Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP22: Windburn, man and boy...

Episode Date: July 10, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S01 EP22: "Windburn, man and boy..."More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent Got something to send us?LPHPO BOX 76748LondonE9 9DWA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not.

And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Josh Wiggins, Rob Beckett. Pretty strong, that is Hattie, aged four. They're getting better. They are. Ro says, it's the most laid back kid who's finally nailed putting her socks on by herself,

ready to start school in September. Oh, socks on on her own. Excellent. Well, we've been told, because that's what we've been doing all week, getting the eldest ready for school, that they've got to learn to do zips up and buttons. Oh, and how's that going? Well, it turns out my eldest is a secret zipper-upperer. Oh, really? She can do it.

I just do it for her before she goes into preschool. She can do it and actually sometimes does the other kids in the classes zips for them. Oh, wow. Didn't know. Didn't know. Didn't know he shed it enough. But buttons, absolute nightmare. She loses her head. I don't know if you've ever tried to explain to someone how a button works.

It's sort of clear how it works, but explain how you get a button in. Try and explain to me now how to do a button. Well, you hold the hole and then you kind of turn the button sideways on so it lines up with the hole. And then you push it through and it should snap back into place. I think you've actually nailed that, to be fair. I've literally couldn't do it. That's exactly what I should have said. I was like, well, you nailed that, to be fair. I've literally couldn't do it. That's exactly what

I should have said. I was like, we get that bit in there and put it in there. And she was like, what bit where? I went in there. She went where?

But I went there. She went out. I went, I'll just put a zip up top on. Do you know what though? When you're a kid, once you've learned zips, buttons feel like,

but why do these still exist? Like the zips are like the future. Yeah. And you're like, why are we pissing around with? Like the zips are like the future. Yeah. And you're like, why are we pissing around with buttons? I still don't think Velcro's got the respect it deserves. No. You know what I mean?

What happens is you have Velcro when you're really young and then once you learn how to do laces, everyone's like, oh, you're a loser if you've got Velcro. And then you only use them again when you get old. Why are we denying ourselves the prime of our years, having easy footwear? I tell you what, mate, you need to start your own trainer brand like Kanye West. Yeah, because we've got very similar backgrounds and followings being Kanye.

I can only imagine it will go the same route. I'll have to leave Lou, marry a Kardashian. Certain things I just have to tap out of, but I think it's best to. For some reason, my eldest can't do the some reason my elders can't do the number three she can't do number three so she keeps on doing it the wrong way around uh also i've just told her because she can do an m i said just do an m and turn it around yeah that's that's genuinely one of the most confusing instructions you're really bad at giving instructions i'm not glenn oddle i've got the ability i've just got the ability it's innate i can't teach it it just happens i can do a button i've never thought about it but i can do the ability. It's innate. I can't teach it. It just happens.

I can do a button. I've never thought about it, but I can do a button. Do you know what I mean? I can't explain to you. I can't explain to you how stuff works. When I look at the stars, once I get beyond that's pretty, I have to stop looking because it upsets me that I don't understand what's happening, and I just pretend they're not there.

What do you mean you don't understand what's happening? The stars and the universe and the sun. No one really knows, do they? Dara O'Brien pretends to know because Brian Cox is there. But no one actually knows. Do you know what I mean?

I had this the other day where I realised I don't really know what wind is. I tweeted about this, Josh. I hate it. It's the worst of all the weathers.

Wind. Do you think? Easy. I'll defend it to the hill. If you've got any issues with that, someone said rain and wind. No, because you know the day's ruined. If it's nice and sunny but windy,

you look at that and go, oh, let's have a barbecue. No chance the wind ain't letting it happen. And also you get sunburned without realising you're getting sunburned because it feels cold, but you're burning like an absolute crisp. Yep.

And windburn. Have you ever had windburn? Yeah, I've had windburn, mate. I grew up on Dartmoor. Windburn man and boy, mate. I windburned your head off down in Darty. There was a moment I didn't have windburn when I was growing up. I'll tell you that for free.

Have you ever got your daughter sunburned by accident? I don't think she's ever been sunburned yet, no. But that's more because we're unambitious with where we go rather than that we're conscientious with the sun cream. Ours have got little T-shirt tans where we do put cream on them, but they're just in the garden all the time, like street kids. Like a truck driver. Yeah, because we put cream on them,

and then they just put like a short-sleeved T-shirt or a dress, and now they've got like really brown arms. It looks bad, but I'm putting 50 on them every day, even when it's cloudy, but they're just tanning up. And they're so blonde. They've got these big brown arms and blonde hair. And then the whitest belly. It's like a big marshmallow.

