Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP31: Jen Brister

Episode Date: August 11, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP31: Jen BristerJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the brilliant comedian and writer, Jen Brister. Jen has five year old twin boys with her partner, Chloe, and is the author of the brilliant book 'The Other Mother'. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx Find out more about the great range of school uniform available from F&F at Tesco here: https://bit.ly/BackToSchoolPC Available in selected larger stores. Subject to availability. Excludes Next.If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So let's be clear. When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay. But what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx. Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh. But let's say that... FedEx.

What? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx. What? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx, where now meets next. Navigating adulting isn't always easy. You're not just working, you're working late. And dinner dates are all, what's your five-year plan?

And you're thinking, paying off the bill for this fancy pants meal, probably. So when you need to break free from responsibility and experience something that feels more you, reach for Kraft Dinner. Because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love, that's when it's gotta be KD. When you gotta do you, it's gotta be KD.

Shop now. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills...

Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Rob, Ben, Beckett. Josh, Whittakin. Rob, Spickin.

Josh. Josh. Whittakin. Pickian. Rob. Rob. Beckett. Pickett. Rob Beckett. We got there. That house sounded stressful. I just threw the audio.

There was another kid there. Sorry it was getting hit, but we got there. That commitment from the parent, I would have given up, but it was worth it. Excellent work from Sanai. So she's attached a lovely picture of the child who she says is a devil who gets so upset, sometimes especially at the beginning of lockdown, she literally starts speaking fire everywhere.

I thought that was an excellent attempt. I admired the lack of kind of quitting on it when it was clearly going badly. Exactly, just keep ploughing on. That's the message of that one. Other people would have just trimmed that voice memo to the bit that worked, but it was nice to see the creative process.

Exactly, but that's not the kind of people this podcast is for. Those little fakes and phonies that put their awful, you know, like Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes out. Oh, just did this for the kids this morning. is for those little fakes and phonies that put their awful you know like mickey mouse shaped pancakes out oh just did this for the kids this morning you don't put the picture of them not eating it at all and just licking honey off a spoon um i've basically just repeated my morning um how are you rob yeah good not too bad actually i'm very excited for today we're doing this

saturday morning because we normally do this on a monday I've got a work Monday I'm filming on Monday so we're doing it Saturday morning but very excited because our kids are going to meet for the first time yeah nerve-wracking time we're doing we're doing what's known in the trade as a play date which I don't think existed when we were kids did it no no I think growing up it was just like for me it was just different family members turned up and my mum and dad and friend just sat in the front room and we were just allowed to roam. It wasn't really a play date. It was just that we existed in the house with them. Have you done any, I've not done yet, any ones where it's the children that are friends.

And so the adults are the strangers that come together. See, that is something I fully avoided throughout preschool. I just said to Lou, you deal with that because I'm not getting involved because I don't want to tell 15 people what Jimmy Carr's like. So you deal with that, but they're going to school. And I said, when they start from school, it's completely 50-50 with birthdays and things like that. So I swerved it, but from the ages of five,

you've got to be involved in in that kind of thing so I've not had that yet the issue is I've done has Lou done it she's done it she's done all those parties and they were fine but I normally always work you know I normally work weekends but yeah the issue here is Josh I'm you know I've I've done a lot of play dates in my time I'm sure you have as well but I want to be second kid now there's a there's a lot at play here the issues are one our children don't get on. That could be a problem. They just don't like each other and fight.

The other issue could be my kid or your kid could be quite badly behaved and neither of us pick up on it properly. And then the other parent get annoyed and then you slag me off on the way home through the Blackwall Tunnel. That's another option. Or on a different podcast. Yeah, exactly. So it's actually quite precarious.

But I think we're honest enough to talk about it rather than just because we can't avoid another play date. Because the thing is, Rob, whatever happens, it's content. That's the way we've got to view it. Yeah. If anything, today's tax deductible. That's the main way I'm viewing it. Yeah, I bought some pizzas. I could claim that back. You could claim that back, mate. So how are you feeling? How is your daughter with new people?

So she's excellent at nursery. She's full of confidence at nursery, but she's absolutely terrible with strangers. Yes. So I think she's going to just stick to Rose. Sit on your lap for an hour. Yeah. That's classic.

Sit on your lap for an hour, and you're just thinking like, you're all going like, yeah, but she's normally fun. Don't worry. She's fine normally. She's a great laugh. She's really good fun. And then just sit on your lap for an hour and you're just thinking like you're all going up yeah but she's normally fun don't worry she's fine normally she's a great laugh she's really good fun and then just sitting like when you're in your head you're going get off my lap and do something you look just pathetic come on we had this the first kiddie kicks back so obviously kiddie kicks like the premier league had a covid related break but now um project restart has meant the kiddie kicks is back it's back but

your kiddie kicks in east london is it like hipster kiddie kicks or is it east london kiddie kicks what vibe is it bit of both um it's a bit of both a couple of paoli kits a couple of hamburg kits and then like full chelsea with there is a full chelsea kit there's always a full chelsea kit and an over eager dad with a with a Chelsea badge tattooed on his calf at every kiddie kit and he ruins it for everyone. Get stuck in Siena! Do her, Siena!

Do her! Come on! Last week, there was two parents just kicking a ball to each other. And I was like, where's their kid?

And then I looked and their kid was hid behind a tree about 50 yards away. Yeah. So you've got kiddie kicks and then you're coming round. Well, no. I think we're going you've got kiddie kicks and then you're coming round well no i i think we're gonna forgo kiddie kicks today because um we don't want to put too

big pressure so the first kiddie kicks back yeah she basically she didn't want to do it for 35 minutes and then she kind of you know the bit at the end where well i don't know if they did this when you went but there's like everyone will line up and then they'll dribble the ball and then they'll score a goal. Yeah. And you basically, she was so reluctant, we had to kind of swing her

like a kind of croquet mallet to score the... Oh, yeah. With her predators on. Yeah. So, she didn't enjoy the first kiddie kicks back.

Yeah. So, I'd say, she's not great with the unfamiliar. Yeah, I don't want to double her up also you've got to drive south of the river in your new car i'm sure that is oh well is that stressing you out well i tell you what happened last time so we drove on my oh we went to the

dentist actually and that was fine but then she watched um the ipad or whatever it's good but anyway she watched that the whole way home and then she threw up when she got out the car oh travel sick first time the best travel sick i've ever had because i've got a sliding scale was um when the eldest wasn't very well didn't eat anything all day but we gave her some haribo like she wanted it and it was like a bit of sugar to perk her up and then she had a bottle of water so on the way home she was sick and it was just sugar water my car smelled incredible it It was Harry Bay. And water. I was like, this is unbelievable.

