Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP4: Jonathan Ross

Episode Date: May 8, 2020

Joining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is broadcasting legend, Jonathan Ross. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's Classic Breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, I'm Josh Whittacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell, the show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. I'm Josh Whittakin, with me, Rob Beckett. Hello. Hello. Life been good? Er, yeah, it was fine until I decided to take a two-year-old and a four-year-old out for a scooter ride. The two-year-old is an animal and it's like Tony Hawk.

She flies down the road. I took my daughter out and we bought her a scooter and I took her out and she just kept bearing to the left. She just couldn't do it. She just kept going left. It's very difficult to say. She was like, it's not working. And you're like, like no you keep going left

mate but she obviously doesn't understand the concept of left no so in the end she just lost it with the scooter and i thought well that's gonna be six months till we try that again i've i've found in my experience the second child picks stuff up a lot quicker because they can see their sibling do it right so there's someone doing it they can copy where my oldest took ages to learn to do scooter and you're sort of like they're going i'm doing it i'm doing it you're like yeah i'm pulling you over to the right again but yeah she kept on doing that as well as carnage the two-year-old just fundamentally doesn't listen to anything i say ever and it's really like that doesn't care about threats of timeout step or anything you'll go like do you want to go to

timeout step you go yep just walk there do you know i would love to go on the timeout step? She'll go, yep. And just walk there. Oh, God. Do you know, I would love to go on the timeout step, Rob. I mean, until that, I'd never heard that phrase before. But if it's how it sounds, sitting on a step, having some timeout, absolutely count me in, mate. I'd love to go in a buggy for a bit. This is the thing. So we got the old bassinet when you get a baby. And then she wouldn't go in it for a bit, right?

And you're like, are you thick? This is the best way you are ever going to travel. Yeah. If someone said to me, I'm going to the shops, do you want to come? I'm going to push you in a bed on wheels. Fucking sign me up, mate. I mean, it's like first class travel

for the first two years of your life. Do you know how I would never want to travel, Rob? Strapped to the front of someone. That is the worst way to travel. Yeah. Anything, anything coming the worst way to travel. Yeah. Anything, anything coming the parents' way,

the kids getting it first. Yeah. Right in the face. If I ordered an Uber and he turned up with a strap on his front, I wouldn't get on. So,

we've had lots of good correspondence. Shall we get straight into it? Yes. It's the lockdown parenting mailbag. But it's the Lockdown Parenting Mailbag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. Alex Brownsword. Hi, guys.

Really enjoying the podcast. It's provided me with great joy. I'm not the only parent out there swinging wildly between moments of perfect life harmony and existential crisis within the same hour. Bit of a humble brag about his perfect life harmony, but we'll carry on. We have a one-year-old and a three-year-old.

Very difficult age difference. The one-year-old is at the learning to walk stroke falling over stage requiring constant monitoring. And the three-year-old wants lots of interaction stroke play. And after five weeks at home, is at a base level of fairly bored. I have found entertaining my three-year-old

without resorting to TV all the time very hard. It has come to this. I am going and sitting in the car as that is now an established activity with him. Yes. He sits in the driver's seat, turns everything on, climbs into the boot, etc.

I can get an hour out of this on a good day. Ah, yes. Oh, those hours matter. Oh, do you see that breaking it down into time? Yes. Like, I don't know, have you read the book or seen the film of About a Boy, right? And Hugh Grant character's very, very rich.

And so he's got nothing to do with his day and he talks about how he breaks his day down into half-hour segments of things he can do. Yes. And I always think that is exactly how parenting is. So if I'm going to the park, that's an hour done. Yeah. Dinner, half an hour.

I find stuff never lasts as long as you think it will though. But an hour in a car is unbelievable. I mean, I did it with him yesterday in the car and that was good. It does kill a bit of time. I'll tell you what's another good one. Chalk. And then at the front on the pavement of your house. Oh, really?

And then, like, it's hard if you've got a busy road, but just find a bit of pavement somewhere. Even if you're taking for a walk to find an open bit of pavement and just let them draw along. Because I feel like they're being naughty. The bit of chalk washes off. Are you leaving it there? Well, the stuff outside my house. I was going to say, yeah, the stuff outside my house I am.

