Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP1: Bobby B and Stiffy McGee are back!!!

Episode Date: January 19, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S02 EP1: Bobby B and Stiffy McGee are back!!!Guess who's back? Back again. LPH is back. Tell your friends....We took a short break in the new year but now we're back full time. Today's episode is a little taster and a catch-up. From next week we'll be back every Tuesday and Friday as before. This lockdown isn't going anywhere and neither are we. Spread the word people. Rob and Josh. xxWe're so proud and honoured to announce we have reached 10 MILLION DOWNLOADS!!!!And to say thank you and help those in need after what has been a tough year for so many, we've started a Just Giving page for the Trussell Trust which you can find here;https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/lockdownparentingWe've kicked things off with a donation and if anybody is in a position to help this fantastic cause then please do. No pressure. But they do great work for a brilliant cause so if you can spare even a little please do. https://www.trusselltrust.orgThanks and see you soon.Josh, Rob (and producer Michael) xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Series 2 of Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Rob. Can you say...

Can you say Josh Whittacombe? Josh. Whittacombe. Yes. Whittacombe. It's out. Very good. Very good. Very good. You gave him very good for that.

I mean, well done. I reckon you could give him very good. That's a lot of praise. Yeah. Because he didn't say your name. No. He's a year and a half, so I'd say that's about, I'd say that's par for the course. It would be very good if he said your name at year and of praise. Yeah. Because he didn't say your name. No. He's a year and a half, so I'd say that's about, I'd say that's par for the course.

It would be very good if he said your name at year and a half. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, if anything, trying to get him to do the names for the podcast is overly ambitious. I think a year and a half is the youngest person we've ever had opening the show. Yeah.

I mean, yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. You've guilted me into this. Who was it? Very good. I would say very good. Come on, Brian E. Enright. Okay, I'm sorry. You've guilted me into this. Well, who was it? Very good. I would say very good. Come on, Brian E. Enright.

Hi, Rob and Josh. Thanks for doing your podcast. Me and my husband always listen to it together and love it. Absolutely fascinated in how I never listen to a podcast with anyone else. Do you? No. Well, once me and Lou tried to on Honeymoon, and it was like one of them serial ones where it's like.

Sexy? Yeah, I know. It's a bit of true crime on the beach and it was like one of them serial ones where it's like... Sexy? Yeah, I know. It's a bit of true crime on the beach and then a bit of a... And then a bit of real crime in the bedroom? Yeah. I bet it did work out. My mum and dad listened to this in bed together,

which I don't know how I feel about. Do they do other stuff? No, I don't. I don't. What? No, not anymore. It's just missionary. They're old. He's 76, mate. He's due for a't. No, not anymore. It's just a mystery. They're old.

It's 76, mate. He's due for a vaccine. Give him a chance. What? Come on. Do they, are they just staring at everything I say? That sounds loaded. Do you know what I mean?

If they're listening to a podcast, are they just lying there staring, listening? Or are they? I think listening to a podcast when you go to bed is a little bit of a backhanded compliment because we all know you save the A-list podcast for your walk, okay? And then secondly, yeah, that's when you're properly focusing on it or a drive to work or something, or your train journey. The bedtime podcast, we all know what it is.

It's you're interested, but not in. Charlie Brooker told me this because he struggles with getting to sleep. He said, what you need is something you're interested about, but not really interested about. And then you fall asleep slowly. So it's a bit of a back and a come back. Mate, I was out, I had a nap yesterday. Oh!

Yeah, I had a nap, listening to John and Ellis, and I was out like a fucking light. It was like... LAUGHTER Oh, wow really you're starting the new series really throwing shades Josh I like this I mean that's I mean you know they they know I'm a big fan but um I yeah but on the back of us saying you saved the least interesting ones for bedtime that's a real scam yeah no let's be honest you've changed've changed. You used to shut down when I went in on people.

Now, I'm asking about your parents' sex life, and I'm saying that I fell asleep listening to John and Alice. What an opening. Exactly. What an opening. Welcome back, people. I literally woke up as their podcast was finishing. It was phenomenal.

I slept through the full podcast. I sort of think, do you retain any information subconsciously? Is this a fast-track way like make the matrix be real if i listen to a kung fu podcast do you reckon i'd know a bit more about kung fu at the end even if i was asleep yeah i don't know how big the kung fu podcast market is but um yeah i don't know i'll have a look i'll see what's on there keep going i'll find out what kind of options i've got it happens in friends doesn't it and is that based where like chandler listens to or it's like learn french so it is a thing isn't it yes i wouldn't chandler yeah

chandler chandler smoking he's listening yeah and he was listening to like you're an empowerful woman yeah powerful woman types of oh mate there are loads of Kung Fu podcasts. Well, there we go. I mean, I don't know if this is okay. Rice to Meet You is one of the podcasts. Nigel Ong, Uncle Roger. Just because he's Asian. Is that how Apple works at podcasts?

