Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP47: Doc Brown

Episode Date: October 6, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP47: Doc Brown AKA Ben Baily Smith Joining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is the brilliant rapper, comedian, actor, screenwriter and presenter - Doc Brown AKA Ben Bailey Smith. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Earn the points. Share the journey. With the TD Aeroplan Visa Infinite Card, earn up to 50,000 Aeroplan points. Conditions apply. Offer ends June 3, 2024. Visit tdaeroplan.com for details. This episode is brought to you by Tresemme. Want silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement? The Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection is your simple solution. This new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. Wave goodbye to Frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with the Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection.

Visit Tresemme.com to learn more. and smooth weightless collection. Visit Tresemme.com to learn more. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell, the show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. And Josh Whittakin. Josh Whittakin. There you go. That is George, who turned five in lockdown, and Arthur, who is two and a half. Oh, very nice.

I think they did it better than their mum. Yeah. She didn't deliver it with as much passion as I was hoping. No, but I didn't know whether that was... Sometimes when I talk to my kids, I talk to them like they talk. Do you ever do that? Yeah. And then you feel like, why am I saying that?

That's how I speak. I think I speak too loudly to my daughter. Like, I up my loudness. Why am I saying that? That's how I speak. I think I speak too loudly to my daughter. Like, I up my loudness. Why am I doing that? Do you do that? I suppose I'm kind of talking to a foreign person if I'm buying a coffee abroad. You know, that kind of terrible Brit abroad. Well, Lou always tells me I'm too loud.

Yeah. But I think she's too quiet. She's like middle class whispered quiet. Yeah. Oh, no, I don't want to put anyone out. You just, yeah's just that my foot's on fire could someone how are you rob good uh yeah i'm good you know not too bad uh the kids are behaving um they i'm quite excited about autumn i i like autumn it's the best i'm gonna

say it's the best season oh i like or spring i think spring i like that yeah the two transitional ones i enjoy them the best summer's too hot winter's too cold the anticipation of autumn like knowing christmas is coming getting a coat out the loft getting a coat out the bloody loft the leaves the first hot chocolate the first mulled wine this is how i started an abartridge promo premier league season has started i absolutely love it. I know. I know this ain't the podcast for it. Fucking hell, I love sport.

I love it. Love it. There's football on all day, every day. I don't want people to go back into the stadiums. I want to watch five games a day and just sit there and just get fat and be a big mess on the sofa like in Wally. That's all I want. I'm not going to lie.

I've hardly seen any of it. Why are you mentioning it? Where are your children, Rob? They get so tired in the week I want. I'm not going to lie. I've hardly seen any of it, but I've, I've, why are you watching it? Where are your children, Rob? They get so tired in the week from school. I just let them just, we just stay indoors at the weekend. Oh,

right. Yeah. Well, I was at, yeah, I was at a kind of farm. And then on Sunday, I,

I listened to the man city game while I cooked dinner. Really? Well, the way I get all my boxing and combat sports in is I offer Sunday morning to get up with the kids and I'll get up at like six and then say to Lou, I think I've said this before, you stay in bed, but then I can get all the boxing done early and just let them play in the other room. That's the advantage of two. My daughter, I'd say she's not the best independent play. No, they're not. They get bored. That's why it's quite handy having the other one. I did a test the other morning to see how long she could just do stuff without calling for me when we were in the kitchen. I was just drinking a cup of tea.

15 seconds. That's how long I lasted. I was trying to read an interview. Trying to read an interview with Gary Lineker in the paper. And over two hours, I failed to read the interview with Daryl Lineker. I just, I can't believe, I think, because I texted you, so we could talk about it.

I can't believe what people without kids do at weekends. Oh, mate. Did you see, it was Joel Domet's post. Him and his wife, Hannah, lovely couple. We love, Joel's a friend of ours. Lovely people, yeah. He went on a,

not a coffee making class right yeah it was yeah they went on a saturday morning to this place where they teach you how to do patterns on top of the coffee so it's not coffee making it's just how to move during a fucking you know yeah muscley arm or whatever it is joel wants to draw on top of a coffee yeah exactly so it was just showing them how to draw, if you want a picture or a smiley face or whatever, on the top of a coffee. But this is the time people have on their hands, right?

Yeah. I just don't have a moment when I'm not... I worked every evening and day last week. Yeah. And by Friday, I was a fucking mess. So I'm in a text group with my dad and my brother where we'll talk about Plymouth Argyle and other football, it turns out. Although it's really only for Plymouth Argyle,

but my dad really does watch too much Premier League football for the group. Just like my dad was watching, what even was the game? Like Spurs v Newcastle. Do you know how unlikely it is? I have to look at the fixture list and think in two weeks there's a fixture I want to watch and I have to do two weeks

of social manoeuvres to get myself in the position. I've just found out what it was. It was a latte art course. I mean, come on, mate. I don't think I've looked and appreciated what is on the top was a latte art course. I mean, come on, mate. I don't think I've looked and appreciated what is on the top of a coffee. No, of course not. From it being ready and me drinking it,

there's not enough time for me to look at the top of it. But also, do you know why Joel is drinking his coffee? He's drinking his coffee for pleasure, and he doesn't need it because he's had 11 hours sleep. You're making a coffee and you're having to mainline it because you've got up at 6am to watch boxing while your two children sit in the other room. Trying to convince myself that I'm the lucky one.

Yeah, yeah, trying to tell yourself that no one's got a love life. How shit is my life? Thanks, actually, Josh, thanks for bringing that up. How awful is my life that I think I've won this weekend by getting up at half five, six to have a coffee and watch boxing in the dark? Do you know what I do as well, Rob? I getting up at half five, six to have a coffee and watch boxing in the dark. Do you know what I do as well, Rob? I got up at 5.50 on Friday

because she's potty training at the moment. Well, she's kind of potty trained, but she's going through it, right? Yeah. And that really messes up the sleep. So her sleep's gone to shit. And they've told us at nursery that that will mess up the sleep for a couple of weeks.

