Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP14: The Harry and Meghan spike

Episode Date: March 9, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP14: The Harry and Meghan spike More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Is it Josh Widdicombe? No, Widdicombe. Widdicombe?

Widdicombe. Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Yeah. Rob Beckett. Josh Widdicombe. No, Widdicombe. Widdicombe. I'm enjoying this. Wow. That's a great start, isn't it?

Well, the problem with this is sometimes when they, it's hard with children because that kid was a bit like gremlin-y with a voice. You would go, wow, what a weird sort of gremlin voice then. But then I get worried in case you go, that's Sarah and she's been at speech therapy. And You would go, oh, wow, what a weird sort of gremlin voice then. But then I get worried in case you go, oh, that's Sarah and she's been at speech therapy. And I'm like, oh, no. Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Stanley was a little later talking. Yeah, see? So I've been waiting for him to do his rendition for your names and he didn't disappoint. That is from Emma Borders. Go on, Emma. But am I allowed to talk about that?

Because I had to have speech therapy as a child. Is that like a thing where you could own it? Like Alex Brooker's allowed to talk about that? Because I had to have speech therapy as a child. Is that like a thing where you can own it? Like Alex Brooker's allowed to talk about having one leg. Yeah, I had nausea. Yeah, to be fair, if I had one leg, you'd know about it. If you had one leg, Rob, I wouldn't have a job. Winnicombe's gone.

Have you heard the good news or the bad news? Rob's lost a leg in an accident. Bad news, Josh. He's taking your spot on last leg. Josh, I am absolutely fizzing with life. Yeah. School's back. School's back.

We record this Monday. We drop the kids off. And one at nursery, one at school. Oh, it feels great. The vibe at the school gate was outrageous. Was it? Oh, it was just that people were buzzing. And then, like, I walked past one geezer who definitely had an haircut. I went, you've had an haircut? He went, yeah, I did yesterday. gate was outrageous was it oh it's just like people were buzzing and then like i won't pass

one geisha who definitely had an haircut oh you've had an haircut yeah i did yesterday i think his garden's down normally someone lies and says oh my wife did it yeah yeah got my hairdresser to do it oh did you and yeah and he walked off and i was like you shouldn't have told me that really couldn't give a shit i know but i think the vibe of first day back got to him. He didn't care anymore. People snogging at the school gate. It's like when the army people come back at the end of the war, wasn't it? It was just absolute bedlam.

Yeah, and it feels like, because of Harry and Meghan. Soldiers, that's the word. Soldiers, that's what they're called. And heroes, I think you'll find they're called. I'm sorry, heroes. Yes, thank you. But what I found was, because of the Harry and Meghan stuff is so huge, it's like COVID ain't a thing.

Right, yeah. You know what I mean? I feel like this is one of the first days I've forgotten there's a pandemic. There's going to be a Harry and Meghan spike. There might be a Harry and Meghan spike. People all just want to talk to each other closely about Harry and Meghan. And do you know what I found interesting from a parenting point of view on the podcast is, out of all the stuff that's going on and all the scandal from the interview, is that Prince Charles doesn't return Harry's phone calls.

Man. How can you as a dad not do that? I mean, like, that beyond everything, surely your relationship with your son, whether or not you're not on good terms, but just not pick up the phone to your kid and he hasn't really done anything that wrong harry do you know i mean you may not agree with how he's operating as like oh they annoy me or whatever if that's what your opinion is but ultimately as a person is he is he still taking prince andrew's phone calls but not harry's who's he talking to i don't think he's i don't think he's been taking Prince Andrew's phone calls

for quite a few years, judging by the crown. Yeah, I know. But then, do you watch the crown, Rob? No, I don't. I sort of... I've seen... I know what happens. They're constantly not taking each other's phone calls.

Do they come in with a phone on a pillow? Is that a thing? Well, they do in the crown, basically. But, like, are they doing that now? Or has Prince Charles got a mobile? Is he phoning, like, are they doing that now? Or has Prince Charles got a mobile? Is he phoning like dad mob? Surely they're not allowed mobiles. No, I mean, I don't think, you know,

like I know Prince Philip's not well at the moment. I don't think he'd be allowed a mobile. Imagine the WhatsApp groups he'd be in. No chance. Anyway, Josh, how have you been? I've just, do you know what? I'll be honest with you, I had a terrible week, but today it's sort of all vanished

because I'm so happy today, but yesterday was brutal. It's an interesting way of answering the question. How have you been to carry on with your own way? That is a Rob Beckett special. You know, if you're not sure about their answer, answer it for yourself. Sorry, Josh. Let's do you first, Rob. No, let's do you first. I can't sit still, Josh. I've got lots of boring stories, Rob. So let's start with the energy. Like taking a toddler to the park. Let's burn you out a bit before we move on to my stories. Well, basically, I've had four coffees.

