Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP2: "Bezos, who does your boxes?"

Episode Date: January 26, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S02 EP2: "Bezos, who does your boxes?"Series 2 proper starts now!! We're back every Tuesday and Friday until... well... probably forever because what else is there to do? Rob and Josh. xxWe're so proud and honoured to announce we have reached over 10 MILLION DOWNLOADS!!!!And to say thank you and help those in need after what has been a tough year for so many, we've started a Just Giving page for the Trussell Trust which you can find here;https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/lockdownparentingWe've kicked things off with a donation and if anybody is in a position to help this fantastic cause then please do. No pressure. But they do great work for a brilliant cause so if you can spare even a little please do. https://www.trusselltrust.orgThanks and see you soon.Josh, Rob (and producer Michael) xx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are... Well, how do we start, Josh? Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Yeah, that's it. Keep that in. We've got to keep that bit in.

I just had a brain freeze, John. We're recording this Sunday morning, it's absolutely freezing. Let me start again. Hello and... Oh, now what Let me start again. Hello. Oh. No, what? Hello. I'm welcome.

Hello. It's not a catchphrase. Just imagine you're welcoming people. It's not like, it's not scripted. Hello. Hello. You are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Can you say for me, Josh Widdicombe?

Josh Widdicombe. Can you say Rob Beckett? I don't know. I need the toilet.

Try again. I just need the toilet. No, I need the toilet. I need

it. Okay. There is a second attempt. Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh

Widdicombe. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. There we go. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. There we go. Lovely stuff. Who is that?

That is Etienne, who is four, and his mum is Daisy. Daisy. Daisy is a big fan of the podcast. Daisy, she produces one of our great rivals, Rob. No way. Who's she producing?

She produces the Ramses, mate. Oh, my God. I mean, I'd say rivals. I'd say this is like Michael Jordan and LeBron. I mean, that's a big shout out to the Ramses, though, because poor old Rosie had a C-section, and congratulations on their second baby. And Chris Ramsey broke his ankle

oh mate he's uh yeah so i hope they're feeling better soon if they listen to this i don't know if they do um but you know you know one person's pain is another person's gain they're just doing best of episodes where we're still plowing it out so hopefully we can catch up and take over when he's got a broken ankle fingers crossed well crossed. Well, I think you can still podcast with a broken ankle. You've got to strike while the ankle's broken. That's the same thing. Exactly. That's why I've got the producer recording messages.

Daisy. Yeah, yeah. Keep her busy. Get her out in the editing studio for the best bits. Exactly. Exactly. She also produces the Taskmaster podcast, which I won't. Can you shut up advertising Daisy's podcast?

Sorry. I was just going to say. She said she was she said she was a big fan of this podcast oh well yeah if she was that big a fan she wouldn't keep if she was a big enough what she quit her job no but she would produce it badly she'd still take her fee but the quality would dip and then we can take up the top spot yeah if daisy was a real fan then i think that's what she'd's putting a couple of things that she's got on the cutting room floor that would get chris or rosie cancelled that well i'm sure that she'll

have somewhere they're keys and gray moment yeah yeah exactly hopefully she could dig that out i mean if she's a real fan then that's that's the that's the real commitment level is you know yeah i think we're not going for the approach of we want to be the best because we're the best let's make everyone else worse so that we're you know exactly exactly my default there's too many podcasts around it needs culling um any podcast anyway let's stop talking about podcasts let's talk about parenting josh how's your week been um well i've got a question about uh podcasts and parenting rob yeah go on mate because it's interesting like with that situation when you're talking to someone who listens to the podcast yes and they know far more about you yeah yeah yeah

or they'll start the conversation halfway through and it'll be you know say something like oh bloody elephant trunk hey i'm like pardon because that like you know the way my three-year-old used to say for grey trunk and i'm like what and then they can't say the sweary word so yeah that that does happen is that happened to you this week? Well, there's a parent at nursery. Do you know what? I'm going to say she's definitely one of the best ones. I'm a big fan of her, right?

So she's called Lisa. She's a real laugh. But she listens to the podcast. In what way is she the best? Is she the best parent or best person there? You know when you're like, who do I want to get put next to in the queue waiting for pickup? Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Like if you worked at a job together, you'd probably go and get lunch together because you'd get on with her better. Yeah. She's listened to the podcast. Yeah. But a couple of times I've found myself telling her anecdotes and then halfway through thought, she fucking knows this. Oh, yeah. And she's heard the edited version. Oh, God. She knows that this is gear that i'm doing and also she'll

know how much you know weak stuff you put in normally and michael chops up to make you look like you're zinging them you're really exposing yourself in that queue josh yeah it's really bad anyway how are you yeah i've had a mental week josh it's been i'll go through some of the stuff normally you have little little notes of what should we do me first then because it's pretty mundane yeah tell us what happened let's do yours and then and then we'll just we'll just kind of peter out with me at the end of the podcast okay so uh first things first 5 a.mups, both kids all week. Fuck that. Just insane.

I don't know why it's happening. I don't think they're getting tired out enough during the day. And my kids have a lot of energy anyway. All kids do, obviously. But mine are like a dog. You know, like certain dogs. If you get a pug, your kid might be a pug kid, where it will just sit in the air.