Why is it messing up the sleep the potty training i think it's because they are um concentrating on not doing a wee at night and stuff like that but you've got nappy on in the evening have they not yeah i know but apparently it's a very regular thing they're not as relaxed blah blah blah so i was up at 5 50 and i was sat there watching the fucking clangers, trying to get my phone at an angle where my body was masking it enough where I could look at it without feeling guilt. And I was just trying to convince myself that actually it's great that she's got up this early because we get a lot of one-on-one time that we wouldn't get otherwise.

And I'm thinking, what am I doing? Well, yeah, it's not one-on-one time. It's a three-way with the clangers. It's a three-way with the clangers it's a three-way with the clangers which is a you know it's a very specialist website if you've ever been on it so we went to a farm this weekend rob yep so first thing walk in very nice very nice walk in first sign you think oh look what's in this first i'll just read it to you sad news news. It starts sad news. Oh no. It's with great sadness that we've had Einstein put to sleep.

He was an old otter that developed a few health problems. Then there's a photo of Einstein. Otters are territorial so introducing another otter to keep Darwin company is not an easy thing. It would have to be female and then they may not get on. Darwin is currently happy and showing no signs of depression.

We will monitor his behaviour over the coming weeks. How do you know if a otter's depressed? It keeps ordering dominoes. He's listening to Bon Iver for the tenth time that day. He's just got Radiohead on loop in his little cave while they're sleeping. That was the opening thing I saw. Also as well,

who is going to this farm that regularly to be like, where's the other otter? Well, exactly. I mean, surely just move over it. And then if anyone asks, because really, if you're that bothered, you'll ask. Yeah.

You don't need to get new people to know there's someone. Where's mine? I wouldn't, at my house, have a sign on the front, as anyone comes in with sad news, the man that you see live had died. You've got to move on at some point, haven't you?

Yeah, you can't do that. It's too bleak a news to start off with. Just wait for someone to ask. Just put in two different otters that are friends, that look like the original otters, and you're fine. Anyway, it was a bleak start to the farm. Have you ever fed a cow? I've never fed a cow, Rob.

I'm presuming you have, otherwise this is a real conversational cold attack. Their tongues are mental. Oh, yeah, they do have a big old tongue, don't they? You can look... Oh, mate, the kids love a cow's tongue. It's so funny. You can put the food on a fence post and they just lick it off.

They put their tongue out really far. You can throw a bit of carrot in their mouth. It's a really fine. You can throw a bit of carrot in their mouth. It's a great laugh. You can put a bit of carrot in their mouth. Yeah. So this one, we go to this farm in Bromley. Yeah.

When Down is, Down in Kent, called Christmas Tree Farm. You can just like launch a bit of carrot in its mouth. It loves it. I'll tell you what I'll do is I'll send you a picture of a cow's tongue and then we'll stick it on Instagram. And if kids love it,

mate. But was it all right apart from that then, though, cow tongue? It was fine. Yeah, you know, it's a farm at the end of the day. Did you enjoy it? Are you all right, John? You've been working too much. No, no, at the end of the day, a farm is just a farm, isn't it?

It's not a zoo. I know it's not a zoo. I'm just saying, though, you said you worked every day and night last week. You seem a little bit stressed. So tired. So what's your sleeping pattern like at the moment, then, if you're working day and night? Well, when I work in the evenings, I am...

Oh, that's a big tongue you've just sent me, Rob. It's a big tongue, isn't it? That's a big old tongue, isn't it? Their mouths are mental, cows. Yeah. It's great fun. Did you just Google the words cow's tongue i've got a couple of bookmarks

i love to i love to deliver into the news of how much fun a cow's tongue is i've sent you another one it always looks like an alien oh wow that i don't like that one that's creepy i'll put them both on the instagram group so you can have a look. If you haven't listened to the episode, it's going to be a strange turn of events on the Instagram. Yeah, so that's it. No, I'm just... So you're just burnt out, are you, Josh? Just completely burnt out.

Oh, Josh. It's going to be all right, mate. Yeah, it'll be fine. We will do your emails on Friday. If you've got any, this is how to get in touch. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdown parents or instagram lockdown underscore parenting and you can also send us stuff p.o box 76748 london e99dw all right josh who we got this week uh well that is a difficult

question it's either ben bailey smith or doc brown we should explain that his kind of stage All right, Josh, who have we got this week? Well, that is a difficult question. It's either Ben Bailey-Smith or Doc Brown. We should explain that his kind of stage name and his name when he was a rapper was Doc Brown, but he also goes by his actual name, which is Ben Bailey-Smith. Yes, so he was a rapper for Mark Ronson as Doc Brown, did comedy as Doc Brown, but now he writes and acts as Ben Bailey Smith. So throughout, it's not that we're getting his name wrong. It's just that we're switching

between the two because we're unprofessional. We panicked. You went Doc, I went Ben. Yeah. Anyway, it's a great interview if you can get past that. Hello, Doc Brown, aka Ben Bailey Smith. How's it going? Very well. Very well. How are you guys? It's been a minute. It's lovely to talk to you in a formal setting as opposed to when we're setting up our mics. Rob's very excited because he was a big fan of Des. Oh yeah, that Des show was great. You was

in Des, weren't you, as a copper? I was, yeah. I mean, it was a bittersweet experience watching it because they cut so many of my scenes that by the time you actually met me it was like oh right there seemed to be a lot of familiarity around this dude but he's just yeah because I thought that because first of all I saw you carry it like you because you're carrying like a bin liner of like body parts and I'm like that's where it's still brown it's Ben isn't it like that I thought I was like Ben's amazing actually be like do more than then using it properly later on but when he was chatting to you later on it did feel like you were like best mates and I was like it's the first time the bloke with the bag

spoken exactly so as you can imagine for for mums that's a terrible thing right because my mum was like oh I thought you you know I thought it just seemed like you were an extra, you know, is that your, oh, okay. You know how mums are, they never get it. They're just like, oh, so it was like a little sort of walk-on thing. No, it fucking wasn't. Yeah, that was the actual part. I don't know, but they just cut it back, all right? So like I say, it's bittersweet because I also think it's the best thing

I've ever been on. Well, I would dispute that, Doc doc because i want to talk to you about reading the story on cbb's oh no there's a story behind that as well i've seen it story like that josh because the thing is like obviously this is a parent in pod it's interesting now because you know my peers my comic peers such as you two boys you know you're starting to have kids now you know which is exactly the same as in my friend group all my friends are having kids now whereas i was a young dad i remember when we started i already had kids right yeah yeah what's your kids set up um ben what's what and how old was you when you had kids for the for the listeners

uh i was 26 so if you can imagine having kids at 26, I mean, that's, you know, in the old days, that wouldn't have been old, right? Like in our parents era. But in our era, that's kind of young. Because I was 30 and that was still quite young. Yeah, that's still quite young. It was a complete head fuck, man. I was like, not ready at all. But then the same time, you're never ready, are you?

