Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP2: Jon Richardson

Episode Date: April 30, 2020

Joining us in the studio this week to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown is comedian Jon Richardson.   If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @lockdownparent  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives. The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at Michigan.org. See yourself buying a home one day? Do future you a favor? Open a Questrade first home savings account and help that future come faster.

The FHSA is a tax-free account where all your investment gains are yours to keep and put towards your first home. With Questrade, you can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at Questrade.com. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett.

Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, this is Josh Whittacombe. Hello, Rob Beckett. How are you? I'm very well, Josh Whittacombe. How are you? Were you not expecting me to throw to you this episode? You seemed very nervous about me bringing you in so early. That wasn't nerves. That was me trying to be a bit professional. But yeah, I'm all right. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm full of beans.

I'm loving life. Good. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting How. Thank you, everyone who listened to the first episode with Catherine. It was a pleasure to have her on. Today, we are joined by the brilliant John Richardson. We will come to that, though. First, Rob.

Yes. How have your few days been? Good in a way. I i mean it was incredible thank you to all the people listening first of all before we get on to the negative parts of my children but second in the podcast charts that's amazing isn't it who is it louis ferrou number one yeah we'll do it we'll do it we'll do it by the worst thing this this is a low moment for me so i clicked on the lou Theroux one that was number one. He was interviewing John Ronson. And I thought I'd really like to listen to that,

but I don't want to give him the numbers. I don't want to give him the numbers if that's what tips him over. Don't give him the numbers. Radio 4, Louis Theroux, what's his name? Ronson, Mark Ronson, wherever he is, he can do one. No one cares about you, mate. Back off. That's our chart.

We're taking number one. If they could send me the rushes of that so I could listen to it without giving them the extra click towards upwards in the iTunes chart, that would be ideal for me. Thank you. Yeah. But the rest of our week, how's that been? Well, Rob, should we start with a voice memo you sent me?

Oh, yes. Let's do that. I was upstairs having a little chill. Lucy, go and have a little lie down. I've been a bit stressed today, just bits and bobs. Rob, can you help me? Come downstairs. The two-year-old's in the potty. Yeah, basically, Rob, I've just trod in her shit.

I've got her in the potty trying to get the rest out, but somewhere around the house in the garden there is human shit, so can you find it? So that's what I'm up to now, just have a little look for some human shit. I think that should be a regular thing, Rob. We should do a regular feature, and our producer

will sort out some kind of theme tune, Rob Beckett's Dispatches from the Frontline. I've got like a bulletproof vest and press written on it all around my garden. Dodging nuggets. I've got to ask you, Rob, did you find the shit? Well, so basically, I forgot I sent you that, actually.

You sort of brought back sort of PTSD memories for me. But no, I didn't. But I did find what was a weird brown lump in the garden. But I've got a serious pigeon problem in my garden which i don't know if i've spoken to you about on this show no not on this show no well so basically lou gave the kids some bird feed to feed the birds but didn't tell them to put them in at the back or in a pot or on a bird feeder she just free reign so the kids scattered bird feed over their entire garden like the bottom

of a hamster cage and now my garden resembles trafalgar square in the mid-90s there are pigeons everywhere it's like they've been telling their mates so i don't know if it was pigeon droppings you've turned into the woman from home alone too yeah yeah yeah that's me how about you as it can for you it's not as bad oh yesterday i found an empty bag of marbles in the sitting room oh yeah and i couldn't find any of the marbles and basically today i reckon it's a bit like walking in a minefield where you don't know whether you're going to step on a mine at any point i reckon i've stepped on three marbles i can't because they're see-through glass marbles. So my sitting room's now a kind of danger zone

whenever I walk anywhere. Is your daughter Kevin McAllister? She's McCauley Culkin and I'm the pigeon lady. Feels like snakes on a plane. You just don't know where these things are, but you know they're out there. Well, I've got a similar problem. My daughters keep hiding and stealing stuff.

