Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP35: Chris Stark

Episode Date: August 25, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP35: Chris StarkJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is presenter and DJ, Chris Stark. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So let's be clear. When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay. But what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx. Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh. But let's say that... FedEx.

What? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx. What? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx, where now meets next. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm.

Well, I don't know. Mom's going to love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deals so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense.

Hello, I'm Josh Whittacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Lockdown Parenting Woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Oh, I like that. There we go. Absolutely nailed it. She was sort of laughing at the end. I love that energy. That is Jack Goodwin, age two. Did I say she? I thought it was a girl. Oh, no. I think a child's voice at the age of two, Rob.

That's the kind of mistake you can get away with. Oh, come on, mate. He's a girl or so. The balls ain't dropped yet at two. Come on, mate. What are you hanging around for? That is Jack Goodwin, short for Jacqueline. No, no. Jack Goodwin, our toddler

has recently taken to assigning ownership to inanimate objects based we are assuming on how much he sees the person using the thing. So far, Daddy has been assigned the oven, the hoover and the sweeping brush. Mummy has been assigned chocolate, cake and cider.

Such a great window into life. I swear, I can't remember. Catherine Ryan's daughter used to call white wine day wine and red wine night wine when she used to see her drinking it. Oh, my Lord. Imagine no alcohol being a parent. It would be brutal. Oh, my word.

How are you, Rob? I'm good, actually, Rob. How are you? Not too bad. It's got calmed down a little bit. There's a constant argument between my two that's quite frustrating that whenever we drive anywhere, they always want houses on the side. So they want to see houses.

So if it's just trees, it's boring. And then if one of them's got houses on one side of the car and the other one hasn't, they cry because they can't see the houses they don't actually care about but it's a competition between them oh wow and it gets really heated what a thing to be into and then they started looking for bungalows and then the oldest one there's a bungalow there's a bungalow and then i was like that ain't a bungalow and the other one's gone but i want bungalows and then we're just screaming about bungalows and i I don't like my life, Josh. So they're obsessed with houses.

Do you think they're going to get into property? Have you got two estate agents on your hand? Well, yeah. I mean, she'll get a lot of sales covering Aesop, wandering in like the queen of the castle. But no, I don't know what it is. It's just nonsense. It's just that they, because there's two of them,

they will argue over anything to prove a point. So whatever one's got, one wants the other. So it was just the first time that the eldest said that she likes houses so they like houses but if it was trees it would have just been trees they don't actually care it's more that they want to get one over on the other yes i can see that we have it in the car so if we pick my daughter up from nursery so she's it's almost like time to start bedtime when we pick her up from nursery it's like within the hour yeah and so often she's really tired so when she wants to go to sleep in the car she'll just get really angry and she'll tell uh rose will be sat in the back with her and she'll be like don't look at me don't look at me like don't look at me like

you know like when someone's like caught doing something they shouldn't be doing my two-year-old says she goes don't see me don't see me yeah and then when she wakes up she's she's an absolute effing nightmare said like the most middle-class east london living man a chuffing disaster so just oh can i just so does rose always sit in the back with her on a journey uh yes at the moment yes what's the transit what's it's a bit like brexit that isn't it we did that for a bit it's like you need a transition period isn't there like a new some sort of new yeah well i tell you what the problem is so we've installed the uh car seat we've got to face it forwards but we installed it facing backwards yeah and every time i remember that I need to make it face forwards

is about a minute before we have to go on a journey which we're already late for. And yes, you feel a bit mean if they're just facing the back. Yeah. So I know I've got to change that, but it never enters my head until it's too late. Like this is the first time I've thought about that when it's not us getting in the car.

Yes. And it's currently 10 p.m. And I'm recording a podcast and there's no fucking way that I'm going outside to do it now. Also, I've recently bought the four and a half year old a new car seat, but it's a bit more of like a grown up one, right? And they went, yeah, that one will do her for years. She'll have that one until she's 12.

I went, what? She went, that one will fit her for 12. I went, no, I don't care one will fit her for 12. I went, no. I don't care if it's against the law or not. I am not putting a 12-year-old girl in a car seat. Imagine dropping her off to year 8 at secondary school in a car seat.

That will do more damage than anything else. You can't stick a 12-year-old. They can't be putting 12-year-olds in cars. I went on a school bus from the age of 11. They weren't popping us all in car seats. It's not with their school bag, PE kit, car seat for the bus. I'm not going to lie to you.

It was a different time. We didn't even have seat belts. And I was just like, look, you can't put a 12-year-old in that. Your whole life path will be dictated by that car seat. You'll just be car seat kid for your whole time at school. That'll be your life. That'll be what you're known for. Whatever you achieve from there,

someone will come up to you and go, hello, car seat kid, how's it going? You all right? Prime minister, are you? Oh, yeah. How you getting to work? Car seat, wanker. It'll never go.

Oh, wow. So what age do you get rid of the car seat, do you reckon? Because I don't know these things. I don't know. I mean, I'm struggling now. I'm not worrying about the future. No. I'm not getting bogged down by a nine-year-old's car seat.

