Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP3: Lucy Beaumont

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP3: Lucy BeaumontJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown is comedian Lucy Beaumont who tells us all about her hamster sitcom, and more importantly as the partner of episode 2 guest Jon Richardson she's able to shed some light on what we are affectionately calling the 'curry-gate' scandal. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Discover Echo from Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at CirqueDuSoleil.com. Echo. Thanks for presenting Partners Sun Life. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacomombe and I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown which I would say can be a little tricky. So in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with me, Rob Beckett, and my man, Josh Winokun. Hello. I think that's the first time I've ever been anyone's man. Delighted. My man. I love saying that. I love saying that out loud.

Yeah, I can't imagine many people refer to you in that way. No, no, I've never refer to you in that way. No, no. I've never been referred to in that way. I've never been... I mean, when I say I've never been anyone's man, obviously I've had four or five relationships in my life. Yeah, yeah. And half of them were sexual, weren't they, Josh?

Exactly. Half of them were sexual. How are you? Certainly not the current one. How are you? Certainly not the current one. But remember, you know, class is permanent, form is temporary. I'm all right.

Yeah, I'm good. I'm very good, actually. Yesterday, so the weekend, I got drunk on Saturday night. I mean this. I used to be able to do anything hungover. I used to be fine. Parenting hungover is the worst. Yes.

I don't know how this happened, right? So I've spent the whole week trying to do things to stop my daughter watching Sarah and Doug. And yesterday, the roles were reversed and she wanted to play in the garden and I was begging her to watch TV. Just one episode. Can we just watch one episode? And she wasn't right. And I was like, what's wrong with you? Oh, brutal. They know, don't they? They know you're weak. They can smell it. It's like a dog. They can smell fear. I was just like, please, we'll just watch one episode. Let me, let me watch

an episode of Sarah and Duck, please. Do you know what know my trick is i wouldn't do it if i was solo parenting but sometimes i make sure i get so drunk that the first three hours of the morning when i wake up i'm still a bit tipsy yeah the morning feels pretty fun and then the afternoon really hits but you're closer to bedtime then from a morale point of view i think it's the not because parenting is something where you you can't go right let's just get this done and do it so if i'm hung over i'm like and i've got to say clean the house i'll be right right i'm just going to do this as i'm going to do it properly as far as throw myself into it but you can't go i'm just going to try and blast out these four hours of parenting in an hour and a half yeah you can't condense it well i find weekends were hard as well because because i'm working in

the week i don't do any work at weekends and then i do the majority of the parenting so i get up both days where lou gets up most of the week or we get up together but it's my job to get up and but sunday poor lou had this horrendous migraine which she was literally in bed all day so i got up half six with the kids and then she was still unwell with this migraine until bedtime, right? Quarter past seven she felt better to come downstairs with her belly but let's not get bogged down by those numbers. As soon as they were in bed she came down

and had a cat on her. That's just a coincidence, isn't it? A bit worried now because I know she listens to this. Yeah, join me on the worried because you know your partner listens to this. I've already made that mistake this episode. But in my defence, Lou did once say to me when I had a broken ankle

and I couldn't do much of the childcare, she walked into the room I was in with my foot up and I was playing on my PlayStation and she said to me, you need to get better or die. So I think that's a fair 50-50 on that. So I was exhausted yesterday. fair 50-50 on that. But, so I was exhausted yesterday. It was a tough day yesterday. So this morning, we were both knackered. We both said, look, you're still not well, Lou,

and I've got stuff to do. Let's get up together with them. So quarter past five this morning, the two-year-old started screaming and was up for the day. And I'm not like trying to convince him, but ready for the day. I gave her the iPad on Netflix, didn't even pick a programme.

She might be watching Michael Jordan as far as I'm concerned. I gave her her iPad and let her have her iPad. I went back to bed and slept. And at 8.30 in the morning, the two-year-old climbed on me and said, Daddy, my eyes hurt. Because she'd got three hours of iPad.

And I never normally let her watch that much, but we were so tired. My eyes hurt. My eyes hurt. Oh, bless her. So at least she knew. But that was hard. Imagine. How can you watch that much iPad?

