Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP28: Snail-ma-geddon

Episode Date: July 31, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP28; Snail-ma-geddonMore misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob. Find out more about the great range of school uniform available from F&F at Tesco here: https://bit.ly/BackToSchoolPC Available in selected larger stores. Subject to availability. Excludes Next.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parenting(And the NikNak account is @penrosehouse #niknaksafety)A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit Tresemme.com to learn more. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills...

Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Say Josh Whittaker. Josh Whittaker. And say Rob Beckett.

Rob Beckett. Oh lovely. She sounded surprised by your name as if she'd gone... I get to do that? Oh those two together those two together oh that's a good pair I do find kids

oh am I excited to say my name than yours yours froze them a bit Widukum Beckett Butt and Cur must be

Butt and Cur must be fun for them Butt and Cur when you're a kid Butt and Cur you're the key players when you're a kid Butt and Cur

but Widukum that is from Stuart Sellers oh SS SS yeah from Hamburg

and she is our daughters who are five and this is our youngest Penelope who turns three this week

I love the name Penelope it's a good name, isn't it? I think it's a great name, Penny. I used to play with old Penny as a kid. I think I spoke about this. You what? It was basically Playmobil for girls in the 80s. And I know toys aren't gendered.

No. But they were in the 80s. Really. They're hardcore gendered. But Penny's lovely. Thank you, Penny. Well done. Josh, how have you been?

What's happening in your world? How's your daughter? Well, I can't believe this. She's managed to drop both her naps. So her nap's gone twice a week. Okay. It was every day, wasn't it? Yeah, so we lost five of them a week, I'd say.

Oh. A couple of days a week, she'll be so tired that she'll still relapse. Relapse is a strong word, isn't it? Yeah. Fall off the wagon with a nap. She's been given the all clear from

naps. So she's been given the all clear but she's stopped watching television. Just completely lost interest. Like I know young

people don't watch telly but like she's not. She's on Minecraft. She's not going to think the days of scheduling arey, but like, she's, she's not. Yeah, she's on Minecraft. Yeah, exactly. She's not going to think the days of scheduling are over. Yeah. Like,

she's stopped. So you'll go, do you want to watch the clangers? Yeah. Not a bite. So, so now, the days are just endless.

Because there, there's no moment when she's not doing something. Well, the drop in the nap's good because you can go out for the day. Where before, you don't want to go out for the day because you want to rush back for the nap.

Yeah, exactly. Or the nap finishes and it's too late. So what telly are on offer for her? Anything. You'll just be throwing anything. Do you have apps as well? Or is it just CBeebies or whatever's on Sky? Yeah, well, we've got all the Netflix and stuff.

Yeah. But it's not a taste thing. So she's got all the options. It's not like you've just got one video at the time of the tanker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll literally list everything she's got all the options. It's not like you've just got one video at the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You literally list everything she's ever been into

and then she just won't watch any of them. But then on Saturday, we had a babysitter who stayed over so that we could have a lion after going out. Oh, lovely. And came down and she, Javi, the babysitter, she managed to get.

Javi? I've not picked up much work since Barcelona. She's great though, Javi I've not picked up much work since Barcelona she's great though Javi she just manages to find space and like she's always there she's always open

exactly 100% meal completion right yeah but they were watching A Bug's Life yeah and then

I think it was a bit old for her because she was watching it like it was a bit like a slasher movie. Like she looked scared. And then the moment... Those grasshoppers are scary though.

Yeah. In Bugs Life. Oh my days, they are. But she was watching it. Yeah. Which you take. Even if it's because she can't move because she's petrified.

You take that. Keep her quiet. And then the moment Javi left, she just walked away. So it's like she... I don't know what it is. Oh, right. I don't know what to do

I'm now having the opposite conversations she's so like East London I don't even have a telly actually I just read she's stuck up you know what she is she's that liberal

sitting there ivory tower no TV she doesn't understand the common man what's wrong with her what's wrong with catchphrase

Mr Chip say what you see. Anyway, that's been my week. How's your week? Well. Big news this week. Big news. We put a call out for your help and I want to say thank you.

It's an unprecedented amount of emails. Do you want me to, do you want to hear the advice or do you want to tell us what the situation is? Well, the situation is we were supposed to be driving to Northern Spain on a family holiday this year and we were driving because it would be easier because of COVID, because of no flights, blah, Well, the situation is, we were supposed to be driving to Northern Spain on a family holiday this year, and we were driving because it would be easier

because of COVID, because of no flights, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. However, last week, we decided to cancel the holiday because we was only going to lose like £90 or something in, I think we can even get that back. So we wouldn't have lost any money because the balance was all due.

Luckily, we did cancel it because we had a cold feet about, oh, what if it rises again? Because of the news about Spain. But Spain is now on the quarantine list yeah so yeah we couldn't have gone because i wouldn't have had to work when i got back yeah and also now because i said it on here i could even sneak it back everyone knows i've been i'm asking for advice so i couldn't even wait a minute are you going to northern spain is this your cover story probably because i'm loose swimming he only came back from Spain two days ago 12 more days Beckett

quarantine so we've cancelled it now what are you replacing it with two days camping in Kent oh my god kill me you live in Kent

I know why are you camping that's where you live I think I was so just a worse version of your life yeah but I'm not.

I grew up in a terraced house with four brothers, three bedroom house. Like, I'm used to sleeping near people that stink of shit. I don't want to do it on holiday, right? However, my wife Lou's a bit more middle class. Think it'd be great. All her mates are going. To be fair, though, I'd like to do two days because the kids will love it. Yeah.