Do you know what I mean? You've got to pick your battles. It's awful, isn't it, when you have to take your test, but you're still in a car seat? Going out on a first date, is he picking you up? I'll get the car seat out of mine. Imagine being on a date. Are you all right to clip me in?

I just don't. Right. Have we got anything from our listeners, Rob? Yes, I've got a message on Instagram. We're on Instagram if you want to follow us. Follow us, lockdown underscore parenting. That's the one. And here's this one's from Steve. And he said, hello there. I love the podcast. My wife and I have enjoyed also as well. You know, it's lovely to hear it, but I assume you love it when you're messaging.

Well, that's what I assumed till that person messaged about how much of a dick I was on the last leg. Yeah. Hi, just Rob. I hate the podcast. I think you're unfunny, but I've got an interesting story about my childhood. But I too got a coin stuck up my nose here we go so my wife and i've enjoyed the pod because of lockdown we were expecting a baby boy and you guys brought a great angle to showing us the struggles oh god so these poor souls were listening to it oh my god children have been born in the time that this podcast has been going on josh it's unbelievable so four weeks ago my wife amy gave birth to a beautiful baby boy called albert we have already incurred our first parenting mishap we had misunderstood the whole elbow in the water trick for testing the temperature

we'd interpreted as you shouldn't be able to fill water on your elbow albert screens blue murder during bath times which was a concern. We decided to buy a water thermometer and ran a bath using the device. It turns out previous baths we had been running were basically an ice bucket challenge from 2012. We are able to look after Albert, so please don't report us to social services. He said, what's the funniest mistake you have made during parenting? That's amazing. I mean, you're so worried about making stuff too hot for kids. You do worry about too cold.

Yeah. I think this is a good advice, really, with kids. Just if there is a piece of technology that does the job, use that. Don't all these old people that go, trash your instincts. Oh, we didn't have it in our day. But you do now. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Did you have a sleepyhead, Rob? Yes. that only for the second one we found it really helped what a winner that was what a winner so it's like a kind of um rubber ring like that goes around them not rubber like a foam ring yeah it goes around them so we we managed to get rid of the sleepyhead because the baby was just so small in like that big area and it just makes it a bit more enclosed. But Ellis James, once the hero of this parish, told me that his daughter, Betty, they kept the sleepy head so long that she was basically lying on it

like it was a rubber ring in a swimming pool. He said she was like Ray Winston in Sexy Beast. out he said she's like ray winston in sexy beast you've got to give up those things it's difficult to get rid of those things it's difficult i think josh if anything ever happens to one of us ellis james should replace us and but still we should sort of like 10 of all earnings should go to the the dead man's family but i don't think he's not he's not gained the listeners, has he?

I'm sure he could hold on to them. I don't know. The first few weeks, I think he gained a few admirers for his work ethic as a father. I think he should do a kind of topless charity calendar of him doing fatherly things, but in a kind of sexy manner. I think so many of our listeners would buy it so you could have him posing naked but for a clock that says 4 30 a.m on it i think about ellis a lot you know and what i remember the image i have of him

is sat because he's sat on a window ledge looking out getting a bit of sun on his face sat on a window ledge, looking out, getting a bit of sun on his face, and sitting there reading, going, well, this is my life now. And me screaming, but he can't hear. It doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be, Elliot. Oh, dear. Right. We should probably do our guest for this week.

Yeah. We should just say, if you want to get in touch, this is how. Email us, hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdownparents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff, P.O. Box 76748 London E99DW. Also, thanks so much for getting in touch.

We are trying to get back to everyone, but there's a lot of people. So we will get through them all. So many great emails, so many great messages. It's genuinely, it's an absolute pleasure to read them all. Thank you very much. Right, go on. It's Chris Stark this week, isn't it, Josh?

Yeah, he's just had a second kid. Oh. This is the person we've interviewed who's the closest to a birth having just occurred. Yes. So we're very excited by this. They've got a very the closest to a birth having just occurred yes so we're very excited by this they've got a very it's a very interesting it's a bit of an izzy and ellis dynamic really with the schedule implemented this is one of my favorite schedules i've ever heard in my life i'm still i'm still rocked by the schedule i'm still shook to my core about the schedule and so composed for a man of a four week old baby.

But he's a great bloke. It's very funny. And it's really interesting. Do you know what? When he's talking, he reminds me of, you know, those when they say about a great footballers or he's got more time on the ball. Yes. He reminds me of kind of like Andrea Pirlo. He's always in space telling his anecdote.

Do you know what? I think he's one of the most underrated thinkers of his time. Exactly. We spoke about this. Where he has thought about everything at least once. So if you ask him, if you go to me now, what's your favourite food? I'm like, oh, give me three days, Josh. Come on.

I don't know. I quite like sausages. He would go, I've thought about this. And he brings you in. He's Bergkamp, isn't he? Yeah, exactly. He could just lay it off off left, right and centre. So here we are.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Matthew Littis here. I'm trying to do an analogy of Bergkamp, but it would involve Scott Mills being Nicholas and Elkira Henry and it just doesn't work. Anyway, Chris Stark. Hello, Chris. How are you? Boys, yes, good.