She'd done the Titanic before 8.30am. But I feel a bit guilty. we're not normally that bad normally ipads for us were reserved for holidays or like long car journeys or stuff that was a bit out of the norm and then like an occasional treat or if one of us was ill or really hung over which i don't have the right place to give us to because for them it's such a treat but now that they're on it a lot, which is not great. What are you going to do? I'm on my iPad a lot. Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it?

I feel so guilty looking at my phone around her. But conversely, oh, so this, I'm not going to name who this is. Is this okay? My friend, I don't know if he still does it, but he had like a baby that's not obviously not conscious of what you're doing do you know yeah so say she's six months so when he was doing the early morning parenting he used to um have one of those apple earbuds in just one of them and then angle his head away so he could just listen to podcasts throughout the experience

yes do you think that's acceptable so what what was the baby doing just sort of sleeping so no no the baby would be in his arms and he'd be playing peekaboo with them but at the same time he'd have one of the apple earphones in yeah in his head so the baby can't see that he's also you know listening to um a podcast about nba i think that is excellent. Do you? Yeah. So if you sat with watching stuff, they don't really,

they're not watching a show with you so that you experience the drama of the show together. They just want to be with their dad and stuff. So you've got your arm out. And when they're that young as well, I used to listen to podcasts all the time and I walked them for miles and miles when they were new born.

But now they're like two and four. I don't because it feels rude. They want to interact. It feels rude. Do you know what I mean? But I try, sometimes if they're watching telly and I'm tidying up, I'll have one ear budding, tidying up, because I can do so much more tidying

with a podcast on than I would without. And then I've got one ear open to hear them. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think that's fine. I buy that. That's a great tip. You know what I mean? So I think that's fine. I buy that. That's a great tip. Do you want some correspondence?

Oh, always. It's the Lockdown Peridot mailbag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. Okay, this is under things we've bought to survive. So I'm going to send you this as a um as a picture the cardboard fort yeah so it's a picture of a cardboard castle right in the corner of a room hi josh and rob uh we've bought our three boys this massive cardboard castle but it is so big that we've had to sell the corner unit and a chair to fit it into the house. Oh, that's too much.

Fuck my life, Becca and Kieran. So they've basically bought a castle they'd misjudged the size on. Yeah. And because the children don't want to get rid of it, they've had to sell their furniture to fit it into the corner of their house. I don't know if it's got enough... Enough going for it to sell a chair and a corner unit. Exactly, yeah. enough going for it to sell a chair and a and a corner unit exactly yeah have you um do you worry

about like have you got a lot of kid stuff up and around your house like play stuff yes we've got i tell you what we bought that was quality it was half price because they're normally mental money and it's the most middle-class thing we've ever seen a wobble board a wobble board it's like a scandinavian thing that's like a big no that, that smiley face. That sort of shape. Yeah, yeah, that shape. Yeah, like a crescent. A crescent, like half a circle type thing. Yeah.

And they stand on it and wobble and they jump over it. So I got one of them. Yeah. And they loved it for about an hour and a half. And now I just trip over this massive bit of wood that's too expensive to get out the house. So what are you going to do with it? You've just got it in the house.

Yeah, but I'm sort of just tripping over it, hoping that they'll play with it again. But there are a number of things in our house. For example, again, I'm heading towards an argument with my wife when she listens to this. She wanted these IKEA little shelf things that screw into a

wall and this other thing, a blackboard that we were going to write on what we were going to do to screw into a wall. Something else for the kids to hang their stuff on to screw into a wall and this other thing and a blackboard that we were going to write and what we were going to do to screw into a wall something else for the kids to hang their stuff on to screw into a wall and i said look let's not screw anything into a wall because you may change your mind let's just put it there for a bit and see if they use it no got screwed into a wall month later i don't like that loads of holes in the wall so i would suggest don't put anything into a wall until you've seen that they definitely, you know, it's a long-term thing.

Like that IKEA kitchen that I had to make, the little IKEA kitchen. You keep bringing that up. You're so proud of building that. Yeah, but it had attachments that you were meant to screw it to the wall. And I was like, there's absolutely no way I'm doing that. Well, yeah, in case it falls on them, isn't it?

