Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP65: "I love putting a line through a seven..."

Episode Date: December 8, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S01 EP65: "I love putting a line through a seven..."More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Widdicombe. With Josh Widdicombe.

That is Gin, who is two and a half years old. Lovely. And the reason I have chosen Gin, Rob, is I'm in the same position as Gin's parents, Simon and Christina. All right. So I'll read their email. The voice note is brought to you by Gin, G-J-I-N, pronounced Gin, who is two and a half years old and halfway through a two-week isolation period

after someone tested positive at nursery. Oh, oh no. Are you in isolation? Yes. Well, I'm not, but my daughter is by dint of that. So, okay, right. You've dropped that on me out of nowhere, Josh. Okay. So lovely intro. I thought it was better. I thought it was funnier to not tell you until on the podcast. So, right. Okay. So, sorry. I shouldn't laugh. I'm laughing. better i thought it was funnier to not tell you until on the podcast right okay so oh no sorry i shouldn't laugh i know no laughing well obviously one of the first things i thought was this is great podcast content okay so what so what's happened shall i tell you what's happened so her carer at nursery has tested positive right so the whole class has been dismissed for two weeks.

So two weeks indoors, no nursery. Yeah. Oh, my Lord. How is the carer? Should we ask? Are you okay? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think she's fine.

What's quite funny is on one of the days just before the carer tested positive, she covered very briefly the lower class, and only one child from that came into contact with her, that was tom crane my friend's child so his child has had to isolate as well even though when you say lower class the younger kids not like they're all doing chimney sweeping and stuff no no no exactly yeah today kids down a mine they don't they don't pay as much it's uh they're doing the economy nursery okay okay um so so two weeks how's it going it's fine it's actually been fine all right okay it's easier because you can go do you know what i mean you're allowed out aren't you so at least you yeah because there's two of you can like take turns of going i think taking turns is the key

key thing do you know. Shift work, yeah. I always think you've got to treat your daughter like the shelves in a Sainsbury's. You need people in there in the day that are customer-facing that can stack the shelves and talk to people, but also you need the night owls that come in for a 12-hour shift through the night. That's what you need, isn't it? Exactly. What about shift work?

A child is basically a supermarket. I mean, it's not ideal. At least it's like now though not over christmas i think that's a huge positive this at the moment it feels a bit like getting i said being told you've got isolate or having a protesting positive it's almost like you know when footballers try and get sent off just before yeah new year's eve break so they get christmas off it's like that you want it you want it you want to isolate now not on the 20th yeah of course of course i mean what's quite heartbreaking is um uh it's just the weekends but i'm not gonna lie to you the weekends around where i live are absolutely terrible anyway

because it's absolutely rammed with people what what oh like the park yeah but victoria park it's like going to glastonbury at the weekends. Do you know what? It's harder, though, because she's not in nursery during the week. But I find now that my girls are in nursery three days a week and proper school five days a week, the weekends, especially on Saturday, we just love doing nothing and having a really lazy day. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be feeling the benefit of loving doing nothing at home over the next week Rob I think that's good I think I'll soon get bored of it week two is where it really bites yeah um so basically done a week yeah so it's kind of um

I just couldn't couldn't quite believe it happened do you know what I mean yeah and you know when something happens and you're like oh there's literally nothing I can do about this well you almost definitely had COVID in the first week of lockdown, didn't you? You lost your sense of smell and taste. It's almost like you've been dumb twice now. I know, it's very unfair, Rob. It's very unfair. And also, I don't get it, because if they test negative,

you've still got to stay in, haven't you? Isn't that right, or not? I don't know. The rules are insane. Is someone trying to explain risk to me? Yes yes it is very similar to that only risk is the one thing that lasts longer

than a lockdown the only thing to outlive corona that's the thing about it we keep attempting to change the name of this podcast and then it never

leaves us it never leaves us there's always something happening to do with it we'll carry on calling it lockdown until they finish the public inquiry. That'll be the day that we change the name is when the public inquiry has been done.

