Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP20: A right kick in the Jaffa's...

Episode Date: March 30, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP20: A right kick in the Jaffa's...More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... You see Josh? You see Josh? Not Josh Beckett. You see Josh?

Widdicombe. And Rob. Rob. Beckett. Beckett. Good girl. That's one of my favourites. That was lovely, wasn't it?

So quiet. It was like a little borrower. Yeah. A little borrower voice. And can I ask a question, Josh? Is borrower too old as a reference point now? There's not been a rehash of the borrowers. No, I think it's fine.

Do you know what? I think Hilsey did a borrower joke on the last episode of the last series i think it's fine do you know what i think hillsy did a borrower joke on the last leg of the last episode last series he got away with it and he got away with it well it's tough isn't it because you don't want to do the you know they're little people that they're so little that they won't get offended yeah there's we're not going to get any angry letters from borrowers don't worry okay good yeah i can't bloody reach the letterbox, am I right? I'll be able to read them anyway. They're all tiny pencils. So, this is Izzy Goodyear. Yes.

And that's her daughter, Summer Rose Goodyear, age almost two. Almost two. Summer Rose Goodyear. What a name that is. I feel like Summer Rose Goodyear is either going to be this sort of like floaty hippie through life of just like magical just doing I just do this now just do that or the biggest Karen has ever existed with that name you could just imagine her with like a perm shouting about a football going in her garden well judge

it from this then let's judge it from this uh uh we are for very fortunate after many years of trying to conceive naturally and through IVF we have have a gorgeous, almost two-year-old girl. However, after multiple 4 a.m. wake-ups this week, where she screams, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy at the top of her voice, or Gruffalo, where are you? on repeat, till I bring her into the bed with us to try and stall getting up and starting our day.

4 a.m. Oh, God. I thought we'd try voice recording. So that's at 4 a.m. I was going to say, well, what is top... To be fair i reckon i could sleep through the top of her voice i won't bother me oh that's not waking me up but that was

4 a.m well good effort i mean you've got to do something at 4 a.m why not record something for a podcast exactly well i've actually do you know what i'm going to come to uh worries about sleeping my own worries about sleeping okay later yeah but it's a huge hugely sad day for me rob oh no what's happened i and i don't know whether um you've ever experienced something like this rob but um i've slipped down the pecking order in terms of famous people from my secondary school oh well it's a head-to-head fight between me and Tom Allen at our school. And I think he's going to overtake me or he's already nudging me ahead. I think I've got to tell you before him, but he's now bigger and better than me.

Not at all, Rob. Not at all. He's shit. It's neck and neck with me and Tom. I mean, Bradley from EastEnders was far and away. Charlie Clements was destroying us for years. And the stench of Steve Backley was still in the gym changing room. Steve Backley? Bloody hell, mate. I don't know if he went to the school, but he lived in the area.

But, you know, you knew he'd been there. You knew he'd thrown down on that field. But, yeah, so me and Tom are sort of neck and neck in it. Who's from your school? Did you watch England v San Marino last night? No, I didn't because I enjoy competitive sport. last night? No, I didn't because I enjoy

competitive sport. Ollie Watkins who scored on his England debut last night went to my school. Ollie, yes, he is more famous than you now.

He's beaten you, Josh. It's absolute heartbreak. And also, the tragic thing is I reckon if you had a good night's sleep you could have scored against San Marino as well

if you had the opportunity. He's going to be going to the bloody Euros, Rob. Well, all I'd say is if you had a good night's sleep, you could have scored against San Marino as well. If you had the opportunity. He's going to be going to the bloody Euros, Rob. Well, all I'd say is no offence to Ollie Watkins, but let's see him play against the Germans and then we'll discuss who's the most famous person. Because you've been slogging your guts out, doing the Paralympics, the Olympics, the last leg for years and years.

He can't just turn up and get a tap in. Was it a tap in? I don't know. I didn't watch it. I've got no interest. But anyway, he has overtaken josh i'm afraid and the pu department will be the ollie watkins gym boy exactly it's the same pu teacher as well mr dinny he must be absolutely fucking buzzing mr dinny well yeah considering what he had to work with the generation before and then he delivered ollie watkins it's a real jump isn't it it? You know, it's that Hobbit to Ork.

The power of Ollie Watkins up front. Yeah, well, I'll be watching his career. I'm very excited. You know, it feels weird like you've got some skin in the game now. Do you know what I mean? Well, yeah, it's good. It ups your game. That's what I'd say about being the famous person from your school.

You've got to now compete with Ollie Watkins and try and trump him, you know? Well, could he deliver a blistering 20 at Up the Creek Comedy Club on a Friday night, Rob? No, but neither can you. Because I couldn't back in the day. Did I do it before you did it? I thought, I need to get in here, mate.