There's a whole... Have you? Yeah, because I've been up early getting the kids out. I've been watching... Piers Morgan fell apart on the news. Tricia Goddard skewered him at the end and called him a bully. It's all been kicking off, Josh. I can't keep up. Piers Morgan's... I've never

really got over the fact Meghan Markle wouldn't be his friend, has he? He really... Is that what they're saying? Because she binned him off? He's kind of said that himself, but he's implied that that's not the real reason that he's really angry. We should move on from the Royals, but there is a very good Cold War Steve that I saw that he's made. Do you follow Cold War Steve on Instagram? cold war steve on instagram illustrator it does illustrations of topical events

is that right yeah yeah there's a very good one of pierce morgan uh in his bedroom made to look like a shrine to mega markel yeah it is it is weird the obsession with her in it but um anyway anyway okay let's get back to the week josh right right? Sorry about this. So you got up. You've had four coffees. I've had four coffees. I'm flooded with royal news. It's incredible. I watched Good Morning Britain, which got me to such a frenzy. Wow.

I don't think I could do that to myself. Yeah. Oh, mate. It was like being on news speed. And then I had to watch Lorraine for a comedown, basically. That was sort of like the acoustic tent at Glastonbury, just to sort of get all the energy out of me. but I'm still absolutely what have you done gone back to good morning Britain before we recorded this yeah but yeah I've just I've just recorded an

episode from mid-pandemic just to get me really riled up an early Hancock interview it's a really angry way to start the day isn't it good morning I know but I was so happy I had to calm myself down that's why I sometimes listen to true crime podcasts, because I get too happy. Right, yeah. Here we go, right. Let's change the mood. So tell me about your shit week. Alright, okay, first of all, I've been getting trolled, okay?

I wouldn't say trolled, but just dickheads on Twitter. I'm not going to say they are, because I think it's unfair, but someone, right, tweeted me, after I did an Instagram story about how dirty my car was, right? Yeah, you're still dealing with the big issues then. Yeah, yeah, I am. I'm still dealing with the big issues.

Why are you not saving that kind of content for this show, Rob? I don't know. Well, it was just loads of crumbs everywhere, and it was an outline, but it was on my stories. But I put it on my stories, and someone didn't even reply to my stories because I've got that turned off, has tweeted me, after seeing your Instagram about the back of your car, the mess, three exclamation marks, how the hell is it that disgusting? I've got two children and it's spotless. Well, fucking good for you.

Oh, it's spotless. Well done. Well done, you. But what else are you doing in your life? All right? I've got other stuff going on, little Miss Clean Car. Do you know who you sound like? You like piers morgan talk about megan markle trying to pretend that you have got over her yeah okay well let's move on from that one

because i've got another little nerd attack let's let's ponder on that one okay how do you have a clean car well because not not you how does one have a clean car with children are they not snacking well like i know i've got two they've got she's reckoned she's got two kids as well and i'm just like all right you have got a clean car well done but like who cares yeah i took the approach of my car as a sacrificial lamb of a vehicle i could not give a fuck about the cleanness of my car exactly it's basically if you people that have dogs the car's messy or if if you have horses, you accept that. And with children, I think you have to treat them like livestock.

Accept that they will ruin a car. And then when that gets about 13, you have a no food in the car rule. And everyone lives by that. But up until that point, I will be throwing Happy Meals and Pomb Bears at them to keep them shut up. I think that's fair, isn't it? Yeah. I think the cleanliness of your car is the least of your problems, Rob. If you're throwing Happy Meals throughout. I've got an absolute stiff neck on Twitter as well.

Give me shit, Josh. Oh, no. Here we go. Not the stiff necks. He's sidled up this geezer. I think that first woman's neck is pretty stiff. Surprise, she's allowed to drive. She won't be able to check her blind spot.

Sure it's clean. If you check around the corners, stiff neck. Eye straight forward. I don't know if it's a lady, but it's got KSW and there's a picture of a sunflower and it leaves a lot of emojis. So I'm just assuming it's a lady, but it might be a man.

Doesn't matter, does it? This one, listen to this stiff neck, right, Josh? He's grassing me in to the podcast that we own with Michael Josh, right? You know, like normally you complain to Mock the Week. You're at Mock the Week. I think it's unfair what that person said because Mock the Week. You're at Mock the Week. I think it's unfair what that person said. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because Mock the Week own that and choose to go on it. But we own the show here, don't we? Does he think that there's, like, a big office based around this podcast? He thinks, yeah. And we're merely a couple of kind of hired. Hired guys. Like, there's a big glass office in Soho where there's 20 people making sure this all runs effectively. Yeah, and Michael's in there alone with a big glass office in Soho where there's 20 people making sure this all runs effectively.