I'm not offering any opinions on Nigel Ong. Oh, no, I think they spoke about Kung Fu in an episode. Let's not get bogged down by that. Anyway, so you had a nap. What was the nap? Oh, well, so I did last leg on Friday night for the first time back. First time I had a

drink this year, actually. Well, I was actually asked to do the last leg this week. And that leads into why I couldn't do it. And I also had to pull out of Graham Norton. This is... You don't want to hear about my nap? You're just dropping your...

Oh, sorry. No, no, no. I've got nothing to say about my nap. You were just... You was a loud one because you was tired from the extra half an hour work you did. Oh, no, no, no. Well, what happened was then Rose had insomnia,

like, basically all night. So I got in at one, but then I got up at six. So, or 6.20, let's be honest. Oh, so you was up with the baby, the three-year-old. Yeah, well, that was a shame because we could have done it together. But I've had to, we're having a nightmare, Josh, right? I reckon lockdown three is worse than lockdown one. It's the worst one.

Oh, there's no summer. There's no summer. There's no heat. I didn't realise how important the heat was in lockdown one. Do you know what? The sun is very underrated. It is. Every day it turns up. You don't even notice.

Do you know what I mean? Like every day, like the sun knocks up. This bloody country doesn't. I know. Like half an hour a day. But ignorance was bliss in lockdown one, wasn't it? Let's face it. We didn't have to do any homeschooling,

but we're having to do that now, which actually, in its defence, it does give you a bit of a structure to the day. Yeah. It does give you something to do. I just think, really, you've just got to not let yourself get overwhelmed by it slightly.

And I'm talking from a five-year-old, it doesn't really matter. It must be difficult if you've got someone doing GCcses and stuff like that what kind of stuff you're teaching like phonics and stuff well um phonics um we had to teach him about a car that to draw a car and label it which i just basically let her drive the car up and down the drive for a bit yeah nice what do you mean draw a car label it like steering wheel wheels that kind of thing yeah lights and petrol thing and all that um so that followed some maths um there was what other stuff we've done some art they pu with joe wicks i think joe which should put in an invoice to the department of education it's absolutely outrageous just say do joe wicks yeah do joe weeks for half an hour but

anyway the five-year-old likes yoga she's got got into this yoga thing on YouTube. So we just let her do yoga for half an hour and stuff. So yeah, that's been okay. But this is why it's worse. Knocked down three, okay? Absolute bombshell dropped on the Beckett's. Everyone's okay. But Lou is on new medication and is now officially shielding. Oh my God.

Yes. Oh my word. I know. What does shielding mean in reality? I know it's one. So that means she can't go anywhere it means quiet in the fucking loft until everyone's had a vaccine essentially oh my god and does she mean does she get a vaccine early doors because she's shielding right so yes

so it's been a stressful week we found out on monday that she's got to be shielded we spoke to a few people and she's extremely clinically vulnerable, right, which is a horrific thing to find out your wife is. It's got so – You just wanted emotionally vulnerable. That's what you were looking for. Yeah, I just wanted, you know, emotionally vulnerable and sexually liberated. That's what I wanted from the GP. But unfortunately, it was clinically extremely vulnerable.

So, no, it's fine, though. She's fine. She's just on this new medication, which basically means if she gets it, it's a nightmare um basically so yeah so what it means is she can't really go anywhere and neither can i or the girls so we've had to pull the youngest out of nursery and i was a bit unsure about going to nursery anyway it feels like an absolute breeding ground but anyway that's so anyway she's out of nursery so we've got both at home i built a desk on monday night so your youngest is at home from nursery oh yeah every day until lou gets a vaccine yes and we're not

really supposed to send them back to school until lou gets vaccine but i think she might be in category four which means that she's due it by the middle of feb but then you've still got to leave it like 20 days or something and then you're supposed to get your second one. But anyway, I do. And I think as the cases drop, that it's less risk and all that. But it means I can't really work properly apart from this. So I couldn't do last leg. And then I couldn't do Graham Norton.

So I didn't do Graham Norton, which is a shame. So now I'm basically working out because I've still, I've not got too much work on to be honest at the moment because of pando but i'm supposed to be filming robin romesh right we've done four episodes we've got two more episodes to go so essentially the plan is i might like margaret thatcher have to live in a hotel oh wow so you have to live in a hotel? Yeah. At Alan Bartridge? Yeah. So basically what will happen is I'll go and do the filming

and then I'll just go back to the hotel rather than home. What hotel are you going for, Rob? I don't know where I am yet. I don't know what the plan is. They're working on it now. So hotels open for work? Yes. For people.

