Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP34: Aled Jones carried a watermelon

Episode Date: August 21, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP34: Aled Jones carried a watermelonMore misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob. (*DISCLAIMER* - ALED JONES DOES NOT APPEAR IN THIS EPISODE) Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Earn the points. Share the journey. With the TD Aeroplan Visa Infinite Card, earn up to 50,000 Aeroplan points. Conditions apply. Offer ends June 3, 2024. Visit tdaeroplan.com for details. and your favourite McMuffin for only $4 plus tax. For a limited time, only at McDonald's. Exclude Egg BLT McMuffin at participating McDonald's in Canada prices exclude delivery. Hello, I'm Josh Whittacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky.

So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett.

Josh Whitcomb. Josh Whitcomb. Oh, so close. That Beckett. Josh Whittakin. Josh Whittakin. Oh, so close. That was close. So close. That was Murray, aged four. His sister Iona has also provided a recording. Rob Beckett, Josh Whittakin.

Very posh sister. But it also comes with two outtakes, which are my kids fighting about to take turns to do the recordings. Would you like to hear them, Rob? Yes, please. Josh Whittakin. Josh Whittakin. Oh, I didn't even get it.

And this one. Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. And Josh Whittakin. Stupid, stupid. I can feel the pain. That's the problem when you've got two of them. Mine were arguing over who was allowed to sing Bananas in Pyjamas on their own.

But they weren't allowed to join in. It was just strictly a solo performance. And I'm singing Bananas in Pyjamas. Shut up. No one wants to hear it from one of you. Then one too. So... Been a tough week, Josh.

Been a tough week. I know we've got a lot of correspondence, but I've got a lot to get off my chest. Well, we will come to that. But I just want to take you through uh murray and iona because this uh covers three of our things that we've been asking for previously uh so the name of this from victoria late is intro rob unsalty and huge piss so uh do you want to hear this is so that was murray and iona and this is from their mum who's met you. Alright. I was working at a multi-art

centre in rural Aberdeenshire, The Barn. Oh, that was years ago. My first duty manager shift was a Rob Beckett gig. He was definitely unsalty. He was lovely and chatted for a while before the show. It was around the time of the Scottish Indie Ref and he showed a lot of interest

in this and the staff's opinions. It wasn't until he was on stage that I realised it was research for the show and he was trying out his jokes on me. What was that? Also, his rider was Diet Coke and coconut water, which also struck me as an odd combination. Yeah, well, it's not a cocktail. I wouldn't have them together.

So do you list that on your rider, Rob? Well, no, I don't. I don't really have a rider anymore because I've realised, I've found out, you have to pay for that. I thought it was just getting something in for you as a treat. Get the bloody water in the back of the car. That's what I do, mate.

Save a bit. Look after the pennies. Well, you've had an 80-day tour and you realise you've made someone buy you 80 bottles of coconut water. It's like 140 quid on coconut water i didn't drink anyway i was trying to stop drinking diet coke and someone said that um coconut water is more for rehydrating so i've got both didn't drink the coconut water just drunk

the diet coke every time but i wasn't i don't think i was trying my jokes my approach normally is if i say something and you laugh, I'll just say it again in front of more people. That's my process. Exactly. You built a career on it. Yeah, you were just riffing. Just riffing, man.

Just riffing. Do you want to hear the final section? Oh, yes, please. Of our email. Because do you remember we were discussing how much piss is a big piss? Do you remember this from last week? We were discussing how you don't realize how much you piss until you piss into a bottle of festival yes and how big nappies are yeah you don't know

so much you can see your piss yes so it's all coming flooding back and i'm not gonna lie to you i'd forgotten this so when i read this ps on the email i was like why the hell are you telling me people do come up to me and say stuff at a podcast. And then someone the other day went to me, I can't believe you didn't eat that person's cake they made. I was like, I'm not having this row. I am not having this conversation in the street. So I enjoyed Victoria's email. And then it said, P.S. I once did a two litre piss. And I thought, what the hell is going on here?

Oh, please don't make me straighten to like an empty, like lemonade bottle and filled it to the top. It works for us. It was after childbirth and having a catheter in. The nurses were astonished. And I was kept in hospital for a few more days. Oh. So there we go.

So they kept her in hospital for more because it was so much piss. They actually put her into Ripley's Believe It or Not. She got transferred to that. The Waldo wing. That's very niche knowledge of the tallest man ever, Robert Waldo. Don't worry about it. I will explain the jokes if people don't get them. So tell me about your week.

