Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP67: "You can't ride a T-Rex with wet hair..."

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S01 EP67: "You can't ride a T-Rex with wet hair..."More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Oh, I went too early, Rob. I went too early. Oh, no. Sorry, but here we go. Say just Whittaker.

No. Say it. What's Whittaker? Just Whittaker. Can you say it, Isaac? No. Can you say Rob Beckett? Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just

Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just

Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just

Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just

Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just

Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just

Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just

Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just Just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, the, the, the, the, the, the,, our friend and a wonderful comedian. Oh, comedian Susie Ruffell. Comedian Susie Ruffell. So there we go. Oh, look at that.

I would never imagine Susie Ruffell's niece and nephew would be called Ada and Isaac from the stories she tells. No, exactly. Terry and June. She's a complete fraud. She's a complete fraud. Oh, dear. That's lovely.

Good old Susie. She's got a great podcast with tom allen called like minded friends that you've never listened to obviously once you listen to ours and bought everything we've advertised exactly do go back and re-listen to them because i think they do improve with every listen well our ones yeah i'd say if you could all go back and listen to to them twice that'd be great um josh this is an exciting day for the podcast. Yeah? I've bought a laptop. Oh. Because I don't want to give away the magic of how podcasting is made these days,

but I've been using my wife's eight-year-old computer. And then every time we try and record an episode, sometimes it crashes. Sometimes me and Lou argue because she needs it for admin. And when I say admin, she likes to do WhatsApp from her laptop sometimes. Oh, that is one of life's great pleasures. WhatsApp from the laptop is like, it's like a hot bath. I love TikTok in bed. I don't want to hear about your bloody private life.

No, I like going to bed. If I have a shower before bed sometimes, yeah, and getting all clean with a nice clean sheet. And I'll go up a bit early, sometimes like quarter to 10, and I'll have 45 minutes of TikTok. Which, you know, sure, I'm not sleeping properly through the night because my brain's getting a minute burst of excitement, banter or nudity. But I'm TikTok-ing, baby, until 10.30pm.

Does that mean that you're just watching TikToks? Yeah, I don't make TikToks. I just watch them. I did a few, I can't really be bothered. Alright, you're a voyeur. I'm a voyeur, yeah. But I've got this new laptop, but Josh, I think I'm officially old, because I don't know what I'm doing with it. I think I might have to book a genius appointment, like

sort of like a middle-aged auntie. Oh no. What's wrong? I just don't get, I don't understand how it all works. It's just, I just don't get... I don't understand how it all works. It's just... I've not really needed computers. But then those buttons, they're not alphabetical. They're put in an order that's actually easier for when you're typing. Yeah, that was an absolute nightmare.

But I've not really used computers, Josh. I know we joke about stiff neck, but I don't really write anything down. So I'll base it as soon as I start... You've used a computer, Rob. No, no, I've used a computer rob no no i've used a computer but i haven't used a computer i've had a computer to watch netflix or go on youtube but i don't use a computer for i don't have saved documents and all what do you do your emails on my phone i do it all i just do all of my phone because i used to travel around doing gigs and also when i first started in comedy i thought i won't need a computer, will I?

I could just do stand-up, like some sort of beat poet. But no, the pandemic's here. Also, we should say for listeners, every time we interview someone of importance on Zoom, you've got Louise Beckett written as your name. I know, I've got to change that. I'm like one of them builders, and their wife does their invoicing. And then you just, a big got to change it. I'm like one of them builders and their wife does their invoicing.

And then you just, a big geezer does it. And you have to like email Lynn at AOL.com. Hello, Lynn. Anyway, but I've got a computer and it's all snazzy. It's got like a computerized bar. Because before we started this, I was like, Josh, I can't hear you. Am I wrong with my sound but it worked out you wasn't near the mic yeah i wasn't near the mic so we're both as bad as each other

well i'm glad you've joined the uh well the late 20th century i'm gonna tell you now something for free yeah you will get very annoyed that it doesn't have a ability to uh you need an adapter to plug in everything that isn't that apple-shaped cable. Mate, it looks, I bought it and it looked like a spaceship. Now it looks like it's in the intensive care unit of a hospital. There's wires coming out of it. It's a nightmare. It don't look cool anymore.

It looks just like I'm just keeping it alive. I bought mine in America. So I've also, I've still got an American plug socket. So I wish I used dollars more than pounds because I have the ability to do that much better on my computer. I've got them because we've just realized that we should be recording. This is such a boring podcast. We're supposed to be like recording it on our laptops, but I've not been doing that. So if there's a problem with the system.

