Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP19: Chris Ramsey

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP19: Chris RamseyJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the brilliant comedian, presenter and podcaster, Chris Ramsey. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello darlings, this is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1, streaming on Disney+.

Want visibly glowing skin in 14 days? With new Olay Indulgent Moisture Body Wash, you can lather and glow. The 24-hour moisturizing body wash is infused with vitamin B3 complex and has notes of rose and cherry creme for a rich indulgent experience. Treat your senses with Nuolite Indulgent Moisture Body Wash. Buy it today at major retailers. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky.

So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with Josh Whittakin, Josh, Peter Hinton and Rob, Rob, Beckett, Beckett, Beckett. Good one. I like it. Who was that? That was, so that is an email from hannah kittel and that is her

youngest twin florence and darcy is the older twin and um can you hear the hammering michael um yeah what's that banging is that banging i thought that was on her clip is that in your house yeah i'm gonna have to get your elite house wait wait i'm back in a sec okay it's gonna this is gonna show how big your house is now, how long it takes you to come back. He's gone. You can hear just like rattling down a big ballroom. This is an awkward chat for Josh now.

He's had to go, and Josh doesn't like talking to the bigger boys at the best of times, listeners. He's had to go in there and confront a big, strong builder man, and he's only little, Josh, four foot seven, and he's gone in there on his own to sort him out. How was that, Josh? Are you back yet? He's just getting down, just pulling his...

Okay. He's stopped. How was that, Josh? It's an awkward chat, isn't it, talking to the builder? Well, yeah, but it's fine because there's so much other shit that's wrong with this house that he's got other things he can move on to for two hours. But it's such a go, excuse me, can you stop making noise by making something?

I've got to go and talk, do a bit of lighthearted banter to distract people from their awful children for an hour. Do you mind keeping it down, mate? He's slightly worried because he's just taken the frame off the window that's rotting. All right. So obviously we're having a break now. He's having a break so that I can record a parenting podcast.

I wasn't clear on that with him. I was kind of... Oh, you wait till he gets on the WhatsApp chat of all his mates down on the other side. Anyway, he stops banging and the window's open. Yeah, and so if it rains in the next hour, I'm just... If you hear me go very quiet on this, it's because I've seen it started raining out the window. How are you, Josh? You all right? You had a bit of a stressful week last week. Has this week been better? Totally. So this is the weirdest thing. So obviously, I'm not sure whether she heard the recording or whatever.

But so we record these both the Tuesday and the Friday together, right? So it was Monday morning. I basically had a meltdown and listed all the times she said no to me. She then went for a nap and woke up, and it was like she was a different child. It just completely changed. And she's been absolutely amazing all week. This is a formal apology to her, but genuinely, she just slept it off sleep needed and sleep

yeah she was just knackered but she's kind of more or less dropped her nap now it's come to that oh has she oh it's a big moment yeah the first dropping of a nap is an absolute killer so you was getting 90 minutes wasn't you midday and now it's gone she's just up it's gone we try we did it yesterday we did the nap and then she couldn't get to sleep in the evening, and we were like, that's it. But I would say don't be too hasty because it's been hot last week. That will affect them getting to sleep in the evening as well as not being tired enough.

So just bear that in mind. Fingers crossed. Just keep options open for a bit, yeah? Don't cut that nap off yet. Well, we needed it yesterday. We needed it yesterday we needed it yesterday but it's fine it's fine i've made my peace with it you know as long as i just keep putting in enough work during the middle of the day i'll get my break that way that's the way i do it

just keep booking we're going to seven episodes a week now of this show um i did have a bit of parenting mishap so um i've recorded this live for you. Here it is. Just had a complete parenting nightmare. Well, almost. So my wife has gone for a socially distanced dinner and drink in the garden of our friend James. And it's just kind of about a mile away.

It's currently midnight. She texts me and she says she's walking back. And I think, you can't walk back on your own. So I text her, I go, it's fine, I'll come and meet you. I'll walk and get you. And I'm literally getting my clothes on, like putting my shoes on and stuff. And she texts me and she goes,

you can't leave our daughter, you'd have just left her in the house on her own. I'd completely fucking forgotten. What is wrong with me? Oh, my God. So, Home Alone 5, would that have been? But it was so... Do you know what?

I've got a lot more respect for David Cameron after that, because when he left his kid in the pub, I thought it was impossible. I just wasn't thinking. Yeah. Because there's a stage where they do just go to sleep so deeply. They're just quiet. You just have that moment of peace and you think, I've got nothing else.

I could just go. Yeah. I'm surprised it doesn't happen more, but I'm sure it does. But people don't, you know, offer that. You don't say, oh, what did you do last week? Oh, I left my kid indoors and I went for a walk. No one's admitting to that, even though it can happen. There's every chance, Rob, that that's what I did,

but I've changed the story slightly so that it made me sound better. But I'm sure if anyone else has had one of those moments where they forgot they were a parent for a moment, let us know, not like, I don't, you know, Shannon Matthews' mum getting in touch that's different I mean like if you sort of went to go out or did get in the car and thought oh no my kid and stuff like that I've done that before though where I've like the one I forget sometimes to strap them in the car seat and then that you're halfway down the road and like dad what my seatbelt's not done you're like don't move and

then you're trying to pull over immediately. Oh, God. We bought a car this week as well, actually. Oh, big week for the Widdicombs. Big week for the Widdicombs, yeah. What did you go for? A BMW X1, secondhand. Ooh, secondhand. Put that in there, man of the people.

