Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP18: Salty? Or not salty? That is the question...

Episode Date: June 26, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S01 EP18: Salty? Or not salty? That is the question...We get so much amazing correspondence from listeners, and not enough time to get through it all, so we've decided to release a regular set of 'correspondence specials' where we hear more of your (and our) tales and adventures in parenting.*WARNING* Features even more 'salty Josh'Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not.

And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting How with... Josh Bullock. And... That was decent, that. That was Emmy, who is a four-year-old. And according to the email from her mum, Izzy,

is a complete psychopath who still eats and drinks anything she can find. Wow. She once drank half a bottle of Zoflora. The paramedic said there was no way she would have drunk it as it made it taste disgusting, but she burped linen fresh for nearly a week. Oh, God. My two-year-old ate half a tub of butter yesterday.

Wow. We were watching and she was just like pouring it in with her hand My two-year-old ate half a tub of butter yesterday. Wow. We weren't watching. And she was just like pouring it in with her hand. And like Winnie the Pooh with honey. And we thought she'll be sick, but she weren't. She just absolutely dealt with it. What a stomach. Maybe she'll be one of those competitive eaters in the future.

Imagine if you became like one of those competitive parents that you see, but with your daughter. Like Serena and Venus Williams' dad, but with eating competition. eating competition pizza hut buffet every weekend let's go let's go come on slice it down don't forget the pasta don't forget the pasta work on the crust work on the crust um rob yeah i should say we get so much great correspondence um we've got a ask rob for your advice we've got um a parenting tip we've also got uh some for your advice. We've got a parenting tip. We've also got some emails about me being salty. But firstly, Rob, did you have a day out last Tuesday? Yes, I did.

Why? What's happening? No, it's just someone who spotted you. Okay. I just want to say I listen to the podcast every week as a mother of a five-year-old and identify with your parenting woes. My favourite thing to date, however, is this afternoon, open brackets, Tuesday,

when I was walking into my local animal park just in time to see Rob coming past, pushing one daughter in a pram and herding the other on his way out. I've never seen someone looking so hot, bothered and fed up. I wanted to say hello, but thought better of it at that point.

You look like you were considering throwing yourself in with the tigers. Is that a fair summation of your day out? Do you know yourself in with the tigers is that a fair summation of your day out do you know what right this is this may be a bit more serious not as funny as as normal but i was having a lovely day it was hot and they can get a bit you know kids are like running around not listed and that was at the end of the day and also quite weirdly i did it did feel like lockdown was really over that day because i went to this animal park and then i was i had to go to the toilet.

I needed a number two and I was doing a number two. And I thought, I remember only a few weeks ago, I was only allowed out for an hour a day. Now I'm having a shit at a zoo. And I just thought, you know, it really is easy, isn't it? When that's happening. Yeah. So this is what's happened. Basically, so I went to Animal Park and Zoom, right? When I'm out and about, right, when I'm with my kids, you know, if you come up to me and say hello, I'll have a photo.

If she'd come up to me, that lady said hello and have a quick photo, it's fine. It's more tricky when you're with the kids because it's got, when they're young as well and you're deeming with them and someone wants a photo, you have to go, right? I normally say, one minute, you wait there. I'll just go and park them over here and get in the queue for an ice cream or whatever, then I'll come and have a photo, okay? But if I'm on my own, you see me ask all the time.

You know, it's just a trick with kids. But there was people taking little secret photos of me at that park, which I, you know, if you come up and say hello, I'll have a picture. It's no problem. But when someone secretly takes it, I find it so, you feel so exposed and a bit vulnerable. Yeah, understandable, yeah. And especially, it's even worse when they with you with your kids and

i don't put my kids up on the internet at all i never have not even privately nothing's been up and then someone sent me a photo going was this you and it was like a photo of me and my children's faces and it really it really sends me a bit i find it really upsetting and like really uncomfortable that someone's taking a photo of my children without my permission or knowledge it makes me go it makes me go a bit funny and i don't feel like i can relax really took the edge off you having a lovely shit didn't it i mean i just before that i'd one of my great the best outdoor shits i've had in 2020 and all of a sudden yeah so sorry if i was a bit miserable but i'd always have a picture and a photo but i've been sent a bit sideways.