So you just sort of find a way. I think the tricky thing for me was that, you know, I was a youth worker. My first daughter was born. I had no, I mean, when I, when I, when I was little, I wanted to be in show business, but, but, you know, by the time I become a young man, I just thought it just, it's not, it's like a dream. Do you know what I mean? It's a pipe dream. Now I've got a kid, you just got to be sensible, do your job. so the first couple of years of my uh eldest who's you know she's 15 this year I mean crazy um wow yeah so the first couple of years of her I was just like I've got two girls but the first two years of her I was just doing youth work you know and then I'd started working with this comedian

and helping out and stuff and I I wound up in comedy and I was doing stand-up when the second one was born so I had a baby and a toddler when I would have met you guys you know like talking to 2008 2009 and in 2010 I had a baby and a toddler so it was intense and you know how it is when you're starting out I lived out a suitcase I was just not a yeah I was not about and it was I have to say it was really really really difficult it was because when when you start on the open mic circuit you literally gig five nights a week and you're driving to the middle of nowhere for no money so the thought of trying to do that with tiny kids at home I mean I just don't know how you did it it was a struggle for me as like

a single bloke rough I was in all the competitions doing the open mics. And then the rest of the time I was just driving funnier comics around like Carl Donnelly. I used to drive Carl Donnelly everywhere. Cause I had a car. Do you know what I mean? I had a car. You'd get like the bookers like off the curb or,

or like, uh, uh, Christian Knowles, people like that. They'd be in touch and feel, like it's happening. It's happening. They'd be in touch and feel, oh, like it's happening. It's happening.

They'd be like, yeah, can you drive Carl Donnelly to Stafford and back? Because there's a middle spot with your name on it, baby. You're going to be huge. And were you driving him in a car that had a child seat in the back? Yeah, definitely. It would have been my old, it would have, them times it would have been my VW Golf and in 2010 I started to get a bit gassed because 2000 I don't you I don't you guys remember but like without blowing my own trumpet like there was just a year where I just

suddenly just got bookings up the arse I was I had money and I bought um an audi a4 and that was just like with the black one with the leather interior black uh cream leather cream leather interior and i just felt like an absolute boss in my council flat with the audi a4 it's a classic it's a classic mom's car isn't it the old audi a4 that's what you're talking about that was a beast. What are you on about? That was a beast. 2.0. I used to hide the baby seat. So I still look like a G. We all have the power to shape the world.

We're connected to the world. We share to each other. I am future. I wait in the world of Echo. Discover the extraordinary with Echo, the spectacular new show by Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th under the Big Top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. The world is yours to create.

Echo thanks its presenting partners Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and MasterCard. What's better than getting a small premium roast coffee and your favorite McMuffin? Getting a small premium roast coffee and your favorite McMuffin for only $4 plus tax for a limited time only at McDonald's. Exclude Egg BLT McMuffin at participating McDonald's in Canada prices exclude delivery. Let's go back to this CBB story. Oh yeah, sorry.

So obviously you have kids and your focus changes right you know when you used to look at google images of of like fit actresses or like an actor that you rated or a comedian or whatever and you'd always see that google image result of of them at the premiere of some kids movie with their kids and you think actually that's pretty cool isn't it? Like one day, like, but you can't imagine you doing it. And then when you have kids,

you, you start thinking about, you stop thinking about adult content all the time. You realize everything you do is, has an adult content and you think, well, it'd be quite cool to have something that my kids could enjoy. So,

um, you know, obviously they were little, they'd watch the CBBs bedtime stories. And I thought, I know people at CBBC. I don't know anyone at CBeebies, but it can't be that much of a leap. I must be able to stick my nose in there. I started making calls and I got in touch with the commissioner at CBeebies.

And she was like, join the fucking queue, mate. Judi Dench is waiting to do this. I thought they'd just snap my hand off yeah i thought they'd just be like oh my god yeah brilliant like get in there do something for the kids so i actually waited years to get on the cbb and by the yeah by the time i got on it my kids too old to care they didn't watch cbb's anymore it was kind of it was kind of fruitless but the other story to it was that i thought they shot it in london but they shot it in manchester i think see children's tv had moved up there and yeah you know manchester for me was always like if i'm going manchester

because i've got two of my best friends live up there it's always a reunion you get on it you know you know those guys that you know where it's like if you meet them you're getting on it so i meet up with my friends sy and matt and obviously we get on it but i ended up having an all-nighter and i hadn't looked at the call sheet so i was just thinking i'll be afternoon or whatever you know when your phone rings in the hotel not your mobile the hotel room phone you know there's a problem if your hotel phone rings. And it was like the third time. And the reception was like, there's a driver waiting here for you downstairs. You've got to come down.

It was like frantic. I was like, oh, my God. I was fully clothed, just passed out on my bed. And I just got up fully clothed and just went downstairs, got in the car. And within like, because it was the holiday inn at in media city so it was like two minutes away so within within five minutes i was sat in a room with um kerry and this other dude alex who were like the people that babysat my kids while i was doing comedy and that was early so i was just tripping out i hadn't slept and with the cbbs guys and they're just they're

just caking makeup on my face i like smelling salts trying to make my eyes look you must have stank as well oh mate i was i was just i was just so not how i planned to you know prepare for my voice was going did they know you'd been out? I think I probably told someone, probably told the makeup assistant or something, but, oh mate, I was a mess and I was just really annoyed. But then, you know,

people would hit me up online and say, oh, my kids love this telling, or they love that telling of the book. So I think I got away with it. The most emotional they've ever seen, because you were crying throughout, weren't you?