So if you're working, you can stay in a hotel for work. And also to isolate. Because when I finish filming, I have to wait five to seven days. Oh, my God. Yeah, to get a test. Then I know I'm going home without it. So in those five to seven days, would you just stay in your hotel room? Yeah.

Bloody hell. But I'm already, like, because at the moment, we can't go shops or anything like that, obviously. We're just going out for walks. So we're all doing everything in. So no one's really been anywhere. We took the girls for a walk yesterday and it was so muddy. And I don't know about you, but I feel quite sort of,

I don't have any emotions, like any feelings anymore because it's so Groundhog Day. I nearly just jumped full face into a puddle. Just to feel something. Just to feel something. Just to feel something, Josh. Just you're a different feeling. Everything's so comfortable. You're just in your house.

You're in soft clothes. I just want to feel alive, Josh. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Oh, wow. So it's been a bit of a dramatic week for the old man. Oh, my word. So you're going to be doing a parenting podcast while basically you're living alone in a hotel

like some kind of playboy figure. Yeah, like somebody's just lying about it, going, yeah, tough day with the kids again today, even though I've just got a cigar. Living on room service. But we're not at that stage yet. So that's where my head's at. And when would this happen?

Do we know? Beginning of Feb, next couple of weeks. We're due to start filming beginning of Feb, but they're looking into moving it. And then we're also trying to find out when Lou can have her vaccine and stuff like that. It's an absolute nightmare, Josh. And then we've had the kids at home.

I've invented some good lockdown things we can talk about though to keep kids busy. Yeah, but that's where we're at. How's i've got i've i've i've invented some good lockdown things we can talk about though to to keep kids busy um yeah a bit but yeah but that's what that's where we're at how how's all your lot this is well it wasn't great but um better than you oh yeah i was feeling quite cocky you in many ways i should have led this conversation but uh it's too late now do you know what after this we're going to the park for the first time in 10 days oh yeah you had another isolation, didn't you? Another isolation in the bag. So the nursery, her carer, or one of the carers got it.

Lunch cover as well. So close. Not even full time. Lunch cover, mate. You want to get out to the suburbs, mate. It's fine here. Everyone's kissing each other in the street. I'm starting to think.

Do you know what? I think this nursery is going to be pretty much immune by the end of the month the way things are going they've had every strain so she's been on so she was off from a week ago on friday yeah week ago on friday uh so or whatever it was. I can't remember. It feels like, what? Is that all it was? It was my fucking lifetime. Oh, I had a howler as well.

I ordered, you know, like restaurants are doing boxes, right? Yeah, yeah. So I went on Time Out and it said, here are a few London boxes that you can get at Cintra House and you sort of like try and make it like a date night. We're trying to do that on a Saturday. Patty and bun, by the way,

is incredible. I did their one really nice burgers. I think they do veggie, veggie and vegan ones. Anyway, I'm all of this Mexican place. It's quite, quite lumpy,

quite expensive, but you've got loads of stuff. I thought we can have it in the fridge for the week stuff. Anyway, um, all deal. And as it come through, it's all the like confirmation.

It's about 60 quid, right? Come through. It was like, Oh's about 60 quid right come through and was like oh um yeah thank you i hope you enjoy the best vegan mexican going i was like you what it was one of them vegan restaurants it doesn't say what it's made of it just at the top it says vegan mexican but if you miss that it's just like oh beef brisket no it fucking ain't is it it's some tofu don't lie just tell me what it is it's not don't is it? It's some tofu. Don't lie. Just tell me what it is. It's not.

I know that's your interpretation of it, but it isn't it, is it? That can't be allowed, Josh. Why do they do that on menus? Just tell me what it fucking is. So did you eat it? It's coming in two weeks. Oh, it's coming in two weeks? Yeah, I know. That's the last slot I could get, Josh.

Rob, you can surely start. They haven't started preparing it yet, mate, have they? I don't know. How do you make vegan beef brisket? What's the process? Maybe it isn't two weeks long. I can't believe you're planning dinner in two weeks' time. There's nothing else to fucking plan, Josh.

What else am I doing in two weeks' time? Sitting in my house, eating something. We have a takeaway Saturday night, and we order it 30 minutes before it arrives, Rob, rather than two weeks. This is a restaurant box. You have to cook yourself, Saturday night and we order it 30 minutes before it arrives from rather than two weeks this okay this is a restaurant box you have to cook yourself and I'm bored of my local takeaways okay right yeah yeah deliver options no but basically we found out that Lou had to shield the day all our

shopping run out and I was going to the shops we've had nothing we've lived off takeaways for a week oh fuck Lou got a deliveroo from the cost cutter of maltesers and bread yeah we've done that we've done the deliveroo from the uh from the co-op it's a depressing when they turn up and you just feel you feel embarrassed the worst i've done is i got absolutely battered on whisky and diet coke and i run out of diet coke so he just bought me like six cans of diet coke that's a bad oh my god that is a low moment rob but that when he was delivering that i imagine he didn't think this guy who answers the door is going to be hammered he thought this is going to be a kind

of 40 year old mum of two divorcee who's watching her weight that's what he thought i think that's what I am in my mind I think the pressure must be off though for a driver if it's a cold drink yeah I mean

you're delivering something hot I think you're under pressure to get it there warm and hot have I told you my deliverer idea no go on so I think you should be able to pay

an extra fiver okay to increase the radius of restaurants. So you could pay for an extra two miles of restaurants. Oh, do you know what? As soon as you said an extra fiver, because we're already paying delivery fee, and I was like, there's no way what Josh is going to suggest I'll go for, for an extra fiver.

