Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP16: The World Cup of baby names

Episode Date: March 16, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP16: The World Cup of baby namesMore misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Whittaker? Rob Whittaker. Can you say Josh Beckett? Josh Beckett?

Yeah. Who are they? Stinky and Silly Men. There we go. That's a good one, wouldn't it? Silly Men. The tables were turned there. I like that.

Do you know what? After a year, it's good to, you know, invert the kind of formula, isn't it? Are we sure the tables were turned or do they both have really weird voices for their age? That three-year-old is very advanced, but the parent really needs to have a... Hello, I'm your barrister.

Oh, dear. Who was that? Hi, lads. This is David Pritchard and his son, Robbie, who was born nearly three years ago. That's not how people say their kids' age. No, it isn't. Hi, I'm Rob, and I was born three years ago. That's not how people say their kids' age. No, it isn't. Hi, I'm Rob, and I was born 35 years ago.

Why are you celebrating today? I was actually born on this day, but I... I'm having a party because I was born on that day. Guys, 35 years ago, I was born in four days' time. Would you like to go for a pizza? I don't know what to call it, though. I need to snap your title. Right.

Now, obviously, you're aware that I'm facing up to a naming situation, Rob. A child naming situation. Yes. Yes. David Pritchard. Pritchy. Pritchy. I've been on a lockdown parenting hell binge since my wife Florence found your podcast a couple of months ago,

which is obviously just about two years, nine months after his child was born. I'm just caught up. Listening to this week's episode with Josh's big announcement prompted me to get in touch, as we're also expecting our second child. prompted me to get in touch as we're also expecting our second child okay i thought you might be interested in our technique for whittling down potential names for the new arrival all right here we go i've humbly called it the baby name world cup oh okay yeah it works like this each of us comes up with a short list of eight names i like this we have not found out what we're having so in our case there are actually two World Cups running simultaneously.

Oh, that's the dream. Yeah. What a summer. It might as well bloody be. The amount of teams they let in the World Cup these days. Oh, here we go. Lovely. Really.

Used to be special, didn't it? Now any old fuckers are in it. Yeah. Really strong. So we each choose. Say me and you are the parents, Rob. Oh, very modern. Very modern. That'd be great for episodes, wouldn't parents rob oh very modern very modern that'd be great

for episodes wouldn't it if that came out that'd be a real pr stunt that it would be very good the ramses would be shitting themselves that would go way beyond you know graham norton or me being ill in the guardian wouldn't it which we will come to so we each write down eight names yeah i give you 16 names written on little bits of paper that you put into a cup. They are then drawn out two each at a time. Yes. That's your first round. You have a discussion about each match between two names

and then they go through to the next round. You keep doing this until you have two finalists in both your boys' and girls' competition. And then you've got the name, yeah. Are you going to do that? Well, I'd love love to but i did read this email out to rose about an hour ago she wasn't as excited by it as i was yes can i tell you why why that what's gonna happen there is josh you're basically gonna talk about baby names and

then rose will pick one yeah that's fine with me i'd love it if they were twins. You could have Nick and Knack. Because she loves knickknacks. Yeah, exactly. I'd say Nick's getting off the lightest there. Yes, Knack. That's a tough life for Knack, isn't it? Especially when you've got your brother Nick.

Maybe, Rob. In the nursery we're going to in East London, being called Nick would be considered positively mundane, whereas Knack would just be kind of... He'd fit in better than Nick in many ways. The irony of East London is Nick will have his moments and Knack will have his moments. You each find a world. I mean, Nick, you know, he might be playing football down on Hattie Marshes. Knack, he'll be in a gallery somewhere.

Exactly. Knack will happily overpay for a sourdough loaf. Do you know the the main joy of this is i can confidently say thank christ we're not having twins the names would be the least of my problems um how's your week been i had i had some more to say on this wrong sorry josh i do apologize um i was just gonna say that um so we've had we've got some friends uh tom and claire who've just had their second child nine days ago and uh we were obviously having a child in a similar era

to them and similar era time it's quite grandiose era we both independently were toying with a similar name the same name well that is dodgy between friendship groups. Because you're like... Me and Rose agreed there was an unwritten rule that both of us had to stay away from that name. Yes. They had their child. And for some reason, for about an hour...

