Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP7: Ellie Taylor

Episode Date: May 19, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP7: Ellie TaylorJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the brilliant comedian, writer and actress, Ellie Taylor. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick! The clicker around the room! You guys just about finished?

Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while

dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe.

And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not.

And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with me. Josh. We're good too. And me. We're Beckett. That's nice, isn't it?

Yeah, lovely, isn't it? Really sweet. Really nice. My daughter's saying our names. Still struggling with Widdicombe, but that's fine. It's a tough surname. I like our little intro, but it's a bit self-involved, having it as my kid doing it every week. So I thought, why don't we open it up to our listeners That's fine. It's a tough surname. I like our little intro, but it's a bit self-involved,

having it as my kid doing it every week. So I thought, why don't we open it up to our listeners? And if they get their kids saying our names, Rob Beckett and Josh Whittacombe, and email them to us, we can put them in at the start of the show and give them a shout out. And maybe they've done something. So they took their first steps or be quite young to speak, or they wrote their name for the first time, or they swam a length of swimming, whatever they they've done send in the voice note to us and also let us know what

they've done their name and their age and where they're from and we'll give them a shout out like blue peter that sounds nice doesn't it have i told you that my daughter's calling me josh now and it's really getting to me oh yeah they started doing that to me that was really annoying um and they know that it's annoying power play isn't it't it? Yeah. And they even do like a Robert. Oh, really? Instead of Rob. Yeah. They love it.

When they find out, it's a bit like when you find out your teacher's name, you just absolutely buzz off it. You are not a Rob. You have never been a Robert, ever. No. My mum wanted to call me Robbie. Well, I could see you as a Robbie.

I mean, Bobby Beckett. I reckon if I was called Bobby Beckett, I'd have gone straight to the cruise ships. I mean, you're not far off. When they're back, I'm back. That's what I'm saying. We should start, Rob, with how our weeks have been and some tales from the parenting front line. Now, Rob, this is what happened to you. So we decided to go to the beach just to get

out of the house because we're allowed now. We went to a big one in Bimchurch, massive beach so we could socially distance. We were there for about half an hour. It was too windy and cold. They both cried. We've got them all back in the car. And I just said out loud, oh, I can't wait to go home. We've been out of lockdown 12 hours.

Have you been out since? No. That is unbelievable. No, we've just been in the garden. That was, also, if you look at the time code on that, it was 11.34 a.m. and we were leaving the beach to come home. That explains, they'd been getting up at 5.30am, Josh, so we just chucked them in the car. The highlight of that day was the three-hour round trip

where they slept, they slept for a bit, and I was just on the motorway with my wife and we went, oh, this is bliss, isn't it? The kind of thing you'd say when you got your first cocktail on a holiday. Oh, this is bliss are you tempted just just to drive and drive and drive for the rest of lockdown like if that's the best bit how long do you reckon you could get away with it well just doing laps of the m25 i mean i

i tell you what we are gonna do we're gonna drive to mcdonald's in welling and park near it to get a delivery off uber eats that is one of the bleakest things I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, I know. But I'm doing it. Do you know when a sentence starts bleak and then every extra bit gets worse and worse and worse? I don't know where I'm going to park. We're going to drive to McDonald's and I thought, all right, fair enough.

In Welling, here we go. Park nearby and get an Uber Eats delivery. Oh, that is bleak. I'm going gonna have to say i'm in a car parked outside an address oh it's horrible also the problem with going out is they say the beaches are open the parks are open go and have a picnic see your friend from two meters away there's no toilets open josh i had course so do you want to hear what happened to me on the beach basically because we're potty training we've got this little travel potty thing where you put a plastic bag in it it's got a bit of tissue in it and a bag i just knelt on the beach, basically, because of potty training, we've got this little travel potty thing where you put a plastic bag in it

that's got a bit of tissue in it and a bag. I just knelt on the beach facing the sea. I walked to the front and just knelt. Look, I was praying at the waves and just knelt and pissed into a bag. Oh, my God. Into the child's potty bag? Yeah, into the child's potty bag. And at one point, I could sense a kid with a ball behind me and I was like oh god

if that kid runs in front of me that's flashing isn't it do you think if the paparazzi had got that shot that would have been the end of your career it could be laughed off as a funny story it depends yeah if there's no one nearby and it's just me but if the paparazzi shots full frontal and there's a kid in the shot horrified career over your career can be ruined by an angle are you getting this story out there now for fear that it's going to come out a later date i'm being blackmailed about it basically and i'm not willing to pay i'm trying to just drop the story now but yep i wanged my knob out on the beach had a piss first day out of lockdown but yeah that was that was that. We've stayed in since. We've not been out.

