Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP70: The Christmas Day Special

Episode Date: December 25, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S01 EP70: The Christmas Day Special Seasons greetings listeners! We're here for (potentially) the last time in 2020 before returning again in early 2021 after a short break. (In the words of Widdicombe, I'm not gonna lie we might also throw in the odd bonus episode between now and then as well) We'd like to say thank you to everyone who listened and supported the show this year - it's been amazing to be part of this parenting community and we've loved making the show and hearing from you all. We're so proud and honoured to announce we have reached 10 MILLION DOWNLOADS!!!!And to say thank you and help those in need after what has been a tough year for so many, we've started a Just Giving page for the Trussell Trust which you can find here;https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/lockdownparentingWe've kicked things off with a donation and if anybody is in a position to help this fantastic cause then please do. No pressure. But they do great work for a brilliant cause so if you can spare even a little please do. https://www.trusselltrust.orgThanks and see you soon.Josh, Rob (and producer Michael) xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Rob. Yes, Merry Christmas. Oh, Merry Christmas, Josh. You know what? What a year. What a year.

Now, this was pre-recorded on the 21st. So if they've dropped all the restrictions for Christmas, it's going to be a very strange podcast. But I'm guessing Christmas is as expected. Yes, it's going to be either no food or too much food. I think that's the strange podcast. Yeah. But I'm guessing Christmas is as expected. Yes, it's going to be either no food or too much food. I think that's the only option.

Exactly, exactly. Can I let you know about what starter I've got for Christmas Day dinner? Oh, OK. So I've bought seafood platters on an order

that I put in way before all this happened. Just so you know, Rob, Jelly Deals is not a seafood platter. Well, I've got some prawns and nice little salmony bits for seafood starter and i've got it for eight so i'll be um eating that um because those eight people aren't allowed around and lou doesn't eat seafood or the children

so i've got a seafood platter for eight to get through over christmas yeah that'd be we've got a turkey for six i I don't eat turkey. My daughter will hardly touch it. Now, the number in our house is dependent on something, Rob. Oh, go on, talk to me. So what's happening? Because Rose's mum is in a support bubble with us. Yeah.

But I have got a cough, Rob. Oh, so you've got symptoms. How coughy is it? So yesterday, I've got symptoms, Sunday morning. What, just a cough or a temperature? Not a temperature. To be honest, I've got a sore throat rather than a cough. You can hear I've got a sore throat. Yes.

Anyway, Rose hasn't been feeling very well. And then my daughter also needed some Calpol, and we were like, right. Oh, dear. So then, went on the NHS website, Rob. Yep. The nearest test was Ramsgate, 75 miles away. were like right oh dear so then went on the nhs website rob yep the uh nearest uh test was around ramsgate 75 miles away

and it's quite quiet on the roads around dover isn't it exactly so then um went and looked to see if i could get any um private one yeah no not on a sunday okay i went back all the ramsgate one are gone oh no oh no so booked in a private one for Monday, which is when we're recording this. Went back on later. Yeah. Some were available six miles away. Oh.

In the time it took me to fill in my name and details. Yeah. The appointments are gone. Oh no, God. It's like, they are like Buzz Lightyear's, that year that that was the Christmas present.

It's like a COVID test and a ps5 okay right so what's the situation because it was all three of us i knew they were going to go and i was filling in all three details i was thinking do i just do i just not get rosa test because she's the least likely to have it because she has symptoms aren't as bad um but i got all three of us in the end i managed to get us a test 25 miles away in Tilbury. I learned the fucking hills Tilbury. I'll tell you where it is, Rob. I'll give you an idea.

It was in the car park of a ferry port. Oh, God. It reminded me of living in London. I was on the coast. You're driven to the sea. You're driven to the sea. I'm driven to the sea. I'm not in a lovely Christmas trip. Why?

Oh my God. Do you know what? That is a good, we've worked this out. This is what we could do with the kids when they get tired and angry because they will not nap. We just get a drive for an hour until they fall asleep and they drive back.

