Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP37: Jo Brand

Episode Date: September 1, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP37: Jo BrandJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is a legend of British comedy, Jo Brand. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Earn the points. Share the journey. With the TD Aeroplan Visa Infinite Card, earn up to 50,000 Aeroplan points. Conditions apply. Offer ends June 3, 2024. Visit tdaeroplan.com for details. and your favourite McMuffin for only $4 plus tax. For a limited time, only at McDonald's. Exclude Egg BLT McMuffin at participating McDonald's in Canada prices exclude delivery. Hello, I'm Josh Whittacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky.

So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Ross Weddican. Rob Beckett. Very strong. Like a newsreader really strong um so that is Fleur to give you an indication

of just uh how many podcasts I've listened to during this period my daughter Fleur just came into the room stood in front of the mirror and said BBC Radio 5 live to herself so I took the opportunity to put her skills to good use and record your names in the podcast intro. She starts reception class in two weeks and is so excited. She's got the same energy as my daughter. The way she delivered that was so confident and precise. It's a classic sort of like needs to go to school age, where they're the absolute king and queens of their household. And they're like, I'm four and I can count to a hundred.

I know. Actually, Dad, that's not, you needed lemons from the shop? You forgot lemons? Actually? And you're like, shut up. You need to be knocked down a peg or two. Not your daughter. She sounds lovely.

Well, she will be in two weeks. April Reardon Davis, his daughter, Fleur. They're from Sandback and she says yes the M6 services now Rob how are you? alright not too bad it's been okay

shall I tell you a couple of things? oh it sounds like you've had a worse time than me go for it Josh no I haven't had a worse time I want to ask you about this so recently we discussed whether you take your clothes off

in the shower with your children or in the bath. Yeah. And you're kind of Victorian. No, well, I'm not. The problem is it's become, as soon as I take my clothes off, all they do is talk about my bits, look at my bits, laugh at my bits. Right? And it's a big conversation piece.

Is that because you've got weird bits or just that it's unfamiliar? Yeah. I mean, probably I should not be showering with an erection, but do you know what I mean? A body's a body. What can you do? Just to make it clear, I'm not showering with an erection with my children. Once again, every time we get off to a start,

that really sets the wrong tone to the podcast. Sorry, it's always me as well, isn't it? No, because they just always, as soon as I get naked, they just talk about my bits, and it becomes the focal point of what's going on. So if they didn't mention it, I happily shower naked but and get anyway so what what people have been saying am i going to prison no no no no no this isn't from people this is just a a similar conundrum and i wanted your view on it yeah kissing your daughter on the lips um yes i do do that i do do that and i think it's fine but occasionally and it freaks me out

because she hasn't got the technique down she's got her mouth open and it feels and you're like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa this is not this is not no that's yeah i know and it's like a wet one you know oh that's disgusting yeah where do you stand on that i wanted to i want i've never really thought about it because the eldest sort of just she's an age she shies away if i try and kiss her and i end up kissing like a cheek or on the head or something but the youngest is very much a give us a kiss good night and she's like full lips out like smooch kiss good night i've not really thought about it but i think it's fine but there has got to be a cut off. Well, I've got a friend, a comedian. He still kisses his dad on the lips.

Wow. He must be 40. His dad must be 65, 70. How do you feel about that? No, I'm not a fan of that. I kiss my dad on the cheek. I give him a kind of kiss on the cheek. Yeah.

Not the lips. Yeah. I think kissing on the lips is quite an intimate thing to do. I don't think I've kissed Lou on the lips for about three years. You what? Maybe not three years, but sometimes we'll go a few weeks. I just, it's a minefield, Rob. I'd like, you know, if our listeners have got any views on it.

Well, I don't know if you're a fan of Sam Fair's Baby Diaries and ITVB. Josh, are you a fan of that show? I don't know what that is it's not really your demographic is it your more it was i'm not gonna lie it was a show that went further and further away from me watching it the more your sentence continued okay well it's about sam fairs and billy fairs two sisters from taoi that had children around the same time and it was about them having about the mummy the mummy diaries it's called that's what it's called mummy diaries anyway so sam fairs his husband on it paul he's like 30 i'd still kiss his mum on the lips and that was all in the paper and it was a big thing of like is that okay is that normal thing

and they were very like it's absolutely fine it's just what they do but each their own but i think i'll probably start easing off the lips around like towards the age of about 10 potentially. And will you do it by just moving slowly away from the lips? So you'll slowly move down the cheek over a number of years. And then once I get to ear, I'll come back to centre of cheek. So there we go. We've got so much good correspondence. We should, before we talk to Joe Brand,

we should try and get through as much of it as possible, Rob. Oh, right, yeah. I've got some salty stuff as well, if you want salty. Or should I save salty for Friday? Does Friday feel salty? Should I do some, would you like to hear some stuff about IVF and wanking? Yeah, let's do that. And then we could do some salty stuff later.

I mean, it's a lot of salt all across the board. Okay. This is from Simram. I had IVF, which my friends thought was hilarious. Basically, my side was done at Kingston Hospital. Then my husband had to take my eggs in a heavy incubator on the SWR from Norburton to Clapham Junction, change them to the London overground,

then alight at Denmark Hill for King's College Hospital, where he gave his sample. So he had to carry the eggs? Yeah, the hospital recommended public transport due to the traffic on the A3. What a way to create a life. Could have been worse. Could have been Kingston, Jamaica. Flying that over.

