Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP10: "Feels like a practice divorce..."

Episode Date: February 23, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP10: "Feels like a practice divorce..."More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob.Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... See, Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe. And Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett.

That's really good. Right, bedtime? Nah. There we go, that is five-year-old Penny Walker. Penny, that was so efficient. It was so efficient. It was almost like a Glaswegian football manager. Just like, let's get this done.

Say the names and we can get it over and done with. Do you know when he's not efficient, Rob? This is Penny saying Josh and Rob's names during her ever-increasing lockdown bedtime, which went from 7.30 to 9pm. Oh, how old is she five she has agreed that if i let her record her voice she'll go straight to bed after as you will hear she lies well oh wow well yeah i think do you know what lockdown as we're recording this we're recording this on the monday um before boris announced the roadmap but 8th of March is looking likely for schools to go back, Josh. How are you feeling about it, Rob?

Oh, I can't wait. All I want is my kids to go to school, a haircut and a weekend at Centre Parcs. That'll do me. Rob, how far away is a haircut for you? The haircut, it must be another three months, two months. Do you know what? Did I tell you I did my own haircut, Rob? Yeah, but you don't really have a hairstyle, do you?

You're just sort of big or short. How very dare you? Yours is just a big ball of hair. not after I dealt with it mate it's absolutely I'm like of sergeant major are you what have you done no well do you know how I cut my hair Rob yeah do you know Kit who does makeup on um and Sammy who did makeup on last leg yeah so uh they couldn't do my haircut but they could direct me to do my haircut oh so they they yeah because i've done stuff now where you get makeup people but they don't they can't put it on your face they tell you how to apply it don't they yeah so i was talked through doing my own haircut basically bunching my hair with my hands and then yeah because i couldn't get the

neck of it with the scissors in the mirror because it's actually very difficult in the mirror trying to cut your own hair it is it is it's really it's very surprising because you suddenly suddenly the mirror image is a problem it's like one of those tricks where you have to drive a thing in a mirror whatever yeah so I just had a pair of clippers just I was just basically holding my hair out and then just clippering the ends off all the bits of hair oh well done does it look all right what did you have it on last leg if i watch it yeah oh yeah it looks all right i think it looks quite good okay i'll have a look on all four later to see your haircut yeah too right and then obviously i'll turn it off immediately once i've seen your hair but i think do you know actually for entertainment and television you are if you get a letter from production, allowed to get your hair cut.

But I think these rules were introduced. If you are playing a period drama character, you have to have your hair cut or you can't do the show. But I think for us... In many ways, Rob, you're playing the character of Rob Beckett, which in many ways has come in the Victorian chimney sweep character. In a way, it is a period drama. It is a period drama of that time.

But yeah, we could sort of bend the rules to get a haircut, but I don't think it's the right thing to do, Josh. No, not when you can do it yourself with clippers. I'll never have my hair cut by someone else again. And I'd argue my Instagram stories are funnier when I've got the hair of Myra Hindley. So, you know, it's working in my favor really the silly hair you know exactly so would you consider cutting your own hair no i can't no i'm not very what about lou cutting your hair she

did it once in the summer and it was it weren't too bad but i'm ever the optimist josh part of me feels like it's gonna happen soon but i'm gonna see what boris says and then make a decision on it but yeah anyway we'll see how's your week been, Josh, in a lucky D3? Ups and downs. Good to know. It was on top of stuff on Wednesday morning at 11.30. I'd say I was on top of everything. It was all going well.

Call from nursery. Daughter's been sick. Oh, do you know what? I hope she's okay but i'm not sort of saying oh god you're so conditioned for it to be covid related i was like oh just a bit of sick old school child illness yes please give me a cowpola duvet and let's ride this out well that's what you bloody think isn't it rob so and i i totally agree with this policy being sick is an instant 48 hourhour ban from nursery.

I think that's fair. I think ban's a harsh word, like you've done it on purpose. Ban's the wrong word, isn't it? Suspended. Even suspended, it feels like she's been sick on someone for effect. Yeah, she keeps trying to go back and they keep telling her to fuck off. It's really awkward. Two-day ban, it's so funny.

I thought when she threw up and they brought out the red card i felt that was unneeded yeah yeah that one was a bit much wasn't it and i didn't even know they had bouncers i thought that was a real yeah she'd never been sick before there'd be no need to use them exactly so we get the phone call she's been been sick. Obviously, her going in Wednesday or Friday, she can't make the Friday that anymore. So suddenly the complexion of the week has changed hugely in an instant. Yes. But you think it'll be fine.

