Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP54: The old five knuckle shuffle

Episode Date: October 30, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S01 EP54: The old five knuckle shuffle More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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indulgent experience. Treat your senses with Nuolite Indulgent Moisture Body Wash. Buy it today at major retailers. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell, the show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills. Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting How with... Josh. Widdicombe. Say Widdicombe. Widdicombe.

And Rob. Rob. Beckett. Beckett. Well done. Don't know if you heard the well done there. That is a recording of my 25-month-old son, Errol. 25, Mum, just say two.

Just say two. 25, Mum, fucking hell. That is from Amy Cropper. Just say two, Amy Cropper. That was quite mesmerisingly beautiful, I found. Yeah, it was nice. The energy between those two, that is the complete opposite of how my house operates.

Yeah. How is your house operating, Rob? Just say Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe. You've heard it before. You've met him. Say Josh. Just say Josh.

Josh, you're going to do it or not? You're not going to do it? All right, no iPad. All right? How's half term? Half term. The problem with them going to school is when they're in school,

it's amazing, but when half term hits, you've've lost it's like you've never parented before i just can't remember what i do what i did i don't know how this works anymore and they're getting cleverer it's like dinosaurs in jurassic park you know they're sort of evolving and becoming more intelligent so it just makes it harder to manage yours yours like a full year nursery in it yeah I mean I'm not gonna lie those two weeks over Christmas Rob oh they are tough well like that's the thing I think what it hits other people hard especially because I'm trying to work from home and they're running about and do stuff and I'm going away but like for you as well like it's gonna you're really gonna notice it I don't know what your plans are so like when she starts school are you gonna

in half term because you can't take a week off work are you gonna just have her at home or you're gonna put her in that nursery again no no no where do you put it would be bizarre to put her in that nursery again she'd be older than everyone when she's 12 just pop in there they've got some lovely they've got some lovely duplo for you to play with just smoking worrying about a sats but i don't want the people you know well yeah no i know it's like weird it's like the six weeks over summer oh my god my parents never let on how bad it was that kind of thing do you know what i mean like yeah well i think my parents just sort of let us go in the street, but you can't do that now. That makes sense.

It's the play around the back of the houses, but I think, um, I forgot that you grew up in Coronation Street. No, well, where we grew up was like a little close. So it was,

oh, Brookside. Sorry, my mistake. Jimmy Cargill. So it was, there was a lot of cars. Yeah. So it was just pin just you have to worry about yeah we

used to we used to kick the ball around in the on the street actually we'd kick you kick the ball around and then i sound like i'm like the kid from the hovis advert or whatever yeah but you wouldn't realize how dark it had got you'd literally just kick the ball around until it was pitch black and then you go inside it was great does that not happen anymore well i remember doing headers in the street when it was raining and i'd be a slightly longer and went let's do maldini headers so as you headed it like your hair went everywhere in the rain yeah that's such a bleak thing to do we didn't have ipads rob we had a football and wet air and we made that into a game.

But Lou said to me, Lou went, February, I don't care what we do or where we go, but we are not being in this house for a week. Yeah, I think that a lot of people do go away. Like, I didn't really realise it was half term. And then I was like on my Instagram and I was like, why is there so many photos of so many of my friends having a shit time on a cold beach? Like they just thought the kids are in school. Let's pop down to Dim Church. Well, that's why it's so expensive.

People will pay a premium to go somewhere with their kids rather than everyone just go mental in the house. Totally. Anyway, but I'm all right. It's all good. I had a bit more sleep, so I'm backfiring on all cylinders now, John. Yes, here we go. Well, we've got loads of good emails, Rob.