But two miles? I would have taken a fiver for a mile. It could be five for a mile. And so you could do as many extra miles as you want you sign a waiver that it you accept it's going to be a little colder than you would expect normally yeah but you're given I'm four and a half miles from central London extra 20 20 20 quid you can have anything in Soho you can have any yeah well extra three grand you could probably get something from madrid it's a good idea though isn't it i i'm into that the extra mile wow what the think of it oh now i'm just thinking i'm gonna after this i'm gonna

start putting in a postcode an extra mile from my house just see see what could happen. Do you do that when you're moving? Like when we moved house, that was one of the first things we did was put in the new postcode into Deliveroo. I like mourn the things I no longer get on Deliveroo since I moved. Like I mourn the death of a relative. What have you lost in your move then? Well, when we moved three years ago yeah but we there was a place called gunpowder which um was just like a poncy indian you know like a like a kind of like a dish you sound like you're being racist about a person there

some poncy indian oh whoa whoa whoa calm down calm down just poncy indian restaurant yeah that's fine i think you really with that word you really like have to say yeah sorry yeah i hope the edit's kind to me in that situation yeah exactly yeah but you missed it you missed gunpowder yeah i miss it but uh yeah there we go it is what it is know, you've just got to dust yourself off and move on. You've got to play along. So the shielding, not the shielding, the 10 days off nursery. Yeah. And then, so a couple of days in, she got a cough.

And we're like, oh, here we bloody go. Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. You've been down that test centre so much. So we went to the test centre, a nearby one. How many have you been? Three, four? No, twice, twice, twice. All right. And the you been? Three, three, four? No, twice,

twice, twice. And the private one at home, three. The private one at home. Yeah, that was, that was an annoyance.

The panic order, like my vegan Mexican. Exactly, the absolute panic order. The one about, did I tell you with the private one at home, they did, they hadn't shown up all day and it was about seven o'clock.

Oh, you thought you got away with it. Oh, I've got away with this here. I'm going to be able to, anyway. I mean, has the doctor ever been on time?

Have you ever, have you ever, have you ever got to the doctors, the GPs? They went, oh, he's actually ready for you. Oh,

really? Oh, okay. Do you know what, Rob? You say that. I had my flu jab this week. Cause I get a flu jab because of my asthma.

Oh, are you vulnerable? When are you getting your, you get a, I'm not vulnerable enough. No, I'm pretty far off. My asthma is not nearly good enough to get me up the league table. Good enough. Yeah. are you getting your you get i'm not vulnerable enough no i'm pretty far off and my ass was not

nearly good enough to get me up the league good enough good enough yeah um you had your flu jab and because of the covid restrictions i they don't let you in i arrived at four walked straight in i reckon i was in and out of the doctor's surgery in under three minutes wow good i was very tempted to take a selfie of having the flu jab and put it on Instagram as though I was having the COVID vaccine. Oh, yeah. You should have done that and then just done a picture and gone, yeah, lovely.

Only five grand uptown. Got myself the vaccine. Just to see what happened. Can you imagine? Straight on the Daily Mail sidebar. Yeah, exactly. Good to know that people off the TV are key workers now. Get it in there.

I actually found out the first time I realised that I was a bit famous was at the doctor's, Josh. Because at my doctor's, when it's your turn, a robot voice says, Rob Beckett. And then it comes up with a massive LED screen thing like that. And I did it. And then someone looked around and I was like like, LED screen thing like that. And I did it. And then someone looked around and I was like, I didn't realise that was after the jungle.

It was a really weird experience. Have I told you about when I thought I had hemorrhoids? No, go on. Was that Ponce Indian? And I phoned up the doctors. And, you know,

so they do that thing now, our doctors, where before you get an appointment they'll phone you back and they'll go through your symptoms with you to see whether it's worth you coming in yeah and she made me describe all the symptoms which obviously i'm not comfortable at the best of times so it was an awkward conversation is that just like it's sort of just sort of lumpy bits down there isn't it no it's like itchy itchy like painful and itchy anyway it was it was fine all the time no no just now sorry this is the same conversation i had with her rob i thought hemorrhoids and piles is when

you basically had a tiny little ball bag that come out your bum yeah but i didn't have that in the end oh right okay fair enough sorry yeah what did you have just some kind of infection that was treatable with a over-the-counter cream oh right what did you use um do you know what i think it was um just a bit of antiseptic that bit behind the court or something it was called i can't remember the name of it we don't have to get bogged down by your ass cream no but i'd highly recommend it it was it was within days i was it was in a much better state. It was just a crack or was it the actual hole? It was...

