Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP18: 100% Banter Juice

Episode Date: March 23, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP18: 100% Banter Juice More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Donkey.

Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Donkey. You got donkied off there, Josh. You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you. Are you telling Eddie, the four-year-old, to fuck off? I am.

Do you know what, mate? Fuck you, Eddie. Do you know what? Eddie is from Dartford, and I imagine in about 16 years' time... Oh, my God, Eddie's going to beat the shit out of me. 16? I reckon Eddie will be able to beat me up when he's 12. I would love... So is he four now?

So in 12 years' time when he's 16, bring him to a Josh gig and get him to heckle donkey for the longest running feud in light entertainment. You're obviously not aware of Piers Morgan versus Jeremy Clarkson. That's a long runner. What a helmet off that is. I mean, how do you pick a side there that's why no one really talks about that feud because it's impossible to choose someone in it well exactly

who are you picking clarkson or morgan you know what rob yeah i'm gonna surprise you here i am and i'm not just saying this for a fact a big fan of jeremy clarkson really i mean i i could have been swayed to the mor Morgan side in the middle of the pandemic when I thought he was doing quite well on Good Morning Britain, but then he went mental again. So I'd say I'm Clarkson. Do you know what he was like? He was like, you know when you have a girlfriend,

like when you first start dating people, that is obviously absolutely batshit. And then you go, oh, she was all right then, wasn't it? And then the next week she starts doing a shit on the buffet at a christening. You're like like oh no we're going to have to break up so you're a Clarkson

that's Dartford you're a Clarkson are you well I've I'm not a I've got no interest in cars no but and I

would say my world view is probably quite different from Jeremy Clarkson's but well he's six foot four isn't he so he sees a lot more he is

I actually think he's an incredibly talented TV presenter and very, very funny. Yeah, no, he is. To the point, I used to watch Top Gear with no interest in the show. And that's him, that whole thing. He's created that. Do you know what I mean?

So what in your top three, what are you doing? You're going Clarkson, Hammond, May or Clarkson, May, Hammond? I don't get a good feeling off the hamster. Yeah. James May, I think you know what you're getting and he's absolutely fine with hammond i think he could on a certain day i think he could lose it i'll be honest with you i'd prefer to go on the lash with may of the three of them i think he's probably a lovely bloke yeah i'd love to go on the lash with just may one on one i'd love clarkson on a wedding table you you know, like a big table. And him just red-faced, pissed up, dominating.

Five bottles of rosé down. And Hammond, Hammond seems like a lovely guy. But for me, I liked him in the early days. But when he started presenting Total Wipeout wearing travelling beads, he'd been to Thailand for four months. That's where Hammond lost me. Do you know what I'm going to say, Rob? I'm going to say it.

Fly out to fucking Argentina if you're going to present the show, mate. Lost me. Do you know what I'm going to say, Rob? I'm going to say it fly out to fucking Argentina. If you're going to present the show, mate, what are you doing? What a great Johnny days. I mean, they do travel the top gear boys. So you've got to be fair.

Like he must be sick of that. Cause that's it. Basically. It just goes somewhere in the middle of nowhere and drive a shit car until it breaks. It's basically the show. And it is a great show. I'm not criticizing,

but I sort of feel like saying, well, you are in the middle of Argentina. Why not get, you know, like a brand new sort of Range Rover that could deal with those roads? But then it wouldn't be a good show, would it, if it was that easy? See, that's the genius of Clarkson, Rob. That is the genius of Clark. Have you seen this YouTube channel?

It's just him outside a coffee shop. No. Pissed. But maybe not pissed, but on coffee, smoking, just moaning about like traffic lights and congestion charges that sounds my scene um anyway sorry so in conclusion fuck you eddie fuck you eddie the poor though no let's say eddie basically let me explain this eddie is currently obsessed with calling people donkey including the poor cashier at the supermarket over the weekend

we are undecided how he decided which one of you would be donkey on this occasion though keep up the great work katie and lewis in dartford i told my kids to start calling people sucker like when i said to go up to lou and say um it's time to brush my teeth sucker and it's quite funny but if they do that to someone outside of the family unit it's horrendous you know imagine if they called the teacher sucker it's very 80s rob what i think about sucker is it's so disrespectful but you can't get that angry if you said oh piss off or something that is instantly rude and bad but sucker that is funny in a three-year-old sucker do you know what rob yeah you're raising some amusing little children there do you know what if if anything they're going to be a right hoot aren't they sure they can't read all right i tell you what they can hold their own with clarkson at

the wedding table oh josh i've got to tell you this before we start josh because it is fresh hot off the press i have just delivered one of the greatest parenting 20 minutes of my parenting career oh yeah i'll talk you through it um the kids are a bit bored of going to school now the initial excitement's gone. And then the elder one is a bit like, oh, I don't want to go. But then when she goes in, she's absolutely fine. But then as she leaves, the younger one thinks, oh, yeah, I don't want to go to preschool. But she loves preschool.

Anyway, we had her literally curled up in my arms, crying uncontrollably saying, I don't want to go to school. The three-year-old, right? And this was like 10 minutes before we needed to leave. like to the point where me and Lou looking each other going let's just not send her then and then we started inventing that she was ill she wasn't ill she was she didn't have a temper she's not been ill but you start I sometimes to get out of difficult parenting invent that something wrong to sort of explain their behavior do you ever sometimes subconsciously do that yeah of course so I and then i was like no she's got to go to school she loves it as well and we know if she didn't go immediately as soon as we've decided

she's not going she would be happy and go i want to go school now and it'll be one of them right so she's crying uncontrollably we don't know what to do she's refused we've even offered her maltesers pre-school as a sort of time is this rob 8 30 a.m mate the lighter way to enjoy chocolate at 8 30 a.m but yeah exactly we didn't go yorkie we didn't go full pelt we didn't go harry bow we went all teasers just because we had nothing left in our arm have you got a fun size packet there or is it a full it was a fun size not a full pack what do you think i'm raising jesus christ um i did you put the maltesers out in the kind kind of trail like Hansel and Gretel to lure her to the... I delivered them on a scooter in the basket.