They have, I've got, for some some reason three sky remotes in the front room from different times where like we've lost them and bought another one right my eldest i don't i don't know which one has taken all the batteries out and hidden them i came downstairs after bedtime to find three remote controls with no batteries in and i've never been angrier. And it's a first-world problem. I had to watch Netflix. I could use my PS4 controller. How degrading is that? So that is a low moment. When my daughter was like, she was about one,

and she'd really got into using the remote, did you have this where, like, they just wouldn't leave the remote alone because they know it's something important to you? And so I decided for Christmas, I went on amazon and i bought like a dummy remote control yeah like another remote to give to her for christmas and she didn't but she didn't fucking bite at all she knew she knew it didn't how did she know that remote has no power on the TV, but the Sky one and the Sony one or whatever it is. Dude, I don't understand. She can't talk, but she can differentiate

between different models of remote control. Yeah, and they will still use a DVD remote that you never use because they know it does something. There's a noise or a light. It's not even HDMI'd in anymore. There's a scar hanging out the back of your telly. But, like, they know it's fake even HDMI'd in anymore. There's a scar hanging out the back of your telly. But they know it's fake. It's weird.

On that, what are the things that you've bought your kids to get to distract them? Email in to hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk. The most pointless attempt to buy something for your kids to get them not to use what you want to use for yourself. Most pointless thing i ever bought was a tummy time machine which is basically a bit of plastic because your tummy time i'd forgotten about that it's a big deal for six months tummy time that is like an absolute game

changing situation where they don't go in their belly enough they can't look up at some point i don't know i remember there was a point in our life where that was going to be the making or breaking us as a family if we're not getting the tummy time in it's all gonna fall apart my life will fall apart we'll get evicted we'll be on can't pay take it away because we didn't do tummy time that sort of catastrophic thing yeah and it's a little thing you put them on but i've got a floor so i don't know why i bought this thing because if you want to do tummy time put them on the floor. But it's this bit of plastic they move around. They never went on it.

Did you get a sheep, one of those sheep that plays the noise to get them to sleep? That actually worked for us. Did it? Yeah, Ewan the sheep works. I've got a lot of respect. I've got a lot of time for Ewan.

I will not have... I will not have a word against Ewan. Another good tip is get a couple of Ewans. If they've got a favourite teddy, get a couple of them and swap them in because they either get smelly or dirty or you lose them. Oh, yeah. We had a backup Ewan. We've got four.

She calls it pop. It's like a kind of blanket that she holds for reassurance. We've got four exactly the same. And I'm thinking, how can you not differentiate these? But the remote controls are all over it. Yeah. How reassuring is it when you can you not differentiate these? But the remote controls are all over it. Yeah. How reassuring is it when you can have four interchangeable? She's got the technical knowledge of one of those people that helps you in Dixons.

It's unbelievable. Yeah. Get in touch if you've got anything on those. I haven't mentioned this, Rob, but I just want to talk to you about how jealous I am of my friend, Stu, who's living a dream life. of my friend Stu, who's living a dream life. The other day, he put on our WhatsApp group. So there's a few dads on there and a few people who aren't dads on there. It's mainly used for football, this WhatsApp group.

How does this reflect on your life, Rob? So he, right, last Sunday, he walked into central London from East London, took a photo on Berwick Street from the angle that is on the cover of What's The Story, Morning Glory, and then walked home. That was his Sunday. It sounds like he's having a breakdown, Josh. I don't think this is... This isn't like a story of a man's amazing life. What a waste of time.

This is what I want to be doing, Rob. He's having a 90s breakdown. Mate, I've built a career on having a 90s breakdown. Anyway, we'd like to hear from you so now it is time for the lockdown parenting post bag. It's the lockdown parenting mail bag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. Okay this is from Sarah Helliwell. Morning, Josh and Rob. I had to share.

So yesterday, a neighbour posted on a neighbourhood Facebook page that she was putting out a box to collect for the local food bank. I thought this was a lovely idea and began trying to explain the concept to my three-year-old. So off we went for our daily exercise with a bag full of tins and pasta. I placed them all in the box which was pretty much on the lady's doorstep and then the meltdown began my child said i don't want them to have done in that situation oh i mean it depends on the food if it's just like beans and like tomato soup and stuff you know the kids not that bothered about they think it's like pepper pig jellies i think that's child abuse imagine that

loads of haribo and sweets all their favorite stuff but i think it's tense because she said i had to pretty much wrestle him away from the box kicking and screaming about his sweet corn hoping that no one was watching that's the situation you find yourself in with these kids isn't it because you can't explain obviously you can't explain these situations to them three's too young to sort of explain the fact that people are really struggling. They can't afford to buy food. And that's why people that can need to band together. So I always go down there just feeding a load of rubbish.