I snipered you during a mid-self-harm line from you. I felt horrible then. You was already pulling yourself down. Well, I tell you what, if I'd said that and neither of us had picked up on it, it would have been a shame on us. Yes, it would have been a shame on you. But no, to be fair, Josh, you are an excellent comedian and you would strike fear in the hearts of all the other open mic comics

when you turn up at competitions. And we all know you beat me at the Leicester Mercury competition back in 2010, even though you've been going two years longer than me, but let's not get bogged down by details. Yeah, even though I got to go on in the second half because I'd been in a train crash. Okay, let's not get bogged down by the past, Josh. Let's talk about the present.

What else has been happening in your life? I'm a bit worried. That's classic Widders, though, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. No, not about worried. That's classic with us, though, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. No, not about it. That's neutral. Just general. So I've got to go away to film.

Now, I've got a bit of a thing where I can't sleep in hotels, Rob. I'm bad at sleeping in hotels. Okay, why? What's that? What's the problem? I've just got a mental block, and I haven't had to do it for a year, and now I'm really nervous that i'm not going to be able to sleep i've already seen that the cool time the next morning

you are you are you have picked the wrong podcast to complain about going to a hotel on your own there will be zero no everyone's listening to this just going fuck off just stay awake all night you'll still have more energy than looking after kids. But I think I'm going to stay awake all night. I've already talked my way out of it, Rob. Well, can I tell you what I would do? Yeah. I would take my own pillow.

I'd do that anyway. I would also take a candle. Yeah. That then makes the room smell nice. Laurel Whitmore told me this, actually. She always takes a candle with her when she travels, and it's the same candle she has at home so that then the room smells like home.

Oh, that's good. Take some red wine, a candle and your own pillow like you're leaving the house because of a divorce and just try and get some shut eye. Oh God, I'm nervous about it. I'll be interested to know how you get on, but it'll be interesting as well to hear about the parenting podcast when you're not parenting. You might sound completely different. How's it been with her parenting though how's well how's rose as well because she's quite heavily pregnant now movable basically rob movable immovable

immovable so she's sort of it's so much more difficult than the first one isn't it did you find well it's because there's a kid running about isn't it because there's a kid running about yeah so it's just like are you carrying a lot of stuff? No, not really. But I'm doing a lot of the nursery runs. Yes, understandably. Yes. And I'm not going to lie, Rob. The news we had last week that one of the teachers lives near us

and is willing to bring our daughter home for a small fee is probably the greatest news I've ever had in my life. Right. What's the fee? Surely she's on her way home, isn't she? Yeah, but you can't go, you're right, just to... Do the school run every day. Do the school run for us.

Let's talk numbers, Josh. £12. £12, what, a week? No, because it's an hour, isn't it? She takes her from the nursery to our house, which takes more or less an hour. Really? Is it an hour walk?

On the bus. On the bus? So do you normally drive her to nursery then i you can walk it in half an hour you can get the bus how the fuck does it take an hour on the bus it takes 45 minutes but you've got to wait for the bus haven't you oh right so she gets the bus home with her this is miles away this nursery yeah well it is rob but i knew the woman who ran it and she's really nice and then we went to look at it it's a bit like you had this with the school, didn't you? Once you've gone to a place that you like,

it's like when you're moving house, you see the one you want. It's difficult to then go, yeah, but this one I don't like. Do you pay 12 quid a day for your daughter? No, she does it once or twice a week. All right, okay, I get you. All right, fair enough. So you can use it if you've got work or meetings. All right, I get you.

Okay, fair enough. I was going to say that've got work or yeah all right i'll get you okay fair enough i'm gonna say that is a that is a especially the london council tax has gone up by nine percent have you seen your letter the greater london authority i'll be honest with you rob i opened the letter yep looked at it and this is how across finance i am i thought bloody hell that's steep maybe i just didn't realize it's always been that steep. No, but his ear's steep, but it's gone up a lot. Yeah, but I didn't realise. I just presumed that's what I'd always been paying because I'm not really across stuff like that.

Josh, we've just stumbled into the mundane chat of the week. Sorry. Just two men furious about their council tax bills, even though one of them pays 12 quid for their kid to get a bus home. But the parenting been okay? You've got the babysitting that's helping then with Rose pregnant? Yeah, it's all good. It's all good at the moment.

Should I be honest about how I'm feeling about the second one? Yes. Very excited about the baby. Yes, of course. Excited about Rose not being pregnant anymore. I think she cannot fucking wait. Yeah. I think my main concern is my daughter's reaction to the new baby.

Yes, but that's classic anxiety. And you literally, there's nothing you can do now. Thinking about it, it's a waste of time because there's nothing you can do until it comes. So you just have to try and blank that out. And I hope for the best. Was it all right for you? Because my mate's just had a baby and his son, he ain't happy about it.

