Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP59: LIVE FROM THE SCHOOL GATES

Episode Date: November 17, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S01 EP59: LIVE FROM THE SCHOOL GATESMore misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, this is Josh, obviously. I am here to tell you that this is Friday's episode of Lockdown Parenting Hell. Tuesdays, we'll be going out on Friday. We've basically, what we've done, we've swapped them for one week only. You'll be getting your special guest on Friday. You'll be getting me and Rob and your correspondence on Tuesday. The reasons are technical and far too boring to go into, but I hope you enjoy them all the same. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett.

Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell, the show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing.

Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Albie, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Whittacombe And Josh Whittacombe. Josh Whittacombe. Oh, not bad. I like the word, Josh Whittacombe. Josh Whittacombe.

Sounds like A-caster, James A-caster, Josh Whittacombe. It did sound a bit A-caster, but it is Albie, who is two and a half. On the subject of making Rob's trick of boring things sound exciting, I have nailed this. He loves hoovering to the point where he now calls himself the dustman. The dustman.

And he will proudly give us all turns so we can share the excitement. The dustman. We've been doing a thing with the girls in the play. We've got a playroom and it gets really messy to tidy it up because they're very competitive we're finding and what we do is um Lou's got this little app on her phone it's like a it takes 30 seconds for a dinosaur to like complete a race so she holds it up and says right you need to pick up all that paper and put it in that drawer before the dinosaur wins the race go go go you guys are so good at this stuff it's a good idea that one and I can't remember what the app is but she does that and then she goes right right, and it stops.

It can't be too long to lose interest. So you pick each individual activity, and they go, right, another race, and then it's a race in the dinosaurs to tidy. God. You're the parenting troubleshooter, Rob. That's who you are. Also, I got an idea for a new feature, Josh. Yeah.

Like niche observational parenting comedy. Lovely. Stuff that parents, if you were at a gig and you did it right most of them wouldn't laugh but you'd get like three laughs of just insanity from the people it really clicked with yeah and it's frustrating because you know it's a good bit but it's not they've got mass appeal to be something that you can put in yeah to a show this is the audience for it yes it's It's that far-right conservative politics. They'll grab a certain part of the country,

but the rest of the country are like, no, not for us. You know what I mean? But it's like, but, you know. So, for example... Well, shall we have a little sting where it's like the Live at the Apollo thing? Yeah, like what? Like the Live at the Apollo thing? Like Rob Beckett.

I'm sure you could get Rob Beckett coming on at Live at the Apollo, and then you can go into your bit, Rob. Oh, guys, you know when you need a bit of Sudocrim for the kids and you go to get that and you get the tiniest bit, but it's always too much. It's always too much Sudocrim. Even if you get the tiniest little finger swiping, it's always too much and you end up wiping it on your own arm.

Am I right, guys? I mean, it don't work as a delivered bit, but... No, but I like it. I think it is, yeah. Totally agree. I've never got the right amount of pseudocrypt out it's always been an astronaut it just never ends and it's just like it's just everywhere but yeah that's what i mean niche niche stuff i've i've i have got a niche observation actually that this is this is a feature built for you that i did yes this is a feature do send them in um that i did yesterday i don't think there's any uh more humiliating moment in your life than when you put something on your head to amuse your child.

And then they're just not looking at you for a long time. And you're stood there with a sock on your head. Go, hello? Hello? Sock man. You remember sock man? Do you know sock man? And then after a while while you just sadly take the

sock off your head as if you've never done it in the first place hoping no one saw even if like your wife or partner doesn't see or even like if no one sees and you but you know it's been on there that'll haunt your dreams for a couple of weeks. Remember that time I had a sock on my head for ages and no one even noticed? It's the classic philosophical saying, Rob. If you put a sock on your head in the woods and no one sees, have you had a sock on your head?

Oh, dear, that tickled me. Sockhead. Do send in your very niche observational stand-up and we will do it on our... On Parented. We should call it like live at the nursery or something. Do send in your very niche observational stand-up, and we will do it on our... On parenting. We should call it like live at the nursery or something. Like live at the... Live at the school gates.