Oh, mate, it's been an absolute, it's been awful. What I've realised is I've started working a bit more and doing some, like, gigs. But I was like, oh, lockdown's a nightmare because it was non-stop and everyone was all stressed and anxious. And then they went back to, like, preschool and I still wasn't really working that much and then they had some holidays off but then now like Lou's busy and I'm busy and they're off school I just I've got no energy I've got no time for it Josh it's my

head's exploding like you texted me at 1 50 last night yeah this is no wonder you're tired I know but when I do a gig I get so much adrenaline I'm up like a junkie till three in the morning. And then I had to get up at eight o'clock this morning to go for a blood test because Dad's got diabetes, so I've got to try and find out if it's hereditary. Nice little trip down to doctors. Got told off for going into an appointment-only one, even though on the NHS form it said,

go in when you want. I don't want to get bogged down by that. NHS is doing a great job, all right? But just please do your fucking forms. Last time you clapped on a Thursday night, didn't it? I've still been clapping. I have.

No one else has had a strip. All right. So anyway, and also we had to get up to get the roof box. I booked in a roof box at 8am because I'm going camping the next day. But basically, right, so a few things have happened this week.

I get Lou sometimes for a birthday or Christmas as a tree asop hand wash it's very expensive very expensive you're earning we've both been in that position rob where we think we need one more present that shows we care yeah but it's actually quite an obvious one and we've gone with the asop hand wash we've both done it yeah exactly and the trick always is if you're not sure spend a bit more money that's the trick don't forget about sentiment if you whack a bit bit of money into it, they'll be happy. Anyway, I've got this Ace of Power wash.

It's pricey, isn't it? It's like a Christmas one. You get it out for best. Anyway, my eldest daughter walked past me. She smelt like some sort of goddess, right? She smelt incredible. You know what? It wasn't of this earth.

It was like an angel had come down and this smell. I went, what's that? She went, I've been moisturising. With what? She had, with the ASOP, like 50 quid a bottle, whatever it is. It might even be more than that. This big tub of hand balm, moisturiser. She'd covered her entire body to the point.

Like Goldfinger. Yeah. She was covered in it it like covered in it right and to the point she had so much on her feet she couldn't stand up like a cartoon slipping on about three quids worth of cream on her feet right slipping about so she's so that that that happened right so then i had to put that away and there's all that working class guilt came out no wonder you had to do the gig on Thursday night. Yeah, I shouldn't have bought it.

And then, you know, now my daughter's laving herself up in it. What kind of ASOC middle-class lunatic am I breeding? Anyway, that happened. Also, because I've been drinking a lot in the week to deal with it. Did she have to wash it off? No, it just went into her skin.

That's how our moisturizer works. I bet she looks like half her age now. Yeah, she does. It's actually, I look like twins now. The four-year-old so it's been stressful so i've been drinking more in the evenings not yeah as a problem but you know a couple of glasses of wine i've realized when i'm pissed right you know you're pissed i mean as i sway side to side in the same manner as i would with the girls when they were babies to rock them to sleep but there's no baby there so is that just that you're pissed or that you're kind of it's not I'm doing

it I'm not doing it like as a piss I'm doing it because I'm drunk I'm doing a subconscious self so I'm rocking myself wow that's lovely do you know what is it or some sort of madness well it's I mean I'm trying to put a positive spin on what is clearly alcoholism but um yeah yeah exactly but right so so next thing that happened well she started primary this is all in a week josh this is yeah there's three more stories as well on top of this right she started primary school at one of the like induction days or whatever because i can't do it it's all online and stuff weird like online meetings and stuff one of the parents went oh let's why don't we all stop numbers and set up a group like the year group whatsapp group right so everyone knows you know they can ask questions

about what's going on great someone went on they went oh do you want to come around our house for a like a picnic thing barbecue thing right and it was all social distance but i don't know what the rules are and how many people are in the garden but i don't think it's a class of school kids and both sets of parents is it i don't think that's big old garden that isn't it that is that is an absolute power play inviting 400 people to garden i've got them all in a corner and did a gig charging the fiver anyway so you want to make a good impression don't you right anyway so we're chatting like that and i'm trying to sort of be like just trying to be normal very difficult for me especially and then a couple of people sort of clocked me a bit so it's a bit awkward

and then we're chatting i was talking about having an ear infection right or something so trying to be normal, very difficult for me, especially. And then a couple of people sort of clocked me a bit, so it was a bit awkward. And then we're chatting, and I was talking about having an ear infection, right, or something. So I was having an ear infection. He went, it's really weird, though. I don't see an infection. The doctor put, like, the tube up my nose to, like, check it, like that. And then I did, like, a comedian panic thing, and I went, oh, what happens if you've got something wrong with your mouth?