How old's the son? Two and a half. Two and a half. The present thing works, bringing back a present and just making sure you've got time. Yeah, I think it's a bit of a lottery, to be honest, because my eldest, eldest they get on really well the five-year-old and three-year-old get really well but my oldest was coming back from school talking about her friend's brothers going that and and their sisters at school going yeah they don't like their sister because they make the house messy so i think it's luck of the draw to be honest josh so um you know and if they do hate each

other it's only 18 years and they go their separate ways. Exactly. Do you know what I mean? It's just an 18 years of hell and then it's uni. So I won't get too stressed. Exactly. Exactly. How has your parenting been? Do you know what? It's really upped its game today because the coffee machine has been broke. I've been on instant coffee and now I'm back on grinding my own bean, mate. I'm grinding my bean in the morning and I'm flying. I feel like, you know, I'm a souped up football hooligan on an away day.

Oh, wow. How many coffees are you on a day? Just the one at the start? No, I'm two or three. Two or three? Normally two, but three if it's been bad. Oh, and what time would you be your, do you have like a coffee cut off? I try to, yeah, nothing after about two o'clock.

Yeah. Which is quite late, but I'm loving it. I'm loving that. I think I'm over getting a dog. I saw a lady with a Great Dane picking up its shit with two hands. I've never seen a two-hand shit pick before, have you? No. Two hands in the bag.

Because it was such a big shit. Yeah. Oh, God. I i've never so that that's put me off um what else has happened oh there's been a terrible problem um my cat alan has been eating ice creams that he's got out the freezer himself and wiping the ice cream on the wall with his paw according to my three-year-old oh so so I can send you the photo there's finger marks of ice cream that's been wiped on the wall and I said to the three-year-old what happened here and she said Alan did it and proceeded to explain that Alan goes to the um freezer and gets ice creams out eats them and

wipes his finger on the wall and the five-year-old backed her up and said yes he does do that i saw it he's got big old paws hasn't he he's got big oh he's got big almost like hands aren't they but the thing is what i'd say is yeah sure my daughter does rub ice cream on the wall but she ain't a fucking grass exactly do you know what they're not grasses they'll back each other up That is a really good bond they've got together. They don't like you or respect you, but together they really. Yeah. They treat me like a screw at prison.

They're like Thelma and Louise. But yeah, so I'm going to have to talk to Alan about that, the cat for wiping ice cream on the wall. But then what I did was I was like, well, make sure if you see, that's very naughty. So if you see Alan doing it again, you let me and um and so so they're gonna let me know so that that's that's that's sorted um i tell you what did happen though right we but you're aware of this because we can't do live shows anymore um at theaters they're all shut because of the old panny d i do some zoom

gigs yes and before you'd i'd do like comedy club gigs on on top of that sometimes I'd host awards for an industry or a company or a company conference they'd get a comedian on at the end with a magician anyway I did one for this company and I always try and get an interesting fact about all the people that are attending so that I can have a bit of a chat with them so it's not just me sort of doing jokes awkwardly on zoom so there's a bit of a chat with them. So it's not just me sort of doing jokes awkwardly on Zoom. So there's a bit of interaction. It makes it a bit more unique. Anyway, so I got all the info through and there was, you know, classic stuff like, oh, you know, I went to school with Jamiroquai.

You talk about that. A bird once slapped me around the face with a burger. It's like a seagull attack. You know, all these sort of funny things that have happened. I got drunk at Reading. Anyway, one person, it came up and it said i've won three bafters whoa this is what a story this is okay anyway so i thought i'd talk to this person because it was it was like in a different industry it wasn't even i was like this is weird so i was chatting to her and i go um

um oh yeah so what did you win the bafterss for? She said, well, writing, but I didn't write it. Someone else wrote it. And for best drama. And I was like, what? It turns out it was a dramatisation of this woman's life story who had been in a tragic, horrendous accident. Okay. I'm not going to say what it was for privacy reasons,

but like lots of people died and she survived. So the mood obviously dropped what it was for privacy reasons, but like lots of people died and she survived. So the mood obviously dropped. And it was this horrific story about this woman's sort of survival from this tragic accident. I'm trying to do a comedy set. So obviously my first reaction is, right, you're stretching it that you've won a BAFTA. Like, sure, it's about you.

But you've not done the legwork. But I didn't bring that up. She's been through a lot, right? Exactly. Oscar Schindler didn't win an Oscar. No, exactly. I didn't win an oscar no exactly i didn't mean that double use of the word oscar then that made the whole thing confusing so anyway that's fine i didn't want to bog down on that and i thought how am i going to get out of

this we're now talking about the tragic life story that she's managed to overcome and get a career somewhere else you'll never guess what her next fact was after she told me this tragic event she'd been in and it it was like a gift from the comedy gods she had done the conga with frankie detoria at a wedding oh my god i was like here we go it's back in the game i've rescued victory from the jaws of defeat oh wow i couldn't believe it't believe it. It was magic, Josh. And I've never been so stressed. Oh, did she go in front or behind? He led it.

