Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP38: "She can't read squirrel body language..."

Episode Date: September 4, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP38: "She can't read squirrel body language..."More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, well, I don't know. Mom's gonna love it. She'll take one sniff and be transported to that anniversary trip you took to San Tropez a few years ago. Forget it, she complained about her sunburn the whole trip. It's only $14. $14? Now that's a vacation I can get behind.

Deals so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection. Free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH balancing mineralsancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't.

Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Hello, I'm Josh Whittacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills...

Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Lockdown Parenting Woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting How with... I can't whisper it, say it. What is it?

Josh Widdlybum! Josh Widdlybum! Maybe my favourite ever. Wow. That kid's got two settings. It's almost like a child's toy where it's silent

or the loudest it's ever been. That is Jake, aged three, the son of Megan Small. This week, Jake announced my bowel movement to the neighbourhood,

shouting up to the window from outside. James asked, Mummy, will you get me a bike through the open window? I applied. Yes, Jake,

I'll get it for you in the minute to which Jake then responded. The Tommy's voice. Will you get it after you've done your poo? It matters worse. Uh, we have new neighbors who are renovating their bungalow and we're working on the roof on our side at the time. Uh,

he's a very nice son. He sounds like, I like that. Um, the, the mistake with him whispering it as well that was nice it was endearing wasn't it yeah we don't want the retakes we don't want the more professional retakes we want that first attempt we don't ever redo this never mind your voice over at the beginning people don't you chill out just enjoy yourself enjoy yourself um how are you oh not bad. We had a very good couple of days away.

After the camping fiasco, he decided to go to a hotel near some family and then go to Legoland. Oh, Windsor or Copenhagen? Windsor. Windsor. And we also went to like a splash paradise, the Coral Reef in Bracknell.

But talking about my uh getting naked in front of my kids for showers yeah this happened to me the change the family changing rooms yeah as i was getting changed i obviously took my trunks off and i went oh look it's daddy's bit yeah and one of them went it's like a sausage yeah all right at the top of her voice and i was like yeah fine whatever then the other one went it's like a little snail that cut me deep it cut me deep that is a heartbreaking moment

look let's be honest yeah it's like that Superman is it a bird is it a plane it's a slug with a shell it's a snail

it's cold it's cold due to COVID restrictions my dick's smaller now basically because they had to have the back door open that was the exit but basically it was freezing and you know it's not a substantial beast at the best of times but um to be called a snail was really heartbreaking it was even worse when she

put some pellets out for it wasn't it yeah and she poured salt on it it was a horrible afternoon i talked me through lego land what's it like i've never been i always dreamed on it. It was a horrible afternoon. I talked me through Legoland. What's it like? I've never been. I always dreamed of going when I was a kid, but it was only available in Denmark at that point. That's what your parents told you. Yeah.

It's a great day out, Josh. Pricey. Yeah. Very pricey. But what I'll say is, right, this is my thinking around. What are you paying for a tango? Do you know what happened was, you have to just zone out and pretend it's not happening.

Thank God for contactless. Yeah. If I physically saw notes going over the counter, I think I'd have a panic attack. But this is my thinking. Obviously, what we've saved on going to Spain was still ringing in my ears. But what I'd say is, we've've done this i'd rather go just ask

do you think there'll be a moment when you're about 70 when you and lou decide to like yeah we'll have a pudding do you remember when we didn't go to spain yeah i know i don't know when it's gonna stop yeah we moved house we didn't go spain did we so we thought we'd spend that money on stamp duty it's well pricey but what i said i think you're better off going every two or three years and doing it properly than going because we went before and did the cheapest option on everything right and it was stressful it was really hard work okay we went this time and we and i've never done this before and i felt i felt a bit i paid for reserve and ride josh what's reserve and right ride? Is that fast track tickets?

Yes, there's levels, right? There's level one of reserve and ride, level two, and then VIP. VIP is you can literally walk up to any ride and get on it immediately and you can spit in everyone's face as you do it. But the level, even if you could afford it, the level of just social angst it creates. Can I ask what you would pay for the VIP? Well, VIP is a fortune, but you would pay for the vip well vip is a fortune but you can

pay a bit extra for reserve a ride which basically means what you do is if there's it shows you all the waiting times of rides and you click on it and it says like 40 minutes and then you don't have to queue up you just wait for the 40 minutes to expire so you can wander around you go back when you go to a restaurant and they'll give you one of those buzzers and then you can go to the bar yeah so you can do that and go and other things and then you go there you show your ticket and you still have to wait for about five ten minutes but they scan it once they've scanned it you can get in the queue for another ride so it was pricey but we went on everything the kids loved it and presumably because your kids are small you're going on things that aren't that

