Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP40: Under the table floor picnic

Episode Date: September 11, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP40: Under the table floor picnicMore misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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yummy, creamy, hearty goodness. Choose from loads of delicious, more-ish flavors ready in only two and a half minutes. We're talking yummy, creamy, hearty goodness. Choose from loads of delicious Moorish flavors ready in only two and a half minutes. It's not cup food, it's good food in a cup. Visit Knorr.com to learn more. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell, the show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills.

Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Ready? Can you say Rob Beckett? What's Beckett?

Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Very good. Very cute. Who's that, Josh? That is four-year-old Millie, daughter of Gemma Somerton. She has mild hearing loss, which has affected her speech development, That is four-year-old Millie, daughter of Gemma Somerton. She has mild hearing loss, which has affected speech development, but I think she's done a pretty good job considering.

Yeah, she smashed that. Yeah, absolutely smashed that. Thank you to Millie. Thank you to Gemma, who's described our podcast as a comedy life boy in a sea of awfulness during lockdown. Nice. We should put that on a we don't have posters do we no i think we should start doing posters i don't know whether that do you think we should do you think we should start flyering door to door we could pay someone

to go door to door flyering i reckon we should do flyering outside um it's probably an absolute covid nightmare that and it flyering you hand out little bits of paper to commuters all panicked about going back to the office in September. Hello, have that, have that, have that, shouting in their faces. Yeah, it's probably just easier just to go on Steve Wright again, isn't it? That's probably got more cut through. Or can everyone listening to this just tell two people today to listen to it? Or, good thing to do is or

just grab their phone and subscribe to it like if you're your granddad he's got loads of unused stories to album that just ended up on people's itunes yeah just do that so grab that grab an old person's phone and then just subscribe to it and it will just keep downloading it and it'll look like they're listening to it even if they're not that'd be good wouldn't it is that a good idea yeah i think that is a good idea. I like that idea. Yeah, okay, let's do that. Rather than do posters. Subscribe old people to this podcast.

But the problem will be then suddenly our demographics on iTunes and the software will skew massively. And people are like, there's loads of 80-year-old people who've all subscribed on the same day. And I'll be like, hey, Josh, have you heard about these pants you wear that when you piss yourself, they're great? Aren't crops comfy? How are you, Rob?

I'm pretty good, you know. Kids are all behaving back at school now. So I've got a bit more time to myself. And also, I remembered when I went on that camping trip um when it wasn't windy it was really sunny right and um i got a bit of feedback on my parenting by another one of the parents and all right you don't realize what you're doing face to face face to face yeah it was red hot and sunny and then we'd been on the beach and then we went to have fish and chips and was on this bench and it was like there was no cloud there was no umbrellas it was like red hot and everyone's they've all got like two-year-old four-year-old like oh this is too hot for the kids we haven't

even put cream on them yeah and i was like oh it's too hot i hate it and i'm trying to like sit beside them and cover up and in the end i went what about a special under the table floor picnic and and the kids are like yeah that'd be fun basically they just sat on the floor and ate chips but like under a table under a table but they were in shade right so it's quite a good idea because it kept them quiet they were safe under there and they weren't getting burnt right and then he said to me this break went you you just sell stuff like it's the best thing ever even though it's a crap option i would say he's aware of your career maybe he was talking about my stand-up maybe they weren't parenting

you just like and before like the kids when we was out camping the kids were like getting a bit moody and what how about we go in your special bed with your teddies and watch your ipads and i realized i sell stuff like i'm a kid's tv presenter and i and i can just have there but for the grace of god so and it was like i didn't realize i'd do it but basically i find that i work out what i want them to do and then i in my head just fuck away a way of selling it as like the most exciting thing ever for a kid see that's much better than my attitude which is i'll attempt to half-heartedly sell something fail and then think oh fuck this then we'll just do what the yeah this is a write-off yeah that's the skills you have from columbia road at 4am on a sunday morning rock exactly you're a salesman i'm a salesman yes

i think that's what it is really where how what age do you think that will carry you through till like do you do you think like that would work with a 12 year old like what age is your child gonna go oh fucking hell leave it out mate but yeah because that's what she's going do you want to sit on the floor and eat your chips yeah there's a no in it did you get under the table yourself no they did so you just told them to go under the table yeah which actually like written down don't i always think that's not great in an email does it like rob no rob just forced his children to eat chips on the floor um but yeah that so I found that

quite interesting because I didn't realize I did it but now he's pulled it up I realized that I go into salesman mode it's rocket shoes all over again or whatever it was yeah exactly just just working out what it is you want them to do and sell it and selling it week on week we should have a challenge on the podcast where you see what kind of shit you can sell to your children what can Rob make his children do through pure salesmanship? Yeah, give me a challenge. Give him a challenge. The other thing I do is I do soldiers.

