Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP50: What's your favourite animal tongue?

Episode Date: October 16, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP50: What's your favourite animal tongue? More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavorful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelized onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell.

The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing.

Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... There we go, that's Siobhan and the boys. And I think that was Frankie, the three-year-old that's not sleeping at night. Oh, Frankie, mate. Frankie's sort of a bit of a cheeky, cheeky name, isn't it, a Frankie? Do you know what I mean? Frankies are all a little bit naughty. I think the name, you're more naughty than a Peter. Do you remember that guy that did Fame Academy that was like the bad boy of Fame Academy

and he dressed like the Strokes? Frankie Cocosa? Oh, no, no. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking x factor but there was a guy that did fame academy that was also a bad boy i think dated fern cotton at one point but frankie kokoza did he get thrown out of x factor for doing drugs i think so yeah allegedly allegedly i mean almost definitely he definitely was but we have to say allegedly for the law don't we we? I don't know if Frankie Kikosa is going to lawyer up. Take down Beckett and Widdicombe.

Come, Kikosa, we're ready for you. Let's settle this over a beer and a bag of gear. I think maybe they should try calling him Francis and see if that helps the sleep. Yes, Francis. Francis will go to sleep and then see whether that's the problem. Bedtime Francis down the park Frankie exactly even it up um that's good and what are those like Josh are there noises where are you I should deal with this um I'm not sure if I've discussed before but the uh my office wi-fi is

not good enough to record a podcast I mean what is the point of that office if you can't record this podcast in it rename it rename the room i don't know if you're aware of this rob i'm sure i'm not sure how across my um output you are but about six months ago i voiced a sky broadband advert about how you could get uh internet in every room of your house for sky broadband and now i'm a fucking victim of my own sales yeah but your your office is at an extension right at the top of the house, isn't it? Yeah, it's high up, yeah. But I don't live in the fucking Gherkin. No, but you're in like a townhouse thing, aren't you?

Yeah, but it's only on the second floor. I don't mean only, but I mean in terms of broadband. How many floors are there? Let's not go into that. You're a little Arthur Gherkin. You're a little mini pickle. Your little Arthur Gherkin. Your little mini pickle.

All I'm saying is having that lift installed was the best money I've ever spent. What room are you in now? I'm in the kitchen. Can you hear the following sounds? Can you hear a hoovering coming from the room above? No. Can you hear the... Oh, that's good. Can you hear the dishwasher bubbling away?

Yes. It sounds like football dishwasher bubbling away? Yes. It sounds like football boots in a washing machine. The loudest thing to wash, that, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, it's draining. It's draining. It's draining. That was actually my stomach.

I haven't eaten yet today. Oh, fair enough. No, it is draining. So I did say that we should start recording. We might as well say because I said it humanises us and I'm not going to lie it's backfired massively Rob hasn't it

no it does humanise you could you not surely you could repurpose one of your spare room as the office and the office is a spare room because I assume they're on the same floor oh no

I mean where's the router where's the router just behind the TV at the front window I mean I don't want to give I don't want to give too much away to burglars, mate. The worst place for a router, that is. Where are you keeping your jewellery? In the pillowcase. Terrible night's sleep.

It's safe. You need your router in the middle of the house or the top of the house. Mine's in the loft. Deal with it. You've got your router in the loft? I've got a router in the loft and a booster in the front room. That's how I live in my life oh right you need a booster just a booster on the second floor you're flying if you knew how much money i've spent on boosters in the last three

years what's your booster self boosters were tax deductible i wouldn't have given anything to hmrt in the last three years do you know the amount of people said have you tried a booster like like i'm gonna go what what oh yeah that sounds like a good it's like talking about hancock about track and trace have you tried excel or pay have you tried pages it's the apple so um we thought we'd do because we do often do emails and we thank you for all the emails they're all so brilliant but we also get loads of comments on our Instagram, don't we, Rob? Yeah, and DMs. You've slid into our DMs.

So we can do a little Instagram special of correspondence. Can I ask a question? I don't want to appear like an old man. Josh, come on. It's your vibe, isn't it? That's your thing. I'm leaning into it, I'll be honest, isn't it? So, you know, on Instagram, can anyone...

