Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP48: The old nose stroke technique

Episode Date: October 9, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP48: The old nose stroke techniqueMore misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx Follow Rob's barber brother: @the brockleybarberIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at michigan.org. Fresh at michigan.org. Hello, I'm Josh Whittacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Rob Beckett.

Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Rob Beckett. What's happened there? Apparently, according to the email, he just found both of the names hilarious. Oh, our job's done. He'd be a great crowd member.

However, you think he found our names hilarious. That is our two-year-old son, whose full name is Oliver Noblet. No. Yeah, surname pronounced, just put this in brackets, surname pronounced Nob-let, unfortunately. He's going to be Mr. Noblet. Mr. Noblet. At the end of the email, it says, much love, the Noblet family.

The Noblets. The Noblets. You've just got to embrace it. I think the only way is to go, yep, Noblet. You have to embrace it. You can't skirt around the Noblet. Exactly. You've got to lean into it, haven't you?

I'd have to know what the maiden name was if you took her husband's name. Yeah, because, you know. It's got to be a better noblet, hasn't it? Vagelet could be the only worse one. Yeah, but you certainly wouldn't hyphenate it. You've got the opportunity these days not to use the surname if it's noblet. Yeah. Just say that you're a modern person.

You don't need to draw attention to the reason. Well's weird though because when we got married lou was like oh i don't know if i want to take your name i was like i don't care like take it if you want whatever i don't really want to take yours but if you don't take mine that's fine i don't care we'll have double barrel kids or pick one for the kids i really don't mind which was like yeah because it seems a bit like sex is taking the name which i sort of agree with but what i find weirder i think the name is just arbitrary really it's just that but what i think is mental or wedding is when you're given away by your dad and then in a religious way they go do you do you give her away and he goes yeah i'll be like you're you're gonna do fuck all mate i'm in charge of this decision

when or if my daughters get married i'm not giving them away they're doing whatever they want i've got no say in it rob they've gone they've gone years before that mate you've got nothing to give away nothing i'm giving it all you've given it all you gave it away years ago um i do feel like i'm worried about this is what i'm worried about josh sorry to jump in because uh my kids this week well the five-year-old they've started teaching to read little these little keynote teachers, right? I'm joking. And you're not allowed to know the letters anymore.

Do you know about reading? No. Well, I like to think I do, but yeah. Okay. So A, B, and C. You know all that lot, yeah? Yeah. Yep, to Z.

Played far so good. Doesn't exist anymore, mate. It's all ab-ba-ca. It's phonics. Oh, phonics, yeah. So it's all like, I didn't know what was going on and then the five roles are like abba ker and it's all like try graphs and stuff mate i always knew a day would come when your children would come home from school with work that was beyond

you but i didn't expect it at five i thought you'd at least get to the sats. I mean, it is a worry that I'm struggling at the reading bit. They're going to be doing GCSEs, mate. It's just that c-a-t-a, c-a-t-a, c-a-t-a, c-a-t, because you have to blend it in. Yeah, you're struggling. I can hear it. Yeah, I know.

So, like, I'm all over that. Because basically, they normally invite you in and explain as to it. Because when you go home, you do the reading with them. They've got to make sure that you're not undoing all the work they've done in the day. So they normally, they said, they invite you all in to explain it. You know, Rob, they don't say that to other parents, but they did when you were starting. So anyway, they said, obviously, you can't come in. Normally, you go and have a cup of tea and explain it all because of COVID, right? I had to watch a 15-minute video they put together of how to teach them i felt like i was in like trying

to i was trying to understand inception or tenet i just didn't know what was going on and then i had a q a where he went on like a q a with the teachers yeah that's actually called a quote yeah that'd been a great bit of pantomime but i don't think it would have gone down well on these parent zooms i'm just sat there constantly not trying to ruin my daughter's education and um everyone asked a question apart from me at that point anything that i did want to know had already been asked but i didn't want to just you can't just throw one in can you yeah question so i felt bad i felt like I need to think of an emergency question that I just ask every time.