scary so you can have fun as well rather than have to be for i went to dubai to do a gig yeah and i just wanted a day in the hotel and then the other acts uh ed gamble lloyd langford and maizey adam who i i really am a huge fan of all of them as people that's a great crew three brilliant comics and they really wanted well maizey and ed really wanted to go to this theme park yeah and we went to the theme park I was like oh god and normally at a theme park you're like well at least mainly it'll be waiting around like we'll just chat but we got there and it was completely empty so it was like a child's dream there was no one there and so basically you're just you can just walk up and get on every ride again and again and again

and it was absolute living hell because you can get out of it couldn't get out of it so they're just like you know like when a kid gets off a ride they want to go again that's what ed and maisie were like and they were just doing that oh no actually i hate rides yeah i'm not a big fan of rides but lego land's amazing for little kids. Also, I should stress, I'm not getting paid for this. It costs me a fucking fortune. So I'm not doing this as if we got a freebie and I'm trying to plug it. But it was a really good day out. But I would say you're already spending a lot to get in there.

It's worth spending a little bit more to do the reserve and ride. And then you can literally just get on. And we did everything we wanted to do. The kids that you can't explain to a two-year-old why you're queuing for an hour. Because the answer is you shouldn't be. It's a waste of a life. Yes.

But it distracts us for a day and keeps you busy. The other alternative is just your kid jumping on you. But if you think about the amount of time you've got back in your life there, Rob. Can I claim it back though after talking about it on air? How's that work? I don't think you can i think you'd have to um not got any pleasure out of it which it does sound like

sadly you've said you enjoyed it yeah i know i enjoyed it but anyway that's what i'll take so i was a bit worried about going it was pricey but a fair honest opinion is go get reserved ride swallow it but i'd rather go how much lego's involved the rides aren't built out of it are they no they're not imagine that bit rickety this one isn't it when it breaks the geezer turns up a big orange thing that pings it out yeah so i'll just say do it and then do it every two or three years for that amount yeah rather than trying to go regular ready um also can i say the most overused cliche that you hear the whole time when you're in leoland. Yeah. Right?

It's with everyone. The kids are screaming. And everyone just goes, but it's a long day for them, isn't it? It's a long day for them. Everyone's just saying that it's a long day. And also as well, it was, right, they reckon it's half capacity. I've never, it's like being at Nebworth. It's so busy.

Are you getting your photo back and you're buying a photo and you've all just got masks on yeah it was all in hazmat suits the whole no so they weren't disinfecting some but it weren't the rides all the rides were fairly social distance because you are spread out and basically if there was a gap you couldn't sit next to someone if you weren't in their family so if there was three of you you'd have like a road to yourself

behind your two friends so it was good that but just walking around just people everywhere um should we do some emails yeah let's do some emails josh josh i've got some uh do you want some salty ones yeah go on we haven't had them in a while let's have a bit of salty i feel a bit sorry for you josh this has really escalated the saltiness oh no i've got to it it's it's it's evolving into things i don't like about josh winnicombe oh no i both hope all is well. This is less of a Joshua Saltly to me tale or even a spot of salt mining.

If anything, it's a remote salt drone strike. All right. You know when people use a phrase a lot, sometimes it's quite endearing, but you can get a little tiresome. People who say, I haven't got a Scooby or it's a good shout for a mildly What's the phrase I use too much? haven't got a scooby or it's a good shout for a mildly interested or to be fair uh basically um i'm not sure how intentional his catchphrase is perhaps he he's just in a verbal rut would you say that you you've heard this and would you say oh i buy that i do you know what i thought when

they would they put it out i would but i i haven't really, to be honest. Anyway, does he really need to say, I'm not going to lie quite so often? Do you say that a lot? I don't know. Well, I suppose you wouldn't be conscious that you over-say it. Also, in this email, I accept it can be served to provide emphasis to a point. Yeah. Josh knows how to speak, mate.

That's quite a bit. Yeah, I'm using it for a reason. I don't think he just picked that out. He just says it before everything. I'm not going going to lie core um can i go to the toilet well i'm gonna i'm gonna keep an eye out for that i'm gonna keep an eye out for that now yeah he's a fan though marco's a fan he's excellent on taskmaster i enjoyed the sitcom last thing is great isn't isn't adam hills really nice very humble man i'm not to lie about that. Yeah. So, okay. Tell me.