Oh, sorry, just the way you're saying it, it sounds so old. You know, on Instagram... How do I get my photos up there? I know. Could anyone send you a DM? I.e., have I got 250,000 followers, all of which have never wanted to DM me, or are somehow the DMms blocked not that i

want the dms but you know what i mean you can limit it so people can can't reply to your stories yeah stuff i don't know i said it but i think anyone so i can message boris johnson now could you go to like boris johnson's page and just message you can just and would it would he's not he obviously he's not running his instagram account, but were I to say I'm going to message. Yeah, I've just messaged him. I just messaged him, hey, hon. Well, we'll see if he gets back to you. Imagine if he does.

Not too bad. Busy week. Hope you will. So if someone, so if you can just DM anyone on Instagram. Yeah. Wow. But basically it all comes through and I think basically you can DM anyone and then you can like accept it or not accept it because you have requests and stuff.

But it's very difficult to manage. But we've managed to get it all down on paper. So we've got everyone's DMs and you're going to run us through some? Yeah, I've got loads of really good ones here. Apologies if some of these are going back a few weeks with different things because we got it all at once. But I've got a great story about the IVF sperm sort of deposit situation.

How old are these DMs going to be? Is there going to be stuff like two weeks into lockdown? I'm quite hopeful it's going to be over soon, guys. There's one here. Guys, can you change your name? I think lockdown's

pretty much over mid-August. There we go. We've got Claire Fleming has said said um hi just catch up with the podcast i apologize if it's a little late don't worry it's perfect for us we've only just got round to anyway i've just listened to the ivf wank stories what kind of podcast are we making josh the ivf wank stories um anyway i thought you let i thought i'd let you know my own version this is from claire i don't think that i don't think the females have to deposit do they i didn't know that was a part of ivf i thought it was more than man oh her husband my husband and i have been trying for a second

baby for two years with no luck so we were referred for tests obviously one of these required my husband to jizz in a cup i love this claire beautiful terminology uh anyway obviously one of these required my husband to jizz in a cup, but it had to be a fresh sample. Of course, you can't bring like two weeks. I've got one from two weeks ago, actually, if you want it. I've got a sock from 1997. Does that still work?

Anyway, yeah, so it has to be a fresh sample. Anyway, as we live 20 minutes away, it was clear we was going to have to do it just before we left the house. So he did it at home to take in. He went upstairs to do the deed whilst i was downstairs with our daughter apparently nerves set in and what was meant to be a quick job that only took a few minutes was taken slightly longer anyway long story short sky broadband that won't stretch around the house exactly he's up there on 4g anyway long story short my husband completed the task at the exact same second as his mum who was coming to babysit turned up and shouted hello loudly through the house so what was already a stressful journey to the hospital

with his sample was tainted by by my husband who couldn't speak because he was so traumatised at the fact that he had come to the sound of his mum's voice. Hello. Hello. Whoops. Hello. There it is. Oh, my word. Imagine that.

At that moment, your mum saying hello. I don't think you can use that because that child, you're going to bring up a child that's got trauma built into them in their DNA. Oh, yeah. Imagine that. Would it have an effect that early on the DNA, the shape? Yeah, the child would have like weird sex things where they'd have to hear their mum saying hello.

That would be what it would be. Oh, God, yeah. Hello. Oh, God, and again. In 18 years, a child would go, why have I got this weird thing? And they go, oh, we need to tell you about how you're conceived. Well, yeah, listen to episode 38 of Lockdown Parents in Hell. Which I think shouldn't be called that anymore,

even though we're on the 17th lockdown. It's 2034. We still can't leave our house. When are you going to change your name, lads? That is, that's awful that's all right i've got another one here from tarik 84 is the uh insta name uh hi robber josh you all right guys yeah i'm all right thank you you good josh cool oh actually yeah go on well i don't know whether he actually meant it as a question i was just i was i was thinking this yesterday but like i i