No one's ever seen someone deliberate looking so despairing. I felt awful. Eating the kebab was a bit much oh i can't wait to watch that now knowing yeah knowing knowing behind the curtain and you've also done a children's picture book as well that you're really ticking the boxes to get to you know win over your children with the uh with your output yeah and what i've learned is and what you will learn is that um you're the king now but that just lessens they eat away at every day until you get to the point now where both my kids are so embarrassed of everything

that i do unless i'm like like every now and again they'll go do you know so and so so at the moment the only claim to fame i have which you guys will have in the future is that i know dominic holland do you mean from the circuit yeah because dom's son is spider-man yeah so that's that's one of the only things really that my kids are like oh my god you know you you're you're one away from spider-man i'm like actually i remember spider-man from i think maybe it was best of all you know one of those festival gigs where you see the older comics with their kids you know i was like yeah i remember him i remember him side of the stage and they're like what that's like the best i'm like i'm doing movies tv shows i've worked with some of the greatest comics in well the greatest comics in the uk and they're just like don't give a shit mate

don't give a shit you know spider-man's dad and what's it like for now because they're teenagers is it just they just want to avoid your all-cost type of vibe yeah and it's extra difficult because bizarrely i am quite popular with like it's my older daughter's age group like with sort of 14 15 16 year olds they just love loads of stuff that i've done or they grew up on my children's show that I did for CBBC. So it's always been quite problematic going to her school because kids get weird when I'm around. So it's another reason that she doesn't, she doesn't like me.

Oh really? Yeah. So when you was doing the school drop off, you was doing the kids TV show. It was Bedlam. When she was in year seven, it was, it was actually Bedlam. There was one day she went to a school. It was the hardest night. The older, tv show it was bedlam when she was in year seven it was it was actually

bedlam there was one day she went to a school it's not the older yeah it was man the older one she went to um a secondary school that none of her friends from primary school went to right so i as you get you get anxious as a dad right so i would be like trying to find out is anybody is there anybody i know who's got a kid that age i might be going to same school i can introduce them and whatnot and i did a show with these djs these female two female djs and i was just chatting about all my kids going to secondary school this this this september i'm really like prang about it and they said what school and i told them they were like oh i've got a friend her daughter's going to that school and i was like what hooked me up so i did that like parent date thing where you go meet a parent

and we went to get pizza with the girls, with her girl and my girl, and they hit it off. So it really took a lot of anxiety away. But then on her, it wasn't her first day, but in that first week, I went to meet her. This is three years ago. I went to meet her outside. It would be nice to meet her.

And I bumped into that parent. So I'm chatting to this woman and as i'm chatting there's kids freaking out around me and then it becomes like it goes from a trickle to like 10 kids to 15 to like 30 then to like 50 and people are demanding photos and they want me to like wrap into the phone and all this business. And this woman's just standing there watching. And as it died down, she was like, is there something about you? I don't know. Because I'd never told her.

I'd never told her anything of what I did, you know. So, yeah, like that's embarrassing, I think, for a kid that's trying to establish themselves. Yeah. And that's been a constant battle. And now my little one has started secondary school this month. So it's another new school that I have to deal with. I just haven't gone. I haven't gone in.

Do you reckon it was more so because of the kids' TV stuff you did? Yeah, yeah, 100%. It's like the kids' TV stuff and all the old raps that are online, you know, like the Russell Howard shit, that stuff. Like kids pass that stuff around. You don't think they watch the So You Think You're Funny 2008 fight? I check the hits every day.

I check the hits. Yeah, it's weird. Do you, like, with a 15-year-old, so she's back at school now presumably but during lockdown and stuff we is she keeping to herself because we spoke to katherine ryan and like her teenage is basically living her own life and same carrie godleyman under the same roof yeah like katherine and and and carrie are great examples because i've spoken to over the years i've spoken to them loads about this because they were two of the only comics that I knew who had kids around my

age, you know? So we've always talked about stuff like that. And yeah, lockdown was weird. Cause I think I was probably more worried about her than she was about herself and her own life. Do you know what I mean?

I'd always be like, make sure you're talking to your friends online. Do you know what I mean? Make sure you're, you're getting in that WhatsApp group and having a chat, keeping, keeping connected. She was like, listen like listen i'm fine and she was actually absolutely fine i think it's more i think lockdown was probably more complicated for

for parents just like because we're anxious anyway yeah i mean just freak out start freaking about freaking out about everything did you do homeschooling i didn't really need to because i've got girls like my friends who've got boys it's like a fucking nightmare man like trying to get them to concentrate for like an hour on schoolwork when they're not in school whereas girls love a talk they love a task they love a sit down task young girls that's why they're so far ahead of us educationally because they actually they're wired differently in the way that, in terms of concentration. I don't think girls are smarter than boys or boys are smarter than girls. All that's totally equal.

But the energy, the difference in that testosterone is so profound, I think. Living in a house of, so you had one girl. I got two girls, yeah. Yeah, and then you had the second. Were you like, oh, great, a house of two girls and me, which is your situation as well, Rob. You got two girls, yeah. Yeah, and then you had the second. Were you like, oh, great, a house of two girls and me, which is your situation as well, Rob. You've got two girls, Rob. Yeah, I've got two girls, yeah. Do you find yourself outnumbered?

Yeah, yeah. Lou started calling it the fanny club, and they all shout, you're not in the fanny club at me, which I think is quite brutal. That is. That's insane, isn't it? It would be a big decision for you to join the Fanny Club. Yeah, I know.

