Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP5: Kerry Godliman

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP5: Kerry GodlimanJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the amazing comedian and actress, Kerry Godliman. (WARNING: Contains spontaneous potty training and teenage arguments)Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not.

And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with me, Rob Beckett and... Hello, I'm Josh Whittakin. How are you? Oh, that was very... you sounded quite statesman-like there. Yeah, well, bloody well, someone's got to in this country, am I right? I was like your hype man, I'm your spin doctor, and then you bring home some really harsh home truths. Too right. How was like, you're hype, man. I'm your spin doctor. And then you bring home some really harsh home truths.

Too right. How are you, Rob? Yeah, not too bad. Morale's a bit better, actually, this week. Yeah, that's a shame. For us and the listeners. We've just lost half our listenership. Well, the potty trading situation is, excuse the pun, loggerheads.

Don't excuse it. It's quite a good one, actually. Forget I said that. Basically, cried once in the night. We got her up. She went, I need to go to the toilet. Went to the toilet. Put her back into bed.

Woke up dry nappy, yeah? However, instant knicker poo. It's knicker poo 24-7. But we're making progress. So I'm sure we'll get there. We'll get there. We'll get there. What will happen first? The pub's reopening? but we're making progress so I'm sure we'll get there we'll get there we'll get there what will

happen first the pub's reopening or your daughter having a non-shitty uh pair of knickers that really is the big question the thing is though I was like you know what it's the perfect time to do it because if she does a quick poo in her knickers it's so quick to change it and sort it out where imagine being in the park or in a shop or a restaurant and that happens yeah you've got to go home i would argue the perfect time to do it is after lockdown when i'm sending my two-year-old to boarding school for six weeks i'm sending a two-year-old i tell you what was funny though just like the other morning was they're so sweet and innocent kids and so, like, everything's amazing to them, where the two-year-old did a little wee.

I went, did you go for a wee? She went, yeah, on the potty. And she sat there. She started weeing and she just looked down and went, it works. And I was like, yeah, that is good, isn't it? Imagine not being able to have a piss all day. We take it for granted, worrying about, oh, I want to go to the pub. No, I don't, mate.

Every time I have a piss, I think it works. It still works. It works. It's still leaving me. Imagine that being in your belly all day. So my main issue this week, which is minor compared to shit. You know, I don't know if your daughters went through the stage of games where they're just like taking all the magnets off the fridge

or loads of one thing and putting it elsewhere, that kind of thing. Yeah. So then the game now is we've got one of those kind of lanterns you put a candle in that you hang in the garden you know those things yeah and she's putting all of the cutlery in it so so in the morning she will open the cutlery drawer and then put every piece of cutlery within one lantern and then take it out to the garden and i i like i'm well, I can't stop her doing this because obviously she's learning. But how's she getting to the drawer? Or have you got it all lowered because of your height?

Yeah, I've also got in our toilet, I've got one of those urinals from a primary school for myself. So she's doing it, but you don't want to stop her doing it because it's learning. No, because you feel like she's learning and she's doing good stuff and she's not it but you don't want to stop her doing it because it's no because you feel like she's learning and she's doing good stuff and she's not watching sarah and duck do you know one of them but she's not sitting in front of the tv so you don't want to kind of squash her ambition do you know what i mean yeah so now all of our cutlery whenever we need to eat we have to go out to the garden and get it out of the lantern have you thought about putting sort of have a

secondary cutlery that you put there and she does that every day. And then you've got other cutlery hidden in a drawer she doesn't know about. She'd know, mate. You remember remote controller gate. This is how they work. My thought was we'd be doing something similar where the other day there was sort of mud all over the patio in the back garden. I went, what's happening here? And they went, oh, we've been growing potatoes and we've picked them today. I was like, what? Yeah.

Basically, they have pulled out, I'd say, 30 daffodil bulbs by the stem of it. So all these daffodils that started a month ago, basically you have to cut them,

cut the tops off and then they grow again next year. But as we've cut the top off, it looks like they're sprouting like carrots or potatoes so they've just been ripping them out the ground and running around with potatoes so i've got those ripped up daffodils that's the thing though do you just do you want discipline that's the wrong word yeah i waterboarded both of them to find out who would instigate and uh now they know um then when they're trying help, do you know what I mean? So my daughter will help with the watering of the garden, but she's drowning these plants.