I was like, she's quite enjoyable. I don't even feel like I need to clear it out. I think she's done us a favour. It smells great. Well, it wasn't like that. So she threw up a combination of Pret mac and cheese and watermelon. What?

You are breeding a hipster already. What, Pret? Media elite. That's what it is. Give me a kiss on it, Pratt. Oh, sorry. What should I have done? Taken her to Greg's?

I don't know. Also, you sent a message. I've not seen this done before, Josh, where you said, can you send a message of the girl saying hello to my daughter so she knows who she's going around to see? It's quite a good idea, but I've never thought of it before. Well, she likes videos of other children yeah so she likes watching that and i just thought it would kind of plant the seed as to who she was going to see i felt

it was a bit like online dating what about kids yeah she's chosen one of the two that she likes um sorry um that she actually wants to be friends with the youngest. So you go over there and play with your toys. But it worked, though, because they were excited to see it. They're saying, oh, when's our friend coming? Yeah, it was a great old message. They're full on, aren't they, Josh? Did you get that from the message? Yeah, do you know what?

If anything, I thought the video actually set her back in terms of confidence already. Well, the problem with mine is, one one they're genetically related to me which is the volume and the annoying uh vibe but also we've had builders in our house for like since the so like about four years on and off we've had builders and someone because it's when you get loads like a house done they're always coming back for snagging and stuff and then we've had we've basically had builders in and out of our house the last four years so they they've got the confidence of like an apprentice on a building site it's got all the people coming out hello you're all right and they're like hello mate

how's it going they're like doing things you know like cutting bags of cement over their head getting them to kick stuff that's already cemented in the ground all that kind of stuff so they're very confident in their own house they go a a bit shy. If we come to your house, they'd be a bit shy and a bit grabbing our leg. But in our own house, they're just so used to people coming and going. But the eldest wasn't like that. It was only once you got,

them both got a bit older and they're together. Do you think having two together has doubled their confidence in numbers? It's not the phrase, but you know. Yeah, I think so. And I think the youngest sort of follows the eldest one's lead. That's what mine are like anyway.

But the youngest is actually pretty confident, where sometimes they sort of follow the eldest around, but our one holds her own. So I think she could be the worst one. On Friday, we'll obviously, we'll update on how it went. Anyone who's got any stories of playdates gone wrong. Oh, please. Please.

That's what we're looking for. This is how you'd get in touch about that. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdownparents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff, P.O. Box 76748, London E99DW. Also, Josh, people are going mad for the old Instagram.

Nearly 4,000 followers. Bloody hell. And up there for you guys is the picture of Josh's boiler. Oh, there we go. Also the pictures. I couldn't remember what they were called. You know, the tiger. I should update you that the boiler's fixed.

Oh, the boiler's fixed. You've got hot water. Yeah, and I should update you that the mouse man came and we haven't got an infestation of mice it was just it was one mouse that had got in through the pipe and they like to die in a hot area so he died on top of the um oh so he was old age he just went out yeah he basically took himself off to a to your own personal crematorium. Exactly. Actually, it's quite a heartwarming story. Oh, poor little fella. He just went there and died in heat.

It's lovely in a way, isn't it? What did you do then, Ash? Did you bury him? I'm not going to lie. My wife dealt with the situation. I couldn't deal with it. Fed it to the snails. Anyway, yeah, so go to Instagram. Go to the Instagram.

It's flying up up before we know it gosh it'll be an influencer oh i tell you what my ultimate dream is we do a johnson's some sort of johnson's advert on instagram like one of them taoi people me and you in a bath together it leaves our skin soft doesn't it josh do you know what if the money was right i wouldn't say no do you know what I'd rather do that because I think we could make that really... Me and you in a bath. If Johnsons are listening, how much? We've got 4,000 followers.

We're pretty big deals. Joe Rogan's got 10 million. But let's not get bogged down by numbers. No, maybe we need to bloody well smoke weed with Bernie Sanders or whatever he does for a living. I might smoke weed with Post Malone and chat about masks and see if that helps with listeners. Anyway, we should crack on with

our guest sister, shouldn't we? She's absolutely brilliant. One of my favourite comedians. Also, she has written a book about the experience of parenting. So, you know, she knows far more about it than us, although it does sound like the book just details a lot of disasters, which is what we're looking for. This is the amazing Jen Brister hello jen brister how are you oh hi i'm okay how are you you sound like you sound like a robot jen i know i feel a bit i feel a bit like a robot i i feel like my entire lockdown has been struggling to homeschool my children and doing podcasts that's's what I've been doing. I don't have a job anymore, so this is now what I do. But now you can combine the two into one podcast about homeschooling your children.

It's all come together. I know, the serendipity of it all. Jen, can you explain to us and the listeners your set-up at home with your kids and stuff? Yes, I can. I am sharing my home with my ever patient girlfriend and our two five-year-old twin boys. And it's fun times all around.

Oh, five-year-old twin. Sorry, because it's actually your life, but I shuddered. Sorry. Straight in with the empathy there. I love it.

I did a live version. You know, when you read an interview, so I go, oh, no fucking hell. Five, five-year hell five five years old three dishes having a shocker that that but sorry for saying that out loud no it's all right I'm living it I know it I feel it um and how's it been then so have you been in homeschooling with five-year-olds oh god yeah oh my god yeah I have and I am shit at it I am so shit at it. It's just that

they don't respect you, your kids. I mean, not your kids, my kids. They don't seem to respect parents when they're homeschooling. I've spoken to a few parents and they're like, oh, fuck it. I gave up after two days. Just trying to teach them stuff because we've got to teach them how to read. Everyone's going, oh, five. You don't have to do anything, mate. Just wait until they're 10. They can't turn up at 10 and go, sorry, mate, still can't read because my parents didn't bother homeschooling me when I was five. So you've got to teach them things like phonics, jolly, I mean, the jolly bit fucked off a while ago, I'll tell you.