Does he put a tube up your ass? Yeah, lovely. I don't know why I've done it. You would have loved it. It's a lovely bit of business it keeps the conversation ticking over yeah exactly but it weren't really the vibe okay right and then it's a bit awkward and then one of the blokes goes well you'll be all right with that because i saw you get a colonic on tv what so the robin rummage show i've got a tube up my ass they did a colonic on TV. What? So the Robin Romney show, I got a tube up my arse and they did a colonic on me.

And had he acknowledged before that he knew who you were? No. No. And then now everyone's just talking about my arse. Oh, mate. At the parent meeting day. Oh, it was awful. Oh, mate.

But, you know, I'd expected, oh, did you host a Royal Variety? Nah, forget that. You've had a tube up your arse. Right, that's not the one you want, is it? Yeah, but that's... Do you know what? It's interesting when there's these moments where you realise how you're going to be remembered.

I feel like that's a real wake-up for you, that that is probably going to be the first line of your obituary. Oh, it'd be awful, wouldn't it? All the parents going, oh, have you seen that? You know, oh, Dad, yeah, yeah. Basically, they barf him in Aesop. He sticks tubes up his arse. And when he gets drunk,

he sways himself to sleep. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really?

Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Well, I don't know. Mom's gonna love it. She'll take

one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation i can get by deal so good everyone approves only at home sense will you like can i just ask because these things that's the kind of thing where i'm like oh god i

hate this kind of i get really tense around that Let's all go and be parents together and talk about being parents. I mean, obviously, I can't deny that talking about being parents is now 85% of my career. But, um... LAUGHTER ..till they're bloody, like, more than five people in a theatre. But are you tense with these? I find these things exceptionally tense.

I'm not that tense. I'm sort of quite, obviously, I'm quite socially confident and I don't really care what anyone thinks of me. But now I've got a moral responsibility to my wife and children. Yes. In this sphere where if I'm just in a pub, I don't give a shit. But now I'm in this world, I'm just trying to be normal because I can't hold it in.

So I told you what I said at that funeral the other day, didn't I? No. I went to my auntie's funeral funeral the other day, didn't I? No. I went to my auntie's funeral and I'm trying to be normal and engage normally. Because when you spend all day trying to be funny and think of the next funniest thing, it's very hard to have normal conversations with people that aren't comedians.

So one of them was handing around flowers, because you couldn't touch the coffin, handing around little flowers to put on the coffin. And she went, oh, here's a flower so you can put on the coffin because you can't touch the coffin. You didn't say, should I put it on my arse, did you? No, Josh, I didn't say it. I did it just for attention.

My brain went to go, I normally lick the coffin, so it's a shame, isn't it, all this COVID? Can't really do what you normally do. But it's just not, people don't want to hear it. No, no. Anyway, so I will go into correspondence, but I've got to get myself. No, that's fine. The cinema trip from hell, josh have you taken your daughters to the cinema yet no no okay right well i took on my own a four and a half year old and a two and a half year old to see a terrible

film i can't even remember what it was dream builders it was called it's a danish film that they've redubbed in english sounds like a Nick Knowles daytime TV show. Yeah. Which they come and make over your house in three days. Yeah, exactly. Since Carol's accident, she's not been able to access the top floor of the house. Today, Nick and the boys are the Dream Builders. Yeah, sorry.