Who was the unwritten rule with, between you and Rose? No, between us and them. But neither of the couples had mentioned the... It's like a gentleman's rule. Neither of us can have that name now. couples had mentioned the it's like a gentleman's rule we neither of us can have that name now oh really it's like that is i think so yeah i think that i think that's gentlemen's rules oh i don't know about that it depends how much you want the name well they haven't used it rob oh but i'll be honest about the morning they had their child i suddenly for an hour just went they're gonna bloody use it you know in the shower when you just suddenly spiral and you have a whole conversation to yourself and you're maybe

other people don't do this but like and then you're angry about something that hasn't even just hypothetically happened I invent things to be angry about all the time yeah so I was I went into the shower fine by the end of the shower I was like well they're gonna use the name and that that's gonna just make it awkward now all right it's just totally unacceptable well the weird thing is that we don't share our kids names I've been thinking about this and I sort of and I don't share them on social media either but I don't know if I think I'm happy with that decision because I think they need to be old enough to decide if they want to feature I just yeah I just don't know it feels weird that we talk about them a lot we don't actually say the names and stuff I was thinking about this the other day we say we talk about them a lot rob i

think if you actually went back listens to our podcast and did a kind of yeah a kind of stats based breakdown our self-involvement would really be reflected in how much we actually just talk about ourselves i mean i'd argue the red light last week got more air time than your child we've had people comment about that as well josh you know the red light you got stopped at last week someone said um here he goes don't suppose the traffic lights josh is talking of our at terrace road meets castlin road near Victoria Park Village. It is that traffic light, yeah. This is great. On two separate Sundays in the last month. Can I just say, Rob, just to stop them,

Victoria Park Village, right, which is, I don't mind saying that that's because it's quite a big area, right? So I live in and around there, yeah. Yeah. And I'll be honest with you. Little tip if you do ever want to travel there, do not use the phrase Victoria Park Village in a black cab. Because they will have your fucking guts for garters, my friend.

Yeah, what do they call it then? What does the OGs of East London call where you live? What do they call it? They call it, it used to be shit round here. Hasn't got a name, just shit a shit shit well anyway he said is it where Terrace Road meets Castlem Road near Victoria Park Village on two separate Sundays in the last month I've been stuck in an Uber at these lights on both occasions I've had to leave the Uber after over 10 minutes of waiting to press the pedestrian crossing button to put things into motion.

So it's the pedestrian crossing, I think, that enables – I think someone needs to be crossing on the other roads to enable your turn. Oh, what? So it's just that no one's walking about? But he said it on Sundays as well. People move around on Sundays, don't they? Not as much as they used to, mate.

They have the shop shut. That's from Jamie Cousins. Thanks, Jamie. Have Hackney Council got involved yet? Because it feels like they should by this point. Yeah, someone needs to talk to Hackney Council about this. We know this is not just your problem. This is a number of people i

mean he's spending money on ubers is but what makes me think surely the uber drive through some ubers that would have fucking jumped that light in a heartbeat mate uber according to jamie is still there then just waiting waiting to turn um how everything else been all right josh this week yeah good good i'll just look at my uh i just note things in my phone yeah i've got a couple of couple of belters this week yeah well we found last week quite weirdly come a bit of a come down when the school school's opening was also excited but then my eldest was she loved it but was a bit found a bit overwhelming i think a bit quite stimulating all the kids and all the rules and the uniform, you've got to do this, you've got to do that.

And she'd got into a bit of a sort of like comfortable position at home, obviously, because she's at home. But, yeah, she went in well, happy today. But I think me and Lou found it a bit like we'd been longing for it for so long and then they'd gone and then it was just like a big shitty, messy hour. So we had to go and get them. And I think we found it wasn't as liberating as we thought it was gonna be because we were so excited it felt like the end of lockdown and then they went to school it was like oh it's still shit isn't it everything

is still shit and shit and it's fucking shit and i can't play golf i can't do that it's just shit and i think we had that sort of realization we're in our heads but it all goes back to normal but it doesn't at all there's still a few weeks of them yeah and on top on top of that josh um i've realized that my children have been wiping their hands on a wall in the toilet rather than using the um the the towel on the wall well yeah exactly i mean it could be but it's we've got paint in there that really shows up i'm going to send you this video and tell me what you think. I mean, it is totally unacceptable what they've done. And they tried to deny it was them.

Okay? Yeah. Let me just play it. It's two seconds. Two seconds. You see the sink and then you see behind the sink. Do you know what it looks like, Rob? Yeah.

The Turin Shroud. I'll put that on the Instagram. But they tried to deny it was them. It's like the smaller hands in the middle and the bigger, the tallerin Shroud. I'll put that on the Instagram, but they tried to deny it was them. Is that the smaller hands in the middle and the bigger, taller hands at the top? Yeah, that's the oldest one and the youngest one. So they've obviously been doing it together. It's quite funny, isn't it?