It's just a horror show. And they don't, like, honestly, if I'm trying to tell them to do anything, they're like, I don't want to do that. And anyway, you smell of poo. Oh, they love you smell of poo. They love saying that. Do you think the fact you smell of poo is a problem though jen maybe that's why you're struggling to home school if you didn't smell of poo to be fair i've seen your stand-up

jen and there is a routine about you actually smelling of poo so i think they may be accurate in that in that well and whose poo is it it's not my poo i'm not like just slinging my poo around the house it's their bloody. They are so obsessed with their bumholes at the moment. I made the mistake of saying bumhole to them and close like, we don't say bumhole. We just say bottom and I went, it was too late. So bumhole's out.

Bumhole's a great word though, isn't it? You forget how funny bumhole is. Could you use that to teach them all the different sounds? And you could say, it'd be a great chance to teach them about the letter sounds and you could say and then it'd be a great chance to teach them about the letter o wouldn't it you go oh yeah because my my daughter's starting school in september and i'm already i don't understand this phonics thing where you learn the alphabet i like abcd but you for anyone who didn't know what it was, that's the English one. I'm working on the Greek.

But you learn all those sounds for A, B, C, but it's actually ab-a-ca. Is that right? Well, yeah, but it's also more complicated than that. So you're learning sounds when you, like, say you've got I-G-H together, then they have to learn that that sound is I. Or if there's an O and a W together, that that can be ow. So, you know, they've got to learn it like that. Or if there's an E at the end, like actually bumhole is a very good example.

Now, we've got... Let's explore the bumhole, Carl. Let's explore bumhole because there's a magic E at the end of hole. So the O, instead of being an O, becomes an O. So it's not hole, it's... What is it, kids? Hole! That's right, it's bumhole. So it's not hole, it's, what is it, kids? Hole. That's right.

It's bum hole. So we're all learning something. We had Magic E when I was growing up. Did you used to watch the look and read BBC TV shows at school? So it'd be like Badger Girl or Geordie Racer or something. No, I'm like 10 years older than you. Badger Girl sounds like a TikTok star. She just documents the badgers in her garden,

which is not a euphemism. Well, I struggled with reading, spoiler alert, as a kid, to go to learning support. And we used to read the Biff, Chip and Kipper books. My kids are reading those. Yeah. All I remember was they went, okay, you're going to go for private one-on-one readings.

You know, I'm dyslexic, so I struggled with the reading. And the book was just bigger. It wasn't an easier book or specialised. It was just the same book with one person just pointing at the word. That's what auditions are needed. Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels. The perfect flaky and flavourful snack

for those on the go. Like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelised onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's. At participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time.

This episode is brought to you by Tresemme. Want silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution. This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with a tresemme keratin smooth weightless collection visit tresemme.com to learn more are they taking it in with the

homeschooling or not or not at all oh well we we did we did sort of persist with it i think um just a lot of people like i wouldn't bother but i just had to create some sort of persist with it. I think just a lot of people didn't bother, but I just had to create some sort of shape for the day. Do you know what I mean? Just waking up every day and going, right, it's just going to be a day of chaos. And I needed to go, right, we wake up in the morning, we have breakfast, and then we do at least a couple of hours.

So we have kept going with it, but it's been fucking torture. It's like blood for the soul. Especially because we weren't working as stand-ups. It's like you couldn't even blame working from home on it. You couldn't be like, oh, we can't do it because I've got that deadline. It's like I've got nothing. I mean, for the first couple of months, like literally nothing. I mean, a few bits and bobs started to come in and then I was like,

legitimately I've got to go and have some time in the toilet by myself. You know, just – I mean, that literally for the first two months, I said to Chloe, the only time I have on my own is when I'm having a poo. And we should get locks on the doors because they're still coming in. Oh, God, that is awful. And what does your partner do, Jen? Is she working full time? Well, she started working pretty much full time after a couple. I think after about two months, she started, work started to come, she's got her own business. So then I had to. I put a bit after the baby's in.

No, two months after lockdown. Two months after lockdown. It was actually. I'm fine, let me out of here. She did. Well,

she works from home anyway, so it was all fine. But, so I have, I have had the children a lot, if you see what I mean. I've had them alone. And are they back at school now,

Jo? Well, this is the thing. They, they are reception. So reception, and at school now, Jo? Well, this is the thing. They are reception. So reception was at year one and year six were the classes that were supposed to go back, but their school just didn't open. Oh.

They went back. They went back for two and a half hours. Two and a half hours? The week before the summer holidays. And if anything, that was an inconvenience. So I was really hacked off about that. So they're not going to have been to school from sort of the middle of March to when they go back in september it's

going to be weird for them do you know what parents will have this for like my brother was the youngest in his year and my mum just said that forever even now if he like comes in drunk well he's the youngest in his year but i think parents are gonna have that thing going well they did miss those four months so if they do anything wrong. What do you expect? They are the children of COVID. Another burglary and a triple murder. But he did have four months of school. So it's hard to come back from that.

Even though they're, obviously they're twins, Jan, but are they, how different are they as people in their reaction to it? Do you teach them together or are they kind of? Oh, they're completely different in every, they don't look at, because they're fraternal twins because it was IVf so well obviously it wasn't a natural conception um and if it was from a same-sex um couple jen that would be the first question i'd ask to be honest when it did happen a lot of friction rob just a lot of friction um first things first how does that happen um let's keep rubbing until we start a fire.

So what's the difference? Because I'm a bit ignorant to this. So what's the difference from an IVF twins as opposed to sort of natural twins, as it were? Sorry if that's the wrong terminology. Well, no, it's completely the right terminology. If you're having a sort of natural conception and you're having sex and that's how you conceive, having a sort of natural conception and you're having sex uh and you that's how you conceive uh if you're doing it uh with ivf what you do is you have you spend thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of pounds and cross your fingers that something fucking happens um

but it's you go it's a clinic and then you're you we we bought we bought sperm from the internet but you don't actually you don't physically do that, right? You don't, it doesn't arrive. You must get Amazon Prime. You know, you've got to keep it fresh. Do you know what? It's not that different, actually. Really?

No, no. I know you're going, I'll come in. What do you do? Log on and then just buy some sperm. Yeah. Really? Really? How much?

How much is it? Oh, litres of it. No, it isn't litres. It's been a long lockdown. Listen, we needed as much as we could get. No, there are lots of different sperm banks, and it depends on which sperm bank you go to, but basically they have an online, I suppose,

I want to say magazine, that's not brochure, something, and you can pick. Do they have like star ratings? Trust pilot. They kind of do. I mean, in as much as you can see how popular that sperm is. I mean, I'd get one off Checker Trade. So I've got somebody's Andy in the house.