Thanks for inviting me on. I feel I should start with an apology. I thought I'd booked you, but I'd kind of half booked you. And then I sent you a text going, are you still good for this morning? There's a really wanky phrase in all of this kind of media world, which is you get a booking, especially in my case. media world which is you get a booking especially in my case because what happens is i i get put in a lot of things as a kind of um i don't know what you call it like a placeholder pencil they say pencil it in as you type it onto your phone yeah that's what they say they say pencil or heavy pencil right now i don't put any pencils in my phone because in my experience what happens is they then go and book rob beckett what's the point now the thing is josh very kindly invited me onto this

but there's been a bit of to and fro in and i've just had a baby so i kind of vanished for a couple of weeks and then josh asked quite last minute about coming onto this and then said i'll send an email to confirm maybe the two confirmed it wasn't in the message, actually. I've just made that up in my head. Email never came. And then I got some sort of panicky messages this morning. So I'm stood here. I've fired everything up that's in front of me, this little kind of studio setup, if you call it that,

that's in my little boy's nursery. And I'm here and I haven't got a shirt on. So what are you wearing? What talk is through your outfit, Chris? What have you got on? It's just really loutish, isn't it? No, i've got shorts on and i've got some of them trainer socks pants and then just no shirt it's like the easiest thing that i could have grabbed but then it would have been more wrong i think this is a more appropriate way around of doing things than just wearing a t-shirt

and nothing else oh yeah that would have been that would have been the worst thing to grab like the worst thing would just be trainer socks. Nothing else. Just trainer socks. So talk, have you had a shower, Chris? No. Sorry, this has turned into a sexy phone call more than anything. Are you dirty? How dirty are you?

I've not had a shower either, Josh. No, I don't. I reckon I shower one day in three at the moment, due to my life. Even in this heat? Yeah, because I'll do stuff like, I'll think I'm going to do exercise later so I won't have a shower now.

Like, it's just so difficult to fit it in. How often do you shower, Chris? Great question. And I was saying, you didn't get, sorry, the email I was sending you beforehand had a list of all the questions I was asking you. What are you wearing?

How often do you shower? I didn't even bother to ask. And couldn't you send me a list of all the questions i was asking you what you're wearing how often you shower i didn't even send me a picture of your dick yeah i don't even bother to ask if if there's anything that we should avoid with this but it's all it's all fine i'm sure yeah no i'm i'm on the one in three as well but i will say this josh i'm kind of lucky in life that i don't think my sweat smells oh wow yeah it's an odd one i'm not totally convinced in my theory there because you don't know if it's just one of those situations where everyone else can smell it but obviously you're immune to your own yeah i think it's the clothes people that sweat into a top if i sweat into a top that is in the wash or i'm going to set fire to it i will never put that back on it's the people that let it dry and put it back on then when you sweat again then it is an absolute

stink fest i think that's what it is it's not you it's true though we had a dj at radio one right who um got told by our boss uh boss is now left but actually had a word with the boss because the boss would walk past and was offended by how he smelt and it was exactly that it was a what it wasn't it wasn't him it was the washing that he was doing he didn't know how to do his washing properly it wouldn't it wouldn't dry when it comes to ready one djs just being smelly he's not the worst that's happened is it so exactly exactly it all falls into a? I've started in the last week showering with my daughter.

Okay. Is that weird? That's all right, isn't it? Instead, when she wants to have a bath... Yeah, yeah. Because it was so hot, we were like, do you want to have a shower?

And she was like, if Daddy has a shower, and then we'll both have a shower. And that's how I now fit my shower in. So I've basically got the same bath time as my daughter now. So I sometimes have baths with them, but I will wear swimming trunks or pants. But I don't know if that's weird how I now fit my shower in so I've basically got the same bath time as my daughter now so I sometimes have baths with them but I will wear swimming trunks or pants but I don't know if

that's weirder than going in naked I think that's weirder because right it's you've got some you've hit on something amazing here because okay this is right down the line in that there is nothing wrong with it at all yeah of course yeah there's nothing wrong with it at all of course yeah there's nothing wrong with it but some of us me included think that it's a little like there's something in the back of your head which goes is this like is this a bit weird right and and it isn't but it's just something in the back of our heads that's doing that so i i've always avoided it but the thing is that i think part of the reason I've avoided it is because then it's just another bit of peacetime for myself.

I'm totally exempt from the activity, you know, because my little girl, generally speaking, if it's like a shower time, because she's five, she'll be with her mum. Yeah. And so that's just another, if I can just about make it work and and the xbox if the xbox is on my side and there's no updates that need to be done you know if everyone's on their a game i can just about squeeze a game in without anyone knowing fair enough okay well no

it's just because they up kick young girls like my girls that are just obsessive well your bits different look at your bits. And then like, oh, and it just becomes the topic of conversation in the bath. And especially if you ever run out of bubble bath,

that is a bleak bath. It's just too clear. Do you know what I mean? It's like a Caribbean sea. Everything's on show. And I just, I feel, so I know we just

wear a pair of shorts, but anyway, I don't know. I picture, you know, Robin, one of those Victorian bathing suits

when you go for it. Yeah. Striped Victorian bathing suit. Fully UV protected. Anyway, Chris, we should ask you, how are you getting on? Because you've got, what's your setup now? You've got two kids now, is that right? I do have two, yeah.

