that's really been ruining their lives,

is her inability to eat a beef sandwich. Kids will refuse to eat stuff just to be annoying. My kids do it all the time. They fundamentally refuse to eat certain things. And then when they're at someone else's houses or my mum's there, they'll show off by loving it. I tell you this rob every when we pick her up from nursery and you're like oh what did she eat today and they'll be like

oh she ate a kind of um like a goat's cheese salad with like a um like a parmigiana and you're like are you fucking kidding me we can't get her to eat pasta and pesto and then she's out and she's like jay rayner doing a guardian restaurant review and she's at what kind of fucking preschool does goats cheese salad they are based in east london rob metropolitan media elite they are very much the problem of gentrification talk to me about this let me get the menu up let me get the menu up hang on don't you do a packed lunch? Or do you always cook for them?

They cook for them. Your kid's eating better food than me. I always thought you took your own lunch until you went to proper school. No, this is the best thing about it. So they have breakfast, lunch, and dinner there. Oh, you might as well let them fucking adopt them, Josh. What the fuck's going on in your house? I'm going to open an email called Summer Menu.

Summer Menu. Here we go. Talk to me. So obviously it's different each day, Rob. Yeah. So just choose. And obviously it varies week on week. There's two separate menus to keep them alive and kind of enjoy.

Because you know what kids like. They'd hate eating the same thing, didn't they? They don't want to go, oh, not another Wednesday lunch tagine. So give me a day and give me a meal and i'll tell you what they're having um can i a wednesday breakfast banana porridge with home meal toast fine perfect fine um okay friday lunch coconut fish curry and brown rice with steamed carrots no way carrots or parrots what's she eating have you ever seen these carrots? They feed them. A fish, a coconut fish curry.

Will she eat it? Yeah. Talk us through the day. So fish curry for lunch. What's breakfast? I'll take you to breakfast. It can't be worse than fish curry. So breakfast, it was mashed avocado with roasted cherry tomatoes on a toasted bagel.

There's no need to roast those tomatoes. Who's roasting tomatoes for breakfast? Honestly, mate, when I turn up, the smell there, I'm like, this is just unbelievable. Can I go there for one day a week? I'd love it. And dinner? What's dinner on the Friday?

Beanburgers, homemade hummus and sweet potato wedges. Oh, my life. Followed by stewed strawberries with mint and natural yoghurt. I've never heard anything like this, Josh. This is unbelievable. It's like eating. Honestly, it's the same price as everywhere else. But I do have to.

What are they cutting back on? What, they've got to wipe their own arse at eight months? I'm jealous. I'm not having a go. I'm just jealous. Do you want a Wednesday dinner? Yeah. This sounds lovely.

Halloumi mozzarella and courgette frittata with lemony natural yogurt and poppy seeds. Oh, wow. I mean, that's... The thing is, though, this is what I've been thinking. Kids will eat better and more adventurous stuff if they're with other kids when it's offered to them. Yeah, totally.

I think it's a great thing to do because when they're like... We went round to Friends the other day for a social distance gathering. I love that you have to say that now, even though sometimes it's not. Sometimes you try, but then a nan turns up and just brushes past you. They're like, what are you doing, you lunatic? You're at risk. Get away. I've purposely moved my chair.

Anyway, and then just eating this like chicken, this roasted chicken with all like thyme and pepper and salt and all this stuff and they would never have it at home but they wouldn't go near it so so at home the simple equation is the more time we put into the dinner the more likely it is to be refused it's that simple it's cutting um anyway that isn't the reason we got into this no so here's a question a question, Rob. Yes. You said before on Tuesday about are you showing your children a film that was the wrong age bracket? Yeah, it was awful. I mean, they love Muppet Babies.

Have you ever seen Muppet Babies? Basically, what you realise is it's like kids' TV is like crack and CBeebies is like the marijuana entry drug. Yeah. They'll be on CBeebies, but then all of a sudden they'll turn it over and realise that there's like Nickelodeon and Disney and all that and all the horrendous stuff, all, like, the Barbie summer adventures and things like that.