Just to be clear, just to be clear, with the money I'm spunking on this fucking builder, I can't afford a new car. Secondhand X1. Oh, that's a good one. reliable bmws i think i don't know i don't know anything either i don't know i know so little about cars the whole experience has been absolutely so difficult for me when you're on the phone and they're asking you what you're looking for in a car and you're thinking color can't be the first thing I see. What colour did you get? Black. I just wanted a black.

Simple. Black or blue. Like nothing like. Or grey, silver, that sort. You know, like a purple one with eyelashes on the headlights or something like that. I basically don't want people to think that I'm a footballer. Do you know what I mean? That's the kind of.

Josh, stop me now. I don't think anyone ever will. One of the 66 boys. If you stood next to Pogba and Ronaldo, I don't think anyone would be confused which one was the footballers. Well, even if I had a white car. Yeah, even in a white Range Rover,

I think they'd know. That's a good family car, Josh. I mean, I'm having a bit of a car issue, basically, because now we do... I never really used... We had an old Micra that's a good family car josh x1 i mean i'm having a bit of car issue basically because now we do i never really used we had an old micra that's 15 years old and then we've got a nissan cash guy that's a bit newer it's about five or six years old and that's the family car and then the mic is basically the one we used to have when um lou like was a teacher and driving to and from school and stuff but i've had to drive more because you know there's not you can't go on public transport and stuff so i've been using this 15 year old micro and it is literally falling

apart the aircon i played golf last week on the hottest day of the year right yeah didn't get hot at all didn't burn i got stuck in a traffic jam as the sun was coming down in my face like even at the front the side of my head so i looked like i was like harvey dent like you down in my face, even at the front, the side of my head. So I looked like I was at Harvey Dent. You know, half my face was just like mutilated from the sun. And I had no air con and I got burnt in a traffic jam. And I was like, I've got to get another little car. Because we need two cars now, especially with the girls. When they start going like football or gymnastics and going off places.

And me, I need it for work as well. So I'm in the market for a new car as well, Josh. But an X1 might be a bit... Well, if this goes badly, if this goes badly, I'll sell you on the X1. Well, this... This is...

You're not going to believe it. Can you hear that? Yeah, what's he doing now? What is he doing now? It sounds like that Roll Ferris wobble board thing. It's his lunch break. He practices his wobble board at lunch break.

What? He's sawing something. He practices his wobble board at lunch break. What? He's sawing something. He's sawing something. Tell him to go for a walk. But surely he realises that that room is above the room that was causing the problems in the first place. How big is this piece of wood? Hang on.

I think he's going to turn your house into a detached house. I think he's got he's got to turn your house into a detached house. I think he's cutting straight through the wall all the way down. It will have value. He's done it.

I think he's No. You can't do it again. I mean, I've got to go up. How big's that wood? Right. I was hoping

that was going to be the end of it. It's not, Josh. He'll do something else. Okay, wait there. Unless he's doing polyfiller. Get him to do polyfiller. Yeah, could he not do like a bit of sweeping or something? Sweep? That'd be loud. Without the wood he's just cut.

Wait, I'm going to just let him get to the end of this piece of wood. What do you mean that's not how it works, Josh? Let him get to the end of this piece of wood. There'll be more wood. Right. Back in a minute. Off you go. Phil, Rob, for a minute.

Phil. I'll Phil. He's going to stop in here as soon as Josh goes. Well, Phil, now, what should we talk about? Let's talk about golf. Can someone please send me some free golf? No, I can't. I can't do that.

I don't want to be one of those guys. But I am looking at an electric car, which is what I'm going to tell Josh about in a minute, because I don't want to pay congestion charge to get into London. Oh, my God. I've become a boring old man. You're not going to believe this. What's he doing?

When I went in the room, I made him jump. He was so surprised to see me. He jumped out of his skin. You're quite a looming presence, though, Josh, aren't you? What did he think? Oh my God, is that Alan Shearer? Has he come in as brother? Dele Alli? So, he's

going to do the sawing outside, which is good. Yeah, fair enough. But the problem is the window's open, isn't it? He's just shaking it out in my earring, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it, Josh. So, we will... Oh, sorry, I'm all over the shop, but I'll just fill you in on the two, to go back to it, the two children's names that we heard.

Oh, yes, the Kittles. Yeah, the Kittles. My husband and I have four beautiful four-year-old twin girls, incredibly headstrong, inquisitive, lively, and in some instances... Incredibly headstrong is a warning flare for me. Yeah. I'd argue that friends wouldn't describe them as that. That's apparently kind, isn't it?

Yeah, that's spin, isn't it? That's spin. That's the PR machine in Overdrive there. Incredibly headstrong. Well, see how headstrong this sounds. The youngest twin was left alone in the living room for a short while after preschool we went through uh the palaver that was bedtime routine sat down to watch a bit of tv switched on the tv and it had black lines running down it she had broken the tv it was the youngest twin who was using the tv unit as the balancing beam head-butted the TV and broke it.