Isn't that bizarre? That is mad. Just the thought of carrying like little eggs. Imagine like that. You know, like when you're carrying something, you really don't want to get stolen. That is the height of that, isn't it? That can't be standard practice.

Imagine doing a commute, holding your wife's IVF eggs, and then you've got to have a wank in a cupboard. What a day. How'd you come down from that? You get home. How was your day? It's a long story. So we've got loads of these, so I can't read out them all,

but there's ones with names like IVF Spathroom Nightmare, stuff like that. What? Do you reckon they wrote that in their work emails? I don't know. IVF spathroom nightmare. This is from Nick Chadwick, who I presume isn't the former Plymouth Argyle striker.

But if it is, welcome to the show, Nick. I just listened to the episode on your IVF wank room story, so I thought I'd chip in my experience. Firstly, my nurse winked at me as she gave me the sample pot which was a little bit off-putting bearing in mind was the most important wank of my life oh i mean it's a weird way it's not weird it's obviously a weird wank it's a weird wink isn't it and i think it depends very much on the nurse giving the wink well it's it's quite carry on isn't it it's quite like barbara windsor might do that in carol wanking yeah well if you're an older nurse say

you're in your 50s or 60s a little wink and it's like a younger guy it's almost to know about i know what you're gonna do but you've got to do it sort of like cuts attention but if it's like a 21 year old nurse yeah that's a bit like oh sorry have i just woken up in a 14 year old's dream it's like one of those fake letters that used to get sent into Maxim magazine about people's sexual exploits. Yeah. Sex Mad Mickey's inbox. You never guess.

I had to go and get a sample for the IVF for the old girl. Before you know it, this big boom woman came in winking at me before I knew it. I was having sex with her. Never happened. I'm just writing bollocks. Sorry, would you like a story from the other side of this? This is from someone who wants to stay anonymous. Okay.

I've just listened to episode 34, and the email from a listener who had IVF described the room her husband had to use to deposit a sample. I work in an IVF clinic as an embryologist and can confirm anything to do with the men's room is by far the worst part of the job. Bizarrely, on our office pin board, we have a username and passwords to order magazines. And a few times a year, one of us pulls the short straw and has to do a full clean out of the porn drawer.

I mean, right, clearing it out is a bad job. Ordering it has got to be the most fun job, hasn't it? Do you think? Well, yeah. Imagine being in an office and just going, right, what are we getting? You'll take, you'll all choose one each. And then you'll definitely get a really weird one in there, a really niche one. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Just like, and put it on the top and it'll be just like all feet. Just feet, just put it on the top and it'd be just like all feet. Just feet, just a left foot. We've been, we've been. Daniel Day-Lewis DVD. I know.

Wanking in a wheelbarrow. We frequently find the DVDs missing. Oh, right. What kind of pond life is nicking pornography from the NHS?

Haven't they been through enough? Do you know what? It's a nice memento when your child grows up. Hopefully it's not memento. That's a terrifying one. So is IVF, I'm in ignorance because I haven't done IVF. Do you always have to pay for IVF or can you get it on the NHS? I think you can get it on the NHS in certain circumstances.

So a lot of people pay for it because um time is of the essence i wonder if that impacts the level of porn you get going private is it a more dedicated one-on-one service the pornography or is it i imagine there's a lamination process in the private sector um uh we so a lot of people complained about the lack of ability to use their phones in these situations, in our emails. But she has said, we can't let patients use the Wi-Fi because the content would be associated with us as a business. So that's why you can't be using the Wi-Fi

because people would be looking at all the sites you visited. But I would say, get on your own 4G. Yes, it will hit your data package. But this is already the most expensive wank of your life. What's another 15 quid bolt-on going to do? Exactly. Do you know what I mean? Get on the phones at EE.

I need a bolt-on for this month. Why? Because I'm going to have a wank at a hospital. I need 4G. I would say you need to be clear that it's an IVF-related thing. Because if you say, I'm going to have a wanker at a hospital, that sounds like one of the darkest things that's ever happened. Yeah, and that's a promise.

It's not a threat. It's a promise. I do feel sorry for people that struggle, you know, because you know what it's like. People have different sex drives. Some men are bigger wankers than others. So if you're not a massive wanker right and even when you are it takes a long time because some people people are different yeah it must be a

terrible place to i want to know anyone we don't want names i want to know if anyone works in one of these places what's the longest it's ever took someone what's the world record you must have a score chart on your wall i wonder if anyone's ever fallen asleep afterwards. I think they sometimes. Well, surely there's a score chart in the office about who was the longest to have a wank. And then I forget people are professional and I'm not. And that's the kind of thing I used to do in an office. No, but there's that dark humour, isn't there?

Like, you know, when people work in like places where there's death and stuff, they'll make jokes about it. So I think you've got to see the humourous side of your job in this situation you've got to have like two chalets haven't you like the top gear chart you've got to have quickest and slowest yeah i'm surely yeah and like a color chart going from just like you know white to like neapolitan ice cream all the colors um rob yeah i think we should draw a line under the wanking. I mean, yeah, I've had this conversation with my wife and mother over the last 20 years.