I've got enough sort of gobby talking people in our family. We need somebody's got the skills. Yeah, but you'd get mixed messages. I've got three off this stoner. The first one was an absolute dream, but the last two, if I'm honest, are a pair of pricks. So it's 50-50. So what did you know about your sperm? So what you don't get,

you have no idea what your donor looks like. So what you will get is information. And again, this really depends on the sperm bank, how much information they give you. So we went to the European sperm bank specifically because you get the most information about the donor so right yeah and you get sort of information about their parents sort of uh health you know if there's any i don't know like dementia or cancer or anything like that in the family so i think you go back like the parents and then the grandparents

and then you can what they look like what they do for a living interests all that sort of stuff and then you get a photograph of them as a baby so you can kind of get an idea so i mean we were a bit cruel because there was a couple of babies that were completely boss-eyed and we were like oh come on swerve that if you're paying for it you're allowed to choose as far as i'm concerned i mean the irony is one of ours is boss-eyed now so that was calmer there we go um I mean like you can spend weeks and months deciding and then in the end it's kind of I don't know if other people agree with me but it's kind of moot really because what you want is a baby whatever you end up with you're not going to be like oh I wish we'd gone for you know Jeff he was of course yeah love yeah nicer eyes you not going to be like, oh, I wish we'd gone for, you know, Jeff. Of course, yeah. He'd love, he'd be in nicer eyes. You're going to be like, oh, this is my baby.

So, yeah, I can't even, I can't even tell you how we chose our sperm donor. I think we just went, oh, fuck it, him. You know, I think it was like that. And is it sort of, is it just some, with IVF, you sometimes, it's more chance of twins. It's not like an option you pick, like twins running in the family. Again, it is an option we picked because you can choose i don't know if you can still do this i'm not sure but you can put two high levels by level by we'll get one free to help out

so that's that's an option is it yeah well it depends how many you get right so you you get you get to how it depends how many embryos you get so you once you go through the process of IVF right and then you end up with however many embryos you do and then we went through one round of IVF and it was no we'd been through two rounds of IVF and it'd been unsuccessful, we'd been through two rounds of IVF and it'd been unsuccessful. And we were like, oh, fuck this. This is costing a fortune. So the third round,

Chloe's like, I'm going to stick two embryos in. And I was like, oh, I feel. Double dropping. It's like being at a festival. I'm not feeling it.

I'm not feeling it. Come on, splurge on in a minute. I'm doing two. And if you, and if you just waited an hour, that one would have been fine. We've got two now. And I'd be i like gurning your tits i've got

oh i wish i just stuck to one so yeah that's basically what happened yeah oh wow but it's nice so they've got like because also you know it's a costly process and if you wanted them your kids to have siblings and stuff which we would have done it again we would because we did want to so we would have gone it again because we did want to. So we would have gone through the whole, well, I say we. I mean, I don't know why I keep saying we. I was like completely not involved. But Chloe would have gone through it again.

So how did you decide to, sorry, is this too much prying? No, no, no. I mean, I've written a book about it, so don't worry. Oh, what's the book called? It's called The Other Mother. The Other Mother. So I talk about all of this in the book, yeah. Fair enough. We'll go into it too after people buy the book called? It's called The Other Mother. The Other Mother. So I talk about all of this in the book, yeah. Fair enough.

We'll go into it too after people buy the book. Who decided who was going to carry? Did you have a conversation? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we definitely had a conversation about it. And I really was not. Yeah, they didn't drift into it, Rob. It was both blindfolded.

Whoever gets the embryo gets the embryo. No, we talked about it. And I was not indifferent, but I really wasn't bothered. And Chloe made it clear that it was really important to her to get pregnant and to know what that was like and everything. So I was like, well, then that's a decision. We've done it and we don't have to overthink it.

Was there any points in the pregnancy where she thought, I've really misjudged this? Oh, what, probably during the second trimester when she kept fainting. Yeah. Oh, God. Because the, I think because having two, there was a lot of pressure on, whatever position they were in was really putting pressure on her lungs. So it was making it harder for her to sort of catch her breath.

So there were, for like literally three months within the pregnancy, she was just fainting. So at that point she was probably like, oh, this was a terrible mistake. But generally she, that's how she talks. She did, she did. I think she really genuinely thinks she enjoyed the pregnancy aside from that. And I know a lot of women have a really awful time

during pregnancy, but I think Chloe quite enjoyed it. But it was like any pregnancy, I think that that last week or that last two weeks, she was like, get them out now. Yeah. Get them out. It's like being on a holiday, isn't it? You don't want to go home, but once you're at the airport, you're like, I just want to be indoors now.

I've had a good time. I want to get in. Yeah. It's exactly like that. I was wanting to ask you, because my daughter's starting school in September. And you see a lot of people sort of like, oh, my God, it's far too young for them to go. They know they're still babies. But I don't know how you felt.

Was you happy for them to go at five or did you think it was too young? No, but our two are I guess sort of the oldest in their year so they were born in September yeah so like an extra six months makes all the difference at that age and so some of the kids that were maybe born in like March April May you could see that they had a little bit more anxiety you know leaving you know their mum or their dad at the at the school I was gonna say the church gates Jesus Christ that's my catholic school upbringing just came up to the fore though I love you really but bye bye bye mommy deserves a life I'm only sending you here so you realize how much I love you so I didn't feel like that and our two were definitely ready they were and

they were bored at nursery they kept coming home home going, oh, nursery's really boring. So they were ready for school. That's not to say that they didn't have a little bit of, you know, anxiety and a little bit of, you know, one of them definitely found it a bit trickier when we leave them. But generally they were fine. And I think even the ones that when you leave them, and it is heartbreaking, even when it's not your kid,

you see a little kid just going, mummy, please don't leave me. It's like, oh, my God, you poor thing thing you see mums like crying as they leave the school do you know that like about 10 minutes later the kid is like yeah it's for the parents his own issue than the kids it's actually really hard as a parent to leave your kid because you do feel a bit of a wrench even though there's another bit of you that's like thank fuck for that and also that school time where you think that it's like nine till three or whatever it is. Jesus Christ, that is no time to get anything done.

No, it doesn't feel long enough, does it? It's not long enough, especially if you're at nursery, you're used to picking them up at like five or six or something. Their preschool that ours go to is only nine till three. So we've never had the full day one. And I think going from a six pick up to three, that it must be brutal. Oh mate.

