Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP26: Just put a beret on a chicken...

Episode Date: July 24, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S01 EP26: Just put a beret on a chicken...More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent Got something to send us?LPHPO BOX 76748LondonE9 9DWA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick! The clicker around the room! You guys just about finished?

Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback MasterCard. Navigating adulting isn't always easy. You're not just working, you're working late. And dinner dates are all, what's your five-year plan? And you're thinking, paying off the bill for this fancy pants meal probably. So when you need to break free from responsibility

and experience something that feels more you, reach for Kraft Dinner. Because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love, that's when it's gotta be KD. When you gotta do you, it's gotta be KD. Shop now. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe.

And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not.

And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting How with... Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe.

Oh, I like that. Quite playful. And do you want to hit that, Sarah? Flora, aged four, and this is her two-year-old sister, Alice. Flora... Oh, you should have said... You missed a joke there, her sister, Batoli. Come on, Josh. Are we working or not here? Are we working or not here? We're comedians.

You can't let that. I'm just warming it up. You can't leave open goals like that. This is Flora and her sister, Batoli, or Olivia. Whatever you've got, come on, Josh. Alice, expect more. I love that your second reference, I mean, you've really changed if your second reference is Bertoli.

I should have gone Lurpak. You should have gone Lurpak. I can't believe it's not butter. Utterly butterly. And a sister utterly butterly. That's for Bertoli, because we've got Bertoli olive oil. And it's just, I'm not really sure how you say it. Buttolly. Anyway, agree. I should have gone Lurpak

or utterly butterly but all i'm saying is you didn't even try josh come on i didn't spot the opportunity i didn't spot the opportunity rob would you like to hear but only oh they got one from but only go yeah here you go rob beckett what better josh widdicombe it was a slight i had an absolute nightmare it was slightly lighter wasn't it like flora can be a bit heavier lighter from patoli he's got that little italian flair to it they were lovely i mean i feel bad now because that parent's probably gonna be quite defensive and annoyed that i've gone for the obvious joke about flora the name but i I, I like to, and I've always stood by this, even to close friends, I will make comment on your child's name because you just,

I'm just getting them ready for school. If you think that child is going to get through school without any Flora butter jokes, you're mistaken. Kids are awful. So if you put a cup in early doors, you could just, you work your back and forth, work your to and fro out. I also think, you know, Fl of butter jokes are the kind of, if that's the worst thing that happens to you at school, you're fine. Yeah, exactly.

That's, you know, I've robbed the knob. How has your week been, Rob? Week has been stressful. I was in A&E yesterday. Oh, shit, you all right? Well, no, I'm fine. The two-year-old decided to eat money so the two-year-old came running in like gagging and choking it was awful i was going oh there's

a it's stuck it's stuck in my throat it's stuck by throat and then so it was like awful panic stations also though me and lou were in the middle of an argument about food shopping that was getting quite heated and then it's quite weird when like you're in the middle of an argument then you have to switch to like care and parent mode and the argument still hasn't been resolved you can't crack back into it what was the argument Rob I'll resolve it for you now oh no it's a it's a deep-rooted one um basically it's about when I used to work a lot I just sort of like eat out and not really be involved in the food shop Lou'd sort of do a food'd just sort of like eat out and not really be involved in the food shop.

We'd sort of do a food shop for like the girls and her, and that'd be the week and sort it out. And then now I'm home and Lou's a bit more of like a pick up where I'm a bit old school and like, well, what have we got for dinner? She's like, I don't know, whatever it is. It's a deep-rooted issue that I think will only be resolved when I'm sent out on tour for 10 months of 12.