I've had a terrible morning. I lost my wallet in the park. So I went to the park with my daughter. And then we came back and we went to buy a light bulb. But obviously that's in the shop that sells magazines. And it's impossible to get past the magazines. Okay, yes. There's no way of getting past a rack of magazines.

They're so expensive. And the stuff on the front is the definition of shit. Yeah. It's like, the stuff on the front of kids' magazines is like the ultimate wasteful crap that our society is, not to get too heavy on it, but I think it is. I'm a climate change expert, and I'm not like one of the proper Greta Kinos about it,

but even I look at that and go, do we need that plastic sellotape yeah in front of that they throw it on the floor immediately do you know what we've got loads of like loads of toys that have amassed over the two and a half years none of the stuff of the magazine has ever stood the test of time oh no no one ever goes oh where did you get that lovely little toy kitchen oh it was on the front of door of the explorer magazine it's just not a thing where did you get that pepper little toy kitchen? Oh, it was on the front of Dora the Explorer magazine. It's just not a thing. Where did you get that Peppa Pig mobile phone that's thinner than a piece of paper? There were some of McDonald's Happy Meals toys.

They get that on the level of shit. They are, nothing's worse than that, potentially a really cheap cracker. Yes, yeah, exactly. But beyond that, no way. No way. Anyway, so you had to go past the magazines. So I bought a magazine, right?

Didn't have my wallet. It was obviously in the park. It had fallen out. My wallet sticks to the case on my phone. So for two months I've been saying this wallet's going to get pulled out of my pocket around my phone. It was gone. And then I dropped my daughter at home and I said,

I'm going to go to the park and look for my wallet. I'm not going to lie. I had a lovely time. Even though I'd lost my wallet. I'm not going to lie. I had a lovely time, even though I'd lost my wallet. I'm jealous. That half hour of with my headphones in. Oh, headphones as well. Went for a walk in the sun in the park.

And even though I know now that both of my debit cards and my driving licence I've got to get replacements for, it was worth it. Yeah. For that little time on my own, it was absolutely glorious. See, it's the little things. I mean, like, the key to lockdown for me is always have your headphones on you because you never know when you might be sent away somewhere and get 20 minutes in a queue i stood outside

a bp garage for a loaf of bread for 20 minutes with no headphones i've never been sadder just stood there looking at people and judging them for being too close for 20 minutes. All I wanted was a little podcast to just tap out on. Oh. Oh, awful. People complaining about the queues outside shops. That's the fucking best bit, mate. Yeah. Queuing outside a shop.

That is my Saturday night out. That is, I feel when I approach a big queue, like I feel when I go to the pub and have my first pint. It's genuinely wonderful. Also, especially before you can meet mates, if your mate was in the queue next to you, you've got a free night out for half an hour. You're like, it's my mate.

I can chat to you. I'm not breaking the rules. Let's do this. Same time next week. Oh, yeah. So I've lost my wallet. If anyone finds it in Victoria Park, then please do get in touch.

Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please.

Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone.

Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Now, do you want some letters? Oh, yes, please. Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Now, do you want some letters? Oh, yes, please. Also, I've got a little tip for keeping kids entertained,

if you want that now or later, Josh. Oh, yeah, yeah. Basically, it's probably not great for the whole plastic environment thing, but I think you do have to judge when... Zorbing. Yeah, children zorbs, just chuck them down the road and pick them up an hour later. They can't get up love it oh knackered out by bedtime um no but what it is off um off amazon or wherever you get your shit basically amazon but um you can buy it for 15 quid a pack of like 20 25 helium balloons that animals have little feet on you weight them down

you see them in shopping centers yeah they're normally about six quid each. You can buy a whole pack for 10, 15 quid, 25 of them, get a big bottle of helium, and we basically had a zoo in the house. The kids went mental for it. Lovely. And you keep them in the drawer and bring them out and have a zoo day. It was quality. Loved it.

Well, this is genuinely, you don't know that I'm going to read this email out. This is from someone. Astonishingly, this person is called Saul Campbell. Oh! Not Saul, S-A-U-L, Saul Campbell. When you're called Saul Campbell, you don't think that that name's going to become famous. But there we go.

