Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP63: That's why I didn't get The Voice job...

Episode Date: December 1, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S01 EP63: That's why I didn't get The Voice job...More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Hi! Welcome to Day of Hell. Today the coronavirus has been very bad. Not everyone on the earth has got the coronavirus, so you better be careful.

I think that's the worst attempt we've ever had. I mean, that sounded like my brain in March. Did that child say, everyone on Earth has got coronavirus, so you better be careful? Yeah. I mean, right, so what, normally they just say our names, and then we go. I've just read the description, but it is, I found this voice memo that my five-year-old son, Max, had recorded without my knowledge. Oh, God. Oh, that's sad.

Oh, my God. I think Max might need to speak to someone. That is bleak, isn't it? A five-year-old worried that much about corona. It is in the news, Rob. Yeah, and at school. They talk about it a lot at school. So if you're at school, they'll be chatting about it.

But, yeah, it was quite a bleak intro, that, into what is, you know, we're cautious optimism, aren't we? We're being jolly careful to have a jolly good time. Obviously Max is, um, I don't know. He's, he's read a lot about this Bill Gates conspiracy.

He's quite into that one. He's not sure about it. I'm still waiting to hear the hooves running over the hill. If Boris Johnson mentions horse feet once more in a fucking briefing about our shit, all our lives are. I'm sick of it, Josh. I don't want to horse feet that's the phrase rob that's the rob beckett phrase i don't care about all speak running

over an eel i think he's still trying to be like that's the funny one isn't he bojo yeah yeah well we'll see how he is we've got him on in a couple of weeks haven't we oh he would be a great booking wouldn't he he would be a good booking i should be clear that we haven't got him on in a couple of weeks before we start getting emails from people going, really looking forward to the Boris Johnson one or I can't believe

you've got Boris Johnson on. Oh, that'd be great, wouldn't it? I'd just be like, you know, how much have you used long COVID to get out of parenting? Because I think

if I had it, I'd really ham that up a bit. Like, oh, I just feel a bit weak still after. You know, it's all fine. I've not tested positive for a few weeks, but just a little bit weak still. Well, do you think, because obviously Carrie didn't like Dominic Cummings, do you think when he got rid of Dominic Cummings, he was like, can I have a lie-in tomorrow?

I've got rid of him. Come on. Let me have a weekend of parenting. We've got very political. Let's be honest. We haven't got very political. Josh, can I say you sound crystal clear. What's going on?

I bought a lead. So, yeah. So I've gone back to having not Wi-Fi. That's basically what's happened. So you've had to plug it in old school. Plug a wire. I plugged it in old school. There's a lead going down to the sitting room.

And it's not as long as I thought the lead going down to the sitting room and it's not as long as I thought the lead was going to be so it's quite it's quite tense and I'm worried that one pull from the sitting room and my computer could fly off the desk at any point so that'd be exciting like someone like trips over because is it I imagine it's sort of dragged across the room up the stairs and it's a bit is it a bit of a health and safety hazard yeah I have I haven't I mean it came with some of those little um things that you attach to the wall above the um yeah they went straight in the bin you're plugged in now and you're raring to go josh i feel like my voice is like it's just

sharper oh it's like velvet anyone's talked about your voice before i um if anyone's looking for any like voiceovers for like flake adverts or anything i really feel like i can do them from home now really why don't you say deliciously smooth chocolate for all the family and see what that sounds like in your voice now it's all sexy and clear deliciously oh deliciously smooth chocolate for all the family you struggled with the deliciously yeah so did you though when you set it up is it You struggled with the deliciously. Yeah, so did you, though, when you set it up. Is it a really difficult word? Deliciously. Yeah, it's a tough word, that, isn't it?

I'd get rid of it if I was in the VO booth. Tasty chocolate for all the family. Tasty chocolate. Like it. How are you, Rob? Well, good. I'm all right. I've been, what have I been doing?

I've been, oh, I've got an idea for the show, Josh. Okay, go on. I've just come up. I've just been to my friend, and he basically said that he's 11 year old out of nowhere in the car said to him dad did you know kangaroos have three vaginas oh wow is that true or is the kid just bullshitting he's just freestyling on a kangaroo vagina i'm not gonna lie i'm not googling it i've just done it let's find out does a kangaroo have three vaginas kangaroos have three vaginas there we go there we go so i've got an idea for the show now off the back of that yeah what is your kangaroo on let's

talk which one do you use first why would you need three why would you need three um i don't know rob well they've also got that pocket as well they're like a swiss army knife aren't they yeah they are like a divorcee's combat trousers there's a pocket for whatever you need you keep your earnings in one pocket the child allowance in the other pocket um but yeah they're full of pockets so i thought this is good we could get our listeners to tell us facts they've learned from their kids that they never knew okay because i think it's all about learning isn't it so we'd quite like the name of your kid their age and the fact and it needs to be a fact you didn't know beforehand yeah okay that's good that's good because it happened to me as well this week

your children are a lot younger than that rob yeah i know so it's quite it's a more emasculating experience for you i i've always said this i will always if i don't know something i will always ask a question yeah i would always even if it made me look stupid because i'd rather look stupid and learn than not look stupid and not learn yeah you made the wrong decision there it's much better to not look stupid and not learn do you reckon because i will in a conversation with people that you know you speak to someone that's sort they're sort of like hiring a pecking order on you, whether it's at work or socially or whatever, or you're at a party, but you don't really know anyone.