Well, she fell asleep on the way there. Yeah. She fell asleep. It's the only way to get a nap out of them and then you get a break because you're all sat down yeah exactly so that's a good tip it's a good tip and i genuinely i said this to rose on the way back in a way this is a christmas we will never forget this is like we're making memory and i thought yesterday i thought i'm never to forget this journey for the rest of my life. This is like one of my big Christmas memories. The time I drove to a port on Sunday before Christmas

to get three of us tested for COVID. It should be a lockdown Peridot Hill pilgrimage to the Tilbury Ferry Port. At some point, you have to drive there and listen to an episode out of respect to the week you had, Josh. Just the respect to the podcast. So we get in the car. Yeah. We drive there.

My daughter falls asleep. While she's asleep, it's only a 40-minute journey. But it's a long one. While my daughter's asleep, we convince ourselves that we haven't got it. It's fine. But you know when you're trying to talk yourself back into it yeah yeah and then because we've just come out of a 10 day lockdown four days ago and now you're in two four lockdown with symptoms so also we were discussing like one of the better options would be all three of us have it because then it's seven days the worst

thing yeah is if one of us has it and the other two don't the one that has it has only got to do seven days and the other two have got to do 10 days oh it's almost like you're willing your child to have it at this stage well she'd be the worst one to have it because obviously then she'd be able to go out for three days and we wouldn't so the ideal scenario rob is that i've got it well the ideal scenario is neither of them none of us got it yeah that'd be the ideal yeah yeah looking back actually you're right the best scenario is no one's, none of us got it. That would be the ideal scenario. Yeah, looking back, actually, you're right. The best scenario is no one's got COVID. But we don't live in an ideal world.

I think we've come to that conclusion. This year's proved that. So we spent 20 minutes. We've more or less talked our way into us not having COVID. We're like, we'll get the test, but it's going to be good news. And then my daughter wakes up and the first thing she says is daddy i can't stop coughing oh god and i thought we're in trouble here mate now i don't know at the time of recording we might get the results today or tomorrow i don't know whether we've got them

okay i should also add before we carry on i'd love a text on air a live text message i'd love we've got three texts as well. So they're three separate texts. So it's like, it's unbelievable really that you're playing the gamble. That text is going to be so tense to open, isn't it? It's going to be like getting your A-levels or something. But anyway, I'm also sat here knowing

that this private test guy is going to come round because I tried to phone up to cancel him. Oh, right. And I was 47th in the queue on the phone call. And I was like, fuck this. private test guy is going to come round because i tried to phone up to cancel him all right and i was 47th in the queue on the phone call and i was like fuck this i'll just tell him that i've got a test when he turns up yeah fair i mean at this stage it's just a write-off isn't it i mean i've got vouchers for different airlines and ferry crossings coming up my ass at the moment i've got to use at some point i mean that won't be what ruined christmas anyway so we get there

you have to go in have you done have you been to Tilbury Ferryport COVID testing centre? No, what's it like? It's like something from 28 Days Later, but in a way that's quite reassuring. Do you know what I mean? Where you're like... My mate went for a test with his husband, and they went in there and they had to do the stroke

at the back of the throat, and then his husband did it, and it came out and it was all, like, he was like oh my god what is wrong with him how bad is it like that and his husband just went to him i think that's the oreo i had smashing oreos in the queue for a covid test but it's quite reassuring that it's kind of military precision the way it's done you know what i mean mean? So you pull up, they give you your three tests, and then you have to go and park up. You have to go and reverse. They were like, can you go and reverse park over there?

I was like, come on, mate. I can't reverse park at the best of times. I've got, I might have COVID. Give me a chance. I've got COVID. And then you have to all sit in the car, do the tests yourself, obviously, and then you have to put on your hazard lights okay yeah

obviously i don't know where my hazard light button is rob i love the way for you the covid testing the most stressful bit is the reverse park and the hazard of course of course i was bleeding hugely out of my depth with the hazard light anyway so uh we do it uh do you know what the kids only have to do the nose. You have to do the mouth and the nose. You must have done one for like... Yeah, I've done them, yeah. I find the nose worse than the mouth.

I'm bad with the mouth because I'm... Yeah, as you know, Rob, I've got quite a bad gag reflex. That sounds like a strange evening we've had. Keep it quiet. But it was fine. Got it done.