I should tell you, Rob, you've never listened to it. You've never gone out. Oh, yeah. Imagine that. You just edit me to completely butcher me to pieces. The sound of me having a breakdown on my own, that's what the show is. I mean, the problem is, I've already lived the life

and I've just remembered telling it on the podcast. I can't really live my child, my kid's life three times in a row. It's too much, isn't it? No, exactly. You don't know. You're not listening to this. I've had an excellent, excellent, well, tough week. Hang on.

What's that for? Excellent week or a tough week? Well, I'd say Friday was probably the best day of my life. Oh, you know, last week of isolation or something, or last few days, or you're done now. Rob, Friday was the day it was announced that it was going from 14 to 10 days isolation. Oh, my God. You've been given four days back.

I've been given a... You know when a prisoner gets remanded for good behavior? So, your four days. You can get... Let me paint the picture of my life, Rob. Go on. Not the whole thing, but just this section of it so the last leg has ended on the last friday before christmas every year for the last five years yes which has been really like so

i've been working up to like the 23rd one year 22nd that kind of thing yeah always so panicked that i'm not going to get to do my Christmas shopping done, not going to get anything done, this year they decide to finish a week earlier, the 11th. And for the last three or four months, all I've been thinking is I've got that week to myself and nursery is still open. Oh, yeah. And all of the year, all of the lockdown is heading towards that week. So you're basically, you've been looking forward to this week all year?

For so long. This week is so long. Because you can meet friends in beer gardens and get drunk after shopping and stuff like that. And I've had a writing deadline, which I finished, was due in the same day as the last leg, last week, Friday. And then I'm done except for a couple of Zoom-based gigs. And then last week, the absolute hammer blow of the 14 days

meant that the only day that she would be going to nursery when I wasn't working would be the coming Friday. And I had three Zoom gigs on that day. So I had no time. So when it was reprieved, and now Sunday midnight was the end of our lockdown i'll see you're free now i've got the week back i can't i felt genuinely emotional on friday i've got the week oh lovely i'm not gonna lie to you rob this morning 10 days she's been locked in the house

she doesn't want to go out oh no she'sised. She's like the old bloke from Shawshank. It's all too loud. You're just like, come on, mate. Ten days you've been stuck in here listening to Magic Christmas for eight hours a day. Oh, dear. So she's in nursery for the last few days? She's in nursery. We've treated ourselves to all four.

Oh, I think that's fair. Off the back of isolation all four. Oh, I think that's fair. Off the back of isolation, ahead of Christmas, I think that's fine. She normally does Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. But Thursday, they're having Christmas dinner. So she wouldn't want to miss that, Rob. No, exactly. She wouldn't want to miss it. It's absolutely ecstatic when you could use that as a bargaining chip

for your own self-worth and worries. It's not that bad, is it? Is it, Rose, if you send her in? Is it? Because it's Christmas as well, so you don't have to get rid of her. We love her, really, though, don't we? But it's an extra day. I was pushing for the Monday as well, Rob, but I was overruled. I'm not going to lie. Mine finish on Friday and Thursday

lunchtime, so we've been quite lucky really because we've had no isolations no no one's had it in both preschool and in primary school so we've been very lucky to be fair oh that is lucky but yeah but we've been we've been busy though otherwise i've spent both their birthdays in december so they're a week apart we've got one tomorrow and then the one was last week and it is just when you're busy like during the week of work and then you do stuff we did something on the saturday we went to a wildlife park on the saturday yeah um i used to be a bit anti zoos and feel a bit guilty about animals but since lockdown i'm sort of like fair's fair do you know what i mean we're both going through it you've been locked up we've been locked up. Do you know what I mean? We're both going through it.

Do you know what I mean? You've been locked up. We've been locked up. You know, you look at us, we'll look at you. Yeah, let's call it evens. This is the way I justify London Zoo to myself. So I did a little voiceover thing for London Zoo. Oh, yeah. And to kind of promote that it was back open.

There's quite a few comics that did it. But David Attenborough was one of the people backing it. And I'm like, if he thinks it's all right, then it must be great, right? Well, yeah, I mean, to be fair, David Attenborough could do PR for like an oil firm and then people would say it was okay. Yeah, well, exactly.

That's the power of him. If I was him, I'd be desperate to sort of push something or advertise something that was horrific just to see if i could get away with it well rob you've done that with your own career no actually i've been quite reserved it's the back end when i'm going to go mental start doing them like postcode lottery adverts so how so have you done the birthdays so so that yeah so we've done the birthday so because we've not seen my mum and dad for a little while because they're down in fanny we met my mom and dad at a wildlife park

out in the open and then did social distancing while we were there but then they could see the kids seeing the animals so we're doing all that and then you know the little things you put your heads through for photos right oh yeah yeah of course my dad 76 diabetic and um no spleen so he's quite susceptible um just pops his head through for a photo. I was like, do you know how many heads has gone through that? What are you doing, you lunatic? It's good to be able to, when they say, where do you think you got it, you can produce the photo.