You what? To be like, you can have them in the basket as you scooter to school. And then I mentioned, oh, why don't we drive you to school then instead? And she wanted to be driven, but we couldn't because it was a car seat issue that I don't want to go into. They weren't in the right cars. We didn't have time. So anyway, as she was sobbing, and then Lou was doing her hair again, because she'd been crying so much, her hair had all come out. And as she was doing it, so this is where it started.

Distraction is the best method for my kids. I had to do her and make her laugh and distract her. But you can't go full in with, like, banter. You have to sort of sneak in. So I started putting funny faces. But whenever Lou looked at me, going normal again. that is my from sobbing to fun again transitional period lovely yeah and then i and then that escalated to me pulling my t-shirt over my head so i'd no head and i was running around bumping into walls and she loved it right and then i can't believe you

were doing your tour show for her i was doing my encore at 8 30 a.m anyway so i start chasing around the house and she's sort of laughing a bit bit simply and then i go i'm gonna get you and i'll open the front door and chase her out of the front door until she's on the drive and now i'm chasing around on a scooter and then lou comes out of all the stuff go quick the monster's getting us and then goes through like the front gate and i chase her out the gate and i chase her down the road to school. And she's laughing. And before we know it, she's in school.

Oh mate, I was buzzing. I'd just done a gig. It was such a ride. You are like something from a advert for a bank, Rob. Do you know what I mean? Like, you know those happy families you'd see who just got their first mortgage from Nat West or something. And you go, people don't live like that the beckett's fucking do also unfortunately the t you know some t-shirts are a bit short in the body right wearing one at the moment this one is i i cannot go shopping in it to reach top shelf or it's barely out

i literally was wearing a crop top chasing a child down the street oh Oh my word. Wow. It's a lovely image. I'm going to say it. I would not be able to do that at all. I'm too uptight. What, to chase down the road? Just to lose myself in parenting like that. Do you know what I mean? My natural instinct is to pretend I've not got no head and chase her. But anyway, so that went well and she went in okay.

That is, and you're buzzing from it. So I'm buzzing, Josh. Do you think you're going to have got into a situation where you're going gonna have to do that every morning do you know what i didn't mind it didn't mind it it made me feel alive because if you're trying to make a kid happy come back to me on day eight rob yeah maybe maybe not but yeah i'm that went well and i genuinely thought we wouldn't she weren't going to school today because she was so upset. To turn that round, you must be absolutely walking on air. Oh, honestly, Lou was looking at me like it was genuinely the best thing I've ever done.

I couldn't believe the turnaround. It was absolutely insane. So I'm just buzzing off life at the moment. I think you obviously had a few meltdowns in the week, so it's just good to get a good bit of business under your belt. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It feels like a 2-0 home win before a difficult Champions League tie in the week. What a start. What a start to the week so it's just good to get a good good bit of business under your belt you know i mean yeah it feels like a two nil home win before a difficult champions league tie in the week what

start what start to the week as well if you started the week with a no show at school rob this would be a very different episode oh god yeah i mean exactly that's the thing with parenting it's all in a knife edge isn't it at any point your legs can be taken we are a little bit of a hot head temperature away from a 10-day lockdown again or two two weeks or whatever it's just me you forget that because you sort of like vaccines are working and the numbers are going low and it feels like we're all headed in the right direction but one temperature you're back you're back at square one well do you know what rob yes talking of vaccines yeah i am riddled with 5g bill gates is literally in your living room watching you right now all i'm saying rob

and i i've not thought to say this before on the podcast but i don't know about these apple laptops microsoft it's a good company i've just i don't know what happened but i've just ordered an android without thinking about it. So I've had a big week, Rob. Yes. So you've got asthma, haven't you? Because you're not 50 yet. So I put it on Instagram.

Don't ever mention anything on Instagram about schools opening or closing or the vaccine. It's not worth it, Josh. Well, I tell you what, Rob. I put my jab on Instagram because I felt, you know. Well, I tell you what, Rob, I put my jab on Instagram because I felt, you know, well, I'll be honest with you, Rob, do you want to know why I did it? Why?

Because there's a couple of comedians on Twitter who are my most searched thing on the Safari app of my phone who are anti-vaxxers and I'm absolutely bloody obsessed with them, Rob. Oh no, it's insane, isn't it? They're mental. Yeah.

And I'll be honest, I thought, I really want to put a picture up on instagram and twitter in the hope that they'll bite and shame me you want to be sort of abused for being that like yeah you'll be yeah i wanted to annoy them that much even though i can see they don't even follow me rob and god do you know what now there is going to be a team of l lph researchers now trying to work out okay we need to find two comedians that are anti-vaxxers that josh doesn't follow and they don't follow him and then they're going to get a short list and try and

work out who you're talking about 25 minutes after i put my picture up one of them tweeted about how much he hated comedians tweeting about their vaccines you got yes you caught one i caught an anti-vaxxer i like on social media posing um like weird questions about the vaccine where i i put right yeah obviously it's a joke this was um hello people semi-serious vaccine question here my wife was shielding and has had her vaccine i suffer from type one huge dick syndrome should i take the oxford astrazeneca jab that i've been offered or wait for the pfizer one okay lovely bit of business lovely bit of business i mean what i thought was underappreciated was the um semi pun there that was subtly put in a semi-serious question because i've got such a huge dick i don't think a lot of

people got but i just wanted people to know that i've only got it since you pointed it out exactly and i'm working on two levels here josh and the thing is because people have got perception of I don't think a lot of people got, but I just wanted people to know. I've only got it since you pointed it out, Rob. Exactly. And I'm working on two levels here, Josh. And the thing is, because people have got perception of me not able to work on two levels, I like to surprise people. And sometimes I just want to bring it up sometimes. Most people think you can barely work on a level, Rob. Exactly.

Do you know what I mean? It's sort of grinning and shouting, which I get. That is what I do. It's a living. But I can also do. It's a living, mate. It means I'm not rushing out the house. I can chase my child down the road with one top over my head.

