Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP56: Heaven or Hell?

Episode Date: November 6, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S01 EP56: Heaven or Hell?More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting How with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Bob Beckett. Can you say Josh Whittacombe?

Josh Diddett. Josh Diddett? Josh Whittacombe. Josh Diddett. Thank you. Josh did it. Josh did it? Josh Whittacombe. Josh did it. Thank you. That is Ruby, who's just turned four, and is asking when her next birthday is, and also counting down to Christmas. I'm going to say it.

What Ruby has raised, which I've never thought, is I actually think you'd be better as a Bob. Bobby Beckett sounds a bit cruise ship. It does, but you know. That's my act. Do you know what I mean, I give the people what they want, Josh. I'm there for efficiency. You are an entertainer, Rob. First and foremost, you're an entertainer.

I'm like a diesel engine. I mean, you get a lot out of me. I'm fairly cheap, but frowned upon by the hybrid crew. Like the diesel engine, there was a point when people thought that you were going to be a good thing, but actually you've turned out to be quite a bad thing exactly but you know all these new ones can they get to and from stoking one night no they can't they will struggle you'll have to charge up somewhere um oh josh this week's been horrible have we just started with the most tortured metaphor i've ever heard in my life oh i've got i've had a headache for about two weeks

josh it's stressful at the moment isn't it are you finding the world stressful yeah i do i i can't believe i'm gonna have to interrupt you rob to say that i'm gonna have to let my cat out of the bedroom area because it's a bag let me just go and open the door let that cat out mate surely you've got a cat flight you've got two cats in you i know no no no no no no. It was the bedroom door. Oh, I'm recording. Yeah, no, no, no. The arrogance of a cat just wandering around. You're trying to do a podcast and they're in the bedroom. This is the problem with cats, Rob.

They don't understand how now I will have to work from home by talking to a microphone that is on top of a chest of drawers. Yes. And we start we started this podcast in lockdown when we had a lot of spare time but at the moment we have to apologize the Tuesday episode went out a bit late this week um just because of a number of things Michael's been busy we've both been busy very stressful uh last week walk me through your terrible week or terrible it was more it was more terrible for Lou after recording a podcast um I think it was I can't remember which one it was now but after I. After recording a podcast, I think it was, I can't remember which one it was now, but after- I do remember at the end of the podcast,

it's probably the most stressed I've ever heard you. In the sense of I'd say you're one of the least stressed people I know. Do you know what I mean? Especially on the surface. I'm good at hiding it because I'm smiley. You were the furthest I've ever heard you from being bobby beckett i was robert b at that point well basically like lose lose um pancreatitis pancreatitis pancreatitis basically a pancreas as fast i don't know why i'm laughing but anyway after, after recording the episode, I went in and she was like,

I'm in pain and all that. And I've just rung 111. And they had to phone an ambulance. It was a side effect. She was on this new medication. And the side effect was that you can get pancreatitis. And she's supposed to be going. Where are the kids at?

The kids are there as well. So she's supposed to be going for a blood test once a week. She went to go and have the blood test to keep an eye on all different levels because of this medication. And then they said, oh, you're not booked in. You've got to come back next week. So it was an admin error. And then by the time she went to go and have the blood test to keep an eye on all different levels because of this medication and then they said oh you're not booked in you've got to come back next week so it was an admin error and then by the time she went to the blood test she'd already been in hospital because she had to get taken in she was on more she was like oh about 10 minutes after that podcast episode she was on morphine in the kitchen and gas and air i'm not gonna lie rob yeah

when i had morphine i'd say it was one of the best nights of my life. I mean, yeah, Lou was absolutely buzzing her head off on it straight away. It's absolutely brilliant. When did you have morphine? When I had my, I was going to say kidneys, not my kidneys, my, what's it called? Appendix removed. So I had my appendix removed last year. Yes.

And I was wheeled back into the ward at Homerton Hospital. And I was basically, I i was you know uh you know the dance song yeah so i was doing that with my arms doing the dance dance as i was wheeled back into it off the morphine and then i couldn't sleep because of the morphine yeah and i said um and she said it's because you don't have that sugary tea. And I was like, no, I've had a sugary tea before. Because all my chumps

are morphine, mate. Anyway. She was in the kitchen on morphine and gas and air. And then obviously the kids were all around. And then basically, and then the paramedic come in.