I buy that. I buy that. I'll look into it for the next week and I'll let you know whether I feel like I'm saying it too much. Now I feel like every sort of phrase I say is, let's keep an eye on that. Like I say that all the time. Yeah. Suddenly you realize when you hear the start of that email, you think, is this going to be something that completely cuts to the very core of who I am? To be fair, you're doing all right for yourself joshua i can't imagine it's having a huge impact on your broadcasting career no no no no you know uh we're not recommissioning last leg

why well i'm not gonna lie it's i'm not gonna lie we've had an email from harper adams oh come on after having a gut harper adams University for one of the worst crowds ever. I've heard murmurs about it on the circuit as well, how bad that union is for comedians. Anyway, here he goes. This is from Craig Jones. I don't know if he's put his name. So does he represent them in any way? Well, here he goes.

Dear Josh and Rob, I don't normally write to a podcast, but having heard the recent saltiness aimed at Harper Adams University, I felt I had to step in and defend it. Firstly, I love the podcast. It's kept me very much shamed here about other parents going through undoubtedly worst also every email we get this is one paragraph everyone writes where it's basically they just tell you about their breakdown during lockdown it's so endearing and i really appreciate it because it's the reason why we started doing it but he said thanks for that anyway and he said my wife has managed to do the lion's share of teaching the children during lockdown allow me to continue to work full-time for

harper adams uni i cannot speak about the entertainment manager of student union extracurricular activities but rest assured as a university not college as josh referred to it he's very angry about that you You can, the tone was, he really punched those keys in for you. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, of course. Of course, polytechnic. It's a jumped up poly, isn't it? We offer world-class teaching opportunities

for our students. I'm not saying they don't. I'm not saying they don't. When you do, I'll be honest with you. I'll be honest with you. One of the worst universities I've ever played in pure gig was an Oxford

university ball, but I don't dispute that there, that doesn't mean that I think less of them as a, as an educational institution. That gig was all, I did that with you, didn't I? Did I do that with you?

Did you? No, I don't think you did. I did it the year after. It was me, Ivo Graham, Sean Walsh and Joe Lycett. And they still didn't listen.

What a bunch of twats. It was like, you know, like Back to the Future when the picture starts fading away. It was like being in a Bullenden Club photo, but it was live. And I was wandering around going, what is happening here? It was a mental night, that one.

So I don't think that the level of the gig in any way I'm reflecting on the teaching or whether it's university yeah anyway so he's gone he's got a bit worthy here craig to be fair i don't think he's got the tone of this podcast and salmon education is the forefront of the news with grade assessments a level gcc results it's worth pointing out that institutions such as harper adams are there to support developed students no doubt over the next few years generation thick as ellis james eloquently put it will be benchmarked against the lockdown period. Look, Craig,

mate, you're a seem like a good guy. I don't give a fuck about the education of your students. Did Ellis James refer to them as Generation Thick? Well, yeah, because all these kids didn't get any schooling. Not the results. Oh, right, yeah, of course. I was going to say, that would be a very controversial take on...

Ellis James has really set a marker down in his view of the A-level results. I mean, it would take a lot for Boris Johnson to set Gavin Williamson, but if he'd said get Ed Generation thick, I think that would have been the final straw. Yeah, drinking a big cup of tea. Well, I should add,

I don't know anything about Harper Adams except that it is a university as an educational establishment. But what I will say is as a gig, it is bad. It is bad. In the same way that the will say is as a gig, it is bad. It is bad. In the same way that the comedy store is not a good university, I don't think Harper Adams is a good comedy store.

Also, as well, basically he's going on to say it's a good uni and it's not just farming they do. It's like a fucking PR spinny. I think they might have some spaces in Clearing or something. But he's going, yeah, there are loads of opportunities, blah, blah, blah. But basically, you shouldn't judge a university by that because they're great educationally. But my point is, Josh, when you've got a rotten core,

which that is obviously an issue at Harper Adams Entertainment Department, the comedy gig there is unplayable. It needs to be eked out. You can't just cover it up with great teaching. Do you know what I mean? You can't build a relationship. My wife comes home from a night out with the girls and gives me a slap around the head, but then books me a holiday to Barbados.

It don't work. You've got to get rid of that angry. Does it still exist as a gig? I wonder. I should also add that when I did it in 2009, everyone that would be at that gig would now be around 30 years old. So the entertainment officer at that time, who was presumably also a student or just

graduated as a student, these people are way out of university. For all I know, it might be a brilliant gig. It's absolutely not going to be a brilliant gig. Stop apologising, Josh. This is not your fault. I'll say it once, I'll say it again. Worst gig I've ever done.

Have you done it, this gig, Rob? No. I don't plan to. It's miles away, isn't it? Shropshire, do me a favour. Yeah, well, that was the other thing. It's in a place in Shropshire called Newport. Yeah.

