Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP8: Alex Horne

Episode Date: May 22, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP8: Alex HorneJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the brilliant comedian, co-host and creator of Taskmaster and the Horne Section, Mr Alex Horne. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Good night mama. Life's a trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills...

Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with me. Rob Beckett. And me. Josh Whittaker.

Lovely little intro there. How are you? I'm very well, Josh Whittaker. How are you? I'm all right. Yeah, I'm good. I'm very good, actually. Yeah. So I've spent the whole week... So, well, we've got this situation, She's got really into jigsaws, right? Yeah.

And so she loves doing jigsaws. But you obviously have to do it with her to an extent. So it used to be that whenever she got a piece right, I'd like you to go, yeah, and celebrate it, right? And then she stamped down on that. And now at the end of the jigsaw, she won't even let you celebrate the end of the jigsaw. Oh.

And it reminds me of like, you know whenlex ferguson is like put the victories behind you you can't go on to the next season she's like put your medals in the box it's like yeah forget it we go again we go again we go again well at least she's doing that my kids just keep watching paw patrol right i don't watch it i put it on forum and go and do something else right if they're watching it, obviously. But my daughter keeps going, the one with the new voices, the new voices. So I don't know if there's new characters

or there was some sort of contract dispute with the original Paw Patrol, and then they got rid of them all and got new voices. And now I feel guilty that my daughter likes the new guys. I feel like those old guys deserved it. They've been there from the start. I don't know the ins and outs. I feel like those old guys deserved it. They've been there from the start. I don't know the ins and outs. I'm going to have to research it.

You need to Google that. Someone will know. Get in touch with us if you know the ins and outs of the Paw Patrol voice story. And the new pups. They all look the same to me. I don't know. You can't say that in this day and age.

I'm not saying that about dogs. I mean, to be fair, some of my best friends are dogs. So, you know, can't tie me with that brush, Josh. Josh, have we got any correspondence? We have. It's the Lockdown Parenting Mailbag. But it's actually emails and there's no bag. Right, Rob, I've just sent you a picture of...

Can you describe the picture I've sent you? Yes, OK. It's sort of sort of odd pubes in a really bulbous belly oh no the other one okay it's a double doors that are shut with like a lock it's a wardrobe it's just a normal wardrobe so this is from roxy beckley we have a one and a three-year-old and we're're both working from home. I've attached a photo of our wardrobe. Nothing strange about it. Well, what is missing from the photo is the fact that the wardrobe is locked

because our one-year-old took the key and hid it somewhere. Oh, no. This happened on March the 27th. The wardrobe's on lockdown. And we haven't been able to open it since. When did they send this email? May the 9th. What?

Let's break it in. Six weeks. Six weeks. Six weeks. My husband had a video interview on that day and was unable to access his suits and made do with a shirt and shorts. My only clothes that weren't in the wardrobe

were those going through the wash at the time. So I'm currently going on conference calls doing bizarre rotational clothes that look suitable from a headshot. More than a month on and we've still not found the key. We've tried about 20 skeleton keys ordered from Amazon, but with no luck. Our three-year-old has kindly offered a solution.

Wait until the baby can talk so he can tell us where the key is. Surely they could just cut the lock what are they waiting for it's been six weeks josh imagine getting a locksmith around for your wardrobe that'd be a low moment wouldn't it in the house as well potential contamination and infection because you've locked your wardrobe i would say my my advice with kids hiding stuff is let them hide a few things, right? Or you go to one of them and go, here's mummy's phone, hide it, right? Because they will have a hiding place. So if you're in on hiding something with them,

then you'll know in future where they go and put it. So early doors be like, let's hide this from mummy, go and hide it somewhere. And you go, where have you hidden it? So you know when they hide other stuff, you know where it is. But if it's a baby, you can't. I don't think the baby's intentionally hiding. I think the baby's just lost the key more than hiding it.

Either way. They must have had a good old route around. That's all drawers out on a bed, isn't it? That is empty drawers on a bed. I reckon if they've got exposed floorboards, I think down between the floorboards is your big fear. Toilet. That's gone.

They'll sometimes flush it. They will flush stuff. I've had that in the past. But, oh, brutal. Well, let us know how it plays out. This is from Sophie. Hi, Josh and Rob. Loving the podcast.