I was like, rule of six, you're not allowed in. I was like, surely that's an emergency. So they came in and then basically bubbling with a paramedic yeah so now i'm part of a paramedic's bubble it's absolutely nightmare yes basically i had the kids so i took the kids out because i didn't want to

we just said mummy's not very well she's got a sore tummy i didn't want to see her go off in an ambulance because that seems cool so i took them out took them to the park and then when that and I brought them home and I was like yeah mummy's got a sore tummy she's in hospital so she was in hospital for like three or four nights last week and it was just so hard because I'm worrying about and I couldn't even go and visit her because of the coat they go in a covid pending ward for a bit and then I couldn't even see her till like three days in and she didn't have anything on her and then I packed a bag for her I was allowed to drop the bag off and then I went into the ward and then I pressed the buzzer to go in and I walked in and this nurse came running over me going get out get out it's a covid ward and I was like what don't buzz me in don't buzz me in then if it's a covid pending ward

and I went I've got these bags for my wife and i like i packed her so much stuff like you know because you want to make it nice talk me through the bags talk me through what you packed her when i was allowed to go and see her she was allowed to have clear fluids because she was on a drip and an antibiotic so couldn't eat or drink basically you get pancreatitis either through medication or if you're an alcoholic essentially it's basically chronic and you can be in for weeks and weeks i was a bit worried so i was getting all stressed but i packed her like a dressing gown my ipad like you know like panic packing you do to try and make something feel better so she had loads of different headphones in there some some slippers some like showery stuff so she'd have a shower and then i just went mental in the supermarket

with different fluids because she went oh i can't have pop right and i was like it's a weird thing for like as a medical term pop for like fizzy drinks so i've got a few fizzy drinks anyway because i thought on this website it says fizzy drinks are clear anyway so i've got this massive bag of drinks and i went in there and it was so heavy josh's bag and i said it's a tiny little nurse come out and i said i've got these drinks because you can't have pop she went she's not pop she's not a pulp. And I... So I've basically got... It looks like I've just, you know, like, it's a riot and I've decided to...

I was wondering why your wife, who's in her 30s, was using the word pop. I know! Like a six-year-old. Yeah, so she misheard him. Anyway, so this bag was so heavy. And then the nurse was like, so what is this? I'm just dropping off some stuff for her.

It had a pillow in there and all that. She went, just essentials. I went, yeah, they are essentials, actually. You know, you get a bit aggy with someone because you're all stressed. But it was just horrible. Luckily, she was all okay. But because we didn't know what it was and she was in this severe pain, and because the pain was near the heart, they thought she was having a heart attack.

And I was like, oh, my God. But luckily, it all calmed down and stuff. But then the kids were fine. How was the four days with you and the kids fucking hell but but not as bad as having pancreatitis no of course of course you know but i keep winding lou up and go well you've had your mini break haven't you a short break away from the kids because i i won't lie when you said she spent four days in hospital there was a small part of me that thought, oh, that would be nice.

Right, yeah, right. That's what I thought. I got there. Like, cards on the table, I'm not saying it is, but there was a part of me that was thinking four days in a bed. Yeah, but I went there and the people she was sharing the ward with, and bless them, some slightly older guys, but it was,

you know, they were struggling through it. It just stuck a human shit, Josh. But do you know what, Rob? Would I, would I take four days in a bed with the smell of human shit?

I probably would. Yes, Rob. At least you don't have to clear it up. I like it. Do you know what? After about an hour or two, you probably get used to it.

If anything, when you come out, you miss it. Exactly. Well, anyway, up and like at home do you know what after about an hour or two you probably get used to it if anything when you come out you miss it exactly well anyway so the kids though because then the kids are a bit worried because they they came in and they were like oh what's that and they had to like put a needle thing in her arm and stuff and they sort of saw that and I was trying to keep them away and I thought it's quite interesting for you to talk about the podcast and and if other people have had it with kids and like parents being unwell because especially the oldest she's like school and stuff she was aware that Lou wasn't well and Lou was going away with a doctor and she was at the hospital but so I didn't want to completely shelter them from it because they're too old to be like no mummy's on holiday or something because

they see what's going on but then you don't want to give them too much detail do you know what I mean yeah and you sort of you don't want to worry them but you want them to be aware of what's going on so they're not completely shielded by it well send in your tips if you've dealt with something like this I think it's always you know as much as we like the emails that are amusing I think it's always useful if people have got parenting tips because let's be honest Rob yeah we don't know what we're doing oh Oh, no, that's what annoys me. When we ever do PR for this show, they go, right, send in your Ask Rob and Josh questions. And I'm clueless. I've basically got to go away, talk about it on the podcast,