She's not giving them the right amounts. She's focusing on one and doing all of her water on that. And you're just like, do I write off this plant so that she feels like she's, you know, because this is her equivalent of forest school at the moment. Or they go, I've picked you a flower, and then what they've done is ripped out the bulb of a plant that's not flowered yet. this is her equivalent of forest school at the moment now they go i picked you a flower and then what they've done is ripped out the bulb of a plant that's not flowered yet so you just got

this dead flower bulb and then you can't tell them off because they go but i did i picked you a flat but you want to go no you haven't you've ruined the flowers yeah this is basic stuff you've got to learn do you want i tell you what do you want it nice and pretty in the summer yeah yeah we'll stop fucking touching the plant but you don't say that you go oh thank you no yeah great thanks for that that's three foot of my hand of dead plant also you can't explain to them you realize it's really difficult to get hold of gardening stuff at the moment because we're in lockdown yeah and then what'll happen is in the summer the garden doesn't look very nice well let me tell you a little story about why the garden doesn't look nice.

Two months ago, two little idiots were ripping plants out. Do you want some correspondence, Rob? Yes, please, Josh. It's the lockdown parody mailbag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. So we were talking just there about replacing replacing stuff so this is an email called the dangers of backup stuffed animals oh yeah gents in a recent app you were discussing this is from mark beal in a recent app you were discussing the idea of having a backup for your child's favorite toy stroke blanket stroke whatever as insurance against the item being lost

i thought it might be fun to share with you my personal experience with that and how it went horribly awry my daughter ivy is presently eight years old when she was two we got a stuffed tiger named hungry tiger that she loved very much but he was small and she left him everywhere because she was too afraid we'd lose him my wife and i bought two more of the exact same toy and hid them in our room presuming we could just substitute it in however when she was three she found the backups oh no there are more hungry tigers and if she was so excited in a panic i've entered a story about all the hungry tiger brothers used to live together it's a long story about them searching for home and eventually getting separated until a wonderful little girl

named ivy found them and reunited them what i did not realise was this toy was in mass production for the next three years. And I'd set a trap for myself where Ivy believed every one of them was separated from their brothers and it was her job to rescue them all. Oh, God! She'd squeal every time we passed her in the store. And, of course, we had to buy it because I convinced her

that they were all long lost brothers. Friends and family found this hilarious and Hungry Tigers started showing up in the mail. There are now close to 100 Hungry Tigers in my house. Oh, I want a photo so much. We've got a photo for you. I'm going to send it over now. This is amazing.

We'll stick it on the Twitter page. Here it comes. Look at the amount of hungry tigers there are there. There's just different type of tigers, like ones that sort of went on a gap year and come back tiger. So there's like a, there's normal hungry tigers and then there's like snow leopardy ones. Yeah.

And then there's like big ones, small ones. It's absolutely astonishing the amount of hungry tigers even a dog in there that looks a bit like the hungry tiger so ivy is obviously too young a god but it's look at it it looks like one so they've got a dog in a hungry tiger panic oh that's amazing the bottom row are their sisters the thirsty tigers and the hungry tigeresses center position in the second row. It looks not dissimilar from, you know, like those photos when a football team's got two bigger squads

and they do that photo of the full squad. Yes. Centre position in the second row, the kind of goalkeeper position, is the Hungry Tiger number one who holds a position of honour and reverence among his brothers. The original. The OG.

For being, in quotes, the first friend. The Gekko branch features a few lion cousins and the Thrills, Chills and Spills penguin family who shared their Antarctic home with the hungry tigers for a while during their journey. It's like a stuffed animal version of Joe Exotic, the tiger king. That is incredible.

Oh, it's so good, yeah. So there we go. I wonder whether they've also, by dint of the fact they kept buying them, it's meant that they've kept being on sale because the sales are so good. So they're personally kind of keeping their own nightmare going by purchasing all the Hungry Tigers themselves. If you have any stories of buying backups and it going wrong, this is how to get in touch.

Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on twitter at lockdown parents hello darlings this is lisa van der pump will you join me in france for a new reality show meet my hand selected staff as they work live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights.

Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in Pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at michigan.org. Now, this week's guest, absolutely brilliant comedian and actor. It is the amazing and obviously a great mum let's not be very clear on that it's the amazing carrie godleyman carrie godleyman hello

how are you hello josh i i'm all right today in this moment that's the attitude loving to see you carrie we'll not see you hear. Sorry to interrupt the podcast live, but my daughter has just done a wee-wee in her potty, and I'm going to have to give some serious praise here. Can I give you two seconds? Well done. Did you do a wee-wee in your potty? Well done.