Oh, God, I will. I'll tell you what, I'll let you know in 10 days. Yeah, so we did that on a Saturday, and then Sunday we went, oh, it's quite good, actually, I will. I'll tell you what, I'll let you know in 10 days. Yeah, so we did that on a Saturday, and then Sunday we went, oh, it's quite good, actually, I'd recommend this, a bus tour through London, a Peppa Pig-themed bus tour. So it's a big old red bus, and you get on, and it's a Bridget's Bakery, I think they're called, and it's quite a nice bakery, so the food's really nice.

You get afternoon tea on the bus with your kids, and there's a little iPadad and it's like a pepper pig episode showing you the sights of london as you drive past them good music playing and stuff like that at one point there's music playing the kids are singing i felt like i was in a nightclub it's the closest i've been to a night out in a year but what happened was it's all right and it's not cheap it's a bit pricey so it's a bit little bit middle class right on there and a little bit sort of like slightly ashamed and in denial that their kids like pepper instead of some sort of like, you know, posh thing.

But like we've got stuff booked, right? Next week we're supposed to be going to that Lapland place in Ascot and we're supposed to go to Centre Parcs for New Year's Eve, right? Which could be cancelled if we go in tier three because we can't do that. Because you can't travel, right? So we was a bit fed up with that or whatever. And then when we was looking for the thing, you could pre-order drinks for the afternoon tea.

So the kids get like soft drinks. Lou was like, oh, look, you can get a bottle of wine here or you can get a bottle of champagne for the afternoon tea. Should we get one or a glass? I'll get the bottle, right? Yeah, whatever. I just sort of said it in a sort of spur of the moment thing, right? Anyway, that's fine.

But when you get on the bus and no other parents drinking and you're in the cooler and they start popping champagne like you're in a club in Essex. Oh, no. That was awful. And then we're trying to end it. Like you're in collabs go dating. Yes.

Providing a sniffing commentary on yourself. Yeah, so we're bouncing around on this bus because the suspension's not great, is it? Like with this little glass of champagne. And then, oh my God, I felt a bit like, a bit embarrassed to be that couple drinking. There's some people that have gone home with an anecdote there.

For sure. For sure. Also, the kids, like, we took them on the train. Their hands were everywhere. It's impossible to keep a kid social distancing, isn't it? Like, they're just, it's insane. It's so hard. hard well it's quite easy with my kid because she's never leaving the house again seemingly she's got stuck home syndrome with matt hancock have i told you she doesn't want to watch the snowman until christmas day she's implemented her own ruling that's a very

job that is a very widdicombe very widdicombe that is yeah that's something you you have your nice little things you like doing at certain points, don't you? I feel like you quite like it. Yeah, I can see that. If we do that then, and then that's nice type of. Yeah, but come on, mate. We want to watch the snow. Let's get in the Christmas spirit here.

She doesn't want to watch any Christmas films until Christmas day. And you're like, mate. Oh no, that's not right though. It's as good as over by that point. Yeah, you're tapping out. The build up's the best bit. The Christmas day's the start of the come down, isn't it?

The Christmas Day when you're a child is actually the most heartbreaking day of the year, I think. Well, that last bit of wrapping paper goes in the bag.

Oh, God. And then you think, oh, no, 365 days until Christmas. It's the furthest you are from Christmas. That's why I feel sorry for my kids' December birthdays.

It's too much fun at once. Yeah, they've got nothing to look forward to for another 11 months. And then my birthday's much fun at once. Yeah, they've got nothing to look forward to for another 11 months. And then my birthday's 2nd of Jan. Why were you so randy in March, Rob? That is the problem. Do you know what?

I just love fucking in March. I just love to bang early spring. What can I say? I don't know what it is. I don't know what the virus is. First sign of a lamb and you're away. Yeah. Basically, I sort of get warmed up valentine's day and it

takes me a couple of weeks to get into the mood and then i'm raring to go in march i've always i've always been like that um rob we should say what our plan is over christmas uh for the podcast which is uh so this is next Friday, Christmas. So next week, we've got our episodes normally on Tuesday and Friday. We're switching back. So our interview with Philippa Perry is on Tuesday and then we'll do a special Christmas Day episode. Yeah.

But with Christmas Day, Rob, coming up, I do feel like we need to discuss the amount of emails we've got about your trampoline situation. Oh, has it gone up again? Have you developed, has the situation developed at all? Right, yes. So the situation is as thus. Louise Beckett, my wife, is in complete denial.

