Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP71: "I'm Bebop and Rocksteady and Lou is Krang..."
Episode Date: December 27, 2020ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S01 EP71: "I'm Bebop and Rocksteady and Lou is Krang..."It's the actual final episode of 2020 and this series. We round up Josh's covid test. ...Trampoline drama. And much, much more....We'd like to say thank you to everyone who listened and supported the show this year - it's been amazing to be part of this parenting community and we've loved making the show and hearing from you all. We're so proud and honoured to announce we have reached 10 MILLION DOWNLOADS!!!!And to say thank you and help those in need after what has been a tough year for so many, we've started a Just Giving page for the Trussell Trust which you can find here;https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/lockdownparentingWe've kicked things off with a donation and if anybody is in a position to help this fantastic cause then please do. No pressure. But they do great work for a brilliant cause so if you can spare even a little please do. https://www.trusselltrust.orgThanks and see you soon.Josh, Rob (and producer Michael) xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: Hello@lockdownparenting.co.ukTWITTER: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: hello@keepitlightmedia.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Transcript
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Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe.
And I'm Rob Beckett.
Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell.
The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown,
which I would say can be a little tricky.
So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation...
And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills...
Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.
Or hopefully not.
And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe.
Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing.
because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing.
This is the podcast equivalent of, you know, at Glastonbury and they get like Lewis Capaldi, just him, an acoustic guitar
and a bloke who's like just tapping a table to do a little chill set.
Yeah, what, by the hay bales to just lower the level of the car and so on.
Yeah, and the Glastonbury's are half a mile away in the
distance i've had to get a bus there and the drummer's still hung over and he's just tapping
on his knees i might know you put the titles on oh wow yeah why not all this bloody window dressing
man let's take this back let's strip it back just take the sticks off him and just give him skin he can still make
percussion this mate this is what podcast used to be like before the bloody money men got involved
yeah hello hello guys welcome to the christmas special episode is this a christmas now when you
find out quite how good the edit is um i just thought it'd be nice to do a christmas recap
because yes the world wants to know so this
is not it's not a proper episode is it rob it's just me and you finally after a month's build-up
yeah i feel a bit bad because we released we recorded the christmas special before christmas
and it went out christmas day and we left a lot of cliffhangers there we had the trampoline build
and also your covid test results so it feels like we should give people closure.
Yes.
So do you want, I suppose the trampoline is such a headline, Rob.
Well, yeah, I think chronologically, let's go through Christmas Eve, okay?
Oh, well, I think I need to go before Christmas Eve, Rob.
Okay, let's start.
Let's do chronologically and then we'll build up to it.
Okay, so last time you left us, I think we recorded on the Monday.
Yeah, Tilbury. You'd been to Tilbury Ferry Port. we'll build up okay so last time he left us i think we recorded on monday yeah tilbury you'd
been to tilbury ferry port been to tilbury uh and i'd also had a private test because i'd booked
one in advance okay so he came as well he came around in the evening and i was like well he's
here now i might as well i might as well double drop okay you've double dropped up your nose. Lovely. And at the back of your throat. Yeah. So Tuesday morning, awoken to see a text saying NHS on the phone, which is a very tense way to get it.
Yeah. Before all you had to worry about was chlamydia on those texts.
Exactly. Now all sorts could be happening.
Exactly. And it was good news. I was in the clear. We were all in the clear, in fact.
So all negative so that you could have your Christmas as you planned.
Exactly. Later that day, I got it confirmed by the money man in Harley Street as well,
that I was clear on that test as well.
Yeah, but your bank account had taken a bit of a negative.
Yeah, it was one of the most needless £180 I've spent in my life.
Negative test results and negative equity in the bank.
180 pounds I've spent in my life. Yeah, negative test results and negative equity in the bank.
So we're in Eclea.
So my wife's mum, who lives on her own, so is in a support bubble,
I went and got her, and that was our Christmas.
Oh, lovely.
And then on Christmas Eve, I'm not going to lie,
the thing that I thought was COVID was actually quite bad.
Oh.
So I was quite ill on Christmas Eve.
What was wrong with you?
