Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP46: "It's not sticky till the first lick..."

Episode Date: October 2, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP46: "It's not sticky till the first lick..."More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx Follow Rob's barber brother: @the brockleybarberIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Now that's a vacation I can get behind. Deals so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Hello, I'm Josh Whittacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky.

So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Lockdown Parenting Woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Say Rob Beckett for me. Rob Beckett because I'm done.

And Josh Whittaker. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. And Josh... I am done. And Josh Whittaker. I'm done. Say Josh Whittaker. I am done. Josh Whittaker. I'm done. And Josh Whittaker. I am done. Say Josh Whittaker. I am done. Josh Whittaker. I am done. Say Josh Whittaker.

I am done. Okay, I am done. Wow, that's amazing. That's my favourite ever, I think. That is definitely straight into number one, that. I am done. That sounds like a break-up argument. You can imagine someone shouting after their girlfriend

on the train platform, and she's just going, I'm done. And he's like, but please, I'm sorry. I am done. We've got Josh Winnicombe tickets. I'm done. Well, you won't be needing them for a good four years. Someone messaged me the other day, right, going, is your, this was like, so, yeah,

this was like about an hour after the second, like, 10 p.m. curfew announcement. It went, is your gig still happening tomorrow? I mean, come on. Can't get a pint at half ten. We're not going to fill a theatre. People have heard that you're running short, Rob. They know.

To be fair, I do normally finish by ten, my folks. Josh, how are you doing? All right. I should say that's Grace, the daughter of Nick Carmichael-Jones. I'm done. I don't want to know. Oh, you're done. Okay, sorry.

I'm done. Okay. They had their moment. They had their moment. I am doing this for my daughter's nursery so um because um a bedroom basically is that a switch from a nursery to a bedroom well i think soon because we've got to well we've had a bit of a nightmare actually right perfect great content for us let's go we've ordered uh she's going she's moving into a bed

she's moving into a big girl bed. And we ordered the bed and the mattress has turned up two weeks before the rest of the bed. So we've currently got a mattress in our hallway by the front door for the next two weeks. Oh, that's ridiculous. Absolutely gutted. But she can't just sleep on a mattress

like some kind of heroin addict. There's no way. That train's fine. She's not in Pete Doherty's Albion rooms I do think there's a danger though that mattress may start having knickknacks be put on top of it if it's in your house for two weeks

I only came round for an hour and a half the other day and there's a teapot on my shoulder I'm so high so I'm sat because our cleaner's here so I normally record it from my bedroom, but because the other Wi-Fi's not good enough in my office,

so I moved to the bedroom, but now the bedroom is being cleaned, so I'm in my daughter's nursery. That's a terrible state of affairs that the Wi-Fi doesn't work in the office. It's so annoying. I describe it as the most annoying thing in my life. Really? Well, the Wi-Fi's good enough for normal Wi-Fi, I describe it as the most annoying thing in my life. Really? Well, the Wi-Fi is good enough for normal Wi-Fi,

for everything except these recordings and Zoom. Yes. So I had to have a Zoom meeting the other day from the chaise longue at the end of my bed. Wow. Did you fully lay on it or did you sit perched on the edge? I lay on it. With some grapes? Yeah, edge i'd like i lay on it with some grapes yeah yeah with some grapes yeah obviously yeah of course i can't get a chaise lounge about completely naked um i'm surely that chaise lounge at the end of your bed just has dirty clothes thrown on it that it doesn't get you does it ever get

used as a chaise lounge no no that's the first time it has done in fact that meeting yeah so it was quite a quite a back as a work expense that shows long so what's the sound was it tight is it a tidy nursery what's what's the situation yeah well it is because the clean was in here an hour ago so it's actually the best it looks a week of all the points this week to come in um are you in the in the cot what's the situation i'm sat with the microphone on small small chest of drawers, which has also got my laptop on, a pint of water and a cup of tea on some bum cream. On the old bum, the Sudocream? Yeah, on the Sudocream. The reason it's on there... Is there another cream for

the arse? I don't think there is, is there? Well, there's various creams for the arse, but I'd say... That is the... That's the market lead. That's very much the Coca-Cola. How's your week been, Rob? It's been a good week. I've been pretty busy at work, and then we had quite a stressful... It wasn't stressful, actually, but we had a wedding with the kids. Oh, wow.

