Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP24: Gavin and Malcolm

Episode Date: July 19, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S01 EP24: Gavin and MalcolmMore misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent Got something to send us?LPHPO BOX 76748LondonE9 9DWA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. Wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with the Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection. Visit tresemme.com to learn more. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation...

And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with Josh Whittaker. Good. Rob Thicke. What do you think of that one, Rob? I think somebody should tell that mother that her child can't speak yet. I mean, A plus for effort, but that's just, she spat when she heard our names. It's the worst one we've had in terms of sheer quality.

That was Fran Barsby. That was her two-month-old son, Kian. Oh, two months. I mean, imagine you said, that was a seven-year-old boy. What about, let's see progress. Let's redo it when he can speak, and then we can hear the evolution of Kian's voice. Yeah, that'd be lovely.

The nation can follow it. We have become part of their bedtime routine. Oh, yeah. Bathtime feed, then gentle rocking to the soulful tones of Josh and Rob while we're looking to get him to sleep. Well, I've heard some people say that they listen to this with kids in the car, and they've started calling me the sweary one. I think I swear on this, don't I?

Well, a bit stiff there, can't you? You won't go for it unless it's necessary for the line. I think I swear a little bit, but, you know, sometimes passion takes over. I'm really, I'm not bothered by swearing at all. I really like that thing of like, on TikTok, I've been seeing this thing where people swear in front of their parents in a non-swearing house, and then they'll be like, oh, shit, that. And then they hear their parents go, oh, Olivia, really?

Come on. And I feel like, you're a fucking cunt. That's that in your mouth. Your 24-year-old daughter can't say s**t ridiculous um on that we will come back to your week because you're going to need to beat this out again this is absolutely amazing so i'm going to forward you this email rob so uh this is from uh grant alan my nine-year-old daughter decided to keep a record of all the different types of food she was eating in a week. Okay. She wanted to write mango chutney.

I've sent you the picture. Okay, let me... Oh, wow. But she's done it the wrong way round. She's attempted to write chutney, but chutney mango, but then she's just written chutney mango. Do you know, I think I've actually used that before as a turn of phrase with a mango that just won't ripen.

You know, what's wrong with you, Robert? It's that c***y mango still out. A lot of bleeps in this episode. A lot of bleeps in this episode. Oh, you can understand what she's written by the bleeps. I'm hoping our audience can put it together. Yeah.

Anyway, how's your week been? Well, my daughter, the eldest one, well, a couple of things happened. Basically, I've started this new game

where I've just started giving them weird random names. I don't really say their names on here just so they can have an identity away from me

at some point in their lives. But I've started calling one Malcolm and oneavin because it's just funny and then when i say gavin come here they go i'm not gavin and it was a bit of banter or i go oh sorry gavin oh i mean and then i just get the names on and it was a fun but then it got to the point where they just start calling each other malcolm and g now. So I've got these two girls running around going, Gavin, Gavin, and I don't know when it's going to stop. So now it's gone beyond the joke. So have they adopted Malcolm and Gavin?

Is it clear-cut who is Malcolm and who is Gavin? Oh, they're clear as day. That one's Gavin, that one's Malcolm. They know that. That's a given. It started off as a bit of a joke, but they've started introducing themselves as Gavin and Malcolm and then laughing and running off.

It's got to stop at some point. Yeah, when she goes to school. So who's going to school first, Malcolm or Gavin? Malcolm's going to school. So she's going to hopefully not introduce herself as Malcolm. You're talking about your wife losing her voice. My four-year-old's lost her voice because she is like me, just not stop talking. It's like she talks in her sleep

she's everything and she'll go um dad and she'll just like drag everything out in order to have a conversation talks at you the whole time she goes can we have a chat let's chat i want to chat she's gone raspy she's losing her voice she sounds like a club rep you know that a club rep that's been in magaluf all summer and they've not slept properly. They've been out boozing. They say, hello, dad, good day. And I've been getting her to say, lads, the best I can do is free entry and free drinks. Do you fancy it?