So, yeah, it's quite a weird situation, obviously. What would your attitude be to trying to explain it to a three-year-old? Oh, my God. I mean, it's absolutely an insane thing to try. because i don't understand it as an adult do you know what i mean because what she's not she's not across the tears system yeah but what if she says to you okay daddy but i've tested negative on the test why do i have to stay in yeah you'd go i've got nothing Van Tam, give us a football analogy. I've got nothing over it.

She needs to hear something about hooves coming over a hill. She's three. She don't get it. I mean, have you explained it to her? No. She's never asked to go to the park before, but obviously that's essentially what she started asking, which you're like, you've got to be kidding me, haven't you?

We've spent our life trying to get you to go to the park. And now the moment you can't go to the park, you want to go to the fucking park. Do you think there's going to either be like this park situation? Cause everyone in the country, all they do at the weekend is go for a walk through the woods. Right. That is it. For a park.

Like, do you reckon that it's going to breed a generation of outdoorsy park loving kids or people that are just desperate to live in big cities and be like i hate this walk i don't want to walk ever again i think because i obviously grew up in the countryside and i now live in the city and i just think you know it's wasted on you as a kid isn't it like yeah if anything you go you want what you don't have so i think that's why i ended up you know wanting to live in the city but um i i think after 2020 i'd happily never go in a fucking park again in my life

brit just bulldoze it fuck it greenbelt see you later build something one of the main reasons we moved where we live is because it's got such a nice park near it yeah actually you get very bored of parks very quickly however big they are you seem to always just be doing the same bits. I actually, I've actually started hating my park, my nearest park. A bit like, you know, when like you just decide to hate someone on The Apprentice. And you just feel, I can't stand them. I just hate it. Oh yeah.

And I felt, I went for a walk yesterday and I felt myself going, oh, boggy ear again, is it? Yeah. Big puddle again here, is it? So I have to do the long loop round. Yeah. And I'll try and go around the edge and I'll slip in myself going, oh, boggy ear again, is it? Yeah? Big puddle again here, is it? So I have to do the long loop round, yeah? And I'll try and go around the edge and I'll slip in again, will I? Like I'm a scorned lover with that part. I was a bit sad this week, Josh, to be honest with you. I found it a bit sad because it was my daughter's nativity and reception

and we couldn't go and see it. So did you watch it on Zoom or something? Well, they've recorded it. They're going to put it on like a YouTube link. Pay-per-view though, isn't it? PPV.

Yeah. All day long. Eddie Hearn's promoting it. 8.99. I've got to pay. But I felt a bit sad because that is, that is one of those moments you can never recapture or see again. You know,

that is so, it's not like a holiday where you can go on holiday again, but it is such a seminal moment of watching your child's first nativity and i was a bit sad really but i got over it but i was like i'm gonna lean into this i'm gonna allow myself to feel a bit sad because i think you end up being more mental if you go oh fine yeah i'll just go for a lovely walk again and not watch my daughter in a nativity because that's better but there's something weird isn't it about the thought of them performing a nativity because that's better but there's something weird isn't it about the thought of them performing a nativity to an empty room do you know what i mean like yeah i mean my performer side saying come on you know you got you you need the buzz off the crowd do you know

i mean you need i just think a nativity is a much about the audience as it is about the performance really isn't it how is a five-year-old going to know what the difference is between a rehearsal and the real performance exactly but. But I think they did it to other, I think what they did was they performed to the other year groups. Oh, I see.

So I think, I think it was like year one where like sat distant from, I don't really understand how the bubbles were, but obviously they're all in a bubble, the class.

I think they just sat two meters away from them while they performed or whatever it is. Oh, I see. I think that's what they did. But do you want to hear, do you want to hear my daughter's review of it, Josh? What was her role?

She was the main star, Bethlehem star. All the kids had at least one line or two lines. She had three lines, which she was very happy about. And I said, did you like it? She went, yeah, I loved it. It was really good. I loved doing my lines. I went, okay, that's good.