They'll absolutely love it. It'll be fun. And then we can just put them into bed and then all the grown-ups can sit around the campfire, get drunk. Yeah. You don't have to worry about babysitters. They're all in one place and you can enjoy it. Yeah. So we've done all that.

But I still think the advice for a long drive will help because now it's on you, Josh, because you're driving for seven hours to Cornwall. Well, that's, because you're driving for seven hours to Cornwall. Well, that's... Do you know what? In the last 48 hours I've ever read these emails, that's become more and more pencilled. Well, then we've got a situation where I've actually toyed with this,

as I said to Rose, because it's a long drive. If we do it, why don't you and my daughter get the train and then I'll pick you up from the station because she'll have a much better time

so you she could get the train say to Devon I can't work out who's got the better deal I think it might be you it might be but Rose can't drive

so my hands are tied yeah so where will you drop them at like you'll drop them at like the main Waterloo yeah

Paddington I wouldn't be able to do that bit either because I'd need to go ahead because it takes so much longer to drive you know so Rosie or daughter are going to have to get from East London to Paddington

which is a I'd say an arsehole of a journey no no no they can get they can get a black cab okay so yeah

so they're going to get a black cab probably half an hour 40 minutes yes yeah yeah so they're already doing quite a lot of driving it's a lot of fun in a black cab in probably half an hour, 40 minutes? Yes, yeah, yeah. So they're already doing quite a lot of driving. It's a lot of fun in a black cab for a small child. Yeah, as long as they're not paying. And I say that if my dad is a black cab driver.

Even a two-year-old's watching that money go, that is fast. Get a cab, it's men's, I mean, I'm not. Anyway, so they're going to go to Paddington in a cab. Then what's the train journey to Cornwall? Well, I'd meet them in Devon. Oh, because you're going to stay to Paddington in a cab then what's the train journey to Cornwall well I'd meet them in Devon because we go oh because you're going to

stay with family yeah yeah so that's about three four hours no it's only two hours and a half two and a half hours do you know what

I think that's a good idea and the drive is four hours but it's expensive though because you're having to pay for petrol and for train tickets yeah but I'm willing to do that

you're willing to do that for the good of the holiday sometimes you've got to spend a bit exactly and if I have to sit in silence listening to music and podcasts on my own for four hours

so be it can I come with you we can record fun no because I want to sit in silence and I'll just train back okay so that's your because that's a

how far is it I would say to say that's the plan would imply that I've managed to push that through okay so far is it I would say to say that's the plan would imply that I've managed to push that through okay so Rose is still showing

she's certainly not said no out of hand could you dangle the car out of a trip to the knick knack shop so you can buy six dangerous knick knacks just think

not only have you got boot space for knick knacks you've got four seats exactly to place the knick knacks because you will be on the train so

here's some news from people who've made these journeys and how bad it is yeah this is from Stephanie Lyons I have no advice but have a cautionary tale

my parents stay in the south of France for several weeks every summer and one year my husband and I decided it'd be a good idea to drive there

with my five year old son and four year old daughter the plan was we'd make the journey part of the holiday with a couple of overnight stops and a ferry journey from dover to calais that's that was my vibe yeah we're on the same track here the old split it up they'll split it up they'll love the ferry yeah exactly yeah they'll sleep wow wow about an hour into the

journey it became clear that our son was car sick he'd never shown signs before so we hoped this was just a bit of over-excitement. So we stopped at the services for a lengthy break, lots of fresh air, got on the road again. I've got to say, are they in France yet? No, we live in the north of England. The north of England! And they were going to Port from Portsmouth. Oh, that's a dog of a journey. That is, like, news report worthy of, like, Newcastle fans travel to Portsmouth today

for the big game. That's adults on their own. If they lost, it'd be one of those ones where the manager said that they were actually going to pay for the fans. Yeah, because it's

such an awful journey. So an hour in, car sick, yeah? Yeah. Unfortunately, the car sickness was here to stay. Our 300 mile car journey

in England was punctuated by visiting most services en route for cleaning and changing my son. Well, right. So several hours later, we arrived at the docks. Happy to finally have a bit of respite from the car.

However, it transpired the travel sickness was not just limited to the car. I've been on lots of ferry journeys in my life, but few as rough as this one. More of the same, four hours into the ferry journey as I cradled... Where the train are they going? Fucking a lap of the UK first? Four hours? I cradled my limp son in my lap as I watched my daughter, soon to have enough energy for both of them,

ram around all the seasick passengers like a whirling dervish. As she ran towards me at full speed, the ferry tilted against the crashing waves. She fell face first onto the arm of my chair. She burst her lip. I'm not exaggerating. There was blood everywhere.

Oh, God. Not wanting to miss out on all the attention her brother was getting, she insisted on sitting on my knee, breathing profusely while screaming at full volume.

My husband was nowhere to be seen. After another couple of... He jumped in the sea, I reckon. Oh, sorry. I'll drive. You get the of... He jumped in the sea, I reckon. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'll drive. You get the ferry.

I'll drive the rest of France. I'll swim it. Yeah. After another couple of horrendous hours riding the high seas, we disembarked to Calais covered in crusty

vomit and blood. My son, Green, and my daughter with lips the size to give the Kardashians a run for their money. Lovely turn of phrase. Even at a time of terror

that she's retelling, she can bang out a good Kardashian. That is, you know, that is top level writing. Look at you, I'm getting an absolute stiff neck boner

on that writing. Oh, we'll put it in. We'll put it in. The nightmare continued in the same vein. It's not just my neck that's stiff. As we journeyed through

northern France, it became clear we'd not reached the hotel we booked in advance, so we decided to stop at the next hotel we came across. To use the term loosely, it was more like the motel than Norman Bates would preside over, and our room was four beds stacked in a row. No room to move around. Like a basketball player's bed.

