Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S01 EP9: Alan Davies

Episode Date: May 26, 2020

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' - S01 EP9: Alan DaviesJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lock down and beyond is the brilliant comedian and actor, Alan Davies. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Open an account today at Questrade.com. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills...

Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with me... Rob Bettica. Rob Bettick. And...

Joel. Pretty good. Lovely. Pretty impressed with that one. That is Noah, age four, who this week has learned to count to six in French. Absolute show off. Good on him, though.

Yeah, well done. But don't be that person that goes and sees war rules at the theatre and laughs at all the French bits. count to six in French. Absolute show off. Good on him, though. Yeah, well done. But don't be that person that goes and sees War Rules at the theatre and laughs at all the French bits, even though it's not funny, just to show off

you know French, okay? He's also gone a full week without saying that he wants to kill me. Oh, great. Which is a real bonus for his mum, Hayley. But he has been saying

it in Russian, which makes it feel even more terrifying. Rob, big news. Potty training has begun. Not even our doing, really. She just decided she didn't want to wear a nappy. That was it.

They were gone. Liberating. So we got the potty. She got off to an absolute flyer. Piss on day one. Two shits day two. I couldn't believe it. Unbelievable. Yeah, piss on day one, two shits day two i couldn't believe it unbelievable yeah piss on day one two shits day two nothing in the five days since i don't know what happened oh no she peaked too soon so now right you know you've got the problem of like piss and shit everywhere we've got the

opposite absolute desert she's now caught she doesn't like nappies but she's now got like stage fright so now she's just holding on until she puts her nappy on for the nap so she's she's caught between two different worlds and she's not comfortable in either of them so the nappy after the nap is just an absolute war zone it's not difficult to get her to go up for a nap because finally she can have a piss for the first time in four hours but we're not we don't want to go back to the nappy stage because we've been told that once you start you don't want to go back yeah so i just don't know what to do about is this a normal thing do you know what i was sitting there just thinking and how has my life got to this point i was thinking i'd love her to do a piss and shit on the floor at this moment i would absolutely punch

the air if she did a shit on the floor at this moment. Wow, I never knew that my situation would be enviable. Yeah, it's like I would kill. I'm so sorry. But at least you know it's all going down there now. You know, like, what's that film where Tom Hanks is not able to get into either country, stuck in the terminal? The terminal.

So she's in the terminal between two countries. Like an endless limbo. You're desperate for us to put the terminal. The terminal. So she's in the terminal between two countries. Like an endless limbo. You're desperate for us to put the floor. I just want to apologise for my privilege. She's been shitting all over my floor and I've not realised the trouble that people are going through. You don't know how lucky you are, man.

I don't know how lucky I am. No, exactly, mate. Some people are born lucky. Some people have a child that can shit on the floor. Oh, so now, and then obviously she holds it in again for night time nappy. Yeah, exactly. So and then obviously she holds it in again for nighttime nappy. Yeah, exactly. So there's nothing

happening at all? No. Wow. Well, she's looking like she needs to go to the toilet and she's getting increasingly irritable. I was like,

do you want to sit on your potty? And then she was like, will you sit on the potty? And I was like, yeah, fine. So I sat on the potty and she was like, no, take your shorts down.

I'm like, I'm not fucking doing that. That would be great content for Insta. Like that's the kind of thing which would stick with her and she'd remember and tell some psychologist when she's 25. Oh, I tell you what sort of worked with us a little bit, because she does all the wheeze now in the potty.

It's just poos are a bit liberal with where they go. You can get these set of steps. It's a seat that goes on the toilet yeah so it's like a big potty rather than an actual potty and then she can climb up and sit down so if you let her pick one or pick a new potty off like the internet and then she's a bit more excited about it coming then she's got her own special big girl potty oh that's a good idea so that might be a good way of doing it because she obviously knows what's going on and it's good though that she's holding it and being able to because mine does just does a wee every like 20 minutes because we keep asking but it's

good that she can hold it how much how much liquid are you putting in it is she on a drip what's going on well no but loads of little ones she'll do it for the attention so she'll do a tiny little like dribble go i've done a wee wee because she's a bit i think she's knows she should be doing the poo but she can't really control it yet. So she's a bit embarrassed now. So we're trying to make sure I don't feel embarrassed. But yeah, try and get her to pick a potty. Once you're potty training, you're potty training. That's the rule, really, isn't it?