So I'm kind of picturing kind of Hulk Hogan. That's kind of what you're describing your daughters. Yeah, now you say it. Like him, but vainier. say it like like him but vania i'll just tell you about the zoom calls we've got to have for um like this kid starting school right so she's starting in september at this new school so she had to have this reading class right and then what happens is the teacher's reading the story and then goes around it was done in groups of like six and then speaks to all the kids individually just basically so they've seen the teacher before they go and they've seen some of the kids and all that.

And they're just putting them at ease. And then all this and they'll sort of wave in. And they said to my daughter, here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC Cashback MasterCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots are over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please.

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this panda she's got this big panda bear like that and they went um oh what's that what's your what's your panda's name and then my daughter went oh it's panda i was like oh it's weak people watching here and even the teacher had a dig she was like very uh very different name or something like that a bit of fun i'm not having a go at her so she was just having a battle and then they went and then she went and what do pandas eat and i was like i mean even i was struggling give me like and i'm like what is it some bush in it some bush thing and then my thought went bamboo and i i did a fist pump under the desk wow yeah it was like it was like the first thing i celebrated since like the football coming back

and i was just like get in yes the bamboo yeah and i never thought of myself as like a competitive parent but once your thought was in front of other people and they're like asking questions i was just like was that i've had that feeling of like last minute winner just bamboos i guess it especially after the panda name debacle do you know what i I mean? I've got a panda called Panda. That's a hell of a thing for the teacher to like, it's a hard question. What a question to drop. What the pandas is?

Come on. Then she asked where are they from? Did she? That's tough, isn't it? Yeah. And my daughter said, my bedroom. She said China. And then the teacher said,

could you explain the issue with Hong Kong between China and the UK? What's Lou doing at this point? Trying to avoid being on the camera because she doesn't want to be seen. So I'm there front and center looking like an animal. And you can just see like the corner of Lou's eye, like a Twitter profile. It was a stressful man. But yeah, the bamboo, I really like.

That is a big, that's like... You know, like that Michael Jordan when they do those big last shots with a second to go. It really is that long. Oh, God. I felt like Steve Kerr, the little awkward idiot in the corner. Keep getting it wrong.

Have you got to do many more things before September? No, I don't think... I think there's already a WhatsApp group set up between all the parents. So I think they're... I'm not going, but I think Lou's taking, because what we're having difficulty is because the youngest goes to preschool, the eldest, they're like inseparable at the moment. So even when she had to stay off preschool to have this like reading class thing, there was 20 minutes. I don't know if you've taken a kid out of a full day of preschool for us to do a 20 minute phone call.

Paid for. Yeah, paid to do a 20 minute phone call paid for yeah paid paid for day 20 minute phone call just sort of sitting there going okay so i've just got her here now all day after that but then the youngest was going i want to go there i want to go there and she was like i want to go to big school i'm a big girl and oh yeah you are a big girl because you don't have nappies but you're not you're not a big girl so now we're rebranding it primary school it's sort of like the brexit negotiate you have to keep rebranding stuff to keep people on side do you know what i mean um so do you want to hear from our listeners yes please it's the lockdown parenting mailbag but it's actually emails and there's no bag so let's start with this this is from doug um a couple of weeks ago my wife drove

miles to have a walk with her sister for what she called a moment of bloody peace all i had to do was look after our four and 18 month year old without disturbing her that was it the kids were down and i was in our bedroom folding laundry open brackets playing video games close brackets when the wind got up a tarpaulin on our neighbor's attic conversion got loose. Sounded like a car crashing outside the window. There was no way capable dad was going to risk the kids being awake when my wife got home. So I made the decision I was going to ask the neighbors to secure it.

I grabbed a bottle of wine so it didn't look too complainy, ran around to the house and knocked. They didn't answer the door. I legged it back and it was then I realised I had locked myself out. Oh God. My wife was a good... Two kids in the house? Two kids in the house. My wife was a good hour and a half away when I rang to say that I'd popped to my car and the door had closed behind me.

And he's holding a bottle of wine. Yeah. She made me promise I would never leave my kids for any other reason and obviously I'd made that promise. I then huddled in the doorway, drank the wine and listened to my audio book. Hang on.

