Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP30: "I carried a watermelon..."

Episode Date: August 7, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP30: I carried a watermelon...More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob. Find out more about the great range of school uniform available from F&F at Tesco here: https://bit.ly/BackToSchoolPC Available in selected larger stores. Subject to availability. Excludes Next.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parenting(And the NikNak account is @penrosehouse #niknaksafety)A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Only theaters April 5th. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills...

Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. We are recording. Oh, God, I need people's voice thing, don't we? How's your week been, Josh? Welcome to Lockdown Parents in Hell.

That's got to be the start. Yeah, we were recording that. That should be the start. Let's just get straight into it. We don't need a voice one today. I'll just get straight into my day. I was thinking just then that this has shown how low my kind of life ambition is at the moment. So this is not part of my bad day.

This is the one positive to come out of my day. Oh, yeah. Because I'm doing League of Their Own tomorrow. Yeah. day oh yeah uh so because i'm doing league of their own tomorrow yeah and um so you do a brief if if you haven't done a panel show um you do a briefing call where they'll phone you up and they'll kind of tell you who else is on and like what games you might have to play just like briefly give you an outline because obviously i haven't done tv in so long so i was just quite excited about leaving east london and he said have you got any questions

about the show and I went will I be able to have a Nando's and he was like yeah yeah you can have a Nando like, great. Yeah. I'm looking forward to it. I'll do that. How have you been? I've had a terrible few days. You sound stressed, but I've not heard about it. Terrible 24 hours. Oh, no. Like Jack Bauer.

That would have really done well 15 years ago, that reference. So it started. I've lost my wallet. Oh, no. But I've not made my peace with it yet. So I'm still at that stage where my cards are blocked, but I haven't cancelled them. Temporary block while you look, basically.

Temporary block, because I just don't believe that I've lost my wallet. Where have you been? So you know that deli? Yeah, the food bank deli. Yeah. They did some lovely stuff in that blue box by the door. Well, there might be a wallet that fell in there actually have a look um so just between that and my house

which is what 20 yards yeah i can't have lost a wallet in that distance oh no did you put it in a plastic bag when you was coming it was in my pocket it's not plastic bag is it with them we have to carry no no no exactly obviously they'd have absolutely hold me over the cold so i've lost my wallet um and we'd got overly used to my daughter waking up at a reasonable kind of 7 30 and then she did a 5 30 this morning oh it's a game changer so i'd gone to bed at like half 12 so i've had only five hours um you know what's sad about this There'll be people listening to that going, you jammy bastard. You have five hours all to yourself in a bed.

But do you know what it was? I was saying to Rose, I was like, I used to get up at 5.30 every day. Why am I tired today? And it's because I haven't, I've adopted the old me bedtimes. Do you know what I mean? I slipped into, so I used to get up at 5.30. Yeah, because I went to bed at half ninetimes. Do you know what I mean? I've slipped into, so I used to get up at 5.30.

Yeah, because I went to bed at half nine or 10. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. But then. Yeah, I understand. You're in the old me bedtimes. I mean, the old me, I mean, back in old me bedtimes. That's my character, my Cockney character, old me bedtimes.

Old me bedtimes, here he comes. Old me bedtimes. He's only bleeding, woken up. So, the worst thing that's happened is we've lost our hot water. Now, this was worse when it happened at Christmas.

Josh, I know you've not worked on telly for a little while, but you've lost your wallet and you can't afford hot water. Do you need a loan? Are you okay? Genuinely, I just, I need that nando's because i'm starving as well because i've been in that deli and if you're shopping in there regularly you need to be on telly a lot so at christmas our boiler broke which was much worse because obviously it was freezing yeah and we didn't have hot water for four days from the Christmas night back to kind of 29th.