It just feels like a half day. On Friday, I dropped my daughter. She was the first there at 8.31. To the point where when I was walking up, I was like, oh no, is it like not open or something today? It was like a ghost town I've done that Josh when we me and the kids were sitting outside the nursery waiting for it to open because I was like yeah just go get out what's it to do I can't be in the house with them anymore

yeah it's like when though you know like when the new iPhones launched I felt like that person outside the Apple shop with my kids. Camping out overnight. But yeah, I'm dreading that kind of drug. Because I was talking to my friend and she was like, I was like, oh, I bet it's when they're at school and stuff. And she's like, no, because at nursery it's full long days and there's no holidays. Yeah. You're staring.

I mean, obviously you've been staring down the barrel since mid-march but summer holidays that's six weeks that's just unacceptable unacceptable exactly and so then you start doing stuff where you go well we've got to stick them in something else now yeah we've got to stick them in something what we can we do stick them in a play scheme or stick them in a um gym gym crash gym join a gym with a crash gym crash i'll just say it quickly so no one else finds out so don't get booked up but get a gym crash they love it a couple of hours in there don't even go to the gym just have a coffee gym crash yeah the local gym has got a crash are they free in grand scheme of things it's worth it if you're if someone takes two children away for two hours. I was going to say, I don't even know why I'm asking. Ofsted-inspected level of taken away as well.

Are they being looked after by, like, kind of beefcake people that also, like, work in the gym? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, they have to do a spin class, but they seem to like it. Absolutely jacks at the end of summer holidays. Like they've been to prison, all ripped. They've been ripped in a gym crash.

Do you find they gang up on you, Jen? Because I've got a four-year-old and a two-year-old, and they gang up on us. And, like, you know, sort of when they're overexcited, they just sort of bully us with energy when we're knackered. So how do you find that with two of them of the same age? Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness.

Like every day, yeah. I'm not the most patient of human beings. That's not something that I ever thought I possessed but I feel like parenthood has really brought that out in me so I in a way there's a bit of me that really obviously I would have said this pre-lockdown I mean that's been four months of it so I'm over it but that their energy I've really enjoyed you know that kind of um they're constantly excited about everything and everything is fun and everything is great and everything is new and i've really enjoyed that i mean now i'm like come

on what you've never seen a fucking button before come on it's it's just it looks like a marble it's a button okay can we just move on um but i've been really enjoyed that so josh you've got a daughter haven't you i've got one yeah yeah rob you've got a daughter and two daughters, you've got a daughter, haven't you? I've got one daughter, yeah, yeah. Rob, you've got a daughter. Two daughters, yeah. You've got two daughters. So I don't, obviously, I don't know what daughters are like, but boys are like, you have to kind of run them like dogs. So you've got to take them out and just run them.

Just go, run, just go and run. Yeah, right, yeah. Because if you don't do that, then like bedtime is hell on earth and they just get really fractious and then they start fighting and so all all we do is find different ways to take them out somewhere where they can where they can just run around. It's like having a sheepdog. Yeah exactly. Intelligent but you've got to tire them out. You can't tire them out exactly um but I've sort of enjoyed it but they do of course and they they're starting to and then boys are a little bit no offense slower than girls so they're starting to figure out what they need to do to get what they want.

Ah, okay. No, I am. Actually, Jen, I am offended by that. So if you'd like to take that back. I'm absolutely not going to retract that. I'm wedded to that opinion. Do you know how difficult it is for us men, Jen? I can only imagine, Josh.

I can only imagine i can only imagine um what was it like having because i i just can't comprehend having been through the first year of having a baby what it'd be like to have two there it was hell was it yeah actual hell like what did you how does it work i don't understand the logistics of how it's even possible with like sleeping and bedtime because what are they both in your bedroom and then one's crying it's waking up the other and then i just it just seems so unfair jay well i'm gonna i'm gonna say josh that's how i felt um i did a lot of a lot of weeping and say why um to be to be fair, I don't think they used to wake each other up because babies have this very deep sleep cycle, don't they?

And they seem to figure out that they're like, what I'll do is I'll go into a deep sleep, right? And then if you wake up and then when you go down, I'll wake up and then that way we might kill her. You know, that's what it felt like. So what would happen is, and they didn't really both sleep through the night until they were nearly three. But that first year, I don't remember that year at all. Like I would say 2014 to 2016, 17, I don't remember because I just didn't sleep for three years.

You must have woken up in 2017 and gone gone what the fuck has happened politically to the world what what's going on um genuinely I did feel like everything like people like oh did you watch that movie I was like nope did you see that tv show I was like nope I mean like literally all I wanted to do was sleep if there was an option of doing anything, I'd be like, do you know what, I'll swerve that and I'll just have a kip. That's all I wanted. And if you can imagine, I suppose you can imagine because of course you've got little ones,

but every night we would like just, there'd be that point where one of them would wake up and you'd get up and you'd get them down. You'd just get them down to sleep. You'd be like, oh, thank fuck for that. And then you'd just crawl into bed and I could go to sleep immediately. And you'd just be slipping into the deepest, sweetest, darkest,

loveliest, like, oh, just almost sexual sleep. It's just being swallowed up. And then you just hear, ah. And then you'd have to crawl out of it. And it's like, oh, this is hell. For years. Oh. But I do remember pretty much any time that chloe and i went let's just do

something let's not let our children limit us let's do something that we normally do like going out for a meal or uh we stupidly went on holiday to a cottage in dorset which was not a fucking holiday um anything that we decided to do that was like, let's go out to Pizza Express. And we see people with children. It was always like absolute fucking hell. It was hell. The children never, we'd buy them food.