kind of did my first proper day back at work yesterday all right what since lockdown well as in I've been working I mean if you count this or if you count writing I've been working from home but like going into the studio and doing a proper day with people and stuff yeah yeah and actually you know I'm sure you're aware of this Rob I'm not one of those people that's desperate to that needs an audience all the time I mean he says that talking on a laptop in his fucking kitchen on a Monday morning so you did you started working properly and I think it really changes I didn't realize if I'm honest with you how much of my kind of even though I'm not one of those people that is like I need the audience man um how much of your

kind of self-worth and belief in yourself is tied into actually working and doing that work if you know what i mean massively yeah like and not even just because we're like performers in comedy but like just going somewhere whether you're like bus driver you work in an office or your salesperson just going somewhere to be good at something makes you feel good does it whatever it is you do it's not about not even about the audience just sort of going i did that job well and you have a sense of achievement in the day definitely and I think there's as part of you know working from home where even though you even if you're doing a similar job or the same job you don't get that feeling that you get you get no

praise no one goes oh well done on that or that was a good thing you did yeah no exactly and you get no interaction and actually I think that's like something I didn't realize I'd missed. And I think I was feeling quite a bit down because I wasn't working. Yeah, well, someone said that. You sounded a little bit down on one of the podcast episodes. But it's like that thing where you go to a meeting with someone, like a business partner or whoever it is, and then you leave the meeting and you go, oh, that was good.

Do you want to have a quick drink? Oh, well done. But when you just close your zoom down and you just sort of text someone was that okay do you know what i mean oh mate you lose that connection with people we do those last leg from home during the lockdown so i was in my loft i mean don't talk to me about the internet implications implications of that film. What boost did they use? They genuinely ran a lead up from the, from the bottom of the house to the top of the house. So you'd finished the show at 11 PM in your loft and you've had this huge adrenaline rush of doing this TV show. Yeah. And then you just walk downstairs and you're just like, it was like two minutes past 11 and you just go downstairs

and not having that kind of interaction with people you actually work with outside of doing work with them i think is really like i know people are talking about a lot about you know there's lots more working from home and i know all the positives but i do think seeing people it's really good yeah it's fun't it? People are really underrated. That's the thing. And I think that's the thing as well. That's why I felt like, not guilty or sort of like, wouldn't I lose a teacher and she's sort of had a career break

to have the kids and then be here for the kids when they're younger before they all properly go to school. And it's like, you lose that. If you're the stay-at-home parent, lose that community of like colleagues and bosses and the clients and people that you engage with interact and get a sense of achievement each day and obviously it is rewarding having kids but there's no you've got no boss or no colleague that's going oh well done there are there's no community you're all on your sort of like you're basically turning into a sole trader that has no customers apart from one child that can't speak.

And they have to be there. It's not like they're going to take their business elsewhere. You know what I mean? There's no appraisal or system. It's just, you're looking at them going, am I doing this all right?

How much am I messing them up in the future? So, you know, and that's what's really important about like, why people do coffee mornings and like NCT to try and build that little sort of network of people.

But yeah, you're right. Anyway, in answer to your question, Tarek, yeah, we're all right. Anyway, hi, Rob and Josh. You're all right, guys. We've covered that. On closest... Actually, I've got a few more thoughts on that. All right, guys, we've covered that.

On closest... Actually, I've got a few more thoughts on that. This is a message about what we call the Macy Gray syndrome. I have four kids, 16-year-old Brandon, Bella, who is eight, and twin four-year-old girls, Evie and Erica. Not that close, for sure. The closeness is for the grandmother. Right, so listen to this. My brother had twin boys, Vincent and Isaac, on the 20th of June 2017. My girls were born July the 10th 2017. And my brother had his daughter, Amelia,

on the 24th of August 2017. Only one, no twins this time. So our mother got five grandkids in the space of two months going from three to eight grandkids in this time. It is a nightmare to book in babysitting times due to the demand. Oh my God. That is brutal.

That is so intense. How do you, how as a grandparent, could you possibly spread yourself across those kids enough so that everyone felt like they was getting enough of you? You're thinking I've retired here. That's harder work than being at work. Now I'm childcare for two sets.