Will there be lunch? That's often a good one. Are they eating their lunch okay? Because she's a bit funny with rice. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. How do they distinguish between a C and a k hey i've got no idea but after this q a it was expected

that you do know right do you think you worried do you know if there's any uh any fans of the podcast for want of a less crass term who who are either teaching or parents at your school like are you worried about them them come on monday you're going to be called in because you don't actually understand phonics well yeah maybe i'll have to stay stay behind for extra one or one but like yeah because there's triographs and diagraphs so a diagraph or i don't know if it's a northern thing diagraph diagraph is two letters two vowels or two consonants or a vowel and a consonant which together make one. I mean, I literally can't read that.

And then a trigraph is three, basically. Three, yeah. Mate, I'm really shy. We all knew where that was going. I basically just put education to bed in my early 20s. What would a trigraph... Give me an example of a trigraph. Ear or air.

Ear? Air? No, but that's just a word. No, but... No, as in here. As in here. Right. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. Cool. I did air. A-I-R. So like hair. Air. Yeah, yeah. I get it.

I get it. I get it. I get it. Do you know what? I'm so glad I can read because it really feels like an effort to learn. Oh, God. I can read. And looking at that, I feel like I'm unlearning it. I get it. Do you know what? I'm so glad I can read because it really feels like an effort to learn. Oh, God. I can read. And looking at that, I feel like I'm unlearning it.

You know, like when some people like leave passing the driving test to later in their life. Yeah. I'm so glad I'm not reading out when I wasn't really worrying about it. So I think if I couldn't read by now, I can't. I don't think I could be bothered to learn. Well, I couldn't. No shock to you. I had to go for

special lessons like a special lesson class I don't know what you know I think they've got a more sort of friendly term now like early 90s it was like right divvies this way fat and glasses in you get let's do this they'd get me to read and what I used to do is because I couldn't read it I used to make up what was happening oh what you were just trying to you were trying to riff it yeah so i'd be like oh because i saw a picture of biff jim and kipper and it was a pet shop and they had a fish and oh biff jim and kipper i've gone to the pet shop to buy a fish because i sort of think it'll be something like that and i was like that's not what it says i went went, yeah, but it's what's happening, isn't it? And that used to be my defence.

But that is what's happening, isn't it? They are, they have gone there to buy. It would be difficult when you get to a non-picture book to try and, to open Harry Potter and try and riff your way through 250 pages of that. I mean, yeah.

I mean, that's, that's what I'm a bit worried about though, Josh, because I do think, like you say, it's not going to be long before they are way more intelligent than me. And I'm going to be the dad because they're going to come home all like, oh, I learned this at school. And they're like, no, dad, you don't know anything.

And I'll be like, I'll put a roof over your head. I may not know how to speak, spell all right, but boy, I worked hard. Do you know what? Yeah, I know how to make the edit on a panel show. That's what I know. I can riff off Jimmy Carl's slams, yeah? I actually, ironically, we managed to get that kitchen because I was shit at spelling on countdown, right? At Enterprise, we know you're constantly on the move.

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but yeah so that's what that's been my week and I found it quite stressful, Josh. Yeah, that is stressful. That is. So does that mean that if you'd like, not that I'm going to, but if you'd been teaching them of your own from the age of three, that you'd have been actually giving them bad habits? Yes. So they did say that, that they have to sort of unlearn certain bad habits that you think you've done well by teaching them.

Oh my word. I know. So that, you know. That's tough. Because my daughter can recognise the letter that her name begins with, not because we've kind of taught her, but just now. I'm now thinking that we've set her back a term. Yeah, because it wouldn't be a B, it would be a B.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So anyway, I find it really, I've got it. You know, do you ever get that instant headache? Yeah. So they said try a graph, die a graph, and I just could feel my head throbbing as I was on Zoom. And I've not done a serious Zoom call ever. Normally, it's just me staring down the little lens and pathetically trying to make someone laugh on some telly show somewhere.

You hate a Zoom call, don't you? I hate Zoom. Give me your top three issues with Zoom. Because I'm not going to lie, you hated a Zoom call during lockdown. And you were like, well, it's fine. Because when lockdown ends, this is going to go. This is it now, mate. I know. But we've got to do parents' evening on Zoom and all that.