And someone says something, I will go, I don't know what that means. What does that mean? Well, anyway, I've been told, my daughter's been doing like art at school and I've sort of really tapped out art early doors. And she's got a favourite artist. She's got a favourite, well, she says it's a favourite favorite artist i think it's one artist that the teacher must have mentioned and her name i said it i

sent it to you didn't i yeah what's the picture her name is yayoi kusama she's this japanese lady who's like 91 yeah she does art with like little dots right and she does a big pumpkin and then my daughter kept on saying to me i I love Yayoi Kusama. I was going, what is that? I thought it was like something on like Cartoon Network or something. Yeah, yeah. And then I went, I don't know what you're talking about. And she actually had to, she had to spell it out to me, to Google.

In phonics? So Yayoi Kusama. So I learned that today. And I think I've got an officially middle-class child now. Yeah, I think you're in serious trouble there, Rob. You very much pinpointed the moment at which she overtook you. Yes, yeah, and it was the first week of primary school. But that's what you want.

That's progress. Exactly right. Who wants a kid thicker than them? Well, I'd say at the age of five, you should be able to. I'd say when they're five. I like a bit of mental sparring do you know i'm eating doors she's not sparring with you she's playing with you like a cat would play with a mouse rob um and the other thing i've been doing josh is i've been watching because the kids get a

bit older now you can't watch certain things in front of them can you when they're babies you can watch like the walk in bed or whatever you know stuff that's a bit swe now. You can't watch certain things in front of them, can you? When they're babies, you can watch like the walk in bed or whatever. You know, stuff that's a bit sweary or whatever when they're really little. But now they pick up on everything.

So I've been watching and it's been making me upset. I've been watching on Sky Sports. They do a thing where it's like Arsenal v Chelsea, all the best goals. What, in the history

of the fixture? Yes. And I'm an Arsenal fan and I don't know who that's for. Basically, I'm like, yeah, Arsenal score. It's't know who that's for. Basically, I'm like, yeah, Arsenal score. It's like being in

sort of an abusive relationship. I'm like, yes. Go on, Omri. Go on, work out. All of a sudden, Drogba turns up and scores an hat-trick and I'm just like,

oh, God, this is awful. Yeah, it's for fans of London football. I don't know who'd watch it, though, because the Chelsea fans get the ump and the Arsenal fans

get the ump. I'd watch Arsenal goals against Chelsea. Yeah, of course. But don't start slipping Chelsea goals in no you want you want the Thierry Henry 100 club documentary they do yes that yeah maybe I'll just watch that so I thought there was going to be something to do you're not allowed to watch in front of your kids but it's just that you don't like the Chelsea goals yeah no that's what I've been starting to watch stuff that you know you can watch football in front of them yeah because it's like you know not that I can't watch you know it starts to limit what you can watch yeah yeah oh you know

and if i'm on my phone they jump on me and just say show me funny animals and then i just search funny animals into tiktok right right that could parent it yeah um yeah i think it's fine i think it's better than if you were just on your phone. I feel a deep guilt about being on my phone in the same room as my daughter. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And do you know what? A child isn't stupid enough to be tricked by. Yeah.

If you're watching TV with them and you think you've got your phone, like, on the blind side of your body and you're just looking at it with your hat. Oh, they know. They know. Anyone who thinks that they don't know, they do know. Like like just using your leg to mask the fact that you're reading twitter you're not getting away with that mate no they know they know but when they're little you can get away i used to cradle them in my arms playing fifa as they slept and at that point i thought i've absolutely nailed life and looking back i, I really had. You really had?

It peaked then. Yeah, you can't cradle them in your arms or play FIFA. How's your PlayStation 5 going? Oh my God, I love it. I just fucking love being Spider-Man. Sorry, I keep swearing. I just say it's so good. It's like being in New York, Josh.

It's outrageous. Do you know what? I'm going to admit it, Rob. I think adults that play games, consoles, need to have a word with themselves. What would that word grow up what do you do instead then what do you say everyone leaves the house say like because we used to ask our guests this in proper lockdown say um what say everyone leaves the house it's never happened rob okay so rose takes your daughter away say there's no lockdown rules anymore right and rose this weekend is taking your daughter away. Say there's no lockdown rules anymore, right? And Rose, this weekend is taking your daughter away to her mum's for three nights. You've got, and you're not working Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

What is your weekend? I know the pub's open. Yeah, so it's like normal times. I would definitely go out Friday and Saturday and Sunday I would get a curry. Okay, so you're going out. So what are you doing in the day though when you're not going out or the Sunday night? Just watching telly? Yeah, I just're going out. So what are you doing in the day, though, when you're not going out, or the Sunday night? Just watching telly? Yeah, I just watch telly.

Yeah, or in the day, I'd be hungover, so I'd get up. I'd probably get up so late, Rob. I wouldn't, would I? I wouldn't. That's the thing. What would happen? You'd be up at 8 a.m. I'd be up at 8 a.m., fucking livid at myself for my body clock.