Oh, that's awful. It was awful. And it was only fixed in the end by me doing one of those. Have you ever had to do a passive aggressive tweet where you apt the company in to get them to get their act together? Oh, no, I haven't, but I'm really looking forward to it one day yeah and it really it does work i will admit it works but what's the point of you know getting that following if you can't exploit it every now and again exactly don't you tell me anyone else wouldn't do the same with a cold house exactly so you're doing it for your

jimmy chews no exactly i i found they they said it would take three to seven days for the part or something and i tweeted out does anyone else have this part because at and then the company name that's good that is good yeah yeah and then they found the part quite quickly i can't do that this time so we didn't have any hot water and i thought I'd fixed it, Rob. I was so smug about it. So I went down to the, what's it called? The boiler in our kitchen. Yeah. And it was flashing red six times.

And I got the manual out and I cross-referenced the six red flashes. And I was like, I'm absolutely nailing this. Six red flashes also equals miscellaneous fault, which is not a good enough that is not an acceptable description of what i hate you when they never they just put misc as well misc m-i-s-c on a little dashboard misc but it said hold the button down for five seconds and it'll reset and it did but then obviously the hot water didn't come back on so um called out a plumber today and he looked at the boiler so i'm going to send you a photo now of the boiler yeah see if

you can spot the issue um can i just double check are we um uh dads in our 30s oh hang on i've got a picture of boiler in my inbox yes i am okay that's the boiler yeah oh there's a mouse on it there's a dead mouse on the top of it this has got to go down in our instagram because we keep forgetting to put stuff up there's a towel hanging down that's a dead mouse and he was like well that dead mouse is going to have chewed through some wires and that's why he's dead. Do you reckon he thought it was a fridge? That's what he was trying to get in it. So currently, he was like, we're going to have to call out pest people to fumigate the boiler before we can do any work on the boiler.

I'm just, I'm so close to just buying a new building Canary Wharf, Rob. Well, that's the problem.'ve got a beautiful victorian period house and it is stunning but full of snails and mice oh so so josh i'm just saying if you do want to sell this house you've got to fucking shut up soon about it you're knocking 10 grand off every podcast so currently i haven't heard from the fumigators yeah so they were meant to call me today we're currently as we're recording it's 5 26 so i'm not hopeful so still no hot water still no hot water there's no way we're gonna have it this evening 24 hours ago i was annoyed we didn't have hot water and now hot water is a step further away because i've got to get this boiler area fumigated oh at least it

went a rat yeah exactly that's a positive so that has been my day um but do you know what i'm having an ando's tomorrow yeah you know what you're having an ando's you probably earn enough to buy a new boiler and then you're back in the game. Yeah. I should say on the house thing that we talked about knickknacks last week because you'd come round to my house. Yeah.

And people followed my wife's knickknack Instagram. Oh, yeah. Knickknacks being things around the house. Yeah, little lovely knickknacks. And it is lovely it's a lovely house she posted up what must be the most dangerous thing i've ever seen in our house i hadn't even clocked which you've just commented how it's like a glass cube containing some china again this needs to go on so that we need to put she's linked to all our followers

your your wife yeah we'll redirect. It's a glass coffee table with a gold sort of tray. And on that gold tray is five little saucers. Absolutely no reason for those saucers to be there because no one's having a cup of tea. That are like porcelain.

And then a glass box cage with another sort of ceramic ornament that looks like the bottom half of a turtle and the top half of a unicorn. And it all looks instantly breakable. And how come your daughter hasn't grabbed any of that? Well, I don't know, Rob, but astonishingly,

modern technology, like a fucking water boiler, is the thing that's causing all the problems. I realise that, you know, in many ways my life is blessed. In other ways, I'm currently waiting for the corner of my kitchen to be fumigated before I can even consider getting a plumber back to sort the hot water. And you wait as well. It will rain again and get cold.

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Visit tdaeropl program. Conditions apply. Offer ends June 3rd, 2024. Visit TDAeroplan.com for details. Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavours.

Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. How have you been? Considering your week, mine's been pretty plain sailing, to be honest. I mean, i did have a very stressful number two in the toilet oh yeah you were gonna tell us about that well you do get to a point where you can't you can't have any moments alone and i i tried to go for a poo and i've got quite good at doing them quickly now because i'm aware you have no time and as i was

doing it i've got two children one came in and stripped off completely naked for no reason okay and then went out the other one come in and saw the other one was naked and thought that looks like a laugh i love a bit of that so she come in and stripped off completely naked in front of me as well and then went on a wee so did a wee in the potty even though she's old enough to go to the toilet and i said go upstairs to the toilet upstairs all right yeah um then one came in carrying a whole watermelon what hadn't been cut up a watermelon from the fridge as big as her curled up this was she's not like you see an ant with a branch she walks in i went no no no put it down so she puts it on the floor of the toilet and obviously i'm stuck here i can't start you know i need to ask i can i ask what might be a

graphic question but i need to know when one of them walks in obviously you're remaining seated yeah but is the whole maneuver put on a kind of pause well what had happened was i'd had a few beers and a curry the night before so most of the most of the you know what this mouse situation isn't too bad after all most of the damage done, but I was still working on a few stubborn bits, shall we say. So I was in no position to leave. However, if you'd walked into my house, you would have known I'd just had a shit. Yeah.

That's the vibe we're at, okay? So she comes in with a walkman. I went, no, no, put that down because I don't want it in the bathroom. I don't want the toilet. I don't want her to carry it back in and drop it somewhere. So I just put it down, right? So she puts it down on the potty that's got piss in. Oh my word. Now I'm like, that's got got a bin. And I'm like, well, could I just wipe it? Well, it did not. Anyway, but it hasn't touched any wee bit. It's on top of. Yeah. But also they've got a strong old skin

of watermelon, haven't they? Yeah. I mean, let's get, I mean, I'm not at that point in the story yet, but I have eaten that watermelon since, but I did clean it. Anyway, they're not cheap. I'm not, I'm doing all right, but I'm not in the position

to throw a whole watermelon in a bin. Anyway, so she's put that in there, right? And I went, no, no, leave it. And then I don't know how

the two-year-old comes in with the biggest knife I've ever seen. Like one from Halloween. And I'm like, fuck no! I leap forward to grab it. So I've ever seen. Like one from Halloween. And I'm like, fuck no! I leap forward to grab it. So I've grabbed that, right, because she wanted to cut the

watermelon up. So I've grabbed it. And I was like, but now, you don't learn what your kids can do until they do it. I didn't think she could reach that far up, but she found two steps that she got and then made a little ladder anyway. So I've got that. Put that behind me, right? This is all going on. Can I just ask a quick question? Yeah. Is your wife out at this stage? She's out, right? She's gone to the shops, ladder. Anyway, so I've got that. Put that behind me, right? This is all going on. Can I just ask a quick question?

Yeah. Is your wife out at this stage? She's out, right? She's gone to the shops, right? Anyway, and then next thing that happens, one is absolutely screaming because she stubbed her toe and is coming in going, I stubbed my toe, I stubbed my toe. Can I have a plaster?

Can I have a plaster? And then the other one comes in screaming, oh, what a watermelon. Daddy won't let me have a watermelon. Both screaming, crying. And I'm still in the middle of all this. Oh, my God. And then the door goes, me walk in and both screaming crying like i'm still in the middle of all this oh my god the door goes lou comes in and goes who's been a good girl today and i shouted no one she bought these two denim jackets from zara with like disney characters on and i can't have them. Just give me five minutes.

Awful. Oh, wow. Oh, it's horrendous. It's just like one after another. Just like, what, they've been sitting watching telly for like 20 minutes. Why now? Why do that now?

Oh, well, I'm glad we're both in a good mood. Shall we hear from some of our listeners, Rob? Yes, please. I've got a couple of salty emails about you actually, Josh. Oh, no.