I thought we could blast through them. Let's do the emails. Let's hear from the people. Let's hear from the people. You know, we've talked about bad names. Yes. I don't believe the timing of this. I mean, it's an astonishing name,

but, you know, I consider myself someone who's got a knowledge of popular culture, and I don't think that she's got the timings right. But I'll read it out anyway. I love the podcast. I was listening to episode 46 and wanted to email in about a ruined name. I went to school with a girl

who had one of the most unfortunate names. She was called Wednesday Adams. Oh, no. As in the Adams family? Yeah, as in the daughter from the Adams family, right? I'm from Hillsborough, Sheffield. So she was actually named after the local football team, Sheffield Wednesday.

Oh, but then the parents didn't know about the Adams family. But she's put, this was in the early 90s before the Adams family became as famous as they are today. It was really famous for years. And it wasn't just a film. It was like around in the 70s or the 60s or whatever. And I imagine if your surname is Adams, you may have heard of it a bit more than someone that was called Baker.

Yeah. It would be more involved in your life. We're just like, here he comes at work, surely. Exactly. Astonishing. Wednesday Adams. That is an unfortunate name. Well, it's not unfortunate.

I think it's their own fault. Yeah, they deserve that for their child. The worst name, surely, has got to be anonymous call your kid anonymous and then it's just it's just like they're constantly phoning radio stations constantly sending emails into podcasts anon for short but this is anonymous adams constantly phoning out with terrorist threats that kind of thing yeah um by the way i should, Rob, I didn't say this last time. I was talking to the producer who told me an interesting fact, that our demographics over the time we've been on air have swung.

So it used to be 52-48, which, of course, is a very famous split between men and women. Okay. And now we're 60% female listenership, Rob. The men are dropping. Or the women are gaining. You can see it either way. The romance is a half full, half empty approach to that.

No, I think that it is women are gaining. So I think women are more likely to go, oh, there's this podcast you should listen to where men don't like to communicate, do they? No, yeah, exactly. Where I think they'll be like, oh yeah, I like Joe Rogan. I do too, but I also like to hear about parenting, okay?

Because I'm a modern man. Yes, sure. I will watch Bare Knuckle Fighting on YouTube, but I'll also Google the best nappy. You Google the best nappy? What is the best nappy to stop them shitting? That's It's the best nappy to stop them shitting. That's what I want. You can't stop them shitting.

That's a cork you need. I've got some information for you. This nappy, they don't ever go. It's always dry and clean. Oh, that's good for 60-40 women. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? My friend said that his sister lives in the south of France.

And he was like, oh, Will Briggs. You know Will Briggs, obviously. Oh, yeah, I know Will. And he said his sister lives in the south of France. He was like, your podcast is massive with the south of France mums. Oh, wow. Really? Oh, my God.

We should do a live from Saint-Tropez on a yacht. Have I told you about Will Briggs' story? I could tell this quickly because we need to get back to parenting i was doing a gig for him in bristol it was a big like outdoor gig so just like a normal gig but in a big like tent lovely gig in the middle of summer but also i said i can do it but in i'm also doing a i was hosting a conference for a company in bristol so i said i can do it but as long as i'm on first because i've got to go and do the sound check at the conference and I'll come to you do the gig and then I'll go back to host the conference okay so it's all fitting in fine anyway the woman organizing the conference was very worried that

I wasn't going to get there and back so she said oh my my staff can go with you to you know chaperone you there and back okay I was in a black tie tuxedo and everyone at the event obviously was in ballroom dresses and like you know just black tie stuff and i was gonna go to the tent in the middle of this park and get changed into sort of normal stage clothes do the gig get changed come back anyway the chaperones were this woman's 16 year old daughter i think mavin 15 and her mate in cocktail dresses and i was like it'll be fine i can get there on my own so now i've arrived right at the gate of a park dressed in a tuxedo with two 15 year old girls i was gonna say women they were girls right i'm walking okay i'm and Will goes, what is going on? I went, it's not wow it looks.

I'll explain later. Could they sit there and wait while I do the gig? He's like, yeah, right. And then he went, do you want this? And then I went off to get changed. He went, does anyone want a drink? I went, they can't drink, they're 15. And then I did the gig, and then they chaperoned me back,

and it was so awful and awkward. But I was just like, this looks horrendous. They were dressed like it was the Oscars and I was in a park. Everyone was in just t-shirts and Converse. Anyway, sorry. It's good to know that we're big on the South of France scene. It is lovely to know we're on the South of France scene.