Absolutely furious. So you're up at 8 a.m., friday morning 8 a.m you're not even hung over yet because you're not gone out it's friday part of it do i get friday the day i work on fridays no but no you're not working all right okay so i've got friday day yeah um do you know what this is so bad i can't remember what i used to do what did i do that is so sad did i must have used my time in the first 34 years of my life somehow what did i do i've got nothing i'd like what look at my phone i wouldn't spend friday reading a book i'd never read a just sit and read a book in in the living room like i'm a victorian like i'd read a book in bed never read a just sit and read a book in in the living room like i'm a victorian like i'd read a book in bed or on a commute so that's what i'm reading

yeah watching tv but i don't do that in the day so you're at this point you're just sat on your bed waiting for it to be time to get dressed to go to the pub yeah i mean i just don't understand why my life's gone. I've given you a whole weekend to do whatever you want. It's 8am and you haven't picked anything yet. No, I'm absolutely stuck. I'm absolutely stuck for things to do. But I tell you what I wouldn't do.

What? Play a computer game. Why not? Because it would feel, I'd feel guilty and like it was a waste of my time. Yeah, that's because you care too much what people think and society doesn't put enough respect on playing computer games it looks like a loser it's always been defined as a loser stoner thing to do or children you're pretending to be spider man yeah it's great what are you doing sat down going what is my life that is that i'm being spider man and you're laying in a bed thinkers rob i'm pondering on what is life life? I'm being Spider-Man and you're laying in a bed. I'm one of the great thinkers, Rob. I'm pondering on what

is life. You're observing. Doing some other... I'd probably go to the shops. I'd meet up with people. That's what I'd do. You'd organise lunch with that kind of stuff. Yeah, that's exactly what I'd do. Okay, fair enough. But I'm just saying, games are

really good fun and you can play with your friends online and talk to them. And it's a really good laugh, Josh. That's all I'm saying. So who do you play with online? Nick the Greek. I met him. He's Joe Swash's best mate.

I met him in Australia doing The Jungle. Right. So you're playing Spider-Man with Joe Swash's best friend? No. Yeah, I am, actually. Yeah, that's how you... And the Call of Duty, the shooting, like the war game. Who's that with?

Like Joey Essex's brother? Who are you playing with? My mates play. We play the Warzone together, my mates and stuff like that. It's good fun. I think it's moved on a lot since your early days. But, you know, my daughters, they were loving being Spider-Man. Yeah, because they're three and five.

I'm enjoying it, Josh. Yeah, fine. I can come round when you're allowed to, whenever it's not against the law, and I'll show you Spider-Man, and I think you'll really like it. I don't like the computer games that are based in a... I mean, you're going to not enjoy this. I don't like superheroes.

I think people need to have a word with themselves about this whole superhero thing that's been going on recently. You're going to be. When your daughter's older and you she wants to go like she's into gaming or she's into a band you're gonna be that dad at like a one direction concert with his ipad and headphones on watching the snooker as an as an event I've told you Rob that I can't I won't I'll have hidden the ipad just behind my leg so she won't be able to see it that I can't, I won't, I'll have hidden the iPad just behind my leg so she won't be able to see it. There's a great, I think it's like a Twitter thread thing or just online memes of dads at concerts with their kids.

Yeah. Something they hate and they're either reading a book or asleep or watching something on their phone. Did your parents take you to anything that you think they, in hindsight, hated? Oh, well, we used to go to wrestling, which I don't like anymore. As in WWE?

Yes, but my brother was six years older. So he sort of like would chaperone us sort of thing. So my mum and dad didn't have to come. But I don't think there's that much that we used to go. My dad doesn't like football. He went to Crystal Palace a few times. And Arsenal a few times. That must be tough. Because my mum used to go, but dad doesn't like football. He went to Crystal Palace a few times. And Arsenal a few times. That must be tough.

Because my mum and my dad, so my dad does like football. And my mum got into football by going to Argyle with us. Oh, really? Yeah, but then she didn't have the mentality for it. She found it too, she got too emotionally involved and she found it too stressful. She cared too much once she got into it. So she had to kind of stop liking it again. it's weird because i've been thinking about this of like

oh what is it my kids are going to be into and i hope because you want them to like the things you like like for you you'd love it if your daughter like blur and then when she got to like 15 and i'd worry about how it would affect her school friend situation it's good you want them to be a bit different, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. But, but then the thing of like,

you have to try, what is the worst thing that they could get? I'm going to give you five things now, Rob, that your daughters could be into. I want you to put them in order of what you at least are most like to attend. Okay. Opera.

Opera. Okay. Okay. The second one is the comedy of Romesh Ranganathan, and they want to go to every date on tour, and he can sort you the tickets. Okay, all right. Number three is ice dancing.

