Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP19: Tom Parry

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S02 EP19: Tom ParryJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is the brilliant comedian, actor, writer, and director, Tom Parry. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Rob. Beckett. And Josh. Whittacombe.

There you go. That is Stanley. Stanley. His parents, you may remember remember rob friends of the show uh were the parents who failed to clean their munchkin 360. oh yeah any new listeners check that munchkin out check your munchkin out you can clean them uh stanley's now one and a half and rob you'll be distraught to know that that is a video and he's wearing a Barcelona kit, unlike your children. Oh, I'm jealous.

So jealous. There's two kits upstairs. Oh, two unused kits. I carried them around on a pub crawl. Did you? Yeah, because I got them on the pub crawls. I thought I won't go back past that shop. You know, like when you're pissed and you have to remember something

and you really cradle it because you know that you will just forget it. I reckon I've lost every umbrella i've ever taken out oh an umbrella is a complete write-off give it up it's just not possible just launch it as soon as it stops raining pick it up and launch it into the road yeah not a hope what's your week been like josh yeah fine fine um enjoyed filling in my census oh look lou did that for me i didn't even do mine god knows what she put uh yeah well it was interesting rob because it asked me to describe my job and i wrote the word podcasting at one point and i thought below in a hundred years they'll be looking at that going what the hell was that well do you know what's funny i i was tempted just to completely

align the census so that when they do like who do you think you are in a hundred years time and if someone i'm related to becomes famous so we're like this wacky chap lived on his own in and he did that and just but i didn't looted it because she's sensible um i've got big news from nursery rob oh yeah go on can we get some sexy music underneath please oh you can't have sexy music for the nursery, mate. You can, because it's news about Saran. Oh, thank God. Saran, the absolutely hot nursery worker.

Yeah, the hot French guy. Do you think he could get any hotter? Well, dear parents, this was the email I received on Wednesday. I'm writing to let you know that very sadly, our lovely Saran is going to be spreading his wings and flying the nest soon.

Saran this is unbelievable has been headhunted by an independent skate school and offered a position as a freelance skateboarding teacher

working with young children in Hackney. Oh my god. I mean that's a dream job for Saran isn't it? Isn't it? So he's a skateboarding teacher. He's been headhunted.

He's now a skateboarding teacher to children in Hackney. He's the dream man, Rob. What is the demand for a skateboarding teacher in Hackney? Well, enough for that he's quit this job. Wow, good luck to him. Good luck, Sir En. He'll be the next Tony Hawk. I watched a documentary on Tony Hawk on Saturday night.

Yeah, everything okay? You alright? What happened to the blur one? Where out the tape? No, we wanted to watch the documentary. Wait, you watched it? Yeah, she used to work in a skate shop when she was younger, so she had a vested interest. Did you like

Jackass? Did you watch Jackass together? Yeah. I love Jackass. She used to go out with Steve-O, actually. No, Joe did. Stacey Sullivan. What? Stacey Sullivan met Steve-O on the jump,

and they dated for about a year. And then she got off with Joe Swash. What a double. Wow. Wow. Steve-O is going to make absolute mincemeat of her cupboards. All her sorted cupboards. Steve-O's not going to stand there.

Can you imagine Steve-O seeing a bag of crisps on a peg. He'd call them potato chips anyway, but he wouldn't suffer that. I once watched one where he was in a buggy going across a bumpy desert or field or whatever, having a tattoo. That's not the kind of guy that's going to respect a jar with spaghetti written on it.

He'll put penne in there. He'll put penne in there. He'll put penne in there. I watched a documentary on Tony Hawk. Anyway, I had nothing on it, Rob. It just came out. You said Tony Hawk. I thought, well, that's a coincidence. Yeah, I used to play the computer game.

He kept using the word rad, and he's in his 50s. I thought that was unacceptable. Yeah, I mean, I think he might be Nanute in Westwood. I've got one story from this week, which is quite sweet and sad at the same time my daughter keeps coming back from school they get lunch at school but they have a snack box thing and we put in it like an innocent smoothie and like a little pack of like biscuity things aren't proper biscuits but like healthy biscuits anyway she keeps coming back and she's not eating them and then like a

yogurt as well it's like you're not hungry don't you want it and then she came back about four days in a row not eating it we didn't think anything of it and on the fourth day hungry, don't you want it? And then she came back about four days in a row not eating it. We didn't think anything of it. And then on the fourth day, I said, don't you like eating that? You're not hungry at break time. She went, I am, but I just can't open it. And she's not been able to open the food. And she's not allowed to ask her friends to help because of COVID or the teachers.

Oh, my God. Oh, that is heartbreaking. I know. Oh, bless her. But yeah, so I'm sure she'll be fine. It'll be one of those things where the kid goes, oh yeah, I can open it, and doesn't think about it ever again.

But as a parent, you're like weeping inside and start thinking about, how can I break in so I can put that straw in a smoothie? Oh, that's heartbreaking, Rob. I know, bless her. Do you want some emails? Yeah, but... How to help Josh with his naming dilemma.

