Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP45: Dawn O' Porter

Episode Date: September 29, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP45: Dawn O' PorterJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is the brilliant writer, director and presenter - -Dawn O' Porter. Dawn's fantastic new book 'Life in Pieces' is out on the 1st October. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing.

Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. I want to do Elsinore. Can you say Josh Willicombe? Josh Willicombe. Let's just get Elsinore. There we go. That is Ewan White's two-year, seven-month-old daughter named Cara.

This was her first take. She's now perfectly enunciating it. But this was the one where she kept asking for a banana, I think. You know, you can't do something for nothing. There's no free lunches. You know what I mean? There's no such thing as a free lunch. Put the kids to work. Also, i'm quite enjoying the fact that um

about a week ago someone said oh you need to change the date of the podcast it's not a lockdown anymore yeah well yeah yes thank you we had a word with those guys in city hall and we got it sorted out again for us yeah i'm not letting you know civic freedom get in the way of this podcast keeping its name um i've realised something about lockdown, Rob. Oh, go on. It's only taken us eight months. Yeah. Which is, I was like, why am I finding it so difficult every day

to work out what to have for lunch? Yes. And I realised it's because I'm never in the house. So I buy lunch all the time. I've been making my lunch for six months. I've got no ideas, Rob. What are you having for lunch? I'm in the same boat.

It's getting to the point where basically i like she can't be bothered and then i eat something horrendous out the freezer i don't know what i'm meant to do i've realized that every day of my life because i was out of the house usually i was going to pratt or somewhere yeah or you're in an office space and i'm in an office space or whatever and now i I'm completely lost with, I don't know how, I don't want to sound like I'm out of touch, Rob, but I don't know how people eat lunch in their own homes. I don't understand. I'm starting to work a bit more now, Josh. And we are WFH-ing, but also there's certain filming things

you need to do in a studio or on set somewhere, right? So I am doing a bit more work now, but I'm still just sort of accepted to get up at the same time in the morning do the kids stuff because i'm still we're still in the you know uh lockdown state of mind but i'm still like yeah that's my favorite um quite a lot of work to do my favorite alicia keys song yeah i'm sorry um yeah i know what you mean is there an argument rob yes because i feel like lockdown's been eased but my sort of commitment level to being a parent i don't think it's sort of uh i mean this is very difficult to

say josh i already feel stressed about the conversation i have my wife when she hears are you worried that the commitment level one to five are you worried are you worried that she's raised it she's kept it at level four when really the commitment level should be dropping the three or two if the r rate in our house is currently 2.7 in the ratio if the equation of lockdown situation to work situation and uh yeah i think i think the lockdown's gone up to level four but i've been on a level four even though i was down at level three if that makes sense josh is that making sense i understand what you're saying sense to you? I understand what you're saying. Yeah, exactly. I should just reinforce, you're probably almost certainly,

that little conversation has taken you a month nearer to having a dog very quickly. Yeah, and I've regret bringing this up already, Josh, because I've just realised last week I had to stay in a hotel away with work and I wasn't even at home. And so that will be immediately thrown back in my face if she ever heard this. We went away to a hotel this week uh for our anniversary very nice place not you this is you and your wife yes

yes six months podcast she was livid let's get it um she um we were having lunch uh you said that like it was sort of like a code word for sex. Well, you heard. We were having lunch. I'll tell you. In fact, coincidentally, I've just told you three minutes ago, I struggled to have lunch in my own home. So it did feel quite illicit. Oh, God.

Look at it. It's not a ham sandwich again. So we were having lunch and there was a guy on the next table. So he just came into the restaurant area of the hotel. They didn't even bring him a menu. He was like, just went to the waiter. Can you make me some poached eggs with some avocado and some tomatoes on some toast? She wasn't on the menu.

Oh, okay. That's a big dick swinger. He had that pure confidence of someone you knew was quite a mover and shaker. Was it like a posh hotel? Yeah, it was. It was a place called Cliveden House, which is very nice. Let's put it this way.

It's a National Trust property. It's where Harry and Meghan stayed before their wedding. Oh, Joshua. What a place for an anniversary. Probably the taxpayer's expense, even though they've now bloody done one. Bloody Frogmore Cottage.

Still using the bloody letterheads. You've've seen that just as you get some bloody parts voiceover anyway it was the first anniversary so we're treating ourselves it was post lockdown anyway the guy in the next table we're listening to his conversations then i go to the toilet my wife he's he's kind of talking to his friend who's a fitness instructor and kind of give her career advice etc etc my wife works it all out realizes he is the owner of the place googles it he has a fortune of 1.2 billion pounds oh 1.2 billion rob that's how he gets whatever breakfast he wants. It was one in the afternoon, mate. He was having poached egg on toast.

Well, how many millions until it's a billion? I don't know. There's a billion to trillion thing I don't even deal with. It's like looking at the stars. I don't really comprehend it. I know it's there, but I don't. I think one is 1,000 million and another is a million million he was a billionaire at one point what would you do if you were a billionaire i just don't think

i'd be doing the podcast i don't know what i would be doing but i wouldn't be here no i mean i think you would i think you would but i think you'd do one show a week i might I don't know what I would be doing, but I wouldn't be here. No, I mean, I think you would. I think you would, but I think you'd do one show a week. I might not do as many of the advert reads. Yeah, so I just couldn't believe my mind. Anyway, his son showed up and I did think, what would that be like to be the son of a billionaire and be a billionaire parent?