Just thought I'd give you a little insight into my lockdown life. Both myself and my husband are working full on for an online chemist company. We have a seven year old daughter who needs homeschooling. Should have been taking her SATs this week. We tag team through the week but it's been relentless and constant. I really really needed some time alone. Having an only child who views you as their playmate it just doesn't happen. But the other day the weather was lovely and we're outside. it started to lightly spit with rain so my husband and daughter went in ah at last i thought some time to myself just me and the cat then the rain

really started to come down i just kept saying it will blow over as it got heavier and heavier i didn't want to go back in as i knew i'd have to watch the secret life of pets and clear up. So I just sat in my T-shirt and shorts in the rain. That for me sums up everything it is about how much you want time on your own. Just sitting in the rain. And that is preferable to being with other people. Stuff does bring you joy that never would have before kids,

once you have kids. It's weird, isn't it? Like, if my mate didn't have kids and I went round the house and I was sat in the rain like that, I'd be like, you're right. But this lady here, I'd say, good on you. Can I join you? That looks lovely. Oh, honestly, the thought of just sitting in the rain now

is absolutely glorious. Anything, anything really that means you're in your own head is like nothing else, really, at this stage in the rain now is absolutely glorious anything anything really that means you're in your own head is like nothing else really at this stage in the game well that's what i found hard is because i i normally do the walks with the kids so i don't ever really get an like just to be in the house on my own for like an hour of just quiet that's what i'm missing of just nothing happening just this is why i started running. So everyone started running. The main reason I run is I'm just on my own. I'm just on my own. The glory of that.

Oh, not long now. Right. Glenn Smith. Go on, Glennie. Hi, chaps. Go on, Smitho. Smithy. Just a quick one.

Our four-year-old daughter had a good cry for at least an hour because she doesn't own a set of bagpipes. Cheers, Glenn. Yeah. I mean, he's kept it short, but that is exactly the kind of thing. We had a situation where we were taking our daughter out earlier to the park and just before going, she was like, can I have my blue gloves? And she doesn't own a pair of blue gloves.

But then you're in this situation, obviously it's sunny and hot, she doesn't need a pair of blue gloves. But you're in this situation where she's going to flip out if you don't source an item of clothing that you know isn't already in the house so you're looking for a pair of blue gloves in your house that she doesn't own for no reason i think it's weird i think the less time you spend at home right when you're working loads i'll be like okay well try and get you some blue gloves but now i've been at home all the time you less feel guilty about not being away working earlier yeah well the four-year-old just had a vest on and knickers another oh i'm cold and i went put something on then i'm like just get some toilet roll wrap it

around your legs if you go this is the thing with it it's like um i've actually got to the point where i quite enjoy those moments of putting my foot down on stuff because it's almost an outlet for me like when she didn't eat her dinner last night and I was like well you can't have anything else and that kind of I was like I'm doing it I'm actually doing it this is that's fine until like halfway through you decide to make that stand and then you go actually we did do their dinner at four o'clock an hour and a half earlier than normal and then you're like oh no because now you're letting them eat after dinner but it was your fault for doing dinner late and then you just sometimes i just like lease food

out that they take and then they'll feel like they're being naughty and i just pretend i haven't seen it and it's just like an unspoken thing but i know you can't have first just but then i just drop a couple of saw rings in the playroom are you feeding some birds navigating adulting isn't always easy you're not just working you're working late and dinner dates are all what's your five year plan and you're thinking paying off the bill for this fancy pants meal probably so when you need to break free from responsibility and experience something that feels more you reach for craft dinner because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love that's when it's gotta be kd when you gotta do you it's gotta be kd shop now whoa what are you

listening to this for wait who's talking you know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in, so you can change the music. Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a thousand dollar bonus for details visit your local ford store or ford.ca right this is from josh hughes hi guys uh i'm josh i've got a seven-year-old daughter called amelia and a four-year-old boy called jackson quick story a few years ago so so Amelia was about three and my work involves me

finishing at about 2am. So it's hard to get up early for me. Amelia has always had a fascination with my phone. And at the time I had an iPhone six, which has the fingerprint unlock function. This one morning I woke up and my three-year-old daughter, Amelia, had my phone in one hand and my thumb in the other. Amelia had my phone in one hand and my thumb in the other. Trying to unlock my phone whilst I was asleep so that she could watch YouTube. Oh, that's amazing. That's three.

So I didn't know whether to shout at her or congratulate her for her smarts. That's the thing. Because you want a kid that is going to be, and clever and really successful when they're grown up. You just don't want them like that when they're young. You don't want to be looking back on that story when the kid's doing a 10 stretch for robbing a bank and think, well, that was probably the first moment when I saw that they had this in them. Yeah, she's drugged his Horlicks at 2am.