And I had a gig in Cardiff the next night. So I thought I'd booked an absolutely superb one too. Oh, no! Of Newport Cardiff. Oh! So when I discovered it was in

Shropshire that was another kick to the absolute Jaffas before the gig had

even started I'm trying out some news phrases because obviously my old ones I used too many times

amazing kick to the old Jaffas I'm just doing a quick Harper Adams alumni check

see who went there. And then maybe we could get them on the podcasters. Just out of farmers. What was I expecting? We got Dutchie original. He went there. Al McDonald.

So I think that's. That's drawn a line. Let's draw a line under the Harper Adams. Thanks for getting in touch. I will accept it as a, I don't know anything that's drawn a line. Let's draw a line under the Harper Adams. Thanks for getting in touch. I will accept it as a, I don't know anything about it as a university, but I will dispute that the gig is anything other than an absolute shit show. A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives.

The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at Michigan.org. So, Rob, there's something we should clear up. Yeah. Do you remember the Gavin and Malcolm photo? And we were looking for the youngest Gavin and Malcolm in the UK.

Yes. And then was it a lady called Agnes? Agnes sent in a photo with no info of Gavin and Malcolm in the UK. Yes. And then was it a lady called Agnes? Agnes. Agnes sent in a photo with no info of Gavin and Malcolm. Yeah. Well, the info was in an email below the photo. So there was info. Oh, right. Josh, you're talking like you've got a winning lottery ticket

and you just can't get it out. What is this info? This will blow your mind. Agnes is 22. Fuck off. Do me a favour. Agnes, 22. Agnes is 22 fuck off do me a favor agnes 22 agnes is 22 she's got links to a gavin and malcolm with a name like that at that age it's a lovely name i have been really enjoying your podcast during lockdown despite not having children open brackets i'm 22 yeah all know how

to use podcasts because my name's agnes surely she did a hot pot or something her name is agnes is that is that sexist or is that ageist no i think that's that's ageist it's fine you're not being sexist you're just you're just being purely ageist yeah but i do on a personal level do you think women should cook more but that's a separate conversation i'm joking sorry sorry sorry but come on let's be serious so i had already enjoyed finding out that Rob and I share a birthday. Oh. Yeah. But I was even more excited to hear about the names of his children,

Gavin and Malcolm, because my dad is called Gavin and his brother is called Malcolm. Oh, yes. This is great. I mean, your name's Gavin. So, what's your dad called? Gavin. Gavin.

A daughter called Agnes, 22 years ago. In 1998. Yeah. Wow. So that was at the height of, you know, Tony Blair was one year in power. Yeah, if one was called like Ollie or George or James or like, even Gary's were on the way out then. Yeah.

Gary Bush was the last great Gary, wasn't he? Yeah, great's a big word. So she says it was very spooky seeing that podcast name come up in my notifications, which was presumed called Gavin and Malcolm. It's now impossible to listen to your stories without imagining tiny middle-aged men in kilts, ripping the heads off flowers and shitting in cars. Oh God. Also then I just forgot that i told those stories before what two awful things someone could do and i realized oh that was my life about two months ago thanks uh for all the laughs agnes ps please get ellis james on soon uh we did that we've done um

wow that's amazing so gevin and malcolm are an actual pair of siblings what age are they 56 oh sorry 56 and 58. I think what we should do, if Agnes is listening, which I hope she still is, we'd love them, Gavin and Malcolm, to record the opening intro like we get the children to record. Please. Yeah, you can sort that out, Agnes.

Also, as well, I'd quite like Agnes's mum's name and any siblings' names. Just to see if there's like, you know, and there's a Matilda just popped in for no reason or something. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, definitely. Yeah. We'd be across all of that.

But do keep your Gavin and Malcolm's coming in if you know any Gavin and Malcolm siblings. 56 and 58 is the age to beat. I mean, I love the way you say keep sending them in. We've literally just had one inbox. And I failed to read the email properly. Oh, yeah. We'd probably come on Telegram didn't it from old agnes yeah yeah um rob yeah i um i should tell you i had the worst bank holiday monday of all time oh yes please because i've been having a tough time

because we've had school holidays so i need this job this will cheer you right up. Our relationship to work, yeah. Okay, so a couple of days before the bank holiday Monday, we were invited by some friends to go to London Zoo, which would have been lovely, but I didn't realise. They said, do you want to go to the zoo on Monday afternoon? I didn't realise it was a bank holiday. So I was like, no, I'm working. I'm not going to go to the zoo. You know, I can't.

So I presumed I'd have work. And then obviously I realized on the Sunday that the next day is a bank holiday and we're doing absolutely fuck all. Is your daughter normally in care, like nursery care? She's not in care, Rob. I mean, I've made some mistakes, but that's a bit unfair. No, sorry. Child care on a Monday.