It'll be like clangers and sofa. Yeah. To be honest, I'll probably still get all the stuff I need to do done and Rose will just sit on the sofa and watch the clangers with her. Yeah. So yeah, yeah. Because Rose isn't working at the moment, is she? She does her buying and selling antics.

She's taking photos of my hand holding a variety of heavy things, but yes. Have you got some sort of lock-up? The amount of furniture that Rose is shifting online, it feels like some sort of drug baron cover-up. Do you know what? Do you want me to just go downstairs? I don't know whether this is a good podcast. Could you feel for 30 seconds I'll go downstairs?

Yeah. Take a photo of my daughter's nursery that we've just moved her out of and you'll see what it looks like now? Yeah, go and take a photo and stick it on the Instagram. And you can, I'll text it to you and you can, I'll be back in 10 seconds. We've all been to Josh's house on this podcast for one episode

and I'm still in awe of the knickknacks. I think I can hear Rose laughing at Josh taking a photo. But it's a constant stream of furniture being bought and sold that I don't know where they keep it, if I'm honest with you. And part of me thinks, are they just shipping drugs in it? You buy a hundred pound wardrobe and what do you find in it? A kilo of cake. Do they call it cake? Is cake a drug term snow a kilo of snow michael's laughing and also why you've spoken on this before why am i feeling when you're here i was gonna jump in but i quite

enjoyed you sort of monologuing to yourself what happened well i basically sat monologuing to myself for ages then i realized michael was there and he spoke before and I could have just spoke to Michael. Oh. So bear in mind, a week ago, my daughter slept in this room. Fucking hell, Josh. That's not a house. You're going to have to start paying business rates. I feel like I'm living in a big yellow storage.

Yeah, and it doesn't look bad. It's just that it's a stock room. Yeah, it is a stock room. This is terrible. No, if you do put this, people trying to buy the furniture yeah and it doesn't look bad it's just that it's a stock room yeah it is a stock room this is terrible no if you do put this people trying to buy the furniture we'll have a negotiating sort of strength here by going no i know you need to get rid of it oh well rob we'll come to this can i just say sorry if i i will come back to this i've got so much to tell you but um sorry if i just went quiet but um i did just mistakenly uh wheel away from the microphone because uh i've got a new

chair that has uh loosened my neck oh wow we you've got a proper desk chair office chair i've got an office chair is it ergonomic oh mate do you know what i asked my osteopath i said i should change my chair because i always get i always get stiff neck when I'm in front of the computer. The problem is now, saying I've got a bit of stiff neck is an absolutely fine thing to say, but you can't say that to your osteopath without laughing now, surely. No, of course. And the word stiff neck to me now doesn't mean stiff neck.

It means humourless comedian who's well regarded in Edinburgh but can't sell around the country. Oh, is that what it is? Humorless. I thought that's a bit harsh on a stiff neck. I'd just say they spend more time writing. Well, speaking as one myself, Rob, actually, I take it back because I was thinking this the other day.

In most circles in comedy, I would be considered quite a loose neck. Only on a podcast with you am I considered a stiff neck. i know but you're you're only a little bit stiff you're not a full stiffer yeah i'm not a full stiffer thank you very much you can jump between the two do you know you're not full-blown stiff so you've got a wheelie you've got a wheelie chair that's fun isn't it yeah would you have paid the extra 30 pounds to have the man build it, Rob. And it depends on what my sort of self-esteem situation was that week. I tell you what, during COVID, no. Out of COVID, yes. Because I won't want him in the house.

But did you pay the extra? No, and I regretted it instantly. If I'm honest, the only reason I wouldn't get him to do it would be shame. But that is not a reason to do anything. I could build a fucking... It had a 4.5 easiness rating on Amazon to construction. I thought even out of five.

Fucking hell, that's hard. No, I think it was like, it's good. Oh, maybe it was meant to be 10. No,

surely the lower the number, the easier it is. Oh God. Maybe that was the mistake I made. I've never even heard of this before. An easiest, what is it? An easiest? Well, it was like, you know, it was like mistake I made. I've never even heard of this before. An easiest... What is it? An easiest...

Well, it was like, you know, it was like marks out five. And it was like, one of them was like construction or whatever. And it was 4.5, which I thought meant it was easy to construct. No, that's a hard one. Oh, I've had enough. Well, I tell you what, I knew it was bad. Opened it. It came with a pair of construction gloves.