She didn't have as bad a time with it as i thought she was actually all right with it which then makes you go did we shove it up the nose far enough but it's too late by that point shouldn't she be in more pain anyway then luckily the guys next to us put on their hazards uh so i used that opportunity to just wave at the guy in front of us oh so you you still don't know where your hazards are but you just jumped at the guy in front of us. Oh, so you still don't know where your hazards are, but you just jumped off the back of someone else's head. Yeah, exactly. I used the hazards as a way to...

And then gave him the test, and then he walked away, and then he stopped as I was pulling away, and he came back. He's like, can you wind down your window? I was like, oh, God. And he went, are you Josh Whitaker? I was like, yeah.

And he's like, oh, right, cool. And then that was it. And I was like, I genuinely thought I was cool and then that was it and i was like i genuinely thought i was going to get in serious trouble or something i'd done something wrong i actually did ask him how to turn my hazard lights on which so i now know how on earth does he know more about your car than you do well what it's his little logo do you know it's the big red button in the middle of the dashboard yeah the main the main one what did you think that was an ejector seat oh the funny thing is you're not doing that for effect i know how little you care about cars or

know about cars to the point where you just you almost get in whenever you get in your car you sort of just sigh like oh i've got to do this again am i so anyway that's the situation we're in rob but i'll be honest with you i don't need to be locked down until basically new year that would be a heartbreaker yeah that would be i mean but also there is literally nothing to do apart from the going out for a nice walk and exercise makes a difference but the parks are so wet also the parks are so busy that the mud is outrageous it's like is your how's your local park? Is that muddy? Don't know, Rob. Oh, yeah. You've not been there for ages.

Don't know, Rob. I was locked down for 10 days. Then my daughter went to nursery for three days. And now I'm locked down again. So I literally haven't had the opportunity to go to the park since basically, do you remember the announcement that Christmas wasn't cancelled? Yeah. That was about a week after the last time I went to the park. That's how long ago the park was.

There's too much gone on there. I'm going to say it, Rob, while I'm feeling festive. Oh, yeah. It's the most Christmas special special ever, isn't it? Well, I wouldn't complain, but is there such a thing as too much Magic FM? Can I say something here? I liked Magic Christmas, the station. I also wanted Magic on its own i i feel like you you need magic

and magic christmas there's too much magic christmas do you know i mean i need a normal non-christmassy magic level of song it's too much i told i told rose this would happen but when she put on magic christmas from about november the 25th oh man yeah do you know obviously there's a lot of people we should think about at this tough time. But I think top of it should be the DJs on Magic Christmas. Imagine. Oh, Ronan Keating just sat there doing... I think they're only allowed to talk about Christmas from November. And they're only allowed to play Christmas songs.

This must be some kind of living nightmare. It's like they've been taken hostage by St. Iccow. It's just unbelievable. It's some sort of terror self. They must just close their eyes at night and just hear Chris Rears driving home for Christmas. Oh, God. Man alive.

Josh, any other news from your week or your Christmas? I've got lots of news. So we should talk about bikes, Rob. Also, it's quite hard to talk about what you do for Christmas when literally every half hour what you can do changes. Because the plan would be now to go, oh, so what are you doing, Josh? And you tell me about your day. But the thing is, we don't even know actually what our day is anymore because I'm saying I'm saying I've got all this seafood

platter but it may not turn up the pool's shut I might not have any food do you know what Rob I don't want to don't want to worry you but they seem to be sharing out in Tilbury Port when I was there yesterday they had a they had a seafood platter that they said they'd uh got off the back of a lorry coming in from France um so we had this discussion earlier this week, Rob, about bikes. So we've got my daughter a bike. Nice. And we bought one with pedals and one with stabilizers. We bought her a unicycle, which I thought was a gamble, but you know.