If there's any other Big Mums scenes around the world, then just, you know, let us know. Big Mums scenes? Yeah, sorry, that's not right. Yeah, just loads of mums that are massive. She's six and three. That sounds like a very strange Google search. Yeah.

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for a limited time. This is from Amy Lewis. Now, this goes back to nose stroking. Oh yeah, the secret to sleep. Yes, stroking your baby's nose. This is amazing. Regarding the nose stroke, I'm 30 years old and I'm amazing. Regarding the nose stroke, I'm 30 years old,

and I'm living proof that the nose stroke works. Apparently, my mum used to stroke my nose to help me to sleep, and it still works to this day. Really? To the extent I often ask my fiancé to stroke my nose if I'm struggling to sleep. Oh, no, that is... You can't.

Even though it works, you just can't. Even now, I get my mum to come round now, even though we're in tier two, to stroke my nose. Do you know what, though? If you knew that worked and you had, like, an important day the next day and you couldn't sleep

and you know you've got to be up because you've got to cry on ITV or whatever it is, right? Would you be tempted've got to be up because you've got to cry on itv or whatever it is right did you do you get would you be tempted to say to look you've just got a stroke my nose to get to sleep oh my god no i mean no i just couldn't bring myself i mean it depends how quickly and effective the no stroke was if we're talking 15 minutes of no stroking no deal but if it's like a seven stroker and then you're gone, it's probably worth it. Do you, do you have any things that like to get you to sleep? I have the duvet completely over my head, which some people think is quite weird.

Whoa. So are you laying face down or face up? I'm laying on my side. Okay. Not face down. Not head into the pillow. No, but I lay on my front, but my head to the side. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Basically like that. I'd say I lay kind of half between side on and front on okay and then duvet over my head with just the nose and mouth exposed for air that's mental that's some sort of that's some sort of fetal panic anxiety position do you think what you're wearing naked or pants uh pants and in the summer if the duvet is too hot i'll just put it over my head so i'll have my body out but still duvet overhead if the duvet is too hot, I'll just put it over my head. So I'll have my body out, but still duvet overhead. No. Because that's the way to get to sleep. No.

Duvet overhead? Really? Yeah. Wow. Do you still have a thick duvet or just a thin duvet? No, a thin or a sheet. Even a sheet. Anything.

Yeah, because that's the thing. Yeah. Well, I sleep naked. Do you? Yeah, completely naked, yeah. But I just find pants restrictive. It's terrible if you fall asleep on a train. Am I right find pants restrictive. Is that a terrible way for you to fall asleep on a train? Am I right, guys?

There's a nightmare on those long-haul flights. Dick out. You've got your duvet over your head. You both get arrested in Singapore. If you have any weird ways that you now sleep or if you've got any weird techniques you use for your child to get to sleep, this thing that plays the Gruffalo stories, mate, is like absolute magic. What is it?

So what is it? So it's a box, and you put the card in, and it's like a cartridge in a kind of... So is this what you use to get her to sleep? We got it for her birthday, and now you pop one on when she's going to sleep, and she's out like a light. Yeah, wow. And now you pop one on when she's going to sleep and she's out like a light. Yeah. Wow. Well, my best way for me to sleep, if I'm playing golf,

I know I'm boring if I'm playing golf, but playing golf, you're so tired, your body aches. So having a shower after playing golf and fresh seats, that is a godsend to sleep, isn't it? That's like the dream scenario. I'll just have a shower. I've had a long day playing golf. I'll get into clean sheets and then have a yogurt.

And I've always done it like that. What? In the bag? No, I'm joking. I said it the other week about getting rid of poo in the potty and have a yogurt. And now I keep saying it at the end of everything. As the reveal.