Do you know what's nice, Rob? It's like a kind of modern version of that thing where you mark the child's head up against the wall. Yes. Yeah, so they can keep doing that until they get to about five for eight and just see how high their hands go. But it's quite – I'll stick on Insta. That was a telling off.

You have to explain – Yeah, I bet it was. You just don't feel like you should have to explain to a fiver and it's not okay to wipe your wet hands on a wall. It's a lovely colour, though, that wall. Yeah, it is, isn't it? It's called Payne's Grey. Yeah, it's lovely, that.

A lot of people tell me it's like – do you know what's not nice, though, is when it's got dirty soap hands wiped on it. It really takes the edge off the colour, but I'm glad you like it. I think that would look, I think that would get a knick-knack thumbs up from Rose, that wall colour. Yeah, it's a lovely wall colour.

I like the tiling as well. Altogether, I'd say in many ways, the hands are the worst thing about the bathroom. Yes, I would say the hand marks, but I think we've got slightly different. Your house is a little bit more knickknacky, but mine's a little bit more like a, almost like a kid's nursery slash new build style.

Well, I'll be honest with you. If you went into your house, you would know that a family lived there. Yes. If you went into my house, you wouldn't know that family lived there until you went into the kitchen when there is

stuff fucking everywhere um josh can we talk about um the guardian interview we did please that i don't know if our listeners have seen yes please um we did an interview for the guardian about the podcast we did do an interview thank you very much to the guardian for uh that was uh genuinely very exciting i i enjoyed it yeah did you enjoy it rob uh yep the interview was great the photo shoot i did good photo shoot i thought i looked great to be honest you look great in the photo shoot we can put the pictures on instagram you look great because you sneaky little fucker you had makeup on from the last leg you left on overnight so you look good in the morning now i'd love to tell you that that was a tactical decision rob but it was purely

not washing my face yeah because i was pissed uh falling asleep so you was hung over doing it i'd i was hung over if you were to look at those photos would you think i was the one that was hung over i look ill people mess when they put it in the paper and put it on the internet I had people I had not spoken to for months independently not for banter message you're going hey Rob how are you are you okay you look they thought I was ill they it was like an illness piece in the Guardian you know when someone in the public's eyes not well and they talk about their journey it did look like they found patient zero didn't it it? What was going on? My eye! Right, I get a bonk eye when I'm tired. Also, as well, last week there was a hay fever bomb in London.

Right, okay. Are you a hay fever sufferer? Is that the IRA? I don't know how that was. So basically, there was an unprecedented early bout of hay fever. Okay. And I think it was brought on about that. You know, it was quite hot, wasn't it, beginning of March?

And it was quite local to one house in southeast Londonondon wasn't it it was everywhere i've been struggling with hay fever all week so my eyes have been watering my nose is all blocked up and i've been up since six for the kids because it was loose turns have a lie in and there must have been a better photo josh what the hell did they do with it before the photoshop that's what photoshop what the fuck did i look like before it that it looks like you know you know when an 18 year old from rochdale comes down to london because they want to be a model they find a dodgy modeling agency in soho that charge them 100 quid for a portfolio and they just take it on the street that's what it looked like and my jacket's all skew if i think it's a

stitch up because i slagged guardian off of being stiff next do you reckon it's a stiff do you reckon i'm trying to find the picture now. Sorry, Rob. Let me just find it. Type in Rob Beckett dying. Well, I don't want to get a load of your guys' stand-up reviews, mate. Let's have a look.

Let's have a look. God, your eyes, man. It's phenomenal. Well, did you find it at the whole thing quite emotional? I think I was tired and it was hay fever. My hair looks bad. Morale was low, but they just put a bit of colour in my cheeks. The interesting thing about it is they did you first, Rob.

Yes. They did turn up and say that you'd sat on a small bike. Yeah. And once they've done that and they have the knowledge that you've got a small bike as well, it really is checkmate where that... Yeah, I know, but... You can do as many of the other photos as possible but you you know which one's going in the tiny bike did you not want to use the phrase we'll just do this one for

fun you know that one's not for fun that'll be the one that's the one the one for fun that you think well we'll never see that again that's the one they are always using from every photo shoot i hate photo shoots so much oh and i look quite good on bake off I done Bake Off earlier in the week and I felt I looked all right. Then I was about to die. Well, you had makeup on on Bake Off, Rob. I know. I need makeup. How was Norton?