Yeah, I don't think you can go back now. And also, this is a good time to do it because you are just indoors all the time. If you're on the tube or if you're on a train or going on holiday somewhere, do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. It's just frustrating to watch her walking around unable to go. But there's only so many times you can ask her whether she wants to

get the potty right exactly which is she'll learn just or when are you stopping her nap well hopefully never i wouldn't say i'm racing to stop her nap no don't does it get just just get shorter and shorter until it disappears which is like one day it's gone uh yeah a little bit like that my second one hardly had any nap at all because she the older one wasn't having a nap so they just keep each other awake i mean so it just sort of just slowly goes i'll keep you updated yeah but there's two shits oh i forgot to tell you about when she did her first poo in the potty so i was working upstairs uh i was doing a last leg Zoom meeting. So with like 12 people in it. And I get a text from my wife and it's like a photo of it,

which I don't think is necessary. I'd have believed it. There's no need for the photographic evidence. And she was like, oh, she wants to show you. And I'm like, well, I can't just leave the meeting. I've got to look at a shit. Imagine you're sorry, guys. I'll be back in a minute, um i just need to look at a shit

that i need to go down and applaud right we've got any letters joshua yes it's the lockdown parent in mailbag but it's actually emails and there's no bag so this is from brett davis, both. Thanks for the therapeutic podcast. Until listening to you two, I thought I was the only parent not baking banana bread. Anyway, I thought you might be interested in my parenting low. Ten weeks into the lockdown, my 10-year-old's body clock is completely out of whack. He insists on staying up later and later every night. This means that lately, my wife and I aren't even getting that precious hour of child-free quiet at the end of the day.

At 11 p.m. last night, my son said it wasn't fair that he had to go to bed if I was staying up. So eventually I pretended I was turning in just to get him to settle down. I wanted a bit of time to myself, but I couldn't use the living room as it's right next to my son's room and my wife was already sleeping in our bedroom. So I hatched a brilliant plan. Five minutes later, my son gets up to have a pee and walks in the bathroom to find his dad sitting on the toilet, iPad in one hand,

bottle of whiskey in the other. Daddy, what are you doing? I desperately scramble for some possible explanation. The woman made me look like a complete wreck of a human being and in the end settled for the truth. I'm watching France v Brazil from the 1986 World Cup.

On the toilet in a bottle of whiskey. Oh, mate. I thought it couldn't get much worse, but this morning my son asked my wife, Mum, did you know that Daddy watches videos in the toilet by himself when we're asleep? Oh, that is a low moment. It's great to hear those low moments yeah it makes you feel better it does make you feel better the bottle of whiskey is the bleakest bit about it yeah i just

think consuming anything where people defecate is always a no-no what about a cup of tea on the toilet would you do that no i don't really engage in any eating or drinking on the toilet i mean it's not like it's not all floating around it's not it's not going into the tea i know but i'm very much export rather than import when i'm on the toilet fair enough and you've got the same role for the kitchen haven't you you don't like to shit in the kitchen no i don't actually just my daughter does that's it it's a strict role talk about that like when we went to disneyland we went disneyland paris for the two kids which was the most fun we've ever had as a family but the most tiring as well right the end of the day you're so exhausted.

You've got backpacks on. You're like, just your feet are knackered. Anyway, it was in this hotel room that was two double beds. So the kids were both in one double bed, and then we had another double bed. But we had to try and be quiet. But they went to bed at like 7 o'clock at night. So we just used to sit by the hotel door with a bottle of red wine each,

drinking from the bottle. And just sat on the floor by the hotel door with a bottle of red wine each, drinking it from the bottle. And just sat on the floor by the door, just drinking and on our phones, whispering or WhatsAppping each other. And you just think, I've paid so much money for this. I mean, but what can you do? You can't leave the hotel room. No, exactly.

Because I read that when Michael Owen joined Rail Madrid, he'd had that. So he lived in a hotel room. Yeah. And at 7pm, he just used to sit in the dark because of his children. I mean, to be honest, if I play for Real Madrid, I'd probably get an adjoining room. Or at least a suite. Do you know what I mean?

