Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP61: An ode to the side note

Episode Date: November 24, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S01 EP61: An ode to the side noteMore misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in t...ouch with the show here's how:EMAIL: Hello@lockdownparenting.co.ukTWITTER: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: hello@keepitlightmedia.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.
Starting point is 00:00:34 Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Ruby, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe.
Starting point is 00:00:58 There we go, that is Ruby, who is probably, I'd say one and a half. It's my friend's child, so I'm not exactly sure. Oh, I thought you were guessing from the voice. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I was guessing from the age. Do you know what a good way to guess the age of a kid, right, is when you see a key, I can't work out how old that kid is, right, because some are bigger than others, some are smaller for their age,
Starting point is 00:01:23 is the hair, the length of the hair that is the giveaway yes you see the tiny little one with like hair down to their like the bottom of their back you're like that is a tiny kid that's probably about seven there's a girl at nursery who what is she like three or four she's got proper hat she's she's basically got a rachel it's just they give her a proper haircut no i don't i think she's got a natural rachel it's like she's wow oh what what that girl is just gonna be the people will be so jealous of imagine just yeah my hair's naturally a rachel i mean you're 25 years too late but it's still yeah it'll come back around with it um josh you're all it going? Well, I will come to that, but we should say that we're doing a bit of a change of format, aren't we
Starting point is 00:02:08 Rob? Oh yeah, we've had a number of meetings, we've got in a consultancy team, all the bigwigs have been involved and we've decided to change it up. That's not really true either, is it? That's not how it works at all, is it? No. Explain what's happened Josh. Last week we had a bit of a problem with the tech on an interview, so in the end we
Starting point is 00:02:24 had to put the interview out on the Friday and the one where we just chat on the Tuesday. And it turned out that both of them were the record numbers for that day. So it turned, we were like, oh, people must prefer it this way. It's that happy accident. It's like when Warren Buffett bought Coca-Cola and raised the price by a penny and earned loads. Is that right?
Starting point is 00:02:45 Because they sell so many, so they just increase it by a penny and earned loads. Is that right? Because they sell so many, so they just increase it by a penny on all of it, and then it just increased profits by hundreds of millions. Oh, there we go. Yeah, it's exactly like that, except for the hundreds of millions situation. No, no, it sort of just went up a couple of hundred people. Yeah, a couple of hundred people.
Starting point is 00:02:59 But that's good, though, isn't it? So now we've realised, and also if we do the interview with someone on a Friday, it gives us four days of the week to find someone and interview them. Exactly. Exactly, mate. It's good to know at the end of lockdown, too, we have just worked out how to do a lockdown podcast.
Starting point is 00:03:18 It is, isn't it? I mean, do you remember, Rob, when we used to do two interviews a week? What a couple of fucking idiots. Mad, mad bastards. Where did we think we were? remember rob when we used to do two interviews a week what a couple of fucking idiots mad mad bastards where did we think we were two people a week oh my god looking back now that we could that strong we should just save them for months and months what a waste of people what a waste of people we were young and excited and stuck indoors we We only was allowed out for an hour. We had time. Are we going to be called?
Starting point is 00:03:47 Apparently, Boris has been announcing it's back to tiers, yeah? Yeah. No more lockdowns. So should we call it, like, the tier hell? Tier hell. Okay, it doesn't really work as well, does it? I don't know. The whole name thing does feel like,
Starting point is 00:04:02 but you know when, like, a band a band's like stuck with a bad name that like yeah that like doesn't work for them anymore you're like arctic monkeys don't change their name do they i'm sure they know do you know what i mean in a way it's a bit of a nostalgia isn't it that it's locked down parenting hell or we could call it just lph lph should we start calling it lph oh i don't know it feels like something a knob would do yeah it does hi guys lph oh you lph fans oh up. Just say the name of it. You're trying to prove. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:29 Yeah, well, let's not do that. But we're in now. We're in now, Rob. And we are podcasters. I'd say that's my primary income. Yeah, I wouldn't say sole income. No. But I would say at the moment, it's really, you know, smoothing off a few cracks. I'd say the microphone I spent £100 on six months ago is probably the best investment I've ever made,
Starting point is 00:04:50 including property. Yeah, and if you upgrade from 56K modem, it'll be excellent as well. Because the technical problem we had, the technical problem, don't try and blind our listenership with jargon. Your internet shit, bottom line. Yeah, jargon your internet shit bottom line yeah that is the bottom line you've ordered a cable and it's coming next well you said rob you said a
Starting point is 00:05:11 internet company have been in touch with you because they'd heard on this podcast that your internet was bad yeah i had a phone call from sky because sky do my internet which i must say and i'm not being paid to say this their internet internet is top notch. Okay. I don't have a problem. The other side of the coin, Rob, I should be clear. I've got Sky as well. Have you? Yeah. Really? Well, they rung up basically and said, oh, hi, Rob.