This is a strange turn of events. As I lay in bed, unable to sleep due to some strange animal sounds i began to worry about the next day it was my son's sixth birthday i couldn't let him wake up in this hellhole on his birthday so as everyone woke up my husband began to sing happy birthday i said silly daddy's got the wrong date it's your birthday tomorrow. This is a huge error. So you can't just invent birthdays. I think that's a decision born out of your head being all over the shop.

Yeah. Because you would never make that normally, right? No, but... So were they delayed? My husband looked at me like I'd lost the plot. As he can be vague over dates,

he stopped singing. My son looked in complete confusion and said, I'm sure it's my birthday. Even my daughter looked at me suspiciously but i started now so i couldn't back down so he sort of again with my husband hissing you sure it's not his birthday me trying to explain the situation i had to phone my mum en route to explain that though she'd baked a birthday cake and decorated she would need to take them all down and tidy them away and not make reference to the fact it was her grandson's birthday until the day after.

We arrived at 7pm exhausted, close to tears. The next day we sang Happy Birthday My Son gave him his presents. He waited patiently till the song had finished before announcing

that it was his birthday yesterday but he thanked us anyway. So he's gone along with it. But he knows I do think sometimes your kids can see if you're losing the plot and even at young age,

they're like, I swear I've seen the four-year-old say to the two-year-old, just like, just leave him. Give him five. You know, like Lineker and Gascoigne.

Have a word. Have a word. I'll have a word with him. Mum, have a word with him. We'll stay out of your way. So, that could have been you.

That's, oh God, that sounds horrific. And she says the way home was the exact same. Can you imagine the joy though of just getting there and just giving your kids to the grandparents? Oh, at least the grandparents are there. If that was me and I'd give the kids to my parents

and go to the fridge and down three bottles of beer. Just to start. And then drink mine. Well, I think, imagine if you got there because were you getting there and then it was just going to be you four anyway yeah

so you wouldn't have even had the respite when you got there do you know what it was like such a relief but we were getting quite anxious about it

a bit stressed and a bit short of each other me and Lou and then we were like do you think we should go like that

and then when we decided not to we sort of you know drew a line under it we were so happy we were like oh my god

and sometimes we're a little bit too hard on ourselves we're all like no we've said we're gonna do it so we're gonna do it we'll get through it we find that we're so positive which is good sometimes but you don't need to put yourself through unnecessary stress you shouldn't be for a holiday approaching a holiday like you're approaching a lockdown yeah you're not like we've got to get through this it's a holiday we've got about exactly the kids don't care either so i'm not doing now. We're going for two nights camping. And then my mum and dad live down in Margate, but it's like a two bedroom house. It's quite small. So we've rented, my friend's got like a house in Margate

that we've rented that was on Airbnb. We've rented this like a three bedroom, like right on the beach so that we can see the grandparents, go out for dinner and do that. And it was like, that's such a nice way, and also I said, I said, Blue, why don't, I've got that booked off work anyway, you go away with your mates for two nights, somewhere,

go to a spa, and I'll go golf with the boys, and then my golf plan is coming into its own. We've got a, and we've got someone who's also called your turncoat, for your golfer. Really, I can't believe,

I feel like I'm uncovering a huge conspiracy theory I'm gonna have to start that hiding in the Ecuadorian embassy people are gonna be complaining about you're gonna get

thrown off Twitter I'll get kicked out of clubs thrown off the course scum scum scum you know like the miners strike

you're gonna find like a golfer a driver head in your bed as a threat yeah just a T had in your bed as a frat. Yeah, just a tea. Just a tea and your door's down. Hello, darlings.

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Conditions apply. Do you want to hear some more nightmare journeys? Oh, yes, please. I think that makes me feel better about not going. But also, I do apologise in advance to anyone that is actually currently en route on one of these journeys. Imagine hearing that story. Imagine going, do you know what? Well, you have that parenting podcast, don't you?

Rob's going for a trip to Spain. They're talking about this thing. Hit your estate. Let's bang it on. First mile. Right. When I was eight, my family and I went on a road trip to the south of France. All four kids, our live-in nanny, my mum mum and dad crammed into a Volvo estate like sardines.

Trailer full to the brim with camping gear attached to the back. He takes a live-in nanny camping. You gotta look after your kids at some point. Jesus Christ.

Imagine being a live-in nanny. We're going on holiday. Oh, thank God for that. Do you want to come? No. No, he didn't say on my contrary that I was going to live in a fucking tent. Anyway. We're going on holiday. Oh, thank God for that. Do you want to come? No. No. It didn't sound my contrary. I was going to live in a fucking tent. They're in the estate.

I think it's illegal. The estate, that's too many people. Well, wait till you think that's illegal. I used to go on holidays where my dad would build seats out of suitcases in the boot. Yeah, well, wait till you hear this. This is why I'm reading this out. My memory of journey was being covered in my own yellow sick

and the return journey was much worse. Driving back, my brother and I in the back seats that faced out of the rear window. You know those? Yeah. I have a distinct memory of the trailer tilting on its side as it lost a wheel. Oh, no.