What have you got her? Like a bike with stabilizers, like a bike with stabilizers a pink bike with stabilizers a classic child's bike the balance bikes the the so i didn't know about balance bikes until about three months ago when i saw a kid on it yeah and i just presumed his dad had put the bike together wrong well they're little ones with no stabilizers but the kids feet touch the floor and they've got no pedals no pedals and it sort of just uh it gets them used to being on a bike right my my daughters hated them and never went on it and just was like what is this and then we ended up getting them the stabilizer pedal bike but i've noticed the only people that are good at balance bikes

are like when i'm doing the school drop-off are lunatic kids that like if you just gave them a wheel they'd jump on it and see what happened yeah they're insane they're apparently they make you learn a bike in half the time but so so when I found out that that statistic uh someone texted me and said you should get a balance bike I suddenly went into an absolute spiral yeah and thought oh god should I bought a balance bike so i spoke to you about it and you said your daughters hated them and i think i know that my daughter she wouldn't the moment it was like difficult she'd just be like this is rubbish well so they're saying oh they could learn to ride a bike in half the time what's the rush exactly what kid is like it's not like they've got a job riding a bike somewhere like i mean that post she's good she's going to become a paper boy next year exactly so we're like okay in half the time

okay so what did it normally take what like a month i'd say you'd learn in two weeks this is the thing with it and so um we've stuck with the one with pedals i've got i've got to build it on christmas eve actually but i'm pretty confident rob because i know other people are going through worse building operations on christmas eve don't don't talk to me about the trampoline mate so where do you stand with it can i can i let you into a secret right sometimes because this show's done it's done pretty well we're gonna talk about this later on as well it's done quite well with downloads and stuff sometimes you get people from companies that go hey we can offer you this if you give us a shout out whatever or we heard you talking about this

have this so oh we got an email from like a it us a shout out or whatever, or we heard you talking about this, have this. So we got an email from like a, it's called like TaskRabbit or something. It's like they send handyman. You can book a handyman basically and said like, hey, we heard you talk about trampoline. We do their PR. We can help sort it out. And I was like, no, I don't want to do that.

I want to do it properly. And, you know, I don't want to cheat it. And I've spoken about the podcast and I want it to be the thing I do for my kids Christmas Eve. Yeah. Anyway, cue to the Tier 4 announcements. I've dug that email out of like searching on my inbox, right? Emailed the woman saying,

hello, please can you help me? This would be really helpful, thanks. Really gutless because I don't normally get involved in all that but I panicked, right? Email back out of the office till the 4th of January and I screamed fuck in the air.

Really loud. There's nothing worse than giving in, there and giving up and admitting defeat but then not actually being able to benefit that no of course of course um so where are you with it what will you have done last night as we uh as people prepare their roasts it's Christmas day okay at the moment right we're recording this on the Monday the plan is I've ordered some ratchets I was told i need ratchets i've got some gloves they're not really workman gloves but i don't really know what they are but they're like sort of roadman gloves night ones a little like thingy bits i've got some gloves i've got a ratchet i'm on my own i'm gonna try it and build it a couple of days before christmas i've got a little side alley down my house right yeah yeah

i'm gonna try and build it there and then bring it out christmas eve to put the legs on right bring it out christmas eve to put the legs on all right okay yeah right so yeah yeah yeah and the legs are probably the easy bit right the bit that's difficult is that is the kind of the springy bit yeah and it's only an eight footer so it's a lot smaller but this and this is i've actually had some great info and feedback there's a lot smaller, but this, and this is, I've actually had some great info and feedback. There's a lot of naysayers, but there's a lot of people that say you can do it in a couple of hours. The key I think is a ratchet to help with the springs.

I've got that. Gloves so your fingers don't get hurt. I've got that. And the other key thing is you attach the springy bit at 12 o'clock, three o'clock, six o'clock, nine o'clock, rather than going round 12, 1, 2, 3. That's going to take longer than two hours, Rob. Just a bit of fun.

Just a bit of fun. I think 12 are our last checks. But basically, if you go round doing it all in order, then it gets too tight at the end. So you need to just sort of do the top and the sides and the bottom and then do the edges. This is the confidence of someone who's read a lot about it do you know when i've seen this confidence before when i thought all i need to do

when i have a baby is stroke their nose so it's monday night i'm gonna pick it it's currently in the garage of the in-laws i'm going to pick it up and have a look at it this afternoon and work it out and i'm going to attempt to build it one day this week because i've got loads of time now though because all my plans have stopped i was supposed to be having people have a christmas eve that aren't that isn't happening and so there's plenty of time plenty of time that is one thing we've got this week is plenty of time yes um i should tell you about uh i did a reading at a charity carol service, Rob. Oh, you're such a great guy, aren't you? Well, I wouldn't, that's not the reason I tell you.