So if I wanted to get them to tidy, I go, right, soldiers, report for duty, line up soldiers, and I get them to line up and then get them to salute. And we do like a march. And then I go, your mission is to get all of these toys in this. Let's go to that. And I'm like a sergeant major. And they love that. that works you are like a proper kind of you are like a parent from a CITV show aren't you yeah I've just got a lot of energy and my voice sounds like a kids entertainer yeah so I didn't realize it did but yeah it does but anyway that was I didn't notice

I did that until this bloke pulled me up on it I think that's I think that's a very good skill set to have in parenting yes but you didn't realize you had it and now are you going to be self-conscious about it or are you going to doubly embrace it that's the question oh you know me I'll double I'll double it you double down in a situation I'll double down in any situation don't worry about that um but yeah so I didn't realize that was one of my techniques so if you've got um anything you want Rob to try and make his children do within the, you know. God, yeah, that sounds a bit awful, doesn't it? Like some sort of child whisperer.

Also, I think because of the, we're recording these ahead of time due to people going on holidays. Where are you going on holiday, are you allowed to say? I am going to Canberra Sands. Oh, are you? Very nice. Got an Airbnb. It'll be very nice. Be very pleasant. Your children will be back'll be very nice. Be very pleasant.

Your children will be back at school by then, Rob. Yes. Have you taken your daughter on an overseas holiday yet? Yes. We went to Greece. Yeah. For a week,

two years ago, two years ago. Oh, right. So she would have been like 11 months. Yeah. And we got away with the flight, but you're basically,

it was three hours and you're basically seeing it in like five minute increments. Aren't you? If I can just get her through the next five minutes by rattling these keys. I'm like, I remember when she did a shit, I was absolutely delighted. So you could get out going to change her in the toilet.

That's at least five to 10 minutes killed straight away with doing something rather than sitting there panicked. You're just looking for things to do to distract her. And changing her on a small table in a tight little toilet is absolutely perfect. It's like a kind of escape room game. Yeah. Well,

my mate's gone to Turkey and he's got a one-year-old and a three-year-old. And I said, how was the flight with the kids? And he replied, ahour live in hell oh my god yeah no she held it together thank god oh good and then we went to a place that was was very nice we had a lovely time oh so it was a success i'm just quite anxious the whole time you can't enjoy your holiday because you keep checking the news especially the job we do you can't we't do quarantine. I don't want to be in a situation where I have to rush back from Greece so that I don't get put in quarantine and have to watch you sitting in my seat on the last leg for two weeks.

Oh, yeah. Imagine that. That would infuriate. Absolutely. Although I am hoping for lockdown in Melbourne, obviously, before the series restarts. Anyway. How have you been, though, um oh i've been okay all right so i've got two things to discuss also we still need to talk

about your getting drunk story we will do that let's show me as a as a nice person first okay or should we get it out of the way let's get it out of the way for the listeners do you want to get out of the way for the listeners i tell it and i think it's fair if i tell it and then you correct me yes because i was i was much more sober than you so this would be two christmases ago yeah in a fancy like members club that i've never been in before or since yeah so we were at a fancy christmas drinks held by a celebrity yes the kind of thing i never really get invited to then the celebrity drinks i'm usually invited to end with you and tom allen drunk at 1am having a go on your exercise bike in your shed yeah this was a bit more top level wasn't it top bra this was this was top brass i'm gonna say

richard bacon was there it was top bra um who i've never met but um i have heard he's absolutely lovely anyway um oh i've got i've got an addendum to this as well by the way rob yeah um so anyway it was it was one of those places where they just pour you champagne which i've never really been in that situation where it's just on tap and also i can't drink champagne because it makes me throw up it makes you hiccup doesn't it it makes me hiccup and then throw up. And so inevitably I threw up in the middle of the room while we were talking to Danny Baker's daughter. Yes. So it was that kind of, it was that kind of party.