Good girl. You're going to get six sweeties. Oh, it looks like Juju. Well done. Well done. All right. I'm very sorry about that, guys. I was going to say it's a humble brag, but it's not even humble. No, that...

Honestly, this is... All morning, my daughter has pissed all over the house like a dog, right? The potty training so far has been, we've put knickers on her, which she refused to have. She kept on shouting, I want a nappy, I'm a baby. We've got knickers on her which she refused to have she kept on shouting i want a nappy i'm a baby we got knickers on i've been giving her harry bow like a dog every time she's

put knickers on or gone near the potty and she she has pissed her knickers seven times this morning since 6 a.m so i am buzzing right now guys i'm high on life you know what I'm reverting because I've started pissing around the house now. So I'm going the other way. Oh, sorry, guys. Sorry about that. That was such a thrill for me. With the world as it is. I mean, I bother potty training at all.

I was against the potty training, but my wife really wanted it to happen. However, today was the first day it started from like a morning because you started yesterday day so i've been up since r5 just basically finding puddles of piss all morning that's been my morning okay so that was quite a big moment sorry i didn't i didn't i didn't plan for that to be on the air but thanks guys thanks i just when it happened i'd say that the problem issue is your presence. Yeah, as soon as I left, she did it. Anyway, sorry, guys. Kerry, let's get into you, okay?

It's not about me this episode. It's your episode, Kerry. Kerry, what's your situation? I've got two children, but they're well beyond pissing around the floor. They are 10 and 13. So I'm a different chapter to you two. Just as a forewarning when you get into the teen years, I don't even know if she's in the house.

The only evidence I have is that the wrists are being eaten. Someone's eating me. You sure Gary Lilliker don't live there? I barely see her. She's in her room all the time, zooming her mates. It's totally different. It's like,

I feel for the people like yourselves with really little ones because they're with you all the time. But I have the opposite problem where I barely see her. I'm like, do you want to come and watch a nan with an E? With mummy?

No. Trying to find any opportunity to sort of bond with her where she's not interested really. So do you miss her being four? Yeah, I do. Do you? I am quite a craft...

I was going to say I'm a crafty person. But I do like doing, like, make it... I mean, to be honest with you, if I don't watch the news, I'm thoroughly enjoying this lockdown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's sides of it where I've never been happier and I'm doing all little projects and gardening and making i made a rainbow collage on my own and then put it in the window as if your children

had made it yeah that sounds like they're still ready they're only 13 and 10 yeah they've got other my son's on his ps4 he wants to do that and he's got other things he wants to do whereas i'm like come on let's embroider together as a family oh my i can't even imagine that that's such a strange thing to hear when you're stuck in the midst of little ones in front of your face the whole time yeah it's really different i really miss sometimes when they were little what do you think would be the best age to be locked down of the ones you've gone through? I think my son's age is a really nice age. He's 10.

He'll do his schoolwork. He's fairly conscientious. He's quite happy to get on with it. And then he goes on his PS4 and chats to his mates for a couple of hours in the afternoon, and I can just sort of ignore him. He's sort of like a nice balance where he's still like us and he's prepared to be with us,

but he's not a constant sort of yeah when they're little they they just need you the whole time don't they yeah so what's what's the home schooling situation like for the 13 year old the 10 year old you said he's sort of playing ball i don't really have much to do with it she does it all herself online and it all goes through the school and i don't you know i have it sounds like she's not doing it kerry yeah i've got a feeling that it's not going brilliantly, but every time I try and get involved, we end up having a row. So I'm sort of like, do you know what?