What would you do? Because it's not just rich, that is obscenely rich. He could just go to JD Sport and buy everything. Exactly. He could literally buy the Argos catalogue. If you were a billionaire, Rob, what would you do? Would you give your children all the money? Or would you worry that that would ruin them?

This is a parenting question. Right. I'd give them a lump, but not the whole lot. I'd give some of it to charity. You don't want to do that too much. But like, would you be worried that they were going to be? I mean, if I had a billion pound, mate, I wouldn't give a shit about anything. Do you know what I mean?

I wouldn't be worried. I think worried it's a very intense feeling i'm so imagine that i'm so worried that i've not given them enough millions or i'm so worried i'm spoiling them anyway i'll have the poached egg even though it's not on the menu going back to lunch i've been skipping breakfast um doing the school run and then either working out or not working out. But either way, once I've done or not done something, then I have like eggs in a certain way around half ten, eleven. If I'm indoors for the day and I'm working from home, I do that. And then I have like a later snack and then eat dinner in the evening. But I'm just sort of all out of ideas.

I did. I'm just bored of cooking. i'm so bored of cooking i'm rubbish at it compared to like you know toby carvery and that is a low level to hit and they're still better toby's still better than me i'm done with cooking in that i've done so much because also i've been cooking for myself or we've been cooking for ourselves and for daughter, because she doesn't eat the same meal. Yeah. So essentially, between you, you're cooking six meals a day. It's like we're in a kind of semi-popular cafe.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca that's sunrisechallenge.ca um josh um we got some emails yeah sorry we're very off topic that's that's fine you know there's a billionaire that ordered poached eggs you don't you don't turn up that kind of a good content um do you want some uh you've got a short trip to school. Do you want a couple of short trips to school? The commute, the commute, the school commute. Yes. Do you want a short one or do you want a really long one to?

Oh, can we have both? Yeah, we'll have the short one to start. Short one first, yeah. This is from Lorna. I think I'm a contender for the quickest school run. We live four doors from the back of the school, around a 30 second walk. Oh, 30 seconds. Where you have to drop off before COVID. I would have been allowed back of the school around a 30 second walk oh 30 seconds where you have to

drop off before covid i would have been allowed back out the same gate to go home again but now there's a one-way system we have to walk all the way around the front to go home it adds an extra three minutes i've attached a picture of our walk to the school. Amazing. If you have a look, I've sent that to you. Oh, that's so good. That is so good. Is that too close? It is very close. So this is from Sam Hardacre.

When my eldest son was born, my wife and I worked in Hebden Bridge, but live in Halifax. When the time came, we decided to send him to a nursery in Hebden Bridge since it was only two minutes away if we needed to go and collect him from work. Then the Boxing Day floods happened, followed by flood defence work commencing on the main road between home and nursery.

Previously on a good day, the journey was 20 minutes. With the flood defence work, temporary lights and the resulting traffic jams increased this to an hour each way. I can, it's so bad. i was actually on that road two weeks ago and i did it twice and it ruined my week there we go two hours a day in slow moving car with a toddler strapped into the car and also when you know it's only 20 minutes without the traffic have that can i suggest something here wait it hasn't finished oh no what's that what else could happen this went on for a few years eventually my wife and i got new jobs in leeds but since our son was only 12 months away from starting school we decided to keep him in

the same nursery oh no just grit our teeth and do the commute take it in turns to do the drop-off pickup we didn't want him to have to deal with the change of scenery and new faces only have to all over again when he moved to school get listeners to look on a map okay we'd leave the house uh in uh halifax drive to hebden bridge drive back through halifax basically passing our house then drive to leeds in rush hour traffic we're probably driving an extra two to three hours a day so our son wouldn't leave nursery oh my life he'd grown up in when school came about it turned out he'd adjusted to new scenery and faces a matter of days so he probably could have just moved him to different nursery after all

i totally get doing that because you don't upset the kid but also it's probably better for the kid not to have parents that have driven for three hours every day yes yes that's like a part-time job before you do your job that is one of the most intense journeys but I think if it is a good nursery but I just don't think I could do it how good is it how good's the nursery how good can it be if it was driving two to three hours in an empty car I might be able to take it but some of that time there's a toddler in that car. Yes. Imagine, no wonder I listen to this podcast. Oh, wow, that is brutal. There we go. If you want to get in touch with us, this is how.

Email us, hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdownparents or Instagram, lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff, P.O. Box 76748, London E99DW. Right, Rob. Yes, mate. Who have we got today? We have got Dawn O'Porter, Josh Whitaker, best-selling author, TV personality.

She did some documentaries, didn't she? Yeah. Before she moved to LA to concentrate on writing, where she lives with her husband, Chris O'Dowd, the actor, and their two children. Very interesting, this one, especially how different it is in the US. Yes, it's absolutely fascinating. And she had come up with what I would describe as a superb way of dealing with homeschooling that

I've not heard before and has blown my mind. The pod-based odyssey, which we now call it. We will see whether people adopt it themselves and whether she changes UK schooling habits. This is Dawn O'Porter. Hello, Dawn O'Porter, and welcome to the show. How are you doing? I'm good, thank you. I'm, you know, I'm all right. Yeah.