Ice dancing, yeah. Number four is a terrible kind of children's band, like the equivalent of Steps, that kind of thing. Yeah, that kind of, yeah that kind of yeah and number five is uh slasher movies i don't mind slasher movies romesh should be fun but i don't think i could do every day on tour no or i'd start after about five in i'd start shouting the punch lines i think you'd be quicker than that i think i could preempt some of them first night first night um so i'm uh the steps music one i'd struggle with that that'd be hard work yeah um and slasher movies i don't mind because

lou doesn't like them so that'd be quite good so i think slasher movies good romesh good opera in the middle and the ice dancing not for me and no No. But I think as well, though, I think I can convince myself to love anything. That's good news for Lou. How's things going, Bitpatchy? We're not getting on, but I've just got to do a bit of convincing. I've just got to work on it. Just got to work on my own brain.

But I think I'm very good at seeing the positives in stuff. So like certain sports, like hockey or whatever, you know, I've never really watched hockey i've been engaged with but i think i could get into it i i think i believe that were i to be put in the situation i could probably get into any sport if i was exposed to it what if she was into gaming yeah i could get into that you'd love it mate you'd love it once you're in it you'd love it yeah it's also for you as well you have a little headset on and then i don't want to wear the headset. No.

You're too worried about what people think of you, John. No, there's no one there. I'm too worried about what I think about myself. And the moment I put on that headset, I think you absolutely, you are pathetic. No, but you could talk to your mate. You'd love it. Imagine being Josh Winnicombe. I can talk to my mates anyway.

I don't need a headset on and to pretend to be the Incredible Hulk. Anyway, should we talk about parenting? Yeah. So we've got through, I think, the good news is I think we've got through the eye of the hurricane dummy-wise after last week. Oh, yes. Sorry, I didn't ask about your dummy situation. How is it? I think we're there.

After 4.20 last Sunday, that was the lowest moment. And we're now looking at 6.30s and 7s, 6.15 this morning. That's good. Well, mine, with no dummies, wake up about 6 every day anyway. I think that's certain kids' body parts. Yeah, I just think. I've got a theory on sleepers that I think you're going to disagree with. Go on.

But from observing, you know, my friends that have had children, like Ellis has got obviously one child who can sleep well and one child who's not as good as we established um i think like obviously you can get them to a level with sleep training and stuff but i think always innately a bad sleeper is never going to be an amazing sleeper at any point they'll always default a bit to what they are yeah well some people just need their sleep i don't need much sleep to operate no you're like alex ferguson or margaret thatcher yeah i've got i've got the touch of the thatcher and the fergusons about me people always said that in my demeanor um this boy's not for turning that's always been my catchphrase

that's why i didn't get the voice job but i don't need a lot of sleep to like, and Lou doesn't either really. So it's no surprise where, you know, my brother, Dan always slept in late. Right. And then his, his son sleeps quite well as well.

So I think it's just different. People need less amount of sleep or more, you know, totally the amount. When I was a kid, I must've been up so early because of some of the things I remember watching Christmas. Everyone hated me in my house because I'd be up at five, buzzing for it.

And even now, as an adult, I'm up early. But I'd get up, and I suppose my parents must have still been asleep. I must have been seven or eight or whatever. And they'd still be – do you remember when they just used to show teletext? Yeah, you'd wait for it, something to come on. I'd get up, and they'd still be showing teletext. I must have been up at, like, five or something. It's insane that kids can just access anything on streaming yeah that block the thought of going to block i went to blockbuster as a kid and went to video shops as a kid right and that

was fun and i i experienced that and that's just how we did it the thought now of me saying to Lou, should we go and rent a video and driving 10 minutes to the town centre, parking, paying for parking and then walking around aisles of videos. The floor space needed. I'm not going to lie to you, Rob. We sound like two very old men, but...

I'm only 34. I'm going to say it. Our children are not going to appreciate any of those things. You don't appreciate the music as much when you can just click, you can just write it into Spotify. Yeah. If they had the Frozen album, rather than just being able to play it on every device in the house,

they would appreciate it so much more. It's all relative though, isn't it? Just because it's easier and more accessible, that doesn't mean it's like wrong. Like you don't appreciate it. No, no, I know. I'm of course, I'm just, you know know i'm just i i obviously prefer the past well my my dad my dad's 76 and he always goes like core there all the stuff that's changed and i think that's quite he was born in like 44 right so it's quite you know he had a war and all this has gone

on and he he goes oh if my dad was alive now he'll go core what's all this going on and i go if he was if he came back to life i think he'd be the issue not the fact that there's like mobile phones and he goes he's looking at it and he you'd never believe how busy the m25 is i'd be like surely that wouldn't be top of his list he probably didn't even witness the M25, let alone realise how busy it was. Yeah, I don't even know when that was built. But yeah, well, yeah,

we're all getting older, aren't we, Josh? You just have to, you know. Email in. What do you miss about the past? Don't. Rob, we've had a lot of people with their bad school trips.

So I've just got a couple for you. Oh, yeah. This is from Claire Marlow. Hi, guys. The mention of bad school trips. So I've just got a couple for you. Oh, yeah. This is from Claire Marlow. Hi, guys. The mention of ridiculous school trips has reminded me of my own school's 24-hour trip to France in year seven. We live in Lincolnshire.

