Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP43: Peter Crouch

Episode Date: September 22, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP43: Peter CrouchJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is footballing legend, podcast titan, and all round lovely man - Mr Peter Crouch. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... Come on kids, back to the hotel room. Good night kids. Good night mama. Life's a trip. Make the most of it at best western this episode is brought to you by secret secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum parabens dyes talc and baking soda it's made with ph balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws

your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Ava, say Josh Whittakin. Hiya. And Rob... Beckett.

Hiya. Noah, say Josh Whittakin. Josh Whittakin. And Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. No. Say Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett.

Well done. There we go. He was toying with her. Ava is 18 months. Noah is four, ready to start school. And in the background, all I could think about was what TV show is that? Yeah, I'd love to know what that was i know because it's on the tip of my tongue and i can't i can't get it it's um i

couldn't work it out that is ava noah who is four uh good luck to his teacher having to put up with him saying poo bum and trump all day long poo bum and trump yeah he's political he's quite politicized and that's one of his manifesto uhges, isn't it, Pooh bum? He's going to bring back the term Pooh bum for all the Republicans. Bloody right. They still bloody vote for him, am I right, Rob? Anyway. Bloody Pooh bum heads.

So, how are you? You know what? Good. But there's been a couple of incidences with the kids. One was the eldest, a four-year-old i saw that she'd drawn or she'd written her name in biro on a white cabinet in her bedroom okay so i'm like okay that's a problem uh but you know she's you know growing up she wants to write her name but that's still naughty so i pulled blue went right we've got it we've got an issue here we need to sort this out let's how do we

want to approach it? Okay, because I don't want to like scream and shout at her, but she needs to be told that it's wrong, but I don't want it to be a big thing, okay, because she's probably quite proud that she's managed to write her name. Anyway, so let's just speak to her. Let her tell us what she's done. So I said, Mummy and Daddy have got a question.

She went, yeah. I went, have you written your name anywhere in the house where you shouldn't have? Okay. And she went, yes. And I went, have you written your name anywhere in the house where you shouldn't have? OK. And she went, yes. And I went, can you show me where? She went, yeah, the playroom. Another room! So she'd written it in the playroom and in her bedroom. She's tagging, mate. She's tagging. Yeah, a little Banksy.

Well, they've been trying to find out who Banksy is this week. Have you stumbled onto it? Yeah, I found out. Also, I don't know if I've ever told you this story as well, when she wrote the first initial of her name absolutely everywhere in the house. Have I told you this? No. So, obviously, her name's Malcolm, isn't she, for the purpose of this? So, an M.

She's written an M for Malcolm 37 places. But luckily, she did it in this felt tip that came off. What, just on walls and like... Literally anywhere. Right? But luckily there was only two that it didn't come out of. It was like the McDonald's logo. Yeah! It was like some sort of mad advertising.

You know when they do them shock adverts where they just put stuff everywhere. But yeah, so we told her off and we took pens off her and now she's not allowed pens without supervision until she learns to use them properly. That's the little rule. And the other incident is the younger child is, you know, learning to speak at varying different levels of certain words. She's struggling with the word grey. Yeah.

And the word trunk for an elephant's trunk. So if you asked her, what's that on an elephant's face? She won't say a grey trunk. She says a gay c***. Oh, my word. And as clear as that. Wow. I think I've got it recorded somewhere.

You need to stop asking that, Rob, because if you know that i'm gonna say it rob yeah you can get through your day without having to ask a toddler that question it's it's not gonna come up the problem is she loves elephants of course she does right so but you know that purple no it's always purple but then plastic things you spin around and make a noise those are big long long plastic. I don't even know what they're called. You spin around, it goes like whistles. Anyway, she wanders around the house, put it on her nose, and walks up to me and went, look, purple. Let me see if I could find this video.

That reminds me, actually. I saw Jeremy Clarkson on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Yeah. But he slams everyone. Have you watched it? No. He kept slamming. I actually, you know, I differ with some views with Jeremy Clarkson,

but I actually think he's an excellent TV presenter. You don't agree with anything he says about cars, but everything else. I think politically he's on the money, but he's wrong about Volvos. But, you know, they haven't got that much room in the c***. We all know that. That's the problem. You need a car with a big c*** these days.

Oh, there's so much bleeping. So much bleeping. Right, OK, let's just show this and we'll move on. Right, can you tell me what colour is an elephant? A c*** and s*** s*** b***. No, what colour is an elephant? An elephant's... Gay. And what's an elephant's nose called, eh?

A c***. A trunk, that's right. I'm going to see you later. What I'm going to say, Rob, it's actually much clearer than I anticipated. It's outrageous. you later what i'm gonna say rob it's actually much clearer than i anticipated that is outrageous but you were you were definitely i'd say were you to play about that conversation i'd say if you didn't want her to say that you were really going the wrong way about it because you're really teeing her up look oh hands up i just wanted that as archive footage almost as a

historical document of that's what she calls it but we stopped asking her and encouraging her to do it so i did tease it out of her there but you will read a book and she'll say look a c-u-n-t for a trunk yeah and if when they go to preschool what's an elephant got because the preschool teacher did say you do know she says that for trunk i was like i know but well the preschool teacher brought it up with you yes because they were doing animals that week but what are you going to do about that is she saying is she blaming you no she's just like more of a heads up and i was like yeah i know but i don't know what else to say so keep saying say trunk and then she just says it so they're all in the class go and what has an elephant got they've got her and then she screams out but oh this is

an awful day for michael the amount of editing he's gonna have to do sorry michael uh yeah so apologies anyone that's offended by that word. That's the situation we're at at the moment. If you ask what's on the front of an elephant's face, it's anyway. Right. Do you want a quick email? Oh, please. Rob, this is from Rebecca.