You sure you're all right? Yeah, I'm fine. That's the start we're looking for. What we don't want is, I'm great. That's a disaster start for us. It's been a while since I've given that answer, I have to say. Yeah, I'm fine. It's all right. Okay, so this is the while since I've given that answer, I have to say. I'm fine. It's all right.

Okay, so this is the best start I've ever had. I can feel the stress and the pain. Hopefully the listeners at home can. Nice and chirpy. Yeah, I'm all right. I'm okay. We're getting there. Can you let us know about your setup, please, for us and the listeners? Yes, I am

a woman and I have a husband. Just noting all these facts down yes um i just wanted to give you i just wanted to give you an exclusive yeah wow okay i i have a husband and i have two boys yeah called um a five and a half year old called art and a three year old called valentine and a dog called potato and a cat called lilu and a fish called hippo and that is my lockdown crew oh wow and are you and are you in the uk or in america i'm in los angeles california full-time um full-time i've lived here for about 12 years now wow i know i know me and you had the exact same yeah terribly parochial response, exactly the same thing. Wow. Living in America for 12 years.

Oh, wow. You haven't got the accent, though, at all, have you? Who picks it up? No, I haven't got the accent. In fact, I think I've got more English, but I do have the annoying inflection. I notice when I'm talking to my kids, I'll be like, so have you, like, packed your lunch? And then that kind of da-da-da-da-da that kind of they do in California so I definitely have picked up something but luckily not not fully.

Well how do your kids so they've got an English accent and an Irish accent in the house and then they've got American accents all around them so how do they sound? Well obviously because we've been their primary influence for the last few months I'd say our three-year-old is sounding pretty english right now okay and um art is he just do you remember when like the osbournes in the 90s how they just had that weird hybrid where are those children from that he sounds a bit like that. That's not been heard since the Osbournes either. I'm not, Callum Best is the other one. That half English, half Californian accent. Yeah, exactly.

A bit like when Madonna moved to England and she suddenly, she suddenly got a bit English. He sounds a bit like that. But they'll do things like, we had a babysitter once and she was like, what's a garage? A garage? I was like, what's a garage? A garage? I was like, what do you mean garage? And I had to go, no, he means garage.

And she's like, oh, right. Okay, so we have moments like that all the time. Yeah, because he's locked in there at the moment. You might want to get him. Yeah, he's been in there a while. So were they off? Because I assume they're not in school yet. The three-year-old are not in school over there.

Are they in a preschool or nursery? Well, what is delightful is today is my second day since March where I have a kid-free house. I will repeat, second day since fucking March. So the situation, we're still like heavily in lockdown here it's really it's really really awful um and uh my makes you feel any better we're heading that way ourselves yeah so i heard i'm sorry i'm sorry i just feel like we're going to be in and out of this for for a while but um so valentine is uh preschool but he'll be going to the preschool that is also

art school they have a preschool but the school can't open, so Art can't go. But they've managed to open the preschool this week. So last week he went two mornings. This week he's going five mornings. Next week he goes five full days. Oh, what a week. Guys, I just, I just, like, we've had some help for the last few months we've had a bit of babysitting and um but when I don't know if you find if you're in the house and they're

with the babysitter they don't they don't care for the child care they want they want to be with us I feel like when I'm in the house if like I've got to do some work and then so we've got like a babysitter around or something and then I'm just in the house I feel like I've got to do some work and then so we've got like a babysitter around or something and then I'm just in the house I feel like I'm uncomfortable with the whole situation it's not it's not I can't go here's the kid now I'm gonna go much pointless it's just yeah you've got to be doing something yeah yeah I can only ever do it if it's work and I have to work and then I put music on and try to ignore it but I'm you know I'll hear like valentine fall over and hurt himself I'm not going to listen

to my baby screaming downstairs and not go down so then that's half an hour of like you know do you want a paw patrol plaster or do you want a you know pepper pig plaster and so then we're going through all that and then half an hour later the babyitter's like actually you only booked me till one I'm going now um so that it's it's been that for for months but I did something with art so because his school isn't going to open they don't think school's going to open here this year we think that's just something we'll have to resume yeah so um I got together with five other um parents who were in arts class and we created a pod and And so they, four days a week, he's out the house. We do five kids a day at each house. So on Thursdays, I homeschool five,

from nine till five on a Thursday. That is commitment. I'm getting itchy. I'm getting itchy thinking about it. It's so awful. It's so awful. It's so awful. It is. It's like, you know how when you do a kids' party,

you say it's two hours long for a reason because it's just awful. Well, that's eight hours of kids' party, basically. Oh, wow. But I have to make this it. Is it worth it, though, for the other four days? It is. Now Valentine's not here, so it really, really is. It's incredible.

And each parent has their own version of hell on their day when they've got it at their house. And so, but I'm surprisingly, because this is the best solution I could find. This is the best I could do. I give myself 100% to Thursdays. I'm in from the second they arrive, from the second they leave, I'm theirs.