Do you know what? I would describe it as the region. Anyway, we had this conversation, similar to this, in fact. Yeah. Anyway, I got to the end of the conversation, all very awkward. Yeah.

And she went, are you the comedian Josh Ridddick oh no on the phone on the phone oh god i was like this i mean that is unprofessional isn't it yeah not now come on mate anyway neither here nor there so we drive to the test center yes so the first time we did it there was all three of us because all three of us were unwell at Christmas. Yeah, that was Tilbury, wasn't it? Was it Tilbury? Yeah, that was Tilbury.

So this time it was just four miles away, Hackney. So we drive in, but it was just my daughter, which was an error in a way. Obviously, you don't want to do a test that you shouldn't do, so that was the correct thing to do. But it made it a lot more difficult that we weren't doing it as well because yes of course and you can't really waste a pandemic just to keep your daughter they should give some fake tests out shouldn't they or just take a little cotton bud yourself that's

a great tip yeah i'd do that next time yeah because it will be driven somewhere and be forced to do a test when you're like three and don't really understand what's going on. It does feel like you've been kidnapped. Yeah, exactly. Particularly because we took her in the boot, which was probably a mistake. Oh, by the way, my boot is... I put a load of stuff in the boot

to go to the charity shop the day before lockdown. Yeah. Still there. I reckon I'm going to have my car full of old shit for the next three months. Oh, did I tell you I went for a car wash, Rob? No, you didn't tell me that huge news. But please, fill me in.

This is how bad I am. You're going to like this. You are buzzing about this. And it's a car wash. He charged me an extra three quid because the car was so dirty. No, he charged you an extra three quid. He charged me extra because the interior of the car was so dirty oh i mean what i accept if it is much more dirty there needs to be a levy but three quid seems like

it's a bit of a nominal amount do you know what i mean like would you have not done it if you didn't give him the extra three quid then well it was too late because it was going on and then he kind of took me aside and said it's going to be uh an extra three quid oh so what's your thought process there was it really bad or do you think i'll go somewhere else next time i don't know because i don't know what how other people's cars how dirty that how dirty is your car when you're getting yeah so i try what i'll do is i'll try and take all that the rubbish out and like the big bits of food yeah like a crumb the vegan mex max yeah and i'll shake the mat a bit and put it back in but this is how this is how i operate and how i would operate if i was that guy

if i was him i'd have gone that's tv's josh riddick there he might not know who you were but either way even if you didn't know you were you're a bloke with a car in east london right you're doing all right for yourself i if i was the car cleaner, I would have gone, right, I'll do this this time and see if he tips me. And if he don't tip me, I'll charge him extra next time. Yeah, well, also, it then turned out it was a disaster all around because I didn't have cash, so I had to go to a cash point. Oh, no. Yeah, also because it was 18 quid.

It ended up being 20 because I wasn't going to ask for the two quid, was I? Anyway. He asked for the three. He asked for the three, mate. I would have, would have out of principle waited for that two quid back well i i should have shouldn't i but there we go anyway we go to the test site it's a fucking nightmare um so we failed twice what do you mean failed she grabbed the thing oh she ruined okay so now i know now you'll be glad to know obviously i know where

my hassles are so it's quite easy to call the guy over this time yeah but the second time she grabbed it uh rose just went fuck which i would say isn't isn't helpful in any way. It wasn't what I'd describe as game face. Oh, oh my God. Do you know what's bad is like, all these awful, like stressful things that are happening to us in lockdown, I don't think everyone's really processing it all right. But it's the kind of stuff where like that,

if that happened to you, that would have been an anecdote that you would have told for years. Remember that time when you were so unwell, you had to go for that test. And that's how everyone's every day. You're just trapped in a car, trying to ram a cotton bud up their kid's nose. She just sat in the seat.

When she shouted it, she was like staring straight ahead in the seat, like just to kind of hone this kind of existential crisis. So were you trying to do it then? I was doing it and she was restraining. So I was doing the cotton bun and she was restraining. So you had to go and put the hazards on. Hazards on. Third test.

Did it third time. Yeah. Negative. So she's fine. So she gets to go. Was it immediate? Was it one of the immediate ones? No, no.

It was the next day. It was, it was, or I think that was Sunday. And I think we got it first thing Tuesday morning. Oh, that's not too bad. No,

not bad. And you didn't have it. So all morning. Oh, that's not too bad. No, not bad. Oh, that's good. Didn't have it, so all good. All good. And so then just been killing time this week. It's just been, you know, because she can't go out, but she's not really – the best thing about it is she's not a child that's that into going out.