If this is the apocalypse, you'll be lucky to get a job with a quillibaroo. So have you had any big bust-ups then with your teenager? Yeah, we've had loads of rows, yeah. And anything in particular that's a bit of a sticking point that's not getting resolved who keeps cropping up me breathing me waking her up in the morning so what's your schedule uh i get her up now we're back at school in the easter holidays she was sleeping until gone 11 12 most days i've been getting her up now by nine like with some attempt to have some structure yeah and she'll get up and

sort of get on with it but yeah she'll do the morning both of them do the morning they do their work in the morning and then to be honest it's pretty much done by lunchtime whether they're doing it or not i don't really know this is the thing we're finding is a lot of parents who are homeschooling are saying they're just knocking it out in the morning yeah do you think schools are a bit long uh a lot of what goes on in school isn't the academic learning anyway it's all the others around it and that's what i'm feeling sad that they're missing out on really yeah the academics i just think that's just data isn't it i mean they'll retain that often otherwise if teaching was just about like learning information there wouldn't be schools they'd all

be doing open university wouldn't they from age four yeah but like they need to go to school they need to see their mates they need to sort of have their little feuds even it's all part of their development but she said to me the other day mum why are you so aggressive i'm like that's my brand that's my brand that's who i am that's my usb yeah elsie couldn't be less interested in um you know my comedy and stuff like that i did we got asked to do these little clips like for your lockdown we made a little clip so we sort of did some comedy sketches and stuff and she was involved she was a bit more interested in that but when i like, trying to sort of explain how to do it, she was like, well, what do you know?

I'm like, well, I do know. I work in comedy. I do know. I've got quite a funny story about that, about parenting. It's a bit name-droppy if you suffer that. Yeah, that's all right. Basically, when me and Romesh was doing the Shania Twain episode for our series about country music, we went about Shania Twain,

and after her show, we were seeing the dressing room, like, drinks area of her and all her family and friends. And her son was there. He was, like, 17, and they live in Switzerland, and he wants to go to LA to be a music producer, right? And Shania Twain, we're in this weird conversation with Shania Twain, one of the greatest-selling female artists

of all time, one of the greatest-selling artists of all time. He's saying to him, look, go to London, move to London and learn your trade there. And then when you get a bit older, then go to LA. You don't want to go to LA before you've become like formed as a person, right? And he went, oh, shut up, mum. What do you know about the music industry?

You don't know anything about production. And I just stood there. I mean, I was just cracked up. And like like we're in the o2 arena that she's just sold out after moving from a small town to national to become this big star it doesn't matter who you are kids will never never listen to their parents carrie do you think your children are like proud of what you do i don't think they like me much no i don't know um yeah i think so i don't know about my daughter i don't think it's so hard to sort of navigate her 13 year old yeah personality and

hormones it's so complex in there to be honest i don't know really i think my son is i think my son's proud but as i say he's still little and sweet and sort of malleable you know yeah the teen thing has been massive and really sudden like she was still before she got a phone and started at secondary school and stuff like that i still felt relatively in control of her life but as soon as that began i felt like there was this huge shift and it's normal and natural and talked about it with parents that have got kids older and they all say it's all not like even that you know Shania Twain it's like it's all normal but it's really hard as a parent to let them go and let them move on

they start there's all these milestones like when they start school you have to let go I'd love to let go at this moment carrie absolutely love to let go i think this must be a really tough age to be in the lockdown with your little your little girl josh josh i found out today your daughter goes down for a 90 minute nap and i i think you're moaning too much about this lockdown no i'm throwing it out there yeah but i use that 90-minute nap to do this. Why? I like to work around the diaries of our guests and let them choose the time. Oh, shut up.

If my kid was on a 90-minute nap, I would be starting this as soon as they woke up. That's how I'd roll with it. And that is why I am a good husband. Kerry, so do you think, is it difficult? Because I kind of hadn't really considered this kind of teenage thing obviously i've got time to prepare for it but is it easy to go to yourself oh she's just being a teenager or do you kind of do you find yourself taking it personally i take it

personally it's only when i kind of like read it but i tell you who recommended a really good book david earl of all people we were moaning having a parent rant, and he was talking about his son who's grown up now. He's got an older one, but he said, he's got little ones as well, but he's got an older son. And he said, I'll read this book called I Hate You, Take Me to the Mall or something like that. And it was really good.

It was a really good book. It was really reassuring. He sort of talked about just what's, you know, their hormones and all that stuff just the teenage brain is a crazy place and i don't really remember being that age very well my memories are horrible i just don't remember when i say to my mom like what was i like and she's like you're the same they're the same it's just a difficult age yeah because i've seen on like you know that all the silly memes and jokes on the internet about lockdown and stuff and it had a thing with like take a moment to feel sorry for

the all the kids in year nine and it was like a insta post where someone said oh my god this lockdown i need to get back at school i've got my options coming up i just don't know what to do man and like in their world the fact that they have to choose like geography over pe or history and i remember though it's all relative in that moment when you're in year nine that is fed to you it's like you've got to pick this you've got to be that it is the biggest decision in the world and like and because they're just so developing and done everything seems so stressful and final and big to them you know dramatic and i'm quite a dramatic person as well, which I know you are.