While she's working on the strip. My gran, when she had a load of mugs, so she went to a shop. They had all, you know, you get those things that have names on, like, so you buy like the Josh mug or the Rob mug or whatever. So she went, she went to a shop. They had all, you know, you get those things that have names on, like, so you buy like the Josh mug or the Rob mug or whatever. So she went in a shop and they'd sold out of all the popular names.

So they just had like six really unpopular names. So she bought them as a set. What did she get? So she had Neville. Neville! Tessa. I think one ofville! Tessa. I think one of them was Tessa.

Yes, yes. I can't remember that she had, so she'd be like, you'd be drinking out of Neville and then she'd have Sandra.

It was great. It's a really good set of mugs to have for unpopular names. I think it just goes through cycles because sort of older names are popular

now, aren't they? Like Ruby and things like that, which there was never any sort of Rubies at school when I was at school. It was all like victoria's and there was all the boys were called like james and stuff like that yeah did you have dispute over your children's names

no not really not really no it's quite we didn't do that thing we go we just gotta wait till it's born to see what they look like they look the same on. They look the same. They're red and upset. So unless you're going to call it the name after a fucking dragon, I don't know what... It's red and angry and little. It's like, oh no, I just looked and it just, it wasn't a Claire. It was a Julie.

I could just tell in her eyes. All right, mate. Yeah. You just tell yourself that. Of course it wasn't a Claire. It looks like a fucking alien. That's what it looks like. I'm going to call this one ET,

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has happened this week. I'm about to choose those names. Gavin did a shit in a car. In a little toy car. It's actually the same notes as my stag do now, it sounds like. Gavin did a shit in a car. No, you know in my little Ty car. It's actually, it's the same notes as my stag do now. It sounds like Gavin did a shit in a car. No, you know,

little Tykes cars, Malcolm, Malcolm running. I went, Gavin's done a shit in the car. I shouldn't say shit. Gavin's done a poo in the car. And I went in there and there was a,

like an actual lump of, used it like a toilet. There's like a lump of poo in the car. So how big, what kind of car is this? You know, those little ones, just little solo red cars.

They move their feet to go along. You know, that classic kids car. Oh, right. Red one with a yellow roof. That way. It's got a monopoly on kids cars. Yeah, yeah. The classic.

Like the BlackBerry in the 90s. In my head, I thought you meant like a little toy car. Like a kind of, I was like, bloody, like she managed to get it in through the window. No, she hasn't got that much precision. No way. No, this is more, she used it as a toilet. And also as well, I was trying to to watch i don't know about you do you ever watch like the ufc or boxing on like you're not really into like fight sports are you that much i don't like i don't like ufc i

watched the big boxing fights well ufc there was a big ufc fight at the weekend and um it's quite obviously way more violent than boxing isn't it like boxing's still pretty violent but i'd say it's a bit bit more extreme so like i always when there's a big fight and i say to lou i'll get out with the girls because they get up at six and then basically what i do is give them like treats and stuff and then put them in another room watching telly and then i try and watch it either on my laptop or on a telly somewhere else try and watch the fighting but they keep coming in like basically because i could watch it all in the morning but then they keep coming in and like, basically, because I could watch it all in the morning. But then they keep coming in and out. I'm like, oh, look, and there's a bloke with his nose hanging off. And they're like, what's wrong with his face?

What are they doing, Daddy? I'm like, they're cuddling. They're cuddling. All right? They're cuddling. And I don't know if I told this story, but it reminded me of when I went to watch the Fury-Wilder fight. Okay, so Fury-Wilder, the biggest fight, and I was buzzing for it. For me, it's huge, right?

It's like a blur reunion of Plymouth getting promoted to two it's a big deal you know whatever league they're in i don't know i'll say this anyway big deal for me and also we were going on holiday that day so our flight was like 1 p.m so i got do you avoid the result well yeah but i got up to watch it live because we were having to get up early anyway so if i got five and watch it and then when everyone else starts waking up at six i've watched the fight we can start to get up early anyway. So I thought, if I've got five and watch it, and then when everyone else starts waking up at six, I've watched the fight, we can start to get dressed and load up the car and go on holiday, right? So it's quite tight with timings,

but I'm like, right, I've planned all this, yeah? So I've got up at five, I watch it, and it's like incredible, right? And then it's really kicking off. It's getting a bit like brutal. And I had to pause it. And obviously my phone's like, ding, ding, ding. Everyone's texting me about it.