My trampoline didn't even come with gloves. Who knew a chair came with fucking gloves? Tiny pair of white gloves, like a snooker referee, right? Yeah, why would you need that? Well, I haven't done anything with it. I didn't use them. You had no glove. You de-gloved for it.

I went hand-nude. You are tackled a 4.5 difficulty chair bareback. You're an animal, Josh. I am an animal. And get this, no instructions. What? Where did you get this chair from? I got it from Amazon, I should admit.

I try not to, but it was... I've got Prime and I needed it as a matter of course for my neck. Stop apologising, Josh. Okay. Everyone uses Amazon. Also, someone's got to support the big man. Exactly. But can I i ask a question your house is beautiful right but very sort of like vintagey and everything's from different eras and that like it all goes together like yeah so you this chair is for a stiff neck sitch and it's not about the aesthetic and beauty of it

how has rose dealt with that being in the house because i know lou would find it quite annoying having something in the house that serves a purpose but isn't pretty yeah well let me put it this way my osteopath recommended one of those desks that goes up and down on remote control oh yeah twat desks yeah yeah i know them the one where you feel like i can't write this email sat down i've got energy i've got energy to deliver normally people that doesn't work in a creative industry have them to look creative that's what it is yeah yeah well i would say um when i signed with my agent what would this be now 10 and a half years ago i went to a meeting with another agent. And when I walked into the building, I could see into his glass office and he was stood up with a hands-free

phone with his twat desk up and, and his hands behind his head as he talked. Like he was. Oh my God. That's got to be a 4.5 on the twat rating, isn't it? So you haven't gone for the twat desk. You've got your normal desk, but a good chair.

No, I've got the normal desk. I thought I wouldn't do the twat desk, because I'd prefer to be in physical pain for the rest of my life than have a twat desk. Hunched over like a wanking squirrel, but I'm no twat, mate. Exactly. I'm no twat. Don't you worry about me. Yeah, my back's in pieces, but I'm not a tw, man. Exactly. I'm no twat. Don't you worry about me.

Yeah, my back's in pieces but I'm not a twat. No worries. Anyway. Anyway, so you got the chair and you set it all up yourself. Yeah, well, I would have paid you. And then I found the instructions.

Oh. The absolute classic. Yeah. Why was I saying this? Anyway, the reason I was saying this is we went to pick up my daughter from nursery. Oh, yeah, she's been sick, yeah. So by the time we got to nursery,

you know when you're sick and then you're just completely fine? Yes. You've completely got rid of the bug. It's almost like a tactical sick on a big piss up. Yeah. She was fine. Oh, no. Full of beans.

Yeah. Didn't want to leave nursery. Couldn't understand why she'd let us go. Oh, she can't compute the ban. Can't compute the ban. She's the ban she's got four she's sitting on a 48 hour ban full energy oh no bless her she's desperate to seal the kids yeah i'm gonna say it rob obviously you would never wish illness on your own child but it's it's even more galling when they've got a 48 hour ban and they're completely fine yeah because you sort of think if they're in enough to leave nursery,

they're curled up on the sofa until they feel better. Exactly. It's not a fair swap, Josh. It's not a fair swap, Rob. But there we go. How has your lockdown been? Well, last week has been interesting. Well, it's quite difficult to do a parenting podcast because I've been filming with Romesh.

Yeah. For new episodes of Rob and Romesh versus I've been in a flat on my own for a week and I've basically been in this flat while we film and I'm just at the end of like a a five-day isolation test to release thing that I've imposed on myself so I should be going home tomorrow when this goes out on Tuesday I should be I'll be at home by then because I've not seen anyone um so yeah I've been in a flat of my own going mental in a way Rob yeah you have been given the gift a lot of us have been dreaming of for the last 12 months yeah I cannot deny it was horrible saying goodbye to Lou and the girls but the first 48 hours in a flat on my own was glorious I can imagine I can't and I'd

only be lying if I said now, obviously it's been a, probably about a week and a half or whatever. I'm missing them. And I really want to get home and lose. Poor Lou's been having to look after both of them. So she's had the right shitty stick on the end of this. But it feels very much like a practice divorce.

And obviously we're not, we are very happy. There's no no potential divorce but if we were to get divorced the actual day-to-day situation i'm in now is what it would be i'm going to ask you a few questions yes did you bring the playstation yes yeah did you bring a lot of work to get on with? Yes, but I haven't really done as much as I planned because of... If I refer you back to the first question... LAUGHTER Because I used to...