So before we even began, it comprised of almost four hours of a coach to Dover, two-hour ferry to Calais. When we arrived, we traveled one hour on a coach to see a wall. Unsure what this wall was,

where it was, why we were looking at it. We then spent two hours taking notes about the wall, including drawings, before spending a couple of hours at a market where all the class bought knuckle dusters. That was the thing with kids that went to France. French markets,

laser pens, knuckle dusters. And bangers. And pornographic playing cards. That was it. Any kid that went to France. French markets, laser pens, knuckle dusters. And bangers. And pornographic playing cards. That was it. Any kid that went to France, they came back and they were like, they'd aged massively.

Yeah, I've seen some things, man. It's not like they've been to war. I've seen some stuff. This makes us 12 hours our trip. The following four hours, these are the detail I like, were spent in the Carrefour, I think that's pronounced.

It's basically the shop. Pushing trolleys full of wine, beer, and fags around for the five teachers who were in attendance. No. Whilst they made us add up the prices. No, as a mastery. We then loaded the understorage of the coach before shuttling the alcohol and cigarettes

down a row of 11 to 12 year olds to help with our teamwork skills not that stuff that's that they're absolute legends those teachers i am unsure my mum would have been thrilled she paid 80 pounds for me to do a booze run 80 quid she did get 200 cigarettes each day that is amazing i say complete respect to the teachers on that one i remember going on a school trip to i think it's ainsford in kent to see a ford a ford what one of those lakes you drive through yeah a little water like that big it's like a massive puddle that's a road and i don't know why we had to see it because i've never had much dealing with them before or since no there's

one in cornwall which uh when we went to visit relatives in Cornwall it was always always thrilling when my dad made the decision to do the Ford because obviously it depends on um the tide but I wouldn't have traveled for that specifically no and I'm not don't get me wrong I'm not saying there's no you know electric energy involved in a live performance of a Ford being run over by a sort of family estate car. That is a great bus. I'm all for it. I'm just saying, I don't know what educational purposes that served.

When would that ever come up? Yeah. I mean, most of my school trips were kind of educational. You expect like a historic castle, don't you? That's your classic school trip. Yeah, yeah. Or like if you go to France, you go to some trenches for the war stuff. Do you know what I mean?

Yeeps we went to. Is it yeeps? Yeah. We went to York and we did all of that stuff. We did the Jorvik Viking Centre. The Minster. The Minster. The Ghost Walk. It was great.

Yeah, that's not good. But yeah, some of those, there must be some sort of backhandery, like corruption going on. Do you know what I mean? Like if I'm a teacher and I know I'm taking 100 kids somewhere, I'll be like, how much to bring them to the Mortons? You know, I've got 100 people paying to get in here. Do you know what?

It's worse than FIFA school trips, isn't it? Yeah. Set bladder trying to get, you know, backhanders to get them down to see the Ford. Yeah, we went to Qatar, actually. We don't know why we're going to Qatar. These hundred kids are going to need lunch. Pop around the corner.

Do you fancy the business or not? Now, we've had a follow-up email to something we read out, Rob. All right. We've heard again from the woman who liked to have her thumb within someone's hand to go to sleep and would put it within the husband's hand. Yes. You asked some questions and she's answered them. Okay.

Hi, guys. It's Amanda here. I was ecstatic to hear you read out my email regarding sleeping with my stroke, my husband's thumb. I would like to reassure you that my thumb is always available for me. But I like my husband. She likes to hold a thumb, doesn't she? That's what it is. Yeah, so she holds hers, but she'd rather hold her husband's thumb.

But I think she has to wait until her husband's asleep to hold the thumb. Is that right? Yeah, I would like to reassure you that my thumb is always available to me. But I like my husband's thumb better as it's bigger. Oh, okay. To clarify the use of his thumb my husband and i usually cuddle up before going to sleep and i use his thumb until we start to fall asleep at which point i then switch onto my own thumb okay so that's sort of like part of the pre-sleep cuddle is a thumb hold yeah and then and then it and then she slips back into hers because

you can't hold it for the whole night well she said however if i still have hold of him when i fall asleep he'll usually ease his thumb out and tuck mine in try not to wake me oh my god that is a high pressure thumb removal yeah that is that is that is putting a baby down in its uh in its car isn't it what's your pre pre-sleep routine of a cuddle? I mean, some people that cuddle all night, I find that animalistic. Animalistic? It is.

It's like I just turn the heating on. I'd get so hot immediately. Imagine cuddling. I love loads of pieces, but the thought of cuddling her all night fills me with horror. I've told you I put the duvet completely over my head. I have told you that. Yes, but, so, right, you're in bed,

so do you have, like, a little kiss goodnight, and then do you immediately roll over and cover your own head yeah but i tell you that one of the things is we've got quite different bedtimes due to my work and also i think rose would always almost always go to bed before i go to bed so there's not that moment when you're both like good night if you know what i mean it's you sneaking in and sliding under the covers. Yeah, I'll get in about 4am. You know me. You've had a good old just sit and wait. Yeah, a good old sit and think about what I can do with my life.