Right. Hi, gents. I just wanted to share a quick story with you, which happened yesterday. As I try to work full time throughout the week with my missus and a two-year-old son at home i absolutely crave the weekends for not only the time i get to spend with them both but the slight reprieve between 12 and 1 p.m where my little boy jackson would normally catch his 40 winks as i took some quality one-on-one time out with my son to kick a ball around just before doing a lap of the block to get him under just as i could sense he was on the verge of a highly anticipated snooze we approached a house on the

road which had an amazing array of animal balloons tied to the gate i thought jackson was now asleep so i foolishly proceeded towards the house as i assumed it was simply a parent's attempt to lighten the mood as we got to the gate there was a sign free children's balloons help yourself does this ring any bells rob yeah but now you're embarrassing me because i hate people that bring stuff up like this oh do you no i don't mind it but yeah that i put that we had we bought an extra pack and put them on outside the house for nobodies yeah he says he says it was your house yeah and um my son snapped out of his pre-nap stillness and started pointing, saying, Daddy, Daddy, I was in an absolute predicament. He wanted a balloon.

They're free and available to take, unlike in most situations. Now he wants to play with it and not go to sleep. I've been waiting five days straight for this nap. Oh, I'm so... Throughout the week, it's my golden hour to get shit done. At the weekends, I can get a snooze in or a panic about how I'm going to use the time. good effect not wanting to be a prick of a dad i reached for a balloon and then

had the awkward tussle of trying to detach it from the fence which from the cars driving by looked as though i was definitely stealing kids birthday decorations from their house in a panic and to afford further judgment from passes by i quickly yanked the balloon away from the fence and scuttled off down the road in the window of of the house, as I looked back, I could see the silhouettes of a family inside. Watch as I made a pig's ear of the transaction. I made it back home, the other end of the road, and Jackson was wide awake, loving life with his balloon. My missus gave me a dissatisfied look, as though I'd failed in a simple task, and gave me a puzzled look as she glanced at an inflatable pug. She decided to take him out in the car and get him off to sleep.

One hour later, she comes home with a hyper-toddler shouting doggy-doggy as he barged his way in. My son did not have a nap that day. My eyes are still burning, and it turns out the free balloons belong to Rob Beckett. So in short, thank you for the balloon, mate. You owe me a solid hour of sitting and doing fuck all, which I pray for every week. Oh, Mr. Campbell,

I'm so sorry. After the joy you brought me at Arsenal. Do you know what's funny about that, though? We put them out. We put scissors out as well, because we tied them. The amount of people that didn't see the scissors were there for ages and getting more and more flustered and stressed, because it looked like they were stealing

it, even though there was a sign. we were looking at that oh it's fluffy look that we really made those kids days it's nice isn't it doing nice things but now i know i ruined someone's weekend oh bless sorry mr campbell if it is the soul campbell yes it's not it's not is it if you're going to change your name so no one knows it's Sol Campbell, you wouldn't just change the first a bit. He signed it Sol, S-O-L. Mate, if Sol Campbell took a pug off my drive, I'd know about it. It can't be.

It can't be Sol Campbell. I can't believe I missed Sol Campbell taking an inflatable pug. If it is Sol Campbell, surely. Wouldn't you mention, and by the way, I'm Sol Campbell? You'd have to, wouldn't you? No, the way i'm soul campbell you'd have to wouldn't you no but then people would say that about you because you're on the telly all the time yes it is josh winnicombe it's me but i could be for the record i didn't know you was going to read that let that out that's just no you didn't i swear you no lou took a picture to

to because it looked nice out the front and then i went i just thought do you know what i'm glad i'm not one of those pricks that would put this on the internet going but i have now through you i've shown the world that you're a nice man it's not all the time we might start doing it once a week yeah don't i don't want hordes of people trying to steal puns from our front drive one One of them, Sol Campbell. He's told Pascal Seagon he's coming down to get one. Stepanovs was here knocking last night. You ain't got any zebras. Gil Barton Silver had a zebra last week.

If you want to get in touch with the show, here is how. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. So today's guest is Ellie Taylor, who's a comedian and actor and got her own podcast, Ellie and Anna Have Issues, and she's got an 18-month-old at home with her in lockdown. Enjoy. Hello, Ellie Taylor, how are you? I'm alive at the end her in lockdown. Enjoy. Hello, Ellie Taylor. How are you?

I'm alive at the end of another day. That's good. Welcome to the show. Happy you're here alive. Oh, good Lord. It never ends, does it? It doesn't, mate. I was saying to Rob that your Instagram stories, along with Rob's, are both the bleakest and the most

reassuring things of the lockdown. Thank you. Thank you. I think that's a good point. Yeah. I mean, I feel like it's the closest I can get to doing any work at the moment. Cause my husband is like, he has a full-time grown up job. So he's trying to do that from home. So I am by default, childcare, full-time childcare. Although my sister's like, it's not childcare really if it's your own child and I'm like it is I do consider it still child care your care for a child doesn't matter if you gave birth to it or not I use the

awful term someone will say I what are you up to and I'll say I'm babysitting tonight and I mean my own child yeah yeah I do that yeah I feel that. So Ellie, what's the set-up? Sorry, what's the set-up just for our listeners in your house? Sure, I've got a 17-month-old little girl. Yeah, husband's like a salaried grown-up human. So he's having to work full-time from home. Is he a serious journalist? Yeah, he's a key worker.