Well, I was because I had asthma. So I was a bit like a pug. Yeah, you're a little pug. You're a a bit like yeah you're a little easy pug right where some other dogs like a sheep dog i'd put my kids in the sheep dog category that needs to be worked they need to be run out they can't just sit by the fire and sleep no um they've been a bit of a nightmare anyway and i had just had the most stressful i reckon on that wednesday i probably out of the whole year of the pandemic had my sort of lowest day where like the kids just wouldn't go to sleep in the night so basically i'd had hours sleep and then i got up and i had loads of stuff to do and i went for a walk and i was just like you know just like everything just feels like utter utter shit yeah and i realized it was just

tiredness so i got quite good with like trying to be calm and do things to distract or whatever but if you don't have sleep, it's just horrific. But then what I worked out to do was, Josh, is I mentioned it on Instagram. It's like, I don't think we did. I mentioned to you about each day is like a football match where you can't take the previous result with you into the next day. That's a good theory, actually. Yeah, I lost three nil today. So on Wednesday, I lost three.

I woke up at 5. I didn't even go to sleep to wake up. Basically, after midnight, I went 5-0 down. And then the rest of the day was trying to pull it back, and I didn't. And I think that way, if you do that, you could just move on to the next day. Or if you do get them to bed and you're 3-0 down, you can pull a couple back with a nice dinner or a glass of wine and stuff like that. But I just basically went mad. Current is 9.15 in the morning on a sunday when we record this do you know what

we're in fine fetal morale is up are you one nil up we're one up basically as well who got her vaccination this week oh very good that's quick really quick what does that mean though does that mean that she can do anything so not really basically what it means is she was everyone in category one to four, which is old people and clinically vulnerable and NHS, I think, are supposed to be getting it before the middle of Feb. And she had an appointment for eight for Feb, so slightly later because she was younger. But when we rung to book, we rung up again. I just I just said, if you have any cancellations, let us know. They had a cancellation. So they I spoke to him and we got in the next day. So what they're trying to do,

they don't want to throw away the injection once the vial's open. So that was a real, I mean, that's like, I'm 10 up. Whatever the kids do now, morale's pretty high. Did Lou get ill from it? She felt a bit rough last night because she went to bed a bit early and stuff. So hopefully she'll be all right. But what it means is she still needs another one

in three months. So still needs another one in in three months so she's got one in april and she's still got there's no impact from this vaccination until two or three weeks yeah but i think it'll be like we'd probably be able to send the kids to nursery potentially but i don't really know i need to look at all the information blimey so you've got no nursery no school and no sleep so what time do they go to bed? We were trying to say, let's send them to bed a bit later so they'll sleep in. But they were going to bed at half seven, eight and then just waking up at five anyway. Oh, mate.

So what time are you going to bed in that situation? Well, I got better last night, but all week, just from stress, I've been getting into bed and then just sort of logging into the internet for about four or five hours and kind of sleep at about two or three. So my God, yes, I've just been mental this week, but what saved it is the pom pom jar. Right.

Yeah. So basically you have a big jar of pom poms and two little jars. And you say to the girls, whenever they do something good, they get a pom pom and they do anything bad or naughty. You take a pom pom out and it's all like a reward chart. And then once the pom-pom jar's full, you get a treat. So we said we might let them pick a dress out

or they can have a takeaway or something like that, whatever it is they want to do. And then we, because the youngest was just getting out of bed, waking up all night and we're just saying, if you do that, you get your pom-pom jar, you get a pom-pom. And they've just absolutely gone mad for the pom-pom jar. And now they're basically getting up at about six ish but playing for an hour in their rooms rather than being all worked up so that the pom-pom jar has been pretty good and how many

pom-poms makes a jar well the thing about pom-pom is josh you can squash a pom-pom down you know what i mean You're not an idiot. It's not ping-pong balls. But you've got a sticker chart. A sticker's a sticker, isn't it, mate? When you've got a pom-pom, you know,

anyone, any Tommy Cooper fan knows, you can squash them anywhere you want. You can squash them right down in the bottom. I feel for you though, Rob. One hour's sleep.

How are you getting through? Coffee? Well, that day was horrific. So basically we got up and I was supposed to be doing work, but I just couldn't, I didn't have the energy. And it was just, you know, it was just falling apart. Everything was going wrong. So the electrics went as well.

What it worked out was one of the outside lights had gone off and then that tripped the whole thing. But then I realised it was the outside lights. So I kept to turn it on and off. But then the one on the outside was tripping the the outside again so i thought i'd sorted it and electricity come around and he went basically it was all kicking off and we would just go for a walk i'll do bathtub go for a walk and as i left the house i literally shut the front door and because i went out and the security light went on the whole every light the house went off

and i screamed fuck into the air. But then we worked it out. They're all fired now, so it's just one 40 bulb. So we turned that light off. It's disconnected. That's amazing. But as I walked out, I was just like, oh, my God. And literally, as the lights went off, I went, yep, conceded another.

That's another goal. literally as the lights went off I went yep conceded another that's another goal we were filming a last leg thing at Plymouth Argyle where Adam and Matt had to dress as Pilgrim Pete

and have you ever had to do anything at half time at a football match oh yeah mate that's my life you're rubbish

yeah yeah yeah and you have to like wait in the tunnel right so we're waiting in the tunnel and Plymouth were 4-0 up against Leyton Orient and as the goalkeeper the Leyton Orient goalkeeper you have to like wait in the tunnel, right? So we're waiting in the tunnel and Plymouth were four nil up against late and Orient.