And Michael's in there alone with a big cigar as the producer of the podcast. And we're just we have no say. He's in. And he could get rid of us and get other people in. That's what he's imagining. This big thing. Yeah. At Lockdown Parent.

On that. We do need to have that meeting after this, Michael, which is me and you. Here I go. So, he's grasping me in this geezer. At Lockdown Parent, interested to listen to last week's episode. To hear that, Rob Beckett is showing his young children the Simpsons. At Disney Plus UK, has it listed as a 12 plus and under adult animation content? Doesn't seem like the sort of thing to be endorsing.

I tell you what, mate, go f*** yourself and endorse what I want when I f***ing want, all right? Why do you give a s*** what my kids are watching? You f***ing nosy old b****. There, I said it. And sack me. Sack me if you want. Lockdown parenting, sack me.

I'm endorsing The Simpsons for my fucking kids because I can do whatever I want. All right? They're my kids to a certain degree. Were they espressos? What coffees were these? I don't know who made them, but I think she wanted me to leave the house for a walk

with too much energy. So I think that she might have upped them. She might have left it on strong, the old coffee machine. Did you reply on Twitter? No, I don't get involved in that. I just thought, you know, just ignore it and not let it get to me. Do you know what I mean? I'm quite zen these days.

Yeah, it's water off a duck's back, isn't it, for you? Yeah, I mean, in between meditations, you see that kind of stuff and you don't let it get to you. But yeah, sorry if I've come in too strong, Josh. I had to get off my chest it's fine so how often do you get how often do you get abuse on twitter i i don't i've got fully hold my hands up i don't read any of the comments on my twitter so i don't know whether i am the victim of lots of abuse or not very much but i'm genuinely interested how much abuse do you get do you know what a lot but I think it's like everyone gets a lot of abuse on Twitter and do you know what when it's me and like a TV shows that I've done or whatever I don't really care but for some reason because I

pride myself on being a good person a good husband and a good dad so if they come for me about my kids I go into and we've spoken about this before, sort of dad rage, where, you know, I nearly had a fight outside the school gates. There is an element of, it overtakes you, doesn't it? Yes, there's an element of my upbringing that, you know,

I am not too far away from tops off fighting the street. I've tried to stay away from that side of my personality, but that doesn't live with me. But that's why you're on the diet, isn't it? Yeah, that is why.

I've lost nine pounds, Josh. So you're almost ready for your topless street fight? Yeah, I'm ready for a topless street fight about what time of day I show my kids The Simpsons, even though it's on at 6pm on Channel 4, which is technically pre-Watershed. You little fucking nerdy prick. Sorry, Josh.

Right, Josh, how's your week? Because I'm getting... I'm going mad. I think, Josh, I'm going to try and calm down now. You do seem to have burned yourself out now, which is good. I had a very stressful Sunday, that was all. Oh, was it? What happened on your Sunday?

Well, basically, because they're going back to school, the shoes situation, none of her school uniform sort of fits. But it's not so small she can't get away with it. But we don't really want to buy a new lot because she won't wear it for long enough, I think. She needed new shoes. And then because my child's basically been feral for three months and just worn wellington boots or slippers every shoe is too tight so we tried about 15 different pairs of shoes that were too tight and then it turned into this big thing and then we tried to

go to a park yesterday in a pair of her trainers and they were too tight as well and she cried and hobbled along like a lame dog you know like right and then when she got to the playground run along the balance beams didn't care at all and then they wouldn't stop arguing and fighting to the point when we were driving home they were arguing so much I just turned the radio on to fall and sang out loud for 15 minutes oh wow to sort of drown out the noise. So it was quite an intense Sunday. Yeah. So in many ways, The Simpsons was the least of your problems.

Oh, yes, the least of the problems. Yeah, sure, they keep saying, you know, eat my shorts. Could you imagine that? 11-year-old saying, eat my shorts, man. Oh, my God. That'd be terrible, wouldn't it? It'd be so bad. But why The Simpsons is at 12?

Because, I don't know, but on Channel 4, it's on at 6 o'clock. Don't worry about it. Chill out, mate. There's a lot bigger things to worry about. Anyway, sorry, Josh. I've burnt out now. We can crack on normally. No, you needed to get it out of your system.