Yeah. But you don't, you don't throw up. What you do is you do like these weird little barks where you go, it's almost like an acid reflux. Have you seen, have you seen the showf, where the boy turns into the dog? That's actually what's happening to me. Yeah, so it's like you sort of go like that, and a little bit comes out, but it's not a full six. But do you know what?

I was talking to my wife last night about how I haven't thrown up in about a year. Oh, yeah. I think that is a grim reflection on how badly my private life's going in terms of going out. Well, finish your side of the story and then I'll, I'll put the pieces together. Well, no,

correct me as we go. And then you stepped in like an absolute hero and kind of shepherded me down some stairs to the toilet and then went back and cleaned up after me. Well, yeah, so it was me and you, we were talking to, uh,

Bonnie Baker and Danny Baker got off somewhere. Lou was there and Rose was there. Okay. You did like a little bark thing, right? And you just were sick a little bit and it sort of landed, like a dog was being sick, like it landed a little sort of like,

like tiny, like mini pizza. I can't tell you how many bubbles I had inside me at this point. It was like, it was the size of, I'd say like a little splat of like a cheeseburger, right? A little tiny cheeseburger splat on the floor where you went like that. As you did that and did that sick,

your wife and my wife and Danny Baker's daughter just turned away and walked away immediately. Abandoned you, right? You then turned around to see where they were going and was stood, I'd say probably about 30 centimetres away from the back of Andrew Lloyd Webber's head. Now, I'm going to say it, Rob. Yeah. You say from the back of Andrew Lloyd Webber's head. Now I'm going to say it, Rob. Yeah.

You say that throwing up on Andrew Lloyd Webber would ruin some career chances for me. I think you've totally misjudged where you see my career going. No, but what I'm saying is you were stood there and as you were about to do another weird little sick burp, I grabbed you by the arms and just pointed you in the corner of the room and you were sick in the corner. But if you'd been, you were facing the whole party. So if you were sick of Andrew Lloyd, everyone would have seen. And I can't imagine either would have taken it well. Right.

And then, so I just dragged you down the stairs like a bouncer and you was doing loads of little burger six all the way. And you went, I'll be all right. I went, no, you won't. I threw you in a cubicle and I had to take loads of tissue and I had to follow it like Hansel and Gretel, this little trail of Widdicombe patties of just scooping up this sick all the way to the corner of the room. And somehow no one noticed. And I can't believe it.

And that was fine until you said it on Britain's fourth most popular podcast. You were so close to being sick on Andrew Lloyd Weboyd weber's head and part of me can't believe i didn't allow that to happen because what how much better would the story have been oh my god i wonder whether i mean that would have it would have at least ended up in the bizarre column of the sun dan wootton would have been all over that um um yeah so then charlie brooker who's a very nice man was there yeah and i was confident that he'd seen the situation. Then we had him on hypothetical last series. Yeah.

And I was so stressed the whole day. Cause I was thinking I haven't seen Charlie Brooker before or since that incident. I'd never met him except in that situation. Yeah. But did he mention it? Yeah. It was the first thing he said.

He said, last time I saw you and I thought, here we fucking go but he was absolutely lovely about it what did he say he was just like oh yeah that was funny wasn't it and also i've got this thing where if i see someone being sick i want to be sick myself and i thought he's taking this very well charlie booker is one of the nicest people you will ever meet which is yes he considering his reputation as a kind of, you know... It's always the ones that are...

Like, Frankie Boyle is such a nice person. Yeah, really nice. But you don't expect it. Like, yeah... Do you know you don't want to trust anyone that's too nice on screen, Rob? Anyone that's too nice on screen. You saying about me?

You saying I'm a robot? I'm just trying to let the audience know. Hang on, what is this podcast? Is this podcast now the 3am girls? What have we become? Let's talk about parenting. What was you going to say about your parenting thing? Oh, so I've got a genuine question about the parenting.