It was always a Danish film and they re-dubbed it all um like in English but no one's mouth was moving at the right time so it was when it was a heat wave and for some reason I thought oh what if it's really cold air con so I don't want to dress for a heat wave and go in there and it's freezing so I packed three hoodies I don't know why got in there obviously boiling up we get in there right I've got them all their drinks I've got a coffee right because I'm tired and I'm dropping it we sit down just before the film starts daddy can go toilet oh and then i was like kind of the 40 year old don't need to go and she's so gobby and grown up i was like she'll be fine i was like no she won't i can't leave her but in my head what age can you leave a kid to go

with the toilet with another one well yeah i don't know what the score is four's too young but anyway too young so i took him to the toilet come back then the film just started needs to go a poo i was like oh god right took her down there the two-year-old wouldn't do a poo obviously needs to do one because it was skidders i'm like oh no right so we go back into the cinema all right hasn't started yet we've been out twice all right and then halfway through i need a poo again went there didn't need one obviously needs a poo though is the other one getting annoyed at this point? Not really, because after that one, she said she needed another wee. So four trips to the toilet we've done,

and then one of them is she's just holding her bum watching it. Oh, my God. Also, at this point, I've got my hoodie on, because I haven't had time to take it off. I've done four trips up and down the stairs. I've had a coffee. I'm leaking from every hole, every port. It's 38 degrees out there. I swear it was hot down the stairs. I've had a coffee. I'm leaking from every hole. It's 38 degrees out there.

I swear it was hot in the cinema. And then eventually, basically what happened was, I just sat there waiting for the two year old to shit herself and then we left. And did she, did she manage to produce? Oh yeah, but not in the toilet.

Oh mate. Just shit your knickers and then we left. Oh my God. Sorry. Sorry. I feel like I've just bombarded you with that. No, but I'm just trying to decide what the worst experience you had was.

And I think it is the parents bonding barbecue. Because now you know whenever you look in the eyes of that dad what he's seen. But that's a tough week, Rob. It is a tough week. That is a tough week. I've not had a bad week at all. We went to the seaside. Yep.

Went to visit Rose's friend who lives in Folkestone. And we had a lovely, lovely weekend at the seaside. Yep. Went to visit Rose's friend who lives in Folkestone and we had a lovely, lovely weekend at the seaside. We've started to make a breakthrough on toilet training. Oh, that's good.

So she just decided to go and sit on the toilet and have a piss the other day. Yes. And now she's mainly pissing on the floor. That's a thing.

Which we're encouraging outside just for some kind of breakthrough. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, at least if she's going to piss on the floor, she pisses outside on the floor. But, you know, I regard my two-and-a-half-year-old as potty trained,

but she did a shit in a cinema. So, you know, there's always, you know, one step forward, two step back. Do you know what I mean, Josh? So she, we were at the beach and she really made a breakthrough and she was just pissing on the floor. Right.

And then she was so pleased that people were pleased she was pissing on the floor she was really forcing out the pisses yeah she must have done on demand on demand she must have done five or six little bits of piss on the floor yeah and then a woman as she was how as my daughter was halfway through this pissing extravaganza woman came up and she was like hi are you are you josh riddickham i was like yeah and at this point my daughter's going i've just done another piss on the floor she didn't say piss no she didn't say i was just had a slash dad oh dad i've just had a slash just done two liters mate you're not gonna believe it oh dear well that's good though it, though. It's encouraging stuff, Geoff. It's encouraging stuff.

And also, she's got into the music from Frozen. Oh, it's absolute bangers. Absolutely phenomenal. I think anyone that complains about... I mean, I know I'm in the early days, but those two main songs are two of the greatest songs ever written, I think. Well, Let It Go. When the strings kick in at the start of verse two of Let It Go...

That's like whatever by Oasis, isn't it? Oh, mate, it's goosebumps on the back of your neck. It's unbelievable. What's the other one you like? Oh, the Do You Want To Build A Snowman one? Oh, yeah, it's a banger. Have you seen the second film yet? Well, so she's not really into the films,

so she just wants to watch the songs. Ah, well, the songs are better in the second film. Do you think? Into the Unknown. We can't do too much. You'll have to pay Disney some money. I don't think you've got any worry with that version of it, mate. It's that pub singer.

I don't think that's stepping on any copyright. So they are absolute bangers. But apart from that, I'm having a very nice time. Very nice time. I think this is what's good about this podcast. It goes in peaks and... Remember that day I had a few weeks ago and I absolutely nailed it? Yeah.

Remember that? Feels like a lifetime ago, mate. Feels like a different man. But now, luckily, it's all going wrong and our listeners can enjoy the podcast again. Do you want to hear from our listeners, Rob? Oh, yes, please. What have we got?