But the stuff further away, I'm washing off. I not i'm leaving that i'm leaving it okay you broke me down i'm leaving it josh all right he didn't really stand up much under questioning i'm not gonna lie i tell you what really made me excited the other day we go for this walk through sort of like country wood bit and um the counts had been there and trimmed it back a bit. And I was just like, oh, look at this. Because everything's so the same every day. And I don't know what, I'm not going to cope

when proper sport comes back. If Tyson Fury fights Anthony Joshua, thinking about it now, I'm bubbling, right? Earlier, I was buzzing because Lou Swimming was back on. I don't even watch it. And I'm going, Lou, Lou, it's back on.

And they're in the studio. It's not on Zoom. They're in the studio. Are they back in the studio? They're back in the studio. Look outside you, Ardresh. They're back in the studio. Blimey.

Are they key workers? The Lou Swimming? They're key workers. Yeah. Lou Swimming make the world go round, mate. So the council's done a good job on the cutting it back. Really good, actually. Surprisingly so. I do think sometimes, you know, a council does a good job on the cutting it back? Really good, actually.

Surprisingly so. I do think sometimes, you know, a councillor does a good job when they're not mentioned. It's like a referee. Like a referee. Alex Browns would add the lowest point

in terms of activity was when my three-year-old and I spent half an hour rolling tin cans down the driveway. Oh, yeah. I think that sounds quite fun.

If you're a Victorian. I always find that quite galling when you buy a toy and it's not interesting. And then so the one we've got into now is every morning she will take all of the fridge magnets off the fridge and put them in a bag. And then every evening I have to put them back on and then she'll take them off.

And you're like, this isn't fun. How are you finding this fun? Just don't put them back on. Well she'll take them off and you're like this isn't fun how are you finding this fun just don't put them back on well no she asks me to oh okay okay yeah i'm not i'm not falling into that trap so she'll ask me to and then in the morning she has to take all of them off but you're like how are you finding this fun it doesn't make any sense to me what in the garden is a good one that keeps him busy yeah i do Water in the garden's a good one. That keeps them busy. Yeah, I do water in the garden. The little sort of gum attachment you can put on the hose if you've got a garden, that's a good one. But she's got into the watering can now.

She's drowned a couple of the flowers because she's gone too heavy on them. That's why you want the spray, because you can only ever get... What's our fucking life come to? What are we talking about? What am I doing? I used to have an edge.

You never had an edge. Did you have an edge? No, I never had an edge. No, I didn to have an edge you never had an edge did you no i never had an edge no i used to drink a bit that was you he's been just a bit of a live one likes to drink but now we're talking about water in a plant i had three beers last friday and then the next day i said i can't do this anymore three beers not even pronged i can't do this anymore i had three cans of beer and seven and a half hours sleep and i was like i just can't do this anymore. I had three cans of beer and seven and a half hours sleep. And I was like, I just can't do this anymore. Josh.

What is wrong with me? Imagine just going to a pub beer garden and drinking five pints and watching the Euros. I can't. I genuinely, the thought of something like that. Do you know what I miss most from parenting is an impromptu night out. Yes. Like every night out has to be so heavily planned. I've never once in the last 18 months, two years, thought, well, we'll just have one beer.

And then it's nothing has snowballed in my life since I've had a child. Everything's so structured. Everything's so absolutely structured. Everything's so structured. Everything's so absolutely structured. The only things that snowball are like their absolute fits when they're out and just, oh. Anyway, I'm enjoying lockdown. Right.

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correspondence. Anything that you've bought that has been a disaster, we're always looking for it or any tales of lockdown parenting, hell, this is how to get in touch. Email us, hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter, at lockdownparents. Have you started potty training yet, Josh? You were half talking about it.

No, I haven't. Well, we still are doing the thing where she's she's she's getting used to the uh sitting on it so before the bath our one our two-year-old she now wheeze in the potty all the time that's fine has a nap in a night however poo-poos as if it's still a nappy straight into the knickers oh my so i'm basically she wheeze okay but now i'm just handling nuggets every two to three hours but don't you find i i can't believe how desensitized i am to shit oh i just don't care i'll juggle it happily wouldn't even just wash it just oh what's that human shit you had just wash it off get on with your day that was my greatest fear before being a parent like i was like i just don't

think i'm gonna i just don't think i'm gonna be able to deal with this shit and now it's so low on my priority list of things i worry about if anything i see changing the shitty nappy as a good way of like killing time you You're like, oh, that would be over five minutes. Great. Oh, we did keep yuppies in it and volleying it into top bins in the garden. I'd happily use it as a paperweight. I wouldn't think twice about it. Put it next to a candle, you wouldn't even notice.