Sure. If people want to get in touch, Rob has asked for a certain inside knowledge from the IVF industry. If you have that, or if you have taken any eggs on a longer journey than the journey from Kingston to St. Martin's or wherever it was, this is how to get in touch.

Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdownparents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff P.O. Box 76748 London E99DW. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know. Mom's going to love it.

She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it. She complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deals so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense.

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Cracking guest this week, Joe Brand. An icon of comedy, I'd say. British icon. Yeah, I'm loathe to use the word national treasure because it gets bandied around too much, but you know. Also, lovely lady, very funny comedian. But, you know. Also, lovely lady.

Very funny comedian. Also, you know how someone's lovely. When my agent, who has been in the industry for 25 years, Joe Brand asked, doing some charity gigs for Joe. And then he replied, anything for Joe Brand. Oh, there we go. So that gives you an indication. Yeah.

After 25 years in the industry of what Joe Brand's like. But I'm sure he said anything for, insert client name, at many points for his talent roster at different stages. Rob will do anything. Rob, anything. Anything. Any work. It's just the intonation, but I imagine he meant it in a good way.

But Joe Brown's an absolutely lovely lady and very funny. Anything for Rob? Is there anything for Rob that we've got? Anything. Literally anything. He'll do anything you want. Anyway, Jo Brand, absolute diamond. Here she is.

Hello, Jo Brand. How are you? Hello. I'm very good, thank you. Before we started recording there, Jo, you were saying that you're, well, what is your setup at home first for the listeners with children?

My setup at home is that i have two teenage daughters and one is 19 and one is 17 all right okay so um so quite intense you you had the a-level stuff well yeah yeah one that one is um first year at college and the other is is sort of in between GCSEs and A-levels. So she's in the first year of A-levels. So she's not been touched by the hand of Satan. She is all right this year. All right. She's swerved the Gavin Williamson treatment on the A-levels. Big time.

Big time. You were just saying that you've just joined instagram and uh your daughter but your daughter's like uh quite quite big on tiktok is that right well she she wasn't i don't think but uh but and fairly recently she's just i think she's just found the formula that really kind of um you know pulls people in and i think the thing that she did that um people have really loved is she shows a clip of someone falling off a roof in tracy beaker set to music that's where we're all going wrong everyone it's very niche but effective but you say very niche there rob but i mean that's half a million people she's

got all having a look there that's quite impressive isn't it well yeah me with my 17 women over the age of 80 who don't really know what technology is all about so you've just started on instagram is that about two or three months ago yeah what's your instagram name joe i didn't even know you it is i am not joe brand you've got 52 000 followers joe which is very good well thank you josh is it do you know what i think you're an influencer oh crikey yeah it's a lot of pressure joe big pants adverts for me then needs us in a pandemic i'll take an advert all day do you think your daughter's dropping the joe brand kind of you know saying i'm the daughter of joe brand on tiktok joe do you think that's the last keeping well away from that for fear of retribution

can i ask though so joe you um you've been in lockdown then and you've your daughter still live with you at 17 and 19. Yes. Is that like living with adults? When we spoke to Jack D, he was enjoying his children being that age because he could have a beer with them and he could actually chat to them. Do you find that? Yeah, absolutely. Because, I mean, I get on really well with them.

And I think what happens with every generation is that you do the opposite of what your parents did. And my parents were very strict and I wasn't allowed to do anything. And consequently, I did everything at about the age of 11. And they threw me out at the age of 16. And we didn't speak to each other for absolutely ages, for years. And so I decided that i'd do it the other way around and will not exactly be you know ultra liberal but just like not kind of

be strict and not be forbidding and just talk to them about things and let them make their own decisions about oh i don't know stuff on the internet and that. Because I think the irony of sort of adults trying to ban children watching stuff on the internet when an adult can barely press a button is ridiculous. So, you know, unless I employed someone from MI6, I wasn't going to be getting anywhere, so I didn't bother. Alison Hammond had that problem. She bought a Wi-Fi blocker for her son to stop him playing on hisbox and then he worked out how to do it and then just blocked all of her devices

and allowed his i don't think it's a fight you want is it with teenagers it's not really you know and they are going to get around it and they are going to sort of do what they want so i think you just have to you just have to trust that you brought them up not to be, you know, international master criminals. Yeah. So what kind of things have you struggled to be liberal with them with, Jo? Do you talk to them about all kinds of things? And, you know, are you very open with them? How has that worked out? you very open with them how was that well i think it kind of like i when i was um when i was a nurse

i went out with this guy whose dad was a psychologist and he kind of did mainly sort of sex type psychology you know he he looked a bit like that guy who who was in the joy of sex book do you remember him yeah yeah guy with the beard that looked like why would anyone ever have sex with you mate bless you and so this guy was really really embarrassed about the fact that you know every bookshelf in their house was lined with books about sex and his parents were continuously harassing him to talk about sex and say what he'd done and did he enjoy it? Oh, can you imagine? So I've sort of laid off that. And if they want to talk about it, that's fine. But I don't kind of pressurise them by being, you know, liberal mum and going, oh, let's all watch some porn together

and see what we think of the curtain. Yeah, that's quite liberal, isn't it? It would be a bit, yeah. You said you was a bit of a tearaway as a teenager, Joe. I heard this rumor about you, Joe, and I don't know if it's true or not. I've always wanted to ask, but did you used to do street racing in cars? And then you'd pull up in your car and then sort of think, oh, she won't be good at this, and you used to absolutely smash them.