She is refusing. She is like in the Trump administration in mid-March. The trampoline building is a hoax as far as she's concerned. She thinks it will be fine where everyone's overreacting i'm trying to tell her about the emails even people on the whatsapp school group attending are it stressful so the situation as stands is i've got some family coming over christmas eve part of the bubble then lou is taking the kids out at 2 p.m and because they come around for a morning

thing and then my dad and brother I think are going to help me build it okay so you're not flying alone so I'm not flying alone so the situation is from 2 p.m Christmas Eve me and my brother will attempt to build it with my dad's shout and instructions right let me take you through some some emails oh should I start with a positive oh please I need something dear Rob you can do this i know this because i have done it oh like you i set out to build a trampoline for my niece and nephew on christmas eve against all odds your wife will tell you it can't be done solo quite the opposite yeah she'll offer to help then tell you it's impossible it's all right you tried she'll tell

you to disturb the neighbor you don't know on Christmas Eve to help. That was another suggestion, by the way, was that you build it in your neighbour's garden, Rob. Yeah. In the days before, but do you know your neighbours well enough? Sort of, but my kids will be able to see it and they'll be able to see it in the next door's garden. Yeah, and then what if they go, God, I really don't want the trampoline. No, but they'll just be like, Christmas Day.

Oh, what, so you've just stolen a garden? Hang on, Dad. So you've just stolen, or hang on dad so you've just stolen or father Christmas has stolen a trampoline from next door and also they'll be like why is your 91 year old neighbor got a trampoline in her garden even her grandkids are grown up what's the trampoline doing so Nick did it solo in 42 minutes 39 seconds oh. Oh, all right. That's the time I've got to beat. What is that, an eight footer?

How big does it say? It doesn't say. Okay. So. 42 minutes. This person. I've assembled my daughter's 10 foot trampoline. How big's yours?

I think it's eight foot, you know. Right. It's smaller, so yeah. I would recommend a ratchet strap. Oh, what the fuck is that? To help you pull and attach the strings around it. What the hell is a ratchet strap? I'm fuck is that to help you pull and attach the strings around it what the hell is a ratchet strap i'm gonna send you a picture oh that thing it looks pretty heavy duty four thousand kilogram how big do i need four ton so it basically looks

like a kind of heavy duty bit of climbing equipment really doesn't it i am awful uh basically my daughter got a bike for her birthday and she'll have got it by the time this goes out and that took me three hours to do oh really because we're doing bike for christmas i didn't know it was a thing i am useless i haven't got i haven't got any tools i just have to use what they send me but now i've got to buy a ratchet strap mate you're in serious trouble here there's someone here victoria hoyle who suggests you dressing as father christmas while you do it so that if they see you then your wife can say that it's it is father christmas putting it up but from a pr point of view i think it's just going to do the terrible things for father christmas's pr if they just see me screaming and

swearing also i'll be completely clean shaven because I've got to do a drag episode. I've got to shave my beard off again, which makes me look like a mad auntie. No, you could wear a fake beard. Okay, alright then. I'm getting stressed now, Josh. Can we talk about something else? It's upsetting me. I'm going to get ratchet-strap and let you know how we get on.

How long could Lou keep the kids out of the house? What's your deadline? At that point, I don't think that's the issue because they could come back with all the curtains drawn. But my issue is daylight. Your issue is daylight, of course. That's what I'm fighting against, the sun.

But look, this is what we're doing. I'm getting a ratchet strap. There's going to be my brother there. My dad will be there. It'll be absolutely fine. And what we're going to do is, the like the last episode and we're gonna have a couple of weeks off aren't we're going to come back in mid-jan but i reckon we should maybe do a new year's eve or new year's day episode and we can catch everyone up on christmas and let them

know what happened the trampoline great idea i think that's a good idea and i can actually i could record some of it live from the trampoline if the weather's good yeah that'd be good some updates some voice updates on the trampoline as it goes and can I ask what your alcohol how much alcohol will be in your blood during the trampoline okay so um the plan is to have an espresso martini with my brother pre-build just to hype us up and then I'm not gonna start drinking anymore until it's a bit more in looking like it's jump honorable but then on christmas day i will just be drunk from the morning all day so that's going to be my christmas alcohol intake i think yeah fair enough i look forward to hearing how it goes would you

like an update from uh do you remember the couple who we asked for more info the husband broke his arm and he was made to go and sleep on the sofa yes from ages ago this was wasn't it yeah so this is rebecca price says hello rob and josh in answer to your questions he was banished to the sofa as i was worried i might accidentally roll over onto the broken arm still doesn't say why it's him yeah i still think she should go downstairs i was rather miffed as not only did he break his arm on our daughter's birthday, but we were two weeks off moving