They wouldn't eat it. They were chucking crayons. They'd crawl on the floor. They'd eat the table leg. They'd lick, they'd lick, they'd find food on the floor and lick it off the floor, but they wouldn't eat what was on their plate they were they we'd give them a baby chino that would end up all over them and then the whole time like you're not eating anything you've not eaten your

and then at the end someone comes along and says that's 42 pounds you're like go fuck yourself day of my life you know and so all of those experiences were like we will that kind of feeling where you go all of those things that we used to enjoy like weekends away or meals out they've gone are they have they gone forever you know I mean they haven't but at that point we were like oh we've this is we have made a terrible mistake you know this is our lives are shit but obviously it doesn't stay like that but when you're in it and also the whole time and I don't know if you've experienced this where people like your mates whose children are older or even your parents say things like enjoy this bit because

this bit goes make the most of it when they're this age and you're like it doesn't fly by when your day is 22 hours long all right it just drags i remember people you know when you like you have a really young baby there's all these kind of all you need to do is get to six weeks and stuff like that oh and even that i'd be like six weeks are you fucking that is so far away i think i could do this for 12 hours weeks I know and they say to you like so they'll sleep a bit longer at six weeks

six by six months they'll be sleeping through the night by a year you'll get your life back to normal we got to like six months and we're like

these bricks are still not sleeping for two hours just my advice is it's really really shit and if you get anything that you enjoy out of it good luck that's great

cling on to that but there's people that go like oh could you kill baby Hitler in the day really really shit and if you get anything that you enjoy out of it good luck that's great hank's clinging on to that but there's people that go like oh could you kill baby hitler in the day probably not middle of the night yes without hesitation there was one point where like again claire and i are quite good so like when one of us is about to lose it the other one would always pick it up but i do remember one point where like, again, Chloe and I are quite good. So like when one of us is about to lose it, the other one would always pick it up. But I do remember one time when like one of them bit her nipple and I was like,

I'll take over. Yeah. future you a favor. Open a Questrade first home savings account and help that future come faster. The FHSA is a tax-free account where all your investment gains are yours to keep and put towards your first home. With Questrade, you can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started,

the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at questrade.com. More time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at questrade.com. A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives. The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you taking you to greater heights add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure michigan keep it fresh at michigan.org so when you wrote the book jen when you were experiencing it at what point did

you just think think you're gonna write a book about it at no point Chloe was the one she was like um because we would obviously talk about it and then I would say stuff and then it would make her laugh and she'd go you need to write this stuff down and and I was like I'm not gonna I said I can't write anything I'm so tired so she wanted me to keep a diary which I would I've just I'm not one of those people that keep, I can't see that, don't see the point of it. And also I never want anyone to know what, I don't even want to know what I thought six months ago,

because it's usually grim. Also, most of my days are shit. Yeah. I don't remember it. I don't have to read it again. I didn't enjoy the day when I was there. I don't want to read it back. Exactly.

I started to write like these little articles for Sarah Millican's website, standard issue. That's where the book sort of came from. So I'd start writing them and I'd only do like one a month. And then obviously the whole parenthood stuff that just became my entire set. You know, when you're sometimes with material, you really feel like you're writing it.

And other times you just feel like you turn up on stage and you just say it. And that's what all of this stuff was. I was just turning up on stage. And because I was so tired, I didn't. Rob's never felt like he's writing it. I was going to say, Rob, I don't think. I can't imagine you sitting there with your pen and notepad going, hmm, and the next joke. Yeah, I tried that once.

It was the worst stand-up I've ever done. It was awful. I just go and speak and hope for the best. That's my way. Or you stiffen it. Well, it works perfectly. Why change it? I do remember that, Jen.

I did give you the best advice I ever gave anyone was your route home to Brighton from South East London. Oh, I mean, that changed my life. I'm not joking, actually. I don't know what I'd been doing going straight through London from Brighton from South East London. Oh, I mean, that changed my life. I'm not joking, actually. I don't know what I'd been doing going straight through London from Brighton. And you were like, the look of incredulity on your face. You're like, what the fuck are you doing that?

What do you want to do? Get on the M25. Go all the way down. Join it at the A2. Get onto the whatever it is. M23, yeah. And it saved, what was it, 45 minutes of your journey? Honestly, I think I texted you when I went home, didn't I?

I went, mate, I've got home 45 minutes earlier than usual. This is a whole new world for me. It's a bit London-centric, though, but Josh, Jen was driving, right, going from Brighton all the way through Croydon into almost central London and then just doing a right. What? To get to south-east London? Yeah, rather than A2, M25, straight round.

And I told Jen, you know when you see an open goal, it's unbelievable. I just thought, man, M25, straight round. And I told you, you know when you see an open goal, it's unbelievable. I've just got bangs, he's going straight. I'm going to just deliver one of the greatest travel directions of all time. The only time my dad would have been proud of me. It was literally the most classic green room conversation you've ever heard. Have you not got a sat-nav? Yeah, that's where my sat-nav was going, that this was the quickest route. Had you marked in your sat-nav like points of interest, where my sat-nav was going. This was the quickest route. Had you marked in your sat-nav, like, points of interest

so you wouldn't see Big Ben and Buckingham Palace on the way? No, Rob's exaggerating. I did not go through central London and then back down again. But I was going through... Edgeware Road. ...Pemblewell, New Cross. Yeah, took in the eye and then all the way back round again. But now I realise she was doing that

so you could leave the house earlier to get away from twin boys. It was taking me two hours when it only needed to take me an hour and 15 minutes. Anyway, we've learned a lot and it's all good. Sorry about that. That just basically brought that up to pick myself up. Totally nothing to do with parenting. Do you know what? It's great content.

Imagine if you're listening to this now and you're going through Canberra on the way to Greenwich, you'd be like, oh, my God. Not only have I listened to a 45-minute podcast, I've saved myselfberra on the way to Greenwich, you'll be like, oh, my God. Not only have I listened to 45-minute podcasts, I've saved myself 45 minutes on the journey home. I'm doing myself out of work. This is why I don't have a diary, because it would be this kind of content, all right?

So when you came to write the book, are you racking your brains for kind of memories of what it was all like, or can you just go back there? The main stuff, yeah, I remembered a you just go back there the main stuff yeah I remembered uh a lot of it and also any stuff that I didn't remember Chloe was like oh what you don't remember blah blah blah I was like oh my god that's gold let me take that down so I was like writing stuff down and then once you start writing stuff does come back I'm sure if I'd kept a diary there would have been a load more stuff that I could have written about that would have been

funny or would have been because the book is basically a comedy memoir it's not supposed to be you know you're not supposed to read it and go I've learned so much about parenting from Jen Brister you'll learn nothing it's just supposed to be funny and supposed to be a companion for people that might you know be going through what I'm going through and also I wrote it because when Chloe was pregnant I was like oh I felt very insecure about being a parent because obviously you know I've got no biological connection to my children and I'm like I'm literally completely the spare wheel I was like I don't really know what the point of me is in all of this and then after they were born

then obviously you have a practical role to play because I don't know how you guys how quickly you connected with your daughters still struggling josh i don't believe that i don't believe can i be honest though or jen like you know when they say once you have the baby you just feel something i genuinely felt nothing for about six months obviously i felt something because they were cute like you would have a cute baby but even then i still don't really feel like a connection like them on some sort of biological subconscious level. It's more just that over time, this lovely little cute things come into my life that I fell in love with. There was never an initial boom.