Yeah, but do you know what? I'd prefer to take the risk of it falling on her than have to do that polyfiller in six months. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis?

My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... Life's a trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. goodnight kids goodnight mama

life's a trip make the most of it at Best Western right thank you for your correspondence anything that you've bought that has been a disaster we're always looking for it

or any tales of lockdown parenting hell this is how to get in touch email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. We've got an incredible guest this week, a comedian, writer, actor, professional Northern lady as well, wouldn't you say, Josh? I'd say genuinely the best person ever to come out of Hull.

Yeah, when I think of a Northern accent, I think of Lucy Beaumont. And she's the wife of John Richardson, who we had on last week. So we are cross-examining them. Like a detective duo, really, isn't it, Josh? Exactly. If you heard John Richardson's story about the curry, you're about to get a witness account of it. Yes. All of the curry details will be explained in full. Enjoy. Lucy Beaumont, hello. Hello, hello. How are you doing? Yeah, good. Well, yeah, it's a funny one, isn't it? Because I'll be honest with you, I'm really enjoying myself.

But then obviously I talk to someone or I read a paper and then I'm not. But mostly, I'm all right. I could do a year of this. You could do a year? Well, the thing is, I was already insane. Where are you at this moment? Right at the moment, I'm in the garage, which you may know is being turned into the sort of pub.

So do you still call it the garage or the pub? We call it the dog and bastard. Even the child calls it the dog and bastard. Oh, really? Really. Are you okay with that? Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, that's why we moved here.

So we'd have a child who would say bastard at three and a half. Oh, instead of bastard. Yeah. Some words sound better southern, don't they? The C word sounds better southern, but I do think the B word sounds better northern. That's a definite. Are there any still southern words she says,

or is she fully northern now? She's sort of 50% northern and 50% Netflix. Yeah, she's like, hey, guys, going in the dog and bastard. My name is Carol Baskin. Oh. Oh. What's that? She's just heckled, saying it wasn't me, it was Carol Baskin.

But we've talked, I see. I'm getting a bit concerned about the child you're raising. I know, I know. It's because she's not at school. We're not worried about anything coming back to us yet. Oh, yeah, that's the thing. They can get away with more, can't they? Because I don't really care about certain things my kids say.

You just don't want them to say I'm in front of people. Yeah, that's it. How does your day work out? We've obviously spoken to John and we've had his account of it. So you're doing half the parenting each and then you get half the day to yourself is that right yeah he's gonna yeah he told you he's gonna rota yeah hour by hour how did that go down well i'm purposely trying to to sabotage it i can't help it i just don't agree just don't agree especially like the activities like that you have to do with her.

So like when you're roted with hair, you have a set activity that you do with her. Oh, really? He didn't say that. No, he wouldn't tell you that, no. What are the activities? Forest school. Yeah.

So when it's forest school, we eat marshmallows inside. It is good to have a routine. It has changed things. It really has. I do recommend it. So you agree with it? You just like to disrupt it to annoy John? Yeah, basically, yeah.

That's your fun. He's smug. He thinks he's solved coronavirus by... Are you spending more time as a family than you ever have oh gosh yeah definitely and it's good it's i don't know about you but like we've come like full circle so all the little kinks of things that you know we've had to sort of iron them out to be able to get on that's good yeah it's been good yeah you've both got two of them yeah no i've only got one oh have you got one oh sorry a two-year-old and a four-year-old so they they do play together but they do fight there's two Yeah. We've got two, haven't you? No, I've only got one. Oh, have you got one? Oh, sorry.

I've got a two-year-old and a four-year-old. So they do play together, but they do fight. Two is a bit tougher. But then someone else has got three and four, and we're quite lucky and stuff. But it's just they're always there. Because I know quality time is great, but I feel like we're just descending into time now.