Things have taken a turn. It's the Lock parody mailbag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. Okay, do you remember Luke the Puzzle Master Smith? The guy that wrote in who'd started doing puzzles. His partner has emailed in with the subject, Luke the Puzzle smith's partner strikes back oh okay so if you remember luke uh was the person who did puzzles because he knew that his wife

would make him do them so it was time on his own away from his kids yeah and he was a bit of the like loves rugby a bit alpha maley passive aggressive loves loves muscles and puzzles yes i am the partner of luke the puzzle master smith couple of points to make firstly entrapment when i got with a rugby playing weightlifting engineer i thought i'd hit the jackpot securing a man with brains and brawn i'm not sure about the brains so it's just the brawny had lost since his sympathy pregnancy weight gain but now i realize his brains have gone too as he has publicly admitted to his sneaky puzzling tricks on a podcast he knows i listen to oh you luke luke i mean i've

learned the hard way with golf i've really opened a pandora's box i'm having people come up to me at golf courses genuinely i'm going what are you doing what are you thinking what earth yes that is what we do but don't tell them well. Well, this is the problem Luke's got. If he goes to any of his puzzle workshops, that's what's going to happen. Secondly. Also known as the Virgin Club. Sorry.

Can you explain what a jigsaw emergency is? I have sacrificed two full kitchen cupboards to the jigsaw collection as he insists they must be within easy reach at any time in case of a puzzling emergency. I'm not sure what this is and so far I've not had one. Not only can I not eat my breakfast and drink my whipped coffee, it's a lockdown thing like banana bread, on my breakfast bar,

but I must now store the coffee even further away from the coffee machine to ensure the jigsaws are in a satisfactory position in the house. And lastly, why does a fully grown man insist on being referred to as the puzzle master it's a rugby thing isn't it do you think it is yeah it's better than like like large arsehole or floppy cock that's the kind of rugby rugby names isn't it yeah he insists on it uh at any time when the puzzle is in the process of being completed oh really he has to be called that he called that? He has to be called the Puzzle Master at any time. I think it's always good to get two sides of the story because we do hear one side.

So if your partner has written in to us, feel free to get back to us with the other side of the story. Yeah, and even if you're not a listener of the podcast, if you've sent something in, play this, play what we said to them and then they can reply. It's only fair, I think, in healthy relationships that the other party gets a right of response and i'm fully aware we've been doing this for three months now and neither of our partners have been invited on the podcast but you know do as i say not as i do exactly do you know what i've never thought of

but i think could be a good shout if you're just like up to your wits end with kids, right? And they go mental in the kitchen or whatever, or like near the kitchen, you could, in your partner's head, just smash a glass on the floor. And go, oh, sorry guys, I've dropped a glass. Can you take them in there? Take them in that other room and I'll tidy up. Oh, that is good.

Do you think it's worth the money of the glass? Would you buy some cheap glasses? Like some really cheap glasses? I'm talking about Ikea stuff, not Wedgwood. Do you want another tip if you get banned from golf? Yeah. You know, like when the magician gets thrown out the magic circle? Yeah.

You are so close to that, Rob. I know. It's dangerous, isn't it? What's the other tip? I just listened to episode 26 where Rob is rumbled for giving away the golf secrets. He asked if there's any other activities that give you the same kind of freedom without wanting to ruin another secret i have one home brewing home brewing for this to be most effective you need to have a friend who does it at their place rather than your own you can then say i'm going to my friend's place to make home brew when that's done we'll share it together this is why it's great. Oh, sorry, the girls are banging.

I'm just at work. I'll come in in a minute, okay? Can you stop banging on the window? Put that knife down. Put that knife of watermelon down. Right, see you in a minute. Bye. Can you take, Luke, can you take her?

Give me five minutes. I'm still doing the podcast. Yeah, I'll help with bedtime, yeah, definitely. Look at this. Look, absolutely under pressure here. Like, help with bedtime. Pressure on. Look at this. Look, absolutely under pressure here. Like, help with bedtime. Pressure on.