We purchased a new TV. My husband set it up on Saturday. Our oldest twin didn't want to be left out. On Monday after preschool, while we were upstairs, I looked around the living room and the new TV screen looked like it's snowing. The oldest twin had broken the TV. Oh my God. We have had to purchase yet another TV, which is going to be installed on a bracket high up. So no one can touch it. Thank God they didn't have triplets. So there's headbutting tellies. That is,

that is headstrong. You can't get a stronger head than that. Can you? Nothing to tell you. So thank you to Hannah and her headstrong twins for that. We've got lots of great emails. We will go through them on our Friday episode. Yes.

And I'll update you on my children's sleeping pattern. I'll explain the ins and outs, but the bottom line is there was five days in a row when I went to bed at 9.30 p.m. and woke up at 5.30 a.m., which I would like to call the four worst days of my life. And I'll fill you in on it on Friday. I look forward to it.

If you want to get in touch with us, this is how. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. So our guest this week, Chris Ramsey, comedian, podcaster with his wife, Rosie Ramsey. And they've got their book coming out in September called Shagged, Married, Annoyed, as the same title as their podcast. Available for pre-order now from all good bookshops and the internet. But don't do Amazon, maybe. I mean, why am I getting involved in that?

I used to work at Waterstones and I am fully behind them still. Yeah, do Waterstones. Yeah, it's fine. They charge £5.50 for a birthday card, but buy their books as well. It's absolutely fine, £5.50 for a card. Why am I stuck on Waterstones? Sorry, lads. What am I doing here?

Chris Ramsey. Here he is. Hello, Chris Ramsey. Thanks for coming on the show. How's it going? Over the moon to be here. Thank you so much for having us, lads. How are you doing, Chris Ramsey. Thanks for coming on the show. How's it going? Over the moon to be here. Thank you so much for having us, lads. How are you doing, Chris?

There's three of you in the house, right? Yes, there's three of us. I'll be honest with you. At times, it's a lot. It is a lot. And I've really made an error because I've somehow made myself a favourite parent. Oh, wow.

How old's your boy? He's four. Four, okay your boy? He's four. Four, okay. Yeah, he's four. Favourite parent, normally great. During lockdown, nah, it's not always cracked up to be like... Nah, yeah, of course. Your trademark likeability's come back to bite you on the arse, Chris. And I never

thought it would. I never thought it would. Honestly, I might even drop the accent, see if that puts him off. Yeah, you have to change your whole comedy persona to get some sleep. Chris Ramsey's a moody one-liner comic now, you know. A goth.

I do not find, like, having a kid, like, having a sort of a child that can do a few things for herself, but not much. Like, he's still, you know, he can like having a kid, like having a sort of a child that can do a few things for the self, but not much. Like he's still, you know, he can make himself a juice, but I'd rather,

I'd rather make it than clear up his attempt at making juice. Do you know what I mean? Do you not find that you're just like, you're kind of like a waiter in a restaurant, but there's not many people in, like there's a couple of tables in. So it's not rammed. You're not rushed off your feet, but the minute there's a couple of tables in. So it's not rammed. You're not rushed off your feet.

But the minute there's a couple of tables in, the minute you think you can sit down, the one-summing. Like, that's basically the best we can describe what it's like being

a father or a parent of a toddler. Well, I've got a four-year-old and I'm at a point now where I'm just like, surely you can make yourself a sandwich, can't you?

Like, you sort of get at one point, four? It's been four years. When do you start doing your own lunch? Why can't I do it again? Hey, I've got to hand it to my son, Robin, right? The other day, I went upstairs.

My wife was getting ready and we were sitting chatting upstairs and he was downstairs and I thought he was just watching TV, sort of settled. And then he came up with a chocolate spread sandwich, like a Nutella sandwich. And I looked at him and I i went have you just made that and he went yeah i went really he went yeah and i looked at my wife and i was like did you make that she went no i went right so i went downstairs expecting carnage um he'd got a chopping board out

he'd got the bread out he'd got a knife out and he got the spread and he'd done the whole thing and the only thing that was left is he hadn't put the bread back in the cupboard i couldn't believe it i was like there is light at the end of this tunnel this is incredible just a week's detention for leaving the bread out oh yeah definitely yeah you can you can eat 40 chocolate spread sandwiches i made them eat loads at the same time like when you when you catch them smoking are you quite strict are you a strict parent or because i can't imagine you telling telling him off, because you're so happy-go-lucky and chilled. How do you deliver a telling off when you're, you know? I don't like doing it.

I really don't like doing it. I don't think any parent... I mean, if you sit here and go, I love telling my kids off, it's the best part of my day. You've got some problems, like. But I just kind of have stern words. I don't really like shouting, but he just doesn't listen. I mean, you've met me.

You've been in places with me. Like, imagine me, but four. Like, he doesn't stay still. He doesn't concentrate. He doesn't listen. So sometimes you've got to go, hey. So that's me. My favorite one is, hey.

And then you sort of look, and then you go, right, sorry, son, and then you carry on. But we're very much, you know, me and my wife, Rosie's, she's really, really good with him. Like she's much, I see her doing things and I go, yeah, I should have handled it like that the other day when, you know, when I was showing me and him, we're both crying. Like I just, what she's got is a lovely little technique

where you'll do a little bit of a telling off and you'll sort of sit there sad. And then it's like, right, should I have a cuddle now? And then the cuddle comes and then, so I always, I think I try, I'm quite needy though,

I try to move on to the cuddle too early. I'm like, put that down, cuddle. And he's like, no. I'm still on the time out step dad.