Yep. Two genuine questions about parenting. Number one, since daughter going back to nursery and then I'm kind of working much more full time, absolutely lurched into her being obsessed with rose and not not being a fan of me again and i wondered have you had this situation rob with a two-year-old where basically you go away and you you work full-time and then suddenly you're in the bad books and it's an absolute nightmare because there's pressure

on the time you're with them and i wondered it's an absolute nightmare because there's pressure on the time you're with them and i wondered whether loads of people are having this at the moment i hope they are because it's a if it's just me i'm having an absolute nightmare so she just hates you at the moment i'd say 60 of the time oh yeah i and yeah i i had this when i was working loads and touring and then you feel really guilty because when you come back and you're home for like a couple of days they just don't want to know and they just want their mum all the time yeah but it's different when I was working loads and touring and then you feel really guilty. Cause when you come back and you're home for like a couple of days, they just don't want to know. And they just want their mom all the time.

Yeah. But it's different now. I've got two because the two year old doesn't want to know me at the moment, but then it means a four year old is like, Oh, I love daddy. Cause it's like a competition then.

So it's like, we just sort of, it's, it just, they go through phases of like, then the two year olds all over me. And then the four year olds all over a mom. But I do,

I think it's just a phase that they go through. but what you do is because you've got like that guilt what was the best way to deal with it because part of you wants to go well not like vocally but just go oh fuck you then but i mean what what an approach i'd love that record that and what like i read some i read an article it was like you should tell them how it makes you feel but then i'm like i don't want to put that on her. Oh, no, that's too needy. It's a really difficult situation. Do you know what I mean?

I don't think you need to do that. I pull them up on stuff when they go like, you're not my best friend. I'll say, well, that's not very nice. That's a bit of a mean thing to say. So they say, actively say something mean. I say, that's not a very nice thing to say. But that thing of like,

I just sit them down and talk them through it. Fuck off. She's two. She doesn't know what's going on. And also also some days i don't like anyone as well let her have that day you know imagine imagine the grown-up i always try to think like sort of treat like a grown-up right imagine if you went to work one day and it was a part your colleague was a bit off of you you'd just be like i've been a bit of a dick today i'll give him a swerve like you won't be like uh i just want to let you know that like the way you just grabbed that email off me like really make you know that i printed it out for you actually

it really made me feel like bad that you grabbed it i love your idea of what an office is printing someone out and printing out an email for someone else and then it being grabbed off you in a weird manner it's obvious i've worked in an office for a long time they're just printing out emails i'm fine could you just print out this emails for me and pass it to me? There are older people in offices that have to have emails printed out in front of them, which makes me laugh. Of course. Like the founders of the company, like multimillionaires,

and they're like, print out them emails for me. I can't be dealing with all them screens. So is it a general thing that happens to a lot of people, do you think? I think so. I mean, if there's anyone listening and it's happening to you, let us know. What are your tips and techniques? Because I just sort of let them ride it out as a phase.

But if you have got a technique, I haven't got one. But what if I'm still letting her ride it out at 16? And I'm thinking, just hold on in there. She's going to change her mind in a minute. I think we are, you know, as men that are parents of daughters, we are staring down the barrel of a five-year sort of purgatory.

They don't even talk to us. They're going to ignore it from the age of 13 to 18. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm fine with that. I've made my peace with that, but I'll be annoyed if I lose the first 13 years

before that as well. Yeah, what's the point? The distance is now closing up. I've only got 11 years until that purgatory starts. Yeah, it's like having just wander off never see him come back for food um so yeah i'd be interested in people's tips on that because um and what you've done and whether you just ride it out or whether there's things you can do because i'm not gonna lie to you rob it was a tense watch of moana yesterday oh great film though great film first time we

watched a film right so we've been watching the songs on youtube yeah right because we started watching the frozen songs and then it started showing the moana ones which are better and then we watched the film but whenever we got to one of the songs in the film she'd make us fast forward it because she didn't understand that they were part of the film and she thought we'd turned it on to something else so she's like no one watched the film again it was a really bizarre situation where we've watched all the songs and then we watched the film without the songs and one day we're going to put them both together oh it's going to be an absolute mind-blowing experience what's better than getting a small premium roast coffee and your favorite mcmuffin getting a small premium roast coffee and your

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Better than the first one. Is it? Big time. How would you rank Moana on the two Frozens? I'd go Frozen 2, Moana, then Frozen 1. I'm not a massive fan of Frozen 1. I like Let It Go, but I'm not a massive fan of it. I love Zootropolis.

It's really good. The first Secret Life of Pets 1 was great. Number 2 weren't great. I think it's because that to replace Louis CK because he kept on wanking on himself. So I think that was a bit of a, you know, quick turnaround. His secret life turned out to be far worse than that.