You know you talked about your trip to Legoland. Yes. After listening to your Legoland trip and all the useful tips, I thought I'd share my little theme park experience. After six months of no sleep due to colic screaming, we decided to treat ourselves

to a family trip to Florida. Ooh. Ooh. Jack was nearly one year old when he set off. He didn't walk till he was 19 months or so. I was a bit worried

that my husband, Matt, would hit all the rides with his sister and our friend and leave me with a baby. Oh, so they've gone more of a he's still too little to want to go on rides. They sit in the pram and then they can smash Disney one more time before they have to do the kids. Universal Studios, yes.

Ah, I get you. Clever. That's a good idea. And then you can scope it out when you go back with kids. Like it. Well, it's an even better idea because it turned out, little did we know that in Universal Studios, parents get to jump the queue.

No. As soon as they saw I had a baby, they moved us right to the front. Harry Potterland had special parenting rooms with movies, baby facilities, and a way you could take turns in riding, but no waiting time. That's amazing. It was amazing. Waiting time for Gringotts?

Is that a Harry Potter thing? I don't know. I'm a 34-year-old man, mate. I don't fuck about with that. Well, the waiting time for Gringotts was two hours. Not for us. Straight to the front. Oh, yes, please.

Oh, that's amazing. It's almost like a business class lounge. They've got, like, movies and chairs. They sit waiting while the other one goes on the ride. Also, this is a bit of a strange turn of events. Hooters was on the way home. And it turns out it's a family-friendly restaurant with delicious hot wings. Really?

I mean, I've never thought of that as a place to take the kids. No, me neither. Do you know, to be fair though, Stringfellows does a lovely fish fingers and baked bean. That's a great tip that's what that is a superb so basically go when you've got a baby in a buggy that won't really want to go on anything and they're just enjoying going around because i went to this we went on take a fake baby take a fake baby hire a baby we took a six month old to copenhagen with friends and we just sort of

walked around the city with the baby in the buggy and went on boat trips and stuff like and it was fine because it's sort of like when there's six months it's like having an accessory that needs feeding isn't it yeah that was good some babies other babies as well yeah Tiffany world in Copenhagen is a great little theme park that's a really fun trip we want to try and do with the kids near a Christmas time because it's only an hour flight to Copenhagenagen they've got tivoli world which is like a one of the world's oldest theme parks it was basically i thought you said tiffany world no tivoli oh yeah just get i thought it was based around martin mccutchen's um character in eastenders yeah the old christmas drink drive ride's a bit bleak

no tivoli world it's beautiful but don't ever go to copenhagen is it is it clear that i've read a book about denmark recently josh mate it's like it's like it's like doing a podcast with casper speichel it's unbelievable um but uh yeah anyway i won't bore you with that but don't ever go to copenhagen after christmas because basically everyone in denmark just does haig or he whatever it's called and they just stay in their house for three months because it's so dark and depressing

anyway but Tiffany World is a fun little overseas fun park let's see whether you can take your baby there now Rob I guessed

it's only Crouchy in here that's all you need to say really isn't it what a man what a man who doesn't like Peter if you don't like Peter Crouch you're no friend of mine no if you're bored of crouch you're bored of life that's what i say but yeah

peter crouch uh lovely man england legend uh four kids two dogs and uh and his wife abby clancy who does make an appearance on the on the show um but uh yeah enjoy and uh i think you'll you'll never eat a bag of frazzles again without thinking of Peter Crouch. Hello, Peter Crouch. Thanks for coming on the show. Absolute pleasure to be here. It's a joy to have you, Peter. You're the first person we've had on.

Yeah, I'm going to say it. You're the first person we've had on that I've genuinely, you know, has made me cry with joy. That goal in the 2006 World Cup, that really saved us from drawing a second group game you're a hero of mine i appreciate that and i have to say josh you're actually a hero of mine as well believe it or not yeah yeah no way yeah honestly the quickly kevin podcast i was all over it oh thank you should we get rid of this other guy? No, I'm a big fan.

Like 90s football, you know, that's my era as well. So, you know, what I don't know about Roy Wegele and John Bumstead. We've misbooked you for completely the wrong podcast. Just hold on the line, Peter, and we'll talk about what we're actually interested after. But first, let's talk about our kids. Can you tell us what your setup is at home, kids-wise, Peter? Well, it's quite intense.

Yeah, we stupidly decided to have four children. Oh, bloody hell. And they're all under nine. So the eldest is nine, five, one, and two. Oh, bloody hell. And they're all under nine. So the eldest is nine, five, one and two. Oh, my God. I thought there'd be a seven-year-old in there to balance it out. But no, three under five. Yeah, I've got lots to get off my chest. How's it going then?

Well, you know, listen, it's tough for everyone. But there were times. At first, you know, I, it's tough for everyone. But there were times. At first, you know, I was really into it with the lockdown period. You know, I've been away a lot with the football and it was nice to sort of reconnect with my children, not go away. And we were really enjoying it. You know, we did the Joe Wick stuff and we had a plan set out with homework and, you know, bits and pieces, some downtime, fun and games.

After two weeks, that went out the window completely. And I was teaching my little girl how to do chip shots into the basketball net from 25 yards. Wow, what a skill. Is that on the syllabus now? I think that's how Gavin Williamson did the A-levels. That was the actual marking scheme. Oh, wow, it must have been tough with four as well.

Because how old's your youngest? Yeah, well, one. So one and two, yeah. So, I mean, you know, two babies. So it's quite tough. Listen, I can't complain because, you know, we've got a nice garden and we can get out there and the weather was quite tough. Listen, I can't complain because, you know, we've got a nice garden and we can get out there and the weather was quite good.