Keep daddy sleepy. Let's get his thumb out. Right. Thank you for your correspondence. This is how to get in touch. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. Right. He is the man behind Taskmaster. He has genuinely got a mind like no one else I know.

How has he set that mind to lockdown parenting? This is Alex Horne. Hello, Alex Horne. How are you? I'm good, thank you, Josh. Hello, Josh. Hello, Rob. I'm fine. Thanks for doing this. Thanks for asking me. It'll fill another hour. Do you see this as a time away from the family?

Absolutely. Yeah. This is after lunch in homeschooling. So Rachel's taking over. Oh, so you're the morning teacher? Yeah. So she, my wife, does an early morning breakfast show. So I do the morning shift. What, in the house for the kids? Yeah, morning breakfast show. So I do the morning shift. What, in the house for the kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I do the news.

No, no, don't bother with travel. There's a sticky patch between the hallway and the kitchen. You think it's Ribena? She does, ironically, she does do the travel at the moment for Virgin Radio. So, yeah, i'm i'm morning teacher um what did you teach them this morning um i should i should know this that's an hour ago isn't it uh oh multiplying fractions and are they all different presumably your children uh they're all different ages yeah they're ages yeah so you're having to work at

different levels yeah so actually the school's quite good they send packages so you're mainly just saying right you're doing this you're doing that you're doing this so as long as they understand it you're fine but then when they ask you a question that's that's when you're onto google so what ages are you dealing with alex i'm dealing with seven and uh nine and ten. A bit of bit of chat back we're getting here. Yeah they're actually they're fine it's better than I think it's better than five or thirteen there's no exams it doesn't it doesn't matter if they don't learn anything it doesn't matter. I kind of have the view that there's never going to be a point when your child is 18 when you think well they

would have got into university but that 12 weeks i really let them down yeah i think they are they're sort of developing in different ways because they're spending so much time with us yeah and yeah there's some there's some good and you know and i feel a bit of guilt at how little time i spent with them in the last couple of years. So I'm quite enjoying it, if I'm honest. Yeah. You've got your own little office at the end of the garden. Is that still the situation? No, that's not the situation. About a month before lockdown, before we saw it coming, we converted that into a place for the kids.

They've got everywhere now. Oh my God. Oh Alex, that hurts. I checked everything in mine out. They've got everywhere now oh my god oh alex yeah i checked everything in mine out they've got a pool table and a pool table we've got pulled so i can use it you know obviously but i have to ask their permission now so there's no there's no refuge but except we have got this dog so that's and we we've told them they're not allowed out um of the house the children so we so we exercise the dog she's pretty good actually she's um she's a bit of a savior which i think that's a bit of a hackneyed thing to say but she's been uh you know if anyone's bored you just go

play with her or if they hurt that if they hurt their legs they mostly hurt their legs and then they go and play with her for a bit they hurt their legs or they all hurt their legs yeah i've got i've got a show on friday night on channel four where you wouldn't get away with uh complaining about this on that brook was sat there no grace nita grace actually my daughter was sick this morning she ate too many saurines in a row. I wasn't policing it properly. She ate four banana saurines and then was sick a whole saurine. What were the symptoms? The symptom was, well, she was just sick.

She just came out and said, I'm going to be sick. And then she basically regurgitated a whole, she's like a bird feeding her young, just a whole loaf onto the floor. And I said, did you eat that too quick? She went, yeah. And then she went and sat and watched Paw Patrol. So that's, no knees. Knees are fine, but throats are a bit sore at the moment in our house.

Are you struggling with the parenting, Alex, or do you think you're doing a good job of it? Oh, well, I don't think I am struggling. My problem is not knowing when it's going to end. If they go back to school after half term, then I'm fine with this. I'm enjoying to end if they go back to school after half term then i'm fine with this and i'm enjoying it if they go back to school in september then i've got a problem i think yes i think that everyone feels the same if it's first of june they're back in for half a term yeah we're good and they like just psychologically that's better and when we're kidding ourselves that this or not kidding us we're telling

ourselves that this is good for all of us and this is time we'll never have again with the kids. But if it's the whole summer. What point are you worried about then? It's kind of beginning of June. That's what you're hoping. You've set your hopes on. Yeah. Well, we've been sort of promised, I think,

that they will go back to school after half term. A few people around here know someone who knows someone who knows something. Yeah, who's probably done that? Is that Bart Johnson? We know someone who's talking to the cabinet because he provides school dinners for people. He's sort of in that industry.