And I have a yogurt. I don't know why i wave out sorry i mean silly um but yeah that's interesting the little the head cover you make this bloody podcast silly why don't you you know we're trying to seriously discuss whether you can stroke someone's nose and they can go to sleep i want to see a scientific study i'm sick i'm bored of like nasa and that announcement about water on the moon was such an underwhelming announcement i already thought there was who cares we're not short of water here no in fact we're getting more and more as the uh as the sea levels rise yeah as

those polar ice caps melt we're getting loads of the stuff what are you looking for here you know just appreciate what you got on your doorstep. Right. Carls. Oh, Caris. Sorry, Carls. I thought Carls was an odd name. Hello, my name is Caris, and I'm a 19-year-old childless uni student. I'd like to complain about four years ago

when I was taken to a gig by... No. In Bristol? In Bristol. Rob Beckett. I'm a parent's first child, and when I was a few months old, my mum had her first night back out with the girls,

much to my dad's dread. Everything was running smoothly. They are the worst nights out. First night out after a baby, they are the people that ruin comedy gigs the most. Yeah. I do wonder whether, you know, when we go back on tour,

are we going to have a really different demographic after this podcast? Well, I think our tour shows might, but I going to have a really different demographic after this podcast? Well, I think, I think our tour shows might, but I think if we do a live version of this, it's going to be like, it's almost going to be like a sort of like a cult of just people. There's just going to be loads of tired people that hate their kids.

They're going to be at the bar and they're going to go, we've run out of white wine. There's no more flights from the South of France to Hammersmith. It's like when England when England play the Euros. We're going to have to go via Prague. Right. I'm my parents' first child. Yeah, so everything was running smoothly.

By all accounts, I was a very easygoing baby, bragging, but I was starting to teethe. This didn't faze my dad. He knew what to do. He went to the cupboard and got out what he thought was bongela, put a tiny bit on my gums, and then put me down to sleep. On his way out of the room, he realized he'd picked up carvol, which is like all-bass oil instead of bongela.

Oh, my God. So what would you do here, Josh? Would you wait for the screams or would you try and rub it off straight away? Yeah, I'd maybe get a load of water. Yeah. He immediately rang 111 and their response was, I don't mean

to alarm you, sir, but an ambulance is on its way. Oh no! I need you to stay on the phone and watch for any foaming of the baby's mouth. Oh, no. How old is the baby? A few months.

Oh, my God. Oh, my. That is just... Oh, so what happened? Well, she's emailed in, so she must be all right. She died. Oh, no. This is written from beyond the grave.

The ambulance came and took me and my dad to hospital. I was absolutely fine. And they sent me home once they'd checked it over. We got home before my mum. And when asked about how his first night alone with the baby was, he responded, yeah, fine. She was no problem. He told my mum years later when he felt it was safe to do so.

Oh, my God. That is, I don't think I could live for that secret no awful it was probably the right thing to do because you'd only have worried but then i think you should tell someone if you've had to go to the hospital with the baby i think that morally you should do you think yeah yeah just because if anything because there may be future side effects down the line or when you go to a doctor appointment they look at medical history and they'll be like oh obviously because of the incident at five months what incident but what that is balls of steel from that man to not crack for years at what point would you have texted lou in that situation oh my god i mean of course so you have to pick the point

you don't want to be texting lou yeah um, all good. Just checking for foaming of the mouth. I'll let you know if I see anything. You know, enjoy Wagamamas. You can't. You have to pick a point you inform them because you don't want to worry them too much. But then also as well, if you are back and they were like, oh, it's all absolutely fine. Maybe it was just so like, we're bringing you to check, but it's obviously absolutely fine. Nothing's done.

Baby's fine. Just go home. It doesn't really feel like there's much to say because it was a precaution. It wasn't like something happened and it got fixed. He did that by accident and then there was nothing happened from it, but they just got the baby in as a precaution to double check. So it is a bit like, well, what do you say? Apart from like, I'm a complete idiot.