Did you have makeup on Graham Norton? Oh, Graham Norton. I had makeup on Graham Norton. That was fine. I was on with Nick Jonas, who I don't think he really wanted to be there, if I'm honest with you. No. I just think, bless him, he's moved to London

because he's married Priyanka Chopra who's like filming a film so I think he's just in lockdown in London. I feel like saying do you want to come over for a drink or something? Which isn't allowed. Oh yeah, I forgot Llewod banned Nick Jonas from the house. I think he's just a bit more cool and chilled

and he had a leather jacket and a t-shirt on. They're like that Americans. But yeah, Graham Norton was fun. I thought it's a bit over more cool and chilled and he had a leather jacket and a t-shirt on they're like that Americans but yeah Graham Norton was fun I thought it's a bit I've not been out the house much I found it a bit odd what like stressful seeing people yeah it is odd that you think you're gonna struggle to kind of re-acclimatize I think I just need an audience I just find it weird if when you're doing like tv shows and there's no audience you're just chatting to Graham Norton you just start saying all sorts I nearly got cancelled about eight times because you forget you're on the telly that's why this podcast is that it's actually a six-hour record isn't it this podcast but this is the only usable

stuff oh yeah exactly but no it was all good it wasn't too bad but yeah we're just uh just getting back in trying to get back into a normal routine I think is what we need to do um to help with the kids and stuff oh I've got um Josh I've had some salty and sweet uh was it salty and unsalty about you yeah can i just say one thing about the guardian before we move on yes go mate so i put the picture up of us on the bikes and i put um that i was delighted that now the bike was tax deductible yes i've got a lot of people going angry at you well john robbins texted me uh very taxed john robbins and he said uh i've just seen your instagram post and i replied i'll stop you there it was a joke yeah i know it's not tax deductible because something is tax deductible if you use it in your job but not if you then also get used to it in your life okay i think there's

an argument that you can you do a percentage right yes but because my daughter has no interest in the bike and it has gone down so badly oh she hasn't ridden it at all is it tax deductible now well you've technically used it more than her i have technically used it more than her if anything she the primary use of that bike was for a photo shoot exactly if she's not been on it and then all right tax man come around come around to my garden for a day and she won't touch that bike yeah exactly exactly mate yeah i think you've got a case i think i have got a case yeah i think that's totally fair so what did john robbins say he said um regarding your instagram caption and i said yeah i'm aware it's not tax deductible he went good i

was just double checking yeah i mean he's a bit too busy for his own good, John, isn't he? I don't think he is busy. Hang on a minute. I wouldn't say worrying about someone else's tax shows you're busy. I've just got one second. I've just got to shut my curtain. Can you hear that? Yeah.

I've got electric Veluxes, mate. Oh, my word. It's an absolute dream. Solar powered. What's it called? Ivory Tower my word. It's an absolute dream. Solar powered. Should we, what's it called? Ivory Tower Confessions? Ivory Tower Confession. I'm very sorry.

I had to pause the podcast because I had to electronically shut my Veluxes because I'm an absolute G. Well, I'm not going to lie to you, Rob. We've got one electric Velux, I would call it. Are they Velux? I don't know. I've always called it Velux, but now I've lost confidence in it yeah but the uh the remote control thing's gone so now we've got a broken velux that we can't that's the danger yeah we've actually lost one of the controllers for velux um so that's an absolute deadly i mean that is the issue so you know

ivory tower confessions we've lost the remote control for the velux in the uh in the kitchen Tower Confessions, we've lost the remote control for the Velux in the kitchen. I'm going to be honest, I hope that the jingle for Ivy Tower Confessions is good because the feature isn't great. I mean, nothing we've done ever written down's gold, Josh.

Anything we've ever said on it, that if you try to, this is why it works for us. If we had to get this on the telly or on Radio 4, commissioners would go, you can't talk about that and people would listen.

I tell you what, you'd be shocked what they'll put up with. Yeah, when they say to comedians you can't talk about that, you imagine it's like jokes about like really inappropriate subjects.

It's not just them complaining about their fellas. Do you know what, Beckett and Josh Whitacombe, they say the unsayable. Is it offensive? No. But on paper, you can't imagine people would listen.

But they do. He talks about tango. He's talking about going to the dump. It's madness. You know when a podcast releases a book, right? Yeah. And let's not rule that out in the future. But you know when...

Oh, mate, lockdown four all day long. Lockdown four. So you know when... Or a TV show releases a book and it's just quotes from the show. Yeah. We couldn't do that because it would be the most boring book you've ever read in your fucking life. Imagine a transcription of this. Are you using that bit of pipe?