And they've been told to get ready for then. So that's the intel that we've got. Oh, not only earnest, but a bit of insider info from the Hornstown. I would say that is good info, but a bit of insider info from the Hornstaff. I would say that is good info, but I had an insider, and a week in they told me that Prince Philip had died and they'd covered it up. Yeah, I've heard that as well.

So I'd take your school dinners guy with a pinch of salt, Alex. Yeah. So you're doing a pretty good job, judging by, like, do you think it's easier with the older children? Do you think if this had happened to you five years ago, Salt Alex. Yeah. So you're doing a pretty good job judging by like, is it, do you think it's easier with the older children? Do you think if this had happened to you five years ago, you'd been a different boat? I think so.

Yeah. I think it's quite easy to compare yourself to families you don't know about, but we find it easy having three kids. Cause there's always someone for them to play with. So they don't, they're not missing their mates that much. Yeah. Cause,

cause they're close in age. They're doing a lot of FaceTiming with their friends for the first time, and that's been really good. So, yeah, we're kind of all right. And we've also got a garden. Yeah, you feel sorry for single-parent families, single-child families, and people without a garden. It's got to be so tough.

And we can just, like you say, go on Amazon if they need something. We just, you know, we bought a paddling pool because it was sunny and they were bored. So we're trying to give them summer holidays. Do you not let them in the hot tub then? Shh. We were revealing too much. Was that the sound of you filling up the hot tub?

Paddling pool. Paddling pool. Big plastic paddling pool. I always thought you'd be really good at this homeschooling thing and looking after your kids stuff Alex because I've been to your house it's a lovely homely house and all the kids like they feel like sometimes you go to a house it just feels like the kids live here but like you know sort of like you can't imagine that they do but you've got a lovely home and also like from Taskmaster you're so creative and I imagine do you put together

challenges and games and stuff for them to do that they find fun or do they find you boring annoying dad a bit of both as in I don't put together games and they do find me annoying um I think people people do have high expectations of my parenting yeah um but actually because of all the so we're doing this thing home task and we're setting other people tasks to do in their homes but it's taking up so much my time i don't i don't do it with the kids but they don't really want to either they do get to watch a lot of stuff that comes in they they help me judge it so they you know it's more screen time but they yeah they enjoy all that they feel like they're part of it and they don't really want to do it so to be honest my involvement with them in the garden

it's just football football and cricket with some quite straight sport quite serious yeah really penalty shootouts um cricket which is all always ends in arguments uh and table tennis so you've got table tennis pool a paddling pool a hot tub you're basically living in trump tower yeah it's a david lloyd leisure center yeah it's between that and it's got a hint of, what's that? Centre parks as well. We're by the woods as well. So yeah, we've got it. We've got it.

And are you watching, you said the word screen time then? Are you worried about screen time? Yeah, we've been more generous than ever with it. They're doing, well, they've got half an hour a day each and then an hour a day each of the weekend on computer games and then probably an hour of telly as well so that's quite that's not that's not a lot at all is it no but quite often they

spread that out somehow they sort of can convince us that one of them had an hour of telly and then the other one's going to watch an hour of telly and they're going to watch the other one watching it i've worked out what's happened here you've invented these rules you never enforce yeah or stop they don't watch telly in the morning in in school time they do at the weekend but not and I've worked out what's happened here. You've invented these rules. You never enforce or stop. They don't wash telly in the morning in school time. They do at the weekend, but not... And that works quite well. Also, we got...

Just to boast about another thing I own. I'm all in here. They only get an hour a day on the zip wire, don't they? That's the thing. Well, I got given by Avalon, my management, a VR headset for my birthday last year oh my god are we interviewing drake or alexandre but that's been brilliant because they can sort of we're meant to go on holiday we couldn't go on holiday so we sort of you can put that on them and say

right take us to the isle of wight or thailand and uh and so that's it you've got a vr set let's go to the isle of wight anywhere in the world you go to space with those things but you go to the isle of wight you knowwhere in the world. You go to space with those things, but you go to the Isle of Wight. You know what we all did? As soon as we put it on, the first thing you say, because it's on Google Wander, you just say any address and all of us said our own address. We said the house that we were in. Completely pointless.

Of course you do, mate. We've heard what your house is containing. It's got more entertainment than any other house in the UK. You basically live in fun house i do feel like this is not gonna do good for my uh sort of persona my modest persona this man of the people persona yeah it's a facade it's a facade is it a facade um and how's your wife dealing with it so she's having to get up what is rachel working from home yeah she's up at five so she sneaks downstairs and the front room is her studio, which is where I am now, which is why you can hear me because she's got all her equipment.