Anyway, but they love Muppet Babies, and they wanted to see a different film. I'm bored of this, bored of that. Well, let's put the Muppets film on from, like, the 90s. And it said six plus, but it said, caution, scenes of tobacco smoking oh yeah and i was like oh you know and i would argue that they haven't started smoking have they rob that'd be an awful time for you to reveal they're already on roll-ups you know that's what they're like but it's awful i didn't really take much notice of the six plus because the warning was to tobacco so i just assumed it's got to be six plus and a warning because some of the characters like because the warning was to tobacco so i just assumed it's got to be six plus

and a warning because some of the characters like maybe smoking in it so anyway i turned it on i don't remember i sent you the whatsapp the whatsapp messages there's a scene where kermit all i could do is screaming and crying and all i and i run into the the front room where they're watching this film kermit is strapped to an electric chair and he's about to be murdered, essentially. What's the plot? Are you trying to suggest that he deserves this? I'm not saying that.

Has there been a fair trial? I don't know what's gone on, right? Anyway, just stood there and the bloke doing it looks so evil and they go, no, no. But then they were like, turn it off, turn it off. And I was like, well, I can't turn it off. Because obviously he's not going to get killed.

So then I had to fast forward it. And then Miss Piggy come in and saved the day. But oh, my God. Oh, my God. So what were they like? How did they react to this? Did they recover quickly? Yeah, sort of, until they went to bed and both woke up with nightmares,

screaming Kermit. Oh, God. Oh, mate. Anyway, so it was a horrendous moment. I felt so guilty. My wife had to come in and save the day. But, you know, as ever, I'm committed to the podcast and reported it from the front line. And I sent you a WhatsApp message. So here, you can listen to my breakdown as I explain what happened. Girls, do you like the film? No. Is Kermit okay?

No. Okay. Are you enjoying it? No. Okay, should we turn it off? No. Okay. I don't like it.

We've turned it off. At one point, there was loads of men with guns just shooting at pictures of Kermit. That's not six plus. I mean, you know, hold me hands up. I've got a four-year-old and a two-year-old, but, oh, my, yeah, basically, I think there's... The ratings, you've got to take into account

when it was filmed and when it was made. Yeah, that was a howler. But do you know the thing about it is, Rob? Six plus doesn't sound bad. So I don't... Do you know what I mean? It's not like you've put on, like, critters or something. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's just because it said tobacco, I thought that was all it was.

Yeah. There should be a thing there for, like, execution. Scene of an execution. It should be an 18 if that's the kind of scene they're throwing in. It's awful, mate. Even I was watching it going, calm down, kids. And part of me is going, you know, I won't come. It's all right.

It looks in a right state. I've had a bad incident this week. So you know how you've had problems with poo and wee on the floor? Yes. We've had that problem, but it's an indirect result of the child now. Okay. So she's been involved yes no she's been luring in the neighborhood cats right by taking the food out into the garden and feeding

them okay so i reckon there's five to seven cats that aren't related to the two cats in our house that now basically live in our garden operation in the garden she's taking the food outside right yeah yeah she takes it out like one bit by one and that's the game and you're like oh that's quite sweet but actually the the reality is now that the garden is covered with territorial cat piss and then because it's summer we turned around earlier on and there was a cat pissing on our sitting room floor that wasn't our cat wasn't our cat why would it come in to piss well i think it's like is it getting more territory i don't know what's going on what do you do how'd you get rid of cats well i don't know i mean stop feeding them with help yeah stop feeding them with it

but i wonder whether that that kind of horse has bolted, that cat has bolted in that sense. Like there's nothing we can do about it. But now we've got a cat coming into our house. It's summer. Yeah. So it's boiling. So we've got the door open to the garden,

which is basically a kind of cattery. Do you think it's just because we're all at home more, they're getting more confident around people and the door's always open, do you know what I mean? They're super confident, mate. They couldn't give a shit. A pigeon got caught in my back room the other day, and it flew into, because you've got big, like, bifold windows, it flew into the window,

and you could see the outline of its head and wings. Like a kind of cartoon mark. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's awful, but they keep going in. It's basically like getting bits of crumbs off the floor and biscuits and stuff like that the kids have had. And it's just, it keeps doing it. And because my office is at the end of the garden,

so I can see it happening. And what happens is I run down to shoo him off, but I'm actually shooing it in the house. Oh, right. So you're shooing it in. But then I can't jump the fence and go around the block to get to the front of my house in order to shoo it out. Well, this is the problem.

No one warned me when I had a child that it would also lead to, like, an attachment of animals coming in because of the mess and the food. Ants now, where they'll have a little smoothie carton right on the floor. Ants will just find that and it's just ants in the house. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... Come on, kids.

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The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Right. Shall we have some correspondence, Rob? Yes, please, Josh. It's the lockdown parody mailbag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. Okay.