It was just, like, fluey. It was just with you? Just, it was just like flu-y.
It was just...
But you're a bit...
I don't take this the wrong way, Josh.
You're always a little bit ill in the winter.
Is that a vibe?
Well, I do qualify for a flu jab, Rob, because of my asthma.
That's it.
You've always been a bit sniffly.
I mean, that's just not a thing.
I've never been sniffly.
No, but I just...
Always been a bit sniffly. I just think you're the kind of No, but I just... Always call it sniffily.
I just think you're the kind of person
that would have a tissue on them
in the winter just in case.
On my sleeve?
Yeah.
Like a primary school teacher.
You've got the air
of a tissue sleeve about you.
That's what I'm saying.
Well, you know what?
You're going to blow your mind.
I've never had a tissue up my sleeve.
Okay, and I apologise then for...
Even as a teenage boy.
I apologise for casting a smirk on youions josh i'll take that back okay but let's just say no it's
not spoken about in like the comedy circuit behind your back that you're a bit sniffly
here he comes the snuffleupagus vaseline on his face two fleeces on here he is
um so christmas eve i was quite ill um but i thought i'd seen the worst of it off got everything
ready christmas eve went out bought the last of the presents went to the playground too cold
yes it was cold christmas eve and too cold christmas eve oh rob yeah and build up to your
um anecdote about whether you got the trampoline built. Yes. The night before Christmas Eve, I thought I should just check that it's pretty easy to put this bike together.
Yeah.
Thank God.
It was genuinely.
They're tough bikes.
They're tough, aren't they?
Genuine.
I think it was an unacceptable level.
Yeah.
I just don't get why stuff.
It's not like, right.
You know, flat pack furniture is small flat packed in it.
You can understand why you build it at home,
but it's not a much bigger box for a built bike.
It's not getting through the letter box unmoded, is it?
No.
Why is the wheel mud guard not attached already?
How much room are you saving?
I just, I spoke to you about this on text text josh and it's weird that me and you and
romesh as well as the same i know that for a fact are useless anything that you would put in a a bit
handy category i i can't put pictures which is good in the era of me too isn't it yeah yeah yeah
exactly we're not very handy or handsy, us guys. We're purists.
I'm useless.
I can't do any DIY.
I've done nothing in my house.
I just get something to do it because I just can't.
I can't do plugs and stuff like that.
So a bike, for me, stresses me out more than going on to do 20 minutes
on a comedy gig or somewhere like that, you know?
I just thought this is a write-off.
This is it.
There's going to be no Christmas bike.
Yeah, so you couldn't get it together at all?
No, I got the mudguard on, and then it said about,
I need to release the brake wire thing to get the wheel on.
And I was like, I'm not tinkering with the brakes.
It's like I'm causing some kind of terrorist hit to a driver.
You're souping it up.
You put some noz on it yeah but then it was pointed out to me that bike shops are still open because they're considered essential
shops yeah because you know what in a pandemic you do need to get a you know a three-year-old's
bike brakes balanced exactly right essential so 8 30 the next day on the phone can you build my child's bike he'd heard it before he was happy
with it he i wasn't the first person to call him with that on christmas eve i'll tell you that he's
had a panicked media hipster ring him on plenty of occasions saying please sort this bike out for me
do you know what i mean you can't there's no app that can build it so in a it was a very east
london christmas eve rob all right in the uh i have a fight and sleep your sister in law yes yes There's no app that can build it. So it was a very East London Christmas Eve, Rob.
All right. Did you have a fight and sleep with your sister-in-law?
Yes, I did.
My East London references haven't really caught up with the property.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, I went to the trendy bike shop.
Ooh.
But I had to wait to go in because as I was getting out of the car,
there was two gangs fighting.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
So it was old school East London and new school combined.
It was fusion.
Yeah, exactly.
It was a lovely fusion.
It really showed that the hipsters have moved in,
but they haven't taken over.
Yeah, but blood being spilled onto Rafa caps and Lycra shorts.
So I go in.
It was a fight.