Firstly, excellent job with the podcast. I count down the days for each new show. And as a new dad of a seven-month-old twins, it's keeping me just about sane. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, mate. Also, you know, every episode, the kids will be a week older. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? So it's like you're just getting through it. Yeah. But I don't think you should get through it. I looked at a photo of my daughter when she was about four months old. I literally had no recollection of that day whatsoever. I look like I've been kidnapped. It's like, it's PTSD.

With a kid on the horizon, Rob, I keep thinking back to like, so what was it? And I have no memory of that first period. I remember the colic. I remember the screaming and listening to Mellow Magic, the late night magic radio station, while trying to get her to stop screaming, which might have been the problem in the first place.

The problem is you won't have this podcast to listen to. I won't have this podcast to listen to. Because other people can listen to this rather than magic. I am. And hear about it all going wrong for other people. But you're just constantly going wrong for you, and you talk about it going wrong, and you never the payoff josh in a way rob i'm quite excited about what this podcast is going to be like over the summer i cannot fucking wait you know like when a band's

released one good album and then you hear that the second album is actually better that's oh yeah that's the summer we're heading into we've released our this podcast has done it's one good year but i i get the feeling touch wood that it is about to enter absolute carnage for me which will be entertaining and i am praying for the hottest summer on record coupled with replacement parts for air conditioning units to be stuck in a customs nightmare at Calais. I've decided I'm going to record lots of voice notes as it's going on, because I'm not sure I'm going to remember it all. So each Tuesday and Friday,

I'll just play some voice notes to try and rebuild my week in front of you. Yes. And then we can work through it and see how we can help. So what's the name situation? This is Guy with twins. The reason I'm writing is to help josh with naming his new baby myself and my wife had the same arguments before the arrival of mine we haven't had any arguments thank you very much my wife discovered an app called kinder which is basically tinder for baby names well that's spelt like the egg yeah spelt like the egg? Yeah, spelt like the egg. Okay. We downloaded it each and linked our profiles. It creates a list of names from all of your MASH likes.

Oh, that's good. That's nice, isn't it? Yeah. And then it's not a discussion. It's just totally separate thinking. Because what I worry about the modern world, Rob, is that there's too much chatting and not enough time spent on phones. So it's great to take this beautiful moment away from personal chat.

Yeah, forget talking together, just communicate online. Yeah, and then why don't we bring the... If there's an app which we could bring the baby up with, that would be ideal as well. Yeah, if there's an app that could take my wife to dinner, that'd be great. But let's clarify, it isn't Tinder for kids. It's not Tinder for kids.

It's Tinder for kids' names. I just want to make clear that you're not expected to, you know, slide into the DMs of children to hook up for a walk. That is not what we're going for. We just want to get their names nailed down, isn't it, Josh? Yes, that is 100%. Just make that very clear. Yeah.

Okay. Hi, Josh and Rob. Love the podcast. I thought I'd let you know we picked our baby names. During lockdown one, we found out we're expecting babies. Yes, babies. Twins. Identical. Oh, Josh and Rob. Love the podcast. I thought I'd let you know we picked our baby names. During lockdown one, we found out we're expecting babies. Yes, babies. Twins. Identical.

Oh, my God. We often struggle to agree on names. Almost all of mine got thrown out early doors using the veto rule. Milo and Casper. As did his girls' suggestions. Chelsea after his football team. No way. No, no, no.

Not at all. No, thank you. Milo and Kasper sounds a bit like, you know, when the World Cup or the Olympics has mascots and they're like weird little cartoon characters? Milo and Kasper. It sounds like they're one's a running spike and one's the track.

And then he lays down and Milo runs over Kasper. My husband is so certain that the babies are going to be boys that he doubles down. I get to choose the girls' names. He gets to choose the boys' names. Wow, that is a high-risk game. I don't think you... I think you've got to have something you're both happy with. I don't think you can

be gambling. Scan day comes. I ask the scan technician to write down the genders because lockdown means I'm alone. We open the envelope at home. It's two girls. Obviously, my husband then wanted to open a second round of negotiations. Of course he did.

Article 50's drop, mate. Gutted. Theresa May crying, handing in her resignation. We fucked it. I had already ordered personalised hats with their names on, just in case they were girls. Oh, so what did they go for? Very nice names.

Poppy and Violet were the names. Poppy and Violet's much nicer. Milo and Casper sound like a pair of annoying YouTuber twats. Hey, Milo and Casper here. So I've got this great new drone, and let's see how far we can fly it before it crashes into the sea. Shut up, Milo and Casper here. So I've got this great new drone and let's see how far we can fly it before it crashes into the sea. Shut up, Milo. I've got a question here as well.

When we picked our names, we picked them before the child was born. Are you doing that or are you going to wait to see the baby, Josh? We are going to do that, although that doesn't imply that we've moved any closer to it in recent weeks.