Is that true? Or is that a mad lie on the surface? Well, it's partially true. I once had a race from Camden down to the river with Mark Lamar. And it was really exciting. Because where were we? We were on the Holloway Road, I think. And I came up to a T-junction and he went past me backwards

on the main road which was um quite entertaining and um I did I did actually beat him down to the river he'll say that I didn't but I did all right that's where it's come from can I ask what point in you and Mark Lamar's career you were racing I would say as long as there aren't any police listening in i won't pinpoint the actual day but i would imagine oh it was when um oh god we were doing like the red rose and the tnc too so i would imagine it was about five years in so i started in 1988 so it would have been 90 92 93 something like that and you beat him but he did have phil jupiter and sean hughes in the car which is yeah exactly telling him what to do shouting over him as he's driving exactly but i did actually go on after that and i did get my

international rally driving license as well so i did smoke about fire no i know i know joe i was gonna say as well like um, because, like you say, you're a bit more relaxed and liberal, but has there been moments when that's what you thought the kind of parents you were, but actually you went a bit farage out of nowhere? He's like, no, you can't do that. Have you ever had the moments with your daughters when they've done something where you've sort of changed slightly from that liberal stance?

Oh, I'm just trying to think. What do you mean lately when they were teenagers? Yeah, because I think I have that idea that I'll be quite a chilled parent and then stuff just happens. You're like, can't do that. And then before you know it, you've backed yourself into a corner.

I can't imagine you being a chilled parent, Rob. No, I can't either. I'm trying. I've started ignoring them recently when they don't leave me alone. Is that chilled or is that just bad parenting? I don't know. That's all right.

But I think when they get to teenagers, the motto is lower your expectations. And so then anything they do, which is sort of slightly outrageous, which I have to say mine, you know, they've done all the normal stuff like going out and going to parties and all that sort of thing. But they've never done anything as bad as the stuff that I did when I was a teenager. So that's the yardstick that I measure it by, really. What were the worst things that you did as a teenager, Jo? Oh, well, I mean, I took every single drug under the sun a lot.

And what did i do oh i know i just used to do i used to do like stupid risky things i used to hitchhike a lot on my own you know stuff like that which people would never do now i went out with this guy for a while who's a millionaire who um who like treated me really badly so i broke into his house while he was on holiday through the dog flap would you believe i was quite thin then and um i stole all his pants and i burnt them in his garden on a big bonfire stuff like that you know i like a dramatic sort of uh you know statement really yeah that is quite impressive and it's also sort of quite was it do you think an attention-seeking thing that you then once you started doing comedy you got that

from an audience do you reckon that was that was part of why you acted out like that well yeah i mean my rather sad um sort of attempt at therapy is that because my dad suffered from depression i know this is like so a to b simplistic but i always thought it was about me kind of trying to make him laugh really yeah i'm sure a therapist would just laugh me out of the room if i did that theory just go in play the therapist sit down and go i've worked it out i'll just tell you what the answer is before i start this is what i think's wrong with me can i have and how was it when they were younger then jo Jo as well like balancing she was like you know such so successful and so busy and touring and stuff like that how was it as like a working

mum essentially well I think two things first of all uh Ben my husband was at home all the time which was brilliant you know because I couldn't have done it if he wasn't. Because I found it quite difficult kind of letting people in from outside. We never had a nanny or anything. Because I think, you know, when people sort of do know who you are, they are a bit weird with you. And, you know, we had one health visitor who so weirdly, she went and gossiped about me and our house and our kids and everything to someone at a party i live in dullwich right the party was in biggin hill which is about 20 miles away from us and the person she gossiped to by pure chance was my sister-in-law so um I know what the chances are that as Harry Hill would say so you know she got found out and um but it just sort of slightly put a chill through me that that that's what people do or you know they'll come into your house and then burn all your pants

those kind of people you can't trust them Josh you're so right but I never treated anyone like that guy treated me actually that's not quite true But I never treated anyone like that guy treated me. Actually, that's not quite true. But I never treated anyone that badly. No, it wasn't quite true either. But anyway, you know, I was always nicer. I was. And I'd say, Jo, like as kind of someone who's observed your career since kind of the mid-90s, your persona has changed.

You know, you were quite a kind of deadpan comic when you started out and now you're kind of, you know, you present the bake-off extra slice joe do you think that's kind of closer to yourself as a parent uh oh god yeah definitely i've certainly never do deadpan with the kids and i don't try i don't try not to do jokes either because that's oh the worst thing you can do but no what i'm like now is far more what I'm like as a person, really, I think, probably, yeah. I don't do the man-hating thing with my husband that often either. It must be weird when you are sort of more deadpan.