How are you? I know, sure. So it's like an episode of EastEnders in here. You shut up. No, you shut up. You don't understand me. Have you flipped at any point on this lockdown, once where it was justified and once where you thought,

actually, I've gone a bit overboard there? All of that happens in any morning in any given time or day yeah i mean sometimes you kind of get it right i think you find with parenting sometimes you get it right and sometimes you get it wrong and it's just a very steep learning curve and because she's my eldest uh i think my son gets a better deal to be honest because there are some things i've sort of worked out by the time I've got to him I do think though it's a gender thing as well slightly where my wife will clash with our daughters in a different way than I will so I think sometimes because you see yourself so much in them I think mother-daughter stuff is complicated yeah but I think one of the things I don't know if it's if it'll be the same when your girls all

grow up but Ben Ben, my husband, has also felt like something happens with dads with daughters. They just get shut out from team. They can suddenly go, no, I don't want my dad, and they just, they can still be a bit... That's something to look forward to, isn't it? I think it's all right. You can have, like, ups and downs,

and you have to celebrate the little victories. Yeah, I'm quite looking forward to when we go swimming, and they're a bit older, and I just palm them off to their mum into the gym rooms, and I'm like, no, I've got into this one. See you in the pool. Oh, swimming's so hard, isn't it, when they're little? I've never known people to be so dry and wet at the same time

and be undressed and dressed. Anything that needs to be dry is wet, and anything that needs to be dry is wet and anything that needs to be wet is dry i love it when you're in the swimming pool having a go at a kid and the acoustics like make it 10 million times worse one little tip i would give to any people with young babies is when they start doing swimming lessons and you watch from the side wear as little clothes as possible because you don't realize how hot a swimming pool is if you're not in the water. I sat there in a hoodie dripping with sweat off my nose.

Someone caught up to me and went, oh, what class have you just finished? No, I've just been sat down. Did you find the phone thing difficult, Carrie? Oh, I hate the phone thing. I hate it. She's on it all the time. All the text. And again, you want to look back on your own childhood or your

own adolescence and go okay i can compare it to that but there's no comparison for me because i didn't have any of that when i was a kid yeah it's another world and i feel like an old woman saying it oh it's another world but it is a different world yeah that reminds me when i had lived in my first sort of house share when i left home we had an incoming calls only landline did you yeah so if you wanted to ring out you had to go to the pub with loose change and ring whoever you wanted to ring and go right I'm going home now ring me back in five minutes I mean Kerry I've always thought of you as quite young but that sounds like something from the war I know isn't that mad are you and how's cooking and stuff, food?

Do you all sit around as a family and have a meal? Yeah, we try to. Yeah, that is something we stick to. And I've tried to get her to do a bit of cooking, actually, while we're on the lockdown as well. She's made some cookies that she got off TikTok the other day. They went straight in the bin. Yeah.

Do you have, like, a screen time rule with your children, or is it just? We try. I don't want to be like hardcore about it because I think when I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to drink Coca-Cola or watch Benny Hill. And now I can't think of anything better than watching Benny Hill drinking Coca-Cola. You have to bear in mind that if you put down two hard rules, they're just going to want to go. And it feels like you've got quite a bit of spare time at the moment anyway as your children are ignoring you Kerry but

if your partner and your kids were like vanished away for the day and you had the entire day to yourself under lockdown rules what would you be doing in the house what would your day look like oh gardening 100% I can't stop gardening I've actually hurt myself quite badly today so I can't do it any but I've just what's happened I've I really myself quite badly today, so I can't do it any. But I've just been... Oh, what's happened? I've really... Like, a thorn went quite deep into my knuckle and it's all swollen up. Oh, God. My finger looks very weirdly phallic.

Oh. All right. It's a tiny little cock for a finger, so I can't... Tiny little finger cock. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping. Robo code searching.