It's like the quality's dropped, so I'm just just doing time my weekends are completely game over parenting wise that's when I really turn on myself really the weekends are just complete anarchy and bedlam yeah because people say I they parent I don't think I really parent I'm just not doing any work and I'm just near my kids I don't think it's I don't know what when the parenting bit begins yeah but you talk to them don't you oh yeah I engage and mess around with them but I'm more like their mate than I am a teacher but you said you iron out kinks in like the relationship between like the three of you is there what was it then that was a troublesome at the start of lockdown that's now been resolved? Any issues between you and John? I think it's sort of clarified.

We do want to be with each other. Okay. That's positive. That's good news, isn't it? That's good to work that out. Yeah, that's a good sign, isn't it? If you're spending longer with somebody and it makes you want to be with them more, I think the problem was not seeing each other a lot.

And you know that thing of when you're actually sort of passing the child between the two of you yeah you're sort of like co-workers sometimes when you're busy yeah so that that has been good and of course it's this is his domain this is his thing this social distancing frequent hand washing and food rationing He's been prepping. He's been one of them preppers. He's been waiting for this since puberty. And now it's happening. He has not had a germ on him since about John Major as Prime Minister, really. No, I know.

You seem a lot more positive than John was when he spoke to him because he said he was having a bit of trouble at dinner time with the curry. He made her a corn curry with brown rice. I mean, I'm tapping out of that as an adult. He never said that, did he, Josh? No, he said it was a lovely curry. It was a lovely curry for John.

For someone who's trying to not like food. You can't expect a kid to eat that No, so she pretended that she wanted a poo And I made her chicken dippers Does she play you off against each other then? Does she understand the different characters? God, she's so clever She's been doing it, yeah

She's had me particularly wrapped around it She listens to John, he's the disciplinarian And me, I'm wrapped around her finger She listens to John. He's the disciplinarian. And me, I'm wrapped around her finger. I don't even realise I'm doing stuff. And then before I know it, like, a whole Easter egg's gone. And she's still in her pyjamas and it's four o'clock. You're the good cop then and John's the bad cop.

Do you know what I think it is? She sees me as, like, her older sister. Yeah. Like a sibling. It's hard. My wife's a bit like that with the two girls. And sometimes in the morning, it's her turn to get up with them. And she goes in and they're arguing and fighting.

And she starts shouting, I can't work out which one's my wife. It just sounds like they're all the same. I've got three daughters. I can't work out the voices. Oh, God. I do that got three daughters. I can't work out the voices. Oh, God. I do that with her socks. I can't work out whose socks are who. I don't know. I work the hair socks.

It's tricky, isn't it? It's just no one can prepare you, can they? Like how it changes your relationship and your home. Yeah. Is your home in a good state? Like John must be keeping it pretty sharp. It's all bo bollocks this thing about him being tidy is it he's absolutely not tidy no no it'll line up like tins in the fridge but everything else will just be and he's not he's not clean he doesn't hoover or dust or anything like that it's all i can't believe it people

think oh you must have a real tidy house. No, I do it all. Do you? I do everything. Yeah, I do everything. Because he was quite angry about the strainer in the sink. Apart from that, yeah. That's his thing, is it? Yeah, we do argue a lot about stuff like that.

But I think it's really good to argue, isn't it? Yeah, I think you need it. When you hear a couple that doesn't argue, I find that very creepy. Do you know what's happening if there's a couple who isn't arguing? One of them's having an affair. In lockdown, that'd be ambitious, though, wouldn't it? You only get an hour in the park. That's what doggers have been waiting for for years.

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free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. And you're watching a lot of children's TV, Lucy? How bad are you with screen time? Are you tight on it or are you... I'm not, no. If it's something I'm enjoying, I just...

Yeah, it's just so good now. Children's TV is amazing, isn't it? Just the best films. I was watching something special, you know, something to do with Mr Tumble with Pearl, and then she went up for a nap, and it took me about five minutes to realise that I was still watching it.

It's just on the cusp, isn't it, Mr Tumble? Oh. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'd let her be in a room with him, but I'd have to have the door open to help her clear it. I think he's our greatest physical comedian. I mean, maybe I'm overstating that, but when Mr Tumble falls over, it absolutely gets me.