Oh, God. I just, I just, oh, my word. But then I'll be like, what do you say? Apart from like, I'm a complete idiot. Oh God. I just, I just, oh my word. But then I'll be like, what else has happened? He's not told me. Well,

exactly. If you can keep that kind of secret, you can keep another type of secret. Cause that's the thing with a three month old. There's literally no witnesses to the crime. Oh my God. That's one of the darkest things you've ever said. Right.

Yeah. Let's move on. This is from, uh, Sean Aikeniken my children olivia and zander 11 and 8 now when olivia was one her nursery arranged for a sleep expert to come in one evening to talk to parents experiencing any issues our issue was that she wouldn't let us really leave the room after we put her down and a great tip on that was to have a cushion by the bed that you sit on until she's asleep every few nights edge it towards the door then out of the door long landing down one step at a time and then shit to the living room what it took a few weeks but worked a treat anyway

hearing rob talk about occasionally taking babies out in the evening for a drive reminded me of another couple from the nursery that came to the consultation. Their baby, who was about eight months old, only, in capital letters, slept whilst being driven in the car. Only? Only.

So for several months, they've been taking it in turns to drive the baby around in two-hour shifts. No. Every night. No. I mean, you'd have to change career. Just in two-hour shifts. No. All night, every night. No. I mean, you'd have to change career. Just become a lorry driver.

How long does that go on for? That is mental. Oh, my word. Some people, I don't class myself as a great parent. I think I'm a good parent and I try my best, right? I'm not like some sort of super parent here. But some people, I hear about what they do with their kids. I feel like grow a set of bollocks and stop that kid dominating your life.

Some of the stuff you see, and you're just like, how is that kid getting away with that? I want to intervene and she'd be like, shut up. No, it ain't happening, but you can't,

can you like in the middle of the shop? I'm not going to lie to you. I've heard how much your children affect your life. Never have I met someone with less self-awareness in your life. Never have I met someone with less self-awareness in my life. But I am not

driving them that's what I'm saying I'm not great but I'm good. I'm not driving them round for two hour shifts. What started off as a last resort thing

had become their nightly routine and they've been doing it for months. Oh God. Needless to say the rest of us with issues soon shut up about them as they paled in into insignificant compared to the couple that's the thing in it all parenting is is trying

to find someone who's got it worse off than you yeah it's like it's like being in a queue you know when you're in a queue yeah how much better you feel when people are behind you in the queue yeah parenting is or the worst thing is if you get the back of the queue and then no one joins that queue for 10 minutes you're like well i could have had 10 minutes of just not being here couldn't i i could have stood somewhere else for 10 minutes oh god that is that car thing's insane but that's it you just try and find someone else who's having it harder than you from a behavior point of view and then you just tell your partner and then have a bottle of wine oh my god uh would you like calming down with some music yeah go on let's have some music

so this is from christopher hyde i enjoyed listening to the doc brown episode this week particularly the discussion around getting your children into music that you love like josh i'm a blur fan when he was at it as his topic on mastermind i got the exact same score as him it's actually quite annoying oh how did you did you win mastermind yeah i did i did you beat i'd be um well the person who came second was uh a uh actor from emmerdale and she uh when the show had finished yeah uh quite bitterly said to me that my questions had been easier than hers what was her topic black books which has only got 12 episodes or 16 episodes or something so come on, mate. Oh, yeah.

Bill Bailey, that show with Dylan Moran. Yeah. That's two points. That didn't come up, actually. Yeah. But then sometimes the easier topic, they go harder on you. Like I saw Chris Ramsey do it with Sopranos. It was so hard.

It was like, in episode 13 of series six, what colour pen does Tony use to write the check? I was there that day. He was the episode before me. All right. And they asked him an art question about which artist or something. And he said, Rolf Harris, which wasn't correct. And it was actually probably quite problematic for the edit.