When you got kids, it'd be like, I'd be able to get an hour in at about eight o'clock and then I can't play Call of Duty, the war game, too late because I have bad dreams because it's too intense. So, like, I've been playing a lot of that, to be fair. So what was your next question? No, they were the only questions. Your case rests, Your Honour.

What's your food been like? Well, food, I've had to buy loads of food in because I couldn't go to the shops again. But I've been doing keto as well, which is just no carbs and no sugar. So I've done that for about three weeks now actually and um that's been all right it's been quite good to have a little diet thing like that because you can put sometimes choice is the enemy josh yes and then where should i get a takeaway from here or should i go there but i just i've been going to the shops i've been quite strict my diet and i've lost a little bit of weight so i'm quite happy with that so that's been a positive but

what i'd say is though as much as it's a nightmare having kids in lockdown, and this has been great to have a bit of time to do my work and sleep, but without anyone else in your flat, the days are fucking long. They are long. What are your hours? What hours are you keeping? Well, I'm waking up about 8 o'clock in the morning, just out of sort of habit, which is a bit of a lie-in anyway, 8 o'clock.

Then basically I go to bed about 11 and watch YouTube for about three hours. I just can't get to sleep. So I'm not really doing enough in the day to get tired. So it's very much like two extremes. But, yeah, it's like the kids do keep you busy they do fill the day even though it's exhausting but like i don't know how they how those people that did um you know before we was even allowed support bubbles when people that lived alone in a flat on their own in a big city hat goes off it must have been so hard to do and i have listened to so many podcasts to like,

because it's like company. So I really hope that there are people that listen to this and it just feels like you catch up with mates because that really helped me just sort of doing that. But anyway, I'm home tomorrow, but yeah, nothing too mental has happened. Do you talk to yourself? Yes, sort of quite sort of motivational stuff.

A bit like a football manager from the sidelines. Like, if I've got a bit down, don't worry, Rob, you've done a big shot this morning, you've had a cup of tea, you've gone for a walk, it's going okay. Just do some more Lego and colouring in and it'll all be all right. Wow. I've made a Fiat 500 out of Lego. Nice.

I've got a little baby Yoda to do and I've been doing loads of colouring in. Oh, mate. It's mad that you've left your kids and I've been doing loads of coloring in. Oh mate. It's mad that you've left your kids and you're doing the exact same thing that they're doing. I know, but I don't, I'm not really one of those blokes that like, yeah,

can't wait to get away from the water for kids. I quite like being with them to be honest. But the coloring in, I sort of think it's a good thing to do in my time, but it does almost look like the notebook of someone on death row. You know, like when they like released to the paper, like Charles Br of someone on death row you know like when they like release to the paper like charles bronson's coloring and you're like oh my god yeah you know and i think if i gave it to a therapist i'm like yeah he's gone quite hard on that leaf

of that tree what are your pictures that you're doing oh mate i'm a strictly mandala man a strictly mandala man manda not mandala not just portraits all right i was gonna say because there's a lot there's a lot of colors on those shirts that's that's going to be a lot of fun to color oh yeah nelson mandela yeah basically i just do different stages of nelson mandela really you met the world cup final for the rugby him on the day became president no it's called mandala m-a-n-d-a-l-a-s mandalas mandelas it's like intricate like patterns i'll. I'll take some photos and send,

I'll send one to you now so you can see. Yes, send one on to me now. So I've been doing that. It's been good. That's nice. I sent you a picture.

Oh, whoa, you've done a really good job of that, Rob. Oh, that picture? Yeah, I'm quite good at them. Oh, that's lovely. I've done loads.

I'll tell you what, I'll take proper pictures later and we'll put them on Instagram so you can see what. What's your, what's your medium? what my felt tip pen

felt tip crayon a very fine one it's no they're called Arteza Inconic and I almost definitely didn't get them

from Amazon I'm going to say it Rob I've just remembered that you said to me that you'd disappeared down a David Ike wormhole yes yes and you know what i thought well that's a bit of fun we've all disappeared down a david

ike wormhole on uh online to see what you know what's going on there but the fact you were at home on your own in a flat suddenly gives the whole thing a much harder edge do you know what i genuinely think that if i did another month in here, I'd be a fundamentalist in something. Whether it was anti-vax or religion or conspiracy theories. Give me another month on my own

with Colouring In and YouTube and I would be up to all sorts. So it's really quite good that I'm going home. So Rob. Yes. Do you know what'm going home. So, Rob. Yes. Do you know what I've started to do, Rob? Yeah.