And then like, they both come downstairs, right? And she's like, what are you watching? I want to pause it and obviously my phone's like ding ding ding everyone's texting me about it and then like they both come downstairs right and she's like what you want I want to sit with you daddy I was like go in the other room right at 5am I went to them if you go in that room I'll give you a cornetto because I thought I went to desk on four at 5am I've offered both of them a cornetto and even they looked at me were like I've just got up. I mean, you could argue that you were just getting the holiday started early, couldn't you? It was a holiday day.

Let's have a Cornetto. At this point, though, like you've got to weigh up your children's sort of wellbeing, their diet, their lifestyle choices. Plus it's the fight of the century. So, you know what I mean? Something's got to give. So for me, it was the Cornettos. But they just looked at me in disgust.

In the end, obviously, they had Cornettos they're two and four did you get to watch the fight yeah so I managed to watch the fight but they did have four packs of Haribo in the playroom before 7am which is not a lifestyle choice I'd endorse but you've got to do what you've got to do there's not often a big fight I think you can let them you know you can let them have the Haribo it's not like there's a big fight every weekend do you can let them, you know, you can let them have the Haribo. It's not like there's a big fight every weekend. Do you know what I mean? That's acceptable. Yes, exactly. Anyway, so that happened. And also I started playing golf. Oh yeah. You're not a golfer, are you Josh? I haven't got the mentality. That's what I thought, right? I thought I'd get frustrated. It takes too long. It's boring. I haven't got time to spend. It takes like hours, right? Once you

have kids, do you know what happens in golf josh you are allowed to be at the house for four hours because that's how long golf takes amazing so it's not like going to the pub but it's two hours or whatever or going somewhere else so you basically get to leave really early and then you can have a you get to have a beer there after right you're out the house for four hours and sometimes josh if it's a bit windy or cold i don't even play the hole i just walk up Sometimes, Josh, if it's a bit windy or cold, I don't even play the hole. I just walk up with my mate. You don't even play?

I don't even play the hole. I don't keep score. I have a wander about. It's it when I fancy it. So you're not even like, I could say, what's your handicap? You go, I don't know. Don't keep score. My handicap is I don't play all the holes. That's quite a big handicap.

But yeah, I don't keep score. Why don't you play if it's too windy? Just because you're like, I'm too difficult. I'm not there for the golf. I'm there to be away. That's what it is. No one actually likes golf.

All the other blokes there, it's all blokes just going, yeah, it's great, isn't it? I'm at the house for ages. That's why they do 18 holes. It's mental. And then you're allowed to go on a golf trip.

And do you know what a golf trip is? It's a piss up. It's a four day piss. Basically, they play golf in the morning. They just drink all afternoon and night. Plus, you can have beer with you on the course in the morning during the day. Really? Right, Josh, let's do this.

You've got a child. You've got a wife. You're saying, Rose, I'm going to Magaluf for four nights. What would Rose say? Yeah, well, she'd say that's totally not going to happen. Yeah, what, with your mate? She's going to Magaluf getting drunk? No, ridiculous.

You're a grown up, right? Rose, you's totally not going to happen. Yeah, what, with your mate? She's just going to Magaluf getting drunk? No, ridiculous. You're a grown-up, right? Rose, you know I've been playing golf. I'm going to go on a golf trip to Portugal with Robert and a few friends. Oh, that would be great. Bit of exercise. You love golf? Yeah, that's cool. Sure.

It's the same as Magaluf, but you just do a walk before you get pissed. You just have to check your clubs in. That's the only difference is you have to pay to check your clubs. The only difference is a slightly bigger bag. That's the only difference. It's great. So I am banging to it now. And I just couldn't believe that that's an option. Have you got all the gear?