Was it a proper gang gang or was it just one
of them had a knife oh what kind of knife josh i'd say kitchen kitchen on christmas eve it is
awful you don't get bogged down by seriousness but that is a horrific way to spend christmas
evening it was genuinely it brought me up short because i thought it would be a lovely festive
trip i was bear in mind i was not going to walk past that with a pink bicycle in a sitcom you would
have come out the shop all happy and then the kitchen after a break and then somehow they'd
have had to chase me and i'd have ended up on the pink bicycle yeah cycling down a hill with no
brakes you've escaped but you can't stop. Oh, sorry.
Anyway, so they're fighting outside the shop.
This is stressful.
This is Christmas Eve, yeah?
Christmas Eve.
But then they went, I got the bike in,
went back to pick it up an hour later, 50 quid,
and it is the best.
Because it saved Christmas.
It seems like it's overpriced,
but at that moment, you had to get it done.
I would hate to know how long it took him.
I would absolutely hate to know.
I reckon it took longer for him to fold the 50 quid and put it in his wallet.
But I reckon that's a ploy in the industry where they put balance the breaks in
so everyone panics and goes in and you don't actually do anything.
You just put it together.
I was delighted when I realised I could drop it off and come back because to watch him do it would have been super emasculating well because that's with the because
that's the thing with the trampoline i'll sort of put on when i don't want to put anyone out and
make them work and build a trampoline on christmas eve but if i could have taken the trampoline
somewhere i got it built i just picked it up and brought it home I definitely would have it's just the size of it it's not it's not doable yeah and then how
was the rest of your Christmas Eve then at home did it was it all go to plan that your daughter
I'm gonna say it Christmas Eve it's so much better than Christmas Day isn't it in my humble
with children you know what we've done which is a little what which I was a bit dubious about but
I it's the best decision I've ever made,
and we're going to carry on doing it until the kids are a lot older,
is me and Lou swap presents Christmas Eve once the kids are in bed.
Oh.
We had to open a bottle of wine, did presents,
because then we could properly give each other the presents
and talk about them and chat and have an evening of just us,
a bit of couple time.
Because there is no time the next day.
You're shoehorning it in
because during the Christmas day it's carnage you're not wrong presents and the kids and you're
up at five you're all tired you don't know what's going on so we really enjoyed it that's a very
good idea we've now developed a tradition for Christmas Eve night oh yeah uh which is every
year we have a Chinese and watch Muppets Christmas Carol. I like the idea of a takeaway.
We did it one year.
You know when you do it one year
and then you enjoy it
and then it's stuck
and now I don't think
we can ever back out.
That's it now forever.
I'm like that,
but sometimes I think
I invent traditions.
So I went for a walk
with Tom Allen
on Christmas Eve
and we went,
it was really cold
and it was about afternoon
and I went,
oh, should we go to the Chippewas?
Oh, should we get
some Christmas Eve chips?
And I was like, I've never had Christmas Eve chips I've invented just because I was cold and I wanted chips I invented that Christmas Eve you have Christmas
Eve portion of chip and he was like Christmas Eve chips but yeah I don't know I've never had it
before I've just made it up but I think that's good I think I think you know you want to start
your new traditions I'm going to say fish is a thing on Christmas Eve, right?
Because the queue for the fish shop, the fishmongers,
in Victoria Park was, on Christmas Eve morning,
I would say it was 50 people long.
Well, do you know what they should do?
They should get the gangs to fillet it outside.
So that you can buy it quick and then they can do the rest
i love inventing traditions because it's like you know it's a middle finger salute to traditions
because i find sometimes some like christmas pudding is awful in it but you have to have it
but like we did we've invented a new one called yorkshire pudding catch right we have yorkshire
puddings christmas day which is a bit controversial but they're nice aren't they there's always too Like we did, I invented a new one called Yorkshire Pudding Catch. Right. We have Yorkshire Puddings Christmas Day,
which is a bit controversial, but they're nice, aren't they?
There's always too many left over.
So I played a game which is called, I was a bit drunk,
Yorkshire Pudding Catch, where everyone was allowed Yorkshire pudding
that was left over and they could, you was allowed to throw one,
you took turns and you just can throw it as hard as you want
at each other and the person to catch it wins.