Live at the school gates. That's your demographic, guys. What kind of pseudocreme are you using? Pot-based? Shout out if you use pseudocreme. Shout out if you use cowpul. Where are my Neurofen heads at? Where are my Neurofen guys at don't tell me you don't

alternate cowpaw to neurofen cowpaw to neurofen it means you get double painkiller for your kids orange flavor who wants that give me double strawberry oh my god i'm having a breakdown um tell us about i'm gonna have to open a window i'm too but tell me about a and e josh so my daughter, I wouldn't say she gets up early and I wouldn't say she gets up late. I would say she's the most, her wake up time is more erratic than any other child. So I've got friends who've got children that wake up after eight every day. What? Yeah.

Oh my God. That's too late. That's too late though. When they start going to school, too late, Josh. I know, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I'd hate

to be them yeah yeah we don't want that i won't want that either yeah you're right josh i like what time they get up at 6 a.m i like 6 a.m yeah they're losing two hours of their day yeah i think what you could achieve like do you know what i do normally is lay on the sofa half awake watching tiktok drinking three coffees that's what i do for those two hours. I don't know about anyone else. Exactly. Thinking about Sudocrem jokes. But my daughter is all over the shop. So this week we've had both 8.15 and 5.50. Oh my Lord.

Yeah. Which really makes it difficult to know when to go to bed. Yeah. Because you don't know. So this morning we had eight, but we'd gone to bed at 10. So I got the full 10 hours. Whereas like other times I can go to bed at half 12 and then I'm up at like six. So it's a very difficult situation, but it's fine.

Yeah. But earlier this week. Do you know when you say it's fine, that means it's not? Yeah. Do you know what? It does mean it's not. It does mean it's not. When something's fine, no one's ever when something's fine

no one's ever gone well that's fine it's always a moan followed up with oh i don't want to look like i'm too moany but it's fine well it's not is it because you just mentioned how much it annoys you if it was fine you i'd argue wouldn't say it because when something's fine i've never got at the moment this desk have you ever heard me talk about my desk josh do you know why because it's fine there's nothing good about it there's nothing bad about it it's fine right but if it is fine you don't need to say it's fine it's annoying it's annoying what is oxygen like it's fine isn't it it gets in gets out keeps you alive it's asthmatic i'd say it's more than fine i'm absolutely a huge fan of it

but it's fine so it's fine the bedtime's Well, I would 100% swap it for like a consistent 7am. Yeah, because you never know, do you? You never know what you're getting. You never know. It's like, you know, I know we draw probably too many football analogies on here. Yeah. But you don't want that player that can score a hat-trick but then can disappear in the next game.

And that's what we're looking at. She's Eric Cantona. You can chip it from the halfway line at 8.30am, wake up on a Sunday, or she's, you know, two-footing someone in the front row at 5am. Yeah, exactly. So I was really tired this week. Thought, I've got to get a good night's sleep.

Went to bed at 8.30. Why live? Why live? It's no life. It's not, is it? Is it? I hate that. Add a bit of a read.

Light off at nine. And then... It's like you're in Boston. I went to the cinema at 11.15pm. And at the time, I was like, oh, it's a bit late, isn't it? I'm actually going to the cinema now. Genuinely, last time I saw the end of match of the day Blackpool were in the Premier League so anyway my daughter's had a fungal infection in the downstairs region oh Sudacocrime central pseudocrime central so

so she woke up at 11 p.m when i'd already had to i already had two hours in the bag at that point rob from my 9 9 p.m sleep which it turned out i needed because she was in quite a lot of discomfort from it yeah and basically to the point where you, when a child is in the position where you take, you definitely take them to the doctors if it was daytime. Yeah. Now, now if that was an adult, you'd,

you would never take yourself to A&E, but when it's a child and we've got a, you're like, she's, there's just no way she's going to sleep here. We need to, I think we were worried she had a urine tract infection. Yeah. And it's hard though to tell a child, child oh we'll just go try and get as much sleep

as you can we'll go in the morning yeah we'll phone them at 8am and then we'll get put in a queue in the morning she doesn't understand that concept so went to the um hospital obviously only one allowed in so i sat in the car oh you love it there i drew the long straw you can swap the person oh can you did you i offered that's all you can do that's all you can do it's all you can do i hope you sleep did you listen to so i was worried because the next day was my i'm on i've got like a bit of a deadline i'm behind with with some writing and the next day was the only day that week where I'd put it aside for work and I was like I cannot believe this that this next day is ruined so I was sat in the car and also as well you'll be told that you've had an absolute touch so I'll do what

well you might you managed to get that 37 minutes sleep in the car that I didn't get well and how how on earth in any kind of world is that something that's been good for you exactly sleep in a car for 37 minutes but there was no way i was getting to sleep in the car so i ended up having to do my writing in the notes version of my phone oh god i was like i've got to get a day's writing fitted in in the notes version of section of my phone while sat in a car. How on two hours sleep. On the two hours sleep. Also, um, I've started doing like, uh, you can do these like 10 minute meditations on YouTube. Oh yeah. And it's really good. It's really,