Secret Life of Pets. You never know what they get up to when they're in the doors all day, wanking on their chests. Have we run out of steam? No, I've got emails. Mate, I've never run out of steam. I was going to never run out of steam i was going to say one more thing i was going to say one more i just meant as a podcast in general um this i had an argument in the production office about that we was doing eight out of ten cats and

it was most talks about people of the year and one was jamie oliver and i said why are we doing why are we doing jamie oliver like he's not really done much this year he went all right how comes like you're running out of steam on him are you then i went i've never run out of steam in my fucking life mate across an office how dare you i will talk until you tell me not to i've never i've never run aground in my life um now another thing i wanted to discuss with you yeah genuine parenting concern yeah so your daughter's now one one's at preschool do you call it rather than nursery uh preschool yeah it's preschool that yeah because it's school hours and school holidays so she does like nine till three and then the four-year-old started primary school

yeah so with the primary carers and carers in nursery i feel such an a gratitude of debt towards them yeah i've probably never felt to anyone in my life do you feel it so i i first felt it you feel it with like the midwives and stuff in the hospital like this insane gratitude and like almost guilt that they're better people than you because of what they've done yeah and then you go to um nursery and you just feel like oh my god i owe these people so much they're so amazing yeah do you feel this or is this just me and then I was thinking how long is this going to go on am I going to be feeling this towards primary teachers they're not going to feeling towards like secondary

teachers as well I get what you mean when I stand at the preschool gates and I see 30 kids run into a room all with a bag and a coat and i just think imagine being in that room yeah i just it's it's an astonishing job yeah but i feel a genuine like guilt towards them that they are looking after my child and meanwhile i'm attempting to write some fucking jokes about jamie oliver do you know what i mean like well no but i think it's because you know but the same way as like people think oh my god I couldn't go on stage and do a stand-up that would like stress people out but no one no one feels a gratitude towards us Robin if they do but I don't obviously feel a gratitude towards like

people when they have my kid all day but I feel a bit more like oh my god I couldn't cope doing that job I just like I'd just have a meltdown after about 10 minutes. How long do you think you could do a day at nursery as a teacher? I reckon I'd do half hour and then I'd go to the toilet and try and drag out shit. You'd be able to do all your Sergeant Major stuff and stuff. Yeah, but it's different though as well. If your kids have all grown up and you love kids and stuff. I used to love kids.

Like when I was like in a shop and then someone would come with a baby i'd be like oh and i'd be that shop worker that would be like silly faces and make them laugh and mess about now i have got no time for other kids like i just can't i can't engage with it i don't want to do a puzzle with someone else's kid i'm like no offense your kid seems lovely you're a lovely couple i am at my absolute limit with engaging with children. I'm done, right? It's no offence, but I don't want to be involved in it. Get them away from me. There's going to come a point, Rob, when

your daughter has other children around to play and the parents won't come around to play, and you're going to have to look after kids that you can give a flying fuck about, mate. No, no, no. I get really, like, when they give a bit of attitude back, because I've just been like you fucking what and you've got no control but what I would say is you're you know obviously your daughter's younger

but even now like nearly five she's four and a half nearly five my eldest she will just like if she has a mate over they'll go and play in a room with them you don't you start you don't have to be fully involved in the play now. Yeah. Especially for you, as your daughter's younger and you've got one, it is quite intense one-on-one. But once she gets older and has mates around, they do just play on their own.

Yeah. So I think with the nursery stuff, as you get older and you have a bit more time and a bit more sleep, you realise they're not having the kid at home in the morning or in the evening so when they go in nine till three to look after him eight eight till five mate eight till five what do you do you get do you get them a uh a little christmas present or end of term present your nursery teachers of course we do mate and obviously you you try and go big so that you blow the other parents out the water so that your child gets the best treatment yeah of course that's how society works isn't it you'd have to be an idiot not to um josh i've got a um salty

tail do you want a salty tail yeah go on um this one's about me a bit of a change yeah um here we go so hello rob and josh you remember it yes i do but i think it's very unfair here we go so it's just uh anyway here is my salty kind of towel everyone is bashing josh this one is about rob last september i don't know something what's that bashing you everyone's not bashing josh there's been a few emails most of them being absolutely you know dismissed out of hand i think you are rest in face salty that's your problem i think if you're not engaged in a conversation you look salty even though you're not well i've been waiting for an email to come I don't think it will, because obviously they're not a listener to the podcast. Yeah.