But during lockdown, you know, I did enjoy it. I'm only joking. I did enjoy it. But there are, you know, times where, you know, for instance, today I managed to sneak out and play golf and I came home and, you know, when your wife's just looking at you with that look like, I don't give a fuck how your day was I don't care about your goal I have no idea you know you'd have no idea how hard it was that kind

of look and um you know when you just know you need to take over so that's that was my job to put the kids to bed and now you've well, I've got to do this podcast. So you carry on with the four kids and I'll just be back. We can string this out for three or four hours, Peter, to keep you awake. In all honesty, because I came back, I was like right on it. So I've managed to get them into bed now. How do you get four into bed?

Like, I don't even, how is that? Josh has got one and I've got two, but to get four into bed seems Like, I don't even, how is that? Josh has got one and I've got two, but to get four into bed seems like you'd want some sort of, like, standard ovation every night. Honestly, well, that was the problem because we ended up, we celebrate every bedtime with, like, a glass or a bottle of wine. You know, it's like. I thought you were going to say the robot then.

I'm disappointed. We do that and then we have a few. We have a few too many so because we celebrate them all in bed yeah and then we wake up hungover and go we won't we won't do that again and then we do exactly the same thing the next night I know it's hard parenting with a hangover is brutal it's hard work how was it feeling obviously because when you're a professional footballer and you're away from home a lot and stuff like that it must be difficult for you to be like a full-on sort of parent because you've been taken away around the country all the time how did you manage that transition then from

not being because i imagine you could get more lions and stuff if you've got to go and play football like how did you manage that transition then was it was it hard to like go from not doing as much just obviously now you're doing pretty much 50 50 it seems like yeah it is really like there's downsides to it and there's obviously plus sides to it you know before a game i used to go in a hotel and have a full night's sleep because you have to be prepared for the match on saturday don't you so yeah on a friday you know i'd go in a hotel and i'd have a full night's sleep but on the flip side of that you know especially when i was you know playing for england and um you know playing in the champions league and stuff like that you you

very rarely home so you feel like you're missing a a lot of it you know so there's there's there's two sides two sides to it um completely that was that was ab that was ab believe it or not she's just walked in and gone any of you taking a dog for a walk? There's no rest for Crouchy. No rest. Let's let it run around the garden. Yeah, let it run around the garden, baby. Be fine.

Did he just run into the rottweilers next door? Oh, yeah. Did you hear that? Yeah. Oh, God. Do you know what? This is the kind of thing that people tune in for, though. This is the slice of life we're looking for.

The arguing about the dogs after the kids have been put to bed. Also, as well, we can get Abby on the show as well. She may listen to this and have issue with things you say, Crouch. Can we go for Crouchy now? Because I did Peter. You've got in there. You've got in there. Straight in.

Straight in with Crouchy. So you've got a one- Straight in with Grouchy. You've got a one-year-old and a two-year-old. Are they sleeping, Peter? The one-year-old is good as gold. He'll go. We put him in at seven o'clock on a dot and he wakes up. We've got him trained really well.

He goes to bed at seven. Yeah, he gets up at seven. So he's good as gold, really. The rest of them do what they like. So what you've done is you've just kept having kids until you got one that can actually sleep so you just i just you know because it was because with the the three um you know we've sort of let them in our bed and and ab for you know the the third one might be our only boy and so he's in the bed loving it um with the fourth one it's like right you get in that bed right now in your own room you know there's no snuggling for you all right you've run out of

space basically basically and have you have you been on your own with all four if you had like oh i had a weekend where abby's got away and it's just been you for the whole weekend yet or is that to come no we've yeah i've done it i've done it we look like an hour of time you know no weekends uh just yet but um you know we got we got some help you know her mum's very very good um and we've got we've got family around us who who can help me because i don't think ab would trust me fully on my own with all four she's she's looking at she's looking at me now oh did you hear that she's just shouting over the top of me now what about that time you lost him in the farm do you want to tell this story or what no no we'll piss off then

what she said i've no idea she shouted something and walked out. What happened at the farm, Peter? The farm was, yeah, we're all in the farm. We're all having a good time. And the toddlers, so you can't get out of this little bit we're in unless someone, you know, an adult sort of presses the button, which is high enough for an adult to press. Anyway, a teenage, so I thought he was fine just playing where he is. A teenager's obviously pressed the button. He's gone out and now he's out by the sheep now.

And I'm sort of in the play bit. And anyway, I think it's all covered and she's gone, where's Jack? And I've gone, he's just out by the sheep by the looks of it. So yeah, anyway, it was a bit of a panic, but all good. He didn't go too far. No, he's fine. You haven't lost him.

He's all right. Yeah, perfect. I'll tell you what, it didn't sound too bad, that story. I mean, I feel like there's another version that we haven't heard. Probably. Probably. You know, I'm sure you can re-record

without a different side of it. Yeah, we'll get the other version of the farm story, I'm sure you can re-record with that, but different side of it. Yeah, we'll get the other version of the farm story, I'm sure. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis.

Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that's... Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Up your health game with Sun Life and the Toronto Raptors health experts.

Access nutritional tips, mental health coaching and advice on overall wellness. As the official health and wellness partner of the Toronto Raptors we want you to be a fan of your health with sunlifehealthyyou.com Are they all back to school now then? What's your kind of schedule when they're all in school and stuff? Obviously the young ones aren't but what's

your schedule normally? Yeah well it's you know obviously you know, obviously, you know, we sort of get our life back a little bit when school starts because of, I said to have, you know, not many parents have gone through this where you've, you know, you've had to homeschool

and, you know, they're all such, so young. You sort of never really get any, any respite, but yeah, they start school again tomorrow. We got a bottle of champagne as much as we, as we love them. We we got a bottle of champagne as much as we as we love them we do have a bottle of champagne for the moment we arrive home is there anything you do that doesn't end with you drinking wine of some sort

i'm retired now i can do my life peter you say that but i remember when you used to play and we ended up in that casino after an itv show where i told you you probably don't i told you that my wife was pregnant he I remember when you used to play and we ended up in that casino after a TV show. I told you, you probably don't, I told you that my wife was pregnant. You was the first person I told. Oh my God. Do you know this story, Josh? No.