He's very tight, clearly. He's obviously a tight man. If you want to get in touch, this is how. Email us, hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk or we're on Twitter at lockdownparents. Hello, darlings. This is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt.

Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st,

streaming on Disney+. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinic streaming on Disney+. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Josh, I'm very excited this week. Our guest, Alan Davis. He's one of my comedy heroes. Genuinely an absolutely brilliant comedian. We both owned his VHSs when we were growing up urban trauma oh absolute bank my mum actually because i told her alan was on the show sent me i've got this if you want it and it's the cd version of it as well oh wow wow snap up next time i'm down there but yeah it's brilliant very underrated stand-up comedian so i think people know him from like jonathan creek and

qi and stuff but as a stand-up is he's brilliant. So, yeah, very excited about this one. And also, he's very happy to moan about his three children. Perfect. This is Alan Davis. Alan Davis, how are you? I'm okay, Josh. I don't know how I am, actually. I haven't got anyone to sort of gauge it against, apart from the same four people day in, day out.

All of whom are more upbeat than me. But that's partly because three of them are sort of 10 and under. They have amazing, who was it who coined the term bounce-back ability? These kids, they just bounce back like a dog. Everything's a nightmare and then one tube of smart is later and they're back in the room. And I'm not like that. I have kind of longer term dips and troughs that go over months, years.

Have you tried Smarties? I haven't tried them. Also, I slightly alarm myself by saying dips and troughs. And I think that slightly tells you where I am. I'm thinking of like a series of dips and troughs. That's never a peak. Never a peak. Just like, oh, this trough's a bit shallower than it was yesterday.

That's nice. What's it set up there, Alan? We're at home with Katie and I with a 10 and 8 and a 4-year-old. And the 10 and 8-year-old, I bought them little laptops. And so the temptation, my eight-year-old's discovered how to draw videos on YouTube. Yeah. And he's obsessed with drawing.

I was going to say the helmets of Star Wars characters, but I stopped myself because it sounded... It sounded right. It sounded slightly alarming. Like some lights going off at Operation U-Tree, if I say that. Well, I mean, of course, the protective facewear of Star Wars characters. And so he's been doing a lot of that.

We're trying to get him back onto his virtual classroom. But they're all right. They're not too bad. Thank God we've got a garden and we can go out. And we feel, actually, that we've got off very, very lightly in this pandemic. Yeah. So what's your schedule for the

day we're getting getting up in the mornings well the four-year-old uh he clocks on about 605 and he doesn't care how late i've been up drinking wine and watching the last dance he thinks i've got very important work to do around the hungry hippo sport or I can't imagine you're a morning person, Alan. That's just no choice. Clockwork. They are like clockwork. And then the other two, how grumpy they are when they come down about doing any schoolwork in the morning dictates

how the morning's going to go. Then after lunch, it all falls apart. It's all over. Gene Fyne, with the four-year-old, no matter how late you put them to bed, they will still get up at five past six? There's no change of the waking up? No, I do know some people who had kids and they say,

oh, no, we keep them with our timetable. We didn't want to give up things. So, you know, they go to bed about 11, 12. None of ours could last to 11. No. They'd be asleep on a bed of nails at half past seven. The 10-year-old now is getting a bit twitchy about having to go to bed the same time as a four-year-old,

but she doesn't know any different. I think I was watching Starsky and Nuts when I was 10, but I haven't told her that. I remember this. I watched the day before my first day in year seven, so I would have been 11. Is it 11? You guys are 11.

I watched the pilot of The Sopranos. Wow. Were you one of the people that gave them a series? Is that who you were? Yeah, I was 11. I watched the pilot of The Sopranos. Wow. Were you one of the people that gave them a series? Is that who you were working for HBO? Yeah, I was a commissioner. I worked for HBO when I was 11. It's been downhill since then. But what would you let a 10-year-old watch?

What's a 10-year-old allowed to watch? Well, it's tricky because a 10-year-old, she's scared of almost all films. In fact, any kind of theatrical experience. And I put it down to, I went to the Shaw Theatre when she was under three for a pantomime and it was Jack and the Beanstalk. And the lights went down.