And they were bridesmaids. Oh, right. So were they within the 15 or whatever it is that are allowed? Well, it was the last wedding of 30. Oh, lovely, right. So were they within the 15 or whatever it is that are allowed? Well, it was the last wedding of 30. Oh, lovely, lovely. The glory days of a 30-person wedding. Now it's only 15. So it was quite lucky, actually. So they were the bridesmaids, but the church,

this is not the fault of the bride and groom. It was a lovely wedding, by the way. Can you hear the screaming coming from downstairs on my mic? Yeah, what is that? That's my daughter. Oh, it's your daughter? Yeah. She's not happy.

I'm going to say it. Yeah. I've had my fill of working from home. I'm over it. I'm completely over it. You want a nice, juicy hour commute somewhere. Oh, mate, six months more of this. Genuinely, if this is the new normal,

me perched in a nursery with some tea on some bum cream listening to my daughter cry while I attempt to engage in an anecdote about a wedding that is too small and we can all agree with it. It's so hard to concentrate. Even if you're not looking after, you're in charge of the child. If you can still hear them screaming in the background the absolute guilt so well no you

shouldn't have the guilt though because you're at work now john yes but we but look at my job rob i'm not welding together something i'm literally just talking i'm moaning i'm moaning and then i'm i'm like it's that thing where i'm to let you into a secret here, Rob. Yeah. Even though my wife listens to this, so she'll hear that. So when I'm working upstairs, I often feel too guilty to go downstairs to get, my tea intake has gone down because I feel guilty

to go down and come back up. Do you know what I mean? So you're not having lunch or anything? Well, I do have lunch. But like normally, in before the new normal, I'd have had four or five cups of tea in the morning to really get me through it. Now, I'll have one when I go up, and then I'll think,

if I go down, I've got to then do that awkward thing where I basically go, oh, yeah, it is a difficult morning. Anyway, I'll see you later. I'm going back upstairs. And I find that so, such a, do you not feel the guilt? Well, I think it's more because our job is fun. So you're that so, such a, do you not feel the guilt? Well, I think it's more because our job is fun. So you're not like going,

I've got to go up there because I've got to finish your report or my boss is going to be down my neck. It's basically, Rose knows that if you come up 10 minutes later, it just means it's one text to me and to Michael. Oh, I'll be 10 minutes. And neither of us really care. No,

no, exactly. I should have just said I was an accountant and tried to keep that up for 10 years just keep it away yeah also as well people have been slagging off michael for not bleeping the cunt's in an episode aren't they but i was quite pro letting them slip in so yeah with that you know michael's still a great guy i think that's the bottom line he's currently having an absolute nightmare over worrying how he's going to edit the crying from this i i'm convinced that he pretends he's listening just goes off and does other stuff while we chat but um we'll

find out won't we we'll find out we'll find out that that does happen i'm not gonna lie um anyway um josh you want to hear about this wedding right yes so they're bridesmaids so it's quite you know it's quite an important part of the day isn isn't it, right? And they're only four and two, so it's quite hard to explain what they're doing. So they had to have a wedding rehearsal. The only time the wedding people could do it was 5.45 on a Thursday evening. Bearing in mind, so I got told about this on Thursday morning before the school run, and Lou went, yeah, it's at 5.45, right?

And then the four-year-old heard this and went, are we going to a wedding rehearsal? I went, yeah. And she went, when? She it's at 5.45, right? And then the four-year-old heard this and went, are we going to a wedding rehearsal? I went, yeah. And she went, when? She went, at 5.45. She went, but I've got to go to school. And then she had a swimming lesson, right, at 4.30. She went, I've got to go to school, and I've got a swimming lesson at 4.30.

Even the four-year-old went, I'm going to be so tired. And I was like, yeah, I know. How was the rehearsal? Well, we had to go on the way. We had to had to get him some lunch we got a dinner sorry we still got him like a mcdonald's right i don't know i don't know about anyone else i don't know you've only just got your car but i think i've lost count of the amount of times i've tried to order mcdonald's with a tension headache as two kids in the back scream at me, nuggets, burger chips. Trying to order a drive-thru with two children shouting at you,

their order, is, I think, the hardest thing I'd do in my life. Yeah, but that's so much about your life. I just feel like saying to the bloke, look, mate, I come here twice a week at least. It's always the same order. What do you think I'm going to order? A McRib? Oh, nine milkshakes actually it's the

same thing an happy meal just give me it all right anyway so we went to the wedding was great do you want to know my job was at the wedding because i've had little jobs um i had to facetime the 90 year old grandparents that weren't there oh my god right oh my god mate in a church you know wi-fi it's a high pressure job isn't it is there no wi-fi in the church is that because it interrupts the signal to god yeah it does it interferes with the prayers not all of the messaging can get through it's just hence why it's not always implemented because he's busy and the wi-fi why were you face up and then did you have to like hold them up so they could watch yeah 45 minutes oh mate so i was holding it the whole time i'd like a pain in my arm in the evening

but also as well like i couldn't get him completely to mute. So I could hear him like that. And also I got, I got given my phone by my father-in-law. He's got a really old iPhone. Right. And he went, Oh,

that's it. And it wouldn't go through because the father-in-law had been trying to ring them on their landline to FaceTime. Oh my God. Oh, I mean, come on. I had to go into the phone and then phone, and then I got locked out.