I'm not trying to do anything else. School's got like Zoom classes from nine until 12, which they all hate because they're five and it's awful. And then in the afternoon we do, I organise things. So I've got like potato sacks to do potato sack races and loads of arts and crafts. And we're doing tie-dye t-shirts this week. And I don't know who the hell I am anymore, but this is who I am on Thursdays. Are you, do you think you're one of the better teachers or do you think other people are just like phoning in and putting Peppa Pig on for eight hours well we've got a deal so they do the school until 12 and then they're allowed to watch tv for an hour in the afternoon is downtime so I think everyone's yeah everyone's doing really well and each house is really different and and I and we're all just doing the best we can and it's

not my fucking problem four days a week so that's I've got an idea for you have you thought about teaming up with 364 other parents I know I know I did actually come up with one idea. When we were trying to work out how the pod would look, I said, we could just be brave and all do a week each in a row, five days, bam, bam, bam, just done. And then you get four weeks off. None of the other parents were into that idea, which is totally fair. And also, at the time, there was a risk. Well, what if the school does open in three weeks and then, you know,

three parents would have to do a week each and then two parents just didn't ever have to do anything but um it's fine it's working i'm it's it's it's the best we can do that'd be heartbreaking that's like when you buy a round and then they call last orders and you're like that is not fair that's not fair don what's the first glass of wine like at 6 p.m when all the other kids leave after your day of teaching what's the what's that emotion like for you when you've done your day? My first thought when you said that was, I can't believe you think I wait until six o'clock.

Have a pizza, the wine's out. I was like, they leave at five and Chris literally hands me a margarita at one minute past five. And it's just the best. It's the best. I mean, my drinking throughout lockdown is an absolute, like it's just the best it's the best I mean my drinking throughout lockdown is an absolute like it's a it's a legitimate problem but um

yeah that Thursday that Thursday like late afternoon uh drink is just it's wonderful and it's such a good feeling and because because I am working quite hard on the Thursdays, there is also like a kind of high five session. Like it's well done, high five, you did really well. Feeling of I did good, a bit like after a workout. And so that drink is really nice. That first drink on the Thursday night is really nice. Do you find it easier to school them as a group of five than one on their own?

Because when there's just one kid, I think they go, oh, go away, mum, go away, dad, I'm not listening to you. But when their mates are there and they're all falling into line, is it easier to sort of, you know, teach them as a group? Do you know what? I don't know. I'd say it's – with a five-year-old, I'd say it's really hard either way. I think trying to do remote learning with a five-year-old

is a really, really difficult age. It's really hard to keep their focus. They're all, you know, falling falling off the chairs dropping their pens oh oh is it boring can't hear what the teacher's saying one of them just you know thumps the other one and there it's and also which whoever's house is is just a massive arsehole that day because say if it's arts apparently quite well behaved everyone else's house but he gets overwhelmed when he's at home and all these other kids are here. So he'll just, you know, be melting down all morning. So it's terrible. But we show up for the classes so the teachers don't tell us off

and we do the best we can. And that's literally. I think it sounds like a great idea. I think it's a great idea. Yeah, it's good. I think there's a lot of parents now who are listening to this thinking, I wish I'd heard this idea in March. Yeah. Yeah. I do feel like at some point, Dawn, there's going lot of parents now who are listening to this thinking, I wish I'd heard this idea in March. Yeah.

Yeah. I do feel like at some point, Dawn, there's going to be a WhatsApp group of just four of you all complaining about one loose cannon. That's the danger of the pod. Yeah, it is true. We're all being like, we're all being very polite about each other's kids. We're all being like, no, it's fine.

What you should do is have a promotion relegation so at the end of each week a child's the worst child's relegated to a different pod and then another child's promoted oh god that's so good can I tell you what I do do that is I said do do which I really love is um I do a star chart with them which is keeps them in check so five stars and they get a lollipop and if they act up I take a star away and I have to be really strict about it and when I take a star away it is honestly it's heartbreak real tears from somebody else's kid you just feel like so awful but but there's there's a couple of them that just you know aggravate each other all day so I I do it and I take a star away and I let them be heartbroken for five minutes.

And then I say, if you want to get that star back, come with me. Help me tidy up the shoes and I'll give you a star back. So they've never got a less star for more than like 20 minutes. Yeah. But it totally keeps them in line. And then at four o'clock or at 3.30, I do one big thing where they will have to do something. They get a star and get a lollipop and that means that I've just kind of

I've got order I love star charts if anybody doesn't do them and has a non-ruly toddler or five year old they are really powerful tools mine really respond to it but I don't know if you find this sometimes when I want them getting back

to five stars so they can get the lolly because it's nearly lolly time I am finding any reason to give them oh you didn't spit in my face or swear at me have a star I find myself giving away too cheap I know I know but that fear that one of them won't actually have their five stars is so horrible you've got to make sure they get it the one week I was I couldn't think of anything so I said if you draw me a picture I'll give you a star and this kid had just had a bit of a scrap with my kid and he drew this really beautiful it's five detailed picture of the fight oh wow that was that was that was really emotional I felt kind of overwhelmed by it so then anyway he got his lollipop but yeah I find it it's a really good method but um but also they what what kids will do for sugar amazes me yes are other parents going you can you do this and not do this with my

child or is that or you're not allowed to impose your rules on the other four parents no i think every parent in the pod is using sugar to get through the day yes to get through the day. Yes, to get through the day. No, luckily, and I'm quite happy that, you know, the pod was, I chose who I was going to pod with for the reason that it's a group of quite relaxed parents who, you know, will let you do your day just to have their day off. I bet there's a little keynote pod and like an exclusion pod of the absolute ed cases.