And when you're on Nando's every night. Yeah. So basically, unless I've got a tour manager going to get me Nando's, that's an argument. And I'm not expecting Lou to order shopping. I'm not expecting to do the cooking, but just a bit more communication,

but I've made it worse because I've got to talk about it to her again now. But you know, she's just texted me about something. Could she hear me? No, it wasn't. Is she in the next room next room yeah but that's why it's oh god and now she's gonna hear this and then people will listen to this and because people listen to this and they will come up and say things to her like oh yeah so what's going on with the shopping now rob's off tour and that that doesn't help an argument when a stranger asks no if it's been resolved she'll be she'll be at the nursery gate and someone will go,

I tell you, I've got an idea, actually. What you can do is you can... Have you heard of HelloFresh? It's a great role. Anyway, so it's fine. But it was so weird to go from not having an argument to like, right, we all love each other and got to care about our kid mode, that kind of thing, right?

So anyway, so she comes in like gagging and choking choking she's not really sort of going blue and all that because i i've i have got i don't know if i've mentioned this kids choking in restaurants send me sideways because i've had and i think it's just unlucky i've had a couple of incidences where so one of the kids when she was younger was choking on a crisp in the back of the car and had to pull over on a motorway and like fish it out another one the other one of them started choking on some vegetables had to fish it out one of them swallowed a fucking penny i mean i've got to pick up these pennies in the house swallowed a penny but coughed it out and it was awful and she was like purple and now this one's running society rob oh not in southeast london it's the only way stuff gets moving around here i still

can't pay for a kebab for the car anyway so the two-year-old comes in choking a coffin right but she sort of calms down a bit she goes it's stuck in my throat it's stuck in my throat but what what i think happened was it did get stuck but then she swallowed it and she still thinks it's stuck because it hurts because she was like it's stuck but we're like right we've got to take her to the hospital because it can get stuck but not block the airwaves. And then if something happens, it can then move and block. So I'm like, oh, my God. So anyway.

Oh, my God. So we chuck them all in the car. I've got nothing on me, right? I've driven her barefoot, just shorts and a T-shirt. And Lou's grabbed her bag and put both kids in the back, right? The four-year-old's loving it. She's going, she's eating money. And we're like, you can't tell a four-year-old the seriousness she's going oh we're going to the hospital best

day ever i've been to the doctors can i get an x-ray i love dr range and i'm sitting there going if that coin flips in her throat this is the worst day you can't explain the implications to a four year old of what yeah but i thought you might have been overreacting but i thought you've got to get it checked you don't want to you know anyway so she was still screaming and sort of bit hyperventilating and going oh and so i couldn't tell if she was choking or just upset or if it was stark or not so it was horrible so anyway we drove there and i tell you what if you're driving your kid to um the hospital i have got no respect for the rules of a roundabout i'm just going straight across. The anger.

I nearly got beaten up three times. I got chased at one point by a bloke in a van. And then when he saw me going into the hospital, I think he realised. So I had one guy just screaming and shouting, you fucking fucker. And all that. And I'm just like.

He was just angry because you declared a building job that he'd done. Well, can I explain a bit of the anger in South East London driving? When McDonald's first opened, right, and we were queuing up to go in, and there was about eight people ahead of us in the queue. It wasn't mental. It was like a bank holiday weekend queue where everyone's hungover, right? And as we're queuing to get in, there's about eight people queuing. And then this van driver drove past the queue and just opened his window and screamed, c***s, at everyone.

Wow. And no one was in his way. He wasn't being held up. The queue wasn't stopping him. He just wanted to tell everyone how he felt about people going to McDonald's. So that's the kind of relaxing, welcoming vibe there is in South London. Was he Mr. Wimpy?

Yeah, it was. It was the Burger King. Furious. McDonald's bought all the Perspex. He couldn't set up the kitchen. Also, it takes so long to sanitise crowns, doesn't it? He can't get any work done. So anyway, so I bombed it to the hospital.