Actually, I've decided I need to do something before bed to relax. Yes. So, get ready to call me the king of the stiff necks. Okay, go on. When I was at Sickform, Rob, I did A-level photography. Yeah. So, I've got really into buying books of photography

and looking at photographs oh Josh that is one of my favourite things oh really I'm obsessed with photography books

are you yeah no on my life I tell you when I go Tashen does all the best posh ones

but they're expensive but they sometimes do some cheaper ones but they're amazing it's such an addiction yeah it's amazing everyone just takes such shitty pictures on their phone and think oh that's what a photo is but when you

see it done properly oh my god yeah oh my god what photography books have you got so i've started with martin parr because you are of martin parr rob i'm gonna buy i'm gonna buy you and get you delivered a martin parr book i haven't i haven't experienced martin parr you are going to love it rob um so i start with that and then basically i've just broadened out by reading a bit about him and then seeing the names of other photographers and broadening from there oh i love that documentary photographer i like that the stuff the real stuff real british you'd love it rob it's all about the brit seaside. Oh, love it. Yeah, I'll definitely like that. I've got a, I'm a big fan of Neil Leifer, who's a boxing photographer.

Oh, yeah. And he's taken all the shots from like Ali up to Tyson and Wilder and Joshua and stuff. But this is my new, it relaxes me so much. Yeah. Oh, that's good. I thought it was a bit of a stiff neck hobby, but there we go. Maybe I'm a secret stiff one. Who knows?

Maybe you're a secret stiffy. I've got a secret stiffy in my colouring book. But the thing is, though, Josh, I'm very much a man of two parts, where I will do that colouring in for hours listening to podcasts, if I'm on my own or on the train somewhere, or actually not on the train because it's too jerky, but like in a hotel room before a gig.

But I'll also do that all day, feel quite zen and then before bed, I'll watch street fight knockout compilations and bouncers on YouTube. So it's like, I can't work out where I sit.

I think, Rob, I think your problems you're having with sleep are that you're doing your day in the wrong order. I am. I should start with the bouncer fights finish on the coloring in exactly our coloring in before bad yes exactly oh well that's good

you've got a little that yes that's my new hobby i do think that's quite important though where i got a bit obsessed when i first had kids making sure that their day's amazing and do stuff for them but then i realized if i take some time for me I'll be a better dad when I'm doing dad stuff. And you're better off to be a better dad for a short period and then you go off and do something for you rather than just sort of being quite a stressed out, angry dad all day. You know what I mean? Totally agree. Totally agree. It is. So can I tell you about the one thing I did this weekend, Rob? Yes, you can. Go for it.

Cleaned out the basement. You cleaned out the basement? I didn't even know you had a basement. Wow, wow, wow, Rob. Would you like to see the before and after? Oh, this is an absolute multimedia extravaganza. If people aren't following us on Instagram after this. People are going to have to get more data for their Instagram accounts. Is that right?

This is the before. Yep. And here is the after. Come on. Give it to me. Oh, Josh, that is very impressive. Thank you very much. It spent basically the whole of Saturday on it, cleaning out the basement.

So what's your plan for that? Because it's not... It's quite a functional basement because you've got all your gas and electric and stuff down there and I've seen an ironing board. Is there potential to turn that into like a little podcast recording studio?

No, no. Or a cat like a podcast recording no no or a cat or a bar a bar well no because um it's got the washing machine and the tumble dryer and the ironing board and all the cleaning stuff just out of shot so it is it's just functional but do you know what it's brought up rob an issue in our relationship. Oh, no, what's that? A Matthew Crosby-esque issue. Come on, give it to me. I love this. So issues with Rose and what she does. Have you brought it up with her yet?

Yeah, I have. I have brought it up with her, and that's part of the issue. Because have you got any issues with Lou where she knows it's something that annoys you, but I think still doesn't remedy it, but if anything anything thrives on the fact she knows it annoys you um she does she she does it's when she just decides the house is gonna be tidy even though it's been a mess for three days and then she'll give me grief for the fair if i'm totally honest though i am way worse to live with than she i will i've got the i've got such a short memory i'll just leave covers open and she just says the whole house such a short memory I will just leave cupboards open

and she just says the whole house is a handsome and gretel trail of what you've done that day. She reckons she could write

my diary for me just by seeing what I've left over. So that crumbs on the side he's had a bit of toast. Oh look he must have got

something out of that cupboard because it's wide open. It looks like he's cleaned out the hamster cage because there's bits of hamster cage stuff on the floor. It's CSI Beckenham that's what's wide open. It looks like he's cleaned out the hamster cage because there's bits of hamster cage stuff on the floor. It's CSI Beckenham.