So were the kids allowed to play?
Yeah, and they absolutely loved throwing Yorkshire puddings really hard at each other and the person to catch it wins so so were the kids allowed to play yeah and they absolutely loved throwing yorkshire puddings really hard because you want that's what you
want to do in it with food but you're not allowed to but one day a year they can absolutely launch
your yorkshire pudding at my head and we all laugh it's like the purge isn't it one day a year
so take me through your christmas eve rob okay so um it was a success we've i documented it if
you've not um got instagram go go on instagram under lockdown parenting and it's got all the
videos of what of what happened but it wasn't a success what i would say is though i got cocky
and overconfident josh did you earlier in the week i built the base the main bouncy castle and
everyone was telling about the the elastic-y space.
Look, first and foremost, it is actually impossible to do it on your own.
You cannot do a trampoline on your own.
So thank you for people that taught me out of that.
The actual pulling of the strings, like the springs, is hard,
but not the hardest part of the journey, okay?
You needed to plan it out.
And Lou came out and helped me about eight times. So I'm a bit like a enforcer for like a baddie in a in a movie i mean i'm like the
big show i'm b-buff and rocksteady i'm b-buff and rocksteady and lose the brain okay the little pink
brain crank yeah crank and so she came out and helped me plan it all so then we put it down the
side of the house and thought oh i'll just get that out on christmas eve and pop the mesh on okay yeah we were overconfident i was half cut i'd had about five beers we get it
out we was out there for an hour and a half and there's one point we have to sew it on what you
so you have to put the other poles in and you have to sew the actual netting into it that you have to
and it was so cold it was like zero degrees and then you have to screw
it into the floor there was a ladder right to build so i i could have done some of that in the
doors like another night the night before so what i'd say is just do as much as you can and hide it
around your house and then assemble last minute but we got there in the end it did take an hour
and a half it was awful but what what that what we did
well though is we managed to get the kids into bed really early about six because yeah when you
texted me to say that you got the kids i couldn't but how did you do that well say that was i'd say
the best moment of christmas we so you're allowed to meet people in a park the kids under five are
all right with you and if you meet one person so we were doing shifts in the park so our kids were in the
park for like four hours and then like whose mum came down there my brother came down so they were
seeing people but on a walk so it was allowed oh so she distanced and stuff and things like that
and and um yeah so they were knackered so they came over the park about three o'clock
both of them said it's dark. We need to go to bed.
So I did a bit of, almost a bit of Russell Kane,
keep them awake.
Did you?
You put flannels on their feet.
I didn't put flannels on their feet,
but I did find some sweets left over from Easter.
Haribo's that I busted off.
They're a little bit hard and chewy,
but they managed to get up there without choking.
And that little sugar burst fired them through till 5pm.
And then we did a bath at five and did all the Christmassy stuff.
And then we put them into bed at six.
The eldest went to sleep.
I honestly, I just said to her, the quicker you go to sleep,
the quicker it's Christmas.
It was like a robot powering down.
She just went.
And then the youngest stayed up for half an hour.
She must be close to being old enough to be
too excited to get to sleep right yeah but i don't know what happened but we managed it so that it
was like i sold it to her that it was like what i find is you can you can get them too jazzed up
right and i'm the king of jazzing up i know how to jazz up a kid right i've seen your shows
right so i but i took the foot off the pedal the closer it got to to bedtime and then they sort of
slowly came down with me lovely did you do the mince pie and the brandy we did that we did the
mince pie and we gave him a smoothie because we thought it'd be funny that he would get the ump
that he had a smoothie instead of a beer the kids absolutely loved that to the point where i thought
the head was gonna explode um and um yeah so yeah we did all
that but then this is quite tragic last year i realized we used to put our like mid-spine stuff
on the doorstep yeah not by the chimney because we didn't have a chimney so that when we first
did it with the kids i went to go outside and it was like where you going it's like you put it
outside on the doorstep because he comes through the front door she was like what i was like yeah
and then i didn't realize how stupid that was oh mate because
i didn't have a chimney growing up and i was like oh and then i was like you know you're like oh
yeah that does make sense so we just did but it felt like my a part of my nostalgia childhood
but you know what mate you've come a long way you're a small boy with dreams of a chimney and
now you've got one and you've earned it
you've earned your chimney i've got a chimney josh and people thought you'd just be sweeping
them rob people thought you'd just be sent down a chimney no i didn't i've got one that i don't
even use but once a year for father christmas so to be fair the trampoline bill did take an
hour and a half but we were so lucky that they went to bed early. And then we had that luck.