I think the issue is, Josh, now it's turned into therapy. I, at the moment, am doing this podcast and I'm doing a lot of writing, which is very reflective and internal. But you know me. I need to scream into the darkness you've never written before in your life as well no exactly I've had to buy a laptop for it I just scream into the abyss on stage doing comedy and that's my outlet and I haven't had that now for a long time and I'm I'm slowly going insane from my own perspective my life's going to be a

lot less intense when you do have an audience. I've started to calm down because I can't play Call of Duty anymore because it's scary. I've started being a PC gamer. Oh no, what are you doing? Civilisation? Zoos. Zoos? I'm building zoos. Oh, Rob.

On Planet Zoo. It's a game where you can build zoos and animals. What, is that like Theme Hospital or Theme park or whatever, but for zoos. Someone open up. Someone open up the pubs, please. Oh, God, yeah. Rob, you've done a year. We haven't said it was this week, last year that it started. What, the podcast?

No, the lockdown. Oh oh the actual pandemic sorry yeah oh was it and it's taken a year to break you well do you know what i feel like i'm at the best and the worst i've ever been yeah do you know i mean i feel good but also i think if i had an outlet i'd be fine do you know have you ever seen the film falling down yeah i have seen that i think i am should we talk about your week because i think i might get sectioned in a minute okay rob i want to start a new feature okay you know we're talking about twat desks yeah so i've pondered with talking about this on the show for two weeks okay but i don't want to sound like a privileged twat okay go, go on. What are you talking about? But I think we should have

privileged twat confessions. So is it like a first world problem? Yeah. But it's something that I was worried I was going to make the listeners hate me.

Okay, so you're feeling like from your media ivory tower you're worried that you may be judged. Shall we call it ivory tower confessions? Ivory tower confessions, yeah. Media elite. Ivory Tower Confessions is a good thing.

Confessions from the Ivory Tower. Basically, it's first world problems. Sucker. Ivory Tower Confessions, Rob. Yeah. You know how I've moved my daughter's bedroom? Yes. Upper floor.

Yeah, because you're in sort of like a townhouse thing, aren't you? It's a tall, thin house. Yes. It's an East London Victorian terraced house, which is very tall and thin rather than wide and low, isn't it? Yes. Yes, exactly. So she's on the second floor of your house.

It's 35 stairs, Rob. 35 stairs! So at bedtime, you go up and then you have to fill up the bottle. So you go back down and then you go back up and then you've forgotten something. You go back. Say you go up to the bedroom, on average, at bedtime. Yeah? Yeah. Four times, I'd say bedroom, on average, at bedtime. Yeah? Yeah.

Four times, I'd say, is an average. Yeah. Oh, you forgot the teddy. Or whatever. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's 140 stairs I'm doing. 35 stairs. Every time I need to go downstairs, I'm back up.

Well, 70 if you count going down as well, which you don't, because going down is easy. I don't think that's how steps work, is it? Have you ever tried to do the stairs coming out of Covent Garden Tube, and it's about 190 stairs? Yeah, they warn you, don't they? Yeah, they warn you. And it's really good if you go down the stairs at Covent Garden Tube,

because when you see the people coming up, they look like Serrano Fines. they look like they look like serrano fines but like 35 stairs means that trying to remember to take everything upstairs is one of the most high pressure pieces of parenting it's doing my head in wrong the only time i've had to deal with a lot of stairs is when we're in edinburgh because a lot of the houses in edinburgh are very high aren't they so i wonder if there's anyone that's got i mean we want to we want some more ivory tower conf So I wonder if there's anyone that's got, I mean, we want some more ivory tower confessions, but also if anyone's got a longer commute to their child's bedroom from the front room.

Oh, mate, it's an absolute shocker. But then obviously when you're in bed and they wake up in the night, it's less, isn't it? Because you're already up. Yeah, yeah. So we're halfway there. We're halfway there. You're halfway up.

You're like base camp for everyone. Yeah, we're base camp. But say in the morning, right right i used to go in and when she'd wake up and then she'd say that she wanted she her vitamins she has them in the morning right so i'd go down and get them now i've had to relocate them into a drawer in her roommate because there's no way that first thing in the morning i'm doing that journey no i think that's a good decision i think um is it worth buying two of the same uh teddies and they've like you know you they cannot leave certain floors like a perimeter alarm I just think I might just move her back into our bedroom have you thought about a pulley system down the stairs I'm not Wallace and Gromit

mate 35 stairs Rob 35 stairs, Rob. 35 stairs. That is a lot. And that is something that is annoying, but no one will ever take seriously or care. No one's. I understand you shouldn't have any pity for me in that, but we've made a huge, huge layout mistake, in my opinion.