This stuff tastes horrible. We don't want it. Let them have it. Yeah, because people do say you should like, you've got to be honest in these situations. I don't think, you can't go, you've got to understand there's been 10 years of Tory cuts and it's really hitting the people yeah that's you can't say that to a three-year-old let me tell you back to the 2008 financial crash now that's where this all really

i i tell you what i am um my friend tom he was one of my best men so he's a he's a wonderful man you you'd agree he's a wonderful man right great guy he's got a child who's younger than mine who is already at the age of 18 months get this the kid is requesting when they go on iPlayer to watch football I thought you was gonna say like they're reading or something but no no I can give a shit about that mate his kids they went on iPlayer to watch something special right and his kid pointed at the football because they've been in the park playing football and was like can we watch that and he watched france v argentina from the 2018 world cup in full i'll show you something special mate look at the way mbappe burst forward oh wow that i am jealous of that yeah yeah i don't care

if someone could do a puzzle that's two years older than them. No, no. We all have the power to shape the world. We're connected to the world we share, to each other. I am future. I wait in the world of Echo. Discover the extraordinary with Echo, the spectacular new show by Cirque du Soleil.

Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. The world is yours to create. Echo thanks its presenting partners Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and Mastercard. Hello darlings, this is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests.

And, of course, they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. Can I tell you a funny story about Tom Crane? Yeah. When I organised a charity gig for Arsenal Football Club and he was supposed to be the opening act.

Alex Brooker was hosting, doing the MC work, right? And he was supposed to be bringing on Tom Crane. But out of nowhere, within about a minute, Tom Crane's elbows had swollen to the size of a child's skull. But all big, globulous, big, lumpy elbows. And he was like, oh, my God, oh, my God, I think I got stung by a bee. I'm like, we're indoors. What are you talking about?

And he's like, oh, my God. And then he couldn't cope with it. So in the end, he couldn't go on. And people were getting him ice packs. I think an Arsenal physio, Gary Lewin, turned up and he's putting ice packs on his elbows and all that. Anyway, I had to go on and do it and it was really awkward

that it turned out that he'd had a personal trainer that day that had made him do two heavier weights and he was too polite to say anything and his arms were swollen. Wait, we've got to at some point get tom on this podcast to refute those two stories this is from chris mccue uh during the second week of homeschooling my five-year-old we took some maths he was attempting to solve 16 minus 9 and gave me the answer 7 i wasn't happy with this answer and told him it was wrong

he said it wasn't as he'd done it on his fingers this went on for a few minutes until i said in capital letters it doesn't matter if you've done it on your fingers it's wrong he began to cry and argue with me so i sent him to the naughty step it was only once to explain to him why his reaction had been wrong that I realised that he was in fact right. Oh, my God. Oh, God. And I immediately apologised and wanted to punch myself in the face. Oh. To make matters worse, he simply said,

You don't have to be sorry, Daddy. It's okay. Oh, that's so degrading. Which made me want to punch myself in the testicles. My wife came downstairs and found me hugging him with tears in my eyes and asked if I wanted a break. Oh, God. It is hard.

Could I just say, also, did I mention I'm a primary school teacher? What? Oh, get out, mate. Come on, that's pathetic. Chance for a quick one more. This is good because this is helpful, right? This is from marie josh i note that your daughter is addicted to mango and i've decided to reach out to help you i too am addicted to mango oh it started as a child when i lived in papua new guinea mangoes were in vast supply at the start of lockdown i started googling in the

hope of finding ways to get my daily mango fix without leaving the house. Happily, I found a website that sells frozen mango in 10 kilo bags. No way. It's excellent and it's pre-chopped too. However, I underestimated how big a 10 kilo bag of mango would look. Yes. I'm going to be eating mango until the end of time. So how big a bag did she get?

She sent me a link. So 10 kilos of mango. That's a lot of mango. What kind of freezers she got for a mango? Also, I can't believe someone listens here that was born in Papua New Guinea. What a nice man, wasn't it? I never thought I'd have some sort of online correspondence with a lady from Papua New Guinea who's found, you know, a fellow mango madman.