He likes to bust that out. And I'm like, well, that's what they say. He's got a letter. How far does that go, the journalist key worker thing thing because of the people that are taking photos of Gemma Collins and Arj on the side by a shame on the mail online is that is that a key worker because they're technically journalists the country needs it the country does need it I need to know if Gemma Collins has got a KFC and gone around Arj's do you know what I mean I need to know that for me that is key is Is she walking, Ellie?

Is she running about? Yeah, she's walking. She doesn't really say much, though, and she's really tantrum-y. So we're at the stage, it's just ridiculous tantrums. Like today, she tantrumed because she wasn't allowed to play with a hammer. And then she gets, it's like, oh, she's furious.

It's a bit sexist of you, Ellie, I think. Young women are allowed to be builders now. If it was a pink one, I would have let her, but it was blue. And then she's like, and got really annoyed because I put on Teletubbies, her favourite show, and then she would have dare I put on her favourite show. Just loads of that. And then she like hits it. She keeps like beating up the sofa.

And it's really funny. I find it really hard not to laugh oh I do that I laugh when when my daughter's like losing her shit and obviously it's not funny to her you're just thinking you're being so petty this is funny yeah come on have some perspective on things mate it's hard to have that discussion what you're doing is funny. You're in a little vest and a pair of knickers running the house screaming. If anyone else did this, it would be hilarious.

Just three. Yeah. Also, did you know Teletubbies have got their own kids? I couldn't believe it. Tiddly Tubbies? Yeah. I thought I was on

some sort of mushroom trip when I saw tiny little Teletubbies. So the actual Teletubbies have been getting off of each other and breeding little Teletubbies. So the actual Teletubbies have been getting off of each other and breeding little Teletubbies. I didn't take it as that they were their children. I just thought it was like a breeding ground for little people.

Think about it, Ellie. Time for Tubby Bye-Bye. They're all fucking under that big mound of earth. Dirty, holey little red-bellied bastards. Is there any issues over lockdown with your daughter Ellie that's sort of hard to resolve, like bedtimes or what they're eating, or is there anything

in particular that's a struggle? Food is annoying. I'm finding it, because she used to go to nursery four days a week, and I feel the resentment is not going, the fact that I have to feed her three times a day. It seems excessive um and she's just it's when like tonight i made her i made her a proper nice dinner and she just refused it point blank and i'm just like what is the point i should just

i should not even try and just at the weekend i sort of gave up and she had a fish finger sandwich and a calippo and was delighted um so what what what time you're getting up early uh she's waking up she's doing the weird thing right but she wakes up really early but she just sits quietly in her cot like a psychopath so like it's really weird but also we're like but good well yeah never mind so we get like we go in at like seven but you know she could have been up for hours i don't know she just sits there playing with their dummies and she doesn't sleep they're all night waiting like the toy story toys her watch is never over seven's a good start time yeah i can cope i can cope with that uh and then she's uh she naps from like about 11 to about half 12, 1, which is my time to like do everything that I need to in the house and also try and get work done.

And also just to add some jeopardy into the equation, my next door neighbors but one have just started massive building work. And we live in like little London terraces. So it's like it's next door but one, but it feels like they're in your bathroom sort of thing. So just trying to like make sure she sleeps through angle grinders and very loud Polish power ballads. So it's, yeah, it's full on. It's full on at the moment. So your husband working from home or is he going out? Bits of both really.

So like a couple of weeks ago, he went to Sweden to report on what was going on over there because they had obviously had a different sort of attitude towards coronavirus they've let sort of people go well just let people out really a bit more um so he was away for a week then but in a way i kind of when he goes away sometimes in a way it's easier because it's just me and her i can knuckle down and when i say knuckle down i mean put cbbs on and not feel judged as much i was talking to some of my girlfriends about this i was like in a way yeah i prefer it when my husband's not around and they're like yeah because when they are in the house it's like it's like being observed at work like you don't need someone peeking over your shoulder so if you

can just you know sit on your phone in another room i found that with um with lou like when i'd rather have the kids on my own completely than sometimes sharing it because you start a little bit like well we don't do that that's how i do it like this and i'm like okay well i can't constantly second guess how you do everything you know when i do it it's martial law yeah they're in bed by the time you get home. So don't judge it. I'm a results man. Yeah? So don't ask about the technique. They'll be in bed and everything that will need to be done will have been done. Yeah. I reckon there's a good chance, Rob,