Do you know what? Right, I've got one then I could do for you, right? When we got our house done, ours was a wreck, right? So we had to get everything done. And when they did it, they did the water. They sort of connected the water almost like a new type of connection to the mains so that it came straight from the mains rather than going through this old system because it was a really old house. And I would say the water pressure in my house is so fierce

to the point it's unusable at times. I don't know if anyone's complained about too much pressure in a water pressure. Normally, the argument with water pressure is there's not enough pressure. It dribbles out. The pressure's outrageous to the point where if we've got a bath, right,

and the shower's like on the bath, like it's hooked on, and you can put it up in the air if you want, or you just hold it over your head and it's attached. So you switch the lever from bath to shower. If it's been left on shower and you turn the water on full because you think it's set on bath mode,

the shower head that is loose on a little cable wiring thing will explode off of the bath and just spray the whole room. Yeah, we've got that. We've got the old shower head spray scenario. And Lou said to me, we need to lower the water pressure because the water is too powerful for our children's heads. And I just said,

they're just going to have to deal with it until their skulls can take it. Because I'm not changing my water pressure to wash a kid's head for a year until their heads get harder. Well, it's a good new feature. Yeah, let's see what we get in. Let's go. Well, it's a good new feature. Yeah. Let's see what we get in.

The best thing about it is it's going to lead to Rob getting lots more abuse on Twitter. Yeah. Do you want some more feet on the floor stories of parenting, Rob, for my week? Yeah, go for it. What you got? Went to the tip. Oh, I went to the tip last week. I had a fucking nightmare, Rob. Oh, no. What happened? So got? Went to the tip. Oh, I went to the tip last week. I had a fucking nightmare, Rob.

Oh, no? What happened? So, Sunday trip to the tip. Yeah. Oh, busiest day. Go on. Peak hours. Not for me.

No. Right. So, go to the tip. Get everything in the car, obviously. I know we've talked about some banal things on this show, Rob. But there is a traffic light near me. Love it. Love it already.

Come on. Right. I am convinced, Rob, that it doesn't turn green on Sundays. Right. And what is it, religious? I don't know, right, Rob? So I use this traffic light during the week to drop my child to nursery, right? We go through this traffic light.

Yeah, yeah. All is fine. Yeah, you're using a traffic light. You're a normal guy you have a normal guy you use a traffic light yeah go on you're normal like us come on right on sunday last sunday it didn't change for five minutes okay yeah i was i was third in the queue it didn't change for five minutes right People are starting to honk their horns. You can see that it's going around all the other options

and not changing, right? Yes. Well, it says sometimes you need to be near a sensor to trigger it. If you're too far back, he doesn't know you're there. I know. So you can only blame the person who's front of the queue for that, right? This was last Sunday. So eventually it goes on so long people start

taking it into their own hands and just going oh going through red that's a big decision isn't it it's a fucking huge decision but but when you're third in the queue yeah and one person's gone around you already and the first to have gone i thought i'm all right here right yeah went through fine i thought i never have to think about that again go to the tip find the tip obviously takes a while find the tip get there you're right mate wind down my window he says can i see uh the email i said what oh he says you have booked haven't you no i haven't booked mate because this isn't tea at the fucking ritz it It's the tip. Yeah, it's not slug and lettuce New Year's Eve, mate. Have I booked?

It's not Glastonbury. I didn't... I wasn't out refreshing the web page at 10am to get my slot. Yeah, sometimes they release a few tickets on the day, don't they, for the tip? They've got some returns. So obviously, despite the fact my car's full of rubbish, I'm not allowed to use the tip.

Oh, no. Most gallingly, because you have to go through this passageway to get to the tip, I have to drive through the tip to get out of the tip. Oh, no. You should have just pulled up and unloaded. Not able to stop. Should have pulled up and unloaded.

Big boy move. Big boy move. You've already gone for a red light, mate. Pulling unload what are they gonna do get out the fucking dump put it back in your car that would that i would have loved it if you did that yeah well i no obviously i didn't do that i now regret it so this weekend sunday book for the tip so it's all the rubbish been in your car for a week no i put it in the front yard took out the car put it in the front yard all these paintings basically uh day before our garden table delivered the guy who's delivering it's like oh i'll have that paint of those paintings and that big metal pipe that you don't want so basically takes 75 of the stuff i was going to take to the tip

but i still have a few items that so now i'm going to the tip with about three fucking items i'd love to be a man or a woman that just gets a bit of pipe from someone's garden and makes it with it do you know the worst thing when he said are you getting rid of this big bit of pipe and the first thing i thought was of course i fucking am yourulet it's a big bit of pipe you know the first thing i thought i thought oh god is that really valuable and i don't realize yeah antique throw show it's a rolex pipe so i go to the tip with my few things obviously in the week when i've had the um the uh mattress for a, what are those outdoor beds called? Sunbed. Yeah.