You're the first person you told us Peter Crouch. Yeah. We were out with Paddy McGuinness, weren't we? After a TV show. And we got really drunk in that hotel bar. And then you, I don't even know where you took me, Pete. I just followed you around. It was amazing.

Yeah, we ended up at this, you know, listen, bear in mind, I think this is probably, probably maybe the first or second time that I've met Rob. Yeah. And we were just having a drink and I don't know, we're just getting on great. And he said, just to let you know, I haven't told my parents yet. What? Rob, What's wrong? We're having a baby. In my defense, it was about four in the morning and Peter Crouch is a lovely guy.

I felt like you could deliver any information to you, Peter, and you'd make someone feel comfortable about it. You're a great energy. Do your parents know this, Rob? No, they didn't know. They didn't know about it either. But basically i i wasn't supposed to tell anyone the second one as well the second one you told dirt count first didn't you for the second one yeah yeah i feel cheered but no i think it was because you're not supposed to tell anyone so i didn't know you that

well and i just thought well peter crash is gonna tell anyone he's not gonna tell my mom so i don't know why i didn't. It was quite a funny night though. So you've got four kids, Peter. Can you tell at what age whether they're going to be good at football? Yeah, I think you can. I do. Believe it or not, the girls aren't too interested.

You know, the eldest obviously came to, she's been to Tottenham when I played there. She's been to Burnley, been to Stoke. She saw... She came to Burnley's been to Tottenham when I played there she's been to Burnley been to Stoke um she saw uh she came to Burnley and Stoke but that didn't get her into football I knew you were gonna say that um she's not yeah not really into it um the five-year-old not not a great fan either but um yeah the the believe it or not the one-year-old it's like he's just the moment he sees the ball he it's like he's just, the moment he sees a ball, he just loves it. He's just walking around with the football, he's kicking it.

Yeah, even like the two-year-old. So the two-year-old's a boy as well. And, you know, it wasn't quite the same for him. You know, hopefully he'll get into it and stuff. But the one-year-old, it's amazing. He just takes to it. The minute he sees a ball, he wants to go and kick it and he wants to dribble it.

Yeah, it's an amazing thing, really. And was that what you were like? Were you like amazing from the age of one i'm sorry i've turned this into a football podcast again um no i yeah i loved it for the moment yeah the moment i could kick a ball obviously my dad was a was a was a big football fan and got in got me into it but um yeah as early as i can remember i was kicking the ball around and um that's the same with jack at the moment uh he he absolutely loves it um and i'm hoping that you know as they as they get older you know they'll all get into it at some some stage but at the moment yeah you can really see something in jack definitely and can you the next question is that can you tell if they're tall yet yes we certainly can um yeah unfortunately that's

part and parcel of it i think you know how tall everyone's tall yeah even the dog's got like yeah they're all like uh yeah my eldest girl, the tallest in her class, um, little girls, tallest in hers. Um, but the thing is with the, with the boys is because they're only, you know, they're one and two, but people just assume that they're older because,

you know, I had the same problem when, when I was six foot four, you know, five and a, yeah, five foot something now. Um,

no, I had the same problem when I was a kid growing up because I was, I was decent at football. Um, You know, you're only judged, your age is only judged on height, isn't it? There's no facial hair, you know, there's no, you're not judged on anything other than height. So I had a problem when I was nine, 10 years old, everyone used to say, oh yeah, he's good at football, but he's, he's playing too young. He's older than everyone else. And I had it throughout my life really and then um yeah and I think that the boys are sort of getting that

themselves everyone thinks that you know they're they're sort of maybe a bit rougher or something you know in the ball pit and everyone goes we shouldn't be in here and go he's only two my brother my brother Joe is six foot three six foot four he's really big and for because he was my we were the same size i'm two years older than him we were the same size for ages i'm only five for eight but everyone used to treat him a bit differently and my mom used to be so sensitive about it because they used to expect more from him because they thought he was older so you do find it a bit sensitive by trying to explain their age the whole time if people are judging i do it's a bit it's a bit annoying, you know, and like,

and even with, you know, academically, like if he's, you know, not reading and you think, well, no, you know, he's two years old, you know. It's like, you know, he's not, but thankfully his speech is quite good and, you know, things like that. Like they are quite advanced. I think I'm sure every parent says that,

but they are, you know, they are good good um but yeah I think sometimes you you know expected expected more of them because they're because they're bigger you know how how do you find like their upbringing compared to like yours of you know I think you had a very sort of like normal as it were upbringing and now they're the kids of a of a famous couple and a famous footballer did you feel a bit like because it's so different to how you was brought up do you find it challenging or anything um i do i do a bit you know like uh there's a friend of friend of ours who sent his kids to private school and stuff like that and you know he just did well you know from quite a rough sort

of upbringing and he sort of you know his kid got to university age and it's like, he, he didn't really know him. You know what I mean? It's like, it's for the two different worlds. So of course you want your kids to have everything and, you know, thankfully, you know, I've done okay. And I want them to have the best life, but there's a fine balance I think between that and not sort of knowing the, the, the, your kids, you know, and the being from a two different worlds so we obviously have to try and make that that balance where they you know hopefully keep as grounded as possible because um you know i want them to be success in their own right you know of course yeah is it was

that a boarding school just a private school that your friends went to because i think that's a real difference isn't it when they get like sent away at the age of like six or seven it's quite brutal isn't it I think it was a boarding school yeah and I think um you know there's a there's a fine balance between you know you want them to be a reflection of you don't you rather than yeah you know the school that you've put them in I'm just going to send my daughter to school in Devon even though I still live in London just so she knows exactly the upbringing I had that's it definitely well even you know even with my with my wife Ab obviously she's a you know proud scouser and you know we live we live down south now and I we always try and remind the kids of of that side of of their family and you know I want