It's interesting when you're out with your kids and people come up to you because you're kind of like, I've really got a lot on here, mate. Yeah, that's the other thing as well. There's never a moment, is it? Because how stressed does your kid get when they want an ice cream or something?

And then you go, wait a minute. And they're like, they've got no idea why people want to have a picture of me. Yeah, wait a minute. I'm just telling this man what Jimmy Carr's really like. Do you know what? Oh, Rob, we need your help. Go on, mate.

The jingle, please. Don't be scared to use a device. The timeout step can be your ally. Don't be afraid to say no to your kids. It's okay to apologize as a parent. Never hit them, but don't let them think you won't. You're listening to WWRBD. What would Rob Beckett do?

What would Rob Beckett do? Okay, this is from Steve Charlton. I'm looking for advice regarding how to win my children over after a recent culinary blunder. Since lockdown began, my children have only been able to visit a handful of times. To make their visit extra special, I decided to offer them a full Nando's experience.

I'm not just talking the food. I went as far as going on YouTube for traditional Portuguese music. Moving my George Foreman grill into the living room so the kids could watch while I cook their chicken. Open kitchen! Open kitchen! Then they had to come up to me and order with some menus I'd printed out

from nandos.co.uk. Oh, what a legend. The evening was a disaster. Five minutes in, the music caused a problem because I had to go back to the computer to skip the adverts furthermore having the grill in my front room turned out to be a stupid idea because the kids were talking to me whilst i was trying to concentrate i generally require silence while cooking wow silence to top it off when the kids ordered from the nando's menu i didn't have half the things they wanted. Prego steak roll, please.

And I didn't realise my daughter had become a vegetarian during lockdown. She ordered the portobello mushroom and halloumi burger, for which I wasn't prepared. I thought Nando's was just chicken. Finally, they were really upset with me because although I thought I'd achieved a lemon and herb level of favour, it soon became apparent I'd achieved extra heart. The kids didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening. I was especially displeased. This is a weird sentence. I was especially displeased as my son drank all the milk and I didn't have enough for cereal in the evening. In the evening? In the evening. Is that a typo? Or is Steve Charlton

desperately in the... I've got to have my bowl of cereal before bed. Yeah, it saves some time in the morning, doesn't it? Wow. I'm telling you this because they are reluctant

to come back. Have you got any ideas for other theme lights for them that would be less risky? I think the issue there is he's offered a full menu. Even the actual establishments,

even McDonald's, the most successful restaurant ever, is offering a reduced menu. Yeah. And he thinks he can bang out the full Nando's, without any experience, the full Nando's menu. I mean, even if you've got all the food in, the wastage after two people have just ordered what they want would be insane. I mean, if I was him, I'd just order a mcdonald's off uber eats yeah well we know you've got a link up with that company rob that that's that's wide and clear i really want to do a mcdonald's advert i'd love that me just in there i bet you'd love it it does very nearly the phrase i'd love it i'm nearly there i mean i think really the thing is now though it's all open why would you try and recreate something that's already there because i think when it's not open you're

given a bit of grace aren't you well he's like oh well it's not he said he's added other other ideas for theme night so it doesn't have to be restaurant it could be strictly alton towers or fortnight so here's three suggestions oh al tower's theme night how would you do that i suppose you'd push them down the stairs on something i just push them down the stairs from off the roof i'm off the roof um what we could do you could do is you could do that i always think mexicans are good bomb because you just cook it all leave it out and they build it themselves yeah and in that way they can judge the spice basically everything that's got all world paso written on it, buy it all.