This was a classic line from the Josh goes to the tip episode. Oh, stop a minute. I've just got to shut my Veluxes because the sun's coming through. Oh, let's pop that on air. Right, Rob, what have you got for me? I've got this. This is a salty, unsalty Josh Willicombe story. And I think we should, these have sort of died off a little bit,

but if you've got any interactions with me and Josh, maybe because of lockdown there hasn't been, feel free. Good and bad. I think it's only fair that we represent both sides of the coin. Salty, it should have a jingle, shouldn't it? You are jingle obsessed, aren't you? For a man that doesn't make them. Exactly, mate.

For a man who just shits, this should have a jingle. And poor Michael. Let's listen to the sexy voice of Michael. Are you there, Michael? Hello. He never listens. Hello, guys. Don't up the sexy, mate.

It's like the Geordie that moves to london like doesn't even sound geordie in newcastle but just to prove he's a geordie he's like oh can i fuck him go and be sexy michael michael how do you feel because i sometimes find it a little bit uncomfortable when josh just goes listening to jingle and then that's assumed that you'll do that what's well josh and i do another podcast and he does it a lot so i'm kind of used to it by now but but sometimes i just take that bit out from josh so i don't have to make them unbelievable i know you guys don't listen back so i'll just do what i want i listened back to one about two weeks ago right i listened back to one about two weeks ago oh and it was phenomenal the job michael had done on it, I couldn't believe it.

It sounded like we were hilarious. Like, the banter was so fast. I was like, no wonder people are listening to this shit. We're brilliant, but we're not. I've heard the rushes. Well, I've not heard the rushes. I've been there. I've said the rushes. You've said the rushes, mate. I've said the rushes you said the rushes mate i've said the rushes what is the rushes what does that mean

the main bit recorded like the tape is this an episode what are we doing just letting people in that we're not even if you think we're unfunny we're worse than that yeah yeah i do think that sometimes. When people slag me off for seeing me on the telly, you go, you think that's bad? You should see what they cut out. You're unhappy with that. That's the best of me.

If you don't like that, that's me at my peak. You might as well tap out now. Do not come to a live show. Yeah, but also I do sort of think, you know, like, occasionally you try and do a bit of banter on this show or whenever and it dies and it, you know, whatever. But the amount of people just in day-to-day life you try a bit of banter and it still happens to me now and it just falls off a cliff.

Did I tell you about, I don't know if I mentioned this, did I tell you about, I met some new parents from the school and they're a bit posh, right? They're both from like proper serious jobs, okay? And I'm a bit uncomfortable because I don't know how far to push my banter or how, well, basically how much of me I can be. You know, just be yourself. But sometimes it's good not to be yourself, you know?

Anyway, I was talking about COVID tests because they were saying about me going to work and stuff. I was like, yeah, I've been having lots of COVID tests. And I was like, I've had like, at one point, I had like six COVID tests in a week. And I went, yeah, I've had that thing up my nose six times in a week. It's so sore up there. I'll have nothing left.

I'll be like Daniela Westbrook by the end of COVID. Lovely, lovely bit of business. Lovely bit of business. I mean, if you want someone with, you know, an open nose, you know, she was known for having too much cocaine, it damaged her nose. It's a nice gag. Let's all move on.

Yeah, and also, I know she's had her troubles, but it's not been anything too tragic. She just had a, you know, it's fine. It's all a, she, they went, pardon? I was like, oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Because I know if you don't get that, you're not, if I explain the rest of you, you're not going to, I was like, pardon, oh, Daniel Westbrook, you know, from EastEnders? No. Bring it up the Google image search on your phone. Also, I think she's from overseas as well. I think she's from somewhere in Europe. You know when someone's English is so good that you just think,

oh my God, she actually speaks English better than me, but I didn't know she was. So now I didn't know, the cultural references aren't there. I'm like, you know, she basically, she played, Simone from EastEnders, she had, you know, dabbled with drugs and she hasn't, she actually lost her septum. Dabbled?

Dabbled? Imagine if she went for it. And then I'm like, I'm with Daniela Westbrook. They don't know where EastEnders, don't know EastEnders. And I'm like, oh, and I went, oh. And then I just went. And it just kept on going on. Lou was loving it because she knew I'd buried myself. And then I just went, yeah it just kept on going on. Lou was loving it because she knew I'd buried myself.

And then I just went, yeah, I just got a sore nose. I just got a sore nose, that's why. And at one point, I had to explain a COVID test because they hadn't had a COVID test. They didn't know it went up the nose. What? And I was like, Jesus, this was at the start. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, jeez, this was at the start. I was like, oh, my God. I was like, they've got absolutely no reference points here.

They don't know who Daniel Wellesberg is. They don't know who he's dead. They don't even know that it goes up your nose. They must think I'm an absolute lunatic. Oh, my word. Oh, wow. I don't think any joke is good enough to withstand the hammer blow of pardon before a repeated punchline. It's the same with when you ask someone their name and you don't get it.