I just want the cuddle immediately. I'm like, come on, please. Please love me. Just need to be loved. Yeah. Well,

it's a thing, comedians are needy and do need that attention they want you know to be liked so it's hard when you've got to be

the bad cop and how's it working in your house and so like we've been looking after the kids it's been different in lockdown obviously

because you've not been working but normally are you working full time and Rosie I know Rosie does a podcast

even she's on you know social media and things like that but has she got a job as well as that or is it no well is she more the childcare she is yeah she's basically been media and things like that. Has she got a job as well as that, or is she more the childcare?

She is, yeah. She's basically been. It's been really strange for Rosie because before she started, we kind of got together and she was sort of doing singing and doing a bit of presenting and stuff locally. And then what happened was when we had Robin, she'd just got a job on Capital Northeast, but then she sort of packed in Capital to have him

and then went back and then she felt like she went back too early. So she kind of stopped doing that. And then I basically toured for essentially three years nonstop and she was at home with Robin. Last year, we did the podcast. She got really big on Instagram.

She starts getting all over the things. Yeah, the podcast is huge, isn't it? It's one of the biggest in the country. We can't believe it. Honestly, we're over the moon. It is just me and her talking, just talking about our shit in the kitchen. the podcast is huge, isn't it? It's one of the biggest in the country. We can't believe it. Honestly, we're over the moon. It is just me and her just talking about our shit in the kitchen.

Are you doing an arena tour with it? Yeah, we're going to... That's unbelievable, wasn't it? When that's allowed again, when we're allowed to go out, we'll hopefully be breaking the world record for the biggest live podcast

because we sold out Wembley in like a day. Amazing. Wembley Arena. Amazing. I mean, it's amazing, but it's just hanging there as a balance.

Who's going to do your childcare, Chris? You're both working. Honestly, right? We've been locked down for so much. When we're going to leave again, I'm honestly not bothered who I leave them with. I might just put them in a bin and just, honestly, I'm not going to, you know, normally you go,

don't let them stay with their grandparents too long because, you know, they let them get away with murder. And honestly, he's going to, I'm going to take my mum and dad's house. I'm going to drop them off. I'm going to drop off a couple of GCSE revision books. He's sued for prom when he goes to prom when he's just go look come back let us know how you get on in your a-levels come back come come back and see your dad

but basically it's really been really strange for rosie because she was essentially in lockdown years ago while she just had a child and i was on tour and she had no identity and not knowing what to do and last year you did the podcast and she did everything and it's it's sort of all came crushing back for rosie because it's now like right you're back at home you've got a toddler and you can't go anywhere so it's kind of all went back so i've been trying my hardest to take the lion's share while you know while we've been uh in lockdown plus i'm essentially unemployed apart from the podcast and she's still got lots of stuff to do on instagram and things so she's she's doing a lot of adverts and a lot of things every day it's twitched around now really you're the caregiver uh yeah it's completely swept it swapped on its head i've weirdly wrote

like the idea for a script about that happening ages ago and i couldn't come up with the idea of why it would happen and i was like oh lockdown made it happen it's literally made it with a bread winner she's literally earning money and I'm not. How do you feel like, to a bit feel like this is, because I presumably kind of never imagined that this would happen. Are you loving it or are you missing working? Do you know what? Basically, I've always wanted more time at home

and I've always said, right, after this year, at the end of every tour, I'll get drunk in Newcastle Arena or and i'll go right i'm having the year off i want to see my family and then you know my management phone and go we've got this and i go of course and i'm going to do whatever the thing is yeah but i've always months of strictly yeah that was supposed to be a year off last year was supposed to be a year off and i was strictly and i was away for yeah like they go oh you can train at home you can't train at home they never let you train at home you've got to go to london every five minutes um but yeah so it's i've always wanted time off and i've always wanted more time at home and christ alive this is not how i wanted it and it's not how i pictured it but i have to when i because we all

have let's be honest here we're all having days where sometimes you just don't want to get out of bed you're like what is the point in this i never thought i'd miss soft play but there's part of us there's part of us i say oh god i would give anything to go back there now but yeah it's it's i'm trying to look on the bright side of it and every time if i get down if i get annoyed if i get a bit short with robin i just try and think right look this isn't going to last forever you know we're either going to you know the lockdowns ease and as we go touch wood it's going to keep going or they're going to find a vaccine god everything crossed so that people you know can sort of act what normal whatever normal is again in public and hopefully come to gigs because my thought has been i don't know if you guys have thought this

what's going to happen if they go ah yeah okay you can go to theaters now it's still around but you can go to theaters i mean we've had tough gigs where half the crowd aren't feeling it. I can't imagine what a gig's going to be like when half of them are fearing for their fucking lives. Do you know what I mean? I'm joking, innit? Half of them are fearing for their lives. You can't hear half of them laughing

because they've got fucking masks on. I'd rather there was a vaccine, if I'm totally honest with you. Of course. Do you want to go, let's go to Wembley Arena to see the podcast and maybe die or just sit at home and listen to it. Yeah, exactly. You know, they release it on Friday with no health scares.

All right, okay, good, yeah. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind.