That's what's going on. That's what it is, yeah. Anyway, so what was the issue with Rose? There is a bag of presents that she bought for her cousins and auntie who live in Nottingham for Christmas 2018. Okay, well, part of me is going, that's still a bit late for this Christmas just gone, even though it's been COVID, right?

That she's been saying she's going to send for two and a half years, Rob. Okay, but has she sent ones for 2019 and 2020? No, I didn't allow her to buy them until she sent the 2018 ones. And do you know what, Rob? This is going to show me a petty man. A few weeks ago, I considered throwing the bag away

to see whether she would ever bring it up, whether she'd ever notice. Yeah, but it's a waste of presents, isn't it? It is. So we're not allowed... They're still wrapped. How big are they? I'd say...

I was going to say, what are they? But I don't want to ruin the surprise. When they get them. It's mainly cheese, actually. I know. It's a puppy. So it's a bag of wrapped... Yeah.

I'd say the size of a plastic bag. Like plastic bags were... Oh, so it's not massively in the way, but it's a bag of wrapped yeah I'd say the size of a plastic bag like plastic bags were oh so it's not massively in the way but it's there yep but it's it's sat

in in various rooms and now it sits in the in the basement waiting to be set what would you do about this Rob I would bring them out of the basement

and put them on the dinner table she said don't put them up she was furious at the idea that I'd put them in the hallway by the front door that's another place I'd put them that's where I was going to put them on the dinner table. She said, don't put them up. She was furious at the idea that I'd put them in the hallway. By the front door.

That's another place I'd put them. That's where I was going to put them, Rob. Yeah. Why doesn't she just send them? Mate, you're preaching to the choir. So what's been our excuses? I don't know if there's any literal excuse, but I think it's always,

it's just slightly far too down the to-do list every time. It's never the priority thing. But I think there comes a point two and a half years in when it needs to be the priority. Well, yeah, and I think it's almost quite funny that they get them now as well. So I don't think there's any embarrassment. How do they feel that they've not had a present for three years?

Well, I don't know, Rob. I don't know. And you've not seen them in person for three years? i don't know rob i don't know and you've not seen them in person for three years obviously we haven't seen them in person since um yeah but that is still that because we're into lockdown in 2020 actually we have seen them in person yeah we have seen them in person in the summer you might have seen yeah the summer summer 2019 so we would have seen this would have been post... I mean, honestly, I just want to open them and see what's in there.

I'm just now... Rose doesn't know what's in there now, obviously. It's too late. But what if it's loads of people that have been cancelled? It's like, you know, like a Wiley album. Do you know what I mean? Like, stuff that was OK in 2018. A signed Wiley album.

That was really expensive in 2018. Wiley album that was really expensive in 2018 oh that yeah that is a naughty but you found that when you tidied up did you yeah and it's still down there it's the only bit of mess left in the basement just it's just down in the middle of the floor of the basement I tell you what I'm going to do

what I might do it's for every week they're not sent I'm going to open a new one on this podcast yes please Josh I'll give her seven days this is a great idea give her a week

sent up and then every Tuesday she listens to the podcast so I'm not going to say that I've said this so that'll probably give her two days

of listening time yep two days so that'll give her five days to send before I'll open one on next week's podcast I think that's fair

so okay no one message Rose let's do it like this let's give her the week and then if it's not sent we open one on next week's podcast. I think that's fair. So, okay, no one message, Rose. Let's do it like this. Let's give her the week, and then if it's not sent, we open one on Tuesday. Yeah, perfect. Perfect. That's a great idea, Josh.

Oh, I'm excited about that. Oh, my God. It feels like we may have an item for this show. We may have an item for this show. We're producing from the airwaves here. We've got an item for the show. That'd be great. I'm excited about this, Josh. Yeah, I now don't want to send them. I'll be absolutely gutted if sheaves here. Exactly. We've got an item for the show. That'd be great. I'm excited about this, Josh.

Yeah, I now don't want to send them. I'll be absolutely gutted if she sends them. Yeah. Right, Rob, a couple of quick emails. Yes, please, Joshua. Shall we play the game we like to play where I give you the titles and you choose the email?