They go, oh, pardon? Pardon? And you cannot three pardon it. You have to just go, I'm going to call up to meet you. And it's like, no, I didn't know. Because if you genuinely can't hear it, you can't just go, I don't know what you're saying. It's so awkward. But I find it's different. Middle class people.

So middle class people, like they were very middle class. And I said that and they didn't get who I was talking about. They'll just sort of go, oh, I don't know. But if I speak to upper class people, they go, who's that then? I find that they're less ashamed. They're a bit more like working class in their brashness. Where upper class people and working class people have nothing to lose to a point. Because the upper classes have got so much. The working classes haven't got much. But the middle classes, they're the ones that people have nothing to lose to a point because the upper classes have got so much the working classes haven't got much but the middle classes they're

the ones that have got stuff to lose do you know what i mean yeah to a point so a little bit more guarded of not making mistakes so this is an example rob yeah of a situation with someone's name where i didn't so i didn't get their name at the start right and then i was just like well that's that then right yeah so i turn up i was in glasgow this must have been maybe 10 years ago now doing the accent uh yeah freshest gig yep so it was like i mean it's like four in the afternoon two two comics me and the guy opening who was just going to bring me on who was from he was like a circuit act yep who i don't know who it was right i've not met him before since he's gonna be absolutely furious when he listens back to this i don't think he's

gonna remember he might actually so i go into the dressing room don't get his name early doors oh god don't think anything of it yeah don't think anything of it at all and then he's about they're like right so let's do the gig now if you don't know if you don't go to comedy clubs um they'll someone will have to do an offstage announcement for the other person yes and unthinkingly i said do you want me to announce you on from offstage oh my god and then he was like yeah and then i was like suddenly realized i didn't know his name. That is doubly bad because if you're not aware of another comedian's name on the circuit, it implies they're not making waves.

Yeah. But to actually meet them and still not know their name is, that is just on a social level, unacceptable. Yes. So I then went, I just thought, how am I going to get out of this? Oh my God. So I said, I I just thought, how am I going to get out of this? Oh my God. So I said, I said,

do you know what? Actually, I get really nervous doing these offstage announcements. I actually find it quite stressful. You're right if you do it instead. Oh, oh no. Oh.

Fine. He didn't even notice. Or he could have blagged it and just gone, this act needs, he's a local legend. He knows no introduction. Welcome him on. fine he didn't even notice or you could have blagged it and just gone this out the next needs he's a local legend he knows no introduction welcome him on hometown hero well yeah the other way is just to get loads of applause go i was once doing a gig it was me and suzy ruffle and we were in chester and the compere i'd seen him write her name on his hand fine we've all done that for security reasons and he was about to bring her on and he went right your first act and then he went oh i've

just got a bit of cramp in my thumb and like and used it to look down at his hand and play with his hand and i was like that's the shrewdest way to look at your hand without anyone realizing why you're looking at your hand. Yeah, but cramping the thumbs. I've never heard of cramping the thumb. It was bizarre because the crowd was just like, oh, that man's just got some cramp in his thumb. All right, now he's just brought on the act. It was so bizarre.

I think it'd be a set-up to a wanking joke, to be honest. Yeah, but that would be even worse, wouldn't it? I'm just going to bring on your act. Bit of cramp in my thumb. I love wanking. Here's Susie Rufford. In the mid-naughties, I would have gone for that. It would have been like, oh, sorry, I've got some cramp in my thumb. Just got broadband this week.

Something like that. Yeah, lovely. Rob, 20 minutes ago you promised a salty story. Yeah, sorry. Is it from a comedian who did a gig with me in Glasgow? Dear Rob and Josh, my husband and I are locked down in Dorset with nine-year-old boy slash girl twins.

They've only been to school for three months in the last year. She hasn't said why. I don't know if it's locked down or they've just been excluded. We can only wonder. Yeah. Yeah.

One of them headbutted a teacher. Anyway, I love the show. I can't wait for each new episode. It really brightens my week to the point that I realised it's a podcast day. I do a mini fist pump. This is from, she grabbed her name um bridget do just got broadband did a mini fist pump endorse it that's that's new only got it this week i noticed it's hard to do a mini fist pump on 56k i noticed in today's episode you mentioned there had been no emails about salty

josh oh no whilst josh was not salty on this occasion we enjoyed seeing what he got up to I noticed in today's episode, you mentioned there had been no emails about salty Josh. Oh, no. Whilst Josh was not salty on this occasion, we enjoyed seeing what he got up to on his days off. In about 2013-14, when Josh still had a fun life, we were standing in the crowd of the Pyramid Field at Glastonbury. Yes, please. Of 2013-2014, that is peak Widdicombe. No kids.