Good on him. I'd love to see mastermind edit what kind of person that's like that's a tough job isn't it i suppose you're not trying to make it funny i don't know no no you're not adding laughs no pump it up there shall we what who else was on it with you um katherine mary the 400 meters runner Yep. I've got it here. Sian Rhys-Williams. Sian Rhys-Williams. Catherine Merry. Catherine Merry, yeah.

Yeah. And Nick. Nick Baker, that's it. Wildlife is a lovely name. Oh, my God. Nick Baker's about nine foot tall, isn't he? Everyone thought he was going to win. But he went with one of those topics that was really tough.

He went with someone who's not Charles Darwin, but someone involved in the theory of evolution. Oh, you have been absolutely stitched up with this photo. Have you seen the photo on the BBC website? No, of course not. I'm going to send it to the group and we'll put it on Instagram. You look, you look, he's obviously taller than you anyway, but you look like a borrower.

It's mental. Absolutely insane. What? Can you see it? Yeah. You know when I was talking about evolution, that looks like the kind of ascent of man. They were more intelligent back in the day

but they slowly go thicker and bigger. Wow, look, they all look such a's such a serious show, isn't it? They look like those Russian dolls. Is that taken before or after? Well, it's difficult to tell. I'm not holding my trophy. No, exactly. How small am I?

You look like their child. It looks like a documentary. You know, where it talks about a man that's got two wives and one son. We'll put that on the group. that'll be a bit of fun right sorry any more any more oh no i haven't finished this email oh we were talking about getting kids into the music you like. Yes. So he said, I'm wondering if any of you had heard of the Rockabye Baby series. They are lullaby versions of different songs by bands. Oh. Now my friends Danny and Lucy got us the Blur CD of this.

So they've done it for loads. Do you want to hear Elton John? Yes. Yeah. Do you want Goodbye Yellow Brick Road? I'll go on then. I like it. It's nice, isn't it?

Shall I give you a couple of songs and you've got to guess what the songs are? Bit of fun, bit of fun. Is this another one? Yeah, this is a different band. Stairway to Heaven. Oh. Stairway to Heaven. Oh, yes, it is. This is the... That's great.

I like that, isn't it? It's so much better. The shit baby bump. This one I've not heard, but I'm really excited. Where can I get this? And where can I burn everything else that they listen to? Oh, I've just got it you can buy the CDs so they'll do CDs

of all the different bands alright but this is it's also if you write Rockabye Baby into Spotify was that birds

yeah right I'm going to move this escape from reality Right, I'm going to move this on. Escape from reality. Open your eyes. Do you reckon I can ask to do the vocals? Yeah, I think Rob Beckett sings Rockabye Baby. It's probably a Christmas... I mean, if Bradley Walsh and Alexander Armstrong

could get number one albums, I'm sure you could. There we go. That is good, isn't get number one albums. I'm sure you could. There we go. That is good, isn't it? Really good. I like that. That's because that is what sends you a bit loopy. But if you can have that on in the car, it's quite calming and you'll enjoy it. And it's quite a fun game for the adults to guess the song.

If you put it on shuffle. Everyone's a winner. So that is Rockabye Baby. What a tip. If you want to get your uh kids into popular music yeah okay swearing children popular music music from 50 years ago yeah there's more up-to-date ones but obviously shut up stormzy on it uh no they haven't got they haven't got stormzy uh they've got like um they've got taylor swift i saw there. All right, fair enough. So a few more. One Direction? Yeah, yeah. We've got Adele.

Oh, okay. All right, all right. All right, all right. All right, all right. Right. This is from Bobby Robertson. Oh, the left back for Dundee in 1972. Bobby Robertson, what an old school name.

So, hi, lads. Not so much a swearing child story, more a child getting his words wrong. Went on holiday in 2016, walking near Newquay Beach. My 12-year-old lad, Joe, was arguing with his four-year-old brother, William. Lots of your ginger... Josh, can I just stop you for a second? One second.