It's how I want to live my life. Anyway, so I had a lot of people actually commenting on that post seriously, saying that I should just take it. It doesn't matter if you're type 1. Obviously not read the dick thing. And even friend and contributor to this podcast, the wonderful Gabby Logan said definitely take the vaccine Rob you shouldn't mess around and I was like oh thanks Gabby and I said

but what about my huge type one dick and she said especially have it so I thought oh she's having a bit of fun but then Gabby the lovely lady emailed me privately a link about why there's jab safe oh wow I'll be honest with you Rob when when you said gabby had gone to dm at that point i thought oh she's a fan of the type one is she no gabby's lovely gabby sent me a message saying rob whatever whatever condition you've got you should definitely take the vaccine which i agree with but she sort of missed the joke but now it's too awkward do you think do you think rob that she's only scam reading what you've written she's she's not taking it in yes i don't think she's took in my huge dick she's just sort of quickly read it but also more shockingly which

i took as a compliment she sent me a link to the times website so i mean what well does she think that i've got a subscription to the times i'm Wow, Rob, Rob, Rob. I'm not reading it. I'm not reading it for free. Rob. Yeah? You used to do Mock the Week. Our login still works, mate. They give you a login, don't they? They give you a login.

I'm still using it, mate. Why? You're still using the Mock the Week login? I'm still logging into the Times as a Mock the Week regular. I have been for fucking years, Rob. I am not reading the Times. But anyway, I'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you Gabby and I agree

have the vaccine whatever your medical condition whether it's a huge dick or asthma and apologies that I tricked you but I didn't mean to so I think that's my apology

done there Josh and I'd like to say thank you to Angst Productions for allowing me to log into the Times for the last six years anyway how's your parenting week been? I'll tell you about my job oh yeah jab me up what's happening so got the text now i put on instagram before we got distracted that

finally my ass was paying off and a lot of people said uh you don't get it for asthma so i this is pure speculation that it's asthma related but my wife is with the same doctor and a month away from me and she hasn't been offered it. A month away of you in age? Yeah. But then, what did she get offered it? Because she's pregnant?

I think you get offered it and then you turn it down. How fat have you got in lockdown, Josh? I've not seen you for a few months. Hold on, Six Stone. Yeah. I just wanted that jab so bad, mate. I've been feeding up for a year.

Yeah, I waddled down there. Well, my friends in Ballam got it, and they're only about 45 because there's not that many people that are over 50. So, oh, my God, Josh, do you know what we sound like? Two mums, you know, sort of like nan-age mums that have bumped into each other outside the post office. Oh, my God, yeah. What are we doing?

This is a professional – well, it's not professional, but this is a podcast, Rob. Do you know what? Peter Crouch is welcome to number one if we're putting out shit like this. I mean, surely the podcast you listen to should be more interesting than a random chat you have in the street. Well, I worry, Rob, that we're getting more inane, but I worry that that's actually the best stuff we do.

Maybe being mundane's our calling card. Well, buckle up, because in a minute i've got a recording of me going through some traffic lights to play you so the tricky religious traffic lights that don't work sundays okay well let's save that for later yeah i went for the jab saturday morning i'm gonna say it rob yeah i genuinely found the whole experience quite emotional yeah well when lou got hers and i was waiting for outside i felt i felt the same and she felt that of like it's a weird buzz and I think we don't realize how much the sort of background noise and the subconscious noise and media of the pandemic gets into your head because we're just used to it now but it's so it's been such a brutal year and it also feels

like you're like this does feel like something that I, a year ago, couldn't have imagined. Yeah. Like I was just, I mean, I don't want to get emotional over logistics, but I just couldn't believe how well it organized. It all was. And how amazingly the NHS have put this out and got this sorted. Do you know what I mean?

It's just. And I think the military are doing all the logistics aren't they? And you know, I do think the British military are quite good, aren't they? Yeah, I was marched in with a gun behind my back, actually. It's quite hard to find the vaccination centre because it's all camouflaged. You have to spend a lot of time walking about.

So you go in, there's like the waiting rooms and it's just very sharp, very quick. And also I got a free sticker. I hope it's sharp. Absolutely, yes. I was absolutely delighted by the free sticker. sharp, very quick. And also got a free sticker. I hope it's sharp. Absolutely, yes. I was absolutely delighted by the free sticker. Oh, lovely stuff. And I didn't have that much of a reaction to it.

I presumed, I'll be honest with you, I presumed I was the kind of stiff-necked nerd who'd be ill for a week, Rob. Yeah, me too. I can imagine that. On the limb tip. Exactly. But I woke up at 5am, feverish. Oh! Took a couple of paracetamol. And that all that's happened apart from my arm is a bit painful bit bcge my arm but apart from

that bcg oh that's great yeah luke felt a bit rough the next day but apart from that was fine my parents all had it it's it's that it does feel quite positive that you know we've had half the country's got vaccinated now so it's good. Is this a vaccine special, Josh? Sorry. Yeah, I know. I was just very excited. I felt genuinely, do you know what? It felt like a part of history.

Do you know what I mean? You will definitely be asked about this by your daughter and maybe even her kids. They'll go round to granddad's house to talk about getting the vaccine. And unfortunately for me, my great grandchildren will ask how big my type one huge dick was. Of course they will. Of course they will. Of course they will. You know, if they don't get banter. And you'll say, look in the history books.

It's all there for everyone to see. Because if my daughters turn into a couple of stiff necks and get proper serious jobs, imagine if they're a lawyer or a CEO, the banter juice is going to be diluted by the time it gets to great-grandchildren. And I was going to be sat there with these little stiff necks doing puzzles. I'm like, come on, people. let's hide our heads and chase yeah got a loose neck loose neck huge dick granddaddy who wants to play let's talk let's

talk about how diluted the banter juice is already Rob so you're 100% banter juice aren't you yeah I'd say I'd argue my parents are over 100% banter to the point of you know it's too too much banter nothing's nothing gets done and how diluted is your loo i'd say that's i'd say lose lose a 7.5 on the banter and the banter dilution and the kids i'd say i'm i'm bringing them up to an 8.5 oh so i think the banter the banter the banter is quite high at the moment but i did notice a 0.5 drop off on the eldest going to primary school. Oh, my word. So she's operating at about eight,

but the three-year-olds are still 8.5. But I'm, you know, I'm sat there sitting pretty at 10 on the instantly invented banter dilution juice scale that we are operating at. We can follow that over future episodes. I look forward to it. Yeah, exactly.