And I'm sure you know the Shaw Theatre. When it goes black in there, it's pitch. So she's already frightened about the dark. And then over the PA, this voice went, fee, fie, foe,fum and about 50 kids burst into tears all around me with kids screaming and crying and then the lights came up and some girl I knew she was from EastEnders or something come out hello boys and girls and they we had to leave she was already why would you do fee-fi-fo-fum in the dock before it started get the girl out

with a couple of dances, then do the beans, then do the bean stalk, then he comes in later when they're feeling secure. And that traumatised that kid. And then I took her to the cinema to see something, some animated something, and it was so deafening in the trailers. She was in tears,

and I had to go and get a refund. So she cannot tolerate. She won't even watch Toy Story 4. And the four-year-old's going, it's really good tolerate. She won't even watch Toy Story 4. And the four-year-old's going, it's really good. And she won't even look at it. And the other year-old's going, when can I watch Avengers Endgame? And I'm saying, I think it's a little bit, I don't know. All my mates have seen it.

I want to see it before it's out of date. There'll be another one along in a minute. I don't know. It's quite violent. There's loads of death. There's no jokes. It goes on forever. Let's stick with the PG for a while.

Just go to the Edinburgh Fringe if you want that. Come and watch me and your mum after you've gone to bed. Having a disagreement. If you want the end game. The Infinity War. How do you split up the responsibilities with the kids in the house at the moment? Because are you still working or are you doing stuff?

I'm doing the Tuesday Club My Arsenal podcast, which is about the only thing I've got going and I'm trying to write a book. But really, everything's closed for me. I'm sure you know what it's like because without a live audience, we're in trouble, aren't we? I've written a memoir, which comes out September, and I'm trying to follow it up with a novel,

but it's really difficult to get anything much done. Yeah, it's difficult to say you're going to go and do eight hours of novel writing, isn't it, when there's three kids under the same roof, I think. Eight minutes would be an achievement. And for a while, I was deluding myself that Katie and I were kind of halving it, you know, and it's absolutely not the case.

She's basically running the whole shit. And the best I can do is put a wash on last thing at night and hang it up. That is really my contribution. I did hoover the bedroom and then I look back and thought, well, I've hoovered the bedroom and realised that that is all I've done in nine weeks. So I should be ashamed of myself and I am.

But with the kids, we kind of mix it up. Basically, one of you has to stay with the kids until you're about to lose it and then hand over it. It's more like tag wrestling. Yes! That's so true! I ran away from them the other morning. They kept jumping on me, and I didn't know what to do,

and I was getting so angry. I just ran upstairs and jumped. Lou was having a line and got under the covers, and Hilda went, I can't deal with it. And they chased me upstairs. Oh, that's one thing about kids. They will always find you. You know that scene in Jurassic Park where they're all hiding

from the velociraptors and the velociraptors are inches away and they can't find them. If you combined a velociraptor with a four-year-old, there'd be no humans left. Do they look after each other at all like do they get on and is it helpful having three to look after each other or are they three different problems in themselves it is helpful having the three it's i wasn't keen on the third one until he until he arrived i thought it was a bad idea i thought it's going to put a lot of strain on everybody all concerned and it did he's a he's joy, really, although he's also a menace

because he's got to sort of up his game to play with his eight-year-old brother, which he does all the time, and up in his game involves wielding a bamboo cane, the terrifying kind of impersonation of Darth Maul, and we do have to sort of come between them to stop them hurting one another, partly because we live near to the Royal Free Hospital where they, the first, it seems like a lifetime ago,

the first COVID-19 case in the country, and we'd seem like a sort of, ooh, it's a novelty, we've got one back in those days. And then for a while, no one wanted to go near the Royal Free Hospital or any hospital, and to the extent that people were sort of home treating themselves for heart failure. So we're trying not to, you know, please don't break your leg.

I've said that a few times. The last place we want to go is the Royal Free. I mean, we say things like that. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Re you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis?