I'm a massive fan of meditation and mindfulness. It's so good. It's so useful. It's really, really calm to me down. You might've noticed in the last few weeks, Rob, I've been absolutely full of the joys of spring. Yeah, you are. You do notice you've been seeing a bit less stress, I'd say, than you have been in the past. Totally.

I'm so much less stressed. I have those moments of stress, but I can move them on much quicker. That's good. And I find, even if you've had a really bad sleep, if you go and take yourself away for 10 minutes and do a meditation or mindfulness, it can give you like a little, it's like the equivalent of a power nap. Definitely. And then you feel a bit more energized for the rest of the day

and calmer about stuff but i'm a huge fan of it i'm a huge huge ambassador for it and i thought i'll do a 10 minute meditation sat in my car right yeah that's a tough ask you must be good at it but also then i started getting in my own head which is the mistake of meditation it's the one thing you're trying not to do yeah started worrying because i was sat there in the driver's seat with my eyes closed in the car park i started panicking about what it'd be like if someone knocked on the window and how much i'd jump so then i became too scared to close my eyes so i was trying that's no way trying... That's no way to meditate. That's no way to meditate.

Fully awake, on edge, in a London hospital car park. Genuinely, mate. I would have given of all thoughts. Waiting for your daughter to be checked out by a doctor. I felt like Buddha himself. If you manage to meditate there, you should just start a commune. Start a cult. You are too powerful for this podcast.

So anyway, I tried to do a 10 minute meditation and then tried to write stuff in notes on my phone for two hours. I'll just read you also some of the texts that the hell my wife was going through while this was happening. 17 past midnight we're in the waiting room quite a few people here uh 26 past midnight she's freaking out and won't

we in the potty 27 past midnight this is a disaster and you're a wide-eyed open meditate yeah i i hadn't started the meditate i hadn't started the meditation by this point, but I was close to needing it. Let's put it that way. 30 past midnight. I don't know what to do. She's freaking out and refusing. 37 past midnight.

She won't do it in the pot, and they won't take a sample that's been in the potty. I don't know what to do. Radio silence. I don't know what you're going to do in the car. Yeah, 1.05am. She did it. The tiniest amount, but it was enough.

Just waiting. 1.06, the waiting room is empty now, and she is absolutely fine. 1.27, she's like a different child now. Oh, no, and he got his happy kid who's fine. Did you panic a bit because she was just losing her mind, do you think? We did panic. She was in like serious pain and stuff. Yeah, they go mental with it.

202, we've been waiting for the results for an hour. And that's the last message. So I imagine that was just before the end. They're still there, Rob. You better come on. I've just changed my number. So that was my evening. What time did you get home in the end. They're still there, Rob. You better come home. But I've just changed my number. So that was my evening. What time did you get home in the end?

About quarter to three. Do you know what? Not the... At least she's been checked out and you've got the medicine. Well, we had that as well when the youngest was really little. She was about eight, nine months old

and she was having trouble and going to the toilet and all constipated like that. And then we was there for hours and hours and then we finally saw the doctor and then we thought we were waiting for... We had to wait for something like that. And then we was there for hours and hours. And then we finally saw the doctor. And then we thought we were waiting for, we had to wait for something like that.

And then she got in and she went, well, she's done a poo yet? It was like, yeah, about two hours ago. She went, oh yeah, you could have gone then. I was like, well, just don't mention that to me. Just, just how about you go, good, pretend to write something down and go, well, that's fine then, she can go.