Give it another 30 years, let them have some kids, and I'll let you know how the banter diluted. I had a bad parenting moment earlier, Rob, while you were doing your good parenting. Yeah. So this wasn't bad parenting,

but I just thought, that is pathetic from me. Just really pathetic. The way my mind works sometimes. You just go... Yeah, go on. So I've always been a fan, since before having children of the

small trainers that children wear that you see in shoe shops yeah do you ever do you ever plan on getting them and hanging on your wing mirror not the wing mirror the rear view mirror in the car the rear view mirror no i haven't planned that but i have you know i always if in a shoe shop your own i just i just i try on. A little size four converse, a little grubby converse on the rear view. Sorry, Josh, I'm peppering you today. No, you joke about my small feet, Rob, but you enjoy paying VAT on your shoes because I...

It's a saving. Another person with surprising small feet is Joel Domet. He's a seven. I've got nines, Rob. You're a size nine. I'm a size nine. I take it back. feet is Joel Domet. He's a seven. I've got nines, Rob. You're a size nine? I'm a size nine. I take it back. That is the average size.

Joel Domet's a seven, and I think that explains why he gets so muscly. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, you've got to prove yourself if you're wandering around in those little trotters. Could he build up his feet? Could he work his feet? Get them muscly so they go up to a size nine? I'll message him and find out.

Yeah. He'll be on here in a couple of years once he's had a kid we'll ask him yeah he'll be honest straight away he'll be having a kid to get on it um that's what they're doing now rob they are i think people are banging for exposure yeah you could come on mate you got a torture from i have a fucking kid i'm sorry what would you say until you're pathetic with your kid oh no yeah I just I love those I love those little trainers Rob I've always loved those little trainers I've always thought when I have a kid can't wait to get those little trainers yeah yeah my daughter is not into the little trainers no won't wear them can I get can I pick which little trainers you want to get

are they little adidas ones with the velcro and the three stripes yeah i mean we've got them we've got them rob we've got all these little trainers i like little nike ones i like the little converse she won't wear any of them right and obviously during winter it's wellies yeah and then this was the first day of summer i've got the trainers out she wasn't interested straight back in the wellies and i just i had a moment where i thought this is so unfair on me this this is all i've ever wanted is to put a child in trainers yeah like a little and i genuinely thought well it's all on the next one all or nothing on him now on whether he uh whether he wears the trainers there's a lot of pressure on him it genuinely

upset me and i thought that is pathetic that my main issue in life is that I don't get to put my child in tiny, expensive trainers. I had that with football kits, little football kits. I went to Barcelona on a stag day and bought two of these football kits, Barcelona football kits for both girls. And Lou literally would never put them in it. And then I tried to put them in it. And I went, oh, it's all slimy and weird and silky. So now there's about 80 quid's worth of football kit in the drawer.

Never to be warned. And Lou nearly threw it out the other day. And that was the most I've ever shouted. I was like, what the? Because I go back to my sort of childhood of not being able to afford football kits. So the thought of a football kit being thrown in a bin makes me, my blood, I won't take any football kit. If I saw an old, even like an old Tottenham kit on the floor,

I'd probably leave Tottenham. But if I saw just a decent football kit on the floor in mud, I'd take it home and wash it. I can't see a football kit get thrown away. No, of course not, Rob. You're a human. Yeah, I'm a human. I've got feelings.

But you see these kids at nursery and they're wearing like brilliant clothes. Yeah. And you're like, how the fuck are they doing that? I am currently, I'm negotiating to a clangers t-shirt and some wellies every morning i know you've just got to let them find their own style though josh but i think i think it's all power play like you said it's like you can be their prison bitch and if they can smell it's like a dog if they can smell fear and if they can smell you want something they won't let it happen yeah she's seen your shoes you she knows you want her

to wear those Converse, but then you baby, why don't you get them really soft bottom ones, the babies and put them on the kid before he has, he knows what's going on. Yeah. I mean, he's going straight in a pair of bloody trainers from the off. I know it doesn't matter.

That's the thing. And in my head, I'm going, this is what you, why do you care about this? She's happy in the way. Is it actually annoying you? It did.

It did for like three minutes. And then I was was like what the fuck are you doing to myself i was like why do you care about this you pathetic man do you want to hear about the traffic light rob uh yes i do and i've got a couple i've got a story about dogs and uh smoothies well there we go what do you want first do you want to hear the traffic light? Yeah, let's do traffic light. So we've covered this for the last couple of weeks. For people that aren't aware, let's give us a rundown. There is a traffic light near my house

that doesn't turn green on a Sunday. Yeah. And I thought it was just me, didn't I? But then someone emailed in and identified the traffic light. And it's been reported now. It's been reported. So I went to test it out on sunday and i thought i'll record this and now rob you might say that is an unnecessary trip oh yes because we're all supposed to be at home staying safe aren't we protecting the nhs but it is work because it is content isn't it

so that yeah because you literally only went out to record this no trip to the dump no trip to the dump but okay this is content okay is it is it though yeah because it is no different from you doing a uh road trip with romesh yeah yeah it's exactly the same as going to st andrews to fill but what i'd say is though yes it is content from that point of view because it's going to be on the podcast but from a editorial is this good enough to put on a that point of view because it's going to be on the podcast. But from an editorial, is this good enough to put on a podcast point of view? Is it content? Well, let's not scratch at the surface of that, Rob. Okay.

For Australia's Uncle's done, this is content and let's hear it. So here we go. Joining the correct rows now. Rounding the corner towards the traffic lights in a second. Right, so far, just before the corner of the traffic light now, and it doesn't seem to be any traffic. It seems that it's free.

Just coming up to the corner now, there's a separate crossing, so some people going across. Once I'm past that, I will be at the traffic light. And here we are. It's red. Okay, the traffic light is red. It's gone green. It's gone green.