I want to know, has anyone decided the baby's name once the baby's been born and then regretted it? Because at that moment, the woman's obviously exhausted and isn't thinking right. She's flooded with pain and hormones

and sometimes gas and air or epidurals and, you know, that is not a great, like if you're making a decision on something, if you took away the fact a child is being born and you know that that is not great like if you're making a decision on something if you took away the fact a child is being born and you felt like you did after giving birth and someone said what do you want for dinner tonight you go oh leave it out i can't think now but for some reason you pick the most important decision of your life in that moment so people

must have regretted the names they gave their kid and then did they keep it with regret or did they change the name like a week later after deciding when the baby was born because you're not thinking straight surely josh no i agree i think um i i want to get it done rob yeah i'm a doer you're an efficiency guy get it ticked off yeah because the baby doesn't look like a thing when they when they're born it doesn't matter like i want know, I'd love to get emails in. Longest you know people who've gone without the name. I know people that have gone two weeks. Two weeks?

That's a long old time. Yeah, I just want to get on with it then. No, just name it. Let's go. Let's keep this moving. Josh, it's time for our guest. It's the one and only Tom Parody. We recorded this one a while ago while ago yes but we had some

technical problems with my record which we finally fixed yes so this which is it's been like gutting because it's genuinely been it was one of the best interviews we've ever done absolutely brilliant i'd say it's one i'd say it's my favorite because it's a real moment in time interview where tom's child's very very young and this is tom parry and he's a he's brilliant and so energetic and funny anyway tom but also they are so deep in the early stages of a new first child where they're doing mad things through the night and you'll hear his schedule in a minute but i loved it because it really and he thinks his life's normal but it will look back and realize how insane his schedule is. But it is so refreshing hearing someone think what they're doing is fine.

We've got a lot of people that I want to rebook to see how it's getting on. Yes. And Tom would be right at the top of this. I wonder whether when we, when do we turn a year old? Maybe we should do a few anniversary recaps. Yes, because I think we need to speak to Daisy May Cooper again because she has two children now, which would be great,

especially for you with your second on the way. Oh, yeah. And I think we need to speak to Alice and Izzy. Yeah. If there's anyone else you think we should check in on, let us know. But this is a great, this Tom Perry episode, and we've got some other great ones in the can. So, yeah, we've got some excellent ones coming up.

But, yeah, this is a cracker. And, yeah, it's one of my faves hello tom parry hey dudes how you doing good how are you oh well am i the new am i the newest parent you've had on i'm six weeks into being a parent oh yes you are yeah so here i am yeah so i haven't i've got to admit i haven't listened to the podcast because i've i have just been come a parent so it didn't apply to me podcast because I have just become a parent. So it didn't apply to me until now. So, yeah, I've just come off my – I'm on a night shift at the moment. So I've got a six-week-old daughter.

I had her until five. And then I woke up about half an hour ago. So this feels like – it feels like it's 8 o'clock in the morning for me. Right. Right now. So what are you doing in the early hours of the morning for those night films i did the tom hanks da vinci code trilogy absolutely scraping the bow the first i don't know i don't know if you guys are the same but like when when when my daughter's called gloria when she first came along i was like i'm gonna watch all the best films with you i'm gonna talk you through all the best films it's gonna be

like rediscovering cinema so i sat for the first week watching my favorite films but by now i've just run out of films to show her so it's just any old shit we'll stick any old shit so what's gloria doing when you're watching these films she wakes up but she like she sleeps really well on someone at the moment and it's like and it's like we can put her in this we've got this laurie are doing when you're watching these films she wakes up but she like she sleeps really well on someone at the moment and it's like and it's like we can put her in this we've got this beside me cot and we can put her in that but we get less like jane gets less sleep because she's she knows she's up and down so instead like i get a bit i get three hours kip in the evening and then i kind of get into this like night shift and then like every three

or four hours i take her up for a feed and come back down yeah but i am absolutely loving it i feel like a student again because it's like i'm just i'm staying up all night you can eat whatever you like and watched it's like four o'clock in the morning and you're like i'm gonna bang on a kevin costner film you just think i haven done this. I haven't done this since university. Oh, absolutely loving it. Right, let's be clear. What hours are you keeping? I want to know your shift pattern.

Like about half 10, 11 till five. That's kind of the shift on. So I get three hours before that. I go to bed at about seven, get as much sleep as I can in the evening. Then I get up at about 10, then I'm on the night shift. I try and get through till five.

How are you so happy? You're living a terrible life. I'm so sleep deprived. I feel like I'm on drugs. I feel like it's the final day of Glastonbury. It's just like every day, it's got like this gentle hum to it where I feel like I'm like slightly buzzing off my face because I just haven't had any sleep. It's amazing.

And then the other thing I do is I watch BT Sports. I really want to work on a show that's like New Dad Sport Report because I end up watching. The other day I cried at an Australian rules football game I didn't know who was playing I didn't know who was playing

but it was just like I don't know the rules of the game it was like there was like a last minute win and it was just like oh wow

the magic of sport glow Gloria this is what live sport's all about but it's just like I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on

it's amazing when she sleeps she's just fast asleep I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on. It's amazing. When she sleeps, she's just fast asleep, and I just talk to her. I don't know if you remember the early days, because how old are yours now? Five and three. She's three. You're through this bit, aren't you?