Is it two sets of twins? Two sets of twins and a solo. Is that what you call them a solo artist yeah and um yeah so basically as well and they've already had three because let's be honest the novelty is worn off by the third in it grandkids yeah i don't know if you've got exactly grandparents listening but surely by the third the novelty's gone in it yeah because isn't the point about being a grandparent you can kind of just do a bit and then you've got so much more time to spend with these little kids yeah but yeah so i that's oh that is not i mean i think it must be hard to unload a

pair of twins babysitting wise anyway yeah it's a tough ask to say i think when you have having two kids and asking someone to look after them a lot i think is that tough well i expect i'll speak to romesh about this he's got three and he they find it difficult to like get someone to have the kids overnight and stuff because it's like to give someone three children obviously his mum that would be three on one that's that's too intense exactly that is tough so yeah because we I'd I've got four brothers but the eldest two are a lot bit a little bit older so there would be three of us needing like babysitting so my mum my mum and dad always found it hard because we weren't that close to our grandparents to like find people to have us so oh yeah so what what do you do you look you and lou find it difficult to offload no we are really the wrong

word um re-home liberate restructure although we're very very lucky because both of our parents are both still alive and also really hands-on and love the kids and they're all retired so um we've got about 10 minutes away uh lose parents and my parents about an hour away so what we do is if we sort of split it so if we did want to go away somewhere we can drop them off at lose parents and then my parents will come up and take them and then have them at ours so we're really lucky and also the gym crash that they used to go to they're so lovely in there the the ladies that work in there that they do babysitting as well and you know sort of know that the kids know them and they're all like the offstead and chet crb checked at that crash so yeah it's quite a good setup so we're quite

lucky you actually haven't seen your kids in two months, have you? Yeah, no, I don't even know what they look like anymore. I couldn't spot them in a park. Is that one mine? It's blonde and annoying. Yeah, the teeth are big. Yeah, so yeah, we're quite lucky about that. What about you with babysitting and stuff?

Yeah, it's fine. Yeah. Do you know what? Yeah. So it's fine yeah do you know what um yeah so it's it's totally fine and also it feels like it's not no it's not my parents scratched a scab no no my parents live in heaven so they can't do it and then uh rose's mum will come and help out and she's really she's more popular with my daughter than i am which is slightly annoying oh yeah you know you've got you've got to put up

with these things. It's a bitter pill to swallow, isn't it, for childcare, that they start to love their nan and grandad more than you. It's so unfair. It's so unjust. Yeah. Anyway, but what's good is because her nursery, they let the people at the nursery babysit.

Oh, perfect. As long as you don't poach them. As like a full-time nanny? Yeah. Oh, imagine. Oh, I imagine. Oh, my God. It's like when Arsenal signed Sol Campbell. Imagine poaching.

You'd have to leave the nursery, wouldn't you? Yeah, but I tell you what, if you're going to ask someone who works at the nursery, if you were planning on poaching, you're going all in. Because if they say no and then report you, your name is going to be absolute mud. Oh, I imagine.

There must be some stories of people that have tried to poach and been either like successful or rejected that is a i think if you try and poach and they say no you then need to go into the nursery and before they've said anything you need to make a complaint about them so that it looks like that they are doing it you've just got to go all in and ruin their career rob that's the only way you can deal with it so if you did poach could would that would your child be banned from that nursery or or would they be allowed to drop them off but like when figo played at barcelona would they check like mobile phones and pig heads i think if you poach i don't i need to imagine sitting there it's such a middle class thing just sitting there

with like a malbec on a thursday night going i think we should i think we should poach sapphire she's wonderful with ebony so what you do is you meet the um you meet the nursery worker in like a dark car park at night yeah suitcase for the 50s suitcase for the 50s and you say look mate yeah i can make it worth your while yeah do you want to look after one child rather than 15 yeah with a pay rise yeah i should say just full disclosure there's been no poaching from my side well i would love to and it sounds like a great job but there is a Chinese family have come in with the Chinese Premier League money.