And as the goalkeeper, the late and Orient goalkeeper was the nearest person to the, so he was the first to come off. And obviously he didn't expect us to be in the tunnel. So he just, the moment he got out of view of the fans, he just went, fuck.

And then we were just stood there. And I thought that's one of the most exhilarating things i've ever seen in my life we couldn't do that on the pitch on the pitch oh i hate that about football they can't really properly express themselves fuck oh i love it um we would we would like your emails then uh we weren't planning this but what point have you shouted the word fuck really, really loudly? What's sent you over the edge? Yeah, what's sent you over the edge? In my time of feeling really down, Josh,

I thought of things that made me happy again, which people I could share with if other people were stressed in the week. One thing I do is, which is a bit, oh no, this is a good one. The massage. You can get a massage off your kids, right? But if you lay on the floor of their bedroom yeah and they on your front or on the back on your front right and you get them i mean i reckon the limit the eldest is ours is five and she's sort of not a massive five i reckon the age of anything five and under will work yeah peak peak age i would say four right because they've got enough weight to make an impact, but not too heavy.

So you land your front and then you get your kids to walk on your legs and then over your bum and then on your back. And then you get to stand on the shoulders. It's going to work for my stiff neck, Rob. And then they jump off your shoulders onto the bed. And as they do that, they give you a massage and the older ones you can teach sort of step up and down. They just feel like they're dancing on you. But actually, they give you a massage. And the older ones, you can teach them to sort of step up and down. They just feel like they're dancing on you. But actually, it's like a massage. Yeah. No, I can see that.

But I do think my stiff neck, this could go either way for me. Let Rose, someone else try first. I'll have a go. I'll have a go. But I'll say nowhere above the kind of mid-back, please. Yeah. But if you want to take it to the next level. The head.

No. Plank while they do it. Bloody hell. You weren't planking while they did it, were you? Yeah, I was for about four seconds, right? Because it's good to plank, isn't it? It's good to plank. And you're planking.

It is so painful. If anyone don't know, plank's where you support your body with your hands or your arms. It's where you're pressed up but you haven't gone down, basically, isn't it? Yeah, exactly, yeah. So I planked. It was so funny, though, because as I was doing it, I was like, yeah, come on, with like your your hands or your arms but you haven't gone down basically isn't it yeah exactly yeah so basically so i've planned it was so funny though because i was doing it i was like yeah come

on i'll do that and then as i do that i'm like hurry up are you getting much exercise rob i'm not walking that's all i'm doing at the moment um i'm a bit too tired to do anything like running or anything i've got an exercise bike that we moved from like the upstairs office room where I record this because we weren't doing it. It wasn't with the kids into the front room. Still not used it. It's just downstairs now. Just staring at it.

Oh, you moved it so that it was more. In my face. In your face. I moved it to shame me and I've just accepted the shame. Oh, wow. To be fair fair last week was a horrific week we were so anxious and stressed and also the way you get these vaccinations bookings for what is such an important thing it feels so chilled like yeah coming at one I'm like okay and I was like yeah London Bridge like the vaccination centre I'm like what and then you drive up there and it's like a big marquee and it feels like something from the war so did you take your kids no so because of loose medical

condition we've got a respite bubble of course and so that's what helped as well that started yesterday because the youngest had been out of school two weeks or 10 days in order for that you know you have to do that so that the grandparents weren't at risk we had to make sure she hadn't she had isolated for 10 days so that she did that so we dropped off the grandparents so we drove up and did that and i waited outside in the cold for an hour and a half in what was not a warm enough jacket i dressed for the car let's be honest you you waited outside on your own in the cold for an hour and a half you you must've been fucking loving it. Mate, I had my phone. I was watching the football on my BT phone app in the freezing cold. And I also,

at one point I went to walk past Tower Bridge and I weren't breaking the law because I was allowed to be up there. Oh my God. What an absolute joy that must've been. I felt a bit like, you know, like films where like it's sort of, I have a California man or someone's been in the cave forever,

or someone's been transported over from another country and they get let loose in new york or london i was crocodile the other thing i've been doing josh as well to make things better and more exciting when I get fed up also there's nothing exciting happening I this this takes you Lou thinks I'm insane for this but I think it's quite good I try to think of really exciting moments for other people and try and daydream and channel it as if I was them so the other day I imagined that my job was making and selling cardboard and cardboard boxes and i was at a party and i got introduced to jeff bezos sorry can you start this again have you lost your fucking mind what's going on you sound like lou so basically what you do is you think of someone so is this all happening in

your own head yeah i'm just sort of laying there or you know when you're doing this in bed sometimes in bed sometimes on a walk wherever i am really wherever i need a little perky up right in my head right you shut your eyes you have to really like it's almost like lucid dreaming and awake Sometimes in bed, sometimes on a walk, wherever I am, really. Wherever I need a little perky up, right? In my head, right? You shut your eyes. You have to really like, it's almost like lucid dreaming awake. Just watch YouTube, mate. I've watched it all, Josh. There's nothing left.