that there will be a period when you are doing it on your own. Oh, God. You're going to get your wish. Imagine that. What happens at the end of lockdown? Got divorced. Yeah, full divorce. Surely we could have done that at the beginning of lockdown we've suffered it for this long yeah we there are points now where i've because i've been doing so much more childcare than i normally do and definitely i'm doing the lion's share i've got really prescriptive about how things are done and i today i felt i went into my husband was like no you're reading uh bear hunt wrong when you do

swishy swashy grass you have to pretend to be Swishy Swashy Grass. And I was like talking him through the actions. Oh, no, you've got to do Squirch Squirch of the Mud, actually. You need to lift up her feet. Lift up her feet. And it's like, you've got to just, yeah, back off, mate. Yeah. Well, can I confess something here?

When I read them a book that's got, they pick a book before bed. If it's got too many words in, I'll make up the story. Yeah. A brief. Oh, I skip, yeah. Do like one or two so we all do that that's fine it's not i don't have to feel guilty yeah yeah straight through to the bad chasing them back simple a five minute book down to 28 seconds i'm really right sometimes i'll pinch three pages together and fold. Only got small amounts of time but want big amounts of flavor? Knorr has got you. Our new Knorr rice cups deliver all the taste without the prep or wait time.

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Conditions apply. So, Ellie, will your husband take over all the weekend then? As you've got the baby all week, will he sort of do the lion's share at weekends? Not really. Oh, OK. No. Oh, what? No, he does as much as he can through the week.

He really does. And if he can sort of do it half an hour either side of her nap time, that obviously gives me a longer block to go and look at Joe Wicks on Instagram and send him hate mail. So that does help. And at the weekend, I quite like just actually hanging out as a family, which is something we don't really do that often. So the other weekend when it was sunny we um we've

got a tiny little garden but we were just me and my husband were doing the garden and the baby was just playing around us and it was like it it kind of felt for like the first time we i felt like a proper mum and dad enough like you know like a family because that's what you do you get on with life and the kids just sort of potter around you and that was really lovely so i do i do quite like it's just more fun when you're all together. That's how I imagined parenting a lot more. Yeah, yeah. Like a lot of like, I'll be doing, getting stuff done while she's doing stuff. I remember when my friend who's since had a kid,

and he came round when I first had my daughter and she was in one of those baby bouncers. And he was like, so can you just like put her in there and then just get on with your work for the day? And I was like, are you fucking like put her in there and then just get on with your work for the day and i was like are you fucking kidding me the day the day just pop her in the baby bouncer for eight hours and clock on but that is kind of how i imagined it it'd be like oh she'll get on with stuff and i'll be watching her but i'll also be like getting through a lot of podcasts or something but it's not you're constantly alert but to quite a low level yeah

yeah i used to love it when um when i was breastfeeding i watched shit loads of tv because obviously she didn't know and then even when she got to the stage where she was sort of playing on the floor but wasn't really that interested in tv i would just often just have drag race on in the background all the time but now she has she i can't put the i can't put the telly on unless it's for her because she'll just get annoyed if i'm trying to watch anything that I like so that's kind of thing that really it really is like you have to just sort of be that's tough as well because it's only you can do that with the breastfeeding obviously so like I do find sometimes splitting like what each parent does with the kid sometimes it has to be the mum like in certain situations how did you get on with that

because Lou found that quite difficult with the breastfeeding and stuff. Did you enjoy it or was it hard? Or what was your experience of that? For me, it was pretty easy at the beginning and it all came quite naturally and I was really chuffed. But then I got mastitis a couple of times, which was like absolute hell. Yeah, gross like that.

That was brutal. Oh my God. I don't understand what the fuck nature is doing. So the first time I had it, she was... She's seven weeks old, recovering from a caesarean still. Like, you're obviously at the lowest ebb you can possibly imagine. And then nature decides to infect one of your tits. Sorry to laugh but it was i mean it was it there were

always dark moments of humor in these situations and i remember like i've never been in so much pain and i was like hallucinating with this fever and we got a we got a breastfeeding coach to come around and try and sort of work out why i'd got my cytos and try and help the latch and she was this strange russian lady and to try and sort of help me work out the latch, she got, she pulled out of her bag, I'm crying on the sofa in the most pain I've ever been in my life. She pulls out an Elmo hand puppet. And starts to sort of demonstrate the perfect latch with the Elmo puppet.

On to you. On my infected teeth. Oh, God. Oh, my word. At the time, I was... Are you sure this was... Oh, the days of pre-corona. Had it been disinfected?

How many breasts has this Elmo been on? A way Lineker of our puppets is. How did you feel in that moment, Ellie, that you're just sat there? Because, well, I was, you know, very, I was very vulnerable at that moment. So I was like, hello, can you tell me what to do? Elmo, help me. And it was only reflecting back on it that I was like, what the fuck?