house and we hadn't started packing. He was as helpful with the packing as a newborn baby. We've now moved and have since upsized from a double to a king and he's back in the bed. Yeah, I am very much on the side of the broken-armed man here. I don't want to make this a gender war. She's also added it was bloody freezing very much on the side of the broken armed man here um i don't want to make i don't

want to make this agenda she's also added it was bloody freezing for him on the sofa and he used a thermal sleeping bag like he was camping this is one of the bleakest stories i've ever heard josh let no way on earth should someone with a broken bone be forced to sleep in a sleeping bag on a sofa in case that their partner rolls on them that is is not acceptable. Let him get some sleep with his broken arm. And also, he's got a broken arm. He's not going to be able to move out. I'm sorry if it messes your schedule up, but get some

movers in or some help. You just got to accept that. I think that's unfair on him. Says the man who's putting up his own trampoline on Christmas Eve. Yeah, I know, but if I had a broken arm, I would get help in. Well, that might be one of your options, Rob. That might be one of your better options would be to break your arm to get some help in. Oh, God.

I used to do jobs I hated and I used to think sometimes if I just broke my leg, I'd get loads of time off. That's bleak, isn't it? Do you ever think that? No, I remember that before my first Edinburgh when I was very stressed about it. Oh, really? Yeah, thinking, God, if I got something wrong with me now, I'd get out of this. Josh, I've got a message for you. This is from Isaac, Scruffy Josh.

This is entitled. Hello, after listening to Rob's parents' opinion on Josh being scruffy on telly, I didn't quite believe it, but tonight I've stumbled across an old YouTube video of Rob and Josh playing FIFA, where it looks like Josh has very greasy hair. I've just got out of the shower. Before you get all aggy and defend yourself, let's finish the email, Josh. Is there a story

behind this? Has Josh got out of the shower? Is it copious amounts of gel? Has Josh not showered for days? Was it okay to be featured on YouTube looking like this? So many questions that I need answering. i've attached a screenshot from the video and this is my youtube channel if you want to go and subscribe tweet that we'll tweet and instagram that but um yeah you do look like you've just got out the swimming pool your hair is soaking wet so when my hair's longer like that if i dry it with a towel it just goes into a ball of fuzz.

So I have to kind of let it dry naturally. So I can't really be having a shower within an hour of appearing on a YouTube channel. And I've obviously mistimed it. So what happens if you dry your hair with a hairdryer? Oh, mate, it's like that episode of Friends where Monica goes to Hawaii or wherever they go and her hair goes all big. It's that. So do you use a towel or you just completely leave it?

Well, now, because it's shorter now, so just use a towel and then put product in it. Yeah, but when it's longer, I used to pat it down with a towel, but don't give it the scrub and then you have to leave it. Because I used to see you sometimes in Soho when, obviously, it was busier and we're just starting out comedy running around to places. And you would have soaky wet hair running to a gig

where you've obviously had a shower late. But then would you have a shower early? I once did a gig when it was snowy and I showered just before I went out. This was actually my first ever preview for my first ever Edinburgh show. And it was like January or whatever, so it was snowing. And my hair froze on the way to the tube because it was still wet. Really? Yeah, it was so cold.

And my hair was wet that it froze. I had like frozen hair. Oh, my God. Because imagine if someone ruffled your hair and it all fell out. Yeah, it could. You just snapped it like icicles. Imagine doing that, someone just ruffled your hair, that you didn't realise and got to the gig,

and then halfway through the gig you were bald. On fails. So this is called Massive Parenting Fail from Rachel White. Hi there, Josh and Rob. Love your podcast. Thank you very much. I thought you'd appreciate my Massive Parenting Fail from Rachel White. Hi there, Josh and Rob. Love your podcast. Thank you very much. I thought you'd appreciate my massive parenting fail this week. My son is 12 and it was Christmas jumper day at school.

While I was out shopping, I saw some Christmas socks. Bought him them as a treat for him to wear as well. Yesterday, he returned from school saying he'd been a laughing stock. And did he realize what was on the socks? And were they supposed to be like that i'm gonna send you how old is he 12 oh 12 is a tricky age as well yeah it's you can't laugh a lot off at 12 i got bullied for high-tech socks at school and it still scars me well this i'd say this is worse i've sent sent it through. Oh, my God. So there's elves having sex? Yeah, it's full of elves having sex in different sexual positions.