So I'm going to China. Playing all the parents off against each other, getting your fees up. That's it. As soon as China come involved, they just pay, like football,

it was all the Chinese money, NBA, the Chinese money. Surely there'll be, I'd love to get signed up by a Chinese podcast company. That'd be great, wouldn't it? Just an absolute fortune. anyway um that's the poaching situation at my nursery right i've got another one from billy jade um she says listening to your podcast on names that parents have given their kids my whole first name is billy jade to make matters worse my mom once said she wanted

a tattoo and i came up with, quite innocently, eight years old to have my initials at the bottom of her back. Oh, no. It's fair and understandable to say she never went through with having BJ tattooed above her ass. I thought she'd gone through with it unknowingly. Well, actually, what's even more difficult is Billy Jade's surname is actually question mark.

Right, do you want another one? Yeah. Okay, so this one, if you do read this out, please keep it anonymous. I love these ones. Just listening to your podcast, you asked if any parents had regretted their baby names. Well, I personally don't have kids. I'm 42 and blissfully sans crotch fruit. What's crotch fruit?

Is that like a... Is that balls? Sans crotch fruit. Cr's crotch fruit? Is that like a... Is that balls? Sans crotch fruit. Crotch fruit does sound like balls, doesn't it? I'm 42 and blissfully sans crotch fruit. Does that mean he's had a vasectomy? I listened to your podcast to reconfirm my choices. Yeah, he must have had a vasectomy.

Or he might have just had totally castrated. Totally castrated. Like absolute action man smooth bump. Yeah, he's sans crotch fruit. Fair enough. Well, anyway. Do write in if you're also sans crotch fruit. Sans crotch fruit, what a way.

I'm going to Google that phrase. Okay, you get an urban dictionary. Anyway, so. It doesn't come up. So quick. That was such, so quick. Such a stiff neck bit of speed that was. Research the point, finish joke boom straight

in and out of wikipedia right here we go anyway sans crotchet anyway a friend of mine gave her child now a young teen the middle name isis oh no oh yes oh no is i haven't spoken to them about it but surely that's a regret. Oh. Imagine that. Lovely to meet you. I'm Rob Taliban Beckett. But have they gone away now? I think you might have... They've gone away now. They have though, haven't they?

I don't know if just the news has changed. They've broken up. They've broken up. They've gone solo. ISIS. It's still going apparently. Oh, there's an Egyptian've gone solo. ISIS. It's still going, apparently. Oh, there's an Egyptian goddess called ISIS. Right.

You wouldn't call your child, like, Cuban Missile Crisis. That would still be a problem now, wouldn't it? The Great Depression. The Great Depression. That's what I was going through last week. Stephen the Miner Strike Smith. Yeah, you can't. I mean, it's stopped, but it still resonates with the meaning

doesn't it i think isis people always know what isis is yeah i think i think forever that word will have associations oh there's literally a there's a guardian article called what's it like to be called isis people ask where's your machine gun oh it's the egyptian god of fertility i mean middle name's fine because it's a bit bad if it was the actual name i would just on a hunch just not call your daughter isis for a bit yeah just don't use your middle name yeah well until 2014 it was a relatively popular name particularly in the us where it ranked in the top thousand baby names for girls of 15 years one year later it dropped off the list completely but then you know there are new new terms coming in doesn't like corona the beer corona now corona is just

coronavirus isn't it like but i still think that was around long enough to know of the beer and no one's confusing the two are they i mean i'm not i'm sure they're not confusing isis no one's like oh hello my name's isis we found her she's here so i don't think there's confusion. I don't think that's the problem, is there? No, I don't think there's any point where people are making... I don't think anyone's ever done a citizen's arrest. Imagine! I've got them! Don't worry! Don't worry about that! I'll hold you under the terror act. No, you're not going anywhere, lady. It's strange that this terrorist organisation

seems to be run by a six-month-old who lives in Swindon. It's always the ones you least expect, though, Rob. It's always the ones you least expect. If you ever learn anything from Homeland, don't trust anyone. Exactly. I've got another message here. Yeah. This one is from Kerry.