And I think now they're just going to be like, it's not easy just to do it in Zoom rather than going in. But I like people, Josh. I feed off energy. I can't. And I find it so hard to, I can't listen properly. I don't take it in when it's on a camera. And also, I find the people talking to me aren't comfortable and they're a bit more awkward and then you can see someone's looking somewhere else you're distracted I don't think you're fully engaged in the

conversation on zoom no there's a there's a real there's a real eye line issue on zoom isn't there yeah exactly so I'm not a big fan of zoom and I like I feel like I can understand stuff and I learn better face to face with with someone in the room rather than through it for a screen but you are aware that you're not the one who's going back to school well it feels like i am at the moment it was like when you're helping them at home with the reading i thought that's the point of them going to school in it why am i getting involved do you know what i mean do they have homework because i didn't have homework at primary school do you i think they do that they haven't yet but I think what's happening is rather than homework

they send in home like they're allowed to take a book home I think they're sending a book home from the library that you can just like read to them before bed it's obviously too advanced for them also they are sending home like entry-level reading books that they you have to send back and say that they've read or and then you can say in their planner they read them or i help them to read them or whatever and it gets sent back and then i think because of like covid they have to go into quarantine for three days and then another book comes home on a monday do you know what i hate covid it's really shit you know what we haven't really spoken about it but i'm fucking i this, I know it's a bigger deal than this. I'm fucking bored of it.

I'm so bored of it. And it's like, do you know what? I know this sounds, but the first time when you were locking down, it felt like, well, this is a thing we all have to do. It's a moment in history, you know, where life is going to be weird for a few months and it's going to be really weird for a few months, but this has to be done. And now it feels like I'm never, ever going to order at a bar again.

I'm quite happy with that, though. I don't like ordering at a bar. Yeah, that's a bad example. So there are some benefits. You can't believe I'm saying this. I miss, do you know what I miss? Go on. We go into the office

for last leg on a Wednesday and a Thursday. I just miss getting a Benito's hat for lunch. It's the little thing. Do you know what I miss is the ability to go,

oh, we finished a bit early. I'll go into a shop that I've wanted to go into and have a look at that t-shirt and no cue you're allowed to try it on yeah yeah and and you know what I miss I miss doing a meeting for the last leg and not doing it on zoom so I can be on my laptop doing something else yeah and not really

listening not really listening because on zoom you have to really listen but by being in the room i miss the fact that i'm in the room physically so i don't have to be mentally yes exactly that's what it is josh i think when you're in the room physically you can switch off mentally but on zoom you're not there so your eyes you have to do so much work with your eyes on zoom have you ever been thrown like someone's thrown a question to you in a zoom meeting and you've been zoned out it is that's far worse than at the table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, because it's so disrespectful for that because you're not even bothered to leave your house and you're not even listening on your laptop. So how lazy are you?

Yeah. Do you know what this lockdown feels like? It feels a bit, you know, because we did the big lockdown. I don't know if they'll do another one, but like it felt like it was a part of something. And now it's sort of back to normal, but isn it's a bit like you know the war was over and it was ve day right it's like yeah the big street parties haven't gone mad that was friday night a lovely weekend and then back back in a monday you go down the shops you're like what it's still an egg a week but we've beat the dancies we've won the war we've beat the nazis and i've still

got i can't have an omelette. Yeah, that's exactly what, do you know what it feels like? Do you know what it feels like? What does it feel like? Go on, do another one.

Let's do another one. It feels like, you know, like the, you know, like when Oasis were really good for like two years. Yeah. And now I feel like I'm just having to part with shit Oasis albums for the next five years.

The Hindu times. I'm trying to like part with shit Oasis albums for the next five years. The Hindu times. Are we still going through this fucking charade? Definitely. Maybe anymore. I don't know, Rob. I'm, I'm so tired of it.

I know that. I know that's not what this is about, but we're supposed to be distracting people for this. I think we're dragging them down with us. It's good good to talk about it yeah um i genuinely i just i just missed the things that i didn't think i liked i miss commuting so much i i think it's a quite a good mental preparation to go it's very difficult to be at home and then go to work so that commute if it's not too busy and horrible it's good to get you ready to go bit of music on the podcast going upstairs

i think you need a raft extension just to extend your podcast time another flight of stairs i'm never going to complain about sitting on a tube again genuinely although of course i won't have to because i'm never going to sit about sitting on a tube again genuinely although of course i won't have to because i'm never going to sit on a fucking tube again how things are going oh josh how's your week been child wise all good yeah fine um you sound so annoyed no it's it's just you know what yeah no it's fine um her main carer at nursery has left, which is quite sad, actually. It's very sad. And so she's trying to get used to new staff, which, you know, it will be fine.

