Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP33: Elis James

Episode Date: August 18, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP33; Elis JamesJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the brilliant comedian and writer, actor and all round parenting legend - Mr Elis James.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. With Questrade, you can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at questrade.com. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell, the show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well

they're coping or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting How with... Josh Whittakin. Josh Whittakin. Rob Beckett. Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob It's like he thought that was a swear word and he was getting away with it. Where I used to go, Arsenal.

I used to call it Arsenal. That is Chris. This is a voice recording our soon-to-be three-year-old Felix and Chris, Ivy and Felix. They live in China. We've got listeners in China. Imagine him just bowling around Beijing, listening to me talk about watermelons. What a world.

What a world we're in. I'm glad also. Thank you to China for letting us be one of the things on your internet. There's a market and I don't mind

a bit of state sponsorship. I know they like getting involved, don't they, a bit, the government. Imagine if we were sponsored by China.

The Chinese government. We could do stuff like, do you know what's great? Only having one kid. Isn't that right, John? That's the best way. Yeah, here's from our sponsors, the Chinese government. How have you been, Rob?

I've been good, actually. It's been nice. We're a bit anxious about school summer holidays and still being able to work and have sort of our own time. So what we've been quite good is, though, we've started one day a a week i have to myself that i can do whatever i want on my own and lou has the same and then we build in around that like time for work time for like days out with the kids we've got a couple of nights away but like camping and stuff like that because we couldn't go to spain so it's been all right actually i was a bit worried at the start so what what are you doing with your

day well i've been playing golf normally but this week i had lots of like little admin things to do so i had to go so i've got i've got very bad postures i had to go i'd get my chiropractor appointment i go to a chiropractor yeah straighten me out a bit so i've got a bit of a like a chimp neck and head so but i find it quite relaxing to do that yeah i just wanted quite a chill day watch a bit of telly i just did nothing because sometimes you don't want to ram too much stuff in. When it's not your day, do your children speak to you and you absolutely blank them? No, basically, if they're out for the day, I'll stay in, potentially.

But then if they're in, I'll go out, just to have a little break. Because I think it's good for everyone. Do you know what I mean? And what's your day like when Lou takes her day? Well, I've booked him in for the cinema today. Oh. Because I'm having him. once we finish recording this, because we're just doing a little bit in the morning,

I'm taking him to the cinema to see some absolute guff. So I'll probably have some headphones in and listen to a podcast. This one? Yeah, I'll listen to myself. Just make some notes, you know. The awful thing when your headphones come out and your phone starts broadcasting your own voice. That would be an embarrassing moment.

Oh, God, yeah, that is awful, isn't it? Imagine that. Yeah, Rob Beckett, right? Is he salty he salty or not i don't know but he's listening to himself watching 100% wolf in a cinema um now today is a very special day for the podcast because it's the return of ellis james not the return but the arrival the arrival so um obviously izzy sooty i was on and she talked about their lockdown. If you haven't listened to that episode, it would be worth going back and listening to it now. Yeah, pause this one now, yeah, and then listen to that first, then do this one.

Yeah. But before that, because we talked a lot on Friday, we didn't get a chance to do loads of emails. Do you want a couple of more emails, Rob? Oh, yeah. Have you got some? Yeah. It's the lockdown

parent in mail bag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. This is called Nephew's Tedious Hobby. Hi Rob and Josh, not a parent, but I do have a nephew. He's about two and a half years old. He's great and I really enjoy getting to see him and spend time with him. However,

he has what might possibly be the most tedious hobby I've ever heard of. Something so dull, it would make train or plane spotters yawn. He is an avid tarpaulin spotter. Whoa. I was first introduced to his interest last time I visited my brother and his wife's house.

I was playing with my nephew in the garden. He asked me if we could go upstairs to the bathroom window and look at the next door neighbour's tarpaulins first i thought he was joking but his mom informed me this was a daily activity he likes to go goes to the bathroom with either my brother or sister-in-law who opens the bathroom window as wide as possible for him he's then placed on top of the toilet system so he can gain the most panoramic view of tarpaulins. He does this for five minutes or so, consistently pointing out the same three tarpaulins in the neighbour's garden and describing each in detail. What?

When he last visited my parents' house, he immediately pointed out all the tarpaulins we had in our garden and later asked me to take him into the garden and show him each of them up close. He also asked my permission to touch them, promising he'd be very gentle, as if I was a museum curator granting him exclusive access to the Shroud of Turin. Is it normal for really little kids to have hobbies and interests in this tedious stroke niche?

I've not heard of a tarpaulin spa. No, I mean... Can you imagine taking and camping? It loses... It's everywhere. Just going up to the tents, Can I look at your ground sheet? I've not seen one that shade of green before. If I was a parent, I'd be delighted with that. I'll be straight down Wicks or Garden Centre or wherever you buy your tarpaulin from.

All good tarpaulin sellers. Where do you get tarpaulin? I don't know. I've never had to buy a tarpaulin. I'm going to be honest. That doesn't appear, that isn't something that will surprise people about me. No.