It's the Lockdown Parenting Mailbag. but it's actually emails and there's no bag helen bettison so love the episode with jen brister about ivf i had ivf treatment and there's some very funny sides to it a couple of things when my husband went to the clinic to give his contribution into a small plastic bottle he said the room he went into had lots of really used porno magazines you don't hear the word porno do you very often really used used is bad really used implies oh my god matter do you think if you're running a kind of sperm clinic they're like oh we need to do a turnover that's like the worst job to be sent out as if you're like the the janitor you've got to do that online you're not popping to the shops in your nhs outfit are you dressed as a nurse well you know the jazz mates dress it we're not dressed as just as a nurse

you can't know that's you're doing that online aren't you you can't you chuck them out wouldn't you i'll just get wi-fi oh yeah i, who's not just getting something up on their phone? Who's touching that magazine? Who the hell? Do you want to touch the magazine? Is it because of COVID? No, it's not because of COVID, mate. No, it's because those wankers have been in it. It's on the front. It says January 1998.

Yeah, it's absolutely drenched in spaff, this thing. The armchair also had a plastic cover. I mean, this is, to top it off, the TV. He's sitting down. He ain't a leisurely one. That is an in and out job.

I tell you now, if it was me, I reckon I could get that done in 45 seconds. Rob, you'd be like that clip of Grandad in The Simpsons when he walks in and out of the door that people put on. Mate, I don't pride myself on much, but I can get that job done. I can get it done. Don't worry about that.

Do you remember when Stephen Gerrard got sent off with the first kick after he came on on half time and he just went straight off the pitch? That'd be you. In and out, job done, stood up, see you later. Wouldn't even take me trousers down.

Just through the hole. Just through the slip. I'm sitting down. Imagine that. Oh, no. Oh, my word. I'm just going to sit down and have a cup of tea and just... Do you know what?

There's actually some interesting articles in these magazines, beyond the pictures. There's a really interesting... Anyway, to top it off, the TV, which I can only assume to have watched porn on, had a sign across it saying, Out of Order. Oh, my word.

That is the bleakest room ever isn't it i mean really used dog-eared oh also one of the good sides is i never have to tell my son or indicate that mom and dad bonked don't use the word bonked no a scientist helped you and you were made in a dish he absolutely loves to know that yeah i've never actually i've never touched your mother it's absolutely fine but let me tell you about the bleakest room I've ever been in. The room of nightmares. Yeah. If you've got any IVF,

um, that sort of spank room stories, let us know. I just want to know the worst thing you've seen in one of those. I want details. How used is really used. Yeah. Now,

Robert Anthony Beckett. Oh yeah. Born January the 2nd, 1986 in Mottingham, London. All right. All information from your Wikipedia page. Yes.

Catherine Abel has emailed in your Wikipedia page. Are you aware of the children's names on your Wikipedia page? No, I don't think it says. It just says I've got two kids. Children, two. Gavin and Malcolm. Oh, yes. It's official.

It's official. It's basically, that's what you do instead of depot now, isn't it? It's what you do instead of depot. That's't it? It's what you do instead of depo. That's how you change your name. They haven't got a blue link, sadly. But yeah, they've changed your name to Gavin and Malcolm. So there are people that are going on your Wikipedia page that don't know that that's because you call your children

Gavin and Malcolm on this podcast. Yeah, people just think I've got two daughters called Gavin and Malcolm. He's the right card, that Beckett. He loves banter, doesn't he, that guy? He loves to laugh. He's called his daughters Gavin and Malcolm. He's the right card, that Beckett. He loves banter, doesn't he, that guy? He loves a laugh. He's called his daughters Gavin and Malcolm. Next time you're at AI. The thing is, Josh, it's 2020, mate. I don't see

gender. I'm a new man. Even if you are calling the men's names, you don't want to call your daughters Gavin and Malcolm, mate. You subconsciously said they're men's names. They're not boys' names, are they? Gavin and Malcolm, the names of men. I don't think that you're called that

until you get to 18. You know what we should? Email in, we want to find the youngest Gavin and Malcolm living in the UK, please. Together as siblings. Together as siblings. Does it exist? I bet those guys you talked to

at the Pirates barbecue were called Gavin and Malcolm. That's exactly the kind of names. Right. This is for you, though. Beth Ann Bickley. Hello, Rob and Josh. I love the podcast.