He led it. Of course he bloody did. And I said, how, you know, was it just you two? And she went, yeah, well, at the start, but not at the end. Because I don't know about you, if you're at a wedding and you see Frankie DeTore leading a conga, you're jumping on that conga all day long with your josh i would love to do the conga with frankie detore in my head he's

in his jockey outfit i know he's not bright green but in my head he's wearing the full whatever they call the silks he's whipping the survivor with a stick as they go around the roundabout i've got some kid-based stuff though as well to ask you on um should have to ask you on. Two things, lollipops and grapes. What's your grape set up for your child? Are you still cutting the grapes because they're a choke hazard? Yeah, or are you giving them whole for them to bite? She doesn't eat, she's on raisins now, which are tiny grapes. She doesn't eat grapes?

Well, we haven't really had any grapes in ages. But were we to get grapes, do I need to cut them in half? Is that the thing now? Yeah, are you are you not cutting them then because they are a choke hazard because they're put the same size as a wind pipe so we've been cutting them but now lu saying the youngest is three i still think too young to trust with biting them in half yeah but then you don't want to be that parent that's still you know peeling their prawns when they're 40 yeah i would naturally cut the grape well cherry tomatoes similar right

yes i chop the cherry tomatoes you chop the tomato you chop a grape but you haven't had in any in she's still on raisins fair enough okay next one lollipop do you let them you know like a chub a chub put the whole lollipop in the mouth or does they just lick it and i don't know why i tell them this but i do just to lick the lollipop without not putting it in the whole. But the fun bit of a lollipop is the whole lollipop in the mouth, isn't it? Yeah, she hasn't really. She's not into lollipops. She's an ice cream lolly person.

But she's not had a chubba chub type lolly. She has, and I don't think she was that fussed. You know what I mean? She's ice cream mad. She's like a cat rob. She's absolutely obsessed with ice cream. She's wiping it on the walls like my feline friend yeah well i get this situation because my nursery is four billion miles away from me that she will often fall asleep in the pram home which is obviously disastrous yes of course that

is a nightmare so i've got in a situation of getting her an ice cream on the way home just purely to keep her awake yeah but to be, she sounds like she's on some sort of like city banker commute. It's an hour commute. It's a long day for a kid. Halfway through the commute, she's got through the Metro. She's got nothing else to read. The Metro has got to be the most pointless paper in it. It's like reading Twitter three days later.

It's like a nostalgia piece. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Oh, there's a boat stuck in the suez canal who knew who knew it's a ship it's a ship um that might at time of podcast recording that ship may have moved so apologies if i'm delivering you metro news yeah but if you are coming to this podcast for your news it, you're making a huge mistake. Can I tell you a pet peeve of parenting, Josh? Yeah.

A PPP? A parenting pet peeve, the triple P, is when the kid's slightly older, I'd say ranging from about 9 to 13, and, like, if they're walking along with their parent and say they're at the school or something, they cross along the grass and the parent feels awkward and embarrassed. The parent goes, oh, what are you doing, Abigail? Don't go on the grass. You must go on the pavement. Don't go on the grass.

Go on the path or the pavement. And then sort of gives me an eye roll because they're sort of awkward. Oh, they're worried about what you're going to say about Abigail. Yeah. Well, I'm just like, don't embarrass your kid. I don't give a shit what your kid does. Because I think it's coming from a place of they're worried what people think of their child.

But then that as a kid used to really annoy me. So then you're just sort of embarrassing the child for no reason. And I don't care. If anything, you make me feel better about my kids because your one's being naughty. My dad used to quite enjoy embarrassing us, Rob. Yes. As children.

I think my dad would have enjoyed us crossing the grass like he would as a kind of old hippie from the 60s he quite liked the idea of his children being a bit rebellious do you know what I mean so he would encourage the grass walk he wouldn't encourage the grass

walk but he certainly wouldn't have worried about you walking across the grass yeah there's only a little corner of it. But I think that people get so awkward and panicked. And I'm like, your kid's going to hate you if you keep doing that. Like an embarrassing in front of other grownups. Yeah. How are your parents?

Would they embarrass you in front of other grownups? Oh, my God. My dad's a nightmare. Is he? He's such an attention seeker. Really? What kind of things would he do? They were very welcoming.

Everyone was welcoming. And the annoying thing was all my friends love my parents to the point of they're more entertaining than us. So they'd go around there. My dad would be like, it would all be sitting there watching the telly and he'd walk in and then just start going, Oh,

look, you know, if you've got your jeans a bit low, Oh, we're wearing your jeans low. Are you like that? Oh, I see kids.