She's not interested in the parenting podcast, but she typed mango into iTunes and we came up, so she ended up listening for that. Maybe that could be a feature, the mango mandem, and just sort of all mango lovers come together and chat mango chat. So if you do want to get in touch with us uh what are the topics again mango has your child freaked out in a situation where it's really really embarrassing and have you had any homeschooling nightmares seem to be what we've covered and also if you've

bought anything yeah wasn't that if you bought anything that was useless um or to distract the kid from something they wanted of yours like you know makeup we've had to buy some makeup for them to put on because they keep wanting to put on lose nice stuff oh really and does it work um yeah they both look lovely they're all ready for a night out uh this is how you get in touch email us hello at lockdown parenting.co.uk or we're on twitter at lockdown parents So the guest this week is John Richardson, very funny comedian, friend of ours. He lives up in the north, Hebden Bridge, with Lucy Beaumont, his wife and their young daughter

who's three years old. And I was excited about this one, Josh, because I know that John is a very angry man and hopefully his sadness can make me happy. Let's see. The Chardon Freud special with John Richardson. Good afternoon, John Richardson. How are you?

Yes, I'm very well. How are you? Yeah, we're all right, aren't we? Yeah, we're fine. I think we're good in a way. No one knows how to answer that question. No, that's it. Nobody knows because secretly it's awful,

but you know it's worse for everyone else. So you can't really say it's bad because anyone listening will go, fuck you. Everyone's got its worse-than-me story, haven't they? So it never ends at whatever level. Yeah, and I think what we're trying to do is free people up who feel guilty about complaining to have an outlet to complain. Oh, I'm going to complain.

Oh, good. Oh, don't worry about that. I'll set bar mate don't you worry about that every day is a nightmare isn't it but do you want to just take me through so you've got one you've got a daughter we have a daughter who's three years old three years three and a half proper three major which is the term that i've been taught proper bolshie won't do what she's told but in a sort of witty you know both of us are comics so yeah she's learned how to use humor as a way of deflecting from being an absolute pain in the ass can't criticize her for because that's the one thing i've taught her i mean we just i mean to let you into what's happening it's

what is it half past one i'm having a beer because lunch was just an absolute nightmare we had a nice morning we went for our walk uh came back cooked a lovely curry uh no spice in it so that elsie could have some put it down in front of her just went absolutely apeshit wouldn't touch it and i've had a few meals where i've said look you know we need you to eat and we need to understand what meal times are and today i said i like this curry so i'm going to leave you with your mother and you can do what you need to do and i'm going to eat in a different room because i'm sick of you ruining my meals and you had your bland curry on your own. I chopped some chillies in mine, I put some coriander in it,

all the stuff she doesn't like that I omitted to hand-craft a meal for a child that is now halfway through some fish dippers and waffles. Do you think maybe you'd made her curry too bland? She said there was pepper in it, and there isn't, because I... Fuck the fucking thing. But you can't say that to a three-year-old, can you? I know exactly what's in it because I put it in there.

What I'm learning is when the rage kicks in instantly, that's my fault, not hers. So when she says that and I say, oh, look, I promise you there isn't, come over here and I'll show you the ingredients. And look, you helped me, didn't you? Because you did the mushrooms. That's rational. daddy the minute the reaction to that is when that thought comes to my head i think you need to go away now because she's bored of you

as well so i went in there in the different room and i think that was the right policy oh that's nice how's your beer the beer is is cold and delicious and it's the first of, well, not many because, you know, there'll be this whole row to have again at tea time, won't there? What are you making for tea? Are you doing a lot of cooking? Yeah, food's my sort of go-to, you know, I wake up in the morning and I need to know what we're having.