and someone that knows what they're talking about emails in, and then I'll come back to you. But I can't do this live on the one show. I've got no idea. Yeah, occasionally you do go, you do realise you haven't booked Super Nanny. Yeah. And we've got Super Nanny doing a 10-minute stand-up set at the end of the show would watch yeah just i bet it's very

high status and wordplay um but uh yeah anyway so she came home and then but i got lou to send like lou spoke to him on the phone and stuff when she wasn't on so much pain relief and stuff and that but they weren't allowed to go and visit obviously but yeah and what they did kids are evil though but what happened was at night when they didn't want to go to sleep they'd be like I miss mummy and I was like you evil little bastard you do but you don't miss her that much you're doing that because you don't want to go to bed now and you know that it's a awkward thing and it's a bit of a you know emotional thing that she's not here and she's at hospital and hospitals where poorly people are so it was a it's a bit of an emotional thing that she's not here and she's at hospital and hospital is where poorly people are. So it was a bit, you know, and I think they did miss her and they were a bit worried.

But Lou did well sending her voice messages and phoning them to sort of calm them down a bit. So they were desperate to see Lou and stuff. Anyway, so Lou came out early. So her dad picked her up and dropped her off at home. And then I was working that day. So the kids were being looked after by our support bubble childcare. And when they got brought home, it was so funny though. They'd got this new Playmobil toy that they love.

And they were trying to play with. And as they come in, Lou was there to give a hug. They went, yes, my Playmobil. Just run past there to the Playmobil. But I felt, I think then we've done a good job because it's not like a big and emotional, like, mummy's home and she's okay. It's like, mummy's going to be all right.

When can I play in my playmobil? So that made me laugh. I think you've done an excellent job. I think the only thing you could have done better was to put both your children in a bag and take them into the hospital to see whether they would be counted as the necessary things that you could take in for loo yeah um is it essential wait let's

i'm sick of people telling me what what is and isn't essential okay so these kids are essential to my wife on some day see you later i'll be back in three days on the topic of lockdown though right because it's lockdown time now yes so so we should say also, we didn't mean for this podcast to become topical again. Yeah, we're satirical if the world events just come back round to us. We don't follow the news. We'll stay strong with a lockdown podcast, hoping for another lockdown. But the rules are weird, right?

So before all this lockdown we've got now, it was rule of six. And then with the tiers, there's different levels of rule of six. It was always six people got now it was rule of six and then with the tiers there's different levels of rule of six it was always six people but it was either six people outside in tier two no one ran drowsing tier three and six people inside in tier one but the kids counted didn't they as a person but now you're allowed to visit one the parks and playgrounds are staying open right so me and you essentially could meet in a park to walk around it and i could bring my two kids and you could bring your kid

correct and the kids don't count as a person but they'll only count as a person when it's rule of six after the second of december but in scotland they didn't count as a person did they i think in the uk i think in in england they count as a dog so yeah yeah yeah so so we could essentially i could drive up to a park near you and go for a walk with you and my two daughters totally also what we could do rob yeah is we could just meet up without the kids yeah and just go for a walk it'd be very rare that I'd say, do you want to meet up on Saturday and go for a walk? That feels like I've got a big thing to say. Yeah. Like I'm about to tell you I'm in love with you. Yeah.

Can we go for just a walk? Okay. I feel like it's the end of the podcast. I just think I should bring in Alex Brooker and Adam Hills, but we are lucky though. We can still do TV shows and Exactly. We can still do this. And we can't tour yet or do any live comedy, which is a shame. No.