I get there and then Lou gets out. And by this point, she sort of calmed down a little bit. And then we had to queue outside. And there was a nice security guard sort of bloke. And then I was like, look, our kids swallowed a coin. But I'm not trying to jump the queue, but I just want to let them know so that i'm not doing something stupid because you know you see those things going oh i just waited in the queue and you think right yeah i've told them anyway so i told them all that and then it all calms down a little bit and then she goes in and they check her and i'm in the car with the four-year-old

who is literally having the best day of her life. She's just in her knickers and a T-shirt, jumping around the car, screaming, playing with a sat-nav, all sorts, right? And then Lou texts me and said they checked and said she's got 100% oxygen. So there's nothing like affecting her. And then they had to wait because they do a thing where they can X-ray to see where it is and all that. But so we're waiting. And while we're waiting, I find out that my four-year-old knows every lyric to the Lizzo song, Good As Hell.

Was it on the radio or was she just doing it? She said, can you play my favourite song? Lou loves Lizzo. I like Lizzo, but Lou loves Lizzo. So Lou's obviously had it on in the car and she's been playing it. So this is a song she said, can you play this one? And she sung it at me.

Hair back, check my nose, baby husband, do the hair. That is amazing. Right, so that's great. And I'm like, this is fine, but good as hell. And then there's the word arse in it. She knows that. And then one bit, this four-year-old, she was singing along. She just went, forget about the bullshit.

She can't know that word. But maybe she doesn't she probably doesn't understand it in the context like she just thinks it's like a weird sound in the lyrics right but she gives it the sass of lizzo so like i've got visions of her at school just feeling i'm feeling good as hell forget about the bullshit miss oh rob you've had a nightmare mate oh yeah you've raised a child i know it's right yeah. You've raised a sassy child. I know. Right, so that's happening in there.

And then I'm getting text updates from Lou about the one that's in A&E because her breathing's fine, but she's got to be checked by a doctor. Okay. So the doctor was well arsey. She was like, okay, so do they normally play with money? And I'm like, no, they don't normally, but they found a coin. They're on a sofa. There's coins on a sofa.

And then he said, has she definitely swallowed it? And then we went, yeah. She said, she came in and said she swallowed it. And then the four-year-old said, yeah, she swallowed money. She ate money. And he went, he said, oh, what, so your only witness is a four-year-old?

What? That's the fucking old Bailey, mate. I'm not trying to prosecute it. Did you have to bring the four-year-old into interrogation? Yeah, exactly. And it,

so basically, we thought, oh, they'll do an extra check or something. And then, because she'd calmed down and then Lou was like, oh,

she keeps hiccuping though. And he went, yeah, that's because she's trying to digest a coin. I was like, all right, okay, mate,

I just didn't know hiccup was a side effect of money. Yeah, so basically, he just sent her home because he went, if it was stuck or lodged, I'd definitely know. But some, apparently He was like, all right, okay, mate, I just didn't know hiccup was a side effect of money. Yeah, so basically, he just sent her home because he went, if it was stuck or lodged, I'd definitely know.

But some, apparently they do like a metal detector thing to see if it's gone far enough down. Oh my God. So anyway, my dad's got a metal detector

so he's bringing it around later so I'm going to check her. I mean, if anyone's excited about the next episode of this podcast now, if you could record,

you've got to record it as a sound file yeah i will well the thing the thing is as well we think it may have passed do you but because we've got to check her we've got to check her poo yeah so of course we we didn't know how you're not made of money you don't want to lose that quid do you want to go amusements or not i can't invent it so i had a thing with hiccups when my daughter was born. Yeah. Where, so you know when you're still in the hospital and it's your first child, so you're so, like, tentative about everything.

Yeah. So they showed me how to change the nappy, right? And so I changed the nappy the first time and she got hiccups. And I thought, right, whatever. And then the second time I changed the nappy, she got hiccups again. And I went to the nurse and I was the nappy she got hiccups again and I went to the nurse and I was like am I doing something wrong here my head my nappy changing technique was giving her hiccups which obviously now sounds completely insane but at the time I was

like I think I'm doing something wrong it's giving her hiccups every time and the nurse obviously looked at me like I was a completely you know understandably she thought I was insane subhuman scum for being that thick yeah but the thing is that's what annoys me a little bit about when you've got new babies everyone expects oh you're natural you're so fatherly or maternal no literally no one has a clue what to do you learn on the job right it's impossible right it's like being a crane driver you can't practice that you learn when you're up there. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread,

over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots are over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard

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Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. The world is yours to create. Echo thanks its presenting partners Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and Mastercard. Rob, I know you've had a bad week. Yes. And it's about to get a lot, lot worse. Oh, no.