Starting point is 00:05:31 How's your internet? I was like, fine. I felt like it was going to be like a scam or something. I was like, fine. And they went, oh, because the management have said that they heard on a podcast complaining about your internet. I went, no, that's not me. That's Josh Willicombe.
Starting point is 00:05:42 But anyway, on the phone call, they said I could actually make mine even better. So now I am operating. I could run a small business from my, like, genuinely, I could have 20 people on laptops. I've got so much upload, download. Also, I'm not into my internet space, but she was just like, oh, wow, Rob, you are going to get, I just said all these numbers. And I don't know what I mean, but I was absolutely vibing after the phone call.
Starting point is 00:06:07 I've never felt so proud. I've done nothing. I'm putting the appeal out now. I'm here. Well, they said ring. They said ring. So ring up Sky. What, me ring them?
Starting point is 00:06:15 How dare you? They rung you. Well, what could I say, Josh? They've got my number. I do a bit more Sky work than you. I'm part of the firm. Do you know what I mean? Exactly.
Starting point is 00:06:26 I think the problem is, obviously, that they have phoned me, but it hasn't gone through due to the patchy signal that I get inside my house. Yeah, exactly. Well, they'll sort you out, Josh. And I think, you know, there's loads of things they could do for you. Anyway, this isn't an internet podcast, though, is it? No. We need to try and get back to some sort of form of parenting.
Starting point is 00:06:48 How's it going? Because I got an interesting text from you um it was quite early in the morning let me try and find it it was a uh five i didn't realize it was early right the last thing we were just talking about like i think i'm a celebrity two days before so there's been no pre-chat. And you just said at 5.33 a.m., getting rid of dummy, worst week of my life. And I know you must have been in a world of pain because there's no grammar there. And if anyone knows anything about the stiff-necked widow, you love grammar. You love grammar in a text. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:07:22 Exactly. Perfectly punctuated text. You write your text like a will. Nothing is, you know, is you know out of place genuinely I was writing that text like it was a will um but what's been happening there the worst week of your life I'd say since last Monday evening this has been the worst week of parenting since those mad early days yes the yeah the sort of when it's just carnage first few weeks yeah but the thing about the early days is you know you're you're stuck in it and this is it and then you can get out of it the thing about getting rid of the dummy so i'm going to give you the whole saga but essentially what's most galling about it which you don't have when you have a one week old, is you know that there's an out, that you can stop this pain happening at any point.
Starting point is 00:08:11 All you need to do is give up on getting rid of the dummy. Yes. And you are back on easy street. So I'll go back to the start, shall I? Yes. So we've been meaning to do this this but things keep coming up you know when like things are happening and you're like oh we'll just kick that can down the road i'll be honest what's quite galling is the week before we got rid of the dummy we'd reached a stage where she did
Starting point is 00:08:36 three wake-ups after 8 a.m in a row okay yeah so you're having a good sleep life at the moment which was unprecedented unprecedented Oh, yeah. And we were like, this is it. All we'll do, nip the dummy out now, probably 48 hours of a bit of issues, and then we'll go back to the 8 a.m. So I'll take you through my week. Go on.
Starting point is 00:09:02 Also, I'm so excited that you've not actually told me what's happened yet, and you've used the word galling twice. Yeah. So we'd obviously bigged up that the dummy fairy was coming, which we've been doing for a couple of months. That's been there. What do you want from the dummy fairy? She wanted a Elsa and a Moana dolls.
Starting point is 00:09:18 Fine. I order them. She then also requests a tiger from the tiger who came to tea. Okay. Do you know what? Fuck it. I don't really, I'm willing to throw money at the tiger who came to tea. Okay. Do you know what? Fuck it. I don't really, I'm willing to throw money at the situation. You went for the treble.
Starting point is 00:09:33 One day before the dummy fairy comes, box arrives for me. My wife opens it in front of our daughter who sees the tiger there. Oh my God. Oh my, no. Off to an absolute flyer. So it's Rose's fault. Yeah, well, Rose plays the idea that the dummy frary send that ahead to say that she's coming. Oh, it's getting too complicated.