I was listening to episode 30, I Carried a Watermelon, and it reminds me of something that happened to me on my way home from the shops. The classic thing happened where you take your child shopping, and they want everything in the shop. I negotiated with my toddler that she could have a watermelon but in order to get it home as it was a bit of a walk she would need to walk and i would put the watermelon in the buggy she wrapped the watermelon in her blanket and put a hat on it we started houses we carried on walking at toddler pace but they soon caught up with us and just as we were at some steps alice jones offered to help me lift my baby

in the buggy up the steps i bet he did on camera as he bent down to take the front of the buggy he saw that it was not a baby but a watermelon a blanket. He could not hide his shock on his face, but he was too polite to say anything. So he just smiled awkwardly and walk away. I'm sure he thought it was bat crazy and didn't have time to say anything as he continued on his way. I'm absolutely obsessed

with what Allard Jones made of that situation where he helped a woman pushing a watermelon home while her child walks. Well, the thing is, you're never going to think it's a watermelon, are you? Well, you think it's an ugly child. No, I'm just saying, he would know it's not right, but I don't think you're straightaway going, watermelon.

Yeah. So he don't know what's happened there. No. It could be a really bloated ugly child, like a tiny jab of the heart. Because the worst thing to do of a parent of an ugly child. Like a tiny jab of the heart. Because the worst thing to do of a parent of an ugly child would be to accuse it of being a watermelon.

It's bad enough when you call a person's daughter their son or whatever when it's a baby. Were you to say, sorry, is that a watermelon? They were like, no, that's my child. That would be a huge faux pas. That's just what it looks like.

And it shits a pink with little bits in. Do you know what really annoys me? One of my bugbears is when, if there's a dog, and I go, oh, she's lovely, and they go, it's a he actually. They, oh, dogs look the same. I'm just, I'm not, the only way you can tell is see if he's got a dick or not. And that's not my first place I look on a dog.

No, if anything, mate, that would be considered rude were you to pick the dog up and examine whether they had a dick before saying whether it looked... If you picked it up, looked at his dick and said he's a nice dog, that would be absolutely inappropriate.

He's a good boy. Well, that's the way, when they find out the gender, they literally just look for a dick. I thought there was some sort of blood test thing or chromosome thing or some detailed check. It's not. They just look for a dick that's it i thought there was like some sort of blood test thing or chromosome thing or that some detailed check is not they just look for a dick oh wow i know how are they seeing that it's so blurry did you get the gender are you one of those people that found it out on the day we found it out but i could see from the scan of the second

one that was another girl could you because there was no dick because there's no dick i mean it's quite you know when they when they explain it, again, that does make sense. If there's a dick, it's a boy. If there isn't, a girl. But, you know, anyway, let's move on. Josh, this is a non-salty Josh. Non-salty?

Non-salty, because you've had a bit of unfair salt thrown your way. Love the show. I just wanted to share this picture of Josh that I've just seen on Tinder. Oh, no. What? What have you been up to what sender cross okay how's he doing how's he doing well we'll find out won't we oh yeah that is me yeah oh yeah surprise yeah you are so basically um he just said i should clarify it wasn't his account but that was someone who i assume is a fan so it's you with a bloke with a vaccines t-shirt on yeah that's it looks like it's at a festival doesn't it i mean from the way your face josh your face i'm doing a funny smile anyway so josh here we go so basically said i assume it's a fan we'll put this on the instagram account in this

photo josh couldn't be looking less salty even though I'm sure he'd rather not be posing with photos of strangers whilst trying to have fun at a festival. Although in closer inspection, you can perhaps see that he is not producing anything like a natural smile. No, I'm doing a comedy smile. Really resembles the gritted tooth emoji guy,

but he's clearly trying and you can't ask for any more than that. The girl said, sadly, the photo of Josh wasn't enough for her to swipe right. Oh. So is that that guy's main Tinder picture? Yeah, I mean, I'll be honest, mate. If I knew too much about Tinder, Lou would have questions, and I don't know.

I don't know if that's the main photo. I'm sure our listeners can tell us. But, yeah, you're either doing a comedy smile or you're absolutely off your nut, Josh. Well, I'm doing a comedy smile. I can confirm that, Rob. Fair enough. And I'll ask no more questions, your honour.

But you can decide. You can decide when I put it on Instagram. That's like a kind of, do you not do like a big comedy? I do like a, here's the joke, big smile thing. Yeah. Now you're saying it, I can see that. like a, here's the joke. Big smile thing. Yeah. Yeah. Now you're saying it.

I can, I can see that. I mean, let's be honest. I look like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit. That's what I look like. Yeah. Well, yeah,

yeah. A little bit Wallace and Gromit. Um, but yeah, no, but she didn't swipe right. I'm afraid, but they said she's very unsalty.