I've never bought a tarpaulin in my life. What is tarpaulin for? It's just to stop stuff getting wet normally. It's like if you've got like a bit of building site that needs covering up overnight, you put a tarpaulin on it. It's a big old word as well for a two and a half year old. Tarpaulin, yeah. I mean, I've always been aware that tarpaulin existed,

but it's the most I've ever given it. Exactly. Do you know what? That's so true. It's the first time I've actually engaged with it as a concept i don't think i've ever said it out loud heavy duty waterproof cloth originally for tarred canvas oh there you go tarpaulin appalling for tar wow good on if he enjoys it though yeah i i'd encourage children to have as weird hobbies as possible because i think it's great later in life when people are judging you over liking tarpaulin get it done now no one's

judging a two and a half year old except this guy except your uncle exactly and also it's good to be a bit different a bit wait you know there's katherine ryan i don't know if she said that this podcast she said another podcast i mean it might be an emily dean's podcast the walk in the dog world which is a really good podcast listen to to it after you've listened to all of ours, obviously. And it's a really good podcast. But she said she used to go home and say, oh, mum, I want to be normal like all the other girls. And her mum said, those bitches aren't normal.

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taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at michigan.org so um josh i've got a um a salty email about you but i think you're gonna have some salt to fire back at these people because i'm already on your side okay spoiler alert here it is can i just uh before we do this just remind me i can't remember the person's name but thank them they have uh they have had their email read out before so we have said their name before but they said people that are looking for salty situations that aren't salty we should

describe as salt miners oh yes absolute salt miner yeah um so i think we've got a salt miner here and this is from beth i have a story about a time josh made the population of a whole university extremely salty and then he back salted us did she go to Harper Adams yes she went to Harper Adams already already the fire in his salt salt monster's belly is burning bright Josh you have you got salty beef with have you ever done that gig Rob I don't think I have no oh my god because Russell Howard had a similar situation where he um he was salty about half radams in like a you know worst gig ever done oh questionnaire or something they celebrate destroying comedians um in the mill wall of the universities we don't care yeah so uh it's a

farming college in shropshire and uh i went to do a gig I was a middle spot I was in the middle 10 yeah quite near the start of my career and they were like so the the girl in charge who was lovely I don't know if that is Beth because of the the odds are it possibly is because they were very proud to say that they are 98% male which is never what you want as an audience is 98% male yeah as a 2% livestock. Can I read out what she said and then you can sort that. Yeah. Like uni full of farmers and we are quite feral, she said.

It's commonplace to see pigs heads in student beds, first years shitted into the halls recycling bins and a number of other unspeakable things. Oh my God. Josh lasted about five minutes on stage. He refused to down a dirty pint. Yeah. He was booed off and he never came back. He slagged off our uni on TV.

He said, and I quote, Harper Adams University can fuck themselves. So Josh, from Harper to you, stop being a wetty and just drink the piss next time. Well, that's the thing is that, so the ENTS manager, she said, if during your set they start singing a song bring a pint on stage you have to down it and i was like well no we were all like no and then she was like yeah that's probably the right thing to do because they

made me down a pint yesterday and it turned out it was full of piss is that what the entertainment manager said that like she'd said and it turned out it was a little bit flat like like it was the most mundane thing she'd ever said. It had a shot in it with the lager. Yes. It was one of it was

the worst gig I've ever done by a million miles and it's so far away. Oh. So I was on with Steve Parry who you know Rob and we drove all the way up and I mean I'm not

speaking out of turn to say neither of us had a wonderful time and then we drove all the way back. It must have been like'm not speaking out of turn to say neither of us had a wonderful time. And then we drove all the way back. It must've been like four hours each way. He's quite political as well, Steve. He's very left wing political.

And I imagine a uni for the farmers is going to be quite a Tory, Tory central union. Well, I don't know how I'm speaking out of turn about Steve here. Cause he's a, he's a really good comic, but he said to me beforehand, I'm going to do all my political stuff sodom yeah good on him as well

right and then he started and after two minutes it wasn't going brilliantly and i just heard him go so i'm ginger and i thought he's given up he's gone to his ginger stuff. Defcon 4 was like me doing teeth. But she's done me a disservice there because I genuinely lasted six minutes of my tent. It was absolutely the worst gig I've ever done. I've done those uni gigs before. I did a gig in Leicester,

Freshers Week, and it was basically similar to that. They didn't try and get a dirty pint, but they were just singing, shouting. It was a free-for-all. I went on to that, and I won't even die. It was like trying to do a gig to just a nightclub.

They just weren't engaging. It was awful. And I come off when that was one of the worst things I've ever done. And Paul McCaffrey is a brilliant, brilliant comedian, one of the best in the country. The thing is, guys, and he's a bit like a mod. He's quite well turned out.

He's Oasis, dresses really well. He went, if you just go on I said don't lose my call and I just do the set I've done the set they haven't won then have I

I'll just go out just take it and deal with it deliver my jokes and leave he walked on and some bloke went nice shirt mate

and then Paul immediately turned and went what do you fucking say and this opening line after this lecture about just playing, playing a cool trick, playing a cool trick. What'd you fucking say about my shirt? Oh, it's so funny.

But it happens. That's what makes you, isn't it, in a comic? But I think that's, you're not, that weren't you being salty. That was, that was, no. No, that was, that was a difficult situation that I dealt with badly. Which was very much about us and parenting yeah if you have uh any emails or any views on any of these things get in touch this way email us hello at lockdown parenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdown parents or Lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff. P.O. Box 76748 London E99DW.

Right now it's time for Ellis James. Hopefully you've listened to the Izzy episode already. Very funny man, comedian in English and in Welsh. He's all over the radio, all over the telly. Podcaster. Actor as well. He does a lot, doesn't he, Ellis? And a miracle man of parenting. Here is the story of Ellis James. It's the one you've been waiting for, guys. The hero of parenting.