Exactly. It's simply not a problem. Yeah, but years ago, the thought of a human poo near me, I'd be sick instantly. It's amazing what people, and I include myself in this, the things you think are going to be the big issues of parenting. Yeah. Did you read any books before you had a child?

Come on, mate. What do you think? And I don't even mean about parenting. I just mean generally, Rob. Lou does the reading. I'll do morale. That's how it works in mean about parenting. I just mean generally, Rob. Lou does the reading. I'll do morale. That's how it works in our house. But I read this book, right?

And it was like someone had recommended it to me. And they were like, if you read this and you do all these things, then within 12 weeks, your child will be sleeping 12 hours a night. And I was like, oh, great. I'll just read that book. And then it comes, you've got the child. And you're like, in my head, it was like someone had given me the manual. And then it's like,'ve got the child, and you're like, in my head it was like someone had given me, like, the manual. And then it's like, oh, no, wait a minute, this is a human being.

Yeah. And I'm there, and I'm rubbing the bit between their eyes as if that's just going to send them to sleep, like I'm Crocodile Dundee taming that cow thing. And it's just like, I've never felt so kind of impotent in my life. The things you think you can achieve before you have a child. Well, that's why. Lou read all the books.

I read none, so I thought they were a happy medium then. They are. Those books that tell you how to put a child to sleep are a total waste of time. They're all different. I tell you what, the only book I did read was about the labour, right? So I've got to beat hands on here because Lou's doing it. But I read it up until the point where the baby come out. And I tell you what, the placenta was a shock.

I did not know what that really was or that it was going to happen. I thought we had twins for like 10 minutes. Are you going to clean that one up or what? What's happening here? Oh, my God. I'm going to say it, right? Not the best day of my life. Oh, mate, I'm with you. Not the best day of my life. Oh, mate, I'm with you.

Not the best day of my life. One of the worst, I'd say. Yeah. Anyone that says that is the best day of their life is an absolute psychopath. Yeah. It's all right. Lou's water's broke in the corridor, right, of the hospital. I panicked, took my jogging bottoms off and gave them to her.

I was stood there in my pants. What was the best day of your life? Oh, it was probably seeing the person I love the most in real, real pain. That's just not the best day of your life. No, it's not. That's a harrowing situation to go through. It's a necessary evil to have a kid.

But let's not put pressure on people to pretend that if you don't find it magical, that you're some kind of dead inside idiot. Magical? I barely found it tolerable. It was awful. It was awful. Yeah, throw it out there. One of the worst days of my life. Yeah. Top five. Top five worst days of my life. And I shit myself in the tube once, and that's not even in the top five.

Right. Should we get on our guests? Yes. This week, I'm so excited this week, Josh. He's an absolute legend of TV and one of, you know, a household name. Jonathan Ross, I love him. He's at home with his wife and he's got three children. I think they were 22, 23 and 29 and they all live in their own flat. So he's got a lot of time to himself.

So this is a great episode for a bit of nostalgia and advice, wouldn't you say, Josh? It really does make me feel like at least there's light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, it may be 40 years' time, but there will be that light. Hello, Jonathan Ross. How are you? I'm good, Josh. How are you? I'm good, thank you. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm surprised to hear that, because you're the sort of person I would characterise as being someone who would catastrophise things. And seeing as we are in the middle of what would genuinely be considered a catastrophe, I would have thought you'd be having a massive meltdown.

I've reached a point of calm, actually, because all the things I've been worried about for 37 years of my life have finally come true. So I'm finally in my element. It's like the OCD dream, isn't it? These people just laughing at you. Come on, there must have been some things you worried about that haven't happened in this pandemic. But you think you've had it anyway, don't you, Josh? I do think I have had it.