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night you and daytime you can agree on. Hit up your local Taco Bell restaurant or Taco Bell.ca today and try our new cantina chicken menu. Taco Bell, not just late night. Offer available at participating Taco Bell locations or Taco Bell.ca. Um, Rob. Yes, mate. Do you have some salty emails? Yes, I've got some salty emails from you. What do you want first, the salted or unsalted? Let's have salted first. Oh, it's hard to finish on the salt, though, don't you?

Oh, okay, yeah. I think it's nice. Basically, I've asked you what you want. And then you've not allowed me to have what I want. Yeah. Right, okay, okay. We'll do salty first. Let's do salty first.

You wanted it. Salty Widdicombe is the thing. This is from Sarah Williams. Here's a salty Widdicombe is the thing. This is from Sarah Williams. Here's a Salty Widdicombe story from my husband, Simon. For years, whenever I have seen or heard Josh Widdicombe on TV or radio, I've delighted in telling people that I met him once and he was really grumpy. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone. Wow.

It's just like victims speaking out, isn't it? After like Weinstein and Saville. Yeah. For years, they were in the dark. In fairness, it wasn't all Josh's fault. I met Josh when he compared for an awards night at an industry I worked in. The night was going well. Josh did a very funny stand-up routine and the awards were going great.

My first encounter was when I was a recipient of one of the awards and I had to collect a trophy for him and post for a picture. So far, so good. Also, to start with, Josh, these are very difficult nights for a performer. I've done these before. It's very tough, a lot of drunk people. You're trying to hold it all together. So it can be difficult to host.

I'm in your corner so far. Can I just also, can we have it put on record that I did do well in the stand-up set, which is, I've already narrowed this down to a small amount of awards. Yeah, so I think Josh knows this one off by heart already as the stand-up went well. Josh has smashed the gig. He's wandering around with his massive big dick energy. After the awards and a fair few beers later,

I spotted Josh at the bar waiting to be served. Right, so I don't get this, Josh. What was I doing still being there? Why are you still at the bar? You should be gone, right? But you're still at the bar. There's a reason why you were there, apparently. Now confident we had some kind of connection and shared experience,

I decided to go in for another chat with Josh. Josh mentioned he was staying in the area that night because the following day he was going to be best man at a wedding. Can you remember this, G? Oh, yeah, I remember that. So was you staying in the hotel that night because the following day he was going to be best man at a wedding can you remember that was you staying in the hotel that you did the gig so it was i had a corporate in birmingham and then the next day i had most uh best man at a wedding in birmingham so um i stayed and then i vividly remember this it was in the birmingham nec this gig and it was the office supplies awards wow I thought, and I'd had a couple of drinks. At the start, my script, you know how they announce you on?

Yeah. The voice of God in the script was, this year's host is Josh Whittacombe, who has promised not to do what Brian Blessed did last year and outstay his welcome. Oh, God. So God knows what Brian Blessed blessed had done and you're sniffing around at the bar as well at this stage but i imagine you've left the i left the arena

gig so you left the nec and then went to the hotel but the people from the gig are at the hotel yeah yeah i wanted a drink so i didn't really know what to do i ended up talking to a guy that supplied toilet rolls to oh josh this is so depressing what the fuck? Go to your room with a bottle of wine. What are you doing? You say it's depressing, Rob. Do you know what he said to me? And it's stuck with me ever since. He said, all the people in here, everyone else,

they could be replaced when it goes digital. Computers, you know, paper, whatever. Toilet roll, it's a job for life, mate. People have got to wipe their arse, Josh. People have got to wipe their arse, Josh. People have got to wipe their arse. That will never go digital. No. And if it does, God help us all. That will never go

digital. Amazing. Yeah. But surely there will be a machine that wipes your arse for you. I think there needs to be some sort of tube that's suctioned to remove stuff. You know like what they put in your mouth at the dentist? Yeah. That up your up your ass not the same one rob no give it a wash but that up your ass quickly suck out anything else knocking about and then clean it all up but then even if it was proven

to do the cleanest job ever you'd always have one one white check, wouldn't you? One little white check. That's why this guy from the awards is going to go on forever. So what do I say to this woman at the bar? You're staying there because you're, yeah, Josh mentioned you were staying in the area, best man at a wedding. And then she said, oh, pressure. A lot of pressure to be funny when you do a best man speech in normal circumstances, especially for a comedian.