I have just found a footballer called Bobby Robertson that played for Dunfermline Athletic. Your knowledge of football is better than even you knew. And he was a solid left back. That's so weird, isn't it? This is like doing a podcast with Yuri Geller. Sorry.

Sorry, let's go back to that. Sorry, I'll stop Googling Bobby Robertson. Go on, carry on. Sorry. Sorry, I'm so sorry. It's fine. Went on holiday 2016

walking in Newquay Beach. My 12-year-old lad, Joe, was arguing with his four-year-old brother, William, lots of your ginger, you smell, et cetera, et cetera. The four-year-old wouldn't let up. The 12-year-old then lost it and shouted at him so loud that everyone could hear, if you don't stop now, you'll get a five-knuckle shuffle.

Oh, my God. And it's the older one as well you don't stop bullying me i'm gonna wipe you off the wife and i burst out laughing along with everyone else in earshot and the arguing just stopped the kids were none the wiser now 16 joe died with embarrassment every time we remind him. Yeah, luckily, William still has no idea. There we go. Absolutely superb stuff. Oh, William. We're looking for, you know, any of those things. Yeah, if your kids ever threaten to whack someone off

in a fit of anger on Newquay Beach, get in touch. Exactly. And do you know why it doesn't have to be Newquay Beach? We'd accept Tembi. Right. Dear Josh and Rob, don't read my name please okay uh keep this anonymous I'll be in trouble otherwise on the theme of birth and sex um oh god here we go not quite post-birth but still worth a mention I was with a couple who attended hospital in early labor

I talked through all the usual techniques to manage get things moving go for a walk have some food have a rest have have sex, et cetera. We agreed they'd go home and wait for things to progress. I went out for a minute to write up my notes. When I returned to send them home, they'd wedged an armchair under the door handle and had taken my advice to have sex to get things moving. Oh, my God.

I've learned my lesson now. I make it super clear my advice is go home and have sex watching an armchair underneath the door handle that is not supporting the nhs what i would say is though i i understand sex before to get the baby out obviously way more than immediately after having a baby because yeah i don't know how your wife was but my wife wanted the baby out of her more than anything in the world so I can almost imagine I think sometimes with the sex after birth it's sort of imagine that it's male-led but I think this very much would be mum screaming at dad to be do me now so this baby comes out we don't have to do the commute and I would I would have done that I think I could

you're a gentleman you're a gentleman and a scholar I think I could have done that. You're a gentleman. I had a scholar. I think I could have been forced into doing that by Lou if she had the look in her eyes of a hormonal, heavily pregnant woman. Yes, yes. I wouldn't argue. I just think the embarrassment once you'd finished of then having to kind of remove the chair. Oh, God. At least they put the chair there.

It could have been worse. Yeah, it could have been worse. She also adds, I was caring for a lovely couple in labor for many hours the new mom had been really quiet and shy the whole time and had now given birth it's time to do her stitches during which time she really made the most of the gas and hair used it solidly for half an hour or so when finishing the stitches i said okay so the last thing i need to do is just put a finger into your bottom to make sure that it's all okay whoa whoa whoa what wow whoa that is that seems too blasé yeah i mean she has to check that it's all sewn up isn't it yeah that's a serious tear as well oh my god just gonna put my finger in your bottom to make sure it's all okay she's gassed

off her face and if you want to know how gassed off her face she is yeah to this she stopped breathing the gas and air for a moment to shout ha ha i bet you're gutted john you've always wanted to do that to me he went a lovely shade of red and pretended he hadn't heard while i tried my best not to giggle oh wow that is what a slam she's I love my job that's not sarcasm it's the best job in the world there we go thank you very much I don't think I could handle the pressure of that but if you're okay with the sort of like the stress of it and the sort of being able to deliver a baby to a new couple it must be a lovely feeling yeah definitely but um i really

don't think i should do it i don't think it's for you i think it's the same thing like you know people go up to us oh your job would be my worst nightmare yeah you go well actually i really enjoy it and i'm really lucky to do it and i think if a job is stressful but not that our job's particularly stressful but you know what the the things that people would find stressful about our job we're fine with and i think it'd be the same for the things we would find stressful about being a midwife so what you're saying is you could probably do it if you could be bothered what i'm saying is i i would be fucking shit at it it doesn't play to my skills i'd be all i'll be all i'll be like you're all right with that coming out of there i well i'd. I'd faint within seconds.

