Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP58: Walking up the Burj Khalifa

Episode Date: November 14, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S01 EP58: Walking up the Burj KhalifaMore misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Josh Whittacombe. Josh Whittacombe.

There you go. Do you recognise an accent there, Rob? Confident Canadian. Massachusetts, USA. Do you know what? This is my little trick I do of North Americans. If you're not sure, always say, are you Canadian? Because Canadians absolutely love it if they are. Because they go, yes, because everyone calls them Americans. And then Americans go, no, I'm not actually.

Funny you should say that. People do think I'm Canadian, but I'm actually American. Because Americans don't like sounding like they're American. Very shrewd. A good little move. So if you're not sure, always go, are you Canadian? So that is Kira, who is Rob's daughter.

That is Kira and David. What? No, no, no. Sorry. It's a strange way to ask for a child support. David Carroll's daughter, Kira, who lives in Massachusetts, USA. That's so exciting, isn't it? It is exciting, Tav. If you do listen from an exotic place

like Massachusetts, please tell us how and why. Yeah. Because I don't understand who listens to this if you're not British. If you're British, you may have seen me and you on panel shows or Last Leg. But if you're from abroad, what got you here? Yeah.

I'd love to know. Imagine if we're, like, huge in a country without realising it. Hawaii. We're going to a live show. So far away, Hawaii, though, isn't it? I'll just take take corfu i really want to go abroad josh do you want to travel yeah where do you want to go fucking anywhere i just want to get off a plane and it'd be red hot and you go you can feel it can't you get off i reckon well you never know with this vaccine you never know oh my inject it's my head i'll take it the forehead If you had to go in your forehead, I'd take it.

Do you know what, mate? Bill Gates has got you exactly where he bloody wants you. Bill Gates can put me anywhere. I don't care. Come and live with me, mate. Sort my computers out. Talking of Bill Gates, would you like some emails? Because we've got loads of emails.

Did you like that, Link? Yeah. Do you know what? I really like that. Talking of Bill Gates. Let's have some emails. Like, you know, Josh, can I have some electronic mail, please? Oh, I didn't tell you.

In fact, shut up, Bill Gates. I didn't tell you about the nativity at my play school. Oh, yes. We teased that, didn't we? Because we're actually pros. It's a very quick thing. But one of the kids wouldn't move, so their mum came on the stage and then was too heavy for the stage

and went through the stage. Oh no. She wasn't a particularly heavy mum just to be very clear. It was just a bad stage. I was going to say if that's a weak stage fine but if that's a strong stage big woman

that is awful. It's not an anecdote. I would be telling Rob. This big old girl got on a confident woman because it was only a little stage. Nightmare. I would have checked myself before that very light woman very weak stage yeah should we go back to bill gates yeah i feel like you didn't give that anecdote what it deserved josh people waited four days for this

well we've got them here now they're in now what happened what happened did she hurt herself what did it stop the nativity what i don't know because i the other thing i realized about that story is it's a story my mum has told me but it's one of those things where you're too young to remember it yourself yeah yeah i mean i'd remember a woman falling for a stage wouldn't you i think when you're three you that you find that completely unremarkable well do you know what was amazing in one assembly at my school which was still i think the most exciting thing that's ever happened right they willed the telly out as you do for a film vhs in front of 500 people insane right they willed out the telly and then my mate had a watch

the control telly the classic and he paused it and then the teachers thought there was a poltergeist and the adrenaline it felt like I was on drugs. I thought I could feel the blood in my hands bubbling. We're just like, what is this sorcery? How can they cope? This could be mutiny. How can they carry on teaching us? And then the science teacher came out and went,

it's on his watch, come with me. And that was the end of it. But for a moment, oh my Lord. There was always rumours at my school that there was a kid with one of those watches. But I never believed it to be true well yeah especially in Plymouth haven't you just been

released in Argos down there so we got lots of great emails do you want the first one oh yes please let's do it

subject Bluetooth yeah sure ever since the birth of my first daughter in May 2020 your podcast has provided a source of entertainment

feelings of empathy and downright hilarity over the first few challenging months of parenthood just hearing rob's laugh makes me want to join in that's a very different experience to mine this laugh got me for a lot of lean panel show appearances in the early days that's all i had oh yeah theocott the world cup just had the pace that's all it was captain cutaway um he's still on the show laughing yes i am laughing and cashing a check as i slowly try to work out how to structure a joke i've got energy all right yeah sure but i didn't realize you have to put the funniest bit of the joke at the end of the sentence until i was five years in

anyway sorry go on i have a story to share on the perils of Bluetooth around the house. As a dad who had the good fortune of being at home for most of the first... I know what's happening here. First 12 weeks. No, no, it's not. It's not. It's not.