That's not how it works. You say to someone, I know you've had a bad week, but this will cheer you up. Well, Rob. That's not how it works. No, it's not how it works. But you are in Darren Kershaw's bad books. Oh, what have I done?

Is this Salty Beckett? No. Hi, Josh and Rob. It's worse. Unfortunately, I write this email with anger and fear in my heart. So angry I had to stop your podcast and write this email before I could carry on. I love your podcast as a father of a two-year-old and a five-year-old and he kept me sane during lockdown however this week Rob you have crossed the line you have broken the gentleman's code has he got cameras in my house

you've pulled back the curtain on our golf illusion and laid it bare for all the months to see. Oh, no. What were you thinking? I've been rejected by my new family. A golf trip is just an excuse for a piss up with the lads. No, no, no. Stop it. You're going to ruin it for every good man out there just looking for a bit of peace. Can I suggest you put out an apology on your next podcast,

taking back what you said, possibly due to a stomach bug that made you delirious. Yes. Got you say all kinds of rubbish and then let's move on. There's nothing to see here. Oh God, I've ruined it, haven't I? You have, Rob. How do you feel? Oh, I think I might have to go back to football hooliganism now.

I've not been accepted by my golf brothers and sisters. Well. Yeah, I just got overexcited. That's my problem. I'm a truth serpent. You know this about me, Josh. I know. I can't help it.

But that's right, though, isn't it? What have I done? Why do I talk too much, Josh? Well, there's another email. There's another email. Oh, no. This is from... Mick Fowdo.

Sorry. Have you been looking in my reference book? Yeah, I have to re-assimilate my reference book? Yeah, I just, I have to, I have to re-assimilate my reference points to whoever I'm talking to. So this is from Sam Torres. Nigel Mansell is a Formula One run for you. Yep.

That or Damon Hill. Who's my tennis? Your tennis, I'd say Agassi, potentially. Yep. Sampras. So this is from Name, name redacted. Right. Didn't want to say to start.

I'll declare. I don't have children, but I love the podcast. I wanted to comment on the perfect excuse of going golfing. My husband and 11 of his friends are currently on a golf trip to Spain. 11? That's too many. You're only allowed to play in fours,

maximum. Who's not playing? Some background to this. 11 years ago, they created a tournament which meant they got to go away for the weekend. They have a green jacket, matching T-shirts and actual trophies complete with presentation and engraving. Over the years, this has developed from one night away in a UK city

to now every year they find an excuse or anniversary to do an international leg. Not only do they do this, they extend it from a four-day trip to a seven-day holiday, usually including some form of road trip or staying in a fancy villa. At least half the blokes still have kids, but still manage to get away with the seven whole days

essentially getting shit-faced from 9am. We plan on having kids soon, and I'm aiming before the next annual golf trip I will be cutting up his passport. Please don't say my name, as I don't want my future plans of destroying his passport to be common knowledge. Well, that's the thing.

It's all just an escape. My father-in-law goes fishing, right? He's got three daughters. He goes fishing, and my parents are talking to him about it, saying our friends go near us down on the coast and that's a good one and that's really good for fishing and stuff like that. He went, I'll be honest with you,

sometimes I get down there and I sit on the beach and don't even get the rods out. I have a sandwich, a cup of soup and drive home. Oh, my word. That's one of the bleakest things I've ever heard. I mean, you all need your own time, but that sounds like he's contemplating just walking into the sea and never coming back rather than fishing. He bought maggots. He took maggots.

He took maggots for a picnic. If you're listeners, what is the kind of most niche hobby that someone has got into just for time on their own? Do write in. Now, Rob, a couple of weeks ago, or maybe it was last week, time flies, doesn't it? I mentioned my inappropriate school play and school play outfits. Oh, was it the Emperor's New Clothes?