You're pathetic. The number of people who've told me they've had it, and they clearly haven't. You ridiculous, self-regarding, narcissistic, hypochondriac hobbit and i mean that in the nicest possible way i get the feeling you haven't spoken to anyone for a couple of days jonathan you've sort of really unleashing on him i feel liberated society's broken down i can be my true self yeah how are you how are you feeling about the the

pandemic you're all right you're what's what's your set up at the moment there's two responses on the personal level i'm fine i do have moments of sadness and melancholy mainly not not remotely worried about myself but worried about my kids and also that you know people friends of mine their kids not just their health currently but just what the future is going to be like for them. You know, because you think, OK, there's going to be huge financial implication going forward. There's going to be educational implications with all the kids who are doing the exams at the moment who aren't able to sit the exam. And that's going to be a weird blip. And like, you know, whether or not we are now wired up to the fact that we're going to there will be. I hate to break this to you, Josh, but there will be more pandemics like this.

Yeah. You know, unless we totally change the way we interact with other countries and the way we socially interact with each other. So you think the future, actually, we grew up, we were lucky. I was especially because I'm considerably older than you. You grew up in a sort of happy haze where you didn't think anything major would ever happen and everything would roll over and everything would either be the same or get slightly better. Now, I think there's a degree of uncertainty and anxiety which i suspect will never go away so on that level and

on the level of knowing that there are people out there really suffering and people doing really hard jobs under the worst possible conditions and people dying then i'm as miserable as everyone else on a personal level i'm having a lovely time i'm not working and i don't have to work you can't we can't really work i know you're about to do your tv show from home josh but you know it's like we're not working and you don't feel bad about we're not working because you can't and no one else is working yes you go out for a walk my dogs have never had so many walks my cats are loving it and i'm lucky i've got you know obviously we're all lucky that i mean i assume you both have got a garden I've got a big garden so you already you're you're so lucky just to be in that situation

so really I'm I'm counting all my blessings and enjoying it and are your kids at home with you are they in their own places well I'm relieved to say they're in their own places and safe in their own places I once again feel really lucky because even though I loved having them as little children and there are moments in recent years where my wife and I go, Oh, it'd be lovely to have little children in the house again. And wasn't that great? Wasn't that wonderful? Right now, I could not be more relieved. I mean,

having to find things to do for the kids all day and stop them from worrying and keep them busy and, and getting tired for bedtime and worrying about that. And I saw the footage I saw on your Instagram feed, Rob, I saw you were being beaten up by an infant by a bird in the morning. I thought, oh, I do not miss that. Oh, yeah, they're just so on top of you. It's relentless.

There's no – and you try and do a good thing like take them for a walk in the woods with, like, puddle jump suits on and get all muddy, and then they just scream, and you end up just carrying these two lifeless sort of bodies. They've just given up, thrown over your shoulders all around and then one of my youngest at the moment is just screaming go away from me daddy i don't like you that's a new thing you picked up on what society thinks obviously yeah you've been reading the guardian um so what does your day involve jonathan like Like, you've got total freedom, right?

Have you got a routine, or do you just do whatever? As I said, my life is kind of as it was before. You know, like, we don't have to get up crack of dawn early. What time are you getting up? Normally, I do wake up quite early. Jane wakes up quite early, because she's very sensitive to noise and light and all that sort of nonsense. So she'll normally wake up at 7.38,

and I'll sleep next to her for as long as i can get away with it which is normally until about 9 30 when she'll find a way wait me go oh i'm sorry can i open the blinds and we sleep we sleep with our dog we've got an old dog who sleeps with us who smells terrible but it's quite good because it does obviously cover your own if you are if off steam. Yeah, right. Okay. But I like doing all the washing. I've bought myself a lovely floor steam cleaner. I do the litter trays for the cats twice a week, and then I do a big hoover, do the steam clean all over,

go out in the garden, have a bit of a tidy, come back in, massive shit, lovely hot shower, have a nap, go downstairs, watch a Japanese movie. I'm working my way through a 25 film box set of Zatoichi, the blind swordsman. Maybe, I mean, occasionally, if I know my wife is tucked away upstairs, occasionally masturbate. Then maybe have a snack to get my energy levels back up. Potter around a bit, do a bit of drawing, maybe go for a walk,

take the dogs back down the end of the garden. I planted some flowers for the bees the other day feed the fish checking on my wife's dad he's self-isolating down the end we've got a lot of separate area he lives i trimmed his hair yesterday with some clippers i bought from amazon it was very quite an odd intimate moment having an elderly man uh sort of sitting in between your knees on the steps while you shaved his head. And seeing as he's Jewish, I tried to get away with leaving those two curly bits on the side. But he wasn't having any of it.