It's the one and only Ellis James. Ellis, we finally got you. Hello. What an intro. I've never felt so wanted. Oh, we've been desperate for you, Ellis, haven't finally got you. Hello. What an intro. I've never felt so wanted. Oh, we've been desperate for you, Ellis, haven't we, Josh? Yeah, I can't believe it. And considering the amount of hours in the day you're awake,

it's amazing that you haven't got more free time. Yeah, but I'm not actually compus mentis or with it for very many hours of the day. So there's about a 30-minute window where I'm quite entertaining. And other than that, I've got my head in my hands. Well, we should explain to the listeners that aren't really aware of what we're – if they've not listened to the full back catalogue, but your partner, Izzy Sooty, was on the show talking about you've got two children. Can you give us just a quick reminder of your set-up indoors, Ellis?

Betty, our daughter, is's five and stefan our son is one yeah and uh betty good as gold um she wakes up at approximately 8 to 8 30 in the morning steph slightly different story and it was one of those things where, because Betty was always like this, we got into that quite smug habit of telling ourselves before he was born, it's just us, we're just such chilled out parents, you know. If more parents could follow our chilled out lead, this whole sleeplessness thing, it's a bit of a myth, actually. I actually think it's a bit of a myth actually i think it's a i think it's their fault and i don't know what we did with her but it was absolutely nothing to do with us and we we we ended up having to do sleep

training because we'd broken every single rule in the book and having chucked an awful lot of money at the problem and done sleep training twice, he wakes up... Is he Stefan? Yeah, he wakes up at 4.50 to 5 o'clock every morning. Oh, that's got bad lessons we spoke to, is it? I tell a lie. In the last two weeks, things have really, really, really changed. He was 18 months old two weeks ago. And in the last two weeks, something's really clicked.

And it's much, much later now. But for the duration of lockdown, from his birth until about a fortnight ago, it was very, very's really clicked. And it's much, much later now. But for the duration of lockdown, from his birth until about a fortnight ago, it was very, very early, yeah. You're the one who's getting up every morning, Al. Yeah, we ended up in this slightly strange... I don't know if it's strange, but it was a slightly imbalanced relationship.

In the sense that I would do all the mornings, but Izzy would cook the meals, the evening meal and clean the kitchen as a kind of trade-off for a couple of reasons. I hate doing the kitchen. I'll do any housework apart from the kitchen. I will do it, obviously, but it's the thing I like doing the least. Izzy hurt her back at the start of lockdown. So the one thing she could do from bed because she was bedridden for the first sort of 10 days or so was sort out meal plans and once she was up she could cook so obviously i had to get up and she couldn't lift him out of the out the cot and so she would we were quite lucky we got um sainsbury's deliveries because we were ended up on a list

so she could buy the food and plan meals and cook when she was up, but she couldn't lift him. So I was having to do all of that stuff. The third thing which she didn't mention when she was on the podcast is that when she's tired, she does a certain face, right?

Which deep down, if you ask me, I think is put on. We didn't mean to ask you, you just told me, I think is put on. We didn't need to ask you. You just told us what I'd like to add. That wasn't part of an edit where we've got the hour. It was. I went for a bike ride at lunchtime and I thought,

shall I say about the face? And I thought, oh, sod it. Let's get it out there. Let's be honest. You've heard it. Podcast is the most honest of all the mediums, I think. So prior to lockdown, we used to swap it. We used to do sort of night on, night off.

And whenever it was her turn to do the morning, so it'd be like 11 a.m. And I'd say, where are my keys? And she'd be like, oh, God'd say where are my keys She'd be like God God God 4.56 Which is fine

It's worth for some people Gotta write an email man And I'd go yeah it is hard isn't it And part of me would think Oh I have a fucking coffee for crying out loud Come on Have a cold shower! Just splash some water on your face, like they're

doing cowboy fills. Come on! So then, because her back went, which was obviously a different issue, so I was having to do the morning. In the first few days, I was like, I hope she's noticed i haven't done the face yet what i what i would say though is that even though she does that face i think is slightly put on uh it probably isn't and she's so much more imaginative with the children than i am

so for instance i don't know we we might have made it out for our hours worth of exercise, which was hard enough as it was. And I used to think that that was that that was the aim of the day. And if you got out, if you got them all out at the same time, then you'd achieved something. So then I would we would come back and it'd be about four o'clock and now you're gearing up towards tea and tea time and as you would say oh i've just got to do um send a work email by the way i promised betty that we're going to do a treasure hunt and i'd say um i'd say oh yeah what's that is it is that online she goes she goes no and i say what do you mean a treasure hunt and she say yes what are you going to do you've got to write clues based on i do do it for her all the time. You've got to write these sort of cryptic clues based on her day and things she likes,

and then you leave them around the house and then you've got to come up with a prize. I'd be like, you're fucking drugs. Treasure hunt? Are you high? I'm not going to do a treasure hunt. What do you mean? Where am I going to get the clues from? She'd be like, well, you just make them up but oh god but she was she is capable of that and it comes quite easily

to her whereas i i find that much much harder so i do the early mornings and she does the the imagination side of parenting and then we sort of meet in the middle so then we we got we got into this habit of of of doing that and what I discovered was the thing with lockdown, I mean, this will be the same for everyone, but particularly I think for parents of young children, every single day was the same. And I mean to the minute. So 451. So you're talking through your day

Ellis, but you did, how many days in a row did you do this? like 17 weeks or something 451 is that working at an oil rig? Izzy would nudge me, I know I know she's a very light sleeper so she's probably your plugs in so 451 wow the nudging 456 i know 502 i know 505 eventually go and get it right i would then

watch the last dance a documentary about a sport I don't like or understand, with my head in my hands. And he's just causing havoc, right? And what my son does... Are you all right with swearing? Yeah. OK, well, he would shit himself awake, right? That's his sort of thing.