There's a thing. It was just, it's just that thing you just love over time. It's a strange feeling, but there was never, I never found a, Oh, this is my kid or this,

this is a big moment. It was just sort of. The best advice I got before having a kid was don't put pressure on yourself to have this kind of Hollywood moment if you know what I mean yeah because I think there's so much pressure on you like I remember when my friend was having his kid and his mate said to him you will feel a love like you've never felt before the first moment you see that child and then he kind of ended up like almost beating himself up over the fact that he hadn't felt this kind of insane moment of no one does they just say it for attention on facebook i was gonna yeah i was gonna say i think that particularly as the

other you know like if you're the dad or like me just the other parent i think it would be i just don't know how you would suddenly just they're like for me they were just two strangers yeah I don't know them I've got no and so for me I was like oh that's just because there's no biological connection and that's why I'm feeling a little bit detached um but then I felt really do you know what I felt like my brother was like oh no I felt nothing for like the first what like yeah that's quite a long time um and he was like no you know you feel really protective of your child and you care about them and you don't want anything bad to happen to them and you you know he said but that that feeling that everyone was going on about like like deep deep love where

you'd like oh my god I love you so much that he said that took a lot longer to come whereas with Chloe when the boys were born and again it doesn't always happen for for the mother either that that's also a myth but for chloe it definitely happened for her like i could see it like all the hormones that are produced after a baby is born she had them like triple i mean like like doubled up that well obviously because it was two of them um so she wasn't she was she looked like high, like she was on drugs. Yeah, I think it is different. Genuinely, the feeling I had when I got given,

my daughter was, I felt like I just started a temp job and the boss had given me her kid. And I was like, well, I better do this well because I need this money for rent. That was my feeling. It was more then I've got a thought like you know what I mean and I did I've looked after it you know looked after it for the last four years so you know but it's like yeah and as you grow that for me then life grew

but at the time there wasn't really that emotion but yeah how was you during the did you enjoy the birth was it stressful or is it because we spoke about it only before and i find it a very stressful experience even to obviously even just to be watching well i mean i feel like i got away lightly because the twins were but they were both breach and so they the the hospital just said absolutely no way can we no even they don't cancel the other breach out does it double breach so neither of them are breached that's what a double breach is um so they were like you can't have a natural birth like there wasn't even an option we had a cesarean but in and that uh came with its own weirdness because the cesarean was booked in 25th of September. Then on the 24th of September, when we went to sleep, we knew that at 9.30 on the 25th of September, we were going to have twin boys. And that was weird. That was so weird.

One last chance to get absolutely hammered. Imagine watching a cesarean hungover. You want to see Kim Firth hungover hung over oh my god you'd rather a pizza be delivered at that stage also i mean you've both seen what happens when a baby's born do you want to be hung over when all that stuff comes out absolutely not i didn't know what placenta was until i saw one that was a shock i'll tell you oh my god i should have read the whole book about labour. I've stopped after the baby come out.

The placenta really is quite, yeah. Yeah, you're never ready for a placenta. That's what I've always said. I've lived by that. You should never be. The people that are ready for a placenta. You're never ready for a placenta until you see one. It's like skydiving. You can't practice it.

You've just got to experience it. Also, with being at school, Jen, as well, how have you approached, like, obviously, having two mums, essentially, going into school and have they asked questions? Or was it something you were concerned about when you decided to have kids or not, like with the same-sex parents? Yeah.

Do you know what? That was another worry about the two mums. And we live in Brighton and, and obviously a very sort of deliberate move because what we wanted, we wanted our children to be around other parents, same-sex parents. But as it is, we're the only same-sex parents that I can see in the whole school. But they have asked questions and they've asked about, but because we have got other mates who have got children and they're, you know, gay gay couples for our kids, it just feels quite normal. And also because all of their peers, you know, know us. And so it's normal for them.

So no one's kind of gone, why do you have two mums and you don't have a dad? No one said that because they're like in their heads for all of these children that we that my kids sort of bob about with. They know that some kids have two mums some kids have two dads some kids have a mum and a dad and so they or just or just a mum or just a dad and so they they take it all in their stride and they don't really question any of it and I think no that's a good thing that these kids have that because they there's no otherness for them it's all normal which is lovely yeah and I think you can always like if anything like if you're worried about like I think sometimes it can always be the cat the parents worry projected onto the kids

and like kids at school always be picked on about something or something we've brought up about you know about even having the wrong bag i remember getting bullied for having high-tech socks do you know what i mean so whatever that's fair enough that is bad isn't it you know it was a different time back then I'd have bullied you for that. So whatever it is, they'll find something. And from what I've observed at school gates, it's very much the parents' own worries and concerns that get projected onto the kids. And the kids don't really care.

One of my best mates, Tim, is married to us in a gay couple. And they're just so just like, oh. And they're like, oh, so Tim and Sid are married, aren't they? They're two husbands and stuff're just so just like oh and they're like oh so tim tim and sid are married aren't they they're two husbands and stuff and it's like yeah and they're like oh oh how comes it's like two um boys are not a boy and a girl was like well oh because some boys like boys and girls like it doesn't really matter and then they just go all right can i have a sandwich they just don't care it's just so instantly accepted exactly they just they see that uh as an opportunity to get a sandwich rob they're absolutely playing also safe sex parents will be so by the time they're 18 that'll be just it'll

be normal it'll be so normal and it kind of it's like this generation our kids generation because there's so many of us like gay couples having children and they're all about this age now between two three four and five that it's not going to be like oh that's a bit weird yeah and uh you know we've done the whole conversation about where babies come from and you know uh where they came from and how they were born and how it's different and they you know they just sort of take it in their stride but i'm obviously as they get older they're going to have more questions and then i'm just going to send them to a therapist and i think that's fine i think most people need to go to a therapist anyway well whoever your parents are it's I think it's a healthy way