I can't settle it. That Elmo's got some stories to tell, hasn't it? Bloody hell. Can I throw some other options at you of what you would be accepting? Because you accepted Elmo as sort of a cartoon figure. If she just whipped out of an Triloquist doll, how would you feel? Because there must be a level of the cuddly toy you'd accept to do that. You're not going, hold up.

No, no, no, no, no. This is one step too far. If it had kind eyes, I'd let anything have a go at that point, I think. Fair enough. You're very vulnerable. And did it work? Well, it got better and I don't know. I'd let anything have a go at that point, I think. Fair enough. You were very vulnerable. And did it work? Well, I got better and I don't know.

And then I got mastitis again and it was just sort of a pile of shit. I don't understand. You brought Oscar the Grouch around that time. Big bird. I had a go on the other one. That gold cookie monster stayed at home. Yeah. Yeah, so it was like, I like miss it though when i stopped breastfeeding i did miss it but then i i got really quite i remember getting quite emotional like it's the

end of our journey together i'm just gonna feed her one last time and then she started biting me and i was like oh do you know what i think we're done and it was less uh yeah it was less it was less sad to let it go but i didn't yeah i do still kind of miss it in a way although when i hear about some of my friends who are still doing it and their kids are 18 months old and like they're not sleeping through the night and stuff i'm like yeah i'm fine i'm far more bottles now thank you yeah yeah that is tough there's so much pressure especially if they're starting to bite just tap out that's when lou did especially in my offspring you can't have them nibbling away when those teeth come through rob it must just be so telling that they're coming through.

I know, it comes out in that one. The teething must have been agony. I know. Poor toes. They're getting through it. Did you imagine you'd, because there was a lot of this kind of, I'm going to achieve stuff with my lockdown

and it's going to be this moment of tranquility. Did you know what you were signing up for, Ellie? Or is it kind of, then you were like, oh, right, this is what it is I feel like um it's my it's sort of shifted in my brain a bit so at the beginning I think the first week my husband wasn't too busy with work so we split the days so I was so one of us would do up until her beginning of nap or one of us would do from nap onwards and it was lovely and I was like brilliant this is how you know I can get loads of stuff done and then his work kicked in and I he was like yeah this won't he won't be like this forever and then then I started getting really resentful of people who didn't have children and

uh all the things about you know learning new languages and taking time to do yoga and that all of that shit um and I really had to let it go and then I sort of I felt then I would sort of lean into the fact that for the moment this is my job this is what I have to do I just had to let it go and then I sort of I felt then I would sort of lean into the fact that for the moment this is my job this is what I have to do I just have to look after the baby and then I'd have one of my friends Brona C Titley who's a comedy writer she's brilliant she I was saying to her like I just want to write and I feel like all these other like comics and writers are going to come out who don't have children are going to come out of this with so much stuff and so much material and I feel I'm behind I'm losing out and she was like Ellie it's uh this is a global pandemic it's not a writer's retreat and

I was like that's a great line so I do try and think about and I do feel much more chilled out now I'm not even you know I'm not putting myself under pressure to to do any work really like I can get through my admin but that's about it any actually creative stuff is really unlikely to happen because i just i just don't have the time i just don't have the time to do it and it is what it is there's no point resenting it or you know railing against it you just gotta just try and chill and just i am drinking more i would say yeah no one's no one is going to come out of lockdown better. You'll be the same or worse. That's the only two options. Just work hard to keep it level. No one's getting rich.

You're either fatter or the same. That's all that's going to happen. Just take the pressure off. Thank you, Rob. Yes, exactly. Ellie, I ask all our guests this. If you had the house completely to yourself for the whole day and your husband and your daughter

could be magicked away right so there's no way you should be and there's no work to do what would you do if you're full day on your own uh i would sleep i would uh eat sort of just things out of jars in the kitchen um just a teaspoon going between nutella and peanut butter, that sort of thing. Yeah. I would watch some, I'd probably watch Normal People because I haven't caught up on that yet. Oh yeah, everyone's going on about that and I just feel bad.

That feels like something I haven't achieved as well. Exactly. So I need to tick that off the list. And then I'd probably, I'd probably end up doing like some tidying and organising because it will make me feel better while listening to a very fruity podcast

maybe this one guys that's what I'd do fruity one do they do fruity ones do they do fruity podcasts they do all sorts of podcasts they can't do porno podcasts can they

no you can get slightly blue ones I make it I've never I've never listened to a fruity podcast well Mike I listen to Bloody Woman's Hour I think

if there was a fruity podcast I think my Mike, I listen to Bloody Woman's Hour. I think if there was a fruity podcast, I think my reaction to it would be just sort of listening and then, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, hello. It's going there, is it?