Yeah, doesn't it? Yeah. Have you heard of a bloke called Jim Carey? I think you'd like him. I can't believe I'm going to accuse someone

of being stuck in the 90s but come on Rob. He's an amazing physical comedian. You're telling me Tumble is better than Ace Ventura.

He escaped from the back end of a rhino. That was unbelievable. I think Mr Tumble is the closest thing we've ever had to Chaplin.

And I say that as someone who's never watched Charlie Chaplin, to be honest, because I've watched a lot of Mr Tumble. That's the kind of thing I'd hear on Radio 4 and just switch up and go, fuck off. Fucking shit comics on fucking Radio 4, fuck off. And then put magic on and then go and watch a natural comedy. Did you have any plans for things you wanted to achieve in this time, Lucy? And have you achieved them?

Well, yeah, I'm writing a cartoon, but it's definitely not for kids. It's about a family of Welsh hamsters that think they're the Kardashians. Or the Hamdashians. What I find astonishing is I'm struggling to tidy all the cupboards in the kitchen and you're considering whether you can animate your own cartoon. I was going to say, Lucy, if we were still on lockdown and for some reason that, you know, John and everyone else in your house

just got vanished away for a day and you had the whole house to yourself, what would you do with that day? And you couldn't do any work, but like you were just to relax and have a bit of self-care. What is it you'd do? Oh, I mean, so,

but shall I just be honest what I'd do? Be honest. I'd really have a good go on the kitchen floor, get everything out and, like, you know, proper clean. Oh, really? Really? Just clean the cupboard and the kitchen empty? Yeah, all the nooks and crannies, yeah, yeah.

Because I'm noticing it because I have to pretend to be a yeti a lot at the moment. She makes me get on the floor and pretend to be a yeti. Yeah. You know, from Abominable. Yeah. I've seen that film. Yeah. You know, if I'm abominable in that film. Yeah. Yeah, and I have to go.

And because I'm doing so much floor work, you see, I'm noticing a lot that needs doing. Oh, okay. So that would be your day's task, would be cleaning the kitchen floor. Yeah, isn't that boring? But when that's done, will you not reward yourself? Oh, then I get a bottle of gin and just get really pissed

and put songs on really loud. Do you go to the pub in the garage? Is that John's domain? Well, I do. I don't come in here a lot. He comes in, he says, I'm going to do a bit of work and then you open the door and you find him just like playing darts on his own with a bottle of whiskey so is that is that his office then or has he got

it's become his office yes it's his office now yeah yeah weird that isn't it yeah how strange that become and and I only come in about once a year like Christmas and I get so drunk that I end up turning to someone and saying we need to get a taxi home are you drinking a lot on lockdown Lucy well I'm one of them like I really susceptible to what people say like on social media so if someone's like got a picture of them you know with a glass of wine then I'll want one. I'm not really a drinker, but if everyone else is, because I thought that's what we were all doing. I thought we were all meant to be drinking every day. Part of the guidelines.

Yeah. But I've stopped that now, so I'm not really bothered about drinking every day. I'd rather every six months not remember two days in my life we've put a rule in now where what we do is we save fun stuff for the weekend so we don't have any takeaways or any drink now during the week and then friday saturday and sunday we can drink all three of those days so like we've got this bit of lego that the girls want to do and they said can we do it and before i was like yeah let's just do it now because we've got all this time but

now let's save it for the weekend. So it feels like we're building to something every week rather than it just being a big free-for-all. Oh, that's a good idea. And then a beer at like seven o'clock on a Friday night feels so good rather than 11 a.m. on a Tuesday. I have that in that I've got drunk two Fridays in a row and it does feel like end of the week.

When I'm working on a Friday afternoon and I know I'm hitting the pub which is basically the sitting room, I genuinely that feeling of freedom is like nothing else. It's unbelievable. It must be so nice having that pub in your garage though because you can like at seven

for us, we just sit in the kitchen and have a drink. We've got our kitchen front room thing, we'll knock the wall through and it's like we're just in the same room we've been in but like to go into a fresh room and pour a pint it must feel like you're at the pub lucy can you both go into the pub together uh when your daughter is asleep oh well this is it we can but we feel a bit because we tried it and we were so anxious so So he'll come in here on his own, basically. And what are you doing with your evenings? Are you finding you're kind of enjoying the fact you're together in your evenings a lot more?