Like, are you dressed as one of those golfers when you go? Are you wearing like the... Well, I didn't. When I went before, I didn't. But I started buying some stuff. Like, you know, I don't necessarily like or want to wear, you can't go to golf just like you're going to the pub the whole outfit in the bag you know that's the facade you have to do all that so it looks like you're going golf but and you are going golf but you're not going golf it's like you found a loophole yeah and then

and here's me cleaning my shed yeah the bugg banner. It's like go-karting. It's unbelievable, Josh. I couldn't believe. And I... You know, my mentality before was like, I'll get frustrated if it takes too long. Great. The longer, the better.

No one wants to go round quick, do they? So you're stuck in a bunker thinking this is just more Rob time. Oh, yeah. It's basically a beach. Get a towel, let that down. Still in here, lads. I'll meet you on the 18th. I'm well into yeah. It's basically a beach. Get a towel. Still in here, lads. I'll meet you on the 18th. I'm well into it.

It's a nicer beach than Brighton because it's like sand. Yeah. It's much more pleasant. And you can have a chat with your mates, have a catch up, and also go with your mates that take it too serious. They miss a couple of shots. It's hilarious. They're getting so angry.

Sometimes as well, if I'm not very good off the t-shirt i'll just walk along with my mate and just throw it near his and i'll go from there who are you donald trump isn't that what donald trump does they're your own rules who cares you're paying for the time and the course do it how you'll enjoy it anyway when you're prime minister in 10 years we should have known the way he played his golf but i'm'm not trying to say like I'm good at it or anything. I'm trying to keep score and I beat you then. I'm not. I'm just living my life on the course, John.

Would you take lessons? I think I might do because I cannot hit it properly off the tee. I'm all right with the rest of it, but I might get someone to teach me how to hit it. But yeah, as long as you don't take it too serious, it's an incredible way to have a bit of me time and also if you are rubbish you don't sometimes i do i'll hit it in the rough so if someone's annoying me on the whole to get away with it from them a bit so it's good because you

know you're on a walk with someone and the conversation's boring if you ping it the other side you can just tap out of that conversation so yeah i mean i'm all for it for all the wrong reasons but it's a great way to get away from your kids that's all i'm saying great way great way well i look forward to hearing how it carries on and i look forward to your first golf trip we'll go together we could do an episode of this from the course i think you'll get into it like i can already hear the producer absolutely the drips of sweat coming down his forehead. On a windy hill, on a windy day. Do you want to hear from our listeners, Rob? Yes, and I want to hear about the Bing intro and why, is it the panda?

I think it's the panda, takes his trousers off for no reason and everyone else is dressed. I want to know. Yes. It's from Christopher Hyde. Go on, Chris. After listening to Friday's first Mailbag special, I wanted to contact you about a couple of things related to Bing.

I thought Rob might want to read the Den of Geeks theory about Bing. This is a website. As he's quite right that none of it makes sense whatsoever. For example, where are the parents? So, so glad that someone else has noticed Pando's trousers. My wife and I first noticed it when our daughter was about two haven't been able to unsee it since in every episode he's either detrousered for the entirety of the story or removes them at some point we were quite disturbed made salty by this so i googled it to see what the crack was i found a few other people

questioning it online great pub there if he meant it or not. The crack. Oh, yeah, that is good. I'd miss that. That's poor for me. It's just too stiff. Relax, mate. Get loose enough. Too stiff. My neck is absolutely rigid.

I found a few other people questioning it online. An official statement from the show has been released. Oh, yes. Apparently, it's because there are children who remove their trousers at times of excitement and by showing a character doing it on screen it normalises it for those children. I have been a primary school teacher for 10 years and have never encountered a child doing this. Did you buy that theory? Well I mean it is a statement from the show. It feels like they're backtracking

because they've got some sort of maverick editor that just did it off his or her own steam. It's very much checking your eyesight by going to Barnard Castle, that excuse, isn't it? One, why do you need to normalise it? It's not a problem, really. It's not like kids are in therapy because they keep taking their trousers off, right?

So it's only to normalise it. Two, who's going to that show with their kid to go like, look, it's fine. The panda's doing it too. But that conversation doesn't need to happen. It just needs to be like, just put your trousers back on. We're in the shops. Like it's not, it shouldn't be normalised.