My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor, or visit Rebelsis.ca

Order up for Rebelsys. so when you need to break free from responsibility and experience something that feels more you reach for craft dinner because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love that's when it's got to be kd when you got to do you it's got to be kd shop now and do you do a lot of the homeschooling that alan or is your wife do it or do they do it down the line how does that work you they send them lessons that they can click on and it works quite well the kids preferred it when things didn't load or if we printed them off for they were the wrong size for the page and they loved it when it all went wrong and then but then it's sort of sorted itself out now and starting to think that like like a lot of work people how much do they actually have to go to school they seem to be able to do most of the learning here if they could just go

to school for playtime and lunchtime my mastery of the times tables has come come in handy because katie cannot do that i cannot if i say to eight sevens just a look in her face as if she's about to have a head on on the m1 so you're in charge of maths i'm in charge of maths i'm having my ninth cup of coffee of the day no are you honestly so tired i am so exhausted with it my mate the other day we did the shoesley club podcast and my mate tyers started talking about cold war steve yeah i don't know if you know that is but he's a montage artist a collage artist right and i didn't know i don't know if you know who that is, but he's a montage artist, a collage artist, right? And I didn't know who he was because he's at home on his own and he's taken up collage making because that's how much time he's got on his own.

And there's a kind of twin lockdown going on with people like that. Collage is on leaps and bounds across the country. Meanwhile, there are families on the brink. I'm barely washing. I barely have time for a shower. I get up and put on exercise clothes, don't exercise, and then just go to bed. The other day, on Saturday, I had a shower at 4.48 in the afternoon.

No one has a shower at 4.48. That's when final scores are. Sometimes, the day seems so long, they'll be sitting there having tea, and I'll have some vague recollection of breakfast and think of it as a fortnight ago. Was it this morning that I tried to cook those mackerel and they were off?

Yeah, that was this morning. Alan, it's ten to two, and you're on your ninth coffee. Will there be more? To be fair, five of them went cold, and I had to bin them. That was my one tip when my brother, when I was having a kid, I said, what would be your one tip? And he said, get one of those cups that keeps your hot drinks warm because you'll always be leaving hot drinks around the house.

So now I have like a thermos-y style cup. Good tip. Also, with the lid on, they are less likely to pour it on their own face. Oh, yeah, obviously I didn't want to maim my children as well. That was the other bonus. But the main one is it keeps my tea warm so that I don't get pissed off. Well, the hot drink is a great way of not having to look after your kids

when they're really little. Because if they're about to do something, pull something, you go, I've got a tea, quick, quick, quick. And then you sort of send someone to go and grab them. That's very true. My next drink, hot drink, hot drink, hot drink.

Yeah, hot drink, you do that. And then everyone runs and does whatever you say. Or my father-in-law does, a glass of wine, I've got a hot drink, you do that. And then everyone runs and does whatever you say. Or my father-in-law does, a glass of wine. I've got a glass of wine. I might start saying it in that tone, but just go, I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered. You go, I can't be bothered. I hate it.

I don't want to do it. I hate it. Our electrics went out the front. We had to have this electrician round. And I was so tired and bored of people talking at me. He started trying to tell me, and I went, are you listening? And Lou went, you're not listening. And in front of the electrician, I went to her,

I just don't care about it, Lou. I don't care. I don't care about the electrics. I'm just happily sitting in darkness if I've got left alone. How's food going? Are you cooking? There are a lot of meals to be done that or do all the kids eat the same stuff and same stuff as you yeah they're pretty good

they're pretty good the eight-year-old was quite resistant uh but they all crack in the end you think when they're little you think really they're just going to eat rice krispies for the rest of their lives they're never going to have a vegetable i learned early on that when they're children they can't they tend to focus on one food group per meal so they'll have all carbs one meal then all protein the next meal and then later on when they get to about seven or eight they start growing and they're so hungry right my eight-year-old now is having broccoli with soy sauce poured on it that's a good step in the right direction it's prodig hungry. The idea of giving him that three years ago is ridiculous, but they do eventually, all of these things with kids, you think, oh, should they be doing that?

They do in the end. You know, people say, oh, he's not walking yet. I think he'll walk. I don't know many adults who are still shuffling around on their arse. He'll just do it. Yes, and he will talk and probably write. We've had people saying that about potty training and things like that because we're both potty training.