Oh, my God. Imagine having elf porn socks at school. They're like cartoon elves, just to be clear. Oh, yeah, they're not humans. They're cartoon elves, but they look like they're just having fun. If you look closer, one's getting done doggy, one's giving one a blowjob, one's sitting on the other's face face which i didn't even know that's the thing that two blokes could do i didn't know that's an option the graphic socks you know i mean no but they're subtly graphic

because they're fully clothed elves and it just looks like shapes but you can see a pixelated elf bulge this poor kid wore them to school oh my, my God. Could you imagine the energy and fever that would run through a classroom when someone in PE, but you're in the PE changing rooms. It stinks of Lynx Africa, right? People are half-dressed. You turn around and little Tommy has got, what's happening on your socks, Tom? And it'll be like, he's got elves having sex.

It would be carnage at 12. Oh, my God. At 12, dicks are the funniest things in the world like so seeing a little green elf dick bulge on a kid's sock so how did she get how did he get on did you mention what happened at school is he all right the kid um he returned from school saying he'd been a laughingstock well yeah that's yeah. That's the only detail we've got. A laughingstock. A very sort of middle-aged man thing to describe how their day was. A laughingstock.

I was an absolute laughingstock. I'm presuming Rachel is paraphrasing him rather than quoting him directly. She hasn't put it in quotation marks. Mum, it was an absolute disaster. I was a laughingstock at the school. The eldest not suitable for school. In the education system. You can't suitable for school. In the education system. You can't have elves having sex in the education system, Mum.

Bless him. Oh, what a legend, though. There we go. There we go. Oh, that is, I feel for him now. I'm trying to, I've got some Star Wars socks over there we can send him or something. Yeah, what's it got? Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader.

Well, you can't have Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. That would be incest. Oh, I mean, yeah. I draw Darth Vader. That would be incest. Oh, I mean, yeah. I draw the line at incest sex on socks. Elves having sex? Sure. Couple of Jedis banging, not a problem. Yoda having it off, I'll give you that.

But you can't have a father and son having sex. Whether one's got a helmet or not. Oh, come on. Grow up, Rob. Sorry. It's lovely stuff. So, Rob, your tip has backfired. Oh, what tip? Our two-year-old Ruby is often reluctant to get into the bath.

She runs up and down the landing and generally procrastinates. After listening to Rob's put-them-in-the-bath-with-socks-on idea, I thought it would be a surefire way to get Ruby into the bath quickly, speed up the whole bed... Night-hearted banter, isn't it? Bit of fun. Yeah, and generally accelerate getting to the point in the evening when I'm on the sofa questioning my life choices. The time came.

I plonked her in the bath with socks on and made sure she knew I thought it was a hilarious mistake. She screamed in my face, slipped over in a rush to take the wet socks off, and threw them in my face saying, no, Daddy, that's dirty. I'm sure it worked for some, but it didn't work for us, unfortunately.

Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work. I mean, she's not wrong, though. that's dirty. I'm sure it worked for some, but it didn't work for us, unfortunately. Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work. I mean, she's not wrong, though. They are dirty socks. It's not okay, really. But I just thought, you know, my daughter loves that. She thinks it's hilarious. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Ben and Jess in Chingford, they've had a very different experience.

I always feel like, you know those things where you think, I mean, it's the old, it's the old nose stroke, Rob, but every child's different, aren't they? That's, that's the thing you realise.

Every child, also Chingford, Essex, Essex, that you take a lot more care about your appearance in Essex. Do you know what I mean? Well, exactly.

You're saying the child is too vain for the, I'm not saying the child's vain. I'm just saying potentially the child may have, you know, have a different sort of approach to style, you know, compared to, you know, some of, like South, little south little oik in southeast under like me with dirty socks you don't even wear socks rob well no that southeast underness it's not big sock wearers

especially in the summer i've always stood by that you find it disgusting i don't wear socks i remember you you've mentioned it a number of times i just find it odd what little pop socks underneath pop socks about a seven-year-old girl wears, aren't they? In my head, pop socks are those ones with the frills on the top. I know they're not, but you know the ones the girls wear with the frills on the top. Oh, no, they're not pop socks. I'm talking about them little ones, just trainer socks that hide underneath. Like trainer socks, yeah, yeah.