That's his Yakuza 2 challenge. Yeah. That's his sort of thing. That's his Yaka Stuck Dude challenge. Yeah. 525, you know, Michael, they've just won another NBA championship and Michael Jordan's being shown interviews with his teammates on an iPad. I think I should change his nappy. So I change his nappy.

I wouldn't give him any milk because the sleep trainer had said that would make him think that he should be having milk at 5 30 so you want to hold off from that so i just head in hands and then at about seven o'clock you know we'd get moving so then my my daughter would wake up and then i oh my god we we've got two children right so betty obviously was meant to be homeschooled. And all of my mates at school, we were all two years younger or older than our siblings. So there's about four years difference between Betty and Steph. And I was quite smug about this. For a long time, I used to think, oh, you know, she can hold him and you can explain stuff to her and all this kind of thing. What we found difficult was that their needs are so different.

Because she likes drawing and colouring in and telly and hatchimals. And what he likes doing is throwing stuff down the stairs, then holding his mouth and going, gone. Or, uh-oh, now they are two very different. How do you marry those two things, right? So obviously we're trying to homeschool her and work right so school were brilliant so they were they were sending lesson plans and stuff and the thing i like more than anything is is unopened emails so that all got added to the unopened emails in my sort of in my inbox and i mean you know proudly raising a member of Generation Thick because the amount of homeschooling we did was really negligible.

Did they send you lesson plans? They used to send lesson plans and stuff, yeah, yeah. So we've got this hilarious whiteboard, which Izzy bought from Staples or something on day one, which is like this testament to abandoned plans and hope and it's got this i look at this day plan schedule and i laugh out loud and it's like 9 a.m um you know reading time 9 15 conversation time 9 9 30 you know exercise with joe wicks that That never, ever, ever, ever, ever happened. It very, very, very quickly became television day again.

Pajama day. Yeah. So then we'd have to have lunch at 11.45 because any later than that and he'd fall asleep in his scrambled egg because he's been awake since 4.50. So no wonder he's completely run out of juice. What we were lucky was he'd have a good afternoon sleep and then i would do all of my work because i do radio shows and podcasts usually or that was the thing i was able to do during lockdown everything else got cancelled or pulled so then in in his during his afternoon nap

that's when i'd pre-record the radio show or do the podcast. And then he'd wake up and then it would start again. And then we got into this habit of at about six o'clock, I'd say to Izzy, it's the home straight now. It's only an hour and a half and they'll be in bed. And then we realised that the morning was the longest time. So we'd get to lunch and Izzy'd say, it's the home straight now. Seven and a half hours, they'll be asleep. Do you, because I haven't reached this age.

Have you reached this age, Rob, where I was thinking this earlier, when does your meal meld with your child's meal so you're having the same dinner? Yeah, I was talking to a friend of mine whose kids are teenagers and he was saying, well, we never, ever gave them children's meals. They had a version of what we had. I don't want to be cooking my meal at 5pm. kids are teenagers and he was saying well we never ever gave them children's meals they had a version of what we had i don't want to be cooking my meal at 5 p.m yeah exactly and so and so they they do have different meals and i don't really know if you've got more of a schedule though

if you have if you get in from work at a certain time every day and i think that works to families with schedules but as is so all over the the place, it never really happens either. Yeah, yeah. Before lockdown, our schedule was all over the place as well, whereas because so much of the work went or changed, it's now actually much more settled. So then what I discovered was I was actually, once I was up, once I'd had a cup of coffee, I was all right, and then I would have this dip at about 6.15. I was all right.

And then I would have this dip at about 6.15. I mean, pretty much to the second, which used to match their bath time. So baths should be fun, but that was when I was at my most tired. And what I found then was it was too late to have a tea or a coffee because that would keep me awake. So obviously I've got to go to bed so early.

So they would just have a really grumpy bath every night. What time are you going to bed, Al? I would try and go to bed at around 10. As anyone who knows me, you'll know this, I'm an extreme night owl and always had been, even when Betty was little. And stand-up used to keep me awake as well. And even when I stopped doing as much stand-up,

I still had a stand-up used to keep me awake as well and even when I stopped doing as much stand-up I still had a stand-up body clock but that has now finally been broken by lockdown so I try to go to bed at about 10 but I'd have this dip at about 6.15 and it was too late to have a tear of coffee so Betty'd splash me

and instead of splashing her back I'd be like you what, mate? What's your problem? What is your problem? So like Groundhog Day, now I find this film incredibly poignant because every day was exactly the same. And how does it feel now? Well, they went back to the childminder bed

and Betty went back to school. So during his nap, which was when I used to do all of my work, I could fit an enormous amount into that nap. Oh, you must have been so tired. Well, I mean, the really pathetic thing is that we were watching. So then we'd get them to bed at about eight o'clock

and then we'd have eaten. And we were trying to watch normal people the episodes are less than 30 minutes we were doing 10 minutes a night with the caveat that i had to be in the mood 10 minutes so what were you doing with your two hours to yourself? I'd stare a lot. I used to unwind better reading than watching telly for some reason. And also I didn't want to go on my phone really after about quarter to nine because the screen used to keep me awake.