She sounds like Landy Gentry. You know, like a lord of a manor somewhere. New staff. Yeah. So that's been all right. Yeah. Apart from that, it's been pretty uneventful i'll be honest i bought a uh i'll tell you i bought a blackboard for the um fridge oh what to put like family to put my to-do to my rr to-do list rr to-do list okay yeah yeah

yeah how's that going getting it all done no but it's much more visible what I haven't got done now yeah just to really panic you all night I can really see that I still haven't sorted out my life insurance every time I get out the fridge now yeah so before you could just sort of switch off that it's a note on your desk to get that done now you know it's nine o'clock you've had a couple of beers you're watching a bit of telly just just really in your face if you die now everyone's gonna suffer because you didn't sort out your admin also i i'm not gonna lie i'm having to i'm having to use the chalk from my daughter's blackboard which is problematic um i need to put on there by chalk um oh here's something to ask you about parenting wise yeah go on i told we've discussed her um sleeping's gone a bit rubbish

since um potty training yeah i've not heard of this phenomenon but i'm willing to admit that it's uh if they're worrying about it it would be it does make sense that's why they wake it up i'm on a uh on a group with some um other dads a couple of other dads matthew crosby in fact who's been on this show is one of them and uh I woke up this morning and is there a better feeling than waking up at 7am and then being greeted by two texts on the group from people at 5 30 and 5 40 respectively complaining that their children have woken up genuinely I know I know I shouldn't feel I know that shouldn't have put an even bigger spring in my step. The pain of others is great though, isn't it?

It is great. It was quite a weird wake up at 7am, absolutely delighted, look at my phone. Turns out the American election debate has been one of the biggest shit storms of all time. And then I check my phone and people have been up at 5.30 and 5.40. I've never had so much energy in my life. Cannot wait to unpack those text messages. And obviously Matthew's wife listens to this. Oh yes. So now is it awkward that you're... Well, it'd be interesting whether it gets back to him. Maybe I should start leaking

things Matthew said in the group to his wife via this podcast. That's great. Let's do that. What have you got? Well, I just, he says that she doesn't put in much effort and he does most of the leg work but i don't want i don't want to no he doesn't he doesn't he doesn't that is mental imagine if he did he actually said that he thinks she's she's parenting at about 30 and he's having to pick up the slack oh i mean we've all thought it at some point in our life haven't we no he just to be very clear and i don't know how this is edited he hasn't said that at all

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and make your retirement dreams come true. Get started today at questrade.com. Hello, everybody. We are Birthday Girls. I'm Camille. I'm Beattie. And I'm Rose. And we are a comedy sketch group,

and we do a comedy podcast called Birthday Girls House Party, and we're a comedy sketch group and we do a comedy podcast called Birthday Girls House Party and we're coming back for a brand new series did you mention that we got nominated for an award

I think that would yeah we did get nominated for an award did you say that it's really stupid it's really stupid should we tell them that there's a different

theme every week we've also got different guests every week Mae Martin Tom Allen Jen Brister Brett Goldstein.

And loads more. Don't spoil them with the guests. No, don't spoil everyone. So we just need you to pop your headphones in or press play on your laptop. Camille doesn't understand technology. Yeah, do whatever you do to listen to the podcast. We'll be having a chat.

We'll be oversharing. We'll be playing games. We'll be underprepared, but it'll be very funny. Oh, yeah. And you better believe we've left the BBC, so we are unleashed. So that's Birthday Girls House Party. Find us wherever you get your podcasts and rate and subscribe. I've got some messages from the Instagram, Josh, we can go through.

Would you like those? Let's have them. So this is from Melanie. Love your podcast, blah, blah the Instagram, Josh, we can go through. Would you like those? Let's have them. So this is from Melanie. Love your podcast, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, my only baby is four-legged, furry, and barks. Rob's elephant trunk story. You do need to get that checked out. Yeah, I don't think that's okay.