No, she's not. Okay. But I just thought I can't take the time off to go to the zoo in this situation, right? But then it turned out it was a bank holiday. So I thought, I did have some work to get done. So I thought, I'll rush the work through and then we'll do the second best thing to the zoo. Hackney City Farm. However, I get my daughter all excited all morning.

We're going to the farm. What animals do you want to see? To be honest, she named quite a lot of animals that were there that she didn't want to see. We're going to the farm. What animals do you want to see? To be honest, she named quite a lot of animals that were there that she didn't want to see, but we, we, we papered over that. She was very excited. And then we were like,

we lost our faith in the farm. And we were like, should we just go to the park? And she demanded we go to the farm. So we drive across to the farm, get there. It's closed temporarily for COVID. Oh no.

Oh no. So, no. Oh, no. So we think, well, we'll just walk around the edge of the Hackney City Farm and steal the animals. Oh, God, this is awful. This is one of the... Oh, by the way, I've had five pints, so I'm hung over as well. Oh, right. No, you had five pints and drive.

No, no, no, no. I didn't have five pints the night before. You're sure she's not in care? She should be. So you had five pints the night before, which back in the day you could handle. Yeah, but now I'm hungover. I'm hungover as shit, right? So we're walking around the boundary of Hackney City Farm.

None of the animals are in the field. They've all gone. She's absolutely gutted. But there's a kind of woodland trail that they've built into the park. So we thought we'll do that. I have never seen so many rats in my fucking life. So in the space of 48 hours, we turned down going to the zoo. And now we're walking down a woodland trail.

And then, which is just rats and squirrels. And she's like, there's a rabbit. And it's like, it's a rat mate and then it gets worse a squirrel squares up to us and i'm absolutely shitting myself that we're about to be attacked by this squirrel and obviously my daughter doesn't realize she can't read squirrel body language as well as i can so we basically have to do a runner from a squirrel on this woodland trail oh no that's pathetic josh it's the worst afternoon right so then we we like we've got to leave she wanted to stay in the wooden truck so obviously

she doesn't have the issue with rats i don't like rats also is there is there a condom and drug vibe there oh no but i'll tell you what there is there's a sign saying active wasps nest nearby oh god there's no rest is there no it's one of the most stressful half hours of my life so we get out of there and i'm like we'll go to broadway market she's absolutely set on getting an ice cream in a cone which is a big big draw for her she won't accept anything less so we walked up she's like well i like we'll go to the bookshop because you can buy a book there's a nice bookshop on Broadway Market. Okay.

But she's insistent on getting this ice cream. Would you take a Cornetto or does it need to be an ice cream? No, it needs to be an ice cream. And I'm like, you know when you're like, I know this isn't going to be an option. Yeah, because a Cornetto is fine, but to get a proper ice cream in a cone on a Banconnody Monday. But then, unbelievably, we round the corner onto Broadway Market and there's a man. I still, you know, like, do you remember Goodnight Sweetheart cone on a bank holiday monday but then unbelievably we round the corner onto broadway market and

there's a man i still you know like do you remember good night sweetheart where the guy would like walk through from the different time and he's for like 50 so there's a man stood there with one of those ice cream trolleys that cockneys used to push around was it a cockney angel it was like a it was like a cockney ghost who goes to an ice cream man. And he's there. And we go up to him and he's got like the white hat and stuff on, you know. And he makes a strawberry ice cream that I'm not going to lie, I've never seen a colour like it.

That had not seen a strawberry in its fucking life. The strawberry was so, I was like, this is so bad this ice cream this is so synthetic that i had to you know like when you think would you take a shot if someone was firing firing at your family yeah i was like asking my daughter whether i could have a lick of her ice cream so i could get some down me so that she wouldn't have to ingest it. Okay. So she wouldn't have the whole lot. So she wouldn't have the whole lot. So I'm like forcing myself to eat this absurd ice cream.

And then she's like, we're going to the bookshop. Bookshop closed, obviously. However, there is a secondary bookshop. This is the most East London thing I've ever seen. The queue for the bookshop was six deep. What? And she insisted at this point that we had The queue for the bookshop was six deep. What? And she insisted at this point that we had to queue for the bookshop.

People were out. 25 minute queue for a fucking bookshop. No. And you stood in it? Yeah, because we were like, we haven't got an option. Mate, I wasn't in the queue at Legoland that long. Yeah. It's mad. And then you get in and she bought a book that is for a one-year-old.