Not, you should have gone then. Don't do that to my morale. People are just not aware of other people's morale enough. That's what I've realised. It's because you're so chirpy, Rob. It's because you're so chirpy. No one realises. Doctors can, you know, just got to try and manage information better and delivery of it. Just, you know, you know that you're just making me sadder

telling me that. That's not helping. Anyway. Do you want some emails? Oh, yes, please. I've got some good Instagram stuff as well it's the lockdown parenting mailbag but it's actually emails and there's no bag um can i give you one before we start yeah just a little bit of it's a quick one um i had to share the news of my friend's baby arriving baby guess the name malcolm or gavin malcolm introducing malcolm and this is screenshotted from a phone of a friend so i don't know if we're allowed to give out there but little baby malcolm was born yesterday at 10 30 a.m a healthy pouncing baby boy i mean i don't think you need to put boy in there he's called malcolm it's such a strong name for a baby girl um but yeah baby girl literally born in september so that's good isn't it do you know what

imagine if it really takes off good to see if this if malcolm becomes a bit of a boring name where everyone's got it yeah you know like james or oliver one of them oliver and one of them right this is from dorothy barker hi josh and rob referring to the episode and the confusion over whether josh's parents lived in devon or heaven the daughter of our family friend uh who happened to be her child minder moved to devon uh little after she turned five tessa was of course very sad that her friend had moved to devon and could talk about little else she was missing a friend terribly, would tell everyone about it. The only problem was she kept telling everyone that she was very,

very sad as her best friend, Abigail, had gone to heaven. Oh, no. How old was she? Five. Five? Oh, God. Imagine getting that information delivered to you and you're like sort of a friend of a friend or like a teacher.

As you can imagine, people were feeling suitably upset for her, especially when she started telling everyone that she wanted to go to heaven too to see her friend. Oh, God. We even got a phone call

from her teacher to discuss support we could put in place at school to help her cope with her grief. Oh, that's horrible. I mean, you just have to, every time you introduce her to anyone, go,

Abigail's her friend who's still alive but lives in Devon, and she gets confused between Devon and heaven. Have a good day at the party. Yeah. So there we go. I mean, that is. You're not alone, Josh. I'm not alone.

I'm not alone. So this is from Maggie Harris. Go on, Mags. Hello. I'm Maggie, and I may only be 14, but I love the show. It's really helped me get through my schoolwork and being on my own at home all the time. In one episode, you were talking about the youngest Gavin and Malcolm

in another of the strangest names. I thought I'd get in touch to say, firstly, I know a five-year-old Gavin and a 10-year-old Malcolm. Oh, wow. Maggie, Gavin and Malcolm. Is that an Enid Blyton novel? Well, genuinely, maybe these names are more popular than we think, Rob. I don't think we're moving in the right circles for a Malcolm.

I think Malcolm is going to be more popular than Gavin, isn't it? Gavin's a bit more of a working guy. Who's called Gavin? Gavin Peacock, the footballer. Gavin's a bit more of a working grasshopper. Who's called Gavin? Gavin Peacock, the footballer. Gavin's a very British name, I think. I don't think they talk about it in America, do they? This is how boring my life is. I googled white-headed pigeon earlier because we had a

weird-looking pigeon in the garden and didn't even bother. That's the first time I read it. Something else happened. In the time it took me to google white-headed pigeon, I didn't even actually look where they're from. Yeah. actually an australian bird must have escaped anyway so she's got a five-year-old gavin a 10-year-old malcolm there's also a girl in my year whose name is chicken angel chicken angel i think i've bought chicken from there at 3 a.m in camberwell chicken angel sounds like a chicken where was was you? I was in Chicken Angel.

She was just going to Inferno's and he got a coat. The last place you want to find yourself at 2am is Chicken Angel, isn't it? Oh, bless her. She's going to get

so many of those jokes. She gets in trouble a lot at school. So over the loudspeakers almost every day we hear, Chicken Angel, please come to your detention.

I don't understand if Chicken Angel is the first name. Is Chicken the first name and Angel is the surname? Angel's the first and second name. But the Chicken, I've never heard anyone called Chicken. Chicken is a very, very unlikely name. Anyway, so she knows a Gavin and Malcolm and a Chicken Angel. A 14-year-old listener as well. Thanks, Maggie.