So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Navigating adulting isn't always easy. You're not just working, you're working late. And dinner dates are all, what's your five-year plan? And you're thinking, paying off the bill for this fancy pants meal probably. So, when you need to

break free from responsibility and experience something that feels more you, reach for craft dinner. Because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love, that's when it's got to be KD. When you got to do you, it's got to be KD. Shop now. How was it though, look there with Robin? Was it all right? Was it fun? Or was there any disasters? You know, the main one has been, right? And I can't blame him because he hasn't done it on purpose. But sometimes, you know,

sometimes when your kid does something and you think, is this a wind up? Have they been sent? I'm not the whole oldest thing in the world is that they've been sent to test you. But sometimes he does things. And I think this is specifically being orchestrated to piss me off, like specifically.

So obviously lockdown happens. We've got to stay at home. We don't know what we're doing for the foreseeable. He's going to have more screen time. He's four. He's going to watch more telly. He's going to watch more iPads. No word of a lie.

The first day of lockdown, I had him on the telly for about, he was watching telly for about 10, 20 minutes, and I stood in front of him, and I looked at him, and one of his eyes was moving into the middle. He started going cross-eyed the first day, the first day. literally went oh that's not more screen time what's that the opticians are shut right here we go time to go cross-eyed it's been it's because you look at him and he's sitting his left eye goes into the middle and you look at him and you go i feel guilty for you watching this you're sitting you're sitting watching tom and jerry or whatever and i'm like

this is bad this is is really, really worrying. And, you know, we've been trying to get him referred to specialists and all kinds, but I just think, I just really think he did it on purpose. I just really think. This is getting your head. And like, just the whole thing, you just, you feel, it's just everything is heightened. Everything has been heightened during the lockdown.

And it's, you know, honestly, Rob, just there when when you said what was it like during lockdown and you sort of mentioned it in the past tense i nearly cried with with joy there when you said it yeah and it was like slight past tense yeah because it is sort of easing now and we'll do a bit more things and oh it's just been it's been really he's my best mate and it's lovely to be with him and have so much time with him but freaking else oh you just wish there was a pause button i just wish i could go right pause for one second because he started playing on the the switch we started playing on basically i walked in the living room one day and he was watching youtube kids and he was watching someone play on mario odyssey and i was like you know i've got that i was like you know we can we can play on that so his mind was blown that he could sit and play on

mario odyssey with me and at first yeah it was great man and it's such a lovely gentle game but it's also it's one it's genuinely i think one of the best computer games ever made mario it's incredible it's incredible on all levels right and i was it starts off he just sits and watches you and you're like well this is this is a dream he's just watching us play this is just the greatest thing in the world this is like your mate's house but they never want a shot and then it's daddy can i have a turn and then i've just got to sit biting my lip while he's just walking mario into a fucking wall for 45 minutes you know what i mean to give him a control that doesn't work and you pretend because i'll do that oh my god oh my god that's a mate right i'm gonna order one today i'm gonna order another control there you go and then you're playing and then you're

going oh well done you're doing well robin look you just did that is um you know i don't i'm gonna get frustrated though because he'll be going i want him to walk into the wall and he's not doing that oh god but yeah it's the turning it off, though. It's going, right, that's enough Mario now, finished. And he's like, but no. But Mario's still there. Why are we turning it off? And it's just World War III every time we turn it off.

So I played the, there's a Sonic, Tokyo Olympics Sonic game. Yeah. And I was playing that with my daughters, four. And it's basically, it's really like for kids. So they're just a shaker controller and it makes their character run. Anyway, so she beat me on it a couple of times. Then I beat her. And she went into full meltdown because she lost.

She's a terrible, terrible loser. And she cannot cope. And even like whenever there's a running race or something, she doesn't want to win. She cheats. So she'll say to a two-year-old, ready, steady, and then run just before doesn't want to win. She cheats. So she'll say to a two-year-old, ready, steady, and then run just before go and has to win.

And I just, I don't know what we're doing because it's awful. It's sort of like, you know, when you see documentaries about like athletes in the highest level that are successful. She's Michael Jordan. Yeah, you're an awful person. Yeah, well, you've got,

you're going to have to toe the line here, aren't you? Between make her a competitive sporting genius and make her bearable to be around for other children when this lockdown finishes. Yeah, not an awful nightmare horror child. But you know, in 20 years, Rob, she could be starring in Space Jam. She could have six NBA titles. Is Rob back at school or nursery or anything?

Or is he not yet? The nurseries are going to start letting them back in in bubbles, I think. Bubbles of six, they said. Okay. Groups of six, one morning and one afternoon. And I think that's going to happen shortly. I think that's going to happen in the next few weeks or so.

I'm not sure. Be honest with you, I let Rosie deal with all that. All right. I've got no idea. Yeah, I'm honest. I said that to you there, and I realised I was just repeating something I heard her say to someone on the phone you've got no idea just things I've heard yeah the Nintendo switch is where my expertise begin and end as a parent what's he like as a child

then does he um has he been an easy child as a parent or do you think you've got a kind of child that's kind of intense and I think he is possibly one of the most intense children. But again, you've met me, you know. And Rosie's not quiet either, is she? Rosie's not quiet. Yeah, she's not a shy, retiring wallflower either. So it's like he is us. He is basically us.

I mean, Rosie's an amazing singer. She's such a good singer. And when I started, you know, when we first got together, you'd hear her singing now and then around the house, and you'd be like, oh, that's lovely. And people think, oh, does she sing around the house? And you'd go, yeah, you know, now and then you can hear her just humming out a little melody or whatever, and it's great.