Also, as well, when you get into bed, it's still quite cold. Like, the room's cold, but it's warm under the bed. And then your side of the bed's freezing. I always try and get a bit closer to Lou because I can feel the heat then she like kicks me off her because i'm sort of waking her up i'm not just trying to get warm i can't i don't like being the first in bed no what do you feel vulnerable i feel i feel like i'm inevitably going to get woken up i think i've put too much pressure on myself i'm like i'm gonna if i go to sleep now then i'm gonna wake up and then i'm gonna be awake because i'm annoyed that i've woken up so that's like i'm okay yeah well i find it

well because i'm it's basically i think similar to you is i'm never really in the house on my own i'm either at work or at home with lou and the kids or lou goes out and i'm with the kids so it's very rare that i'm indoors completely empty house and also because of our jobs i'm normally coming later and most of the time lose of sleep and i'm getting to bed after gigging or whatever it is like especially now we've got kids you you can't stay up too late can you so i find it weird if i am in bed in the house on my own right say say lose away somewhere she's stayed at her mum's or whatever with the kids i i lay there all spread out and i sort of feel like oh this is what it'd be like if she left me you're completely wrong obviously Rob she'd take the house oh yeah I'd be at my mum's tiny little

spare room immediately but I'm just saying though like oh and then I just sort of think all right if you want to leave me off you go then and imagine having that massive house on your own I always say the first five days would be incredible, but then you start getting sad day six. Yeah. I mean, once you've completed Spider-Man. Yeah, exactly. I'm 25% in. You'd be webbing around New York crying,

and Joe Swash's best friend would be saying, are you all right, mate? Yeah. He's a good lad. It's a nice night out. Yeah. So how big's your duvet? Do you have a duvet that's bigger than your bed

that you pull over your head? Or is it a duvet that's for that bed, or have you got two separate duvets? If you're pulling the duvet right's bigger than your bed that you pull over your head or is it a duvet that's for that bed or have you got two separate duvets if you're pulling the duvet right over your head yeah you must be taking it off of rows no i'm i'm quite short remember i'll see you shuffle down i'd shuffle down i'd shuffle you off the pillow no i bring the pillow with me my pillow's not in a set position okay so you're not at the top of the bed pulling it up. You are keeping the duvet where it is and shuffling down. If the mountain won't come to Mohammed.

Okay, right. I've got a lot of questions here. I know we're going off the topic. No, it's fine. You're shuffling down. So where's your head height in relation to Rose? You're at a shoulder or a navel? A shoulder, probably.

You're down to her shoulders. You only shuffle down a little bit heads under the under the under the duvet and uh do you go for i know you've got a very high body temperature what kind of i've got very high body temperature low level tog because it's going to get hot under there um well in summer it's just a sheet just a sheet yeah yeah but no it's quite a high tog in winter because we don't have the heating on at night, obviously. I'm not made of money. Do you not have the heating on at night at all? No.

When you have the heating on at night and then you wake up and you're like, you need about six litres of water to start the day. No, we don't in our room. We have the heating on, but we turn our radiator off or have it really low if it gets really cold. But we have it on in the kids' rooms. Right, yeah. Do you?

Well, no, we do. We have an electric heater on in my daughter's room. Rather than the whole... Well, because the heating's linked around the house, you see. Then can't you just turn your radiator off? I'm not turning my radiator off every night. Because obviously you want your radiator to come on at like half five to start warming the room in the morning.

We have it on all night. You have your radiator in your room on all night. No, so we have the central heating on 24-7, right? In the winter, when it's really cold. We have the time for you to say the full number seven. No, because 24-7 is too long, isn't it? So 24-7. No, we have ours.

When it gets to winter, we'll have it on 24-7, but at a low level. So we'll have the radiator on, but quite low, right? Yeah. And then, because if you have the thermostat set, then it will release more heat into the radiators as the temperature drops. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I'm saying is we want my daughter's room to heat throughout the night. So she's got an electric heater but not a radiator on.

Well, the radiators in the house go off about, what, half nine, ten, or whatever they go off. And they start again at half five. Oh, right. But our radiators aren't independent room to room. Well, they are. Don't they have one to five on So where we are, they have that. Don't they have a one to five on it where you can adjust.

Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, the timers aren't independent room to room. So where I to leave her radiator on all night, we then have to turn ours off with the knobs. And then this is some of the worst podcasting I've ever been. It's interesting. Cause I think you're tight. Or maybe I you're tight or maybe I'm being flashed.

Rob, when you have the heating on all night, I mean, it's just unbearable. Yeah, but then you turn your radiator down. So how often are you adjusting your bedroom radiator? Well, so we normally have it on about one, so it's warm. It's hot. It's warm to touch the radiator, but it's not hot. There's not much heat coming off it yet. So you're heating the downstairs all night as well? No, because we have it.

No, we've got, I don't know, but my ass is nice. I'm never too hot or too cold. I've never known someone start as many sentences in a row as what you just did. I don't know.

I don't know what's happening, but I'm never too hot or too cold. It's working for just did i don't know i don't know what's happening but i'm never too hot or too cold it's working for us we're both completely happy with our heating if you can't sort out your heating everyone anyway right so here we go look is is i've got i've got an email let's move on from the heat. And this is a mental podcast today. This is about duvets and stuff, right? This is from Rebecca Price. I've never been a good sleeper. That is until I tried out Josh's technique of covering my head with the duvet.