Were you worried about early wake up?
Yeah, but this is something we've spoken about before.
My kids will wake up at five on Christmas Day, whatever happens.
So you're better off sending them to bed early
because the later you put them, they won't sleep in.
So we were up about 5.30, 5-ish they woke up.
And then we sent them like, they laid in our bed for about half an hour.
Then we got off about half, five, six.
I'm going to say, that means pie out for santa carrot for rudolph bit that's that is
genuinely one of the best bits of parenting i think christmas eve is just you're just like
it's so great being a parent on christmas eve yeah i think that's what's so brilliant and the
first like hour like 20 minutes in the morning when they're like on a sea speed and all that kind of stuff.
Well, let me talk you through my morning, Rob.
Yeah, let's go.
So, you know, I was ill.
Yeah.
So, went to bed.
So, you know, when you've got like a coldy, flu-y thing
and it's like, it's in your chest, but then it goes,
like my nose got blocked up as I was going to sleep.
Yeah, of course, it's sniffy widders, isn't it?
Yeah, sniffy widders.
I woke up at 2.30 with the worst headache,
like almost migraine-style headache.
Oh, no, really?
Because I was so blocked up.
Oh.
2.30.
Yeah.
Had some Sudafed.
It did nothing.
At four, I realised I'm not going to get back to sleep.
Oh, my God.
So what time did you go to bed?
I'd gone to
bed at 10 30 so I'd had you got you're about four or five hours sleep four hours well three and a
half really once I did I I checked the last text I sent to see you know when you're like I wonder
what time so the last text I sent was at 10 to 11 so I got three and a half hours sleep four
because I was just like I'm not going to get back to sleep. I'm just going to get up.
I don't know what else to do in this situation.
I'm not just going to lie here feeling annoyed.
And I was just like, I'm just going to have to blast through Christmas Day
on three and a half hours sleep, having been up since half two.
Also, right, it's so, it's meant to be the kid that wakes up at half two.
My daughter's fast asleep and I'm fucking up.
What did you do?
I watched a four-part documentary about the Yorkshire Ripper.
Oh, come on!
Not on Christmas Day!
I was just...
Do you know what?
Because I knew Rose wouldn't like it and I was like,
this is actually a good opportunity to watch this.
I reckon you're on some sort of data analysis watch list now.
The algorithm that this guy at 2.30am on Christmas Day,
and he's got kids apparently,
is watching the Yorkshire Ripper documentary in one sitting.
Have you watched it?
Yeah, I did watch it. It's good.
But, you know, I sort of spread it across a few evenings.
You know, I didn't power through.
You didn't power through at 4am.
She woke up also at half seven, right?
I think it was a little bit too late.
Yeah, I was like, I've been up for five hours.
Five hours I've been up.
Do you know what really annoys me sometimes?
If you go for a walk and the kids go up really early
and it's about half 11 and someone goes,
good morning, and you go, it's not fucking morning still, is it?
Genuinely, I couldn't believe it happened.
So the pseudoped kicked in.
I was fine from about 4.30.
It's just me watching the disaster of West Yorkshire policing.
Oh, God, I know.
Let's not get bogged down by the Ripper and the policing.
No, let's not get bogged down.
They made some key errors.
Terrible.
Yeah.
Anyway, but I think, yeah,
it was a very strange start to Christmas morning.
And do you know what made me think it was weird?