But sometimes she will full-on begin to belt out, like, a show number from another room, and it literally sounds like someone's screaming, like when you can't hear it. So he's got that to sort of contend with he's got my sort of non-stop talking and loudness and then if me and her are having some kind of heated debate i don't know if your kids do this but not an argument because we don't argue in front of him really but if we're having like a you know oh well you said that i know well you said that kind of wind each other up he just goes okay so we're playing who can Be The Loudest Dickhead, are we?

And he'll just start screaming and going crazy. Do you know what I mean? Do you think it's more intentional just to be a part of it? Sometimes he runs and gets his drum kit. Like, just because he's like, oh, it's loud time. Is it loud time? Is it boop, boop, boop, boop, boop? Craziness.

But he's a loving, really, really, genuinely loving, lovely little boy. And I'm so proud of him for how lush he is. But, you know, like anything, it's like anything with parenting. You know,

if I came on this podcast now and I just talked about how much I loved him, you'd be like, well, that's nice, but that was wet. Yeah, that was wet. I've always said this.

I remember I got a tweet once from someone saying, you're just slagging your kid off and i was like well i can't just go on about how much i love him but that's that's taken as read yeah that's a given of course i love him i have to that's quite telling yeah maybe do you and rosie ever disagree about parenting is there anything that sort of crops up where you've disagreed on how something should be done or are you quite on the same page i stopped um i stopped sort of trying to fight that battle a long time ago and she's genuinely just better than me i've said it before

me stand up she's just a better human being than me and i know that sounds like i've been institutionalized by her during lockdown and i'm now just her mouthpiece um but she's just really good she worked in nurseries back in the day as well, and she's just really, really good with kids. So like I say, it's, yeah. But, you know, sometimes I feel like going, well, if you're so good, you do it all, all the time, 24-7. But it doesn't work like that. That's a bonus though, isn't it?

The nursery skill. So she can call on that at any point. Yeah, she can. That's like having a professional living in your house to help you. Absolutely, yeah. For me, because Lou's a teacher secondary school teacher anything comes with education I just walk out the room yeah there's literally no point me doing any of this you're the education person when it comes to schools teaching the homework

that is your field off you go if they need to speak to someone I'll sort them out or do if they've got to ring someone up or speak to someone in public I'll do that you do teaching and you just tap out so it must be the same for you with the nursery yeah well i used to what i used to do i'll just remember this this used to be our main pet peeve this used to be the main thing that rosie always had a go at us for and quite rightly really i used to if she was telling them off i would kind of chime in as well like a hype man like i mean i'd like it would be like bad cop bad cop and i'd like chiming as well she'd be like robin put that down get down off there i'd be like get down put that do what your mom says and she's like i don't need you to chime in and do this so now i just leave the room if he's having

if he's being told off i just have to walk away because there's a part of us that i'm like look i'm helping and it's like you're not helping Chris. You're making it much worse and you're stressing him out. Yeah. Crazy. He's like ganging up, like, yeah, I could be a good parent too. I'll just do what you do. Am I right in saying, so Robin's lost, he lost his front teeth, didn't he? Oh, God, yeah.

So basically he had one of them, you know, the balance bikes where there's no pedals, they just run. They're basically running on a bike. He had one of them from, you balance bikes where there's no pedals they just run yeah they're basically running on a bike he had one of them from you know as old as you allowed one i think it was two just before two you allowed them and he had one and he was he was amazing on it but he was amazing at the point of he didn't understand fear like he got so good on this and he was just like and it was like everyone used to say my god he's fantastic on that and it's a real bone of contention, right? So there's this place in South Shields called the Amphitheatre. It's an open air performance space down on the sea front

that they do like little festivals there in the summer. And it's got an under walkway bit that's covered over. Now the floor of that is tiled, right? But there's sort of sand everywhere because it's windy, it's the north. So he's coming down this hill that's paved, and then it goes under the tiled floor bit and turns to the right. And what did it, he's only little, and I'm running alongside him on this bike,

and my heart's in my throat. It's terrifying, right? And Rosie's just sitting watching me. And he went down, and I went, right, I don't think we should do this again. He went, one more. I went, right, one more. He did three times. Three's a magic number.

I let him do three. I went, there we go. That's it. And he started crying. He went, I want to do it again. And Rosie went, let him do this again. He went, one more. I went, right, one more. He did three times. Three's a magic number. I let him do three. I went, there we go, that's it. And he started crying. He went, I want to do it again. And Rosie went, let him do it again. And I said the words, no, he nearly fell. It's dangerous. And she said, do it again.

Go on, just let him do it again. And we did it again. And on that one, he's got too much sand on his wheel. He slipped and his face hit the deck and he bought these front teeth. He snapped his two front teeth in half. And it was the worst, one of the worst moments of my life.

Like without a doubt, like he just hit the deck and he lifted his face up and it was just blood all over his face and two bits of his teeth were missing. And Rosie handled it like a champ and I was flapping. Like, oh my God. Of course you were, Rosie. I'm was flapping. Oh, what are you doing?

I'm like, oh, my God. Of course you are, mate. Oh, my God, Rosie. His teeth, his boogies, teeth. Oh, God. She was like, calm down. Go and get the car. And I ran.