And then I was like, what's the passcode? And he was like, oh. And then he told me the passcode. So I got back in, and then I managed to FaceTime them. But then as I started FaceTiming them, a minute into the ceremony, a little thing came up. You've used 80% of your data. Oh, my God.

Oh, mate. It was awful. We got through it awful we got through it we got through it all but the vicar lady was so lovely but she was so you know someone loves like a way of doing things she was like

right now we're going to get some chairs for the bride and groom so that they can sit down I was like oh yeah good to know what they're going to be used for just get them out and stack them for a laughic is that what we're doing anyway so it all. Just get them out and stack them for a laughic. Is that what we're doing?

Anyway, so it all went well. It was a lovely ceremony. But the problem was trying to keep a two-year-old or four-year-old quiet during a ceremony. So Lou, very cleverly, did a bag of, like, toys and stuff for the kids. So it was quite nice. A little, like, pink bag with stuff in it. So it was, like, colouring in stickers, toys, and stuff like that. Okay?

Was it a long ceremony? It was probably about – not long long it's about 45 minutes that's a long time for a two-year-old and four-year-old to sit silently isn't it or you and me yeah so um i did really laugh though when she said about that we've got to get chairs so they can sit down but i just couldn't help it are you socially distanced all the way back through the church yeah so we're all spread out there's a gap between each row and stuff. It was almost like me and Lou and the two kids were there. It was almost like an aeroplane aisle. That's what it felt like, trying to keep them calm and quiet for like 45 minutes.

So, you know, little sticker books, they peel off a sticker and they just stick it on the right page, right? Lou, the legend, had taken out, because basically you get a book and then at the back are all the stickers, and it says, like, page 18. And it's, like, the stickers for their dogs, and it's in a park, and people walking dogs. And then you stick the dogs. So I would class that as a silent activity.

Wouldn't you? Yeah. And also because no ripping of the page, because she'd already done that and stapled it to the right page. I cannot believe how loud stickers are in a church. It was so loud. Everyone's looking around, right, and we're all panicked, because I'm like, it's too loud. And I'm trying in a church it was so loud everyone's looking around right and we're all panicked because I'm like it's too loud and then I'm trying to tell Lou it's too loud just

with eyes because I've got a mask on so I'm just sort of like doing like big eyes and nodding going too loud then I'm trying to pull the mask what was loud about it I can't I couldn't Josh the peeling and then just a book and then like one of them got the doggies in the wrong place. So then out of nowhere, right? Lou wits out, which is basically your star player, a lollipop, right? Yeah. Because, you know, if they're licking that, they can't speak, can they? Genius.

This is a great tip if you're in a church, you're trying to keep it quiet for a wedding. She'd already unwrapped the lollipop. Oh, wow. Genius, isn't it? Wasn't it stuck to her? her i mean i suppose it's not sticky before the first lick exactly you're right josh it's not sticky until the first lick and then that saved the day because i thought stickers are gonna be all right but it was awful so she whipped out an unwrapped lolly and like you say it's not sticky until the first lick it's not sticky until the first lick so It's not sticky until the first lick.

There you go. So that was a game changer. Also, on that topic, do you remember the massive gobstoppers? Yeah. Oh, awful. Massive, big gobstopper. And then you'd die.

I swear I used to half lick it and give it to my mum and she'd put it in a bag in a tissue. They were rubbish. Awful. They were terrible. What were your top three sweets, Rob? Your top three confectionaries as a child.

Oh, I did like the little, I loved a bit of white chocolate, a little white mice you know a little white mice yeah love a white mice um i'd love the bonbon yeah very big yeah yeah yeah bonbon my dad's older so he used to get me into all the weird old stuff yeah no like weird like that odd little licorice he likes well oh not for me but a little white mice but i to say, an unwrapped lollipop, that's the Lionel Messi of a quiet wedding. Yeah, because the unwrapping, that's too loud.

Could you imagine? Imagine trying to unwrap a chubba chub. Yeah, that's the thing. And there's no thing in a wedding. I suppose you could do it all during the hymns and stuff. Go, right, let's unwrap it during the hymns. No one's religious in there,

so no one knows what the words are. Are you whispering in case the vicar's listening? Well, everyone just says amen at the end. Amen. Was that a big piss-up? Well, no, we had to all be out by ten, didn't we? Of course.