Well, this is a new feature based on Shappie Corsandi's disaster, which she referred to as her milk tray moment. So if you've had a moment where you've completely lost it, tell us about it in our milk tray moments. And all because the lady loves milk tray. I got nothing! Should we get some sort of payment for this sponsorship? Well, I don't think anyone's made Milk Tray for the last 20 years,

so I don't think anyone can actually access any because it's a snack from the 80s. It's basically like raisin splits or something. They're still going. I've had loads of people having a go at me on Instagram for slacking off Milk Tray. Someone's like, oh, I got it for my birthday last year, actually. It's really nice. I was like, all right.

Oh, come on. Who are you, eating a flake in the bath? What's going on with you? Oh, sorry. I don't want a sex pest stalker to deliver milk tray about me, knowing you're weirdo. So Holly Law, one of my children ate the last Cornetto from the freezer.

The other one was crying. And for a while, I've been wanting to try this new ice cream delivery service. So I thought, no problem. I will order us all a special ice cream as a treat. That will solve the upset. The ice creams came, and I had forgotten to order myself

one. Later that day, my mum dropped round a Magnum ice cream through the window for me, because she felt sorry for me after what had happened. I unwrapped it, put it in my mouth, and my youngest started crying again, because apparently it's not fair that his

brother had two ice creams in total and he only had one. So, in what Shappi described as a thunderstorm outburst, I shouted, I get nothing! I flung the magnum at the front door, where it smashed

and fell into a melty puddle. I get nothing. I get nothing. My son then offered to buy me an ice cream with his pocket money. How old is this kid? Six. Six? This made me feel bad and I cried as well.

I love that. who's done that before which is all got angry then just cries oh my word oh that's so bleak um there's a lot of explaining and apologizing to everyone in my house for my childish tantrum and we haven't had an ice cream since oh no that is astonishing that's gonna be the magnum gate for them isn't it yeah that's it for them. That's forever. That magnum's ruined for them now. Because they'll go, oh, lovely magnums. Remember that time that you cried and threw one against the window

and said, I get nothing. What a pathetic little delivery. One little magnum through a window in a pandemic. Fucking hell, it's hard, isn't it? It is hard life, isn't it? Yeah. We're looking forward to that and you can't even have it Poor lady

Do you know what I mean we've talked before Rob About whether we'll do Merch for this show but I think when we do I think I get nothing Feels like one of the slogans Yeah Michael on the milk tray jingle So this is me asking you on the show

So obviously if you're listening you've already heard the jingle. So this is kind of postmodern thing. But can it combine the milk tray advert from the 80s with the words, I got nothing, shouted? Yep. Which one of you wants to shout it? I'll shout it. I got nothing.

That's going to make no sense to them hearing it the first time. So it's what we'll do do Gosh, this is like podcast jazz I don't know what's happening, but I love it I feel like I should start tapping It's like a beat poem I don't know what's happening anymore I've got nothing Nothing

That lockdown parenting podcast has reinvented the form, actually I just thought it was just some people complaining And it did take you a thousand to do, Joe Robin, you slag And Lockdown Parenting Podcast has reinvented the form, actually. I just thought it was just some people complaining. Yeah, and it did take you a thousand to do, Joe Robin, you slag. Right. Rob, you hate Bing, don't you? I can't stand the geezer. Now, I've not seen Bing, but we got this email,

and then I watched the title sequence to Bing. This now is absolutely mad if you haven't noticed this. Hi Rob and Josh, I love your podcast. It provides me much lead comic relief for my dog walk after the kids have gone to bed. I particularly enjoyed the Daisy Mae Cooper episode and her stories of parenting hell. Something I feel I had to comment on was her hatred of Bing. What puzzles me most is not where Bing's parents are or why Bing has to cry in every episode, but it is in the opening credit, Pando takes off his shorts for no reason. Oh.

My husband pointed this out to me, and now I can't unsee it, nor figure out the reason why he's the only one to strip down to his pants. I'm going to send you, Rob, the opening titles to a Bing episode. All right, OK. And I can comment on it live? I want you to comment on it live.

Well, you can just type it into YouTube. I've got it. I've got it here. This will blow your mind. Come on, Flop. Come in, Bing. It's walking out the house, down the steps, meets with all his mates.

There they are. He's a rabbit. All rabbits, little panda. They're like weird teddies as well, aren't they? So a little high five for the elephant girl. It's because he's a girl, it's an elephant. It's not like an elephant man. Spin off.