Yeah. Chewing on the table legs. Well, weirdly, we're the only pod that did it in the whole year I was quite surprised I think people generally because this is America and because we're on lockdown people are still really scared and um lots of people here haven't left the house since March you know haven't really had yes yes yes so many people so what what can't what can't you do and can you do at the moment then like where you are in California only eat outside so the restaurants are open but only if they've got streets

that you can sit on. And then no pubs. You know, shops have capacity limits. There's no schools, obviously. There's no offices. You know, we're not on a stay-at-home order anymore, but they've never said it's okay to see up to six people, for example. Yeah.

They just haven't really said that so so we just created this pod and we just live in this kind of tiny tiny bubble and did you find being in LA like is it a different upbringing what are the main differences for a child growing up to LA to where I don't know where you grew up but yeah Guernsey in the 80s where there was like no crime so we were just wow I mean't know where you grew up, but presumably. I grew up in Guernsey. You grew up in Guernsey? Yeah, Guernsey in the 80s, where there was like no crime. So we were just, I mean, I know. And is there no crime in LA? None, none, none at all. They've really cleaned up their act over in LA.

Yeah, yeah, it's really nothing at all. Wow, it must be so strange having such an alien childhood to what your kids are experiencing from Guernsey to LA. I imagine the same for your partner as well from Ireland. It must be so weird that they're doing things that are different to what you guys did. Well, it is. I mean, God, I mean, I don't know. It doesn't, you know, when you don't realise how weird it is because you just feel so used to it all of a sudden. I mean, the weird thing about LA is it's not like living in a city because it's all so spread out and you kind of have, you have to find your own community because

there isn't really a hub or a sense of community here so we live you know we have a group of friends that we see and that we have we because we don't have any family out here we've got three couples two of which are Irish um one is American and we've all kind of raised our kids together we live really close and they're like you know that we're all aunties and uncles to each other's kids and the kids think of each other as cousins and so it's quite a small town in a weird kind of way the way that the kids are growing up yeah I'd say in Guernsey in an island you were way more surrounded by people kind of much more sense of a bigger community than our kids would have here oh wow yeah I think so but then are

the one thing that I um I notice a lot is anxiety is there's a lot of anxiety in America and especially in parenting um hygiene was always big before this you know like you see mums at the playground following their kids around with antibacterial gel before COVID even happened. And, you know, people talk about, I got allergies and I need to hydrate. And everyone's kind of worried about everything that's going on with their bodies all the time. And so then you bring COVID into the mix. And the way that it fueled parents' anxiety here was, I found, quite overwhelming. I think we're just naturally not so anxious as Brits. And do you worry that your children being exposed to that kind of anxiety

might give them those anxieties, if you know what I mean? I don't think they'll be too bad because Chris and I are quite feral. As in, we're not particularly anxious. We're not like, you know, wash your hands and, you know, be a clean person. But we're not obsessive about that. And, and also our home, I guess our home is quite relaxed. And so they, you know, thinking of Valentine going to school now with his three,

he goes to school with a mask on, perspex between the kids, only allowed to play outside, all this kind of stuff. Like my fear for them post COVID is that they will just find other people disgusting. So they're having to wear masks all day, a three-year-old at school? Yeah. Blimey. Yeah.

He wears a mask all day. Luckily, he's great at it. And you don't know what's going to happen if in the UK you end up getting told that your kids have to wear masks at school. My kids wouldn't do it until I got the masks with dinosaurs on, and then they just wanted to wear it all the time. He's actually really good, Valentine, at wearing it. And then there's perspex

between the kids. Like if they sit down and play at desks, there's perspex between them. I know. No touching. Not really, no. But the thing is, because he's three, he's weirdly, they just get on with it. Yeah, they don't know any different really, do they?

Yeah, I'm actually really grateful, despite the amount of alcohol I've had to consume to cope with the last few months. I'm actually really grateful that my kids were this age during this time because it's been harder for Chris and I in terms of childcare. But Chris and I are their favourite people in the world. We are who they want to be with the most. So if we could keep them entertained at home, we could keep them happy. This must have been so hard for people with older kids and who missed their friends and who didn't just want to be with their parents all the time and

who really had to sit on Zoom every day for months. i just find that to me is so much more stressful than my three-year-old wearing a mask and getting to go to school yeah no yeah definitely that's the generation i feel most sorry for that sort of like 16 to 23 that age group where you're supposed to be going out with friends and meeting new people and going to parties and they've had that take away really it's hard for the parents of like a three-year-old at home but they don't know or care really do you know what rob i feel sorry for the oaps that a three-year-old at home, but they don't know or care really. Do you know what, Rob? I feel sorry for the OAPs that are high risk, but we've each got our own people we feel sorry for.