Anyway, hello. Hope you're both well. Listen to your most recent podcast i want to share i'm a midwife so we were asking about people and how obviously people having children closely together and about how soon after sex i think it was a robust vagina chat that we had josh um the sort of some would say ill judge someone say a conversation that's been needed for years but um i'd say progressive. Progressive. There's a couple of white guys talking about vaginas. Do you know what I mean?

That's 2020 in a nutshell. That is 2020 in a son's crotch fruit nut shell. Anyway, so she can confirm. Kerry, the midwife, can confirm. I have absolutely walked in on people, about three different couples mid deed following the birth of their babies going on with the world this is still in the hospital this is she's not gone around their house a week later this is i'm going to say fucking insane who are these people

who are these people all, so here we go. Does she mean on three separate occasions or was it one big kind of orgy? Yeah, it wasn't like a sex party. So three different couples. This is Kerry, right. If there's any other midwives, I want two things from this. I'll finish up.

Any other midwives that have seen this happen, right? Any other hospital staff that have seen this happen? And also, and you will not be judged, we'll keep it anonymous. If you have had sex at the hospital after you've given birth, please get in contact and let us know how, why and when. I will not judge you. I just want to understand.

Is that fair? I'm not against this. I should add that I will judge you. I'm not against this. Everyone's different and everyone's got different things going on. And you're not doing anything really illegal or wrong. It's just some people wouldn't choose to do that. But I just want to understand how and why, whether it was pre-planned,

spur of the moment, it was a contractual obligation. What's happened here? One of my questions is, is it the act of the birth that is the foreplay i mean i don't know i don't know if that or it's been so long that they haven't they just really want to or that they think it'll be funny or if it's like a bit naughty and the thrill of it it seems like something you wouldn't do it now well it sounds like the longer you go on with this speech you're actually getting quite into the idea okay right hands up after luther gave birth i had a wank in the toilet all right and i've just been for years trying to you know make sense of this and find some other people that find it sexy too okay the worst thing about that was your mum came to visit the newborn baby

said hello just didn't sound as visiting as yet no i did not have a wanker toilet but anyway this is kerry said so the three people three couples she found two of the couples were in the hours that they left the labor ward okay so this could have been the next day or two days later so but they're being kept in yeah yeah yeah because you're still they're still in a hospital They're in the eye of the storm, should we say. Yeah. But one couple was sick. So they were the people just before they left the ward, right? And the other was about six hours post-birth.

Jeez Louise. And when I went in to see if she needed any painkillers, suffice to say she didn't. Kerry said, I can't answer why people do it it I can't think of many things less sexy than birth but there we are so you know please if you have or if you know of anyone that has we'll keep it anonymous we just want to understand the motivation behind it you know and just yeah so please get in contact it's a strange phenomenon that I would never have guessed happened. And do you know what?

I presumed that first discussion of it was based on a lie. But now, obviously, it turns out it is true. It is a thing. Why would Kerry lie? Three separate occasions,

she's, oh my God. Imagine getting caught having sex by a nurse. Oh my God. That's probably what they want, these kinky bastards. No judgment, no bastards. No judgment, no judgment.

No judgment, no judgment. Please get in contact. Do get in contact, particularly with Rob. Yes. He really needs to resolve some issues. We need to get this worked out.

I've got two slightly more fun, less sexy ones we can finish on, Josh. Yeah. First of all, the cow tongue revelation. People are absolutely going mad for it. This is just one of many messages.

Hey, went to the farm with my two-year-old. She enjoyed the cow's tongue. Thank you for the tip. The pic doesn't do it justice. And I would like to say, if you have never experienced a cow's tongue live in the flesh whilst feeding it, you've got to. Kids love it. And I can't believe there's children out there that have never seen a cow's tongue. in the flesh whilst feeding it you've got it's just you've got to

kids love it and i can't believe there's children out there they've never seen a cow's tongue you've got to see it live it's like Cirque du Soleil you cannot watch Cirque du Soleil on youtube you've got to be in the room same with a cow's tongue i've always said it um so yeah get yourself down to a local farm and see a cow's tongue that was one of the most local radio things i've ever heard in my life we've got uh sandra here from teddington and she's popped down to a farm to see a cow's tongue lovely day autumn right here's the stranglers we're asking today what's your favorite animal tongue do a text or email in banner aside giraffes are quality,

but that's more of a niche cow tongue. Do you know what I mean? Not a niche cow tongue, just a niche animal tongue. You get a different view as well, don't you? Because you're so far below it, you get to see the underside of the tongue. Yes, port lymph is a great kids' day out, by the way, if you want a bit of giraffe tongue.