Imagine that. What a tour show that would be. But I find that because I've got four brothers and there was loads of boys and cousins of boys. So I actually found it really refreshing to have girls in the house. And your mum must have been over the moon. Yeah. So she's been desperate to buy a doll from a market for my kid which she did and has been putting a draw since hopefully she won't

listen to this uh but she bought literally what i thought was like six weeks old she bought a doll that was like three foot tall i was like she's got about eight years until she could play with that but yeah so she was desperate for it and and for me i just i found it nice to having girls rather than just like all all boys and and it's weird some blokes a bit like oh when you're going for the boy then i was like i'm really not bothered yeah but i don't i'm just i'm happy with girls totally i've got no inclinations i've got to have a boy i mean if people do that's fine but i really don't know i mean i used to some men are obsessed by it yeah i used to when i when i found out that we were going to have another kid i really i can't, I really wanted it to be a boy,

just to even it up. But it's so funny the way it's worked out in that the younger one, she is like my sort of surrogate son. Do you know what I mean? She's way more of a tomboy. She watches football with me and we're able to talk about stats

and individual players. Do you know what I mean? Which is is just like that's the dream bro that's what you want it's not about agenda you just want someone to watch football with you dream like she was like we watched we watched we watched palace everton the other day and she was like look if you refresh the bbc football um table on on the website uh mid game we're joint top of the league with Everton. She's like, as long as the score stays the same, we're joint top. She's like, I've never seen it in my lifetime. I was like, actually, that is quite a

profound moment for a Palace fan. So, do they get on, Doc? Because obviously, I always think this is weird, like when you get, because I've got one kid and all you can see in them is kind of how they're an obvious kind of amalgamation. Yeah.

They're like half you and half your partner. Yeah. And then when the second one comes along, people are always like, there's such different characters. And I'm like, do they get on or they? I think it's all kind of biological.

So the, the second child will be completely, almost seem completely the opposite. And that's not an accident because the second child, biologically, every animal is focused on survival. So the second child in a human family is just trying to establish who they are, what their character is. So they just find something that's not like any other member of the family so that they're able to stand out and basically survive and thrive. So they are like chalk and cheese, my two, but that's kind of why they get on. They really compliment each other.

Like, so one gives something, it gives the other one something that they don't have. Do you know what I mean? So like my, my older one's super, super organized and the little one's like totally the opposite but then being totally the opposite the little one

has got a more of a kind of what would you call it like just a freewheeling positive outlook on life whereas the old one because she's so organized and so focused on everything being right will get more upset when things don't go right. Do you know what I mean? Whereas the little one's more relaxed when things don't go right. So they really complement each other because they both need both of those attributes.

You know what I mean? Of course, yeah. And that's how it works. And you'll find the same, Josh, when you have your second. That's just how they develop. It's fascinating to watch. And what I've learned, I guess,

is I used to always look at the kids just like you do. It's like, it's half my missus, half me. Then as half me then as they get older you realize no no i've got the equation all wrong it's a third your missus a third you and the third is something i should probably actually 20 your missus 20 you and then 60 is just this new being and that's when you really start to build the respect for them because i think i think when they're really little you don't really respect them like mate i wake your ass like i clean you around in a wheeled throne like i don't respect you i just work for you you know yeah doesn't mean i have to respect you are you a strict parent doc i imagine you've been quite

chilled and sort of like calm with it i can't imagine you like i'm i think i'm both like i'm definitely chilled i definitely try and get in i engage with them and i don't want to not get what they're talking about you know i recognize that there's some things i just have to let go like tiktok's huge and i i yeah so like my approach tiktok is i just need to make sure it's safe without like killing their vibe, you know. But it's hard to keep it safe, that algorithm stuff of it. Of course. Yeah, the algorithm is mad at TikTok.

Are you on TikTok? Because it seems like that'd be a great thing for you. Yeah, and you know what? Like various people in my little team have said the same thing. But like, you know, when you've just got like the social kind the social media sort of uh uh lethargy like i've just i've just got to that point where like i don't even do facebook or twitter anymore i just i just got instagram and that's it and it's mainly because i i find it draining i find it like pressure you know that feeling where you've got a gig

tonight and you don't really want to do it but you have to do it that's kind of how i feel about the socials it's like i should post something humorous show people that i'm busy you know there's a pressure for kids to do that we do that because it's our job but they feel like that's all i haven't got any likes for a bit i've got to do something and i just don't i can't i just can't get my head around how much pressure there is on totally school kids to have a good output on content i can't imagine how bad big time can you imagine growing up with it josh and also the thought of reading my tweets if you said here's a list of the tweets you'd have sent between the age of 13 and 18 i'd rather gouge my eyes out than read that kind of shit. I know 30 year olds. Now I've got 30 year old friends who periodically delete,

like they go back into their accounts and just delete all the shit they were saying when they were like 25. Do you know what I mean? Cause they find it so cringy. Well, also time moves on, doesn't it? Like what was,

what was, can be socially acceptable 10 years ago to now, it's mad, isn't it? And out of context can look terrible and you can lose your job. Yeah, you can lose your job. People lose their job over Twitter. I think that was part of the reason I just quit it a few years back. I remember like there was one tweet,

and I think it's probably the last thing that really made me laugh on Twitter before I left, where it said like people speculating about how they were going to defeat Thanos in Endgame. And someone just tweeted, like, Avengers are going to defeat Thanos by going back to his tweets from 2013. And I thought, that's it, man. That's the world we're in now. I'm out. Anyone can be taken down. Yeah.

I'm going to get drunk and say something dumb. I just can't do it because we know how we are in our soul, especially as comedians. We're not, we're not mean people. We're just trying to find things that will make people gasp and laugh at this in equal measure, you know,

because like the element of surprise is such a huge part of just great laughs. Yeah. Do you look at the social media of your daughters? Yeah. And I stay on top of, I mean, obviously I follow them, but like I stay on top of like just what their status is. So like we have an agreement, like you're on TikTok, you're on Instagram, it's private, right?