Starting point is 00:09:56 It's like a Game of Thrones. There's so many plot twists. So there's a dummy frary coming at some point, but they've already sent something ahead. She sent the tiger ahead. But not in exchange of any dummy no just as a kind of uh yeah like a sweet like a starter just to wet the whistle yeah also for the people that aren't aware what the dummy fairy is dummy fairies when you tell your child that oh you need to the dummy fairy's coming so she's going to take all of your dummies and leave you a present like the two fairy so what
Starting point is 00:10:24 you do is you put all your dummies in a box and leave it at the front door or at the bottom of your bed and then in the morning is the present and that's the way to exactly yeah okay night one dummies left out bottom of the stairs dummies left out uh sorry i don't know why i'm not it's all right it's fine uh struggles struggles to get to sleep fair enough that's it yeah that's fair uh struggles struggles to get to sleep fair enough classic yeah that's fair we're like oh we've also made the decision you know whatever we can do in this situation for a few days to get her to get to sleep fine so we'll break some of our cardinal rules so rose sits in on the chair in her room which we know messes up her sleep but fine yeah
Starting point is 00:11:00 it's a trade-off for a couple of yeah it's a trade that's fair we know we can get rid of that yeah we've got rid of that. Yeah. We've got rid of that before on numerous occasions after she's been ill and stuff. Yeah, that's a classic one that you can just get further away from the door. Yeah. Yeah, okay. 2.30 she wakes up.
Starting point is 00:11:15 She gets back to sleep at four. Hour and a half. What, just crying for the dummy for an hour and a half? No, just placidly awake, really, which is actually more galling. Oh, galling again. Well, get ready for ready for galling well she gets to sleep at four the stress of the situation means i fail to get back to sleep so i'm up since half two and have you been doing shifts with rose or is it just you from after and rose is sleeping no no rose rose is in there to get her back to sleep. And I've just lay in the bed wide awake. So you've not actually been...
Starting point is 00:11:47 I've not achieved anything except... So Rose has done it all. You've just been in bed awake listening to her getting her to sleep. Well, no, I went in for the most part. And then once I was like sent back to bed, because there's no point both of us being tired, I then just lie there in a kind of tense adrenaline. Till 6am, I just think I should just get up and do some work because there's no point in me no 5am i think or half five or whatever
Starting point is 00:12:13 anyway she wakes up obviously i'm absolutely broken corporate that night so that's ideal to do on two and a half hours sleep so a corporate would be you doing a Zoom comedy set to a company for their Christmas party. Yeah, but I was doing it from a kind of TV studio near Heathrow. Oh, lovely. Where all the best showbiz happens. It was actually quite pleasant because it got me out of the house
Starting point is 00:12:35 for the second night of the dump. So I'd say at this point, spirits were quite low. I'd say I haven't seen Rose's spirits that low since, you know that bit about four weeks after giving birth when all of the hormones drain out of their body and they feel basically depressed for a week. Yeah, because they have that sort of the body releases that sort of like it's all going to be OK hormone. And then that rapidly disappears a few weeks in. Yeah. Well, it was a nice nostalgia trip in that sense. So that was Rose's bad day and i pushed
Starting point is 00:13:06 through later in the week the boot was on the other foot day two yeah much more positive oh rose had to sit in again for her to go to sleep she woke up half five couldn't believe my absolute luck i thought we've broken the back of this yeah she just get i woke up a bit early but it was slowly yeah she slept through the night day three and she's had a present from the dummy fairy after the first night. Yeah. But she has negotiated another one that's coming later in the week. Cause our friend did say, just keep throwing shit at them to get through this.
Starting point is 00:13:34 All right. Okay. I would say though, that seems like it wasn't the greatest advice for a weekend. And she's still, I'll be honest with you. Ever since Rose read on mum's net that this could last four months. So she had the teddy.
Starting point is 00:13:47 So she's had the teddy before dummies are gone. Dummies are gone. Elsa and Moana. Elsa and Moana. And then now another one that's coming that she wants because of the dummies. Elsa, by the way, who's got an arm that you move and she sings a song from Frozen 2. Yeah. Last night, she took Elsa to bed, fell asleep on her,
Starting point is 00:14:04 and she sung that song for an hour because the arm was in the correct position anyway that's neither here nor there a couple of good nights not too bad 5 30 and then a 2 a.m middle of the night wake up but goes back to sleep to 6 30 a.m think we're on to it here yeah thursday night absolute carnage again. What happened? Thursday night, so I can't, I'm trying to piece it all together like somebody's just come back from NAMM. Thursday night. Well, you text, when did you text me?