I think it was a disappointing return to live performance from me, Rob. Oh, why? I got absolutely blown off stage by all the other readers. Who else was reading? I'm not going to lie, Rob. It was stiff neck central mate it was like an osteopath waiting room rob you wouldn't have believed it go on so it was a charity and what do you do there so everyone was doing a reading and then

there's carols it was it's a for a brain tumor charity um was this virtually or was it no no it was in a socially distanced because churches obviously are still places of worship so it was like a socially distanced and it was also being um broadcast live on all right whatever okay so who was there so proper actors that have got obe at the end of their name people like penelope wilton rob so the mum she's in Shaun of the Dead. Can I just say something? Okay, there's nothing wrong with being a stiff neck.

Okay? I've got friends of mine are stiff necks. It's just the way you're built. You can't change it. So I'm not... I think most of your friends are stiff necks, Rob. I think that's the... Yeah, that's the thing.

It's not derogatory, a stiff neck, but it's just a good way of explaining the kind of person a stiff neck is. Do you know what I mean? I speak, I am a stiff neck myself. I'm the reason way of explaining the kind of person who a stiff neck is do you know what i mean i speak i am a stiff neck myself i'm the reason for the name yeah you i'd say you dabble you could you're not full stiff neck and you're not full sort of loose neck who do you know that isn't a stiff neck in comedy apart from yourself who isn't a stiff neck in comedy paddy mcginnis is the least stiff neck person he's king of the loosest oh mate he can barely keep his head vertical king of the loose necks Paddy right and he's great at it and stuff like

that so how loose is your neck Rob do you know what it's loose it's loosey-goosey but if it is on a two to three out of ten one being loose ten being stiff yeah I'm on i'm two three paddy zero right and then no no king of this is a proper stint stewart lee's quite stiff neck he's 10 on the stiff necks because he's just everything's planned and prepped and it's you know the opposite of an owl isn't he yes exactly he don't know what's going on but he knows what's happening straight ahead because he's planned it and he's delivering it and he doesn't move to the side because that's not what he planned and it's good what he does there's a market for it but it's stiff okay so there's nothing wrong with a stiff neck it's just on the scale of performance so this was a stiff neck

central lots of lots of actors lots of actors actors a lot of actors are stiff necks because they have to be because you have to know the script accountant is a stiff neck but that's what you want from an accountant do you know what i mean you need stiff you need it's all about numbers all about precision you don't pay the mcginnis in your accounts do you i've always said that i love it it was a bad year that was a that was a mistake it was it was a mistake and you know sure i didn't earn much but i just thought he could do it but you know he had a lot on he was doing phoenix nights it was too much for him exactly uh anyway it was smart casual. I wore trainers, which I was the only person wearing trainers, Rob. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. See, that's quite a stiff-necked thing. I bet there was a few blazers, weren't there, and chinos. Right. So then, so I did my reading, which was, I'm going to say, I counted up the words, 23 words. Okay. Everyone else's was like two pages long.

Mine was 23 words. I had to go slow just to kind of make it last. That's the thing with actors sometimes. I don't know if you're just talking, but when they do do something, they do do it. Whoa, man, that was a reading. It's stiff that it's reading

the shit out of that paper. I couldn't believe how well they were reading these words. I can't believe someone could say a word that way. It was just like, it was such a roller coaster so they were all smashing these words right yeah and i was like bloody hell i just read out 23 words in a kind of monotone and then went and sat back down in my bloody trainers right

so they were all amazing and obviously it's in a church right so it's all in your head because obviously there's not a reaction reaction. And then Jason Leonard was one of the readers, the most capped England rugby player of all time, apparently, according to the blurb, right? Well, I doubt that

because I'm just having to Google him. Oh, he's old though. He's an old, before my time, most capped player. He was in the World Cup winning team in 2003.