Oh, why get married? Well, yeah, but it was lovely. It was as good as you could. It was lovely, and you couldn't have done any better in COVID. Yes. But also, as well, they're quiet, quiet couples. So there would never have been like a mad four-year party. It was good.

The girls look beautiful. They behaved. And yeah, so that was all right. That was you referring to your daughters, just to be clear. Oh, yeah. That wasn't you making a laddy comment about all the women at the wedding. Oh, yeah. They'd be like, they kept their hands off me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All that. Great wedding. Girls, yeah. They'd be like, they kept their hands off me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All that. Great wedding. Girls look beautiful. Loved it. I don't think Wayne Linnicol posted this on Instagram. Oh, yeah. All the birds look lovely.

All got dolled up for it. Fucking lovely dresses. A bit of lippy. You don't see it often. One bird in a power suit. Not for me. But, yeah, lovely dresses. Legs out.

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Discover the extraordinary with Echo, the spectacular new show by Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. The world is yours to create. Echo thanks its presenting partner Sun Life I've got an update on young Finlay who got coronavirus like the week of starting school. Do you remember this? Finlay, a four-year-old from Italy, was supposed to start school yesterday,

but he couldn't because he was struck down by Corona anyway we've had an update from Abby Hi Rob and Josh, thank you for including Finlay on the podcast, for being so kind for sending your sympathies, thankfully he's totally fine now with no lasting side effects, he is loving school and was so excited to get stuck in

I'm so relieved to see the back of him each morning of so many months but it really goes from a really nice message like they love in school got stuck in i'm so relieved to see the back of him each morning um i do love him though honest if i'm truthful looking back i swanned into that test center telling anyone that would listen he's just a precaution he definitely doesn't have it rolling my eyes or what most likely be a common cold. So we were totally floored it came out positive.

I was like that when I had my appendix out. Went into the hotel. Not for corona. I don't think that's the treatment, is it? No, no. You can't be too sure these days. You can't be too safe. Went in to get my appendix out.

And I just thought, I've got a bit of a stomach thing. I'll just go in. Next thing you know, they're like, so you'll be staying in overnight to have your appendix taken out absolutely before I know it I don't get to do celebrity tipping point absolute heartbreak is that you got to pull out a tipping point last minute did you text Shepard directly I didn't text Shepard directly I did talk to him about it when I uh went on uh GMB promote something. However, Alex Booker replaced me and got beaten by Joey Essex. So that was a delightful.

Brilliant. It's almost worth having your appendix out. It was almost worth having my appendix out. If you've got to go under general anaesthetic for anything, it is in order for Alex Booker to be beaten by Joey Essex. Exactly. Exactly. Oh, dear.

Anyway, so this, Abby just said, yeah, he's all healthy back in school and her poor husband is a shielder. So her husband, Chris, had to shut himself away in the smallest room in the house,

use separate bathrooms, cook his own food and have no contact with us for two weeks. But thankfully, no further issues and we're in the clear again. I'll be honest with you,

it sounds like Chris has had an absolute blinder there. He's absolutely smashed it. But yeah, good on you, Finlay, and I hope you enjoy school. Corona free. Enjoy school,

corona free. Shall I tell you about my week on Tuesday's episode and shall we do some emails? Right, Joshua, have we got any emails from our lovely listeners? That's an interesting question,

Rob, because I haven't looked at these today, so there's going to be a slight moment when I'm tracing back which the good ones are. I've got a slight dog update while you're doing that. Give me a dog update.

My agent, Danny, you know Danny, came round the house at the weekend with his nine-week-old French bulldog puppy. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Very cute. Very cute. Lou is obsessed. So it's just adding fuel to the dog fire. Mate. That's awful. Well, I don't know why you're resisting it's like just so inevitable and i i just think get the dog now because then the sooner you get it the sooner it's dead i mean yeah you're right actually

that my issue is i just i'm kicking myself because i should have got it at the start of lockdown yeah then it'd be trained by now then it'd be trained by now yeah but I don't know if I don't know I spoke to you during lockdown I don't know if it was what you needed I don't know if you've misremembered your mental health during lockdown yeah I don't think I didn't need a human and dog shit all over my house just one animal one species yeah exactly I don't think you train them in the same way as well that would be a mix-up that you wouldn't want I did sort of train the two-year-old like a dog every time she did i don't know if i mentioned this every time she did a poo in the potty i gave her a haribo on the end of her nose yeah flat palm you've got to go flat she's got my jeans you can't take any chances can you okay rob what i'm going to do i'm going to give you