The Emperor's New Clothes. Yeah. This has led to a string of emails from people who were involved in school plays containing outfits that now look absolutely... Oh, no. We're not going to expose the ring, are we? No, we're not. No, no.

It was just a different time, Rob. Oh, it's a... No, it's a nativity nonce ring. I can feel it brewing. This will be the first piece of evidence presented. It's just a different time. We've got two people along the same lines. Hi, Rob and Josh.

I've just the kind of story for you after hearing about talking of school plays and questions of costumes. In junior school, my school did the 12 Days of Christmas. My two friends and I were given the roles of three French hens. One would assume the junior school would go with someone dressed as chickens. No, we were can-can

girls. We had the can-can skirts and Eva had garters to wear. What made the whole thing worse was that mid-performance, my garter fell down as I did a can-can kick and it flew off into the crowd. Oh, no! I mean, that is... Insane. That is not acceptable.

Little cherry on top of the story is that my mum was in charge of making all the costumes, so she was to blame for the idea of garters. Oh, yeah. I don't know if that's better or worse let me let them be chickens let me check it's more confusing it's more confusing to have a french woman as a can-can girl just put a beret on a chicken get a chicken just get that's your answer to everything just put a beret on a stripy white and blue shirt beret on a chicken. A stripy white and blue shirt, beret on a chicken, off you go. Unbelievable. Exactly. Were you in school plays when you were a kid? Whenever we did, I was the kid that was like, I got sent out of

an assembly once, singing bad on purpose, and I was trying my best. So I've got nothing. I've not done, the first time I stepped on stage was a comedy gig. I've never done any of those sort of plays. I tell you what though, I have experience with Can Can girls at corporate events i did the air conditioning and refrigeration awards okay yeah loads of geek cool reception yeah it's quite frosty yeah

do you know what that's the lovely kind of humour you expect from a parenting podcast. A bit of back and forth. That's what was missing on the floor a bit. You know it's not great. It's not great stuff, but it has to happen. Do you know what I mean? It's just playing the passes before someone scores a goal. It just wears down the opposition.

Do you know what I mean? Anyway, I was at the awards. Exactly. Those are geezers that install air conditioning units and fridges and stuff. And so it's all a bit male- and and the time before me too and the only women at the event were basically these can-can girls that come out did a dance after the award yeah and obviously everything there's been paid for by sponsors so i was being paid for by the main sponsor and all the food and drink was paid for by you know whatever company it was so obviously those companies had had to sponsor the can can girls but when you're sponsoring something you want to know you've been sponsored so they had stickers with the name of the companies

who have put on their big bloomer knickers so that when they did the bit where they lift the skirt up and shake their bum it had the stickers And basically one girl got there late and then they'd all picked, there was all like, there was like Zanussi and Whirlpool, right? And then, so they all grabbed them and there was one sticker left, right? That no one wanted to have on their bum. Do you know what it was?

What? Smeg. Oh my God, Rob. You can't have smeg on. Oh no. And that girl coming straight, I can't have smeg written on Oh, no. And that girl coming straight, I can't have smeg written on my arse. Oh, my God.

Did she go through with it? Yeah, of course she did. Oh, my word. I know, it was bad. Right, Rob, we've got a question for you. Oh, okay. We've got a question for you. Don't be scared to use a device.

The timeout step can be your ally don't be afraid to say no to your kids no to your kids no to your kids it's okay to apologize as a parent apologize apologize never hit them but don't let them think you won't. You're listening to WWRBD. What would Rob Beckett do? I'm hoping you've got some ideas because I am stumped. Our 15-month-old used to sleep until about 6.30am, which we felt was far too early for us. But over the last few weeks, it's been getting earlier and earlier, settling at around 4.20am.