I thought you meant listened out for the kids. I'm going to say one ear in, yeah? So he can listen out for the kids. I mean, if he's got both ears in, he's a monster, this geezer. One ear out, I'll let him off. Wait a minute. He's not going to have his headphones with him because he's got both ears in he's a monster this geezer one one ear out i'll let him off i'll wait a minute he's not gonna have his headphones with him because he's only popped next

door so he must be just playing it out loud if he's got if he's got noise cancelling headphones on drinking water it's over for him he might as well gone to a tapas bar down the road this is ridiculous my wife arrived i stashed the bottle behind the recycling bin and retold the story of the door closing behind me and emphasised how worried I was about the children. She then reminded me that we have a video doorbell and that she and her sister had watched me leave, not go to the car and return with a bottle of wine. They'd assumed that I'd left the children to buy booze.

Oh, no. When I explained what had actually happened, my wife said she would have done the same thing, but she would have been honest about it. Yeah, why was it? Because it's a fair thing he was doing, wasn't it? It's a totally fair thing he was doing. It's weirder just to go to the car for no reason.

I mean, what a situation. I then watched her calmly get the tarpaulin issue sorted via the neighbourhood WhatsApp group, and I studiously ignored. And I realized she is great and I'm an idiot. Keep up the good work, Doug. What a situation to get yourself into, Doug. I know, unbelievable.

I've not told the story about my family friends. I won't name names, but they'll know who they are. Anyway, they've got twins, yeah? The dad is a notorious sleeper. It's banter that if he sits down, he will fall asleep at any gathering, right? He just falls asleep a lot. Anyway, so it was Christmas Day, and he said,

I think the twins are 18 months, two years old. It was years and years ago. And he said to his wife, go and have a bath and just have a lovely morning to yourself, because she was going to do the dinner in the afternoon. Have the whole morning to yourself. I'll look after the kids and play with the kids after presents so you've got a few hours to just do that right anyway so she goes upstairs has a lovely bath does her hair and makeup gets all

ready puts a nice like new outfit on for christmas day stuff goes downstairs he's asleep in the front room right out out for the camp she wakes up goes where the kids where the kids he wakes up hasn't got a clue no idea where they are, right? So they're panicking. They're nowhere in the house. They go outside and they're in the middle of the road playing. Imagine that on Christmas Day. Imagine the doghouse you'd be in. Oh, my word.

Oh, you wouldn't be allowed out until the next year, would you? Luckily, it's only two weeks away, but awful. I mean, luckily, there's very little traffic on Christmas Day. Yeah, well, that's the moral of that story. If you are going to go to sleep and leave your kids to themselves, do it on Christmas Day. I love that the default thing that a child would do is go to the middle of the road. That's like, come on, mate.

I fall asleep. Cut me some slack. Get on the pavement. Put some shoes on at least. Come on. Two kind of Victorian urchins. Let's meet in the middle here. I think they were walking down to like a friend's house further down the road.

Oh, dear. Oh, my word. In my head, they were like sitting in the middle of the road, like playing Jacks or one of those little Victorian games. Stick and Oop. Yeah, Stick and Oop. Right. Oh, well, we might as well have another person

who's forgotten they've got a child. This is from... Do you know what? I'll just call her Jackie. We don't want to get the authorities involved. When my daughter was only a few weeks old, she was upstairs asleep in her cot. It was a Friday evening.

My husband said to me, what do you fancy eating? I said, Chinese. So we got in the car and drove to the Chinese restaurant. Halfway down the road, I said, oh my God. He said, what? I said Chinese. So we got in the car and drove to the Chinese restaurant. Halfway down the road, I said, oh, my God. He said, what? I said, Rebecca.

Rebecca, Kevin. My husband practically did a handbrake turn and we raced back to the car to find Rebecca still sound asleep. Neither us could believe that we'd forgotten all about her how old was she a few weeks oh wow can you imagine the silence and the speed of that journey oh once they remembered oh my god because before that yeah we got the Chinese Rebecca he spanned round he must have been driving so fast and just both rocking in silence trying to think who thought it was oh my god the abject

fear imagine that imagine you get back and the police are there and they go so what's happened and you go um we drove to a chinese where's your chinese well we didn't get there so rob um as you know you've been giving me advice you've been giving the nation advice you are the nation's okay here we go what What would Rob Beckett do? Don't be scared to use a device. The timeout step can be your ally. Don't be afraid to say no to your kids. It's okay to apologise as a parent.