So I recently had a little boy, as in three weeks ago. Wow. How are you? You sound fine for three weeks i'm all right the thing is because i've done a lot of djing i don't know if it's the same with comedy but i'm used to late nights and i'm used to being uncomfortable at night you know in the back of a car or like huddled on a train that sort of thing so actually i find the night times okay. If I'm brutally honest about it, I quite enjoy it.

So what I'll do is, yeah, yeah, it's not so bad. So for me, I obviously love my wife very much, but to make this work, what was happening is in the first week,

neither of us were getting much sleep and we're both getting in our way, each other's way. And the baby's kind of like crying and kicking off. And then it's, we're both waking up and we're both getting in our way, each other's way. And the baby's kind of like crying and kicking off. And then we're both waking up and we're both tired the next day. So what we've decided to do is separate it and do shifts. So my wife is really good at just going to sleep straight away. I can't do that. I've got to watch TV or listen to podcasts, that sort of thing.

So we've broken up the shifts. But what happens now is my wife goes to the room next door and then I've got the bed to myself and i'm i'm there i've watched the godfather i've watched scarface i'm re-watching the entire line of duty series yeah it's fantastic but have you slept well so i stay up till about four what with the baby or just watching telly well i say the baby's the baby's sleeping to be honest what are you doing you're seeing this as an opportunity to catch up on some box sets it works on so many levels and then i go in about five in the morning and just say to ria because the baby would just start crying i want to feed and i'll go and can we swap i i look at i get hero points for the fact that

ria's been able to sleep until five in the morning. Plus, I'm catching up on these amazing films and TV. It's unprecedented. The downside, boys, is I'm physically not sleeping much. You're on about an hour a night. Yeah, right. Everything's, if you imagine a scales right everything has pros and everything has cons and and my sleep is not the priority in anything really of course it's your blog about what's going on in the tv world isn't it that's the main thing so what time do you go back to bed then if you hand over the baby the three-week-old baby at five to your wife so what what time will you go back to bed then? If you hand over the baby, the three-week-old baby at five to your wife,

what time will you get the baby and your wife goes to bed? Like 10 or something? The whole routine because we've got a little five-year-old girl as well. So the whole routine obviously starts around, I think, around about eight o'clock, I reckon. Everyone's in bed at 10. And then ideally, and then what I'm finding is the baby tends to wake up a couple of times throughout the night yeah and if i've just nodded off or like feel i'm a bit tired i'll

pause the tv and then as soon as the baby starts crying again i'm up again you know hit play grab a bottle and then i carry on how is your baby sleeping through the cocaine crazed um murder that is being carried out by al pacino and tony montana is that is that baby sleeping through the cocaine crazed murder that is being carried out by Al Pacino and Tony Montana? Is that affecting the sleep, the machine gun? Yeah, but Rob, that's what they need to do, because if they can sleep through that, you'll never have any problems with any parties that you go to. Yeah, if you have to murder someone for a cocaine deal, your baby will sleep through. I mean, if they can sleep through Starface, they'll sleep through i mean if they can sleep through starface or sleep through anything okay so you're getting a defense so you're sort of between 10 and 5 you're sort of watching telly nodding off

feeding with a baby yeah i can't believe this is happening so then at five right you hand over the baby do you go back to bed how long are you allowed to go in bed for right now this is the genius bit so then at five o'clock in the morning so what tends to have happened by then is the baby has sort of gone to sleep i've i've dozed off right this is the baby's fine the baby's then woken up around about five yeah i've then woken up and instead of dealing with the baby i then go next door to my wife and say i and say oh should we swap over yeah now she's inheriting a baby that needs everything done to it at five in the morning yeah i look like a hero because it's five in the morning and then i crawl into the bed

next door and i i try and get like a couple of hours sleep there and then after that coffee's your friend okay and there you're that's your that's your hardcore sleep time that's like the the power sleep you get in there there's no interruptions there's no movies that's just you right he works his way through the sopranos at that point easier a bit more gentle that two hours is i'm by then i'm so knackered that i can physically fall asleep so it's all work the thing is everyone's just got to figure it out for themselves isn't they and um that's what's working for me hello darlings. This is Lisa Vanderpump.

Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards. And not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+.

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like it's not really work yeah i mean you can't just put water in your mouth and spit on someone you gotta prep that you can't just get some more uh gobbit on someone and go home you know you've got this forms and does it annoy you two that you both work in jobs that you probably both rate yourselves in but actually no one respects it as a real job yes 100 100 yeah especially other dads because the thing is you meet other dads and actually it's like we have fun jobs and people want to talk about them but no you can't really call it a job can you like i wouldn't respect either of you two as working men i thought i wanted to hear my entire life i thought i'd be working at all i think that's the thing isn't it I think it would be a lot easier as well. Because whenever I say I'm going upstairs to do some work,

like just for this, I do feel like it's not like I'm going to do some accounting or something. No. In the sense of it always feels like there's this implied mood in the room that I've organised this podcast to get out of parenting rather than it's an actual proper job, if you know what I mean. Yeah.