So last night at quarter to 12, I suddenly decided we had to have Bircher muesli for breakfast. So I was clattering around in the kitchen, soaking oats. She didn't eat that either. What she does, she eats until she's not hungry. She doesn't eat until she's full. I don't know if you're experiencing this. I've got two and one eats, the younger one eats everything

and all the dinner really good. The other one doesn't. Like I say, will have one mouthful and goes, oh, I'm not starving, hungry anymore, I'm off. And then an hour later, can I have a sandwich? Can I have some bread? Yeah. I know, but it sort of makes sense, doesn't it? When there's so many toys in the house, the sort of policy is,

well, I'll just pick. You know, like when you're at a house party, you go, I'll just pick at stuff. Yeah. You can't explain to her. You need to sit and continue to, I know you're at a house party, you go, I'll just pick at stuff. Yeah. You can't explain to her. You need to sit and continue to... I know you know what it tastes like and you're not hungry anymore,

but the policy is you now shovel this gruel into your face until it slightly hurts. I don't know if the words the policy is are going to be helpful to her. She genuinely has picked up. And it's one of those things you don't know you're saying it until they say it back to you. She'll say now, she'll say to me,

OK, Daddy, here's the deal. And then we have a negotiation. Here's the deal. I eat this waffle and then that's it. And then we can play. And you have to say, yeah, OK, fine. John, with these deals, you've got to be prepared to walk away. That's the thing.

If you're going to show any strength. I'm too prepared to walk away. That's the problem. I've got a little bit of a tip for trying to get to eat lunch because, like I said, mine don't really do it. Do a picnic buggy. But what you do is make them a packed lunch, put them in the buggy with it,

and then you walk for an hour whilst they eat their lunch. That is a good little tip, Rob. It's a lovely tip, but then you you walk for an hour whilst they eat their lunch that is that is a good little tip rob it's a lovely tip but then you get to an age where she needs to learn to sit and eat a meal you know because this lockdown situation she's not going to nursery anymore and nursery was where she was learning you know you can be a bit of a prick at home while we're eating tea but you can't if you're a mess around at nursery you'll get told off and you just won't get lunch. I tell you, that was my saving grace whenever I did some bad, like weak parenting, was I'd always think she's picking it up at nursery. So it doesn't matter if I drop the ball a bit.

She's eating great food at nursery. So this cheese on toast is fine. And now I haven't got that. Yeah, but you worry too much because like when they go, we've got to teach them to use a knife and fork. No, I've never met anyone at 37, you go to a restaurant, they're just like shoveling soup up with their hands

because they never learn. They will learn at some point. Do you know what I mean? The same with sitting down. It's like, you don't see grownups at weddings wandering about just eating a baguette because, oh no, this is what I did as a kid. You meet someone, he's like,

yeah, I do want this meal, but you're right to push me around in a buggy while i eat it how are you doing with tv john do you feel guilt with watching tv we're trying to have it so it's sort of set times so you know we have and by we have i mean i have drawn up a rotor that we operate on now so and is she aware of the rotor uh yeah elsie's aware of the rotor she gets half the day with mommy half the day with daddy uh we have lunch together we have tea together and then we're together in the evening until bedtime and weekends we don't do any work we're all together just to have some structure and mainly it's for the person who isn't with elsie if you don't have a rotor and what you do is you'll ask for permission to do important stuff.

So you might say, oh, can you look after her for an hour so I can do some work or so I can have a wash? But what you don't say is, can you look after her for an hour so I could do absolutely nothing? So I just... Can you take her for an hour so I can watch two episodes of Friends that I've seen a hundred times and then hate myself for it? Watch two episodes of Friends that I've seen a hundred times and then hate myself for it. So the rota is a way of saying that's your time when you're not with Elsie for the week. Do what you want with it.

Get all your work done across the week. But if you want to get up and watch the news for an hour and then have a coffee and that's your time, that's it. And what you don't do is say to the other person, I need to waste some time and just sit and stare at the wall. So we've got a rotor system now. And as part of that, the agreement is you can't watch telly with her on your own because then you're taking that, you know, from the other person.

Otherwise, she'll just watch telly all day. So telly is, you know, after tea if she eats her tea, which she doesn't, and then at weekends. Oh, wow. And what are you watching? Oh, anything American on Netflix. She's just got the most incredible American accent. She just is an American child.