Tom, this isn't a normal thing that all parents go through. We're not all sat up watching fast and furious till 5am yeah there's a critical phase where i've got one of those donut pillows well jane has it's one of jane's donut pillows there's been several occasions now where gloria because like i i've got like um i've put on a lot i mean i'm always a bit overweight but i've put on a lot. I mean, I'm always a bit overweight, but I've put on a lot of weight in lockdown, right? How about? I haven't weighed it, but... I'll tell you what. I'll tell you this how much, right?

I had to do a day's filming the other day, and it was supposed to be filming in February. And I'd given my costume measurements. And I went in and they said, so you said you were 36 waist? And I said, yeah, but I think I'm probably 38 now. So they gave me 38 and I didn't fit 38. I've been proper daddy.

So I've put on weight and now glory out. There's nothing worse than when your baby daughter stirs on you and like, I've got enough breasts for her to think that there's milk in there. So the other night she properly started trying to have a go at my nipple because she figured there might be some milk in there. Was there any milk in there? Did she strike gold?

Well, skin on skin is very important. Josh, they preach that. They preach it. I don't know if it was, I don't know if it was that back in your day, but skin on skin is essential for bonding,

not just for the mother, but also for the father. That's what they say. Yeah. There's got to be a cut-off date. There's got to be a cut-off date, though, isn't there?

I don't know when. I'm not going to pick her up from school, topless. I'll drive you home, because you're waiting to do your driving lesson he's at the house when she graduates when she graduates

I'll have the old top around the head exactly you need it just to get your head in the game for A levels you know it's good for your development piggybacking it to school

skin on skin yeah but yeah so like I'm holding her I hold her in like a cradle type setup but then there's a critical stage where i get i let go of her and put her onto the donut pillow that's around me so i can have both hands free yeah and that's like that's like the pivotal because if she doesn't wait when i do that then i know i'm in for a good three hours a good three hours. A good three hours just to yourself at night, on your own in a way. I'm starting to get slightly jealous of your routine.

Oh, I've got like a routine. That's the thing you crave. As long as you've got some kind of system, then you can kind of get through. You know, it doesn't feel like chaos. So like I have two flasks. I have one from my right hand and a flask for my left. Just in case.

You sound like one of them 50 Stone men. They don't move. They've got that. Let's just sit around them. Yeah, that's how I feel. I have a flask for the left hand, flask for the right. It depends on what side I've got. So what's in the flask?

That's water. And then I've got a thermos pint mug of coffee. Thermos pint mug of coffee. That stays warm for a good hour and a half. That's in front of me. Two satsumas and a biscuit. Two satsumas and a biscuit. And that's me then, set up.

Carrot, pint of milk. I can get till five o'clock on that and then but like it's only when i know she's entered into deep sleep like when both of her hands have come up by the side of her head when like when she gets into deep sleep both her arms come up like she's celebrating and like that's when you know she's deep sleep and that's when i can go for the crinkly wrapper yeah okay you could be a bit more adventurous yeah because i've done that a bit too early back in the day. No, that's no good. Too early for the crinkly wrapper.

There was a stage where when mine was so small that I could cradle her in my arm still and play FIFA. I could get the controller in my hand while still holding her. And that was a great moment. But then when she got a bit too big for that, it was terrible.

But that was a great couple of weeks. And you have to temper your celebrations i bet yeah i just done the vibration off the controller just like you know you start getting shot at and your arms go so you go to bed at 7 p.m and then what happens at 10 p.m jane comes up jane comes and gets me because sometimes she'll like either she'll go a bit later she'll be able to get to half 10 or sometimes like but she can get to me so there's this point where you're both up together and she's passing the baton like a kind of baby relay race

yeah that's the transition period yeah so Jane sits with Gloria and then I get myself set up the flasks go in first the satsumas then while the coffee's on the go then I finish the coffee

come in sometimes I'll have a hot meal then so like I'll either have a pizza Express pizza, which is half price at the moment, which is absolute jackpot for me. Pizza Express pizza is half price at this stage in my baby's life is absolute

jackpot. That's an easy thing to eat quick as well. Yeah, and I've got cockies. I started putting a fried egg on the Florentina. They've done a Florentina, right? Again, perfect timing. So sometimes I'll fry an egg and bang it on top of the florentina treat myself that's nice and what you're watching the film's on is it headphones or are you having it loud in the room so depending on the film i'll use subtitles because uh if it's so you're watching in silence

if it's got a bit of action no no, no, just like small amount of volume. But like, for example, The Da Vinci Code, there's a lot of exposition. I needed subtitles. But like, it depends. Like I'm picking my films kind of to do with like, if there's too many gunshots and stuff, then I won't watch it. Yeah.