I think you need to be stronger with her, Josh. You've just got to go, no, and just take the grind. What? Are you kidding me? No, I would have gone, no, we can't go to the bookshop. She was silent for 25 minutes in the queue. It was the best bit of the day. Fair enough.

I stand corrected. That was the best bit of the day. What, it weren't the rats? It wasn't the rats. It wasn't the lovely day out looking at the rats it wasn't the rats it wasn't the lovely day out looking at the rats and squirrels in the uh in the woodland trail yeah so that was uh so we got the book and then uh that was basically it oh wow what a lovely family time what a lovely family day out you know because it goes so quick this stage you don't want to miss i mean it would be

terrible wouldn't it to look back and go i don't think i really took in the wasp nest the aggressive squirrel the shut farm the shut book shop and the rats what's great about this podcast is all these these priceless memories that i might have forgotten will be forever remembered if i wanted to list back to this and when you get old like you and rose when you're old we can listen back wasn't that a magical day it's great that it's getting documented isn't it yeah I've got my first play date by the way you've got a play date are you having play dates with other people are we not exclusive well that's a play date

where the parents know each other ours is her best friend from nursery oh yeah because so you don't obviously you don't know the parent. Don't know the parents. You've seen them at the gate? I've had a couple of chats at the gate, but I'm not going to lie, Rob.

I bottled it. Like a teenager failing to ask a girl out on a date, I bottled it on asking them for a play date and instead got their number off the person that runs a nursery and then sent them a WhatsApp. Oh, you couldn't do it face-to-face? You slid a WhatsApp. Oh, you couldn't do it face-to-face.

You slid in the DMs. Couldn't do it face-to-face, slid into the DMs. And they were, okay. Is there not some sort of... She replied. Oh, okay. Yeah, how many kisses? None.

None. Very efficient. Okay, so she's replied, yeah. So what's happening? What's the text? How did you write the text? Do you want to hear my text yeah i want to know how you feel if you receive this okay hey this is uh my daughter's

dad josh alana who runs the nursery gave me your number hope that is okay our daughter has been talking a lot about how she would love to see your daughter in brackets her favorite close brackets outside of nursery i was wondering if you guys fancy meeting up with them one weekend that's it that's okay they put the little favorite it's quite nice touch but the little favorite yeah so like the best friend because the worry now is that she just replies my daughter's never mentioned your daughter i know i was absolutely terrified of that i was like this is this could be absolutely one of those heartbreaking things she said it back the whole way well i'd love to but and then put all the names in brackets

least favorite and then oh okay well that's nice that's a good thing i think it's quite growing up things do because i think when you're like got friends already then you're like the first person to have kids and stuff you it's quite weird making new friends but you've got to like take the leap so it's good you've done it so what did she reply she said we're meeting up we're meeting up on saturday we're gonna uh there's a lovely woodland trail in hackney uh city farm that we're gonna go on actually um do you like rats so you're meeting up on meeting up for the weekend yeah so that will be exciting so i'll keep you updated on how that goes well the issue is really from an entertainment point of view you're either gonna go it was great i really got on or you'll never mention it on here and everyone will know

that it went terribly yeah well what i should say is that because of um holidays of the producer and me we are recording these slightly ahead of time so i won't be discussing it on next week's episode i'll be discussing it on the one after so when i don't talk about it next week don't presume it was a fucking washout we will we will come back to it and let people know we will come back to it and let people know that's a leap of faith mate i've not done that i'm very nervous have you never done that no um i've uh lose sort of it's weird really because we went through like a stage of like literally having no friends with kids and then we had some from like uh the uh and was it called the what's those class nct classes but then we moved from that area to like zone five so we had no one but i i bumped into uh

you know the matt morgan the uh yeah yeah comedian well he's a writer comedy writer and used to do the russell brown radio shows he i was chatting to him got on with him at this party and we found out we live five minutes from each other and i was like oh my god let's make our wives like each other so then we've got people we know with same age kids because they had kids the same age as ours and then um I think Matt would agree with this that uh our wives friendship has really blossomed and now sort of is fine but we uh they have really overshadowed us where now we still text and meet up but they're like on an absolute house on fire but um oh well that's that's good and bad i spoke

exactly that's good so yeah it's hard we were very excited we had a stage we didn't know anyone so it's good to find some people in your area the pressure's on the pressure is on you know you come to mind but it's a bit of a drive if you know this song around the corner you just pop round to it makes it much easier the question is rob would i prefer our daughters to have a good day or the parents to have a good day and if i'm totally honest with you i'd prefer our daughters to have a good day or the parents to have a good day? And if I'm totally honest with you, I'd prefer the parents to have a good day. Yeah! Well, you come down again when you're back from your holiday. Well, we will.