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My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. What would you say is the worst, if you had to pinpoint the one worst piece of parenting you've

done since the lockdown? Oh God, there's so much. I mean, just sometimes you start the day wrong, just with the wrong attitude. Yeah. It all goes to shit, doesn't it? The whole day is a write-off. You're like, I might as well go to bed and start again tomorrow because this day's ruined. I just think sometimes when I think I'm being kind of rigorous

and she's like, you're being aggressive, and then you get into an argument. Do you know what I mean? Like where I'm like, right, what today what's today Tuesday right what's Tuesday what have you got on a Tuesday and she's like why are you shouting and we're immediately in to a confrontation I thought we were talking about Tuesday. It just happened so quickly. That's all. And where's the dad in the argument? What side is he?

He's the same. We're both just sort of on the same page with it, really. So he's on your side. He doesn't think you're shouting at her. Sometimes you'll come in and quietly go, you are shouting, babe. You are. I get told that I'm shouting as well by Lou and stuff. But I call it enthusiasm.

Yes, exactly. You know, you think you're being funny or, you know, when you're sort of, I don't know, like, you think you're being amusing and it turns out you're not. You're just being aggressive. I get that all the time. I thought it was sort of a bit ironic. I thought I was doing irony.

They're like, no, you're doing aggression. Well, I did that the other day when she was going to have milk buttons, the oldest, and she's a four-year-old. And I went, I'll get you some. Yeah, I'll get you some. I'll get you some. And then I put a bit of broccoli on a plate. I went, there you go.

And she went, what? You wanted broccoli, didn't you? She went, no, I wanted butter. And I was like, okay, no, I'll do a bit of banter. A bit of banter, don't worry. There's the chocolate. And you're like, oh, no. Totally backfired. And you never know where their threshold of, like, tolerance. butter and i was like okay no it's a bit of banter don't worry there's a chocolate oh no totally backfired and you never know where their threshold of like tolerant like my friend

put the snowman on way too early traumatized their daughter because he melted at the end yeah you've really got to judge like you don't know until you know like some kids can watch you know edward scissorhands or something age four or yeah and other ones are like no i'm not ready for the snowman age three it's like you only know until you know you only you only find out by failing yeah have you got friends that aren't parents that are having like a really chilled time and telling you all about it or are you i've got friends that don't have kids that are sort of some of them are feeling a bit isolated you know lonely and stuff like that my parents are really missing their grandchildren so yeah same here it's really hard for them you know especially when you facetime them yeah we do a lot of zoom

and stuff and they can tell that they're great you know how grandparents can see the kids growing up they're like bloody hell they've reached up and you think are they i can't even tell yeah but they they really miss them they really miss them but no my childless friends are sort of, yeah, they're probably having quite a nice time. But everybody sort of has good days and bad days, whatever the sort of situation you're in. It's very up and down, and I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself if you're feeling good.

You shouldn't feel guilty about feeling good, and you shouldn't beat yourself up when you feel really down. Do you know what I mean? You sort of have to accept that you feel a bit blue today or you accept that you're happy today and just don't overthink it i think you don't want to be no i've got to feel positive you can't you can't bully yourself into being positive no absolutely i agree um kerry um uh have you had anything that you plan to do over lockdown you haven't done like there's anything that you've you set out to do if this ends tomorrow if they like went on the

news tonight and said right it's all we've got a vaccine now and the lockdown's over and you went back to normal life tomorrow i'd be like oh shit i'm not ready i'm not ready to go back you can't pick up a mic of a big cock finger can you you won't be able to get any gear out oh i could i could get five minutes out of my cock finger i mean you'll be lucky 30 seconds back so i can get out of mine i've got a definite solid five-minute routine all popping. Yeah, I mean, if you can't get five minutes out of your finger in the shape of a cock, give it up. It's a real shame, isn't it, to have a finger in the shape of a cock when there's no live comedy going on? What a waste for the world.

Just looking at it going, oh, you little bastard. So close to having the funniest finger in comedy and you're locked down. I'll ask you our final question, Kerry. Oh, look, my daughter's come in the room now. Do you want to ask her about my parenting? Oh, yeah, is your daughter there? Yeah, Elsie's here. Say hello.

This is Rob and Josh. Hello, Elsie. How's your mum doing with homeschooling, Elsie? I'm not. I haven't got her in a net lot. Is your mum a bit aggressive, Elsie, would you say, in the way she speaks? Yes.

I'm not! Because your mum says that it's just a bit, she's got lots of energy, but does it come across a bit aggressive sometimes and shouty? It's never energy. It's always aggressive. There we are.