Oh, you're living the dream. But this is what my life was like before, really, apart from the odd intrusion of having to go to a studio. Are you in touch with your kids a lot? Are you doing all that Zoom and all that kind of stuff family zoom family zoom quizzes sadly yes i mean we haven't found that the quiz thing really works we did do one that my daughter set up with some young friends of hers and we were tragically uh out of step anyway because it was all stuff about on on ariana grande's second album, and we're like, ah, for fuck's sake, really? Which one of the Kardashians?

And we went, we don't know. How do we know this? We got a very, very... But when you interview them, Jonathan, you sound so interested in their albums. Josh. Yes. I'm going to treat that with the contempt.

If you do. As a fellow professional, I expect you to know this. I have seen you sitting on the couch simpering up to some of the worst people in the world. I had the good manners not to mention you. I apologise. I would expect you to reciprocate the courtesy. Thank you. I imagine you guys are missing terrifically doing live work as well,

because I know you were in the middle of your tour, Rob, so that must have been a really kind of unpleasant thing to have to pull the plug on, because A, you know you were out there, you've got the material ready, and that material, you can never do that the same again. Oh, he'll try. So that material that you wrote in the,

I don't know when it was, it's from the, your material's sort of like early 90s, isn't it? It's like reading the only big magazine from 92. I'm like the audience's older brother

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Are your kids doing all right in this situation then, Jonathan? Yes. I mean, I think for my youngest one in particular, my oldest one, she's kind of, she was not sure what she wanted to do, but she was sort of drifting along quite happy. And I think she's, in a way, I think this is nice because it's given her the chance not to have to answer questions about, well, are you going to finish your, she's, she got a, she got a BSc in biology, then she got the PhD, and then she was studying for the Masters, or the other way around. And it's like she put it on hold for a year,

so she'd have a year off, and she was working. And I think it's that thing where, you know, I don't know whether she was quite certain what path, whether she wanted to stay in academia or do something else. So I think in a way, for her, it's been a breathing space. And my son, he's working, so it hasn't really affected him. My youngest daughter, I think she's finding it very hard, because also she's single. So to be single and young when you'd be out there and meeting people and and

having fun and feeling like your life is all happening for that to be put on hold that is um is pretty tough i think yeah i think she's the one probably finding it hardest in many ways the other two are with their partners you see and she's she's holed up with her flatmates so at least they've got company um but it's still it's still kind of i think difficult knowing that the world is out there and you're keen to be part of it see i don't want to be out you know what i mean it's like i don't miss going out anywhere i don't want to go to restaurants i don't want to go to clubs i don't i don't i mean i like quite like going to the cinema but i'm just as happy watching at home you know so i'm not missing anything whereas you can see they are missing that the sort of like

the life that they want to throw themselves into which just isn't there for them anymore my wife's mum I'm like oh god it's stressful having small kids and she says whatever age they are you're stressed about them just in a different way do you think that's a fair assumption on the parenting thing does it ever get easier or does it just get difficult in different ways you know what when people that, it's really bullshit. Yes. You should tell her that for me. I will.

Of course, you never stop worrying about them, but it's nothing like the worry when they're little because when they're little, you're worried about everything. You're worried about, have they eaten enough? What's that rash? Did they bump their head? Where are they? Have they put their feet in the plug?

Why isn't he speaking properly? Why is she playing with that weird toy all the time has she got a problem you know i mean we had that with all our kids you know i mean one of my children i'm pretty sure it has a level of autism and we we did she was very late to talk and she fixed on certain things and she was very strange around people and we took her to be assessed and but not for that because this was early 90s when that wasn't really talked about as much and now we found the medical report and clearly we showed it someone they said yes now she would be absolutely diagnosed as autistic but back then she was so we were dealing with all those worries and you have those worries

when they're little now i don't give a shit what she's up to i mean she's not my problem anymore if she needs help i'm'm here. Of course I'm here. Unconditionally, 100%. For the rest of the time, don't even tell me. And my wife sometimes goes, I'm really worried. I go, stop. I don't want to hear it. They're fine. Ignorance is good. They're adults. They can deal with it themselves. If they can't, they've got phones. All right? But don't do that. I don't want to be carrying around the emotional worry