I mean, I'm sure, you know, all kids are different. You know, I'm very pro Montessori learning, but if they are furry and got four legs, that's too much. It's too much for any guy's good. Anyway, so the elephant trunk story, that was my daughter that said C-U-N-T for trunk. It said it made her laugh and it made her remember that her friend's son, James, who's about three, well, was about three at the time, after a visit to an air show, a family friend bought him a model of his favourite plane, the Vulcan Bomber.

And for about six months, that was James's favourite toy. And he would proudly show it to anyone and everyone. And he would shout at the top of his voice and tell them all about his fucking bomber. I mean, that is bad, isn't it? It's not ideal. I actually think that's worse than the C word, because it's homophobic.

I mean, I don't even know if I'm allowed to have said that. I think it's fine because you're quoting a child. It's fine because you're quoting a child. You're coming out as if that's Zingers. Was it like the lollipop? We went, it's not sticky until the first lick. It's fine because you're quoting out as if it's Zingers. Was it like a lollipop? We went, it's not sticky until the first lick. It's fine because you're quoting a child. I don't think, unless I'm very much mistaken,

I don't think the child is using it as a homophobic slur. I think it's a mistake. I mean, that's what I've assumed from that. Yeah, I don't. I think it would be very surprising if the child had decided this is the opportunity to um to really give their views on uh alternative lifestyles um little conservative pro-trump kid loves planes loves the military um that is amazing um if any of your children do have sweary phrases, we're always looking for them.

Oh, yeah, that's great. Yeah, ideally not homophobic, but, you know. That goes for all emails. Yeah, yeah. As a rule, nothing homophobic, please. I've got another email here or Instagram message. Remember the Joe Brand episode was talking about the close gap between the kids?

Yes. It's slightly different. Macy Gray. The Macy Gray method, as we call it, who had kids very close Yes. It's slightly different. Macy Gray. The Macy Gray method, as we call it, who had kids very close together. This is slightly different. But hi, Rob and Josh. Just listen to your Joe Brad episode.

I don't have a close gap between my kids, but I have four daughters. Yes, all girls. All born in different centuries. Decades, surely. Yeah, that's what she means. But I didn't want to pull her up. I was going to say say all born in different

is she a vampire i don't know but i don't think that jenna's a love i mean at this point i don't even know she's got four daughters i don't know if she's added them up correctly because some of his maths isn't a strong point but decades so so say it was 1979. Wrong. There's a hundred year gap. No, you're right. So basically four daughters. So they've got Leah was born in 99. Yeah. Sophie, 2010.

Yeah. Amelia, 2016. And Eliza, 2020. Bloody hell. So to add, I am- Huge gaps, isn't it? I am 40. Also have a 12 year old stepson and also have a grandson born in 2019. Whoa.

So my youngest is younger than her nephew by six months. Wow. Also, to add, my almost four-year-old, every time she gets in the bath, she stands up and shouts, I'm weeing like a boy, and stands in the bath peeing like a boy. Every single time, no matter if she's been for a week right before her bath or not um love the podcast and have been binge listening whilst walking the dog she's got a fucking dog as well jesus christ it's over two centuries she has managed to do it

over two centuries but four decades two millennia two millennia um i've got a question for you i'll go on so afternoon gents currently sat in a hospital car park for the fifth time this week as my wife is having checks done on the seven day old baby izzy due to covid i'm not allowed near which although disappointing has fallen quite nicely for the return of football anyway we're in need of help izzy will only sleep i mean it's seven day old mate izzy will only sleep during the night if she's constantly being held i mean i've had loads of bread longer seven days get the kid a chance as soon as we move to a moses basket it's like the world is ending any tips on getting a newborn to settle off parents i think you've just got to suck it up i know that's not what you want to hear i also have a few questions

about how to deal with the in-laws but need to make sure my wife does not recognize the stories as she listens to this as well so need to add a few random details speak soon chaps and keep up the good work so we'll focus on the first one yeah okay so i love this but he's plotting to vote about the in-laws yeah i think yeah seven days i think it's too early to sort of just if sleep at any point it's that worry about that worry about setting a precedent so we've got to the point now where i was petrified absolutely petrified of the thought of getting in a situation where my daughter would get used to sleeping and luckily she's got no interest in sleeping on our bed but like that kind of do you know what i mean