So like, you know, I've been doing quite a bit of like, some sports films are good. And I like, you know, you think about like, I've been choosing, I think there's a reason I've been watching Tom Hanks films and Kevin Costner films. It's kind of like, their, I've been choosing, I think there's a reason I've been watching Tom Hanks films and Kevin Costner films. It's kind of like their voices are kind of quite, I think they're quite healthy voices for GLOW to be hearing

at this stage in their development. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, we were at this stage early on where, like, she just wouldn't go to sleep without being near one of us like this. So we was doing shifts. And I remember once, when we had our first, I was recording Taskmaster

and I was on a tour that I was driving myself to and from. So I remember once I drove to Cardiff, did a show, drove back from Cardiff, got home at one in the morning and as I walked through the door, Lou just gave me the baby

and went, I'm going to sleep. I'll take her back at 6am. I was just holding this baby. I just thought, this is going to sleep. I'll take her back at 6am. I was just holding this baby. I just thought, this is going to be bad. Absolutely brutal. Yeah, I know. And I was just like,

I'd had her all day and I was like, I've just driven to and back from Cardiff and I've got to get up in the morning and try and get to a microwave without walking because Alex Thorne thinks it'll be funny. It was that PTSD where I just can't even remember that period of my life.

Yeah. It's a blur, isn't it? I mean, I think the key to why I'm enjoying it so much is like, I know lockdown has been tough for a lot of people, but it's been absolute perfect time to have a baby. Like we didn't plan getting pregnant. It was like a surprise. I'm not going't plan getting pregnant it was like uh a surprise

it was a surprise i'm not gonna use the word accident it was a surprise you've already known a nine months haven't you yeah yeah so so like we you know and so we found out at the end of january that we were pregnant and then obviously lockdown and all everything went mental and um and it was a perfect time for jane to be pregnant because she was like furloughed and not having to leave the house and then and then lockdown lifted a little bit when she was in her third trimester and then baby came along and we got into second lockdown and it's pretty amazing because i don't have to i literally you know we can't go anywhere so we would have been in this lockdown stage anyway and crucially i tell you one of the one of the big things is people can't come around and visit us which from like

every a few of my friends who've had babies before have said, like, that's the real ball ache is when you've barely slept and people turn up and they're like, let's see the babies. You've got to make them tea and all that. Yeah, but we're like on lockdown, so you just kind of go, oh, it's fine. Drop stuff at the front door and fuck off. I want dinners, I want movies, I want presents and a kid, but I don't want you.

Get out of my house. You can't say that, can you? You've got these people coming around and they've had a full night's sleep and we're meant to stay up, we're meant to make them tea. It's unbelievable. Absolutely, that's right. But, yeah, that's it. Like the naps, if anyone messes with your nap, then it's kind of critical.

So it's like that. Yeah, so it's been sweet being on lockdown, really. So what work are you doing? Are you managing to do much work in a day tom or is it just odd bits yeah i mean and here and there well yeah because i so like obviously i get to bed at four i'll do yeah i'll do three hours then i'll get to bed five o'clock and sleep till nine like you know or half eight do you fall asleep okay oh yeah absolutely mate like a light piece of this and i'm next to the changing table as well so like so the setup in our bedroom is like beside me cut on jane's side and changing

table on my side because like that was like we were kind of planning out and we were like i'll probably be doing the nappy changing and you'll be doing the feeding so let's have the beside me cut on your side of the nappy on my side but like the problem with that now is i get to bed at five and i get into bed and then jane's got glow and she's a bit more stirry at that time in the morning. And so I have a lot of changing action going on next to me when I'm having my sleep. That's the only bit where it's a bit tough.

That's the drawback. That's a lot of stuff in one room. Yeah. But like, like we moved, we're, we're, we're not in our own house at the moment.

We basically. Where are you? What's the setup? We moved in with my mother-in-law in February to get through lockdown in this year. So I'm in Exit Time in my mother-in-law's house. How are you so happy? How's it been, all right?

Like, you know, cut the shit. Talk to me. It's been – I'm just trying to think who's going to listen to this. It's been intense, but it's been all right. That's cut the shit talk to me it's been i'm just trying to think who's going to listen to this it's been intense but it's been all right that's what i'd say and that's fair though because even if you've got the best relationship ever is that a difference in of opinions and like it's like anything isn't it everyone's got the same goal of like keep the baby happy and healthy and sleeping and stuff but you everyone does stuff in different ways, don't they? Exactly. And it's frustrating. Have you tried? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you think? Yeah. At the moment, I'm going to bed at seven for three hours and I'll stay up till five and then go to bed again. So do you think I might have thought this may not be the ideal scenario? Do you think I'm doing this because it's the second best option? Mummy! But it must be good, though, having that support network

there for you and Jane, right? Yeah. Because Rose's mum helped up with our daughter, and it makes a huge difference. You know, like, when they say that TV chefs don't really do their own cooking,

they've got, like, they've got, like, a home economist who does it all for them, really, for the cameras. That's how I feel, like, me and Jane are, like,

having, like, the kind of on-camera kind of parenting experience where we're spending all the time we're going but like thalma's just been she does all she's been cooking the meals she's been doing the laundry and it's like that i mean like fuck it the muslins the amount of muslins we've been getting through where we were expecting like everyone kept buying us muslins and we were kind of like we get it okay thanks yeah we've got quite a lot of muslins now and then people kept buying us muslins and like were kind of like, we get it. Okay, thanks. Yeah, we've got quite a lot of muslins now. And then people kept buying us muslins and like,

it was like, okay, yeah, muslins, but fuck me, you need those muslins. And like, no, I don't know how I've ever lived my life without muslins. Why do people just wait

until babies come along to use muslins? They're fucking amazing. Like you spill something, bag of muslin on there. You just like fucking dribble it. Want to wipe your hands, get a fucking muslin,

chuck it away. They're fucking incredible. I haven't had it all my life. It's like, it's like, but like there's a constant stream of muslin washing going on. So like, yeah,

Thelma's been, so it doesn't help, doesn't it? All that stuff. Then you could just focus on the baby and stuff. Yeah, exactly. But we are operating based.