I went, what did you think of the singing? She went, it was okay. And I love doing my lines. I went, okay, that's good. I went, what did you think of the singing? She was, it was okay. And I went, all right. I went, what didn't you like? She went, I didn't like the waiting. I went, what? She liked the waiting. It was so boring.

I went, what was boring? I went, waiting for the other people to speak. Oh, dear. So I think she's definitely mine. Yep. Yep. Oh, my word. What a tip of the old block. I think she's definitely mine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my word. What a tip off the old block.

I know, because you want to be like, well, no, you know, you must be giving and, you know, be a team player in an event like that. But then part of me is going, yeah, it is. Just spin them all off. Go one woman show. More money. Less hassle. Less organisation.

You don't have to have a WhatsApp group. You just turn up, bang your three lines out and go home. Exactly. She's the next feedback i've got i've got to try my best to not let my personality or thought protest impact my daughter's development yeah i think that that's a very dangerous situation because ultimately everything i think is the opposite of what they're told yes so i sort of have to try and you know remove myself from that conversation how's your phonics going? Not great. She's now started, when I've written anything down on a scrap of paper,

like a phone number or someone's name when I've been speaking to someone on the phone for some boring-based query, she will show me it and says, Daddy, you've done that wrong. Because they've been taught the correct way to do, like, sevens and they're learning to write but how it can be joined up if you want it to be joined up right oh my god so i'm like oh yeah joined up well they learn how to do them separately but joined up letters so they can join it up eventually but i mean also as well some parents are obsessed with how well their kids can write i'll be honest

with you i couldn't give two shiny shits i've not written anything down on paper in about six years it's bought it's pointless it's all typing so just great oh she could write really neat who gives a shit mate no one it's all emails so have you got gonna get a typing early doors well yeah i mean i i do you know what i don't know if it's bad but i really don't care about her education to a point i just sort of i just sort of think look she enjoys going she comes out happy and she seems to be learning stuff. That's enough from me. I think, do you know what? I find it a refreshing outlook.

And actually, I think it's a much more enjoyable way for the child to live. If you were going, I'm really concerned about the fact that her P's aren't... Some people are like that, Josh. I know. I don't care. But, you know, as long as they're happy and they josh i know i don't care but you know as long as they're happy and they try their best i don't care you know i've got i i only and i'm not saying that to try and look like a new age hippie person but ultimately i don't think anyone's gonna fall for

that rob if you're a good person and you're happy and you try hard that's all you can do i'd work the bollocks off to get d's in everything right and i'm not very academic but you know but, you know, as long as you're hardworking, you're nice, you'll be fine. So I really don't care about all that, to be honest. Do you know what I mean? You're taking the fact that your sevens aren't good enough badly, aren't you, Rob? Yeah. Look, I told everyone, I don't give a shit about what my sevens look like,

all right? Yeah, sometimes I put the little line through because I saw it in French once. That's how I do it, all right? Back off. I love putting a line through a seven. Oh, yeah, it's how I'll do it all right back back off I love putting a line through a seven oh yeah it's good isn't it just it is good yeah I love a line through a seven yes please um I've got another story about my um other kid the youngest um she's only what they're three next week and she was talking to the uh teachers and they were saying what how old is everyone and they were um i'm a i'm two and she went on to another kid oh she's three and then the teacher said how old do you think i am and then my daughter said i don't know

i haven't got a hundred fingers to count she's such a slam isn't it it's a real burn if she did have a hundred fingers so that the age of the teacher would be uh the least of her worries what a career she could have just wandering around counting out with her fingers are you that could be an edinburgh show that there's a place for her on the last leg i'll tell you that for free get her on hundred fingers alex brooke would Brooke will be furious. Look how many she's got. Nothing here. So if anyone's got any tips on having their kid being locked down for 14 days. I mean, the thing is, by the next one, I'll be out of it.

So it'll be fine. I've got a great mood lifter I've been working on. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, Josh. You know when they're kicking off a bit at bath time and it's a bit rowdy for no reason, yeah? Yeah. What I do is I put them in the bath with their socks on, right? I pretend I've done it by accident.