Yeah, that's always good. Okay, fake New new year emotional low points or stupid things to cry over oh um okay let's separate the crying um let's start with emotional low points go into new year and then have the other sad one is that a sandwich yeah right this is from ailey mcqueen hi rob and josh i was listening to a recent episode where you asked about emotional low points in lockdown and how things can get emotional in surprising ways. I thought I'd share with you a thing

that made me cry during lockdown that normally wouldn't have. Number one, a cheesecake. I was scrolling on Facebook one day and one of my friends had liked a cheesecake on some cafe's page. I cried because the cheesecake was so beautiful and I was so sad that I didn't have one. I had to turn the telly off the other day because James Martin was on this morning making

Chelsea buns and I'm not allowed carbs. I just had to turn it over. I didn't cry. Now, that's nice. I think it's fun. I think this could be a regular item things that made you cry that shouldn't really make you cry

because I cried at the end of School of Rock the film did you? I was just so happy yeah but yeah I can buy that Rob

but that's okay and the other thing I cried at the other day was a blind boy at a festival singing along to Jerry Cinnamon it was brutal

he was just loving it was this one of your midnight YouTube trolls singing along to Jerry Cinnamon. It was brutal. He was just loving it. Was this one of your midnight YouTube trolls? Some of the stuff I've been watching on YouTube. Jesus Christ. Is that a cry for help? I reckon you could pass my search history to the police and I'd get sectioned. Number two, she cried at Peppa Pig.

Oh, through anger or sadness? In this particular episode, it was Mummy Pig's birthday. Daddy Pig got her a new dress, tickets to the theatre, and then Granny and Grandpa Pig just casually popped over, offering their babysitting services for the night. I cried again out of pure jealousy of the situation and sadness it wouldn't happen to me. Oh, do you know what?

I could go. As she was reading that, it made me realise... Because the thing is, Josh, life is so shit at the moment isn't it like you can't even just go like and meet your mate for a pint oh my it's mental isn't it and i'm getting conditioned that it's normal it's not normal yeah oh god yeah i'm jealous imagine imagine being jealous of miss pepper whatever mom's name is mum pig mummy pig mummy pig Mummy Pig. Oh. I'm sorry for you there. That is bad. Oh, we've got another stupid things to cry over.

Do you want that? Yeah. It's from Sadie Lawrence. Currently homeschooling a four-year-old boy, not at all assisted by his 21-month-old sister, in between shifts as a midwife. A midwife? A midwife.

Oh, Jack the Ripper impersonator. Just listening to Series 2, Episode 6. I mean, I'm not going to be able to tell you which one that is. And heard your question about the stupidest things you've cried over. And I thought mine might be up there. My little boy is absolutely obsessed with dinosaurs and has been for years. This means that he's often roaring to add sound effects to whichever dinosaurs he's currently playing with. During the second of the two times he had to isolate due to a positive case in his class,

I asked him to stop roaring for a little while because I couldn't stand the noise any longer. He said no, so I burst into tears. I lost it a bit and I think I would class this as my milk tray moment. I think that is a classic milk tray moment. Yeah, the problem is, really, I think it is that is that is a classic milk tray moment yeah that the problem is they're just really i think i think it's been paloma faith also congratulations to paloma faith on her baby congratulations that when she said about like the kids are actually okay with this is the parents that aren't coping and i think that is so true because it's like they're like

they just sort of bowed in about going oh yeah home school whatever and we're the ones that just one moment away from breaking into tears oh my oh god we had to explain it um rose had to explain it to my daughter yesterday what lockdown was yeah she's got to an age lockdown's gone on so long that she's now comprehends it yeah that's the same for us where my eldest was going when lockdown ends can my friends come over and i was like yeah yeah you can but But yes, they can. Hopefully April. So we've got, yeah, so she was asking why she couldn't have her friends over and stuff. And we had to explain it while she was sat on the potty having a shit as well.

It was quite a weird moment. I would like to, I would like to say that the positives we can get from this is, if your kid is hanging around with someone you don't really like, you can just say to them, no lockdown they can't come over but oh yeah insert name of kids you do like they can come over yeah they have the test is that mean no i think that's fine i think that's totally fine it is weird we haven't actually talked about the new measures have we really but like um it does suddenly I know, like a long time away still from any sense of normality, doesn't it? Well, I think from the 8th, schools go back.