You go for the teenagers if you think those are the people that are struggling the most. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... beach vacation a breeze. And it felt a little like... Life's a trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. So let's be clear.

When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx. Okay. But what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx. Impressive.

Is there a regulatory specialist i can ask about fedex oh but let's say that x what fedex thanks no more questions always your answer for international shipping fedex where now meets next i was gonna say as well obviously it feels like you've got into your groove now with the pod and things like that and obviously it's been a few months but were there moments like in from March and you know um April and May where we would say it was just you know the moment where you just we call it a milk tray moment where Shappi Korsandi just lost it over a milk tray of her kids for no reason and had to apologize to them there was a moment when it was just getting too much of the kids and you

sort of lost it or anything like that so many many times, so very, very many times. I found it, we've just moved house, which has been life-changing for us because up until a month ago, we lived in a bungalow and there was no outside access to the garden unless it was through our bedroom. So Chris and I had nowhere to escape to. And it was, we bought that house well before we had kids. We didn't anticipate that our lives would go in this direction. But we, it was very, we were very much on top of each other and just felt like we couldn't catch a break. And so in the old house, I did have some days

where I just couldn't take the moaning, the whining, the noise. I mean, we made a deal at the start that I would do all of the cooking because cooking is a great passion in my life. And I found it incredibly therapeutic to be able to go into the kitchen, put the radio on, pour wine and concentrate on a meal meal and that was kind of my solace and I found myself when I was losing it just going and doing that but then after a few months after three meals a day seven days a week for three months I even found that boring. And it was around that point where I started to have some epic level meltdowns of just being with my children and then just turning around and walking away from my children, going into another room, slamming the door and very likely screaming and having that moment of actual rage and frustration breathing it out returning to the children and carrying on could i ask a question yes could you take us through with an example what a very light scream is oh i don't think I could do that now I think it would really hurt you I don't it's it's it's definitely it's definitely the kind of scream where if you heard

it you would dial 999 okay all right okay um one of the things I think me and Rob did to deal with this was start this podcast and now you I suppose is this to deal with the kind of monotony of lockdown have written this book uh life in pieces which is a diary of life in lockdown yeah it was like you trying to make the best of the situation or was it just you trying to escape it was really odd I because I write for a living and I really, I really love my job. And I find that when I get immersed into a writing project, it does something very good to my soul. It's very good for me.

So when lockdown started, I had a novel to write, but there was no way that I had that level of focus. But I needed to write something. So I set up a blog and I started to write a daily diary of lockdown and it was it turned into such an important part of the process for me all day I would make notes on my phone when anything funny happened we were potty training potty training valentine for the first month so you can imagine my house was literally covered in shit i was there with you don't worry about it yeah yeah and um and so i started to kind of i've always been quite chris and i quite private about family and kids but i felt in this weird scenario of lockdown the opening up the sharing of the the the parenting woes the funny bits and the awful

bits just felt so therapeutic so i was just making notes all day on my phone of things that happened and then kind of compiling them into this blog every night and I just looked it gave me something to look forward to every night after the kids had gone to bed again I'd pour some wine write my blog and um and I became really addicted to it and I I started it started to just be it made me laugh and it felt like a massive release and uh and yeah so that's how it started but I never ever thought that that blog would become a book but what happened was at about 10 to 12 weeks I had this absolutely huge body of work this kind of you know this diary of this really intense time where nothing was happening but everything was happening and um

and so my publishers um asked if I could put it into a book and that they could publish it and I honestly took the paycheck let's let's not beat around the bush no you made good of a bad situation I think like but how much kind of time and evening are you spending so you get the kids to bed you're knackered presumably yeah and then you're kind of having to switch into the mode where you're writing or did you do you find that completely relaxing in a weird way yeah I loved it it was like I said it was just such a good outlet and I made notes all day so then I had the note on my phone I'd email it to my computer and then put it into a word document and just kind of make sense of it and make it into something readable and I just

I'd probably spend no more than an hour on it every night and um it made me feel like I love being a mum guys I know you know we all do we love being we'll edit that bit out yeah yeah yeah but I'm waiting for the butt yeah but my life my life was never to be that that was all I did so when stripped when I was stripped of my life beyond being a mum very quickly needed something that was mine like you know a grown-up my own thing that made me feel that my life just didn't totally evolve around these maniacs that lived in my house but it was good it was right it was really it was really good i'm raising it back and um and it's actually really lovely to have that that diary of this weird time yeah i bet me and rob will listen to this back and go oh my god what an awful time

would you ever listen to this podcast back rob as a diary of the time oh absolutely not i think i i mean when you're saying what you did when the kids were in bed all i did was just get pissed and play war zone you've created a book that you know your children will be able to read it and go oh this is what mom and dad were going through when they were little and i've done nothing uh but yeah it's amazing to you know i don't think i can listen back to this though josh i think too many i find my voice too nasal oh no you won't you'll love it you'll love that you documented it in some way yeah but i'll never listen back my kids

might listen but i couldn't listen back to my not especially with his voice it's not pain in the ass it's hard enough doing it live has chris gone back to work dawn well no he's getting lots of scripts and there's lots of talk of things happening but it's you know a lot of them come in going we're doing this when we can and um but i feel like things are starting to move a bit there but again it's very difficult because just like you're experiencing in the uk you think everything's easing up and then we could just get dragged right back again at any point so he's he's written he's written a lot while we've been in lockdown which is great so he's kind of good to go when it ends and um and if a production did come up and

say right we're going to go for it I'm happy see because I right I'm quite happy if he gets a production to for just to totally isolate with a production I don't mind us doing that at all could I'll deal I'll deal with the kids at home and just you know so he can get some work in but I just think everyone's nervous to press go on productions at the moment. Yeah, it's so expensive as well. It's not like they're all, if it's a big budget film or series or something, it's not something you can quickly knock out. It takes months and months, doesn't it?