Also, a parenting strategy from my parents when they took me and my brother to Cornwall, we were little. Along the way, we had to go on a car ferry and my brother was absolutely terrified. So my parents told him that the boats drive along an underwater road. My brother still to this day believes them. So thank you very much maggie for all those if you're going to build it underwater just go a bit higher and have a bridge yeah very good point it's just a very low bridge it's a very low bridge it got a bit flooded here on the

channel i've got some really good names surnames stuff here as well if not some names um so hi robin josh first you just want to say how much i love your podcast and it has saved our sanity I've got some really good names, surnames stuff here as well, lots of names. Hi, Rob and Josh. First, you just want to say how much I love your podcast and it has saved our sanity over the past seven months. My mum, there's people. I'm just thinking there might be people that weren't pregnant when this podcast started and they got pregnant in the time. Do you know what I mean?

Or they've been pregnant the whole time. It's quite interesting, isn't it, Josh? Yeah. We could have people that listen to this without kids and then they'll start listening to it when they have kids. Anyway, they have kids anyways just you know those kind of things pop into my head along with why is that pigeon got a white head anyway this is from Rebecca I'm mum to two girls three-year-old Rosa and seven-month-old Juno we had our second daughter Juno at the start of lockdown so initially having a newborn and toddler with that our usual childcare and grandparents to

help was very full on. Listening to you guys did make me laugh and feel a lot better about our toddler's meltdowns. On the subject of all full names, I think I have a winner and could like to stress this is 100% true. I'm a primary school teacher and at my previous school in Peckham, there was a child with the first name Marvellous. Right.

And the surname Orgy. No. Marvelous Orgy. However, it was spelt O-R-J A-Y-Y. So Orgy. That's not going to stop the kids. I know, but that's

it's spelt Marvelous Orgy, but it's Orgy. They were French and I'm not sure the parents had realised the implications of his name. Wow. Also, imagine the poor Marvelous when he joins Tinder when he's older. What's his name? Marvelous Orgy.

Weirdo. No. Well, there is something worse that you could have on Tinder, Rob. Yeah. This is from Kirsten Smith. Hey, guys. Not apparent, but most of my friends are, so I've been listening to the podcast in solidarity.

Yeah. Not fully caught up yet, but just used a, just listened to the episode where someone had used a picture of themselves with Josh on Tinder. Oh! The very next day, I was on Tinder, and I came across this profile picture. Also, I should act as marvellous orgy.

He's actually a lady. He's a girl, not a boy. Sorry, I got that wrong. Oh, Joey is a picture of me. They've used your picture on Tinder, Rob. They've used my picture on Tinder as a catfish. It's Joey, who's 40. Oh, piss off.

40? And he's edited the picture. picture well i mean i i don't know we can put that on our instagram can't we joey should be asking that not me i can put a picture of me on instagram why are you stood in front of the most like the the newest brickwork i've ever seen in my life where are do you know this picture? No, I think he's cut me out and that's a fake background. I don't, I don't think I've ever been there,

but also as well, that's obviously taken from the telly when I'm talking to a producer off camera and he's made my eyes blurry. He's put me in a filter, but I look, I look like I've got makeup on. I look, I think I look quite good.

He's also whitened your teeth as well. I know. I think he's made them bigger. They're not like that. Are they? He's definitely whitened your teeth as well. I know. I think he's made them bigger. They're not like that, are they, John? He's definitely made them bigger. Something's looking exactly right. No, he's made that slightly bigger. Around the side.

He must have. They're not that big. It's an amazing decision to make. I mean, of all the people's faces you'd steal, I'm not a bad-looking bloke, but I'm not. Or maybe he's going for, like, not too good-looking to scare women off. But you're going to really, unless he looks like you, it's a very difficult thing to, I mean,

you're only going to get so far. Do you think? Also as well, like, is he American or British? Cause it's sort of like, I sort of would hope that I was famous enough now that yeah someone that would steal my identity would go and i won't say this because everyone know it is but he's deemed me so unknown and so low low level fame wise that i would be good enough to trick a girl into going on a date um if anyone else turns up uh joey 40 on tinder then uh yeah she said she didn't swipe

right as she found the whole thing frankly a bit creepy what my picture or the stealing of my identity she doesn't she isn't specific on that yeah i'm okay with uh identity theft but you just look awful so i'm gonna leave that but i think maybe he's stolen my face because of the look of a guy he's not bad looking but you can't you won't have to worry about him on a stack but the problem with it is rob the moment that he gets a date he's done for because he's not you or have you just uncovered my cheating wow do you know what is that my way to an affair i have then you have played a very very shrewd hand because i didn't you didn't respond you didn't respond. You didn't even blink with the worry about it. Shrewd hand.