I'm not watching it. I'm not starting from the beginning. The most insane thing I've ever seen on YouTube in my life. Yeah? What was it? It's a clip of the Late Late Breakfast show, which was like the Noel Edmonds thing before Noel's House Party. I would implore you, everyone at home, right,

go on YouTube, type in the words Noel Edmonds stunt crash. When you've got three minutes, 29 seconds away from your child, go on YouTube, type inel edmunds stunt crash and it is a live tv thing in which two members of the public are attempting to do that evil thing where you go over a load of cars yeah from a ramp and it is one of the most astonishing things i've ever seen in my life so i obviously Obviously, I'm not going to watch it now, but that is my tip to all parents is watch that video. Quite a weird end to the conversation because you've not seen the video, Rob. No, I'll watch it.

Let's just have you live react to it. Type it in, Rob. Okay, fair enough. Just put Noel Edmonds stunt crash. It's a bit bleak, Josh, this. No, it's not. No one died. Everyone was fine. So John Peel's doing the commentary. Edmonds is crash. This is a bit bleak, Josh, this. No, it's not. No one died. Everyone was fine.

So John Peel's doing the commentary. Edmonds is in the studio. John Peel's on location doing the commentary. So Guy Skippen in an escort. Is this right? Yeah. So this is a member of the public. Just describe what you're seeing.

I'm just in a car, a green car, drive along a, looks like a runway type thing. It's going very fast. It just, and it's going, he's now going over a big ramp and it's a horrific crash. And there's loads of people just stood there watching. So the car's going into, oh my God, there's fire engines. This is horrific,

Josh. No one got hurt, Rob. This was a live, this is a live TV. Bear in mind what you're allowed to do on League of their own, Rob, and the health and safety. They have put this on live TV. Bear in mind what you're allowed to do on League of Their Own, Rob. And the health and safety.

They have put this on live TV. So they're going again? They're going again. They're going again, Rob. It cargos badly the second time, can it? Here we go. So this is his first one and oh, it's worse! Why have they done it twice? And he didn't get hurt either.? And he didn't get hurt either.

No, he didn't get hurt either. Honestly, they are like some of the worst car wrecks I've ever seen. It's one of the most astonishing clips I've ever seen. How? I have never seen that before in my life. And why do you watch that to make you happy? Come on, Rob. It's one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen in my life.

Only because they're okay. Because they're okay. Everyone's fine. But the thought that that was put on Saturday Night Entertainment in the 80s, live, and Noel Edwards is making jokes about whether they're going to be okay. You know what? I don't think the good old days were good old days.

They weren't good old days. No, Rob, read the newspapers, mate, because the 70s at the BBC were not good old days either. You know, compared weren't good old days. No, Rob, read the newspapers, mate, because the 70s at the BBC were not good old days either. You know, compared to what they did in the 70s, that isn't too bad, is it? No. At least it was only adults in the car.

It could have been a lot worse. Do you know what? That is what I'm doing while you're pretending to sell a fucking cardboard box to Jeff Bezos. Oh, no, I just imagined how excited would it be if you sold cardboard boxes

and that was your job and you bumped into arguably the biggest buyer of cardboard boxes in the world. Imagine the exhilaration. And what are you saying to him? I've got Bezos. Who does your boxes? How much are you paying?

I'll do you a deal. Just give me something. Just let me do the prime ones. Just let me do something. Just let me do the little ones. Because what I think i miss is the thrill and excitement of something you know like walking out on stage or even when you go meet your mates in a pub you and then they all turn up and one of your mates turns up drunk you order a beer

you know that little fizz you get of just life a little when you sit by a pool when you get an holiday all the little things you do you go into a club and the song you like comes on which you know generally haven't done that for 18 years. But, you know, that kind of thing, that little excitement fits. So for me, in my head, I'm trying to get that from being a man who sells cardboard boxes and he's selling them to Jeff Bezos. Yes. Don't you get that? Can't you feel that excitement?

Yeah, I can feel that excitement. No, no. I mean, I just think it's such a – I don't know how you've got there. Neither do I. But I think, you know, I just think – imagine the thrill. And he gets home goes oh you never guess who i met bezos i just say you know you'd know mate yeah yeah yeah it's that it's actually you know the the prime logo that is actually modeled on his face he wears blue lipstick all the time it's just classic bezos you can do what you want josh shall we hear from our listeners because

i don't think we've done it have we yet have you got some emails for us yes here we go okay you're going to enjoy this no i'll do that in a minute i'll start with some lighter stuff but there is something that will blow your effing mind rob which i'll do in a bit okay so this is from Stephen Lowe my kids asked for fake poos for Christmas terrific I know how we giggled uh you know when they said fake steamer ended up on the floor on the tv remote in our bed the shower top the cooker in the microwave well one morning I begin work at 6am I work on a news. I came downstairs to find the plastic poo placed perfectly on the living room floor. I've not taken part in much sport as I might and with no one around I figured I'd boot it with some imaginary top bins for my beloved Wolverhampton Wanderers.

A proper last minute outside of the box steamer. Fate was laughing though as no sooner had my bare foot touched what would have been the factory produced poo it quickly became clear this was poo who's poo uh i don't know he said actually you've got to say yeah no it was cats it was a cat's poo oh he's booted cat shit first thing it was relatively fresh still soggy warm, and it flew at all angles. Oh, God, it's going everywhere, isn't it? It's exploding round and between my toes. Oh, my God.

The only way that could have been worse, if he hit it with a potato masher. That's the only way to get more flatter. Well, yeah, but at least that's going to go down this way. You're spraying. Everywhere. It's like, you know that scene in Mr Bean Well, yeah, but at least that's going to go down this way. It's like, it's like, you know, that scene in Mr. Bean where he explodes the paint tin.