The rear right wheel bounced away along the motorway behind us. As the trailer started to tilt, my brother and I were delighted by the five-foot high bright orange firework-like sparks that lit up the rear window, whilst my petrified mother and father screamed. No mention of the live-in nanny's reaction.

No, don't shoot, dude. She hit the trailer, probably. Poor thing. After the incident, so in an attempt to take the stuff that was in the trailer that had been written off, the seats were to lay flat for the entire contents of the trailer was put in the back that had been written off. Yeah. The seats were to lay flat for the entire contents of the trailer

was put in the back of the car whilst me, my two brothers, my sister and the nanny all had to lie flat on the contents of the trailer

for the rest of the journey home. Imagine that nanny going, it fills a HR department now. Oh dear, there we go. That's amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing. Dear Josh

and filthy grass. Golf grass. Yeah. Filthy grass is the reason not to use the pitch. Love the podcast guys.

I can honestly say it's genuinely helped me get through lockdown with a child providing me with laughs etc etc. Thank you very much. On last week's podcast,

I was talking about golf being the perfect excuse for some time away for the kids. Josh asked, what's the strangest hobby that someone's taken up to get time on their own?

My hobby may be the answer. Given that my hobbies before having a child were rugby league, boxing, MMA, and weightlifting straight bodybuilding, he sounds absolutely terrified.

He's an absolute beast, this geezer. So, here's MMA and weightlifting straight bodybuilding. All at once. Absolutely terrifying. He's an absolute beast, this geezer. So, what I've started doing is jigsaws. Ah, okay. My latest jigsaw seems quite a jump from the high octane aggression. But it's difficult to get someone to say, why don't you do some of your rugby league? But listen to this.

He's given a three-point reason why jigsaws are his best hobby. My latest jigsaw is a 2,000-piece jigsaw, basically sunset, meaning approximately 1,200 pieces are green, 400 blue, and the other 400 yellowy-orange. This is by no means a quick-cut puzzle to complete. What I do is I start the jigsaw on the breakfast bar in the kitchen. Meaning as soon as I've started, my partner actually wants me to finish it so we can back it away.

So, she never wants disputes when I suggest I do a bit of the jigsaw. This bloke's a genius. In some instances, she actually promised me to do some more to get it finished. I'll wipe their bums. You do your jigsaw.

You get on with that bloody jigsaw. Anything that can help. Because the jigsaw looks like it would take a long time to complete, I don't have to rush it. On some occasions, I can get up to two and a half hours to myself before the other half asks me to go back to being a father. Not only this, but I found I can actually spend around 10 to 15 minutes finding a few pieces to add to the jigsaw.

Then have 15 to 20 minutes of quiet time Staring blankly at the box of pieces like a zoned out gonk before it arouses suspicion It genuinely is quite therapeutic and for a short while I forget that I'm surviving on roughly three to five hours of broken sleep per night at the minute Also, they're practically an infinite amount of different jigsaws So this can never run out. I'm on my third of the 15 that I brought when I took up puzzling. You brought 15 jigsaws?

God, that's like when Abraham Hitch took over Chelsea. He bought every other 15 jigsaws. That's mad. To be fair, I do that with Lego sometimes. If I start a big Lego thing, and I'm like, I'll do Lego with the girls. And then I basically give them the little minifigures to build, and I'm like I'll do Lego with the girls and then I basically give them the little mini figures to build

as I'm building the main bit of it and then I move it from the table to like the kitchen side and then again I'm like oh let me just crack on

with it so it gets done so that is a great perfect it's perfect he's really nailed it he obviously he sounds like quite an obsessive man

yeah he does he's a busy guy he's a triathlete is it Gordon Ramsay it's a man called who calls himself luke the puzzle master smith so even even this is like it's like he's managed to make puzzles alpha yeah he's mastered them i'm the man i'm your you little jigsaw you're my bitch i'm the master get on that kitchen side and get dealt with by me yeah even that's a bit of great i like it

i like his vibe I like his vibe. I like his vibe. Call me a grass. He's absolutely coming for you. But yeah, he's really had to go full alpha to tell Parenting Podcast about his puzzle obsession. He's genuinely worried.

Because on paper, that's not a cool thing to have done. I think it's cool. But down the rugby club, he's not writing an anecdote. No. And he's doing it on the Parenting Podcast

because he's confident none of his mates listen to this. Oh, yeah. We don't get a lot of bodybuilders listening to this, do we? No. And he's doing it on the parenting podcast because he's confident none of his mates listen to this. Oh, yeah, yeah. We don't get a lot of bodybuilders listening to this, do we? No, no. So if you've got any better ways than jigsaws, I might do another jigsaw. I did do a jigsaw at the start of lockdown.

Yeah, yeah. And it was on the kitchen table. It was that kind of situation. But I wasn't consciously doing a Luke Puzzle Master Smith. No. I did it because I actually find it quite therapeutic. But it's get you out of parenting a little bit and also you're so ingrained in the puzzle if the kids are screaming you don't really hear what the other thing is you can kind of occasionally get your daughter involved did you do this yeah get her to put a bit in but

yeah so at first I was like no this is annoying because they keep ruining it and the delay in progress but actually in a way that's increasing progress it's exactly because it's longer I've got take her a minute let me just sort out the bit she ruined when I played with her

and we had that interaction why don't you two go off and do something together because we've been doing something together I need to sort it out now or this will never get finished and we've got people

coming over I do that with the gardening I do that so when I do while I was potting out some plants oh yeah and then you do an hour's gardening which do that so then I do while I was potting out some plants oh yeah and then you do an hour's

gardening which needs doing anyway could I tell you mine I mean I'm going to get more turncoat snitch stuff oh yeah sorting out the carriage or the shed

well I know we've had yeah you've had previous in this but normally if I'm saying sorting that out the best one

the recycling do you change do you sort your recycling into different bits? Yeah. No one's even needed to do that since the mid-90s. Breaking down the cardboard. Oh, breaking down the cardboard.