Yeah, exactly. And just putting so many people at risk on a film set, you know, it's just so many people that have to be there. So we'll see. We'll see. Hopefully soon, though. We've got a feature in the show brought in by matt crosby where because his uh his wife's a fan of the show so

we gave him the opportunity to uh mention a sort of parenting gripe that he had with his wife it's something that frustrated him that he could never actually tell his wife um face to face or it'll just kick off but it's a fair it's a fair comment is there something now that you'd like to say sort of a parenting thing that gets on your nerves that you can't really tell Chris to his face, but it's totally fair. And if he heard it from a roundabout way, it would help your parenting.

But I don't know if there's anything that you'd like to get off your chest now. It's your opportunity, Dawn. Literally just written up a quick list on my whiteboard. So the first one that came to mind is i'm so weird i'm on a podcast but speaking quietly so chris doesn't hear me say this blatantly gonna hear about it yeah i i do so wish that that he would put the sunscreen on the child before he dresses them. Oh, yes.

Oh, I see. Yes, that makes sense. Hands down, the worst part of my day, every day, is putting sunscreen on my children. They act like I am rubbing balls of fire onto their skin. It is so stressful. I can't imagine the Irish Guernsey combo is great in the LA Sun. No, no, no, no, no, no. And poor Art's got the Irish skin.

So anyway, but I have to do it because it was 109 degrees here a couple of weeks ago. The kids have to wear sunscreen. But what I do is before I dress the child, I slather them in the cream so that they're fully covered under their clothes. Because as we all know, T-shirts don't have an SPF. And then I put the clothes on. The problem with doing it vice versa is that I have to reach down the back of the T-shirt, thus strangling the child with the front of the T-shirt.

And the child, because it's dressed, thinks that it's done getting ready. So when I reintroduce the idea of a sunscreen, the meltdown is done. I'm on your side here, Dawn. That is totally fair. But I can understand having that argument at 8am before the school run. It's too stressful to bring up. You just don't. You just don't. You just don't. So that's it. Perfect. I'm glad we could offer you that service that you could get.

Hopefully we'll be back in touch to see if that message has carried through. But we'll find out in due course. When you read about the divorce. A bit of paper, sunscreen, marriage feud. So Dawn, when you come out of lockdown, whenever that will be, what would be your, say tomorrow all of the kind of freedoms were returned,

what would be the first thing you'd do with your family? It's really interesting that you ask what I would do with my family because the first thing I would do when this is over is leave them with a babysitter for an entire weekend. Yeah, I realised actually the question was absurd. That's a mental question, Josh. Yeah, and Chris and I would go away and get a hotel somewhere

and fucking drink constantly for 48 hours because I feel that that's what every marriage needs after lockdown. You've been missing the drinking, fair enough. Well, no, we go, but just drinking. The problem is when you drink so much around children, it's always with a slight feeling of I shouldn't be doing this. Yeah. And I want to get back to guilt-free drinking again.

Drinking with abandon. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's best. Yeah. And also just being, you know, just that waking up in a hotel room and the kids not being there. You could lie there till bedtime. Oh, my God.

Wouldn't that just be so lovely? And no one jumps on you or does anything. You could not being there. You could lie there till bedtime. Oh, my God. Wouldn't that just be so lovely? And no one jumps on you or does anything. You could just lay there. So you'd basically just escape to a hotel with Chris. That would be so nice. Do you know the thing is, though, and as we're talking about this, because there's a lot of complaining to do about parenting over the course of this year because it's been really hard,

but we've had some such lovely moments as well. I definitely do think we'll look back on this because this really, this whole period really was the end of Valentine being a baby. You know, we got out of nappies over this time. He, you know, kind of dropped naps and fully sleeps through the night. I mean, he was doing that before, but just, he's really not a baby anymore. And I feel like that happened. And then, you know, the more,

just thinking about being in a hotel and waking up would be so lovely. But then, you know, we've got this thing. They come into our bed every morning and they're just all cuddly and gorgeous. And I definitely feel like lockdown has made me a way more engaged mum because I've had to be. I couldn't I was never been very good at playing. I would always be like they like, come play with me, come play with me. So I'd sit down and do Lego and then I'd do the wrong lego and they'd yell at me so I end up just getting annoyed and walking off and that's basically what playing always was and now I'm I get down on my hands and knees and I play with them and you know do arts and crafts with them and do all these things that I never did before because somebody else got to do that when they

went to school or daycare or whatever and so I I'm grateful for all of that. I'm grateful for this time. And I just, I'm trying not to look back on it all as being an entirely negative experience. Having said that, I'm over it. I want it to end and I don't want to do it ever again, but it was great. There's definitely been nice moments in terms of, in terms of parenting, but I do like the idea of 48 hours without someone going,

mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, which is what they seem to say all the time would be gorgeous. But you know what? I, I, you have that. And then I felt guilt. And you're like, why am I feeling guilty about like when you, we went on holiday for a week and then we went away for a night and I felt guilt leaving I've just done a week of this I know there's something about it it's like you've got Stockholm syndrome or something isn't it yeah unfortunately I think

this is what they mean by loving them which is just really annoying do you know what I think we love our kids, guys. I know, it's so annoying. It's so unfair. Disgusting. I did not set up this podcast to find that out. Thank you very much. I tell you what, I would be nice because we don't have any family here. If Chris and I ever do anything, we have to get childcare to cover us. And that can make me feel a bit guilty sometimes because we don't have a nanny. So we don't have like a regular person. So we always have to kind of work that out. But what would be really, really lovely is to be able to fly back to Ireland, say, and leave the kids with family for a weekend so we don't feel guilty about it, because that's important.

That would be the perfect thing to do. Do you want to just, Dawn, if you could just say again what the name of your book is. Oh, okay. So it's called Life in Pieces, and it's out on October 1st. And can we play a game where when we read the book, we've got to try and guess which day you did your scream in the bedroom? Yes. It just feels like a scream, a lonely scream that day.

Sometimes muffled in a pillow. Yeah, exactly. Everyone's had a pillow scream now and again. I mean, if you've not had a pillow scream in lockdown, you've not done lockdown as far as I'm concerned. That's true. You're not sticking to the rules. Yeah, it's part and parcel.

Oh, thank you so much, Dawn. It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you for having me. Bye. Cheers. Cheers, mate. Bye. Dawn O'Porter,

Joshua. That was great. I really enjoyed that. I got really panicked when I first said her name because I know that she changed her name when she married Chris O'Dowd,

but I got all confused about it because I knew that she didn't just take his name, but she didn't keep her name. She did something. You thought it might be Chris O'Dowd. No, or I thought it was going to be, I don't know. I didn't know if it was going to be like Port O'Dowd. I just really panicked.

And then I said it and then I was like, oh God, I hope that's right. And then no one said anything. So I think it's okay. Yeah. We'll clean it up in the edit. Slick as anything. Mate, she's amazing. That was great, wasn't it?

Yeah, brilliant. The pod was mind-blowing. A, the pod is mind-blowing. What a great idea. B, America's absolutely fucked. The kids in masks and Perspex screens. What? Jesus Christ.

Fuck off. That is mental. I would absolutely. Basically, the kids in America. They're going to be insane when they grow up. I wanted to ask, you feel sorry for the person that does Friday, right? You want to get Monday. No, you don't want Monday.

You need Monday to recover from your own kids and sort the house out. I reckon you want Tuesday. You feel got a bit of energy of the week then you've got wednesday thursday friday to have the time of your life yeah tuesday tuesday definitely would you have done the week i wouldn't have done the her week thing where you get four weeks off and then one week on i said feels like working on an oil rig not for me imagine that feeling do you remember the feeling like at the end of the summer holidays on a sunday night imagine the feeling before your week of being the teacher yeah but also though you know it's all a bit competitive anyway isn't it with kids and parents and schools and all stuff

like that like even if people aren't being outwardly so like i would worry they'd get a bit like a little bit bitchy in between all the different parents so they did that they i mean yeah that's my worry. But if you pick, she said she picked four other people. So if they're in the same wavelength, then it'd be fine. And what do you think about, I mean,

she's really made me reevaluate what I've done with my evenings in that. She's written a book and I've watched a series of increasingly on exciting Netflix documentaries. To be fair, the amount she was drinking, fuck knows what's in this book. Cause she was drinking, fuck knows what's in this book. Because she was like, yeah, it's in my phone. I've done it an hour a night.

I was mainly drunk. It's mainly probably just gusto recipes. But no, I'm being mean. But yeah, that is, you know, that is impressive to do that. It's a little bit annoying actually to a point. But, you know, and I'm still shit at Warzone. That's all i did for about two months i still can't do it um josh i've loved this episode and i really i've really enjoyed it's been an absolute joy i suppose i'll see you on um friday yeah see you on friday we won't actually we'll just hear each other which we should meet

up and i'll do another face-to-face one yeah don't tell boris i'll have to get my kids to go out the weird thing would be we'd be allowed to meet up socially but the moment we started working we'd be breaking the work from home if you can rule so we're allowed to me oh yeah so i was gonna say because if we wanted to be getting tom allen on here aren't we you could come here and michael come here and we could just get pissed but that's the social. But the moment Michael press record, we would be breaking the law. Oh,

Josh, is it right that your mic's broken at home? I mean, I'm being let down by the fact you're gonna have to reply with your working mic. Yeah, that is a problematic situation you've put me in there. Fuck WFH. Anyway,

we'll sort it out. We will, we will chat. We'll chat from Anyway, we'll sort it out. We will... We'll chat from home. On Friday. And we'll make sure all recording's done before 10pm. Just in case COVID turns up. Right, see you on Friday.

See you later. Bye.