Oh, yes, please. Allowing a little tiny opening for my nose and mouth. I obviously look crazy, but I'm currently sleeping solo since my husband fell and broke his arm and has been banished to the sofa until he recovers. Why has he gone to the sofa? Why has he gone to the sofa? Why has the broken arm meant that he has to sleep on a less comfortable piece of furniture? I don't know. Maybe he broke his arm having sex with another woman. On that side, the side note. I don't know. rebecca please let us know why he's gone to the

sofa anyway he's gone to the sofa until he recovers which seems madness i shall enjoy the next six to eight weeks with my new six to eight weeks this poor guy oh my the side notes dominate our inbox recently i'm just gonna say though it does open up a lot of questions about how they're managing their heating in the sitting room and the bedroom at the same you know it must absolutely drop off a cliff in that front room the poor fellow he's bro he's got the cast on though so that should keep him warm so anyway she's going over the head and it's changing her sleep oh yeah she says thanks shosh i find myself excited about the prospect of bedtime rebecca 40 slave to a nine-year-old and a seven-year-old well i just

think that that's a really good thing that why surely when the husband comes back you just stick with it yeah there is two variables that have changed though i don't she hasn't quite identified that there's two variables that have changed and maybe it's the husband that's the problem well exactly but also i don't understand why when he's at two things why is he on the sofa with a broken that there's two variables that have changed. Yes. And maybe it's the husband that's the problem. Well, exactly. But also, I don't understand why when he's... Two things. Why is he on the sofa with a broken arm? And secondly, why will it change when he comes back? Maybe you're explaining your technique.

She's got to shuffle down. If she's in the kind of relationship where the husband would find it off-putting to get to sleep if she had the duvet over her head. Yeah. He's not the kind of husband that's going to take six to eight weeks on the sofa. Exactly, no way.

You know, I don't want to throw out there. I feel like I've maybe been a little bit overly privileged and showy-offy about my heating arrangements, but why not two duvets? Two single ones. Here we go. That's the continental method. What do you think?

This is a good question. Do you think you'll ever be one of those old couples that has two single beds? No, probably two queen beds if I had the space. So would you do that? I just don't understand at what point in your relationship you have that discussion. I don't think I'd ever go two single beds. But I think as you get older, we've got a king bed though, right? Which it makes a

massive difference because when we started seeing each other she always says she had that bed that's not a double but in between a single and a double and it was horrific and then we had a double and then we was like so i always like being in the same bed it's lovely but i i think there's something wrong with getting the biggest you can for your room do you know what i mean but the single beds so i think it just probably when you're like 90 and like one if you keep shitting or something do you know what i mean it's probably that it's probably like a medical thing it's not just the love's gone it's just that i love you but you keep pissing on me

you're just gonna have to yeah just do it in your own time um do you reckon what about you do you reckon you'll ever no no i can't imagine getting to that point um because i still whenever i'm in a hotel this is weird it's i still sleep on one side of the bed yeah as if someone's going to join me you you can't sleep in the middle of a double bed that's weird i think i think it's really weird you look like a playboy just like you can't sleep in the middle of a double bed i think you have to sleep on one side simply for access to the table what are you doing in the night like how much you drink it do you always take a drink up with you yeah oh wait i bet you do big pint of water i and do you know what i and this is

i know this goes down badly with rose but by the end of the week i can have four or five pint glasses on my bedside table because i always forget to take them down in the morning yeah that's not a good look is it and you're that's not that we all know you and rose love a knick-knack i don't think an empty pint glass can count as a knick-knack on the side. It looks messy. I tell you what you should get is little pretty baby sham glasses, and then it would look like it fit in then. Oh, yeah.

I mean, that's not going to last me the night, mate. No, not the way your body churns up heat. So how much are you not taking a drink to bed? No, I never do. What? So I occasionally... You've got the heating full on. I'm a lizard. What's going on the heating full on? I'm a lizard.

What's going on? So occasionally... I'm just baking. So if I've had a few beers, I will, or I'll Nick Loo's drink, because Lou always takes his drink up. But I went through a weird stage of waking up first in the night and being half awake and going downstairs and half asleep. And I started just like sculling like you know them

like smoothies innocent smoothies the kids what i just started sculling them in the middle of the night are you what are you talking about i don't know why i used to do it and sometimes it'd be so cold it'd give me a headache and then i just go back to bed it was like a little dirty secret it's astonishing well like how big well just the little ones yeah the little ones for their like packed lunch

type thing yeah did you ever tell about a time my mate used to smoke and then he stopped smoking when he sort of

married his missus and they got married and then with the stress of kids that he started smoking again but in secret and then what he'd do is in the middle of the night

like after like a feed or something like that he'd sort the kid out and then go down and smoke and then blow it out the kitchen window. Oh, my word. Like, secretly. And then once his wife came down and said, what are you doing?

And he went, I'm trying my best. All right. I've got another email here, Josh. Okay. Hi, guys. Love the show. And as a Brit living in New Zealand, your show helps me feel a little closer to home. I have had a smile on my face since discovering the podcast.