And they'll go, Daddy, my socks. I go, oh, no, silly. Daddy, what have I done? And they absolutely love it. That's a good one, Rob. Being put in the bath with socks on and they've got wet socks. They're just like, this is insane.

This is crazy. They're just like, get off. I'm going to try it tonight. I'm going to try it tonight and it's going to backfire massively. But it's how you play it. You've got to be like, oh, because basically. You've got to sell it, haven't you?

You've got to sell it low status because all kids really want is to be listened to and feel important, innit? If you're in that mood where you've had to sell it haven't you you've got to sell it low status because all kids really want is to be listened to and feel important isn't it if you're in that mood where you've had a long day yeah and you go oh yeah your socks are on sorry that's not gonna work is it but you've got to be like oh no silly daddy what have i done and then you've got two wet socks it's basically like prop work in the stand i've got two wet socks. It's basically like prop work in the stand. I've got two wet socks now. They make a funny noise. If you slap them,

put them on the radiator. That, so that you, you know, maybe that, try that tonight if it's getting a bit tense. I still think bath time is the most overrated bit of parenting. Oh,

massively. I hate it. Because basically when they're young, you're constantly worried about something awful happening. And then when they're older, they don't listen to you and stand up and splash everywhere. And then everyone's where, everyone's tired.

It is not much. I've got to go home for bath time. I think people just say that because they hate their job. Do you know what I mean? Or it's just a way to get out. So I've got to go home for half time. Basically, look, guys, I'm not lazy at work. I'm just a really good dad.

See you soon. Yeah. Peace. Now in the advent of FaceTime, you don't need to get home for bath time. Exactly. Rob. Yes, Josh. We've got some trampoline input oh i also as well that's i was about to say that to you i've i've had we have been inundated with trampoline advice on instagram as well give it give me give me some of yours i've got three emails on trampolines i've got four okay well do you want to start rob well no why don't I start with this one?

This is from Laura. Rob, no. No. Yeah, hold it. You should just fill in listeners, sorry, on what the scene was. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I basically, this is,

also we should, this is- This is very weird, this trampoline. If you're- It's not a trampoline. If you're listening with kids now, some people do in the car or wherever they are in the kitchen. If you're listening with kids, we some people do in the car or wherever they are in the kitchen. If you're listening with kids, we are now talking about Christmas. Okay.

So I'd advise you to switch it off and listen when it's just adults there. Okay. So. Because Rob's buying some pretty racy presents for his wife. Yeah. The sex trampoline is coming her way. Yeah. So guys, so loose stocking.

It's basically five dildos. Anyway. Yeah, so guys, so loose stocking, it's basically five dildos. Anyway, yeah, so basically I've heard whisper that Father Christmas may be delivering a trampoline for my children this year. However, it won't be assembled because the elves are pretty busy. They're not listening, Rob. They're not listening. Okay, okay. Actually, I've bought my trampoline and I've got to put it up.

You've just done the dildo bit. I think's too late now the horse okay anyway so we get we've got the trampoline it's currently been stored at the grandparents house because it's too big to be put anywhere and it's not built yet that the plan of action is the schedule is 7 or 8 p.m i'm in the garden christmas eve building a trampoline i will be drunk trying to put this trampoline together and will be drunk trying to put this trampoline together. And after saying that we'll put this trampoline, well, I'm putting this trampoline up Christmas Eve in the evening, we've had a deluge of sort of anti that schedule. Well, people, you know, they're caring.

So, Laura Cannon, Rob, no. You can't assemble a trampoline for the first time in the dark on your own on Christmas Eve. Oh, no. The first time we built one, it took about three hours with two of us and we nearly got divorced. Top tip, the bendy hook tool, which comes with it, is vital to get the springs in place and not optional. Do not leave it in the packaging and be unable to find it. Oh. Wear work gloves to protect your hands work gloves i haven't got work gloves do they know what you do you i mean you haven't done a