Jesus, wet. 4 20 a.m jesus wet 4 20 ellis james is doing some um you know child minded get him in we've got to get ellis james on the podcast we did izzy ages ago there's a lot of call for that by the way we'll sort that out that's gonna happen we have a really solid nighttime routine and he's pretty good at going to bed now bedtime routine starts at 7 p.m he's asleep by 7 30 as a rule that is swift yeah last night we tried to change bedtime and kept him up until 9 p.m we were repaid by sleeping and he didn't wake up until 4 45 a.m i'd set the alarm. It doesn't really seem worth losing two hours of the evening, in my opinion.

We will try anything. Thanks, O Wise One, Charlotte Jackson. Well, yeah, this is the thing. That's what we learned because ours get up early. But ours have been starting to get up at about six, half six now. And then we go to bed a bit later. But, yeah, it doesn't work. What I would do is put them to bed even earlier. Try and put them to bed. Because we used to put our kids to. But yeah, it doesn't work. What I would do is put them to bed even earlier. Try and put them to bed.

Because we used to put our kids to bed. Because they used to get up, whatever you did, they'd get up at five, right? So what we did, rather than doing that, we tried putting them to bed until later. And again, all that was, they'd wake up at five, but go into bed at nine the night before and just have even less sleep than being angrier earlier in the morning. So then what we did was started trying to put them to bed an hour earlier and think, if they are still going to get up at five, why not reclaim an extra hour in the evening?

And then just swallow the fact that they're going to get up early. They're going to get up at that time, but at least they'll be happier and have had a full night's sleep. And I think in the summer, it's so bright so early. I know Russell Kane's quite hardcore on blackout curtains, but I do think blackout curtains are quite handy because that's probably what's waking them up. It's not waking them up at 4.20, though, is it?

The summer's a disgrace in this country. Everyone moans about it being gloomy here. It's just like the big light on for the whole three months. It's ridiculous. It's 10 o'clock at night, it's still light, and then you just go and have a shit, put your head down, and it's 4 o'clock in the morning. It's sunny again. Are at night, it's still light. And then you just go and have a shit, put your head down, it's four o'clock in the morning, it's sunny again.

Are you living in Iceland, Rob? I don't know where I'm going. I'm in the Bromley Triangle, where it's just always bright. Do you know what we've found doing? But this is a kind of over two-year-old thing. We get an extra hour by leaving books in her bed because she'll wake up and then she'll look at the books in her bed rather than disturb us. So because it's light, you'll say,

we'll leave these books in when she goes to bed, and then you get the extra hour in the morning before she gets bored of them and needs you. I mean, an hour is strong, 45 minutes. But what's happening with us is the four-year-old, we didn't know this, keeps waking up the two-year-old. So the four-year-old wakes up at six every day, and the four the two-year-old obviously needs more sleep because she's younger and the other night when we were putting the two-year-olds where she went

mummy tell her not to wake me up in the morning was like what and then we went basically it turns out the four-year-old has been going in and as soon as she wakes up wakes up the two-year-old immediately and then makes her come into our room to wake us up oh my god so then we said we said do not wake her up she's younger than you she needs to sleep okay if you do wake up before come to us first don't wake up so we did that the two-year-old slept till 7 30 oh my word so that's what a twist i know so what we do now is when the the foyer wakes up we we she comes to us about 6 30 and we give her an ipad and she watches netflix for an hour and then we get up at 7 30 that's the plan at the moment and i felt really bad about giving her an ipad first thing in the morning but she doesn't have it all day the only time she has it is if we're on holiday

or if they're unwell or it's been you know that kind of thing of like they're on a long drive or whatever the only time they have it is they have it an hour in the morning and then we take it off them so I thought I'd rather give it to them then and we catch up on sleep and then you know having to do it late in the day but um I'll try putting the 80 month old to bed an hour earlier and then just reclaim your evening and then just accept you're getting up early. But four is hard. Four-twenty is.

I mean, it's inhumane, really. It's unacceptable. It's like torture. Sleep deprivation is used as torture. It's like, you know, if you've got a really bad sleeper, it's like that end bit of SAS. You know, when they have to, like, go through that sort of trauma training.