Oh, my God. It's all, it's so, I think the reason why our job's easier for us, though, is because we are dead inside now. Exactly. Where we've had so much public, when do you have so much public shame? After a while, does it matter? It's like when you get on, after like eight pints of lager,

all the other alcohol doesn't matter anymore. Do you know what I mean?. You're in that space. Yeah. That's how I'd equate it. And I basically in my career now, I think you're the same Josh. I'm, I'm eight pints in of shame.

Yeah. So not much more can happen. The worst thing about being eight pints in Rob, into your career is you do know that you're going home very soon yes and the hangover is going to be real it's going to be 20 years and it's going to involve panto strictly i'm a celebrity and crying because i'm not on itv not because i'm on it i'm not gonna lie rob strictly they're really upping the level of their booking so you do need to get him fast on that one. I'll imagine that, though.

I'll do it a bit later on. Oh, no, what? Not brilliant enough to do it? Okay. Right, this is from James Mole. Go, Mole! This is called Subject Dogs. How is the dog situation, Rob?

I suppose half-terms said it back yes massively the thought of a dog no uh we it's been pushed back until um our youngest starts a primary school so that'll be the earliest we'd get so two more years so it's on the it's on the back burner and also i think romish is getting a dog and i want to see how that pans out right uh so having heard rob discussing getting a dog, I just wanted to share my experience of adding a puppy to a household with two young kids, both at primary and two older cats. In short, I don't know what we were thinking.

So what have they got? They've got two older cats and two kids in primary school. Yes. Okay. Just to give you a flavour of things, we have a nocturnal dog. He wakes up at 7 p.m just as we were trying to put the kids to bed and is awake then till one in the morning and barks if he isn't entertained he treats my youngest like a chew toy if we try and put the

dog in a crate to sleep he howls and barks until he's let out in order to cope i'm currently sleeping on a blow-up bed in the lounge no thankfully it's mostly got the hang of going outside of the toilet but still has the odd accident earlier in the week my son was reading to me in the lounge and my wife was working in the kitchen he was trying to get out which i misinterpreted as him wanting to pester my wife next thing the smell hits me he's done two massive piles of wet shit on the lounge carpet. Oh, God. Obviously, we're going to get help with all this

and he's nice company, I suppose, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else. He hates it. He hates that dog. Yeah, I don't. The mole hates the dog.

No one believes that caveat at the end of that. No, he had to write that. If he was honest, I've had a fucking howler and I want to get rid of it, but I can't. Well, it is a fucking howler

if you don't entertain it before 1am. That's one of the worst, biggest negative points of this dog but what everyone has said is when you have a dog the first like year you have to basically dedicate your whole life to it like you would a child to get it trained so it knows all the expectations of it and get it like sorted out because then that's the dog you love for the rest of your life um thank you for all your emails um it's a pleasure reading them this is how to get in touch email us hello at lockdown parenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdown parents or instagram lockdown underscore parenting and you can also send us stuff p.oO. Box 76748, London, E99DW.

Now, Rob. Yes. It's been an absolute pleasure. Rob. Yes. Would you like to end with some more Rockabye Baby? Oh, yes, please. Would you like to end with Madonna?

Oh. Or would you like to end with Fleetwood Mac? Oh, Fleetwood Mac. Oh. Or would you like to end with Fleetwood Mac? Oh, Fleetwood Mac. Thank you for listening. We'll be back on Tuesday.

What's happened to us? You used to be on Radio X. Right, see you on Tuesday. Bye.