You had a picture and stuff. So, um, good on you, Josh. Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice. Nice. What's it taste like? Good on you, Josh. mermaid thing. Nah. It's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry

and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze.

And it felt a little like... Come on kids, back to the hotel room. Good night kids. Good night mama. Life's a trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Shall we wrap things up with a what would Rob do, Rob? Yes, please.

I mean, like, I've had a terrible week. At least make me feel like I'm, you know, useful. You're helping the nation. Yeah. I want to help the nation. Josh, I just want to help the nation. You just want to help the nation. So this is from Helen Farrow.

I'm looking for some advice from the oracle that is Rob Beckett. I have found out I'm expecting my second baby. I'm looking for some advice from Rob on how to tell my little boy, he's two and a half, and what to say to prepare him for the new arrival. Oh, okay. I'm hoping for some words of wisdom to try and prepare him for being a big brother and avoid total meltdowns when the baby arrives and he realizes it's here to stay

okay so what we did basically a present on arrival so get a present that the two and i don't know about so when the baby comes into the house they go oh your baby brother or sister has brought you a present back from the hospital and did your daughter know that you were going she was going to have a sister yeah so we sort of said that she's having a sister and his sister's gonna come and go look after his sister and that kind of stuff but what we did do is she was due to start preschool like literally the week the baby was due but we pushed it back to like the next term because we didn't want her to feel like a baby's here and i've gone yeah so we did push that back because we read a couple of books where they said that was,

and I think that helped. And then she had time to bond with the baby and stuff and things like that. But the present coming back in and just sort of not mention it all the time, but it's like, you're going to have a baby, excited about your baby sister and then get them a bit involved in like buying stuff like with them. So should we get that for your, you know, like baby clothes and stuff. But the present really worked and delaying preschool, I think think helped us because i think our thought would have been a bit like oh i've got i've gone and stuff but the present and delaying preschool helped us but

that's not very funny and probably too useful josh i think we've gone again no but do you know what that's nice isn't it what present would you suggest i think i've helped the nation have you helped the nation i think that think that it's been helped. What have the kid liked, really, to be honest? Probably an iPad to keep them busy. I mean, I'm very pro-iPad, as the complaints on the BBC have... Maybe some Aesop, some nice Aesop hand cream? I'll tell you what, just, you know, completely cover the three-year-old in Aesop. And even when they're crying and being mental, they will smell exceptional.

That is a good good tip now we've covered a lot today if you have anything on any of these topics this is how to get in touch email us hello at lockdown parenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdown parents or instagram lockdown underscore parenting and you can also send us stuff p..O. Box 76748, London, E99DW. Rob, it's been an absolute pleasure. I've loved it. It's been good, hasn't it? Yeah, it's been great, hasn't it? Do you know what, Josh?

Can I say thank you for doing this for me? I really enjoy it. Yeah, it's been, do you know what? And Michael, we should give a shout out to Michael, the producer. Yeah. He does all the legwork, you know. I mean, he doesn't do all the entertaining, funny stuff people tune in for, but all the other stuff he does.

Rob's going to have an absolute disaster in this edit. Love you, Michael. But yeah, I'll just say I've really enjoyed it. What a great positive thing to come out of what's been a terrible few months. You know what? It's good to let off steam. It's good to let off steam, isn't it? It's fine.

But yeah, no, I'm loving it. And I just want to keep doing more, Josh. Yeah, so do I. So do I. Because I genuinely, when I find out that you've been up till 2am and you've got to get up with the kids, it really does put a spring in my step. And also, ultimately, you've got, you know,

when I go, I go. When my head goes, it goes, doesn't it, Josh? Yeah. And you'll know that I'm having a bad time. And, you know, I'm glad I can be there for you in that way. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good because there's nothing as pleasant as other people having a bad time. Thank you for listening.

We'll be back on Tuesday with Chris Stark. Oh, that's a great chat. He's got a newborn. Four weeks? Yeah, three or four weeks. And I'm not going to lie to you. We've got the scoop on it. I think it might be the first interview he's a great chat. He's got a newborn. Four weeks? Yeah, three or four weeks. And I'm not going to lie to you. We've got the scoop on it. I think it might be the first interview he's given about it.

So, you know. Yeah, he's never spoken about his kids that much, has he? We're breaking down walls here, man. Exactly, exactly. Enjoy the show. See you next week. Bye.