No, it's not what you think it is. First 12 weeks of parents. Thanks to a global pandemic and generous teacher holidays, I've now recently embarked on the next chapter of the 21st century fatherhood, which is my main two

daily deadlines Monday to Friday one go to work to make it home for bath time this means the weekend brings the chance to reacquaint myself with some other daytime activities that my good wife now mostly takes care of one of these is the morning nap it's my task on Sunday morning after a good few minutes of swaying and swinging she'd happily zonked out to the count. I carefully lowered her into the cot, a crucial part of the procedure, and went downstairs. Failing proud of myself, I thought I'd reward myself with Match of the Day. Anyone who knows Match of the Day will be aware of its triumphant, trumpeted theme tune, with which it begins.

As I hit play, I wondered why it was playing so quietly. So I turned the volume up to to max and the sound became a little more prominent but was now accompanied by my daughter's earpiece screeching wail i realized to my horror that the laptop had been connected to my bluetooth speaker in her room i blasted her with the trumpeted fan for five minutes after she just just entered sleep. Oh, I'm getting itchy thinking about how angry I'd be. The sounds I'd heard had been through the baby monitor. Really hope this unfortunate

event doesn't put her off football for life. Thanks for all you do on the show and my sanity. Kind regards Aidan. Oh, thank you very much Aidan. I mean, we all know it could have been worse. It could have been worse. It could have been worse. Right. Oh, do you want to choose from the titles of the emails, Rob?

Oh, yeah. That was fun, wasn't it? Bit of fun. Okay. Do you want help? Can you help settle a teeth cleaning debate? Yep. Or IVF story?

Let's go teeth cleaning. Because I have a bit of trouble with the teeth cleaning of the kids. A job both of us hate. Yeah. It's not the laugh you think it would be is it no hi rob and josh i wonder if you can settle debate between my husband and i i've always cleaned my teeth first thing when i wake up before eating breakfast so i'm not eating the germs from overnight and have a nice clean mouth to start the day and naturally i want

this to pass this to our children who are eight and five however my husband gets visibly annoyed at this whenever he's doing morning routine he will make sure they clean their teeth after breakfast yeah i also add that i find it easier on school morning to do teeth whilst i'm still upstairs first thing rather than panicking and cleaning teeth as we're walking out the door oh where'd she live? Eiffel Tower? How big are the stairs? I hope you can settle the debate. I mean, of all the tall buildings... I nearly said Leaning Tower of Pisa. And I panicked. It's an Eiffel Tower.

Go with the Shard, mate. The Shard. Yeah, but the Shard's got lifts. I just imagine you just have to walk up the Eiffel Tower. It's probably got lifts. Yeah, it's got lifts. What other tall buildings could I have done? I could have done Canary Wharf. I went worldwide. We've got a worldwide audience.

Sorry. What's the one in Dubai? That really tall one? The Burj Khalifa. Yes, that would have been better because it's a funny name, is it? Let's record that again, Rob. We'll keep the old bit in, but just so people know what it could have sounded like. I also add that I find it easier on a school morning to do teeth whilst we're still upstairs first thing

rather than panicking, cleaning teeth while we're walking out the door. Oh, how lazy is she? Where does she live? The Burj Khalifa? Lovely reference, Rob. Sounds great as well, doesn't it, Burj Khalifa? Also, you put it at the end of the sentence.

You're learning. Thank you. I hope you can settle this debate that has been going on for years I hope I'm not alone in my thinking Rob well I I do agree sometimes you might have a bit of morning breath that you want to get rid of but I think with the morning routine kids are getting up and eating breakfast pretty much straight away so I just think let them eat and then brush their teeth after, especially if they're having like cereal. It's all just stuck in their teeth. I'd much rather leave the house with fresh breath. When do you brush your teeth? So I brush them after I've eaten.

And when do you shower? Because I always feel like it's a combined job. Do you know what I mean? Because I'm in the bathroom. Yeah, but yeah, so it depends. I'll shower, like I'll get up and shower first thing if I'm going out that day to like work. But normally if I'm not going to work, I don't shower.