I think that's the worst thing you could do to it in a room. Yeah, I think so. Maybe a golf club. Like, like if you, at least it's on the club and not your foot. Yeah. Have I told you my dog poo job interview story? No.

I was going for a job interview right somewhere. Actually, I think it was my first ever writing job. It was for like a proper company that wanted like funny things written for their website or I think they're making greeting cards anyway, right? So I was supposed to go up and write jokes about the company for them to use wherever. Anyway, so I was all really excited. I went up there and I was wearing, it was the summer i was wearing espadrilles because i'm like that and i'm southeast london i'm wearing espadrilles and i run from my train lewisham station and as i'm running i sort of feel something a bit weird i think what was that

anyway i get on the train i sit down the train what's that smell and i look down right and i And I haven't trod in dog poo. I've scooped it up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, I haven't trod in it. I've just sat down and I look at my estrogel and it's like a dog's done it on my shoe. Like a point at the end of your shoe, like you're a kind of elf. Yeah, yeah. I haven't got all of it, but I've got a lump of it, right?

And I was like, oh, my fucking God, and I'm on a packed commuter train. Yeah. And I just don't know what to do because it's like, I can't get it out the train. Do you know what I mean? So I just sort of sit there and I've got like a bit of new, I've got a bit of a newspaper, the free newspaper, and just sort of got it off and put it in a ball and left it under the seat.

Anyway, I get off and then I basically, it's just in, it's in the shoe. So what did you do well i tried to go into next to buy some new shoes but that was shut as a charing cross in the end i just went because i was running late for this job interview thing i just went to the office and just went to the toilet and i just washed an espadrille in the sink oh my god and anyway i washed it enough so there was no it wasn't smelly anymore it got it all off it was clean i rubbed it rubbed it rubbed it but it was a white espadrille. And I'd just tell everyone I'd spilt coffee on my foot.

Do you know what? You've done well there. Like I say, I'm a pressure player, Josh. Do you know what I mean? I find it absolutely astonishing that you would attend a job interview in a white espadrille. Unless it's a job interview to work in the bar at Ocean Beach. I did gigs in shorts and flip-flops.

Yeah, I mean, the disrespect, mate. Why? I think at least when you're doing a gig, you're the high-stakes, you know, people have come to see you. Fair enough. You get to wear what you want. Going to a job interview in an espadrille, a white espadrille. Yeah, but it was media, wasn't it?

It was creative. I was a creative guy, wasn't I? What were you pairing it with? What were your trousers and your... I think it was shorts and a T-shirt, yeah. Did you get the job? Hang on, what's... I can hear someone's talking to me.

What's going on here? I can hear Jurgen Klopp. Hang on. Have you left your YouTube on? Yeah, I left YouTube on. That's how they got the views in it. Sorry about that. I just got to hear Jurgen Klopp

and I thought I'd gone insane. It was one of my excitement dreams. I'm Jurgen Klopp and I thought I'd gone insane. It was one of my excitement dreams. I'm Jurgen Klopp and the chief medical officer at Liverpool has gone, Virgil's back in the team. He's recovered from his injury. Imagine that. You're a man whose job is developing shin pads and you bump into

Jurgen Klopp and you can't tell him some of your shin pads. Look, short set of gig, yeah? I probably wouldn't do it now, but I was young and it was the summer, but also, do you know what I was sick of? All the boring old comedians in hiking boots. How big do you think the fucking stage is, mate? Put a pair of normal shoes on or trainers.

I saw a comedian, one of the best comedians in the UK, who I love and loved growing up. He did a gig in walking boots. Stuart Lee? No, no, no, no um uh dylan moran actually oh dylan and you're going come on are you one of the coolest comedians there is you you made smoking cool and now you're going on stage and walking boots i'm gonna be wrong i've got walking boots now yeah i go walking but i won't wear them on stage do you know what i hate

comedians on stage outfit rob do you know what i hate go Comedians on stage outfit, Rob. Do you know what I hate? Take the fucking stuff out your pockets. Yeah, I hate it. The worst is a wallet in the back that's been in the same pocket. There's little holes where the wallet's worn away. You pathetic little rat. Get a bag. Who do you think you are?

The outline of your phone? Awful. Sometimes I'll let them off if it's a comedy club in a rough area and they don't want to leave it backstage, right? But on a tour show, take your keys out. Do you not trust your tour manager? If someone hasn't got show shoes for a tour, I've got no respect for them. You take a pair of shoes that you don't wear anywhere

else apart from on that stage so they're nice and fresh because everyone's come for a night out, alright? Bloody hell, I wouldn't go that far, Rob. You have dirty little trainers anyway all the time that's part of your brand do you have a special show outfit that you put on oh yeah more to make it easy i just basically pick an outfit for that tour and i'll buy two or three versions of it and i'll always have that on me in case i spill something on me and then when one's getting cleaned i've got the other but i'll only get i'll buy one pair of new shoes i'll wear for tour and leave them in a little bag so they're always nice and clean and fresh do email in the

most lazy thing you've seen a comedian wearing uh now mike shinks shinks oh shinky hey when our kids were younger you were used to go away with four other families every december we'd celebrate christmas early and father christmas would car i would text fran my wife to say that he'd left a few pre-christmas things for all the kids somewhere in the house oh that's nice of him to make this plan complete fran changed my name and her phone to father christmas so she could prove to the kids who the message was from all worked well until later the next day when my two boys dad and tom were playing games on Fran's phone. They wandered into the kitchen and said, Mum, Father Christmas has just texted.