The traffic light has gone green on a Sunday. Oh, my word. Oh, my God, no. It's gone red. Before I got to it, it's gone gone red and i've been left at the front this is an absolute disaster right so i'm i'm now sat at the front waiting oh my god i should have just gone on the fucking yellow right it's just me waiting i can see the other road is counting down on their pedestrian crossing so the other road is counting down on their pedestrian crossing.

So the other road is going to be left for... If I'm stuck here, I'm going to be fucking livid. Right, the other road, traffic's going. This is up being in your brain. Oh, Jesus, here we go. So they're all going. Still no-one's joined me. I'm just on my own, waiting at this red light. It wouldn't be my turn anyway now.

So I've gone green. I've gone green. The problem has been fixed. There we go. I don't want to take credit for us ourselves, but I think we can say we've achieved a lot in this show. But really, getting the traffic light to work again near my house that's top of the list isn't it there you go rob oh good job that was strangely compelling

and then it was just oh and then it was almost like the perfect narrative because you thought oh it's just green oh no it's gone red again and it was like the second dollop of danger and you you know what, though? That is pretty impressive that you've managed to get that fixed just by moaning about it on here. Exactly. Exactly, Rob. Exactly.

And if you go, should we get fixed? Has anyone else got anything they need fixing near their house? It doesn't have to be road traffic. If you've got anything that needs fixing, we'll mention it. Could be a broken curb. Could be a bin that's overflowing. Just let us know the location, name what's wrong and you need to record yourself going back to it and we can see if it's been fixed or not and we social crusaders really josh in a way and

well done though josh to get that uh listening to that i did think all of my respect for jeremy clarkson i haven't picked up many of his kind of tips when it comes to bringing the driving experience alive do you know what though it's almost like a preview of your life post-divorce gonna drive down here again uh i've dropped the kids back and uh yeah just check out the dump and the uh the red light and uh yeah i'll get to see him in two weeks, so not too bad. I've got a slight issue with my three-year-old, Josh. Yep. She's too confident in public.

Oh, no, I've got the opposite. Well, especially with dogs. All right. So she loves dogs, always wants to stroke dogs, and also, you know, some dogs don't want to be stroked. And I feel sorry for dog owners when kids just run at a dog, because some dogs aren't friendly. You don't know the history of a certain dog, or they've met many kids so they don't want to be touched you know you wouldn't run up and touch a person would you but so i always say i know you

have to ask if you want to touch a dog right or stroke a dog ask the owner and then normally they go to me oh daddy can you touch that dog and i make a judgment call on the dog before i say yes or no to ask them and normally that judgment call, is it going to bite their face off? And, you know, you have to look at the owner. You look at the dog. Southeast London, and don't get me wrong, staffies are lovely little dogs, but they can also be trained to kill because they're so loyal, right? So I got brought up, our cousin had a staffie, little Jesse dog,

the most lovely, kindest, most gentle dog ever. But also in Southeast London, those dogs are used for drug deals anyway oh yeah, it's like protection dogs you know the staffs they don't transport it in the dog do they? no, they don't put the drugs up the dog's arse I'm talking, they'll take them as protection

to a drug deal or just protection on their estate or whatever or down their road so I normally make the judgement call, but now she started going, excuse me, can I stroke that doggy at the owner? So she's completely cut me out. Oh, she's cut you out of the deal. I'm out of the deal.

I'm just stood there. And then this dog came down the road and I have never seen, you know, is it Ghostbusters, the second one, when they're like stone goblin dog things come alive is that ghostbusters michael will know this it's the first one in the first ghostbusters those sort of like stone dogs come alive and they're just like awful horrendous scary dogs it was like one of those dogs and then she went can i show that doggy and they only went yeah go on then i was like oh my god and i. And then I had to get involved. And I put like, and the dog was lovely,

but I was shitting it. But I've got no control now. She's in control of the dog stroke situation. I've completely been cut out the loop. Oh my God, Rob. Do you know what it reminds me of? Have you ever like just sorted out a gig? Someone's approached you and you've just sorted it out

without bringing your agent into it because it's slightly easier. Yeah, and then it works out that you've double booked yourself, you're not getting paid, and you've got to drive five people there. Yeah. She's doing what you're doing in that situation, Rob. I'm her agent. Exactly.

I need to be getting the first nip if the dog's going to attack. Also, Josh, I've got a huge, salty Josh Whittacombe story from... I don't know whether to do it or not okay you can cut it out right cut it out okay so this is a salty Josh Whittacombe story Josh but not from a stranger this is from one of the people that work for off the curb our agents and managers all right Rick okay Rick you know you know already no it's just the kind of person that I actually would lose my cool at because he's not very good at his job. Oh!

I'm joking. I know he listens to the podcast. Salt, we've got live salt from Josh. Rick is one of my favourite people. I once found Rick. I was walking around Latitude at about midnight and there was just someone sat in the middle of the field with their head in their hands.

And me and Rose were like, should we go up and check on that person? And it was Rick. Well, Rick, now, because also when you first started in comedy, Rick was one of the new guys in the office. He was starting out. He just got the job there. He was taking the bins out, genuinely.

Well, yeah, he was doing the sort of entry-level jobs. But they used to be in the basement. I mean, this is so boring for people that aren't interested in comics. But they used to be in the basement of the man that owned them. Owned the company, yeah. And Flo, who's my agent now, and Rick, their jobs would be to take the bins out. Yeah, exactly.

But then they worked their way up. Now, Rick's big agent, he looks after Joel Domek, Kevin Bridges. Angela Barnes. Angela Barnes, yeah. So loads of big comics. work their way up now rick's big agent he looks after joel domic kevin bridges angela barnes angela barnes yeah so loads of loads of big comics anyway he said when he first started working for the company and he went to check on you at the edinburgh fringe to see if the show was going okay and everything like that you were stood there eating a sandwich do you remember this well so far rob i'm not gonna lie to you i've eaten more sandwiches in my life that they're not all memorable okay okay anyway you finished eating the sandwich so when was this before the show before the show or after the show i'm not

sure you're eating a sandwich right rick's there to check on you as one of the new guys in the company rick needs to wind his fucking neck in right and then you why is he contacted you directly about this he was he's a fan of the podcast he's got kids now he was talking he said he was gonna have to check with flow first wherever i could tell the story. He should be checking with the person who's paying for that chair he sits on in his fucking office. Me. Oh, we've got live salt.