them to to have everything that you know like and hopefully enjoy the things that I enjoy you know because when they're when they're older we can share those things together and obviously football is a is a big part of that because I love football and, you know, the thought of being able to take my kids to matches and then to enjoy it and stuff as the way I did is definitely something that I want to do. I remember going to games with my dad and that was some of the best times of my childhood, you know,

going to games with him. And, you know, it's a bit different to what football is now, but, you know, they were some of the best times of my childhood and hopefully they, going to games with him. And, you know, it's a bit different to what football is now. But, you know, they were some of the best times of my childhood. And hopefully they get there into it as well. You know, I don't want them off playing croquet or something. Was you an academic kid? You know, you're a clever bloke. You're really with it compared to some footballers

or the stereotypical footballer. Was you quite academic as well? Like if football didn't pan out, I know the famous joke is you'd say you'd be a virgin if football didn't pan out but um what would you what would you have done do you think like if it wasn't for football yeah I uh you know I did I did okay at school and you know I was I was all right and you know my dad my dad was quite um you know he did he did well for himself and you know he was he was in advertising and um you know he worked for an advertising agency he started as a copywriter and ended up being sort of a creative director and um I've always loved that side of it I mean I did my work experience at his his agency

was was BBH and um I I did my work experience there when I was 14 and um you know I would look to my dad sort of writing adverts and I absolutely loved that side of it and I think you know when people ask me that question it's always reverts back to me saying I was being a virgin but um I but you'd be a virgin who worked in advertising that's what I'm saying basically yeah um I'm personally in advertising with no options whatsoever from the three months you're a very kind of chilled out guy you come across that way and you certainly were like as a footballer you didn't seem

like you were you know too intense do you find you know do you lose it when you're parenting do you find it more stressful than a big match do you know what I'm I am reasonably calm I think there's times where you have to sort of discipline aren't you and you have to sort of lose it a bit um and it's not it's

not really my makeup to do that I'm not you know I'm not uh I'm not a stressy kind of kind of guy I think uh it's two different roles and I think we work out we work quite well I think abs sort of on it she's can stress out sometimes and um I am a bit more chilled out but the thing is when i sort of lose it with the children or discipline them they sit up and take notice because they must have done something pretty bad to yeah to get me angry basically so it does work well when i uh when i do raise the voice every now and then you say lose it and then you kind of say or discipline them are you saying that's basically the same thing you lose it and then you go yeah i'm just doing some discipline you just you know you just i'm talking about you know the loud voice right that's it that kind of

one i think you know you do have to have that sometimes because otherwise they run riot especially because you've got obviously like a nine-year-old and such a lot of babies of one-year-old it's like they're both they're all doing stuff that could annoy you at different levels and stuff but what what's your plan when they start getting to the teenage years? Cause that's a whole different level, isn't it? Yeah. Well,

I feel like my, my sort of nine year olds, she, I don't know if it's ridiculous to say she's nine, but you know, it's this TikTok stuff going on. I keep coming in and it's like, I don't know how much I can say here,

but I saw a particular move i didn't like should we say i went hold on a minute i said we'll have no twerking in this house it's the robot or nothing in this house yeah certainly exactly because that's the thing though because you know if you catch them doing stuff like you don't agree if you tell them not to they'll just go okay dad and then they'll just go to their room and film themselves doing whatever do you know what I mean for TikTok it's like you can't police it fully can you of course you can't but you know what like as much as you know obviously she's not on on TikTok you know so anyone can see her she just

does them and you know shows us later that's it you know it doesn't go anywhere but you know she really enjoys it and believe it or not she's actually got really really good at dancing you know it's just off the back of it you know she just copies these dance dances and uh you know so i you know i'm trying to kid myself that it's a skill she's learning and then now you've got like the younger ones is there stuff that you did with your the first couple of kids that you think actually that weren't a good plan that weren't a good idea and you've readjusted for the for the young ones now there's a bit of a age gap well definitely with the obviously with the the two-year-old we let we let in our bed and and that is just you know he's in there now at the moment you know i think ab's

got pepper pig on at the moment um in in bed with him so you didn't do the bed like letting them in the bed with the eldest two just a two-year-old no we did we did like with the with the eldest but then she was like right i've had enough of these kids i'm getting in my own bed you know one of those like she she wouldn't but she wouldn't come in ours anymore um then obviously the five-year-old how big's your bed peter because you're getting quite a big bed anyway it's uh yeah it's big you have a special bed oh yeah we had ours made um i i think it's eight foot long yeah i think it might be eight foot wide oh my life oh wow yeah it's big that's big that's a beauty i mean still not big enough for what is essentially six humans yeah i said to i said to have i'm sure we got the dog as well and uh i said

she's in the bed she's not no no no i've made sure that's downstairs you know it stays downstairs um but she's she was talking about potentially getting a dog to, to keep him company. And I said, I am not having one more breathing thing in this household. I put my foot down there. I said, anything that's living is not coming in here. It's a carcass of a dead dog. It's dead. It's fine.

It can sit on the kitchen floor. No, not having it. No, I had to put my foot down. So it was the, the, the kids in the bed thing. that's something that you had to stop then yeah yeah like i say with the one year old you know i just said look we i think this is ridiculous we're gonna have to make sure that we're on it with it with with this one and and and amazingly it's just you know he's just good as gold really is and we put him in at seven and we pick you know

we go we go back in at seven he doesn't make a peep he's just good as gold oh that's amazing and so the one that's currently in the bed just for people who are listening it's about 8 p.m um what will they be in the bed all night well we've got like a cot next to our bed so basically when i we he goes to sleep in there and then when i come up i'll carry him him in there, put him in the cot. Yeah, so then me and Av can watch something or whatever, and then he'll end up getting in about 5 o'clock or something like that. There's no danger of them rolling out of bed with an 8x8, is there?