And I think technically we could meet at a park, me and Lou with the kids. And so two households could meet. And then you and Rose with the kids. I think that the weather will help. Like yesterday, I felt so much more positive. Yeah, just because the sun was out for a bit but what i would say is though if i had to be in this flat in august when it was light from 9 a.m to 9 p.m that day would be too long i'd run out i'd run out of ink i'd be mandalad off me nut

i can't the vision of you in that flat is quite bleak um fake new year this is from Jenny Burse. Wanted to email about after hearing about the pretend New Year's Eve party on the 30th. For the last two years, we've managed to convince our boys, age four and six, that they've stayed up until midnight on Hogmanay by using the previous year's London fireworks celebration on YouTube on the TV, when in actual fact, it was 7.45pm. Oh. I managed to convince

my oldest, who was asking why people were allowed to gather in a crowd this year due to Covid, that TV people just added in those shots to make it feel more like a celebration. They weren't really there, but the fireworks and the celebrations were certainly real. They don't question the year being shown,

as we just say, it's to celebrate the year being finished. We have a couple of Kaylee dances and the boys are worn out uh having stayed up so late they're always asleep by 8 15 not sure if we'll get away with it next year but we'll probably try i think that's a very ingenious way you're giving them a new year yeah i just i do think though you've just got your kids grow up so quick you've just got to get in with like bullshitting them early doors because you run out of years do you know what i mean so it's worth a go 100 yeah you know like with bullshitting your kids yeah like my daughter's obsessed with christmas she still goes on about it and she makes us play uh she called it pretend christmas where i have to be father christmas and she

closed her eyes and then you pretend to give her presents right yeah and i do think even at three i am thinking is she buying this father christmas bullshit hang on you've got to do a trigger warning here sorry sorry sorry you can't you can't bowl into it like that josh sorry but i'm talking about me being pretend christmas you just got to try and drag it out for as long as possible oh Josh, Lewis just sent me the roadmap has been published

do you want to hear it? yeah go on, live reaction education, 8th March schools and colleges open for all students practical higher education courses so how far away is that? two weeks 8th March, social contact Practical higher education courses. Yeah. So how far away is that? Two weeks. Two weeks.

Two weeks. Yeah. 8th of March. Social contact. Exercise and recreation outdoors with one other. With household. With another household. Oh, that's good.

So it's looking like first pint in a pub could be 12th of April. Four days after my birthday. No, that'll still be part. That'll be the Monday. It's a long way away, isn't it, Rob? International travel might be. Oh, why am I doing this this is shit yeah um it's bleak okay um josh let's leave that have you got another email do you want one more email rob yes please okay do you want bedtime routine portable lose or how rob can have wonderful birthdays how rob could have

wonderful birthdays because after that fucking mess i need it i've got long hair and no friends let's have a birthday party hi rob and josh just listening to the latest episode feeling a lot of solidarity with rob uh what with my birthday being christmas evenal we emigrated to new zealand a few years ago and christmas just for listeners rob what is she referring to my birthday is on the 2nd of january 2nd of january we emigrated to new zealand and a few years ago and christmas summer here is a revelation nobody goes back to work until at least after new year's and as the schools are out until february it's common for people to take the month off over christmas and january to enjoy the beautiful weather we have all summer long more importantly 2nd of january is a public holiday. No way!

Nobody is back at work. It's mid-twenties and everyone's down a beach and having a barbie. Plus, the Kiwis are not shy of a beer, so there'll be plenty of people keen to celebrate with you. Simply, you and your loved ones need to move to New Zealand. OK, and there's no COVID there. And there's no COVID there. Oh, do you know what? I mean, that does give me hope.

I've wanted to go on holiday, like winter sun. Yeah. After Christmas. And I have a big summer holiday after Christmas, rather in August. Because the UK is so lovely in August. Yeah. I never get why you waste your money going away then, when you can just go to like the New Forest or somewhere and it'd be nice.

Yeah. So maybe I'll shift my annual holiday. But it's the kids, isn't it? That's it. Oh, fucking kids. shift my annual holiday but it's the kids isn't it that's it oh fucking kids it's the kids going back to school isn't it

me and Luke could fuck off till mid-Jan fuck's sake fucking kids oh god I started well I'm going to have

to do some more colouring in to get me out of this road map funk well that's all we've got time for

on today's episode of Lockdown Parenting Hell. Oh dear. Let's go to New Zealand. Do a live episode from New Zealand on the 2nd of January. Should we do that? Yeah, no, you can go, Rob. But I've got school dates and stuff. I've got education to worry about for my children rather than a piss-up for your birthday.

Wicked. All right then, we'll see you on Friday. I think we've got Sean Locke as the guest very exciting yeah and scary he's a scary man he's a scary man

but he was in a no I was going to say he was in a good mood but I wouldn't want to lie see you on Friday see you then