Never hit them, but don't let them think you won't. You're listening to WWRBD. What would Rob Beckett do? Hi, Josh and Rob. My wife and I need some advice. Our 18-month-old refuses to sit in her car seat. She strains when we try and cries if we attempt to use force yeah quite possibly yeah you tried pliers on the toes just to nose bust no we tried to keep

her calm and then encourage her verbally to give it a try explaining how good the destination would be so it's worth it we failed over and over and so started bribing her with food which works 100 of the time okay it's got quite calorific when we had to make several trips and so we've recently been bribing her with fake rewards e.g empty raisin boxes she will catch up on this and so we need a plan what do we do okay i think i've got two words for you prison bitch that's what's happened you've been prison bitch by your own kid it's happened to me happens to the best of us but the way i dealt with for us there's a lot of people we have loads of discussions about this they don't like getting in the car seat the way

i look at it is right i know they are it's only 18 months i know they resist a bit but if it was a ufc match you'd win in a round do you know what i mean so you should be able to get them in a car seat i mean but what i'm saying is you just as long as they're strapped in is oh they're never in pain once they're strapped in they're safe and secure so they're not in pain they've just got the ump yeah haven't they yeah they're not you're not doing anything mean you're not obviously you don't want to use too much force but if you can get them in the car seat and then they cry i just let them cry and turn the music up.

Because they've just got the ump, I'd say. They're not in pain. You're not being mean. You're not doing anything horrible. They just don't want to be sat in there, but they've got to be sat in there because you're going where you're going. So I used to just turn the music up a bit louder and ignore them, and then they realize that you don't react.

That's what I've done. I don't know if you've only just got your car. So you just kind of turn the music up and just carry on. Yeah, I sort of say, no, we're going in the car because we've got to go here. And I let them have like, you know, some toys or stuff like that if they're bored. But, you know, I just, but when they were that age and they just kicked off, I just turned the music up and drive because they're not in pain. You're not being horrible. They've just got to deal with it because I've got to go somewhere, basically. And did it work? Yeah, they're fine in the car that's like you know sometimes you don't want to do it if they're actually upset about something but the problem in our ways you started

bribing haven't you yeah can i ask you a question robert and as an advisor i don't understand his his raise is empty bribing with empty raisin boxes well i think that's so basically what they're saying is they'll go oh get if you get your car seat we give you these raisins so they get them in lock her in and then there's no raisins, which I think that's worse. Yeah. I mean, that's basically going to lead to the child trapped in, but absolutely fuming.

Yeah, so at that problem, they've got a right to be angry. And now they're upset because you've lied. But if you just get them in the car seat, you go, no, you're getting in the car seat. And they arch their back, but there's never been a kid, I can't get in a car seat. Do you know what I mean? That's one of your big claims, isn't it?

I'd forgotten that. Yeah, I'll stand by that. Undefeated. I'm undefeated. They'll get in. You've got 36 to zero, haven't you, when you're getting kids in. The invincible.

24 by knockout, which was... Yeah, one by disqualification, but that was, you know, social services will make their own mind up, sure. Well, there you go. Let us know how it goes with the tip, turn up the music. Take no shit, lock them in, get on with it. That's what I say.

Because they're not upset, they're not hurt, they've just got the ump. I don't want to be driving her or wiping her arse either, but I don't just scream in her face. Is that a fair thing to say? I don't want to be driving her and wiping her ass either. But I don't just scream in her face. Is that a fair thing to say? Imagine all the stuff your kid makes you do for it. I'd love to just scream.

No, I'm not wiping your ass. But you can't, can you? That's what they've got to learn. I have screamed and not wiped your ass. There's a milk tray moment. Yeah, exactly. But Adam Hills did have a lot of power of you in the first series. Prison bitch. Prison bitch. Prison bitch.