But at some point, I'm sure we will be able to properly. Exactly. Exactly. It is what it is. I'm surprised by how little social life. I think if this had happened to me in 2016, before I'd had children, I would have really felt the difference to my lifestyle yes yeah I feel that the youngsters out there the 18 year olds 20 years I feel sorry for oh Josh I've got

to tell you this is funny about when Lou was in hospital right so basically when she was feeling a bit better but she still couldn't eat she was like not allowed any just liquids only I was at home and I'd been getting a kid sorted i've gone to bed it's about eight o'clock and i thought i'll order myself a takeaway right i wasn't going to tell her what i was eating you know and stuff like that i'm not judging a big fat dirty pizza just because you're bit of comfort food right talking yeah and then i thought i'd be great right and i've got some side got some little chicken wings on the side as well if i really treat myself okay so pizza and wings i was you know i felt like king of the eighth just

absolutely get fat and fill up right but that's just that of my childhood of just you say shared food with happiness i still do weird little things i the other day i've got this bit lego thing right a lego thing i was playing with i was doing some lego and i was doing it really quick and enjoying it and my brain went don't do it too quickly because lego is expensive you won't be able to afford any more. And I was like, I've probably, you know, not without me showing off, but I can afford Lego now as a grown adult, Josh. Do you know what I mean?

But as a kid, it was expensive. And I was like, oh, don't rush it. And I was like, grow up, Rob. This pathetic little child voice gets into my head. Oh, wow. But anyway, so I ordered this big pizza because I sort of, you know, deal with emotions through food and drink what diameter are we talking about rob um what was i think it was a

12 incher 12 inch so it wasn't the biggest one that they do but it went far off and since you've ordered it with wings i'm gonna guess not not one of the nicer pizza joints 30 i wanted a grease pool if you put it you could get for at least, you know, three, three sheets of like, you know, that really thick, plenty kitchen roll and it would still grease up. It's the kind of thing where if you're not drunk, you're hating yourself for eating. Oh yeah. I mean, immediately afterwards I had self-hatred like eating it, but on arrival I was buzzing. But we got one of them doorbells, you know, them doorbells where it films it and it does

a motion sensor, right? And it goes through to your phone. Right so ding dong well hello who's that right so go and open the door get me pizza thank you very much sit down just about to eat it Lou just went who's at the door she's got the app on her phone so she's in hospital of pancreatitis right and cannot eat and been talking about what she wants to eat when she can eat. And also, with pancreatitis, you have to slowly reintroduce food, right? You're not even allowed to drink alcohol for months. She's still on mashed potato and just dry bread even a week after, right?

And she went, what did you do? And I went, nothing. She went, have you ordered a takeaway? And I said, what would you prefer? I've ordered a takeaway or i've ordered a sex worker so did she see the person on her phone yeah so it comes so did she see that he was holding a pizza and wings she just saw the like the bag you know the heat bag that keeps the heat yeah oh right she didn't know she didn't know you know there's so many like delivery people these days yeah yeah it could be anything so she said what have you

ordered and i just said seafood she went you're lying seafood she hates seafood yeah so i pretended i just ordered some cockles and welks she knew no one puts cockles and welks in a heat bag back on the cockles and welks my friend had that actually his wife was um uh she was on a hendo in madrid yeah and she uh he told her that he was going to eat well and she got a phone call from the delivery driver delivering his breakfast mcdonald's oh wow that is bleak that is that is bleak i'm thrown out there breakfast mcdonald's delivery house is too much if you're that hungover you know

just come on come on I have ordered a Domino's at midday though have you? yeah that was I literally like

I literally waited for it to go like one minute past 12 and I rang it was when you could ring and I rang and he went now it'll take a little while

because the ovens need to heat up oh mate i walked i was walking to go to the park at 4 p.m on sunday and there was a delivery driver at the door of a house i walked past and i saw the door open a woman answered it looking so hungover and he handed over a bag of rosa's tie food and i just thought i am living such a different life from that person hungover on a sunday there's not even a name for that time of day like what is that that's not like early dinner late late lunch it's too late for late lunch also you know she'll have

like three mouthfuls and go joe what i can't yet i just can't yet um do you want some emails yeah let's have some emails joshua it's the lockdown parent in mailbag but it's actually emails and there's no bag hi Hi, Rob and Josh. Please stop talking about cow tongues as it resurfaces a childhood trauma. Oh, no. I'm on board with this. I was eight years old. My aunt took me for a drive in the front seat of her convertible.