I get up and get into like gym clothes and I'll take the kids to school and they'll come back and sometimes do exercise, sometimes just be really comfy for a few hours in gym clothes. And then have a shower later after I've done exercise or not done exercise so i would still brush my teeth like before i left the house after breakfast though yes or i think if you are going to do it before breakfast you still need to do it before and after do you yeah double and here's one are you aware of these people that do it after lunch that's that's

just that's too much right that is i think that's okay if you can, but you don't want to be heavy with the brush because you'll get recessed gums. And if I know anything about teeth, gums do not grow back. Is that what happened? Yeah. Well, no, but just if you brush a bit too hard, because mine, it's like jet washing Stonehenge. There's a lot there to deal with, and these are so big, they've got to be clean and flossed you know what i mean yeah but anyway i

i think if you're doing it as soon as you wake up you've also got to do it after they've eaten because then you know otherwise it's going to go to school stinking of toast or cereal no one wants someone who smells of frosties where do you where do you stand on the debate i i know that you do so you do something weird don't you i can sense it no no i know the right answer is after breakfast but if i got up and i had a shower i would just get the teeth brushing out of the way myself now bang done also to sometimes we just keep the kids toothbrush and toothpaste downstairs yes we've got that we've got the toothpaste and toothbrush upstairs and downstairs because we live in the burj khalifa right do you want help still in the game gotta have a thumb to sleep gotta have a thumb to sleep

yeah oh let's go thumb okay uh loving the podcast it's absolutely my favorite one of all the ones in my playlist please name the ones we're better than next time, Amanda. Oh, yeah, come on, come on. Listen to episode 54 in your chat about how to get to sleep. Nose stroking, duvet overhead, et cetera. Every night, without fail, I have to have a thumb to hold. Whoa, this is insane. Go on.

No, a thumb. A thumb. I've always done this right from being on. A thumb. A thumb. I've always done this right from being little. Whose thumb? Sorry, I'm sounding quite aggressive. This has annoyed me. I don't find this quirky. This kind of thing where you don't let you meet someone at night.

I go, yeah, it's a little thing I do. And I go, oh, you sometimes be like, well, that's ridiculous. And just rip it apart. No, I'm not letting you have this. Don't try and dress up with some sort of mad issue for you. Yeah. That's quirky. What they've done, Rob, is they've written into the wrong show, clearly. Oh, yeah. I'm not letting you have this. Don't try and dress up with some sort of mad issue for you. Yeah. That's quirky. What they've done, Rob, is they've written into the wrong show, clearly.

Oh, yeah. I'm not messing about here. Right. He said to send me the... I don't know. I can't imagine what you're going to send me now. This thumb. So let me explain and then I'll send the picture.

If I don't use my own thumb, I will grab my husband's thumb. Oh, my God. And woe betide him if he tries to pull it away. So I'm going to show you her picture of her how she has her thumb to get to sleep he's literally under his own thumb so that's what she has to do it's the kind of you know like the fist with the thumb inside all right look if she's comfy with the thumb in the fist right great that's how you go to sleep i've got no judgment at what point would her thumb not be available yeah that is what i'm wondering but maybe she

finds his thumb preferable which will fall back on her thumb um apparently i hang on for dear life and have been known to make his thumb grow hard from gripping too hard rob i can imagine does she know has she got thumb and cock mixed up i was i was trying to stop you before you went there you can't what do you want from me what are you trying to give to the people here this lady knows what she's doing it was that line i grip it too hard to make it all big and hard and it jizzes or whatever it is you had said in that email i'm paraphrasing you're paraphrasing um that is where does that rank in the weird sleeping? I think doing it to your own farm is fine.

I think it's a bit of a strange thing, but people are different. You have to have your head with a do-by over. We've come across a number of the old head coverers and a lot of nose strokers. I think it's fine, but what is going to be the the main point here is how much she grabs her husband's thumb yeah that would be annoying in the middle of night having your thumb pulled i couldn't deal with that because i like to turn do you not like to turn oh i i thrash about like a crocodile i'm terrible i don't sleep well you

know do you not no i sometimes i can but i just need i just need to have done a lot in the day yeah to go asleep which i mean i have a lot of energy considering your job well sometimes i've got too much energy because i haven't done enough so that's that's when i can't sleep and then if i had a really good day and i loved it i'm too excited about tomorrow and i can't sleep either blimey do you ever get too excited to sleep where you just want it to be a morning straight away? Yeah, I get that really bad, actually. But could I recommend Valerian herbal tea, which absolutely knocks you right out? Is that something from Game of Thrones, Valerian?