So she does that till 10 and then she does yoga till half 10. And then I don't know what she does. Oh, she does cleaning. She cleans the house. We've got a pretty stereotypical relationship. Then she cooks lunch and then she takes over the teaching so I can do podcasts and tell everyone what I own. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of

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or stressed no occasionally you feel that slight desperate that sort of pent-up desperation you haven't i haven't turned right out of our house it's turning turning right into the town where we live and turning left into the into the woods and i haven't turned right for a month i think so yeah but what are you doing foraging for food sending my wife to forage for food thank you she does the shopping because she does the cooking and this this this work this stereotypical life and it's like you don't do anything it seems yeah she's working as well in the morning it's not like the stereotypical 50s housewife she's grafting and then does everything else. I'm doing a barbecue tonight. Who's got the food? Rachel.

Who's cooking the salad? Yeah, no, yeah, I get your point. I do every morning. I get the kids up. Yeah. How's that working out for you? She's at work, to be fair. I do the washing up.

Oh, well done. No dishwasher? Yeah, I load the dishwasher and I unload the dishwasher. Of course you do. Don't start pretending you ain't got a dishwasher come on chuck them in the hot tub no i do do things i think i do things do you cook dinner or does rachel do dinner no i don't cook dinner um no no i don't do a lot we yeah we aren't yeah it's not i think normally you are out doing Taskmaster almost, you know, five days a week. Yeah, thank you. Grafting.

Grafting. Yeah, you know, putting 20, you know, rubber ducks on top of a wall and making someone whip them off, something like that. Those clipboards are heavy you hold. They do. That looking you do, that looking, just looking at someone doing things, knackering. And are the kids enjoying it?

Yeah, yeah. Obviously they're of an age where they understand what's happening. We haven't told them. You haven't told them? We just told them that school is fit. No, we have told them. But we haven't. It'd be great not to have told them.

But we haven't sat them down in front of the news they haven't seen anything particularly upsetting we do the applauding and all that so they and they've raised a bit of money for the energy you know little bits and bolts here and there some of their pocket money so they're sort of aware of it but we've not we're trying to make this a happy thing for them yeah yeah so no they're loving it they're honestly loving it and we did that there's an april fools going around with a screenshot of bbc news and the schools are open again and we oh yeah we played that trick on them and they were pretty pretty annoyed um so i think i think that's a nice reflection though they're happier being at home than at school i think that's that's fine probably yeah and do you think when it comes to the end of

it in june which you've confirmed obviously because you've got the man on the inside, they're going to be sad to kind of go back to school? Well, if it's half a summer term, then I think they'll be fine. They'll have, you know, sports day. One of ours is leaving school. He's in year six, so he's going to secondary school. He'll have his end of school leave and stuff. So I think it's a pretty good time to go back.

They won't do any work, I don't think. It could be ideal. Yeah, I think they'll have to do that as well, because especially with like the A-levels and GCSEs, the school's never four in secondary school, that in that term anyway, people are coming and going for exams and mocks. So it would be a sort of more like a softer reintroduction.

Yeah, and I think we will so love, if we're still not going to work and the kids are going to school, to finally have the house back. Oh, go. That's like ear porn. If we're still not going to work and the kids are going to school, to finally have the house back would be incredible. That's like ear porn. Yeah, I'm sort of dreading 2021. I'm dreading the amount of fun we're meant to be having in that year

and the amount of social things we're meant to go to. Yeah, I'm not that bothered about, you know, everyone goes, oh, do you want to go to big parties and see everyone? And I'm not that bothered about that. I just want to be in my house on my own. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not good.

I'm not desperate for a street party. I just want to be able to go to Pizza Express. No. And even things like the Euros will be that year. And then the World Cup, the following year, I kind of need a year off between these big sporting events. It will be celebrating winning the Euros.

And then we'll be straight into trying to double up with the World Cup. As a Liverpool fan, Alex, how worried are you about the football season being cancelled? Or Liverpool winning it behind closed doors, therefore really

invalidating the title? Yeah, it's going to be tarnished I think in some ways. Although they will, I think it will be legendary. There'll be an asterisk somewhere I think next to this title. It's definitely going to be tarnished, I think, in some ways. Although they will, I think it will be legendary. There'll be an asterisk somewhere, I think, next to this title. How will it be?