But I went for lunch with my wife the other day, and there was a bass-heavy song being played. As a joke, I started kind of doing an amusing mime of someone playing the bass guitar. Yeah. And then I just clocked straight in the eyes someone who recognised me. And I thought, they must think that I am an absolute dickhead. Oh, I think that's okay. You're just having a bit of fun.

You're out. You're excited. I don't want to be the guy that plays bass guitar, slap bass guitar in the middle of my neighbour's The Dumplings. Now, because we do this salty thing, every time I interact with anyone out and about, I'm just constantly salt worried. So do you go to

them uh do you listen to the podcast they go no and you go fuck off then or if they say yeah I go fuck off you salty bitch and then they've got an email give it a content and it homegrown content so this is what so I did a gig the other week an outdoor gig in a pub beer garden in a down in Brighton way anyway so I get back in my car everyone's social distance everyone's apart blah blah anyway i get in my car and then i see a drunk woman and drunk man coming over to me i'm in the car window down like harry redknapp on transfer deadline day right and they come over and i knew it was gonna be trouble because the geezer couldn't walk and he shouted fucking wu-tang clan out loud for no reason. I don't know why. What time was it? Sorry?

About half nine in the evening. Oh, right. Yeah. Fucking Wu-Tang Clan! I was like, oh, God. And they went, can we get a picture? I went, yeah, cool. Did he think you were in the Wu-Tang Clan?

No, I don't know what he thought. But I don't think members of the Wu-Tang Clan drive a Nissan Qashqai of a roof box. I don't think that's a whip. No, no, I don't think it's a whip no no I don't think it is either way I was on guard because I thought this guy's gonna be lively so as his partner comes over she sort of does a selfie with me in the background he right listen remember that we're in a pandemic here he leans into the car puts his arm around me and cheek to cheek for a photo oh my god and i went mate like this is

it's a fucking coronavirus like i've actually done a gig outside to a social distance table you're basically getting off with me that is mad and i've got his arm went fuck off mate like he was like wrapped around me like also as well like an arm around your head outside of a car is a bit much. Yeah. He let in the car. That is totally unacceptable. That feels more like a carjacking than a selfie. And I went, oh, fuck off, mate, will you? And then as I did that, and then I had the picture of him from further away,

I drove off and I went, that's a salty email, isn't it? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. This episode is brought to you by Tresemme. Want silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution. This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. Wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with the Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection.

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That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Do you remember how we were talking about someone's kid who was into tarpaulin? Hell yeah. So this is from Sarah Hellyer. Still not a parent, but one of my friend's kids, when he was six or seven,

was obsessed with lawnmowers. He would want any catalogs with lawnmowers in. He could tell you the specs of different ones, and going to B&Q to look at mowers was his favorite day out as much as i don't like lawn mowers all that much it's a pretty fascinating to see a six-year-old be that knowledgeable about a niche subject you get actual advice from him yeah exactly if you were buying a lawn mower you'd have to go to a six-year-old i love i love it when kids are into sort of like really niche stuff yeah and i think, I think they normally it's like primary school. Then when they get to secondary school,

they've got to pretend they're just like football and fighting. But when you're at primary school, also at that age, if you're interested in something, you just absorb everything. Like the reason I know so much about like football from that nineties period is you could absorb every single fact that you just took in and now I couldn't tell you anything that's going on in football no even though I follow it but I could

tell you like who was in all the Panini albums all of that stuff is still in my brain yeah it's weird isn't it like I could tell you like the players that played for England like Darius Vassell Michael Ricketts and these random players have got like one cap but now I don't know who's in England I literally could tell you the starting line-up is for the England team. No, no, exactly I could struggle to tell you so much that I should nominally know as

someone who follows football but were you to ask me something from about 1991 it's still there and that kid is going to know so much about lawnmowers for the rest of his life he's got to start a lawnmower company surely he's got he's got it he's got to start a lawnmower museum mate there's got there needs to be a lawnmower museum but kids that are into very niche subjects um do keep them coming in we've got tarpaulin and we've got lawnmowers i've got a great uh i've got a