Starting point is 00:14:38 You text me. No, no, no, that was Sunday morning. Sunday morning was the lowest. We're only at Thursday. Okay, we're going. Thursday night, 2 a.m. backstroke, fine. But enough about my swimming. No, at 2 a.m. gave her a backstroke.
Starting point is 00:14:56 No, no stroke, just backstroke. No, no stroke, just backstroke. You stroke her back at 2 a.m. So she went... She went because she needed to get back to sleep. Fair enough. That worked. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:04 4 a.m. wake up. For the day? No, go in there needed to get back to sleep. Fair enough. That worked. Yeah. 4 a.m. wake up. For the day? No, go in there. She gets back to sleep. Once again, I fail to get back to sleep. Josh, I think you need a dummy. Genuinely, I've been sleeping worse. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:15:16 You could be the dummy fairy. Just suck on them to get back to sleep. Try it. Because you're obviously struggling to get to sleep. Honestly, I genuinely... i'm just so tense going to sleep it's like a it's because you're so nervous it's like you know you're waiting for some kind of test results but trying to get to sleep yeah do you know what i find you can't enjoy your evening because you're going oh that's good she's asleep now and then you think oh she
Starting point is 00:15:40 watched a bit more telly she watched that oh it's only midnight we can go to sleep at midnight and then the back of it goes well what if she wakes up at two yeah for the day you don't know what Oh, she watched a bit more telly. She watched that. Oh, it's only midnight. We can go to sleep at midnight. And then Becky goes, what if she wakes up at two for the day? You don't know what you're going to bed for. That's the problem. You need that consistency. Like you don't know what awaits. Yeah, okay.
Starting point is 00:15:57 So that was first. So Thursday night, right off. Then Friday night, last leg. So I only get back at half 12. I think this is a disaster. Yeah. She somehow sleeps through till 6.30. Oh, that's good.
Starting point is 00:16:10 And we think we've absolutely got this sorted. Oh, I forgot to tell you. Thursday, that was the worst thing that happened on Thursday. She woke up at 4 a.m. And she wasn't, like, crying. Because we'd been, like, encouraging her with, you know, well, you know, you're doing so well, you're a big girl, all this kind of stuff. And she so well you're a big girl all this kind of stuff and she's obsessed with being a big girl because she has you know with uh getting rid of the nappies
Starting point is 00:16:29 and stuff and she hates it if she's not called a big girl so we were like this is the right thing to do to encourage and then at 4am we were like so asking we were like so why have you woken up are you and she was like i can't tell you we've realized we've been putting such pressure on her to that she was doing so well that she was afraid of articulating like that she didn't like the don't not having her dummy and she was really struggling with it because she won't be a big girl then so she'd be yeah so that was like absolutely heartbreaking we weren't open to the emotion that she was going through of the lot it's like if someone went through a loss and you were just telling them, you're dealing with this really well.
Starting point is 00:17:08 You're a big girl. You're a grown-up. You don't need to cry. Don't worry about that. You'll be fine. I don't feel anything anymore. I'm such a big boy. So we had to have a bit of a change of tack on that one.
Starting point is 00:17:22 Yeah. So Friday she slept through until 6.30. Saturday I was basically walking on air, Rob. I felt amazing. And Saturday night, she woke up at 4.20, couldn't get back to sleep. So when I texted you at 5.30, I'd been up an hour and 10 minutes.
Starting point is 00:17:39 Oh, no. 4.20 is so early. You've basically had the week of like new parents, like newborn baby parents. Yeah. So last night was great. She slept from 7 till 6.15. Oh, that's good.