Like, I've never ran to the car park. Got the car. Literally screeched around the corner. I had to jump in the car. We drove off. She was like, calm your driving down, or we're going to crash on the way to the hospital, you idiot. So we drove up there to the hospital.

We had a look at it. We went to the dentist the day after. They sort of filled them in. But then all these gums were like, they went a bit black and all these gums were really lumpy and stuff. So it was basically getting infected and he got them taken out. Wow. And does it affect him in any way?

Absolutely not. They're just so resilient. And I don't know where he gets it from. I'm a wimp. And he is literally the one of the hardest people I've ever met in my life. He's like nails. It's unbelievable. Does Rosie refute that story then?

Or is it a given that she said one more time and you stopped? All the years I've known you and you don't believe me. Well, what is this? No, I'm not saying it. I'm on your side here. But if we get Rosie on the podcast, will she say it differently? Or is it a given in the family? She's busy.

She can't come on your podcast. Do not contact her. We're going to bring her out now like I'm surprise, surprise. I feel like Keir Starmer. Let me just clarify the point here. If we had Rosie on the show, would she say that she said, go again, and you said it's dangerous?

Would she agree? She will. She will agree, but she will then probably put forward the point that I should have just caught him like I did the previous three times. Fair enough. I mean, we've had that argument a lot.

But what was interesting about what happened was, we took him to Newcastle, to the RVI hospital, to get the teeth taken out, right? And it was so strange. I had to kind of drop him at one door, and then he went in with the nurse and sort of put him under anaesthetic and pulled the teeth out. And we had to walk around this kind of one-way corridor.

You kind of dropped him off, and then you walked around the other way, and then he came out at the other end like a conveyor belt, like dropping your luggage at the airport but like really did you uh did you tie something around him so you'd recognize him when he came around i cling filmed him like when people do come around right and honestly right we got around we're so worried i think i was probably crying i'm a disgrace but i was walking around and he came out and he was sitting eating both front teeth gone sitting eating jelly on the nurse's knee and she was like i can't believe it she was like literally we'll put a

tiny bit of the gas to just to chat did they even do the gas i can't remember but they didn't have to properly put him asleep they just did it and it was out and there's other kids screaming and he was just sitting there eating a little tub of jelly, just buzzing. And he was, honestly, we hadn't realized. But he was a different kid once I got them taken out. He was all good. You love Taco Bell after a night out, but the new Cantina Chicken menu from Taco Bell hits different during the day.

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Order up for Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. The same thing happened to my daughter, but not as traumatic as that. She fell over and banged her two front teeth and they're a bit wobbly. We took her to the dentist and they said they'll either firm up or fall out. So they fell out when she was six months ago. Sorry, that's a very gung-ho attitude. I hate it when medical professionals just expect you to be as cool as they are with stuff like that.

Oh, they'll firm up a fallout. No! Yeah, you'll have a live or die. Good luck with it. I know, but they did fall out. So she hasn't had two front teeth for like about six months, and she's only four and a half, so it's another year. It could be another two years.

Yeah. Until she has it. And so I forget, but you know, she's going to look completely different when she gets all her teeth back. But after a sweepstake and who's come through first, Chris? Well,

the best bit is man, like obviously, you know, the oldest phrase in the book, when you see a little boy with no teeth, you see people, strangers say, Oh,

have you been kissing the girls who lost your front teeth? And he always properly loudly goes, no, I fell off my bike. And you're like, oh, shut up, man. Just say yes. Just say the fellow, man. Chris, obviously you've said that you're a bit of a flapper and a bit emotional and rosy, you know, a bit more level-headed with stuff like that.

How did you find the birth? Were you there for the birth? And was it like, how did you cope? Because i found it very difficult and very stressful when you lose all sort of control because there's nothing you can do to help yeah there was that i mean it is the most helpless and pathetic you'll feel as a as a man in in the whole world there's nothing you can do um and i remember at one point during the so rosie was really shown really big like robin was a huge bump and we went for a scan

and they didn't know if it was like sort of water retention and stuff or if he was actually genuinely massive they did a really weird thing again it was kind of like

firm up or fall out they were like well he's either eight pound or eleven pound and I was like fuck you need a new machine like that's that's your thing

like that's your parameters like what the hell so he's either quite big or fucking huge like so she didn't want a c-section they said you can have a c-section said she'll try normally um again as a man i'll never understand that um do you know what i mean like do you want that out now or do you want to like possibly sit for 36 hours in agony um now is now okay um but you know anyway i mean it's a big thing to be fair it's afterwards and you can barely move in that but anyway she um i went out halfway through the kind of she was induced and everything i had to go out and like sit in the corridor and have a little cry uh and then she ended up having to have a c-section because he was um he was 10 pound 11 and a half oh wow that's how big

he was which is i never had a frame of reference for how big kids were ever until i realized telling people that i always get that reaction people always just go yeah i mean there is a frame of reference and that's not on the frame of reference that's a big old baby yeah but um she had to get a c-section in the end and and like they were like oh you're gonna stand this side and i was like no chance are you getting me business end like no chance i had my like forehead on her forehead up the kind of hold the gown up like uh you know when you're you're getting changed at the beach and you can't hold it so they kind of hold it up in front of

your faces and then you're doing whatever down there and you can hear suction and blooming and all kinds of crap and uh they got him out and he was that big they were genuinely just like pissing themselves laughing and like shouting of other like midwives and nurses and going look at look at the size of this one and i'm going is it a boy or a girl like what and they're going oh yeah it's a boy but look at the size of him and it was amazing were they holding him up like like when they catch a big fish like getting their photo taken a few of them

they've got a crane but it's mad though because it's such a big moment for the couple but in the maternity ward it's just another one that's popped out isn't it

oh 100% yeah yeah it's like Subway where they're making the sandwiches and it's just out and they wrap it up and it's gone

the other end do you know what I mean a conveyor belt of get them out but it was I mean it was still amazing one of the most you know it's one of the conveyor belt of get them out. But it was still amazing. It's one of the maddest emotional roller coasters.