So look, of course we didn't want to intrude on, on Thelma's house too much. Like, obviously, we've got our bedroom, and then there was, like, a downstairs room that Thelma wasn't using. So we've turned that into, like, our little den. So that's where I do, like, you know, my movie marathons. Oh, right.

So you go down to that room. So space is a bit of a preview. Like, we're operating out of two rooms, really. So what's the plan then, Parry? When are you going to move out? Oh, my God. You sound like my dad. The plan.

Bloody hell. I wasn't expecting this from you, Josh. Because you're buying a house. I mean, having a baby and buying a house in lockdown, that must be stressful. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we had the offer accepted uh two days before jane but jane went into labor yeah and we were trying to resist jane being induced jane wanted

as natural birth as possible and she i mean like it was a it was a mad time because they they kind of put this thing on you where they say monitor monitor the movements of the baby. And if they change, then tell us. And so like Jane said, oh, the movements have changed. They've softened, but there's still a lot of movements. And they were like, right, we're going to induce you now. And Jane was like, well, no, I'm not due yet. And I want to wait. And they were like, we're going to induce you.

And like everything we read said like, look, they're super keen to induce you. You don't have to do that if you don't want to. So Jane said to the doctor, I don't want to be induced. I'm going to wait. And they effectively said, well, on your head be it kind of thing. And we were, so obviously we were freaking out because Jane knew she was doing the right thing because she could tell the baby was healthy and she didn't want to induce.

But like the doctors were really put put it was weird amount of pressure so we had this week where jane had said no to an induction and i was supporting that decision but like it's a tough it's a tough to not support your decision when you live with her mom yeah yeah yeah exactly guys i don't want to discuss this stuff i don't show how sell. I've got a few ideas. Let's sit down and talk. It's your house. It's your body. But I want to talk, all right?

It's your house. It's your body. But it's my opinion, all right? So, like, Jane had a phone call from the hostel saying, from a midwife who said, look, we really think you should come in for this induction. Jane stood her ground and said no. And then put the phone down and burst into tears and was like,

literally like the emotion was like, what if I'm killing our baby by doing this? And then my phone went and I answered it. And the estate agent, it sounds like I'm exaggerating, Jane was on the bed in tears. My phone went, I answered it. My estate agent went, great news. I said, what?

The offer's been accepted on your house. And I was like, I mean, like, it's a lean, put it this way, it's a lean year anyway. So, like, trying to get this offer on this house is like by hook or by crook anyway. And on some mornings I'm like, am I going to be able to afford this? It's like, that's already a source of stress. He went, great news, you've got the house and i was just like oh okay oh god okay can i call you back two days later jay went to labor and then we had we had glow it's only about five days after that

and then someone emailed me saying we need some papers from you that i kind of realized we bought a house oh yeah we bought a fucking house didn't we oh god it feels like everyone bought a house in exeter during lockdown so an exeter can't cope it's just like the people next right oh my god we need at least three months to process all of this. It seems like that was the knee-jerk reaction of, like, 40% of London was like, I'm going to go and live in Exeter. I've never felt more like I'm having a breakdown. Like, literally. And this is from a guy who sits awake with two flasks

and two satsumas next to him. But, like, we got back. We went on honeymoon spent all our money in january we spent all our money on honeymoon and thinking that's great well don't worry i've got some work coming up and everything'll be fine so we got back to london absolutely broke but on the last day of honeymoon we found out we were pregnant i was like ah oh okay yeah that's okay but we haven't we have just spent all our money but that's okay and then the pandemic happened and we just moved flat so we'd moved into a new flat in crystal palace we'd been there two months and then the pandemic

happened and it all my live work just disappeared and jane's job went j they sucked her so jane just jane had just told them that she was pregnant and and then the pandemic happened and then they were like you're still on probation. And this has happened. So Jane lost her job. All my work disappeared. And we were pregnant. And it was just like, what do we do? We thought lockdown was coming.

It was like that time when no one really knew what lockdown was going to be. There was talk. Genuinely, Jane was getting texts from her lawyer friend saying, there's going to be tanks on the street. We were like, what the fuck? a lawyer friend saying there's going to be armed there's going to be tanks on the street so we went to visit we went to visit jane's mom in exeter for like one final kind of just to see it lockdown was about like a week away they said and we went to visit jane's mom for one final time and like on the drive back from exeter we got in the car and i said here's the thing right hypothetically there is a world where we could move to your mum's house for like this year.