That is helpful. It's hugely helpful. I would say sometimes, you know, if you've got more kids, you think it's more difficult, right, like if you're having two. But this morning, it made me think of you, where the three-year-old came in and then the old one was still asleep, he was like six or something, and was like, just go and play with your toys.

She went, I don't want to, I feel alone. And we was like, I want to talk to someone. I went, well, talk to your toys. She went, but they don't talk back to me. And I was like, if you only have one, and they're saying that, you can't just go and play with your sister. It's quite intense I imagine just having the one where you feel guilty you are basically her companion the whole time she's also she's gone off tv again oh no the thing is I think you and Rose you're a little bit more like Rose is a bit more middle class than

you isn't she but then you're a bit more like I love the tv you know me i know you do but you're a little bit more higher up the working class into middle classes of me so that like my my tv gene is so strong in my kids that they will gobble it up forever do you know i mean that is something you cannot take out do you know what i thought on sunday so last sunday when she was ill the day we went for the test and she was obviously just ill. Yeah. She basically watched TV all day cause she was unwell. Yeah.

Fine. And I thought this is unacceptable and unsustainable over a full week. If this is what her week at home is going to be. Yeah. Actually careful what you wish for because she has not watched TV since. It's genuinely, I think it might be when she's locked down, actually, because it happened last time as well. I think because she's not going out and about, she's so full of energy, she doesn't want to watch TV.

Yeah, I agree. So this is what I've been doing with mine, right? What you do, I put them on a treadmill, just tie them to they cry but they you know they're getting fit aren't they um now so what I do is my strategy is if they're too annoying at home aren't they right if they don't go out all day so I try and take them out in the I don't wait for good weather I will go out in the bad weather so if it's as long as they're in puddle suits wellies and a hat right raining and cold take them somewhere muddy get them as cold and as sad and as tired as you can and then when they come in all they want to do is snuggle

up and watch the telly and just chill because they appreciate being indoors well i think that's what i'm about to head towards with yeah have you got a full puddle suit yeah so we've got this suit so she's have i told you that she's i'd say told you that she's, I'd say our big issue, she's the fussiest person about clothes I've ever met. It's genuinely insane. Weird, what, she doesn't like wearing certain stuff? She hates wearing a coat. Like, even in the ice cold, she would want to take her coat off.

Does she like a paddle suit? So we've got her this, we let her choose it, she likes it. Rose took her out just before lockdown to the park. And apparently, and I'm about to test it because we're about to go to the big slides today. Oh, okay. But Rose said, apparently, the friction difference on the slide,

she goes at fucking 70 miles an hour now. In this suit. Apparently, it's unbelievable the speed she can get up in this suit. So I'm quite excited to see that. She sounds like a Red Bull drink daredevil. You know the Red Bulls when challenging? The fastest slide ever.

And you're, whoom. You know that thing that, was it Ian Thorpe or was it the other one, the American one? Michael Phelps, when they wore the, like, that suit that got banned for swimmers in the Olympics. Whatever that was. I other one, the American one, Michael Phelps, when they wore that suit that got banned for swimmers in the Olympics, whatever that was. I think it was the Australian runner, the female Australian runner that wore one with a hood on.

Oh, Cathy Freeman, yeah. She looked like a human sperm. Absolutely pelting it around the track. So, I've got that to look forward to at the slides. I don't know, do you think it's going to be busy? Yeah, the park's rammed when I've been to the park you've been locked up 10 days there's nothing else to do even matt hancock was in the park the other day someone filmed him even though boris

said everyone stay at home and hancock's bowling around at a park looking you know as much as uh you know the government are lunatics and aren't doing it very well it must be awful being them but what a terrible life it must be like all All week on Good Morning Britain, on the news, and then having to change your kid around the park while everyone films you and shouts at you. Jesus Christ. I've got a few little tips, lockdown tips, Josh. I think we should go back to that.

I feel like we're right. I'm so glad we didn't change the name of it because we're right back in the fire of lockdown now. So, little tip, if you're going out to the park, don't give your kids any liquid. Yeah. They won't need a piss. Yeah.

Just let them drink when they get home. What do you feel about... Dehydration? Taking your children... Taking your children behind the bush, Rob. What's your view on that? Well, I think that's fine, especially in lockdown. I mean, I've even had a piss in the bush on walks recently.

I've been going for long walks. So I'm pissing on the floor in a bush in the corner. Deal with it. That's just, you know, where else do you want me to go? If I was to piss myself as I walk again, my brain can't take that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'll put you in a hell first.