We moved up north so that she would sort of sound like us, and she just sounds like an American Frankenstein. She loves Hotel Transylvania at the moment. She's just watched the Trolls movie. She enjoyed that. I've taught her how to say this morning's activity while we were on a walk, so we were getting some exercise but i taught her to say it wasn't me it was that carol basket

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that feels more you reach for craft dinner because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love that's when it's gotta be katie when you gotta do you it's gotta be katie shop now i want to get pearl onto movies for her tv time yeah and the reason for that is not kind of some kind of cultural reason but because a movie is 90 minutes and we're watching sarah and duck exclusively at the moment not my decision which is very i love sarah and duck but because they're seven minutes every seven minutes the decision is made to watch another one and so you are hit with a guilt so there's the repetitive decision to remain in front of the tv whereas if it was a longer thing you've made your peace that you're going to watch that longer thing.

And it's good to know they've got the attention span that they're following a storyline. Yeah. A gateway for us was the film Sing. I don't know if you've tried that one. Oh, it's a great film. Fantastic film. And it also, it elevates their music taste

because it's proper songs in it. So she went from liking theme tunes to shows she likes, like Peter rabbit and things to actually liking elton john and songs like that so then she was asking to listen to elton john in the car because she sort of fancies the gorilla in sing which i think is all right i think i probably fancied chatara from thundercats until i was in my late teens so i'm just assuming it's all right for a three-year-old to fancy i find getting kids onto a proper film is a bit like when you decide to eat well or be healthy you do it for a couple

of days and before you know it they're just like seven episodes into paw patrol because they're a preschool three days a week both of them and like we do loads of activities we see the grandparents a lot we're always taking them out to do stuff we're like well when they're indoors let them watch telly it's fine but we are still got that attitude and then we're indoors all day one of them watch muppet babies i swear four hours in a row and i just went up to lou and i went lou we've got this car she's done four hours and he went i know but she's quiet and i was like yeah are you when they're watching things do you feel like you have to be watching as well or you're all right to look at your phone no i do i mean this makes me sound like an absolute child

but i i take enjoyment out of watching i love most of the stuff she watches she's into i think the change in kids telly like the sense of humor is everyone's worked out i think if you roughly do that simpsons thing and it's funny for both. So she watches a lot of stuff. Like I find the Mr Bean cartoon, you know, genuinely makes me laugh. I think it's so funny. And I think Hey Dougie is properly funny. The Hey Dougie is a good show and I think it's a great show. And it's like quite actually fairly educational in a way

about like kids doing stuff. What I don't get is that he's like a scout leader, isn't he? And it's all fine. And when all the parents wait to pick up the kids, he's oh hug dougie hug hug dougie no there's no need to hug him at the end and then they go oh your mom and dad's are here to pick you up see you later before you go quick cuddle no send them off why does he have to cuddle with them can't he just teach him and they leave you wouldn't cuddle your teacher, would you, at the end of the day? No, but if my teacher was a big fat dog, I might have. Uh-oh, you should have gone to my school.

John, so you've got all this time on your own. Did you think you were going to be productive in lockdown, away from parenting, and have you been productive in lockdown? Let me pick you up on one issue I have with that question. You've got a lot of time on your own. I've got a lot of time at home, but with my family. That has proved to be very different. So actually, you know, Zoom has been a godsend.

I'll set up a sort of eight o'clock Zoom and I'll just tell her it went on till 10 when really, you know, we're all done and dusted after half an hour and then I just stay on my own for an hour i had a zoom meeting the other day and i went up to my office to do the zoom meeting and he texted me the moment i got into the office to say he'd be 10 minutes late and the joy i felt and then i just kind of sat in a chair and just stared yeah oh well because everyone says what you're gonna do after lockdown i'm not gonna do anything i'm gonna wait for everyone to leave my house and

just sit in it quiet yeah absolutely i've already that's all i want i said i'm gonna book a travel lodge in aberdeen and i'm gonna drive to it and i'm just gonna stay there for two nights and then i'm gonna come home and we're never going to speak about it. Do you speak to your friends that aren't parents? And do they understand your situation? So you're obviously, like me, a friend of Matt Ford. Yes. He sent me last Sunday a picture of, he's taken a photo of his TV and it had like an old England team set up, like the tactics on the screen.

And I said, what's that? And he said, oh, are you tactics on the screen. And I said, what's that? And he said, oh, are you not watching? Yeah. And I said, what? And he said, he was re-watching the full 90 minutes plus extra time, plus coverage, plus penalties of England v. West Germany from 1990. Yes. In his England shirt with a beard.