By the time I was thinking about it today,
and I get quite nostalgic, as I'm sure you're aware,
so I was, like, nostalgic for the build-up to Christmas, even today on Boxing Day, and I get quite nostalgic as I'm sure you're aware so I was like nostalgic for the build up to Christmas even today on Boxing Day and I started thinking nostalgically about watching
the Yorkshire Ripper documentary at 4am. Oh no like that's a memory. I was like what a Christmas
memory that'll always be for me. What did you do at Christmas when it was the Covid year Josh? Well
I drove to Tilbury for a test and then I saw a gang fight with knives. And then I watched a Yorkshire Ripper doc.
So merry.
Just a very little, merry little Christmas for me, that was.
Still can't quite hear the hooves of the vaccine cavalry.
Just sat there in silence, watching Tuckett.
Oh, my God.
So I was knackered then.
Yeah, that is, yeah.
And also, you're obviously still a bit ill,
but you're like lying to yourself because it's Christmas.
Yeah, I powered through.
I drank in the day because I thought that would get me through.
And then it was fine.
Too many presents, Rob, for my daughter.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, especially because she's only child.
It's like, it's a lot of pressure of just three adults
looking at her the whole time isn't there you realize that because everyone buys for her so
so actually we didn't really need to get her much yeah next year all those filler presents that i
bought to kind of make up the numbers they are gone yeah you're better off just getting your
starting 11 out do you know i mean no one wants no knees on the squad. No one needs those extra things
that you've bought.
Glitter pens.
Oh,
glitter pens can fucking do one,
mate.
I hate them.
They're rubbish.
But,
but,
but so what,
you had a,
you had a nice day.
It all went to plan.
You were just tired.
That was,
I was,
I was tired.
And then when we watched the snowman
at about half five,
I'd been drinking for probably eight hours.
Okay.
And I hadn't been to bed since 2.30 in the morning.
Yeah.
And the emotions of him melting got too much,
and I just burst into tears.
Like, what, just a bit of a little one tear, dad tear, or?
No, like, just the whole of it.
I just became over-emotional about the beauty of Christmas
and what a great
film it is and how sad it is that he melts and genuinely just completely,
just completely lost it over the snowman.
Do you know what, Josh?
I'm very proud of you and us for talking about these things because back in
the day, if he was a dad in the seventies, you would have had to do,
you'd have to keep it in and do one little tear or before that ending
happened, you'd go in the shed and pretend to do something but cry
so it's good that you could be open your emotions so i text lou on christmas eve going i'm so happy
i could cry you know when everyone's in it's all gone to plan we've done the trampoline it's all
just that release of emotion i think it's been such a big year it's all a bit on everyone's a
bit on edge you've got to work so hard to keep it together but i just think the snowman got to you
and that's fair play snowman got to me big the snowman always used i think also the snowman
represents my own childhood christmas and do you know what i mean it represents so much about
of all those christmas things it's like the one that most strikes with me i think yeah or maybe
next year you could sit down as a family and watch the Yorkshire Ripper documentary exactly exactly and then you're you it's tears of happiness when he gets caught yeah
exactly so how was your Christmas day Christmas day you know it was lovely it all went to plan
very chilled obviously no one came over so it was like it was lovely and it's just tired now by the
end we've done dinner me and Lou had had a few drinks in the day i just wanted to like i just i just was so tired you know because like it's so much that they're
on you the whole time and like me and lou like near enough passed out at the end of the day and
then my oldest hurt her knee and it was a little bit bleeding so we put a plaster on it and she
was sitting there going oh oh my knee hurts my knee hurts i'm so tired and she went my knee hurts went yep that's what pain is one of the bleakest things i've ever said out loud
but also when a kid's moaning about hurting you've seen him on a trampoline for an hour
you sort of think i don't think your knee's that bad do you know what i mean so um but yeah what
we did do that was we kept the curtains shut So they had their presents and then they had a bit of breakfast.
And then I said, oh, Lou, take him into the other room.
And then I opened the curtains and showed it.
And then we went back in and I said, and then Lou went back in to sort of film it.
And I said, oh, girls, have you checked everywhere?
I think there might be another present somewhere.
And then they're running around checking all the rooms.
And then I went, what about the garden?
And they were like, oh, my gosh, there's a trampoline with a bow on it.