It's an absolute classic, mate. Breaking down the cardboard. I walk sometimes, if I'm walking back from the shops and I see some unbroken down cardboard that I know they're not going to take away, I take it into my garden to break it down. That's where I'm at with recycling. Also, your garden,

what's the snail situation in your garden? Well, the snail situation is absolutely perilous. So I had the garden around today just to do a kind of post-lockdown kind of tidy up. Yeah. I didn't know this could be a thing. So they said that,

so I was like, there's a lot of snails. And then I heard him on the phone to his kind of boss. And he's like, there's more snails, there's most sna of snails and then i heard him on the on the phone to his kind of boss and he's like there's more snails most snails i've ever seen and so we have like lit like it's the most you've ever seen i reckon that's three no not now mate so on friday night we were in the garden like having a glass of wine it was dark so we had the like we've got the lights and then you have a few we've got a few in the flower beds. Yeah. So it lit up the bush and you could see, like,

20 snails in the shower. I projected like Batman. Maybe you put out the call. Yeah, snail man's it. You put out in a boat and they just all descended to you. So now I'm going to have to, it's a difficult one.

So someone's like, you could just get all the snails and put them in the bucket and take them to the park. But no no i don't mean for a day trip snail bucket man i saw that josh willikens bit salty actually i said what you doing there mate and he had a bucket full of snow and you were just farming a bush if i got like hit by a car on the way there or something and i was actually taken to hospital with a bag of snails that would be so funny

what a headline that would be hit at a snail's pace I don't think I don't know it would do it would do what would be

if you got hit by a car not maybe not without snails fatally if you weren't fated because it was fatally injured

I think they'd just go factual wouldn't they if you just just got knocked and you were fine, but it's a story because you're on the telly. You were carrying a bucket of snails.

There's too many elements for a headline. Did he go kick that one? Didn't kick the bucket? Or we could go down the snail route, the shell. Shellfish driver leaves poor TV host kicking the bucket.

It's too much. It's hard to do. I think if I saw that headline, shellfish driver leaves poor TV host kicking the bucket it's too much it's hard to do I think if I saw that headline shellfish driver leaves poor TV host kicking the bucket I would go I don't know all that

I don't think that communicates the story it doesn't does it so so I can't take them to the park yeah obviously you can't take a bucket

of snails to the park also it's ages you're busy man you ain't got time to collect snails imagine also that when you get to the park you've got to also it's like ages you're a busy man you ain't got time to collect snails imagine also that when you get to the park

you've got to find a kind of secluded bit to tip out the snails you look like you're doing something really dodgy yeah anyway

he said there's too many snails to deal with them that's his job no no no he's not like that's what you want no no no

he's got too much grass to cut in it'll take you hours he didn't so he said we're going to have to write off the garden and start again he said there's too many snails to collect them up to cut it. It'll take you hours. He didn't say we're going to have to write off the garden

and start again. He said there's too many snails to collect them up. It's just impossible. How many are down there? There's about 20 on a bush.

Can you do a video just to sweep? It needs to next time it rains because when it rains they all come out. Alright, okay.

You do a quick sweep and I want to see it. We're going to put it on the Instagram. Yeah, we'll put it on the instagram so we've got all these snails yeah um they're eating the plants we bought all these plants in the garden center that are being eaten he was like you can get need to get some like snail snug pellets slug pellet not snug yes and um so obviously like oh god do i want to um kill them all and then also

there'll be loads of dead snails everywhere yeah and you don't also you don't want your daughter picking up slug pellets no and playing them and eating them or whatever so i've googled ethical ethical slug oh you're so east london so east london right so i've got i found these ones on amazon and they've got a 4.7 rating out of five but they say when the they say they what's salt got what 4.7 rating out of 5. But they say... What's salt got? What's salt's rating? It's got to be 5 across the board, isn't it? Yeah.

It's called organic slug and snail control. Yeah. When they eat it, it says they don't die. They just like... That is a... They just go underground. Control is a PR word for genocide. Isn't it?

Yeah, well, to be honest, I don't know what my other options are. So what, it kills them? No, they just... This is the weirdest thing. So what does it do to them? In the Amazon-based Q&A about the snail and snake... What a world.

What a world. What kind of... How many reviews? Including, is it dog-friendly? Yes. Is it okay around birds and wildlife? Yes. So all good.

And then it's like, what colour are the pellets? Light blue. And then, does it kill the snails? No, they just eat it and then they burrow underground. What is that? How does it do that? It just... Is it like the Matrix pill?

Players who get blue and red ones. Snail is the perception of the world. Is it like the Matrix pill? Those that get blue and red ones. Snail is the perception of the world. Is it so disgusting? But then if they eat a bit, they'll just eat the plants instead. They eat the pellet and then they're like, I'm just going to go underground now, but I'm going to stay alive.

Or maybe, is it like ketamine and they're not hungry because they're like, so off the red. I don't want a load of monged out snails in my garden. Just gurning with their mouth to the bottom of the... Through the soil. So I don't know what to do. If anyone's... And by the way,

the idea of like put some silver foil around the plants, that doesn't work. That's one of the ideas suggested. That's insane. There's too many snails for a bit of silver foil. There's too many plants as well. Yeah, exactly. I'll put tinfoil.