It's definitely going to be worse if you can't be there to watch and lift it. It will be worse. But what I'm saying is if it ends early and they don't give it to them, then they will be the team that got the most ever point lead. Yeah. They'll go down in history in some way or the other. But, yeah, no, it's a shame. It's mainly a shame because

the amount of WhatsApp jokes I get sent still every day. Would you prefer the season to be cancelled or the summer term to be cancelled? Summer term. I can't have them not win it.

So you'd put Liverpool's championship ahead of the educational welfare of your children? Yeah, and my own summer. I just... They can't not... They can't not win it. Okay, what if these two series of Taskmaster gets postponed till next year?

Right, or Liverpool. And no, yeah. It's tough. I think your line's gone, Alex. I can't hear you. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I can't answer that.

We've made you sadder on this chat. You were full of beans at the start, and now we just remind you of all the bad stuff. It is made you sadder on this chat. You were full of beans at the start. Now we just remind you of all the bad stuff. It is the one thing that is upsetting me. I'm really missing a goal going in in any game. Because it's unpredictable. Everything now is so predictable because we know what's going to happen,

except for what's actually going to happen in the world. But there's none of those moments of hearing a score. Also, it's predictable for you because you've got this guy on the inside who's giving you all the info two months ahead. Can I confess something? When you first said about that, you said this guy talking to a cabinet, I immediately thought of, who's this lunatic who's talking to a wall? Cupboard type thing. And then it's like, oh, yeah, you know, the government.

Okay, yeah. Because I've never known anyone who would... You can't have thought that, Rob. My first thought, and then I pulled back, because I've never known anyone who would... You can't have thought that, Rob. My first thought, and then I pulled back, because from my world, I would know more people that speak to a cabinet than the cabinet. It's taken you 20 minutes to admit that.

Yeah, but I thought it's only fair, because there'll be people listening that did the same as me. I mean, it is a strange word. No-one really sort of asks why it's called a cabinet. Yeah, if i just be honest yeah no it's fair enough i i love the idea that you've been sitting on that for 20 minutes thinking well you know what to say i felt so stupid because obviously it's not a cabinet it's the cabinet but i don't know i was just thinking yeah but i'd probably be able to find

someone i know that has spoken to a cabinet in one of their lower moments then have access to someone who actually talks to the cabinet if i I said I knew someone at number 10, would you think it was just a number? Just a bit of a matter? So do I, mate. Karen lives at number 10 down by her own. Let's stop showing off. Alex, are you hearing from your friends

without children and how kind of, say someone like, I don't know, you're good friends with Tim Key. Do you hear about their different lifestyles? I do. Yeah, Tim and Greg Davis I speak to quite often. And they've got similar lives to each other and couldn't be more different from me, I think.

They're both in a flat and they're both isolating pretty exclusively. I don't think they've seen anyone in a month. And I think it's probably grass is greener territory yeah um but they're they're both being pretty organized with their time and they're getting a lot of writing done i i yeah i think i'm more envious of them than they are of me yeah i think my my envy for people who not not that obviously the caveat of the whole podcast is parenthood is a is a constant joy and obviously I love my family. But there is part of you that goes

the amount of stuff I'd be getting done. Yeah. But it's that thing that because I've only got four hours a day I do use that fairly wisely whereas Tim's got 24 hours a day so he watches a lot of telly he has three or four baths a day I think. What a man.

So I put off and phone him and he's watching something from mexico 86 or that sort of thing in the bath yeah so i think time does go slower for him probably yeah well he's only reached 1986 yeah i'd say he's not not enjoying it i think he's he's getting stuff done but you have to you have that worry like you guys are doing this podcast and i'm doing this home tasking you want to be relevant somehow and you want to be using it yeah you want to come out and think oh i'm glad i got that done which i haven't yeah did you have any plans beforehand that you'd now look back on us like i had this plan um the first day i tidied one of the kitchen cupboards and i and then i said to rose all I'm going to need to do is just tidy

one small cupboard a day. And then by the end of lockdown, the house is going to be absolutely perfect. Yeah. And I haven't touched another cupboard since. Yeah, when they give us this deadline of, right, in three weeks you're out, there's going to be real panic cupboard tidying,

isn't there? I still haven't managed to clean my windows right because i i've got like a part of my brain doesn't exist for practical stuff right i've tried to clean my windows twice both times i've made them dirtier i don't know what i've done but i come away from it and i go, are they all right, Lou? And she goes, they're dirtier. I went, they are, aren't they? I've not done that. Yeah, I suppose I've got bits and bobs on that. My plan was to teach the kids to type.