Did you have any trouble with the potty training? No, not really. Well, the first one, it's a whole new thing for all of us. She suffered a great deal at her hands trying to get her to do things that she didn't want to do, particularly trying to get her to go to sleep when she wasn't up for it. And, of course, once you get into a routine of trying to get her to do things that she didn't want to do, particularly trying to get her to go to sleep when she wasn't up for it. And, of course, once you get into a routine of trying to get them to and they're resisting it, then that becomes a pattern in itself.

Yeah. That process becomes an obstacle in itself. So you do have to have a little bit of leeway about it or find a way. But the party training with the second one, just copying the first one, just jumping on. But the third one now, he still has a nappy on at night. He's five in September. And you can talk to him about it.

He said, can you still, do you think, instead of just filling the nappy up, really as if he'd had an absolute skim full of cider the night before, like he's coming down with about six pounds swinging between his legs. Why don't you get up in the night and go for a, no, don't like to. So I don't know when that'll end.

He stopped coming and getting in the bed just. The other two went to age about five and then he's just stopped. But he will come in and bang on the mattress and say, come on, I want to go downstairs. And are you doing the mornings, Alan? I generally do. Yeah.

I do get up. Because I'm normally awake. I don't know. I have a bit more anxiety in general than I think than Katie does. And I'm normally awake early anyway don't know. I have a bit more anxiety in general than I think than Katie does. I'm normally awake early anyway. But once I've woken up, I normally have had a dream that's some sort of weird blend

of unorthodox, the Tiger King, the last dance. Wasn't that a long time ago we were watching the Tiger King? I know. It was so long ago. Was that last year's lockdown? That was a 2008 recession, wasn't it, that one?

Yeah, I think it was. If someone made a joke about the Tiger King now, you'd be like, come on, mate. It feels a bit cliche. Oh, come on, it's another Carol Batten. Alan, if you had a day to yourself, and Kate and the kids were out, and you could just do whatever you wanted

for the whole day indoors, what would your day look like oh my concern would be how can i slow time i would love to sit and watch tv but what i would obviously you know what i'm like what i'd like to do is turn on the tv and there's a there's a really good premier league game yeah yeah i don't know what i would do on myself what can you do there's nothing are you watching old sports are you watching old premier league Are you watching old Premier League trying to kind of get the hit? I try to watch the Bundesliga. I'm going to give myself a Bundesliga team.

Yeah. And I chose Cologne because I went to Cologne last year with Arsenal. It's a lovely city. I had a lovely time. And I turned on and watched Cologne. They went 2-0 up early. I thought, oh, this is great.

And then they blew a two-goal lead and drew. And I had the same feelings of anger and frustration out of my own team. I thought, oh, this is great. And then they blew a two-goal lead and drew. And I had the same feelings of anger and frustration out of my own team. I thought, well, this is a mistake. If you're looking for a Bundesliga team, just support Bayern Munich. Don't do it to yourself. I think you're allowed to glory hunt if this is all we've got.

It means nothing. You can totally glory hunt. Were you pleased when your kids got into football? I would absolutely love that, if my daughter got into football. Yeah, I am. I mean, how it will last, I don't know. They're at an age now when they'll do what they think daddy likes, you know, but later on they might turn on me.

It gives me more pleasure, to be honest, when they play sport than when they watch it. Yeah. It gives me more pleasure that my little, you know, they've got a football team that trains out the back of us and they've got, they started a girls team last year and there's about 50 girls over there now, whereas my daughter, initially, there were girls joined in with the boys,

but the boys are, frankly, seven, eight, nine-year-old boys are just sexist. They're some of the most sexist people I've ever met. They've got such a low opinion of girls. And it manifests itself in physical violence. Like a 70s comedy club. It's really odd. Girl. So they don't pass to them.