day's hard labor in your life my hands are so i used to work at a flower market when i was 14 have you got a pair of fingerless gloves from when you worked at a flower market no i haven't what is a work glove it depends what your job is isn't it if you're a butler i reckon gardening gloves maybe would be a good bet have you got any gardening gloves i'll get little white little white still gloves okay i'll get some work gloves um wear work gloves to protect your hands it's easy to trap your fingers as you pull the springs into place also you need help to get the legs on there will probably be three legs that have to be held upright at the same time while you get the circle bit attached you can't do that

with one person it would be easiest with three three what are you gonna do oh well i well i i don't know what what's is there any more have you got any more advice yeah yeah i've got well i've got this one this rob i've just listened to this week's podcast whilst erecting an eight-foot trampoline for my son's second birthday it took my husband and i the best part of five hours in darkness and in the rain because it was his birthday the next day my husband is very handy so it's not that we were useless it's just a nightmare one step listen to this josh which this really shook me okay one step requires gloves and goggles what the fuck are the goggles for goggles what do you need goggles

for that is madness isn't it goggles yeah goggles i don't know what is that in case it pings back in your eyes yeah i suppose so yeah jesus what i get a welding mask could you i've got an idea yeah how big is it rob it's not a massive one loose boy it's up it's a it's a fair old size but because they're only like three and five it's one of the smaller ones so it's not like the one how far is the in-laws it's about a 10 minute drive is there any way of like erecting it at the in-laws and then i mean attaching it to your roof josh i've got a roof rack i've ever we've discussed it before rob we i mean i'm not saying we're running out of ideas but we've discussed your roof rack twice now so right picture the scene it's christmas eve i've got my goggles on me gloves on i've built a

trampoline i've now popped to b&q to get some bungee calls i'm driving through bromley with a trampoline attached to a cash car it's got to be it's like sailing a ship that's i might start taking off i don't think you'd have it on vertically would you speed up on the a2 with that i'll fly i don't i'll see how big it is and i might be able to strap it to the roof right i might I'll fly. I'll see how big it is and I might be able to strap it to the roof rack. I might live stream this build on my YouTube channel. I think we'll have a big, I could pay-per-view it.

How long is the walk? I can't walk a trampoline. It's about a 15, 20-minute walk, Josh. I can't carry a trampoline on my own walking through the streets. Maybe I could arrange a sort of crew of podcast fans that live in Bromley. And then we can all meet outside my mother-in-law's house and carry it to mine. At this point, that could probably be

the most sensible thing to do. And then I'll be in a paper like Rita Aurora for some sort of COVID breach. Well, this is the best suggestion, but it's also, you know, I don't want to throw money at the situation, but could you? I mean, this would be embarrassing. Could you pay a handyman to come around and erect your trampoline? Well, I've had this has been suggested too. Someone just said

listening to your dilemma sushi employer handyman to do it you guys go out for that and come back and it's dark the kids won't see it and you get you know that and you can put a nice bow on it about i yeah maybe i could get handyman but i feel bad getting a handyman around to do it because also as well we've got people coming over in the morning of christmas eve like with my and it's my parents and we're sitting in the garden it's because of covid because my dad's old and he's got no spleen and diabetes and he's an absolute you know absolutely it doesn't sound like the kind of person that would build a trampoline for you either no he's just basically got to sit in the garden get cold and not get covid that's what he's got to do for

christmas um but um yeah so the issue is I don't really want a handyman to, I feel guilty getting a handyman to come and do it like in the afternoon, evening of Christmas Eve when he should be with his kids and family. Do you know what I mean? I'm sure, Rob, if he names the fee, your guilt will go away. I mean, I can't, you can't pay more to assemble something than what you've paid to buy it, can you?

That's not good business. No, it's not good business. Maybe I'll do that and I'll just have to pay a Christmas... No, I really don't want you to do that because I do want to hear how this goes. The other option is dress up as Santa while you're doing it in case the girls wake up and see out the window. Yeah, I don't think that's the key issue.

Pissed and dressed as Santa alone, goggles on. Yeah, goggles on. Mummy, why is father Christmas crying in the garden? Why is it? Why is father Christmas blind with bleeding hands crying in the garden? Cause father Christmas didn't use goggles or gloves. Like he was talking about his podcast.