So the game's over for that. You're like Paul Nicholas in these tenders. Such an old reference. A really old reference. But the kind of reference I get on board with. You're playing to the right market there, mate. Well, I'm in your office. It feels like 1997.

So let's be clear. When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay, but what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx. Impressive.

Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh, but let's say that... FedEx. What? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping.

FedEx, where now meets next. Hear that? That's the sound of waves crashing on a beach. And that? That's the sound of ice clinking in your favorite drink. The secret to making your retirement dreams come true is simple. Lower your investment fees. If your retirement savings are in high fee mutual funds, you could be losing a lot of your money to those fees. With Quest Wealth Portfolios,

your investments are managed for you at a fraction of the cost. So you can earn more and make your retirement dreams come true. Get started today at questrade.com. Talking of snail control and the ethical to salt based conundrum you've got Josh

I've had a few more salty non-salty Josh do you think I should just go out to my garden and be salty in that word yeah just go out

there and just sort of sneer or just don't respond this one I thought we'd seen the back of salty non-salty

I'll put a shout out for me being salty or non-salty but we've had nothing absolutely pure you know maybe I'm just such a great guy for me being salty or non-salty but we've had nothing absolutely pure you know maybe I'm just such a great guy

you don't even notice how I'm being but this is non-salty Josh hi guys great podcast I met Josh at the wrap party

for season 2 of his sitcom Josh I was working the bar that night and we had no idea it was a wrap party just that a large

booking was coming in so we weren't quite prepared for how much they all drank this would have been in your heyday at booze you was a bit of a boy.

I was a big boy. An unlikely boy for a drinkie. You would have peaked that on paper, but you could drink a lot. I could put it away. Put it away, loved it. And then would be sick and carry on. That's what I've always liked about you.

Yeah. You don't take a defeat. I don't take defeat. Anyway, my main memory was Ellis James, which we've got to get Ellis James in the podcast. Yeah, that's... Never has a man been spoken of so much. I know.

And he literally, he's one of your best mates who worked with him for years. I know, but we are going to do it. It's mad because, I'm not going to lie, this must be the most in demand Ellis has ever been to be on anything.

My main memory was that Ellis James was trying to convince everyone, including me, that tequila and lemonade is a good idea. Oh. I mean, I'm not that against it lemonade will soften it yeah but um anyway tequila is a great drink only good stuff but crap stuff is yeah but it's it makes you happy as opposed to other alcohol like it's it's an upper rather than a downer whiskey makes me like that but then I go loopy oh yeah It's too much. Yeah.

But I know what you mean, it does lift you, it makes you warm and fuzzy. But then it can't be my drink. We could, like, go for a pint, and I'll be like, I'll just have a tequila, please.

But that's something that Luke Puzzlemaster Smith would do. I told you, have I told you the NCT story? Where we went to the pub of NCT,

like all the dads and we didn't know which one the kids were like three months old so we were just like dragging ourselves to this pub

to be polite and the wives and girlfriends were like oh yeah go out it'll be nice to see everyone and like anyway so we went out it was literally like

from 8 till 9.30 everyone had to get back to like night feed so we all had like two pints and then we sort of at the end of our second we were all chatting it was quite nice and all

and one of them was like who wants whiskey and I was like no I it was quite nice enough and then one of them was like who wants a whisky and I was like no I don't no one wants whisky mate we've got a star pool night I've got a star pool night I've got a three month

I don't want a whisky I don't want a whisky and then he's like let's all get a whisky let's get a whisky he's been a bit sort of after us I was like alright

okay we'll get a whisky was it Luke Puzzlemaster Smith it may be I don't know he turned up in rugby league gear but yeah so it was then like that

and then everyone else was like alright okay we'll have one if you want to have one and then he was like who wants one like alright okay we'll have one if you want to have one and then he was like who wants it who wants it we'll have one

and then he pointed to me like he asked me first how many ice cubes do you want I was like I don't know three he went three

bloody hell we want any whiskey with your ice cubes and I was like I don't even want a whiskey and everyone has ice cubes with it and he kept going three

and then like trying to make it a big whiskey I don't want ice cubes with it and he kept going three and then like trying to make it a big thing like three he wants three cubes oh three cubes just that could be three cubes

and then on the group still occasionally says how is it going three cubes like this one comment that's now five years ago oh fucking

here we go so how many cubes have you run about that's what I said alright sorry I didn't know oh three cubes oh anyone cubes

we've got three cubes well how many should you have he's like one or two. Oh, we're not far off. I've not had nine cubes of ice. Oh, dear. But anyway, so this is Ellis James' tequila lemonade PR man. But Josh is very lovely to all of us that night,

and I even managed to grab a selfie with him at the end. In case he remembers, I was a stupidly tall barman. I was quite ill. I don't remember it it was like like the day two days before christmas it was one of those ones where you know when you're ill but there's a big night yeah and you can't miss it you're like i've just got to push myself through and actually having this alcohol will really help me well stupidly tall i mean what's stupid i think stupidly tall is beyond seven foot i doubt he is is. I'd say 6'4". He loves it.

Yeah. He absolutely buzzes off being 6'4". I don't want to cast aspersions, but I feel like that's your main thing. I think that would be first on anything you put down on a dating bio. 6'4". And a bomb. Stupidly tall. It's a bloody tall.