So, Ellie, your day of being alone in your house, it'd be a fruity podcast and a bit of tidying and spooning in Nutella. Yes, but that makes it sound really dodgy. It sounds like you need help, like an intervention. If you wrote that down, someone would go round to look after you, going, oh, have you heard about Ellie? She's just spooning stuff in from jars, listening to porn.

It's the kind of... That sounds brilliant. You know that in this scenario, they've just gone away for a day. It isn't what would you do if your husband had run away with your child and you're you know that in this scenario they've just gone away for a day it isn't what would you do if your husband had run away with your child and you're trying to complete yourself yeah do you know it reminds me of i i put a thing on my instagram uh stories about uh what i did some stupid confessions about lockdown and the people put it sent in their confessions and one of them was brilliant it was from it was from a girl and she said, I wish my husband would fuck off so I could use my vibrator, which I really enjoyed.

Well, that's probably the problem people have got is that they're on top of their partner. Not literally, but like they're living in the pocket of their partner. That sounds even worse, Josh. Are you trying to step into a fruity podcast? This has turned into the fruity podcast that everyone wants to hear. No one thought Josh Whitaker would be the voice of the first Pornhub podcast. No, I don't think my voice is...

I'm not going to get a job reading Mills and Boone, am I? And that is my level of fruity, is the thought of a Mills and Boone. Are you looking forward to the end of lockdown, Ellie? Or are you loving it now in a weird way? Have you adapted? There are certain elements that I really enjoy. I do feel a bit institutionalised with it. Like I'm used to all of us being in the house together.

I'm used to being able to have dinner together every night. I love not having to be anywhere at any point. There's no rushing to get anywhere. There's no late nights, which means I'm not as tired as usual. So that kind of stuff but I will look I can't wait to put her into nursery and not have to cook her food that she would just throw on the floor that's what I really can't wait for that I didn't realize that that when the two days that my daughter goes to nursery are a total relief from the cooking for her. Because we've run out of ideas.

You know, like when the main ones that work are no longer working and you're like, I'm not going to go out on a limb to be rejected again. Do you know what I mean? I think my daughter's now bored of food. How has that happened? She's two and a half. She's done all the food she wants to do. She's over. she's over with food

and i mean it just leads to so many boring conversations like i was so delighted the other day because someone reminded me about jacket potatoes and i was like oh my god she can have a jacket potato she's got a week that she's got ahead of her and she doesn't even know i've run out of chat no chat that's it with someone talking about calling them the cob and they're like if you give one to in a restaurant they'll like they'll sit with it for ages and be quiet i was like oh my god what a great idea um so rob you always end with a with the same question don't you yes has there been a like highlighter and a low light of your time in lockdown,

something that's made you think, oh, this is lovely, and then a point where your daughter or husband has made you think, this cannot go on? Highlight would probably be she's learnt one of the dances in the night garden. She knows all of how to do the tombly boo's little song and all the actions and that's a real little treat yeah tombly boo sit on the floor knock on the door where is your nose uh that's how it goes and she does a lovely little french french man shrug at

the end um and that is just wow that's a real achievement. It's just really cute. So that was lovely. Oh, yeah, I wasn't being sarcastic. I sounded like I was being sarcastic then. Yeah, well done. That sounds great. And that's your highlight. Seriously, mate.

I can help strap him for the low light. I did mean it seriously. I believe you, Josh. I believe you, Josh. I believe you. It sounds very cute, Ellie. We're on your side. Thank you. And also, I found a really good place near where I live. Josh, it's actually near where you live as well.

Oh, yeah. We live quite close. They deliver the most amazing margaritas drinks, I'll tell you about that. Oh, wow. That's a highlight. Where do you live? Primozella?

What's the delivery bar for readers? Why are they letting you near me? So, Ellie, what was your low light? My low light would probably be there was a day where she, on our daily exercise, she fell over in the park into dog shit and I didn't have any wipes. So I had to come home and try and not make a big deal out of the fact that she had dog shit all over her clothes so she wouldn't touch it.

So I got her home. And then while I was sort of hosing off dog shit in the garden, she got into a cupboard and I found her eating a stock cube. Oh, my God. Psychopath. I told you, she's a psychopath. That is horrible. Wow.

And then I went to bed and had a lovely cuddle with Elmo, and it was all fine. I'm never going to be able to look at Elmo the same ever again. I know where you've been, Elmo. If we have got any listeners who've also had any encounters with Elmo, you know how to get in touch. But Ellie Taylor, thank you so much. It's been an absolute pleasure to talk to you.