You don't get Lewis Hamilton's wife tapping her watch when he's on his last lap. Hurry up. Got bedtime in a minute. I don't care if you're on track for the greatest finish of all time. What time does bedtime start, Rob? About six. I've got 20 minutes. I mean, if it was five, I'd say if Lewis is in the middle of work,

I'd knock on the window at quarter past six six to say are you helping with bedtime or not yeah i mean but anyway we'll have to sort that out i mean it's good to here's this life parenting in action yeah no no it's only on the doubts that you're a real parent it's these kind of things where people get the real insight into what we're actually like yeah also as well i'm in the office i've got my laptop out of my phone my headphones on. What do you think I'm fucking doing? Wow, let's not go there, Rob. What, wanking?

Are you suggesting that I'd be wanking with headphones on talking to myself through a microphone? If anyone's going to. Sorry, go. Do you want to hear about home brewing?

Yes, please. Home brewing. A brew day can take from three to eight hours depending on how you do it there's very little work actually involved on brew day most of it is standing around waiting for liquid to heat up or cool you can drink when doing it in three to four weeks you will have drinkable beer you can give some to your partner as a gift oh i it's all it's all making sense now like my my father-in-law makes pickled onions oh mate and he will do like 15 jars of it and what he gets is he collects all the jars and

he spends like a day washing out the jars peeling off the old jam label then pickling brisket americans do brisket don't they slow cooker this i need a slow burner in the garden that's charcoal not gas this one as well it says you can go to beer festivals in name of research in places like germany and belgium i mean rob i'll be honest with you though i can't be bothered to make homebrew like i almost it'll be disgusting as well i don't want to drink my own beer particularly with what what kind of wildlife is on the be disgusting as well i don't want to drink my own beer particularly with what what kind of wildlife is on the edge of this house i don't need to be doing that in the garden you have not got fresh enough water to be brewing i'm getting hints of dead mice and snails

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I think you're going to get annoyed by a couple of these, by the way. Oh, no. Because you can get a bit frustrated. You can. Here we go. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm a long-time listener, first-time emailer.

I met Josh outside of Whangamamas in Tombridge Wells last summer. Yeah, I remember going to that Whangamamas. Josh was, not the gig, just the Whangamamas. The gig was, it was the night Liverpool, do you remember when they won 4-0 against Barcelona after being 3-0 down from the first half? Oh, you missed that. And I walked off and I wanted them to win,

but it was a bittersweet moment. Also, Rob, and you'll know what this is like, it was one of those early previews that doesn't go very well and then your agent and your PR turn up in the dressing room having not told you that they're there. And then you think, this is the end of my career? They're going to drop me?

Yeah, you think that's the end of it. That's it. There you go, mate. That's enough from you. Get in a jungle or get dancing. Tombridge Wells is a tough gig as well because everyone goes there so they're used to some high quality like mcintyre and lee evans will go there for warm-ups so yeah tough place to go anyway um he was doing a warm-up show my wife marie and i had tickets but unfortunately marie got really ill that day

it's quite extra i'd have to know what's wrong with Marie. I don't want to pry, but really it all sounds quite interesting. I hope she's okay. So not well enough to attend. I mean, really it all implies something really bad's gone on or diarrhea. But not bad enough that you're not stood outside of Wagamamas. Marie got really ill that day and was not well enough to attend. I'm a massive Josh fan. And so we agreed that I'd rather return our tickets and get an alternative date than go on my own or with a friend at the last minute.

Okay? So he must have got his money back then. Do you get money back? I think half the audience did that night, Rob. They were more disappointed than Barcelona fans. To console myself, I headed to Wagamama's to get takeout dinner where I met Josh. In my excitement at spotting Josh,

I almost crashed into him. I explained my sorry tale, how I was his biggest fan. I'd argue, Josh, if he was your biggest fan, he would have gone to Tunbridge Wells and a rescheduled date. Yeah, well, there you go, because he'd enjoy the creative process.

Yeah, do you know what I mean? If Richard Pryor was in Tunbridge Wells and my wife was ill, I'd go and then go again. Yes. Some people do say you're the next Richard Pryor, Josh. Thank you very much, dude. In style, looks, the lot.