I started doing online streaming on a YouTube channel playing Call of Duty right and I was doing the other day and then my wife's mum and sister come around I went right you're right I've got to go and do some work and then I could see them staring at me with my headphones on and my controller and they come I come back and they went what are you doing I went I'm working she went no you're not you're playing playing computer games. I went, I know. That's my life. It's brilliant, isn't it, Teresa? It's actually disgraceful.

What it is is what we have managed to do is basically real-life sleeping lions. And the beauty of that game was always really it was an excuse to just have a sleep, wasn't it? And they've turned it into a game. Yeah. So do you think that your daughter, who's five, does she know what you do, Chris? Does she respect your job? I got this mad situation yesterday, right?

And this is one of those kind of clang situations. But for me, it was amazing. But what I will never forget is having to try and explain this to a five-year-old. So I got a letter completely out of the blue from Prince William yesterday. And I was gobsmacked, right? This thing turns up with a postage stamp from Kensington Palace. Open it up. Sure enough, this is a lovely letter from Prince William, right?

And I wanted to show someone this letter. And I didn't really want to like put it on social media or anything because i'm just going to get a load of abuse so i i go to i go to to erin to try and explain this situation so i go do you know what erin i've just got this letter from prince william and she couldn't have given a shit and and that's what i find like and i'm there trying to explain why it's important and just everything she comes back with is is so right and and everything she wants to know about the royal family is so right and it's like it's a hard one to explain this but i do sometimes think like would i rather view life how she views it or why am i trying to enforce my way of things yeah to to her because her way

seems way more fun and isn't it brilliant that something that obviously meant so much to me means completely nothing to her but for all the right reasons so what were her what was her reasoning that it didn't cut through in the way you'd hoped she said um what was exactly well she's really into this descendantscendants 3 at the moment. She's not bothered about Descendants 1 or 2. She's bothered about Descendants 3. So there's references that I don't fully understand because I've not watched the film totally.

Yeah. You have got time between 10pm and 5am to watch it if you want to watch it. And she's just like, why has he sent you a letter? Very good question, actually. Why has he sent you a letter very good question actually why has he sent me a letter do you know what i mean we we did an interview it's it's i've never followed up anything with a letter yeah you're not getting one from me chris do you know i mean i'm very thankful but i haven't got time to write a letter i mean i'm busy although it's it's i would love

that i work it's quite an old way of doing. Yeah. Yeah, I would like a letter from you both afterwards. Saying thank you. Yeah, it was complete non-interest, Josh. That was the thing. It was just complete... Well, I think when you're that age, you don't realise that that is an unprecedented situation to happen. Do you know what I mean?

The royal family doesn't seem as unattainable when you're five. She's not thinking wow, that's amazing, but I suppose the royal family are attempting to rebrand themselves to be more human, so they're doing stuff. She's not fully across it, is she? It's unbelievable that he's allowed a podcast to go out with people where

he can be a bit more vulnerable. He's aware of his sort of implications for the royal family. With all else that's going on, having something positive coming out, it's great for Prince William and my dad. She's only halfway through season two of The Crown, isn't she?

So she doesn't really understand how the royal family's developed. She can't connect with a new gen. There's something amazing about having kids where you're both on the same team, right? And you're just muddling through life, but you're coming at this thing from totally different angles. Her perception of the royal family is based on descendants three it's

based on i don't know all the disney films that have been out i don't know i just had this real moment yesterday and i think you occasionally have them as a dad and and there's certainly moments that at some point i'm sure in your life you look back on and go wow that was a really weird time yeah you know and and and yesterday yesterday was one of them but i do coming back to the job thing it's like i do actually feel like i do work quite hard um but genuinely no one respects that including my daughter you seem to be like pretty with it though to have a three-week-old and a five-year-old and has it been smooth sailing since uh your boy was born yeah so it's all been good it's uh it's been a bit different for me this time around like the fact i'm even talking to you guys because when when we had erin around about six years ago when we found out i was expecting

i kind of didn't really want to talk about her at all that's actually a wrong way to put it i really obviously wanted to talk about her but i felt very protective of her yeah and then i even found like with radio one and stuff like that i just i could have people taking the piss out of me about absolutely anything that's cool but i i just really felt like it's not something i could really open up about and allow people to have a bit of a laugh with yeah so i didn't really talk about the fact that i had a a kid and i just sort of let it be something that's totally private and completely away from absolutely everything that i do and then this time around when we were having Charlie like without going

into too much we'd we'd we'd kind of had a bit of a tricky time last year and stuff like that and and anyway Charlie has ended up being born and we're obviously so proud but this time round I don't know why I just feel like I just want to shout about him so much and that's why it was really interesting when you guys first invited me on onto this podcast at first everything about it was kind of like i really know i don't want to do it i don't really i don't really have a laugh about talking about my my kids yeah but actually it's something i think i'm okay with now and i don't really know why i don't totally know why that is i don't know if

you guys have felt a pressure to talk about kids from the off or if it's just something you haven't actually thought about just oh fuck it like you know we're just going to talk about being dads but I was so overly protective I think I definitely had the same thing where I didn't really want to talk about it on things and now obviously I've done a complete 180 but um but that's the lockdown for you that's losing all your work during lockdown I don't think Rishi wanted to furlough about nine million people either to be honest but things change no I I think I I don't know about you Rob but like I I mean this is just hilarious considering I'm talking about it on a parenting podcast with my name above the door.