Valerian Steel, is it the same? I don't watch Game of Thrones. I live in the real world, mate. Oh, yeah, sorry. You live in the real world. What's that? On an exercise bike in your garage in cyber Costa Rica, listening to the football like a sad granddad.

If you haven't listened to Tuesday's episode, that's going to feel like Rob's going on a really surreal riff. Calm down, Noel Fielding. That's literally something Josh did. So this is called, this is superb. This is superb advice. This is called Long Car Journey Advice. dear rob and josh i'm writing to tell you of a time that my mum dad and i along with my three siblings were going on holiday to

devon great choice i can't remember my exact age but i must have been about five years old about half an hour into the journey all four of us kids were already misbehaving and after numerous attempts to calm us down my dad told us if we don were already misbehaving and after numerous attempts to calm us down, my dad told us if we don't stop misbehaving, he will turn the car around and we would go home. We didn't believe him. Oh, no way. We'd all been aware that my mum was up early

packing the car and giving the house the pre- holiday clean, so it's fresh when we get home. Within five minutes, we'd used our final warning and my dad actually did turn the car around to take us all home. Power play. I've since been told by my parents that we were not, in fact, due to go on holiday that day.

And this was just a ploy to get us to shut up when we went on our five-hour trip to Devon the following weekend for the actual holiday. That's mental. That is therapy bills for years. I think it's one of the greatest things that's ever happened, Rob. Come on. Needless to say, all four kids did not make a sound for the entire journey.

Much to the joy of our family. Yeah, that's because they're living in fear. That's not how you live your life. That's an example of success. Oh, yeah, we just sat there in terror the whole time in case our holiday was cancelled That's because they're living in fear. That's not how you live your life. That's an example of success. Oh, yeah, we just sat there in terror the whole time in case our holiday was cancelled again last minute. I think it's the greatest piece of parenting ever, Rob. I don't.

It's the ultimate power play. It's the kind of thing, you know, if you were to read a biography of all the things that happened in Donald Trump's childhood. I mean, part of me wish I had the balls to do it, but I just don't see what any good can come of that. There's other ways to prove that you talk the talk and walk the walk than doing that, isn't there?

Well, the other thing is you're playing a very high stakes game. Yeah. Because what if the kids behave first time round and then you end up in Devon? Are we curly? God, this has really not worked out well for us.

You have to do two weeks here now. You'd be halfway to Devon, you'd be at about Bristol and you'd be looking for any infringements you could find. I can't believe

that's true. That must have been a wind up. That can't be true. Well, it's like that is it Awesome Wales? I can't believe that's true. That must have been a wind-up. That can't be true. Well, it's like that, is it Awesome Wales? I don't know. Who used to hire someone, so first day on set, he'd fire them to make everyone else be on their toes.

How much respect do you need at work? Do you know what I mean? I've never been to work ever before. I've got a fire summer bug there's more respect around here what is how do you want to be treated but to be fair i've never directed a hollywood film that is amazing if you've got any more hollywood film no i can't i'm so stressful imagine going in i'm quite happy reading out emails and complaining about my life imagine how many people imagine right because everyone'll imagine being a hollywood director imagine how many questions people don't ask you in a day just going in is that all right there is that right what's my line

how do you want me to say that is that lighting okay hurry up we've got the edit coming up there's someone coming down from the studio oh my god just film them just film and do something and we'll do it in cgi um i would be more interested in watching a Hollywood film, well, less interested in watching a Hollywood film than I would a documentary about you trying to make a Hollywood film, followed by the screening of the Hollywood film. Which I imagine wouldn't have had as much love and

care in the editors with other people who spend two years in there. Just bash it out. Can't we just stick with Andy Serkis? Do we need to put the Gollum thing on top of him? Yeah, he looks weird enough on his own. How weird do you want the bloke to look? I can call him as well weird, I'll give you that, but Serkis is weird enough.

He's taking four hours to put the prosthetics on. He's a funny little fellow and he's doing his crouching. Why bother? You don't need bigger ears. Right, Rob, I'm going to give you three more titles. Come on. IVF story. Name double whammy or 10 kids in eight years, 11 months.

I'll tell you the last one very much does what it says on the tin. Yeah, I think I've got that. That's the wrong seal of inboxing. But I want a bit of IVF. I think it's good. Let's talk about IVF. I think you've chosen my favourite. Yeah, I felt that because you peddled it twice now.