The expectations going to be even higher I quit right which I know what you're like Josh you're a great performer but you can't it can get in your head at times so your head's gone now I didn't need that I didn't need Alex Ferguson coming up to me that's what I fucking didn't need with his mind game no and what I'd say with comedy is it's the best and worst job in the world. Because if you have a bad gig, there's another one the next night. But if you have a good one, you don't ever really want to have another gig.

You just want to pretend that is how you are as a comedian. And she's 10 minutes after the gig reminding you about an even tougher gig the next day. So basically, as soon as she said that, she's got in your head, bit of mind game, sledging. Josh's mood quickly changed, taking on the saltiness of a human packet of discos. He wasn't amused.

I quickly scanned the bar in search of a colleague to chat to instead, and I found a lovely guy drinking five bottles of champagne, screaming, toilet roll will never die. I love the podcast. Do you know what? At the end of each salt emailemail, I should apologise. I do apologise for that. It's amazing that I remember that night so vividly,

but I don't remember that conversation. Well, do you know what, though? I think in your defence, Josh, I do think when you're on screen or when we do stuff as comedians, we're so full energy because that's the show, that's the thing, that you're never fully going to replicate that energy. You're never going to look as happy as you are on telly or on stage because you're performing and if you did have that same energy at the bar you'd be mad it would be insane if like someone come up to you like hi yeah cool and he started doing this

it's not sustainable so whatever you are less than full energy looks like you're being grumpy but you're not you're just being i get it all the time. If I'm not smiling, I go, what's wrong? I'm like, nothing. Well, exactly.

It's just because I'm not smiling. Right. I've got, I've got a non-salty one, a nice one from you, Josh. Dear Robin Josh, I teach at Josh's old school.

And a few years ago, he came to do a gig in the old school hall to raise funds for the school. He definitely isn't salty as he tolerated a school tour for goodness. How long from our ex-principal, even though he fucking went there for eight years. I added that bit. He took the mick out of loads of his teachers, Mr. Dinny and Mrs. Morgan mostly,

and it was a sold-out evening. And just last year, he sent a video to say happy retirement for his old teacher, even though he was quite possibly in hospital at the time. Were you in hospital at the time, Josh? Sending out a happy retirement message? Possibly. I had my appendix out. Yeah, I had my appendix out. I don't remember much of that so maybe i did it doesn't get said enough all this

not many sort of people would do that um i'm not gonna lie rob that tour of the school was one of the best experiences of my life going back through three-year-old school yeah just walking around where you haven't been for 20 years oh it was a nostalgic hit like I've never had. It's so much smaller, isn't it? Yeah. I got asked to go and do a speech at my old school, but I've got nothing to say apart from, I learnt nothing here.

They're trying their best, but I learnt nothing here. They're nice enough people. Everything I learnt was when I left this place, but they're trying their best. Good luck with your education. That's all I can say. All I learnt from that school was how to smell a of fire i can know a fight's kicking off 20 minutes before it does i've just got a nose for it i'm like one of them dogs that can find

like cannabis on anyone i'm like i can sniff out trouble but i didn't learn anything at the school so i couldn't go back and do a speech there's a famous board at my school is that one of yours no who else is on your famous board well i, I wasn't on it. I don't even know if I am. But the three people that were on it were Tom Allen, fair enough. Charlie Clements, who played Bradley in EastEnders. Not bad, is it? No, fair enough. Pretty big

deal. Third one, the Funky Chicks. Who are the Funky Chicks? Oh, don't you know? They're on the famous board, so you should know, mate. Not me, hosting the Royal Variety Performance. The Funky Chicks? Oh, don't you know? They're on the famous board, so you should know, mate. Not me, hosting the Royal Variety Performance. The Funky Chicks have made an appearance. Who are the Funky Chicks?