I need to stop putting his jeans until the top of his ass comes out and just showing off. Yeah. And stuff like that. Or like he'd go, oh, where's my little Rob? And he couldn't try and cuddle me in front of my mates when I was about 14 and all that. Oh, my God, Rob.

But it wasn't never too awkward and embarrassing, like if your parents, because they weren't stiff-necked, they were quite loose-necky. But it wasn't anything, my friends found it funny. It wasn't awkward. Like, you know, with some parents where it's just a bit weird and they embarrass them because the parents are weird. That's a different level in it.

There's yeah. I think the worst was you go to someone's house and be quite sterile. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Or they tell them off and then you're sat there. The worst is when your friend's getting told off by their parent and you're sat there and like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened. I hate it.

Which never happened in our house like that oh god that was awful what i once went to um he wasn't a friend he was like you know when you're tentatively is this person going to be my friend i must be about 12 there's a lot of farmers at my school rob and also when it was bailing season they'd get time off as well to help with the bailing like it was the fucking 1900s yes an evacuee story this so anyway oh if i told you this about my primary school so my primary school was so small yeah that they didn't have any room to cook lunches on site i'll leave it out so when we answered the register in the morning rather than saying here we had to say packed or dinners, right? Depending on whether you had packed lunch or whether you wanted school dinners.

And then one of the children, and we would have been eight or whatever, was tasked with counting up the amount of people who said dinners. Yeah. And then going to the phone and phoning through the number to the next school who would then send the dinners across. You had to ring a school and say, there's six in today that are having dinners. Yeah.

Deliver six lunches. And then we brought across. You didn't have a kitchen at your school. We didn't have a kitchen. It's actually like a church hall. I don't think that's a school. But that felt so normal to me. That's not a school, mate.

That's just a built-in warehouse. Did you used to go around your friends' houses for, like, go around for tea and playing? Yeah, so that's what I'm saying. When I was 12 or 13 in secondary school, I went around to a potential friend's house. I had lots of friends that were actually like me. I think we were doing, like, a school project.

We'd been paired together in a school project or whatever. He was a farmer's son. And him and his mum. I've never met a farmer. He was a farmer's son. And him and his mum... I've never met a farmer. I just find it hilarious that you've got loads of farmer mates. No, let me be very clear, Rob.

I haven't got loads of farmer mates. You went to school with farmers. Yeah, that is a very different thing to having farmer mates. I reckon I could get a gun quicker than a farmer to my house. Well, the irony is, Rob, they've all got guns. I'm going to double whammy it. I'll ask him, are you a farmer by any chance? I went round to his house and so it was some school project he wanted, right?

We had to do a project on, say it was the Aztecs or whatever. He just got a PC. He said we could just print it off in Carter. And I was like, that is not going to fly. In Carter was basically the internet when we were at school. Yeah, it was better than the internet, let's be honest. In Carter 97. Yeah.

That's all you needed. It got too complicated after that. I got a computer I had in Carter on it. It had the internet. I tried them both. And I was like, there's only one of these that is going to last the race. And that is in Carter. The internet is dog shit.

Anyway, I said we're going to have to put it into our own words. Him and his mum had these stand-up rows that were like nothing I'd ever seen in my life, right? Really? And then in the afternoon, he said, do you want to go ferreting? Have you ever been ferreting, Rob? No, but I'm just going on in Carter to find out what it is what's ferreting?

ferreting is he adds some ferrets and you'd go and try and like catch mice with ferrets in hedges this was the 90s is that like a farming purpose thing to stop the mice eating the crops or something? Or is it just a bit of a laugh?

I don't know, maybe. I mean, how effective? That's what they say about hunting, isn't it? It's like to keep the fox numbers down or whatever. I've never heard of a mouse eating chickens, though. No, no, no. I don't know how much a field of corn is ruined by a mouse. Do you know what I mean?

There's one poor bastard mouse getting ferreted. So how many ferrets did he have? Two ferrets. So were they on leads or did they just come back? Were they trained to come back? I don't know. You just put them down a hole and then they just come back. Yeah.

I think I had quite a weird upbringing, Rob. Do you know what? Yeah. I think you have. Do you know what? No wonder you're worried all the time. It sounds like you grew up in 1937. You're like california man

it's all new the main reason why i drop is i think the germans are going to invade in two years email in if you had a more rural upbringing than me i do remember going to people's houses after school and i'd walk in and i could just i could just smell if there was no banter in the house you know you just get a feeling like house, there's nothing happening in here. This is a banter-free zone, this bath. I remember going to my friend's house. Two of us went in and it stunk like a barber's. I've never been in a place that smells more like...

And my other friend that I was with went... What do barbers smell like? You know when you don't realise what a barber's smell like until you smell a barber's? Do you know that kind? Is it that weird watery stuff they put the scissors in and the blades? Yeah, I think it's the hairspray that maybe only barbers use or whatever it is. Wet hair, yes, when they spray all your hair down, yeah.