And he wondered why I wasn't doing that with my sunday afternoon yeah it's hard it's hard um not to be very angry at that conversation but i have subsequently i've recorded that and i am going to spend an evening in aberdeen absolutely yeah it's hard i think you've got to sort of do a bit of both because, you know, not to get serious about it, but even that is not as good as it seems. I actually think having a kid in this situation is the best and worst thing because it's hard, but I would absolutely be destroyed now if I didn't have a child to be vaguely sentient for in the morning. Why would I stop just eating crap and drinking?

It does make your days go quicker. They're horrific, but they're quick. I'd rather it be like that. Yeah. Boring and empty. What you don't want is exciting long days. That's not what you want, is it? You want shit short ones, not really nice long days.

I haven't been bored. I haven't come close to being bored in the last month. And that's not because I'm having great chats. I was going to say, have you had any rousing doors with your partner? Because obviously you're both working and writing stuff and got deadlines and stuff. Has one of you been busier than the other? Are you doing any homeschooling?

What's the setup? Well, for me, Lucy is a lot more driven than than i am so we've both sort of got stuff on but i just use lockdown as an excuse not to do it even though that you can't say to people i can't do that i'm busy because they know you're not i still worse yeah there's no excuses anymore yeah yeah you've got to do thanks for doing this by the way fine it's a chance to have a beer at one in the afternoon that's great i'm jealous i'm trying to sort of exercise to cancel out the increased drinking and calories there was a point first week when i realized i didn't go down the crisp aisle when i went shopping and i nearly burst into tears on the drive back from tesco what am i gonna do without crisps for a week? And I can't go out just for crisps in case I get pulled over by the police.

Yeah, we had a few, but then I think if you do this job, because we both do the same job, we're sort of in this routine anyway of both sort of tripping over each other during the days. So unless one of us is on tour, we're both at home anyway. But certainly the food waste is a big one. And I'm probably more on the sink strainer going back in the sink than I have been at any point in our marriage. But big exclusive, it was our fifth wedding anniversary last week

and she didn't do anything for it, didn't even get me a card. So I think, to be honest honest i'm sweet now probably for the rest of the year i think i think i'm all right now um john rob has one final question yes uh in this uh lockdown has there been a uh highlight and a low light a point where you thought ah this is pretty good this and the point where you thought i cannot go on oh um i think there's one of those every hour i think you know i used to be in a mood for a day and then all right for a day and now i think broadly within an hour i sort of hit that point that i don't what is the best moment of lockdown so far i really enjoyed um watching the trolls movie the other day um we

all sat and watched the trolls movie with some popcorn on like a Tuesday afternoon and thought, God, that wouldn't have happened. You know, should have been at nursery. I'd have been outside in the pub. And the worst, I don't know. I mean, I think I may have just had one of the worst, you know. The losing it over lunch is just such a small...

It's when you know, like... I'll tell you the worst, actually, was my lucy got back and said elsie just asked me if everyone's gonna die and i thought oh god you know she is we're not talking to her about it but she's clearly hearing stuff she overhears a bit of a zoom chat and so that was a real wake-up call like you know your job now is to make sure that this three-year-old is happy and is okay and is not you know is not too aware of what's going on outside so um yeah what did lucy say to her she said um you will if you don't eat your fucking curry we loaded up some government websites talked about facts and figures

john thank you so much i'm glad that you're doing well cheers. John, thank you so much. I'm glad that you're doing well. Cheers, mate. Thank you. Thanks, John. Thank you. See you later, John. Cheers.

John Richardson, what a nice man. Oh. He is... I know they always throw around the nicest man in comedy, but he would be... He'd be up there for me. He was... He'd be up there.

When I did my first ever eight ads in Cats, he was so nice to me. It made me feel so comfortable. And he was like, like oh is there any topics you know and stuff and so i've always sort of been indebted to him for that so it's a bit awkward when i became the captain out of ten cats but let's not get bogged down by that love you john yeah his curry his oh curry freak out yeah how much can you put effort into kid's food when you don't know if they're going to eat it? It's such a... Yeah.