They are a South East London, Bromley-based kids' entertainment duo. Wow. They sound good, actually. We should get them on. Lovely girls. Annie and Evie Moran. They're lovely. Lovely girls.

But no RB. No RB on the board. Oh, mate. Oh, that's a shame. Do you think we're the kind of male equivalent of the funky chicks is that our role i don't think we're funky i don't think anyone is funky anymore and you certainly can't describe yourself as funky can you the moment you describe yourself as funky you you are a square if no rogers said funky i'd let him off did he go to your school that one if he would he would be on the board would he too many big hitters on there yeah but anyway your old teacher said you weren't

salty at all lovely lad and from the hospital bed was sending him happy retirement videos there we go one all keep your salty stories coming in rob do you want a uh bad parenting hack yes please caroline morrison hi rob and josh this was written before the lorraine kelly episode that was out on tuesday i'm looking forward to the l the Lorraine Kelly episode That was out on Tuesday I'm looking forward to the Lorraine Kelly episode As her book on baby and toddler feeding Kept me sane while my son was small And we were weaning

Which leads me to my parenting hack If your child will only eat chicken Then tell him everything is chicken Ham is pink chicken Beef is brown chicken Spaghetti bolognese is spaghetti with brown chicken. Sausages are chicken sausages. This worked successfully for several years.

Wow. He just thought he was eating chicken for several years. They just said everything was chicken. Didn't help when my sister announced in front of him that he eats beef now, but he was four or five by that point. And we had enough ammunition that he liked all the foods we'd been feeding him. I would like to add he's now 15 and well-adjusted. That's a good tip, isn't it?

That's a great tip. It's just chicken. That is a good tip. If anyone needs that tip, use it as you wish. Now, Rob, last week I discussed a cat doing a dirty protest in our house. Yeah, a strange cat, not your cat. A stranger's cat that had been lured in by my daughter. This is from Holly Sparks.

I was listening to your podcast. I mean, this this isn't about parenting but it is worth reading i was listening to your podcast and josh was talking about feeding the cat and it reminded me of the fox at my mum's garden my mum has a fox that likes to shit on her garden ornaments she started to feed it as a bribe to stop it from doing dirty protests the fox has a favored dog ornament and it loves to shit on the dog's head the dog is at the front door so anyone who visits is greeted by a stone dog with a fox shit on his head as soon as the dog is cleaned the next morning it has another shit on his head my mom has now resulted in giving the fox dinner every night last night he had a jacket potato, chicken breast and bread and has done no dirty protests since. That's a better dinner than

I had. That's unbelievable dinner. Is he going to the nursery that my daughter's at? Well it's a carby dinner though isn't it? What kind of fox has a slice of bread after a jacket potato? In my head it's a huge dog statue and it's like a kind of turd, like a kind of quiff on top of its head. We all have the power to shape the world. We're connected to the world we share, to each other. I am future. I wait in the world of Echo. Discover the extraordinary with Echo, the spectacular new show by Cirque du Soleil.

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going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Josh, I'm very excited. We now have an address for people to send us stuff. Oh, yes, please. So basically, if you want to send us anything like any pictures or correspondence

or letters, old school, postcards or stuff your kids have done. What other stuff do you want sent over, Josh? Art, drawing, because I really enjoy the kids saying our names. But if the kids wanted to draw us, that would be really good. And then we could have them come in. Oh, yes. And then we could put them on our new Instagram account.