But, yeah, I try not to as an adult adult but kids pissing behind a bush yeah my only problem is i've never used a um vagina to piss myself personally no i've never used a vagina i've never i've always been cock and balls when i'm pissing um so i don't really understand the angles it comes out and and i you know and that's why i find difficult do you know i mean you can aim a dick but I don't really understand how a vagina can aim. So I sort of get the girl's legs and just lift them up and sort of fire it almost like it's like a, like a gun. Oh really?

Is that what you do? You don't go with the crouch? No, no, no. Cause the crouch, I used to do the crouch, but then you would just,

it would jet at an angle onto the trousers. Oh, the moment the trousers are wet. Yeah, exactly. So I sort of get them to crouch when they crouch i pick them up from their thighs right so i've got their back on my sort of chest and thighs up and then just sort of aim it a bit you know i'm not like cannon water guns they get at theme

parks you know at fairgrounds i sort of imagine a two-handed cat water cannon and that's them pissing behind a bush and that's that's the way i'll do it because in the if they just crouch it just goes on to the trousers or knickers i find so if someone wants to walk around the corner yeah you'd just be firing your daughter's piss yeah i mean i wouldn't i wouldn't fire it at people unless they had something to say to me and i might give them a little bit of a sprinkling but no it would be you know my back would be to the main part of a little bush somewhere and then just pick up. So someone more around the corner said, all right, mate, are you the bloke from Mock the Week? Yeah, mate.

Shane got a dick. This is the best way to do it. Yeah, fair enough. I think that's a good back and forth, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's top level stuff. I don't think anyone could argue with that. I mean, what's your technique for behind the bush piss?

I'd do the crouch, but I'm not doing it. I'm not confident that it's not going to be the end of the whole trip. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. But I do find the double-handed water gun approach, it does eradicate that risk because it will not go on the trousers. They might enjoy it. They do sort of enjoy it.

It's sort of become quite a fun thing we do. But not like, you know, at home. How high are you holding them up? Because I'm picturing you holding them like a bazooka on your shoulder but that can't be right i'm crouched myself i you know i'm i'm eye to eye with danny devito you're right with danny okay that's what we're operating at i i also think that's probably if danny devito is with you that's one of the details you should have dropped in earlier rob because that's probably more interesting than the angle

of the piss he's always there waiting. It's something he does. Oh, the other thing I've invented, do you know toys that squeeze or press and it's really loud? I think people do this already and there isn't a way to make it quieter. Open it up and put a bit of masking tape on the speaker to muffle the sound. Oh, that's good. How did you

work that out? I don't know, I was just thinking this toy was really loud and it didn't have a thing on it. And I thought, oh, if I just, because, you know, you can normally open the back of it and tape the batteries. Just put a bit of masking tape over the speaker and it just dulls the sound. That's good, Rob. And then the next level is just masking tape over the kids' mouths. But, you know, I haven't done that yet.

Of course. You know. Of course. These are all good tips. If you have got any lockdown tips, do email them in. Of course. These are all good tips. If you have got any lockdown tips, do email them in.

So we're back now in lockdown for the foreseeable, really, aren't we? Can I tell you the lockdown idea disaster I had? Yeah. Nighttime scooters. Nighttime scooters? When it got to about four or five o'clock, it gets dark, and they're going to be mental. I was like, I'll take them out for a scoot round outside, yeah,

in the dark, because they've got light on the street, right? Yeah. Because it's like the wheels light up and, you know, it'll be a bit of fun. Anyway, it lasted about three seconds. They immediately

just kept, because it's like the pavement ain't level. Just, they both fell over about 15 times each. I've got about 200 yards. I was like, right, let's back in.

That's the end of my time here. I even had but I've got a hat with a light on I was even aiming it at the pavement but it still weren't enough so night time scooters it doesn't work hello here to judge is a new weekly podcast from Little Wanda where we dismantle predicaments posted online. Featuring spicy dilemmas from Am I the Arsehole on Reddit. I haven't stopped giggling since you said the word poops. To Am I being unreasonable quandaries on Mumsnet. I'm an adult and I'm reading this aloud. Join me, Priya Hall.

Me, Robin Morgan. And me, Leila Navabi. Subscribe to Here to Judge now on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. I love this podcast so much. This is the problem now, isn't it? It's doing this lockdown and it's dark at four. It's dark when you wake up.

Yeah. It's cold. I mean, imagine if there wasn't a vaccine rob at this i know exactly also imagine daffodils are sneaking out josh the day every day right the day's getting longer right each each day is going that way and then it will be this it will go the clocks will go back so we are getting it's a slow grind but we're getting this you've just got to you've got to keep keep the faith and like you say whatever happens you can't change what's happening you can't change all the bad news you can only change the way you process it and deal with it and you've got to try

and keep positive and sure every night i have anxiety dreams about me bringing covid home and killing my entire family but just sleep when you can get it, Josh. Do you know what I mean? If you're having that dream, at least you're asleep. At least you're asleep, yeah. At least you're asleep. You could be awake thinking of that. Yeah. Here's something that I'm struggling to deal with in lockdown, Rob. Yeah.