That's the beauty of it. It's not. It's not. But, you know, he's quite tall for two, obviously, and he loves lying sideways. But, you know, he's quite tall for two, obviously, and he loves lying sideways. So, you know, when you wake up, you wake up and your face is on the side table.

Imagine having an eight-foot-by-eight-foot bed made and it's still not enough. It must drive you mad. You're going to have to go for a 12-by-12, Peter. You're going to have to upgrade your bed. I'm going to have to. So is there a plan to get the two-year-old in another room um yeah i'll be honest with you we had a flood during during lockdown and yeah and it took out one of the one of the boys bedrooms um this is not like a trap is it that you we might sell this story like a colleen rooney

rebecca bardy situation it's an official flood is it this is an official flood okay sure yeah i don't know i'm hacking our podcast right people have been listening what's going on i'll tell you sorry to cut you off there yeah no it's all right yeah we had the flood and then um yeah so uh one of the bedrooms is out of action so we had to sort of jiggle thing things around so the the moment that that bedroom's back in action, we will hopefully get the boys in there together. That's the plan. Oh,

that's nice. That's the plan. Oh God. They'll just keep each other up. Wouldn't they? Yeah, probably. But as long as they're doing it in their own room,

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Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. A lot of footballers, they have kids quite early and they have like, there's a lot of footballers they have kids quite early and they have like there's a lot of footballers that are parents do you talk about when you're in the dressing room how much would parenting come up like was it because like i'm going to be honest with you with other comedians they've got kids it's all we kind of complain about so would that be would you be sat there with you know harry kane complaining about having kids? Yeah, without doubt. You know, it's the same in any working industry probably.

Yeah, of course you complain about it and, you know, you say good things about it. People will recommend good holidays to go with the family, bits and pieces like that. So what's strange about footballers is probably, you know, people do seem to have kids early. And I think it's because you know earning pretty decent decent money what have you and you feel quite comfortable and you're you're settled

with your wife and it's always good to sort of the club sort of encourage having a family because then you're sort of yeah because you're out of of nightclubs you know you're out you know you're on the straight and narrow you know you're changing nappies rather than um you know yeah whatever else you do so did a manager say to you did Rafa Benitez go mate you've got to have a kid here yeah I've been told um you know a few times it's all about you know getting a girlfriend settle down as quickly as possible the clubs encourage it yeah because it's it's better for everyone if you're a single lad usually if you're in a if you're anything like me you're not eating correctly you If you're a single lad, usually if you're anything like me, you're not eating correctly.

You know, you're probably not having as much sleep as you should have. And, you know, certainly when I, when I met Av, she's, she's looking after me in a way that probably I couldn't look after myself.

As well, we'd like playing football. It's so strict. Obviously there's like the schedule and all the games and stuff. Have you missed any sort of key moments like birthdays or like with the kids or first days at school and stuff like you've had to sacrifice because of because of playing or the club's a bit more quite understanding with that kind of stuff yeah not so much I mean I was I was quite lucky in the fact that I had I had kids late you know so I it was sort of like when

I say late it's late in in my football career really so I was 30 when I had my late, you know, so it was sort of like, when I say late, it's late in my football career, really. So I was 30 when I had my, the first, and then we had... Bloody hell, Peter, past it, 30? Surprised you're still fertile at that age, mate. I'm talking about in football, you know, in my football career, people retire 32, 33, 34, you know, they're retired. So when I look at, you know, some of the players and, you know, they have that problem of, they might be playing a champions league game and

their wife is pregnant. I mean, you can't say, I'm just thinking about when I was playing and, you know, if I turn around to reference, say, well, I'm not coming. Cause my wife might have the baby, you know, it doesn't always wash, you know, it's like, is she in labor and you you say you know i've seen players do it and they say she in labor and you say no and i said well get yourself on the plane then oh so then you could be you know somewhere else and there's been plenty of players that have missed the birth oh and they missed they missed the birth of their kids oh yeah you made yours though didn't you yeah yeah i made it i made it yeah i've made i've been there for all four um with all the different nationalities in the dress room as well obviously

in football it's such like random like collection of people that in most workplaces you wouldn't get have you heard any sort of wacky ways that like people have done stuff with their kids and everyone else in the dress room's like what you can't do that different ways of parenting and having kids yeah i think um you know that's one of the best things about being in a football dressing room is like you say the different cultures and different ways that that everyone everyone does stuff and um yeah I I absolutely love sort of like just sharing stories and you know for instance Christmas you know the amount of people that celebrate on Christmas Eve that's something that I didn't really know.

I used to come in on Christmas Day. Obviously, we train on Christmas Day. And, you know, the lads would be like, yeah, we've done our Christmas, really. You know, presents, the meal, everything was done on Christmas Eve. And I used to think, oh, yeah, and I'd be traveling on a bus on Christmas day to like Norwich or something. And I'd think, that's probably a good idea actually.