about what might happen. I worry about it when it does happen. Jonathan, we normally ask our guests that have got kids at home during this what they'd do if they had the house to themselves all day, but obviously you're getting that. So what would you do if you had 24 hours and your children had been transported back

to a three-year-old, a four-year-old, and a nine ten-year-old as they would have been and you've got them for the day? How would you approach it? See, Rob, I'll tell you what's wrong with that question. If I had them for a day, I would be thrilled. It would be a delight. You know, it's a fantasy we have that you go back and have them small again for maybe a week. You know what I mean? And you go, I'll clear everything else.

Because life, you appreciate it differently. I'll look back and say okay savor every second of this and you can say i could say that to you guys now have you got kids by the way yeah yeah i've got one kid one kid yeah how two and a half two and a half okay so what a lovely age and you look back but even though it's a gorgeous age at the same time it's tiring and it's sometimes tiresome having kids you know it's like oh i've got to do this and you've got to do this and oh my, my God, I've got to do this now. And there are moments within that day where you have moments, I'm sure, of sheer joy that they're there. And the joy their life brings you. But other times it's a pain in the backside. And it's because it's kind of never ending when you've got them. It's never ending. You know, you're going to have them like that. And it's going to be even in three years time.

They're going to be it's going to be you're going to have to worry every second And it's going to be, even in three years time, they're going to be, it's going to be, you're going to have to worry every second about who's got, who's got them. Where are they? What are we doing? Who's making the food? You know, are the beds clean? All that.

Whereas if you had them for short period only, you could go, okay, come on. I've made a lovely craft castle for you children. After this, we're going to watch one of your favorite films and then let's make marshmallow ghosts. And I'm going to go find some butterflies in the garden.

And I'll get a bit happy. Yes, of course. And I'll think, oh, I can do that again tomorrow because it won't be that I feel I'm missing out in any way. Whereas, you know, whereas now, if I had them full time, I think, at that age, I think I would find it frankly exhausting because I'm going to be 60 in November.

So it's not like you want to dump that on someone. I've no idea what Ronnie Wood's thinking, but, you know, people go out and crank them out. Oh, you oh you think good luck to you I don't know why you would do that yourself so if I had to have a full time now I think I would find it I would find it at times lovely but I think it must be very difficult to be living through this with children's respect and I do feel for you do you kind of look back on that time and wish you'd appreciated it more or is that just a kind of I mean it's easy to say that isn't it well I do and I don. Do you kind of look back on that time and wish you'd appreciated it more? Or is that just a kind of, I mean, it's easy to say that, isn't it? Well, I do and I don't.

Because here's the thing. I did appreciate it. Even at the time, I kept saying to myself, you know, you're going to miss this. And so I tried to appreciate it as much as possible. Ultimately, I mean, back then, my wife wasn't working. So I was earning all the money we needed for the house. So I did feel the pressure for that. And my career, as all careers really in our line of work go kind of was somewhat rollercoaster you know up and down

up and down and so you had periods where you did worry and you felt like you should work hard and you would take on jobs that you didn't necessarily want to do or didn't find satisfying in any way apart from the paycheck and that's always a bit grim you know and bearing in mind my life compared to most people you know really I was there to collect them from school almost every day. And I got to see them a lot, a lot, a lot. So I don't really regret any of it. But I think even at the time, you know it's fleeting. But you can't enjoy it any more than you're enjoying it.

You know what I mean? It's like you're enjoying it as much as you can probably. Because even if you might look back and say, I wish I'd enjoyed it more, you're incapable of enjoying it more yeah you know you yeah you can't how you react to things even when you're aware of stuff you know so uh i i don't look back on it with any regret i just i do miss it i miss aspects of them being lovely and i miss having small people in the house i mean my my wife's father isn't very tall so he's kind of he makes things adapt you know um if i i'm not wearing my glasses get him in a high chair give him some beans on toast and you you haven't seen the kids then

i've seen them i've seen them from like a safe distance yeah i mean two of them we see them on the screen a lot of course you know when we do house party but i've dropped stuff by for um the various you know, my daughter, I've dropped stuff to her house. She ran out of something and one of them used an inhaler and they'd run out of the inhaler and I had a spare one. They used to leave it at the house. So I took that down and left it outside.