Um, Yvonne Shields says for the love of God, get a helper. I attempted to build a trampoline myself and scrape the skin off my knuckles. Oh, God. Not a good look for Christmas dinner the next day. Follow the instructions for putting on the trampoline hooks. I didn't.

I put them in order, one after the other, until the trampoline was pulled so taut I couldn't get the others. Had to start again. It was pure hell. Oh, God. All right. Yeah. Well, okay.

I'm going to take this on board. I think Handyman may be the best option. A couple of guys that know how to do it. There must be a company that does it. Or I'll maybe get my brother to help me. I went and then we'll just draw the curtains. Oh, it's going to be awful. What time do your kids go to bed? So what time can you reasonably start work? Well, the options are potentially, Lou said she was going to maybe take them out for a walk for an hour or so,

which looking at this won't be long enough. But we have got blinds that we could pull down. But if they're awake when the blinds are down in the afternoon, they'll just look up because they'll hear screaming and shouting and swearing in the garden. Yeah, I think it would be very weird to go, Daddy's in the garden, but we can't look at it. You're looking at a 7.30, 8pm start.

You'd be happy to rap before midnight, wouldn't you? Oh, God, right. Yeah, OK, I'm going to look into this and get back to you with some suggestions because this is a disaster. The good news is none of the pubs are open. So you're not missing out on a great Christmas Eve. No, so yeah, I've got to think this through.

But one thing's sure, I cannot do it alone. I'm so glad I mentioned it because I literally would have just dragged the box. Yeah, I'm a bit disappointed, to be honest. How was your Christmas? Went a bit at 5am? It feels like we've averted a hilarious disaster. I would have just dragged. And I am also as well. It ain't like I'm a DIY guy hilarious disaster oh because i would have just dragged and i am also as

well it ain't like i'm a diy guy i am useless at this every time i do an ikea thing i basically do it wrong and then lou does it right well if you're not good at that because they are easy they are aren't they and you know here's a question what would you do if it gets to 11 p.m and you failed to assemble it and you think i simply can't do this why does that leave christmas day they've got other presents yeah so they wouldn't know but i would yeah but that is their main present they'll have like there's a few little bits and bobs but yeah would it feel like quite an underwhelming christmas without the trampoline hugely it would it would it would not be like christmas day but it would be like you know they're stressing me out i've took them to a toy shop and i'm being quite weak that day and they've both got a couple

of boxes of stuff right yeah do you know what i mean yeah so yeah we've got yeah i think it free maybe i i think potentially because if you've got a couple of couple of guys two or three guys that know what they're doing they could probably do it in an hour yes do you know what i mean and then you come in and for an hour's work and i could pay him a christmas wedge yeah done do you know what i mean i think that's the best option and that way i you can't put a price on christmas but i think you can whatever that man says i think what's interesting i think what's interesting there is they are going to think not much of you those two men rob yeah but also i agree but chat them on at the london palladium and see how they get on

do you know what I mean everyone's got their own skill set because you struggled but I did put a trampoline up didn't I when I couldn't do my comedy when my jokes were dying I did build I did build a trampoline on stage didn't I everyone's got their skill set Josh do you know what I mean and I've got you know arguably half of one that I've really exploited um if you think you're having a bad morning rob um yeah i can see in the background of my uh screen when i'm looking at these emails i've got uh i've got spotify open in the background and i can see that matthew crosby has just you know i don't know if you've i've got it linked to his somehow so i can see what

he's listening to oh yeah he's just listened to Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star by The Wiggles. Oh, he's having a terrible day. He's having an absolutely terrible day. 10.30am, Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, The Wiggles. No one wants that. No one needs that. Do you want some discussion on beds? Yes, please.

And then I've got a school trip story to finish this off, which is a very good one. This isn't a thrilling anecdote. Great way to start the email, please. And then I've got a school trip story to finish this off, which is a very good one. This isn't a thrilling anecdote. Great way to start the email, Kat. I thought it was one of your reviews, wasn't it? But I'll say, me and my husband have a super king bed with two double quilts. Oh, I like this. She says it's fucking amazing

and the secret to a happy marriage. We've got a big bed, but we've got a one duvet, but we definitely need another duvet. They're big enough to overlap, but also you can roll up on your own. And I have a thicker one than he does. Yes, that's what I was going to say.