That's got rained on, so I've now got a totally wet mattress, right? Oh, because it's been in your front yard, yeah, I get you. It's been in the front yard, so I have to put it in two bin bags, yeah, with a bin bag underneath it, set off the tip. So you get there, your traffic light you use, your favourite one. Yeah. What's it say?

Red. Worst news yet, Rob. I'm front of the fucking queue. The pressure's on. Oh, boy, the pressure's on. What's the weirdest thing? It don't work Sundays, does it, Josh? It wasn't working again, Rob.

Could you not put a green light on the council website? Okay, you're at the front of the queue. I'm loving this. You're at the front of the queue. I'm like, by this point, obviously, I don't have the theory about Sundays. I just thought it was last Sunday. Yeah. But then the time starts ticking, Rob.

Oh, no. Another five minutes. The horns behind me are Rob. Oh, no. Another five minutes. The horns behind me are beginning. Oh, no. What would you have done, Rob? I would have moved as far forward as possible to try and trigger some sort of sensor. And then I would have waited

for the person behind me to go round me. That's exactly what I did. Waited for the person to go round me. And then a lorry went round me. The beauty of the lorry going round me is he was going straight on. I was going right. So I actually used the lorry as a kind of shield in case someone came through the green light in the other way. Yeah, I do that on roundabouts with buses and lorries.

Because I think if he's gone, they can't get through him to me. If it had all gone wrong, they'd have hit into the lorry and I'd have just carried on to the tip. Oh, well, at least you got in the tip eventually. Yeah, when I got to the tip, Rob, just to finish the story. Oh, no. The bloke went, are you chucking that away? I'll have that.

The lilo had leaked. So then I had what I could only describe as an open i have to open up a bin bag below the lilo i had a puddle on a bin bag on the back seat of my car like totally stationary like i like had a little lake sitting in the back of my car yeah no idea how to get it out so in the end i just had to kind of flip the water out of the car i'll be honest with you rob yeah the woman on twitter who doesn't like the back of your car would give me dog's abuse for the back of my car absolute fucking state of shitty water from the last week but i did manage to get rid of my stuff at the tip but all the food as well like the

biscuits and crisps that are on the floor, when they get wet, it gets worse. Mess and water. Oh, my God. And you've got this dirty Lilo water. But at least you got rid of the Lilo. Got rid of the Lilo. Got rid of everything to the tip. But I don't know what to do about that traffic light, Rob.

I mean, report it to the council. How could a traffic light not go on Sundays? I tell you what we do is you take a photo of this traffic light and stick it on our Instagram and then someone locally will know what's the score of it or someone in traffic. I think that's what we do. There'll be someone that knows or can research that. I couldn't believe it, Rob.

There is some sort of programming issue that needs to be reported to the local council. And I think you're the man to do it, Josh. You've got your bin. They move fast. Hackney Council move fast. They do move fast. Maybe there's a Hackney Council listening. Get it sorted. Someone for Transport for London, get it sorted.

Get a photo online. Can I tell you my dump tip confession? Yeah. There's a CCTV camera that you can check on the council website to see how busy the queue is for the dump. I check it before I go to make sure it's really long so I can be out out the house for longer. Oh, Rob.

Them brought in booking in your neck of the woods then. They don't book in. We've got a permit, a little permit. We can just go whenever. I can go whenever I want, Josh. Oh, wow. I could go and take one bag of rubbish now. God, and I bet all your bloody traffic lights

work on the way as well, don't they? Exactly. No threat of a fine. But yeah, I do that so that I can sit in the queue listening to a podcast. Lovely. It's great, isn't it? This one? A little trick. I don't listen exactly no no threat of a fine but um yeah i do that so that i can sit in the queue listening to a podcast lovely it's great isn't it this one little trick i don't listen to this back sometimes i hear lou listening to it though which is weird and then i shout to her and she gets all confused because she can't work out what's me talking on the podcast and what's me shouting about something do you want um a few very quick emails rob

and then we'll do loads more emails on Friday. Yes, let's do that. Let's do some emails. And I've got some Instagram we can do on Friday because I've blabbered on. I feel better now, though, Josh. I needed that release. Yeah, I think. Do you know what?

We both needed that. Yeah. And I think it was perfectly weighted. I got burnt out like a Catherine wheel. And then you really built that dump and lights. So you built like a bonfire. It was beautiful. Do you want to hear something really lame, Rob?

What, again? That's what the show is, Josh. Go on. So now I've, to make my tea last during the record, because we record this, it's what, it takes an hour or whatever. I do use a travel cup now, Rob. Oh, what, that keeps it warm. You know, you can get like a Bluetooth one that heats it. Oh, my word.