great uh message on insta about the sperm bank. Do you want this story? Oh, yeah, go on. I have the worst story for visiting the sperm bank. I'll leave him anonymous in case you don't want this. I turned up and another dad had taken his three-year-old daughter who was asking him lots of questions in the waiting room. So when it was my turn to enter the room,

all I could hear was a girl on the other side of the door asking why I'd entered into a room and what I was doing. I don't think the dad with the daughter was there for the donation but i think he was probably there for some sort of test or appointment yeah and he was obviously couldn't get child care so he's not there for that reason he's taking his kid for another appointment yeah i very much hope so but the waiting the waiting room is outside the sperm bank room oh my god the wank cupboard right so this poor fella it was his turn to enter a room and all i could hear was a girl on the other side asking why i'd entered into a room

and what i was doing oh my god so he's trying to do he's trying to do a sperm donation you can hear this child talking about stuff i had to stay sitting there for 20 minutes until the girl left before i could attempt to open the ball bags. Oh my God. I got a weird look from the technician when leaving as I'd been in there for so long. That's got to put you off, hasn't it? Yeah, that is absolutely unacceptable. But I don't think, you know, I mean, obviously I don't know the situation with that guy's childcare.

But come on, mate. This isn't the place. On that slightly dodgy territory then, you know we were talking about showers. This is from Rachel Tuckett. I've just listened to this week's podcast, and I heard you discussing showering with your children. Reminded me of a story I thought you'd enjoy. My partner's daughter was around two, and he was having a shower with her.

She was sitting on the floor of the shower playing with her toys while he minded his own business having a wash after a couple of minutes he felt something a little odd he looked down and saw that he was being noshed off by one of his daughter's toy dinosaurs so she was obviously had used the toy dinosaur she was doing some joke where it ate his penis. No, I just can't get over the word noshed. I know. I mean, it's an interesting use of word from Rachel Tuckett. Obviously the daughter doesn't realise that the dinosaur's mouth going at his penis is in some way reminiscent of...

Of noshing. Of noshing. She just thinks it's eating. She just thinks it's eating. She just thinks it's eating. I think this is the... I mean, this is the eternal problem with showering with children. If I'm honest with you,

I find the whole thing very stressful, the showering with children. I might take up your Victorian approach to it, Rob, from now on. I know. I don't know what the right thing is anymore, Josh. Do you? No, mate.

It's difficult, isn't it, in this modern day? This is from Lee Carter, Rob. Go on. Hi, guys. I thought you'd like to hear mine and my wife's recent parenting fail. Our son, Stanley, is 13 months old. In the last few months, he's started using a new cup for water. The cup in subject is a Munchkin 360.

It's just a fun... What's it made? Because Munchkin and 360 are from such different worlds yeah it sounds like a skateboard move so he's using the munchkin 360 oh i think tony with the munchkin 360 i love tony the bloke's about 70 that is my only reference to a skateboard and it always will be if you're not aware of these cups they're that it's the non-spilled cup. It's the one where the thing goes the whole way around with the rubber. Do you know that?

That's why it's 360, as opposed to the Munchkin 180, presumably. Yeah, it was always at fault, really, wasn't it? It was always leaking from one side. You need the 360 or nothing. You need the 360. Our fail happened when Stan threw his club on the floor, and we noticed some black-brown substance next to it on the floor. As I picked up the Munchkin 360 and looked at the substance,

it was coming from the cup. To our horror, we noticed that the middle runner section should be removed when cleaning, and we had been allowing him to drink from the mouldy cup for a week. Oh, no! Isn't that unbelievable? Oh, God. I mean, this is some terrible PR for the Munchkin 360.

It's a terrible... You're going to be furious for this is some terrible PR for the Munchkin 360. It's a terrible... I'm going to be furious for this. If you've got a Munchkin 360, I'm sure it's very clear that you're meant to take off the rubber bit and clean it. I could just feel what the parents would have felt. You just feel so bad. Luckily, he wasn't ill,

and this has probably helped his immune system, right? Keep up the good work, Lee. I love that. No, I'll let you off with it you know it was a mistake but don't try and pretend it was a bonus like oh actually that probably helped the immune system just write that off as a bad thing that happened but you're not being judged for it but don't try and get praised for it uh thank you so much for listening uh we will be back as always on tuesday see them all right bye