But I did think, I don't want to become one of those comedians that won't shut up about their kids. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And now look at me. I think, though, in comedy, as a comedian, there's sometimes a lot of hack material about your kids just because, you know, a lot of people have kids and it is a source of amusement

and stuff like that. But I think that's normally just sort of not as skilled comedians make it hack. So then it puts you off doing it. But I think you can do little bits of stand-up about having kids and stuff. But I found with one child, it was basically I was just like, it's almost not like an accessory, but you just live your life and there's a kid there but once you have two your life becomes them and

especially as i get older and then you're you're nailed down with you've got to be close to school you can't go on holiday then because so it's just like a gradual thing when you've got one you just i remember taking a six-month-old to copenhagen with mates and we're going around at one point it was in a bar like nine o'clock with the baby in the buggy having an espresso artini. I thought, this can't be right, can it? Is this allowed? What I'm doing here? And then slowly and gradually, you don't really realise it.

But as you have another one and they get older and they have their own friends and their own classes and schools and stuff, your life is just them and you can't really help it, you know? So it's inevitable, really, that you don't do much else. And when you do have time on your own, you just want to lay down and watch Scarface again. Do you know what I's inevitable really that you don't do much else and when you do have time on your own you just want to lay down and watch Scarface again I mean there's no energy but I think I felt like that I think I felt that's really that's really interesting how you've

just put that because I think it's everything my brain was thinking but just can't articulate because I've had two hours sleep but I also think because I was on radio, well, I am on radio one. Hopefully I still am. When this goes out, I, I don't know if I,

I don't think there was any pressure or anything like that, but I, I panicked and was a bit, a bit like, cause I felt quite new still. And, and I think I, I was like,

yo, you've, if you have a baby, suddenly you, it's like you like you've changed. It's the young station, isn't it? It's the young cool station, isn't it? Yeah.

Did you feel like it wasn't young and cool to be a parent? I don't know. Because I'm super aware that so much of our audience have kids and actually be an amazing thing to share. But I just wondered if, I think, especially like around the time that we found out we're expecting i don't know like i kind of felt chris sorry when you was when you was first expecting how old are you now so it would have been like 26 yeah that's pretty young really like to have kids and then and you're on radio one which is there's a pressure to sort of be young and trendy as it were oh my god trendy i've radio radio one where like they've there's never been anything from that side or

any kind of pressure it's just like for me personally i felt like i still felt quite new i felt like it wasn't too too long after i'd just done that Mila Kunis interview and I felt like suddenly there was a bit more like I was doing a new show on channel four and I suddenly was scared to show an actual side of me which was the most important side for fear that it could go the way of like literally everything else which is I don't know that you seem to be like fun and young and exciting and new. And actually, with hindsight, that was totally wrong because what's been so refreshing this time is just being able to embrace it properly and talk about it. And the day after Charlie was born, I managed to go on the radio. We were doing the breakfast show and I just phoned in and just talked about, you know,

the brilliant midwives and, you know, just how happy I was. And it was so liberating and it was so lovely to see all the messages from people that come back a lot of people who said that they've struggled to have kids and and you know even just that little bit of radio kind of resonated with them and that was that was really nice for me and so it feels very liberating doing this podcast knowing a lot of people are hearing this and and it's a very different i hate people talking third person but i'm gonna have to for this but it feels like almost as a different chris you know the fact that i look back and i know i couldn't do anything like that then but i feel

like i can do it now i think that's great i think it's you know i definitely used to think you'd see people sharing their lives a lot and i still do it when you see people on Instagram or whatever and like come on mate that's a bit you're selling your life a bit there but I I'd always be like no you won't get me doing that or whatever but actually I think there is an element where the more you share people get to know you and that's the funniest the funniest things about you are actually the most honest things about you if you know what I mean yeah 100% and it's just kind of admitting that to yourself and the most honest things about you if you know what i mean yeah 100 and it's just kind of admitting that to yourself and the most interesting things about you are the most honest things about you because that's kind of what consumes you normally but you've got to have that you've got to have confidence and and a belief that that's okay and i i think that's the

same in in anyone's life and anyone's i don't think this is just about being you know on the radio or a comedian or a presenter or whatever it is people in other jobs that don't admit that they've got kids or something in case they're deemed as they're not going to be as ambitious as enough or as committed to the job because they've got families there's a pressure in all jobs yeah or just like you can be a group i was the first one out of my group of mates to have a kid and suddenly certain things stopped you know i i it's definitely and i want to talk about this in a minute because I definitely, don't you play golf, Rob? I've just started, yeah. Yeah, so I really need to kind of wangle this into my life

because like Crouchy was saying the same thing, you've got to have golf because it's the perfect. Have you thought about getting a, is there any golf courses open from about 1am to 4am because that well you could be you could be a multi-millionaire here josh off of this idea alone in my opinion what a what a brilliant idea that you open up the driving range at one in the morning fire up the lights and it's all just dads and their kids just rocking in a little chair behind yeah on the on the golf cart just in a little adapted golf cart with a net of a cot in it but i was the first one out my group of mates