Like Romesh, for example, I've been with him and his kids and stuff and just chilling out. And if he tells them not to do something he tells them in the same way as he would go oh well done because he's the way he delivers everything and even I've done in 10 years and I still can't work out exactly what's going on and so his kids look at him they're telling off and they're like is this a bit or you're just telling me off I don't know what's going on here but maybe that's quite a good tactic to use I'd never thought of doing that but um just confuse them into good behavior he was a teacher as well wasn't he and i think teachers that are sarcastic are always a bit frightening yeah well my wife is a teacher

and some occasionally she will tell me off in a teacher voice oh lord humiliating it's really it's an awful dynamic in using old old, have you ever used any of your psychiatric nurse training as a parent, Jo? Well, yes, I think I probably have. Because the big thing about psychiatric nursing, really, is because I worked in a very high kind of, you know, there was a very high potential for violence and people getting out of control because it was an emergency clinic. I think the one thing that I that I learned to do was to at all costs keep calm and pretend you don't care. That's actually quite good for comedy as well. And if you look as if you don't care, people genuinely think you don't.

if you don't care people genuinely think you don't you know so whenever there were kind of tantrums when they were small when they were much smaller when they're like two or three you know I never ever let it kind of sort of get out of control with me because I just think that made things 10 times worse and I've seen parents do it really lose it I saw one today in a restaurant and they properly like the kid lost it but then the mum started properly arguing with him. And it just made it worse and worse and worse. I'm not going to lie to you, though. It was a great watch. Yes, I bet it was.

Oh, yeah. When your kids behave and they're kicking off, it's absolute gold, isn't it? It's a dream. It's the summer holidays as well. Coming off the back of lockdown with the summer holidays and, you know, the fear of potentially schools not starting again. It puts a lot of pressure on parents when they're working and stuff like that. And I imagine, Jo, how was it for you as well?

I know Bern was at home a lot, but did you get home late and then get up in the morning to try and see the kids and stuff? Because it's hard when you get home late touring. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, I did all the time. I mean, for, you know, for five years, I probably got roughly three hours sleep a night. Yeah. And you just kind of get used to that in the end, you know, it was, it was all right, really. It was fine. And also I actually really did sort of think about what work I did. I never did anything where

I had to go away from home for very long. And when I used to tour, I used to, I can't believe I did. I never did anything where I had to go away from home for very long. When I used to tour, I used to, I can't believe I did this now, but I used to come home every night. I know. Wow, that is insane. The best bit of touring is not coming home, Joe. What are you doing? I know it is. I don't know.

I just kind of thought, I can't do that. You know, I never did more than one night anywhere. And I think the furthest I went was Newcastle that's quite a long way home um yeah and actually one night um when Eliza my youngest was really really young I flew up to Edinburgh in the afternoon and then after the it was a tv thing uh when that finished at half 10 I got someone to drive me home. And I got in at half four in the morning. And I can remember, like, the front door opening and Bern just, like, handing her over to me.

She was screaming her head off. And poor thingy had just been up all night with us. So, yeah, anyway, those are the days. Yeah, I mean, I remember having an argument with Lou about, like, a similar sort of scenario like that when she just went to hand me the baby. And then she was going, but you get to sit in a car for two hours driving somewhere. And I was like, oh, my God, what is our life when that's a good point? Like that's the thing the people in the relationship are jealous about, the commute.

It's so true, though. I mean, you must do that as well you keep that sort of tally in your head right down to the last second of how long they've sort of you know done done their sort of child duty and how long you've done and if it's half an hour more than a day you're like right at the start we said to each other we will never argue about who's the most tired okay because someone might be but it's not going to help it's only going to so we're just never we're just going to be both tired like that and it wants us in the shots and he was desperate to have a row with me she went i did this and i did this i went no we said we'll never make who's most tired of competition she went it's not a

competition but if it was i'd fucking win i'll tell you what go for a coffee and i'll have the kid for a bit. A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives. The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at Michigan.org. Hello, darlings. This is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me inance for a new reality show

meet my hand-selected staff as they work live and play at chateau rosabelle their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests and of course they'll have to meet my standards and not everybody has what it takes vanderpump villa has first class luxury and world class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. So how old are yours? They're both pretty young, aren't they?

So mine's two and a half. Oh wow. And I've got two and a half and four and a half. Oh my lord. Yeah, well, yeah. Well, my sympathies. Because you had two girls two years apart, didn't you? Did they bond and play together or were they quite separate? Because I think it goes one of two ways, can't it, with siblings?

Yeah, absolutely. No, they bonded, thank the Lord. And, you know, I would have had them closer together because, like, when I had Maisie, I was 43, and I kind of thought oh Christ me poor tired old womb's not going to manage another one of these things so I tried to do it like straight away and it wasn't as quick as I thought it would be because I always remember um that singer Macy Gray how many days are you saying a straight away Joe how quickly oh my god as quickly as I could I mean that they are actually what what are they, 20 months

apart, which is like quite a long time. I always really admired Macy Gray had two children within the same calendar year. Yeah, I know. God almighty. I always really admired that, though. That is commitment, isn't it? It is.

There's a comic I know who's got kids very close to each other not not quite macy gray but closer macy gray than you i mean let's use macy gray as a benchmark people will send in other famous people that have had children excluding twins we need to know with that top gear board who's above macy goes it goes to the spacey gray joe brand who's number one let's not rule out macy gray as just a long a long labor of twins i try and say goodbye it's another one macy no but i've got a friend and he's got kids he'd be between you and macy gray joe oh right he was like

yeah it was just an accident really and i was thinking mate i didn't come close to that accident until we went we went close to having that accident if i'm honest with you wow tough choice of words there josh yeah sorry i didn't come close to that accident. So Macy Gray and Joe Brown are the turnarounds. Yeah, do right in. I'm going to find myself right at the end, aren't I? And people go, 20 months. That's pathetic. I accept that.