I'm not wearing, like, socks like an 11-year-old girl in a school in Australia. Oh, I should say that I've been wearing a track suit. Rob, I enjoy my trackuit so much i tried to wear it to bed but rose wouldn't let me oh in bed i was like this is so comfy i don't know why i'd ever take it off in bed i know but you're not even got the comfy when you're wearing thicker ones aren't you as well yeah you got oh mate there's a whole world of cozy that you're not even experiencing do you know what i mean you you feel like i feel like you're sort of like you know like somebody's amish and they've not really experienced all the different like electricity or different things it feels like you've never used a computer before

mate come on no i feel like you've just had a sip of coca-cola and you're like oh my god all these flavors i've only ever had water all my life wait till wait you know get a little down your mate get an apple tango your brain will explode um you know i did have an apple tango the other day for the first time in in years too sweet too sweet too sweet too sweet in my memory it tastes like an apple ties but it doesn't does it it's so sweet i couldn't believe it it's nice hang on I genuinely felt like tangoed the whole experience. You actually got tangoed. I actually got tangoed all these years later.

I got tangoed. Have you been tangoed? I got tangoed the other day. Absolutely tangoed. Just sat there in your jogging bottoms, just like questioning yourself. God, has it got sweeter or can I just not take it anymore? Like an old footballer, you know, trying to mark Cristiano Ronaldo. Is he really got sweeter or can I just not take it anymore? Like an old footballer,

you know, trying to mark Cristiano Ronaldo. Is he really good now or am I just old school? What's going on? It was like that game, you know,

there's like Gary Neville says there was one game he played in. Oh yeah. He just thought this is it. Yeah. And that was me with Apple Tango.

I thought it's over for me and soft drinks. I think you've, I think you've outgrown pop. I think I have outgrown pop. You're not a pop guy. Would you drink a, would you drink a i'll drink a fanta if hungover beyond that and i'll be honest with you i'll get one of those like i i'd get an apple ties or a fizzy apple that's basically fizzy apple juice

yeah if you're in a pub or something and you don't want an alcoholic drink. Now, I just drink water or squash. You just drink water? Water or orange squash. Squash. Diluted orange squash. What do you just have, water and tea? Water, or if I'm treating myself, fizzy water. Yeah.

Tea. And then the ultimate hangover drink for me, pint of orange juice and soda water with ice. That is... But not if you're indoors yeah do it yourself oh oh yeah i suppose you can can't you you got all the ingredients there no but fellas you've got you've got to buy a soda water though what orange are you using for that squash no like fresh not squash fresh oh no enjoy yourself enjoy yourself i i well yeah i do like on squash but lou drinks loads of Diet Coke,

and it's quite bad, actually. And she's got me into more fizzy drinks because she has so many of it, but that's a sticking point. But that's because she wasn't allowed any fizzy drinks growing up. And they even used to, her mum used to even dilute her orange juice with water. Oh, my word. I know, it's like something from the war, isn't it?

Yeah. But because of that, all her and her sisters absolutely smashed Diet Coke like it's water, where I got fizzy drinks for birthdays and Christmas and special occasions, right? And then it was just water or squash throughout the week as a kid. And I'll have a fizzy drink now and again, but not that bothered. But Lou, because she was denied it, is an absolute thirsty queen for it. Rob, I'm going to say it.

We should have a Hall of Fame for the most mundane chats we've ever had on this show. Oh, century eating's got me out there, innit? Yeah, century eating. We'll start the Hall of Fame with century eating and follow it. The second in the Hall of Fame

is which fizzy drinks do you like? Also, I panic sometimes and try and bring it back round to parenting. I was like, yeah, because lose mum, like it's a parent thing. Anything. Quick, give us another email, Josh. Fuck. Right. We've done so well. Okay, parenting hack. Parenting hack. Parenting hack. I can't believe

how many people have listened to this. We should tell the listeners. We're going to do an announcement when it hits 10 million, but we've had, what, 9 million downloads. Is that right, Josh? Michael? Yeah, we are very nearly at 10 million. Very nearly at 10 million. We are very nearly at 10 million downloads.

Imagine if that fizzy drink thing stops it dead and we never make it to 10 million. That's what I'm thinking. Are we getting so many because of these chats or is this the thing that will kill us? Yes, that's the worry, isn't it? Do you know what? I heard you drinking.

I was drinking, yeah. Sorry. You couldn't get that tea down quick enough. No, that was water. Just try and answer me. Straight water. Straight water, mate. Straight water.

Get a tango, mate. Fucking live your life. Jesus Christ. I'd rather have a tango again after what they did to me. Josh, have we got any, we should talk about someone's kids. Have you got any, any emails about kids yet?

This is amazing. I can go into Instagram if we need to. No, this is an amazing tip from Ashley Bennett. Go on, Ashley.

See what you think of this. We have two, we have a four-year-old and a two-and-a-half-year-old girl. When we hit what we call the witching hour, the bit after tea but before bath and bedtime,

you know, whether aggy but just a bit meh, we found a genius way for them to listen to simple commands as any kid they tend to listen to grandparents teachers and random strangers before mum and dad we have an echo dot in our kitchen is that the that's an amazon thing isn't it that's like uh i think that's amazon you know, one of them weird Siri things, whatever it's called. Oh, who cares?