I think I've gone off sport. Really? Yeah. Why is that? So the day of recording, it's Liverpool v Man U, which should be really exciting. Yeah, yeah yeah I couldn't give a shit really I'm excited I'm into it why have I gone off sport like I check the Plymouth score and there'll be football matches that I don't even know are going on now I don't even really click through to it now on the Guardian and the BBC. What's gone wrong with me?

Well, your team isn't in the Premier League. That's what I'd say. No, but that's been the same for the last 25 years, Rob. Yeah, of course. But, so there's no full invested interest in it. But the Premier League, the thing about the Premier League is like, there's a build up to it. All the crowds go and then there's all the players celebrating at the away end

and all that. It's lost its pageantry. So it's now, it's just the game. And the truth about football is it can be mind-numbingly boring. But... Have I just realised that football is actually shit after all? And all I like is the kind of tribal nature of the fans there. I do think football can be amazing.

Football can be the best sport in the world. It all can be the most boring. I think that's totally fair. But the tribal aspect of it elevates it so even if it's boring it's interestingly boring because if liverpool are drawing nil nil with west brom and it's boring it's exciting because all the liverpool fans are getting the ump at west brom and they're cutting and it builds the drama of of it of seeing loads of you know the liverpool fans getting the ump and getting behind their team and stuff so i think that's it and also it is

but i know i keep banging the drum for basketball, but basketball is so exciting. There's a reason why in football, when it's really good, they go, God, it's like a basketball match. Just watch basketball then. I'm not buying this, mate. You're not buying it, okay. I'm not converting to basketball.

No, don't convert to it. But I am enjoying the football and I'm getting into it. But you're not watching as much either, are you? You haven't watched a game for ages. I don't watch it at all. Do you know what? I just, I don't know who I am anymore. Josh, why don't you get,

you're going to the park, right? And then you're coming home. So you'll have earned like a couple of hours because Rose isn't going with you to the park. Well, you're not going to, yeah, I have got an hour though that, yeah, she's not going with me to the park. But at one o'clock I have got,

and you'll enjoy this, Rob. I've got an osteopath appointment for a stiff neck. The old stiff neck's back, is it? The stiff neck's back. Stiffy, here he is. The old stiff neck's back. That's medical, isn't it? Because you're stiff neck.

Yeah, it's perfectly legal. So I've got an appointment because I can't look to the left at the moment. Oh, really? Okay, that's quite good, though, for the BBC. They want more right-wing comedians. Yay of business here we are all day all day that stiff neck would have had to have three writers in a room that would have worked out where to put the funniest part old lucy mcgee over here i'm fucking sliding it out sure it could have been better sure it could have been a bit tight around the edges but when you're loose necking it up you haven't

got time for that josh exactly just bish bash bosh get that joke out speed let's go let's go um josh do you know what i've missed doing this i i've i've liberated getting that off my chest because you know so do i i feel like i've a weight off my shoulders before i go to the park and it all goes back onto the shoulders and also my shoulders i don't need a weight on them at the moment with the oh the way your left neck goes hopefully don't go on the right hand slide or you're screwed mate you'll have to just keep turning just keep turning around ed can't go body cam he's like he did a photo shoot just looking over your shoulder the whole time can't go he can't go left oh stiffy mcgee stiffy mcgee would be a very different character that's that's that'd be a

sexually problematic person old stiffy mcgee stiffy McGee. He wouldn't need an osteopath. End of his career. I don't want that to become my nickname. Stiffy McGee? When anyone says I don't want that to become my nickname, it always will be. That was a mistake. Bobby B and Stiffy McGee are signing out. Thanks for listening.

We're back next week, aren't we, Stiff? So, we are back with our series is back properly for series two uh where we will be us on the tuesday and then we'll have our guests on the friday yes our first episode is paddy mcginnis so uh we've got we've got loads of good ones i'm gonna say in the can already yes we've been working behind the scenes we've got loads of good ones. I'm going to say it in the can already. Yes, we've been working behind the scenes. We've got loads to bring you that we want you to hear. They'll be out every Friday. We'll be out every Tuesday.

Don't forget to email us or Instagram us anything, any tips, any stories, anything you want to tell us. And I'll be totally truthful. There's so many emails. If you email now, it might be the top of the list and the one that gets read out. To be honest with you, it's a last come first serve basis around here it's the older elsker from exactly exactly um and i do want people i do want you to anonymously

slag off people at the school gates and i'll get angry and i'll do it and i'll and i can you can live vicariously through my anger. Thanks for listening, guys. I've been Bobby B. That's been Stiffy McGee and we'll be back next week.