Yeah. And we walked in, and obviously you're polite, and I thought, well, I'm not going to say it. And then my other mate who had come round to his house went, bloody hell, it smells like a barber's in here. Yeah. Another mate who had come round to his house went, bloody hell, it smells like a barber's in here.

The only places I could smell a Lush and Subway sandwich shop, there are two smells. Yeah. I don't think there's any other high street smells other than those two that get me every time. When they reopen, walk into a barber's, have a sniff. Oh, my God. I'll pop in Tony and guys for a quick sniff. I mean mean going past

lush is like being involved in chemical warfare it's horrendous working in there oh my god tiny little eyes just saw a little guard rob beckett the guardian eyes just peeking out rob yes do you want some emails? Oh, yes, please. Oh, shall I open a present? Yes. We need to open... We didn't do one last week. Did we keep forgetting?

She's not sending, is she? Okay, wait there. She's never going to. She's pregnant and got a baby on the way. Okay. So these are presents from 2018 that I found in a bag that my wife has still not sent to our relatives. Yep.

So this is for Brendan. Oh, this is a good... is one i chose rob that's not do you know what that's an absolute kick in the jaffers isn't it kicking the jaffers i love i've never heard you say that we're getting a lot of feedback josh saying that you say i'm not gonna lie a lot yeah i do say i'm not gonna lie a lot I? Yeah. Are they saying it's their favourite bit of the podcast? Are they saying it's too annoying? They say, if anything, you should say it more. Imagine the opposite of that. And that's the feedback.

Okay. But a kick to the Jaffas is great. I like that. I'll give 20p to charity every time I say I'm not going to lie. That doesn't count because that was using it as an example. Fair enough. It's a book about Manchester United. It's a good present. It's a book about Manchester United. It's a good present.

It's a book called The Anatomy of Manchester United, A History in Ten Matches for the uncle who is a Manchester United fan. Yeah, go on. The 99 Champions League final. Yeah, it's got to be in there,

hasn't it? I haven't checked. Oh, wow, Rob. Or is it the 99 semifinal against Arsenal? Yeah, it's the semifinal. My favourite Man United game is the one where Ruud van Nistelrooy was cheating and then missed a penalty and Keown punched him on the head.

And then Alan Smith said Arsenal should be ashamed of themselves. And I screamed, fuck off, Alan Smith. And then me and my brothers went to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet to celebrate. Well, there you go. What a day that was. What a day that was. I was out ferreting, I think, when that match was on. Do you want some...

This is an amazing email, Rob. Yeah. From James Bramley. Come on, Brammers. Hi, Rob and Josh. I was listening to Gabby Logan episode today while out on my post round and it jogged a memory of something that happened to me many years ago. Gabby was talking about the time her child was in a pram and it nearly rolled

off the pavement onto the road in front of a lorry while she was outside Cafe Nero on Barnes High Street. God, he's got a good memory. Absolute every detail there. Is that a copper? Well, I tell you why. She said that a bloke in shirt and jeans stopped it just in the nick of time. I think it may have been me.

Yes! That's amazing. I lived right opposite Cafe Nero at the time, just above a jeweller's on the other side of the road gabby logan at the time the descriptive of the man in unsuitable clothing for cold november day also matches me postman being a postie i'm normally always in shorts and totally underdressed for cold weather conditions both in and out of work time i remember nipping down from my flat to head to the local shop

to get something. On the way back, I have a vague memory of seeing a pram roll away from a small group of Barnes mums. She's definitely a Barnes mum, isn't she, Gabby? Absolutely superb terminology. Anyone who's been in Barnes will know Barnes mum is an absolute, it creates an image, doesn't it? Yeah, absolutely ripped to shit, successor in their career,

loads of kids, smashing flat whites, seven a day, boom't it? Yeah, absolutely ripped to shit. Successor in their career. Loads of kids. Smashing flat whites seven a day. Boom, let's go. Yoga. I have a vague memory of seeing a pram rolling away from a small group of barns mums towards the road. I'm not sure I realised there was a child in the pram when I stopped it. I just didn't want to cause an accident.

Oh my God, it was bad. It didn't feel like a big deal at the time and I didn't want to make a scene as it might have embarrassed the mother in front of the others. Yes. Judging by the size of her kid kid now I think that Laurie had a lucky escape love the podcast what a legend I love I've never met a bad postie post men and women are absolute legends and I've got a question about the shorts do you think being a post person post back you know I'd say what's the the word now? What's the woke word? For a postal worker.

Postal worker. The sexy voice, Michael, slipped in, producing from the back, playing it up top. A postal worker. I bet he's got that Man United book as well, haven't you, Michael? I don't, actually. I messaged on the group. I'll take it if no one's having it.