Single then? Or was you with Rose? I was with Rose. With Rose. She would have been there. 2013-2014 that is peak Widdicombe no kids single then was she with Rose oh it was with Rose with Rose she would have been there yep early days with Rose

last leg would have been going on you would have just started last leg you would have started doing your tour you're becoming a bit of a big deal

full time comedian not worrying about paying the bills anymore and you are spending like you don't think is ever going to dry up spending like it's gone out of's ever going to dry up.

Spending like it's gone out of fashion. He's on 600 quid a week. He's gone mental. You get 200 quid cash from a gig and you'd feel like you are a fucking god. I remember the first 60 pounds I ever earned from comedy given to me at a gig in Peterborough that was in a pub

that was still functioning as a normal pub and I just shouted it into the abyss but I got paid 60 quid in a little brown envelope. And I absolutely loved it. Oh, those brown envelopes. Oh, you could cash it in. No tax. I'm joking.

I'd always pay my tax. Or spend it on a bike. Always paid my tax. Always. I did, actually. It was almost like, coming from my background, it was almost like a sort of rebellion to pay it all. There you go.

Anyway, so he was with, Josh was with a group of mates. One of his friends got onto the shoulders of another guy in the group. Tom Parry, that would have been. Yeah, so someone's on Tom Parry. We don't know who that is. Tom Parry loves, he's going to come on the podcast soon as well. We've recorded his episode. Anyway, so someone's on Tom Parry's shoulders.

To our amusement, the gait of his jeans exposed quite a lot of his ass crack which was now at eye level of at least a hundred people behind him this was quite funny in itself do you remember this josh no because i would have been in the correct group wouldn't i so i probably wouldn't have seen you you could see it because josh took it to the next level by picking up his can of cider and pouring it down the guy's crack. Absolute bant. No memory of that, but I absolutely

applaud those actions. The poor man was helpless to defend himself as he was wobbling around on his friend's shoulders, clinging on for dear life. We found it because Tom Parry, once you're up, you're up. You don't even want to go up. Tom Parry will put you up and keep you there even if you don't want it you'd be shirts off that's his first thing oh and then up so the poor man was helpless we found it hilarious and it really added to our to our day i'd forgotten all about it until recently when i introduced my husband to

the podcast and it reminded me of the event that that is classic with you people don't know about you josh because you come across now it's a little bit of a stiff neck worried about this worried about your kids you know you've got to do this got to do that but you you were a bit of a boy on the circuit not not with like women but drinking you were known as a boozer yeah we're drinking the drinking you as a boy you was always in the bar last i mean i loved it loved it i would say not because you was a heavy could handle your drink guy no it certainly wasn't that you were such a lightweight that you would be off your bonce after about three pints be sick and then start again you were you operated at a fun three

pint maximum at any point because you'd be sick again and you'd go again you're like the energizer bunny it was a it was a reboot no one could was a reboot. No one could keep up with you. You just keep regenerating after you were sick. I was like one of those people. I'm sure you've got a boxing analogy here, Rob. Yeah. But I was like a fighter where in round two, you thought they were gone.

But they were still there in round 12. Exactly. He's been on the canvas four times. And no chance of winning. You'd never beat anyone drinking, winning you'd never be anyone drinking but you were all you'd always be there and they were just this big scary box of people looking at you going how is this fucker still standing up he's still going i've seen you be six stood up so many times and it's just a remarkable remarkable you know what do you know what those were the days my

friend but you've stopped now you've that everyone has that period when they're young don't they yeah but occasionally once every six months yeah i'll revisit that that person that i've left behind i think so i was talking to my friend about this so he's got a 18 month old and he was like so he's probably what am i 37 and what are you 34 i'm 35 35 so he's probably around our am I, 37? And what are you, 34? I'm 35. 35. So he's probably around our age, right? Yeah. And he was like, I think I've got, he said, I think I've got five more years of like being able to go out and do stuff. And then I'm going to kind of just ease off and I'll be middle-aged.

And I thought, I've got the opposite approach to this bloke. Yeah. I think I'm just locking down now. Yeah. This is the middle period. But when I hit 42, 43, and my children are five and seven. Yeah. I'm back, baby.

I couldn't agree more. We're in the eye of the storm. Yeah. The worst is yet to come. And I'm now is about fitness, eating better, losing a bit of weight, so that when I get to – I'm going to peak like Barlow at 40. I'm going to be ripped, have a six-pack. So if I go mental for six years, I'll just get back to the fat version of me at 33.