Ooh. We were whizzing through the South Yorkshire countryside with the top down. That's a great word for a convertible, isn't it? Whizzing along. It really creates convertible, isn't it? Whizzing along. It really creates an image, doesn't it? Yeah. Through the South Yorkshire countryside with the top down,

when she slows the car to a stop because a huge brown cow has galloped down the road towards us. The cow slowed as it neared the car, when we could see its mouth was wide open, a huge tongue wagging, and its eyes rolled back and its lolling head it approached my passenger side and put its massive cow head over the side of the car and slobbered all over me as i tried to slide under the seat belt and carry the footwell i can

still feel its hot breath and see its spiraling eyes huge tongue pressed against the glass of my aunt wound up the window. Also, that's such a, like, that was around the time of mad cow disease as well. Exactly. Exactly. The worst PR cows ever had, that was. The cow, well, the best for them. The cow ran on as

the farmer passed on his tractor. In my memory, he was wielding an axe and shouting sorry mad cow as he drove by i assume referring to the actual cow rather my aunt or me lovely bit of business at the end there um thank you uh for your podcast it's provided me many last coping with our sleepless first baby for the last five months that is an astonishingly good uh story superb stuff do you know what you don't realize what you're uh what you're bringing into people's lives when you think you're just having an innocent chat

about cow tongues in fact megan kirby has been sent back to the worst trauma of her childhood uh rob do you want an email called the pseudocrem incident oh do i ever pseudocrem is so underrated i can use it on all sorts any any cut you got pseudocrime this is from tom glover listening listening to the recent anecdote on your podcast about a baby frothing from the mouth after having all bus oil rubbed into their gums reminded me of a tale from my childhood when my younger sister was five stroke six she was complaining to my parents about having a sore bum as a parent you're constantly applying pseudocrime to your baby's bums for nappy rash but uh not so much as they get older my sister

kept whining whining that her bum was sore so my dad sent her to the bathroom with instructions of where to find the pseudocrime and to just apply it liberally all over the area and it would instantly feel better my sister disappeared upstairs 30 seconds later the screams began Oh no. Oh God, that is awful. Vicks on what can only be described as a sore bum, Rob. Oh my God. I mean, I think that's probably the worst thing. That or deep heat.

If I could offer you Vicks Vaporub or cow licking your face, which do you go with? Oh, God. You genuinely, I've never heard you go so, you're genuinely having a bit of a moment. I'm having a think. How much Vicks are we talking? Is it going on my bum or is it going on my willy?

It's going on your bum, but it might have splashed around a bit to the front as well. I'll take the Vicks up the arse, but I would not have it on the knob. Is that fair? Yeah. Do you think we've run out of ideas for the podcast? If it's Vicks on the knob, I'd have a cow tongue. I'd rather have a cow tongue up the arse than a Vicks on my knob.

If anyone listens to me. What about you, Josh? I think I'd take the Vicks. I think I could just style out the Vicks. You'd take the Vicks anywhere, wouldn't you? I'd take the VIX. I think I could just style out the VIX. You'd take the VIX anywhere, wouldn't you? I'd take the VIX anywhere. I think I'm hard enough. That's the wrong word.

Oh, Joshua. That sentence didn't go how I hoped. Right, shall we get you out of this hell with some Instagram messages? Yes. Right, this is Laura Lee. I'm writing to thank you out of this hell with some Instagram messages? Yes. Right. This is Laura Lee. I'm writing to thank you for inadvertently giving me a new parenting tool. I have a four-month-old baby who struggles to get to sleep.

After trying all the usual tactics, I thought to myself, why not? And went in for the no stroke. Oh, the no stroke. Yeah. Here we go. Four strokes in and he was asleep. No. Outrageous, isn't it? Four strokes in and he was asleep. No. Outrageous, isn't it?

Four strokes in and he was asleep. It sounds like a girl texted her mate about a drunk date she had. Four strokes in and he went asleep, bastard. Anyway, I thought it was a fluke, so I repeated the following day at nap time with the same degree of success. I now have to hope that he won't be asking me for his future partner for a no stroke as an adult what have you begun wow i can't believe it's actually worked for someone i still don't believe i still don't buy it what the no stroke i mean we've got actual

evidence that no stroke works are you saying laura lee's a liar no i'm not saying laura Lee's a liar? No, I'm not saying Laura Lee's a liar because I can barely say it. But I'm saying it's too small a sample size. Okay, fair enough. Any other nose strokers out there, let me know. Yeah. Just send in an email, re-nose stroking. Rob, should I give you three options of email name? Would you enjoy that?

Yeah, go on. You can either have fuck me phonics, top tip to get the tv switched off without a fuss or unusual childhood milestones i like the master give me milestones i'm a welsh woman living in new zealand and i've been here so long love sheep absolutely love sheep cannot move from back home i got licked in the face by a sheep. I loved it. Actually, better than a cow, I'd say.