But we haven't been in their houses and we haven't touched them or, you know what I mean, you see them out of them. And that's nice. I find that more than enough, frankly. My wife said, oh, I really miss hugging them. I was like, oh, really? OK. I don't miss hugging people, to be honest with you.

It's not a big deal. It wasn't a big part of my life in that respect. I've never been a big fan of the hug on a meeting as well, especially I noticed, because before I started doing, like, comedy or TV stuff, everyone's quite huggy. But before, when I worked at, like, the flower market, no one would hug you when you arrived at work. and now i hate the hug i agree with you i prefer a much more transactional relationship hello you're here to do a job for me please do the job then leave

yes you know how you doing all right you know it's like and you go to the office it's like oh hello you're working with people you've got to pretend they're all your friends well some of them are nice enough but they're not automatically my mate because you're working on my show um rob you always have a uh final question oh yeah it's um has there been a highlight or a low light of lockdown for you where a point you thought oh this is amazing and then a moment you thought oh god this is actually quite bleak and boring well i mean when we had that period of sunshine and that was amazing going out in the garden and one night it was warm and sunny and i thought okay no one no one's been in my house all day which i love and i realized i really like that i work with the woman i work with the producer of

my show she's called b ballard and her dad was the great science fiction writer jg ballard and she told me he hated having work in his house and she grew up and every time something broke he would find a cheap way of fixing himself so once all their central heating went eventually they had fan heaters in every room so all of her childhood all she imagines is and all she remembers is the noise of fan heaters not have trades people and that's the fix he hated and people in the house and i'm beginning to understand that vibe it's like i don't want anyone else in my house it's my house i'll do everything in there i'll clean it i'll wash it i'll do the sheets don't worry about that i'll get rid of the rubbish. So I've been enjoying doing that. And after a day of what felt like fairly honest labour,

it was such a sunny evening and we've got a little fire pit outside. So I put some logs in that and started the fire. My wife made some tea and we sat out in the garden together just having dinner with that. And I thought, this is lovely. Because even though the world's going crazy around us

and all that, I just thought, this is lovely. This is idyllic. It really is like being on an extended lovely holiday in which everyone's told to leave you alone. And being something of an introvert in real life, you know, I like talking to people and I like that, but I don't really like hanging out with people. I find it's fine for me if it's got a limit.

You know, that's why I quite like doing other people's shows. Occasionally I like playing tennis with people because I know it's going to start and I know it's going to finish. Yes. And then they're going to leave. I don't like just hanging around. That's't I don't like going out for dinner with people you're sitting I think can I go now or do I have to pretend I'm still having a good time so in some ways I think if you can get the frame of mind right where you think okay

the the world is pretty much as it was it's just that we've got to be more cautious around each other then hopefully you can kind of enjoy life as much as you ever did and I would like to think people are finding moments of enjoyment with it and there's been moments of great cheer you know we all kind of like celebration like seeing that old gentleman who's managed to walk you know in his garden and ways I think now it's 30 million well that's an amazing testament to like you know just fortitude and goodness and and and the kindness of people and looking at an old man doing that and the fact that we're all looking at older people and feeling protective of them and seeing him as a wonderful thing,

I think that's one of the, there'll be a lot of good things that come out of this. And so I try and focus on that. You know, there'll be a lot of good things. Finally, perhaps the government, even the white wing government that we've got at the moment, will respect and look after our health workers. Maybe, you know, maybe we'll all be a little bit less grumpy when an amazon delivery guy turns up in the morning why would i go now for fuck's

sake mate you haven't got all the parts it's like thank you for getting in your van so early i think hopefully we're going to feel all a bit more connected and a greater degree of kind of like kinship and connectedness with those around us. Brilliant. Yeah. Thanks, Jonathan. Lovely speaking to you. Look after your kids. Jonathan Ross. Amazing. I love him so much. I absolutely, he was a hero of mine growing up.

And the fact that, I think this is a bit schmaltzy, but the fact that I've been on his show and we get to have the opportunity to talk to him, it's such a, for me, such a buzz. I don't know about you, Jonathan. Yeah, no, I love it. When I was downstairs, I was like, sorry, I've just got to go upstairs to my office to interview jonathan ross and you're like

how the fuck has this happened yeah i know it's madness isn't it a worldwide lockdown and no one's got any work on that's why it would have never happened in normal circumstances never do you know what's quite for me and it's quite liberating was hearing him talk about the pressure of having young kids and providing. Do you know what was most liberating? Being told that when they grow up, it's not as much stress. So I've only got 16 years left. Yeah.