We will. Rob, I was thinking about something you said. Do you remember when you said about saying eggies? Oh, yes. When you say kids' words. I have my own childish word that I've realised has got into my vocabulary. The one I've done, Rob. Yeah.

Is ouchy tummy. Ouchy tummy. So do you use ouchy to mean ache? We say poorly belly. You say poorly belly. Still has been, hasn't it? Yeah. Poorly belly.

Yeah. Ouchy tummy. I never used to say poorly. No, I've never said poorly. That's more Lou and I've copied that poorly. But ouchy tummy, you say. Yeah, so ouchy tummy. I've said ouchy in the company of adults.

So you'd say to like, oh, she's got an ouchy tummy. And then you're like, no, she hasn't got an ouchy tummy. She hasn't actually got an ouchy tummy. She's fucking making it up. That's what she's doing, mate. I did say at the pub once, I'm going for a wee-wee. Oh, yeah. Do you know, it just all feels so twee, doesn't it?

Yeah. It's quite nice, in a way. Yeah, does it take you back to an easier time? Do you know what? I'm going to go in that toilet in that pub and pull my trousers and pants down to my ankles and have a good old wee-wee. Just feel like I'm six again. How much for you to adopt the trousers and pants, piss at the urinal for a year?

Oh, I mean, drunk, probably nothing. For a laugh, I think I've done that on many a stag do. That's a classic, isn't it? Yeah, I wouldn't want my belt touching the floor of a gent's urinal. Oh, the stag do. All rules are off't it yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't want my belt touching the floor of a gent's urinal i want a stag do all rules are off i saw a bloke eat a whole lemon including rind you ever seen that wonderful type what how did he eat it what just like an apple like an apple and he ate all of it oh wow i know actually i think he cut it in half because he's not an animal he can't he can half and just went through it, like, sort of.

Yeah, but ate all of it and skin. I do like it. I like a sourness, but maybe that would be too much for me. I reckon next episode, eat a lemon during the show and see how you get on. See if it affects your bounty. I reckon when I'm doing that, we know our ratings are on the slide. Yes, that'd be great though. But all for the hardcores that stuck with us.

What a day. You know, when you, if you ever like. In the Cubs eating 11. You've read like a Wikipedia page about like, you're like trying to remember a TV show or something. And it'll always end with, in the final series, a lot of the features were replaced with other features. You jumped the shark.

I've never heard of a TV show completely changing its format and that turning its fortunes around. It's always the final series. Love Island. Love Island did. Love Island originally was celebrities in Fiji. Oh, yes, it was. Sorry, I'm going to have to call you on that, Josh.

I don't want to be that guy. No, fair enough. They did it. Josh, we start talking about kids again. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, mate. Sorry, it it's fine it's not a tv producer disgusting the commissioning process right anyway josh i've got an email here it's a semi-serious one but i think we should mention it basically we've got this uh they didn't leave a name actually she's got like a wacky instagram name but she said i don't have children love the show but i'm a nanny and she's been trained in safeguarding and she heard an episode where i

think it was when my daughter's ruined my wife's birthday present by telling her what i'd got immediately i think it was we got your ring and like three days for a birthday and i said oh you should have said that was a secret but i've just been pulled on it and i think it's a good little bit of info that the best way with kids is cause secrets and our little secret can be used as a sort of a grooming technique for kids what you do is you define a surprise and a secret so if kids it's surprised so that they're aware that they are allowed to tell someone at some point but at this moment in time we can't tell mum because it's not a birthday yet so it's a surprise, not a secret.

And then that way, you can say that you shouldn't keep secrets, especially if something's going awry and a bit dodged. So that's quite a good tip there. So it's a surprise, not a secret. That is a good tip. I've got another good tip. I just wanted to say on that thing of what you can and can't tell kids. The most trouble I ever got into when i worked on xfm

yeah was unthinkingly and i there might be children listening to this so i won't say what i said but basically well i'll tell you what if your kid is listening to this just tell them to stop listening for a minute i don't think children on their own are listening to this podcast no but that wasn't the problem there was mums driving their children to like oh well if you're driving if your kid's listening don't let him listen pause it for a second and then josh say what you said on xfm um that isn't real oh josh you mad bastard i just said it in part it wasn't like i didn't break the news i didn't say I was just implied in an anecdote or oh wow that is just I'm thinking imagine the sort of chilled out cool dude parents are like hey man I'm not gonna pause this podcast my kids can hear things I don't mind and liberal all of a sudden now car screeched to a halt it was lying

kids um we need a trigger warning at the top of this episode yeah we do need a trigger warning at the top of this maybe we could bleep out um the the the the name of the person you're talking about i think it isn't real do you think other people will understand who we're talking about well i think if not they would have got it at Lapland. Shaking Stevens. Right, so do you want another good, interesting tip? Yes, please. That we've had emailed in.