I just feel like it's just inversely, the amount of effort I put in, it makes it just more and more unlikely that she's going to eat it. They can see you cooking it. It's like they're saying with remote control, they can see you putting effort in and it's their little opportunity to gain the upper hand.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Of like, no, I'm not going to eat that now. My daughter hates smashed potato. I've never, never eat that now. My daughter hates mashed potato, right? Never got on board with it, just against mashed potato, right? And then my mum was around, right? Her nan, she loves her nan. And my mum was going, do you want some mashed potato?

She went, yeah, I love mashed potato. And my mum went, I'll make it for them. I'm not making it for her. She'll never eat it, right? I'm not doing it. And then she went, oh, please, I love mashed potato. Eventually, my mum went, go make it. I went, all right, I never eat it, right? I'm not doing it. And then she went, oh, please, I love mashed potato. Eventually, my mum went, go make it. I went, all right, I'll make it, right?

I made it. She ate every single bit of it. And every mouthful of mashed potato she ate sat with my mum. She looked at me in the eye and was like, mm, mashed potato. Right? The next day, a week later, made her mash, didn't touch it. Oh, it's disgusting. I was like, I saw you with a nan.

I saw what you did with that mashed potato. Staring me out. It's back out of order. Every mouthful, she looked you with a nan. I saw what you did with that potato. Staring me out. It's bang out of order. Every mouthful, she looked at me out of the corner of her eye. I mean, you've got this to cover you. That's a four-year-old. She's already manipulated me at four. I do love that I said, have you made any kind of intricate meals?

And it was mashed potato was your example. Mate, if I could get away with just giving her boiled eggs forever, I would. I gave her a pan of chocolat this morning and she ate the chocolate bit and left the croissant bit. And then I'm like trying to make her eat a croissant

and you're like, as if that's a good thing. Yeah. As if that's a good bit of the meal. Get the butter in you. Get the butter. Get that. Eat that butter.

Like it's the greens. I'm trying to make her eat the croissant. Yeah. Right. That's it for this week uh we've got the brilliant comedian and also uh part of the curry story lucy beaumont john's wife on our next episode we thought it would be fun to hear both sides of the story and it really was it's really it's eye-opening isn't it it really is um yeah can i also say this josh please if you're listening, like and subscribe this

because we want to move up that chart, write a review, because we want to be number one. We're hunting down Louis Farouk. The only thing I think we can do, Josh, is we need to get Louis Farouk on this one. And hopefully we can then nick his followers. So that could be a good way. But just, you know, you've got to come on board, Louis,

because we're hunting you down, mate. I'm coming for you. He knows it as well. He knows it. He knows we're coming, Josh. mate. I'm coming for you. He knows it as well. He knows it. He knows we're coming, Josh. Do you know what I mean? He can smell it. We're the hungry young wolves.

Yeah? Louis Theroux's been knocking around for years. I wonder whether Louis Theroux's even considered us this week. I doubt he has. He's too busy sitting on the top of the bloody castle. King of the bloody castle. Sitting there gloating like a cat that got the cream. You and Mark Ronson having a

chinwag. John Ronson. Whoever it is. Fucking Ronson as far as I'm concerned. We're coming for you, Louis. Thank you everyone for listening. We'll be back on Tuesday with Lucy Beaumont. We will see you then. Goodbye. Hello and welcome to John Richardson and the Future Notesuts, How to Survive the Apocalypse.

I am John Richardson, professional whingebag and defeatist, and I am joined by the Futurenauts, who are Mark Stevenson, hello. Hello. And Ed Gillespie, hello. Hello. Mark and Ed are the two experts who are invited before I make a series like Ultimate Warrior to make me look more informed and intelligent and this podcast will attempt to lay bare that entire process by proving that in fact I know nothing and they know everything. Each episode we'll discuss some of the problems facing our society and through an attempt to find some optimism we'll offer up

some solutions as well. As my co-pilots on this journey mark and ed are um insightful interesting and witty people and they can tell you exactly what the future will be in five years right guys i'm not sure that's strictly true but you know no i'll take it yes take the compliment where it's offered they both both know more than me and, frankly, are of more use to society than me. However, people seem to follow me on Twitter and not them. So this podcast is an attempt to reverse that process.

If I have one goal for this podcast series, it's that by the end I have three followers left and they are my wife, my neighbours and my mum. And everyone else has realised, why wouldn't I just listen to these two in the first place?