I thought touch typing is a good skill. Yeah. And I looked up a programme the first day and that's been sort of hovering. That's not going to happen. That's definitely not going to happen. I think I was going to try to learn the glockenspiel. Amazing. Yeah.

My granddad is 95, right? And he's locking down on his own. And he's decided he's going to learn Welsh at 95. Yeah, there are better choices to be made on that. How's he getting on with it well i don't know i didn't i i i'll be honest i haven't replied to the email i should have done that oh you've got to translate it first haven't you um alex if you obviously you're getting your work done a bit like for example if um people are allowed out like your kids and wife weren't in the house for a day

and um you weren't allowed to do work you know because it's a day off what would be your day of just to yourself what would you be doing if i had the house to myself so i'm in the house but they're not here they're not here yeah they've just been made invisible for a day and then they come back the next day right because lockdown's still going on what you do um i'm sleeping in i'm definitely doing that what time till well later than nine. I can't sleep much later than nine anymore. So I'm getting to nine if I can, but I'm going back to bed after lunch. I'm eating a lot of food.

I'm having a fry up. I think I'm getting drunk in the morning and then sleeping it off. Bloody Mary with the fry up? Yeah. Yeah, I'm having a stag night, I think, by myself in the house. I'm taking myself down. Yeah, i think i would get really drunk i haven't been really drunk yet yeah because you sort of regret it in the way it feels a bit stupid in the morning when you've

had a few can i say i got one of the most drunk i've ever been earlier in lockdown i was on zoom with a few mates i had eight pints and half a bottle of whiskey didn't realize i was doing it because i didn't move from my chair and when you're in a pub you realize you're drunk because you've got to get a cab home or whatever or I just didn't realize it was happening and I was sick and then I blacked out and I went to bed I woke up next day at 10 a.m and I just it felt amazing because it all felt different for a bit okay it felt like I had a hangover so it was a that was a little bit of a worry but I haven't done it every night since every other no but i've done that once and it it was awful the next day being

hung over but being hung over allowed you to do something else the one time i got really drunk you know when you get drunk normally and you're worried about what did you do and you can't kind of trace it and you look at your texts or whatever Yeah. And the only evidence was that, you know, the last channel I'd left it on was Sky Sports Cricket. So I'd obviously just got really drunk and then just watched an old cricket match. So rubbish. It's such a rubbish way to enjoy your drunkenness.

I did get quite, we did a Zoom chat and I got quite drunk with Rachel and then she went to bed and I cleared up drunk. So I had to move. You know, you have your Zoom set up with your laptop on a thing. So it's a bit unnatural. We were on a sofa with a table in front of it.

So I moved the table but it was covered in glasses and wine. So that all fell off. So then I cleaned myself up and cleaned the room up and broke the glass and cut my leg. And the next morning there was blood and glass and children in the room.

Wow. Yeah. Because that's the thing. Normally you can just shut that door. And then when you get up the next day to go to school, you just get rid of them, chuck them to school. Then you can sort the blood out. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Well, I think I thought I had. I cleaned up most of it, but there were pools of blood and quite a few, you know, massive chunks of glass that I'd missed. That's not the only pool you've got, is it? Or did you fill that in for the tennis court? We've not got a pool, not got a tennis court. No, I'm joking.

I don't know what you're talking about. Sorry, Alex. It's funny because Alex does have, you know, it's a nice house, but it's just a very normal family home. And we've tried to make it out like it's some sort of LA complex. Yeah, I would say we do own a lot of stuff, but it's that guilt, a parent's guilt, trying to give your kids all the things.

And then you think, oh God, we've spoiled them by giving them all the things. But also you want them to be the best kids. You want them to be popular. I think as well, because when they get old enough to go out drinking and stuff, you want to go, yeah, just have pre-drinks at our house, get a bun in, and then, you know, they're in your house safe. You gave me for my wedding, and it's gone down very well with my daughter,

is a smoke machine. Yeah, that's our standard gift. Is that your standard gift? It's 40th, 50th and weddings we give out smoke machines. It's a we give out smoke machines because you only use it probably once a year or something but you know what's what what it's good for is when you join a zoom meeting we've done this once if you if you set up a disco light and a smoke machine for just a normal you can do it for a saturday night but just a normal work meeting it's quite funny rob you always have a question at the end. So the question is, what has been your highlight and low light of lockdown?