But, you know, let's not go into too much detail about this. Rob, I implore you to check the WhatsApp group, because our producer Michael has just sent an astonishing message. I once saw a giraffe giving itself a blowjob on Savara. Wow! Of course, the neck! You don't need a rib maroof, do you, when you've got a neck like that? Oh, my God.

I mean, is this a low point? I've just typed in giraffe tongue blowjob. I'm going for it. Please don't. Oh, no. I don't want this to be used as evidence when you're defending yourself in court, Rob. No, it's just gone to women and men now. Oh, someone's done anime of a giraffe sucking them off.

Okay, right, let's get back to the messages. I've got a lot of apologies. Oh, my God, I'm going to have to clear history after that. That is awful. I think there's a, oh, God, right, there's a lot going on there, yeah. Do you think you're the only person that's ever looked at what you've just looked at on the internet and thought, this actually isn't what I wanted. I wanted more giraffes involved.

It's a bit too human heavy for me this uh right anyway let's let's do this one we'll finish up um right here we go hello i have a small story about my son thomas thomas maybe t-o-m-o-s thomas i think i'll go for anyway many years ago when it was time to get rid of his dummy before he started preschool my wife had the idea of telling him that the bin monster had taken it away the bin monster is the bin lorry fast forward a few months my wife was in town and my son and while they were waiting for the bus my son casually walked up to a binman and kicked him in the legs and said you stole my dummy my wife was mortified kind regards gerald or gerrit that is absolutely brilliant excellent stuff i mean yeah we've done was mortified. Kind regards, Gerald, or Gerrit.

That is absolutely brilliant. Excellent stuff. I mean, yeah, we've done that with dummies where the dummy fairy takes it away. So you put them all in a box at the front door

and then in the next day they're gone, but they've left a little, the dummy fairy's left a little present. What was it? Giraffe's tongue? It was 15 dummies,

actually. It sort of didn't really work. It sort of really, really shut ourselves in. Made them out of work of really, really shot ourselves in the foot with that one, actually. It was a dummy, a nappy to put back on. Quite regressive. Well, I tell you what, we've got loads more Instagram stuff. We may be doing another Instagram special next week so we can catch up with all the correspondents.

So feel free to send us a DM. Yeah, although I'm not sure whether you'll be able to get on the Instagram because your internet is going to be limited from now on for legal reasons. Yeah. I mean, I've got, you know, Oh,

Michael's got, Oh no. Michael's got a photo of the giraffe BJ. I've got a photo. Send it. Oh, can we put that on Instagram with that? Unless there's a nipple.

I think he's all right. And it on Instagram, that's the rule, isn't it? Yeah. We'll find out. I mean, we may or may not put up a photograph of a giraffe

sucking itself off and i'll just say we'll let you know when it goes out keep posted because it may be taken down immediately and this may not be on on podcast yeah you're gonna need to you're gonna need to screen grab it pretty swiftly but if you've got you know if you want to get in contact have you got any uh stories or funny things you want us to mention or any you know photographs of animals tongues and blow jobs let us know this is how you can get in touch email us hello at lockdown parenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdown parents or instagram lockdown underscore parenting and you can also send us stuff p.o box 7 Box 76748, London E99DW. It was an absolute pleasure today, Rob.

I hope that your eyes recover. I do look forward to finding out more on the sex in hospitals and animal tongues. Yes, please let us know if you've had sex straight after birth. It'll be great. No judgement. We'll keep you anonymous and we just want to understand and not judge.

I would say the amount Rob's saying no judgement does imply that he is judging. No, not at all. Does anyone also, be fine, if anyone knows if they can get me a VPN blocker for my search history that would be handy. Thank you very much.

We'll see you on Tuesday. Bye!