to have a kid and and they were lovely and supportive but they didn't get it and life went on as normal for them and they would go out every weekend to go get trashed and and for me you know work was getting a bit busier but having a a baby, it was kind of weird. They were supportive, but I didn't really feel that I could talk to most of them properly about being a dad. And now that's really different. And I feel like they're all a lot more invested. And I don't know, maybe it's just that they're a bit older and they're used to having kids around now. Like, you know, I was the first. Yeah. It's awful when you go in their house and you don't realize how much of a house is a death trap until you take around your like mate's house who's like he's on his own out every weekend and there's just like ashtray there on the floor i'll just move that shall i yeah it's fine that candle's

a light no problem i think that's i because i was like a group of mates i've got we were the first ones to have kids and there's others that have got kids now but i genuinely I felt resentful I think in those first maybe three to six months and it wasn't their fault in any way but I'd be like they don't come around as much it's not they don't come around as much it's just that I was in all the time and so I wasn't going out with people every weekend and of course it's not their responsibility to give up their social lives no it's not their fault if you look at a Saturday right and lads have been working through the week comes the weekend yeah obviously my wife is getting a bit offended by the fact that she's and she's right she's like look they haven't they haven't come over what kind of mates and i'm like yeah but they wouldn't like they're

not the kind of person to come sit around have a cup of tea and hold the baby and things like that like yeah i'm sure they're very proud that i'm a dad but you've got to realize that your mates don't change the same way you do and nor should they no i find that boring and it's my own kid yeah exactly yeah and i don't like really going over to other people's houses to kind of to do that very little interest in other people's children if none at all if i'm brutally honest i'll tell you what surprised me is actually and come come back to what we're saying before is when you then have a proper conversation with your mates if you can do it it's okay that they don't change but they all they still sort of love you the same and then what's great is you then go

on a stag do even if it's a year later six months later and it's like it's never changed and i was so worried that all their life they were still doing these things and fun things like just being able to go to the pub three times a week or like champions league on a tuesday when i'm in with the baby they're all there watching it having a curry getting larry and and actually you then meet up with them six months later a year later nothing's changed they love you just the same and then you find that actually they've been getting on with things in their life and this idea that everything has stayed the same from before you had a kid it actually isn't true and you beat yourself up about it and also as well you i think you go oh

god i wish i could be doing that out with all the boys and stuff but some of them may be struggling to you know conceive of probably going oh god i wish i was at home with the baby like chris is it looks so lovely they're set up so everyone is sort of worried overly worried yeah exactly i think also you've got to remember is there any joy like that moment when the next friend tells you they're pregnant and you realise that you are no longer alone and they're going to suffer in silence with you as well. It's mutual destruction. It's that whole screwing over. Come with me.

Yeah, it's like getting a bunch of shots to an eye out. I'm getting drunk, you're getting drunk with me. Have another one, it'll be fine. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Robo code searching.

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Embrace something new at Starbucks. Introducing the Ice Lavender Cream Oat Matcha Tea Latte, a creamy drink where smooth matcha meets subtle floral notes from our airy lavender cream cold foam only this spring only at starbucks ice lavender cream oat matcha tea latte includes dairy hey josh i'm writing down this idea here. So this late night golf course. It's brilliant. So I'm thinking like a driving range open between those hours exclusively for dads with kids. And then the kid goes into, we got given one of these as a gift. And I thought it was fucking mental when I first saw it.

But it's brilliant. And it's a chair that you put the kid into and then press a button on it and it moves it in different formations so you can choose like rocking or um car or thing and and it just moves the whole chair it's like something off star wars you know it's the nuts and i think one of those just behind. Yeah, or just at the end of the driving range, you have to try and turn it on and off with a golf ball. It could be a real challenge. Yeah, or what you do, it's a bit sick this,

but you know the car, the machine, the truck thing that goes and clears all the balls on the driving range, but it's heavily fortified, right? What happens is you load your child into that van. It's all made safe for kids, right? Because it's heavily fortified yeah right what happens is you load your child into that van it's all made safe for kids right because it's heavily fortified so you put your child in there someone then drives them around the golf the you know the driving range so they're clearing the balls which is their main job but also for some reason when kids go into a car they fall asleep doing that and then all the dads try and aim to hit the truck like they do at the driving

range when the thing's clearing up the balls so every everyone wins you know well we've completely lost josh chris i don't know where he is but um thank you so much you've been an absolute joy and let's get a game of golf in and we'll put it out as a podcast yeah we've we've definitely got to do this a hundred percent also thanks thanks so much for having me on this. It's genuinely been so much fun. I'd love to – I'm not meaning to impose it, but I'd love to come on again because it's genuinely such a release to talk about things in a way that I don't think I've talked about before.