We've got live salt, people. Anyway, he was eating a sandwich. We've got live salt. We've got live salt. When he was eating this, he finished eating the sandwich and then when he was finished, he just gave him the wrapper

to put in the bin. Bullshit. Total bullshit. No, he said he remembers it. you just gave him the wrapper to put in the bin bullshit he said he remembers that you just passed him the wrapper like he was your servant that is do you know what that is a bullshit but b he should he should do that rapper i think i've got no memory of that what's amazing about that right that's part of his job well to be fair at that point i think that was part of his job he's got the rapper taken now i uh heard a story about um i mean it's a similar thing backstage at comedy club the person who ran it i won't say who the big name comic was, who's actually a really nice man.

Yeah. But say his tour manager was Steve, was called Steve. He was eating a pudding backstage, stood up, and he dropped his napkin and he just went, Steve? And Steve picked up his napkin. Oh, no. Oh, is that where you got it from?

So you're saying you were- No, because I didn't do this. I was Rick, right? At at the time he should have gone that is an unacceptable thing instead he's gone do you know what i'm gonna sit on that for decades yeah but he was new he couldn't you were the he wasn't you this was you this was you when you were like rob doing the last leg you were the big news higher up in the comedy hierarchy than me when we were in edinburgh together oh so it's okay to hand rubbish to lower ranking people in the hierarchy is that what it is is that what you're saying that just some little peasant kid could take it but not rick is that what you're saying oh no what i'm saying is he wasn't new

he wasn't new he was you so you're saying he was used to taking your rubbish, so why bring it up? Just take it because that's what you're paid to do. Is that what you're saying? Do you know what? I thought it was going to be a different incident with Rick, so I'm quite pleased it's this one. What's the other one? I once had an argument, not an argument with him.

I once lost it on the phone with Rick when this was a, do you know when you're like, what kind of life was I living? But I remember when I was doing 8 Out of 10 cats for one of the first times. Yeah. The night before, I had to sleep. I had nowhere to sleep. So I had to sleep on a coat on the floor of my friend's house. Why did you have nowhere to sleep?

The night before doing 8 out of 10 cats, right? Yeah. to sleep the night before doing eight out of ten cats right yeah and then i remember like i was fucked obviously exhausted and very nervous yes it is a hugely nerve-wracking thing to do yeah and i was really new to all this and um i phoned up uh off the curb and rick answered i asked him to get a car or whatever today i i had to change the location of the car to eight of ten cats because i didn't know where i was or whatever yeah and i was very snappy with him rob but bear in mind i'd just been sleeping on a fucking coat and then i was gonna have to go on and banter about the week's news with short lock i wasn't in a great mental place sure lock is quite scary as well

yeah have i told you the sure lock story about my black eye i had have i told it on here no Great mental place. Sherlock is quite scary as well. Yeah. Have I told you the Sherlock story about my black eye I had? Have I told it on here? Well, I had a black eye from playing football, just nothing exciting, just an arm flung around and caught me in the eye and I had a black eye at five-a-side goals. Anyway, I went to do eight or ten cats

and they were trying to put makeup on it to cover it, but it looked more weird. So I went, I'll just go on it with a big black eye. And he went, oh, what happened to your eye? I went, oh, nothing oh nothing you know nothing that interesting really i can't really tell the story about it because nothing interesting happened i went all right i went or maybe i could like make something up he went oh someone's learning absolutely two-footed me but it was right i should have just made up a funny story

well i'd like to apologize to rick yeah for uh for his made-up story about the uh sandwich it's like that is it um anyway that just made me laugh it's a quick one a quick little uh week um so at the weekend we're doing a thing now where i have a line on the saturday and then lou takes the kid somewhere and um lou has a line on the Sunday and I take the kids somewhere, okay? Just because we're with each other all the time and that way the parent can have their own day or a few hours on a day. On Saturday, Lou took the kids to Hever Castle for the day.

Very nice. On the Sunday, I went to Sydenham Sainsbury's because it's massive and it's got an Argos. Sydenham Sainsbury's? It's great. It looks like a football stadium. It's got a great arc on it. And it's massive, mate.

Absolutely massive. It's got Specsavers in there, all sorts. It feels like the real world again. And yeah, I just thought that really summed up our relationship, to be fair. Yeah. But which did the girls enjoy more? Well, they enjoyed Sydenham because I literally let them have

whatever they wanted as a new parenting technique. Because, you know, normally... Is that a parenting technique, Rob? Well, yeah. I've never done it before. Or is that weakness? I think it's weakness. Because on the Saturday night, they weren't going to sleep.

And Lou was having rows with them. And she went, oh, you go up and talk to them. And then they went straight to sleep. And Lou went, what did you say to them? I said, when we go to the shops, you can have whatever you want. Amazing. And then she went, yeah, but you can't just do that. I went, well, I haven't given them meat yet.

I've just given them the promise but then they remembered and we had chocolate milk we had straws these mad little sugar straws that you just stick in milk that uh maltesers they drove home with a pringles tube each eating it they ate half a tube of pringles but it's great fun i mean you know you can't do it every day but it's just like you know it's easier letting them have what they want and then they were loaded with sugar and you went, your afternoon, Lou, enjoy yourself. Yeah, yeah, see you later.

Bye. I want to play golf. Do you want some emails, Rob? Yes, please. Now, I'll be honest with you. It was very tight this morning, so I didn't get to read them. So basically, I'm going to give you the titles. Yep.

And you can choose. Cool. Okay. Do you want How to Help Josh with His Baby Naming Dilemma? Hmm.