And like, it started out as an idea. By the time we got out the car, we called our landlord and said like, we want to get out of the flat. And like, it just, it was like this kind of like immediate spur of the moment decision that I didn't really stop thinking about. Then within two days, I'd driven Jane back to Exeter because I didn't, again thinking about. Then within two days, I'd driven Jane back to Exeter.

Again, it was like this thing of her being newly pregnant in London when the pandemic was starting. And it was like, what is this? How date? And so I did feel like I was out. Because I'd driven to Exeter. I drove to Exeter and back like four times in five days, I think, or six days, something like that. And the final time, it was with a van.

And I'd just loaded all our stuff into the van and it was the day and it was the day they announced lockdown so i announced lockdown and i was leaving london and i've never felt more like well like i was in a fucking like disaster movie or something like so like it was mental and then i arrived and it was like we had this period of like are we going to fit in you know like that you know jane's mom it's not like she lives in a country estate it's so funny the amount of people from london where you go we've moved to exeter and they say um god must be so nice to be in the country so nice it's like jane's mom lives in a council estate in whipton it's like i don't correct people because like they for some reason you say to anyone in london oh we moved to exeter for lockdown they're like oh man that must be so great countryside the coast it's like i'm looking out the window thinking fucking hell it's not it's

not that mate it would have been mental trying to do it in London, the position we were in. So you just think, well, why not? Yeah, it's nice to have the help as well with the baby. Like you say, the first baby and in the middle of lockdown, you have that support network there for Jane. That's it. Yeah, well, that's it.

Because my family are all in Wolverhampton and then Jane's mum's in Exeter. So we would have been properly isolated already in South East London. Like we've got mates. So is Jane doing breastfeeding, did you say, Tom? Yeah. So what do you do when she's hungry on your shift and you take her up for a breastfeed? What do you do in that time?

Do you sit with her or do you get asleep? Do you eat? Is that a big moment in your shift? Yeah, it's quite critical really because you can't sleep because if if you doze off while the breastfeeding is going on then it's very hard to get back into the zone afterwards yeah do you know what i mean so like i want to preface this by saying this was before the queen's gambit came along which makes me it makes me sound like a real knob but at the start of lockdown in february i got really into online chess me and my old uni mate used to play online chess.

So we were like, let's get back into that. So I've been playing chess all year. So when I'm starting to feel really tired on the night shift, I go on chess.com and you can have these kind of like intense speed games with strangers. So sometimes I'll do that. So last night, I was playing this guy from Argentina and he's cropped up a few times.

I think me and him are online at the same time. That's because it's daytime there. He keeps beating me, that's probably why. So if I'm feeling like when I give Gloria to Jane and she's having the feed, I'll probably start a game of speed chess to kind of just keep me sharp until I get her back. So last night I was at this pivotal moment and my clock was really running down.

I was like into my final four minutes and Gloria woke up and I looked at her and I was like, oh, no, not now. Like, not now, mate. And, like, you know, like obviously she wakes up and then you have this kind of grace period of like three or four minutes where she's just looking around, and it's really nice. But it's once the tongue starts coming out, that's the sign that she needs food.

And it's like, once that happens, you're on a ticking clock. Because it's like, once the tongue comes out, if you don't get to the boob within, like, four minutes or so, then there's going to be screaming abdabs. So the tongue started coming out, and I was just like, oh, God. And I did it again. Like, the clock was ticking down on this chess game. the tongue started coming out and I was just like, Oh God. And I did again, like the clock was ticking down on this chess game. The tongue was coming out and she needed a nappy change.

It's just like, Oh my fucking God. Cause like that again, like that's the system is like you get her up, you change her, then you give it to Jane. We've been operating. Did you have like a red light?

We read somewhere NCT told us if you have a red light in the room then it feels like the womb so like she stays calm so we bought this red lamp what's her anyone look at the house where outside thinks it's a brothel yeah also so i think you should start looking at things that might make you feel calmer because at the the moment, this red aquarium you're in, playing chess. I feel like I'm in a David Fincher movie. Yeah. I think it's good to put your kid first, but you know,

self-care's important as well, Tom. That's good advice, Matt. That's good advice. I'm okay. I've got my flask and my satsuma. I've had a thermos point of coffee. You're like an evacuee. Sending out to the bathroom slide and get these...

Bed at seven. Get out. Yeah. I mean, that's it. I'm slightly... At the moment, it all feels like we've done exactly the right thing. But I think once... In fact, the vaccine...

When they announced the vaccine, I was like, oh, God. That's going to be the end of it. Because i'm quite nervous when things go back to normal and i'm in exeter i'm like oh god what have i done what i would say though is you're better off being in exeter with someone that can do the childcare so that you can go out and have days out with jade when we're allowed to than being in london with no one where you're so near to the so that you can go out and have days out with Jade when we're allowed to, than being in London with no one where you're so near to the fun, but you can't enjoy it.