Yeah, very shrewd. Yeah, well, I'll stick that on Instagram. Even though it is me, but it doesn't look like me, does it? It's like a caricature drawing. Yeah. Rob, anything from the Instagram? Yes, this one is from the Instagram. I love that.

The net, the online. It's from the socials. From the old World Wide Web. This is from Ella Josephine. Hi, I've just started listening to your podcast this week and I wondered if either of you had names for your children whilst your partners were pregnant. I used to call them Bernadette.

Did you? Just to annoy Lou that I was going to call our kids Bernadette. But we didn't go with Bernadette. No, we didn't really. We used to have... We had the name very early. My wife dreamt the name. But did you used to refer to the bump as the name?

Or waited? Just called it like... It? It. The baby? I wasn't too cutesy about it. Do you know what I mean? I think we were worried by saying the name, you were basically humanising a lump. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? And when you're very anxious as a parent, if anything's going to go wrong, we were very careful to not over humanise what it was in case anything went wrong. So I just said sort of Bernadette with the second one, being a bit cockier and stuff. But like with the first one, we just called it The Bean

because it doesn't look like a kidney bean on the first scan, doesn't it? And we just kept calling it The Bean. And then that was going forward, I think we were just sort of, maybe, I don't know if it was worrying too much. We used to just say The Bean and stuff until we were born. Sounds rude now, but we didn't use it in that term. We were just, because it looked like a bean. Of course, you know, I was taking the moral high ground on that one.

Did you have your names? What was your score with your names? Did you have them before the, your daughters were born? Yes. Yeah, we did really. Yeah. They were all sort of lined up. But yeah, but I'm, yeah,

I can't stand it when people go like, oh yeah, you know, oh yeah, we've got a name, but we can't tell you. Yeah, but we do know, but I've not told anyone anyone not with my mom and i was like i don't give a shit i don't care couldn't care less mate couldn't care less um but yeah we had it and we just sort of like straight up you know we told people we're going to call the kid but we didn't refer to it as those names until they'd arrive yes um anyway so you didn't you just you didn't no because we had the name in early doors and i think i just don't think i'm um i don't think i've got a creative enough mind to have come up with a second name oh josh you're

writing a book in a car at 1am whilst your kids getting antibiotics and you've got your eyes open whilst you're meditating you're creative this was pre-meditating now obviously i'd be the the names would be all over the shop well yeah, yeah, that's the thing. I think it is actually better to have kids when you're older because you're more relaxed and not as nervous. You've not got as much work stuff going on, all that kind of stuff. But you'll be even more tired. So it's a trade-off, isn't it?

Do you want the energy and exhaustion from anxiety? Or, you know, you're quite chilled, but, you know, you will put your back out. Right, here we go. I don't have children myself. This is from Ella. But when my mum was pregnant with me, my nickname was Zinzan after the All Blacks rugby player.

Zinzan Brook. Zinzan Brook, yes. And as a continuation of the Zed thing, and also because she kicked my mum so much, my younger sister got the name Zinadin Zidan. This must have been around the time he got sent off for attacking that man's stomach. Anyway, one time when my mum was quite heavily pregnant,

she and my nan were doing the shopping. When they were putting stuff in the bags at the checkout and about to pay, my sister must have kicked a nerve or something so our mum could barely move and she sort of almost collapsed and just stumbled. And my nan said, was it Zinedine Zidane again? Which for the cashier must have been... It's like the mum's

like a voodoo doll and Zidane just headbutting it. Would you ever go with like a name like... Like that would be such a mad name to suddenly go for

out of nowhere like Zinedine. Like going for a name of someone who's like so you know when there's names that are so associated with one person no but yeah because that's quite uh it's it's a fairly you know original name anyway but also he's mega one of the best footballers ever yeah and I think it's I think it's like I suppose Diego would be Cristiano would be a similar one I suppose he. Well, he took Ronaldo on, didn't he? And he became more famous than original Ronaldo,

which is remarkable, isn't it? That is bold. Yeah. But I think it's an Algerian name, Zinedine. But there haven't been many other famous Zinedines. But yeah, I know what you mean. Like other like, you know, other names like Madonna. But then she nicked that.