Or Ivory Tower? Oh, yes, I have a bit of Ivory Tower. Professor from the Ivory Tower. Basically,

it's first world problems. Sucker. Okay, so this is people complaining about things they shouldn't because their life's actually quite nice. Is that correct, would you say? Yeah, but you can see their point of view,

but you can't actually moan to anyone about it. No, exactly. Hi, Rob and Josh. When we moved to a four-bedroom house, see their point of view but you can't actually moan to anyone about it no exactly hi rob and josh when we moved to a four-bedroom house i thought this was great plenty of space for me and my husband and two girls little did i realize when lockdown happened our usual cleaner could no longer come it was me cleaning three bathrooms and a downstairs toilet four toilets that's too many toilets in isn't it? Well, I'd love to know,

have they ever been used for a shit all at the same time? What, all four members of the family going for shits at the same time? Yeah. Lovely family trip to the toilet. How many toilets have you got, Rob? How many toilets I've got? I've got a downstairs toilet, an upstairs toilet,

and then we've got an en suite, so three toilets in our house. So you could do three shifts. Do you think there's ever been three shifts at the same time, Rob? I think I'd definitely put money on two. Yeah. I don't think we've done the triple. But when we were growing up, our four brothers,

we had one toilet and one bathroom in our house, and it took so long to get out of the house because everyone – and also as well there'll be times where is everyone showering in the morning before school as well yeah yeah we're not dirty bastards josh no i was just checking that must have been started so early but i bet if you're having a bath the rule was if someone needed to come for a piss they were allowed to come and have a piss while he's having a bath oh wow yeah but my dad would sometimes do a shit when we're having a bath and that was that was unacceptable but it did happen that was awful did you stay in the bath in that situation

i do for me i'd get out and leave and i just say well if you're doing a poo you've ended my bath the bath just gets worse from then doesn't it yeah you know also baths they're good for about 30 seconds and then you're just there going what am i doing in here i don't like baths i've got no time for them i if someone said you can never there going, what am I doing in here? I don't like baths. I've got no time for them. If someone said, you can never have a bath again, I wouldn't give a shit. Fair enough.

There you go, I've said it. That's the kind of thing. You said it, I don't care, this guy. I couldn't give a shit. Take my sandwich wrapper and fuck off. Andrew from Tunbridge Wells' ivory tower confession. So what was hers?

You just, it took so long to clean the house? Too long. Moved in the house too hers? It took so long to clean the house? Too long. Moved in the house. Too big that it took too long to clean. Oh, yeah, that is a hard one to moan at anyone about that, isn't it? Yeah. How about this one? Andrew Gavard.

We briefly lived in a Victorian semi. We had to have two Hoovers. Whoa, why? Rather than lug the main Dyson up three flights of stairs to vacuum. Oh, that is mental. You can't have that one. However is your Dyson? Empty it before you carry it up. Two Hoovers.

Absolute nightmare. No, I'm not having two Hoovers. I'm living in a two Hoover household, Rob. I'm not. I'd just like to be very clear on that. I am operating an eight-bin system, but a two Hoover house. Fair enough. I have the main Hoover and then one of them little ones. You know, the little like vac pack thing. Dirt devils. One Fair enough. I have the main hoover and then one of them little ones.

You know, the little, like, vac pack thing. Dirt devils. One of them. You can't live in a two-dyson property. No. Come on. You can't have two. It's too much.

It takes up too much space. Yeah, exactly. I've got an ivory tower confession for you, Rob. Yeah, go on. So, well, I've got an ivory tower issue. Is it social distancing? No one can take your sandwich wrappers. You have to anti-back before and after you give it to someone to put them in so i i can't believe rick's coming i can't believe you've been sitting on it for a decade

he got to man you've got to be good to people on the way up you know because you meet them on the way down josh it'll. You'll be taking his sandwich wrapper soon. When you're Kevin Bridges' tour manager in about eight years' time. It would be such a shit tour manager. So, air con, Rob. Yeah? We live in a house that is so hot in the summer and I'm anticipating it. Am I going to have to buy an air con rob yeah we live in a house that is so hot in the summer and i'm anticipating it am i

gonna have to buy an air con unit because my daughter's moved up to the second floor look you're though you're in a terraced house and they get so hot especially on the roof because all the sun's on the roof these air con units rob well you can get one that's on put on the wall but then you've got to have little pipes running down the side of the house. I don't know if you'd have space for that because you're terrorists. What am I going to do, Rob? Fan? Have you ever tried to sleep in a hot room with a fan? It is the shittiest thing.

There's no point at which you go, oh, that's better. You know what I used to love? Going on holiday in Spain and then have a fan on and then just lay on a really thin sheet and then you just whip your naked leg out and the fan fan goes up your ass do you ever do that no stiff that's why mate I don't think that's the line for a stiff neck yeah maybe I just I'd love that and then and then it'll go under the sheet I think the fans are right get a nice get a Dyson fan they're good

they're expensive spenny though that's the problem they're expensive i can't live in a two dyson fan household rob i think everyone's gonna need aircon soon if climate change keeps going the way it is well my house is unacceptably hot during the summer so you're gonna buy you're gonna have a three aircon unit house well and then there's's mum. If she's staying to help out. Oh, she don't need one. She'll just be up for a night. Fuck her. I can't demand that.

Where's my air con unit? Open a window, you lunatic. I've got another problem with air con, actually, Robert. It's just cropped up. Sore eyes. Do you get sore eyes? I don't get sore eyes. You want Rob Beckett guardian eye from the fan?

Much worse. What? eyes i don't guess you want rob beckett guardian eye from the from the fan much worse what the uh the aircon unit that's in my daughter's old bedroom that's in the new nursery yeah it's like cludo this i'm so confused about your ass you know the big tube that goes from the aircon unit that you stick out the window um no but i've had a tumble dryer so i think i'm on the right page is that right similar like, like that? Yeah. I think the builder threw it away, Rob. Oh, my God. That is a stressful purchase, isn't it?