Why did I start doing that? I was having a turkey sandwich on the bus to Norwich going, yeah, that's a great idea. You know, that's probably a good way. I was going to say, did you start playing golf before kids or after because i've started playing but just as a reason to get out the house i was just interested in your golfing career of course you have made exactly the exact thing i mean when people say to me um you know they i don't play golf like what what you into that for

um i said you just wait until you have children. And someone says to you, you can spend four and a half hours with your mates playing sport and have a little drink after. You tell me if you take up golf or not. I'm starting to think no one actually likes golf. It's the greatest conspiracy that we're undercovering of all time. Yeah, and like the trip to Portugal. Like I say, you can't say to your partner,

I'm going to go Magaluf for four nights, but if you're going to Val de Lobo, you can get away with it and just get absolutely shit-faced for four days. It's not a problem. You can just go and, you know, you just play nine and get drinks for two and a half. Oh, good. Well, good to know it's not just me but we've had some angry messages from people saying that i've uncovered the truth about golf yeah that's true i've given away the the nick faldo is absolutely livid he didn't like golf at all just even your references are 90s

kids very early. Even your gun references are 90s. Nick Fowdo. Come on, mate. He's still the best, isn't he? I love the 90s as well. I have to say, I'm a huge fan. So, Peter, you think that the one-year-old is good at football. You think that they're all quite tall.

Are they aware of Peter Crouch, the phenomenon? Do they get at school that they're like Peter Crouch the phenomenon and like do they get at school they're like peter crouch's daughter and peter crouch's son i suppose the one-year-old wouldn't but like are they aware of what you've done and achieved i don't think anyone's aware of peter crouch the phenomenon you say that but we're trying to top you in the podcast charts and it's fucking difficult mate yeah i can't believe you did eight years at stoke i mean that is incredible just from a

morale point of view for a on a personal note where did you live peter i absolutely i absolutely loved stoke um no i didn't like he didn't love it enough to live there no i absolutely loved it there i wouldn't live there absolutely most of the most of the lads live sort of like Cheshire way. So I lived like Cheshire way. I was born in Maccasfield. I've got friends and family in Maccasfield. So that's the only place I sort of knew was around there. So I moved there and sort of traveled in.

But with regards to, you know, being a footballer that maybe people know, the kids obviously have no idea really. But when my eldest now is sort of coming to terms with it, I remember she did one of those summer camps. And, you know, I'm taking her into the summer camp and they do all the sport and bits and pieces. And she said, you know, it's one of those embarrassing dad moments. She said, Dad, can you weigh outside?

And I was like, why? You know, I'll just take you in. She said, no, no, don't come in, Dad. And I was like, okay, why? And she said, oh, because she's too tall. I said, what? What are you talking about? And she said, oh, apparently the kids were laughing yesterday

because my head was close to the ceiling. Yeah, they were laughing their heads off anyway. Probably gave her a bit of stick. So she was like, stay out in the car park. So anyway, I was gutted. And then I went off. I stayed in the car park, got off. And then a couple of, I think it was a couple of drop-offs later,

she was like, dad, can you come in today? And I was like, well, I thought I was too tall. You got these shoes on your knees. No, it was the same height. I didn't do anything different, but I was asked to come in. I thought, oh, this is a strange one. So anyway, I walked in and obviously I didn't realize, but the kids, a couple of the boys in football kits had seen me sort of get dropped off.

And all of a sudden I was to call dad. And it was like, you know, I came in and all the boys were like, wow, it's Peter Crouch, you know, this and that.

And I was high fiving them. And, um, she was like, dad, you picking me up? And I was like, of course I am.

How'd you find days out with the kids and stuff obviously because you're so well known you started doing more like you know you did a show on bbc one on saturday night which is like you know crossing over to another audience and and obviously abby's uh well known as well like can you have days out and be left alone with the kids or is it quite a challenge um yeah it all depends where we go obviously like we you know we're big fans of the farm where we live and like we go we go to we take them out for days out as much as much as we can but but like you say there is you know i can't i can't hide anywhere and um you know they they have sort of got used to having a picture or two you know my little girl actually takes quite a few of them so So, um, yeah, it's a bit, it's got, it can be, yeah,

it can be a bit, bit strange for them probably, but, um, it's just something they've, they've sort of got used to really. I'd say genuinely that story about dropping off your child. That's, that's what I'd say, Rob, it's one of those heartwarming things we've heard on this, um, on this show. I mean, when you said, she said, you're too tall, don't come in. I've never felt more sorry for anyone, Pete. I've just seen you walking out, just sitting in your car,

with your head through the sunroof, just really upset about the way you've been treated. I was gutted. I was gutted. Yeah, that's a horrible thing. You want your kids to, you know. I thought I was a cool dad, you know. Yeah. I played for Liverpool. Come on. But like you say, I think, you know, when she was, when she was, you know, quite a bit younger,

I think I'm trying to remember when Ab did Strictly, but a few years back, I was thinking, you know, I played for England and I played for Liverpool, I played in the Champions League. I was thinking all these things. And she was in the, in the soft play. And I just heard her, there was only two of the two kids in there. And I just heard her. There was only two kids in there. And I just heard her say, do you know Strictly?

To this other kid. And the kid went, no. And she went, my mum won it, you know. I was thinking, oh God, I haven't got a mention there either. I played for England in a World Cup. Come on. 100 goals in the Premier League. I think that was more gutting than being too tall for the classroom.

But strictly, what about strictly for you? Would you ever fancy it? No, I don't think that's for me. Well, you know, I can't top Ab. She won it. She was incredible on it. And, you know, I'd go in there and probably be the comedy. There's only so many robots you can do, isn't there?

I don't know. Let's find out. Let's see if the public keeps voting them through right to the final. I'll try and graft through it with a bit of a Paso Doble and then pull the robot out for the final. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't give it to them too early.

Do you know what I mean? You've got a robot night one. Tease them in final. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't give it to them too early. Do you know what I mean? You can't robot night one. Tease them in. One more football question, Peter. If you had to have one of your managers as your dad, who'd be the best and who'd be the worst? Oh, that's a great one, Josh. What a good question.