So the stress is gone. Honestly, I'm not even 16. I say you've got 14 years left. When they get to 16, they get a part-time job. And as far as I'm concerned, they're halfway out the house. Get on with your life, strap a pair on and believe in yourself. I'm here if you need me, but otherwise, see you later. And I think a good parent is getting to the point where you can fuck them off

and you don't feel guilty about it because they're strong enough to survive. That's the main thing. That's the main thing. Keep your eyes on that. 20, 32. That's your deadline, Rob. It was quite inspiring at the end i thought jonathan the way i was talking about you know people's approach to the world after having stuff taken

away from them in lockdown i found that quite motivating i i think it's interesting to think whether people will live differently i mean i say that within 24 hours i'll be in the pub do you know yeah yeah but that's fine as well. But I think sometimes you could, it used to be like sad to stay in or, oh, you're not going to see your mates or stuff like that, whether you want to or not. And especially for like introverts, I think I'm at semi like Jonathan in a way where big, loud,

confident people, but I actually quite like being on my own a lot of the time and being left alone. And I think hopefully this lockdown will make people appreciate that when stuff's taken away from you you don't actually need it if you can become comfortable with yourself it's like just a distraction away from your worries and your anxieties and stresses like holidays and weddings and birthdays and you know McDonald's drive-thru and all those little things the big three weddings holidays McDonald's drive-thrus they are in my world I've got rid of bingo

I've moved up a level and that was quite sweet as well like when he said if you had them for the day and how much he'd love that and I really feel I felt like his voice light up when he was thinking about

having his kids for the day and he just sort of went on this thing of we'll do and he listed all the things he did with his kids like marshmallow ghost and let's find butterflies and all those sort of things and it just sort of went on this thing of we'll do and he took listed all the things he did with his kids like marshmallow goes to let's find butterflies and all those sort of things and it just sort of it does i know it's a bit like it's far away from what i've been doing with my daughter for the last week as i could possibly imagine he didn't have paw patrol on

demand in his house did he back in the 90s you had bike in grove if he was lucky um thank you to jonathan for doing the show thank you to everyone uh for listening um Grove if you was lucky. Thank you to Jonathan for doing the show. Thank you to everyone for listening. Yes. If you want to get in touch about anything, this is how. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. So if you enjoyed that, people, please can you subscribe to the podcast? Can you review us?

Give us five stars. It all helps in the rankings to get. We want to be number one, don't we, Josh? We want to be number one. No one does this to be number two. I love that. Hopefully people will be more relaxed and realize things don't really matter and they can just be happy with themselves.

We want to be number one in the podcast, and if we're not, we're failures and my kids will starve. Get it downloaded. In the list of things in the world that don't matter, I'd say the iTunes podcast charts have to be pretty near the top. It's got to be nonsense. I swear every new one goes to number one and then drops off to obscurity within about a week.

But hopefully we'll hang on in there. Thank you very much for listening goodbye hello and welcome to john richardson and the future noughts i am john richardson professional whingebag and defeatist and i am joined by the future nuts who are Mark Stevenson, hello. Hello. And Ed Gillespie, hello. Hello. Mark and Ed are the two experts who are invited before I make a series like Ultimate Warrior to make me look more informed and intelligent and this podcast will attempt to lay bare that entire process by proving that in fact I know nothing and they know everything. Each episode we'll discuss some of the problems facing

our society and through an attempt to find some optimism we'll offer up some solutions as well as my co-pilots on this journey mark and ed are um insightful interesting and witty people and they can tell you exactly what the future will be in five years right guys i'm not sure that's strictly true, but, you know. No, I'll take it. Yes, take the compliment where it's offered. They both know more than me and, frankly, are of more use to society than me. However, people seem to follow me on Twitter and not them.

So this podcast is an attempt to reverse that process. If I have one goal for this podcast series, it's that by the end, I have three followers left, and they are my wife, my neighbors, and my mom. And everyone else has realized, why wouldn't I just listen to these two in the first place?