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Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at Michigan.org. I've got some salty emails, Josh, unfortunately. Oh, have you? I thought we'd put this to bed with a number of unsalty tales, but it looks like you've been a bit of a salt monster. Oh, no, no, no. Also, Josh, you want to have an edge. I think you'd love, you'd get a bit of a salt monster um oh no no no also josh you want to have an edge i think you'd love you'd get a real kick if someone told that josh he's fit but

he's a right bastard that that would be a bust for you that would be like you know none of the neither those things have been achieved yet so let's see such a fuck boy so hi josh and rob me and my friend also called jess this is two jesses this is from jessica brennan anyway um she listens spot they both listen to boss cast the two jesses anyway they came all the way from liverpool to london for the weekend just to see a live recording of hypothetical as we love james acaster unbelievable and josh and josh i'm joking and josh is in there that day i had new shoes on that ripped my feet to bits at the moment Jess you're losing me Josh ain't made you wear them shoes I'm arguing you've got the ump already

because of these shoes but let's crack on also you've come to London it's filmed at Pinewood that's that's it's not even London but carry on I've thrown out there if I've got a new pair of shoes that are a bit blister heavy I'm not whacking them on for a trip to Liverpool do you know what I mean you save that around the shops get 20 minutes in work anyway let's not get bogged down by this yeah i can tell you actually i went when i went to the grand national one year the only year i've ever been to the grand national yeah um and my girlfriend she wore shoes that were painful and so that was in liverpool and she we had to walk back from the grand national into the centre of Liverpool with her and her bare feet. Like at 5pm, like it was 2am. Anyway, carry on.

Anyway, so Jess's feet hurt. They're ripped to bits. We had to be in work the day of our return. So we were on trains home from London straight to work first thing the next morning. But it was all going to be worth it to see the show live. OK, so they've come down to London. It's like 8 till 10 or 11 at night. And then they've got to stay over in London. And they they're on a 5 6 a.m train the next day okay

anyway so there's a lot of commitment here to see your show um but they were so excited it's all gonna be worth it to see the show live when josh and james came from the side to wait to come onto the stage we were right next to them starstruck we said omg hi josh hi james and we We said, OMG. Hi, Josh. Hi, James. And we were completely blanked with a side eye. Well, I was doing a show. Well, can I finish? So your argument is she was doing a show and you were too busy to respond to the high. Well, what I would say is I don't know how much TV you've watched, Rob, but I imagine quite a lot.

You very rarely a bit where the hosts take a moment out to just say hi to the front row of the audience you haven't gone on yet you're on the side of the stage waiting to go on I was in the zone I was in the zone your argument is you was in the zone because you're doing a big TV show and you couldn't have time to say hello to your fans

big's a stretch but yeah a fairly well respected panel joe okay so your argument is she was in the zone so you couldn't break out the zone because you were performing um i just need to bring this up as well it was still a great show and i still love your work but only charlie brooker the guest that night said hi back to us so he was the hero of the adventure down south so not only did you not say hello because you was in the zone charlie brooker who i would argue is one of the sort of like his vibes grumpy and non-perfect is it his whole vibe is i don't want to talk to you i'm gonna just you know

rip stuff apart yeah he's taken the time whilst in the zone you so call it to say hello to your fans and you gave side-eye, Josh. So, I'm just saying. Well, do you know what? I'd like to issue an apology. Yeah, okay. That's good to hear. Yeah.

I'm sorry that Charlie Brooker is such a fake. He didn't want to say hello. Is that what you're saying? Well, no. What I'm saying is Charlie Brooker's, oh, I'm a grumpy man thing is obviously complete bullshit, and he's actually a really nice bloke.

Yeah, he's an ex-Bobby. And he's been having you all on. He's an ex-Bobby Davro. He's doing Black Mirror and he's back at Butlins. He's Philippines. He wants to be chirpy. But to be fair, though,

in your defence, maybe you might have had your earpiece in and someone was talking to you, distracted you. It's difficult to say hello to everyone. I don't think you would have given side up. Exactly. Particularly when their feet are bleeding

all over the fucking studio floor. Can someone knock this fucking bloodshed up, please? From lunatics wearing nine-inch wedges down from London. I've got another one here, which, do you know what? I'm going to throw this out here now, Josh. This seems like bollocks. I can't imagine you did this, but we've had it sent

in. Let's get on with it. Hi, Rob and Josh. I thought I had to write in and share my salty experience with a young mr widdicombe a few years ago i moved to london and started working for a pr agency that represented a few comedians for a young comedy fan from the west country i couldn't believe my luck working around some comedy heroes and josh widdicombe what's the name um the name is okay no no wouldn't remember someone you've mugged off would you anyway for the record he wasn't a client he wasn't the salty big head that he is now and he hadn't been on tv yet okay so