Oh, yeah, and shots off for no reason. Absolutely no reason. They're just walking. Yeah, so they're all fully dressed, and the panda, for no reason, takes his trousers off, and he's running around in pants And their weird little peasant servant people That are always with them

Just picks up his shorts and puts them in his pocket It's such a weird And it's CGI So it's not like an actor's gone rogue And they haven't noticed They've CGI decided In the title sequence, in the background Should someone just take their shorts off

And just be in pants for absolutely no reason But I've always thought this, right? No disrespect to people that do cartoon animations, yeah? But you're in Gold's Pixar, let's be honest. Right? That's where you want. That's where you want to be. That's like arenas for comics, yeah? But some people will end up doing

daytime British TV cartoon animations. So those guys are either probably, you know, not as skilled, not as skilled, not as experienced, or they're outlaws. And I think what we're dealing with here is a maverick of the form. You know in Fight Club where he flashes up a dick at the end of it? You know, he just puts that into the... I think that's what that guy's done.

He went, let's see if the pals at B notice this. And they haven't. It's gone in. Pants off. I think you give it another three series you'll see that panda's cock that's where he's going when he gets sacked or she gets sacked the animator that panda's dick will be out in one episode and have to be pulled from the air and apology delivered it's no now you've seen it as well you can't watch bing without seeing that the panda

is just taking off his shorts for no reason that goes in in my questionable TV animations along with, hey, Dougie, always cuddling the kids for no reason at the end. That's a questionable section of kids' TV we need sorting out. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today.

Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis, really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice.

Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today.

If you've got any more of that, you know how to get in touch. Now, Rob, you've got some correspondence. Yes, because you were accused of being salty by some podcasters at the Podcast Awards, I've opened it up just to work this out because I've only ever known you as a good guy. So it was quite shocking to me. So we've had a couple of emails. this one here from a lady called Emma Law and she said my husband met Josh last year he works in London my husband so I'm used to him being home late because of the unreliable trains yep we've all used that one before Emma don't worry about

that unreliable trains again um southern rail even though he's on southeastern anyway um, this particular day, it was parents' evening at school, and I'm sat waiting for him to get home when I get a photo of him and Josh at the train station saying, I'm not going to make it. The trains have had problems, so they've had to change. So is she accusing me of going for a pint with her husband? Well, no. She's quite excited about this. She's not accusing you of anything.

There's no saltiness here. Actually, it's in your defence. I've never been so excited and so pissed off in one moment. I was very jealous as I've been a fan of Josh for many years. And I'm pleased to say Josh wasn't salty at all. Oh, yes. But she had to go to parents' evening alone a little bitter, saying it's just me today because my husband's rubbing shoulders

with celebs on trains. And there's a picture of you looking very happy to have a photo with Emma's husband there. And what is obviously a pre-COVID snap arm around the shoulder with this guy. Oh, that sounds like me. He's got an arm around the shoulder. So not salty at all. And we've got a couple of other ones though.

This one, again, another non-salty Josh here. Oh, my word. So you're doing well here we go me and my brother met josh at the fringe festival last year overall he was a really nice fella although he was struggling to find the venue that he was performing at in an hour and a half which was a bit concerning my brother did help him by pointing out of a massive two that was right behind him imagine he was gigging at pleasance too yeah so Is that correct, Josh? Yeah. So it was behind you. You didn't know where it was. It was right behind him.

It was worth it, though, as they got a picture and the show was really fun. I can tell you, Rob. I can tell you that that would have been one of, I would have been in a terrible state at that point. Can I say something here, Josh? I think you're an excellent comedian, right? Great performer.

You are a panicker before end i've seen it especially when you first started you used to you used to pace clap your hands together in a weird sort of like motion and then on themselves each hand on itself and you used to get water cover your face in water and get dabs of water and put it behind your ears and your temples still do it still still do it so your ears and your temples. Still do it. Still? Still do it. So you must have been so flustered at this stage.

Do you know what the worst thing about this was? So this was, and this is a parenting story in the sense of I went to Edinburgh for two nights and obviously I have friends up there. And it was really, it was the first time in months that I'd had away from being a parent. So I went out both nights, but both previews had been booked for like midday. So I was hung over. So I'm sure you would say that I'm not the best at holding my drink at the

best of times. I've completely lost the ability now. So I'll take you through these two nights. So the first time I got back to the hotel room at about 3 a.m right and I went into my room and I'd been in the room already but um the duvet wasn't on the bed there was no duvet there was just a pillow the pillows and no duvet and so I phoned down I had to phone down I was like there's no duvet on the bed and the guy was like what i was like there's no duvet and he's like what are you talking about i was like can i get a duvet

please so five minutes later this is how drunk i was five minutes later the guy turns up with the duvet knocks on the door walks in looks at the bed and goes you are aware they've just tucked in the duvet so tight that it doesn't look like there's a duvet. What did you say? I was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd had two duvets. I was a duvet. I kept the second duvet.