Yeah. It's sort of like screaming, babies crying. They usually use crying babies and waking you up in the midnight as torture. And we all chose for that to happen. What are we doing? We've made our bed on that one, Rob. We all know we've made a mistake, but now we're just having to lean into it and pretend we want to be parents.

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Our kids, we have three daughters, also have fake names. Gregory, Pete, and Barry Salmon. They got more confident with Barry Salmon, didn't they? Started when our oldest was one. She's now almost nine. It's continued right through to our newest

edition, who's just turned ten months, and it's now a rite of passage. So much so so my husband now gives fake names to all of our friends children so i thought people could write in with the fake name that i'll give my daughter and then we could choose the best fake name oh to give my daughter yeah great options i like barry salmon barry seven what about uh mickey the slag yeah not so much he? Yeah, not so much. He's a bit much.

Not so much. Particularly with that can-can outfit I've just bought her. Gary the Blade. Gary the Blade. I'll try a few out and we'll see which sticks. Also as well, it's got to work with Widdicombe. Yes. So do you call them Gavin and Malcolm Beckett?

Not to their face but on forms stuff like that you know where they want the full name yeah for track and trace yeah email stuff you know like when they don't give you a receipt anymore and you have to tell them everything about you in the fucking nike shop oh do you know what happened last night sorry because i just thought about track and trace yeah so i went to the pub for the first time legend yeah and um you have to log in on track and trace totally so i went to the pub for the first time legend yeah and um you have to log in on track and trace totally acceptable yeah there was a bloke at the pub who turned up so i've sat outside the pub like in like the seating on the street that's nominally a

beer garden but it's just some street yeah and a bloke walks past with a snake yeah and then he's people are having their photos taken in the beer garden with the snake in exchange for tagging him in the Instagram. Oh, my God. That's a corona threat. Is that a surface? Snake skin? Where it can be transferred?

I suppose, yeah. I was disinfecting the snake between each person holding it. Where did you go for a pint? Jakarta? What's happening here? Josh, I thought we put it to bed about you not being salty but i've had another email oh no oh no hiya uh hiya i've not seen that for ages hiya um hiya got a quick salty josh willicom story that might be of interest could i just say on

the salty emails i find them absolutely it's like it's thrilling to have them read out because yeah it's both terrifying and like hugely exciting this is what i imagine doing a bungee jump is like well yeah because i'm we've we've put a call out hopefully we'll get some salty ones of me so it's fair but i've my view is right i'm gonna tell you why i weren't salty and that bloke was a prick that's my default strategy on it but you're a bit more forgiving. Well, you know, down on myself. Yeah. I live in the same area of London as Josh and I've seen him in the wilds of Shoreditch

three or four times over the last couple of years. I'm a big fan, but never gone to say hi just because I didn't want to bother him. However, one morning about a year ago, I was on my way to feature in my friend's band's music video as a businessman in smart casual diet. Classic Shoreditch. Classic Shoreditch.

I'll be honest with you. I don't know if Stuart is emailing in. I'm going off you at the moment, which sounds like a terrible morning. So he's off to film a music video with his mate. Anyway, it was early in the morning and was in a hurry, so I decided to stop by the 24-hour bagel place

on Brick Lane for some salt beef as i missed breakfast as i was leaving josh widdicombe with his push chair came rolling in i assume you've got a child in it not just you with your push chair you like to go about no i was just getting a lot of bagels just filling up a push chair of bagels at home i do always see people with an empty push chair and it's normally because they've dropped someone off at school i'd always think do they know there's not a baby in there i well I have to say we're not allowed to leave our pushchair at a nursery. Yeah.

So I have to do the 40-minute walk back from nursery with the pushchair. Amazing. And every time you go across a zebra crossing, you can see people looking at you like, that is some bad parenting going on there. You haven't got your child sitting there. They're still on the swings. Anyway, so you came in

when you pushed it. He looked very tired and to be honest, a little fed up. He looked at me presumably thinking I'd been out all night and was getting something for the way home.