Yeah, I mean, we just watch telly anywhere, really. Nothing's really changed. What we're watching, I'm really, I can't watch anything heavy. Yeah, Rose has got that. Yeah, I can't watch anything too heavy because I feel like, you know, everyone has up days and down days, but I feel pretty sort of chilled about it all. But then there was this really sort of, you know,

like sad stories about children with cancer and stuff like that. It's like an advert. One of them come on and I just completely burst into tears out of nowhere. And I was like, oh, where did that come from? Because it's in there somewhere. Because we're all a bit anxious, aren't we? And I was like, oh, my God. So anything like that, I swerve.

Did you cry? I cried with the first applause. I've hardened up now. I've done it a few times. I can deal with it now. But the first applause absolutely slayed me. Yeah, I felt the same. So on lockdown, has there been a moment that's been like a real highlight

where you've gone, oh, this is amazing, we're all together, or something happened and it was a little moment in time and you thought, oh, this is great. And what's been like a low point where you thought, oh, I can't do this. This is doing my head in. Oh, God. I mean, I have like burst like many times. Like it's a wash with highs and lows.

I think like really sort of really spending that really like sort of focused time with my daughter has made me realise that she is, she's going to be really weird. She's going to be really weird. She's going to be like me. She looks normal, but she's weird. looks normal but she's weird she the particular highlight was when i said where are you going she said i'm just gonna go get dressed in some of my sweet italian clothes i was like i was so proud i was like that's so random you're gonna really struggle at school but it was really heartwarming it's lovely oh that's nice so that's that's the positive that one and low probably today actually um john is currently sulking that we didn't save him any manga

genuinely yeah we went on a picnic and he just turned to me and he didn't sound angry. He just said, I just want you to know I'm really, really upset that you didn't think of me when you ate that mango. I'm still mad about it now. He was, don't mess with that man's mango. He mentioned that to us as well the mango yeah wow joking did he oh my god that is amazing well he won't he won't awake he won't awake so we

ate oh so what time are you um you eating the mango in the morning that's an early start with the mango isn't it she woke up at six this morning i think that's the psychological difference between 5 59 and 6 a.m is huge is the biggest there's no other i'd say that's far more different than the difference between like three o'clock and five o'clock in the afternoon that one minute between 5 59 complete day game changer what i've learned but i've not i've never enforced it you feel so much better if you wake up before them, have a shower and you're downstairs having a coffee, and then when they woke up and come downstairs,

you're like, yeah, welcome to my world, as opposed to them jumping on you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you're right. Just sitting there having a coffee, you're like, this is my day. When you're in bed and they go, can I get out of here? Can I get out of here? You're their prison bitch for the day. Yeah, waking up with like mommy that like oh it's like it's

like waking up late isn't it you're missing your alarm you go it's that panic and stress where if you're up before them even though you're more tired psychologically you're in charge of the day oh that's a really good idea and once pearl is shouting out and she'll be shouting out for rose but i'll be the one that's going through so i've so once she's shouting out and I've and then I go to the toilet but the pressure on going to the toilet when she's getting increasingly irate it's the most stressful start to the day you could possibly have you've basically got someone shouting you to hurry up having a piss and it's it's like being in a in a pub when someone's going to throw up in the cubicle after you yeah no you're right and it's not when the real as well

i've noticed that don't like you know when they wake up coughing in the shower for you he can't go to her he has to go to the toilet first yeah that's what she's shouting and he's going i'm going i'm going every time sometimes three times night, each time he has to go. It's just like, wee, that sounds like a whore. I don't get it because men, like, he doesn't drink anything. Where does it come from? I'll tell you where it comes from. You know when he says he's going to work in the pub bit?

Right. It's been an absolute pleasure talking to you, Lucy. I'm glad you're keeping well. Thank you so much. You both sound like you're handling it. You're on the cusp, aren't you? We're really on the cusp. We kind of started this podcast to make

ourselves feel a bit better and it's genuinely helped me so far. Has it helped you? No, I feel worse. Everyone's nailing it. Lucy's having the time of her life. All she wants is an hour so she can clear the kitchen on her own. I'm running around my house screaming.