it's a few years this was like pre-2012 maybe even before that 2010 yeah i was a very low down intern oh god this is our terrible thing start normally isn't it um no it's fine nothing nothing like that's happening don't worry wasn't that salty thank god i was a very low down intern but would often get to go along to any of her previews or some new shows with colleagues part of the schmoozing was hanging around after gigs for drinks and mingling with the performers and their mates one such show above a pub in west london led to said drinks i didn't know anyone other than my colleague who'd buggered off to do some work so i started chatting to the friendly looking guy next to me turns out he wasn't friendly he was josh widdicombe what i started that seems very unlikely okay i'm still trying to climb the ladder at that point i've given anyone the time of day or you were just

trying to rip people down from the ladder to get your own success yeah you know anything to get ahead anyway um he says and he wasn't friendly he was was Josh Winnicombe. I started by asking his name. I got a frosty, Josh. So I followed it up with, what do you do? This might sound like an obvious question at a comedian shindig,

but they are often full of a mix of different people. Apparently... Yeah, I would be happily, I would never do the, what do you think I do? Yeah, no, I agree. You would awkwardly

just say I'm a comedian and sort of almost feel like you've offended them by saying it. Never mind. Yeah, exactly. So I'm in your corner here. Apparently it was such an obvious question for the salty sea dog. I was met with an... See, these are the kind of turns of phrase that you need when someone's writing a press release. Exactly. This person is made for PR.

The salty sea dog. I was met with an exasperated eye roll and I'm a comedian. I write for blah, blah, followed by a sigh. I can't imagine you. And our producer who sent me this said, and he knows you very well, can't imagine Josh ever doing this. But I think you would be almost embarrassed that you wrote for someone. Yeah. But you wrote for The Guardian, didn't you?

Yeah. So did I name a comedian or did she write blah she wrote blah blah that's what i'm saying this lack of detail she hasn't said where the venue is she hasn't said just west london's very vague but i tell you what look i'm i'm i'm willing to hear more evidence of this but i think this i'm calling bullshit but if you want to send in more i don't think we need more evidence rob i think it's a case closed i don't think we're moving on from this actually i think you know if we've learned anything from dominic cummings i want to see you in a garden with a full apology so she's written that you

said all right for blah blah followed by a sigh and she said well excuse me mr la de da and i thought i thought the question wasn't returned and I wandered off to find my mate verdict. Definitely saltier than a sweaty armpit. Please keep my name anonymous. Oh dear. I don't work in PR anymore, but I'm sure the buggers could track me down. See, so anyway, right. We'll keep your name anonymous.

We'll bleep your name out, but please, whoever you are, Mr. Blogs. You've got to say, please keep and on us at the start of an email anyway so the person who sent this in you know you are if you've got i think it's nonsense if you've got more details we're in west london give us dates give us times give us events and we'll track this down and i'll put it to josh winnicbe in a full salty court case but at the moment i'm calling bullshit i'm afraid right right so rob yes your daughter is going to school in september and this leads me on to something that i had suppressed about uh my own schooling which i will take you through oh okay my children returned to school this week part-time we were sat in a car outside school waiting for it to open when I decided to go over what he would expect when he goes inside

just to try and ease the worries. Having a chat about what was going to happen that day, I explained it to him about hand-washing, social distancing, etc. Then I mentioned he would need to put his clothes straight in the washing machine and get in the shower when he gets in. He immediately starts crying, saying he doesn't want to go to school because I said he has to have a shower. I know seven-year-old boys are a bit meh,

and I usually have to bribe him to shower and brush his teeth. For instance, his favorite thing to reply when asked him to brush his teeth at the moment is why they aren't going anywhere, as if that's the reason why he needs to brush them. Anyway, I digress. As much as I think he's being very dramatic and over the top, I mean at this point, he was absolutely sobbing. Through gritted teeth, I

explain about how the virus survives on clothes and skin for a period of time. Was there enough tears to act as a shower? Could he just cry himself clean? How upset is he? Sorry. Interrupts me. No. And says, so will it be like when I go for my swimming lessons?

Will there be separate showers? At this point, I realized he genuinely thought he was going to have to undress upon entering the school, shower, and then walk around naked for the whole day. Oh, bless. That is horrendous. Awful. What a thing to make a kid go through. Yeah.