But you've got to add my age in there, you know, that I was panicking. I think we need some sort of like equation that, you know, the time between the kids, but also the age of the mother does impact on the turnaround time. Absolutely. Also, while we're here, can I just say one thing that's always really impressed me? It's that my mum lives in Ludlow in Shropshire and there's a family in Ludlow. She's a social worker in child protection. This is not a child protection issue. Well, it might be because there was a family in Shropshire and this couple had 22 children.

Oh. And there's two football teams, which means that you can actually kind of come. But apparently they got a letter of congratulation from the Pope. But apparently they got a letter of congratulation from the Pope. So I was very impressed all round with that, really. I know. Imagine the cost. I know that's not the thing to think about.

Imagine Easter. Imagine the Easter eggs. Feel like a warehouse of things. Rob, you're not focusing on Christmas. That's not what your fart was. And how much time did you have off work, Joe, before you went back gigging? Because, you know, with stand-up comedy, you get rusty so quick. And in this pandemic of just five months off,

I just was so, like, stressed and worried about it. But you forget that, you know, all female comedians, if they're having kids, go through that, and then they've got to try and everyone else has been gigging. like stressed and worried about it and but you forget that you know all female comedians if they're having kids go through that and then they've got to try and everyone else has been gigging what how did you feel about that of trying to like get rid of that rust and get back into the swing of it well interestingly i think i was off for about five months and then i got offered um a thing called fame academy for comic relief right well you don't turn down the big jobs, do you, Jaya? That's the thing.

Well, I tell you, the really interesting thing about it was at the same time I got offered Trinny and Susanna right after it. And if I hadn't got chucked out of Fame Academy on the day that I did, I wouldn't have been able to do Trinny and Susanna. And segueing into that just, like, opened so many doors for me and kind of, you know, got me you know got me back that was like a kind of iconic thing you did the Trinny and Susanna that was like an amazing kind of like I really remember you big on that so you were you were just five months into being a mother at that

point I was and I was I remember doing Fame Academy and Berne was driving up every day uh with Eliza who's the 17 year old just so that i could uh breastfeed like around the back at fame academy and then taking her home again it was all pretty i don't like to think about it really it was all stressful but um yeah there we go but i imagine it gave you when like richard park was criticizing your singing i think you you can give a fucking shit mate i might talk 3 a.m i know i just want a bit of fucking work parking give me a chance we're out of game for five months i think the thing is i mean my my sort of motto over the years really with having kids and that has been what pays the most for the shortest amount of time and um who was that there was some critic that used to really slag me off and he basically said

in one review um he said oh joe brown has done every piece of shit program going and i'm not going to complain about that because he's absolutely right you know i did because i just wanted to maximize my earnings in the shortest amount of time so i could just get back home and lie face down on the bed and goes to sleep for two days often when you talk to people they've got two kids they're like very different characters but they're are they similar characters and are they can you see your what can you see of yourself in them oh they're totally different which i really like you know um i think the youngest eliza's probably more like me whereas maisie is is i'm very envious of maisie the oldest because she's kind of calm

and she's almost like you know she's almost like a sort of little kind of little kind of center of calm that wanders around and everyone goes oh it's amazing and calms down oh i do the opposite of that to people so uh you know so it's lovely having a daughter like that it's really nice well yeah like you say that a different sort of energy than you which is you know a bit more i think people are a bit more i think people are quite intimidated by you i hope so i think well just because you're really you're such a yeah i'd say like an iconic figure of british comedy like joe everyone knows who joe brand is and it's sort of it's like the same as when i first met vick reeves like oh my god it's vick reeves it's sort of these real heroes of comedy when you first started to see it on tv you know as a kid and stuff I'm really shit at taking compliments but

thank you very much anyway but what I would say it was all acting the whole lot as it was when I was a nurse you know and I think if you act that you don't care and you just say what you want people kind of think oh blimey but actually I'm really not like that at all but I quite enjoy acting it sometimes when people are winding me up how how was like parents evening and stuff like that because I imagine if you're you know giving bad feedback on Joe Brand's kids I'd find that quite a scary prospect how was that well you know again it was just sort of I tried to to kind of be like a different person really with all that sort of thing I mean I think when you're a parent and you're kind of a recognizable person off the telly or whatever it is you can go one of two ways you

can either immerse yourself in the whole school community and then everyone um gets to know you you know and my my thing was always i'm going to be there so often that they'll be bored shitless with me after six months and yeah and no one will care you know whereas if you're kind of woman of mystery and you turn up occasionally in a pink rolls royce looking like you know there it's going to be like really really weird so i just got stuck in and with the the girls at their secondary school i was i was a governor there for five years and i used to do like a lot of public events and that and help out at all the fairs and the christmas stuff so you know they were fed up with me really whenever i hear someone saying they're the governor i just

think they had a fight with everyone and beat everyone i went in tooled up showed him he was boss i find it quite interesting to talk to if you've had the kids you know the whole way through to the end of being a teenager what were the kind of stages you found the easiest and the most difficult well i think one of the most difficult things with your kids for me, because it's just painful, really, is their friendships. And, you know, the sort of low level bullying that goes on that I don't know why I'd either forgotten it or not experienced it. But I mean, because they're both girls, I find kind of groups of girls at school, they can be like so difficult to manage really because they're so unpredictable and they will do this thing of just pushing someone out of the group for absolutely no reason at all.