That's rule number one. You have a private account. And I have, you know, I've got my public Instagram account, but I have a private account and i have you know i've got my public instagram account but i have a private one as well which is just for my friends so i can post boring stuff about my kids and i don't post my kids on my public account because i just don't want to yeah i just don't you know how it is i don't want to throw them under the i don't want people saying oh your kid's ugly or oh your your kid's mean to my kid or whatever it is i don't want to have those discussions with people that i don't know yeah so i've got a private

account and uh and that's how i sort of your private account right yeah so they don't really post they don't really post they just sort of they're on there to stalk you know they just look they follow celebrities that's what kids do yeah. Yeah. And I get scared when I see kids that are in their year, that are posting in their bikinis, public accounts. Some of them have got their fucking number. You can just click message and it gives you their phone number. Bloody hell. Oh, my God.

Do you know what I mean? And I'm like, that is insane. Yeah. That's insane. And a public account and you're a 14, 15-year-old girl. And in the makeup and in the bikini you look 18, 19 and you've got your phone number those filters are mad

you can look so much older and it's just awful so that's the terrifying side of it at the same time like I say it's not that terrifying when you consider I've got this far and I'm a relatively irresponsible person. If you just keep talking, you'll find that it's fine.

Like my kids always feel that they can come to me. And now like with periods and stuff, I mean, I'm not great in talking about the details, but it's amazing how that we are able to talk about that stuff. And I think it's because i've just made myself available that's the key you can't be their friend you can't be their bestie that's forget that but you can be emotionally available i can't imagine i haven't got sisters but i can't imagine my dad if i had a sister talking to her about a period like back in the 80s or 90s it just it wouldn't happen would it was just something that wasn't spoken about. It was sort of like, it felt like shame to talk about it.

I think my dad would have like shoved a pick fork into his foot and made it seem like it was a horrific gardening accident just so he could get the fuck out of there. With the 15-year-old, have you spoken to her about, you know, like drinking or relationships or going out and about? Because it's getting to, at the moment, obviously, with lockdown you can't as much. But she's only like, you know, a year or two away from going out

and socialising. We've talked about sex. I wouldn't say we've talked about drinking. And I think that's because me and my missus, I mean, we drink a lot. I think they look at it and it's like ew have you seen what dad says when he's had like seven of these it's so embarrassing so they kind of i think they'll kind of like it's there it's not like taboo do you mean it's not like you know if you're in a family where drinking is strictly off the limits you the parents only drink at Christmas or whatever it is,

then maybe the kids are going to be way more like, ooh, drinking. But then who knows? My parents were drinkers and the first booze I had was stuff that I'd stolen from my parents. I think it being normalised is really useful. So it's not feeling like your first drink is like some illicit thing that you've had to get an ID and all that.

You know, I remember like trying beer and I remember having a hooch and like at home. Hooch. Now I'm talking your language. And it just means it's normalized. I mean, some people might look at the way i have drunk to excess in the last 20 years and say maybe i am not the right person to talk about it

yeah i wouldn't put you forward to like lead the discussion chip in at the end and then what have you how have you spoken about the sex thing what how do you approach that subject yeah you know i thought it would be impossible and really cringy but actually they've really helped you know and also like you find just obviously being online sex is everywhere it's it's it's sort of in or underneath everything that you see online yeah so it's sort of come up in conversation they've made it easier in a way you know they'll be saying like, whatever that this, this Tik TOK or this Instagram celebrity or whatever is going out with this person or she was pregnant.

They broke up because she cheated with her, whatever it is, you sort of get into the conversation that way in a way that doesn't feel like judgy on you or us, or like we're talking about sex in, in the wild, in the wild world basically out there in the world and that's kind of made it easier and we do talk about it pretty frankly and it's it's i'm glad we did it because i never had that conversation that conversation was never had

in my house oh no i'm panicking even thinking about talking about sex with my mom already it's making me cringe do you know what i mean it just wasn't something that was done i can't imagine you having that chat with your daughters though, Rob. Like, that's, like you're too matter of fact. It's weird because you want

to be cool about it but you don't want to be that dad who's like, hey girls. You don't want to be that dad. I guess it's important with daughters. Yeah, it is just bodies.

It's important with daughters. It's one of the worst openings. It's just bodies, guys. It's just bodies rubbing in a way, isn't it? Isn't that right, Lou? Lou, you tell them. Bye!

I suppose the darker side of it is the sort of sexual harassment, sexual violence side, right? Because boys, you know, it does happen, but it's much, much rarer, right? Boys, you've got to get them ready to get beaten up or mugged or something like that. Someone's going to try you on the street at some point. is this is what you should try and do you know just run really fast you know with girls you sort of got to explain okay look like there are guys who are

looking at you like food right there those guys those guys exist you know from from all the way up to like sexual predators to just down to like just like horny guys on the street you know yeah so that's that's the conversation you're kind you kind of have to have yeah it's just as a wall you've got a teenager you can't just like throw them to the walls yeah you've got to say like i'll go to the shops good luck it's the shopping on your own of your mate. Good luck. And, and,

and, and again, again, girls are just brilliant because their emotional intelligence is so high or so much higher than boys that they, they sense, they sense like things, things around safety. So like they already go to toilet in like pairs.

They, they call, they text each other when they go, when they go out, they go Westfield or whatever it is. When they text each other, make sure the other one's got home. They text each other. When they go out, they go Westfield or whatever it is, they text each other, make sure the other one's got home. They're already doing that shit. I have never

ever sent that text or made that call to a boy or a man in my entire life. You ever think, if the police came round and say, Rob, Josh Whittacombe's been found face down, Hampstead Heath, trousers around his ankles, you think, he was fine when I left him in the pub.

What a wanker. What's he done on the way home? Normally he just undoes a zip, not the whole down. This next episode is going to get the best figures yet. This is going to be an absolute win. Do you find that your daughters sort of nag you and tell you off a little bit and sort of almost act like your pair?

All the time. All the time. All the time. So before it was when, like, with smoking, they had such a go at me about that, I had to quit. With stuff like playing my music too loud. Oh, it's mad. There's loads of things I would go about that.