He said he's in Morrison's buying toilet paper. Do you want any carver? He doesn't stop, does he, Old Santa? He's a good bloke. He's a good bloke. Do you want any Carver as well? Mike Shinks is having a lovely Christmas, isn't he? Oh, Shinks, you're not missing out.

Toilet roll and Carver. I'm feeling lucky tonight. Can I read you something that's going to blow your mind? Yeah. Okay. I wanted to share a story with you about my best friend. Six years ago. This is from Shelby Wines.

All right. Which sounds like somewhere that you'd make a panic order of a gift to just before Christmas. Yeah, all the other majestics fully booked. Yeah, I'm going to have to go to Shelby Wines. I don't know. I've never used them. They're basically Midlands. They seem all right.

I wanted to share a story with you about my best friend six years ago she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl but she had no idea she was pregnant until she was delivering in the hospital i i never understand this this is always in the news how's this work so i'm going to this is a full story it was an insane experience that I think your listeners would enjoy. I remember the very day I got a phone call from my best friend right as I was leaving work saying, Hey, come to the hospital and meet your niece. I thought she was being funny. I said, ha ha.

What animal did you buy this time? She said, no, seriously. I know you don't believe me right now, but I had a baby. Just come to the hospital. That is the only way you'll believe me. I thought that she was playing a prank on me. So begrudgingly got in my car and drove to the hospital parking lot. When I got there, I was actually quite annoyed because I wanted to get home.

So I called her again and asked where she was. She said, come to the fourth floor room 13 parked my car went inside and pressed four on the elevator when I got to the fourth floor I realized I was in the baby ward I started to freak out a bit but I was still not sold I went to the table and asked the nurse if she knew where my friend was and she said room 13 crazy story eh now I started to half believe her i took a breath outside the door and walked into the room and there she was with a beautiful baby girl the first thing that came out of my mouth was can i see her hospital bracelet just to make sure

it was crazy my friend's mom and sister in the room and everyone was just in shock and awe the second thing that came out of my mouth was how. We started to talk about the last nine months. I'd only been home from England for the last six months. In that six months, we played soccer together, where she'd fractured an ankle and got an X-ray. We'd eaten sushi. We'd been going to parties and drinking occasionally. Oh, no.

All that flashback. What did I do? We went to Mexico on location only a month before she gave birth. In Mexico, we went cliff jumping. Oh, my God. And on an ATV adventure. I don't know what ATV is. Oh, my God.

This kid is hardy. Did this kid go on to appear in Noel Edmonds' Late Late Breakfast show? I'm just wondering. This kid can take some licks. My best friend was doing everything you shouldn't when you're pregnant. We were 24 at this time. She could have potentially given birth in Mexico. I cannot even imagine the phone call to her parents.

That little Mexican passport. I was so confused about how she didn't know. We talked to her and she said she had had her period every month and saw no signs at all we looked at pictures to see if there was any weight gain she'd maybe put on five or six pounds but not noticeable at all even pictures in mexico and bathing suits didn't even show anything noticeable how small was the baby i don't know the only thing she can pinpoint is that a few days prior she she was very tired and didn't know why the day of uh the birth she started feeling

pain in her stomach originally thought it was gas pains but then thought it was a gallbladder or pancreas she said the pain got worse as the day continued she asked her sister to drive her to the hospital when she got to an emergency she said she needed to go to the bathroom she said she thought she needed a poo but gave a push weird, looked down and saw her head. Oh my God! She screamed and the nurses in emergency had to deliver her baby right there and then. Oh my God. Fast forward to now, her daughter is healthy and sassy,

six-year-old, she had no side effects from anything that the mum did that she wasn't supposed to she's in grade one doing very well at school i couldn't imagine life without her so there's two things here like hear me out before anyone criticizes me this lady's like a sort of like a machine like a superhero someone from like avengers or something yeah or actually you know being pregnant's all in your head and it isn't that bad you know it's old about here and you hear all the horror stories actually if you didn't know you wouldn't even notice psychosomatic is that what you're saying i think pregnancy is a placebo you know don't quote me on that but from the evidence i'm getting

perhaps it's a big fuss over nothing that's that's one angle i'm not saying that's where i what i think yeah yeah you're just saying, you know what I mean? You know, when you do say, isn't it just like having a big poo? People say, don't be so ridiculous. But in this case, it sort of is. Would you agree? Do you agree with me on this? Would you say, personally, pregnancies are fuss over nothing?

Well, using this sample. Yeah, as a sample size. As a sample size, it's's small but if you're judging it from just this one sample i think your conclusions would only be able to go one way yeah well let's open it up then if anyone's got any more examples like this that can support this claim that is it's an astonishing story isn't it almost to support josh's claim that pregnancy is a fuss i think let's go us know. That is a pregnancy delusion. That's my new book that I'm going to write.

It's one of the most amazing stories. That's amazing. Unbelievable. Amazing. Do you want some anonymous confessions about people at the school gates? Oh, yes, please. This would be great. Okay.