One moment when you thought, this is amazing, actually. I'm loving this. And a point where you just thought, I can't do this. Yeah. Okay. It's a great question, Rob. It's two questions, I'd say. Okay.

I've got a good one for like a genuine good moment. I mean, what tends to happen in our house you have a moment of euphoria thinking isn't this wonderful being as a family and then within an instant you're shouting at one of them because he's hit one of the other ones but so i'm trying to think of our lowest moment i spoke one of the one of the low moments is is not having any time without the kids there's not a lot of husband and wife time yeah yeah um but that's just sort of but we've sort of accepted that now like it's like we's not a lot of husband and wife time. Yeah. But that's just sort of, but we've sort of accepted that now.

Like, it's like we're in a sort of monastery or something. And I think once you've accepted it, it's okay. We sort of moved on from that. You've made your point. Can't you just nip down to the pool table room when they're in bed? I think even then there's a worry because they're old enough to wander around and imagine that yeah the threat of that is enough

um my height my highlight though is something i've done which i recommend you do i bought a um a hunting camera it's a camouflage camera you leave outside tied to a tree and um and it's a motion sensor thing so if if an animal runs past it it takes a picture of it so we've we're sort of near the woods so we've tied it to a tree which looks over the woods and every saturday we look at what animals have come by oh that is good and we've had deer and foxes and stuff and it's genuinely that's one that's one of those things you think, yes, I've done a good job as a dad. Yeah. Oh, that's a fun thing to look forward to.

Yeah. We wouldn't have done that without the lockdown. So that felt good. And I would hate for you and Rachel to be going down the pool room and get caught on the camera. That would be the worst. Daddy, what's this? What animal's that?

It only filmed in 10 seconds first. So that would be, yeah, that would be it, I think. 20 seconds. That would be your nickname at uni, wouldn't it? Alex, thank you so much. I do apologise that we've made you out to be... Some sort of sex-starved billionaire. I could only say that wasn't the intention of the interview.

The intention of the interview was to make Rob feel better about how bad it's going for him. And I think he lashed out. Yeah, I think I've lashed out because you seem to be absolutely nailing it, Alex, and I'm jealous. Well, I think there's no point pretending anything, is there? So I think it's worse when you have all these celebrities

complaining about lockdown. You might as well rejoice in it if it's going all right, I suppose. Also, we give loads of money to charity, guys. Over nine-tenths of what I earn goes out. Great. Bill Gates. Thank you, Alex. You are a good man. Pleasure.

And I hope that your main hope of lockdown, that Liverpool win the league, does come to pass. Thanks, Alex. OK, bye, everyone. Bye-bye. So, Rob, that was recorded a couple of weeks ago. How are you feeling about the return of sport? Did you watch at the weekend the Bundesliga?

Yes, I put it on, but I found it boring. Because it was German football or because there was no crowd? No crowd, no atmosphere. And I think not just because you can't hear them, it feeds into the performance of the players. They're not allowed to celebrate properly. They've got to do elbow taps. It felt like a pre-season, even though there's a lot to play for.

So it'll be even weirder, the Premier League coming back, when there's nothing to play for. It's going to be a very weird period. Obviously, this is away from lockdown parenting chat, but it doesn't really need to come back. It does feel very surreal to me. Just say Liverpool were champions, but the season didn't finish at that point.

We had to stop it because of a worldwide pandemic. They won. Whoever was in those positions went down. That's it. It's quite simple. That's what's happened to Plymouth, and we're going up. Plymouth are going up. So I'm absolutely delighted by it.

But I do feel a bit sorry. I used to be quite happy that Liverpool weren't going to get all the glory, but when I speak to nice fans like Alex, I feel a bit bad for them because it's something you've waited for. Ha ha!

Never mind! Oh dear! Never mind! If you want to get in touch with the show, then this is how. Email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast and rate and review it.

Five star rating, please. And you can give us a little bit of feedback that's always nice isn't it and tell your friends fine also there's loads of people i've got a couple of mates from home josh that about three years ago didn't know what podcast or uber was but i got them into it right there are people like you've got your like your mom or your cousin your aunt or whatever just grab their phone download it stick it on their phone because you'll know they like it but they can't work their phone. So do that and add them in.

Exactly. Let them get the joy and relatability and relax about their parenting. Exactly, because the radio is too heavy these days. All the news on the radio, obviously, understandably, it's not a laugh. No. This is a laugh.

Yeah. Just think less and listen to this. Think less. Think less, do more and listen to this think less think less do more listen to this that's what I say right see you next week

see you next week bye