Were you secretly smoking when they're telling you to quit? Are you like a teenager and to go for a gasp? Yeah, I was. Exactly that. And then you're transported back to being a teenager. You're getting polos and the polos aren't strong enough so you get the extra strong mints. You get into the house,

go straight to the bathroom, like, splash your face with water or even better, have a shower. You know, Listerine, the whole nine and they're still like, where have you been? Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge

to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca.

That's sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Oh no, I can't be out of ink. Not now. Mega tank. Why do I do this to myself? Ah, what's that printer that comes with 30 times the ink? Mega tank. Yes, it's a Canon. Mega phone? Mega tank.

It's a Canon printer. It comes with like two grand worth of ink. Prints me over 7,700 color pages. Mega tank. It's a Canon printer. It comes with like two grand worth of ink. Prints me over 7,700 color pages. Mega Tank. Mega what? Listen to the voice in your head and get a Canon Mega Tank printer so you don't have to think about ink for a long, long time. Visit canon.ca slash megatank for details. Do you ever have disagreements with your missus about what like, you know,

if you're being too harsh of them or being too relaxed and stuff like that is there anything that's sort of been a sticking point uh yeah i'd say both ways that that happens that happens a lot i think most of the time if you can even if you and your missus are at loggerheads you've got to try and present a united front yeah because if one of you appears to be the soft touch or one of you appears to be the cool parent, both parents will lose. You're both going to lose. Do you know what I mean? Because it's going to create resentment between you two or it's going to create imbalance within the family unit. So you've got to sort of back each other all the time.

And then behind closed doors, you go, I disagree with that. Yeah, you can't do it in front of the kids. Yeah, we fought about what type of schools to go to, what they should and shouldn't be allowed to do. We argue about social media all the time. And I'm like, there's certain things where I feel like, okay, we'll present a united front, but behind closed doors, I'm like, I actually know a bit more about this than you,

and vice versa with other stuff. I i'll be like you know what i have to like bow down you know this shit better than me so we'll go your way on it but if you have those conversations in front of them they're like ah no one's steering this ship yeah got a free ride you know but it is this is a scary thought right because you remember when you first clocked out about your parents oh my god they're not superheroes yeah they're just like lame humans trying their best and failing yeah you know i want a way to put it but it's like all of us like all of us and it's you really feel it profoundly when you have kids you you it makes you want to pick up the phone and go dad i'm sorry i'm such

a dick man this is hard yeah this is hard i get it now i get it i get why it wasn't working out for you like perfectly you know you go to your therapist and you're like can i take back every one of the last seven years because i don't think it was all my parents fault i think i'm just a dick do you feel like your music's a big thing for you, Doc, obviously. I like, were you,

are they into the same music as you? Are you, are you sharing that with them? Were you like, really like, you must've been really hoping that would be a kind of bonding thing, right? Definitely.

And I still do. I mean, me and my wife have pushed a good music on them from the start. And it's had, I would say, mild to decent success, like mild to average. Yeah.

Because at the end of the day, you can't stop kids from listening to pop music. Like music that is now is for kids. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So whatever is now, if you're like 15, 16,

that's your music and everyone older has to sort of try and work out why it's good but it just speaks to them so even though it might seem unlistenable to us to them it's like it's like it's it's like with like a dog whistle do you mean like there's a different it's a different kind of creature can hear it and we just can't hear it in the same way find yourself trying to get into it yes and some stuff i do some stuff i'm like whoa actually this the production on this is insane like the song that they loved a few months back actually start of lockdown was the um say so tune doja cat and the um uh the jewel lipa tune um if you don't want to see me dancing with somebody

and listening to the production on those songs, I was like, it's incredible. We play it loud in the kitchen. We all have a little dance around. But on the whole, I would say we've managed to sort of wheedle in some good stuff here and there. They both like the Beatles. Do you know what I mean?

They both like some of the old indie that I used to like. They both like a bit of UK Garage from that I used to like they both like a bit of UK garage from the 90s you know we snuck in like bits and pieces but you love it when someone uses a sample of something in like a new song you're like that's actually an old one listen that's like the dad's dream yeah I think you're gonna struggle Josh they're not gonna like Blur they won't like Blur my kids like Bl blur oh do they oh there you go yeah i think i think the beatles is a big one like we got we got early on she she didn't really realize now we listen exclusively to moana and um of course and gary barlow's theme tune for paddington

the nickelodeon and and robbie williams is uh tiger that came to t-song astonishingly she's and Robbie Williams' Tiger That Came To Tea song. Astonishingly, she's into two solo Take That singles, which is an astonishing thing. But I want to just be playing the Beatles and stuff so it seeps in. You know when people hear about that? But the moment I try and put any music on, she tries to put her own on. So I'd prefer Complete Silence.

That's an ongoing battle. That is an ongoing battle. But it will even itself out bit by bit the the songs some of the best songs will become earworms so like my younger one you know she's just started secondary school but she bumps the beach boys queen oh wow um so eclectic she the goodfellas soundtrack she loves climbing and then like aj tracy i mean i'm like okay cool and is she telling her friends that she likes this stuff or is that kind of her family kind of certain friends like she she quite likes being the black sheep because all her friends listen to pop right there's a couple of friends

she'll go listen to this but the rest of the time she keeps it to herself and she knows that she's a freak jimmy the older one just listens to pop harry styles you know all that stuff do you find like because i quite like the idea of because obviously i don't know yet what my daughter's gonna be like but when we had lucy bowman on and she was like quite pleased that i think she said her daughter was a bit of a weirdo or something like that i'm quite excited by the idea of having a quite an eccentric child or a daughter that wants to kind of kick against the mainstream absolutely and i think the one thing that both my kids share is they've got that and i think a part of that i have to say i'm not not trying to blow my own trumpet but a part of it

it has to be down to the fact that my life is not linear do you mean yeah as much as i wasn't around in the early days when i was doing a lot of stand-up later on it was the complete opposite you know i was around all the time you know hanging out we get to do amazing things you know when i went to host the baftas in la i got that they they paid for me to take them with me do you mean so they were in hollywood yeah and i've taken them around the world on tours we go to glastonbury every year thanks to comedy do you mean so they've grown up at glasto like that yeah if you're exposed to stuff then they will be a broader interest rather than i mean if my if either of mine wanted a fiat

500 i'll be absolutely devastated with glastonbury i'm fascinated by kids going to glastonbury because i've got friends that will take their kids to glastonbury. I'm fascinated by kids going to Glastonbury because I've got friends that will take their kids to Glastonbury. And I think I just feel so frustrated to be that close to the party but not able to be in the party, if you know what I mean. Okay, so you've got to be really smart.