we were the same and we've they've never slept in our bed ever and i because they're so cute and cuddly and you want them but like you know you just it's not it's not going to end well for anyone especially when they're really small because it's quite dangerous but even now when they're bigger i just don't want that and i. But after a while, after a couple of years, I don't know about you, but you just feel like it's a bit less like if you do one thing one night, it will reprogram this child for the rest of their lives. Do you know what I mean? But after seven days, I was worried that, you know,

anything I did would lead to a lifetime of them being able to sleep only in a pram or whatever well yeah because we you know the Russell Cain's method's quite extreme about getting a kid to sleep and and stuff like that but I find they're all different where our second one would just sleep easy like just sleep in a room on our own fine didn't really care just slept pretty well and then with our first one we we had to do cry cry out in the end and just sort of like let her cry so like because we never really wanted to do cry out but it was we tried everything else and that's the only thing that worked so i think each kid's different but i think a weekend you

just you know do whatever you've got to do what i did loads which i don't know if it made it worse but i used to put um the baby in the pram and just walk and walk i'd ring people i'd do like and just like if they slept for two hours and i was just walking for two hours yeah lou could sleep at home obviously and then i could have a kick when i got back and also i thought it was quite good exercise because you do put weight on don't you just indoors comfy i remember because it was um like it was just before christmas because my daughter was born in october so it would have been i remember at like 10 p.m just walking around the kind of shops not going in walking around the shops of where I lived and there was a lot like walking down to the place where they were selling Christmas trees in the park

yeah and looking at that and trying to trying to convince myself that this was a lovely festive moment as I walked around and I was walking I just but you just keep walking and I was walking past pubs and she'd already fallen asleep in the pram and I was thinking could I nip in with the pram for one oh and I just I couldn't obviously no I tell you what I have done though is if like I have put a little bit of wine in a cup. Have you? For a walk. Oh, for yourself?

Oh yeah. I thought you meant to knock out the child. I was going to say Rob. But that's such a good idea. Well, not like getting battered, but like when we were having that glass of wine and then the batter and I just said, shall I just take her for a walk?

Get like whatever. And yeah, so I just had it. I thought I her for a walk, whatever? So I just had her for a walk. I put it in a little cup. I couldn't give a shit about the wine. What kind of cup were we looking at here? I put it in a reasonable coffee cup. Yeah. Put a bit of wine in there and made it look like I was just having a little late coffee

because I'm a great dad. I was actually getting spangled walking around a park at 6pm. In fact, you're having such a good time you didn't even come home. You just went into a bar and said, refill that, mate. Dude, I only had one to take the edge off.

So I wasn't wandering around spoiling the paper. You weren't drunk and driving. No, exactly. I have done that before in a moment of panic. Just put the kid in the car and driven just to get to sleep.

I thought you meant drunk driving. I was going to say, Rob, you need to stop with these confessions. I'm an'm an animal no but like and you can't do it but it got to the point where he was exhausted and lou was knackered and i went that's it why don't i just take her for a drive to get to sleep and she went to sleep straight away because you sort of got overtime i was going mad she went to sleep i drove around for half an hour and then i sat on the drive um with you know i don't want to show hour, and then I sat on the drive. I don't want to show off. I had to move out for the drive, but I've got a drive, Zone 5, isn't it?

And I wait for the baby to sleep, and then the most high-pressure transfer from car seat to cot. I mean, I felt like I was doing some sort of heist. I was just slowly moving this baby up the stairs. You forget that, the dip, even like that's a distance you're going. Yeah. That experience of, so when we'd get my daughter to sleep, when she was like a baby, and then you've just got to go from arms to cot. Yeah. And the tension, it's just like obviously i'm not i wouldn't

like to compare it to a bomb disposal expert but i'm gonna i'm gonna yeah but like it feels like you're both there one of you's having to make the move to put it in the other one can hardly watch yeah but also what does it help whenever i used to do it lou would just be like watching me do it i was like i don't need this get away but the hardest point was you could get him out the car seat right um i tell you what i had to disable the security light it's back on now but that was a disaster like she's been caught by prison guards but it's when you put them in the car and your hands are underneath them and you just have to slowly slide slide your hands out so that they don't know the transfer has been done that was