Anyway, so he's my biggest fan. Definitely wanted my first time seeing him live to be special occasion with Marie, fair enough. But told him we were going to re-book the tour proper in Leicester, close to the in-laws. Josh was, God, I tell you what, he's given away a lot of info. I could steal his identity, this geezer. Josh was so friendly and charming

throughout, even allowing a selfie. But that didn't stop me cycling home, reflecting on the fact that Josh didn't consider my tale of woe good enough to merit some complimentary tickets to see him in Leicester. What? I don't understand why he should get free tickets. So,

we had a lovely conversation, but I didn't pitch him that he should get some free tickets out of nowhere. So we had a lovely conversation, but I didn't pitch him that he should get some free tickets out of nowhere. He's had a photo with him. He's got his money back with the returns and he's rebooking for Leicester close to his in-laws. So he would be, I can't think, I don't think you can call that salty. For not giving you free tickets. Yeah. I mean, I think if I was at that stage, Leicester was a good few months away.

I'd have been really have to be worried about sales to be punting out free tickets in tunbridge wells particularly with how i thought the show was going at that point if he did go to leicester he had a much better evening than he did in yeah i think i think there should be a word for people that are too presumptuous for something that they call you salty. Yes. You can't call someone salty for not offering. He didn't even ask. No. If it's good at offering free tickets,

we need a new word for that. So I rule that as unsalty. Unsalty. Good, good. Here we go. Hi, Robert Josh. I recently, this is a salty Josh, this is. You sound really like you found this funny.

You're going to hate it. Before, I think you've all found him a bit of a laugh i think you're gonna take umbrage with this anyway hi robert josh i recently started listening to the podcast and my ears pricked up the other day at the mention of people's various salty sweet experiences don't start changing the name of it mate it's not salty or sweet it's salty or unsalty okay arguably that's a better name i'll judge it yeah it is much better but you know well we're not going to take notes off this guy who told me I'm already going to be annoyed at.

I don't think any of these are that bad because if someone had had an awful experience with me, I wouldn't then go and listen to their parenting podcast. Yeah, exactly. I'll add to this one. I've got one here from Josh. Yeah, about eight years ago when Josh was single, I met him.

He fucked me and never called me back. Okay, let's put that in the salty. So, if they really did like you, Josh, just tell yourself that. If I'd had a really bad experience with someone, like there's comedians who I actively dislike, and I'm

sure there's comedians you actively dislike, Rob. Oh yeah, I name them now? Do you want me to name them now? Or not? In case we need to book them. No, we know who they are. No. He would be a good bookie, wouldn't he? I don't know if he would. He might fucking have to.

He's got no live work. Bleep that out and it works perfectly. But I wouldn't actively go and listen to their podcast. Anyway, let's see what this guy's got to say. Right, yeah. You're being quite defensive. Anyway, late last year, my girlfriend got us tickets to the Last Leg recording, one of my favourite shows, and from Taskmaster, Josh,

one of my favourite comedians. We travelled down to London and decided to make a weekend of it. Okay, that's nice. Weekend in London. These tickets are free, we should add, as well, to be in the audience for Last Leg. Just to say, as are all TV shows, it's not that we struggle. No, all TV shows are free.

We felt very lucky on arrival as we were moved from the very back row to being sat just behind Adam. The comp pair came on and was fun, energetic and lively. Mark Oliver. Mark Oliver, excellent warm-up. Soon, Adam too appeared and did a longer-than-expected back-and-forth fluff of the audience. You're bloody telling me, mate.

I have to watch that every Friday. Yeah. Before long, it was time for the show to start. Alex and Josh arrived. Immediately, my girlfriend turned to me and whispered, wow, Josh looks really miserable, doesn't he? Liking Josh and giving him the benefit of the doubt quickly Kevin in my eyes is his thriller album I defended him to her he's probably had a long

day week it's pretty cold outside etc could this be when your boiler was broke hence your anger the law of average is something was wrong with my house well can you remember the show the guests were Joe Lycett and Daisy Mae Cooper. Yeah, I remember that. Well, yeah, I remember that show happening. Was you miserable that day? I might have been nervous. Yes. I'll defend you with this, Josh.