A double duvet solution is all tog dependent if you're going big tog it's a nightmare but low you've got one low tog one big tog fine but a middle in tog level because it'd just be too much it'd be a bit overwhelming i'd find it like that there must be so much duvet on their bed joe i've always even when i was like really skin i've never skimped on your bed because you are in it so much yeah basically half your life you're in it yeah and the amount of money you spend on a car or shoes not as much as I used to be in it I'll be honest with you before I had a car pro rata it's gone down a few knots but yeah a third a third now is for you but but yeah it's um

my brother got up at 11 30 a.m the the other day and he was like, yeah, just sort of set through weird, really. And I was just like, but what I do now is when I get angry at people having lines, I don't just go. It's probably because I've had a busy week and they don't have to get up and they've got no kids and they're just having a lovely sleep. I go, oh, you're pathetic. Got no going. No drive. having a lovely sleep. I'll go, oh, you're pathetic. Got no go in you. No drive.

And I try and pretend. I try and pretend it's some sort of like self-motivation thing. I would absolutely be doing the same thing. It's your drive that is getting you up at 6 a.m. Yeah. It's your lust for life that is waking you up at 6 a.m. No, it's my child that's a centimeter away from my face. This is called Sleeping in Separate B separate beds this is from elsie she says i don't have children yet but used to teach in a nursery and infant school children for the pandemic as a result i miss as she doesn't want her anymore i miss being

around children at school and find your podcast nostalgic i'm writing him because you talked about couples sleeping in separate beds my partner and i have to sleep in separate beds as we discovered when we first got a house together he is a nighttime thresher oh most nights he would whack me with his flailing arms in the head multiple times sometimes so forcefully that i would require an ice pack i wouldn't be able to sleep for the rest of the night. Oh, God. It's starting to sound quite bleak, this. Well, wait for it. Needless to say, teaching a class of 30 children without sleep

felt more like heading cats. So after putting up with this regular nighttime assault for two months, I decided it would be best if we slept in separate beds in the same room. Because my partner's six foot four, he still sleeps in the original king-size bed and i now sleep in a small single oh no way because that was the only bed that would fit into our room oh you can't have a super king next to a single our bedroom now looks bizarre with his large king-size bed parallel to my tiny kid's bed separated by a bedside table.

Oh, that's something. Surely you should swap in and out. But he's 6'4". He's a big guy. Yeah, but still, I think you've got to. It's his fault. It is his fault. Yeah, you're not the one thrashing about. That is out of order.

I'd say it needs to be split maybe a bit more in his favour if he's bigger. But then just, if you could fit in two doubles, then maybe do that. Yeah. Louie hit me once in the night, right? Did she? But, yeah, like, thrashed around like that. But, like, if you could fit in two doubles, then maybe do that. Yeah. Louie hit me once in the night, right? Did she? But yeah, like thrashed around like that,

but like clonked me on the head and it, you know, it really hurt. Like right in the nose, you know what I mean? Each other nose, your eyes go all funny.

And I was so angry and just sort of so annoyed. It's so annoying not being allowed to be angry with someone. Yeah. Because you totally didn't mean it to have an accent.

I was just like, fucking hell. Yeah. yeah he just twatted me on the nose you know i mean like you pull the cover over like quite and it's like a little tight hook yeah like a little elbow do you want to hear uh something uh things you learned from your kids we were talking about this last week yes please in response to your question as to what we have learned from our kids this is from samantha belshaw here is what i've learned from my now 15 year old daughter daisy daisy was 12 and she came home from school

and asked her dad my husband dave to show us his weenus we looked at each other in shock and my husband clearly embarrassed made a joke about being too cold, only to find out that your weenus is the excess or loose skin at the joint of your elbow. Oh, the weenus. Is that a weenus? That's the weenus. It's a weird feeling, the weenus, isn't it? It is.