And they went absolutely mental and just screamed at the top of their voice.
So, yeah, we were like –
They said, how did you put that together?
I've heard it's really tough.
And then she was like, oh, I think Father Christmas maybe just forgot that one
and dropped it off.
And I was like, I wanted to go, do you know what I did for that?
And also, I've got, like like calluses and cuts all over my hands
so I can't
my hands are really weak
because I've been doing
Playmobil
putting that together
putting Lego together
I was out in the cold
doing the bloody
screwing it into the ground
I've got all like
cuts on my hands
it's like when I used to
work at the market
and I keep going to Lou
oh my hands are
so sore from the trampoline
and then
they're going
but you didn't go on
the trampoline dad
I want the glory I want to go over I haven't built it but you didn't go on the trampoline dad i want the glory
built it but you can't isn't it not being able to oh mate that's that's a sad situation isn't it
you're looking for the trampoline glory but you're never going to get it i tell you what glory i did
get catchphrase glory josh i watched christmas catchphrase and you know i'm a fan of catchphrase
you've done it i've done it. I've done it. I,
I think I've got some sort of like mutant superhero ability at catchphrase.
I'm too good at it,
Josh.
I've got like a spidey sense.
It's like,
I've got,
I've got literally everyone right.
And it was to get into the point,
like I'd watched it before and memorize the answers.
And I was like,
and then they didn't get blame it on the boogie.
Right.
For about a minute. And I was screaming, it's blame it on the boogie. My word. I was like, this is... And then they didn't get blame it on the boogie, right, for about a minute.
And I was screaming, it's blame it on the boogie, Moa.
I was a bit pissed.
It's blame it on the boogie.
Lou was like, you've got to calm down.
This is pathetic.
I was just on fire, Josh. I just, the only thing in my life that I know I can nail.
Do you know what, Rob?
I'm going to say it.
I thought that the worst, most depressing thing you could watch
on Christmas Day was a four-part documentary of the Yorkshire Ripper.
Yeah.
You watched Catchphrase of all of the options.
I hate it.
Of all of the options on TV, you chose Catchphrase.
I'm going to have to wash your mouth out with soap, mate.
Catchphrase.
I know you're on brand, Rob, but come on, mate.
No, he's been. No one's quality.
Cat Tracer's quality.
Also, I'd invested interest because they'd got Jordan Banjo back on.
It was Harry Redknapp, Jordan Banjo, and Helen George, the actor.
And they got Banjo back on, even though I beat him last time.
So RB got a mention.
I said, Rob, let me finish.
And I wanted Banjo to win because then it makes my win look better.
Do you know what I mean?
When you beat a champion.
What's that, mate?
Carry on.
But yeah, so I basically wanted Banjo to win
because then it makes my victory look better.
Same way a boxer, you know, they want...
Yeah, I see.
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah, go on, mate.
Does your TV tune to any channel except ITV?
Yeah, Channel 5, Bargain Brits Abroad.
You've seen that?
It's about a caravan park
in Benidorm.
It's the greatest telly.
The problem is
you don't need to make
mockumentaries anymore.
Just film a documentary.
What I loved about that
is you said,
have you seen that?
And you didn't even wait
for me to say no.
You just ploughed on.
I know.
I mean, also,
who's still watching
The Snowman?
Come on, mate.
What a crap.
It's the thing your nan
makes you watch
or you have to watch at school. They're never the one right wrap yourself up have a stiff neck christmas enjoy
yourself i did watch national lampoon's vacation and and the five-year-old did shout out shit what
does shit mean and then at one point this woman starts getting her boobs out and i was like this
is on at like five o'clock what's going on here my word rob what a
racy christmas very racy i'm going to attempt jurassic park at some point yeah over the
christmas and fast forward the scary bits i'll look forward to that
have you got any plan this this dead time now in the rest of christmas which normally i've got
nothing in the locker mate it's actually i think it's worse the the
lockdown thing is christmas day was fine for us because we had i realized some people on their
own that's it wasn't but for us it didn't make much difference but in this period now what do
we do now because normally we'd be seeing friends and stuff like that now i would have dumped the
kids at a grandparent's house and gone to a pub and got absolutely shit-faced. Yeah.