They knock them over first chance they get. God. That's the suppressed inability to talk to them that's what that is how are you at sports stage you get passionate about them winning or like when you watch them do you find yourself getting like too excited you have to calm yourself down because you don't want to be that parent or are you quite chill i only feel excited about them when my daughter did win a race and the real pleasure of it was first of all she amazed herself that she'd won a race and then she turned and it was first of all she amazed herself that she'd won a

race and then she turned and ran the length of the track with her arms spread out wide market premier league center forward to celebrate with and the and i managed to get a picture of that because i was on the track with all the parents at the finish line and the and the joy on her face was really something to see i think the idea that you should do away with competitive sport, I think, has seen its day. It gives him such pleasure, but I'm not going to be a pushy parent, because we're to the point

where they start hating sport, like a kind of Andre Agassi's dad. Yeah. End up with a meth habit. I don't want that. No, no. It's not ideal, is it? That's good of you. But I'd rather they were outdoors and looking at the screen. Yeah. What is your screen time?

Are they on their iPads a lot? Are they watching a lot of cartoons and TV and stuff? We try to ration it. Partly because we've got any sense of what's right and wrong or good or bad. Who knows? But I think it's definitely true that if they're on it too long, they become really antsy and

gnarky and they get this their body temperature goes up the eyelids start drooping and then they're they're kind of unmanageable for an hour and you think oh that's this is some combination of tiny brain and all this racket and noise yeah and they're absorbing a lot of American stuff and and it is there's just a lot of fast-moving imagery and a lot of noise and I even some of your favorite British moving imagery and a lot of noise and even some of your favourite British cartoons have gone a bit crazy. You know that postman Pat went mad and he got a helicopter for his special deliveries

and it used to be all about, oh he's got a birthday card to deliver to Mrs Muggins or whatever and that would be the whole episode. I think now the idea of them watching Trumpton or even Thunderbirds, that wouldn't be enough. Why has he got a helicopter then? He's just doing special deliveries in a helicopter. Sorry, I know this isn't the point,

but why has he got a fucking helicopter? Unless he's delivering a helicopter, there's no need for it. I mean, the budget, the budget of the Royal Mail where he is. And same with Sam and Sam. They're just a remote community on the Welsh coast. They've got a chopper.

They've got their own chopper just for the well-being of the eight kids at the primary school. So if my kids fall over on Hampstead Heath, they're expecting an air rescue. That's what they think. I find as well, my daughters have started to speak with a slight American swang. They sound a bit like, you know when Scandinavians learn English by watching Friends? Because they're watching so much Netflix.

My daughter was like, I'm kind of hungry. I was like, what? You're kind of just this weird twang. Because growing up, we never watched any American cartoons. No. Really, it was only the older stuff. Well, I don't know. I mean, I did watch quite a lot of Scooby-Doo and the Flintstones

or something, but that just meant me going, oh. That really didn't. I didn't have a rising inflection. Have you lost it at all with them over lockdown? Is it something that's just gnawed away at you that they did or were doing? Well, I think in common with most of your guests, yes, daily. Anything in particular you thought that, oh, I shouldn't have got angry over that, that was?

Well, we've got a brick wall in our garden and it's about six feet high and when i saw the eight year old helping the four-year-old on top of it and voiced strong objections to that conduct and then i foolishly i shouted from an upstairs window get down and then the four-year-old was looking no don't get down stay Stay there. I'm going to get a helicopter. Buying them a brick wall, a six foot brick wall was a strange present for the garden. No, I should say it's the boundary for the next property. In the midst of the lawn. Yeah, just getting ready for Tough Mudder.

Over the wall. Come on. Yeah, we've got some barbed wire that they crawl under as well. Go on, get your head down. Get your head down. We had to get this medicine from and I can't remember what it was for.

I can't remember what it was. Like a weird, some sort of weird kid ailment. But I had to squeeze this medicine in. Cow polly sort of stuff. It was a bit banana flavoured. No, we squeezed it in and the two-year-old took it

and the four-year-old spat it out on purpose, right, three times. And on the third time, I slammed my fist to the table and went, no, like a courtroom drama. She's four. She doesn't give a shit. But I was so angry and then Lou laughed at me. It's just so degrading when your partner laughs at you

and you get angry. The thing that's annoying about that is you know if the two-year-old had hated it, the four-year-old would nick the bottle. Yes, 100%. Complete opposites. We ended up with some of that banana penicillin for my daughter and we could only get her to drink it if we put it in some Coke Zero.