If you could be our therapist, you could help us to communicate that. What would you say, what's your favourite quality about your mum, Elsie? Oh, bloody hell. This is a long pause, isn't it? Stop being aggressive. Let her think, Kerry. What's the best quality? You've got to get me the mic, I'll say.

Oh, my God. I know. This is terrible. What's my best quality? Food. Cooking. Food. Have you answered for your daughter there, Kerry?

She said it. She said it. She said it. I don't think it's aggressive, Kerry, but you sound quite alarmed all the time. Yeah. That's quality. It's like you're on a sinking ship and that's what's going to keep it up.

I've gone shrill, haven't I? Yeah, well, lovely to chat, Elsie, but she's a good mum, isn't she? Are you proud of her stand-up stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. That's called a conversation with a 13-year-old. Is that the best interaction you've had since lockdown?

Yeah, that's the most I've had out of her since mid-March. No, it's not. We've got a live argument. Is Elsie still there? No, she basically uses it. She went, can I Zoom my mates? And disappeared. So that's how this works.

Everyone changes. No, there we are. Look, look, look. This is a live teenage... You can see in the nature. OK. I was just asking. At least I asked.

There you go. There you go. Come on. I'm sorry. Really refreshing to hear, Kerry. Yeah, it's like being in Kevin and Perry. It's like being trapped. Kerry, the final question is,

has there been a highlight and lowlight of lockdown for you? A moment where you thought, oh, this is bliss, and a point where you thought, I can't deal with these kids. I can't deal with being in anymore. There's been, you know what, actually? I have had some really lovely moments where we've had some nice meals together and we've been in the garden. We set up a ping pong table outside.

The weather's been amazing, hasn't it? I mean mean that's a real gift the weather it's made such a difference so we were having a big game of you know table tennis and stuff like that so there's been some lovely moments where I have um I've thought actually usually life's so busy isn't it when you're sort of rushing around doing stuff it is quite hard to have those moments together so I've enjoyed that uh low points have been the school stuff I really feel like that's hard I haven't got GCSE maths I'm well out of my depth with I really am and I can't I just I can't fake it I can't pretend I know what they're doing the maths stuff yeah I just I'm I can't I'm at sea with that so that's frustrating

I can't do homeschooling. It's a lifestyle choice. And I made it a long time ago that we weren't doing that. What I find difficult is, I don't know if you find it, some people are good at a lot of stuff, aren't they? You take them gold for the first time, they can do it or whatever. I'm not very good at most things, but I'm very good at doing stand-up. I think I'm decent at doing that. And I do that all the time.

And that sort of gives you a bit of self-confidence you take into the rest of the world. Where I find when that's been taken away from you and then you're trying to do stuff like maths that you just can't do sometimes it affects your self-confidence a little bit because oh absolutely yeah no it's really definitely rocks your self-confidence because that's the thing is we're all chosen our sort of chosen field and profession and off you go and you go down that path suddenly it feels like you've been reset to do things that you're not really used to doing anymore you know so it's it's been a real challenge it is quite a big shift and i think everyone will come out of this a little bit changed you know a bit different i hope so yeah i hope so well it sounds like you're having a good

time so that's amazing you're having a good time just work on your daughter's having a good time and also as well like you say it depends where you put the bar. If you think you've got to come out of this with, like, you've written a novel and you've smashed parenting and la, la, la, you're going to be disappointed. You know, most of the time you have to just go day by day and make sure that you all stay happy and healthy. I know that sounds a bit cliche.

That is 100% the best way to think about it. I think if you're putting too much pressure on this time to be this kind of moment in your life when you took advantage of a bad situation to change everything for the better, then you're not going to achieve that. No. And if you are going to achieve that, please don't tell me about it. Oh, God.

Can you wait? Oh, those Instagram posts from wankers. I turned my life around in COVID. Fuck off. I don't want to hear about it. What a lovely way to end the interview. Well done, you. Kelly, well done, you, you fucking flash prick.

No, not Kelly's not a flash prick. Oh, don't throw me on the bash. We'll just edit that bit in. After every answer, we'll just have Rob saying, well, don't you fucking flash prick. Kerry, thanks so much. It's been great. Thanks, mate.