some names of emails all right oh this is a fun game that's a way a good way of doing it isn't it okay do you want bad naming cbb or ivf and agnes okay let's go let's go for bad naming i do love it i haven't read this oh god we're going in going in pure okay so this is from wendy izzard i'll keep this short as so many to read thank you wendy oh perfect wendy thank you the window i middle named uh we are not posh but my son oliver my middle name i gave him was barry barry barry straight after his granddad straight after birth in the height of emotions and hormones what the fuck I thinking? I've since told him he can change his middle name if he wants. So his name's

Oliver Barry Izzard. Oliver Barry Izzard. Yeah, that is a mouthful, isn't it? Middle names are always embarrassing and bad. That's kind of what they're there for, isn't it? What's your middle name?

Michael, which is just after my granddad who passed away just after I was born. Okay. So I always get that out quickly in case someone starts taking the piss and then it makes it awkward. No, but get that out quickly in case someone starts taking the piss

and then it makes it awkward. No, but Michael's, no one's going to take the piss out of Michael. But people will do it. You've just brought the mood down. Any middle name, people will, whatever it is. Or Anthony, Robert Anthony.

Yeah, people are Anthony. If you're called Anthony, that'd be completely normal. But why are you called Anthony? I've got no idea. My mum wanted to call me Robbie. Robbie? But then panicked last minute. Are you called Robert? Well, got no idea. My mum wanted to call me Robbie. Robbie? And then panicked last minute.

Are you called Robert? Well, yeah, I'm down as Robert, but no one has ever called me Robert. No. In my entire life. Of course not. Of course not. Never. You know, my mum also, my mum gave us names.

I think you're quite a good, I think Robbie would work for you. Robbie, yeah, I think I could pull off a Robbie. It's quite 90s, isn't it? Well, yeah. William from Fowler, essentially. Robbie Williams, Robbie Fowler, Robbie Beckett. Robbie Beckett. The thing is, though, like, you know, some people call me Bobby.

Bob, Bobby Beckett. Bobby Beckett does sound like a 70s entertainer. But my mum said, she went, well, I gave you all names that you could have on a building site or in an office. What I love is the skyscraping ambition. That's the thing. My mum was like they're almost definitely going to work on a building site so Dan Rob Joe or an office the thing an office is so vague it basically you haven't ruled out anything the office was a throwaway that was

the throwaway ambition that probably wasn't going to be realized so it was like you're almost certainly going to be a cab driver or work at a market or building site did you work on a building site no but i worked at a flower market and two of my brothers two of my other brothers are drivers one's a van driver one's a cab driver but then he worked at a market and then yeah and does work in an office and he's a comedy writer and then joe worked in an office doing sales but now he's trying to be a barber trying to be a barber joe beckett yeah joey b please follow him because it's he's down on instagram he's trying to be a barber. He's trying to be a barber? Joe Beckett? Yeah, Joey B. Please follow him because he's down on Instagram. He's basically, he was doing really well in sales. He worked for like big,

he went to TripAdvisor and stuff like that. And he always wanted to train as a barber, but he never really had the time or whatever. But then he got made redundant. He thought, right, I'm going to go for it. Amazing. But yeah, so he started his course today. So good luck, Joe.

I think he's down as the broccoli barber on uh instagram let me find out and then straight in what's that imagine if he gets 3 000 follows oh yeah he's down as at the broccoli barber he's got 113 followers let's get him up guys there's 20 000 people on our instagram following the parenting group and support someone who's made redundant i've gone straight in on follow back. You've gone in follow back straight in. So give him a follow and it'll put somebody being very redundant trying to do something new.

It's not a picture of barbering. Well yeah, he ain't started his cool show but he's quite funny actually as well. He's putting loads of funny scenes from films of people getting a haircut. And he's got two albums, one called Shops and one called Cuts. Oh yeah. I don't know. I mean, I thought we were too much on this, but yeah, give him a follow. He's already got 140.

Look, it's gone up. Oh, that was you. Yeah, that's you, live. You were saying, wow, this podcast is powerful. Anyway, names. So that's a middle name. Yeah, I think we've got to do worst middle name. Send in your worst middle names.

Yeah, send in your worst middle names. Did I ever tell you there was someone, I mean, this doesn't feel real, but it is true, apparently, in a nearby school. And his surname was Hares. Yeah. And his first name was Dickon.