They do it to everyone. It seems like they have a rotor for it. But there's nothing more painful, I don't think, though, you know, than your kid being the one that it happens to and trying you know trying to sort of hold back because basically i mean i'm the sort of person that wants to go around to someone's house and set fire to it but yeah obviously not really allowed so trying to get through the dog flap again and burn all their pants that's the main approach I know that when you even you talk about that then I felt like a rage and fever go for my body

that like I would need to kill someone just and even it wasn't about my daughter but that feeling of being powerless that that's happening to your daughter must be so horrible well it's so hard and I think some parents don't manage it you know and um well my dad was a bit was a bit like that I mean thankfully I didn't get bullied at school but he did used to sort of go off at the slight at the drop of a hat and so I'm quite glad that we've never done that I mean although there was obviously good reason sometimes I think but you know you just have to hold back because it's more embarrassing for you to go and confront someone's parent than to actually just leave it you know yeah because it really is if they're doing that to you just want you need to give them a wide berth and swerve them you don't want them to be your friends if they're treating you like that i think sometimes we go you've got to go in that she's not

being their friend anymore you go like well that, that bridge is burnt, essentially, hasn't it, really? Yeah, exactly. You've just got to be there for all the fallout that happens, really. Oh, God, I'm dreading it. I'm absolutely dreading it. It's not easy sometimes. But, you know, at least the one thing is that every parent, you're all in the same boat unless you're the parent of the kid

that's really horrible. And I'm sure that neither of you will parent of the kid that's really horrible yeah i'm sure that neither of you will be oh no i i think that's worse when my daughter was at nursery and obviously there's lots of biting at nursery yeah so it was the end of the day and we were picking her up and they kind of came over to us with a an incident form yeah and i was like oh god she's gonna have bitten someone and when they revealed she'd been bitten i felt like i'd won the lottery the relief that she wasn't the biter mine got bit excellent

oh thank god yeah she's been bit yeah thank god i'm breeding a victim rather than a bully i know what you mean though i mean it is it's better for them not to be the bully yeah i mean in an ideal world i don't want my daughter to be to be bitten but i'd rather her be bitten than bite especially with the genetics she's inherited that could take an arm off can't be a biter with ease it's like you know it's like when someone from the army has a fight in the pub it's a classified deadly weapon he can't do that he's got training and what did you find easiest that you you were worried about joe is there anything that you sort of dreaded a little bit and it actually was not as painful as you imagined well i suppose that i dreaded the changeover from primary school to secondary school

because that is like such a shock to the system because you know you have so much more control with primary school and you're kind of outside the gate you sort of until they get a little bit older you're walking in with the most days and you've got a feel of what's going on. At secondary school, suddenly it all changes and you haven't got a clue what's going on, you know. And they don't want you to come within sort of two miles of them at any point during the day. And they even want you to say when you're coming in, if you're coming in to see someone,

so they can be out of the way in the toilet so they don't even have to see you and acknowledge your existence oh oh because there is that i feel like your daughters are coming out of that period i imagine that there's a fallow period between sort of about 13 and 17 where they just don't want any any relationship with their parents whatsoever almost they just want to hide in their rooms and see their mates was that is that what you found yeah absolutely absolutely and thank god they are out of that now you know i mean they weren't horrible but they were just so embarrassed i will say the one thing i really loved as well when especially when they're at primary school and i would really recommend it

is going on school trips with them going on a couple they I had such a laugh um and also the thing I really like was you really get to know the other kids in their class if you go on a school trip which you just don't really I thought you're gonna say the thing I really liked is I got to make my own Roman coin as well it was a really great day out yeah I learned so much my one of my favorites was we went to these caves in Dover and one of the parents dressed up as a nazi parachutist and we all had to go into the caves um and find him and arrest him and i had this one kid bless her she was really really scared holding my hand and we were like in the caves in the dark and she went are we going to be killed no it's fine bless her you know I just obviously got

really into it and I also went to France for a few days and that was amazing as well so yeah I definitely recommend that all right because I think that's the kind of thing I'd be sort of anxious about doing especially if you're sort of a bit known but I imagine like you say if you throw yourself into it, it's like anywhere, they just get so bored of you. Yeah, absolutely. And if they can just see

that you're prepared to get stuck in like everyone else, you know. You get a runner, don't you? There's a runner doing a lot of that and a producer with you, isn't there? Yeah, and a butler as well, yeah. And a driver. Oh, because it was South London as well that they went to school that is quite a scary jump

to secondary school in south london you know did you ever consider moving anywhere else or out to the countryside and stuff like that because a lot of people have kids in london and when they get that is a question straight from rob's heart i imagine i went to school in South East London and when I meet people and speak to people that went to school in like different areas, even just like in Reading or just a little bit further out, they had such a different experience