It's not okay. It's not bad either, but it shouldn't be normalised. It's like, that's what we do. If someone was having a go at you because your kids have taken their trousers off in a, you know, in a wimpy or whatever, you can't go watch the titles to Bing, actually, because Pando does it. Pando does it.

Also, I'd rather people be angry with me about it than encourage it. I don't, oh, it's great. Oh, it's great. Their kids' trousers coming off. Get the fuck off. I'm trying to have a bender in a bun here. Give me a break.

So that's put that to bed, but it hasn't. But that does explain, that is their excuse for it. That's what the official statement is in it. You know, but my daughter did do

a poo in that little Tykes car. You're not getting Pando just defecating everywhere to normalise it, are you? Well, no. That'd be a terrible show.

I mean, if Pando was normalising the behaviour of every five-year-old child he'd be absolutely the most reckless panda you could ever imagine that the whole of bing would be ruined as he is his reign of terror anyway well at least at least there's an official announcement on that but i'm still not convinced what else we got josh has someone else been in contact this will make you feel like a better parent this is from emma okay one morning during a lovely hot summer, my daughter was at her time, was three years old, decided now was the right time to give me a wake-up call on my lack of security.

I was rudely awakened by a loud banging on the front door. I jump out of bed thinking, please don't wake my daughter. I'm really not ready to get up properly yet. I stumbled to the front door. One eye open, only to see my daughter is stood there with a strange man. Oh my God, what's going on darling calmly you know you must never answer the door without mummy she replied i know holding a huge bag of sweets in my head i was thinking all sorts at this point strange man bag of sweets stranger danger so i grabbed my daughter rather quickly it's about to slam the door in the face

and ring the police when the man piped up and said she didn't answer the door. I'm bringing her back from the shops. Turns out the shop owner had known this man well enough to trust him to bring back safely. She had managed to go to the shop alone. She walked naked

but for a nightie to the shop, all the way to the shop. Started helping herself to the pick and mix and bagging it up. How old was she? She was three. Fucking hell, that is awful. She must have felt devastated the mum. Three?

Can you imagine that? Three? And she's just got up. I don't know how she's got out of the front door. The shop has started bagging up her own pick and mix also imagine being the man the poor man that's been asked by the shop owner to walk this he's innocent in all this to walk back the child imagine getting stopped by the police is that your child no why is it why is she in a nighty um i don't know where does she live i don't know why she got sweets it's a long

story imagine the panic he must have been so worried. If I was that guy, I'd go in the shop and say, could you take the child back? I'd go, I'll man the shop. You take the child back. Yes. I would much rather be in charge

of selling a few newspapers for 20 minutes. Than a child. A child I'd never met. Walk them back to their house. It's how far the shop was. No. So if Emma wants to get back to us, the questions we want to ask is, how far was the shop and how did she get out the front door? If you know how she the shop was? No. So if Emma wants to get back to us, the questions we want to ask is,

how far was the shop and how did she get out the front door? If you know how she got out the front door. And are you still allowed to look after her? Those must be three questions. Do you want one more for social services? Oh, yes, please. I mean, it's fine because I think the problem is when it happens a lot, isn't it?

Everyone's allowed one. Yeah. Where you've let your guard down and the kids exploited it exactly some of this is from uh vincent gattan summer 2019 long days light till 11 p.m putting my six-year-old to bed my wife had already done the same with our three-year-old stories read cuddle administered i come downstairs decide i'll walk the dogs i call out i'm going to run the dogs around the park back in 10 to my wife in the kitchen and set off. After a lovely 10 minute stroll

in the summer evening sun, I leave the park and head back towards the house. In the distance, I see a woman who looks strangely like my wife carry a co-op bag walking towards the drive

from the opposite direction. The closer I get, the more my heart sinks. She spots me. I love it. With a look of somewhere between terror and anger, she shouts, what the fuck have you been? Where are the kids?