My good friend and I had our first children. My good friend and I had our... Oh, I thought she was... Sorry. My good friend and I had our first children just four days apart. So I thought she sort of like... That's how she was... My good friend and I had our first children just four days apart. So I thought she sort of like... That's how she's referring to her partner. Yeah, basically we got to 48.

There's no sexual chemistry. They're my good friend and we thought, fuck it, let's just go for it. And we might get into it. Just get drunk before we do it. It'll be fine. My good friend and I had our first children just four days apart.

We didn't plan it. Over a Christmas champagne tasting. Yes, we are those wankers and are lucky enough to be free of lockdown we were discussing the podcast and i mentioned that the feature of kids who look like josh her little girl georgia is a definite contender oh yes please georgia is 19 months old photo attached of a salty g thanks for all the laughter please don't stop nat would went into New Zealand. Have you seen, I've got this in the email. Have you seen this one, Josh?

No. So if you put it on the group. I think it's the best one we've had so far, Josh. That is so good. It's exactly you as a child. Do you know what I mean? Some of them,

when they send them in, they look like you now as a kid. They've got a sort of like a, they're young, but obviously got a bit of a grumpy face. Because not that you've got a grumpy face,

but you're young. I know, but it's fine. But this grumpy face. Because not that you've got a grumpy face, but you are. But this girl looks like exactly how you must have looked as a kid. Yes, I did have... Curly hair. Yeah, very curly hair. I didn't really have that curly hair when I was a kid, but I can imagine it's got curlier as life's gone on. I'd say you are probably one of the most famous curly-haired people

in the country. Well, you know, thanks for that, mate. I think Alan Davis, AJ Pritchard. Who's AJ Pritchard? one of the most famous curly head people in the country well you know thanks for that i think alan davis aj pritchard who's aj pritchard oh mate he's on stricken in the jungle come on stop pretending you don't know what's going on he's a big deal josh i i've got to get a finger on the pulse of you know popular culture you can't do observations you You don't know AJ Pritchard. I reckon you can get through a comedy career without making a joke about AJ Pritchard.

I'm just Googling him. He's on The Jungle now. His brother, you know, Curtis Pritchard. I don't watch The Jungle, Rob. Curtis Pritchard. Oh, I've met AJ Pritchard. When? He's a dancer from Strictly. Yes, think he came he did he came on the last leg all right okay yeah yeah well it's good to know he made a real impression on the show

when's he back on well he can't he can't come back on rob he's in the jungle he's in the jungle of course as we as we all know everyone knows that he was getting quite angry with shane richie's you know, dishwashing habits, and he cleaned all the dishes really well, and it got a bit tense between them. Do you know, there is some points when I worry that our podcast is a bit facile, but then you tell me that's the most watched TV show. 13 million people watched him argue about watching them.

Have we not got that many listeners? We're talking about duvets for 20 minutes. Can you imagine how viral that duvet chat, if we did that around the campfire in the jungle? Oh, mate. Be the big TV man. Don't use that at the NTAs for another reward. Oh, duvet chat.

And then it'll cut back to Ant and Dec, both got duvets on. One's hiding below, thumb out, stroke of the bum, stroke of the nose. Boom, straight into a trial VT. That's how telly's made these days, Josh. Well, we'll stick the curly-haired Georgia on Instagram for you to see, but I think she's probably

the best lookalike we've had so far. So, Josh, I think we're probably done. I've got a, for next, for Friday, just before Sindhu V

on Friday, I'm going to send you a photo of, we discussed children that have got too much hair for their age. I'll be sending you a three-year-old with a lot of hair, Rob. Okay, wicked.

Oh, can I do a shout-out as well? Off the back of the success of the Broccoli Barber, my cousin, this is basically like Jamie Carragher now, and I'm just sort of getting jobs in for all my family members. My cousin is very much in the spirit of retraining and trying something new during these unprecedented times he has taken his food stall of selling chicken wings and he's opened his first outlet in a pandemic so a big shout out to wings tings official on instagram um go and follow them

um can i do a shout out then yeah you don't so this is i'll do this one this is they've opened their first outlet in reading in um and it's Wings Tings Official, Tings of a Zed. And yeah, go and follow him and check it. It's really good food actually, to be fair. He's started his new business.

So good luck to him. There we go. I've got a parenting shout out, Rob. Yes. Yes. So, so my daughter's a key carer at nursery has trained doing, as a sleep trainer.

And she's absolutely genuinely, I'm going to say it, one of the best people with kids I've ever met in my trainer and she's absolutely genuinely i'm going to say it one of the best people with kids i've ever met in my life she's absolutely amazing so if you are looking and because it's the lockdown so she trained and then it was a lockdown so she can do it via zoom etc go on sophie evans p s o p h i e evansa-n-s uh dot sleepy lambs on instagram she's brilliant and um she's just started going professional on that so do go to her yeah she's great um yeah she'd turn up stroke the nose hold the thumb do over the head exactly exactly who knew who knew and that she may look very much like Josh Widdicombe. I'm moonlighting.

I've worked out how to get to sleep. Imagine if I did. If I just worked out how to get everyone to sleep, you would be a billionaire. Yeah, I know. That's the way forward, isn't it? Anyway, right. Thanks for listening, guys, and we'll see you on Friday. Cheers.

Bye.