You smothered me with options, to be honest. I did smother you. I smothered you. You're a poor kid. Do you want to think? Do you know what? I'm more than happy to let you do some independent podcasting for 20 minutes. I've been a huge fan of the podcast since day one. From the days of Paw Patrol adverts to Rob

ruining golf for everyone. I love how people say that to me when i like i'm in the street they go stop telling everyone about the golf secret after listening to ivf correspondence emails i thought it was only fair to share my own ivf lockdown parenting how my wife and i are already lucky enough to have a son through this wonderful process, but we're currently going through our third round of IVF. Since COVID, the men can't go into the building to provide a sample. Therefore...

Oh, no, not wanking in the car park, are they? You're left with two options. One... Oh, God. You have an hour and 30 minutes to get the goods to the clinic. Or two, rely on the usually empty car parks and wi-fi and the tinted windows for a fresher and hopefully more productive sample no no no no no that is the the car isn't an option but what they say is just make sure you could be in an hour and a half

there's you must live an hour and a half from the no wanking in your car with tinted windows cannot be an option the nhs give you the rule is bring the sample within 90 minutes if you want to wank in a car park that's on you those tinted windows there's not enough light on it i don't know where it's gone that's not that's car i mean also as well, you need to be, I imagine, I've never tried to collect a sample of semen, right? Yeah. But I'd imagine the way I'd do it would be in the toilet of my house, I'd be stood up, right?

And I'd be trying to do it in the cup. Yeah. At that angle, right? I can't see you, Rob. You're aiming it down, right? You're aiming it, you're stood up. When you're demonstrating and you say at that angle. Imagine, right, I'm stood up, right?

What time on a clock face? Okay. My head's at 12. Which head? My head. My brain head. My brain. My one with the ears on.

That's at 12. My knees. I'm stood up, right? My head's at 12. No, Matt stood up right i'm at 12 no i'm not so are you 12 o'clock six o'clock as a person now right okay i'm i'm stood right legs straight down at six yeah knees are aiming at about four oh you've got you've got a bend in the knee my back and head like going over a bit like a squirrel. So my head's now aimed at one o'clock. Right.

There's a lot of core strength at play here. So penis is, you know, when firm, 3 p.m. But when I finish, it all shifts down an hour. Penis at five into the cup, right? Yeah. You cannot get those angles in a car you can't do it unless you're in like a people carrier or like some sort of like you know yeah vw camper you cannot get those angles we know which we're going to submit to the podcast awards don't we oh fuck the award

why do you care about awards josh it was a joke no you do care you want to win this we heard you being salty about the awards because of bloody the fight disciples. Right, sorry. I'm only two paragraphs in. We made the decision. I'll read again. Yeah.

Option one, you have an hour and 30 minutes to get the goods to the clinic. That's enough. Where does he live? Up the Burj Khalifa? Oh, it's good to get a catchphrase. A two, rely on... A second, where do you live?

Burj Khalifa. Rely on a... And then we could do a live episode from the top of the Burj Khalifa. Oh, that'd be great. That is genuinely a possibility. You'd have been arrested for a lot of today's content. Rely on the usually empty car parks and wi-fi and tinted windows for a fresher and hopefully more productive sample we made the

decision to go for the latter to give ourselves every opportunity to succeed but obviously that decision you're not lying comes with its own added complications and increased pressure also as well i always think but with with hospitals and doctors, you're on your game, right? We need to get this sample there as quick as possible. But you know you've done all this and you just give it to them and she's going to sit on the side for 10 minutes while they try and find the person who needs to put it somewhere.

Well, exactly. Do you know what I mean? But anyway, sorry, so they've gone for the second option, the bank in the car park, yeah? Which seat would you sit in? Right, I'd sit in passenger seat with it pushed all the way back or you say so you're nine o'clock three o'clock yeah i mean i'm gonna have to readjust or bear with me you know like the back seats push down lay down legs in the boot yeah body on the back seats like how you'd have your car set up for a

boot set i'd like i could potentially lay down and do it. Do you know what I might do, Rob, for full privacy? Just in the boot like a hostage. Duvet over your head. Duvet. Right. It was either a wank in the car park of one of the most prestigious fertility clinics in the world

or no second baby and a very disappointed wife. Yeah. As we drove up... Obviously, as well, women change, right? If I said today I'm going to wank in a car park, she'd be like, you're a sicko. But when it gets to stuff like this, you're like, you start wanking now. I want this baby. Just stop wanking.