high stake stuff you can't do that for a week old they'll just wake up did you manage to do it then rob the transfer i've done a couple of transfers in my time not always successful i'd say about 50 50 but when they hit oh they hit good and then you're so adrenalized if they work that you're not going to be able to sleep for 45 minutes anyway i told you i when i'm drunk now i rock myself like i used to rock the kids do you know about this i'm a bit merry and i'm stood up at a bar um you know which doesn't happen anymore but i'd sway a little bit not sway like i'm really drunk but i just sort of like oh wow do that little sort of jig to left foot you know when you hold them you move left right to right and you move them along I sort of do that to myself oh wow does it get you

to sleep no but it just so I think it just sort of like calms me a bit if I if I feel that I'm a bit drunk is that mental no well um no I don't think so I think I don't know I've never really heard of it before um it yeah it's um we should just tie up for that listener that we really have no solutions. But seven days, don't panic. Don't panic. Yeah, you can't get them into a proper routine by then. Just do your best. If you've got a baby that's older than 12 days and they're not sleeping through for at least eight hours,

then you really are a bad parent. I should be clear on that. Oh, don't you get all the keynotes ringing in, Gad. I think that's very unfair on people that have a 12-day-old and they're not seeing through night because they may think that they should be. Shut up, you keynote. 16 days. 16 days.

Yeah, 16 days. Come on. Do you know, have I told you about this book I read? I saw it on the shelf the other day, right, because to cut a long story short because it's so boring we've run out of shelf space so I'm having to get rid of some books so I was like what get rid of the knickknacks Josh they're not taking up shelf space they're in front of them in front of the books I was going through going which books don't need I found this

book I bought someone had told me was going to basically get my daughter sleeping through 12 hours within 12 weeks. And he was like, it's surefire. And I read it before she was born. And I was like, this is going to be a piece of fucking piss. I don't know what all these people are complaining about. And the main tip seemed to be, just stroke their nose. Really? Yeah.

So it's like, if they're not going to sleep, just stroke them. So it's like, you know, like four weeks or whatever. I'm not going to say what the book is. Cause I might be slightly misrepresenting them,

the timings, but it was like, you know, so it was like at four weeks, put them down, leave them in the room only go back if they're really crying it's like four weeks we tried it once it was absolute at 7 p.m and we were like well of course she's not going to go to fucking sleep she doesn't go to sleep

when we're in the room at 7 p.m and then it was like if they're crying just come back in stroke their nose a bit they'll go to sleep i can't if someoneunk my nose if i was trying to go to sleep i'll be furious get off what are you doing it's a little fly in the bedroom also do you think if it was like a surefire technique it would be more famous oh yeah oh the old no stroke but if if the no stroke worked no one would listen to this because they want to have perfectly behaved kids. And then we live in their great life where, oh, God, the kids are annoying. Go in, give them a couple of no strokes.

It's not like Tixie Lynx. They've got to knock them out for the night. Sleepy little, I've had a bit of piran. Give them a no stroke, they'll get them to sleep. Imagine if someone had just discovered that. Oh, fucking hell, 2,000 years. Kids not sleeping. But turns out you need to straight their nose

um josh i've got a great uh picture here that i'm going to send to uh the group and i'll stick it on the insta account someone has said this is my two-year-old niece who looks like a salty josh widdicombe i'll pop it on the group pop it on the group. Pop it on the fucking group. It's really good. She's four now, and it's her sister-in-law. She didn't give her name, though. Just her name. Little sister-in-law. Oh, Sophie.

She's four now, but it's taken when she was two. Her eyes tell the story. I mean, she really does look like me. And that was taken when she met Father Christmas. Oh. And she was absolutely furious. And that comes from Becca Cowderwood. That is brilliant. We is brilliant that on the group salty josh willicam there's i've got another one a lookalike okay i'll just take a photo of this because it's on the laptop oh you're gonna love this you're absolutely gonna love it they've also they've provided a picture of me next to it. Right. It. That's the wrong word. Next to him.