I'm not going to lie to you, Rob. I've got 45 more football questions. I'm just trying to pretend I've got an interesting parent. Well, I've got one more parent one for after, but I want to know who your footballing manager dad would be. Best of both. Well, I think who I'd love to have as my dad is probably someone who's very close to my dad

and probably prefers me to his own son. And that's Harry Redknapp. I mean, having a son that good looking would annoy you wouldn't it if you're Harry I did love Harry and like he was um he was great with me uh you know big football man like someone who I really sort of like he's been great for my career and someone that I'd you know I'd like to go and have a beer with so as my dad yeah I'd be he'd be a great dad I reckon and the worst? Fabio Capello.

Imagine him being your dad. Absolutely no love. Oh, just, I think that, that would be ruthless, that. Oh my God.

God, I can only imagine, you know, the school report, you know, when you go in a parent's evening, you'd be so terrified. Was you there when he was at england that he was um all the different rules what was the most frustrating rule was a player

that he enforced well it was there was quite a few if i'm honest um but it was bad you know we used to come down in our in our flip-flops for for um you know team meetings if we were just in the hotel or you know we did you know that. It was trainers only. You just get sent out if you had flip-flops on. Butter, ketchup, all banned. It's so stupid as well because you're only with the squad for a few weeks of the year. So what impact is that going to make? Not much judging on that World Cup.

Yeah, exactly. It just sort of antagonised the players a bit, you know. It was a bit like like I'll have some butter on my toast at home or with my club but when you come away of England for 10 days you've got to have

dry toast oh god I think I'd turn the cap down if I got called up I'm not playing Germany on dry toast I think I've got

a Scottish uncle after all actually is it true that David Bentley and Jimmy Billard would say, shout post and pat? I have no comment to make on that whatsoever.

Fair enough. I'm sure you've been told, though. Yeah, but Billard's not shy in coming forward. One more, Peter. We won't keep you too long. Obviously, you need to have a bottle of wine. You've got the kids in bed and enjoy yourself. You haven't got much downtime,

apart from the four and a half hours playing golf today. This is something that cropped up in a previous episode with Matthew Crosby, where if now you could say something that is called the Crosby amnesty, where if there's something that annoys you about the way your partner parents or a thing that they do in the house that you'd like to say now, and you can't be judged for it, but it's just something that gets under your skin, but you've got the courage to say to them, is there anything that you'd like to say that frustrates you?

For example, with Matthew Crosby, it's his wife used to put the bibs for the kids on the tap to dry, even though every time he'd turn the tap on, it'd get wet again. It's something that gets to you, Peter, that you just would like to get off your chest now and it's it's not judged bear with me i just got to shut the door but she left it open again don't worry about that um uh is that core parent wise i mean listen we you know our household wouldn't survive without her so So I do have to say that. Yeah, that's a given. We get that.

We get that. She runs the show. But what I will say is. What I like about this, you're not trying to think of one. You're just going through the ones you can't say. Yeah, I'm going through a few of them here. The one that probably does antagonize me is I'll go out to work and I can't help it but like I do enjoy my work you know so I do I go there and I think she thinks that I'm having a really good time I'll come back and I'll be handed all four of these I have that because it's like your job

doesn't feel like a proper job so when you're working it doesn't count as work well yeah so i remember my dad coming home from work and then you know it was like oh you know let's make him sit on the couch get you get your slippers on you know go and have a shower get your pajamas on relax i'll come home and it's like right i have all four of these i'm out i just you're being punished for enjoying the job yeah I feel like I'm being punished for that is the thing when you say I'm going to go and do some work there is this unspoken thing which I'm sure is the same with a footballer where they're going oh come on mate I know what you do for a living that's not fucking work exactly right I think definitely when I was

playing football um the famous quote was um you know come back and say i'm knackered she said knackered she said you've been kicking a football around with your silly little mates so even after a full 90 minute game you still get kicking a football around with your mates you know it's like when you when you put it like that, you go like, oh, I have it really, haven't I? Yeah, give them here. Well, that's only fair. It's the amnesty, so you can't be judged for it, Peter. Everyone has these little things.

So thank you for sharing. And I'm sure if Abby wants to share her side, we're more than welcome to have her, which you may be against, but we're all for. There was something that sort of rubbed me up the wrong way the other day, actually. Can I just get this off my i just get this as much as you want now this one was just about when uh you know like i'm partial i'm sure pop you partial to some people are partial to like some chocolate or a biscuit or some crisps you know i like crisps like they're my thing so it's sort of like a bit of

advice for me and i i find myself when all the kids are sort of sitting on the couch like i go i fancy a bag of crisps and i go it's just i look at them and i go it's just not worth it i'm gonna go in there i'm gonna get one bag i'm gonna pull them out i'm gonna sit on the couch and i'm gonna have four lots of hands in one bag and i'm not gonna have any myself and i found myself the other day i was sitting in the same position I am now in the office. And I'm sitting there with a bag of frazzles on my own, trying to, the 39 year old man, with a bag of frazzles in the office,

hiding from my family. I live in the dream. I looked at myself and I thought, where's it all gone wrong here? I'm sure Frazzles will sort you out and send you some Frazzles. Oh, blimey. It's been great having you on, Crouchy.

Thank you so much. Pleasure, lads. I really appreciate it. Loved it. Enjoyed it. Cheers, mate. Cheers, mate. Thank you. That was Peter Crouch. Whatasure, lads. I really appreciate it. Loved it. Enjoyed it. Absolutely. Cheers, mate. Cheers, mate. Thank you. That was Peter Crouch. What a banger, Josh.

Lovely. Wonderful. We've got to get Abbey on. Got to get Abbey on. Got to get the dogs on. Got to get all four kids on. I want to get the full farm story. The full farm story. Thank you to Peter. We've had enough. People have had enough. We'll be back on Friday. Are you ending the podcast?

Oh, we're back on Friday. I thought you were breaking up with me. Yeah, I'd have to get Jeffro in to replace you. I'll see you next time. Has he got kids? We'll have him. See you later. Bye.