These people that I hate, but they're not going to say who they are. This is great. I love this. So, hello. This would be great. Okay. These people that I hate, but they're not going to say who they are. This is great. I love this. So, hello. Happy New Year. I have a submission for your new feature. Please, of course, keep me anonymous. This is Sophie Green's story.

I've made that name up. That'd be quite funny if you say I want to keep this anonymous. We'll call them all Sophie Green, okay? Everyone, this is from Sophie Green. I have two daughters, one aged 15 and one who's six months. When my oldest was six, she was being picked on by a nasty piece of work at school. Let's call the bully Izzy. Izzy.

Oh, what a bitch. I picked up my daughter from the child mine. I pictured Izzy. I pictured Izzy. I hate her. Yeah. Yeah. She eats little celebration sweets and just throws them on the floor as she scooters along.

Oh, my word. She is a piece of work. Do you know what she wants? She's spat on a pigeon, Josh. Which I was quite in awe of, of the accuracy, but it's disgusting. Yeah. I picked up my daughter from the childminders one evening in the winter to be told that when walking home from school, my daughter had had to wear the childminders one evening in the winter to be told that when walking home from school,

my daughter had had to wear her childminders coat because Izzy had taken my daughter's coat, put it in a puzzle and jumped on it. Oh, my God. It was too wet to wear and it was February and freezing. I was furious. The kid had been out of line to my daughter before, but this was too much. I called Izzy's mum and explained what had happened how sad my daughter was and asked her to speak to izzy so that um nothing like this happened again izzy's mom said i'm so tired of parents calling me to tell me what izzy has done at school

at school she's their responsibility oh what yeah you can tell her yourself and put Izzy on the phone. Oh, my God. For me to deal with. What would you have done in that situation, Rob? What pathetic person. How obvious is it that Izzy rules the house? Where you've had to put her on the phone like she's got any say in this? Fuck off. I'd be furious.

I'd expect Izzy and her mum to come to my house to apologise to my daughter on the doorstep. What would you do, Rob, when you were put on the phone with Izzy? I'd say, hello, Izzy. Hi. Hello, Izzy. What happened to that school? I couldn't give a fuck, mate.

What, with the coat? Yeah. What happened with the coat? I put it in a puddle, stamped on it. Why did you do that? Why did you do that? I'd say a show of power, but also because I've been badly brought up.

Yeah, I'd say so too. Do you know what? Is it, is it a thing? Do you know what you are? You're a little c*** and your mummy's as well. See you later.

Phone down. Headmaster. What, you're sent to the headmaster? I'll go to the headmaster and go, right, we need to talk, we need to sort the mum and the daughter out.

And there you go. Right, are you the one that called a six-year-old a **** on the phone? Yes, I am. Next question. Yeah, and am I wrong? Are you disputing it?

I've got a switch. I'm a nice guy, but I can go. I can lose my head with stuff like that. If it's anything to do with my wife and kids, I can really turn, Josh. Can you? I'd find it very difficult to i told you i'd nearly had a fight on the school run the other week before before school shots when that bloke

he broke drive along basically and if you want to drive your kid to this school the primary school you can drive in and drop them off or you can park in the side road anyway so we walk along the the pavement and it's a dip that goes into like an old people's home. I'm walking along and my daughter's scooting along and this guy pulls over, he doesn't just pull over

onto the side, he pulls over and like mounts the lowered curb bit half and half. So basically, my daughter had to swerve out the way

of the car and I just went, what are you fucking doing, mate? But like, quite escalated. I went, what? I went,

I'm trying to walk here, the scooter's going here, park around the corner. He went, I'm trying to walk here. There's scooters going here. Park around the corner. He went, I'm only being quick. I mean, you shouldn't be here at all. Fuck off.

Like that. Did you? Yeah. He didn't. Josh, it was so dangerous, right? And there was kids there,

right? And he went into. Who's kids are? Are you a gentleman to F off? Yeah, but he looked a bit nerdy. He had glasses on.

It was in a Volvo and he was smaller than me, so I felt more confident. And anyway, and then've got to the traffic lights and then they were red you know for the for the people walking across the traffic lights yeah but in the situation they're in it was green for the cars right so obviously this bloke i've embarrassed this bloke because he knows what he was doing josh was totally out of order me swearing was out of order but i go a bit i'll go a bit southeast London when I get angry right so I shouldn't have sworn but I you know that's my go-to and anyway

so he knew he'd done wrong he could tell you I could tell he's a little bit posh and he didn't like I don't think anyone had told him to fuck off probably for about 15 years so the green for the cars he goes to me he stops it goes like, like, walk, you can walk if you want. Almost like, you know, sort of like an apology. Yeah. I went, no, we're waiting for the green man. Fuck off. You didn't.

I fucked him up again. Do you know what? Neither of you are coming out of this well. No. I admit what I did was petty then, but then it wasn't. I shouldn't, look, I agree with everything I did, apart from the swearing.

I shouldn't have sworn, and I would apologise for that. I agree that you shouldn't be crossing on a red man as well. No, exactly. So what is the rules here? That you swerve over on the pavement, and then I teach my daughter to walk across when it's a red man because you've been a dick. Not happening, mate.