same way you go you know to a chiropractor if you've got bad back if you're stressed out go see a therapist oh yeah sensible way to deal with it but but yeah also as well there's the bad thing is it's only because it's a visible thing where like it's obvious that they've got two mums where there's so many straight couples have to go the IVF route and they will have to use donated sperm in order to have kids and stuff that because it's not like people just assume that oh that was just a natural IVF they don't ask questions but when it's visible that it's two women it's sort of like okay so and then they sort of ask questions and stuff and there's so many other children that yeah can say conceive that way yeah conceive that way but it's not spoken about or as obvious because it's same-sex is asked about,

where there's plenty of people that have that way they're conceived. Yeah, but you can preserve your anonymity, can't you, when you're in a heterosexual relationship. But I feel I'm not really worried about them experiencing any bullying about that, as and when if it as and when if it does happen but like you said kids could get bullied about anything yeah just get night socks just some night socks as you said one of them's got a bad eye jen that's what you should be worried about i know i know he's got poor love it just keeps swerving all over the place when i was a kid as

well i had the biggest fattest nipples you ever seen right to the point where they'll just dominate my chest through a blazer. And I would have swapped them for same-sex parents any day of the week. Do you know what I mean? You've never seen nipples like it. They've barely recovered. When did you grow into your nipples, Rob? Still going.

48, they reckon. It was a combination of being overweight, puberty, but they've calmed down a little bit i've got i'm fully pubed up now and i've lost a little bit of timber so they have gone down so if anyone listening with big fat nips out there there is a way out and if you've been a trigger warning for big fat nip people out there yeah you're gonna have to put a trigger warning at the front of this podcast yeah yeah oh maybe they cover some same-sex topic no it's about big fat nip people i find it no they were going to cover such sensitive material i've never downloaded this i'll tell you what they weren't as sensitive as they look like they should be either i was gonna say big nipples that could have been quite nice no no no no they weren't no awful awful anyway let's not get bogged down by that um

jen this has been amazing jen, I've got one last question. Would you want your children to read your book and how would you feel if they read the book? How do you feel they'd feel about it? Once they've learned all the different sounds, obviously, which will be a year or two too late. There's lots of magic ease in this, Mum. I think it's mainly a book about me failing as the parent

so I think if they read it they wouldn't be like oh mum why did you say this about me be like mum why would you admit to being this shit at being a parent um so I'm not worried about that and I think there will come a point particularly with my stand-up where I will just have to knock it on the head and not really talk about them because it gets to a point where they if it's going to be embarrassing for them at school or they're going to you know I don't want them to I don't want to be using them endlessly but while they're this small also though the thing is though like you've got to use them for stuff do you know I mean like if they grab go I've got a problem with this book go out of here we'll get out this kitchen because that's what it paid for all right you've got a problem with this book, go, I'll have you. We'll get out of this kitchen because that's what it paid for. All right? You've got a problem?

Get out of the fridge. You've got to earn money somehow. It was a worldwide pandemic. I couldn't work for five months. And they're like, yeah, Mum, but why did you have to tell everyone that we used to sniff each other's bum holes in the bath? Well, I'll tell you why. Because it was funny. All right?

So enjoy your PS4. We only had your sister so we could get a second book deal. Yeah. Oh, Jen, it's been amazing. Thank you so much. Have a plug for your book. What's the book again? It's called The Other Mother.

It's by myself, Jen Brister, and you can buy it wherever you buy a book, basically. Local bookshop. Local bookshop online. Get it on Amazon quick and cheap. I've got them shopped. Rob. Oh, God. Sorry, I'm joking.

Sorry, I'm joking. It's not joking. You're so not joking.shop okay don't go to the bookshop that goes oh we shut between three and five ring this number get in that shop and we'll earn a living if you want to earn some money don't fuck about shutting it and then moaning about amazon you lazy bastard but yeah go to a local bookshop that's open please get that book the other mother by jen brister thanks Jen thanks guys bye Jen Brister I love Jen Brister

Josh she's so brilliant actually I'm in love and I'm going to ruin her marriage on my own she's amazing and her book

The Other Mother is out from all major and unmajor retailers Twins blows my mind. I still can't quite, not the film.

Just how did they do the prosthetics? Is he really that much bigger than him? Twins, it just, I always used to think before I had a kid, I think twins would be great. It's now like something that if I were to think about having twins just before going to sleep, it would be the kind of thing that would keep me up. Well, my mum's friend had twins and they were identical. So I had to paint like nail varnish on one of their toes to tell which one was which.

Oh, wow. When they were really young. Not now, he's like 18. No. Come here, get your shoe off. Right, have you had lunch? Oh, yeah, also as well be honest with me josh did i um undermine the question about the problems facing same-sex couples sending their kids to school by

talking about big fat nips or was it if anything i think that showed a um a new and caring light that people haven't seen from you before i think when you see one of the like big let's call you the behemoths of British showbiz right behemoth of British nipples yeah yeah exactly when you see them showing that kind of um that that fragility it really I think that's a refreshing listen for everyone at home I think that's and I think as a performer I've always hidden behind this sort of strong powerful sexy but silent type vibe yeah and it's good for me to open up and show some of my vulnerabilities you know i mean i'm a bit brando sometimes let's talk about the marlon brando comedy aren't i in a way exactly exactly i do think if you know if our listeners wanted to

you know anyone who's good at photoshop wanted to create the image so that we could all put it see it and put on the instagram i think that would only help you cope with it more i mean i think that's great and you know to those people that will be now googling an image of rob beckett child to photoshop big fat nips on it just i think you need to be pushing yourself harder at work or getting a hobby because that is too much time and you do not want that in your google search you cannot explain your way out of rob beckett as a child so i can photoshop some big fat nips on i mean most people don't google what they're going to do with the image that'd be an awful my history would have to be set on fire if that was the case but that's what they should do that should be a new internet

law that whenever you google you've got to say why you're doing it busty juicy milf okay uh what am i doing this for that would actually bring up the picture of you with the nipples anyway um so um and uh just one more time rob could you just take us through the route from southeast london to brighton okay here we go i'll tell you what i'm proud of that i do use the m6 toll if you want to open this up to the northern powerhouse right so so thank you for listening everyone you can't put a price on stress. That's what I say

about travel. You can actually, you, Les. Don't get me started on you, Les. I can't drive

my fucking diesel. We'll be back on Friday. Yeah, you're just wrapping this up. In two years' time, we're going to have to pay you,

Les, to drive a Nissan Qashqai to Greenwich. Not on. Sadiq Khan, that is not, I don't want to get into a rant. Cheers, guys.

We'll see you on Friday. Goodbye. Goodbye.