Because being a night owl, what I used to find is even when Betty was very tired, I mean, even when Betty was waking up very early when she was little, I'd get this second wind in the evening, no matter how tired I am. So I've really got to try and avoid that because if I had two hours sleep at night, as soon as it gets to about eight o'clock, I actually feel all right, whereas I felt sluggish all day. So I'm really trying to avoid getting that second wind or I'll end up watching a film or something

and go to bed too late. How was your first day of the childminder and back to school where you had the day to yourself? I felt like I'd won 50 million pounds. I just could not believe it. I just couldn't believe it. I just couldn't believe it. And I didn't know what to do. And I used to get, when I used to get little moments to myself,

I used to think, right, what am I going to do then? Am I going to read a book? Or am I going to watch a film? Or am I going to text a friend? Or am I going to phone a friend? Or am I going to watch telly? Or am I going to read about telly so I'll know what to watch? So when I have got time to watch telly, I'll be watching the best telly.

Because we don't want to waste time. What am I going to do? What am I going to read about telly so I'll know what to watch? So when I have got time to watch telly, I'll be watching the best telly because we don't want to waste time. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? And it just, the whole thing, the whole day just felt so long. It's like when you talk to people of our age who don't have children, they're weekends, two whole days. I find it mad that people have their weekends. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The thought of like just sitting and enjoy. I used to enjoy a hangover. Yes, yeah, that's a big thing. I used to kind of thrive on watching the football on a hangover and making waffles and beans for breakfast on a hangover. Do you know what I mean? I find it funny. Yeah.

If I was a bit useless because I was hungover, I was like, oh, God, sorry, I'm hungover. Whereas now I'm like, great, mate. Great, I'm ruining lives. I've ruined my life. And I had four cans. Now she's crying and I'm crying. Great.

Also, as well, you're paranoid I'm crying. Great. Also, it's like you're paranoid the whole time. Like, well, I don't feel bad, but when will I feel bad? Will I feel bad when it's the worst part of the day?

It's been, they're completely psychological now. Yeah. Oh, you're one of those, you're one of those dads. Oh, you're, you're a beer and moretti dad. Yeah, yeah.

Kids are in bed, eight cans by the side of the sofa. I, daddy, daddy. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping.

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Stack more. Spend less. The Happy Stack. Only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Do you think Izzy was worried about you coming on this podcast, Ellis? No, I don't think so. I listen to it and it's quite funny hearing her talk about me when I'm not in the room. Because for a kickoff, she does an absolutely terrible impression of a Welsh accent. And she's got 10 minutes to practice it. The thing she mentioned, which I had forgotten about, I listened to her one of these quite recently, was I was initially shielding, right?

So I wasn't allowed out the house at all. So I used to sit on the window, on the windowsill, to try and get vitamin D like a cat. And I used to think this was a good aspect of my personality, but I have now revealed this and I don't think that it is anymore. I would say I've got an almost superhuman ability to adopt my situation, in this case, complete lockdown because of coronavirus, and then find it completely impossible to imagine an alternative.

So I actually wasn't that unhappy. I was like, oh, well, I'm unable to leave the house. That's my life now. That's my life now. And did you feel jealous of other people who weren't shielding and didn't have a child waking up at half four if I had been a character

in the TV show Lost I would be the bloke who was quite happy to bed down for the night under the shattered wing of a stricken aeroplane oh well this is my life now I live under a wing of a stricken aeroplane. Oh, well. This is my life now.

I live under a wing. I mean, the problem with that aspect of my personality is that it means you almost never try to better your set of circumstances. So I'm always like, oh, well. So I wasn't particularly unhappy, if I'm honest. Obviously, I was worried for people who were vulnerable and that kind of stuff. And also, we don't have a garden.

But again, in that whole thing of feeling unable to imagine an alternative for my situation, Izzy every day would go, God, I wish we had a garden. And I'd say, why are you complaining about it? It's like, we can't do anything about it. It's like me complaining about my height. And she'd say, well, if we can, we could buy another house. I'd be like, I didn't start this conversation to look at solutions, actually.

I don't want to talk about solutions now, actually. So if we'd had a garden garden it would have been so much easier how's um because you're you're obviously it's i'm loathe to describe you as a professional welshman but you're certainly getting there yeah yeah um well how does it feel bringing up your children in southeast london it's weird in the sense that i spoke welsh at home i didn't speak english to my parents obviously i can speak english this isn't a struggle. But I went to a Welsh school and I spoke Welsh to my sisters and my mum and dad and my grandparents. So it is slightly weird.