Dickon Hares. So he was called Dickon Hares, like Dick and Hares. I remember at school once, when I was like 13, there were kids arguing arguing and then someone went oh shut up you've got a bald dick

right okay because when you're 13 pubes are a big real that's a real big deal and it's real real stock in trade pubes and he went

you've got a bald dick and the bloke went yeah of course sir if you don't get hairs on your dick you get them around your dick and on your balls and then the other guy

just went so red because he obviously had no hairs. And it was so brutal. And he was like That guy is waking up every morning looking at his penis, dreaming of it being hairy. Imagine if it was a bit horrible, like something that would slough some.

Completely bald, pubic hair, but a really hairy cart,like dog's tail. Oh, God. Oh, God. Sorry. Right, anyway, what's the other one? Whatever email you got there, Josh.

Okay. Do you want one on kids' parties, Rob? I'll have one on kids' parties, please. Right. I had my eldest a few years back. It was his seventh party and wanted it at LaserQuest. Not wanting to exclude any classmates, he invited all 24. Oh.

I booked it for 30. I mean, come on. 24 kids in LaserQuest. No, thank you. I booked it for 30, thinking that possibly a few dads would want to get involved to supervise. How wrong I was. Yes, the dads got involved, but in competition against each other. So, I had to supervise a party of 24 kids on my own.

What was worse, that there was another party of 20 kids going on at the same time. Oh, God. 44 children. Lasers everywhere. Needless to say, it was hellish. When each parent came back looking relaxed and calm, I realised I hate them all. My boy has the first party of the year. So I set the standard, which was also

very stressful. Now, though, I prepare. How stupid of me, thinking I could single-handedly run 24 kids between six and seven. Oh, my word. And then getting them all out and trying to sort out their lunch. Getting them around a table. Absolutely unacceptable. I'm not a fan of LaserQuest.

I think it's absolute bullshit, I should say that from the off. We did it. It was a big birthday thing when I was a kid. Yes, Quasar. We used to go to Quasar, which I think is the same thing. I just remember being really anxious and stressed and there'd be loads of smoke everywhere. Yeah, and because my hair, you know, when you're a kid,

your hair's much blonder. I'm sure your hair was very blonde when you were a kid. My hair used to, under the ultraviolet light, my hair would glow. So I was an absolute sitting duck. Me and my teeth as well. I didn't have a kid. My hair used to, under the ultraviolet light, my hair would glow. Yes. So I was an absolute sitting duck. Me and my teeth as well. I didn't have a chance.

It was like a big hole. Just this big set of teeth running around in the dark getting shot at. So let's be clear. When it comes to shipping internationally, can I provide trade documents electronically? Mm-hmm. The answer is FedEx.

Okay, but what about estimating duties and taxes on my shipments? How do I find all the... Also FedEx. Impressive. Is there a regulatory specialist I can ask about? FedEx. Oh, but let's say that... FedEx. What?

FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx. Where? FedEx. Thanks. No more questions. Always your answer for international shipping. FedEx, where now meets next. At Enterprise, we know you're constantly on the move. Getting this. Thanks, Mom. Fixing that.

You reach a destination. And then it's on to the next. And when life is moving at the speed of, well, life, Enterprise is right there with you, around the corner and around the globe. We'll keep you moving forward. Enterprise, for lives in drive. And my four-year-old's been invited to a Zoom birthday party,

but I don't know how that's going to work. I think it's just like an hour, and I think they're all going to go on party, but I don't know how that's going to work. I think it's just like an hour, and I think they're all going to go on Zoom, and I don't know what they're going to do, but I think they may have got like a, you know, sometimes they get like princesses to go to the house, but I think they might just be doing it on Zoom. They're just going to Zoom in a princess? Yeah, basically it's sort of like a corporate for a princess.

Do you think that's better or worse? I think it might actually be better on screen. And in the flesh, they'll get a bit scared, don't they? So maybe if you go, oh, look,

if they're dressed up as Elsa or something, you can be like, oh, it's Elsa. And then they sing. And they may watch that for a bit with their friends. And I think they just

find it funny seeing their mates on the screen. But I'll let you know how it goes. Let me know. Are you going to just be stood out of shot? Oh, yeah.

I don't feel I'm going to dominate the screen. I think it should be my child that's there. But I think she will literally just walk off after about two minutes. Because she'll probably just go, can't I just watch Frozen on the telly? Yeah, exactly. Why would you want to watch a tribute Frozen via a small square and a grid of children that don't give a shit?

We'll find out. I'll let you know how it goes. This is a great email, Rob. Go for it. It's called Names You Regret, and then subtitle, Alexa. Open brackets, includes Excel charts. Close brackets.