And I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for the woman going through every emotion that you go through, but then the physical trauma. I mean, I don't know how the head's going to explode. It's unbelievable. Lou, the first one, Lou didn't have any pain relief whatsoever. I mean, that's just showing off. She's only six pounds, though, the baby. Literally half the size of yours.

But, you know, I still say no pain relief of a six-pounder. That's it for she. Still, that's just incredible, man. I've said this millions of times. If men were in charge of having babies, there'd be no one. We wouldn sitting here now the first bloke would have went fuck that and that would have been it um chris thanks so much yeah it's been an absolute pleasure do you know what i found that a very positive experience chris i it seems like you're in a very happy house yeah we are not genuinely i know what can take the mick and you know i can say it's been a nightmare and blah blah

blah but we all you know we are we're all closer as a family because of this. At the end of the day, he's enjoyed seeing his mom and obviously me more because I was supposed to be on tour the whole time. Like the entire time of this, I was supposed to be on tour. I have enjoyed, you know, spending more time with Rosie. Don't tell her though, because, you know, she'll hold it against us. Weirdly, we got our book book finished which I don't think we would have done if I was on tour

my plan was to tour while writing a book with my wife which would have just been a nightmare but we finished it so you two are just going wow

this is I'm not going to lie to you Chris this is exactly what we weren't looking for you've ruined my day no I'll tell you what though you two can't get a divorce

though can you it's everything the podcast will stop the book will stop dude we are locked in we are locked in big style now that's everything. The podcast will stop. The book will stop. Dude, we are locked in. We are locked in. Big style now, like. That's not true.

The podcast will double in popularity if they carry it on Divorced. What a list on that one. Oh, yeah. Imagine that. They'll just split off into two.

Team Rosie, Team Chris. I've told her before, we'll do, can you remember when Outcast fell out and they did that double album where there was a front

on each side? We'll just do that. You should, you should do a fake splitting up. If rating's dip, Chris, that's a great way to go. Just like a fake separation from it.

We'll have to get, we'll have to get Rosie on to check all your stories out, Chris. Great. Yeah. It should be wonderful. Yeah. Brilliant to meet you,

Chris. Thanks so much. That was Chris Ramsey. I genuinely think Chris would be a lovely dad to have. Yeah, he's so energetic and chipper, isn't he? Yeah. I can't imagine Chris being down. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Or angry. Also, I know Chris pretty well. When kids do stuff that's a bit naughty, normally it is funny. But it's so hard not to laugh when they do something. So I think he's a bit like me where you know you should be telling them off, but you can't help cracking up. So it's so hard to sort of do any discipline.

That description of the tooth breaking accident sounds, I suppose it's the kind of thing that like, it's your worst nightmare as a parent in a way, isn't it? Yeah. That moment when you must watch that happen and then the trip to hospital with the kid. Oh my God. It's awful, isn't it?

You just sort of, the thought of just like the teeth, seeing his poor face with the teeth hanging out and blood everywhere. You're like, oh no. It's lucky it happened with his first teeth. That's the, is that how you felt when your daughter lost her first teeth? Yeah.

I mean, yeah, i mean yeah it is what it is you can't get too worked up about it so but luckily it was less traumatic for us so it was more like oh yeah they've fallen out it's a two fairy yeah you know like you would when they're six so yeah she's just you know what was the phrase that your dentist used oh they'll firm up or fall out thank you very much it sounds like something alan sugar would say at the end like in the boardroom now time synergy you lost the task it's time to firm up or fall out you're fired it'll be good to speak to rosie as well because i've got the feeling chris has got absolutely no idea what's happening with robin's nursery he literally he admitted it he panicked he went i've got no idea i overheard rosie say. So it'd be quite interesting to know.

That shows how laid back Chris is. Because I was across every news story about nursery opening times. Every email we got. There isn't a bit of information I didn't devour in the last two months about nurseries. You treated it like transfer rumours. Sources all over the place. Sources say, just Googling on random French websites. You know, the countdown clock on Sky, I had one of them to the moment it reopened.

Bedline day. They were just all those people stood outside school. We're joined here at the nursery school. We've seen a few teachers come and go. It's looking likely that may be a decision on Monday morning. Leaning out my window of my car, talking about whether I'm taking my daughter to nursery. We're going to try and get a kid into nursery in the last minute.

We'll see what happens. We'll go from there. Cheers, Harry. Do you know the worst thing? We come back to football again, so I think we should stop the chat. Yeah, let's stop chatting. Thank you for listening, everyone.

Thank you very much. If you want to get in touch, this is how you get in touch. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. Thank you for listening. It's been an absolute pleasure. We'll be back again in a few days. Goodbye.

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