Lucy Beaumont, thank you very much. Thank you. Cheers, mate. That was the excellent Lucy Beaumont. Rob. Yes. Thoughts on Currygate? I think we all know what we're thinking.

Chick, pea and sweet potato. An adult would have won it, John. Never mind a child. That is a thing, isn't it, really? When was the first time you tried a sweet potato, Rob? You know what? I can work my way around a sweet potato fry. If you order a sweet potato fry

it's such a disappointing middle ground between it's also there's no health and no joy. You might as well just go fries or go a salad. Sweet potato fries is so depressing because it's not quite what you want. It's a waste of everybody's time. And also it's so crispy yet floppy and fleshy.

It's an unbelievable texture experience. The dips are the only saving grace of a sweet potato fry. Oh, my God. If you go bareback on a sweet potato fry, you're going to get a friend of mine. I'm not having that. Imagine an animal just ploughing it in, no seasoning or dip. There's nothing that is healthy enough that it is worth ordering a sweet potato fry for.

It's not possible to be that healthy. Do you know what I find unsettling? It's when you go to an old school caf and that you order beans. And the plates are so massive, there is always just a single layer of beans. Oh, what? Do you want them piled up? Yeah, I just find it all spread out. It's just too,

it's too much area. It's like when you look at Russia on a map, you go, it can't be that big. Do you know what is worse than that? If you order beans in a, in a non-old school cafe and they don't tell you, but they've actually made the beans themselves.

Oh, I'm going to self-isolate out there for a bottle of irons, you animals. That was Lucy Beaumont though. It was great to talk to her yeah i love lucy beaumont sorry about the rant thank you for listening i thank you to lucy as well uh for being on the episode uh she was brilliant um if you have enjoyed the show and to be honest if you've got this far and you aren't enjoying the show what is wrong with you? If you have enjoyed the show, please give it a five-star review on iTunes.

Please subscribe because one week Rob's going to have a proper breakdown. You don't want to miss it. You don't want to miss it. Exactly. Also as well, we slipped down a bit. Peter Crouch turned up the podcast. Fair enough.

Number three, bloody Peter Crouch. Also with someone else coming up the rear behind us, scary looking fella, Ross Kemp. Kemp cast. Kemp. Kempcast. Kemp is on the case. Please do not let us be beaten by Kempcast.

No, exactly. The first episode is an hour and a half. I haven't listened to it. I'm sure it's very good because he scares me. Yeah. But he's talking to someone from the SAS. Change the record, Kemp. Come on.

Change the record. So do give us, you know, all that we need to fight off the Kemp cast. We will let you know next week whether we did manage to fight off Kemp cast. Later this week, we will be joined by the amazing Jonathan Ross. Oh, it's a banger. See you then. Bye. Don't let us get beaten by Grant Mitchell.

Hello and welcome to John Richardson and the Futurenauts How to Survive the Apocalypse. I am John Richardson, professional whingebag and defeatist, and I am joined by the Futurenauts who are Mark Stevenson, hello. Hello. And Ed Gillespie, hello. Hello. Mark and Ed are the two experts who are invited before I make a series like Ultimate Warrior to make me look more informed

and intelligent and this podcast will attempt to lay bare that entire process by proving that in fact i know nothing and they know everything each episode will discuss some of the problems facing our society and through an attempt to find some optimism we'll offer up some solutions as well as my co-pilots on this journey mark Mark and Ed, are insightful, interesting, and witty people, and they can tell you exactly what the future will be in five years. Right, guys? I'm not sure that's strictly true, but, you know. No, I'll take it.

Yes, take the compliment where it's offered. They both know more than me, and, frankly, are of more use to society than me. However, people seem to follow me on Twitter and not them. So this podcast is an attempt to reverse that process. If I have one goal for this podcast series

it's that by the end I have three followers left and they are my wife, my neighbours and my mum. And everyone else has realised, why wouldn't I just listen to these two in the first place?