Okay. Your discussion about names reminded me about a time when I was in the park with my daughter, Thea. I heard her mum shout out, five-year-old kid, Alexa, put that down. My immediate thought was, oh boy, I bet you regret that name.

So I did some investigating. The Amazon Alexa was launched in the UK in September 2016. He's attached to a graph. Oh, I love it. He's got a graph. I love this guy. That year, as represented by a black line, we'll put this on the Instagram. There were 332 girls named Alexa.

In 2019, there were just 39. 39! In 2016, it was the 167th most popular name. In 2019, it was the 920th. Oh, my God. It's almost like Adolf levels of drop-off. Yeah. I mean, it would be a disastrous name to have.

I was watching a documentary on some... It was on BBC4. It was like one of those quite dry BBC4 documentaries about some period in history. And there was a historian who was about 60 and he was called Harry Potter. Oh, no! His whole life must just be destroyed.

Yeah, because it's that John Lewis guy on Twitter and stuff. Are there any other Josh Whittacombs? I don't think there are any other Josh Whittacombs. If there are, I mean, have you given a name that you regret because it's become a famous name? Yeah, imagine calling your kids Siri in like mid-naughties. But Alexa, these graphs, Rob, the name's popularity has fallen off a cliff

since the arrival of the Alexa. Is it like COVID during lockdown in like May? Just down, just dropping, dropping, dropping. Oh, I thought you meant the name COVID, which is really dropping. I mean, Corona. I still can't believe there's a beard called Corona. No, but you know, old publicity is good publicity. Here's the graphs, Rob. Oh, Corona. I still can't believe there's a beard called Corona. No, but you know, old publicity is good publicity.

Here's the graphs, Rob. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. It's like Wall Street in like 1908 or whatever it was. Yeah, you don't want to have invested in the name Alexa in 2015. No, it's gone, isn't it? Yeah, because it's very steady before then. Yeah, it was an absolute.

It was a steady number. It was 292 314 332 301 and then it falls through the floor it's like leeds in it after peter ridsdale yeah you know flying high exactly gone off the face they couldn't maintain it it may make a comeback once uh the little alexa stops but well one day that technology will be out of date and it feels like the person that invented Alexa, maybe their ex was called Alexa, and they just wanted to ruin their life in an ultimate...

Yeah, do you think it was Alex Turner? What an oblique reference that is. Yeah, well, Alex Turner, yeah, you're right, used to go out with Alexa Chung. Yeah. I don't think he invented the machine. I don't know how stressful the breakup was. So I can't confirm that, Josh.

No, I can't confirm it. If either of them want to come on to talk about it, I'm more than willing to. Pop it in the hat and see what happens. But it could have been the reason. But yeah, wow. Any name, we're always looking for graphs. Terrible middle names.

And also anyone who is named after someone famous and how it's impacted their life. Because it does, you know. Imagine being called like... Yeah, I mean, that's... Why did I go there first of all? That's one of the worst options you could have chosen. Sorry.

What we'll do, we'll bleep... It's quite fun, actually, if we bleep that name out because the reaction to it is so good and there's no way... There's no way as a listener that you would get which name he went for because it

is so off brand and it... Don't email in and guess but do feel free to tweet. We've got a Twitter account tweet us. No because we can't have those tweets all get reported. If that's some sort of true crime, we've got a Twitter account, tweet us, no because we can't have those tweets and all get reported

if that's some sort of true crime we've turned it into a true crime podcast now, exactly, people just requested episodes anyway, exactly, but yeah like you say, having some but what I would say about that name that you've just named is it's such a normal name that

loads of people are going to have that name well yeah, there's a Rob Beckett who's an artist, is there, yeah that's definitely It's such a normal name that loads of people are going to have that name. Well, yeah, there's a Rob Beckett who's an artist. Is there? Yeah, that's definitely not you. Oh, that's funny. Right. That was genuinely one of my favourite moments we've had.

I think listening to that will be both hilarious and very frustrating well can i just mention this year my friend runs a um uh like a business of sending out like it's a nail file business but he does all like sort of different things for feet it's quite weird sort of creams and stuff medical almost like an online pharmacy type thing he went i've got an order today from someone clearly trying to avoid being asked about his name um and he's called robert beckett and then he said he he wrote he had to ring him up about the order and i went hi is this rob beckett and he said no robert and he said in a tone that sent shivers down his spine he would rob beckett he would no robert very keen not to be associated with my uh brand no you don't

that's that's ruined his life. He did order a brace. A mouth guard. I don't want to take us back to the problem that was caused last week by the lack of bleeping. But my friend was working for a state agency and she had to ring someone and she was called Mrs... C-U-N-T, I'll spell it out.