Was he? He looks about 100. He's 52. Say that to his face, Rob. Well, I can't actually. I could do it from two meters away on a walk but I was like Jason Leonard's gonna bloody uh joke at last someone

who's not a bloody stiff neck all right so you've got something like you know that you'd be your level kind of delivery style yeah do you know what he did I've never seen it before he got he got an applause break in a church go on on, Leonard. He absolutely smashed it. What did he do? He did like a funny reading and it got an applause break. Oh, you got jealous of Leonard. I got absolutely destroyed

by Jason Leonard, mate. Do you know what? The rugby public speakers, they were gigging with Martin Johnson, right? No, I haven't gigged with Martin. I think he played Hagrid in the stunt double for Hagrid in Harry Potter. But Martin Johnson, massive, about six foot eight, six foot nine.

I followed him at a corporate once. He absolutely ripped it. It was mainly about the size of dicks in changing rooms, but that is funny. And he absolutely smashed it. And I went on and died on my ass talking about Peter, Brennan, Couscous. Do you know what?

I've had that, mate. I once got absolutely blown off the stage at a corporate because I couldn't follow William Hague. He left nothing in the room. He'd absolutely destroyed it.

It was like Peter Kay in the early days. It was too good. Too good. Too good. Too good. You can't expect me to follow William Hague. What did he do what did haig do so he just told like anecdotes all right obviously he's a public speaker yeah i mean it was a kind of you know bit of my comeuppance for the four years that we all

laughed at him for being a terrible public speaker etc um and then he he can rip a corporate mate when it's full of old men in suits so so what did it did it make you feel a bit like you missed doing stand-up or you couldn't do it or what or how did this reading make you feel then how does it make me feel um i was relieved it was short do you know what it was nice it was lovely evening because obviously it was very festive there was lots of good carols and stuff like that yeah but rob if i go back next year i'm gonna put in two months of prep oh yeah but also as well it's one of them things it's just like getting the rust off and you only had 23 words you couldn't relax into it once comedy clubs open and we can do all the previews you'll be flying again people are going to be like why is josh going to all these clubs to try out a reading

that's a really weird decision well the thing is thing is, I've been thinking about this because my tour's coming back next year. It's been a massive break and things like that from here. And obviously, when you first start doing it, you're a bit rusty and you've forgotten a few little bits of the show. And then once you go and do the comedy circuit and you do a couple of work in progress, there's previews to get back into the swing of it before the tour show start. Before you know it, it's up right on the bike. You just remember what to do. But what you lose in the sort of like knowing the show as you would in the middle of a tour you gain from we are going to be so excited to get that buzz again and i just think live

entertainment and music gigs and and comedy shows are going to be so good because the sometimes as a performer when you're so busy it does turn into your nine to five. I'll go here for a show. I'll go there for a show. And you enjoy it and you do a good show. But sometimes you cannot enjoy it properly and be in the moment. But I think when the shows come back, everyone's going to be so up for it that the performers are just going to be giving it so much. Do you know what I mean?

I do hope so, Rob. I'm frothing at the mouth like a dog. You might need to calm down. You're going to be like, do you remember when Steven Gerrard came on in a Liverpool game and got sent off within a minute because he was too hyped up? Yeah. You're going to go in so hard on the front row at your first gig back. It's going to be unbearable.

I did that. I'm doing a Slipsco dating voiceover because that's coming back in January, right? And I was so, Wayne Lineker's, they basically put him in a bag. No, you're not a three on the stiff neck scale.

You're a you're two maximum Rob anyway so I was so excited about that about way Linniker being back in and all this I was like they went Rob can we redo that first bit when you're so excited we can't actually hear what you're saying and I was like welcome back oh well there you go. Joe Lyser has painted me a picture of Wayne Lineker that we have on our wall now that is genuinely one of the greatest things I've ever been given. Oh, lovely. Now, what are your plans for Christmas Day? I thought I'd tell you what I'm eating for Christmas Day, Rob,

because I thought you'd enjoy that. Yeah, so you've got some turkey. So do you want to guess what my veggie Christmas dinner is, Rob? You know, nut loaf. Is it nut loaf? That's the main one at Christmas? It's not dinner is, Rob? You know, nut loaf. Is it nut loaf? That's the main one at Christmas? It's not nut loaf, Rob. It's not nut loaf.

Is it veggie Wellington? No, it's not. Oh. Because I just thought. So you're going to have all the trimmings. You'll have all the veg and gravy. Yeah, not the gravy, but I'll have the spuds. Why won't you have the gravy?