Here we go. In a mildly disgusted manner, I wanted to keep my policy, oh, in a mildly disgusted manner, a bit disgusted with him, you were, Josh. Yeah. I imagine jealousy, if anything.

Why was I in the bagel shop at that time in the morning? I wanted to keep my policy of not making a fuss, especially with his child present and left. However, just before I imagine jealousy, if anything. Why was I in the bagel shop at that time in the morning? I wanted to keep my policy of not making a fuss, especially with his child present and left. However, just before I got outside I said, very casually, see you, Josh. His look of mild disgust went to why I'd built Wilderman as I walked across outside the shop as he was

trying to work out if he'd just pied off someone he knew. I was sorry to wake you, Josh. That is the absolute, the situation I constantly find myself in, which I'm sure you've been in as well, which is that someone says hello to you and you don't know whether you know them or not. Yes.

And it's so awful when you do know them and you haven't acknowledged that you know them. Yeah. So my default is to kind of have to presume that I know everyone that says hello to me, which is wrong. Yeah, but also as well, there is a slight, sometimes I'll get a bit annoyed when they go,

oh yeah, hi, it's so-and-so, and I know something about eight degrees of separation. It's like, mate, I think I met you once at a house party. It'd be weird if I did remember you. You've got some sort of like Rain Man memory of like a bloke I met once at a party. And just because I've got a desperate need for attention, I've flogged myself all over the telly for 10 years.

That's why you remember me. But unless you did a shit on someone's head at that party, I'm not going to remember you. No one is. No one remembers someone they met at a party 10 years ago. You'd also remember the person whose head was shot on as well. They'd be the two people you'd remember, isn't it, from the party.

Well, yeah, exactly. Yeah, obviously the person who needed help cleaning up. But anyway, do you not remember this guy? You're a so you should be in a no i was no no no you could buy bagels so like so i'll always go on we'll have them on christmas morning bagels with uh cream cheese and uh salmon so this was christmas day you was no no no no so i'd go on christmas music video i'd go on christmas eve and then maybe if like it was someone's birthday or maybe if it was like the day before like an like a nice day we want a nice breakfast i'd go and get a load of bagels oh nice yeah yeah good shot so there you

go good shot and if i saw someone who was dressed in a suit so i thought he was a square when i didn't realize he was actually going to film a trendy music video then I do apologise. Yeah really cool. I mean I would argue though if your friend's any good they would have wardrobe at the music video shoot you wouldn't have to wear it and get your own lunch and breakfast. I don't know Castle Spurgeon's on the band I'm sure it was a U2 vid. Yeah Bono's

actually very tight when it comes to music videos. Yeah it was a beautiful day. The one they use for the ITV coverage of the Premier League at the airport. If you look after the pennies, the pounds will look after themselves. He's a very rich man. He doesn't want to pay for people's salt. That used to be Bono's view on the debt

in Africa, but he's changed his view and did a couple of gigs. So people can change. There we go. If you have any salty emails or any inappropriate school plays or any names suggested for my child or any reasons that Rob shouldn't talk about golf. Also as well, I'm driving to Spain

and no one's giving me any help or terrible stories about long journeys in a car on holiday. So please send in your horror stories of driving to Spain because I'm worried. I've got to get a roof box. Also, apparently if you drive to France, you've got to have a roof box. Also, apparently, if you drive to France, you've got to have a breathalyser kit in your own car so you can be tested at any point.

So it's getting quite stressful, but we'll work it out. Send in your tips to Rob for his journey. If you want to get in touch for any reason, this is how. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. Thank you so much for listening. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you, Rob.

Cheers, Josh. It's been fun, hasn't it? Who have we got next week? We're back on Tuesday with Dara O'Briain. Oosie. Wonderful. Joe, bit of banter. Bit of banter.

If you enjoyed that, come back on Tuesday. There'll be more of it. Oh, loads. Loads of banter with If you enjoyed that, come back on Tuesday. There'll be more of it. Oh, loads. Loads of banter with a brilliant.