Mate, I cannot tell you enough. This is just the plateau, but I'm going to be back. Josh, do you know what we should do? I'm going to be pouring cans of cider down you know what we should do? I'm going to be pouring cans of cider down people's arses. Do you know what we should do, Josh? We should do one of the

men's fitness covers. You know, when they take over your life for six months and get you absolutely ripped. Yeah. And then we can just be, we can do like the DILF special.

Yeah. And we'll just, at 40, me and you, six packs, front cover of men's fitness. I think that's the dream. Totally. And then at 44, 44 i am gonna be looking like you in the guardian article rob yeah and then

absolutely rip the arse out of it and fall apart but what are five years and i want people to say to me at 40 josh such a shame rob's so fit now he's not funny anymore. That's the dream. That is the dream. Do you think, I'd like to hear people's views on this. What we're doing, is this a realistic achievement? Yes, because there'll be people ahead of us now on that call. Yeah. When we've got children that are 10 and 8, are we back, baby?

Well, I sort of think, mate, for me, it's between like 40 to 45 or maybe 40. I think when they're a bit like i think when they're more teenagers and you can drink with them yeah i think you're going in early i'm looking at 45 when they'll be like 15 13 around that age so 45 to 50 so i'm gonna just sort of get ripped now for the next 10 years yeah okay well and then 45 i'm just gonna go mental we'll hold you to that i confident of the second part of that sentence. At 45, I'm going to go mental, but for the next 10 years, I'm just going to be ripped

as a throwaway comment. Shall I do another email, Rob? Yeah, let's have an email, Josh. Okay. Lucy Riley. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm a huge fan of the podcast. I'm homeschooling twins and it keeps me entertained in the darkest hours. Ree having a baby during an important sporting event.

I thought I'd share my labour experience from June 2010. Ooh. I should just say, by the way, what we watched during the birth of my daughter. What did you watch? Your wife's vagina is normally what you're watching, isn't it? Yeah, I know. They shouldn't have televised it, Rob. We were waiting because it was induced because we were 11 days overdue.

Yeah. And about 9pm, I was watching Ivo Graham on Live at the Apollo. What, just on the telly in the room? Just on the telly in the room. Oh was just on the telly in the room. Oh, that's a bit weird, isn't it? It's weird that I will always associate watching Ivo. Have a very amusing set, but I wasn't really in the mood. No, no, I mean, yeah, I don't think you was really watching.

I think it was just on and you were there. Yeah, but he'll always be there. He'll always be there. He'll always be there in your mind. Right, let me take you back to that painful day, in many respects, that Germany tore down the England defence, as described by the BBC, to knock us out of the World Cup.

This is Lucy talking, not me. Also, the day my waters went. Two months early. Oh. No real story to tell, other than the fact that my husband and the midwife, Becky, watched the whole game and

was so hooked on the screen above my bed that they didn't even notice when i vomited all over the floor as my second waters went why am i laughing that's so horrible the midwife merely glanced over and said oh there's your second one's gone then before returning her attention to the match oh my that's the problem isn't? They've seen it all before. Being sick on a floor, for us, is like, oh, my God. But that is just a Tuesday for a nurse. Well, it used to be for me in my glory days, Rob. Back in 2013.

Back in 2013. There's the second pint gone. All jokes aside, after 26-hour labour and C-section. Oh, my God. all jokes aside after 26 hour labor and c-section oh my god it was all worth it when we in quotation marks got to meet close quotation marks our babies and what a meeting it is what a meeting it is i think we've discussed this before and that's what our reference is to i think we should make this a political campaign that that should be banned what's that meeting when you meet yeah i can't wait to meet them it should be if we ever do any merch we need to do something around or or when they go oh they just looked like an archie whatever the name is yeah absolute absolute

fucking drivel they look like nothing they look like nothing nothing nothing else looks like a newborn baby they didn't look like a person just Just accept it. It's just another kid. Anyway, I can't wait for May. She's another kid in a busy world. Congratulations. They're just 18 years away from being in your way on the train, a baby, aren't they? Exactly.

Here's your kid. You'll be able to go on the lash in 12 years. Yeah, exactly. Good luck. Ripped for 10 years. Get on it at 45. Good luck with that, right? Because most dads with young kids are ripped, aren't they? That's how it works. Exactly.

I'm going to say it. When you have a baby in your tide, you eat so well. Yeah, exactly. Whenever I watch Ninja Warrior, they've always just done a night feed and off they go, climbing up the wall. Right, Josh, we should probably call it a day there and do some more correspondence on Friday.

Look forward to it. Cheers! Bye!