Yeah, we're going to get an Instagram account. Once we've got some content for it. That would be fun. But, you know, bad art your children have done do you know what rob i'll give you an idea we'll also um we're putting on our instagram account pictures that people have sent in so if you've got anything you want to send to us it's p.o box 76748 london e99DW also like products and not that I'm trying to get free stuff but stuff you want us to try out which might be quite funny for the kids yeah parents and products

we could do that but I'm not looking for freebie but I just it might be quite funny content but if you want to send us stuff this is not like a pathetic attempt to get a free fucking chair by the way listeners I want a chair I'll buy a fucking chair but if you've got some weird products for kids let us know we can try them out on our kids and see how it goes yeah we're willing

to use them as testers so other things we'll put on our instagram if any of our emails have photos that help so um for instance this is from lauren lennon i've attached a picture of something that sent me over the edge. It was my milk tray moment. And all because the lady loves milk tray. So I'm just going to send you the picture of what she found in the kitchen. And she said this was what sent her to her milk tray moment. Now, I think this is one of those things where, you know, you think it will be the big things that really mess with you but sometimes it's just it's just the subtle

little annoying things that send you over the top oh that's unacceptable okay someone's put a banana pill on top of a food only waste bin that would i'd say to open and drop in would take less than half a second that is actually the same effort of laying it on top than picking up the lid and dropping it in yeah that is unex that's that's that's infuriating me already what an arsehole that will go on our instagram i put it on their pillow i put it on their pillow that's what um my wife's mum when uh my wife was a teenager and it was her job to do the washing up right and she didn't do the washing up and her mum just went and put it all on her bed put all the washing up on her bed oh that is a huge huge power move though huge power i would never have the guts to do it i don't think i could do dishes but one banana i'll just stick it on a

bed but then it then then what then what happened what's the next step what you want to do is put it in the bin isn't it right but what if they put a banana skin on your pillow you've got to go up a level like pineapple in the duvet you've got you can't leave it at that and then it turns into a big banana jewel before you know it you've got fruit salad in the bath a full bath of fruit salad um That is so unacceptable. It's just an absolute kicking. That's worse than running up a phone bill or coming in drunk. That is just a real fuck you in your bin.

Fuck you in your bin. What is our P.O. Box, Rob? P.O. Box 76748 London E99DW. So send in all your old school correspondence to there, or you can email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk. Thank you for listening, everyone. Josh, I hope you have a better week next week. Me too, me too.

You've been stressed this week. Everything's a phase. These things always last a very short time. But when you're in the eye of the storm. I felt like I was saying that to myself more as a kind of like you'll be fine it'll be all right right well thanks for listening don't forget to um subscribe um and a lot you don't have to like it's not youtube is it just subscribe review that's it you love a review don't you how many reviews we up to yeah we smashed it up the

reviews nearly four and a half thousand we were number two last week for a bit. Yeah, back up to number two. Desert Island Discs has turned up again. Ugh, 50 years of history. Oh, piss off, Lauren Laverne. We don't need you turning up with your 50 years of episodes. Do you think? I don't think either of us are Desert Island Discs. Fair, Rob.

Do you know what? I'll just do. I'll just do. You know, because they want it all to be like quite emotional. But yeah, Carmen Eileen. Love that one. Absolute banger. Stuck in the Middle of You, Fratelli's absolute tunes.

Just everything's like, yeah, I like this one and I'm not out. And then the host cries and not the guest. Josh, who have you got next week? Chris Ramsey. I'm not going to lie. The king of podcasts. At the moment, we're coming for you. We're coming for you, Ramseys. Comedian, dancer, podcaster.

Comedian, dancer, podcaster. Yeah, I mean, he's a triple threat. I don't think you need anything else once you've got those three in the bag. Oh, it's old school, isn't it? He could do a song at the end. Can he sing? Rosie can sing. Yeah, Chris would have 100% been the tree on the Masked Singer if he could sing.

That would be perfect for him. I'm calling this out. I reckon Chris and Rosie Ramsey will do a duet for a Christmas number one at some point. Okay, I'll take that. 20 quid. I'm calling that now. 20 quid. Yeah.

Done. Anyway, listen to the podcast on Tuesday. It's very funny, man. Bye. Bye.