You are very focused before shows and can sometimes get a little bit nervous, but it's you concentrating on what you've got to do. It's a tough show as well, last night, because it's all live. Everything you say immediately goes out to the world. And you do talk about, not only are you being funny funny you've got to talk about stuff that can be quite political or you know quite quite delicate stuff those guests would have been two people that i would have been delighted to have on the show exactly that's not a yeah that's not considering how homophobic you are it's great that you welcome joe leisick of open arms

so the show that arrived, Joe Lycett and Dave's Mate Cooper, they were introduced, both came across as bubbly and enthusiastic and Joe in particular was full of beans. As the show got to the break, Adam and Joe turned to various members of the audience and got chatting.

They were amicable, friendly and engaging. Meanwhile, Josh whipped out his phone and stared at it throughout the break. Whilst Alex had an assistant of some sort bringing him a bottle of lager on a silver tray. This happened during the next break also. I love the way you've been told off for looking at your phone, where you could have been going through notes or checking Twitter or checking things you said or the news.

And Alex has got away scot-free, just some sort of minion. An assistant for him, a bottle of lager. A bottle of lager on a silver tray, like some sort of Randy Lord. Do you know what, as well, they've misseen that, because Alex has, and this is far worse. He has a glass of Prosecco in the break. Does he? Yeah.

They said it was noticeable Josh was on his phone for good portions of the show. You wouldn't be on your phone during the show. No, not during the show. The only person who's ever done that on the last leg was Will.i.am, who got his phone out at one point. Well, he was lucky he was facing the right way, to be fair. Well, I don't know about that.

I don't remember that being a particularly... When would that have been? Also, it says, late in the show, Josh offered to order a takeaway. But for everyone, I can't remember exactly why, for the last part of the taping, he sat eating. Did you eat? Oh, do you know why that was? Did it come up that Boris Johnson had said

he couldn't get Deliveroo into Downing Street? Oh, so you were trying to get it into the... So we were trying to get it into the... Or something like that, right? And we came up with this thing and it was like, we'll try and do it live. And it was this absolute faff where I couldn't live order it from my phone, so I had to pretend I couldn't live order it from my phone,

so I had to pretend I was going to order it from my phone, and it had to be the correct one that they ordered in the gallery offstage or whatever. Oh, so that's why you're on your phone. And I spent my whole time on my phone texting the people, the producers, about everything I had to do. Oh, okay. That explains your phone.

So it's all fallen into place. It sounds a bit like these guys weren't paying attention to the show being recorded. Am I right? Anyway, so that's why that explains it. At the very end, Josh and Alex seemed content

talking to each other whilst Adam and Joe and the Comber continued to interact with the audience. Adam was especially humble and gave sincere thanks to everyone for braving the weather.

So he went, fuck, where'd you do it? Fucking South Pole. They've got a coat on i've got the shoe how much oh well done for coming out i'm not paying for a ticket you fucking sponges is that cold stay in your fucking house there's plenty of people that could come is that the right approach to an audience is that we haven't got we haven't got audiences anymore anyway because clearly they're not willing to brave the COVID. If they won't come out in COVID in August, imagine COVID in December. Anyway.

I should have been more humble at the end. That was a huge error. I often... I've never known anyone to criticise someone for not being actively humble. Imagine if you were just in the... What do they want you to go over to this couple and go oh you know so i'm just yeah thanks guys i'm just a just a guy on a sofa trying his best trying to

bring like relief and a bit of you know some political barbs you know i'm just trying guys thanks is that is that what people want anyway as we left my girlfriend had a full-on rant about josh now miserable salty had been throughout the show by this time i'd quite like to hear from chris's partner about yeah um because i think he may be egging this up for it to be read out um he had been throughout the show by this point i had to agree especially compared to joe lysett he'd have come across really poorly josh it's like a formal complaint i'm not gonna lie to you joe lysett is an absolute delight oh also, also, as well, Joe Lycett does this once every couple of months and he's almost definitely shit-faced.