I used to love that banana stuff when I was a kid. Even talking about it now, I think, God, I'd fancy some of that banana penicillin stuff. It was absolutely great. You've got a bottle in the fridge. It's probably past its date, but... It would still do the trick.

It would still take me back. Penicillin go off? I thought penicillin was mould, right? So how can it go off? It gets too good. It gets too good. Has there been a high point and a low point of lockdown for you? A moment that you sort of think about and treasure and a point where you thought this can't go on what comes to mind is

it happened in the same moment which was there's a tree near where we live a fallen tree which my four-year-old loves and he's running towards this tree and really running and the other two are up another tree and i can't get them down and they won't come down and i'm just thinking i can't even if you if you fail to socially distance from someone now, it's on you. I've got to focus on the four-year-old. And I had my phone out and he looked so cute running away to his tree that I was videoing him. And I thought, oh, that's a lovely little memory there of him running off.

There's no one about. And then I didn't turn it off. So then I'm walking along and you can see my arm swinging and it's just grass. And then you hear me turn to my eight year old and go, Bobby, don't do that. That'll snap off like the other one. It's hanging on a branch. All right. Not his arm then. Not his arm then. So I've gone from this sort of the two emotions in a in a

moment but what i have got is what there was one of the best family videos that we've every time i show it to the kids they wait and wait and wait for that moment they find me telling them off not at the not at the time but in hindsight hilarious the thing they find most hilarious is when i go into a room and i go stop they've absolutely got my number oh bless um oh alan brilliant absolutely brilliant glad here doing badly that's all we're looking for really that's always that's the main thing you've really cheered me up yeah that was i needed that pep talk yeah glad to be serviced alan davis thank you very much thanks alan alan davis there you go amazing i love alan davis one of my favorite comedians of all time

my favorite as a kid by far i think he's i think he's one of the most underrated british comedians ever yeah so funny i think as well sometimes he's funnier when he's a bit more annoyed and angry, which he doesn't always show off on QI and stuff like that. No, you think of him as quite affable, don't you? You don't actually think of him as an angry man. Does that make you feel better about your future as a parent, Rob? Yeah, because he obviously adores his kids. The way I was talking about his four-year-old climbing the tree, his daughter winning the running race, but will still scream in their face stop shouting which I have done before have you ever shouted stop shouting before it is a I haven't stopped

shouting um I normally just kind of passively aggressively leave I'll kind of shut down and then just walk out what I find is when there's a lot of kids in the house even just with two one of them would have an iPad on then the other so there's two iPads on and then someone might need to tell you on the kettle's boiling lou's trying to talk at me the two girls are shouting and then you just end up screaming just shut up but what i've learned is rather than shouting there turn the telly off turn the kettle off turn the slowly make the room quieter with that stuff before you focus on the people if you go quiet the room goes quiet that's what I find. Yeah, what I tend to do is,

have you watched the last dance that Alan was talking about, the Michael Jordan documentary? Yes, brilliant. You know the bit where Scottie Pippen just refuses to go back on the pitch? Yes. That's like, I've done that, where I'm just like, I'm not going back in.

This isn't for me. This, I'm done. Well, when you try and get them dressed and they run at you and they will just basically headbutt your nose, full p pelt and you can't be angry because it was an accident yeah the pain is like it's happened outside of yates's you've just got to go yep just been headbutted just been headbutted on the nose not a problem fine fine i didn't before i had a kid i didn't realize being headbutted on the nose was part of it that's never a bit that people talk about

but it's such a big part of it or knee in the bollocks knee in the bollocks happens a lot or just foot in the foot in the bollocks walking up you onto your bollocks and you can't articulate it's very difficult to explain to a two and a half year old girl yeah well the other thing is i've noticed the way i shop for trainers for my daughters is always get them give them a soft heel because you know it's going in your bollocks to get a soft shoe like those sort of like spongy like night trainery

ones are good yeah you don't want to get a heelie one of those ones with the wheels on pair of Dr Martens you might as well just

you know save yourself a circumcision that'll do it that'll jaffer you right up that will Dr Martens and a bollock thank you very much we'll be back

in a few days with another brilliant episode thank you very much. We'll be back in a few days with another brilliant episode. Thank you very much. Cheers, Rob. Cheers, bye.