Why did you buy a bit of air con tube? Why did you buy a bit of air con tube? Also, for people that are more, like, hands-on and, you know, builder-y will know exactly where to go. But the weird thing about your life, Josh, is you can get Michael Sheen on the phone to do his podcast easier than a bit of aircon tubing yeah totally you've got no idea what are you gonna do i wouldn't even know where to start with buying a bit of aircon tube wicks i'd go wick i'd go b and q and walk around lost do they all fit all of the tubes or is there going to be what if they're not going to fit the tube are they it's like the apple and the headphones in it oh it's a different little thing usb is not a thing anymore is it usc in it my poor dad's just

putting new plug sockets with usbs on it and i didn't have the art to tell him it's all going usbc oh no oh no bless him um but yeah i had no idea where you get that. I'm sure I'd go B&Q for that or Amazon. What are you going to write? Aircon tube into Amazon? Yeah, I'm going to do that right now. Do that right now. Tell me how it goes. Also, do you think Amazon could have had, you know,

a bit of a change up on their website? It's been the same for about 20 years, isn't it? Aircon tube, $16.99. Oh, yeah, but there are definitely different attachments. Oh, no. Oh, no. Here we go. Aircon, O's pipe.99. Oh, yeah, but there are definitely different attachments. Oh, no. Oh, no. Here we go. Aircon, O's pipe.

It's an O's pipe PVC. You get a bit of masking tape with it. That don't look like the... Oh, God. £17.50. I found the tube you're after, but it looks so massive, mate. It looks like one that the kid could climb through. Can you cut up a bit of aircon tube?

What's it made out of? You know it's going to fray if you cut it. You can't cut it. You're better off hoping someone in China has a factory making a million of them, and then you can buy it for 15 quid. That's your only hope. You know what, Rob? I know this is a big decision.

I think it's probably easier if I just move. The problem is, Josh, there are, I'd say, a thousand different tubes you could buy. And there is no way you'll know which one you're gonna get seven delivered and it'll be about 100 quid because you know who sends back the aircon tube for eight quid just put it in the dump pile don't you oh what a life or have i changed have i got flash all of a sudden i tell you what we can do this is a new this is a new feature yeah we'll do more email we'll just do emails on Friday because we've spoken loads um this is this is our new feature Josh where we a lot of people have started new businesses in lockdown or like

before my brother who's a barber now who's allowed to finish his course on the 12th of April so it's been the world's longest call so good luck to the broccoli barber but people are starting companies or people have got small businesses. And I think it's fair that we give everyone a shout out because we do advertising sort of for big companies, don't we, on here? But this is going to be sort of a little freebie advertising section for different people doing different products. And our first one. So if you've got a small business you want to promote and you've just started up and small independent business, we'll happily promote it. a small business you want to promote and you've just started it up and small independent business, we'll happily promote it.

If you have got a small business you want us to shout out, please email us hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk. But please, please, please, and I can't stress this enough, we get so much correspondence, please, in the subject, put small business shout out so we know it's for that and it's not emails about, you know, ivory towers or kids doing shits on planes. This week, the first one josh is called stand for socks and it's a company and their website is www.standforsocks.com and they've

got loads of different for the number or for the word for the number um and basically um i've got a little message here from chloe um to rob we're so excited for you to try our ethically made socks that give back to the homeless community. So far, we have donated over 100,000 pairs of fresh antibacterial socks. We're a small independent business based in Manchester that is trying to change the world one sock at a time. And you can buy socks. And for every pair of socks you buy, they donate a clean pair of socks to homeless people. So yeah, go to standforsocks.com. And I've got a lovely pair ones that have got a tiger on it which my kids love and the other one has got uh 2020 one star would not

recommend so if you want banter on your legs if you want some topical banter on your legs and then it's too late yeah exactly um yeah so stand for socks.com um so it's i think it's just nice to be able to uh promote some other people josh i think that's fair yeah i think that i think genuinely um i know obviously it's been a mad tough time for so many people over the last year i hope that we're coming to the end of it but um you know what if you've waded through the 45 minutes of us grumbling about our lives i feel like we owe you this exactly know what? If you've waded through the 45 minutes of us grumbling about our lives, I feel like we owe you this. Exactly.

And yeah, especially if you've started something new and you may have lost your job this year and you're trying a new project or a new company, let us know and we'll give you a big up. That's a nice way to end the podcast, I think. I think it's a lovely way to end the podcast. And also, Josh, as well as the shout outs, I think on a Tuesday,

we should end the podcast with a nice message. Yes. Something positive. Is this an apology from Rick for making up stories? This is, no, you need to deal with that independently with Rick and then thrash it out. I'll be honest with you, Rob. I didn't think he'd last as long at the company as he has. Anyway, here we go.

This is a nice message to end the podcast on an upbeat note. I would appreciate if you kept me anonymous. Hi, Rob and Josh. Massive thank you for the podcast. My partner and I are both junior doctors getting married in two weeks and with a baby on the way in September. We also got caught up in doing a self-build. What's a self-build?

I presume it's building your own house, right? Oh, a self-build. Okay, well, a self-build.'s a self-build i presume it's building your own house right oh a self-build okay well a self but that must that's stressful getting married tip get some fucking air con in there at least at least a pipe in come on self-build some piping yeah so that is stressful they've got a baby on the way junior doctors and uh getting married jesus anyway i've just listened to the podcast with nadia hussein in my car and had pull over. I just begun weeping without going into great detail. I've been struggling with my mental health and was hitting breaking point. It was a tough listen.

I'd kept it pent up and really didn't want to worry my fiance, thinking she didn't need any more on her plate. I built myself up and spoke with her and since I've spoken to my own GP, I'm still struggling and suspect I will be for the foreseeable future. But I feel that just talking about it was progression. If you can pass on a thank you to Nadia, that would be massively appreciated. And thank you both for bringing us a brilliant podcast. It really has meant a lot. Best wishes. Oh, that's nice. That's great. And it just shows this guy is getting married. He's got a baby on the way. They're building their own house. They're junior doctors. It feels like the perfect sort of life. And it shows that anyone can can be struggling and the best way about it is to talk and admit that you're struggling and go and get

help so well done to you anonymous and good luck with the house and feeling better i think it's a great reflection on the power of someone like nadia talking about what she's been through massively so well done nadia oh my god this woman's incredible she's saving lives one flapjack at a time and just to think it's all because of her husband's thighs anyway

that's been the podcast thank you for listening we're back on Friday and I'll see you then cheers bye bye