It's very, very difficult to do it with little kids. I never did it. So what we used to do is we used to take them to whenever i did latitude we take them there best of all camp best of all very sort of child friendly yeah with glasto we always made a pact me and my missus is like no it's just us two they can go and stay at my sister's done you know then as they got older they'd just be like they'd watch it on tv you know and they go what this looks like

a better version of best of all and latitude and we're like yeah it is it's the daddy so we just bit the bullet and said let's do it but there's strategic ways of doing it so if you know other comics or artists or even just friends who are going with kids you can work it out so say you do three four nights right and there's two or three other families then you go right mom's night thursday night dad's night saturday night do you mean yes yeah that's a great and if it's just you and your missus then like what we usually do is we say you have a night and i'll have a night you know yeah just go around be weird get weird do do whatever and i'll just i'll hold the fort what's the morning like 7am waking up in a tent with little ones it's horrendous

yeah you want to be the one that's got the set who's got the second night for the one that's going out you don't want to be burning your first night, and then you're staring down the barrel of your staying in night. We've got one final question, Ben. This is your chance to basically have a little moan about your partner. Is there one thing that frustrates you about the way they parent that you couldn't actually say to their face without it kicking off, but is a fair thing that you can now drop here,

and if she hears it, then she she'll take it on board um wow i would say it's the coffee the sort of coffee morning chats that she has with other mums and then comes home with like this horror story you've got you've got to delete this app or you've got this then should never be able to do this and i'm like i just know that just feels like it's something that someone said that they read in the guardian or something and now everyone's freaking out do you mean yeah my my position has always been and always will be let's just let's talk it out first yes because you can get freaked out and i have this argument with my sister all the time she gets super freaked out about certain things that i know this damages kids is damaged there's a maybe it does but what's going on in that house you know otherwise it's just anecdotal to me you know maybe it did damage that kid but what's going on in that kid's house yeah you know like because

in my house we we chat about this stuff and you know i like to give my kids enough rope to hang themselves with so to speak you know like let them let them make their own mistakes but also give them the tools to understand like this might be problematic but no it's going to blanket ban shit i mean my mom had a panic when grand theft auto came out and they've got one kid at school like was playing it for ages and like like, got unwell or had a seizure or something like that. He's like, no, you can't play that game in case you have a seizure. I was like, he's really playing it for, like, 20 hours.

It's all different. Listen, like, I think the main thing is just recognise your kid is not you. And your kid is not going to, like, be in your image. They're going to have elements of you, but they're just going to work it out themselves, no matter what you do. And if you really try and force the issue, they're going to have elements of you but they're just going to work it out themselves no matter what you do and if you really try and force the issue they're going to go the other way

yeah so the best thing to do is just talk it out and when they do make a horrific mistake you can just absolutely love the i told you so that's what i live for that's what i live for thanks Ben that's been amazing cheers mate thanks Ben cheers lads Ben Bailey-Smith stroke Doc Brown depending on

I kept calling him Doc and thinking I should call him Ben because yeah but then I was calling him Ben and I thought oh should I call him Doc

a couple of times as well oh mate it's a nightmare isn't it yeah but there we go wonderful man really nice to speak to him. Yeah.

I'm absolutely dreading the teenage years. Mate, that, all I'm, I'm just looking asleep tonight. I was just horrified about that. Imagine if your daughter, but also who are these lunatics whose daughter's on TikTok and their phone number's on it? I'd go mental. Yeah. I'd buy every phone in South East London and Friday the River just so she couldn't get another one

I'd go to every shop you can't stop them going on social media because do you remember the kid at school that didn't have a TV and what a kind of social pariah they were you can't be those parents that have got the kid that's got no if they have social media it's a private account they can have a phone but it's got to be a Nokia 3310

just getting really good at Snake. Impressive moves with Snake. You could save 10 text messages. I can't wait to watch that CBeebies bedtime story thing now, knowing he was half cut. Do you know what, mate? Romesh did it, of course. I don't know how he fitted it in,

but he did manage it. I've got the same agent as Romesh. And I said to her, when I saw him, I texted her, I was like, get me on that bloody CBeebies thing. Presuming the call would come the next week that I've been the same agent as Ramesh. And I said to her, when I saw him, I texted her, I was like, get me on that bloody CBeebies thing, presuming the call would come the next week that I've been drafted in. Not a fucking sniff. Not heard a word about it.

I want to go down the list and see who's done it. It's really good. Who's got picked above Josh Winnicombe. Mate, the list is, I'd say it's probably got the strongest booking list outside of the Graham Norton show. Or Desert Island Discs. Yeah, or Desert Island Discs. Desert Island Discs is an absolute lottery.

It'll be like Ant & Dec, and then it'll be like, oh, Philippa Singleton, who once wrote an amazing play in 1943. Like, fuck off, Philippa. Who are you? Rob, you are aware it's on Radio 4, mate. That's getting eight times the listeners as the Ant & Dec one. It's only because they're too fucking old to change a channel on their old radios.

I was listening to Desert Island Discs. Lie, lie, lie. What do I mean by lie? On the radio. It went into, like, next week. This is how out of touch their continuity announcer was. He went, next week, we're

joined by the comedian, Michael McIntyre how have you not heard of him oh my lord anyway thank you to Ben all do search out his hungover

children's story on CBeebies and do search out his kids books thank you to everyone for listening we'll be back on Friday with various tales

from your emails I didn't mean that to rhyme but sounded great I think it was great wasn't it chatting to a rapper it's really rubbing off on you

anyway see you next time see you on Friday bye