That's what I'd be doing tonight or tomorrow.
But you can't do that.
I'm going to play golf.
I'm allowed to play golf.
I've got a dad playing golf.
I think Lou's taking the girls to, like, Hever Castle
or one of them sort of heritage National Trust places.
Oh, nice.
Where they're still open.
And so she's going to go with her mum,
which you're allowed to go with one other person for exercise, walking around.
Is that allowed?
I think it's allowed.
Yeah, I think that's allowed.
Is that allowed?
I think it's allowed.
But I don't even know.
Because you're allowed to go for a walk with me.
But then sometimes at the park,
there's a walk with about 30 people on it.
Have you seen them once?
I thought, this can't be allowed, can it?
Well, I was thinking this the other day.
So I had a play date on Christmas Eve
with a dad
and uh christmas eve yeah well i had to do something on christmas eve morning i wanted
to go to the park and i thought we've been kind of organizing play date for ages so it's like
you know much better that way so it's me and him totally legal and our kids consensual
me and him totally consensual play date and then another set of
parents from the nursery was also in the park oh right yeah so that looked and then that looks like
a meet-up but it wasn't a meet-up i was thinking what are the what's the ruling if i bump into
people in the park rob can i chat for a bit or do i have to go my separate ways how does this work
if it's a stranger it's okay yeah if there's people you don't know on the swing six to you yeah exactly
it's okay but if you know them then i yeah i think you can get covid easier if you know them
exactly well it's all the it's all because i greet people who are french kissing them if i know
i completely cop off and get my knob out whenever I meet anyone from the school pickup. Oh,
on the school pickup.
Yes.
So I had an idea based on this,
this meetup. Cause these were,
these were all parents that I have a lot of time for.
I thought,
cause obviously it'd be difficult to talk about,
get people to write in with their names.
Yes.
About our parents.
They don't like, but I thought it's a way of venting yes we could have an anonymous like a helpline or anonymous like
email in with the worst people worst parents at your nursery or school yeah because you don't
give us any information like that you just say who these people are you don't even have to say
their name you can say their name don't say name. Just describe them and vent about why you,
why you hate them so much.
Yeah.
And then what I'll do is Josh,
you think it's a good idea.
If I take on the anger of the person and then I can channel it.
And then that can be the cathartic thing for the listener.
This fucking,
this dickhead,
right?
He does this,
he does that.
He does that.
And I'll tell you,
Josh,
like it's on my school run.
And then I think,
I think that could be a good idea. It'd'll be quite perfect i quite enjoy being angry as well we'll get a jingle made
up we'll call it uh anonymous um school gate twats okay let's let's maybe we'll work on the name
we'll work on the name let's not just freestyle the first name you thought of no sorry yeah
i don't know about school gates twats that rob does in an aggressive way
on the podcast.
Catch it.
Get the jingle done.
We'll set the jingle to classical music.
Give it a bit of class.
And that slides into Jungle and Two Step Dub.
Yeah, exactly.
And then there's a little country western swang at the end.
That'd be great.
Exactly.
Cheers.
Right, we'll do that.
But do email in, put in the subject, school gates anonymous you know whatever and we'll do them from uh when we restart
in the new year you forgot what it's called you forgot what it's called what it's called mate i
forgot what it's called i'm not in school gate twats where rob does it aggressively on the podcast
is that right yeah it's snappy we'll get it down to the letters. But yeah, that can be a new feature.
Yes. And let's say thank you. We made that donation to the Trussell Trust and put the just give it up.
And you guys have been incredible at time of recording.
It's up to like sixteen and a half thousand pounds, which is amazing.
All going towards food banks and them trying to eradicate the need for food banks.
So thank you so much. It's really it's really a good, positive thing can come out of a bad year.
And, yeah, this will probably be the last one of the year, this episode.
And then we'll be back.
There'll be some best-of episodes, and then we'll be back with new stuff,
new interviews, new emails from the end of January.
Does that sound good, Josh?
Sounds perfect.
See you then.
See you.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.