But Exeter is a great place to go out. I love Exeter. Yeah, I mean, it feels amazing. And like, you know, when the week before, when we were waiting for the baby to come, like we'd get in the car, drive 20 minutes and we'd be on the beach. We'd walk along the beach pop back home

we'd go to dartmoor and stuff and it's like i just think i mean you think about a childhood and i just think we glow i just think every weekend it'll be like we can go to the beach we can go to yeah we can be like it's a it's an absolutely beautiful place so i am i must admit i'm really excited i never saw it coming like coming. I've been completely blindsided by this whole year. It would be a bit weird if you did see this year coming. Yeah. Yeah, well, obviously. He's just sunk all his money into Pfizer in the stock exchange.

He just bought a PPE company. What's PPE? Well, what we'll do is when we do a live tour of Lockdown Parenting Hell, we'll do a show in Exeter, and you can be our guest, Tom, and then you can take us out on the night out and show us your new land. Yeah, I'd love that. So since you're the newest parent we've spoken to, Parry, have you got any tips for anyone that's had a baby in lockdown?

Yeah, I mean, I think it's really interesting, isn't it, parent tips? Because ultimately, I don't want to sound like uh a blokey bloke here but like i i am really taking my lead off jane because if jane's happy gloria's happy and so it's really interesting because i'm crying aussie rules football you know you know you're doing you're fine aren't you it's like you know that's all that matters really. So it's interesting when your mates come through and say like, oh, have you tried this

or this or this? You kind of feed that back to Jane and be like, oh, have we tried like, what's the swaddling, for example?

Like Crosby's big on swaddling. Yeah, he bought me a swaddle before Gloria arrived and was like, ah, swaddling, mate,

swaddling's the way forward. And so I was like, oh, Jane, this is exciting. We can do some swaddling. And Jane was like, not sure about swaddling. And was like, ah, swaddling, mate. Swaddling's the way forward. So I was like, oh, Jane, this is exciting. We can do some swaddling. And Jane was like, not sure about swaddling. So I'm like, oh, so it kind of ends there, really. And then the other day, I talked to Crosby about my night routine and stuff, and he was like, have you tried that swaddling?

And I was like, yeah, yeah. I'm like, I'm swaddling again. But I don't want to get into a bonfire about swaddling. You know what I mean? I would say, though, you and Matt Crosby are very different people, so I imagine the children you breed will be very different too. That's it, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. I think parenting advice and relationship advice

are the two things that just don't really translate. You just like, you know, you can't, you can see them like, oh, well, I did this, and you're like, oh, well, that's good for you, mate. You can, you know, that's kind of like, so, well, I did this. And you're like, oh, well, that's good for you, mate. You can – that's kind of like – Yeah, good to know. Shut up. Yeah, that's it. Exactly.

Like, my brother's about to have a baby, and I'm trying to stop myself from giving too much. Because, like, you know, you do feel like – you do feel like you're in a position to give it. But, like, you don't – Yeah. When do you feel like that? When you're holding your both flasks um in the

red glow with your biscuits at the team we're on a friday got a pizza is that i think i'm absolutely nailing this to be fair though i think the key thing is if you're all enjoying it and the baby's happy and healthy then that you are nailing it and you sound a lot different to a lot of my friends that have got a six week old baby so i think you're doing it right so thanks for this now rob always likes to ask the same question at the end of each interview rob well yeah it was more to you know is there anything that jane does parenting wise that frustrates you and annoys you a little bit but because it's all a bit tense you can't really bring it up without there being a row but if you were to mention it on the show and she heard and then changed what she did because i'm sure she's got things that you do um then is there anything you want to get off your chest at the moment oh my god

this is a great idea for a feature this is and it has you know it's just a little thing that you just think oh i wish you didn't do that but you can't say or it'll kick off yeah so basically so jane jane loves dogs right and uh i'm you know i'm not i'm not really a dog person she loves dog she stops and talks to dogs in the street all the time and i i end up talking to the dog's owner because like she'll be down there talking to the dog me and the dog owner are just kind of like how old she was yeah i'm like literally that's why i go oh how long you had the dog and i go yeah however long and i go that's great no but, but when Jane is petting a female dog, she'll often use this voice and this intonation.

She'll say, good girl, good girl, like that. Good girl, good girl. And she uses that with Gloria sometimes. So when Gloria burps, she'll say, good girl, good girl. And in my head, I'm like, she's not a dog. You know, like the pressure cooker. Like I'll know when I've snapped, it'll be when I actually say those words, she's not a dog.

Because I've heard that phrase and that tone with so many dogs, like, good girl, good girl. And so, yeah, Gloria will latch on and start feeding, and Jenna will say, good girl, good girl. And that's it. Don't talk to our daughter like she's a dog. That's the voice. It's so funny.

Whenever we ask people that, were everyone goes oh god i don't know i can't think and then immediately you have one yeah yeah you mentioned it to her no but i think i do think i do think she's gonna listen to this though good girl good boy good girl good girl she just say good boy to you? Good boy. It's getting a bit too personal now, Rob. Sorry, Tom. Wait till you move out the mother-in-law's. We might have to get Jane on just to see the other side of this.

The interview could start with, yeah, I'm a bit worried about him. Is this an intervention thanks so much that was brilliant so fun cheers gents what a pleasure cheers mate thanks mate

bye thank you everyone for listening see you next time see you on Tuesday bye bye cheers bye