It's the closest a human is to a rhino. It's the most rhino part of it, or an elephant part of a human, isn't it? Yeah. I've never actually considered it before well what is the most rhino part of you um your penis yeah i mean obviously i've got um i've got quite a hard skin on my hands from the time i assembled a um assembled a trampoline i couldn't even think of the words. I'm so tired. That was like a banter tap out. Like if that was UFC,

that'd be like using an armbar by the rhino in energy. And you just feel like, oh, there's a skin. Come on, we all know where I'm going with this. Come on, it'll do. Exactly.

It was so like, you know, I'm going to say trampoline. Just fill the blank in yourself. I'm fucking knackered. Once we knew what our weenus was, we got her to ask everyone, my sister, grandparents, our friends, smug in our new knowledge. So there you go, Rob.

That is something learned from a child. Your weenus. It's all about education, isn't it? It's all about education. Have we got time for a lovely email? Yeah, we've got time. I've got one school trip one and then we'll do your lovely email yeah okay yeah perfect finish on a nice one and this is

joe ellis 33 school trip story um during primary school our lovely teachers decided a trip to the sewage works would be a good idea whilst there i remember complaining about the stink only to be told by one of the teachers actually that smell is very good for your health what i must have been satisfied with this answer as i as i have evidently spent most of my adult life believing the smell of shit is good for you as i remember every time i smelled poo although i hated it i'd be thinking well at least it's doing me some good i am now 37 and i understand this is not the case. She was just saying that to me to keep me quiet. Joe, love the podcast. That is amazing.

Imagine that, thinking, feeling a bit peaky. I should smell some shit maybe. What's the lovely message, Josh, to finish on? So I thought we'd finish with this. This is from Claire Bell. I want to pass on my thanks uh to you and tom allen for his episode of lockdown parenting hell my son is 10 and he's different he's recently been called weird and not in a good way by some of his classmates he's struggling with being the kid who

doesn't quite fit in he doesn't like football who's grown his hair long and loves a waistcoat and tie we're trying to help him to understand that being different can be a superpower but it takes bravery to be yourself when everyone else seems to fit in so tom's section of your show really chimed and i am getting him to listen to it now regards claire bell that's lovely claire thank you very much his book's basically about that it's called no shame and it's about not being ashamed of who you are going for it and and you know and as you've seen in his career he's stuck with that so he's also got an incredible audio book so if your child's a bit younger and maybe the book's a bit heavy for him and stuff i know there's a few bits in there that may be a bit saucy as well

um but um he's got the audio book so if you wanted to play that in a car or something and your kid can listen to that i'd recommend that as well um but yeah that's great it's great to know and yeah it's if anyone's kids feeling a bit uh different then tom's book and audio book is is great for that so i'm glad i'm glad i'm glad we could help josh and if you're worried that you can't get the audio book uh if you turn on your tv he will be on it exactly yes there is no danger of that whatever it is uh for someone who's worried about fitting in he don't mind going on anything, does he? He was on Soccer AM the other morning. All power to him, you know?

Going on Soccer AM, knowing nothing about football, but still being the funniest person on the show. Good lad. But I'm glad this podcast, Josh, has helped people because, you know, let's be honest here. We did it to escape our children and, you know, earn a couple of quid. So, you know, that's the main goals. But if on top of that, it helps people, that's always a nice addition, isn't it?

Exactly. Exactly. That is the main thing because they've helped us to save your Christmas, which I think is a shame, but there we go. Exactly. That's incredible. To be fair, if i knew that i wouldn't have written in to tell me to get a handyman and i'll just let me suffer so thank you for for saving my christmas thank you to everyone for listening we'll be back on friday when our guests are robbie williams and ada field williams uh that's our first couple that we're

interviewing together rob i know it's exciting and she's great age i've met her on eight or ten cats and her mum is just such an extrovert and that her mum lives with them whenever they're in LA I think but apparently Robbie and the mother-in-law get on really well we'll see you then bye