It's a reference point in an email. I'm so bloody tall. What's he called? Alex Sharp. I don't remember stupidly tall man that night. No. And he says, in case he remembers I was stupidly tall, although I doubt what's he called? Alex Sharp. I don't remember Stupidly Tall Man that night. No, no. And he says, in case he remembers

I was stupidly tall, although I doubt he will as the bar tab was so massive, stupidly massive, or massive, it's up to you Alex, you're in charge of the stupids, was so massive

the BBC took two weeks to pay it. Whoa! Like, first and foremost, I pay my licence fee. That is... I don't want to be paying for these media elites

to understand. That is terrible, isn't it? I would argue though, it would be the production company not the... It would be though it wouldn't it would be the production company not it would not be it would be the production company and it would not come out of bbc budgets that we pay for as a license it's very unlikely that went up to the director general to sign off exactly i would say i want to know alex sharp if you're listening how tall are you and if you are over six seven i apologize yeah if you're under i think six foot i'd say six six and above is stupidly tall six five is just a really tall man okay well is 6'7", I apologise. If you're under, I think 6'6",

6'6", and above is stupidly tall. 6'5", is just a really tall man. Is that fair? I think that's acceptable, yeah. Because I think some people are 6'4", you don't even realise they're tall. If they're well built enough. You're just a tall guy.

Yeah, you're just a tall guy. So like, also like, I'm 5'8", you're 5'7"? Yeah. I wouldn't say wish. I wouldn't say even 5'6 is stupidly short. 5'4 in a man.

Yes, that's when it's not a problem. No, it's never a problem. A new challenge. Exactly. For said man. You know, I'm speaking as a man. You don't have to pay VAT on your shoes. It's a little bonus in that sense.

They do get bonuses. My mate, he's about my eye, but he's a size 5 shoe. But it's a little bonus in that sense they do get bonuses my mate he's about my eye but he's size 5 shoe but it's kids shoes absolutely it's the same shoe same level also you can have

a picture of Snoopy on his shoes and it's easy for him to find Velcro well I've got a salty one as well Josh sorry to bring

the vibe down my salty Josh experience took place at Glastonbury in 2015 oh wow you shouldn't be coming up to me at Glastonbury in 2015. Oh, well, you shouldn't be coming up to me at Glastonbury. You would be absolutely flying.

I would have been having a great time. Time of your life. Yeah. Especially now that was a couple of years before the baby. Your peak. I'm trying to remember what year Glastonbury 15 was at. You're bowling around. Kanye West.

I can't remember who was on that year. You're three years into hosting Last Egg. Co-hosting yeah you've earned a bit of money I'd have been doing alright you've been alright for yourself do you know what I'd have been at the point

where I wasn't worrying that it would dry up like I am now exactly you're sort of like if it does end tomorrow I've had a good go at it that's your vibe

you're in Glasgow no kids you're at the peak of your boozing you're having a great time and I think this woman who's soon to be in her late 20s in the year 2020 I can be salty to her she's mid 2020s she's mid-20s right so she comes up to you right anyway she realized that wearing dungarees i mean she could fit a whole bag of wine inside

them making it easier to dispense rather than put it in a backpack yeah so in the sort of like a kangaroo pouch yeah yeah um anyway it was so she's already kind of dealt with pregnancy in that sense well this is what you're saying it also added an added bonus of making me look eight months pregnant

so I could get space yeah people could also probably who's thinking there's an eight month pregnant person

by the pyramid stage at Glastonbury I wouldn't think that through I'd think you shouldn't be fucking here mate what are you doing

get home you lunatic anyway as the wine bag diminished I got more wobbly so god knows what the other festivals going thought of this now approximately four months pregnant she was getting less she's like the benjamin button pregnancy right anyway um so she cut she went down to four months pregnant as a bag got drunk we were next to one of the stage to watch bell and sebastian or maybe jungle yeah sunday night i remember that which who was it it was they were

uh is it bell and sebastian was it it was they were is it Bell and Sebastian was about it was about 7pm on the Sunday night because I remember I think it was when LCD sound system

were playing later that night well Sunday night at Glastonbury everyone's in a bit I think everyone needs to be taken excuse the pun

the pinch of salt or a pinch of Richard James's ethical snail control anyway so Sunday night you stood next to each other

who did we bump into but Mr. Widdicombe himself my mate said hey Josh implies we have known each other previously

yeah you've got no idea you don't know you haven't bumped into you've seen from afar yeah I didn't go oh yeah

oh good to see you again how's the baby anyway hey Josh Widdicombe would you like some of our wobbly bag okay so I'm going to defend you again how's the baby anyway hey Josh Whittacombe would you like some of our wobbly bag okay so I'm going to defend you

I don't like this initial contact because they've put you on the spot and they're not going to drink wine from her

stomach I don't know it's day three of the festival you probably did worse on the Saturday night and yeah also as well

they've started they've initiated the conversation with an in joke which always put a comic on their back foot because they're like right you're trying to do a joke

but I don't understand am I being pranked here are you pranking me with a wobbly belly wine bag yeah exactly and anyway and they whipped out what was left of the bag

Josh frowned and said no he wouldn't and even though he tried to insist he refused to join us for a drink of tepid saint richardinay in hindsight

he would have been mad to do it but we can only dream I defend you here Josh I think sometimes a salty response is warranted and necessary and I would have been

the same there as well I think also there's something about someone offering you a half empty bag of wine that you think you're going to have it's going to be piss

or get pissed or have some sort of drug have it's going to be piss or get pissed or have some sort of drug in it or like most likely piss with drug in it and also you're trying to watch

Bell and Sebastian you don't need no offence Ellie he's there for Bell and Sebastian not to meet new people exactly yeah

exactly well anyway so I don't think it was that salty you just didn't want to drink from her bag another week and I've got away with it

I think it's not salty to refuse a drink no I get this a lot though in bars because people go, if they're a bar owner they go,

oh Rob, you alright? Have a shot. And I'm too polite to say no to a shot. Do you then say just one or two ice cubes though? Just to be very clear. Five cubes in the shot please.