That's what the word on the... So it said Mrs. C-U-N-T. Mrs. C-U-N-T. I'll spell it out. That's what the word on the thing. So it said Mrs. C-U-N-T. Mrs. C-U-N-T. Okay, go on. And she had to ring her up. I know what trunk was it. And she went, hello, is that Mrs. Q-N-T? Ah, yes, Q-N-T. is that Mrs. Cuente?

Yes, Cuente. And the woman went, it's c***s, dear. No! No way, really? Yeah, apparently. That can't be true. Apparently so.

That can't be someone's name. Well, there we go. Well, obviously we'll have to bleep what the woman said, but the woman said what you would expect her to say. Yes, okay, wow. So there we go. Well, obviously we'll have to bleep what the woman said, but the woman said what you would expect her to say. Yes. Okay. Wow.

So there you go. In the end, Rob, in about two weeks, our show's just going to be bleeps of product names and swear words and names of awful, awful people that I don't even want to say what his crime was. We need to get back on track. I think it's because our kids are in school that there's less for us to talk about. For them, we've gone down a really weird rabbit hole yeah talk of a rabbit hole i will be talking on tuesday about going to farm so you'll enjoy that

okay uh so this is from alex rawson so this is called school journey from hell okay so here is my submission as i believe i may be a contender for the longest journey to school. And if not the longest, then perhaps it will top the charts in regard to the volume of transportation types used. Admittedly, this was a journey I would do myself and my parents weren't having to tag along. But regardless, it was a mission. A mission is such a good term. It doesn't get you an absolute mission. I should preface this by saying I grew up in Hong Kong during my school years

and lived on a boat in a marina, as one does. My expedition... He sounds like a high-level prostitute. My expedition to school comprised of two boats, two bus rides, and would take approximately one and a half hours to complete. The adventure would commence daily at 6.30 when I would work up a sweat attempting to pull start a small dinghy in order to whizz the car.

I thought he meant ferry. A dinghy. How old is he? I don't know how old he is. I mean, in my head he's four. 6.30am, this little four-year-old is pulling start the dinghy. I'm hooked. In my head he's four. 6 a.m. This little four-year-old is pulsing like a dinghy. I'm hooked.

On said journey, I would be hoping and praying that I wouldn't get hit by a multitude of flying fish that we disturbed. A flying fish? Some days it felt like a scene from Life of Pi, whilst my siblings would use their school bags as tennis rackets at the front of the boat.

How many of them are there? They're tipped about the way from here to there. The helm of the vessel. The helm of the vessel. So this four-year-old's got his three siblings.

We don't know how old he is. He's got the two-year-old. He's got to drop the two-year-old off at preschool. So the two siblings at the front of the boat, using their bags as tennis rackets to hit the blind fish while he helms the vessel at the back. We would then jump on a small minibus down to the plaza where we'd catch our second boat of the day. A 30-minute ferry over to the mainland.

Oh, my God. This ferry was a blessing in disguise. It would inevitably be full of kids cramming whatever homework they hadn't yet completed the night before. Upon arrival into the city, a ferry full of kids would then file onto the school buses

to snake their way up a mountain to arrive at the school around 8am. Where's the mountain come from? Oh my Lord. They each arrive at school at 8am, which looking back now seems an excessively early start. Oh, the dinghy. Imagine that when it's in a storm.

Do they have... I don't know if they have... I don't know what the weather's like in Hong Kong. In Hong Kong. I'll find out. How cold does it get in winter? This is the question we've all been asking. It's pleasant and mild.

Oh, it's a shame. Yeah, quite mild winter, actually. 16 to 18 degrees. Sounds lovely. You know what? That'd be lovely on a dinghy. Like in a mild winter's morning. Yeah.

Quick dinghy, quick minibus, another ferry, then coach up a mountain. Lovely. I presume reversed the other way. That is one of my favourite emails we've ever had. If you want to get in touch with names, journeys, or anything related to what we've discussed, this is how. Email us, hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk

or tweet us at lockdownparents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff. P.O. Box seven, six, seven, four,

eight, London. E nine, nine D W. Thanks for listening. Oh, thank you very much. Don't forget to subscribe to this and review us and tell your friends about us and give my brother a follow on the broccoli barber.

Yeah. Yeah. That'd be nice. Wouldn't it? Anyway, thanks for listening. We'll see you on The Broccoli Barber. Yes. Yeah, that'd be nice, wouldn't it? Anyway, thanks for listening, and we'll see you on Tuesday. Cheers, bye.