I do find it weird. When I go into my daughter's primary school, all the stuff on the walls about leaves and frost, it always causes me to do a double take. Doesn't have enough Ls in it. No. That one looks like I could read it hang on it's too easy here, way too easy

the fact that it's not in Welsh always causes me to go oh, and that is a thing I found weirdest what about their accents? I don't know if Izzy I can't remember if Izzy mentioned this but our childminder is from Peckham and is in a is in her 50s right so she she sounds like rob

which means my daughter sounds like rob and that is that is endlessly entertaining to me is there a certain phrase or word that just gets you every time what her child minder does is a child minder doesn't talk down to them. So just talks to the children like she would to an adult. But it meant that because, because Betty started speaking very early on, she was quite slow at walking, but she was very,

very verbal. So she would speak like a little adult, like a little cockney adult. And she'd say, she'd say, go and pick her up. And she'd, she'd drop her pens or something, or pencils.

She'd go, oh, I've had a right nightmare. I remember looking at the snow and going, that is magical. Look at that. Because she's a bit older now. She'll say things like, speaking of which. Eat her round to me and said... Yeah, yeah. I think that is...

I don't know if that's a South East London thing, but I always got spoken to like an adult, even as a kid. They're just... You are treated like an adult. You're not really babied. I don't know if that's a London thing or a class thing or what that is, but I've always spoken to her like that. It's very funny because she's always spoken like an adult

and it does take some people by surprise because it's just funny to hear a little kid say, she's never had a fizzy drink, right, so we're going to go on holiday quite soon. I said, do you want a can of lemonade or Coca-Cola or something on your holiday? She went, I think the responsible thing will be to stick to

apple juice, Daddy. Sounds like a recovering alcoholic. She sounds like a character that's been written by John Sullivan. Go on, son, have a little beer. You've not drunk a beer. Yeah, yeah, go on. Nah, daddy.

Does she speak Welsh? Like, do you talk that in the house? I speak Welsh to her, and she understands it all, and she tends to speak English back. I occasionally hear her speak Welsh to her brother, which is very, very cute. And if

she spends time with her cousins, because they're living in Cardiff, they go to Welsh school, you get a bit very, very cute. And if she spends time with her cousins, because they're living in Cardiff, they go to Welsh school, you get a bit more out of her. And when she was very little, it was 50-50. And what I found hilarious was the childminder then had to learn some Welsh, which was great. So she'd say things like, oh, she was crossing road today. Like, dal fy llaw is hold my hand.

And she'd be like, she would not dal my llaw. She would not do that. And Maas is out, right? So she used to shout when she was in her buggy, when she wanted to come out. So she'd say, oh, Bill, she wanted to, in the park, she'd be shouting, Maas, Maas! And it was just funny because obviously, you because obviously she didn't speak any Welsh before.

Does she understand that she is easier than her brother, do you think? Yes. Yeah. I don't know if we should have done this as much because what happens is it's quite disarming when you have a little five-year-old who speaks like an adult. You occasionally forget that they're five. It's quite disarming when you have a little five-year-old who speaks like an adult. You occasionally forget that they're five. So she would come down and I'd have my head in my hands in front of the last dance.

And she'd say, oh, no, what time did he get up? And I'd say... LAUGHTER I'd say, God, I'm a ten to five. You never, ever, ever did this. And she'd go, Steph, what are you doing getting up so early for? Look at what you're doing to him. Look at what you're doing to Daddy.

And he doesn't say anything. So we just look at him and look at her. And I'd be like, yeah, it's fine. It's not his fault. It's not his fault. He's gone grey. Look at him. He's gone grey. Look at him. He's going grey.

It's just disarming when they speak like that. My eldest is nearly five, and she's like that. And when you're busy doing something and they catch you off guard, you will talk to them like another adult. We were going to my auntie's funeral last week, and she was very's right she's in her 90s so it's never nice but it was you know it was a more of a celebration of her life anyway i picked the flowers up from the florist i put me the boot she went daddy who those flowers for

i went oh auntie olive and she went oh i went oh it's her funeral she's died and i was like i've just dropped that but and she was like he's died oh god she's does she need to know this i said the right stuff how did she take it so like oh god does she need to know this what am I doing the right thing have I said the right stuff how did she take it so like oh has she and then I said like

because sometimes she went oh has she and then because it's just like a dead fly on the floor she's like that fly's not moving is it dead and I'm like oh yeah

that fly's dead she went oh yeah and then I'm like yeah stuff dies you know it gets old and it dies and then she went oh she's dead

like the flies die and I was like yeah and then she ran off and played and I just thought hopefully that'll be fine or that's probably going to be the first bullet point with a therapist it's quite weird because sometimes they can be so grown up and especially in situations where they need to be grown up for something like that i can imagine saying that you just need to be really grown up and well behaved and then them doing it. And then the second they get hungry,

they, they go crazy or they get really upset at something really, really small. So it's, it's quite an interesting agent in that respect. And then it shocks you back. Oh yeah. You are just a little child when they get stressed about something else.

So going forward, Alice with, with Steph, do you think the sleeping thing with Steph, do you think the sleeping thing, now do you think you're on easy street? What time's he getting up now?

He got up at about quarter past six this morning. Oh! Which I can, fine. I mean,

I was never expecting another Betty where he was waking up, for him to wake up at eight o'clock. But I accept she's a one-off in that regard.

He did do two days on the trot of waking up at seven and then the next morning he was up past five again. I would say on average, no, it's about six o'clock, which is actually fine. You've got a bed at 11 o'clock. That's seven hours. That's not too bad. So both of mine get up around half five, six-ish,

somewhere between there, right? Unless they're really tired and it'll be a bit later. But it went from a stage when they were both, at one point, both getting up at like four o'clock in the morning. And then once they slept through, for some reason, until like half seven in the morning. And then I was like, I need to go in and wake up and see if they're okay.