We both broke into a sprint to the front door and bundled into the house to find them both asleep, safe and well. She wasn't in the kitchen when I called. She had already gone on a pre-announced trip for basic supplies oh god oh can you imagine that moment in the park I now need visual confirmation that I'm not abandoning my kids before leaving the house

for any reason that is amazing I do think that the summer the late sunny nights of summer really affect bedtime the kids are all over the place they just don't respect bedtime anymore because they mind go look out the window go but daddy it's morning look it's morning you know yes i know it's bright i can't i don't really understand why it's still bright but that just happens this time of year so i can't explain to you why it's happening but it is but just go to sleep you're not going to be able to tell a four-year-old about the equator or whatever. I mean, I could barely tell her that. I don't really know why it's so bright.

It just is. But you've got to go to bed or you'll be tired tomorrow. Okay? So let's not question it. Let's just get our nut down. We've got a busy day tomorrow. All right? What I like about you is you create this relaxing atmosphere for a child to go to sleep, Rob.

It must just be a joy. Get your nut down, all right? Got a busy day tomorrow. Got preschool in the morning. We're going to Danny and Grandad's after, right? And if you don't listen, no ice creams, all right? Right, let's go, go, go. Whoa, what are you listening to this for?

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That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze, and it felt a little like... Come on kids, back to the hotel room. Goodnight kids. Goodnight mama. Life's a trip.

Make the most of it at Best Western. Josh, would you like some salty or not salty emails about your behaviour? Well, wood is a big term, but i'm willing to put up with them do you know what i fear most about this is it's going to get to the point where you know because you're a nice bloke you're lovely to everyone there's not going to be enough salty ones and it's going to be like well why don't we see if you're salty or not salty rob and all i know is sober rob's a very different man to drunk rob oh yeah that's what my panic is with all of these salty emails is i'm confident when i remember stuff that i've been all right but yeah it's those hours of slight blackout where

i've been somewhere do you know what i mean yeah well i've i think also i go out a lot in southeast london where it is a bit primal still so it's like if you show any weakness they jump on you like i was in a pub beer garden on super saturday i was a covid idiot you know when everyone was i presumed as much yeah and then there was a group of like rugby lads come in it was like giving me crap from over the way a bit and like and then one of them come over to talk to me and he had a he had a big stripy blue and white like rugby top yeah one of them come over to talk to me and he had a big stripy blue and white like rugby top. And as he come over

to speak to me he was like swaggering over a bit because they're a bit cocky because they've been giving himself. I just went to him fuck off cotton traders. I got a massive laugh from the group

and then he went off. But that written down in an email is awful. That's so much salt.'s too much that's unpalatably salty that's over seasoned yeah so when you put you know all-purpose seasoning hello i'm doing work i'll speak to you in a minute okay is that him again yeah that's it my cotton trainers do. No, that is Gavin just banging on the window. Let me sort this out one second. Hello.

Is preschool okay? Oh, I thought it was going to be on Friday. Graduating on Wednesday. She's been expelled two days before graduation and they're trying to pass it off as a graduation. That is embarrassing for all concerned. Right, sorry about that. It's all right.

Graduated? At four, somehow. I don't know how that works. Sorry, that was my daughter that was banging. It's all right. Graduated? At four, somehow. I don't know how that works. Sorry, that was my daughter. It was banging. She's finishing preschool. She's starting big school in September, like primary school. But they do like a graduation thing.

So she had a graduation hat and a little medal. But I didn't know that was a thing. Did you know that? Yeah, they do. They do that at my daughter's nursery. There's a little graduation gown. Can of Pays, I imagine. Yeah, they all throw their hats in the air.

Anyway, we're supposed to be doing salty emails, aren we josh we've really gone on a tangent here anyway okay so this is about you here we go hi robin josh loving the podcast even though we don't have kids that's good to know i tell you if you don't have kids right and you listen to this and you want us to answer any questions perfect i mean i'm sure you've got a that's quite a good you know if you're thinking about having kids maybe we could help with that decision in many ways if we're putting people off having kids we're doing good things about overpopulation which is a genuine problem for the world but it's not i've read about this apparently basically we used to have i've read this in the news today a woman would normally have 4.7 kids on average in the 50s right but now it's

like 1.9 okay right because of women are allowed careers now. It's crazy, isn't it? Unbelievable, right? So if anything, feminism has ruined the world. But let's not get bogged down by that. That's a joke. Yeah. For the Guardian readers that listen to us because of Josh.