Because sometimes it has underneath. Well, you'll see what my main is. Okay. So I have all the trimmings. Sp sprouts carrots and parsnips bread sauce stuffing that's half the plate other half the plate i have vegetable lasagna rob oh hello josh you can't do that i can do you know what i'll be preparing it as people listen to this. Do you know what? I'm actually considering not doing this podcast anymore.

That is insane. One, you can't have vegetable lasagna on Christmas Day at all. Not acceptable. Why not? Because it is not. Because you can't eat that with stuffing and gravy. You know what? I've been looking forward to wine. This is true You know what? I've been looking forward to wine.

This is true, obviously, but I've been looking forward to telling you. So what's Rose having? Is she a veggie? No. So she's got a turkey for six. Okay. It is hard to get a small turkey. Well, no, no.

It's because we thought we had six. Oh, right. Okay. I get you. And here's a question. That's a very stiff neck thing to do. Have six people get a turkey for six. That don't happen in loose head. That's a very stiff neck thing to do. Have six people, get a turkey for six. That don't happen in loose neck.

That is a loose neck. Six people coming over, you get eight to ten. Right, right, right, right, right. Sandwiches later. You're too prescribed. But no, you can't have, no, but Josh, right. First of all, you cannot have vegetable lasagna with the trimmings. It doesn't go.

It goes with the trimmings, mate. It does not go. It does go. It doesn't. It does. Okay. It doesn't go. It goes with the trimmings, mate. It does not go. It does go. It doesn't. It does. Okay. It doesn't. Do you want to tell me?

It does not go. No one's ever put gravy on a lasagna. Do you know what? They said that no one would ever replace the Chuckle Brothers. Why are they knocking on the door? It doesn't. I'm going to send you a photo, Rob. I'm not happy about this.

This is... It's actually upsetting me slightly. Is it? Yeah. Well, it's just like, you can't just... What's the point? Rob, you're eating fish for eight on your own. Yeah, I know, but that's not my fault, is it?

That's the fucking mutant strain that's forcing me to do that where it's gold. I need to spend more time to get food poisoning and COVID this fucking Christmas. Yeah, I don't, it makes me a bit itchy that, Josh. But I understand vegans are vegetarian. Just have the trimmings in.

You don't need to have... But the trimmings are boring. Have you ever had a nut loaf? It's rubbish. Exactly, eat meat then. Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob. Yes, why don't you get fake meat, tofu? Because tofu's so boring, Rob. Yeah, I, Rob, Rob. Yes, why don't you get a fake meat tofu? Because tofu's so

boring, Rob. This way you get... Cheese is the best bit of food. Yeah, but I know, but you can say that about everything. I mean, I'll be honest, I thought you'd take it badly, but I didn't think you'd take it this badly. I know they're boring, the trimmings, Josh, but then that's how life works, isn't it? You don't just, like, have something on top

of it, like you... But everyone else is torturing themselves, Rob. I'm innovating. I'm like Heston Blumenthal. Can you love cheese? Or is it fake? You love normal cheese? Yeah, yeah, because I'm not vegan. So you love normal cheese.

Okay. So have normal cheese. And then what's in it? Just sort of like tomato saucy stuff and herbs. So you've got the two levels, the blemish, or however you pronounce it, the cheese sauce, the white sauce. Neither of us are going to need to give it the French name. i don't know if we're allowed to in the current tier four rules um and then uh yeah i don't know what we can and can't use we've got to call it white sauce

um so then we've got uh the the tomato which also contains your mushrooms, your courgettes, your onions, your garlic. Josh, don't get me wrong. I love vegetable lasagna as much as I love a meat lasagna. I think you don't need the meat in it, really. It's just sort of people like that. That's fine. I love a vegetable lasagna. What I'm saying is it's not festive and it doesn't go with the trimmings.