We'll wait for the green man, off you go i shouldn't have sworn but that's what i'm saying i can't so izzy i'm already angry i'll be angry about izzy all day the amount of cardboard jeff bezos thinking i'm gonna have to do later to bring me out of this is gonna have to be quite extreme we've found a new level of anger there is a there is a level of southeast london in you isn't that well yeah it's something i try and suppress. And I'm not hard by any stretch of imagination. No, no, no. That was no way what I was claiming at any point. I can loudly go into sort of swearing and sounding quite aggressive,

where I'm not really being that aggressive, but that's just me showing my displeasure. But I don't really know of any other way to express it. Yeah, no, no. I don't know how well I should say that, but I shouldn't have sworn i think let's go away because she's hurt herself and she's angry at the pain so she'll shout go away because she doesn't know how else to express it yeah it's the same with you yeah obviously you're 35 yeah it's only to work on that but i think i'm still happy with what i did but i shouldn't. Yes. Because then that undermines your argument.

I think the biggest crime of all, really, was the man who thought that you should let people cross on a red man. Yeah, that's insane. But I knew I'd add him then. I was like, your red's gone, mate. Your red's gone. Your red's gone, mate. Green for you, red for me.

You're saying off you go. What are you trying to do? You ain't winning this, mate. You've lost. Yeah, but I shouldn't have sworn. So apologies to the man in that car. So we've got one more,'re saying off you go. What are you trying to do? You ain't winning this, mate. You've lost. Yeah, but I shouldn't have sworn. So apologies to the man in that car. So we've got one more, Josh, before we end. Yes.

Shall we have a nice one, friend? Yes, have a nice one. Come on, let's do this. I feel like it's going to start of good news now. All the vaccinations rolling out. I can see some daffodils coming out my garden. It's going to get warmer. Sure, at the moment it's minus three, but it's nearly spring.

This is from Addict. Hi, Rob and Josh. Greetings from Jakarta, Indonesia. We're going global, mate. There we go. I'm one of the many people who's been helped by the Philip Perry episode, but I would guess not in the same way as most. I am 26 and don't have kids, but moved back in my parents for what was supposed to be a few months before moving to Australia to study in April.

But that was put off indefinitely due to the pandemic up until now. Before this, I'd happily lived on my own for two years. It's been a massive adjustment to living back with them, especially with losing all the independence I had before. I'm being stuck with them all day, every day in lockdown. Anyway, the Philip Perry episode really reminded me that my parents were once kids also, who have been shaped and messed up in their own ways by their own parents. And even if they don't always think in those terms themselves, keeping that in mind has helped me to remember that they are also just trying their best.

Basically, what he's saying, Rob, is he's Philip-a-perried his own parents. He's Philip-a-perried his own parents. I don't even think that was possible. He's gone backwards and implemented it. Yeah, exactly. And so he doesn't force his dad to wear a coat anymore? Exactly. He doesn't force his dad to wear a coat.

When his dad's angry, he doesn't shout at his dad to wear a coat anymore exactly doesn't force his dad to wear a coat he when his dad's angry he doesn't um shout at his dad but instead he talks to his dad about that anger and also he always explains to his dad why he's made decisions because i think that's great you know yeah oh that's nice i'm glad he's uh he's enjoyed it yeah i think uh you know it's always nice to end with someone who's got something out of these episodes. I was going to say, my parents listened to the Philippa Perry episode, and she went, I listened to that Philippa Perry. My mum was fuming.

She went, well, I've done it all wrong, haven't I? I think she knows best. I've done it all wrong, have I? And I was like, well, no, it's all subjective. But she did answer your question, Josh, how my parents listened to it in bed. Yeah. And it's basically just, yeah, a bit of foreplay, full sex, and then bang it on.

No, they didn't say that. They said they listen to it in the dark, right, as they're going to sleep, but they listen to all of it because they turn it off when it ends. Ah, there we go. And they're laying there in the dark. They're not staring at stuff, just sort of listening and laughing, I imagine. Hopefully. Well, get ready to turn it off because this is the end of the episode yes and go to sleep and also as well

my parents are currently do you know what their sleep pattern is josh for 76 years and my mum's 66 10 year gap i know disgusting they're going to bed 2 3 a.m waking up at 11 a.m 10 30 11 whoa 2 3 a.m they're going to bed. Yeah, just binge-watching stuff. And then getting up at about 10, 11 in the morning. That's not what nans do, is it? Nans and granddads do? No. What are they binge-watching? Anything, mate. They are

absolutely, absolutely love it. Paul Sinha's TV showdown. They love that. It's a show I do on Saturdays on ITV. Are they just obsessed with Rob Beckett? I think they're obsessed with Rob Beckett. Oh, can I do some plugs for telly shows I've got on, Josh? Do you know what? I think we should

be plugging our stuff because we're plugging other products. It's a missed opportunity if we don't. I'll do mine first. TV showdown, Saturday nights, ITV. Really funny quiz show with Paul Sinart, favourite play, fun for all the family. Rob and Romesh Versus is coming back

further Feb on Sky we do drag tennis and art that's really funny Slabs Go Dating is back

it'll be on now actually it starts Monday I think that's about it yeah watch all those please yes last legs on at the moment

but Hypothetical is back February the 12th on Dave at 10pm. Me and James Acaster, lots of great guests. Series three. I suppose that's it, isn't it?

Yeah, that's it. Just keep going. We should, you know, when we've got other things, we shouldn't be shy, Rob. I might be on 24 hours in police custody in a few weeks if people keep pulling up onto pavements. That'd be a good watch. We're back on Friday with Paddy McGuinness.

Paddy McGuinness. See you then guys. Bye bye. Bye.