Because it's no other character than to sleep that long. I thought something awful had happened. Yeah, the first time we woke up, it was 7.14. And at 7.13, I was outside his door thinking, I need, I door thinking I need to go in and check this is mad

and because he did two on the trot I then started going very quickly reverted to my old ways of going to bed after midnight and then the first morning you woke up at 5.45 was And when was the last time Izzy did a morning? Have you still got the agreement? I started a sports podcast up at 5.45 was... And when was the last time Izzy did a morning? Have you still got the agreement? Well, what she does...

I started a sports podcast with two other comedians, but they're parents. Well, one's a journalist, one's a comedian. So we were doing those on Sunday nights. And she would do the... Once her back was better, she would do the morning on a Monday because it was quite a long record

and it was going on very well. Full of Chang. Not a Chang beer. Is that your drinking night? She thinks it's Chang. You threw you under the Chang bus. It's because I got given a Chang bottle opener as a leaving gift when I left Radio X.

So I think for some reason, Izzy now thinks I'm obsessed with Chang beer and I probably haven't had one for five years. I don't know why she thinks I'm drinking it. I've got to say, after four years service in which you were kind of, you know, the star names on the radio station, that feels like quite an underwhelming leaving gift. It was a joke.

It was because... They didn't like you and they were angry that you left? No, what happened was, we got other stuff, but what happened was we were doing, it's called a sort of a read where you read out an advert. Yeah. And it was a competition and it was sponsored by Chang Beer. And it was a holiday of a lifetime to Phuket.

And I'd been told how to pronounce Phuket, and I'd said, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I'd been on my phone, and they kept saying, are you going to pronounce that properly? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, of course. So the track ended, and I said, well, we've got some great news sponsored by Chang Beer. We've got a holiday of a lifetime for you, all the way to Phuket, right? And our producer went absolutely

ballistic. I had no idea what I'd done wrong. So I was being told off, and then John said, I don't know why you're telling Ellis off. That's all he was trying to say, was that here at Radio X, we love a night out on the Chang. At which point, Chang obviously being

another word for cocaine, an emergency stereophonics track was played. We got told off. I've never been told off before. That section, it never went on the podcast. It never went on the listener again. It got wiped completely. So I got given a Chang bottle opener as a parting gift.

I was going to say primarily famous, but you know, you work heavily with John Robbins, who has not got a child. Do you find, you were probably amongst my friends, the first person to have a child. Yeah. How did, like within the comedians of our generation, how did that feel when you were the first person to have a child?

Do you know what? I would say the first year I tried to do it all. So I tried to go out on the piss and drink as much as I had done before and yet still wake up, look after children with a hangover and just pretend that I didn't have a hangover. And I still tried to work and I did a tour or something crazy. I can't even, I think I must have done it. Yeah, 2015 I did a tour and I just drove myself and Izzy into the ground

because Izzy was working as well. And then after about a year, I thought, this is madness. Why are you doing this? And I think it's because I was, of our mates, because we're, you know, you and I are roughly the same age and we speak a lot and I was the first. And I think because Izzy's a couple of years older than I am

and she was one of the last of her friends, I would say it's not that I wasn't ready, but I hadn't realised how much of a change it would be. And I think emotionally I found the second child, Steph, far easier to cope with because I didn't have to get used to being a dad. I was already a dad. I just had more children to look after. Your life had already been ruined.

It's changed. So it's just another body, isn't it, really? Yeah. So even though he was demonstrably harder to look after, because, sorry, that sounds bad. I hope he doesn't listen to this when he's older. But I mean, he was premature. Well, he'll have plenty of time to if he's still waking up at 5am.

Hopefully he'll be listening to it when he's got a child with his head in his hands watching a documentary about lebron james he was premature and obviously his his sleep wasn't something we were used to and you can't really get used to that and we hadn't expected it either and it's so destructive when you wake up every couple of hours you just can't get used to it that even though that aspect was harder i didn't really have to emotionally change my mindset because i was already a parent so i think i got a lot of the feelings that you're told you're going to get with your first child with my second because i think my first one i was just shocked this picture of me holding betty and she's about an hour old and i look absolutely terrified did you have an immediate bond and love and connection with her yeah you don't have to

you can be honest as well if you want ellis yeah but what what i well there are two things what i got was i remember she was born in october andzy got very hot, or she felt very hot in the labour, so the window of the room was open. And I remember a doctor coming in and saying, oh, you need to close this window because it's cold in here. You haven't realised. And also you need to put a vest on the baby. She was like minutes old at this stage.

So they're so fragile, or that you think they're so fragile, you hold them like they're a hand grenade with a pin loose and I was trying to put a vest on her and I couldn't do it, right, because I hadn't put a vest on her. I'd held a baby but I'd never held a newborn like that. I remember

the midwife going, oh god, give her here and I'll do it. I remember thinking, shit I can't even put a vest on her. Yeah, I was the same. Oh god, I can't put a vest on. What else can't I do? Yeah, yeah. Oh, Christ. How can I cope with the teenage years?