Rishi Sunak's got it. And it was like in the paper for him being flashed because he had like an 80-pound cup or something that kept it warm. He could afford it. He could afford it. He's the richest man in the cabinet. He's the richest man in the cabinet. But yeah, so you should get one of them, Josh.

Yeah, well, because this one came free when I did blockbusters on Comedy Central. you should get one of them, Josh. Yeah, well, because this one came free when I did Blockbusters on Comedy Central. Hi, Josh and Rob. Hearing about the girl

who told... Oh, why don't I... Why don't I read the nice bit as well? Yeah, let's go. Thank you for keeping us sane in these dark days. You're performing

a national service and shall anticipate at least an MBE in the next honours list. Oh, would be except though, Josh. Well, would we be offered after the bloody first five minutes of this episode, am I right? Hearing about a girl who told her nursery friends,

my daddy's got a big willy, brought back one of our most cherished parenting memories. Our girls aged 11 and 14 now, but when they were six and nine, we went for a sunny walk and picnic in Trent Park, the outer reaches of North London. We'd been warned the park's long grasses could hide ticks so we should keep an eye on both dog and the kids to make sure they didn't attract any unwelcome visitors. After our picnic we went to the adventure playground which was packed with whooping kids and parents milling around. I

remembered about the ticks so called over our youngest, Esme, to check the skin of her arms and legs. All clear. I then asked her to go and fetch her sister so I could check her. At which point she took a few steps forward and yelled across the playground, Sophie, come here.

Daddy wants to check if you've got tits. Oh, God. Oh, no. Nine nine and eleven the worst ages for that as well tumbleweed shock silence some parents sniggered one openly laughed one looked appalled oh it's not what you call this teacher mom in it oh my god oh yeah the worst yeah so there we go lovely stuff years on we still haven't been back to that playground from Joel Rickett. Joel Rickett. Rob, we've had a lot of people who have had babies during international football tournaments.

Oh, good to know. So we get a bit of advice because you're expecting your... Oh, Josh, I should mention this as well. We're a bit worried about, not worried, but like you're quite a sort of private person you're not a big sort of like male online media whore type of celebrity you keep yourself to yourself and you was a bit like oh i hope you know there's i imagine too much coverage about your second baby um and it did well didn't it the announcement on the podcast we had our one of our biggest

ever download days but not one single media outlet covered it, Josh. Yes. Is that good news for you, or are you slightly annoyed that you completely went under the radar? It's a bitter pill to swallow, isn't it? I would say your private life hasn't been invaded, but you wouldn't mind a little pry, would you, just to make you feel important?

Yeah, you'd think, considering some of the stuff they put in mail online but i'm gonna say it now rob it's good to know that no one's interested in your life because sometimes you're sat waiting at a red light eternally and you think what if i jump this light and it's going to end up in the papers yeah and now i know no one could give a fuck i do think that sometimes because obviously some people's lives are really like pried into but you must have to court it a bit because you're on like a big tv show we do a podcast about parenting that's just popular and a lot of people listen but no one cares no one

gives a fuck about me rob no one gives a flying but they do because they listen to this and you're on the show but certain aspects of media don't care at all. Couldn't give a shit. Do you know what I'm going to do, Rob? Yeah. I'm going to go on Mail Online, which I don't do normally. No. Not publicly.

I'm going to go on, is it TV and showbiz? That's the bit, right? Yeah, the sidebar of shame, yeah. I'm going to read you some things that are more interesting. Than you having another kid. All right, go on. Molly May Hague, Who I've never heard of She from Love Island

Wraps up warm in a black padded jacket To be fair though That's pretty interesting Tell me next It's not finished yet As she joins Bo Tommy Fury On a low-key stroll.

She's gone for a walk! It's bigger news than your incoming child. Unbelievable. Okay. Anything else? Yeah, I'm sure. I'll be honest with you, there's a lot. It's the worst day you could have done this. Well, there's also a lot of stuff that's just really

shaming to women, so I'm trying to skip over that because it's not it's not very nice um okay ashley roberts pussycat doll yes now a heart dj yeah yeah yeah exactly oh hang on but this is obviously more uh important to the reader than your incoming baby to the reader ashley roberts looks chic in a khaki pleated skirt lilac blouse and shearling jacket as she leaves her heart fm show she's just going home from work in clothes james martin walks off this morning set after holly willoughby and philip scofield leaving red faced with cheeky piece of meat joke. It was a good joke though.