Well, I can see. Now that we've got video, I can see how much you're panicking. No, but basically, because women aren't at home as much and they're working and stuff like that, and also people don't want as many kids, whether it's for their space or whatever, it's dropping and they're worried because there's going to be a huge population of old people,

no young people paying all the taxes. Anyway, so apparently... So get shagging. Get fucking. Get fucking. Get fucking. That was the headline, wasn't it? The Guardian, get fucking.

Babe, I know you've got an headache, but the world's ending. All you've got to do is part with me for three minutes right here we go salty or not salty let's do this uh don't have kids still like the podcast um they at all they've just said it's confirmed they made the right decision to not have any okay good to know we've helped there anyway my partner met josh on a train from london from London to Edinburgh around 2010 and shared a four-table the whole journey. He tells me Josh was very friendly and chatted a lot, which implies you drove the conversation. And I can imagine.

Oh, no, no, no. On a four-hour journey to Edinburgh, you do not want chat. You're worried about your show. You don't want to talk. Maybe it was my way out of working on my show. That's the only thing I can think. Now, every time we go and see Josh live live only twice we're not stalkers and we watch him on the telly every time we see him our partner says look there's my mate josh so you know that's nice that's a good story yeah that's nice i'm pleased with that i would say those trains to

edinburgh are an absolute lottery so what will happen is you'll get the train to edinburgh are an absolute lottery so what will happen is you'll get the train to edinburgh festival and they'll be like a window of two days maybe when you know all the comics in london are going up to edinburgh festival and you put your seat and you're like please god don't let there be a comedian on the seat next to it i don't want to have to talk to him. Please. All you tell them you're getting that trade, and they go, well, we'll sit together. And you go, no, I'm in first class. And they're like, oh! And then you have to sit.

I booked it early. I booked it early. I'm not up to that. I booked it early. Oh, my brother went up there to Edinburgh because he was on the awards panel years ago. And he couldn't get a seat. He sat on the floor in between the carriages

next to a family of five that had a KFC bucket and a pit bull. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm actually one best newcomer, that little truth. Funny story. Anyway, here we go. Just a quick one to say, I was on a stag do at the... What's that Mac Festival in Wales? Yeah. How did you say it? I'm 100. Oh, he came up to me then say i was on a stag do at the mac what's that mac festival in wales

yeah i'm a hundred oh he came up to me then did he all stack in 2012 before you immediately jump to conclusions we are most certainly not the lads lads lads type stag do much more of a drink loads of craft hours and watch them stand up stag do right um we went to get tickets for josh's gig which was at the time was just a little booth near the campsite rather than the box office style they have now. However, there were not enough tickets for all of us to go. So we plumped for the Stag Do's favourite, Josie Long.

My boy, that is not a Stag Do gig. Josie's great, but I wouldn't send her in for a Stag Do in John Lewis. We met Josh right next to the box of an explainer situation. He apologised for tickets not being available available but then proceeded to laugh his head off and we said we're on a stag do go and see josie long the um ellis james did a preview there like your first preview where it's off notes you've never said it before and when he arrived it was a hen do of 20 and the hen was a big ellis fan and they traveled from aborist with

just for this gig and they were traveling straight back oh wow he said he was doing new material and he felt it was his duty just to do his old show even though he traveled all the way to mac fest oh bless because he felt like you can't you can't be trying out stuff to a hendu. He'd been up at 3am as well because of Izzy's bad back. It's a trooper, that guy. Talking about that, like people come and see him, put pressure on him.

I'm supposed to be doing some gigs in an open air theatre and it's just like a 40 minute extended set and I'm not gigged in like four months. The Times want to review it. I was like, leave it. Come on, mate. Give me a chance.