Starting point is 00:17:52 God knows what tonight awaits. But at no point has she had the dummy. So it will slowly just calm down. It will slowly calm down. But you've just had no sleep for a week. No. And like even like last night when she slept to 6.15, I was in bed nervous
Starting point is 00:18:05 until quarter past 12 i was lying in bed like like i had an exam the next day kind of feeling i think she's all right i think i do think i think it might be worth a dummy for you just for a bit should i try it we'll just see if it helps because kids seem to love it what are your thoughts on my week i mean i think it's um i i'll be honest i thought it would be easier but now now we're in we're in do you know what i mean this is it you can't back out now or it all starts again but the good thing is you've not given in and like panicked and gave her the dummy have you at all this week no and i'll be honest with you what's really good about this podcast is however bad it's going yeah it's really good to think oh this is some
Starting point is 00:18:45 good content for the podcast well that's one thing is you're up all night waiting thinking about the content rather than getting some sleep i was ready to record at half four in the morning on sunday morning rob where were you i mean as well it does show you like like what kind of mental state you're in because no one texts anyone at 5 30 a.am unless there's been like something, like that awful's happened. No, you're right. And you'd been up an hour. I think you've probably got in your head,
Starting point is 00:19:11 it's probably fine to text now. I've been awake, I'm on my third coffee. There is a dad, like there's a few dads who are, I know that friends are from various walks of life. And one of them, his daughter daughter is always being a good sleeper like she sleeps till gone eight and she's always just been a good sleeper and he's one of those people that simply believes that him and his wife are just just really chilled out people and that's if that's why that's why and i just couldn't bear to put
Starting point is 00:19:45 it on that group you want a group where people are like yeah and it's not your fault but i got you he wouldn't say it but you'd know he was thinking it yeah as soon as you saw the red report there's no there's no judgment from me josh i just think you know kids like some people just get good sleepers what can you do and also if anything if your kid gets up gone a every day they'll probably be a loser in life. Get up and go. Where's your get up and go? I didn't say it, but I'm crossing my fingers.
Starting point is 00:20:10 All I'm saying is, now, you know, my oldest is in school. The school, you can take them to school between, like, five past eight and 25 past eight. Do you know what I mean? Imagine your kid waking up at 10 past eight, and then you're going to have to set an alarm for your kid. Exactly, mate. 4.20, that's the place to be.
Starting point is 00:20:25 What you want is to be, mate. 4.20, that's the place to be. What you want is to be waking up at 4.20, have a couple of coffees, and then you can text your mate at 5 and the day's begun. I texted Ellis. They've had some good progress, though, which was a bit galling as well. There's another galling.
Starting point is 00:20:40 How's your week been, Rob? Well, I mean, it's been dramatically different, to be honest with you, Josh. I got an early Christmas present. Oh yeah. Which was a PlayStation 5. What? Lou, absolute legend that she is, managed to get a PlayStation 5 off the John Lewis website. Right? I don't know how. What kind of magic she did. But she got me one and I was supposed to be having it at Christmas. Like I wanted one for Christmas. But I've just started playing it because of lockdown. I just thought you know what screw you 2020 it's not gonna be a normal Christmas I'm playing my PlayStation now and I and I've been playing Spider-Man on my
Starting point is 00:21:13 PlayStation and Josh I think I can say this to you now and our listeners that I got emotional playing Spider-Man because the game or because you just couldn't believe you were playing Spider-Man well one I was like oh my god I've got the new console on launch day, which is just, you know, I never had that as a kid. And secondly, I've been so, you know, wanting to go on holiday. And the graphics are so good, I felt like I was actually in New York. And I was just swinging along, doing my little web slings, just like, I'm in New York. I felt like I was in New York, Josh.
Starting point is 00:21:46 Where did you go? I went to Times Square. I went up the Empire State Building. I tried to find the hotel I stayed at when I went last time. And I tried to get under the Statue of Liberty, but I've not unlocked that bit of the map yet. At one point, I just landed on a taxi and just went round for a bit and it was great I just felt so alive and what part of your day is this happening in Rob um when did oh to be fair I got the I got this playstation um
Starting point is 00:22:18 we managed to get it on that launch day and then I could pick it up Friday afternoon and the first time I got to play it was about 10 minutes before this podcast that we are recording Monday at 4pm. Oh, wow. Because of children ruining my life and work. But I tell you what, what a 20 minutes I had in New York. Just felt so alive. Just enjoying a taxi ride around the Big Apple.
Starting point is 00:22:42 I'm very pleased for you. Yeah, so we've had very different weeks. Does that mean you don't... Is that like when you get a joint birthday and Christmas present and then you actually regret it when it comes to Christmas? No, I won't because I'll just have to
Starting point is 00:22:52 play with my kids, won't I? Yeah. I mean, I can't go, oh, Christmas, and then I just go and sit on a PlayStation all day, which is what I want to do. Of course. But I can't, can I?