Get behind the bin. I've just got a towel around you. Just wank in that pot now. Women change when it comes to fertility, man. As we drove up the never-ending driveway to the clinic, I glanced over to the usually derelict car park to find it was almost full. Oh, no. As we pulled into the car park,

I noticed the cars weren't empty. Oh, no. Most of them had male passengers who were waiting for their partners to have their eggs harvested. It's safe to say I was feeling the pressure. She said, just go and do it in the back of the car.

We've got tinted windows. No one will be able to see oh yes i will as i nervously and begrudgingly began the process i scanned the area for eyes to my horror spotted two dog walkers standing 10 meters away who proceeded to stop and have a chat with my wife in the front cheering me on with words of encouragement such as you can do it it's okay it's okay no that wouldn't help that's not a positive no that would not help you'd have to have some sort of pornography i think well dog walkers left me in a car park full of bored men and it wasn't going well i opted for pornography thank you good dad what was this from you you seem to no i'm just saying if i going to have a wank in a car,

I could not do it just with the memory bank. Especially with my wife in a side seat going, go on, you can do it. Like it's a fucking sports day. I opted for porn to try and resurrect the situation, but there was no signal and time was running out. If it wasn't for five days of abstinence, I would have been in trouble.

But luckily the deed was achieved in the end. Oh my God, there'd be loads of it as well. Sorry, this is disgusting. On my walk back from dropping the sample to the clinic, I could almost feel the eyes of every man in all the cars judging me with every step. As I got closer and closer to the car, my worst fears became reality. It seemed the tinted windows weren't tinted at all. I could clearly see directly into the back of our car,

just as the dog walkers and full car park would have been able to see five minutes before. Oh, no. It all seems to be worth it at the moment, so fingers crossed. From Anonymous. So, if I did say his name beforehand, we might need to beep that out.

I do apologise. If you do want to be anonymous, put it at the start, because I always make that mistake. Yes, exactly. Quite rightly. How do you know you can't you're not uri geller you're not going to predict it are you no although i could have had a guess from the story yeah i mean yeah he's had a wank in a car i probably don't want his name read out but you just have to own that i think i'll just i'd wind the window down and go i'll have a good look

are you dog walkers well i don't know if you know but me and my wife are you know find it difficult to conceive. So we're going through this process at a high expense, but we both love our children and we want more, okay? So you happy now? Why don't you take your dogs and fuck off as you're wanking? Yeah, that's what you do when you're wanking every time,

even if there isn't any dog walkers. Oh, that's what gets me, that's what I get Lou to shout at me. To help. Have you got any Instagrams, Rob? Yes, we've got some Instagrams. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh.

Dave here from Sydney, Australia. I've got a question for Rob regarding my son's eating habits or lack of. Harrison has just turned three and we could count the foods he eats on one hand and have tried everything with little to no improvement. We are having to syringe blended chicken into fruit packets so he can get some meat in his diet. Mental, I know that is so insane. Yeah, he has the look of someone who's been offered

a lump of shit every time he puts something new on his plate or try and make dinner time fun. Well, I'd pop the syringe away if i were you first and foremost he just won't even attempt to pick up the smell even look at new foods any tips we very much appreciate i don't want him slurping chicken chicken and fruit packets when he's 18 i'm dave stedman i haven't got any real tips because we were we were okay on the old we never got the packets away those those ella pouches went down like they were she was not buying that from day one oh she didn't

like them didn't like them but she's fine with food i mean she's as fussy as a child is but not in the in a way where we're panicking well yeah i don't think you should i personally don't think you should worry too much like so the two-year-old eats anything and loads of stuff. But me and my family love food and eat loads of food. I'll eat anything and try any kind of food. Where Lou and her family are a little bit more fussy and Lou won't eat seafood and stuff like that. And they're all a bit like that with different foods.

People are different, but we notice it. Both our kids, the two-year-old, don't eat anything really. The five-year-old, she is really picky. But since she started school and she sees other kids eating stuff because she has school lunches she's eating loads of different stuff she never would eat so we were worried but once she got to school so i think when they're three i won't worry too much but just hopefully when they get to school age and they go to school with other kids they start seeing their friends and then she's even come home and gone oh so-and-so has that in lunch can i have a dip can i have that in my lunch box and can i have that in my snack box and things so i think don't i just say you

know how how much does he need chicken in his diet i don't think syringing fruit much i'm doing all right look at me you don't have chicken look at you six or five six absolutely did you smoke as a teenager i didn't smoke as a teenager, no. Imagine. But yeah, I wouldn't worry, Dave. Just chill out on the chicken syringe. Just give him fruit. Fruit and veg is good, isn't it? You can get protein from other stuff, can't you?