He also, he comes on, the guests come on after 25 minutes. He's got a bottle of beer. He's had half a bottle of wine and he's got to do 20 minutes' work. He's loving life. That's why he's putting all the effort in. No one's mentioned Alex

just sitting there getting shit-faced, being paltry. Smashing through bottles of Prosecco like it's a bottomless brunch. So, but no, Josh, this has really resonated. Now, whenever Josh is on TV, my girlfriend rolls her eyes and mutters, dick-er, and stuff like that. Amazing. Again, it's a real shame because we both really like Josh

and Taskmaster, and I've really enjoyed his other work. Perhaps he was having a bad night. Anyway, I thought it was a word of the addition to the salty unsalty i'd say that's the best addition to the salty unsalty cannon i mean it's a it's quite i think the only thing i can do is offer them two free tickets to my tour show in leicester this is chris also uh thanks love the show so he can't hate you that much he's put love the show uh ps saw robert v festival in in Chelmsford a few years ago and came across as a lovely chap. So definitely can confirm, not soul seat whatsoever.

Let's be very clear here, Rob. He only saw you on stage. The problem with The Last Leg is he was seeing the advert breaks. I'd say normally in the breaks of The Last Leg, I very rarely look at my phone I think it was it was a delivery it must have been that uh takeaway nightmare well I I can well I'm not gonna I'm not gonna apologize for taking my job seriously don't Josh and I'll stand by you on that yeah do not apologize for that um and also you know you can't your job is to do that tv show

not to turn around and be humble well i bet you that how was the last thing josh didn't say anything he wasn't funny he had no views but i tell you what boy can he be humble he ended by being so humble um oh it was so humble i mean it's a great it's a great salty email um thank you for that um genuinely also it's always good when you think about, because you're worried that you've met someone in the street or something and you've been salty. But when you've been salty just from afar by being on your phone, that's a huge achievement. Yeah. I mean, I've been salty before, but actively. I can tell this story. I mean, I imagine some of my demographic that like me

and have met me can't use email or would be under an absolute flood of salty tales. Once I was in Spain and I had two kids. They were one and three at that point, a couple of years ago. And the littlest one has fallen asleep in my arms, right? And then I picked up the other one to walk her back to the car. as i've done that i've picked them up and he's broke and he's been there all night and then he went oh can i have a picture i was like okay one second so it took like a couple of minutes i had to hand a sleeping kid to one the my other one to another

my daddy was there and then i stood up to picture and then he gave me the car and went no i mean one of me and my mate and i went went, go fuck yourself, you prick. And then picked the girls up and went home. And I tell you what, I stand by that saltiness. If anything, I weren't salty enough. I should have gone double salt. I should have gone salty caramel on him. I should have really eaten with it.

Sea salt. I'm proud of that. I'm not ashamed of it, Josh. I think you should be. I think you should be. If you have any tails sold to your other wife, please do keep them coming. This is how you can get in touch on all forums.

Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdownparents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff, P.O. Box 76748, London E99DW. Right, Rob. Yes.

It's been an absolute pleasure. I've enjoyed this. I feel like we've got a lot off our chest. Dead mice, watermelon toilets. Yeah. Snails again. And we've got a cracking episode for Tuesday, Josh.

I'm well excited. Who have we got? We've only gone and got Jen Brister. Yes, please. She's a hilarious comedian and author. Mother of twin boys. Ages of five. Ages of both five.

That's how twins work. Ten combined. She's really funny. Lovely lady. And it's a really, really interesting episode. Brilliant. So, yeah, enjoy. Thank you very much.

We'll see you then. Bye. Bye.