to like, I remember kids coming up to school with weapons and dirt bikes going across the grass, chasing people and all stuff like that and I tell people about this and they're just like, what? Your example of the picturesque countryside is reading what i'm saying is not even that far out and it was karma yeah you know i'm not an evacuee except in a bloody slough yeah my my uh my mom and dad moved moved us out to the country when when i was about four and um no it was a tiny little village in Kent called Benenden

where there was a very posh girls' school that Princess Anne went to, but I didn't go there. We just got to go up there in the summer when they were on holiday and have a little whittle in the swimming pool just to make our minor protest. But, yeah, but I think these days, actually i mean london's such a brilliant place for kids in my opinion so we didn't bother to move really there's loads of stuff for them to do in the country it's like one bus a day and like a cab driver driving them everywhere you know and it's just not worth it anymore no no i totally agree because you know all that happened is the

kids just want to move straight back into, to London and stuff like that. Cause what's going on, all the stuff that's going on. But you know, it's just cause it is, it is. And I, it's not until you look back and you realize,

oh, you know, my school, what kind of stuff that happened at my school. It's just, it's just crazy. It wouldn't have happened. It might,

in Reading. Oh, not the glory is in Reading. It's like the famous five over there. Playing, skipping stones across the M4, stuff like that. Beautiful, beautiful countryside. Jo, it's been an absolute pleasure to talk to you.

Oh, thank you. No, it's been lovely. Thank you. It's been a right laugh. And, you know, I hope to see you on a show. And when I see you on a show, I'll think, is she here because it's good money for little work? That'll be the big question.

Yeah, well, you know, let's see what it is. Is it a fan-seeked road show or something? Yes. Effort to cash ratio. Effort to cash ratio. Thanks, Joe. You've been amazing. Thank you.

Cheers, mate. All right. Thanks a lot. Jo Brand is such a nice person, isn't she, Rob? She's very lovely. And also, as well, she's a woman of many talents. She's a streetcar racer, Josh. Yeah. She's got a rally licence.

She absolutely smashed Marc Lamar into oblivion on the Camden to the River route so much. He has not appeared in the British public for 23 years. That's the kind of shellacking that she gave Lamar. And Lamar, if you're listening, come on, defend yourself, for sure. I can almost guarantee he's not listening. He's probably listening to some B-side of a shit album. But, yeah, she's great, Joe. She's so refreshing, like, to hear her talk about that.

And I do think that is a bit of a pattern, isn't it? People that are naughty as kids are a bit more relaxed, and then their kids don't need to sort of go mad with the rules it's always the kids with really strict parents that went mental I found yeah totally all the ones with parents that just didn't care but if you're somewhere in the middle you normally be all right yeah I think the thing with Joe is you're listening to it going oh but I would like you as a mum do you know what I mean I'd I'd be, I'd absolutely, I'm going to say it, Rob. Make your decision now. Of all the episodes we've done, who do you want as your mum and dad?

I'm going to go for Ellis and Joe Brand. I mean, Ellis as your dad, just from work all set. He's an animal for it. But it's got to be Johnny Ross for me as dad. Johnny Ross. And mum. I mean, yeah, it's got Joee brand joe brand's got daisy may cooper yes just because if you didn't do a shit and put a flag in it she'd love you for it do you mean she's

got different expectations but yeah joe brand are you are you saying you prefer joe brand to your own parents no but we haven't interviewed them yet they haven't got enough public profile well my parents i've always not let them do anything because they get too comfy too quick and before i know it i'll be sent on a round the world trip with them like ronis and ronis but i'm doing a tv show at the moment where we interviewed my parents so they are semi-unleashed on the british public so maybe we could interview our parents yeah that'd be interesting one wouldn? Yeah, if we run out of guests. Oh, mate, that's set up. Trying to get my 76-year-old dad to try and plug a USB mic in without screaming at the computer.

I don't even got a computer. They'll try and do it off their Kindle. Do you know my big regret of this podcast? I wish we'd set a recording from the off for everyone i'd love to put out for christmas a one hour super cut of all of our guests trying to get their microphones to work it's my favorite thing when you can hear the person have to get their kid on to help them uh wire up the right that's the best moment joe brad screamed in maizey maizey in Maisie! Maisie! Come here, Maisie! Oh, brilliant. Joe Brand, what a guest.

Thank you to Joe. If you have any celebrities who've got kids closer together than Maisie Gray that we can plot on our chart. Oh, so let's do a celebrity version, a non-celeb version. So if you've had kids quicker than that, let us know. Obviously twins excluded, but we will give our honorable

mentions for the longest gap between twins yeah that's what we're after honorable mention for the longest gap between twins have you got any twins that have bought or they've got different birthdays oh i'm sure there's some i've seen them before 99 and 2000 imagine it oh different millennia yes please how did you bring in the millennium oh Oh, my word. What a story that mum's got. I left a millennium the same way as I started it, banging out kids because I'm a breeder. Get in touch and this is how. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk

or tweet us at lockdownparents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff. P.O. Box 76748 London E99DW. Thank you for listening. Do you want to say anything else, Rob? Just goodbye? Just goodbye.

And we'll be catching up with you later in the week. I'll be honest with you, Josh. Things aren't going well in my life. That's good. At the start of this podcast, it was an absolute mess. I felt like it levelled out. It started getting better, but score on the days of hits, and it's just an absolute shit

show. So I'll be filling you in on that. Friday will be a treat. See you then.