It. Someone's child. So this is from Kate Jarb. I'm just going to put it on the group. I'm like, wow. Also, there's a real Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall vibe. There is a real Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall vibe. So this is from Kate who said, I got a random text from my brother asking if you ever thought how much

my six-year-old Charlie looks like Josh Willicam. Does he? He does. His head looks like it's bigger than yours. I mean, they're different photos, Rob. I'm not next to him. That's the problem, isn't it, with photos? I've got a bit more of a serious post, but I think it's nice to hear.

Is it nice to end on a serious one? Yeah, it's serious, but a happy ending. Okay, so let's finish on something a bit more serious, but it's good to hear. I'll double check. I'm not sure if she wants to say her name, so I won't say it. Hey, guys, I'm a living nanny, and as the kids have just gone back to school, I've recently started listening to your podcast, which has me crying with tears on the dog walk.

Hopefully good, good tears. I've just listened to your podcast. Do you know what? If you are getting a bit emotional, put some red wine in a coffee cup. That'll take the edge off. Only at extreme. That happened once in an extreme moment.

Also, I'm getting a lot of dog walkers listening to podcasts go to me, you're going to get one of these soon. I feel like I'm part of the dog club already. Anyway, so this lady said, I just listened to your podcast with Judy Love, which had me in tears for a different reason. I've had to work the whole of lockdown living with a family I work for,

which I was dreading at the beginning, as I care for a 10-year-old and a 12-year-old. And I've been with them for nearly seven years and adore my job, but the prospect of being stuck here and not being able to escape to see my family and with both parents working also daunted me. Mid-lockdown, my partner also ended things with me. So I was in an awful place, not being able to see friends and family. Luckily, I had the children that saw me through everything as much as they can be terrors. They were the reason I carried on.

I was so moved by your chat with Judy and it has inspired me so much. I've reached out for help that I would otherwise have ignored and pushed inside. It made me realise that it's OK to ask for help and that you can't be strong all the time. Thank you for this. And also, thank you so much for the constant smile that I've had on my mug for the past two weeks after listening to your show every day. I know this is probably a bit too soppy to be read out, but I just wanted to let you know that you guys have helped me bring some laughter back into this bloody terrible year. P.S. Make the most of them while they're young, but when they're older,

it's all sass and eye rolls. So I think that's a lovely message. That is a lovely email to get. It makes it sort of feel worthwhile, doesn't it, Josh? It does. It does.

Genuinely. And I, you know, we all know that this started because we thought we were just going to talk about shit on the kitchen floor. I just wanted an hour away for the kids so it's nice that this actually had some effect on some cultural worth can i add to that something that i think is a helpful email that we received so listening to josh on the last podcast describe his anxiety over his relationship with his daughter i felt compelled to send you an email. This is from Ian Patterson. The most apt description I heard a long time ago is boys wreck

your house, girls wreck your head. I have two daughters aged 11 and 21. The father-daughter relationship is completely different to other family dynamics. You're the only man in her life who will love her absolutely unconditionally without limit and want absolutely nothing in return. You're the only man in her life she can completely trust to only have her interest in heart. I think quite a few dads don't fully appreciate how important that is. We're setting an example of how they should be treated by future boyfriends, husbands. Oh dear, I'm in trouble. Also through our relationship to their mothers.

Your daughter is two. Don't forget she's never been a child before and doesn't know what she's doing either. Don't become obsessed with the details and lose sight of the bigger picture. Have fun together. Discover things. Build trust through honesty and support.

She will always love and adore you. I'm not sure about that. Oh, that's nice. It's nice. It's nice. What have we become? Is this Radio 4? I wasn't going to read that out,

but then you gave me the taste for it, Rob. Yeah. I think it's nice, though, isn't it, to have nice messages in as well? I think, you know, we are, after all, not very good at our jobs. But the point is, it's really hard being a parent. It is. We're muddling through together, and it'll all be all right. And if you are feeling down, like that lady you emailed in and like when judy was feeling down you definitely

got to say something and get support because it's horrible on your own yes and if you are worrying about your relationship with your daughter just wine in a coffee cup that is all i can recommend just have wine in a coffee cup and don't and don't try and teach them how to read because you'll probably get it wrong that's the message if you want to get in touch this is how email us hello at lockdown parenting dot co dot uk or tweet us at lockdown parents or instagram lockdown underscore parenting and you can also send us stuff p.o box. Box 76748, London E99DW. We are back on Tuesday. See you next week.

See you later. Bye.