He's literally just walked out of shop because of a joke. Genuinely. Well, Rob, I've got loads of football stuff. So why don't we save that for Friday? Don't worry. It's not all football-y if you're not interested in football. But I could end with,

if you think we've gone mad, Rob. Yeah. Can I end with this? I love the podcast. It cheers me up after the hell that is homeworking while homeschooling my three children, age ten, nine, and five.

I just wanted to share my own bin gate experience. This happened a few years ago while my youngest was still very much in nappies. The thief's modus operandi, stiff neck, was to sneak out as soon as the bins were emptied, steal a bin from the end of the alley where all the bins were

put out, and hide it in her garden. The bins are emptied every two weeks. On bin day, she would sneak the bin back very early late at night and steal another house's bin after the bin men had binned. This had happened to us a couple of times, and

after speaking to a few nobos, we realised this was a well-thought-out plan carried out by a criminal mastermind who carefully altered her victims so as to avoid notice. I waited until our bin was yet again stolen. I was determined to find out who the thief was. On bin day, I went out at 7am.

It wasn't there. 7.30. Still no bin. At 8, I went back out and there it was. I opened the bin and was faced with two weeks worth of waste. I was determined to find a clue and had come prepared, so put on my rubber gloves. No. Opened the first bag and discovered to my horror that not only did she mix general waste with recycling but she'd removed her name and house number from all of her junk mail no oh my gosh that news of the world reporter this in the bins yeah she'd carefully removed all trace of her identity as i said a criminal mastermind i was not willing to give up so dragged out bag after bag of sweaty, stinking rubbish. My husband came out with the kids on to see what I was doing, but hurriedly took them back to shield them from my madness.

I was a woman possessed. The entry to the alley leads directly to my kids' school. Parents I knew were walking past. Oh, God, this is getting worse. Looking at me almost upside down in the bin, but I ignored them and maintained focus on my goal. Bin Raider. Bin Raider is the worst thing you could be at school. Bin Raider.

Remember Bin Raiders at school? No, what's a Bin Raider? Someone got so out of the bin, you go, Bin Raider, he's a Bin Raider. Never heard of Bin Raider? No, didn't have Bin Raiders in Devon. I was having four of you, wasn't it? Everyone would know what they put in there.

Suddenly, I saw it, her mistake. I grabbed hold of it, shoved the bags back in and ran home to carefully considered my next well-reasoned move. However, I was fucking livid. So instead I wrote this note. Aggressive, I agree.

Especially as I later realised she was an elderly lady. They're always the worst. Still, she was sprightly enough to steal all of the neighbourhood's bin rather than a new one. My advice to Josh is go in hard. You may get a rep as the neighbourhood psycho,

but your bin will never be stolen again. Did she confront the old lady? I'll read you the note she sent us as screen grab. Okay. Dear blank. Call her Dorothy. Dear Dorothy. No, don't call her Dorothy.

That's my neighbour. It looks like I've got the arm. Okay, sorry. Don't say sorry. It was my fault. Call her Dorothy. Dear Dorothy. No, don't call her Dorothy. That's my name, but it looks like I've got the ump. Okay, sorry. Call her... Don't say sorry. It was my fault. Call her June. Okay, that is her name, so that's all...

No, it's not. Dear June, if you're going to steal my bin for two weeks, at least have the fucking sense to get rid of your prescriptions with your name on. No, she didn't say fucking... She put down the F-bomb. Fucking... Your fucking prescriptions with your name on. No, she didn't say fucking. She put down the F-bomb. Fucking, your fucking prescriptions. You can't be that aggressive to someone that needs medicine.

Next time it goes missing, I will inform the council and give you my shitty nappies to take care of. She is number 20. Number 20. Wow. Did she get a reply? You're not replying to that, are you? You're just not going to steal the bin again.

Good on her, though. I also as well, I personally feel like, great, you got your bin back, but I don't think this was about the bin. It's a bit like when you got confronted by that gym goer outside when you went, what's this really about? Not about the bin, is it? really about? Not about the bin, is it? There's enough space for the bin,

isn't it? And the other bin, but good. That's good. Detective work though. I applaud the effort. Yeah. So do I.

Um, yeah. If you've gone mad in some way, let us know about it. Oh, we've got this one from Steve in Dagenham. He ate his own shit once. Cool.

Right. He ate his own shit once. Cool. Right. That's a lovely bit of correspondence. He went mad. On Friday, we've got Gabby Logan. That is unrelated to her Have You Ever Gone Mad question. No, I'd say, yeah, one of the most composed people on TV, Gabby Logan. One of the most composed people on TV and podcast. She's absolutely brilliant.

She's great, Gabby. Genuinely great episode. I look forward to everyone hearing it, but we'll see you then. See ya!