I always have two duvets. It's my thing. You are, when you're drunk though and you're gone, you are. I've seen you be sick in your own hands yeah at least twice yeah i do apologize for that i well it gets worse two incidents wasn't it why don't in birmingham glee we should save this for another episode but birmingham glee and then that christmas party yeah where i saved your skin you saved my skin i've died forever are you i forever are you we'll save that for another time a career saving we wouldn't be here mate we wouldn't be here this

podcast would be dead and buried. You was nearly sick on Andrew Lloyd Webber's head. And let me say, you know, anyone that's seen School of Rock knows he deserves it. So let me tell you, the second night in Edinburgh, I get to the hotel, so it's 3am again. No duvet again? No, I get to the room. So it's 3 a.m. again. No duvet again? No, I get to the room, go up and the card's not working.

So I go down to reception, different guy, thankfully. And I go up with the hand over the card and I'm like, my card's not working. Could you just, I want to go to sleep. And he looks at the card and says, you're in the wrong hotel. And I've drunkenly managed to go back to the wrong hotel in Edinburgh. I've been trying the door. Oh, Josh.

Those first nights, that is classic. I notice it at gigs where you have people where it's their first night out after having a kid and they just go buck wild like it's the last days of Rome and they just can't, they get too overexcited. They're not drunk enough for months and they drink loads. I've got one more. Well, I've got one that is a bit salty, Josh. I don't want to, you know, bring you down.

I once sat next to Josh on the train for four hours to devon um you must be going home to visit family or gigging i imagine the train was very busy he was sitting in the window seat i felt bad sitting next to him because he was very grumpy looking maybe he had just woken up from a nap anyway he was v moody and shoved his bag of the seat. And I sat down. I spent three and a quarter hours wondering if it was a bad time to tell him he's a wicked comedian. And he had Lou wrote on his shoe. So Josh, I never told you as you looked so salty.

So your saltiness is actually putting off people to talk to you. That's unbelievable. So it's doing, I absolutely stand by that. Didn't speak to me once on the train. I consider that a victory. I didn't want to talk to you that's unbelievable so it's doing i i absolutely stand by that didn't speak to me once on the train i consider that a victory i didn't want to talk to them no exactly you're salty aren't you you're a salty guy i've got an edge you've got you've got an edge if you hung over wow it sounds like it doesn't it the common theme is you drunk or drinking brings out the salt totally genuinely if i don drink, I'm a much happier person. But I don't think we should go into this on this podcast.

I was on Sunday brunch and they were doing the cocktail. So they went, do you drink, Rob? Have you been drinking over lockdown? I was like, yeah. He went, what? I went, lager. But just made you lager. He went, why?

I went, boredom and depression. And it killed the energy in the room. It was so funny. Thank you for all. Keep your salty messages coming in or non-salty. I'm currently 2-1 up, which is delightful. Don't make them up like they got on the train. I'd never get toilet paper stuck on my shoe.

How dare you? That is a classic. I can see you shuffling down that train with that on your foot. Go on. Who sits next to someone on a train for four hours absolutely despicable i mean the fact i'd put the bag on the seat is is a mistake for me i realize that is a passive back off yeah read the room mate um if you want to get in touch with us a milk tray moment salty moment anything else this is how email us hello at lockdown parenting.co.uk or we're on twitter at lockdown parents thank you for listening

to our first friday uh catch up with correspondents we've got so much we didn't get through but we love receiving it so much brilliant stuff let's end rob with a guilty parenting tip from lucy hayward we told our kids that when the ice cream van is playing music it means they have run out of ice cream there we go it's a classic that is i also like to dabble with that's a car of a weird horn they don't know yet. Once they get to school, they will know. If you've got any guilty parenting tips, keep them coming in. Review us. Yeah, why not? We need to beat the Ramseys. They've got like

23,000 reviews. Just see how many times you can review until you get banned. Exactly. Set up some new accounts. I stand by that message. Brilliant. Thanks very much, guys. And next week, we've got another guest on the Tuesday episode, which is Lorraine Kelly. Brilliant.

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful woman. Thank you for listening. See you later, guys. Bye. Bye.