Exactly. Any more from the Instagram? Here we go. So from chicken syringe to cow tongue here, Josh. It's quite meat heavy. It's the last one before we wrap up for the weekend. Hey, guys, just listening to your episode about cow tongues, I knew I had to write in. My 93-year-old German grandmother, Donetta,

would always buy a whole cow from the butchers once a year. Oh my word. A whole cow. That includes literally everything, including the tongue. She used to serve tongue to my family when we would come and visit and it was delicious i know it sounds weird but in a cherry sauce with bay leaves in a cherry sauce with bay leaves and cloves you would have no clue you're eating tongue no you wouldn't because they'd go i don't care what this meat is it's cherry and bay leaves and cloves taste like shit it's all got a bit i'm a celeb hasn't it oh my god i mean thanks for calling in amanda but i mean i

shouldn't judge it we should i'll give it a go if anyone wants to send me a cow's time with cherry sauce bay leaves and cloves i'm your man what is cloves cloves are like you'd like to stick them in the onion and put them in white sauce and stuff wouldn't you i don't know what they're like a kind of they're a thing you have in your spice drawer have i told you about the pickled onion no oh lou brought home some pickled onions her dad makes pickled onions every year right i had one and then i had the shits of three days turned out and been pickled he put them in the vinegar that day oh my god i ate a whole onion and it turned my insides into a roller coaster real emotions it turns out i'm not very good with fructans i don't even know what that is well i do have a whole onion raw and you'll find out what fructans are baby

well yeah i had it with like a bit of cheese and ham and all that it's a bit lively this pickled onion there's vinegar on it punchy a bit fruct this pickled onion. And it's got that mayo and vinegar on it. A bit punchy, isn't it? A bit punchy, a bit fructany. But it turns out fructans are high in onions, especially raw. And if your belly's not good with fructans, so my belly can't deal with wheat very well sometimes, it sends you a bit doolally.

And I basically had a terrible time. Yeah, that was my onion story. Josh, I think we should leave it there. Yeah, do you remember the couple of weeks we ended with a kind of nice thank you email for what the podcast does for people let's do that to finish on what's been a fairly positive week in the world of politics and Covid

hey Rob and Josh this is a life affirming email I just want to start off the email with a huge thank you on behalf of every parent listening to your podcast you kept us entertained, sane and most of all made us realise we're just I just want to start off the email with a huge thank you on behalf of every parent listening to your podcast. You kept us entertained, sane, and most of all, made us realize we're just normal people trying not to fuck up at the hardest job in the world. She's put parenting. Secondly, I need to personally thank the pair of you for keeping me calm over the past four weeks.

Today was my dad's funeral. He passed away four weeks ago, and I've been travelling backwards and forwards from Bracknell, open brackets, yes, Rob, the home of the famous coral reef, close brackets. Plays, what a place. To his home in Bedford. Me and the M25 have become best buddies. The majority of the trips have been on my tod,

as my husband is at home with our small humans, and those four-hour trips alone aren't fun when your mind is racing. Thank you both. They've been all made a little less snot crying behind the wheel and more chuckling away to your tails you've distracted me from my own thoughts and will continue to do so not to be a demi-downer but i thought i'd like to say thank you cheers jem oh that's very kind that's lovely to know because let's be honest j, we don't have the answers, but we can distract you from trying to answer the answers and find out. Exactly. Exactly. We don't know what to do, but we'll make you stop thinking about it for a bit. Exactly.

Thank you for email, Gem. I hope you're doing okay. I hope this episode has distracted all of you from whatever shit is going on in your lives. You really put my pickled onion story into perspective, actually. episode has distracted all of you from whatever shit is going on in your lives if you want to get you put my pickled onion story into perspective i feel i regret saying that before that lovely email if you want to get in touch this is how email us hello at lockdown parenting.co.uk or tweet us at lockdown parents or instagram lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff, P.O. Box 76748, London E99DW. We will be back next Tuesday.

We will see you then. Goodbye, Rob. Bye.