Right. Postal worker. Which I'm going to say I would never have got to. Right. So postal worker, yeah. Always wear shorts. Do they pick that job because they want to wear shorts or it's just the right attire for the job?

What do you reckon? Yeah, I think it's peer pressure once you're there. Because I like wearing shorts, Rob. I'm wearing shorts at the moment. I thought you said you didn't like wearing shorts no i like wearing kind of exercise shorts yes okay i like that i just wore them for the nursery drop-off yeah that's because it's a six-hour round trip yeah exactly actually exhausted by the time you don't be hot with a coat on doing that i think i think it's i think it's peer pressure to get your pins out when you get there it might

be a little bit of a sort of alpha thing of like, yeah, it's not cold, is it? And it's snowing. Do they do it in winter? Mine does. He loves it. South East London. Yeah. Also he called, he went the other day,

he went, I love that show you do with Rash. People get Romesh's name wrong a lot, but I have never heard him be Rash'd off. Rash. I've had Ramesh, Rajesh, Prajesh, Rash. Rash. Rash isn't an asian name is it rash he sounds like a cartoon character a russian splinter

two rabbits that are really fast um anyway yeah so i yeah well, James, for saving the baby. Yeah, good work to James. Do you want a lockdown low point? Always. Which is small things that have tipped you over the edge during lockdown. Go on. I'm eight months pregnant and have been redecorating prior to the baby's arrival. Needed new carpet for the nursery, and I broke into tears because I couldn't stroke the carpet samples to see how soft they were due to buying them online.

No moment. That is the best bit of carpet buying, isn't it? It is the best bit of carpet buying. You go to the shop, you rub your hand on them and go, oh, I don't like that. And then because then if you get to rub it, you realise the one you're getting is really nice compared to all the others.

But online, you don't get that sensation.'t get that sensation you can order the samples can't you don't tell her that she's already cried but yes you can if you order it they send you lots of little samples yeah oh bless we just got loads of samples and just did the whole floor with them yeah exactly i always thought how many can you get? If you went to different showrooms, could you cobble together a full floor? Yeah, I think you could, have a small room, small nursery.

Oh, bless her. But that's just, it's the pandemic getting you, isn't it? Right. Before the business shout-outs, Rob. Yes? Dear Rob and Josh, this is from Nathan Tuffin.

Hope you're doing well. I have a belated Christmas story which I hope you enjoy. The Christmas before last, my three-year-old daughter took such a liking to our Christmas tree that we decided to name him Terry. We pretended he could talk and ended up treating him like a member of the family for the entire month. When it was time for the decorations to come down she was very sad so we told her Christmas trees can't stay inside all year and Terry would be off on adventures until next

Christmas when we would go and find him again. Cut december 2020 we took our family outing to the local farm to pick out a christmas tree my daughter was incredibly excited to see terry again she ran around the farm yelling terry terry and every time we looked at tree uh she we would ask is this one terry do we think it's him until eventually we picked out a tree we wanted and we claimed that we had found Terry. Oh, that's a good idea. Well, it was. My daughter was ecstatic and proudly walked with me

as we hauled the tree to the checkout area. I was a little confused when the man asked me what kind of Christmas tree stand we have at home, having never been asked that question before. I told him what type we have and he informed me this type would require the tree to have a flat stump at the bottom things hadn't quite clicked in my mind as the man dragged terry off to one side then swiftly and violently took out a circular saw to his trunk it was so

loud and it all happened too fast i tried to shield my daughter's eyes from the massacre happening in front of her and then frantically yelled get her out of here to my partner like a doctor in a medical drama trying to move a George Stort family member from the bedside of a dying relative my daughter was absolutely traumatised she burst into tears and kept asking

what are they doing to Terry we had finally calmed her down and then the man dragged the tree outside and shoved it in one of those netting machines, which upset her all over again. Oh, my God. Has that been kidnapped? It was genuinely one of those stressful parenting moments

of my entire life. We will not be going to pick out a tree together next year. Absolutely lovely podcast. Keep up the great work. Nathan Tuffin. Oh, Mr. Tuffin oh mr tuffin yeah that is brutal because you can't even explain that to the bloke because you look insane she thinks it's terry and terry's a tree oh god um right we're gonna serve a quick shout out for

these uh businesses that are um yeah so we wanted to just you know after how difficult it's been for so many small businesses and bigger businesses, but small businesses particularly during lockdown, we thought it'd be nice to shout out some good small businesses of people that listen to the show. Now, Michael will attest that we have had a lot of what we've had a lot, haven't we, Michael? Yes, we're trying our best to get through them. Yeah, I'd say hundreds. And just so people know, I am just picking them randomly. There's no system.