I do think, though, sometimes you do need to tell kids less because that is stressful. You should borrow in trouble there because him having to have a shower when he gets in from school, he doesn't need to know that until he gets in from school. He's not going to do anything that will stop. He's not like, oh, do I? I had one on the way home.

Do you know what I mean? There's no need for him to have that information until he gets home. And then you go oh just jump in the shower and try and make it a bit more fun I've made that mistake before with

when I tell my daughter something about the next day or the night before and then you're like oh you'll be like nursery tomorrow and she'll be like I don't want to go to nursery

and you're like why have I brought this up yeah yeah what have I achieved by bringing this up all you've got to do is sleep now tomorrow we'll tomorrow tomorrow about tomorrow.

Don't worry. Yeah. So this reminded me, I'd forgotten this, in terms of being naked at school. Yeah. So this didn't happen to me, but it happened at my school. So when you're at primary school, you do, like, productions, like plays and stuff.

I can't believe this. I don't, this isn't a false memory. I'm sure this is true. At primary school, we did a production of The Emperor's New Clothes. It's a Hans Christian Andersen story. He's an emperor who, his two tailors make him clothes, but they're invisible, right? And they tell him that only a stupid person wouldn't be able to see the clothes.

So he pretends he can see the clothes. And then he ends up walking naked down in front of everyone, all of his subjects who all pretend they can see the clothes. And then he ends up walking naked down in front of everyone, all of his subjects who all pretend they can see the clothes. And then at the end, a child says, but daddy's naked, right? And that's the story. We did this as a play at my primary school. Oh, God. And this ended up with like one of the kids in a pair of pink Y fronts

just walking down in front of all of the kids and all the parents as the emperor. Isn't this insane? That actually is a therapy to sort that out. Imagine being that kid. I know. Well, I mean, it's great to get the lead role, don't get me wrong, but what teacher is choosing the emperor's new clothes and thinking that is a play we need to put on for the parents of the local village?

Imagine you're the mother or father of that child who gets the lead role. Call, oh, the play, is it? Okay, well, just tell me what he needs for his costume. Right, okay, yeah, go on. Pink wire fronts, fine, bit odd, yeah. What else? Pardon?

No, no, what else? What else for the costume? Nothing. So just pink wire fronts for my boy. Okay, fine. Okay, I'll just send him out in front of a room of 200 adults just in his pants.

What a weird selection. What a weird decision that is. You're better off just putting on like a leotard that's got like a body on it. You know, like

not like if you can't have a drone. One of those comedy aprons with a naked body on. Yeah, like the tits. Yeah, exactly.

So a seven-year-old boy wearing an apron with big tits on it that sounds like a puff that's actually not as weird as just the pants no i'd say that's a positive that's a bit of a laugh isn't it that but that is that is insane um if you've had any like costume disasters or any school if you've had to make a costume for children at school or it's gone wrong in some way or you've got anything on the things we've discussed, this is how to get in touch. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents.

You can also get in touch with us on our P.O. Box. We've got someone who has asked... I just heard P.O. Box then. When you our P.O. Box. We've got someone who has asked. I just heard P.O. Box then. When you said P.O. Box, sorry. I just laughed, so it's pretty childish. Just to be clear, it's the opposite of what we're trying to achieve here. We have not got a P.O. Box. We've got a P.O. Box.

Do you want the P.O. Box number? Yeah. It's P.O. Box, N-O-N-C-E. London. That's a joke. P.O. Box 76748. London E99DW. And we've got an email from someone who is going to send us some bath toys for children,

which I'm very excited about because really we're only doing this for the kickbacks. I know. You look at James Acaster and and ed gamble and their food podcast they've got like spare rooms full of food oh it's unbelievable it's unbelievable the food they get we're here for the kickbacks people so you know that's what the p.m box is there for and also any shit art done by your children yeah of course i know could i just say that my my daughter's currently in the market for a brand new macbook and um and an ipad so just if any but no worries if not but that's what they are into and a backup for me thank you thank you for listening we'll be back on tuesday and our guest on tuesday is rosie ramsey the um um wife of Chris Ramsey the comedian she's a

um well she's a king of the podcast queen of the podcasts with Chris and she's written a book and she's got a four-year-old boy called Robin and we can work out the truth behind the Robin tooth break accident Josh quite quite intrigued about that aren't we Robin tooth oh no sorry I was thinking Robin Thicke then sorry i was about to say let's end the podcast see you on tuesday we've run out of banter bye