Starting point is 00:23:01 No. Oh, another big thing that happened this week, we put the potty in the bin what no more potty no more potty nappies are gone yeah potty's are gone because we've got the stall and the little seat that you put in the big seat so they don't fall in yeah that's actually do you know what well why am I saying that I was like are you doing what we could probably just because she's into that so I don't know why we need the potty but I'm not to lie to you. The last thing I need to do is implement another getting rid of. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:27 At the moment I'd stick with the potty and just work with the dummies. I've got an issue though. You can help me with Josh. Yeah. So once they forget, they remember everything kids, don't they? Once I was up in the attic, like in the loft, putting stuff away. And the five-year-old went, well, four-year-old, nearly five, five next month said
Starting point is 00:23:45 daddy can I go in the in the loft when she said this to me when she was about like two I went yeah you can but not yet you're too little which went when I went oh when you're five because it was a throwaway comment yeah and I just assumed five you know five when they're two five seems so long away did it right um but I was in the loft eventually could I go in there I know you can't not to your oldest but yeah not till I'm five no way i was like whoa that is amazing i think when she for her birthday i might just take her in the loft for a bit it's loads of insulation it's really hot enjoy um i've had a a trouser development oh go on yeah so it's not i haven't bought a pair of tracksuit trousers,
Starting point is 00:24:26 but I have made a decision, Rob, which I think is a good parenting tip. Yeah, go on. I've basically selected one pair of jeans as my parenting jeans. Okay, go on. Because what I was finding was every time we'd go out, I'd get muddy. Yeah. So now I've just got a pair of jeans that i'm not going to wash all winter
Starting point is 00:24:45 because otherwise you're just washing the new pair of jeans every time so basically whenever we go to the park i'm just putting on the same pair of jeans and the same pair of old converse that are i'm not gonna lie exactly how your parents imagine i would wear them on tv but they're much worse and i just wear them every time we go out now rob and it's it's so liberating i'm never concerned about mud ever again. Yeah, because you've got your little uniform. I'd call them, that's your park outfit. They're not your parenting outfit.
Starting point is 00:25:11 Yeah. But I don't even know. You put on the nice outfit and the kids will just ruin it immediately. So you might as well dress messy. Exactly. Exactly. But I'll be honest with you.
Starting point is 00:25:18 Get a tracksuit, Josh. Get a little park tracksuit. I'm not wearing a tracksuit to the park. Why not? Where else would you wear not wearing a tracksuit to the park. Why not? Where else around the house? I bumped into Ellie Taylor at the park yesterday. What if she saw me in a tracksuit? She said, interestingly, that the last time she was at that park,
Starting point is 00:25:35 she'd seen two people discussing whether it was the slide mentioned on our podcast. Whoa. Have we made the slide famous? We've made the slide famous. They're considering putting up a plaque. You've got to get a tracksuit. I don't know. What's wrong with people seeing you in a tracksuit?
Starting point is 00:25:52 Well, no, I just... I do the school run in a tracksuit. Yeah, I know, Rob. Would you ever do the school run in a tracksuit? No. It's just I've got a bit more self-respect. I put on my muddy jeans like the rest of them. Oh, dear. Well, anyway, I think you've just got to get a tracksuit. Are you just my muddy jeans like the rest of them. Oh, dear.
Starting point is 00:26:05 Well, anyway, I think you've just got to get a tracksuit. Are you just trying to hang out until someone sends us a free tracksuit? I'm not trying to hang out. I just, you know, I don't want to look like I'm, I don't know, like, odd travelling on a plane. Do you not wear a tracksuit on a plane? No. I haven't got one.
Starting point is 00:26:19 Do you wear it on a long-haul plane? What do you wear? My flying jeans. No, I just, like... You've got to get comfy, mate. You're too uptight. I wonder you're laying in bed fully awake, jeans on. Stiff neck, stiff trousers.
Starting point is 00:26:35 Stiff neck, stiff trousers. Get a bit of soft trouser in your life, mate. That's a game changer. Do you want some emails? Yes, please, Josh. Now, I haven't, for obvious reasons, I haven't had much chance to look at them, even though I haven't slept. There's a lot
Starting point is 00:26:50 of stuff on bad school trips. Oh, okay, go on. Shall we just try this one? If you think a school trip to B and Q, this is from Beck. If you think, not the musician, if you think a trip, I presume. I swear he won the best international mail at the Brits for about 20 years in a row.