So, I'm a Welsh woman living in New Zealand, and I've been here so long now, nine years, that I've forgotten how strange some of their customs are. Birthday parties in New Zealand aren't complete without fairy bread and asparagus rolls. Fairy bread is white bread covered in margarine and sprinkles. Sprinkles? So it sprinkles like hundreds and thousands, I suppose. A bit like a sort of iced finger, but instead of icing, just margarine.

Yeah. Okay. Asparagus rolls is tinned asparagus individually wrapped in pieces of white bread. Oh, no wonder they all fucking go to Clapham and live from New Zealand. I would too. That sounds horrific. The other thing, not birthday related, is a cultural hatred of shoes. Yeah, they do this in Australia. They hate shoes. Hate might be a strange word, but basically people and kids in particular

don't wear shoes in the summer. My husband tells me that at school you'd be looked at funny if you turned up to cross-country running with shoes. Convinced that barefoot running would make you faster. Oh, I didn't know about that. There is nothing stranger than being at the mall with people walking past shoeless. Yeah, when I was in Australia working, I noticed that.

There'd be people just walking in the Apple shop barefoot. No. Yeah, and it's not like, oh, beach noticed that, there'd be people just walking in the Apple shop barefoot. No. Yeah. Like a proper, and it's not like, oh, beachside shops, right? I'm talking proper, like you've driven to an industrial estate to go to the big shops, like the big blue or a lakeside, you know, Arndale type place, yeah? Yeah.

And you get, park your car, walk through the car park barefoot, go in the mall barefoot, go into Apple shop barefoot, buy an iPad barefoot. That car. I mean, I'm sure some shoe shops have had people walk in barefoot and go, I need your help. But what if you stepped on something? They don't. They live free, don't they?

There's nothing to step on. There's so much space. Rob, am I a square? No, you're not. Do you know what? I am a big barefoot guy, though. I love being barefoot. Do you?

Yeah. Not in a fetish way, but just I don't like it. But they love it. The thongs or flip-flops in Australia and New Zealand. But yeah, I've seen that in the shops and I thought it was mental. But even the food shop, barefoot, it's mad. Can I just say, I didn't think it was a fetish thing until you brought it up. But I don't think, I think it's a thing, but I think it's sort of still frowned upon a bit like in the summer when you

see a geezer bare chested driving a car or a van with a window open, that is like not acceptable. Really? I'd say the worst human beings are topless joggers. Yeah. But if they're ripped, it's just because I would as well if I was ripped. Would you?

Yeah. If you were Andy Peters, if you were as ripped as Andy Peters. If I was as ripped as Andy Peters, I'd be jogging everywhere topless. And if I Andy Peters? If you were as ripped as Andy Peters? If I was as ripped as Andy Peters, I'd be jogging everywhere topless. And everyone would go, oh my God, is that Andy Peters? And I'd go, no, I'm just ripped like him.

So I wonder if I'll ever get back to Andy Peters that he's our shorthand for ripped on this show. Oh, well, I've got an in for Andy Peters. If you want Andy Peters on here, mate. I thought you had an in for Andy Peters, Rob. I know who I'm working with. You want Andy Peters, I'll get you Andy Peters. Do you know what I'll get you Andy Peters do you know what I mean you're the stiff neck you're stiff neck connection I'm the light ends connection yeah do you want Melvin Bragg I can get you him

I can get you him well Rob I've I have actually have I ever told you this I once I once prank called Chico did you when was this it was in the green room of the last leg. Oh, you crazy guys. And we were drunk, Rob. Oh, you stupid. At 1.30 in the morning. Oh, stop it. On a Friday night.

Oh, imagine that. 10 p.m. the curfew used to be. We haven't even got that anymore. 1.30 a.m. 1.30. Doing whatever you want. Doing whatever we want. Someone brings up, they've got Chico's number.

Oh, you rung him up. Poor Chico. Rung him. Half one in the morning. Someone brings up, they've got Chico's number. Oh, you rung him up. Poor Chico. Rung him. Half one in the morning. He picks up the phone. We say, what time is it? He says, it's Chico time. Conversation ends.

No. Yes. Good on Chico. Yeah. Oh yeah. You've got to give Chico absolutely full credit on that. He's always on.

He's always on. It's Chico time. 1.30 in the morning, his phone rings. Someone asks what time it is. He says it's Chico time, but he goes back to sleep. Right. I've got another one here, Josh. Okay.