They know what they're talking about. It's a smart speaker. Alexa. It's an Alexa. It's an Alexa. It's a smart speaker thing. Google Home, Apple House.

There's a handy app that goes along with it. The announce function allows you to write a message that plays through Alexa. It's the best 148 characters you can ever use. Simple commands like tidy your toys or santa is watching or asking them to go and rub mummy's feet uh works every time the possibilities

are endless oh so basically what they're doing yeah is their children won't listen to them but they will listen to alexa so they're putting their commands through alexa to get their children to do it is this ethical oh i i don't know but i think i think it's difficult if it's your own child but if you start hacking into other people's houses and getting their kids to do things definitely not um but i i think it's good like you know like the great philosopher once said peter park's uncle, with great power comes great responsibility. And Spider-Man doesn't take the piss, does he? So what we're saying here is you can get him to do stuff,

but use this wisely. You don't want to be wasting it on little things. But if there's a big meltdown going on, I think it should be your DEFCON 4. Do you know what I mean? It's time for bath. If they're kicking off, it's time for bath now, not just like, oh, pick that up off the floor or put your spoon back on the side. Do you know what I mean? It's time for bath. It's time for bath now, not just like, oh, pick that

up off the floor or put your spoon back on the side. Do you know what I mean? That little stuff. You can't exclusively communicate with your child through a robot. I've always said that. You've always said that. Always. Do you know what I mean? Even the early days of just Etch-a-Sketch. I think it is good.

I think it is good. I think there comes a point when a child thinks that Alexa is a real person that's bossing them around where it could get problematic. But to be honest with you, I'm willing to put that aside if it would make her tidy up. We've got into stickers now. Stickers. The old reward stickers is an absolute winner.

Oh, little reward chart. That was a bit – that sort of stopped. Now that minor – like school and preschool, they sort of get that sort of from school but especially over christmas and summer holidays the sticker reward chart is is needed like anyone though aren't they kids they need like anyone at a job you need sort of little challenges and it rewards for those challenges to show progress and feel like you're doing something or otherwise you get you go away we have a monthly meeting with hr to see how they've done that's what we do at the end of every month. I thought we'd end with a

nice email. Yes, let's do this. Hello there. My name is Jack Lavery and I'm emailing you guys to tell you how proud and thankful I am of my wife, Zara. Early this year I had a seizure where I dislocated both my shoulders. I broke six ribs and fractured my spine along with

a host of other issues. Did he sleep on the sofa or did he get into the bed? Not a great start to the year but Zara has looked after me unbelievably well all the while heavily pregnant with our second child who was born in June. Seeing as she's now the full-time driver she has full control of the radio and all we ever listen to is your podcast. In fact as I write, she's just switched you on in the kitchen. She loves the podcast so much and it's become a huge part of her daily life. It's been a hard year for our family and Zara's been such a great wife and mum to our kids, Kian and Sophia. And in the midst of all this, you've both brought her great laughter throughout. I was hoping by

sending this email, I could get you guys to give her a shout out to tell her how much everything she's done for me and the kids and how much it's meant to us. And we love her loads. Oh, well, well done, Zara. Thank you very much for listening and for being such a lovely mum and wife to your poor husband, who I imagine did sleep in the bed. This is really a lovely email to have. And it's going to, you know, the other lady that emailed in earlier about forcing a broken armed husband to, you know, sleep on the sofa, sofa it's gonna make her feel quite guilty don't you think josh yeah i do think that she's um you know she thought she was helping us by giving us more details but if anything it's backfired massively she's lovely you know she seems like a lovely lady but she's no zara is she let's face it zara's actually smashing who is who is

but thank you very much for listening and you know that's I'm sure it's nice that's a lovely message isn't it? Very nice very nice um we're back on Friday with Andy Day are you aware what the name Andy Day means Rob or do you want let's be very clear to the listeners how he's better known? Well he's so he's so famous in our lives now that he doesn't even need his surname he's Andy from CBeebiesbs he's andy's andy's dinosaur adventure the adventure guy from cbbs yeah he's got i'd say the most beautiful hair in television yeah and i'm just sick to the back teeth i didn't ask him how he gets his hair so lovely does he do the shower and leave it method of josh willicon who knows i forgot to ask we'll

never know you can't be getting on the back of a T-Rex with wet hair, mate. Especially in the Ice Age, it'll snap off. Exactly. But it's Andy Day, lovely bloke, absolute legend on CBeebies

and it was a great chat. Right, see you on Friday, guys. See you later. Bye.