She nicked that. And she's, do you know what? She's made it her own who's the most what's it like who's the most famous person in the world uh donald trump donald trump was yeah there must be some other trump's knocking about would you change his surname hitler adult adolf there can't be died out that he did die out cannot be another adolf anywhere because either one you're a racist and you're doing it because, you know, you want to support his cause, as it were. Or the other option is you've never heard of him.

Which I... It must be someone. It must be people in the world who haven't heard of him. We've called our baby Adolf. Who? What? He did what? Bloody hell. hell you think that'd be more famous wouldn't you do you want some um no stroking um stuff rob we get so much no stroking stuff

yeah i want to draw a line under it okay so we'll just get through a bulk of no strokes and then we can move on so this is from jasmine okay so the no stroke is a strong baby knocker out as she says i meet nine babies minimum a week and i've had people call me the baby whisperer i'm a newborn photographer part of my job is to get babies to sleep so i can take these cute baby sleeping photos they're brand new beaming with pride parents what is the trick the nose stroke no way she would know though wouldn't she the reason it works is that it forces the baby to close their eyes possibly the fear of being poked in the eye maybe i should have done that when i was sitting in the car

yeah or you know the person who's worried about knocking on the window what if they put their hand through the window and just give you a little stroke would that be helpful or terrifying i mean if it got you to sleep that could be the new kind of mugging couldn't it rather than threatening people physically go up to them stroke their nose they fall asleep and you take their wallet yeah all that waste in the time we've like was it you know that in spy films they put like a rag of chloroform is it chloroform yeah and that knocks them out just little no stroke you know you can take the wallet. Perfect for the next Bond movie. That would be a great, that feels like a Netflix series,

The No-Stroker, about this guy that would just basically get people to sleep and then steal all their stuff. Like the wet bandits in Home Alone, The No-Stroker. So, he's already in a film, Rob. Hi, guys, this is from Philip Taylor. Like you both, I have a young daughter, so don't know what I've done within lockdown without Frozen 2, which is definitely better than the first one, he says.

During the latest viewing, I noticed something that made me think of the show. When Anna and Elsa's mum sings All Is Found early doors, she gets Anna to sleep by giving her the nose stroke. Oh, it's in film. It's in film. It's got to be true. nose stroke oh it's in film it's in film it's got to be true if disney said it's true it's true five strokes and it's game over i attach the link wow and you think of all the the enemies arna and elsa have to face and really all they've got to do is give her a quick five stroke on her nose and then they can do whatever they want i'm sending

the youtube there i'm just going to watch it myself i haven't watched this we'll put that up on instagram and then we'll get a letter from disney's lawyers and take it down a letter right they'll email the nose stroke she's stroking her nose and she's straight to sleep it's a classic nose stroke it's the little finger on the nose five times and arna is out like a lie the little finger i'd always go index that's where i was going wrong the first time ah you was using index like the nose stroke is the way to go the little finger is softer isn't it than the rest of your fingers because you use it less don't you the little finger's almost there just in case isn't it maybe it's because i've got such hard workman's hands from all the manual work that i do rob that the nose straight wasn't working do you think that's the problem yeah that's probably what it is you're always done b and q in it doing diy

weird that you go there to do it you know just just replace the window for you don't worry about it when i was a kid we went on a school trip to b&q where you grew up sounds so weird we went to b&q and then we had lunch in the car park and genuinely looking back we bought a lot of shit when i was a kid and just thought that's what other schools did that is the worst school trip let us know if you had a worse school trip than that but going to b&q they they styled it as like one of those things where you're like learning how retail works but the fact we had lunch in the car park hints to me that b&q didn't even know we were coming that is what i think as well but i went to thought park on a school trip that's not that's not a school trip i know that's awful you're just going to thought park it's a day out know, and it was like in school time.

It wasn't like a weekend. Really does sum us up. I went to B&Q, you went to Thorpe Park. Worst school trips, do get in touch. Or we're done with the nose stroking. We've established it works. There can't be anything, unless there's some sort of scientific evidence

or any other moments of nose stroking. I think we're done with nose stroking. We'll have to draw a line under it. We'll draw a line under it. Thank you very much. If you want to get in touch, this is how. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk

or tweet us at lockdownparents or Instagram lockdown underscore parenting. And you can also send us stuff, P.O. Box 76748, London E99DW. Thank you very much for listening, guys. We will see you on Friday. Yep, see you on Friday.