So hopefully yours will get picked. If it doesn't, I apologise. Yes. So we've got one here from McDonald's, which you picked randomly. Sorry, I'm just finishing this Big Mac. One sec. Yeah, so we've got one here for Tesco just you know let's just try everyday value

no i've got one here i've got one yeah but thank you so much and uh genuinely um you know sorry that we can't read them all out but i don't know if people would listen this is a good one here this is um for at fight back lager It's a new lager that's been brought out in lockdown and it gives 5p to the At Music Venue Trust for every pint you buy. So every time you buy a pint, it gives money to Music Venue Trust, which is trying to save the live events industry, which is still shut. So that's a good little, get yourself a beer and help that industry. Another one I've got here is Section 27 Clothing. This is a Swansea-based clothing company that do sort of 90s football

and rave culture clothes like bucket hats and T-shirts. Keep talking my language, Rob. You're going to love it. It's got like acid rain logos. It's got photos of like football fans on away days and stuff you can find them on instagram and it's s27 clothing and yeah they've they've started up i think they've been on furlough the people have started the company they start this company to try and uh uh you know try to try new business so go to s27 clothing on instagram for some uh 90s stuff which you'll love josh i

will you know me rob i'll be honest with you i don't like the present day no you hate the fact you want all you want is to wear a bucket hat and go ferreting and listen to blur on a cassette get me a fucking ferret let me read in carter and let's get let i want a bit of in car and i'm gonna fuck some mice up do you know why because i live in the countryside yeah um Did you have another one there, Josh? Yeah, this is from Lil Baker. Hi, I have a small business called Little Green Crafts, which is www.littlegreencrafts.co.uk.

And one of the things I make, which lockdown parenting, how listeners might like, are teddies from children's drawings. Oh, that's cool. That's great, isn't it i've attached a few examples for you to see so if you're oh they're really good um if your children do a drawing then she can make teddies from them which is a really great kind of thing um do you know what i think we should do rob yeah what we'll do is why don't we put on our instagram stories when these episodes go out we'll put like a swipe up to the three businesses yes that's a good idea

we'll do a little link to them. So you're just giving Michael more work there. I don't know how he's getting all those jingles you've made him do. It's fine. I'll just edit that bit out. It's fine. Yeah. This business bit is not going out at all, is it, Michael?

He just keeps putting adverts out for his editing and production business. Before we go, I've got a really funny story that's just come through on Instagram about unexpected pregnancy, Josh. Go on lisa berridge i'm sure the moment has passed not for us lisa don't you worry about it for another surprise baby story but i have to tell you i have a school friend who had three children all grown up and i think at the time her youngest was about to start secondary school at age 11 or 12 it's pretty safe to say they were on the way to having adult children. One evening, my friend started to experience back pain, so she took paracetamol and went to bed. She woke up early the next morning in so much pain, she told her

husband she should go to A&E. So they got in the car. Whilst in the car on the journey, she told her husband she had this weird sensation to push. Having had three kids already, she knew the feeling well. They both shrugged it off. They got to the hospital only to discover she was actually in labour. And a few minutes after being told the news, she gave birth. She had no idea she was pregnant. She celebrated her 40th in this time. She didn't put on much weight or any of the other symptoms of pregnancy

so the entire thing was a complete shock so imagine being 40 and thinking you're done with kids and you are back in the nappy zone oh my god rob with what i've got planned for my 40s which is from the age of 42 it's gonna be mid 90s alex james style hedonism is how I'm planning on living my life. You're going to get sucked off in the groucho. I'm going to get sucked off in the groucho. I'll tell you what Josh I cannot wait to be sat there next to you ripped of a six pack watching.

Can't wait to be in my 40s. Do you know what he'd be a fucking great guest on this. He's got about five kids. One of them's called Geronimo. Have you got his number? No I've got Dave Roundtree's, though. I might... Oh, you can't go to James... No, but he hasn't got a kid.

He hasn't got a kid. Oh, that's the perfect crime. Oh, I'll see what I can do. All right, okay. I'll see what I can do. Let's get Alex James on. Right, let's... We'll see you on Friday.

We'll do a bit more correspondence on Friday. Yeah, I thought it was a good episode, though. I really enjoyed that. Yeah, me too. I'm not criticising it. No, no. Let's not fall out, Josh, a year in. Rob, there's too much career at stake here now.

I know. We can't fall out. Do you think if we got divorced from our partners, it would make the show better or worse? I think we'd have to have like a month's break, but then I think it'd be fine. There you go. As parenting, Rob.

Yeah, well, I'll get to see him in three weeks' time. Do you know what? It would make the recording schedule easier. It would. I'd have plenty of time. Why am I getting divorced, not you? I think I'm more annoying. This is the bleakest end to an episode.

No, but if you had to have a bet on who would get divorced first, I don't know. Who do you reckon? I think you're a more mentally together human being than I am. That is, I can't believe that's true i'll tell you what have a little look at my youtube search history and then we can talk about that we'll see you on friday