So it's fun. Fair enough. Always good. And also what's quite interesting, I think, having guests back, we can – you know, when you're talking about your kids, they kids they're always such a different stage and there's so much more to talk about you know what i mean so it's not like going like oh this podcast about your first day at work it's like there's always it's an evolving situation so always let's get you back on in a few months play a round of golf yeah well you know me rob like next next time you have someone cancel

i'm i'm ready to go always i'd also chris we going to tee off at 5 a.m will that help in your schedule bang on man raring to go up all night anyway thanks chris so much cheers lads cheers bye-bye well i think we should start by saying thank you to chris stark absolutely wonderful i can only apologize for my technical problems. Well, yes, but you can apologize to him in the letter that you're going to send. Say thank you. I'm very sorry. I was desperately trying to get my computer to work again in an attempt to kind of come back into the room. But, you know, I thought this is podcasting, mate. It's real.

And then you said it'll just add texture. Your texture went off. My computer's broke. It'll add texture to me coming back. It just sort of petered out. But it's fine,'s real and then you said it'll just add texture you texted me when my computer's broke just like it'll add texture be coming back it just sort of petered out but it's fine though isn't it it's not the stuff like that happens josh but um it was a great episode i think it's very open and honest we should get more vulnerable people that haven't slept all night and ask us to a podcast at 9am exactly i what i love about this show is you can swing from the absolute absurdity of someone watching Scarface at 2am to 10 minutes later discussing what it means to them to be a parent and whether they're willing

to admit that to the world. Do you know what I mean? It's mad, isn't it? Chris is a brilliant broadcaster. Obviously, I don't listen to Radio 1 because I'm 37. But I thought Radio 1 lost it when it started employing parents, if I'm honest. I think they should be.

Don't you dare. Poor old Starco. I think it's, yeah, it was really sweet, actually. It's weird because what I find interesting when we talk to people is, like, you have certain people that you think may be a bit more serious than others and stuff. And Chris Stark always had downers, you know, and he was really funny and silly and stuff.

But also, like, it really showed, like, how much it means to him being a parent and stuff and it's nice that we can chat about that and sometimes be a little bit more poignant than it is and just i had shit on my head from my kid which is funny it does happen but not every episode can be that exactly not everyone can have shit on their face that's what i'm not everyone can have shit on their face that is the first rule of comedy and And I should say to our listeners, do get in touch if you... Have had shit on your face. If you have either shit on your face or you want to wade into the what should I wear in the bath with my children debate.

Yes. Is Rob Beckett approved? Yeah, I just, yeah. I don't know what's right anymore. Do you know what I mean? I don't know what's right. Mate, it's 2020. I don't know whether I can show my daughter my knob.

I don't know. Can I show my daughter my knob i don't know can i show children my dick yes or no answer on a postcard it's 2020 it has to be your children rob i implicitly it's only your children even if it is your own children you can't just show them your dick if your dick's out because you're having a pisser in the shower fine but even if they're at my own children i'm not allowed to show them my dick that's a rule surely but even in the shower, fine. But even if they're at my own children, I'm not allowed to show them my dick. That's a rule, surely. But even in the mad new world, the new normal. I'm just going to have to put my hand up and go,

I'm not happy with this. You can't, in the new normal post-COVID, you can't do dick out to help out. You can't do that. Dishy-rishy, dick's out all round. Dick's out half price. Let's go to new normal. Thank you to Chris.

Obviously, he features on the Scott Mills show on Radio 1 and also on the most popular podcast in the world, the Peter Crouch podcast. I think Joe Rogan and Rosie Ramsey, I know something's about to say. Yeah, I don't know if they'd say it together. That'd be a strange duo to bump into. Yeah, Rogan just texts Rosie. You never guess what Widdicombe said about Star.

Yeah, sure, they're top three, but they're not the big dogs, are they? Do you reckon we should start going on other people's podcasts and just talk about ours the whole time? If we went on like the off-menu one, the food one and go, for breakfast, I'd have Coco Pops

because my daughter loves them just always bring it back around that's what we should do whenever we do someone else's podcast i'd love to i'd love to hear you getting stoned with joe rogan and discussing whether you should be a libertarian rob oh yeah anti-masker that's what i'm talking about talking about how the man doesn't understand firearms laws yeah exactly the nra do a lot of good work for charity this is a real podcast deep cut for anyone that just listens for a bit of oh no david tennant started doing a podcast fuck sake we're up against dr who now no it's his second series it's his second series oh really oh yeah no i didn't know i had

a first one and if he wants to come on and promote it david t's got four kids yes get him on okay well you gotta start reviewing us again because that's why we we need to reviews people yeah and we need you to rate us because at the moment number one in the charts is the good the bad and the rugby. What I can only imagine is a pile of shit. Do you know what? I've met James Haskell. I've seen what size he is. I think their podcast is exceptional. But Rob, if you want to call it shit,

you can call it shit, mate. Oh, yeah. Well, I've called it shit, I know now, so I'll have to just deal with that. I'm sure it's fine if you like rugby, but I don't. Well, have Mike Tinder along, because isn't he married to a royal yes

yeah I tell you what rugby it's the gentleman's game and I I've all you know what

sometimes when you haven't given enough time to a sport you can start you can fall in love with it so you know yeah let's get Tindall on

that'd be good wouldn't it Haskell Tindall Payne we'll see you there thank you for listening it's been an absolute pleasure.

We will be back on Friday where we'll be going through all of your correspondence. Shit on your face, shorts on your body, that kind of thing. Bye. Bye.