Where would the gravy go? Would it be separate? I'm not going to have the gravy, Rob. So you're not having gravy. So you're having dry potatoes and brussels no i've got the bread sauce oh my god you're a monster i think it's that weird sort of like cornish in you that makes you do this kind of stuff i've never done this is that i mean you know that that's basically right i'm just trying to get you as angry as i was about lasagna but pretending you're cornish i've written it down and I thought,

I'm going to bring this up towards the end because I don't want to ruin the rest of the podcast. I'm just really, really not on board with that, Josh, to be honest. I don't know if we're supposed to be doing some emails about Christmas, but I don't think we're... I don't think we need them. No, I think what we are going to do though, is we're going to do a little roundup of our Christmases and put it out.

Thank you for your emails we'll try and we'll try and do an episode where we go through Christmas emails later in the festive season how's that yes I think that's a good idea and we're going to do a little like new year special because we're going to have a couple of weeks break aren't we Josh in January yeah we're going to come back a couple of weeks break and then we're back in mid-January let's say mid to late let's not push the luck yeah mid to late do you think the schools will be open rob oh god don't we've put we've put the three-year-old in for an extra day of preschool because there's nothing because normally it's like oh let her have a day off we'll do something with her there's

nothing to do so she's going four days a week now to preschool which i sort of feel a bit guilty about only for the first term um and then hopefully lockdown stops are they termed preschools so do you have a summer holiday? Yeah, it's all termed. The preschool's the same as the school days. I quite like it, to be honest. Now they're older and stuff. It's nice to spend more time with them, I find.

Oh, yeah. I'm not saying I don't want to spend time with them, but the thought of it. It feels like what you are. Six weeks. Yeah, but then you can go on a holiday and do things and stuff. You can't, Rob. No, you can't. You read the news.

Please, Josh, it's Christmas. I'm just trying to get that movie let's talk about good news right the good news is we've got an announcement have we josh yes we have we want to say thank you because um do you want to do you want to let everyone know how many how many downloads have we hit josh we've hit 10 million downloads which is a lot of downloads isn't it so many downloads thank you so much 10 million is an amazing achievement. In seven months, we've hit that. Yeah, we've got lucky, haven't we, really, Rob? Like, you know, we haven't got lucky because obviously we're keeping the nation afloat.

We're all aware of that. But no, we genuinely didn't intend to be sat here doing a Christmas Day special announcing we've got 10 million downloads. No. We just needed some kind of outlet in april yes and so what has happened has genuinely uh made our year yeah it's been slightly better than shit yes and it's i think it's a nice positive to come out of what is an awful situation and it's really helped me talking about you know kids and stuff on here and i've learned so much from our listeners and i hopefully it's you guys have got stuff from it and it's kept you busy for an hour or a couple of hours a week

that is the thing like it's felt like uh genuinely like um a community that we didn't know we were creating if you know what i mean and i think and we really appreciate it when everyone says uh nice things about it or shouts at rob when he's in drag that his trampoline situation is fucked. Either way, we appreciate it. Yeah, it's lovely. Either way, we like it. And what we want to do is, because obviously it's been a very challenging year for lots of people and, you know, we trivialized it and ultimately we're a very comfortable, privileged

position and it has been tough. Our job is to trivialize. Exactly. Our job is to be a distraction distraction but there are people struggling a bit more so what we're going to do is the podcast is going to donate some money to the trussell trust uh which helps um trying to eradicate food banks and the need for food banks as well as um you know helping current food banks it's not trying to get rid of just giving page so if anyone is there at home listening to this if you've managed to get past the lasagna bit without

throwing your phone out of the window our just giving page is in the info bit of the podcast so when you read about the podcast it will be there so go on there and if you can donate uh but obviously there's no pressure not at all if you can donate they do um amazing work for people that um have had a very tough time and uh need help this year. So do go to our Just Giving page. That is in the show info. We'll tweet about it and stick it on Instagram. We'll tweet about it. So thank you very much.

Stick it on Instagram. A lovely way to end the year. No pressure whatsoever. If you can, go for it. If you can't, don't worry. But just keep listening to us. We really appreciate it. And hopefully it'll be a brighter new year and we'll speak to you soon.

Thanks so much. We'll try and do another Christmas special depending on how it all goes. Yes. Who doesn't want to hear about Rob's trampoline halfway through Christmas and New Year? Exactly. We'll drop one more episode either New Year's Eve or New Year's Day and we'll be back mid to end January with more episodes and guests.

Thank you, guys. Cheers. Bye-bye.