So do you know we were talking about how for your kids to deal with having a new sibling come along? Yeah. This is from Aleta Walensky. I'm not a parent, but I love your most recent episode where one of your listeners asked for tips on how their older child to adjust to a new baby. There's lots of people that aren't parents that listen to this podcast, Rob. Yeah, I know.

But I'm starting to feel like in sort of a sick way, like they're getting off on our misery. Yeah. Like Schadenfreude. Do you listen to podcasts? I suppose I listen to football podcasts. I'm not to feel like in sort of a sick way, like they're getting off on our misery. Yeah. Like Schadenfreude. Do you listen to podcasts? I suppose I listen to football podcasts. I'm not a footballer. Yeah, but you watch football every Saturday.

I doubt these people are watching children every Saturday. Well, I hope not, Rob. I hope not. Unless you've got some sort of nonce fan base. Right. So this email from a wonderful person called aletta walensky one of your listeners asked for tips on how to help the older child adjust to a new baby and i thought i'd share what my mum successfully used on me when she found out she was pregnant

she started taking me to see all of her friends who had babies and making sure i played with them and had a lovely time playing mummy until inevitably I asked if I could have a baby brother or sister. She explained that babies took a long time to make and there was no sending them back so I had to be absolutely certain I wanted one. This is amazing! When I said yes we put in the order for a baby and it was delivered in five months time. In the following months my parents involved me in every decision about my baby from choosing the outfits and paint colors to pulling her name out of a hat i have a strong suspicion all the pieces of paper with the same name this might sound manipulative both our parents are in politics so they played to their strengths but it really worked i loved her from day one and rarely felt any jealousy towards her oh that's nice that is brilliant isn't it when did the shared decision making stop though

because that's the issue you don't really need your mum and a nine-year-old telling you to do your own work yeah they're deciding on which school this nine-year-old was deciding which school to send their younger sibling to um oh the other one as well i remembered was um you're supposed to make sure that um you're the the say normally if you've got having another baby. So a friend or a family member looks after the eldest one, but get them to come into your house first before you bring the baby home. So the baby's coming into the house with the child in. So it feels like they're welcoming, not like the baby's in there and all settled in. They come in. It's like they've been taken over, as it were.

Yes. So that they're in the house as the baby arrives, not the other way around and they arrive to a house of a baby in. I like these. These are actually genuinely useful tips, I think, are good. I think we should do a new feature. Well, I think since the one show we've rebranded now, the banter switches off.

I'm just fucking stupid. Super granddad. I haven't laughed once in three episodes. I just absolutely buzzed off tips. So if you've got any genuinely good tips on parenting, do send them in. We'll, we'll name the feature.

It's something like, um, it worked for me. Yeah. I'm not an arsehole, but this is quite useful. Yeah. I'm not an arsehole,

but it's quite useful. That kind of thing. We'll get, I do apologize, Michaelsehole, but this is quite useful. Yeah, I'm not an arsehole, but this is quite useful. Something along those lines. Yeah, that kind of thing. I do apologise, Michael, but if there is any sniff of a jingle, I won't turn it down. Oh, no, let's get, we need a better name for it, but it needs to be that kind of thing of, it's hard to give tips without being that wanker that's like, I've got a child actually and they're three days older than yours,

so I know as a mother, as a father. I'll start with the best tip my brother gave me um which was uh when i asked him what what was his number one tip for having a baby and he said get a thermos and have your tea in that rather than in a mug because you're otherwise you're just playing you make your tea the tea goes cold when you remember it 30 minutes later yeah walking around your house with a thermos mate you've got hot tea all day long. Yeah, cold coffee is the curse of the parent. So a thermos is a great shout.

However, having a mug full of hot drink does stop you having to look after children as well. That's the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you go, oh, I've got a tea. And you say that, everyone kicks into gear around you. Yeah. But I would go, if you're on your own in the house, thermos. So send in your genuinely useful tips also i'm can i just make it clear that i still want

stories about wanking in a box at the ivf clinic yes of course i don't let's not let's not let's not forget what got us here josh no exactly but i want shit smeared faces let's not reinvent the wheel it's it's evolution not revolution, this chat. Yeah. And if you've got any tips about wanking in a box, that's the ideal meeting point between what we're looking for. Yeah, if you could give me a defined sort of schedule and a plan of action to ejaculate as quick as possible in an IVF box, let us know, because that would be helpful to a lot of our listeners.

Thank you very much to everyone. That's the end of the show. night that was lockdown parenting hell good night