No worries. Thank you so much. Thank you, Ellie. It's brilliant. Cheers. Oh, Ellie Taylor. I love Ellie Taylor, Josh. She's great.

Brilliant. I ordered, I should say after that, that I did take Ellie's advice and ordered a bag of this margarita. And it comes in like a kind kind of a bladder kind of you know like yeah well that's probably the wrong word but it's got a little tap on it you know like a bag of wine that kind of thing um and it's pre-mixed and it is so punchy and yesterday well last saturday night i fell asleep during a zoom quiz because i drunk too much margarita yesterday parenting on a hangover on a Sunday in lockdown I think is the hell to end all hell so I know we've discussed this before

but that margarita oh my god the feeling I had when my daughter went to sleep last night knowing that I was no longer parenting you know when you've been kicked in the balls and then the pain goes away how How good that feels. It was like that. That feeling of elation. That feeling that, oh my God, I'm free from this tyranny, which is self-imposed from the hangover. Like the first slice of toast after food poisoning.

Oh, keep it down. The first sip of Lucozade and you know it's going to stay in you. Oh, yes. I would say, i don't want to be that parent josh but two is so much worse having two kids and there'll be people listening going three are even worse in that you know obviously we all choose how many we have but like you just i just can't be hung over you can't even risk it it's horrendous no but this is the thing i didn't realize how much i was hungover before I had children. Yeah. Because imagine if you didn't have children

and you went out on the piss and then you just decided to get up at 7am. Yeah, and try to survive the day on your own. Never mind with someone. I'm just going to survive the day. I'm just going to get up at 7am. I'm not going to go to work. Yeah.

I'm just going to get up at 7am and fill the day. It would be absolute madness oh it's awful it's so awful but at least you had a nice night yeah very nice evening um did you did your wife have um breastfeeding problems yeah like especially um with the first one and the we didn't get very good support really and it was it was quite difficult for Lou some like sort of the nurses are great but sometimes they're quite it's quite a authoritative strong semi-aggressive message about breastfeeding which if someone's struggling with it I don't think is always the best no way to do it so that we found

that quite difficult um obviously she found it more difficult than I did. She was the one doing it. But as a family, it was hard for us. And you're under so much pressure to make sure you're doing all the right stuff. So that is quite a problem. It does feel, because at the start, it feels like you're one wrong thing away from your child

never growing. Do you know what I mean? It's quite weird. Exactly. And then all of a sudden, Elmo gets whipped out and starts having a problem with your wife's breasts. And you can see that he's never grown he's been the same size since i was a child um i think for the the dad in the in those early stages i found because you feel a bit like you're a spare part in a weird way because you obviously can't do any of that yeah

and your job i found is basically just to do everything else so that the house is like, so there's always food, there's always water, there's always the house, there's always just, like, not a shit tip. And that's kind of as much as you can do in that situation, if that makes sense. I tell you what's quite degrading, though, is when you're a bit overweight and you've got man boobs

and your daughter tries to latch on to you in front of your wife it's not great for morale both ends um we should say to ellie's got a great podcast ellie and anna have issues which you can listen to where i think she speaks about quite similar stuff so if you enjoyed that you'll enjoy her podcast but yeah ellie taylor she's on the mash report as well if you want to see her do some more stuff and does her own tours although let's be honest when's the next time any as well, if you want to see her do some more stuff and touring. And does her own tours. Although, let's be honest, when's the next time any of us are going to get to go on stage? We will see. Now, if you want to get in touch, this is how.

Email us, hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter, at Lockdown Parents. Please remember to review the podcast and subscribe to it and tell your mates about it. Send a text or whatever. Nothing beats word of mouth, does it, Josh Riddickham? No, apart from going on Lorraine. Oh yeah, that went well. She liked that, didn't she?

That did go well. She insinuated, you can find it on my Twitter, she insinuated on national TV that I had a two metre long dick. And I agreed with her. And that was on telly at 9am. I couldn't believe that happened. But I would actually say,

and we're not going to get into this because it's not that kind of broadcast, but I think that would be problematic actually rather than advantageous. Yes, I think on the short term of, you know, a few media commitments and PR level, there will be an interest. You could get a slot on this morning,

but from a healthy long-term relationship issue, a two-meter knob won't be helpful. However, it would be great for you to set up your own fruity podcast about it. I think there may be a market for that. Just a guy trying to self-isolate, go to the shop, needing to be four meters away from people

just in case he gets a boner. What a life. This isn't what this podcast is meant to be. But there we go. I just want Lou to leave the house so I can use my vibrator like everyone else. That's all I want. Right, Josh, love your lever. We've got another episode next week.

Bye. Bye.