Last one. Here we go. This is the headliner, Rob. Well, it's actually quite a short one, this one. Oh, okay. Anyway, a lot of people have been in contact. Second to last one. Second to last.

A lot of people have been in contact with the same message hi rob and josh i'm listening to your latest episode and i thought josh said his parents live in heaven and found it as a bit of an unsettling sad way to say that they'd passed but luckily i googled it and found out they live in devon i'm so relieved. Love the show. End. Which is fun. Bit of fun, that. It would be such a weird way to address that your parents had died. It's like what a child would say, isn't it? And you're like, what, you're 36 now?

And you're like going, oh, they live in heaven? I'm like, okay, Josh. Just for listeners, I can confirm in actual fact they live in hell. I was thinking that every day. You know when all that people go like, oh, yeah, man, I just want to live in hell? Like, you know, all the cool guys are in hell like me and my mates we've got like a sick sense of humor that would go to hell and that'd be a great laugh and i sort of agree

and like you know because if you're in hell with like your mates you sit at the table it's a right laugh and all of a sudden just like our old shipment walks in you're like oh yeah there are some really bad people as well also i prefer to be sat on a cloud with a square than in the burning pits of hell with someone who's a bit of a laugh. Yeah, because you might have someone who's a bit of a laugh, but then there would be an actual horrendous person just around the corner.

You know, sat on a cloud with Cliff Richard, I'll take it. Yeah, rather than me, you know, I'm having a couple of laughs with some sort of crazy guys down there and then, you know, Yeah, with Cat Bin Lady. Cat Bin Lady is a much better example. the laughs of some sort of crazy guys down there and then you know yeah walked in with cat bin lady cat bin lady is a much better example me and cat bin lady are sitting there having a right old laugh

and then you know walks in ruining the mood right uh what you got one more for us josh yeah should i give you three titles yes please name double whammy yep introducing the beatles yeah or wedding shame oh wedding shame. Oh, wedding shame. I love shame. I'd love it if introducing the Beatles to someone going, I've got into this great new band, actually. You should really get into them.

Yeah, my kids love them. Hi, Josh and Rob. This is from Julie Ebdon. This is a good new way to do the emails, actually, isn't it? But I will read them in future before reading them out. It's just, it's been a big week in international politics. Oh, yeah. No, you've been busy at last leg.

We've had hospitalisations in the Beckett house. We've been doing other jobs. I did film in for my YouTube channel the other day, took all day. And then someone stole a bag off the poor cameraman and put a footage in. Oh, my word. Poor bloke.

Poor bloke. Anyway, let's not get, you know, we're all having bad times. We're all having stressful situations. It is a stressful time. Oh, poor bloke. Poor bloke. Anyway, let's not get, you know, we've all having bad times. We're all having stressful situations. It is a stressful time. This is Julia Ebdon. My kids are all adults now, but I'd like to tell you the time when my now 22-year-old Georgia was two or three. My partner Mark, Georgia, and I were attending a wedding of his sister.

It was a, in brackets, long and boring Catholic church ceremony. Neither me nor Mark are religious, and we had an especially, they're not going to heaven, and we had an especially wriggly toddler in tow. So not much scope for any good times. We already had the hump, in other words. George was on Mark's lap as he attempted to keep her quiet, and still during the stupidly long and boring service. It was also proper cold in there too.

Mark was struggling and losing his rag while I tried to act as if I wasn't with them. This continued for at least 45 minutes. All of a sudden, during a particularly silent moment, George's voice rang out, echoing through the whole church. She said,

I'm not a little bastard, daddy. You little bastard. I pissed myself in laughing as Mark stood up and swiftly left the building I'm not a little bastard daddy It was the best thing of the whole wedding

and the bride and groom are now divorced What a lovely thing to end on on one of the bleakest weeks of our lives If you want to get in touch this is how.

Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdownparents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff, P.O. Box 76748 London E99DW. Well, Rob, it's been an absolute pleasure.9, 9, D, W. Well, Rob, it's been an absolute pleasure.

Oh, I loved it, mate. And just thank you so much for all the people getting in contact. Really appreciate it. And please subscribe and like and review on, we don't say that enough. Yeah.

You please, it helps with all the ratings and in the charts and stuff like that. And other people can see it and come aboard and join this little crew. So thank you very much. And we'll see you on Tuesday. Have another episode. Cheers, guys. Bye.