Daddy's hot. I once, this is, three cubes. A guy bought me a drink in a pub. Yeah. And then he was just talking to me and talking to me.

Yeah. And I was like, I'm going to go and sit with my friends. And he was like, but I've just bought you a drink. And I was like, yeah, but I... And in the end, I had to pay him off. I was like, I'll pay you back for the drink if I can live. I'm so upset. Okay, well, he's £5.50.

Can you stop talking to me? Sorry, mate, but I'm... I'm so upset in front of you okay well it's £5.50 can you stop talking to me sorry mate but I'm I'm going to buy out you've got to be in a company I'm buying out I'm buying out

of this okay you go off on this venture but I'm buying out of this round buying out of a round so that's the email I want to get

salty Josh Josh bought me out of a round because he didn't want to talk to me if you're there please do email in. If you want to get in touch, this is how.

Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. Oh, I think the penny's out. Oh, what? Breaking news. Hang on, let me just ring Lou. Hello? Hello, Lou.

You all right? The penny is out? Right. You're on loudspeaker for the podcast. Hello. Oh, right. Josh is here. Hello.

Hi, Josh. How are you? Oh, I'm good, thank you. I hope I don't have to search for any more human faeces. So, Lou, please can you deliver the breaking news to the listeners? The coin has left the building wow literally

as I was I spent 20 minutes on hold to the receptionist at the doctor's I had to explain to her what had happened that I wasn't

supervising my child and I let her eat money and then because it's been six days I'm concerned as I'm on the phone to the receptionist the youngest one is pooing it out was it you just wanted me to explain it to one

more set of strangers was it was it a difficult release did she seem under duress or did she just squeeze it out not at all quite happy did it dig herself it ding? It's a penny. Did it ding? It didn't ding. Oh, I think we should keep it. Because it was quite firmly encased in shit. Did you, um, did you, have you met or did... Oh, there's someone at the door.

Probably a tax man wanting to ask. Can I ask what you're going to do with it? I've got it in a little pot for you, Rob, to look at when you get home. Yeah, lovely. And she's all right, though. Have you metal detected her, just to see if there's not any more up there?

I haven't metal detected her yet because I don't know how to work the machine. Oh, OK. I'll do it when I get home. I was surprised if she ate more than one penny. Yeah, she can't. And then I was surprised if she ate one penny, to be honest. We'll have to put her down at Margate Front in a 2P machine amusement.

Well, thanks for the update, Lou, and I'm happy that my child no longer has a penny. So thank you, Lou, for doing most of the poo squishing over the past six days, I think. Let's not bring this up because I did introduce the idea of scanning her before you dived into a big pile of shit again. Oh, that's not always possible, is it? When there's a potty full of poop that you're desperate to throw away. Lou, would you like to discuss how we divvy up the weekly food shop? No, I would not because I quite like our marriage.

Right, thanks for letting us know, Lou. I'm really in the mood for end again yeah fair enough alright speak to you later alright talk to you later love you bye bye bye do you know what

a positive there is she quite likes your marriage she quite likes it she quite likes it you can't be pleased with that she quite likes it oh I don't think

we've got time maybe I can tell you it next week but my day of being an absolute dad legend I absolutely you know some days are just like because I think it's only fair in this maybe I can tell you next week but my day of being an absolute dad legend I absolutely you know some days are just like

because I think it's only a family podcast I talk about how it goes wrong but I had a day I had the kids on my own and I absolutely destroyed it and I'll talk you through it next time

well let's trail that that's something to look forward to next Monday it was outrageous I was like a man on a mission though just like what more can I do wow

it's like when Liverpool won the league and I was like what the records how many goals do I need? How many points? 100 points? Can we do 100 points?

But yeah I'll let you know about it on Tuesday. And on Tuesday we'll also be joined by the amazing Romesh Ranganathan. Oh yeah great episode that one.

Anyone you want us to interview let us know. Let us know. And if you've got an interview if you've got contact details for them. Yeah because obviously

we've got a fair reach but if there's anyone you've got a link in and you could get us let us know let us know and if you've got an interview if you've got contact details for them yeah because obviously we've got a fair reach but if there's anyone you've got a link in and you could get us let us know Boris either of the Obamas either of the Obamas

well yeah let us know who you want us to interview and follow us on Instagram it is run by our I was going to say

by our wives Lou and Rose although we haven't asked them to do it yet but I'm sure and so they will respond to any questions you have about our parenting on there yeah and then we can go over that yes they can confirm or deny certain stories yeah facts um but yeah they'll be running it and putting up some some stuff that'd be quite i think i feel a bit vulnerable with them running it yeah

so do i what if it goes really well and it's better than the podcast? All I can say is, as long as there's no OnlyFans, or if there isn't OnlyFans, I'll get a profit split. That's only fair. It's going to be terrible, isn't it, when we're doing the podcast as a spin-off of the Instagram? Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're like, oh, figures are up. Why, for that lingerie shoot from last week.

Thank you so much for listening. We will be back, as as always on Tuesday with Romesh see you then bye bye