I can't put a vest on her. Oh, God. What if she starts smoking weed and asks me about... Oh, God. So how long did it take you to get your confidence up a while but i the thing that really chilled me out was i did a gig with a comedian a few months before she was born and he said i didn't bond with my son for about a year so if you don't bond with her or him because we didn't know don't worry because it'll come and no one had ever ever said that to me

before that hadn't even occurred to me because i think i'd always expected that the hollywood oh my god you gave me i remember texting you i just went i just looked before this on my phone for it i couldn't find your reply i went all the way back on the way back i found a photo of you with um that you'd sent me which was steph asleep in a sleepy head yeah um on march the 15th 2019 which is what 15 months ago yes she's a couple of months old then yeah and the caption is all in exclamation marks in capitals got my life back oh yeah yeah didn't quite turn out to be the case because yeah 16 months later and you managed to do it you really did think the sleepy head was going to be a breakthrough that that

didn't actually come in the end with betty did you because she was such a great uh sleeper did you give out sort of overconfident, cocky advice to people? And then with the second one, you thought, actually, we had no idea. Shamefully, I think I probably did, actually. Looking back, and if I could watch video footage of myself giving that advice in 2014, 2015, I would not be able to recognise that person. You know, sometimes, especially if you've had a drink

and you're having a conversation with someone, you might say something and within 10 seconds you think, who is that guy? Why did I say that? And you think, I went mad 10 seconds ago. I didn't even think those things. What the fuck was that? I don't know if you get this as well when you guys do stuff on telly where sometimes you have a moment of low confidence

or you're not sure about something like that. And then if something flicks on of you on the telly, you think, where's that bloke gone? Look at him. Oh, my God. I could do with him now. I need him. I didn't drink very much in lockdown.

A lot of my mates drank a lot in lockdown, but you can be hung over and you can be tired, and they're both difficult, but both at the same time is intolerable. So I barely drank. So what that means now is that when I do go for a drink, once I've had more than three pints, I'm a complete div and it's really embarrassing.

And I don't think I was like that when i was drinking regularly because i think i just get so excited i say stuff i don't mean i've learned the best way is go for an afternoon drink in a beer garden and then drink from like midday stop about four or five and then the next day you're okay and you have your hangover when you're asleep now that's a fun little evening you're a bit bit merry, a bit excitable, have a bit of dinner, then go to sleep at half ten, eleven, and then you're all right for the next day. I found that it makes me really tired now as well.

So if I go for, if I have an afternoon drink, I'm just shattered when I'm trying to give them their tea. It really does rob life of its fun. The other thing I find absolutely amazing is my mum worked and she had three children rather than two. And the house was always spotless. When I go to people's houses and they've got kids and they don't have cleaners, my mum never had a cleaner.

It's like watching a magic trick. I will never understand how that is achievable. Our house within about three weeks of lockdown, it was like Pete Doherty and Carl Barrett's house at the height of the Liberty. The Albion room. Syringes everywhere. Couple syringes everywhere.

When we had our daughter, she must have been out a year, six months, whatever. And you came around to visit with Betty. And Izzy couldn't believe we just didn't have much stuff, like kids stuff everywhere. And I was like, yeah, well, obviously we're just like, we're really like minimalist with our kids stuff. And it's because a six month old doesn't need stuff. No. And now it is absolute fucking carnage in the kitchen corner

there is a corner of stuff that is just building building up and building up and there is no need for any of it yeah it kind of gets worse as well it just gets worse and worse pens without lids yes thrown away yeah yeah yeah. And to be slightly very depressing about it from a climate change point of view, it's all disposable crap,

like poor quality toys that are made of plastic that get played with once. And you just think, if this is my house, if this has been repeated all over the world, God, we're in big trouble.

Shit. What a bleak ending that is. Al, it's been an absolute pleasure to speak to you. Well, thank you in big trouble. Shit. What a bleak ending that is. Al, it's been an absolute pleasure to speak to you. Well, thank you for having me. You're a hero to our listeners, apart from one woman who took me to task over email to say that actually she thought that you had the easier side of the deal. How?

Oh, fucking hell. What was she, nocturnal? How, out of interest? What does she... She forwarded this email to me. Yeah, let's... Hang on. I'm happy with this email.

Let's not really... It was just saying that cooking meals and cleaning the kitchen is actually a lot more work than we had given Izzy credit. Fuck off. She didn't even go down to the shop. She ordered it from bed. I mean, yeah, obviously, you know,

Ellis did a lot because he had a bad back. But, you know, come on. Credit where credit's due. A genuine question, guys. At points at 5am, because I know you're a very unresentful person, what levels of resentment were the heights you operated at during lockdown towards the situation?

Very low. That was his new life? Yeah, it was just my new life and that was it. I found it impossible to imagine an alternative. I mean, what this has meant is that for years I had bad relationships, which I did nothing about, bad friendships. Oh, well, he's my friend. There's nothing else to do about it.

Yeah, but you and John get on now, don't you? Ellis, you're a hero in our eyes. Yeah. Thanks so much, Al. Lovely to speak to you. It's been my pleasure. That was Ellis James. I'm not going to lie.

Rob has well we thought we'd recorded this end bit after the interview but we hadn't done it this is last night the night before the episode was put out and Rob has got a gig of all things absolutely unacceptable excuse in the current climate so this is just me

thank you to Ellis normally me and Rob would react to the episode but it was all there wasn't't he? What a guy. Thank you all for listening. It's been an absolute pleasure. We'll be back on Friday with just more general updates on our terrible, terrible lives. If you want to get in touch,

this is how. Email us, hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdownparents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting and you can also send us stuff p.o box 76748 london e99dw thank you very much for listening we will see you later bye