Thank you for asking me. I'm sorry that I can't be a bit more of a parenting guru. You're very insightful. That was Kerry Godleyman. Rob, are you an aggressive parent? Well, Lou says, I don't know if it's a working class thing or a South East London thing where Kerry's from, but I'm very loud and very enthusiastic about making points,

which my wife says I'm being aggressive, but I don't feel like I am. I feel like I'm enthusiastic. But after hearing Kerry to her daughter, and if I sound like that, it does sound a bit aggressive. So maybe I need to readdress how I speak. That was, it was a really amazing piece of luck that we actually got to hear it firsthand.

Yeah. And a better piece of luck that we haven't received a text from Kerry saying don't put that out, which I presume would be coming 20 minutes after the record. Well, yeah, I mean, it was interesting as well. We saw with older kids as well, like the dynamic changes where with our young ones you can't really talk to them properly about overreacting or going mad but when you've got like

a proper like young woman in your house they're having proper discussions like their colleagues at work yeah even though they're parent and daughter so it's so it's so interesting it made me wonder what i was like i don't know if I was a particularly difficult kind of teenager I don't remember it being like all-out kind of warfare not that I'm saying that's what Kerry's is but like do you know what I mean I remember it being were you an easy teenager or yeah I do think teenage boys are easier than teenage girls where they lock themselves in a room and wank themselves into a frenzy in my experience whereas girls are more emotionally mature and there's that sort of clashing and want to talk about things where boys just close up and don't want to think so my mum's main issue is that with

us was like oh you don't tell me anything where have you been what you do nothing mom leave me alone mom or where i think it's different with girls and i think yes it's just different relationships but yeah i don't remember it being all that warfare but there was a lot of people in my house a lot of stuff going on we played out I remember my mum and dad saying to me like oh so-and-so's coming to stay this weekend go and find someone's house to stay at and we'd have to go around like they're mates down the road to stay oh wow well like do you had a lot of people in your house didn't you how many brothers and sisters no but they're half brothers and sisters so they grew up in separately to me so it was like having cousins so I think I was pretty easy I think I um I don't think I wanted to talk about anything and the way that you say teenage girls do I think from the age of seven

I've never wanted to talk about anything like that no with anyone and that continues to this day yeah do you know what I always found the maddest and the Spice Girls would always do this oh yeah they'd always go um ah do you know what my mum's my best friend and I think you fucking loser yeah you're absolutely loser yeah I bet she's shit at Call of Duty how could she be your best mate how is your mum your best friend come on mate who's your second best friend the dinner lady what's going on here if my daughter said to me that i was her best friend i think i messed up here i've done some bad parenting here right uh if you want to get in touch with anything we've talked about in this episode for instance substitute toys that have got out of hand or stories of what you were like as a teenager then this is how to get in touch.

Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast and review us, Five Star Reviews. Give us some feedback. We're climbing up the charts again, Josh. We've gone back to number two, haven't we? Number two. We went down to three for a bit,

but I didn't mind. It's Catherine Ryan and she's really good. Ross Kemp's dropped like a stone a bit. Oh, delighted. Delighted to see off the Kemp cast. I battered him away. It's just Louis Theroux. But the problem, what I found is,

I had a quick look at our reviews. A lot of people have been going, yeah, you mentioned Louis Theroux so much. I listened to the podcast. It's quite a good one. I feel like we should not mention him anymore because I don't think that's helping our cause. Do you know what?

I listened to the first episode of Louis Theroux. What? I'm sorry. You're self-harming. You're self-sabotaging. He didn't mention us once. It's almost... I feel like us and Catherine Ryan are Man City

and Leicester and Louis Theroux is Liverpool. 20 points clear. But they can't sustain it. He'll stumble. He'll have a Watford. He'll have a Watford. He'll forget to book someone one week. He'll have an absolute stinker or absolute rotter of an interview on there and we can sneak up and grab first. We really, you know,

if you want to come on the podcast, we would love to be on the podcast. Let's get him on the podcast. Who's got his number? Let me try and get... No, Romesh has had him on something else. I'll get his number off Romesh. Now, Friday, we have a man with six children. Oh. Six.

Boris. Oh, lovely. Do you know what? I find it amazing that we haven't made a joke about Boris. I know. He's got so many kids. He'd be a great guest. Also, what a great guest he'd be

he's had a kid during lockdown he's our dream guest well we sure you don't do any fucking briefings anymore oh I'm doing one Sunday night oh yeah what are you a vicar

you're supposed to work every day you prick get him on here Jason Manford on Friday as well Jason Manford on Friday Boris Johnson after that thank you very much cheers

goodbye bye