That's unbelievable. It's like reviewing a pre-season friendly in football and going, you've run out of energy towards the end. I can't keep the ball for three months. Anyway, let's forget about this. Also, this guy, David Daunton, David Daunton,

who met up with you, also, he's had quite a tricky COVID time. He has three kids, 11, 9 and 4, and he's trying to work from home and homeschool two primary school children and a tasmanian devil or a four-year-old is seriously getting on his tits which are bigger now because of lockdown so he's put on mate the poor fella add to that my wife works frontline nhs so i have to do this all on my own during the week and he's he's not putting it in there but you cannot complain, mate. No. If your wife's front line,

one of your kids, two of them can hold you down and the other's shit in your mouth and you cannot complain about your situation. Do you think he's thinking, you should be applauding for me, really, yeah? The other parents don't know

it's to be for me to come up. Off the front line. Also, get this, Josh. Not only has he had to work from home and homeschool these three kids, why has that been a hero? He broke his ankle last weekend. Oh.

He's doing that with a broken ankle. Oh, my God. But his wife is not impressed, but it does mean I've managed to get Steve finished to win the Champions League and six Premier League titles in a row on Championship Manager 01-02. How has he done that?

How has he got the time for that? He can't look after the kids can you i've broken i broke my ankle when i had a two-month-old and a two-year-old and lou went to me you've got to get better or die anyway yeah so josh you love your life non-sorty but should we do that if anyone any sorty interactions with me life, non-salty. But should we do that? Any salty interactions with me? Yeah. Or non-salty? Either of us.

It's only fair, isn't it? Either of us, it's fine. I think the thing with the salty ones is they don't need to be that salty. Because what I've found is, let's be honest, a lot of the time it's in your own head. It's not me being salty at all. Oh, so you're blaming the public?

I'm blaming the public. So they've misinterpreted the rules. You're like, my hand got... Do you know what I'm doing? I'm gaslighting the public. That's what I'm doing. Josh Winokun's gaslit the whole country. If you want to get in touch with us with anything salty,

or, you know, if you've left your child in the house on their own, or anything that was brought up, brought up by this episode, that sounds like a warning at the end of a soap opera, but you know what I mean. Trigger. If there's trigger warnings of this, I say your children may shit in your mouth and it won't be as bad as being a frontline worker. That's a good trigger warning. Trigger warnings are more like spoiler alerts,

aren't they? Yeah, I would say you've done the trigger warning at the end of the show, which unless people are working their way back, that's a bit of an issue. Is that not how you listen to them? I thought those crying ones got more boring as it went on it's like memento watching it backwards you just have to piece it together thank you for listening guys don't forget to uh review us and give us a five star uh rating and all that malarkey i always hate you always say malarkey i hate it do you ever say i only ever say malarkey when I'm talking about shit admin

I have to get our listeners to do. Yeah. It's not shit admin. It's great admin. Is it a South East London thing, malarkey? Malarkey? Yeah, it's a little bit. I do.

I knock out some really old sort of like Victorian like cockney sayings. Ark at him. Ark at him. That's quite camp. Ark at him. Oh.

Ark at him. Oh. That Ark at him oh Ark at him with a oh that's camp I don't do that no but anyway please give us a five star review

and leave a comment that'd be great thanks for listening and we'll be back on Tuesday with another episode joining us on Tuesday is the brilliant

Judy Love who you all know as a brilliant comedian and also currently smashing through Celebrity MasterChef she's a loose woman as well Judy Love she's you all know as a brilliant comedian and also currently smashing through Celebrity MasterChef. She's a loose woman as well, Judy Love. She's a loose woman as well.

It was an amazing episode. She was absolutely brilliant. Yeah, really good. She was both absolutely hilarious and it was genuinely kind of moving and informative. Yeah, she had quite a tough time with her two kids. She lost her mum when she was eight months pregnant with her second and then her partner left her and so she had to bring up two kids on her own and she found it

very difficult but she's very open about it which I think is a great thing for people that may be going through something similar can sort of listen to and enjoy and also very funny especially if you're into dicks in the shape of shovels. See you next week. Trigger warning. Spoiler alert. Bye. Bye.