Starting point is 00:27:06 And best British female, Annie Lennox, again. Right. Hi, Rob and Josh. Loving the podcast. If you think a school trip to B&Q was low budget, when I was at school, we went on a trip to the local Morrison's car wash. Oh, my God. Imagine a class of children walking up to Morrison's, standing in a group next to the
Starting point is 00:27:23 car wash in silence, waiting until a car went through and then walking back to the school. That is a low moment. I can't imagine what the guy going through the car wash must have been thinking, having around 30 kids in school uniforms staring at him. To this day, I've got no clue why any of this was for. I mean, what are you learning about there? At least with B&Q, there was an element of learning about retail, but car wash, there's no learning at all. There's someone here, this is kicking off, Rob.
Starting point is 00:27:51 Philippa, she's got taken to Tesco's on a school trip. To do the teacher's weekly shop. Well, I've got this one here from Emma. Said, hi, Rob and Josh, loving the podcast and it's definitely helped me feel better about my own lockdown and general parenting fails on the subject of children who pronounce words incorrectly you know kids sometimes get the first letters of two words the wrong way around for example they might say park art instead of car park well my friend's little
Starting point is 00:28:17 boy instead of saying popcorn used to say cock porn made going to the cinema a very funny experience as he used to continually shout it out in excitement cock porn mummy i want cock porn it's very expensive at the cinema cock porn isn't it i prefer to bring it in from the supermarket in my bag i'd say i'd argue that most porn has cock in it i mean it's quite, that's one of the most dominant parts of porn, isn't it? It is. Certainly, it's a classic of the sort. Yeah. You know, and even if there's not a cock in it, there's normally a fake one, isn't there?
Starting point is 00:28:53 Yes. Would you say? Have I said too much about pornography? I'd say, Rob, that you're probably outside of what the podcast was set up to cover. But then, you know, I think you deserve that after we've done... I couldn't say that on Radio 4. No, you couldn't say that on Radio 4 deserve that after we've done no you couldn't
Starting point is 00:29:06 say that radio four and after we've done 25 minutes on dummies i really do think we've really we've scratched that parenting bug oh yeah we've done the parenting stuff we just do stuff about we just have a quick chat about observations from uh pornography there you go fair doesn't it it does seem fair um right i've got a question here from michael winehouse um so not a question and a bit of correspondence oscar five really stumped me this week and i didn't have an answer for him only october but her oh my god i'm so tired sorry lads hi jess oscar five really stumped this week and i didn't have an answer for him i know it's only november but he's already starting to talk about christmas he was tucked up ready to go to sleep and asked me, how does Santa become Santa?
Starting point is 00:29:48 I did what all smart people do at this time when we don't have an answer and said, it's late. Ask me tomorrow. Thankfully, he didn't. But then a couple of days later, he remembered and asked me again out of the blue. During those few days, my wife and I discussed how we'd answer. But all of that went out the window and I came out with it's magic, and he was just chosen once upon a time. And then when he gets old, his son becomes Santa, and so on and so on. And he did exactly what my wife said he would and replied,
Starting point is 00:30:15 so that means that lots of Santas have died. Oh, my God. He then became upset. Oh, my word. Oh, my God. Now my son thinks Santa dies regularly and wanted to know when this Santa will die because he's really old.
Starting point is 00:30:31 I messed up. Michael Winehouse. Can't you just say they'll retire? I mean, it's too late now. Do you remember finding out? Well, I found out because one year, my mum walked past us, sat in the front room with a bag of presents and went,
Starting point is 00:30:46 if you ain't going to go to bed, I'll just put them out now. How old were you at that point, Rob? 10 or 11 or something. But I watched Sopranos at 11, didn't I? Yeah, it was a big year for you, wasn't it? You went from believing in Santa to watching the Sopranos. Exactly, yes. I think I experienced a lot quite young, looking back.
Starting point is 00:31:07 Yeah, there was an innocence to growing up in Devon that there wasn't to growing up in South East London, I suppose. Josh, I've got something that may be of interest to you here. I've just listened to the Doc Brown Ben episode and loved it. But my reason to message is to let Josh know about a programme on Netflix called Beat Bugs bugs which i think the entire soundtrack is comprised of beatle songs oh there we go i don't think i've watched an entire episode so therefore i can't offer a full critique but i have said it's pretty painful however now we can play the beatles with free abandon in our house i think she's discovered them
Starting point is 00:31:40 game changer there we go i'll give it a try i'll let you know i'll pop it on at 4 28 tomorrow morning right um do you want another message off instagram yes this one i mean i can't remember this story but i've got this this one's from uh lynn uh lynn abba right and it was uh hi guys i had to share this after hearing you talk about the listener whose daughter's dinosaur had noshed off her dad's penis in the shower. Oh, yeah, I remember that one. I don't remember this story. Alva forgot that story.
Starting point is 00:32:09 It sounds horrific. Was it like a toy dinosaur? I can't remember. And it was like eating. Yeah. A mum friend of mine co-parents with her baby's dad, who is gay. They are both, they met through a website, the partner's up, same-sex couples who want to have kids.
Starting point is 00:32:21 Yeah. Side note. Side note in an email? Side note. It's a side note in an email? Side note. This is a side note in an email, yeah? So a mum and friend of mine, co-parents of her baby's dad who is gay. They both are met for a website.
Starting point is 00:32:31 The partner's up the same as their couple. So they're not a couple, but they want kids together and they're co-parenting, right? She inseminated herself of a cowpole syringe full of his gubbins. What? And fell pregnant first time. Cowpole syringe?
Starting point is 00:32:42 Yeah, the old cowpole syringe. Having recently been through two rounds of failed IVF myself I found this an amazing example of homemade science it's fine it's it's a great I mean you know I don't think we can endorse this but if you're a bit strapped for cash pop it in a cow pole syringe and oak for the best anyway wow I've got a lot of questions about that when did he put it in the syringe where they're both in the same house? Why have you got cow polish if you haven't got a kid? Anyway, that's not even the story.
Starting point is 00:33:07 What? Here we go. The cow polish syringe is just, as you say, a side note. It was literally put, it's been in brackets. That's the most, that's the most, like,
Starting point is 00:33:17 sort of engaging bit of information I've ever seen in brackets. Do you know what I mean? That feels like it's a shame it's in a bracket. The sentence in its own right. Yeah um yeah well you know we've worked out how people um can do that but you can also go down the IVF way I imagine anyway that's not even the story my mum friend plays a common game with her two-year-old where she says she's going to eat him i.e mummy's going to eat your toes
Starting point is 00:33:39 mummy's gonna eat your nose when one day her two-year-old replies eat my willy mummy okay so you're in a predicament there aren't you he just thinks it's a game my friend swiftly stops the game terrified that her son is going to start repeating the tale at nursery or to someone else at some point and that she'll go into that she'll get into hot water with us i don't think eating a child's willy is hot water with social services i'd argue that's straight to the crown court. I got into a bit of hot water the other day. I only ate a two-year-old's cock. It's gone mad, hasn't it?
Starting point is 00:34:11 PC's gone mad these days. Can't do anything. Anyway, so my friend swiftly stopped the game. However, upon explaining that mummy won't be eating Sam's willy any time soon, her son replies, but Simon eats my willy all the time. Simon is her son's father's boyfriend. She's 100% certain that he absolutely does not partake in eating
Starting point is 00:34:29 their son's willy ever, but now is terrified that daddy's boyfriend eats my willy is going to get mentioned at nursery sometime and they'll be calling for a serious talk. Anyway, keep up the good work. I've got a two-year-old lunacy myself listening to your podcast during lockdown whilst trying to work full-time and deal with all the ivf woes that we've had in order to try and have another one maybe we're the lunacy really brighten up my days lots of love lil lil lil thank you very much lil lil lil i never knew i thought i'd go lynn for lynnette wouldn't you
Starting point is 00:34:59 yeah lil anyway lil thanks lil um i'm gonna bit. Anyway, enjoy the podcast after what has been an astonishing email with so many twists and turns. Anyway, that's the story. I'm not sure whether that's of interest to any of you, but enjoy the podcast. Side note. Side note. He's the cowpaw syringe.
Starting point is 00:35:19 Side note, my granddad's Adolf Hitler. Right, in brackets. See you later. What? You can't side note that. Well, you know, if you've got any good side notes, this is where to send them. Send us your side notes.
Starting point is 00:35:32 Can you send, right, this is the way we're going to do it now. If you've got something that's really, like, interesting and different, pop it as a side note. But then the start of the message needs to be something really mundane and boring. Hi, guys, it's been listening. And I hoovered the front room earlier. Side note, I've just had five children.
Starting point is 00:35:51 Thank you for listening. We'll be back on Friday. See you then. Bye.

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